elias (husband) on needing.space

chaos

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 03:01:13 -0500

today was so chaotic

2 hours of sleep
wake up at 7:30am
40min drive to New workplace
piss test number 1 at new workplace/pre employment
inform employer im on a stimulant for ADHD that might come back positive, they say they don’t care
pre employment paperwork
blood work to prove I had childhood vaccinations for work, had to take from both arms
drive back home 40min
fight with removing old visor and installing new one in car, an especially difficult task
find that my BFF and Elias both had late gifts for me that came in - cute purse and loose legos
put external hard drive files to transfer to server
drive Elias & I to new psych - 1hr10min
do more new hire paperwork from phone including background check stuff, put in my GED and not my college
drive to Walmart to buy a small desk at Walmart for the computer in living room (only about 5min)
hurry and drive back for my own appointment
piss test number 2 (yes probably first and last piss test combo during one day for different people) because psych/stimulants
talk to doctor
go out for kaitenzushi sushi to relax and celebrate job - 1.5hr drive
realize that background check probably wanted my college even though job only requires/asks for GED, just so it matches my resume on file
look at transcript, realize my moronic old college fucked up my transfer and background check will likely come back as degree unearned
send a text to HR giving them a heads up/explaining situation
spend the rest of night being anxious about it
go to claw machine only arcade
win a kuromi plushie
drive back home, 2hr drive
surprisingly got home in one piece despite multiple people trying to cause crashes likely because it’s the night before New Year’s Eve
the download/transfer didn’t work because it paused on transferring… a virus? for some reason I backed up quarantined viruses from 2016 on my external I need to delete them hahaha
still dwelling on anxiety, put together desk for distraction
realize I got an email an hour after the first email, saying I had passed background check… less anxious but still somewhat anxious
look up rules on how to fix it and get my degree awarded/sent
update brother and friends podcast website
work on transcribing some old journals
realize I have therapy tomorrow, worlds largest sigh
veg out in front of TV until 2:30am

and yes that means I drove almost 6 hours today

still here

Sun, 14 Dec 2025 15:36:28 -0500

yes, we are still here. it’s just that it has been way too busy and exhausted to update here unfortunately. we have been doing TMS full time for six weeks starting in september, and then we started spravato which has been life changing. it really has helped our depression so much. like, pretty much in remission at this point.

with coming into the new year, there’s going to be quite a lot that we have to do. we are finally down to once a week on spravato, but they are changing our insurance, so we need to figure that out. there is a place that is slightly closer than the 200mi/3 hour round trip for the other place that both us and elias are going to right now. but still, it’s been exhausting have to drive to and from dallas every day for months now. it’s just… too much honestly. so, will be glad to be moving to somewhere closer, and only doing it once a week.

still, everything is so tiring…

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

Wed, 15 Oct 2025 01:16:08 -0500

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

so I start a new job tomorrow. it’s just a really simple one, delivery driver for dominos. I’m going to continue doing TMS through the next few weeks as well. so, it’s going to be a LOT at first. I’m hoping that I can make it through the first few weeks without getting too burnt out. especially since it’s SO MUCH driving.

I’m annoyed because I’ve almost hit the 95k driving milestone on my car which means the big expensive maintenance is coming up :/ probably at least $1,000 and that’s a very generous estimate. and on top of that with having to buy new non slip shoes, pants, etc. feels like I’m going to be in debt just trying to pay off the start up costs for the job…

I think the fact that I get to sit in between walking to doors and also in between working in the store will help me ramp back up and hopefully my fatigue won’t take over too much. however, I haven’t held a job in a few months at this point, so I already know I’m going to have to get used to sitting at work for 8 hours with no distractions. (especially since, maybe worse! I haven’t worked outside of the home since COVID in early 2020. whenever I’m not working from home the hours seem to go by so slowly…)

I promised e I would be really careful about watching my mental health and quitting if I felt too burnt out. so I will give myself permission to do so, though I don’t intend to. I’d at least like to give it a few months.

I sincerely hope they realize that me having the Crywolf day off and also my anniversary off are non negotiables. I’ll be magically sick that day if they don’t approve my PTO, I don’t really care.

anyway. it will be nice to get out of the house a little. and jobs like these are so make or break based on the team/coworkers there! so I won’t know until I’m properly on the job. all things considered/all in, I think I’ll make about $15/hr average which is… fine, acceptable, whatever. for now a job is a job and it works with my treatments (even though nights and weekends is A Lot)

I’ll try to remember to update more frequently (famous last words)

mostly just tired

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 13:58:12 -0500

Hi all. I find myself mostly just tired lately. It’s hard to explain how fatigue inducing TMS has been for me. Really, it’s been the biggest negative side effect, which is hard to push through when there have been virtually no positive effects just yet. It’s three hours round trip every single day for six weeks (200 miles round trip), and I’ll tell you what… I would not be doing this unless I had absolutely no other alternative. Because right now, it is so exhausting. But what is the alternative? Not getting better?

It gets even more complicated when you realize that it’s making work awful too, or the lack thereof. There are no “normal” 9-5 jobs that are going to work around me needing to take half the business day off to go run to Dallas every single day. So, I have been looking into part-time/weekend/nights jobs. I got an interview at a grocery store for overnight stocking, but they took one look at me and how short and chubby I am and instantly decided I wasn’t right for the job. Which is awful. Like, they tried to say it was because I had “no overnight experience and no stocking experience.” You saw that on my resume. You just wanted to discriminate against my physical appearance. So pathetic.

I have another interview tomorrow, though I doubt it will go anywhere. It’s just for a job that is two Saturdays and four Sundays a month, just filling in for another person for a driving position. At this point, I’ll take just about anything. I even set up an appointment to sell plasma to help get us through and help pay for the copay and gas to get 200 miles every single day. I thought about doing Doordash today, but turns out, when I’m driving like that, I just want to get home and sit down in a chair and stop driving. I might do that a little bit later… not that Doordash is particularly worth it, honestly.

I’ve also been supplementing with Prolific. E says that I shouldn’t be so much worried about jobs and money right now and should just focus on getting better mentally. But how can I focus on getting better mentally when I know we are still negative every month? I don’t want us to have to start dipping into our super emergency. Right now, we have only been dipping into our “backup funds”, aka Elias' money, but we do have an actual emergency fund that I’d rather leave untouched if we can.

I’m probably going to try and transfer over all the posts from the other blog to this one today. But man, it’s going to be hard to look at them. I had such an “easy” life when I was a teenager, and seeing me whine about things like Gears of War versus what’s happening today is a little bit difficult… ahaha.

why are steno machines like shiny pokemon

Fri, 15 Aug 2025 13:26:00 -0500

…or better yet, like trying to find a car during COVID???

I got told by five people last week that they had sold their machines to other people and that they had been swamped with DMs. one of those people was someone who hasn’t even posted publicly, it was just me being referred by someone who had sold their machine and had a coworker looking to sell! @_@

It’s been an actual nightmare trying to find something. I managed to find one, but jeez…

I also had a really good interview. we will see how that goes. I haven’t been having any trouble getting interviews, but I’ve been picky about where I’m applying so I’m getting less and less. which actually is a good thing because it’s been crazy overloading.

I’ll just paste what I wrote to E about the interview:

interview went really well. we ran out of time because both of us were talking a lot, that kind of how it ends up when you build rapport haha. the person i interviewed with is from a small town in western michigan, about 30 minutes north of where we were born and raised so we had that in common.

they actually are open to me being in either position (the customer service or the back office position), but they wanted to meet with me and talk to me about the realities of both positions.

they seem really nice and the work seems easy. they said they might need to schedule more time with me because there was supposed to be a mock call, but we didn’t get to it because we both were asking each other a lot of questions and speaking with each other a lot/connecting.

i think if they don’t give me an offer, it’s because they genuinely feel that my personality wouldn’t be a fit. I was very, very honest about our personality, in that I am the first ones to talk when there’s an awkward pause during meetings of 20 people and the facilitator says “any questions?” and I am the type that gives a lot of feedback when I am fully trained and have mastered everything.

The interviewer also was like “we don’t mind occasional attendance issues as long as you’re really honest, I can help you out more, I really appreciate honesty” so i put that in the back of my mind and when she asked how I stayed on task, I was like, “well, this might be too much information, but I used to be really bad with this because I had unmedicated ADHD. I’m medicated now, so it’s a lot easier, but I still have XYZ process to help me stay on task.” just showing her that I am very honest in general. I was like, for better or worse, I am honest.

she asked “what are some times that you being late has affected your job performance?” and I was like, I wish I could tell you, but this has genuinely never been an issue with me, aha.

it was a huge green flag that they seemed open about accepting feedback though, as I honestly told them that that was something that we struggled with at my last position, where i felt like my feedback was hitting a brick wall a lot of times. I also told them that I struggled with a position where I am alone a lot, so in all truth, the customer service oriented position might be better for me. it seems like their other team, the back office one, has a lot of people like at merit… super introverted people who don’t really want to interact, they just clock in, do their work, and clock out. whereas the customer service position has a lot more team camaraderie, people talk a lot more. the customer service position seems to have a bit more oversight, but that’s just because the manager is more extroverted so reaches out more.

the back office position seems also a lot more like merit because they have flexible hours, whereas the customer service one, you’re pretty much clocked in and then clocked out at the same time every day. I told them that I always clock in and clock out at the same time, I wasn’t really the type that utilized the flexibility of the position unless there was some sort of medical issue happening, and then I let my manager know. whereas I know some people will clock in and clock out at very different times at merit as long as they’re still within the window. we pretty much always have worked 10-6 without any variation.

also I tried to dictate this entry and talk about actual nightmare. Google’s Android keyboard is literally broken for voice dictation lol.

elias (husband) on needing.space

chaos

still here

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

mostly just tired​

why are steno machines like shiny pokemon

mostly just tired