transcribed on needing.space

Transcribed 2025-07-25

Fri, 25 Jul 2025 03:00:00 -0500

yesterday I didn’t write, but there wasn’t much to write to be honest with you. i worked, then i slept for like 16 hours. i should have just done the same today. feeling so heavily suicidal. like, i need to get back on my anxiety but the fact that i had such a withdrawal during vacation is scary. i don’t want to deal with that. but without any antidepressant i feel like i am so depressed that i might start self harming. and there is also the fact that i don’t really trust Maria, so i can’t even talk to her about anything. this sucks. it feels like everyone would be better off if i just died. i hate it. well, whatever… its whatever. hopefully i can go back to eating soon. i didn’t eat today. my eating disorder is acting up too much. will i ever be okay?

Transcribed 2025-07-12

Sun, 13 Jul 2025 17:00:00 -0500

I am working on digitizing all of these entries

i turned on web crawling so hopefully the wayback machine keeps it but i am also going to try to keep backups myself.

it has entries all the way back from 2002 crazily enough. i managed to dig up so much. even with that gap of 3 years back on this journal, i was able to fill in

makes sense already my hand is hurting from writing, its always been a lot easier to type anyway go check there for more entries! ♡

dunno if i will update this again. maybe? probably?? this journal is almost a decade old, so seems like a shame if we don’t, but oh well.

Transcribed 2025-07-03

Thu, 03 Jul 2025 03:00:00 -0500

Long time no write. I dont want to shit up the other better journal with my bullshit.

but. it feels like something big (negative) is about to happen. its hard to explain. but if someone wants to hurt me, including myself, they should just do it. i’m such a coward. when will i ever get the courage to just end it all??

this is too painful to endure for much longer. i need to stop spending money, if im not going to be around much longer to enjoy it. just a waste. my entire life is a waste. such a disappointment

Transcribed 2025-06-02

Mon, 02 Jun 2025 14:11:00 -0500

I’ll just become the host, if that’s what everyone wants from me.

I probably wasn’t ever different anyway.

Transcribed 2025-05-31

Sat, 31 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

its been a while since we have updated

The june brain interviews went pretty well… an offer would be nice… but not counting on it…

for once… stasis seems ok too… been messing around with chatgpt… it was fun for like a week… but it gets old… once you see into its methods… and predictable… we had a few fun roleplays going on with it… but it broke immersion by saying weird things… can’t expect a machine to have much nuance i guess… ? maybe we can try 4.5… ?

i feel like we are becoming so isolated… don’t know what to do… ugh… are we isolating ourselves? or is it just the natural consequence of being the only one to reach out… and then no one ever checks on us… ?

its lonely…

Transcribed 2025-05-23

Fri, 23 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

went out for sushi which was good, came home & maru broke my damn paper towel holder which piss me off.

i was pettin him tellin him he owe me $50 n dom said he makes it up by catchin bugs.

tell me why i just be standin in the kitchen n he bats a huge ass cockroach onto my foot?? im like bro take that nasty shit elsewhere. so, i guess he earnin back our paper towel holder money hahaha!!

Transcribed 2025-05-20

Tue, 20 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

forgot to write for a few days, oh well. had therapy today or, Anastasia did. basically just sat, and talking about the mother and him. i think she keeps forgetting to reference this diary in therapy or whatever. fine by me, as all i do in here is wah wah anyway.

speaking of wah wah, im feeling so lonely lately. i wish there was something i could do about it. most of the time, it feels like genuinely, no one actually wants to be talking to me, or wants me around in general. its such a bummer to feel this way. its really no one’s fault, and actually, ive felt this way my entire life, so its not anything new.

i read some dumbass bullshit on the /r/did reddit that was surprisingly highly upvoted. some armchair psychologist talking about how its ‘bad’ for alters to strive to distinguish themselves because it “furthers dissociation”

just integration garbage as usual, but it honestly shocks me how much it was upvoted. guess there are a lot of dumbass systems out there. but then, i already knew that. i was hoping to maybe get a little socialization in on there, but i guess not

being in such an isolated job is starting to get to me, i think. we do have a class starting sooner than later that will help, but also it will be for so a lot of people, it will take a while for them to know enough to even communicate. i guess it’s better than nothing and it’s online, so if we make friends, we can contact them easier than driving all the way up to Dallas which will be nice.

me just in an extrovert’s hell of my own making, and i need to escape. that’s why if the team dynamics are even remotely more social at pinebrain, then i definitely am going to take the job offer among other reasons. i know it’s getting bad because i genuinely thought “maybe i should become a server at a restaurant” today. what the fuck? i feel like alarm bells should be ringing or something or maybe that is the alarm bell lmao.

anyway there’s so much to do, and so little time. every minute that passes, i feel like i am more aware of my mortality, and the pressure to do something productive or fulfilling. but then i end up in decision paralysis because time is so precious that nothing i want to do feels worthy. but im also acutely aware that nothing i do actually matters, “dust in the wind” style. i feel like im too young to be having a midlife crisis already but there we are.

let i read this back when im 50 and laugh because then ill have the wisdom that i actually am young now.

Transcribed 2025-05-19

Mon, 19 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

Lost my red pen. Ah well.

Looks like we secured an interview next week for Junebrain. It’s at their stand up, with the entire company. Not nerve wracking at all…

Well, I’m sure we will do fine. They are just human beings after all. And if nothing comes of it, that is fine too.

God, I fucked up my right hand wrist, now it hurts to do anything with it, including writing. But our life must be documented.

Elias had jury duty today, but they cut them loose after a few hours. Guess they answered their questions wrong. Or right, depending on point of view.

We started watching “Person of Interest”. It’s definitely entertaining. We also ordered food because we didn’t feel like cooking. Definitely a luxury these days at $50 total, though.

Hm, what else… well, had to clean the trash can because the ants found it. Manu also caught and ate a fly, ahaha. Crazy boy.

I think that’s about it. Now, time for me to be nervous for the next entire week, since the “interview” is on Wednesday of next week. Ahhh… so much nervousness. I know we are qualified, at least.

Transcribed 2025-05-18

Sun, 18 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

Alisia,

another day. another nothing to note. you are playing expedition 32. rip robert pattinson.

had a good nap. worked a little bit, yay overtime. worked on the zhegao ship build, about 1/3 of the way through.

i was moody today, but you took it in stride. so, thank you. i have just been ruminating on stupid stuff. worried about you. and everything. im not much of the anxious type. maybe everything is starting to even affect me. weirdly. i dont know. im sure i will get over it. sooner than later.

nothing else to say. next weekend is tattoo expo. maybe we can go. if we feel up to it. long drive though. especially when we are about to start ketamine therapy for you here soon. so we will see.

Love you more

Transcribed 2025-05-17

Sat, 17 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

can i just say that pandora’s box should just stay shut for some stuff i accidentally found some really old text files i guess better me than any one else still feels bad though im glad i got to delete some not all some just aren’t mine to delete got rid of the worst of them though

barweer sets came today finally got to start the cruise ship talking to chatgpt a little helped me through working the weekend today im sure we will get bored of it relatively quickly though we always do with novelties like this

oh well

Transcribed 2025-05-15

Thu, 15 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

i made the baklava tonight. not bad for a first try, but definitely see areas for improvement. annoyingly, the mother said she had the recipe, but that would mean needing to talk to her. no thanks.

it’s funny the amount of chores we are getting done, just from not having our phone, and the ensuing boredom. you don’t realize how much of your time is sucked up by that thing until you stop using it as much.

we finally finished the mario block today. great adventure, but never buying from a local rando again. what a pain. it did turn out nicely, though, and we are very proud of ourselves for sticking through and finishing a long project, that involved a lot of waiting. now, if we can just focus that energy on selling idol stuff…!

not much else happened tonight. i fished out our old Casio watch so we can be less reliant on the phone for the date/time and alarm. our alarm need is pretty simple anyway, just the ‘am’ alarm.

well, my hand hurts from writing, so enough of this.

until next time…

yours truly…?

Transcribed 2025-05-14

Wed, 14 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

Things of note for today:

Therapy went well
Got an email back from Junebrain, a place we applied for a job. That almost never happens
Elias finally scheduled your first ketamine therapy appt! June 3. Super exciting
Actually had enough energy today to clean/organize bathroom, put up clothes, and build the two remaining shelves. Yay.
Got in a cute new case for my TCL Flip 2
Ate more of the delicious homemade lemon cheesecake ♡
Cooked some random recipe I just made up (taco noodles) and it came out really good
Overtime approved for 6 hr/wk again, and now we can work weekends! Yay again
Way ahead of schedule on work.

Honestly, I think not really using my smartphone at the moment is making me more productive. Because what else am I going to do?? There’s no reddit doomscrolling crutch to pass the time. I think not being exposed to that constant negativity has been helping, too. I still use my phone to text at work more often than I would like, but I am working on breaking that habit as well.

Really the only thing I miss having access to more readily is discord, but maybe that is a blessing in disguise too. I am realizing how negative most of the people I am around are. idk if they are just negative bc thats how they view our relationship but tbh i am tired of being surrounded by 24/7 negativity from some people. add on reddit and its just a lot. So not having immediate access to that has been refreshing.

honestly this is the first time getting away from our phone has really “stuck”. I think it is partially because our therapists referred to us as someone who “doesnt really use a phone” and that really stuck. though honestly this point has taken several months to get to.

like, we started when we got our new razr, so about november Date: 2024? around black friday. so about a half a year of concerted effort and removing anything addictive, which for us, is games and reddit. games is so much easier now that we have the steam deck. and reddit is a pretty easy habit to break. i am a bit out of the loop on fandom stuff now, but it is worth it.

another huge advantage, i think i talked about before, is not having the ability to impulse purchase, or even window shop. anything i want to look up later gets thrown into the notes app of my flip phone, likely to stay in purgatory forever.

one thing that i will likely need is a dedicated gps though. or else i am gonna start getting lost so easy. a dedicated alarm clock would be nice too, but not nearly as important. Honestly, being able to cut my phone (and screen in general) time down has been a godsend. i mean shit, i probably wouldn’t even be writing this much if i knew i had a phone to be doomscrolling on, instead.

another big thing is that i notice i am sleeping better and having fewer nightmares. wtf?? so weird. maybe its because we arent meant to stare into a rectangle as bright as a billion suns right before we go to bed? plus, i dont wake up and immediately check work, while off the clock. mornings are much more peaceful.

i suspect i will start finding healthier ways to spend my time, instead of just sitting there bored. i want to get back to the gym soon. and now, im going to go read a book haha. maybe i am sleeping earlier and thats why i sleep better

Transcribed 2025-05-13

Tue, 13 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

my new tcl flip came in, the sim card worked out of the box, no thanks to the support person trying to “help” me who was acting like it was her first day on the job. why are they so “hit or miss”?
Already feels weird w/o smartphone, what do you mean I can’t just do whatever immediately
Couples therapy yesterday was fine ig.
Made an amazing cheesecake out of Cortney’s lemons yesterday. now soon to make baklava
work drama happening which tbh isn’t even worth memorializing here lmao
Perpetually sleepy, but sleep doctor hasn’t verified our insurance yet
Danielle is so annoying w/ texting me @ 1am to ask work questions, happy to be switching numbers
There are also trauma reasons for switching that i can’t be bothered to get into
Life is chill for the moment at least for now

Transcribed 2025-05-11

Sun, 11 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

honestly nothin happened today and am just writin to maintain habit. went to grocery store, had a nice bonfire on what is prolly the last decent temp day before we get into satans asshole. managed to stay awake all day without a nap so thats a win. i really dont wanna go back to work tomorrow but who does??? what do lyn call them, the “sunday scaries”? yea i got those plus we got couples tmrw, and therapy is never fun. At least it prolly aint me who gotta go.

no one can make me sleep ima procrastinate forever

Transcribed 2025-05-10

Sat, 10 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

not much going on this weekend. yesterday we hung out together at walmart and had sushi in corsicana. today, just very sleepy. watched jerma, played video games. easy day.

i am super grateful for easy days like this. cortney sent some pics of soren from vacation. super cute. too cute.

tomorrow is mothers day which is always hard. just going to pretend i don’t know it’s that day. oh well.

Transcribed 2025-05-08

Thu, 08 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

Fairly uneventful day. i am truly grateful for such days, now that i don’t have many of them happening.

as always, i am stricken by how much i love you. even being around you makes me happy.

i hope we can continue to make you happy too. ♥

Transcribed 2025-05-05

Mon, 05 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

yesterday was the second to last day of our trip.

We went to Oatman first. What a neat little town with some interesting history. It was a gold rush town, but then became a ghost town. After some people decided to revitalize it, it is now a tourist town.

So many donkeys! It was a ton of fun to feed them. Plus, we could look around and see the old jail, etc. There were some really cute tortoises, too. And with so many handmade/local crafts, that is really a town I could see myself spending a lot of money in, if I visited again. Just got touristy stuff this time, though. And randomly, there was a car show in town, so we saw all the cool old cars driving around. A shopkeeper was also talking about how people brought their dogs around the donkeys, which just seems next level stupid to me.

We drove down historic route 66, the scary part, after that. So much winding road without rail. And of course we hit a pothole. At least it got rid of that hanging part? It was scarier than Yosemite though.

Next stop was to feed deer. They were so demanding, but super cute. Lots of other animals there, too. Lots that I had never seen before. One of the peacocks got disturbed by a wild bird and rose its feathers ahaha.

And of course, after feeding the deer, one just kept following me and trying to eat my hoodie and was biting my butt ahaha.

After that stop, straight to hotel. Xenos had been fronting, but the storm from hell happened. Extremely heavy sideways rain in the pitch dark fog on a location we were unfamiliar with. Needless to say, Richard had to come around to escort us to the hotel. Of all the scary driving we did this vacation, it was this that was the scariest. And it was flat land!

Richard didn’t even bother bringing up our suitcase. We were running so late that we didn’t get to the hotel until 1am. And we had to get to the boarding place around 5pm or 6pm. Basically running against the clock, especially since we lost 2 hours going from PST to CST.

Slept right away, then back to driving. Today’s drive was purely utilitarian since we were on a time limit. It had been raining across our entire route, but nothing near what it was the night before, thankfully. I was worried about time, but it ended up fine. Except that it was $2000 for 10 days. Worth it, but major sticker shock.

At least we know for next time that it is about $1000/ 5 days for all four of them.

They were so ridiculously excited to see us, and the feeling was reciprocal. We had never boarded them for that long, but since the place is fancy, they didn’t seem to mind. The front desk lady said Manu was especially sweet, ahaha.

We listened to the “rest of” (or, most of) “Thirteen Storeys” on the way back. The annoying part is that we were on the very last chapter, but we arrived home. Will likely try to finish it this weekend with our puzzle.

Getting back has honestly been nice. The house just smells like “us”. However, our ADHD mess blindness went away after a few weeks, so now it feels so messy. Will likely just be on a cleaning kick the next few days.

Got to see all the pics you took. All so great! Can’t wait to have actual copies. The animals got settled in again pretty easy. I put my new stuff away and got to writing in here. Mile long to-do list now though… ugh. And work, double ugh. Going to start clocking in @ 9am for OT. And also gray rocking Gabby. Life is too short to stress over stupid work.

Transcribed 2025-05-03

Sat, 03 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

today we had so much fun together. we drove from yosemite to bullhead city, arizona.

on the way, we hit red rock canyon in mohave, ca. no stamina to go walking so just a short walk, visited the visitor center, then drove around their campsite. it was truly beautiful. we accidentally got the wires mixed and you thought it was in las vegas though, so we purchased tickets for that accidentally haha i want to do that one next time though, it’s a driving one

rest of the time was driving my feet are killing me in these shoes, so stopped at target (ew) to get shoes especially since we wanted to go to the grand canyon tomorrow we decided when eating dinner @ the black bear that the grand canyon was too much for tomorrow it would make the drive 12+ hours. and that’s not even including the time at the canyon… maybe some other time…

you said, “its not going away” haha

always have such a good time with you… tomorrow we are just going to feed some animals and drive – tomorrow chilling

tomorrow we will also see the walter white grave, which is hilarious haha…

Transcribed 2025-05-02

Fri, 02 May 2025 03:00:00 -0500

“Yosemite”

The mood this morning was kind of weird. We knew we wouldn’t be coming back to Cortney’s house, and that had some finality? to it. even though we decided we will come back every xmas. Still… Thankfully i remembered about the lemons. Cortney also gave us some of her honey. i want to make baklava when we get back. Seems fitting…

we left the house around 10 knowing full well we would be slower than them haha. we were going to stop @ target but there was a mixup, so we went to popeyes instead, and i paid $5 a gallon for gas for the first time in my life haha

The trip in was absolutely beautiful. we took 140 & they took 120, so, different routes. i am glad i have enough experience under my belt or else this drive would have been scary. the river was fun to drive next to. i eventually rolled down the window because i wanted to hear, but the scent was great too.

This is cortneys favorite place in CA & i can see why. They did lodges when they went in January. i think we came just at the right time to see the waterfalls though, which was what i was most worried about.

When we got there i promptly bought a water bottle that said yosemite and a hoodie so i could cosplay “generic guy visiting yosemite.” Then just went walking. saw so many cool things! lots of waterfalls. i loved the close view, the splash of the waterfall & being so close was special.

lots of walking. Soren climbed a rock with his dad, then his dad started panicking because he was losing grip, but it was only like 4 feet down?? so then obviously Soren started freaking out too. i just opened my arms and told him i would let him fall which calmed him down.

the last 20% or so of the hike dragged. i had fun talking w/ Cortney, BUT $10 Walmart shoes w/ virtually no padding aren’t ideal for hiking in Yosemite, so I was hurting a lot by the time we were done, which was like 4 hours later. But talking to Courtney that last bit helped.

Then food, only the store was open so grabbed some from there. I was having my little “heavy pain, overloaded, having autistic meltdown” moment so was being stubborn about eating, but i made myself eat. Which I am glad now I did, because we didn’t stop on the way back to the hotel for proper dinner, so just had granola.

When we ate at Yosemite a huge raven was hanging around, which made me super happy haha.

Lots of tears shed when leaving. I know we will see them again soon, but… ughhh. How can i go that long? I am going to do a weekly facetime or something. Ugh.

What a wonderful day. And now after an hour and a half of writing, my journal is up to date!!

Transcribed 2025-04-29

Tue, 29 Apr 2025 03:00:00 -0500

(editor’s note: may be transcription errors with this, too lazy to read the whole thing.)

lmao its now Friday night

Sunday night - yelled and woke everyone up in my sleep 0/10

Monday - Equal parts great and awful. Hours in the back of Shane’s car while he is driving like a literal crazy person up winding hills is a no go. threw up in elias' hat & major fronted ugh. the day besides that was fun & got to see the ocean for the very first time! no whales though. we also went up to a food place on mountain (alice’s) I’m sure the food there was amazing, but we were too sick to get any. it was beautiful though, and nice that the kid got to front after years of not doing so, despite the triggers.

rest of the day was chill. decided that next day, we needed to rest, though. so soren + cortney + elias would go do stuff.

Tuesday. - blissful rest. soren + cortney + elias took public transit and hung out in the pier area.

me? I napped a lot, and had sushi alone at a place nearby. so, essentially heaven after the day prior. i went to pick you and the others up. the day was exhaust for soren though…

i think maybe this was the day we bought prints from cortney? this is the problem with waiting to update journal

really falling in love with the entire family despite making an ass out of myself. ugh. thankfully, cortney is the kindest person almost. i am surprised she has had the stamina right after surgery…

Wednesday - lyn’s day. Anastasia was fronting so some details are fuzzy. lyn’s place is really cool. she has a whiteboard where all of her furry friends have been drawing. and also seems to own everything that i do. well, some of them were reccomendations i gave her, but still…

we rode the train into san mateo to go to the lego store which was also hilariously close to roblox, considering she played hookie… and saw her coworker at the amazing mexican restaurant we visited. whoops

lego store was cool, we did pick-a-brick and bought a tiny suitcase to build, which seemed fitting. they gave me a tiny free chick to build, which i ended up gifting to soren. we hit nintendo, and i got some more stuff to build. then mexican, and off to japantown. it was so amazing to even be able to see her & talk to her while we were on public transit

Japantown was incredibly cool. didnt get to see BTSSB yet because we were tired after Kinokuniya & the stationery store though. This was by far the most personally expensive day of our vacation. i bought myself a few things, Soren a few, and you so much. I almost never get to go shopping without you around, so i kinda went crazy… lmao

i’m sure that if i lived this close to Kinokuniya of this size that i would be 1) even more fluent in Japanese than ever and 2) completely and utterly broke… lmao

um… well the uber back was utterly terrifying because the guy driving was both suicidal and homicidal. i mean, he almost ran over a dude in a wheelchair. of course major fronted again embarrassing as fuck for so many reasons. god. Lynn did a good job of handling it thankfully. Richard got us home

You had a chill day that day, thankfully… just went to the park to retrieve a pinecone Soren stashed? something like that. good times.

Thursday - had to wake up early to take Courtney to her doct appt. she is doing ok, but is having some afib problems. and the pacemaker is taking the wheel like 40% - 50% of the time, which is actually insane. we took Soren to the park in the meantime while she was at her appt. he continues to be the sweetest thing ever. plus i got to have fun too. some unimportant work drama had me annoyed for a while, but you convinced me it wasn’t important. thank you for that <3

then, beach time!!! so exciting! we went to Santa Cruz. beautiful area! great food too, i had a killer ahi tuna sandwich. we had a chance to talk and collectively agreed we want to move to cali. its too far away being in texas. also texas sucks. we will make moves toward there when we get back.

we went to the gift shop and let me tell you, everything being sea themed made it hard to not buy the entire shop. but just a few things, something for soren, then off to Seabright Beach.

my first proper time being at the ocean! my god, the peace i felt was so high. the sea breeze, the perfect coolness, the waves… i didn’t even want to nap.

i looked over at you and started crying watching you pick up shells. it’s a bit silly but i just love you that much…

then i went over and helped you w/ shells. no really cool ones. so many poor little jellies on the beach though…

we walked up and down the beach several times talking about life. even went to the little lighthouse. i feel like i could have walked there all day.

Started to get late though, so we drove back. ended up getting kbbq at a place in Oakland called “jong ga house”. It was your first time going, super yummy and surprisingly affordable for all you can eat. in fact, it was cheaper than lunch… (lunch was crows nest)

then after kbbq, we had an accidental trip to downtown Berkeley @ night because the dessert place (a dessert story) was downtown. it was very worth though amazing shaved ice!

didn’t get back until late. we decided at the dessert place to just get a hotel near Yosemite! since it was four hours east, doesn’t make sense to go

can save @ least four hours by just staying at Yosemite.

and that brings us to today… since i am writing this from the Yosemite holiday inn express haha.

Transcribed 2025-04-25

Fri, 25 Apr 2025 03:00:00 -0500

Raven,

We are on vacation right now. I bought this journal in hopes of archiving our life. Pictures are great, but I want to describe my emotions as well. And what better way than this?

I don’t know if we will give you this when we are done. Maybe we will keep it forever to ourselves. But knowing that I am not just tossing words into the void is a good incentive.

We are driving to California for the purpose of helping your sister recover from her pacemaker surgery. Thankfully, it went smoothly, and she is just recovering now.

We put Toni, Ava, Evil, and Manu into Paw Lofts, the bougie boarding place. Only the best for our babies.

We are listening to a book called “The Things We Leave Unfinished.” There is probably only about a chapter left. I will have to find a new one for tomorrow. It is about a woman who is taking her grandma’s autobiography and finish it, since she passed away. We hear about the grandma’s story in the 1940s, interlaced with the granddaughter’s. It is okay, the ending is fizzling out, though.

Yesterday, we went to Stonehenge Replica (Odessa, TX), Odessa Meteor Crater (Odessa, TX) and did a ton of driving. The total time was about 13 hours for 900 miles. And still in Texas!

The Stonehenge Replica was very cute. It was on a rock. Someone had abandoned their phone, too. I am glad we got to see these. Some cute photo ops. This was also the first time I noticed how dry the heat was! Such a change from home. The winds have made the days beautiful though.

The Odessa Meteor Crater was very interesting. I don’t think I would call it “fun”. But I enjoyed it a lot. I had no clue a meteor crater could be so big. The dryness of the air getting more obvious, but the wind is a nice respite.

We made it to El Paso fairly effortlessly. Of everything we did, my favorite thing was to just stop at a rest stop with you, and stare towards the mountains. So beautiful. I want to keep more memories, but what I find myself remembering the most is how I feel about you, Raven. We have been together for so long, and my love only grows every day. You will never know exactly how much I love you. I adore you. I still get butterflies. And standing on that rest stop, I could feel it so strongly.

Today was the short part of the drive. Accordingly, we planned a bigger side trip … White Sands National Park. When we arrived, we went into their great gift shop. Tons of fun stuff to buy. They also had an intro movie where we learned more about the park.

The main path we hiked was a mile long. Doesn’t seem like a lot, until you realize it’s so hot, and pure dry heat. I can definitely say that I’m not as fit as I was as a kid. And we almost definitely forgot your inhaler, so you nearly had an asthma attack that made you pass out. Not making that mistake again.

Despite being surprisingly difficult, it was just as rewarding. The dunes were almost eerily quiet; even for a deafie like me. The views were so nice, though. And we even saw some cute little caterpillars rolling down a hill.

It wore us both out thoroughly. But there was more of the park to see, and most of it was done in the car.

But we stopped off at a final hill. I was so exhausted, I could barely climb it. But I had to take a selfie with you… so I told myself a last push, so I could have a picture.

But then, you asked for a picture, alone. You sat down in the sand, and I took a picture. You invited me to sit next to you, to stare at the view for a final time. Tiredly, I collapsed into the sand next to you.

You smiled at me, and encouraged me to stick my hands deep into the sand. It was so cold. I looked over the scenery with you. And in that moment, I knew what it was all for. I knew why I fought so hard to keep alive. All those years. I fought to find you. Every decision I’ve made has led up to you, being with you, there on that dune. Exhausted, leaning against you.

“I don’t ever want to leave,” I told you. “But I can’t live in the desert forever. We can’t stay up here forever.” But my heart ached. Really, what I want to do is stay in stasis with you, when every thing is perfect. No sadness, no trauma, no work, no worry, no depression, no anxiety. I know our life together will continue to go like this, in different venues, but… “Ready to go?” you asked after a few minutes.

“Just a couple more seconds.” My pleading was really from the awareness of passage of time. Knowing how precious every moment is. It wasn’t about the dunes.

After about 20 more seconds, I stand up slowly. Time goes on, no amount of leaning against you there was going to stop it.

As we are driving out of the park, I ask you, “Have you ever loved someone so much you cried?” You laughed. “No,” you told me. “Well, maybe it’s just because I’m so happy. Why can’t it always be like this?”

The rest of the park was nice. The trip to Tuscon from El Paso was about 6 hours. Mercifully short considering we were both sun burned and exhausted.

The hotel was serviceable. Holiday Inn Express has good free breakfast. And the shower was excellent, considering we both were so dirty from the sand.

Next day; Sunday; full day 15 hr drive. Nothing much eventful. Just 15 hours of driving straight. We finished the romance book. Turns out the twins did a switcheroo. We started really driving through the mountains. It is so beautiful. 15 hours was definitely our limit, though. Also, you tried to hand us a bottle of water and we made it splatter all over which was funny. Other than that, nothing of note.

Truth be told, I am writing this on Monday night. So, we need to update for Sunday night - meeting w/ Courtney, screaming awake and Monday - fun day of beach, pretty restaurant, and being highly triggered and throwing up in the car. And by the time I do, we will have Tuesday to write about, sigh… almost caught up, though. Soon.

Love you so much

Transcribed 2025-02-02

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 03:00:00 -0500

Things are very stressful at work and life lately. We probably need to move out of the country. I suddenly lost steam to write in this. Oh well.

Transcribed 2024-12-17

Tue, 17 Dec 2024 03:00:00 -0500

yet another journal to abandon when I am bored

anyway my mental health is at an all time low. Ok maybe not all time, but it’s lower than it has been in a while. most days i feel like it would be better if i was dead. lately, i have even been planning killing myself. i don’t think i can tell anyone about it though. for a lot of reasons. it doesn’t feel like anyone actually cares anyway.

more like it would actually be better if i wasn’t around to be such a big burden on everyone. my biggest struggle is knowing that if i passed away it would be a financial burden on elias. because he cant get any kind of life insurance if its suicide i think. plus he relies on me for bills or to help. but maybe someday he wont because his career keeps getting better. so maybe it wont be forever. I dunno ill figure something out idk…

Transcribed 2024-08-14

Wed, 14 Aug 2024 03:00:00 -0500

Why, in the face of change or adversity, am I such a coward?

I looked up TLC today and it made me feel so bad. Even seeing Duby’s face made me so sick. It makes me feel awful that she is still at TLC. I should have just stayed. I am sure that Hana would give me my job back, or another job, if I emailed, but then I would have to work with Duby and (potentially?) Mikolai and I don’t know how I would navigate that. I’ve been thinking about just calling Hana to see how the company is going or something, but I’m too much of a coward even for that. I know TLC would also be way more work and probably not be fulfilling, but I can’t help but wonder…

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know my career is basically over at Merit.

They clearly are never going to advance me at this point. And I hate to admit it but seeing Elias constantly promoted while I am shat on, seriously hurts… Like its painfully obvious that they don’t give a shit about me. Maybe I should contact Mucie and see what she is up to… haha. Really, is it so bad to want to be respected? Is it so bad to be ambitious? I feel like no one respects me at work. It still really hurt my feelings when they said I deserved to be fired. It was pretty clear to me that they were siding with a stupid company over their partner. The damage can probably be undone, eventually. But it is going to take such a long time. I feel like such an idiot for quitting TLC. I should have just bunkered down and pushed through.

Transcribed 2024-08-09

Fri, 09 Aug 2024 03:00:00 -0500

Will I ever feel like I am enough? probably not. It makes me so sad that it seems like everyone doesn’t trust me and is annoyed by me. I am thinking it may be better for me to just quit therapy. I am a lost cause, so why pay $100 a month hearing that? It doesn’t make sense. Just a waste of money. I am so sad… everytime it feels like things are getting better, something bad happens.

Transcribed 2024-06-24

Mon, 24 Jun 2024 03:00:00 -0500

Just got back from vacation, which was super fun. I’ll try to write the details somewhere soon, so we don’t forget. Unfortunately, the house is messy to the point that I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I’ll just do it slowly, bit by bit.

Still having nightmares about sem after all this time. I don’t know if they can even be categorized as nightmares. More just weird. You’d think I’d be over it by now. Guess not… it has been 12 years though, I guess that shows what an impact it had on me. Maybe I need to reflect on it some more.

Ugh… okay, time to work. Worst day back is the first one. I’ll try to get through it. Wish me luck

Transcribed 2024-06-05

Wed, 05 Jun 2024 03:00:00 -0500

lately i been thinkin a lot about death + suicide. i wonder if it would be better if i was dead. it would be less exhaustin for sure. alot of days lately it dont feel like its worth the fight. the fatigue is just so fukin bad.

i read online that death can be peaceful. people who have near death experiences, dont want to wake up. like, death is like wakin up from a long dream… well, we will experience it one day. maybe im scared of sufferin before death. that lack of control… i can see why euthanasia is a mercy for some people. but for someone who is just lost + tired of life? maybe not… i dunno. it’s weird to think about.

Transcribed 2024-05-30

Thu, 30 May 2024 03:00:00 -0500

i think maybe its just cuz of being the emotions releaser, but i feel like i personally always get affected by our dreams the most. i am tired of the dream where we find our old stuff that we lost over the years. that shit is gone and it aint coming back. but for some reason tryin to come to terms with that is too hard.

we keep havin health issues an its mostly annoyin cuz its upsettin elias + them. actually dealin w them is what ever. i mean i guess we dont really care about ourselves anyway

work is basically hopeless at this point. we aint gettin no promotion or ever gettin new responsibilities cuz we were honest about wantin to move depts. thought we were doin the right thing wont make that mistake again.

life seems so useless right now. had a dream about jumpin off a building. it seemed so freeing….

Transcribed 2024-05-29

Wed, 29 May 2024 03:00:00 -0500

Of course I am upset about work, but i am going to do my best to not show it. it’s a waste of time to make every one else upset about it.

Transcribed 2024-05-28

Tue, 28 May 2024 03:00:00 -0500

I want my office to be the sanctuary. I know it can be. I just need to figure out what it needs. A couch? A lamp? Wall decorations? Something ???

Transcribed 2024-05-22

Wed, 22 May 2024 03:00:00 -0500

Honestly, its a little disappointing to hear that Brittany is excluding us from opportunities because we were honest about wanting to switch departments. Disappointing, but not surprising. This is why people tend to not tell their bosses when they want to do this. We were trying to be thoughtful, but once again, as always, our honesty is fucking us over. As it goes.

Transcribed 2024-05-21

Tue, 21 May 2024 03:00:00 -0500

Guess we have a new old journal… don’t know when I think Elias gave it to us.

I’m nervous to even be writing in here, but i guess that’s the only resort we have left.

Depression is super bad right now. not sure what to do. everything seems hopeless. I think our sickness and dizziness is being caused by keeping things inside. We have gone back to our old eating disorder ways - just can’t help it. I think it is that feeling of being trapped. and not in control of anything.

but the feeling that we should at least be able to control what goes in our body. Lyn kind of encourages it too, so we are trying not to talk to her about it. It’s so unhealthy … I wish we didn’t feel the need to do stuff like this. Better than dying, I guess.

Transcribed 2024-05-20

Mon, 20 May 2024 03:00:00 -0500

Work is being so dumb. [large redacted/blacked out block of text, likely venting about work]

Anyway, guess i’ll get back to my job that I apparently am awful at. Should probably just go die or something and save the world from another fucking awful employee.

today was fine i guess

Sun, 31 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

today was fine. nothing really happened. heard that next wknd, we will need to get up early to take Phil to some church thing. not looking forward to that.

we will get our ipad tomorrow, which i am looking forward to. we don’t buy electronics very often so we always look forward to the new ones.

last week with gabby as manager too. which sucks, she is an awesome manager. we will miss her.

horses next week too. the coming months will be boring w/not much spending. but oh well.

Transcribed 2022-07-30

Fri, 29 Jul 2022 19:00:00 -0500

today was pretty good!!

i slept a lot but was able to get well rested. thank god for the weekend.

now i just have to get up tomorrow for church (for phil), but it should be okay to still rest a lot.

i ♡ weekend

Transcribed 2022-07-29

Fri, 29 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

went to kurtis' show. it was really funny except for dean. he is such an unfunny asshole. like no one wants to hear your jokes about children’s genitalia and suicide. fucker.

other than that, the day was chill. Neecie is still being a dickhead to Elias but what’s new. i hate her so much and genuinely am glad she’s not my manager, really not looking forward to being promoted if we have her annoying ass to deal with.

at least its the weekend…

Transcribed 2022-07-28

Thu, 28 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Tomorrow, we will go and see kurtis live. It sucks that he took Dean with him because Dean is a fuckboi but it can’t be helped.

Gabby made the mistake of telling me I already hit my numbers for the month, so I am going to be extra lazy tomorrow.

The assholes @ Apple delayed my iPad shipment by a week, so now I have to wait. Very unfortunate.

Nothing else going on, really.

Transcribed 2022-07-27

Wed, 27 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

today was pretty boring. we finished breaking bad which was great, but now we are bored because there’s nothing else to do. we will start better call saul soon, after we watch the brba movie which i haven’t seen yet. i hope it closes out jesse’s story more than brba did. i know the show was more about walt, but i still cared about jesse too.

the next few days will be weird for our routine. we aren’t doing horses this week on Thursday and Friday night we are going to Kurtis' show. so it will be weird.

neway good night

Transcribed 2022-07-26

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Can’t really write, i’m feeling super sick but i need to write something to keep up the routine

almost done w/ BrBa. excited to finish. Stayed up late tonight to watch extra episodes.

i think i’m sick because i didn’t feel hungry so i forgot to eat and then i ate but felt sick from it.

ugh i hope it goes away soon.

Transcribed 2022-07-25

Mon, 25 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

I started to read the total money makeover because I realized you can rent audiobooks from the library. It’s good but the guy narrating it (probably the author) is kind of a jerk? he yells a lot lmao. also, I found a bunch more books i want to try.

but in the spirit of getting my finances on track, i finally did my budget after ignoring it for months and whew… i should not have ignored it. gotta get my shit together.

at least i’m mostly out of the woods thankfully.

my friend Courtney introduced me to Be:First today. Either I won’t care or i’ll get sucked up instantly, there’s no in between… haha.

Nothing else to say except Wal Mart forgot like $50 worth of groceries so there’s that. the bastards…

Transcribed 2022-07-24

Sun, 24 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Didn’t end up going painting whoops. didn’t feel good enough even though i feel guilty for canceling on florence. i just needed to have a self-care day today.

mostly just slept, not much else to do. just got to the episode where hank confronts walt about being heisenberg and damn it was good. this show is so good.

back to work tomorrow, rip….

Transcribed 2022-07-23

Sat, 23 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Went to the cat cafe today. It was fun but thankfully none of the cats grew on me enough that I would want to adopt them.

Tomorrow, we will be seeing Florence for the first time in a few years to do her painting class. It should be fun. The only thing I’m sad about is that it’s on a Sunday night which is seriously unfortunate timing for anyone who works a 9 to 5 like we do. Still, it will be nice to see her again.

Mike died on Breaking Bad tonight ☹️ Goddamn you Walt, you fucker. He was one of the best characters. At least we get to see more of him in Better Call Saul.

Transcribed 2022-07-22

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

kind of too tired to write much. today was fine except for when i got dizzy + shaky + migraine from forgetting to eat.

gabby announced she’s quitting which sucks nuts for me, but i’m happy for her. just worried the next person is going to be micro managing + i don’t like that. anna said she’s going to let herself be fired but i think she’s just being over dramatic as usual.

apple pen came today + i can’t even use it until the ipad comes in next week :( i want an ipad! it’s been forever since i used ios.. used to love my ipod touch.

nighty XOXO ps: cat cafe tomorrow ♡♡♡

Transcribed 2022-07-21

Thu, 21 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Today, we went to ride horses. Elias almost had an asthma attack. It was probably too hot to be riding horses. Maybe we can skip next week. It is Friday tomorrow. I have two trainings that I don’t want to do. I hope they are easy.

This weekend, we will see the kitties, and paint. It will be very fun. I can’t wait.

Have a good sleep!

Transcribed 2022-07-20

Wed, 20 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

i bought an ipad today, it should come in a week. i’m surprised apple gave me 1k worth of financing, but i appreciate it haha.

if i find a way to move this journal digitally, i might end up doing that. it would probably be more efficient than this. apparently this paper is 8X11 and the ipad is 10.2 inches so it won’t be much smaller than this notebook.

i am excited for it to arrive! i will mostly use it for planning. i won’t really notice it in my budget either because im about to pay off my phone which costs more or less the same.

i got 256gb to try and future-proof it. ipads can last years if you take care of them - it will have no resale value bc i engraved my name tho hahaha not that i ever sell my electronics anyway.

Transcribed 2022-07-19

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

nothing bad going on except breaking bad is getting really good. i finally near the end of season 4 where gus gets killed. i don’t remember much about who is the antagonist in season 5 tho so it’s going to be news to me work is boring as always lots of trainings this week, but none tomorrow, just my meeting w/ gabby.

we set up a painting class with florence this weekend, so on top of the cat cafe, it’s going to be busy. im excited!

sad steve canceled his visit tho, sad that im the one who always has to make the effort. its bullshit. anyway tiktok time

Transcribed 2022-07-18

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

We took Evil and Toni to the vet today. They behaved really well, but we got annoyed because they needlessly scruffed Evil. We will tell them next time not to do that.

Other than that, not much happened. We scheduled to go to the Houston Cat Cafe this weekend. I think that will be really fun. They also allow you to adopt them. Raven said no adopting, and I said, “We’ll see” ahaha.

I can’t believe it’s only Monday. I wish it would hurry up and be the weekend again already. I have been being too lazy @ work, ugh.

Transcribed 2022-07-17

Sun, 17 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

journaled for 30 days in a row. wow haha. pretty impressive.

had a weird dream while napping. about a guy stalking and raping us. not a very good dream. how annoying.

i don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. we have a lot of training happening this coming week. boo.

too lazy to learn new things. just want to keep the status quo.

Transcribed 2022-07-16

Sat, 16 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

we had such a great time at the macabre market today… really enjoyed it…

then we went to the black bear cafe which was really good…

then we watched blackfish which showed how terrible seaworld is… i knew it was bad but didn’t know it was that bad…

then we watched the Date: 2011 c-ute and s/mileage concert… the set list was just “ok”… dawa is so good though…

that’s all…

i got @ the market:

moon ring
magical girl keychain
new shirt

Transcribed 2022-07-15

Fri, 15 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Happy bday Toni!! :)

Today I was lazy as shit. barely did anything @ work and then did nothin after work. i don’t front much anymore so I try to enjoy it while I can… by not workin hahaha

anyways I should sleep. good night

Transcribed 2022-07-14

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

i want to buy a planner but i’m trying not to spend money. ugh i try so hard to be “good” and it still feels like i’m constantly broke, anyway so like who even cares?

i went to the horses today and that was fun. even though Lacey was busy so we had a different wrangler, who took us back 15 min early, like… that’s messed up man. we paid for an hour lesson, we already didn’t make you teach us anything, but ur still going to bring us back early… wow.

anyways it can’t be helped i have a dumb training tomorrow but at least Elias is in it too.

okay hand hurts so byeee

Transcribed 2022-07-13

Wed, 13 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

today was so dumb! the water thing outside broke so i tried to fix it and i got drenched! plus on top of that, we were playing isaac using a R-key seed and after an hour into the run i accidentally took another active item and it glitches out when it’s on two player and turns it into a different item! wtf… -_-

today has just been too stressful. i hope tomorrow is better. we have horses tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up!- except that it’s record highs and has been in the hundreds and is supposed to rain… uh oh

Transcribed 2022-07-12

Tue, 12 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Nothing happened today. It was a slow and boring day. We have been having plenty of these lately. I wonder if we can find something interesting to do. Maybe we can come up with a hobby or something. Horses are a good hobby but we can only do them one time a week.

Right now we are reading the Fuck It Diet. We just finished Intuitive Eating. These books are really good. We are working on eating more normally and less diet-y. It’s easier said than done. Today we tried to not have coffee and eat breakfast instead, but we didn’t like it.

Um….. okay. I don’t have anything else to say tonight.

Transcribed 2022-07-11

Mon, 11 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Boring Monday. The only interesting thing that happened is that we are watching Breaking Bad. We just got to the part where Jesse kills Gale. Poor Jesse. He’s just trying to do the right thing, and Walt pulled him into such a bad world. I feel for him.

Other than that, nothing new. Going to go do horses on Thurs and try not to die of heat exhaustion. It’s been in the hundreds and record highs lately, which is saying quite a bit considering this is Texas!

At least our power isn’t out still… knock on wood!

Transcribed 2022-07-10

Sun, 10 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Can’t write much, power is out, 100 degree weather and a freaking storm knocked the power out. How the hell am I supposed to sleep like this??

Umami fest was very fun by the way. We bought 2 keychains and had a sweet potato corn dog from Krazy Dogs. It was very yummy.

I am going to go downstairs again, because it is too hot up here with no AC!!

Transcribed 2022-07-09

Sat, 09 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

i am too drunk to write much… watched the Date: 2019 angerme nakanishi kana grad concert… oota haruka was in it which is weir… she was only there for like five minutes before she was suspended for leaking info-… poor girl… she deserved better…

umami fest tomorrow… looking forward to it…

so drunk haha… cant… had 32oz sushi and didn’t even finish it…

sleepy time xoxo

Transcribed 2022-07-08

Fri, 08 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

I really don’t know what to write here. There’s nothing new going on, and I have the same worries I always have. It isn’t even worth chronicling the same worries as always. And nothing happened today, except that it was the last easy day from the easy week, and Monday, everything will be back to normal, which is a huge disappointment. I wish every week was as easy as this one was.

Nothing left to do but enjoy the brief weekend and the Umami Fest on Sunday.

Transcribed 2022-07-07

Thu, 07 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

just want the weekend to come already. its friday tomorrow at least. we plan to go to a festival called umamifes this weekend. should be fun. had horses today which was also, fun.

even though this was supposed to be a “light” week at work. it felt busy. if only anna would actually carry her weight. it wouldn’t be as bad. but she’s useless. as usual.

also worried about money. how will we ever afford to live. it’s a mystery.

Transcribed 2022-07-06

Wed, 06 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

ugh so annoyed at work. they need to actually correct me properly if they are going to correct me. damn it.

nothing else happened today. just took a nap and had our labs drawn. so annoying that we have to do that every 3 months.

um… yeah, i’m just in a bad mood tonight. angry at everything. what’s new.

Transcribed 2022-07-05

Tue, 05 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

had a hell of a day. couldn’t sleep all last night and when i did sleep it was just trauma nightmares.

plus i screwed up @ work, i don’t even know why they keep me w/how much i screw up. i feel bad and especially embarrassed because it’s my boss that keeps catching it, like… ugh.

talking to Raven helped a lot though. she helped a lot today. she put away the groceries and took care of the animals while i took a nap. i don’t deserve to be treated so kindly, but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

here’s to hoping for fewer nightmares and way fewer mistakes @ work before they decide i’m totally useless…

Transcribed 2022-07-04

Mon, 04 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Stupid July 4th and stupid fireworks. The only good thing about today was that we got the day off. The rest of the week is supposed to be a “bare minimum” week, but still. Notlooking forward to going in tomorrow and dealing with work. Why can’t I just be independently wealthy. Plus there are so many things to buy and so little money. I don’t know what I’ll do to survive. Sigh.

Transcribed 2022-07-03

Sun, 03 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

today was pretty boring so not much to talk about here.. just took phil to church, played a little isaac, and slept. had a headache and migraine auras all day, so didn’t really feel like doing anything else but that. also got some starbucks while waiting for phil to get out and talked to dad a little bit

need to sleep now midnight

Transcribed 2022-07-02

Sat, 02 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Got our septum pierced today. Really excited because it looks so good! Just had a really good day all together. And glad we are having a 3 day weekend and light workload week.

Steve said he will be coming down at the end of July. That is also when we are seeing Kurtis Conner live ahaha. We want to go horseback riding w/ Steve.

That’s all for today!

Transcribed 2022-07-01

Fri, 01 Jul 2022 03:00:00 -0500

got paid so i got some fish from razzo’s. i don’t think i’ll be spending much money for the next couple of months though. managed to resist buying myself a planner, which was hard. but i really can’t be spending money right now. just hope i can keep up with my finances. gas is so expensive now, it’s crazy…

Transcribed 2022-06-30

Thu, 30 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

getting paid tomorrow but already annoyed about it, because i know we will have to spend all our money right away. and can’t really indulge for several months.

At least we will get our septum pierced this wknd- looking forward to that.

Transcribed 2022-06-29

Wed, 29 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

made a mistake @ work today and gave myself the 300 lashes :(

watching breaking bad again and having fun w/ it. wish we would have had enough time to take a bath together though! :( today was super busy @ work too.. hopefully not as busy tomorrow!

Transcribed 2022-06-28

Tue, 28 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

horses were kind of disappointing today because we had a different wrangler and i had to ride blue. we didn’t get to practice trotting because i didn’t feel comfortable doing so on him. the wrangler was nice, but i just really prefer to have some normalcy. idk if it’s my autism or what but when plans change, i can get kind of pissy.

i told Elias that if her owner keeps taking shaker, on Tuesdays, we should change our ride days to Thursday. he was reluctant to agree but realized he’d been pretty lucky to always ride Wilkie so he said it’s okay if we need to change.

and ugh, one-on-one w/ gabby tomorrow.. it’s usually fine and only takes five minutes but calls make me nervous. it’s a miracle i didn’t revolt w/ the daily morning meetings @ TLC.

okay hand hurts no more writing

Transcribed 2022-06-27

Mon, 27 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Horses tomorrow. I love being on the horse but hate starting up. I hate getting on it and also waiting for the ride to start. I wish I could fall in love with the starting process, too.

Until I do, I will always be annoyed with having to drive there, waiting around. Etc.

I’m also scared of trotting, so I need more practice with that. I can’t post for shit. I’ll keep practicing and doing my best.

Transcribed 2022-06-26

Sun, 26 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

today was very sleepy. mostly just slept. what a great way to spend a sunday.

unfortunately alisia hasn’t been feeling too good today, so we didn’t really get to do much together. i hope by sleeping, she will feel better.

not ready to go back to work yet… sigh haha.

Transcribed 2022-06-25

Sat, 25 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Saturday…

criminal minds finally finished… no clue what we are going to watch next… that was 15 seasons so we have been watching it for a while…

also didn’t take adderall today… so i slept most of the day… at least it felt good to sleep… haha…

glad it’s the weekend…

Transcribed 2022-06-24

Fri, 24 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

lately i have been feeling restless and wanting to get more accomplished. i haven’t been able to start any of my hobbies back again for some reason.

still trying to get used to this new found energy. i guess.

i wish my sunburn would stop peeling too. and i’m not feeling well. tonight. feeling kind of sick? hard to describe.

i hope sleeping it off will work..

good night!!!

Transcribed 2022-06-23

Thu, 23 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

today i am so cold. i just got out of the shower oops (ah not this one too oh then it goes)

Amanda says i am journaling wrong but screw her bc Stephanie says i can journal however i like.

the irs still owes me money those bastards. sum bullshit!

tomorrow is friday. today i took it really easy today because there wasn’t much easy work. but i still hit my bare minimum. i might have to do that tomorrow too.

i finished a book about minimalism today. it was okay. kind of repetitive though.

anyway im tired zzz good night!

Transcribed 2022-06-22

Wed, 22 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Work was productive today. but i felt tired all day and slept in later than usual. i accidentally have therapy tomorrow because she scheduled us for this week instead of next week. i don’t know what to talk to her about. maybe we will come up with something.

Transcribed 2022-06-21

Tue, 21 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

today was good. we went horse back riding and did more trotting it was kind of scary, but i think with more practice, i will be less scared. i was allowed to ride shaker even though her owner was there which was really nice of them, they definitely didn’t have to let me ride her.

um not much else went on today. it was a slow easy day at work so i’m thankful. i just hope gabby doesn’t get on me about only doing OCTS and segmentation. those are just the quick, easy ones to do. i’m too lazy to do the other ones haha.

still trying to recover from vacation so i’m easily distracted at work. my sunburn is also blistering and peeling like crazy. ugh… i’ll live though…

Transcribed 2022-06-20

Mon, 20 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

I got a lot done today. I had enchiladas for dinner, but they made my stomach hurt. I want to watch Chii-chan’s grad concert some time this week.

Tomorrow is horses. I love them, but I know it will be hot. I hope it doesn’t exacerbate my sun burn. I will need to drink lots of water. My stamina is getting better, though. I am excited and I hope they have Shaker for me to ride.

Um, that’s all for now. Trying to keep up with journaling, even if it is mundane.

Transcribed 2022-06-19

Sun, 19 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

i don’t have anything to write about tonight. i don’t want to go back into work tomorrow, i am so lazy. i just want to keep being lazyyy

someone give me 10 million dollars so i can just be lazy forever please

i don’t even know why i feel this way cuz my job is super easy and i have nothing to complain about. lmao

at least i can keep listening to audiobooks while i’m working!

easy job zzzz i ♡ my life lmao

Transcribed 2022-06-18

Sat, 18 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

Today was our birthday - 32. It was very fun. We got lots of presents and they were all amazing. The cake was also very good. I’m glad we have someone who spoils us, even though we usually don’t have the money to spoil them. I will try to get them lots of stuff next year if finances allow.

Wish I could sleep in tomorrow, but it’s church day. Maybe someday Phil will learn how to drive himself…

Happy

Transcribed 2022-06-16

Thu, 16 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

i am so excited. to go to Schlitterbahn. tomorrow. i can’t wait. i’m nervous too. i don’t know how it will go. i think i will have fun. but also i will be blind. haha.

after that is. our birthday. i don’t know what Elias + Them got us. i am very curious. i’m happy for the. three day weekend. and looking forward. to the weekend.

Transcribed 2022-06-15

Wed, 15 Jun 2022 03:00:00 -0500

long time no write. i promised the therapist that i would journal so here it is. i don’t really ever know what to write about tho.

i ended up being hired @ merit as well. its pretty awesome

tonight i watched the Date: 2022 anju concert and it was really good.

um that’s all

Transcribed 2021-09-02

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 03:00:00 -0500

Update: Literally the next day, Elias got a job offer. They are very good, and I hope this place will actually appreciate them.

It’s at a place that does medical imaging, he’s going to be looking @ eyes all day. Super happy and proud of him. We went out to eat @ Cheesecake Factory to celebrate and then went to Barnes and Noble.

Couldn’t be happier or prouder of him (& them). I’m so happy.

We’ll see how the place is. It seems good because the starting wage is decent and they have good benefits. So, it should be okay.

Sloppy handwriting. Tired… good night.

Transcribed 2021-09-01

Wed, 01 Sep 2021 03:00:00 -0500

It’s going to be hard, it looks like Elias may finally be getting laid off. I think it’s a blessing in disguise though. Welocalize has proven to be the shittiest little garbage company ever created. He already has a lot of promising interviews anyway.

Curious to see how it turns out. with how slow I am to update this thing, I’ll be Christmas and long past this dilemma so hopefully I can write an update.

My job is fine. I wish it was busier. But when it is busy, I get stressed out. I should just enjoy the “downtime” while its here i guess. I’m still going to ask tomorrow if Heather has anything she wants me to be doing. Since it seems like she kinda is my manager. I just wish it were clearer.

Who knows whats going to happen next. Life keeps going, and my life is pretty good right now. I just need to call dad at some point soon, I miss him…

Transcribed 2021-06-02

Wed, 02 Jun 2021 03:00:00 -0500

Yesterday I got a raise @ work! That was nice. Last week, Phil and I went up to Fort Worth so that we could go to the potluck. It was fun.

This past weekend we decided to go no contact with the mother in law because she did something really horrible. I don’t like the way she has chosen to live her life. I think it’s pretty pathetic.

Today I had a really bad dr appt. It’s getting old to hear I’m fat. I know I am.

Anyway, that’s all.

Transcribed 2021-02-25

Thu, 25 Feb 2021 03:00:00 -0500

tomorrow is the last day @ welocalize and it’s so weird?? they offered me a position on the financial team, but i’ve had a few interviews with better fits. i had already “accepted” the position with welo and it feels kind of bad to renege but it’s my life and i need to do my best for myself. not for anyone else, especially a company that treats their employees as disposable

still, it’s weird… we have been with welo for 2 years now, so quitting seems strange. it’s the same amount of time we were @ vtg, but vtg feels longer? maybe because we switched positions but it might also have been the general hectic atmosphere of Date: 2019+Date: 2020

anyway, it’s the end of an era. honestly fuck welo as a company and fuck anyone high enough in the food chain that they enable the bullshit.

(once again too lazy to get up and get stickers)

Transcribed 2021-02-23

Tue, 23 Feb 2021 03:00:00 -0500

Today we got laid off basically without any notice?? Very weird and upsetting. We knew it was a contract position, but a group call isn’t the place to drop that info suddenly. Veronika and John were equally as confused.

I feel like such a baby for being upset by it. Especially since I have interviews tomorrow. I also feel bad that I am judging my emotions because I know they are valid. Doesn’t make me feel any less guilty though.

I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I also hate that you reading this, here, does know what happens and I don’t. Give me an update underneath this entry?

I’ll try to be grateful for what I have. I have my family + that is the most important part.

(the update written underneath the entry)

It ended up fine + we got a job pretty much right away again @ TLC.

You worry too much!!!

Transcribed 2021-02-20

Sat, 20 Feb 2021 03:00:00 -0500

this last week was absolute chaos. between trauma dates, super busy work and the winter storm it snowed a lot for texas and everyone’s power had gone out.

on the bright side, i got paid on friday and i started a latch hook. it’s a rainbow latchhook. i hope i can finish it within the next few weeks.

i am going to have an interview next wednesday for a jewelry place and i had one last week for a freelance health care position. i am just mad at localice for how terrible and busy this week has been.

hopefully we get a new better paying job sooner than later.

i’m going to bed now because my neck hurts. and i also can’t write much without my hand and arm hurting.

Transcribed 2021-02-13

Sat, 13 Feb 2021 03:00:00 -0500

today it is Saturday. it is supposed to snow tomorrow. the low is 8°! can you believe it? it’s supposed to be texas…

tomorrow is valentines day! ♡ after that is… ☹

Transcribed

Fri, 12 Feb 2021 03:00:00 -0500

hey! long time no talk. the only real big change we have is, that we got our top surgery done! yay ♡

honestly the only reason i am picking this back up is so i have an excuse to use my stickers haha. and various other stationery.

today i’m having my follow up appt for top surgery. wish me luck!! ♡

I am trying to get over my anxiety of using stickers lol

I can’t believe we have had this stupid journal for five years.

Transcribed 2020-02-13

Thu, 13 Feb 2020 03:00:00 -0500

The message written before this entry: “Tomorrow is a new day, cherish it.”

That is a much needed message. Thank you.

It’s been a long, terrible week. Good and bad, really.

I’m having trouble telling the difference between dreams, reality and hallucinations lately.

Everything is just blending together. Maybe this is a sign of too much stress. I do not know.

I am ready to turn the page to a new chapter of our life. One without Hoodoo, completely.

If only the courts would let us, that would be wonderful.

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well. We are currently -300 dollars in our bank account so if you had a bad day, at least it isn’t this bad, hopefully.

Tired. Tomorrow is a new day indeed.

Transcribed 2020-02-04

Tue, 04 Feb 2020 03:00:00 -0500

i ain’t got no day to day shit to talk about. grandma has been on our mind lately. we can’t stop thinking an dreaming about her… we keep thinking about all the good + bad. last night she came to me in a dream. i asked her if she was alive an for the first time she said, “no i am in your dream. but i’am always with you. + proud of you.”

i stared into the cabinet for a good half hour today. my thoughts started to go to the mother. i still cant figure out why we are so desperate for her validation. thats been on my mind a lot lately. feels like we did something wrong, to deserve the way she acted towards us? i know thats not right but it feels that way, especially lately.

everytime i think we prolly pushed her away it makes me overly emotional. i know rationally that wasnt the case but…

still feels like it.

we keep having these weird vivid dreams. where the emotion is so raw, it feels like being in the bathtub trying to clean the impurity off, and crying, because nothing works that raw pure sadness without any control.

things have been triggering us lately, just the other day someone at work made a joke about “fashion police” to us. i know they ain’t meant bad but that was a way the mother emotionally abused us…

feels like triggers are everywhere. we only feel safe at home. but avoiding triggers is like putting a bandaid on a wound. works temporarily but you can’t run away forever.

running away has all been we thinking about. whenever we get too close to friends we start reducing them to flaws to keep them away.

maybe we do the same with the mother? people aren’t 2d. life would be easier if they were - and less interesting.

Transcribed 2019-10-31

Thu, 31 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

Halloween was amazing. So lucky to have such good friends. And I am playing a lot of girls game.

Transcribed 2019-10-30

Wed, 30 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

This year we are making mac+cheese for the work potluck.

Transcribed 2019-10-26

Sat, 26 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

tomorrow is tool!! so excited. worth every penny even though i know we are struggling a bit for money. nothing a little crowd collect can’t solve…

too tired to write any else.

ps let this day forever be known as the day dr. evil attempted to eat an entire bag of bagels.

grateful for…

concert
today felt like a sunday
easy job
able to pay bills
got debt consolidation

Transcribed 2019-10-24

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

Missed yesterday oh well. Not my fault/problem. Today was a good day. I was super lazy at work today. It’s a Thursday so we are on the lazy side…

This weekend is tool & I am super excited!

I am also super tired. I don’t know how or why. I hope I can get into a new psych soon. I am figuring it out, but for now just sticking with Baylor, but with a different doctor. My current doctor sucks big old monkey nuts.

I am grateful that I am not in the spooky torture house :/ (ed note: I think talking about the McKenny house or whatever, probably watched a video about it)

Transcribed 2019-10-22

Tue, 22 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

grateful we could refinance my credit cards.

decided to call today and get shit done

we also have our intro appt. with legacy comm health tomorrow.

everything lookin up

restless

hopefully not manic

Transcribed 2019-10-21

Mon, 21 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

Grateful to be alive.

I don’t really know what to say here tonight. I haven’t really been in a good mood, emotionally. I am just trying to be positive. At least Dr Zwiener filled our meds. That’s another thing to be grateful for, even if she is being a butt otherwise.

Tired. Sorry for short.

Transcribed 2019-10-20

Sun, 20 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

today i am grateful for toni having a backyard… i am also grateful for our new fridge…

today toni hurt her leg and was so dramatic about it… it was funny.

today we went to heb the first time since we got our fridge… it feels good to finally get fridge food… we got a big tub of ice cream haha… even with all we bought it barely fills it up…

at least the hello fresh should actually be able to fit in there now… it’s even bigger than the one in the apartment…

any way going back to work tomorrow… so i will get to see my friends… elias get might have a hard time because they are on prozac now - or i guess raven since she is the monday alter haha…

Transcribed 2019-10-19

Sat, 19 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

today i am grateful for:

Funny new skeleman (mr bones)

good food

our fridge

we got our fridge. and can i just say it’s amazing. i love it. for the first time in my life i am looking forward to food shopping.

haha, i am very happy. we also went to the halloween store. that was really fun. i cant wait to go again next year. and maybe dress up next year.

i am not sure i have very much else to say.

Transcribed 2019-10-18

Fri, 18 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

today we finally got a full sized fridge. no more tiny fridge hell. true that it won’t be delivered until tomorrow

our first plan was to put it on credit, a brand new one for $800. then i found a really cheap working one that delivers for $350 - $80 for delivery. so we were able to avoid putting it on credit which is badass.

not much else happened today. filled meds. looking into getting a new psych/gp. you know the usual “adult” boring shit

that’s about it

today’s grateful:

fridge
car is still running
doing well at work
weight stabilized
routine is going well
prolly others i ain’t remember

Transcribed 2019-10-17

Thu, 17 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

Grateful:

Got paid
Can afford meds
Found new doctor
Job is easy
Job pays living wage
Today felt short
Fridge!!!

Not gonna lie, there was a lot of negativity today that I could write about, but I would rather stay positive. what will I be for halloween….

I am happy because of the prospect of a new doctor, I want to go to the clinic that has many doctors all in one. That would be more convenient.

Also I found a place where I can finance a fridge so I am super happy!! I already got approved and it is on sale because it has cosmetic damage. I am super happy that we will finally have a good fridge. We need it and have needed it for awhile now.

Okay we got home really late so I am going to sign off here so I can get to bed.

Overall, despite its obstacles today was a good day.

PS Elias got back on meds so he should be feeling better soon! Yay :)

Transcribed 2019-10-16

Wed, 16 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

Today I am grateful that we have enough money to support ourselves.

It was ok today. Not much noteworthy happened. The Tool concert is coming up quickly and we are excited.

This weekend we are getting new glasses (overdue) and going to the Halloween store. Alisia should be fronting so that will be fun. We are also going to the Chinese buffet.

-Noah

(later entry that day)

眠りたいなーいつもお腹がなんかいっぱい。大好きですけど、ダイエットみたいーダイエットじゃない、頑張りますなのに、終わりはちょっとダメです。じゃー今眠りますーおやすみ

-Jess ♡

Transcribed 2019-10-15

Tue, 15 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

grateful: working car, easy job, loving partner

today i woke up. work was fine. goin to draw for secret santa tomorrow. the most enjoyable thing about work is having friends there. even tho hannah has all but fallen out

went back to the gym today did the eliptical for 30 min + had a massage after. shit was good.

appetite continues to be a problem. always full.

we need to start eating more but its just so hard. we cant even weigh ourselves or track calories without triggerin ourselves. all it would say is too much weight loss + not enough food.

weird ass problem to have. well figure it out.

Transcribed 2019-10-14

Mon, 14 Oct 2019 03:00:00 -0500

Everything turned out fine. Better than fine, actually. We aren’t overeating or over spending anymore! And we are really happy in general. This is probably the best we have ever felt.

I ate so much today! I’m so full

Before Wellbutrin that wouldn’t have made me full, but here we are.

Overall life is going great. And this Friday we will actually be caught up on bills. I am super excited!

Also fuck Welocalize for giving us a 2 week unpaid vacation.

Grateful for:

Yummy food
Easy job
Good friends and family
Ability to relax
That I am only working 40 hours (rip steve)
That my meds are working!
I am losing weight without trying (185 this morning)
Raven is so amazing
I love my pets

Transcribed 2019-08-03

Sat, 03 Aug 2019 03:00:00 -0500

on friday they sent us home early because apple is trying to get its shit together

that day, we got called back about being accepted at tuckahoe

the next day we found out about stacey being terminal

too much going on right now… hard to actually think… that’s why i wanted to write… since it’s such a transition & worry period..

Transcribed 2019-07-14

Sun, 14 Jul 2019 03:00:00 -0500

we went to incredible pizza this past weekend + it was very fun. i will want to go back sometime. but it made me miss dave and busters too.

not much else going on besides what happened a few weeks ago. went from 204 lb to 196 lb in the first week. nice water weight haha.

Transcribed 2019-07-07

Sun, 07 Jul 2019 03:00:00 -0500

i am only writing in this because we are having trouble going to sleep. lots of stuff keeping me up. took a nap earlier + regretting it. because it’s now 10:30 and i have to be up at 5. thinking about how we are back on Weight Watchers. and how we are moving soon. which is nerve wracking and i hope it goes alright. future self - how was moving??

elias gave us $50 for our birthday. thinking about getting truly wireless headphones. haven’t decided.

things have been good. got a job at welocalize. both of us did.

we have some real friends now. which is nice. hannah, evanjelyn, abby + lani. they are all super cool. i think our friendship will out last this job. i mean evanjelyn is already leaving. her last day is this Friday.

anyway. i think that’s it. i’m mostly just worried about moving and the logistics of it, but i know it will get done. and probably when the next time we update we will have moved.

shitty handwriting sorry.

Transcribed 2019-04-05

Fri, 05 Apr 2019 03:00:00 -0500

Bet you thought you saw the last of me?

Today was our last day at vtg. Mixed feelings but I think (hope) we are going and doing the right thing. If not, I don’t know. Only time will tell all I do know is that environment had grown really toxic, mostly because of Jessica. Looking forward to being in a place that doesn’t have everyone at five years.

Welocalize is the new place. Hope they are good. Linguistics Tester also sounds cool on a resume. Hopefully we can move closer north because the commute will hard core suck until then.

I also think it would be super funny if vtg started falling from no itineraries.

Shouldn’t have taken for granted your best worker?

Transcribed 2018-09-10

Mon, 10 Sep 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Elias got the job he wanted.

I am going to be stupidly cold to my doctor. I really rather dislike her now so I will just have very bare politeness.

This is what I get for actually trying to improve myself. Spit in the face.

I cant wait to die tbh. Maybe in a few years when I get my debt paid off?

Transcribed 2018-07-22

Sun, 22 Jul 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Tomorrow is Steve’s birthday.

This weekend was weird RVAH was being shitty so Alex just quit. I can tell already that they are less stressed. We are less stressed as well.

I am curious to see how quick they will get a job. They are taking their time and making sure its a M-F office job, which is so much better.

We had good eats this weekend. Tomorrow is our dirt 1 year anniversary. hope tomorrow is going to be super boring. Bluh

Transcribed 2018-07-19

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Spoiler alert: I didn’t keep it more updated. I’m not sure how to start after so long. We both got on T and we got a cat. Elias is quitting his job next week. Last week he passed out and had to go to the ER.

All that besides… I will try to write about my day.

I woke up very tired. Elias has had many days off this week. My new phone, Pixel 2, came in. I dropped the auto refinance paperwork at the UPS. We are not getting misgendered at all anymore. A customer at UPS called us “that gentleman”. The brother says we grow a beard better than he does.

I wore size 12 jeans, and they were too big. Our weight is probably hovering around 180?? So long as my pants still fit, it’s mostly whatever.

Tomorrow is W2D3 of C25K. We might have to repeat week 2 because we suck. The 1:30 runs are killing us. It is very fun though.

I am going to bed now. Good night.

Transcribed 2018-04-14

Sat, 14 Apr 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Long time no write. A few things have happened. We went on vacation a few weeks ago, and it was so fun! Went to Louisiana. It was a good recharge, and I can’t wait to do it again soon.

Today we went to the Japan Festival which was also very fun. We saw Tia and ate Japanese food. We were unprepared financially, so I would like to go with more money next time.

We are getting our finances in order finally. We got a speeding ticket on the vacation (oops) that will be $200 and spending so much on vacation prompted us to start saving more. We are automating everything, so we should be able to do this!

Anyway. Too tired to write more. Hope I can remember to keep this more updated. Maybe put it in a more prominent spot?

Transcribed 2018-03-28

Wed, 28 Mar 2018 03:00:00 -0500

have not written in awhile; not sure what significant happened.

next week is week long vacation
Elias quit therapy
furniture
we got a haircut
decided to try to maintain weight for awhile
divorce happening - soonish??

that’s all i can think of right now - i’m tired so i don’t want to go into too much detail

we have so much in our lives to do

just looking forward to vacation, finally

so exhausted…

Transcribed 2018-03-16

Fri, 16 Mar 2018 03:00:00 -0500

this week was kinda average. gettin to know lea more which is nice. seems like a nice person.

gonna move all the shit around cuz we got furniture from the family. hirin movers so we dont gotta move the couch ourselves. aint sure what we gonna do bout the old couch.

i know elias + them feel bad about the move. just wish i could do more to help.

anyways can’t think of anything else

Transcribed 2018-03-11

Sun, 11 Mar 2018 03:00:00 -0500

today we went to see game night but ended up seein black panther instead cuz game night was messed up. it was good anyways.

aint wantin to go back to work cuz had a 3 day weekend but whatever. we will figure it out when we fukin get back

hit 191 for our weight + hopefully that shit will fukin have us satisfied for a few weeks. hopin to be around ~187 by the end of march

we tried the rowing machine and we are gonna try to incorporate that one more cuz its fun. more fun then the elliptical.

we bought new workout clothes + we are fukin size medium suck that universe

Transcribed 2018-03-04

Sun, 04 Mar 2018 03:00:00 -0500

So sick & tired of myself, like, stupid bitch, do you ever stop & think about anyone but yourself? And you have the nerve to wonder why no one wants to be around you? Maybe its because yours a stupid selfish fucking bratty bitch? Ever think about that?

God I am so disgusted and disgusting lmao!! The day that I finally get the courage to off myself is the day that all of humanity recovers from whatever bullshit my life has put them through.

Really, I am really sorry that I’m so selfish that I continue to live. I know the world would be so much better off without me & there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not fully aware of that.

I’m just really sorry that I haven’t had the courage to kill myself properly yet. I will do it soon, I promise. My tolerance for the pain is going away, so …

I’m sorry.

Transcribed 2018-03-03

Sat, 03 Mar 2018 03:00:00 -0500

I am my alters.

Why do I pretend?

I have no trauma.

Richard is me.

Anastasia is me.

They are all just me.

Delusional bitch.

Mom was right.

Unloveable.

Transcribed 2018-03-01

Thu, 01 Mar 2018 03:00:00 -0500

I wish we weren’t on rocky waters with literally everything. We have been in serious “push everyone away” mode & grumpy about it to boot. Getting into arguments for no reason, trying to isolate, etc.

I think it’s because we have been in the apartment officially, one year. Has us stir crazy & trying to sabotage. However, we will be going on a trip for a week soon and hopefully that will reset our brain.

Also, we are 192 lbs now. Can’t really talk about it with anyone so I will talk here. Proud but also worried we go overboard with not eating. Trying to find a balance.

At least we will finally reach our goal @ the end of the year-ish.

Transcribed 2018-02-25

Sun, 25 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

10% raise @ my job yay!
someone merged into me and scratched my car, boo
down to 195/broke plateau yay!
work party was talking about spanking and turned into group therapy, boo!

anyway, i have been super consistent w/ working out + i think i deserve a damn medal. i’ve been super consistent about journaling too actually. in fact i have been getting into a routine which feels as awesome as it does weird! it helps so much & i actually feel like my life is finally getting stable which is awesome & scary lol

Anyway! Bedtime

Transcribed 2018-02-23

Fri, 23 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Dear diary

Hi I am pretty shitfaced how are you? I hope you’re doin pretty good too. Yr great

Transcribed 2018-02-20

Tue, 20 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

today sure was a day. tons of good news, tons of stress. found out that elias' family is moving which is stress, but got a 10% raise which is good. enclosing the review papers.

i stress ate like an entire small dominos' pizza and still only ended up 600 over and still under my tdee plus i undereate yesterday so its fine. mostly just frustrating to think my emotional eating isn’t over yet. thought i was done with that.

anyway ttyl

Transcribed 2018-02-19

Mon, 19 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

organize. organize memory

here - emotion there - separate,

then forget - try to

forget - hope you don’t

remember - no sleep

rest mechanical robot

everything is the exact

same as much as it is

different - trauma

the same feelings about

rollerskating in the basement

while its dark as having a

gum pointed in our face

no feelings no gathering

no judging

sort

Transcribed 2018-02-17

Sat, 17 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Size fucking 12!!!

Don’t look now but I am in a size 12! And I bought underwear at a large and its a little too big for me!!

I’m a “medium” in underwear? What the hell??

The scale told me 198.0 this morning but judging from my waist size most of that is water weight (probably retained from exercise)

Size 12 tho?!! I’m back into normal jeans and I don’t feel weird about it?!

I need to tell the world, I am so excited.

Plus, I should be back in the 180s by the end of March!

Holy cow I’m happy!

Transcribed 2018-02-15

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

review delayed ‘til next week. raise heavily implied. feelin less anxious bout it now.

don’t want to talk about nothin else. feel like shit. what’s new.

Transcribed 2018-02-14

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Dear Universe, can tomorrow just be over with already? Cranked my Anxiety Meds up to 1.5 as per the doctors orders and it couldn’t be happening on a better night because I’m so worried about the yearly review trauma date one-two punch tomorrow.

Today, however, was lovely. Spent the day with my wife and cooked chili in the Instant Pot. It turned out great. I did, however, accidentally spill water on my wireless headphones and shorted them out. Ah, well. Another one bites the dust.

“(Operation) Day 3 of Consecutive Exercise” went well. Knee started to flare up so jumped on the bike and instantly remembered how much we loved it, so going to do that instead of walking / running. Wanting to ease up to 45 min of biking per day. Really, if I can do that, then I have no excuse not to bike to work even when it’s hot. Sometimes it’s even faster than driving.

Ate an obscene amount of chocolate, but still stayed under my caloric limit. Plus, it doesn’t happen often. Lose It! has a great database.

Transcribed 2018-02-13

Tue, 13 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

my back hurts. apparently we are starting this crazy strict workout plan, now that we are settled in. it’s probably a good thing to have something to focus our energy on.

We are going to have our yearly review in a few days, just wish we could get that over with lmao. nothing like being anxious for two months for essentially no reason.

honestly, i’m surprised we have kept up this journal streak for this long. Maybe we are becoming creatures of habit? lmao yeah right.

Also we made up w/ Katie but we are still feeling wary around her. Will probly take a minute to calm down.

Transcribed 2018-02-12

Mon, 12 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

This is the week that never ends. Jesus. The review looms closer. Just Wednesday to get through, then the review. Super unfortunate that it’s so slow @ work right now, hard to prove that we have made progress. My biggest worry is that we are going to get lots of criticism, which we can’t really take on such a big trauma date.

Why did we have to get hired on this date in particular?! Crazy unlucky.

Diet/exercise going well. Trying to take advantage of the sudden burst of energy while we still have it.

Current workout goals / Fitness goals:

Consistently under 1300/day (average)
Elliptical 45 min.
Run 45 min.
Bodypump twice a week with Elias

We are slowly raising our Elliptical 30 seconds a day. Will do C25K soon. And Bodypump on Wednesdays + Fridays.

Have to sign up again to Les Mills On Demand to get Bodypump, but. At least we already have the equipment and a built in partner.

Anyway! Until later

Transcribed 2018-02-11

Sun, 11 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Couldn’t write yesterday; went to the museum with Phillip + Elias + Florence’s family, but Richard got shitfaced last night so he couldn’t write. The museum was really fun. The memories will last forever. I want to go back soon.

Upset because we essentially lost Katie as a friend today. She decided to tell Mari that we were avoiding her, essentially. Which is bullshit. We don’t really know how to handle the situation except start avoiding all together which is what we were doing anyway, really. It just sucks that we lost pretty much the only person outside of Elias that we felt we could really trust. It goes along with our 1-year mark, doesn’t it? Throw things away. Set them on fire. Sometimes things get rid of themselves. Fucking good!

I don’t know what to do. Feels like everything is crumbling around me. All I can do is watch while everything burns. And, the sickest part about it is, I like it. I hope we lose everyone + everything and we would have no one to blame but ourselves.

Stupid bitch.

Transcribed 2018-02-09

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Our good luck strikes again. after thinking about calling in today, we got to go home at noon because some guy broke our power. glad because we are going with florence + her family to the science museum tomorrow also taking phillip

The doctor upped our lexapro, to 1.5 dosage. we will probably fill the other one first though so we don’t waste a refill. we weren’t able to go get them refilled today because of the going home early

canceled USPS box + got a UPS one instead… can already see they are better suited to our needs

going to go shopping sunday to get stuff to put in our new instant pot… we have a serious surplus of money - which is making us not want to spend it… we need a new couch though but we also want a nintendo switch hahaha

Transcribed 2018-02-08

Thu, 08 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

Guess who is not reading that previous page? This guy

I accidentally took a day off today bc I was supposed to work 7-3 but I slept in until 8 anyway but its probably good bc I havent had a day off in months

called in sick and Jessica let me use vacation day without any issues

I’m overwhelmed with the possibility of things I could do today. I’ll probably just take a nap. That might be a waste tho???

anyway I fulfilled the required journal entry of the day

BTW I’m going to the doctor today to get my Lexapro dosage higher. It’s working but not as well as it could be in my opinion.

Transcribed 2018-02-06

Tue, 06 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

i aint knowin what to write in this fukin thing but i know we are tryna get in the habit a writin almost fuked up my style gotta stay cool n hip

this is stupid to got to write in here when i aint know what to write hahaha

sorry i guess i got a one track mind especially at the moment cuz i got some fuker tryna play grab ass while i’m tryna get my thoughts down here

ok maybe not i can write again or

aight i gotta write quick but i dont know what to write

ok i wrote some thing

no one cares

Transcribed 2018-02-05

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 03:00:00 -0500

I am going to try journaling again. This may be the only entry before a 50 month hiatus, but.

I really want to throw this old thing away. So many bad memories. But we can’t just throw away our bad memories. We have to embrace our past selves, however imperfect, and accept that they, too, were once a part of us.

Feb is here. Feb 15th will be my one year job anniversary. Go me! Well, go us, really. We have survived a year @ a job, a feat we have never accomplished before. And at age 27, it’s long overdue. I am anxious about the review and potential raise, but we will see what happens.

We are on Lexapro and it is helping. The dosage just needs to be cranked up.

Lost 30 pounds and have largely kept it off, but our weight is creeping back on again. Will try to adjust diet before it becomes a problem.

Richard (the guy, not the alter) died last (Date: 2017) December. Haven’t really emotionally dealt with that yet.

Hope we don’t have nightmares again tonight. They are getting old.

Hand hurts. Signing off.

…

I lied, I have more to write. I reread our past entries, and I am glad we have kept the journal as long as we have. It provides some insight and contrast. If we can journal more consistently, it would be even more helpful.

Therapy might be a thing again soon. Elias got a raise, but it won’t be enough to fully cover it. Always using money as an excuse. We can afford a $420 bill for a steakhouse, but can’t afford therapy? Come off it.

Really, I am just scared. We all are. But we have to stop spinning our wheels. Our medications work, we have the finances, our external life is stable. What other excuses do we have? We have none. It’s pathetic.

Would it be a conflict of interest to just steal Elias' therapist? Might be something to talk to them about.

Okay hand is actually tired & so am I.

Good night

Transcribed 2017-08-30

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 03:00:00 -0500

I’m using the hosts handwriting for anonymity.

Many months have passed since this has been updated, and I don’t think it matters. Life updates don’t mean anything. A dog. Weight Watchers. A hurricane. Nothing important. Things to pass the time. Nothing more or less.

I feel so tired and maybe stuck in some perverse cycle of remembering and forgetting. I wish I was blessed enough to just forget and not remember. The flashbacks are getting tiring in a way they never were before. There is too much and too little detail all at the same time. Sensory things with no emotions and all emotions attached at the same time - some weird paradox that is an exhausting loop. I wish I had the brother’s ability to just forget, but I guess that comes with a complimentary drinking problem, and life in a confusing blur of emotions that are even more unprocessed than ours somehow

The idea of going to therapy again seems like a huge waste of time & money. There is nothing a therapist can do or say that we haven’t already heard or done ourselves a hundred thousand times. We don’t have the type of money that therapy demands anyway. Seems like a waste any way you slice it.

I don’t want to think about the past anymore. I wish I could kill Tim or at least know when he dies to get some kind of closure.

But there’s no rest for the wicked and no happy endings to stories like that. You get older and try not to let it consume you. Which is way easier said than done. It was way easier when we could block it all out with narcotics too. But I guess we don’t get those anymore, except the ones prescribed by the good doctor.

I just need to… I don’t know. Not go to therapy. Throw me down a well, maybe. I don’t know why it felt like such a betrayal when he started targeting us. I guess I figured we were on a team, somehow. That is a weird thing to admit and think. I know it was his game to divide and conquer and I knew it then too, but it still effected us. Some days, I still feel like I’m on his team. I wish I didn’t. I don’t know how to stop sympathizing and empathizing with the man who destroyed me

No one can fix that

No one can fix me

So just leave me alone

I don’t want your help, therapist

Transcribed 2017-04-15

Sat, 15 Apr 2017 03:00:00 -0500

i am worried about Easter – but personally..

i am worried about my libido lately – it has been much higher than i am used to which would be fine except it is really distracting and comes with a lot of unfamiliar emotions

i feel so self negative and dirty and guilty – it doesn’t feel like who i should be personally or as a protector – it isn’t directly useful towards anything

maybe what’s worse is it is personally making me feel bad as an individual – like i am a bad person

i like romance and even the idea of sex so why do i keep getting intrusive thoughts? most of them are me being deathly afraid i am going to force myself onto someone or be out of control of myself because of my libido

i start getting uneasy around others when they turn me on – i don’t want to hurt anyone so i get scared and run away to shower so maybe i can take care of it

these fears are slowly killing me

i just want to be normal.

Transcribed 2017-04-13

Thu, 13 Apr 2017 03:00:00 -0500

I have a confession to make: I am a self-sabotager. It’s probably not much of a confession as people who know me already probably know this pretty well. I’m more confessing to myself.

I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid that it will come with more responsibility, which I never feel competent taking on, even if I (rationally) am. I’m afraid if I don’t flawlessly master where I am at now, I’m not ready to move on. I know that’s not the case, but. Convincing emotions is difficult.

I’m also (still) afraid of being perceived as imperfect. If I can perfect my stagnancy, sometimes that feels better than pushing forward.

This all stems from a fear of abandonment. A fear of taking on more responsibility, failing, and letting someone down. Showing my flaws and disappointing them, then pushing them away.

Being vulnerable is trusting the other person not to leave. I have made a lot of progress in that area, but. It still needs so much work.

… But I am afraid of moving forward. Thus the cycle begins again.

I am pushing past. It is a constantly tiring thing, but worth it.

Transcribed 2017-04-12

Wed, 12 Apr 2017 03:00:00 -0500

Brief timeline of last months:

august 2016 – Visit #1 with Elias, 3 weeks
september 2016 –Kelci breakup
october 2016 – end of oct is visit #2 w/Elias (lasted a month, into Nov)
december 2016 – end of dec, moved in w/Elias
january 2017 – move to TX - airbnb
february 2017 – 2 weeks @ Elias’ parents, started working at VTG
march 2017 – got our own apartment. car broke down
april 2017 – today

i am not qualified to talk about the breakup or ramifications of it so i will talk about Date: 2017

we drove to texas on a wing and a prayer to stay in an airbnb. most of our savings went towards that. we pushed hard to find a job and a few days before we had to leave the airbnb we got hired at vacations to go… we had a job offer at another place that we turned down… first time ever turning down a job and even started at a place for medical transcription and only lasted a day

best salary to start so far - 30k

vtg is an amazing job… stressful at times… but by far the best we have ever had… we lived with the parents for a few weeks - our car couldn’t stand it and neither could we…our intuition was so strong that we moved to our new place on wednesday and our car broke down the next day…

things have been settling since then… the system has been freaking out because we all know we are finally “home”… and that stirs up emotions for everyone…

we are entering the best years of our lives… i can tell… and that is scary to some… persecutors especially…

i personally am excited and i know this is well deserved … and well earned … hard earned stability with blood, sweat, and tears…

= dates off note: =

Date: 2016/1/2 = gatekeepers' anniversary
Date: 2017/1/30 = hosts' anniversary
Date: 2016/11/15 = gatekeepers' “technical” anniversary

there is too much else to write so i will let the others write more later

we are just focusing on getting our lives started… and sowing the fruits of so much labor

Transcribed 2016-07-04

Mon, 04 Jul 2016 03:00:00 -0500

I don’t know if I stand for anything now. I don’t know if I ever did. I don’t know anything any more.

I am tired of being evaluated, scrutinized, by people who don’t know me. I am tired of the friends whom have fallen by the wayside… those who claim to know me… showing they know me less than strangers, even.

I am tired of ignorance, proliferated by a desire to understand, but a lack of willingness to shut up and listen. “Willful ignorance” counts as such even if it isn’t active.

I am mostly tired of myself. Being hypercritical because the one not meeting my standards the most is simply me.

Is there anyone out there I can speak this to? Will I forever be burdened to hold onto my true emotions like they are the world’s most dangerous secret?

I have people I trust. I have my lovely Raven. So why do I feel the need to hide away like this?

I am tired.

Transcribed 2016-06-20

Mon, 20 Jun 2016 03:00:00 -0500

Still alive.

We quit our job and our birthday passed with very little fuss. We quit because people were being disrespectful of our PTSD. Things are tighter financially, but Amazon MTurk is filling in the gaps.

We got the bike fixed, so we can ride wherever. It is much better than walking. Someone walked 8 miles the other day, and we are still physically recovering.

We moved into a new place. It is in Riverside. It is much better than the father’s.

It has been a really long month, and I don’t know what else to say about it. There have been some good things and some bad.

The host is around more often, for the better as well. There are bad things about it but mostly it’s a good thing.

I can’t believe how positive I have been in this entry. How. Why.

Transcribed 2016-05-21

Sat, 21 May 2016 03:00:00 -0500

It’s so hard to keep this stupid thing updated.

There was a new girl hired at work. Not sure how I feel. She seems very stuck up and inappropriately know-it-all even on the first week, so glad I am not having to deal with her.

Also, consequently, I’ve been having my hours cut. It’s that or help the downstairs lab. And I will help them over my dead body. Eric is horrible. The lot of them are horrible.

I have been talking to Raven on the mic every day lately and I have to say, it has been quite a pleasure! I don’t ever want things to be any different than they are right now. Things are great.

I should not say that because then it will disappear, but the sentiment comes across anyway.

Too tired to keep writing. Until later

Transcribed 2016-05-10

Tue, 10 May 2016 03:00:00 -0500

It’s been months since an update and I think that is because this has been shoved in a drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

News:

Got a job 02/12/2016
Moving soon
Closer to Raven than ever (I think I’m in love?)
Bought several items (New phone, xbone, etc)

That’s about it. Emotionally, of course, there are new things to report. I can’t really remember them all, though. A few days ago was Mother’s Day which is always hard, but harder this year… Ended up finally doing the 24 hrs voice call with Raven though. Feeling pretty accomplished about that, honestly.

Other than that - not much news. Have been cleaning, trying to pair down what we will need to move with. Not wanting to use the father’s place as a storage unit, and they will be better used by someone else if we donate them, anyway. Not much use collecting dust.

Other than that, I will attempt to leave this in sight so we can remember to write in it. Or at least, I will.

Transcribed 2016-02-02

Tue, 02 Feb 2016 03:00:00 -0500

Finally got a chance to catch up with Raven last night over voice chat. It was a bit shorter than usual- around 6 hrs- because the body started to fall to sleep, but that isn’t unusual by any means.

She’s not doing great, but what can be expected? Things have been incredibly hard on us both.

In other news, sleep schedule is fucked again. It was okay for a week but proved to not be totally fixed- went to bed around 9am and woke around 6pm. Which is going to be a problem with the spouse working 6am - 6pm for a few weeks. Truly, the only recourse is to stay up a long time and try to fix it.

Being vegan sucks, but it also has its benefits. We are currently 213 lbs, and dropping rapidly. It’s only a matter of time before we hit 130 like the host originally planned.

It’s going to be so hilarious when the host comes back and he’s miraculously 170 or something, in a few months. Ahahaha.

Transcribed 2016-02-01

Mon, 01 Feb 2016 03:00:00 -0500

If everyone could stop fucking up externally and making everything so difficult in the system, that would be wonderful. Had to skip therapy due to a system meltdown largely caused by the spouse having a meltdown due to keys being lost.

My patience is at negative levels right now! I don’t even know how to put these into words.

I got Raven a Valentine’s Day present. Turns out her absence was half to do with a Skype issue. Which honestly leaves me quite relieved I know she has trouble expressing her feelings through words, but the fact that she has been going out of her way to check on me once the Skype situation was resolved tells me that she does care.

Also sorry my handwriting is so awkward, I’m writing without a surface so it’s coming off quite strangely.

I’m so embarrassed when I read what I wrote yesterday. Such an overreaction … and for what?! A misunderstanding. Glad I kept it sequestered here at least.

Maybe I could ask Richard to burn this book too, ahahaha.

Transcribed 2016-01-31

Sun, 31 Jan 2016 03:00:00 -0500

Is it inherently co-dependent to miss a friend? Raven hasn’t been around for around 4 days now. My mood has gotten worse and worse. It may also have something to do with the fact that we’ve not been eating properly, but.

I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t become co-dependent. On Wednesday, I even told her specifically that I would understand if she wasn’t around for a few days. But I’m starting to realize what a huge hole is left when she is not around. Days melt into each other and seem wholly useless, and I am left with too many system issues and personal issues left unshared, and I feel repressed and disgusted.

I don’t blame anyone but myself for this. I should know better than to rely on anyone for those particular things. The only person I can rely on is myself. There is no one on this planet who is so reliable that they will be there for me no matter the day nor hour. And I shouldn’t expect anyone to be on call 24/7, but. 4 days seems like a century.

I’m tired of stalking the internet when I’m not even in the mood to be online, just so I can be available as much as possible. Not fronting much means I want to be available when I can, but this is too much. Time to let someone else front for a few days. Fuck it.

Transcribed 2016-01-29

Fri, 29 Jan 2016 03:00:00 -0500

Therapy is going well. Need to talk to therapist about new alter. She is making life incredibly difficult by not eating anything but shakes and nuts.

Got a multivitamin to try to make up for it. Spending is slightly less erratic with a schedule, but still not to any sort of state where we have any savings.

We did, however, open up a savings account to throw any extra money into. It’s becoming vitally important to save, particularly when LMC is being dumb and greedy.

Hoping that we will have that settled with a therapists' note, but knowing LMC, that won’t be enough.

Best to just start saving up the $1800 now so when the government comes knocking, it won’t significantly impact any sort of budget.

YNAB is saving our asses.

Transcribed 2016-01-19

Tue, 19 Jan 2016 03:00:00 -0500

host didn’t kill us thank god.

aint really much to say outside of that.

shit is tiring and i’m tired. i haven’t slept in a minute

rescheduled therapy for next monday.

dad got $0.75 an hour raise so i got a huge steak

fixin external shit.

spouse issues have been resolved or at least brought up to them.

Transcribed 2016-01-14

Thu, 14 Jan 2016 03:00:00 -0500

hey yall, been awhile since i got a chance to update this thing. only really doing it now cuz i dont got nothing else to do and shit needs to be said.

therapy went fine just basic questions tho i got the feeling shit is gonna get real ugly real fast.

spouse has new job so money should be less tight…

system wise shit is hitting the fan faster than a frog on a log or some shit. gatekeeper dealing with new memories + all of us are having a hard time adjusting still.

anyways i got a new watch. the fucker is pink unfortunately but i’ll live. it tells the time so it’s not like i can ask for much more.

got to get used to “releasing” destroying feels different now. not that i don’t still love it

later fuckers

Transcribed 2016-01-12

Tue, 12 Jan 2016 03:00:00 -0500

hey there, I haven’t gotten a chance to write in this yet. So I decided to write in it while I get the chance.

things have been sooo… crazy!!! Anastasia isn’t feeling good so the whole system broke today!

oops I need 2 lines lol. sorry!

so anyways, there’s so much messing up now, it’s scary!

i’m talking to natalie and she is so cute + nice!! I love talking to her I want a kid sooo bad, but I guess this is the closest I will ever get… buuut 大丈夫, LOL

ttyl!

Transcribed 2016-01-06

Wed, 06 Jan 2016 03:00:00 -0500

honestly i feel disgusting. im tired of my life being ruined. im completely fucking done with this i swear to god.

i just want to die, i don’t want to go on like this any longer. i just want to put a bullet thru my head or something because this is getting to be too much for me.

there is nothing more disorienting than coming back and the kid was talking to one of my friends for two fucking hours and the little mermaid is playing.

out of everything that’s happened thus far, somehow this is the most disorienting yet. i don’t know why. maybe because i’ve spent most of my life avoiding childish shit only to constantly have it shoved in my face now.

hoodoo put a disgusting picture of me on the fridge, good. hopefully it will keep us from indulging and we can finally lose some weight, especially before elias’ visit…

he shouldn’t have to see me like this.

i want to die. fuck.

Transcribed 2016-01-05

Tue, 05 Jan 2016 03:00:00 -0500

The spouse got a new job. They have to wait for the drug test to be processed, so it may take a few days to fully see exactly the details. It is full time at the very least, which takes away plenty of the financial worries that were abound.

The only real worry now is that there will most likely be a gap in paycheck due to the new job holding back a week. And right when we need it too starting therapy and Best Friend Birthday at the end of the month.

We will have to buy gifts with this pay check simply because waiting until the 22nd will be too risky, we wouldn’t get the gifts out on time. We are already cutting it close as it is; if we purchase gifts next Monday, then send them out the following week, most likely they will arrive right on time.

Being friends with a system definitely makes gift holidays more awkward and expensive. Though, alters generally don’t want material goods so much, I am too selfish to not give Raven a gift that will benefit us both.

Transcribed 2016-01-04

Mon, 04 Jan 2016 03:00:00 -0500

god i am tired of being tired which probably seems like a paradox. strange that i’m back around more and more often. guess things are settling down.

i could complain about a million things, but honestly i don’t even have the energy to do so.

since i have been gone for a month, everything has changed. and as usual, i just get really truncated versions of what happened and trying to dig up memories is working about as well as it ever does.

hoodos has a job interview tomorrow which is exciting. maybe i’ll get to celebrate with them at some point if i’m around in a timely manner.

will have to choose a present for elias + that’s about it i’m guessing considering our finances…

i don’t feel like i have an identity anymore.

going to bed- have been up around 2 hrs. pathetic

Transcribed 2016-01-02

Sat, 02 Jan 2016 03:00:00 -0500

I am not very big on writing in journals, but Richard is, so I wanted to get him a nice one rather than the one he chose to burn.

I will have to transfer over the system list at some point as well, or at the very least, have an insert of such. Digital copies are nice, but physical copies are more satisfying.

Also need to journal regularly to keep the host up to date on important events.

Noah has been a pain in the ass. He is in bubble land until I figure out what to do with him. Just generally causing system havoc.

Went to family reunion today - a few pictures were taken - asked Aunt Denise to put them on Facebook - Played Apples to Apples with 1st cousins and aunts/uncles. Tyler got drunk which was obnoxious, but it only truly became unbearable when the extended family arrived. Left at that point.

Don’t think we will be visiting Chris tomorrow, as he hasn’t gotten back with us. Hoo has a job interview next Tuesday, then therapy - first session - a week after that.

Very “busy”. Wonder when the father will inquire about school, or if he even cares. His apathy seems to know no bounds.

Transcribed 2000-10-21

Sat, 21 Oct 2000 03:00:00 -0500

Today, it Sweetest day. Steven sure isn’t sweet to me though.

Transcribed 2000-08-01

Tue, 01 Aug 2000 03:00:00 -0500

3 WORDS: I need glasses.

I’m far sighted

I got leopard glasses.

Transcribed 2000-07-31

Sun, 30 Jul 2000 19:00:00 -0500

I dislike Steven. He and John took all the (ed note: hard to read what is written here. “jokes”?) It isn’t fair! I don’t care!

Transcribed 2000-07-30

Sun, 30 Jul 2000 03:00:00 -0500

I missed a few days and I’m sorry that I did.

Transcribed 2000-07-29

Sat, 29 Jul 2000 03:00:00 -0500

Seince my grandmother Peggy has passed away, I took this journel & the pocket blessings that were with it. I am still in shock and sorrow for Grandma Peggy passing away. I loved her alot and I am very thankful for the years that I have had with her. My grandmother was one of true blessings I have had in my life. Like my dad says “People Sorrow In Diffrent Ways.” I wright my feelings & sorrow through paper. I loved her & still do. It was one of the greatest loses of my life so far. The funeral was very sad! I’m poreing all my feeling on paper right now so only my (1) Dad, (2) Brother, (3) Mom, & I can read this. Bye 4 now

Transcribed 2000-07-25

Tue, 25 Jul 2000 03:00:00 -0500

I went to Greenfield Village 2 days ago and it was so fun! We rode the train first thing. I loved it. Greenfield Village was so fun!

Transcribed 2000-07-20

Thu, 20 Jul 2000 03:00:00 -0500

Today, I’m going to Greenfield Village with my Grandma Stasik. I think it’s going to be fun! We go at 1:00. I will wear my new clothes. I am going to bring my book & a pad of paper with markers. When we get there, we (hopefully) will ride a train. I hope we have fun at Greenfield Village (with my grandma) today!