my brother is going through a divorce. back when I was dating (both men and women), I was never single. despite me not being especially conventionally attractive (short and chubby, wonky face lmao) and him being conventionally attractive (tall and skinny, objectively good looking by western beauty standards)
\nmy brother: it feels like I’m destined to be alone. why have you never had any problem getting women?
\nme: idk. have you tried treating them like actual people?
\nmy brother: says a bunch of low key misogynistic shit in response
\nmy brother in Christ (and in blood) this is why you’re single. he, like many men, can’t seem to see women as Actual People. i asked him if he even had any female friends and he goes “no I already have enough friends and they’re all male” and I’m like ??? your friendship roster is full up so how are you going to find someone new? why not befriend some women?
\nhe’s like “I don’t want to fuck men” and I’m like I didn’t say you needed to do so but if you won’t even befriend a single woman what makes you think youre going to find one to date?
\nI kinda just wanna ask him “do you even like to be around women?” like obviously he’s attracted to them but if he won’t talk to them outside of a Girlfriend or Potential Lover role then… idk
\nand he goes “I’m in my mid thirties most good/attractive women my age have kids and/or are already married” and I’m like look in the mirror bro what does that say about you.
\nhe’s like “hot women have the highest standards and so won’t settle for men like me” and simultaneously seems to want:
\nand those women maybe do exist, but they’re not going to fall into your lap!! and the fact that he’s unwilling to work on his own mental state… well we clown on the “hit the gym, lawyer up, delete Facebook” guys but the premise of “work on yourself first” is legit.
\nhe also doesn’t seem to realize that relationships are a ton of work and compromise. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years now and even to this day we still do a lot of work and compromise with each other all the time.
\nbringing another whole ass human along with you for the ride that is life is complicated, even with the most chill and understanding partner. it means you don’t get your way all the time anymore.
\nso when he shakes his fist at the sky and goes “damn you, cosmos! I am destined to be alone!” really it’s more like, no, you WANT to be alone. or more accurately, you’re unwilling to make the sacrifices required to have a long term serious romantic relationship. and that’s ok! but don’t pretend like it’s the universe colluding against you.
\n", "date_published": "2026-09-02T19:15:13-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2026/09/02/relationships-require-effort/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2026/06/22/a-lot-happened/", "title": "a lot happened", "content_html": "so a lot has happened. just… haven’t even had the energy to write about all of it.
\ncovid and then the CPR/elias dying of a cardiac arrest and revived by us thing. (we got covid from the bday celebration mentioned in the last post…)
\nquitting volunteer work subsequently.
\nthe whole “kinetic d2d” arc.
\nnow a few weeks into the csd job and wanting to go back to school.
\nthere’s so much that was going on, and i just haven’t… had the energy. i know it’s a lot to not write about. maybe it’s harder to write about the difficult stuff. i don’t know. maybe i’ll have the energy to write about it someday. but also maybe some things are better left unsaid. i don’t know.
\n", "date_published": "2026-06-22T19:12:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2026/06/22/a-lot-happened/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2026/01/14/new-volunteer-position/", "title": "new volunteer position!!!", "content_html": "so on Tuesday (yesterday), i had orientation at the new hospital i’m working at. i stopped by the gift shop for a drink. i had already been thinking about volunteering at the hospital - they have an organization called Sunshine Guild and i really wanted to volunteer but i didn’t know who to go to about more information. they were supposed to show us the gift shop and volunteer opportunities during orientation day but sadly it was closed for the day bc orientation ran so late!
\nin the gift shop, the lady running it was on the older side. i knew that the volunteer organization was pretty much all older people from looking at the webpage but it looked like they had 30-40 people from the webpage. i stopped and got an advil for 50 cents initially.
\n“is that all you want to put on the card?” she didn’t have to say it, but i just knew from… idk where i got the knowledge, that that was a very very quiet hint (that she probably didn’t mean to let slip!) that they have high fees for any credit card transactions… you know, the reason why most people at small businesses or shops have a minimum on cards.
\ni was like “oh, no actually do you have a bottle of water with it? also maybe…” and started basically buying a bunch of chips. the food there is super cheap so i suspected they weren’t making much of a markup on it honestly.
\ni remembered that there was a sign outside of the shop talking about the volunteer stuff, remembered the schedule that said “gift shop plus volunteer opportunities” and sort of put two and two together.
\ni said to her, “hey… where can i sign up to volunteer?” she looked like ridiculously shocked. i was like “i’m going to be the easiest person you have ever onboarded. i know when i came in to get my blood drawn for onboarding and my shots one of the volunteers told me that even volunteers needed all that and background checks - but all you have to do is go to HR and get the paperwork.”
\nshe was like… genuinely shocked. i think part of it is just that i’m a man for one (literally all their other people on the website besides what looked like probably two reluctant husbands) were women. also that i was under the age of 80. just being real - everyone who volunteered there seemed to be really old from my cursory glances online. but third, because i’m not just “not old”, i am also “old enough to be a working professional.” since i’m in my mid 30s, usually this is the “prime of career” for people and you don’t typically get volunteers in that age demo i don’t think. i’m old enough to have 15+ years of white collar experience (and cashiering and all the basic ‘teenager/college student’ jobs) under my belt, but not so old that i’m retired. many people my age (and gender…) are grinding and trying to make a dollar out of every minute. for example - i could easily be taking more shifts at the hospital in the BHU where i’m gonna be located but i actually wanted to volunteer outside of the BHU just for variety.
\nshe gave me the paperwork but looked kinda skeptical. i was like “i’ll try to talk my husband into it” (no go btw. gotta stay there some time myself first maybe and prove it’s fun). i told her that i’d bring the paperwork back on Thursday bc i didn’t have orientation on Wednesday this week. she told me that they had gone from 40 people down to only 8 (!!!) after COVID. she told me “sadly a lot of people were older and just didn’t come back.” of course i knew what that meant too… either they were too sick or passed away, or had loved ones who passed away, or their lives were uprooted too much. it’s sad. i could tell that they were basically on their last leg. when i left the shop she was like “bless you, thank you so much for even thinking about it”
\ni ended up getting the paperwork done during orientation on down time/break! she sent me a text back being like, very shocked that i actually filled out the paperwork i think and also even more shocked that i have as much work experience as i do. i suspect they might have a local high school kind of like mine that requires volunteer hours to graduate? so yeah super inexperienced kids, or older people without a lot of stamina.
\ni got a text from the head of the volunteers, that looked like this. actually had no clue that she was corporate… just thought she was the head volunteer.
\nBecky (head volunteer): Hey Nate, I’m so excited for you to get started. Can you do a brief meet and greet tomorrow or Friday possibly around 11am? This is Becky. I sent an email also
Me: Thank you for the text! How is tomorrow? I can come up to Palestine any time tomorrow - I am off work
Becky: That would be wonderful. How does 11 AM work?
Me: I am very glad you texted because I didn’t get your email! Could you try and send it again? It’s not in Spam either. The email address is: the work email i use for applying to jobs etc If that doesn’t work I have an alternate email. 11 AM works great - where do you want to meet up at? :)
Becky: Great you’ll meet me and Zeta our president why don’t we say the lobby?
Me: Sounds perfect! When you see a short little 5'2" chubby guy with transparent glasses walking in and looking around in the lobby at 11, you’ll know you have the right guy :) I can’t wait to meet with you all tomorrow! (got a laugh react)
Becky: I am 5'2" as well blonde and older or a sweet older lady in a royal blue polo is Zeta gray hair though
Me: Lol it sounds like y’all got some good fashion sense and personality :D
Becky: Aww thank you
today at 9am i made my way up to the hospital. very excited but slightly nervous, to meet the others. honestly I do really well around old people to the point where Elias' grandma was jokingly like “you got… way too much in common with me, an old lady with dementia” LMAO. i find that older people are more to the point and less BS, at least, most of them are. of course there are still some catty old people but mostly they are great and the ones volunteering for something like this are probably really nice/sweet.
\ni came in. actually on the way in i saw the CFO walking out! he gave me a big hi and so i gave him a big hi back. :)
\ni went into the hospital to hi to both of them (and basically… did exactly what i said i was going to do, went in and looked around confused trying to find people LMAO.) i know the East Campus decently well after wandering around the past couple of days just trying to get the lay of the land during orientation but also didn’t know exactly who i was looking for so i went up to the nearest old lady in a blue polo standing up there and introduced myself and she got me to the right people.
\nof course the other lady, Zeta came up. i guessed probably that she was in her early 70s just by looking at her but could tell that she was extremely sweet and extroverted and honest, pretty similar to me honestly. (once again, having way too much in common with old ladies…) but out came Becky who was actually corporate, like had a corporate lanyard and is probably in her 40s?
\nshe was like “It’s so nice to meet you.” I had only spoken to Zeta for about 5 minutes waiting but already Zeta was like “he’s so sweet” and Becky said, “Yeah I went to HR to let them know you were volunteering and to get your paperwork. They told me you were the only one out of the 25 people they just hired whose name they recognized. They told me that you have an awesome personality and that we are going to absolutely love you and that you’re the nicest person ever.” i just smiled because i have awful self esteem but i was kinda flattered.
\nthey took me back to the gift shop again. Becky was talking about it the whole way there, Zeta once again reiterating how happy they are to have my help and talking about how the numbers went from 40 to 8. when I filled out the paperwork they wanted my work history and they were like “You have a super impressive work history…” like kind of shocked that i would want to be there for whatever reason? and i was like “ahh yeah I tend to master jobs pretty quick and then get promoted like crazy for the first few years, then they put me in a trainer position, and then honestly get a little bored because there’s not a lot of movement or anything else to learn and every day starts looking the same.”
\nthey told me they mostly need help in the gift shop rn, but promised that there was lots of work to be done if i ever wanted to do anything else. we went back to the gift shop & honestly it’s just this tiny little thing, because it’s a rural hospital in Texas. probably my office back at home is bigger, and my office is the smallest bedroom in our house. there’s a slight ‘back of house’ too.
\nok something about this shop… i can tell why they aren’t selling merch. just going to be completely real. the merch they sell there is an old lady’s idea of what the young people want… beanie babies and stuff. and for some reason overpriced t-shirts that have the hospital’s logo on it (which i literally can’t think of the target audience for…)
\nthey have big balloons that say ITS A BOY and ITS A GIRL on them, and were like “can you believe it, these keep selling out!” and i’m like thinking yes i absolutely can believe it, there’s a gigantic maternity ward that dwarfs everything else in this hospital… why do you have an entire shelf in this tiny place based on valentine’s day when this is a 1) a hospital so who cares about valentine’s day and 2) it’s the middle of january. and no children’s items. plus so much unused space - and they took me in the back and there’s a ton of inventory.
\nbecky goes, “do you have any experience with inventory?” and i’m like “yeah absolutely, had to do it every day at starbucks.” and i went back there and nothing is in tubs, nothing is labeled, tons of stuff should be out… i’m like “ok i am gonna go get some tubs and bring my label maker from home and go ham back here” and they were happy to hear that. they showed me the little tiny back with the inventory and then i went back out front in front of the register.
\nzeta once again was like “well all the older ladies don’t want to work this register. they’re all afraid of technology, me and one other lady are the only one who can do it. we used to have enough people to shift this place 8 to 5 and that’s what i want to do again, but right now, we only have it open 9 to 2 because most volunteers only want to work five hours.”
\ni didn’t say it then but i will on Monday… i can work 8 hour shifts, lol. elias is at work all day during the week, i don’t have anything else going on. i think if i would have said it then they both would have fainted from a heart attack or something. even the younger lady.
\nshe mentioned that it’s usually pretty slow and that i can watch youtube, do crosswords, read a book, do school work. i was like thinking to myself, man, you do not know me if you think i’m gonna just sit out here and run out the clock - i’m here voluntarily, it’s in the name hahaha. i did respond “oh some days that’s really nice, but a lot of days i prefer to be up and organizing, cleaning, maybe clearing out the back or something, just trying to keep busy.” she said that she was the same way.
\ni went “hey, are we asking customers what they want? I think when I’m in here working, I’m going to ask what they were looking for that they couldn’t find in here, if anything. that should give us some guidance on what people are really looking for. I can just write it down.” of course i know that sometimes the customer doesn’t actually know what they want until it’s in front of them (and also, gotta read the room, if someone is super stressed because their loved one is hurt they probably don’t want to be partaking in unpaid personalized market research) - so actual market research needs to be done for hospital gift shops with similar stats that are doing well (rural, highly labor & delivery oriented). didn’t say all that but just asked if we are asking people what they want.
\nbecky was like “…wait that’s an amazing idea.” and seemed once again shocked that i have even an ounce of marketing competency hahaha. she was like “god i’m so glad we have you. you have the best personality, HR was right.” then she had to go. like literally meant it so sincerely and i was so confused.
\nhonestly most of the hour or two i spent with Zeta was just me building rapport essentially. she kind of showed me how to use the register but she had also typed and printed out a labeled diagram that literally had like a three step process to use this three (3) button register. really not that complex. and thankfully no balancing the drawer at the end of the day - i asked specifically bc that was always my least favorite part of doing cashier but it was just, “just leave $40 in there at the end of the day.” i’ll have to ask where they drop the rest of the excess cash but yeah.
\n(also she directly confirmed my suspicion about the credit card charge being super high and that they actually lose money on transactions under a dollar. the business minded person of me immediately thought “then only let people use a card if their purchase is over $2 or something” but haha didn’t address it at that moment. one problem at a time so to speak.)
\ni told her i have next monday off and apparently that locked me into Mondays being my day. i thought she would want more than one day a week but nope just wants one day a week, five hours on that one day. i’m going to have to let her know next week that I don’t have the following Monday, but I am also going to let my manager in the behavioral health position (my regular position) that i need Mondays off. i’m sure “i’m volunteering here in the gift shop to help the lil old ladies who only have 8 left in their ranks” is going to be one of the more compelling reasons haha. but yeah - doing it on Monday also means that every other week when they have orientation… i’ll actually be in there and the gift shop will be open, so no one else will have the same “what is this Gift Shop/Volunteer Opportunity thing? oh well” moment.
\nzeta and i talked for a bit just standing in the shop. really, people open up to me so quickly to the point where it is actually actively a shock to me, even to this day, even though it’s been like that for as long as i can remember/my entire life. she was like, “oh man, i used to be such a pushover.” and i was like, “what incident made you change that? how old were you?” and she seemed shocked that i actually followed up with another question. she asked me how old i thought she was. she had said just before that that she had been married 64 years after i asked, and she was like “well that kind of gave away the game…” and i was like doing math and she was like “no no, don’t take the 64 years into account.” and i was like “honestly? i guessed like… early 70s.” she said that nope she was 83 (guess she got married when she was 20.) she told me a little bit about her relationship, and it honestly sounds like a really great healthy relationship. i guess it has to be if you’re married that long…
\nbut she told me the story about how she grew a backbone one day. she told me in her late twenties (cue me doing mental math and figuring out this is about the mid sixties) she was working in a newly opened Sears in the mall. she said that she had been a people pleaser up until then but there was this one sales man (cause of course it’s a man…) who just couldn’t be pleased and was always barking orders at her no matter what she did. and she said she always tried to bend over backwards for everyone and that day she just snapped and said “no, you know what, i’m busy right now. you can wait.” to him and ever since then, that was history haha.
\ni told her that her late twenties is a pretty early time to learn that lesson especially in that day/age when sexism was so rampant. (of course the mid sixties wasn’t nearly as bad as the decades prior but it was still really, really bad for women in the workforce, for a lot of reasons.) and she was like yeah i was really lucky. i was like “well… i mean, at your age now? looking how you do? either you have an amazing health routine or you got really lucky.” and she was like “honey no, i just got really lucky” lmao i didn’t say this but wanted to say, that probably being up and around and still active at her age (even with volunteering) likely engaged her body and mind enough to stave off a lot of the nasty shit that comes after a lot of people retire… plus being the type of person that volunteers like that probably is a kind hearted and low stress person.
\ni asked her how long she’d been volunteering there- 2012. she said she wanted to quit last year but they talked her into one more year. she said that she used to hate math but forced herself to like it when she got transferred at a young age to an accounting department… etc (see what i mean by people just kinda, opening up to me. like i know so much about her now.) but i was genuinely engaged in convo with her like i am with everyone! because i genuinely find everyone super interesting no matter what. it’s always interesting to me to see how people got to where they are and how they became the person they are now. i dunno.
\nanyway…
\nshe also told me that she wanted to get me actually up and helping patients, like showing them back to their rooms and there’s a few other tasks associated with that. i was like thinking well we’ll see how i feel - i might feel too overloaded from that in my day job but also i am keeping an open mind. i have a curse that whenever anyone sees how extroverted and nice i am, they want to put me in front of as many people as humanly possible.
\nwe went back out front and the other older lady volunteer (forgot her name already i’m sorry!!) came and was like “well, i think this is such a cute little bowl in here, i wanted to buy it.” i guess she hadn’t seen the merchandise. i think it was a foldable dog bowl which is also like, why is that in the hospital giftshop… anyway zeta was like “oh that hasn’t sold for a really long time and you volunteer here so it says $6 so i’ll give it to you for $1.50” and she was struggling to find change and i was like “hey if you want i got it for you?” and she was like “oh no you’re so sweet, but thank you.” my thought was it was just $1.50 (and a lot of older folks are on a fixed income) but yeah. so she showed me how to register a discount and told me that if i wanted anything from the gift shop i could buy it for half price… (well, i think i’ll pass on all the ancient beanie babies…) but i was just like “oh that’s really cool” even though i’ll likely never use that even for food bc i don’t work even in that building of the hospital on my normal days (unless i wanted to hoof it all the way over which honestly, there is a non zero chance i might on lunch breaks just to say hi lmao.)
\nshe told me that they also like to sell flowers because they sell REALLY quickly which makes sense in a hospital setting, but they had an issue - since the shop was so inconsistently staffed, they died quickly. i told her actually, the person who we hired to do the initial clean on our house also owned a floral shop right by my house and i could potentially talk to her about maybe selling them at cost or at a discount for a good cause/volunteer organization. she was like “oh wow really, that is an amazing idea. i knew of a shop around here i wanted to go to, but haven’t had the time or energy. i figured i might be able to give them the same pitch.” then she asked what i thought about succulents? i told her “that is actually an amazing idea. because not only can they survive a lot and survive the weekend if no one is here, it’s also a nice easy low maintenance plant for people who are sick in the hospital. flowers make me sad sometimes because they wilt so quickly, but succulents don’t have that problem.”
\nlil more chit chat and then we headed out. she was showing me to everyone she could who we passed by. boy i could genuinely listen to people talk for hours and not be bored, everyone has such wild stories and lives lmao. she was like “here’s nate! he’s the new volunteer here!” for the first one or two i also said “oh yeah i just got hired in BHU too” but she wasn’t adding that onto the introduction so i caught the vibe and didn’t add that afterwards i was like hmmm there’s a reason she’s not adding that… idk if east campus and west campus got beef, or what. but anyway yeah i said hi to everyone with a big smile, it was nice to meet people. she told me that she always stopped people in the halls and said hi and introduced herself. i’m gonna have to try to do that too - cause when an 83 year old lady says she always does something, once again, it’s for a reason and you listen… she’s probably speaking from wisdom on that.
\nshe tried to take me down to HR to get my volunteer badge (different from my work badge/has a different title and design. thank god bc i didn’t want to get bothered for Paid BHU Work Stuff while volunteering) but HR lady was down at a meeting. i told zeta “damn I bet Mary Kay is tired of seeing me.” Mary Kay is the main HR lady who has been there at that hospital like… longer than i’ve been alive (nearly 40 years). i keep having to see her because well, for one i needed a bunch of vaccinations she had to give me, and then i had to warn her about my drug test probably coming back positive because of my ADHD stimulant (spoiler alert: it did), then i warned her about my degree probably not coming back as finished (spoiler alert: they didn’t even check because this position only needs a GED)
\nlmao i caught her vibe right away as soon as i first went into her office. tried to make chit chat and she was giving me one word answers and she had the lights practically out and i was like ok this lady likes her zen/peace and quiet and so i just sat quietly in her office and followed the vibe so to speak. so honestly it surprised me that her & the other HR lady said i was like the nicest person ever, bc i think i’ve said like three words to Mary Kay. i guess when someone just wants peace and quiet, when you give them that, you become the nicest person ever? that is the easiest person to get along with.
\nbut yeah i was like “well, we can just do this before my shift on Monday if you want.” because she went running around the hospital trying to find her and i was like, ahh yeah, they’ll definitely be here and available Monday morning. and she was like “oh right, you’re right, let’s just do it then.”
\ni asked her what she was doing after this and she said she had to go down to the store to restock the gift shop. she told me that she was buying the food stock at… potentially the most expensive place to do that kind of thing (brookshire/local grocery store.) i was like “oh, well, um, is there a sams club or costco around here? we could at least get monster and coke and dr pepper from there?” because those three items in particular, sell out really quickly all the time, because the entire hospital is a “Pepsi Zone Only” due to a contract i think. so all the vending machines, etc. she told me she had a walmart credit card that some of the other volunteers had. i was like “well, if you ever need me to do a shop run, i can do that for you.” bc i do appreciate how much time and energy and effort that is for a lil old 83 year old lady. she was like “well, how about after a month of working here” and i was like “yup totally agree, don’t give me the keys to the kingdom quite yet” and she seemed happy that i agreed and didn’t give her trouble about it. i mean, that just honestly makes sense and also she’s probably used to dumbass teenagers… whom i would not be instantly handing over the credit card to, to be fair.
\nmore chit chat on the way to both our cars as we were leaving. we both apparently have a tendency to “midwestern goodbye”. in fact she was like “oh stop me if i talk too fast” and i was like “girl i’m from michigan born and raised, when i moved down here all the native Texans told me they couldn’t understand me because i talk a mile a minute.” lmao.
\ni asked her if the shop helped fund the extra employee benefit stuff but she said it was just to keep the lights on. she also told me that they were having serious trouble with fundraisers and that’s what they used to build up the scholarship fund for employees, and some other employee type things. she said she had an idea for a fundraiser this year but didn’t elaborate. she told me that it was very easy to get people to contribute when there were direct payroll contributions, but since they took that out - they have to actively fundraise which is harder. their fundraising funds went way down since then, like from thousands of dollars a year to like a thousand dollars last year. i told her, “hmm. well, i have a graphic design background. maybe if i print a big pretty color graphic and post it up on the register and list all the things the fund does, we could round transactions to the nearest dollar. it would be easier for people to pay in cash, and all those little transactions add up, that’s why big companies do it. plus you know that people already want to donate because so many opted to have it taken straight from their paychecks. if we make it as easy for them as possible…”
\nshe was like, “oh man. you are actually full of great ideas” and actually like, meant it, not doing the southerner sarcastic thing, which surprised me again. she touched me on the shoulder and was like “nate… in 83 years here, i can tell that you’re one of the kindest, sweetest people with one of the best personalities i’ve ever met already.” i was like… “well… thank you very much for saying that. i genuinely appreciate it because i don’t always feel that way sometimes, but i’m just glad that i’m able to make a difference however i can.” and then we midwestern goodbye talked for another 2 minutes and finally i pulled myself away and went home.
\ni continue to stay shocked that anyone can stand me let alone actively like me hahaha.
\nthe actual job sounds really fun though. like, why play Supermarket Simulator on steam at home when i can roleplay a shop keeper irl with basically full freedom, because they actually seem to trust me? honestly it was very weird - everyone who she introduced me to kept acting like i was some kind of war vet, “thank you so much for volunteering” “thank you so much for your service.” i think they realize that the volunteer guild is essentially on life support at this point and getting someone much younger in there who has the time and energy to help revitalize it may actually breathe a little bit of life back into it. i was called more than once, a “savior” which i don’t feel like a savior or anything.
\ni don’t know if it’s just bc i’m ultra autistic but my viewpoint on life is… if i put more positive “into” the world than i take out (on days that i’m upset, or stressed, or angry, or whatever) then that’s a net positive. i’m privileged to be able to do that most of the time… for a lot of different reasons. but i also realize that a lot of people CAN’T do that all the time. so if everyone just tried to do that as much as they possibly could, that could do that? then the world would be 10000% times better. and just fuckin do it. don’t brag about it - post about it on your private blog, maybe share it with one or two people to show them how your day went, and move on with your life. there are days that i’m stressed and angry and unfair with others, but i think there are probably 2x as many days that i’m the opposite, so i try to balance that out decently enough haha. with that plus my new job working as a mental health tech in the inpatient for high acuity patients and forensic, well, i should be banking up enough to “pay for” my own somewhat stressed days and hopefully other people’s who can’t.
\nidk oh well. seems fun and i’m looking forward to it. (and i told my friend lyn that i should learn how to knit baby beanies or blankets or something while i’m IN the shop bc then at least while i’m in the shop, i’d be actively learning a new skill, actively learning something, and they’d probably sell well if i put up a sign being like A VOLUNTEER WHO WORKS HERE HANDMADE THESE also it’s such a big hospital for maternity… i mean, just makes sense. but only after i got good, not selling no shitty things and also would sell them basically at cost so the money could go back to the volunteer guild. why not)
\n", "date_published": "2026-01-14T20:05:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2026/01/14/new-volunteer-position/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2026/01/12/first-day-working-at-the/", "title": "first day working at the hospital", "content_html": "man… today was a LOT. this week they have orientation for the new hospital i’m working at. i got a job as a mental health technician which i am really looking forward to. the first few days are 8-4 basically just “classroom”, like today was the “everyone talks at you and does PPT stuff” day and tomorrow is the “thousands of computer modules” day. then later in the week they literally give me combat training to figure out how to defend myself i guess? and restraining too if i need to.
\nhonestly i heard the phrase “nurses eat their young” today and i can see why. already twice in one day the nurses there tried to bully me LMAO it felt like being back in high school?? it was fucking bizarre. i was like ladies i am in my mid 30s you’re about 20 years too late to that party. not going to go into detail about it because honestly it’s not even worth “memorializing” here!!
\ni think part of the “problem” is that there were only two people who were going to be working in the BHU (behavioral health unit) and one of them is like… a super part time social worker. it was really weird for them to keep being like “oh you’re over in BHU? they do stuff differently there” and for them to talk about how insanely dangerous it is over there. essentially acting like i’m going to walk in and instantly be mugged which is funny.
\nthey gave us free breakfast (which i didn’t partake in bc of said Annoying Mean Girl Nurses) and free lunch which was pretty good… chicken legs, mac and cheese & apple pie. yumy
\neverything else was what i think is standard fare for hospital orientation probably?? them just talking about HR stuff, HIPAA, had us do a practice run on PPE, a few weird youtube videos, menu, communication, etc. they tried to cut us loose early but also said that they could show us around the hospital so i took that opportunity even tho i won’t be working in that area. you never know if i will need to know where to go…
\nalso the health insurance is really good. they said they will reimburse 100% of my plan through elias so i just need to reject their insurance and talk to them about it. honestly a pretty good deal and basically “free health insurance” at least up to 10k which pretty much doesn’t happen in the US so yay.
\nanyway everyone in the BHU/mental health area seems extremely nice! new manager came over and ate lunch with me which was super friendly and nice. honestly i’m just happy to get the first day over with.
\ni also had to do a flu shot today, and then have to do like fifty of them tomorrow (DTaP, hep b, etc.) i’ll have to remember to get the paperwork so i don’t have to get those again esp since like the DTaP is good for ten years & i don’t want to have to deal with it again until a decade from now.
\nuhh other than that? idk. we’ll see how the rest of the week goes. i’m just really relieved that my manager is super sweet & everyone in BHU so far is really nice. that’s all that really matters.
\n", "date_published": "2026-01-12T13:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2026/01/12/first-day-working-at-the/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2025/12/31/chaos/", "title": "chaos", "content_html": "today was so chaotic
\nand yes that means I drove almost 6 hours today
\n", "date_published": "2025-12-31T03:01:13-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2025/12/31/chaos/", "tags": ["mental health","elias (husband)","shopping","work","physical health","alter: octavia","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2025/12/22/another-job-offer-mental-health/", "title": "another job offer (mental health tech)", "content_html": "so, I got another job offer. and the offer letter is signed & accepted which is nice. they do have mandatory drug testing which is kinda like duh for this type of position
\nit is a mental health technician at a local(ish) inpatient hospital. it is locked down, but it is part of a bigger hospital system/not a standalone. I will be working PRN/scheduling myself 3 days a week, 12 hour shifts 7am to 7pm. I am allowed to take more hours if I want. the pay isn’t great but that’s fine because I have really really been wanting to get into mental health.
\nI hadn’t felt nervous for an interview in a long time, but I did here because I actually cared about the job. the lady I interviewed with was extremely nice! there are two units each with 20 beds, and those you have to do 15 minute rounds on. then there’s a bigger unit for people trying to become competent for trial because they have been accused of a crime but a judge has found them mentally unfit to stand trial
\nI am excited because it feels like I will be able to help people. I know it will be a pretty tough job at times. I honestly think the fact that it is gonna be tough at times is making people… hesitant to celebrate my offer/new opportunity? I think people just think I’m going to quit right away. which I mean, I have quit jobs right away (I just did dominos a few months back lmao) but this aligns with what I want to be doing. they even have scholarships and will help me navigate the college system if and when I want to go back. if I do well and like this then I’d likely be a good social worker which honestly was my only dream growing up anyway.
\nI have watched lots of tiktoks and YouTube videos and read a lot of stuff online about how MHTs feel about their job. I genuinely do think I will enjoy it despite the craziness. I love working on teams, I love being social. I am one of those rare people where talking to someone for 12 hours a day sounds fun and energizing and not draining.
\nI am honestly a little sad that it feels like people don’t want to celebrate the opportunity with me at this point. I actually ended up dropping one of my friends over this (she was already on thin ice for months with just being generally selfish but her just plowing past me talking about my life to talk about some shitty anime was too much for me lmao).
\nI really do think I will enjoy this job!! I was calling my old job “the dungeon” because it was so socially isolated and WFH. for some mega introverts I am sure that’s a great opportunity, but for me it’s torture, especially when my garbage ex boss was like actively ignoring my suggestions about team cohesion (and then implementing them a year later & not crediting me but.. that’s a different story)
\nand it’s not like its my first rodeo with mental health. I myself have been in the hospital for suicide attempts in the past and all of my friends and family are mentally ill. my dad was in and out of the mental hospital for being bipolar type 1 his entire life. like… I know how to treat people having a mental breakdown w dignity & respect even if they can’t do the same for me at that moment. and I think that’s a kinda rare quality…
\nbut anyway look forward to my update where I quit in a week ig. I mean it doesn’t start until like Jan 12 which I’m grateful for bc it probably means they’re waiting until the holiday craziness is over. and then there’s a full week of training and three weeks of shadowing which is! more training than I’ve ever gotten at any other position ngl lmao. they do have a shit ton to train me on tho like BLS, daily needs, restraints, etc.
\nand for my own mental health, I have my therapist who I have been with for several years by now & she also worked inpatient mental hospital before so she knows what’s up. she knows she is gonna have to support me esp at the beginning
\nso yeah I am super proud of me and excited even if no one else is that much lmfaooo.
\nthe bottom line is that I care so much about people and want to leave the world a little better than I found it. and for that I think I could be extremely impactful in this position in particular so long as it’s not too triggering or overloading…
\n(it does suck to have to take such a big pay cut tho. mental health hardly ever pays anything unless you get into the very high positions like psychiatrist, sigh. oh well)
\n", "date_published": "2025-12-22T02:50:14-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2025/12/22/another-job-offer-mental-health/", "tags": ["work","alter: octavia","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2025/07/25/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2025-07-25", "content_html": "yesterday I didn’t write, but there wasn’t much to write to be honest with you. i worked, then i slept for like 16 hours. i should have just done the same today. feeling so heavily suicidal. like, i need to get back on my anxiety but the fact that i had such a withdrawal during vacation is scary. i don’t want to deal with that. but without any antidepressant i feel like i am so depressed that i might start self harming. and there is also the fact that i don’t really trust Maria, so i can’t even talk to her about anything. this sucks. it feels like everyone would be better off if i just died. i hate it. well, whatever… its whatever. hopefully i can go back to eating soon. i didn’t eat today. my eating disorder is acting up too much. will i ever be okay?
\n", "date_published": "2025-07-25T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2025/07/25/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2025/07/13/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2025-07-12", "content_html": "I am working on digitizing all of these entries
\ni turned on web crawling so hopefully the wayback machine keeps it but i am also going to try to keep backups myself.
\nit has entries all the way back from 2002 crazily enough. i managed to dig up so much. even with that gap of 3 years back on this journal, i was able to fill in
\nmakes sense already my hand is hurting from writing, its always been a lot easier to type\nanyway go check there for more entries! ♡
\ndunno if i will update this again. maybe? probably?? this journal is almost a decade old, so seems like a shame if we don’t, but oh well.
\n", "date_published": "2025-07-13T17:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2025/07/13/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2025/07/03/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2025-07-03", "content_html": "Long time no write. I dont want to shit up the other better journal with my bullshit.
\nbut. it feels like something big (negative) is about to happen. its hard to explain. but if someone wants to hurt me, including myself, they should just do it. i’m such a coward. when will i ever get the courage to just end it all??
\nthis is too painful to endure for much longer. i need to stop spending money, if im not going to be around much longer to enjoy it. just a waste. my entire life is a waste. such a disappointment
\n", "date_published": "2025-07-03T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2025/07/03/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2025/05/20/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2025-05-20", "content_html": "forgot to write for a few days, oh well. had therapy today or, Anastasia did. basically just sat, and talking about the mother and him. i think she keeps forgetting to reference this diary in therapy or whatever. fine by me, as all i do in here is wah wah anyway.
\nspeaking of wah wah, im feeling so lonely lately. i wish there was something i could do about it. most of the time, it feels like genuinely, no one actually wants to be talking to me, or wants me around in general. its such a bummer to feel this way. its really no one’s fault, and actually, ive felt this way my entire life, so its not anything new.
\ni read some dumbass bullshit on the /r/did reddit that was surprisingly highly upvoted. some armchair psychologist talking about how its ‘bad’ for alters to strive to distinguish themselves because it “furthers dissociation”
\njust integration garbage as usual, but it honestly shocks me how much it was upvoted. guess there are a lot of dumbass systems out there. but then, i already knew that. i was hoping to maybe get a little socialization in on there, but i guess not
\nbeing in such an isolated job is starting to get to me, i think. we do have a class starting sooner than later that will help, but also it will be for so a lot of people, it will take a while for them to know enough to even communicate. i guess it’s better than nothing and it’s online, so if we make friends, we can contact them easier than driving all the way up to Dallas which will be nice.
\nme just in an extrovert’s hell of my own making, and i need to escape. that’s why if the team dynamics are even remotely more social at pinebrain, then i definitely am going to take the job offer among other reasons. i know it’s getting bad because i genuinely thought “maybe i should become a server at a restaurant” today. what the fuck? i feel like alarm bells should be ringing or something or maybe that is the alarm bell lmao.
\nanyway there’s so much to do, and so little time. every minute that passes, i feel like i am more aware of my mortality, and the pressure to do something productive or fulfilling. but then i end up in decision paralysis because time is so precious that nothing i want to do feels worthy. but im also acutely aware that nothing i do actually matters, “dust in the wind” style. i feel like im too young to be having a midlife crisis already but there we are.
\nlet i read this back when im 50 and laugh because then ill have the wisdom that i actually am young now.
\n", "date_published": "2025-05-20T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2025/05/20/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2025/05/14/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2025-05-14", "content_html": "Things of note for today:
\nHonestly, I think not really using my smartphone at the moment is making me more productive. Because what else am I going to do?? There’s no reddit doomscrolling crutch to pass the time. I think not being exposed to that constant negativity has been helping, too. I still use my phone to text at work more often than I would like, but I am working on breaking that habit as well.
\nReally the only thing I miss having access to more readily is discord, but maybe that is a blessing in disguise too. I am realizing how negative most of the people I am around are. idk if they are just negative bc thats how they view our relationship but tbh i am tired of being surrounded by 24/7 negativity from some people. add on reddit and its just a lot. So not having immediate access to that has been refreshing.
\nhonestly this is the first time getting away from our phone has really “stuck”. I think it is partially because our therapists referred to us as someone who “doesnt really use a phone” and that really stuck. though honestly this point has taken several months to get to.
\nlike, we started when we got our new razr, so about november Date: 2024? around black friday. so about a half a year of concerted effort and removing anything addictive, which for us, is games and reddit. games is so much easier now that we have the steam deck. and reddit is a pretty easy habit to break. i am a bit out of the loop on fandom stuff now, but it is worth it.
\nanother huge advantage, i think i talked about before, is not having the ability to impulse purchase, or even window shop. anything i want to look up later gets thrown into the notes app of my flip phone, likely to stay in purgatory forever.
\none thing that i will likely need is a dedicated gps though. or else i am gonna start getting lost so easy. a dedicated alarm clock would be nice too, but not nearly as important. Honestly, being able to cut my phone (and screen in general) time down has been a godsend. i mean shit, i probably wouldn’t even be writing this much if i knew i had a phone to be doomscrolling on, instead.
\nanother big thing is that i notice i am sleeping better and having fewer nightmares. wtf?? so weird. maybe its because we arent meant to stare into a rectangle as bright as a billion suns right before we go to bed? plus, i dont wake up and immediately check work, while off the clock. mornings are much more peaceful.
\ni suspect i will start finding healthier ways to spend my time, instead of just sitting there bored. i want to get back to the gym soon. and now, im going to go read a book haha. maybe i am sleeping earlier and thats why i sleep better
\n", "date_published": "2025-05-14T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2025/05/14/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2025/05/13/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2025-05-13", "content_html": "“Yosemite”
\nThe mood this morning was kind of weird. We knew we wouldn’t be coming back to Cortney’s house, and that had some finality? to it. even though we decided we will come back every xmas. Still… Thankfully i remembered about the lemons. Cortney also gave us some of her honey. i want to make baklava when we get back. Seems fitting…
\nwe left the house around 10 knowing full well we would be slower than them haha. we were going to stop @ target but there was a mixup, so we went to popeyes instead, and i paid $5 a gallon for gas for the first time in my life haha
\nThe trip in was absolutely beautiful. we took 140 & they took 120, so, different routes. i am glad i have enough experience under my belt or else this drive would have been scary. the river was fun to drive next to. i eventually rolled down the window because i wanted to hear, but the scent was great too.
\nThis is cortneys favorite place in CA & i can see why. They did lodges when they went in January. i think we came just at the right time to see the waterfalls though, which was what i was most worried about.
\nWhen we got there i promptly bought a water bottle that said yosemite and a hoodie so i could cosplay “generic guy visiting yosemite.” Then just went walking. saw so many cool things! lots of waterfalls. i loved the close view, the splash of the waterfall & being so close was special.
\nlots of walking. Soren climbed a rock with his dad, then his dad started panicking because he was losing grip, but it was only like 4 feet down?? so then obviously Soren started freaking out too. i just opened my arms and told him i would let him fall which calmed him down.
\nthe last 20% or so of the hike dragged. i had fun talking w/ Cortney, BUT $10 Walmart shoes w/ virtually no padding aren’t ideal for hiking in Yosemite, so I was hurting a lot by the time we were done, which was like 4 hours later. But talking to Courtney that last bit helped.
\nThen food, only the store was open so grabbed some from there. I was having my little “heavy pain, overloaded, having autistic meltdown” moment so was being stubborn about eating, but i made myself eat. Which I am glad now I did, because we didn’t stop on the way back to the hotel for proper dinner, so just had granola.
\nWhen we ate at Yosemite a huge raven was hanging around, which made me super happy haha.
\nLots of tears shed when leaving. I know we will see them again soon, but… ughhh. How can i go that long? I am going to do a weekly facetime or something. Ugh.
\nWhat a wonderful day. And now after an hour and a half of writing, my journal is up to date!!
\n", "date_published": "2025-05-02T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2025/05/02/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2025/04/29/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2025-04-29", "content_html": "(editor’s note: may be transcription errors with this, too lazy to read the whole thing.)
\nlmao its now Friday night
\nSunday night - yelled and woke everyone up in my sleep 0/10
\nMonday - Equal parts great and awful. Hours in the back of Shane’s car while he is driving like a literal crazy person up winding hills is a no go. threw up in elias' hat & major fronted ugh. the day besides that was fun & got to see the ocean for the very first time! no whales though. we also went up to a food place on mountain (alice’s) I’m sure the food there was amazing, but we were too sick to get any. it was beautiful though, and nice that the kid got to front after years of not doing so, despite the triggers.
\nrest of the day was chill. decided that next day, we needed to rest, though. so soren + cortney + elias would go do stuff.
\nTuesday. - blissful rest. soren + cortney + elias took public transit and hung out in the pier area.
\nme? I napped a lot, and had sushi alone at a place nearby. so, essentially heaven after the day prior. i went to pick you and the others up. the day was exhaust for soren though…
\ni think maybe this was the day we bought prints from cortney? this is the problem with waiting to update journal
\nreally falling in love with the entire family despite making an ass out of myself. ugh. thankfully, cortney is the kindest person almost. i am surprised she has had the stamina right after surgery…
\nWednesday - lyn’s day. Anastasia was fronting so some details are fuzzy. lyn’s place is really cool. she has a whiteboard where all of her furry friends have been drawing. and also seems to own everything that i do. well, some of them were reccomendations i gave her, but still…
\nwe rode the train into san mateo to go to the lego store which was also hilariously close to roblox, considering she played hookie… and saw her coworker at the amazing mexican restaurant we visited. whoops
\nlego store was cool, we did pick-a-brick and bought a tiny suitcase to build, which seemed fitting. they gave me a tiny free chick to build, which i ended up gifting to soren. we hit nintendo, and i got some more stuff to build. then mexican, and off to japantown. it was so amazing to even be able to see her & talk to her while we were on public transit
\nJapantown was incredibly cool. didnt get to see BTSSB yet because we were tired after Kinokuniya & the stationery store though. This was by far the most personally expensive day of our vacation. i bought myself a few things, Soren a few, and you so much. I almost never get to go shopping without you around, so i kinda went crazy… lmao
\ni’m sure that if i lived this close to Kinokuniya of this size that i would be 1) even more fluent in Japanese than ever and 2) completely and utterly broke… lmao
\num… well the uber back was utterly terrifying because the guy driving was both suicidal and homicidal. i mean, he almost ran over a dude in a wheelchair. of course major fronted again embarrassing as fuck for so many reasons. god. Lynn did a good job of handling it thankfully. Richard got us home
\nYou had a chill day that day, thankfully… just went to the park to retrieve a pinecone Soren stashed? something like that. good times.
\nThursday - had to wake up early to take Courtney to her doct appt. she is doing ok, but is having some afib problems. and the pacemaker is taking the wheel like 40% - 50% of the time, which is actually insane. we took Soren to the park in the meantime while she was at her appt. he continues to be the sweetest thing ever. plus i got to have fun too. some unimportant work drama had me annoyed for a while, but you convinced me it wasn’t important. thank you for that <3
\nthen, beach time!!! so exciting! we went to Santa Cruz. beautiful area! great food too, i had a killer ahi tuna sandwich. we had a chance to talk and collectively agreed we want to move to cali. its too far away being in texas. also texas sucks. we will make moves toward there when we get back.
\nwe went to the gift shop and let me tell you, everything being sea themed made it hard to not buy the entire shop. but just a few things, something for soren, then off to Seabright Beach.
\nmy first proper time being at the ocean! my god, the peace i felt was so high. the sea breeze, the perfect coolness, the waves… i didn’t even want to nap.
\ni looked over at you and started crying watching you pick up shells. it’s a bit silly but i just love you that much…
\nthen i went over and helped you w/ shells. no really cool ones. so many poor little jellies on the beach though…
\nwe walked up and down the beach several times talking about life. even went to the little lighthouse. i feel like i could have walked there all day.
\nStarted to get late though, so we drove back. ended up getting kbbq at a place in Oakland called “jong ga house”. It was your first time going, super yummy and surprisingly affordable for all you can eat. in fact, it was cheaper than lunch… (lunch was crows nest)
\nthen after kbbq, we had an accidental trip to downtown Berkeley @ night because the dessert place (a dessert story) was downtown. it was very worth though amazing shaved ice!
\ndidn’t get back until late. we decided at the dessert place to just get a hotel near Yosemite! since it was four hours east, doesn’t make sense to go
\ncan save @ least four hours by just staying at Yosemite.
\nand that brings us to today… since i am writing this from the Yosemite holiday inn express haha.
\n", "date_published": "2025-04-29T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2025/04/29/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2024/12/17/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2024-12-17", "content_html": "yet another journal to abandon when I am bored
\nanyway my mental health is at an all time low. Ok maybe not all time, but it’s lower than it has been in a while. most days i feel like it would be better if i was dead. lately, i have even been planning killing myself. i don’t think i can tell anyone about it though. for a lot of reasons. it doesn’t feel like anyone actually cares anyway.
\nmore like it would actually be better if i wasn’t around to be such a big burden on everyone. my biggest struggle is knowing that if i passed away it would be a financial burden on elias. because he cant get any kind of life insurance if its suicide i think. plus he relies on me for bills or to help. but maybe someday he wont because his career keeps getting better. so maybe it wont be forever. I dunno ill figure something out idk…
\n", "date_published": "2024-12-17T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2024/12/17/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2024/08/14/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2024-08-14", "content_html": "Why, in the face of change or adversity, am I such a coward?
\nI looked up TLC today and it made me feel so bad. Even seeing Duby’s face made me so sick. It makes me feel awful that she is still at TLC. I should have just stayed. I am sure that Hana would give me my job back, or another job, if I emailed, but then I would have to work with Duby and (potentially?) Mikolai and I don’t know how I would navigate that. I’ve been thinking about just calling Hana to see how the company is going or something, but I’m too much of a coward even for that. I know TLC would also be way more work and probably not be fulfilling, but I can’t help but wonder…
\nI think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know my career is basically over at Merit.
\nThey clearly are never going to advance me at this point. And I hate to admit it but seeing Elias constantly promoted while I am shat on, seriously hurts… Like its painfully obvious that they don’t give a shit about me. Maybe I should contact Mucie and see what she is up to… haha. Really, is it so bad to want to be respected? Is it so bad to be ambitious? I feel like no one respects me at work. It still really hurt my feelings when they said I deserved to be fired. It was pretty clear to me that they were siding with a stupid company over their partner. The damage can probably be undone, eventually. But it is going to take such a long time. I feel like such an idiot for quitting TLC. I should have just bunkered down and pushed through.
\n", "date_published": "2024-08-14T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2024/08/14/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2024/08/09/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2024-08-09", "content_html": "Will I ever feel like I am enough? probably not. It makes me so sad that it seems like everyone doesn’t trust me and is annoyed by me. I am thinking it may be better for me to just quit therapy. I am a lost cause, so why pay $100 a month hearing that? It doesn’t make sense. Just a waste of money. I am so sad… everytime it feels like things are getting better, something bad happens.
\n", "date_published": "2024-08-09T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2024/08/09/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2024/05/28/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2024-05-28", "content_html": "I want my office to be the sanctuary. I know it can be. I just need to figure out what it needs. A couch? A lamp? Wall decorations? Something ???
\n", "date_published": "2024-05-28T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2024/05/28/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2024/05/21/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2024-05-21", "content_html": "Guess we have a new old journal… don’t know when I think Elias gave it to us.
\nI’m nervous to even be writing in here, but i guess that’s the only resort we have left.
\nDepression is super bad right now. not sure what to do. everything seems hopeless. I think our sickness and dizziness is being caused by keeping things inside. We have gone back to our old eating disorder ways - just can’t help it. I think it is that feeling of being trapped. and not in control of anything.
\nbut the feeling that we should at least be able to control what goes in our body. Lyn kind of encourages it too, so we are trying not to talk to her about it. It’s so unhealthy … I wish we didn’t feel the need to do stuff like this. Better than dying, I guess.
\n", "date_published": "2024-05-21T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2024/05/21/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/29/190000/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-30", "content_html": "today was pretty good!!
\ni slept a lot but was able to get well rested. thank god for the weekend.
\nnow i just have to get up tomorrow for church (for phil), but it should be okay to still rest a lot.
\ni ♡ weekend
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-29T19:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/29/190000/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/29/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-29", "content_html": "went to kurtis' show. it was really funny except for dean. he is such an unfunny asshole. like no one wants to hear your jokes about children’s genitalia and suicide. fucker.
\nother than that, the day was chill. Neecie is still being a dickhead to Elias but what’s new. i hate her so much and genuinely am glad she’s not my manager, really not looking forward to being promoted if we have her annoying ass to deal with.
\nat least its the weekend…
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-29T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/29/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/27/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-27", "content_html": "today was pretty boring. we finished breaking bad which was great, but now we are bored because there’s nothing else to do. we will start better call saul soon, after we watch the brba movie which i haven’t seen yet. i hope it closes out jesse’s story more than brba did. i know the show was more about walt, but i still cared about jesse too.
\nthe next few days will be weird for our routine. we aren’t doing horses this week on Thursday and Friday night we are going to Kurtis' show. so it will be weird.
\nneway good night
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-27T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/27/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/26/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-26", "content_html": "Can’t really write, i’m feeling super sick but i need to write something to keep up the routine
\nalmost done w/ BrBa. excited to finish. Stayed up late tonight to watch extra episodes.
\ni think i’m sick because i didn’t feel hungry so i forgot to eat and then i ate but felt sick from it.
\nugh i hope it goes away soon.
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-26T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/26/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/25/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-25", "content_html": "I started to read the total money makeover because I realized you can rent audiobooks from the library. It’s good but the guy narrating it (probably the author) is kind of a jerk? he yells a lot lmao. also, I found a bunch more books i want to try.
\nbut in the spirit of getting my finances on track, i finally did my budget after ignoring it for months and whew… i should not have ignored it. gotta get my shit together.
\nat least i’m mostly out of the woods thankfully.
\nmy friend Courtney introduced me to Be:First today. Either I won’t care or i’ll get sucked up instantly, there’s no in between… haha.
\nNothing else to say except Wal Mart forgot like $50 worth of groceries so there’s that. the bastards…
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-25T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/25/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/23/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-23", "content_html": "Went to the cat cafe today. It was fun but thankfully none of the cats grew on me enough that I would want to adopt them.
\nTomorrow, we will be seeing Florence for the first time in a few years to do her painting class. It should be fun. The only thing I’m sad about is that it’s on a Sunday night which is seriously unfortunate timing for anyone who works a 9 to 5 like we do. Still, it will be nice to see her again.
\nMike died on Breaking Bad tonight ☹️ Goddamn you Walt, you fucker. He was one of the best characters. At least we get to see more of him in Better Call Saul.
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-23T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/23/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/22/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-22", "content_html": "kind of too tired to write much. today was fine except for when i got dizzy + shaky + migraine from forgetting to eat.
\ngabby announced she’s quitting which sucks nuts for me, but i’m happy for her. just worried the next person is going to be micro managing + i don’t like that. anna said she’s going to let herself be fired but i think she’s just being over dramatic as usual.
\napple pen came today + i can’t even use it until the ipad comes in next week :( i want an ipad! it’s been forever since i used ios.. used to love my ipod touch.
\nnighty\nXOXO\nps: cat cafe tomorrow ♡♡♡
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-22T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/22/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/20/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-20", "content_html": "i bought an ipad today, it should come in a week. i’m surprised apple gave me 1k worth of financing, but i appreciate it haha.
\nif i find a way to move this journal digitally, i might end up doing that. it would probably be more efficient than this. apparently this paper is 8X11 and the ipad is 10.2 inches so it won’t be much smaller than this notebook.
\ni am excited for it to arrive! i will mostly use it for planning. i won’t really notice it in my budget either because im about to pay off my phone which costs more or less the same.
\ni got 256gb to try and future-proof it. ipads can last years if you take care of them - it will have no resale value bc i engraved my name tho hahaha not that i ever sell my electronics anyway.
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-20T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/20/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/19/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-19", "content_html": "nothing bad going on except breaking bad is getting really good. i finally near the end of season 4 where gus gets killed. i don’t remember much about who is the antagonist in season 5 tho so it’s going to be news to me\nwork is boring as always lots of trainings this week, but none tomorrow, just my meeting w/ gabby.
\nwe set up a painting class with florence this weekend, so on top of the cat cafe, it’s going to be busy. im excited!
\nsad steve canceled his visit tho, sad that im the one who always has to make the effort. its bullshit.\nanyway tiktok time
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-19T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/19/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/14/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-14", "content_html": "i want to buy a planner but i’m trying not to spend money. ugh i try so hard to be “good” and it still feels like i’m constantly broke, anyway so like who even cares?
\ni went to the horses today and that was fun. even though Lacey was busy so we had a different wrangler, who took us back 15 min early, like… that’s messed up man. we paid for an hour lesson, we already didn’t make you teach us anything, but ur still going to bring us back early… wow.
\nanyways it can’t be helped i have a dumb training tomorrow but at least Elias is in it too.
\nokay hand hurts so byeee
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-14T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/14/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/13/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-13", "content_html": "today was so dumb! the water thing outside broke so i tried to fix it and i got drenched! plus on top of that, we were playing isaac using a R-key seed and after an hour into the run i accidentally took another active item and it glitches out when it’s on two player and turns it into a different item! wtf… -_-
\ntoday has just been too stressful. i hope tomorrow is better. we have horses tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up!- except that it’s record highs and has been in the hundreds and is supposed to rain… uh oh
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-13T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/13/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/05/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-05", "content_html": "had a hell of a day. couldn’t sleep all last night and when i did sleep it was just trauma nightmares.
\nplus i screwed up @ work, i don’t even know why they keep me w/how much i screw up. i feel bad and especially embarrassed because it’s my boss that keeps catching it, like… ugh.
\ntalking to Raven helped a lot though. she helped a lot today. she put away the groceries and took care of the animals while i took a nap. i don’t deserve to be treated so kindly, but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
\nhere’s to hoping for fewer nightmares and way fewer mistakes @ work before they decide i’m totally useless…
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-05T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/05/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/03/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-03", "content_html": "today was pretty boring so not much to talk about here.. just took phil to church, played a little isaac, and slept. had a headache and migraine auras all day, so didn’t really feel like doing anything else but that. also got some starbucks while waiting for phil to get out and talked to dad a little bit
\nneed to sleep now midnight
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-03T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/03/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/07/01/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-07-01", "content_html": "got paid so i got some fish from razzo’s. i don’t think i’ll be spending much money for the next couple of months though. managed to resist buying myself a planner, which was hard. but i really can’t be spending money right now. just hope i can keep up with my finances. gas is so expensive now, it’s crazy…
\n", "date_published": "2022-07-01T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/07/01/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/06/28/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-06-28", "content_html": "horses were kind of disappointing today because we had a different wrangler and i had to ride blue. we didn’t get to practice trotting because i didn’t feel comfortable doing so on him. the wrangler was nice, but i just really prefer to have some normalcy. idk if it’s my autism or what but when plans change, i can get kind of pissy.
\ni told Elias that if her owner keeps taking shaker, on Tuesdays, we should change our ride days to Thursday. he was reluctant to agree but realized he’d been pretty lucky to always ride Wilkie so he said it’s okay if we need to change.
\nand ugh, one-on-one w/ gabby tomorrow.. it’s usually fine and only takes five minutes but calls make me nervous. it’s a miracle i didn’t revolt w/ the daily morning meetings @ TLC.
\nokay hand hurts no more writing
\n", "date_published": "2022-06-28T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/06/28/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/06/24/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-06-24", "content_html": "lately i have been feeling restless and wanting to get more accomplished. i haven’t been able to start any of my hobbies back again for some reason.
\nstill trying to get used to this new found energy. i guess.
\ni wish my sunburn would stop peeling too. and i’m not feeling well. tonight. feeling kind of sick? hard to describe.
\ni hope sleeping it off will work..
\ngood night!!!
\n", "date_published": "2022-06-24T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/06/24/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/06/23/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-06-23", "content_html": "today i am so cold. i just got out of the shower oops (ah not this one too oh then it goes)
\nAmanda says i am journaling wrong but screw her bc Stephanie says i can journal however i like.
\nthe irs still owes me money those bastards. sum bullshit!
\ntomorrow is friday. today i took it really easy today because there wasn’t much easy work. but i still hit my bare minimum. i might have to do that tomorrow too.
\ni finished a book about minimalism today. it was okay. kind of repetitive though.
\nanyway im tired zzz good night!
\n", "date_published": "2022-06-23T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/06/23/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/06/21/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-06-21", "content_html": "today was good. we went horse back riding and did more trotting it was kind of scary, but i think with more practice, i will be less scared. i was allowed to ride shaker even though her owner was there which was really nice of them, they definitely didn’t have to let me ride her.
\num not much else went on today. it was a slow easy day at work so i’m thankful. i just hope gabby doesn’t get on me about only doing OCTS and segmentation. those are just the quick, easy ones to do. i’m too lazy to do the other ones haha.
\nstill trying to recover from vacation so i’m easily distracted at work. my sunburn is also blistering and peeling like crazy. ugh… i’ll live though…
\n", "date_published": "2022-06-21T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/06/21/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/06/19/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-06-19", "content_html": "i don’t have anything to write about tonight. i don’t want to go back into work tomorrow, i am so lazy. i just want to keep being lazyyy
\nsomeone give me 10 million dollars so i can just be lazy forever please
\ni don’t even know why i feel this way cuz my job is super easy and i have nothing to complain about. lmao
\nat least i can keep listening to audiobooks while i’m working!
\neasy job zzzz\ni ♡ my life lmao
\n", "date_published": "2022-06-19T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/06/19/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2022/06/15/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2022-06-15", "content_html": "long time no write. i promised the therapist that i would journal so here it is. i don’t really ever know what to write about tho.
\ni ended up being hired @ merit as well. its pretty awesome
\ntonight i watched the Date: 2022 anju concert and it was really good.
\num that’s all
\n", "date_published": "2022-06-15T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2022/06/15/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2021/09/01/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2021-09-01", "content_html": "It’s going to be hard, it looks like Elias may finally be getting laid off. I think it’s a blessing in disguise though. Welocalize has proven to be the shittiest little garbage company ever created. He already has a lot of promising interviews anyway.
\nCurious to see how it turns out. with how slow I am to update this thing, I’ll be Christmas and long past this dilemma so hopefully I can write an update.
\nMy job is fine. I wish it was busier. But when it is busy, I get stressed out. I should just enjoy the “downtime” while its here i guess. I’m still going to ask tomorrow if Heather has anything she wants me to be doing. Since it seems like she kinda is my manager. I just wish it were clearer.
\nWho knows whats going to happen next. Life keeps going, and my life is pretty good right now. I just need to call dad at some point soon, I miss him…
\n", "date_published": "2021-09-01T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2021/09/01/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2021/06/02/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2021-06-02", "content_html": "Yesterday I got a raise @ work! That was nice. Last week, Phil and I went up to Fort Worth so that we could go to the potluck. It was fun.
\nThis past weekend we decided to go no contact with the mother in law because she did something really horrible. I don’t like the way she has chosen to live her life. I think it’s pretty pathetic.
\nToday I had a really bad dr appt. It’s getting old to hear I’m fat. I know I am.
\nAnyway, that’s all.
\n", "date_published": "2021-06-02T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2021/06/02/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2021/02/25/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2021-02-25", "content_html": "tomorrow is the last day @ welocalize and it’s so weird?? they offered me a position on the financial team, but i’ve had a few interviews with better fits. i had already “accepted” the position with welo and it feels kind of bad to renege but it’s my life and i need to do my best for myself. not for anyone else, especially a company that treats their employees as disposable
\nstill, it’s weird… we have been with welo for 2 years now, so quitting seems strange. it’s the same amount of time we were @ vtg, but vtg feels longer? maybe because we switched positions but it might also have been the general hectic atmosphere of Date: 2019+Date: 2020
\nanyway, it’s the end of an era. honestly fuck welo as a company and fuck anyone high enough in the food chain that they enable the bullshit.
\n(once again too lazy to get up and get stickers)
\n", "date_published": "2021-02-25T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2021/02/25/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2021/02/20/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2021-02-20", "content_html": "this last week was absolute chaos. between trauma dates, super busy work and the winter storm it snowed a lot for texas and everyone’s power had gone out.
\non the bright side, i got paid on friday and i started a latch hook. it’s a rainbow latchhook. i hope i can finish it within the next few weeks.
\ni am going to have an interview next wednesday for a jewelry place and i had one last week for a freelance health care position. i am just mad at localice for how terrible and busy this week has been.
\nhopefully we get a new better paying job sooner than later.
\ni’m going to bed now because my neck hurts. and i also can’t write much without my hand and arm hurting.
\n", "date_published": "2021-02-20T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2021/02/20/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2021/02/13/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2021-02-13", "content_html": "today it is Saturday. it is supposed to snow tomorrow. the low is 8°! can you believe it? it’s supposed to be texas…
\ntomorrow is valentines day! ♡ after that is… ☹
\n", "date_published": "2021-02-13T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2021/02/13/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2021/02/12/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed", "content_html": "hey! long time no talk. the only real big change we have is, that we got our top surgery done! yay ♡
\nhonestly the only reason i am picking this back up is so i have an excuse to use my stickers haha. and various other stationery.
\ntoday i’m having my follow up appt for top surgery. wish me luck!! ♡
\nI am trying to get over my anxiety of using stickers lol
\nI can’t believe we have had this stupid journal for five years.
\n", "date_published": "2021-02-12T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2021/02/12/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2019/10/30/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2019-10-30", "content_html": "This year we are making mac+cheese for the work potluck.
\n", "date_published": "2019-10-30T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2019/10/30/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2019/10/24/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2019-10-24", "content_html": "Missed yesterday oh well. Not my fault/problem. Today was a good day. I was super lazy at work today. It’s a Thursday so we are on the lazy side…
\nThis weekend is tool & I am super excited!
\nI am also super tired. I don’t know how or why. I hope I can get into a new psych soon. I am figuring it out, but for now just sticking with Baylor, but with a different doctor. My current doctor sucks big old monkey nuts.
\nI am grateful that I am not in the spooky torture house :/ (ed note: I think talking about the McKenny house or whatever, probably watched a video about it)
\n", "date_published": "2019-10-24T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2019/10/24/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2019/10/17/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2019-10-17", "content_html": "Grateful:
\nNot gonna lie, there was a lot of negativity today that I could write about, but I would rather stay positive. what will I be for halloween….
\nI am happy because of the prospect of a new doctor, I want to go to the clinic that has many doctors all in one. That would be more convenient.
\nAlso I found a place where I can finance a fridge so I am super happy!! I already got approved and it is on sale because it has cosmetic damage. I am super happy that we will finally have a good fridge. We need it and have needed it for awhile now.
\nOkay we got home really late so I am going to sign off here so I can get to bed.
\nOverall, despite its obstacles today was a good day.
\nPS Elias got back on meds so he should be feeling better soon! Yay :)
\n", "date_published": "2019-10-17T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2019/10/17/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2018/09/10/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2018-09-10", "content_html": "Elias got the job he wanted.
\nI am going to be stupidly cold to my doctor. I really rather dislike her now so I will just have very bare politeness.
\nThis is what I get for actually trying to improve myself. Spit in the face.
\nI cant wait to die tbh. Maybe in a few years when I get my debt paid off?
\n", "date_published": "2018-09-10T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2018/09/10/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2018/03/04/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2018-03-04", "content_html": "So sick & tired of myself, like, stupid bitch, do you ever stop & think about anyone but yourself? And you have the nerve to wonder why no one wants to be around you? Maybe its because yours a stupid selfish fucking bratty bitch? Ever think about that?
\nGod I am so disgusted and disgusting lmao!! The day that I finally get the courage to off myself is the day that all of humanity recovers from whatever bullshit my life has put them through.
\nReally, I am really sorry that I’m so selfish that I continue to live. I know the world would be so much better off without me & there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not fully aware of that.
\nI’m just really sorry that I haven’t had the courage to kill myself properly yet. I will do it soon, I promise. My tolerance for the pain is going away, so …
\nI’m sorry.
\n", "date_published": "2018-03-04T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2018/03/04/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2018/03/03/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2018-03-03", "content_html": "I am my alters.
\nWhy do I pretend?
\nI have no trauma.
\nRichard is me.
\nAnastasia is me.
\nThey are all just me.
\nDelusional bitch.
\nMom was right.
\nUnloveable.
\n", "date_published": "2018-03-03T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2018/03/03/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2018/02/25/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2018-02-25", "content_html": "anyway, i have been super consistent w/ working out + i think i deserve a damn medal. i’ve been super consistent about journaling too actually. in fact i have been getting into a routine which feels as awesome as it does weird! it helps so much & i actually feel like my life is finally getting stable which is awesome & scary lol
\nAnyway! Bedtime
\n", "date_published": "2018-02-25T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2018/02/25/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2018/02/20/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2018-02-20", "content_html": "today sure was a day. tons of good news, tons of stress. found out that elias' family is moving which is stress, but got a 10% raise which is good. enclosing the review papers.
\ni stress ate like an entire small dominos' pizza and still only ended up 600 over and still under my tdee plus i undereate yesterday so its fine. mostly just frustrating to think my emotional eating isn’t over yet. thought i was done with that.
\nanyway ttyl
\n", "date_published": "2018-02-20T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2018/02/20/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2018/02/17/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2018-02-17", "content_html": "Size fucking 12!!!
\nDon’t look now but I am in a size 12! And I bought underwear at a large and its a little too big for me!!
\nI’m a “medium” in underwear? What the hell??
\nThe scale told me 198.0 this morning but judging from my waist size most of that is water weight (probably retained from exercise)
\nSize 12 tho?!! I’m back into normal jeans and I don’t feel weird about it?!
\nI need to tell the world, I am so excited.
\nPlus, I should be back in the 180s by the end of March!
\nHoly cow I’m happy!
\n", "date_published": "2018-02-17T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2018/02/17/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2018/02/13/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2018-02-13", "content_html": "my back hurts. apparently we are starting this crazy strict workout plan, now that we are settled in. it’s probably a good thing to have something to focus our energy on.
\nWe are going to have our yearly review in a few days, just wish we could get that over with lmao. nothing like being anxious for two months for essentially no reason.
\nhonestly, i’m surprised we have kept up this journal streak for this long. Maybe we are becoming creatures of habit? lmao yeah right.
\nAlso we made up w/ Katie but we are still feeling wary around her. Will probly take a minute to calm down.
\n", "date_published": "2018-02-13T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2018/02/13/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2018/02/08/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2018-02-08", "content_html": "Guess who is not reading that previous page? This guy
\nI accidentally took a day off today bc I was supposed to work 7-3 but I slept in until 8 anyway but its probably good bc I havent had a day off in months
\ncalled in sick and Jessica let me use vacation day without any issues
\nI’m overwhelmed with the possibility of things I could do today. I’ll probably just take a nap. That might be a waste tho???
\nanyway I fulfilled the required journal entry of the day
\nBTW I’m going to the doctor today to get my Lexapro dosage higher. It’s working but not as well as it could be in my opinion.
\n", "date_published": "2018-02-08T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2018/02/08/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2016/01/06/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2016-01-06", "content_html": "honestly i feel disgusting. im tired of my life being ruined. im completely fucking done with this i swear to god.
\ni just want to die, i don’t want to go on like this any longer. i just want to put a bullet thru my head or something because this is getting to be too much for me.
\nthere is nothing more disorienting than coming back and the kid was talking to one of my friends for two fucking hours and the little mermaid is playing.
\nout of everything that’s happened thus far, somehow this is the most disorienting yet. i don’t know why. maybe because i’ve spent most of my life avoiding childish shit only to constantly have it shoved in my face now.
\nhoodoo put a disgusting picture of me on the fridge, good. hopefully it will keep us from indulging and we can finally lose some weight, especially before elias’ visit…
\nhe shouldn’t have to see me like this.
\ni want to die. fuck.
\n", "date_published": "2016-01-06T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2016/01/06/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2016/01/04/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2016-01-04", "content_html": "god i am tired of being tired which probably seems like a paradox. strange that i’m back around more and more often. guess things are settling down.
\ni could complain about a million things, but honestly i don’t even have the energy to do so.
\nsince i have been gone for a month, everything has changed. and as usual, i just get really truncated versions of what happened and trying to dig up memories is working about as well as it ever does.
\nhoodos has a job interview tomorrow which is exciting. maybe i’ll get to celebrate with them at some point if i’m around in a timely manner.
\nwill have to choose a present for elias + that’s about it i’m guessing considering our finances…
\ni don’t feel like i have an identity anymore.
\ngoing to bed- have been up around 2 hrs. pathetic
\n", "date_published": "2016-01-04T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2016/01/04/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] }, { "id": "http://lovely.micro.blog/2000/08/01/transcribed/", "title": "Transcribed 2000-08-01", "content_html": "3 WORDS: I need glasses.
\nI’m far sighted
\nI got leopard glasses.
\n", "date_published": "2000-08-01T03:00:00-05:00", "url": "https://needing.space/2000/08/01/transcribed/", "tags": ["alter: octavia","transcribed","Longform"] } ] }