needing.space

Blog Move

Wed, 01 Jul 2026 02:16:00 -0500

Finally, got onto a decent blog structure. Of course, there’s still a lot left here to be desired. For example, I wish it showed the time, so it was more obvious that I am up doing this on my phone terminal at 2am. ah well.

Finally registered for classes again. Didn’t think we would ever go back to college, but here we are. On top of that, tomorrow is our first day taking live calls at CSD. Just a lot happening. I hope things settle into normalcy soon.

About

Wed, 01 Jul 2026 02:05:00 -0500

some kind of blog.

if something is tagged with an alter name from our system, theyre the author unless talked about in the entry.

a lot happened

Mon, 22 Jun 2026 12:00:00 -0500

so a lot has happened. just... haven't even had the energy to write about all of it.

covid and then the CPR/elias dying thing. (we got covid from the bday celebration mentioned in the last post...)
quitting volunteer work subsequently.
the whole "kinetic d2d" arc.
now a few weeks into the csd job and wanting to go back to school.

there's so much that was going on, and i just haven't... had the energy. i know it's a lot to not write about. maybe it's harder to write about the difficult stuff. i don't know. maybe i'll have the energy to write about it someday. but also maybe some things are better left unsaid. i don't know.

elias bday celebration

Sat, 07 Feb 2026 11:00:00 -0600

today was so fun! we went to round 1 in the grapevine mall. lots of claw machines (I even won them a little cinnamoroll dressed as kuromi) and lots of rhythm games. then we walked around the mall, then went to Japan house which has high quality all you can eat sushi for a very reasonable price ($33/person). it was very very fun today.

well, I hope I can get over feeling so anxious about my job. I quit the BHU due to some stuff I won't go into here. we are going to go back to school and deciding what for. looking into potentially a MA and/or PhD in forensic psychology...

new volunteer position!!!

Wed, 14 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

so on Tuesday (yesterday), i had orientation at the new hospital i'm working at. i stopped by the gift shop for a drink. i had already been thinking about volunteering at the hospital - they have an organization called Sunshine Guild and i really wanted to volunteer but i didn't know who to go to about more information. they were supposed to show us the gift shop and volunteer opportunities during orientation day but sadly it was closed for the day bc orientation ran so late!

second day at job thoughts

Tue, 13 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

I'm starting to think the nurse thing is an age issue. the younger nurses seem to be little jerks and the older nurses seem to have enough wisdom to not be little jerks. but yeah lots of "them being little jerk" moments to me today which I won't get into yeesh.

i also learned today that the main part of the hospital has a bad reputation - apparently stuff happened 20-30 years ago and in a small community like this people just… you know. I don't know about BHU though.

first day working at the hospital

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

man... today was a LOT. this week they have orientation for the new hospital i'm working at. i got a job as a mental health technician which i am really looking forward to. the first few days are 8-4 basically just "classroom", like today was the "everyone talks at you and does PPT stuff" day and tomorrow is the "thousands of computer modules" day. then later in the week they literally give me combat training to figure out how to defend myself i guess? and restraining too if i need to.

chaos

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

today was so chaotic

2 hours of sleep
wake up at 7:30am
40min drive to New workplace
piss test number 1 at new workplace/pre employment
inform employer im on a stimulant for ADHD that might come back positive, they say they don’t care
pre employment paperwork
blood work to prove I had childhood vaccinations for work, had to take from both arms
drive back home 40min
fight with removing old visor and installing new one in car, an especially difficult task
find that my BFF and Elias both had late gifts for me that came in - cute purse and loose legos
put external hard drive files to transfer to server
drive Elias & I to new psych - 1hr10min
do more new hire paperwork from phone including background check stuff, put in my GED and not my college
drive to Walmart to buy a small desk at Walmart for the computer in living room (only about 5min)
hurry and drive back for my own appointment
piss test number 2 (yes probably first and last piss test combo during one day for different people) because psych/stimulants
talk to doctor
go out for kaitenzushi sushi to relax and celebrate job - 1.5hr drive
realize that background check probably wanted my college even though job only requires/asks for GED, just so it matches my resume on file
look at transcript, realize my moronic old college fucked up my transfer and background check will likely come back as degree unearned
send a text to HR giving them a heads up/explaining situation
spend the rest of night being anxious about it
go to claw machine only arcade
win a kuromi plushie
drive back home, 2hr drive
surprisingly got home in one piece despite multiple people trying to cause crashes likely because it’s the night before New Year’s Eve
the download/transfer didn’t work because it paused on transferring… a virus? for some reason I backed up quarantined viruses from 2016 on my external I need to delete them hahaha
still dwelling on anxiety, put together desk for distraction
realize I got an email an hour after the first email, saying I had passed background check… less anxious but still somewhat anxious
look up rules on how to fix it and get my degree awarded/sent
update brother and friends podcast website
work on transcribing some old journals
realize I have therapy tomorrow, worlds largest sigh
veg out in front of TV until 2:30am

and yes that means I drove almost 6 hours today

depression and isolation

Sat, 27 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

on the bright side for the people around me, when I get depressed I am super low maintenance meaning that I rly don’t ask for much of… anything, no socialization, no extras, I’m essentially the pet rock version of a friend. on the other hand that means I don’t even really have the energy to take care of myself or important things in my life so that sucks.

I honestly don’t even know if people realize that I’m socially isolating ngl. I think people are so damn used to me being the one to initiate anything social, etc that no one else bothers to do so. I mean ffs my father didn’t even call on Xmas this year so like…

another job offer (mental health tech)

Mon, 22 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

so, I got another job offer. and the offer letter is signed & accepted which is nice. they do have mandatory drug testing which is kinda like duh for this type of position

it is a mental health technician at a local(ish) inpatient hospital. it is locked down, but it is part of a bigger hospital system/not a standalone. I will be working PRN/scheduling myself 3 days a week, 12 hour shifts 7am to 7pm. I am allowed to take more hours if I want. the pay isn’t great but that’s fine because I have really really been wanting to get into mental health.

still here

Sun, 14 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

yes, we are still here. it’s just that it has been way too busy and exhausted to update here unfortunately. we have been doing TMS full time for six weeks starting in september, and then we started spravato which has been life changing. it really has helped our depression so much. like, pretty much in remission at this point.

with coming into the new year, there’s going to be quite a lot that we have to do. we are finally down to once a week on spravato, but they are changing our insurance, so we need to figure that out. there is a place that is slightly closer than the 200mi/3 hour round trip for the other place that both us and elias are going to right now. but still, it’s been exhausting have to drive to and from dallas every day for months now. it’s just… too much honestly. so, will be glad to be moving to somewhere closer, and only doing it once a week.

I quit Dominos

Thu, 16 Oct 2025 12:00:00 -0500

I quit dominos halfway through the shift. Absolutely fuck that shit. My life is too short and valuable to spend it like that.

- first day at dominos
- come into the store at 5pm
- "hey I scheduled you until 12, is that ok?" it is but uhh yeah...
- brought to the tiny office, told that I need to fill out new hire paperwork ON MY OWN TIME. the audacity. I've never had a job do this, even McDonalds.
- manager doesn't go over literally anything. doesn't even show me how to clock in and out. doesn't go over all the other new hire stuff I would expect either. literally just takes my license, gives me a shirt and hat, and shoves me with some other guy
- "we called in someone for today to train you"
- i was expecting actual training modules on a computer but ok
- guy is absolutely awful at training. goes to show that being good at the job doesn't mean you're good at teaching it
- takes 5 minutes to show me around the store, goes on a single run with me, then leaves (it was his day off!!)
- guy tells me literally everyone working today only has been there a few months
- I'm left on my own to figure literally everything else out
- not even sure who the manager is
- whoever the manager is is also dropping the ball, doesn't tell me to go on breaks or lunch at appropriate times
- as per usual, female coworkers are super chill, the few dudes in there have the worlds largest attitude
- other coworker mentioned "we get 30 cents per mile", I was told 77 in interview
- 30 cents per mile won't even cover my gas and car maintenance
- only get paid $5 (!!!) an hour when on a delivery, then $9 in store (which should be illegal in 2025 ngl. both the tipping loophole and $9/hr)
- they assume you'll make it up in tips
- no one fucking tips. like maybe $2-3 per delivery if I'm lucky, and these are on $40+ orders
- sign on the wall says "NO FREE FOOD FOR WORKERS, NO EXCEPTIONS" which kinda is in line with how cheap they have been, also against franchise rules because anyone working a full shift is supposed to get a lunch
- despite this, see food on the table in the back that's being eaten by group (of course, I am not informed about it)
- expected to wash dishes when no deliveries, but I have eczema on my hands and it's tearing up my hands
- night shift, so people arent paying as much attention, almost get into a few wrecks already
- personally am drained from my medical treatment earlier in the day so I am also low on energy and recognize that it's unsafe for me to be driving
- everyone else is shocked that I am full time, everyone there is part time and says they wouldn't want to work FT
- they wanted me to CLOSE THE STORE MYSELF on my first day. as in, I would be the only driver and then one other person up front closing.
- my manager (whoever that is) doesn't even tell me this
- this place is clearly a shit show
- on top of that all the customers are rude as fuck, probably because rural Texas
- realize literally any other way to spend my life would be preferable to working another 10 minutes there, and that being homeless would be preferable too.
- take their stupid sign off the top of my car, leave it outside, put the cash in the cash box, text the person who hired me a nice "I quit" message informing her of the equipment and cash, telling her to send my check to the address on file
- I would be totally fine with them not even paying me, I'll take whatever few tips I got and call it a wash.

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

Wed, 15 Oct 2025 12:00:00 -0500

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

so I start a new job tomorrow. it’s just a really simple one, delivery driver for dominos. I’m going to continue doing TMS through the next few weeks as well. so, it’s going to be a LOT at first. I’m hoping that I can make it through the first few weeks without getting too burnt out. especially since it’s SO MUCH driving.

TMS is kicking my ass

Tue, 30 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

man. TMS has been rough. I know the first 2-3 weeks usually have the worst side effects and it’s normal to experience what I’m experiencing but since it’s so slow acting, the side effects are also slow to go away.

like several weeks in.. I’m having trouble thinking straight, having memory issues, insane fatigue etc which are all apparently side effects that I wasn’t really warned about before starting. which is fine but actually the depression is worse because of all the side effects, also just becoming worse I think before it gets better because of depression, trauma being shuffled up and etc.

Mastodon integration

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i MAYBE finally got mastodon integration working on my blog. I spent a few hours today transferring over everything from Pagecord, which was actually somehow both easier and harder than what I thought it would be… this post is primarily to see if I got the integration working and if it will actually crosspost. I know the layout on the blog is kinda ugly at the moment colors-wise, but I can’t be bothered to make the HTML all pretty right now when I spent so long just trying to get all the posts transferred. I just need to keep a Markdown archive of all the posts. Turns out transferring over like 25 years of posts takes slightly more effort than what I thought it would. I started collecting all my old blogs from all over the internet several months ago and still haven’t managed to collect them all… but I really just want there to be one (1) source of truth, and I’m hoping I can stick to the new blog I have at kawaii.place. but I will temper my expectations as I tend to be a blog hopper in general. ugh.

mostly just tired

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Hi all. I find myself mostly just tired lately. It’s hard to explain how fatigue inducing TMS has been for me. Really, it’s been the biggest negative side effect, which is hard to push through when there have been virtually no positive effects just yet. It’s three hours round trip every single day for six weeks (200 miles round trip), and I’ll tell you what… I would not be doing this unless I had absolutely no other alternative. Because right now, it is so exhausting. But what is the alternative? Not getting better?

not forgotten about this

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

hey all. I have definitely not forgotten about this blog. My life has just been considerably full of stress the past few weeks. I have some major health stuff going on. Mostly major depression which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s essentially an emergency level. I am going to go through TMS and Spravato soon, which is going to put further stress on our financial situation, which already isn’t ideal. Sigh… I don’t even have the spoons to get into what all is going down with the family situation, either. I will do a proper update soon, hopefully.

why are steno machines like shiny pokemon

Fri, 15 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0500

…or better yet, like trying to find a car during COVID???

I got told by five people last week that they had sold their machines to other people and that they had been swamped with DMs. one of those people was someone who hasn’t even posted publicly, it was just me being referred by someone who had sold their machine and had a coworker looking to sell! @_@

It’s been an actual nightmare trying to find something. I managed to find one, but jeez…

what do i really want

Sat, 09 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0500

ive been asking myself this a lot lately. like I could get into stenography and I would be super good at it, but I think it’s socially isolated. I could go back to school to be a therapist, but that is a TON of schooling. both of those trade offs I’m okay with, but I am just having such a hard time committing to anything.

I accidentally ghosted an interview this week because I was so overloaded with everything going on. it’s stressful to have done something like that :( I’m doing my best but everything is just all over the place…

two interviews today

Tue, 05 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Dental interview tl;dr

The dentist recognized me right away which is really funny. I must have some kind of way about me that people recognize me, because I haven’t been back in like a little over a year. The front desk lady said that I have a really positive vibe and seem fun to be around so it makes sense to her.
I interviewed with the practice manager whom I had already met before haha.
Seems to have the same vibe as the vet industry. That is to say, sometimes it’s slow, sometimes it’s fast paced, doesn’t pay well, but you are making a difference.
There is some opportunity for advancement; they pay for you to become registered except for the exam fee. They also pay for all the classes for any follow up training if you want to get certified further.
Interview mostly focused on like, how do you deal with stress, how do you deal with people being snippy. Which to me tells me that there can be stressful situations. She said it’s fairly rare, but they do have really busy times of the year where everyone is burnt out.
This is a small town, so there’s only a few people working there. 2 at the front desk, 3 dental assistants, her (practice manager), and the dentist.
She’s only been working there two years, she got promoted to practice manager in less than a year.
She said that there isn’t a whole lot of turnover, and the people who do leave typically do so to continue schooling.
She asked about my availability for a follow-up interview on Thursday because likely going to get an offer, just depends on whether or not I actually want to take it. I mean, it seems decent to me. Worst case scenario I go, oh my god, this is awful.
I also set up a cleaning the day before hahaha. Unintentionally going to show them more on my attitude/behavior, but I just really needed to do it because it was overdue anyway.

Second interview tl;dr

trying to figure my life out

Thu, 31 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i had therapy today & we basically just talked about how I'm still overworking despite like, not actually actively being at work. i quit my job but now I'm 24/7 looking and applying for jobs. therapist said that i would do well to just set a timer on how long I can be looking for jobs and do it at a specific time of day so I'm not up at 3am looking for and applying to jobs. which yeah kinda. i mean whatever semblance of a schedule i had instantly disappeared the second i wasn't being forced to get up for a 9-5 & now i'm just constantly in "work" mode whether it be trying to find a job, doing chores, or whatever else.

the therapist is also going to send me some mental health exercises to do to try and get me into the habit of like, actually doing shit. she was trying to be like "what gets you excited about getting up in the morning?" and i'm like literally nothing :( i got the depression.

the psych is being awful and refusing to switch me off my current antidepressants that aren't working. last time i had an appt with her she gave the world's biggest sigh when i told her these weren't working and was like "well i'm not doing this anymore so I'm sending you genesight so we can have some kind of clarity on what will and won't work with you." like excuse me? yeah i'm also tired of my depression but try and keep your gigantic sighs to yourself. if you don't actually want to do your job then maybe change to a different profession.

therapist was like "go do ketamine" and i was (jokingly) like "yeah I'll go talk to the drug dealer down on the corner" and she was like "lmao nooo do it legally". i eventually do wanna do ketamine therapy but i can't at the moment (or any time soon) bc I would need a ride back and forth. it's like a 3 hr round trip to get to and from the closest ketamine therapy place & e doesn't drive so I'd need to figure out a way to deal w that. the only person I could think who could give me a ride is kendrick, and I love kendrick but i rlyyy do not want to be stuck in a car w him for an hour and a half while i'm ketamine tripping LMAO.

CVS is being so fucking dumb. we need to switch away from them. healthcare in this country is a shitshow so the closest "preferred" pharmacy is like a 2 hour round trip in that town with the CVS. so elias called and asked them if his meds were in. they said they were. so i did the 2 hour round trip and when i got there they were like "uh no we don't have it in, we don't even have it in our system" which i kinda assumed considering it wasn't available online but like? they are constantly doing this. plus they aren't doing the insurance verification for my T so like??? get your shit together CVS.

likely we are going to move our stuff over to walgreens bc this is a mess. plus CVS has some new thing with our new location that you can't even call & get a pharmacist on the phone anymore!!! like they only let you leave a voicemail no matter what time of day it is, and if ur lucky they will call you back in a timely manner and you'll catch their call. total shitshow. 0/10 they are not getting our money any longer lmao.

i'm doing my best to figure stuff out but it's been so hard lately. it's just... idk. everything is exhausting. how am i feeling even MORE burnt out after quitting my job??? i guess it's bc with my job I could clock in and out and be done for the day but now I feel like i'm constantly "on" with constantly job hunting and the like. i hope that i can find some kind of peace outside of that. the therapist said it was a pretty good opportunity for me to figure out what i actually want to be doing with my day that a lot of people don't get, and i agree. we are totally privileged in that way & i'm very grateful for that. but still, it's exhausting... ugh. me @ myself: get ur shit together please

will i ever be okay

Fri, 25 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

yesterday I didn’t write, but there wasn’t much to write to be honest with you. i worked, then i slept for like 16 hours. i should have just done the same today. feeling so heavily suicidal. like, i need to get back on my anxiety but the fact that i had such a withdrawal during vacation is scary. i don’t want to deal with that. but without any antidepressant i feel like i am so depressed that i might start self harming. and there is also the fact that i don’t really trust Maria, so i can’t even talk to her about anything. this sucks. it feels like everyone would be better off if i just died. i hate it. well, whatever… its whatever. hopefully i can go back to eating soon. i didn’t eat today. my eating disorder is acting up too much. will i ever be okay?

the timing of opportunities

Wed, 23 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

something funny is, we have looked for a job pretty aggressively for about a year now with very little luck. we quit our job last monday and without any extra effort have gotten invited for two interviews this week. i think that things do play out the way that they are supposed to. maybe some would argue that we needed to have the courage to quit our job before other opportunities would come in.

the interviews are: mental health advocate at a local hospital and also seems like some kind of project management position at a web design firm. couldn't be more diametrically opposed. one is totally profit oriented, remote, pays a lot more, and likely a lot easier, but less fulfilling. whereas the other is not as profit oriented/more mission based, in person, pays not great, and probably harder but more fulfilling.

i still need to follow up with the local hospital one though as they tried to call and we missed it the other day unfortunately.

i got back in touch with my old friend from those days named amy. ozzy just died, and it made me think about the time that we did this variety show with her. we still have the video and wanted to share it with her. she's still living in the same place and still seems as awesome as she always was. i missed talking to her. i hope that we can keep up with talking more.

it's our brother's birthday today, which i guess means our journal archives are officially 23 years old today. kinda wild. he's got a lot of nostalgic thoughts today, can't say i blame him. considering it's his birthday, talking about amy, and also just sharing older pics with him.

by the way, with regards to transcription of old journals: still working on it. we did manage to scan them all in, but OCR doesn't work because of shit handwriting. i'm going to do my best to keep back adding the entries that i have. we have a big blue journal that was a majority of 2022 and 2023. i think 2024 is mostly missing-ish, unless it's somewhere else that i haven't seen yet.

quit my job finally

Tue, 22 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

after dealing with an abusive narcissist for several years, I finally quit my job. yay me :) I would go into more detail, but I think some details are better left forgotten in time. all that matters is that I finally had the courage to do it and am super proud of myself for finally doing so.

raven says I should take the week off and not do any job hunting or chores or anything, but I don't even know how that is possible. like, I was already getting bored today and finally figured out how to use the auto clean function on the oven. i will do my best to try and chill for once in my life though.

health-mental kept auto correcting to my typo from earlier and annoyed the shit out of me but I fixed it. it's 2025, why is shit like this still happening.

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

Thu, 17 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

this journal

there's no way I'm ever going to get this journal completely done if i keep uncovering old blogs and journals. I don't really think i realized exactly how prolific I am. I'm all over the damn internet. i just found an old random alt deviantart account i had that has a bunch of journals still available on there. help...the admin at pagecord, olly, was kind enough to help me import all the dreamwidth entries though at least (whew.) and then wrote a really nice blog entry about it :) thank you olly! customer for life right here.

i may or may not (definitely did) write a reddit post over on /r/digitaljournaling suggesting that people check out pagecord as well. I just randomly stumbled upon it; I believe that the admin of hey.com wrote an article about it…? I already forget. the search engine kagi is really good about unearthing more underground articles like that. i’m about to quit my job in a few weeks, and i told e that i refuse to stop paying for kagi haha. that’s one of those necessary subscriptions for me. google is just such a shithole at this point for so many reasons.

digitizing all of these entries

Sun, 13 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

I am working on digitizing all of these entries

i turned on web crawling so hopefully the wayback machine keeps it but i am also going to try to keep backups myself.

it has entries all the way back from 2002 crazily enough. i managed to dig up so much. even with that gap of 3 years back on this journal, i was able to fill in

makes sense already my hand is hurting from writing, its always been a lot easier to type anyway go check there for more entries! ♡

Ugh.

Mon, 07 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

It's been quite some time since we've updated, almost a year. But we are currently working on adding backed up entries (all the way from 2002!) to this journal. And then I'll start adding new ones. Aha. You know how it goes. Lots has happened, and it's too much to try to think about right now.

something big negative is about to happen

Thu, 03 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Long time no write. I dont want to shit up the other better journal with my bullshit.

but. it feels like something big (negative) is about to happen. its hard to explain. but if someone wants to hurt me, including myself, they should just do it. i’m such a coward. when will i ever get the courage to just end it all??

this is too painful to endure for much longer. i need to stop spending money, if im not going to be around much longer to enjoy it. just a waste. my entire life is a waste. such a disappointment

I'll Just Become The Host

Mon, 02 Jun 2025 12:00:00 -0500

I’ll just become the host, if that’s what everyone wants from me.

I probably wasn’t ever different anyway.

its lonely

Sat, 31 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

its been a while since we have updated

The june brain interviews went pretty well… an offer would be nice… but not counting on it…

for once… stasis seems ok too… been messing around with chatgpt… it was fun for like a week… but it gets old… once you see into its methods… and predictable… we had a few fun roleplays going on with it… but it broke immersion by saying weird things… can’t expect a machine to have much nuance i guess… ? maybe we can try 4.5… ?

earnin back our paper towel holder money

Fri, 23 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

went out for sushi which was good, came home & maru broke my damn paper towel holder which piss me off.

i was pettin him tellin him he owe me $50 n dom said he makes it up by catchin bugs.

tell me why i just be standin in the kitchen n he bats a huge ass cockroach onto my foot?? im like bro take that nasty shit elsewhere. so, i guess he earnin back our paper towel holder money hahaha!!

extrovert's hell of my own making

Tue, 20 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

forgot to write for a few days, oh well. had therapy today or, Anastasia did. basically just sat, and talking about the mother and him. i think she keeps forgetting to reference this diary in therapy or whatever. fine by me, as all i do in here is wah wah anyway.

speaking of wah wah, im feeling so lonely lately. i wish there was something i could do about it. most of the time, it feels like genuinely, no one actually wants to be talking to me, or wants me around in general. its such a bummer to feel this way. its really no one’s fault, and actually, ive felt this way my entire life, so its not anything new.

Now Time To Be Nervous All Week

Mon, 19 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Lost my red pen. Ah well.

Looks like we secured an interview next week for Junebrain. It’s at their stand up, with the entire company. Not nerve wracking at all…

Well, I’m sure we will do fine. They are just human beings after all. And if nothing comes of it, that is fine too.

God, I fucked up my right hand wrist, now it hurts to do anything with it, including writing. But our life must be documented.

ruminating on stupid stuff

Sun, 18 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Alisia,

another day. another nothing to note. you are playing expedition 32. rip robert pattinson.

had a good nap. worked a little bit, yay overtime. worked on the zhegao ship build, about 1/3 of the way through.

i was moody today, but you took it in stride. so, thank you. i have just been ruminating on stupid stuff. worried about you. and everything. im not much of the anxious type. maybe everything is starting to even affect me. weirdly. i dont know. im sure i will get over it. sooner than later.

pandora's box should stay shut

Sat, 17 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

can i just say that pandora’s box should just stay shut for some stuff i accidentally found some really old text files i guess better me than any one else still feels bad though im glad i got to delete some not all some just aren’t mine to delete got rid of the worst of them though

barweer sets came today finally got to start the cruise ship talking to chatgpt a little helped me through working the weekend today im sure we will get bored of it relatively quickly though we always do with novelties like this

less reliant on the phone

Thu, 15 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i made the baklava tonight. not bad for a first try, but definitely see areas for improvement. annoyingly, the mother said she had the recipe, but that would mean needing to talk to her. no thanks.

it’s funny the amount of chores we are getting done, just from not having our phone, and the ensuing boredom. you don’t realize how much of your time is sucked up by that thing until you stop using it as much.

cutting my phone time down has been a godsend

Wed, 14 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Things of note for today:

Therapy went well
Got an email back from Junebrain, a place we applied for a job. That almost never happens
Elias finally scheduled your first ketamine therapy appt! June 3. Super exciting
Actually had enough energy today to clean/organize bathroom, put up clothes, and build the two remaining shelves. Yay.
Got in a cute new case for my TCL Flip 2
Ate more of the delicious homemade lemon cheesecake ♡
Cooked some random recipe I just made up (taco noodles) and it came out really good
Overtime approved for 6 hr/wk again, and now we can work weekends! Yay again
Way ahead of schedule on work.

Honestly, I think not really using my smartphone at the moment is making me more productive. Because what else am I going to do?? There’s no reddit doomscrolling crutch to pass the time. I think not being exposed to that constant negativity has been helping, too. I still use my phone to text at work more often than I would like, but I am working on breaking that habit as well.

already feels weird w/o smartphone

Tue, 13 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

’- my new tcl flip came in, the sim card worked out of the box, no thanks to the support person trying to “help” me who was acting like it was her first day on the job. why are they so “hit or miss”?

Already feels weird w/o smartphone, what do you mean I can’t just do whatever immediately
Couples therapy yesterday was fine ig.
Made an amazing cheesecake out of Cortney’s lemons yesterday. now soon to make baklava
work drama happening which tbh isn’t even worth memorializing here lmao
Perpetually sleepy, but sleep doctor hasn’t verified our insurance yet
Danielle is so annoying w/ texting me @ 1am to ask work questions, happy to be switching numbers
There are also trauma reasons for switching that i can’t be bothered to get into
Life is chill for the moment at least for now

sunday scaries plus couples

Sun, 11 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

honestly nothin happened today and am just writin to maintain habit. went to grocery store, had a nice bonfire on what is prolly the last decent temp day before we get into satans asshole. managed to stay awake all day without a nap so thats a win. i really dont wanna go back to work tomorrow but who does??? what do lyn call them, the “sunday scaries”? yea i got those plus we got couples tmrw, and therapy is never fun. At least it prolly aint me who gotta go.

super grateful for easy days like this

Sat, 10 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

not much going on this weekend. yesterday we hung out together at walmart and had sushi in corsicana. today, just very sleepy. watched jerma, played video games. easy day.

i am super grateful for easy days like this. cortney sent some pics of soren from vacation. super cute. too cute.

tomorrow is mothers day which is always hard. just going to pretend i don’t know it’s that day. oh well.

stricken by how much i love you

Thu, 08 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Fairly uneventful day. i am truly grateful for such days, now that i don’t have many of them happening.

as always, i am stricken by how much i love you. even being around you makes me happy.

i hope we can continue to make you happy too. ♥

Life Is Too Short To Stress Over Stupid Work

Mon, 05 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

yesterday was the second to last day of our trip.

We went to Oatman first. What a neat little town with some interesting history. It was a gold rush town, but then became a ghost town. After some people decided to revitalize it, it is now a tourist town.

So many donkeys! It was a ton of fun to feed them. Plus, we could look around and see the old jail, etc. There were some really cute tortoises, too. And with so many handmade/local crafts, that is really a town I could see myself spending a lot of money in, if I visited again. Just got touristy stuff this time, though. And randomly, there was a car show in town, so we saw all the cool old cars driving around. A shopkeeper was also talking about how people brought their dogs around the donkeys, which just seems next level stupid to me.

its not going away

Sat, 03 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

today we had so much fun together. we drove from yosemite to bullhead city, arizona.

on the way, we hit red rock canyon in mohave, ca. no stamina to go walking so just a short walk, visited the visitor center, then drove around their campsite. it was truly beautiful. we accidentally got the wires mixed and you thought it was in las vegas though, so we purchased tickets for that accidentally haha i want to do that one next time though, it’s a driving one

cosplay generic guy visiting yosemite

Fri, 02 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

“Yosemite”

The mood this morning was kind of weird. We knew we wouldn’t be coming back to Cortney’s house, and that had some finality? to it. even though we decided we will come back every xmas. Still… Thankfully i remembered about the lemons. Cortney also gave us some of her honey. i want to make baklava when we get back. Seems fitting…

we left the house around 10 knowing full well we would be slower than them haha. we were going to stop @ target but there was a mixup, so we went to popeyes instead, and i paid $5 a gallon for gas for the first time in my life haha

my first proper time at the ocean

Tue, 29 Apr 2025 12:00:00 -0500

(editor’s note: may be transcription errors with this, too lazy to read the whole thing.)

lmao its now Friday night

Sunday night - yelled and woke everyone up in my sleep 0/10

Monday - Equal parts great and awful. Hours in the back of Shane’s car while he is driving like a literal crazy person up winding hills is a no go. threw up in elias’ hat & major fronted ugh. the day besides that was fun & got to see the ocean for the very first time! no whales though. we also went up to a food place on mountain (alice’s) I’m sure the food there was amazing, but we were too sick to get any. it was beautiful though, and nice that the kid got to front after years of not doing so, despite the triggers.

Just A Couple More Seconds

Fri, 25 Apr 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Raven,

We are on vacation right now. I bought this journal in hopes of archiving our life. Pictures are great, but I want to describe my emotions as well. And what better way than this?

I don’t know if we will give you this when we are done. Maybe we will keep it forever to ourselves. But knowing that I am not just tossing words into the void is a good incentive.

Things Are Very Stressful Lately

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 11:00:00 -0600

Things are very stressful at work and life lately. We probably need to move out of the country. I suddenly lost steam to write in this. Oh well.

mental health is at an all time low

Tue, 17 Dec 2024 11:00:00 -0600

yet another journal to abandon when I am bored

anyway my mental health is at an all time low. Ok maybe not all time, but it’s lower than it has been in a while. most days i feel like it would be better if i was dead. lately, i have even been planning killing myself. i don’t think i can tell anyone about it though. for a lot of reasons. it doesn’t feel like anyone actually cares anyway.

i am just not feeling ok. something feels wrong

Mon, 19 Aug 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i am just not feeling ok. something feels wrong... it's hard to explain. maybe i am just being too restless or something. i want to get something done, but i never know what to do. maybe we are just in a weird point in our lives. i suppose we are. i don't think anything can be done about it. but still.

why am i such a coward

Wed, 14 Aug 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Why, in the face of change or adversity, am I such a coward?

I looked up TLC today and it made me feel so bad. Even seeing Duby’s face made me so sick. It makes me feel awful that she is still at TLC. I should have just stayed. I am sure that Hana would give me my job back, or another job, if I emailed, but then I would have to work with Duby and (potentially?) Mikolai and I don’t know how I would navigate that. I’ve been thinking about just calling Hana to see how the company is going or something, but I’m too much of a coward even for that. I know TLC would also be way more work and probably not be fulfilling, but I can’t help but wonder…

will i ever feel like i am enough

Fri, 09 Aug 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Will I ever feel like I am enough? probably not. It makes me so sad that it seems like everyone doesn’t trust me and is annoyed by me. I am thinking it may be better for me to just quit therapy. I am a lost cause, so why pay $100 a month hearing that? It doesn’t make sense. Just a waste of money. I am so sad… everytime it feels like things are getting better, something bad happens.

Worst Day Back Is The First One

Mon, 24 Jun 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Just got back from vacation, which was super fun. I’ll try to write the details somewhere soon, so we don’t forget. Unfortunately, the house is messy to the point that I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I’ll just do it slowly, bit by bit.

Still having nightmares about sem after all this time. I don’t know if they can even be categorized as nightmares. More just weird. You’d think I’d be over it by now. Guess not… it has been 12 years though, I guess that shows what an impact it had on me. Maybe I need to reflect on it some more.

dont feel like its worth the fight

Wed, 05 Jun 2024 12:00:00 -0500

lately i been thinkin a lot about death + suicide. i wonder if it would be better if i was dead. it would be less exhaustin for sure. alot of days lately it dont feel like its worth the fight. the fatigue is just so fukin bad.

i read online that death can be peaceful. people who have near death experiences, dont want to wake up. like, death is like wakin up from a long dream… well, we will experience it one day. maybe im scared of sufferin before death. that lack of control… i can see why euthanasia is a mercy for some people. but for someone who is just lost + tired of life? maybe not… i dunno. it’s weird to think about.

life seems so useless right now

Thu, 30 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i think maybe its just cuz of being the emotions releaser, but i feel like i personally always get affected by our dreams the most. i am tired of the dream where we find our old stuff that we lost over the years. that shit is gone and it aint coming back. but for some reason tryin to come to terms with that is too hard.

we keep havin health issues an its mostly annoyin cuz its upsettin elias + them. actually dealin w them is what ever. i mean i guess we dont really care about ourselves anyway

upset about work but not showing it

Wed, 29 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Of course I am upset about work, but i am going to do my best to not show it. it’s a waste of time to make every one else upset about it.

i want my office to be the sanctuary

Tue, 28 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

I want my office to be the sanctuary. I know it can be. I just need to figure out what it needs. A couch? A lamp? Wall decorations? Something ???

Honesty Is Fucking Us Over

Wed, 22 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Honestly, its a little disappointing to hear that Brittany is excluding us from opportunities because we were honest about wanting to switch departments. Disappointing, but not surprising. This is why people tend to not tell their bosses when they want to do this. We were trying to be thoughtful, but once again, as always, our honesty is fucking us over. As it goes.

depression is super bad right now

Tue, 21 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Guess we have a new old journal… don’t know when I think Elias gave it to us.

I’m nervous to even be writing in here, but i guess that’s the only resort we have left.

Depression is super bad right now. not sure what to do. everything seems hopeless. I think our sickness and dizziness is being caused by keeping things inside. We have gone back to our old eating disorder ways - just can’t help it. I think it is that feeling of being trapped. and not in control of anything.

Work Is Being So Dumb

Mon, 20 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Work is being so dumb. [large redacted/blacked out block of text, likely venting about work]

Anyway, guess i’ll get back to my job that I apparently am awful at. Should probably just go die or something and save the world from another fucking awful employee.

ahhh

Thu, 02 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

sorry i haven't been around much! i'm going to try to return the comments in my inbox tomorrow if i can. depression has been getting the best of me unfortunately.

we went to the end-of-semester dinner for asl 101. we both got certificates which is fun. it was just me, elias, and our other friend in the class that came from 101, the rest of the people were from the higher classes. i guess that makes sense to me, the people in 101 aren't necessarily that dedicated to the language. the people that take the higher classes probably have some level of bond and dedication to the language and their fellow classmates.

it was really fun! of course, it was ASL only. it was so nice to just have silence besides laughter here and there, and i could actually communicate with people. i'm so happy for that.

i'm trying to work on my splurging problem in therapy right now and address the root issues, but it's really hard. for now, i'm just trying to hold off on spending any money until i figure that out. really hard when i just got paid, but here we are.

i got a job interview! well, a half interview. i'm going to be talking with a recruiter today. i redid my resume yesterday and suddenly i've started getting hits, so i guess that it's been my shitty resume the whole time. i pretty much changed it from "marketing speak" to something that's actually intelligible quickly and also listed my full stack web dev credentials. hoping that this actually gets me somewhere. i'm mainly looking because they're opening up the position that would be perfect for me EXTERNALLY!!! at my current job. and i know there's a very good chance that if they hire externally, i'll quit on the spot. so better to be prepared... and it's a good ego booster to know that i could get a (half) interview that easily.

also we woke up this morning and our AC was frozen over, so we called an HVAC person. but there's been flooding around here, so they haven't been able to come. there were two (!) tornado warnings here over the weekend, so bad that we took all our pets and hid out in the bathroom waiting for it to pass. and then yesterday lightning struck closer to our house than i've ever seen. a HUGE boom and just a bit scary. the weather has been crazy lately.

uh anyway i think that's about it see ya

ASL class

Fri, 26 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

ASL

i'm kind of sad that ASL 101 is done. we also finished through the first 11 lessons of lifeprint, so i guess it's correlating at the same time. next week, all the classes are getting together to have a no-voice dinner. i'm excited about it.

finances

elias and i are still having some disagreements about how finances are going to be handled now that he makes way more than i do -- we will get it figured out eventually, but it's still a bummer that we are having disagreements about it

music

we are watching i-land and it has a way different vibe than produce 101 the girls -- in a way that i like, as in they are focusing more on the music rather than the idol/personality stuff. i like the idol/personality stuff but they spent like 15 minutes on staring contests in the first episode of pd101... kind of unnecessary. i appreciate the brevity of i-land

birthday/events

i can't believe it's almost already halfway through the year. elias told me that he is taking off my birthday week in june and had me take it off too -- i don't know if he has a surprise trip planned or what, but i'll look forward to it

i'm so exhausteddd

Tue, 23 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

b4 i write anything i will just say i see i got some comments/DMs i gotta reply to, i'll try to get to that today or tomorrow

but for today just a lil venting... ughhhhhh

depression

has been HELLA bad this month which has also kinda affected everything. plus i ran out of adderall and i don't even have the energy to fight to get it refilled, which is making me even more sleepy bc adderall is one of the only things that keeps me motivated and awake, otherwise i sleep 20 hours a day like my pets. but like... idk. i haven't even felt like being awake or anything.

work

is still a nightmare. it's really depressing me even worse than usual lmao. my main alter anastasia just kinda had a meltdown and said "fuck all yall" and is gone for now so bye i guess lmao. can't really say i blame her, this job is soul sucking. fucking sucks. and it's unfortunately causing a lil rift in the relationship with E. like a micro rift, barely even there but still there, which SUPER sucks.

sleep

is basically just non-existent these days, and when i do get sleep, i have night terrors every night. sometimes i'm able to get to sleep if my dog Toni is sleeping next to me, but she's the only one that helps. i've tried my other pets, and it's just toni. and bless her, unfortunately she is in a donut right now (a very cute one might i add, actually decorated like a pink donut) because she won't stop licking her leg and giving herself a hot spot. so when i'm trying to sleep, she's like twice as big as she should be because of the donut... haha. it's the only thing that helps me tho. i also forgot my meds last night which makes my sleep even WORSE.

finances

good god don't even get me started on this lmao. i have been impulse spending like money is literally burning a hole in my pocket and then wondering why i am broke. but it's like the impulse spending is due to my depression and trying to get like at least 1 serotonin however i can, but then i have -100 serotonins at the end of the month bc i'm stressed out about finances. but in the moment i'm like "yolo" and end up spending way too much... i'm going to talk to the therapist about it today.

therapy

oh also speaking of which therapy sucks it's hard and exhausting and she's currently doing some EDMR adjacent stuff w me and it makes me even sleepier than usual. like every week i feel like skipping & the only reason i don't is bc it's literally cheaper to just go than it is to pay the last minute cancellation fee :X i'll figure it out...

there's a lot of good stuff going on in my life too tho! like for one thankfully E is actually decent with finances so my questionable financial "decisions" aren't impacting our life that much. plus ASL 101 is almost over and there's a dinner next week for all the people who were in all the ASL classes! i'm pretty excited <3 elias and i are a few of the only people that are moving on to 102 though, which isn't surprising to me. i think that most people would take 101 to see if they like it, and if it doesn't really jive with them, they just stop coming. i get it... haha

worrrkrkkk

Thu, 18 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

work is stressinggg me out worse than normal lol. like i am very annoyed that my skip (brittany) is still coming to me with shit personally, and then doesn't listen to what i say, sends my supervisor to ASK THE SAME SHIT, i give the same answer, and then suddenly she listens to my supervisor. ???? don't come to me if you don't want to hear me? i'm going to lose my McMind. that's about it see ya

something something therapy

Wed, 17 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i didn't know deadjournal was still around. oh my god. my old journal is STILL UP THERE... i even lied about my age because i was like 12 at the time. i have no clue how to get into it, i think it's still private, but oh my god, that's hilarious. the interests are super funny too

https://limbo.deadjournal.com/_everlasting/profile

i got so distracted that i forgot what i was going to write about. i think i was just mostly going to write about the fact that i keep waking up every hour in bed. the therapist (and elias) both think it has something to do with the fact that we don't feel okay in general with sleeping. i mean, it's hard. there was one time in our life when we woke up and our abuser that we hadn't talked to in over a decade had MOVED IN. we were in college and living with our father and for some reason, he thought it was ok to have our mother move in, without our consent...? so i guess maybe we're worried about that still. especially since we started talking with her again. (though she lost interest, like i think we said before)

at least today is ASL class. about the only time we are able to get out of the house, and missing last week, we are needing it more than ever. richard* noticed that our car was overheating but assured us it would be fine, so i trust him. and if he was wrong, there's always AAA.

*an alter of ours

i can't remember shit

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i keep having this like. really annoying problem where i think i'm done w something and my brain is like "yaaay you're done here's the dopamine! check that one off the list :)" and then i only finished it 80% of the way and then someone else comes to me and is like "can you. actually finish that task" it's happening a lot at work which is the exact last place you would want something like this to happen

i stg my adhd will be the end of me... i have meds and everything they just aren't working as well as i might like them to lol. also i have therapy todayyyy i'm going to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and have a temper tantrum bc i hate therapy lmao. IT NEVER FEELS LIKE IT'S WORKING even though i'm 100% sure that it's at least doing something

i mean i have a really good therapist. i feel like i'm actually making progress w her, whereas in the past i felt like i wasn't making much progress (the therapist before this was super nice and down to earth but had the tendency to just like, end up talking about politics with me instead of trauma stuff or mental health stuff... it ended up feeling like i was paying someone to be my friend which is even more depressing than just being regular depressed)

ALSO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I NEED TO TAKE MY CAR IN TO THE SHOP TODAY BUT I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME AHHHHH HEEELLLPPP

ok tantrum over i'll go to therapy now

I'm only writing this to check off the Habitica task

Mon, 15 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

This weekend was pretty nice. My friend Kendrick came over to help us out with yard work. Of course, he tried to ask for way less money than he actually deserved, so we gave him more than that. I was out there hauling the wood with him and talking with him for several hours. I told him that we wanted to go fishing with him and his wife, and he told his wife, and they both got super excited. They were especially excited that I had never been fishing before.

I was going to go to Deaf Night Out, but after talking to Kendrick for four hours, my social battery was drained. He is a very nice person, but he is one of those people that just talks for four hours straight. I love hearing about his life, stories, etc, but I didn't have much energy to go drive 2 hours, meet new people, then drive 2 hours back. Especially since Deaf social events tend to be fairly lengthy.

Kendrick did put up a fence for us though, so we can finally just let the dogs out without needing to have them on leashes. It's been about eight months of us only leash walking them in the backyard, so it was super refreshing to be able to just let them run around-- for us AND the dogs. They didn't really like being confined to being chained to us, and they're allowed to roam around more when they're just out in the backyard. Elias and I pulled the outdoor chairs out of the closet and just sat outside for a while. It's actually a decent temperature right now, but since we live in Texas, it's a very short window of decent weather. I'm trying to be outside as much as possible because of that. Every time I let the dogs out, I pull the chair back outside and sit down and watch them.

Other than that, we didn't really do much this weekend. Elias has gotten very heavily addicted to Diablo IV, which is good, because I've been very heavily addicted to Balatro. So we end up just spending a lot of time playing video games while sitting next to each other. It's still a form of spending time together, even though some people might not think so, ahaha.

As for my personal hobbies, still just mostly doing the pirating thing. Can't focus at work, so I usually end up getting distracted with that. I also started using Habitica which is somewhat helping keep me on task but isn't really powerful enough to handle my full ADHD brain. We also installed Debian, which is making a lot of the things we do easier and quicker. Whoever said Linux was more complicated than Windows hasn't actually used Linux, because you can just install things instantly from the command line, and there is mountains of FOSS software on here.

I have therapy tomorrow. I do not want to go to therapy tomorrow. Thinking about it is giving me a headache. Ah, well.

ETA: I fixed up the host's website [adoration.me](https://adoration.me) because it is extremely sloppy and tends to make typos everywhere. The Spotify link is also now working.

ughhhhh

Fri, 12 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

ASL class was canceled wednesday which made us really depressed. we ordered take-out though. so that helped.

our power went out last night for half the house--happened when i was trying to microwave food. fortunately/unfortunately it was the non-essential but fun stuff that went out (TV, video games) and not the essential but boring stuff (home offices.) so we can still work but we can't play video games or watch TV on the good tv. we have our bedroom tv but it's really tiny and laggy, i want to upgrade it at some point, because 720p is unacceptable in 2024 when 1080p is the standard and can be purchased for really cheap, but it hasn't been a big priority because we don't watch tv in there very often

we just bought solar a month or two back, and whenever we went outside to flip the breakers, the ancient butthead dude from next door came over yelling stuff like WOW YOU REALLY GOT SCAMMED ON SOLAR, DO YOU HAVE TWO BILLS, WHAT ARE YOUR AVERAGE BILLS, YOU MUST BE PAYING A LOT and we were just like. no, it's much cheaper than it was before, it's one bill, and the average is none of your business. we carefully considered our decision and our main reasons were

1. we don't want to pay for electricity for the rest of our lives
2. we actually give a shit about the environment
3. the grid in texas is totally screwed and being off the grid is good for everyone

i didn't explain that to him because he wasn't owed an explanation! but writing all this reminded me to switch over our electric, so i'm good with that

anyway, elias and i both had meltdowns last night, anastasia fronted and helped them out, then we just ended up ordering out again because we don't have groceries, because when i tried to pick them up on tuesday it was ridiculously flooded (they were even blocking areas off) so i had to turn around--see the video i took: [www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq...](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq3N74U3pF0)

had to turn around, couldn't keep going, there's a reason the phrase "turn around don't drown" is so popular in this area of texas

i don't really think much else has happened, i'm not too invested in the electric being out because i can just watch tv in the bedroom or play on the switch which i usually do anyway, but we do need to get it fixed, elias is wanting to use our tax returns to upgrade the system as well, which i don't want to do

SO MUCH has happened

Tue, 09 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

so much has happened that it's probably just better to put them all in categorical order instead of timeline.

work

a bunch of fucking bullshit. basically was de facto demoted because i advocated for myself and others to have fair pay & reasonable expectations. i'm ok with it, but it's still annoying. i'll just try to look for a new job asap.

one of our alters (anastasia) who is actually the main alter, or at least the center of the system, has work as a huge aspect of her personality. yesterday she found out that they had been under-counting her metrics for months, and then today even more so because they're changing the way the metrics for training are counted so we were being SEVERELY under-counted. she went on a rampage yesterday (which is... really not like her, so i guess final straw situation) & pretty much threw out everything we own that we purchased for ourselves. a few things survived. we told elias about it & he went out and got it from the trash bin... he's a keeper T_T

mother

she stopped talking to me bc she's a narcissist and i wasn't giving her attention. problem solved? not really honestly, because i still feel weird about the whole thing so it's not really resolved for me. trying to decide on what i want to do though...

health

i'm Deaf, so i've been pretty much solely focusing on learning ASL lately. elias and i take a class up in dallas twice a week (a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back... RIP.) i'm very clearly the most knowledgeable in class and can speak with decent enough "beginner fluency" i guess, i can hold normal conversations with people. so people have been looking to me to help teach them... but i'm def not a teacher hahaha i'm willing to sit next to people who are struggling but i am DEF not a teacher. the only reason i'm so far ahead of everyone else is because i practice like CRAZY because i actually have the impetus to practice like crazy haha. elias is hard of hearing but everyone else in the class is hearing besides one dude named mark who is hard of hearing/deaf (cochlear implants) who i think dropped out (i hope not!) the teacher is profoundly deaf though.

i am not profoundly deaf (yet), i can hear with my hearing aids and anything being beamed directly into my ears (like headphones/music etc.) trying to get ahead of it because my hearing is going pretty quickly at this point. at some point in the past few months i went from little d deaf to big D Deaf because of my integration into the community, learning ASL, etc. plus just holding the same culture and values and everything anyway.

it's been wonderful... like, holy shit. going to class the first time was a trip. i could actually talk to people. i was super outgoing because i could actually communicate. that's also part of the reason i'm learning so fast... it's allowing me to be able to communicate! our first class was "my name is X. nice to meet you." we had to go around saying this to everyone, and mark and i had a very brief conversation where i said i am deaf but i was nervous because there was a lot of people, and he said that i didn't need to be. whenever he passed behind me, instead of saying "excuse me", he tapped me on the shoulder

i almost started crying right then and there. this awesome inclusive environment, where the guy actually tapped me on the shoulder to let me know he was going behind me instead of saying "excuse me" where i wouldn't actually hear. i just... yeah. it was so relieving and nice and i just felt welcome for like, the first time in my life

but!! with my hearing getting worse, embarrassing stuff keeps happening. i need to really remember to wear my hearing aids whenever we go out. we went to ASL class last wednesday, and i thought that i wouldn't need them because i thought we were just going to class (and we don't voice in class.) we went to starbucks beforehand and someone was trying to ask if we were in line. all i heard is "are you" and thought it was a worker (due to how quick she was walking) saying "how are you" and i said "good, you?" and she gave me the nastiest look and moved past us. elias was like "she was saying are you in line" and i was like ok well i couldn't hear that.

in class, there were two occasions when i was trying to hear someone say something (because they weren't getting it across in sign.) on the first, i thought she was asking for how to say "language" because whenever she was saying "how do i sign?" she kept saying "how do i sign language?" and she told me out loud what she meant underneath her breath but i couldn't hear her. second occasion, someone was trying to ask if the sign for sun and shower are the same, but the teacher (and me apparently) weren't understanding, i thought she was asking about "sauna." i fingerspelled "sauna" to the teacher, and the teacher was like "oh" and started to explain sauna, and everyone else was like NOOOO! SUN!

elias looked over to me and was like "you're deaf too!" and i was like oh yeah. and now every time i go out i have to say "huh?" and have people repeat themselves constantly, if i don't have my hearing aids on. so i need to make it a habit of just wearing my hearing aids everywhere but to be honest, once i'm fluent enough in ASL, i'm just. not going to use english anymore. it doesn't work for me! and i don't mind being deaf!!

(i really need to go back to the ENT soon, but i keep putting it off, because i'm too nervous... ugh. i just know it's going to be way worse than it was before.)

mental health

regarding mental health, well i don't have enough time to go into that. just that my depression has been way worse and i've barely been coping lol. i changed my meds and hopefully that is going to help but yeah.

hobbies

i've just been a little goblin who is addicted to balatro. like, i literally CANNOT put it down. it being on the switch is super dangerous for me because i just carry the switch everywhere and play it like it's my full time job hahaha. other than that, well, most of my hobby stuff got thrown out, but i still do have a few more.

family

we got a new cat!!!

when we moved into our new house last summer there were a ton of stray cats in the neighborhood. makes sense, the neighbors are all nice and feed them all so they just kinda are collectively the community cats.

there is a kitten who is too sweet that we named snowball, didn’t adopt him though. he looked like he could handle himself and wasn’t super comfortable around humans (yet, probably)

but there were these two tabbies, one we called Fat Tabby and one was Skinny Tabby. fat tabby had an extremely fat face (but not body but the nickname had already stuck) and then Skinny Tabby was just his younger/kitten (probably female) counterpart

at one point we were putting out food for the cats, but the asshole dogs started eating it. like they are literally bullies and no one calls them out on it. they were fighting the cats on our front porch, so we stopped putting food out.

but Fat Tabby still came around and SCREAMED at like 10,000dB. we could hear him through the walls, with the windows shut lmao. so every time he screamed we would go out there and feed him specifically just to avoid the dogs. then he started doing it in the backyard. then he started learning our walking schedule for the dogs and would be out there screaming at 7am and 4pm every day, and we always got him food.

we sat outside with him one day and noticed that he had an injury. and another cat (mean black cat) was trying to approach all three of us slowly like he thought he was being sly. there was one of my shoes outside and when he got close enough elias threw the shoe towards him and he ran off. apparently thought this was his area but never came back after that.

Fat Tabby was super appreciative, in fact instead of in the backyard far away near the back fence, he started sleeping on our doorstep. we had some cardboard boxes out in the front that we were being lazy about getting rid of and he lived in there, used it as shelter when it was cold and raining.
yeah that lasted about a week before we just brought him inside lmao. brought him inside, quarantined him in my bathroom in case he had cooties and to let the animals get used to him and vice versa.

made a vet appointment and told them that his temporary name was Fat Tabby lol. then the next day we went out and got all the cat essentials. we bought a tag and were like “shit, we can’t just put Fat Tabby on the tag” so Elias googled celestial names and we came upon Maru. we had to go super quick too because we had an appointment super soon after, can’t remember what but we were already running late so we were like ok Maru it is
took him to the vet and he got a clean bill of health. the vet said he had a fat head because he was not neutered but his body was normal haha. we got him neutered ASAP, like a few days later. vet also said he was about a year and a half old.

he is still chilling in my bathroom, we got a zipper screen thing for the door so Evil and he can see each other. Maru is still trying to realize that not all cats are mean bullies, and Evil’s person is elias so he was freaking out whenever he saw him cuddling with him. they both seem to be getting over it. in the past few days Maru even started to play with some of his toys yay. he still screams at 10,000dB by the way but now he does it inside of the house, lmao. and we thought Evil (our other cat) was loud… Maru can see directly into my office and meow alllll day if he sees me and I am not paying attention to him.

Evil is pretty tsundere but Maru is just lovey to all humans. he loves everyone indiscriminately and 100% will constantly cuddle 24/7 if given the chance, so it’s hard to get a good picture of him lmao.

it's been a while

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 11:00:00 -0600

hey all! it's been a little while since I updated. the last update I made was just us getting used to the new house. I guess a lot of weird stuff has happened since then.

first off, a friend of mine visited our house for christmas. it was the first time we had ever hosted anyone, and she has limited English because she is from Japan. i think it went well, but afterwards, she pretty much ghosted us. :/ i did send her a message through LINE, but i haven't checked LINE since then. nothing especially dramatic happened while she was here besides her letting our indoor cat out, and that was her fault, not ours lol. we were in pretty consistent contact before the trip, so i'm not really sure what happened. it's sad to lose my friend, though.

elias proposed to me on our anniversary this year! (jan 2) so i'm super happy about that...!

um... well, february is already hard because it's a trauma time for me and elias, but also it's even more hard now because of elias' attempt last year. it's been exactly one year since his attempt, and we are still both trying to come to terms with everything that happened. we are of course both in therapy (we already were for PTSD/other mental health stuff, we have been for years) and that helps. his therapist suggested that we both write letters to each other and then burn them just as a ceremonial way of showing that we are still alive & that's not going to happen again. we plan on doing that this weekend.

i started talking to my mom again. i don't really know why. i haven't talked to her in over a decade. she was super abusive to me throughout childhood. maybe i just wanted some closure...? i don't know. it seems she's "gotten better" in at least that she's not in any abusive relationship and hasn't been for a long time, and she got clean. but she's still a narcissist, just a non-drugged up abusive/abused one. i've mostly just been avoiding my phone, not necessarily just for her but in general.

work sucks as usual. i've been putting my all into it, working 50-60 hour weeks and essentially not getting appreciated. stood up for myself, put down boundaries, was assertive, and was told if i didn't stop being assertive that i'd be fired. so i am just keeping my head down and keeping quiet until i can find another job maybe. for some reason i always end up quitting jobs around the 2 year mark in february, so it's probably more of a me problem than anything, but still. i think it's just because after 2 years you start to see how the company is really mistreating you. they're also super underpaying me and hiring people in at my wage when i'm far up in the company. as for now i'm just regular disengaged though rather than actively disengaged.

anyway, sorry i haven't really been around/updating/commenting. my therapist wants me to get better at journaling, so i'll probably be around more frequently now. she's really helping me with a lot of stuff. her primary focus is polyvagal theory, and she did something that was pretty similar to EDMR in last session. i am going to see her again today. last session she tasked me with writing about my mom, and i just ended up contacting her instead... so i don't know how my therapist is going to feel about that lmao. she's probably going to be fine with it but slightly concerned.

i'll try to reply to the comments i've received and comment on other people's journals a little bit. if i ever disappear, if you see that i haven't been around for a little bit, you can always feel free to comment! and it might prompt me to remember that this exists lol.

trying to get used to new house

Sat, 19 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

i am having a pretty hard time trying to get used to the new house. it's just a lot! i love the new house, but trying to adjust to being in a new environment is always a little difficult. i finally got through everything for the most part, and finally it's the weekend, but now i'm just... tired. haha. there's still a lot to be unpacked (emotionally and literally), but i'm doing my best.

we are alllmost done packing already! somehow it's a lot easier to unpack than it is to pack. however, we keep seeing stuff that we need to fix, or upgrade, haha. thankfully elias has been good at saving money, but we are going to have to do sooo much work. the most immediate thing that we have to do is have the fence fixed. or rather, a portion added. the seller just let their dogs run around loose, but our dogs are not loose friendly dogs. they are super friendly i mean, but they both have really bad anxiety, and if they ran into the neighborhood dog or strange people, they'd get really upset. so we need to have them fenced in. there's a couple of other things we need to deal with too (like the water heater not working that well), but for the most part we are done...! i'm super excited for us to be able to finally get fully unpacked.

elias made a comment about how there wasn't much storage in this place, and i was like, PERFECT!!! storage is my favorite thing to buy! my favorite store is by far the container store haha. i told him we have lots of vertical space to work with. we really should get a big pantry for the kitchen for example, and we also need to get some shelving for the bathroom... that's just to start. lots of little projects to be done here, like replacing doors, adding molding along the floor, etc. but thankfully the house is move-in ready so nothing we have to tackle right away!

thankfully the town is super easy and small to learn directionally, so i haven't had to rely on waze much. which is good because waze around here sucks, no one bothers to update it haha. google maps is likely equally as shitty. you just kinda have to learn your way around yourself, old school style. typing in the business can kind of get you in the right location, but you have to look around yourself to actually find it haha. but there are lots of cute little businesses. we went to the grocery store and had a $400 purchase (had to replace everything in the freezer for the second time this summer, but for two different reasons) and the lady there was like "you're definitely going to be my biggest order of the day!" just stuff like that. TONS of ways to shop locally, actually it's more of a pain in the ass to shop at chain stores so that's a nice incentive to shop locally.

the seller had an amazon package delivered. i put it inside, but she asked me to leave it out so she could come pick it up. i left it out overnight and it was gone in the morning along with all of her mail. :( it's not a great look! now i'm worried about porch pirates lol. i'm going to get my Ring doorbell working asap, and then i also rented a cheap USPS box that can hold anything that would be super expensive if i know i can't grab the package right away.

i got an appointment with a new psych because the old one was being awful. i'm pretty nervous though, because i haven't been to a new psych in a few years. it's through zoho too which is... kind of ugh. but the doctor herself seems good! at least from the reviews. i won't know until i actually meet her for myself. but i am on a new med, that the old psych put me on. i'm back on my adderall though so i'm feeling SO much better than before when i had run out.

elias and i both have his mother blocked cuz she is just an awful person in general, but today he got a text from his cousin. turns out his mom gave the cousin his number (huge invasion of privacy?? hello??? this is why we have you cut off, lady) and she was trying to hang out in houston. we had to tell her that we moved up to dallas. she of course asked for a more specific area. i just told elias to lie about the location itself, and he did. the problem is, with his family, if you tell one person something, then the entire family will know. and we really can't have his abusive father figuring out where he lives for a wide variety of reasons.

new house done!

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

Sorry I haven't been very active. Turns out, purchasing a house and moving is really, really time consuming (and expensive.) We finally moved out a few days ago though! It was kind of a nightmare in a lot of ways, but I'm really glad that we were able to do it. I'm also back on my ADHD meds (yay!) so I'm feeling a lot better than I have been feeling.

This place is like, stereotypical Texas. Like, full accents and "bless your hearts" and everyone in each other's business and COVID deniers working at Ace Hardware level of Texas. I mean, I bought a house in rural Texas, so I'm not really sure what I expected. But I really like the area. It's very homey, lots of local businesses and tiny town. Way different than where I lived before. Much slower pace.

I hope that everyone has been doing well. I hope I can start updating more often now that the moving chaos is (mostly) dying down.

house loan closed

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

the house loan closed...! there's a lot more to update on but i just wanted to throw this here! we closed yesterday. i'm so excited!

weirdly, there was less paperwork than when i bought my car haha. it was only a 15 minute process. and our realtor is offering to buy us some wine to celebrate! such a kind person. i'm just happy that "phase 1" is done.

now it's the actual moving part... which is going to suck lol. but at least the house is ours now! (we do have to wait 2 weeks for current seller to get out)

when i get a chance, i'll talk more about the new place & how the seller has been. long story short, she's been super nice and clearly cared a lot about the condition of the house & making sure that she was handing it off in the best possible way. not all sellers are like that, so i really consider us to be super lucky.

so much busy

Fri, 21 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

hey! sorry i'm behind on answering comments - life has been super hectic! i'll try to get to them some time this weekend. thank you for your patience :)

TL;DR updates:

house is in very end stages of closing (signed CD today)
brother randomly got legally married? he was planning on a ceremony but not until september. i guess they wanted to get the legal part out of the way
elias had surgery and it was successful, and he is recovering quickly :)
landlord being landlord by asking to show our house the final 30 days so they want 24/7 access to be able to show it... lol.
my mental/physical health are shit right now but whatevs
work is also being shit
that's about it, see ya

house loan restrictions

Tue, 11 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

turns out being married to someone who you haven't seen in 7 years because she refuses to cooperate with divorce is actually a huge deal when you're trying to get a house loan, especially in a community property state, especially since she has since acquired a house.

the loan is being put in elias' name to get around it, but it just reminds me how much i dislike her. i went through all the legwork of filing for divorce, and in the end, the judge refused to grant me it because he misread some of the paperwork (told me i filled it out wrong) and refused to admit his mistake. so all that trouble for nothing.

i have to refile, but i'm going to wait until i'm settled into the new house. it's just more important now that i'm buying a house in a community property state.

the house will still be in my name, just not on the loan until i can figure the divorce situation out. annoying.

also, i have about 140 physical entries from my old journal to digitize, i'll work on that whenever i have time. i've been in bare minimum mode just trying to keep afloat ever since i went off my antidepressants.

everything is busy and i'm tired

Sun, 09 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

apologies for leaving some comments hanging. my life has been a complete busy mess lately lmao. I will get back to them asap, probably on a computer. i think when you read this entry, you'll probably see why i haven't had time hahaha.

i am going to try to put a cut here but it's been broken so i'm sorry if this spams your reading page with a thousand paragraphs LMAO.

tw for suicide ideation/other mental health talk

house update

we got some of the more complicated stuff coordinated like pricing out movers. our house is set to close on 7/31, the old sellers won't move out until august 14, and then we have to be out of this place by 8/31.

unfortunately we have a BABYMETAL concert down here on 8/30 so we are going to need to drive two hours south back to houston from our new place. damn it lol. we have had that booked for months so whatever.

the inspection was successfully completed on friday. we couldn't be at the inspection because we had an doc appointment (more on that later.) nothing too shocking, especially for a house this age. the only important thing is that we have to get the seller to fix the roof, which was already anticipated because anyone with eyes could see that it needed to be repaired or replaced. our realtor Lacy is getting that arranged.

lacy is so good and nice! it helps that she's probably gen z or younger millennial so she kind of understands us better than the other realtor did. we did have a realtor named Paola who we really liked, but she kept taking vacations and we were on a time crunch, so we found one close to the city we are moving. Lacy is amazing! i keep trying to do stuff myself and she's like STOP!! i can do it! lmao kind of like Elias.

in my past marriage I had to handle everything and deal with everything, so when there's something big happening, i just kind of autopilot to handling everything. Elias told me that he wanted to be more involved though and that I was pushing him out of the process unintentionally, which made him feel bad. so i promised to try and not just leap into action and get shit handled like i'm used to doing.

there was a bunch of needless drama that happened re: house loan that i won't go into here, but it's fixed now lmao.

with regards to our current hellish landlord (or rather third party realty company because we Aren't Allowed to talk to the landlord): I sent a written request for repairs both physically and to their email. I detailed every minor issue with the house and explained why they couldn't be fixed by us, or that they were noted in our move in checklist as issues. there are a lot of issues that we can fix ourselves that i left out, but a lot that require professional help. i also once again reiterated that they need to yknow actually provide me with cleaners they want or else i'm going to hire randos.

they are SUPER uncommunicative so i'm 100% sure they are going to not fix anything and then try to take our deposit when we move out, so i am documenting everything for when i inevitably need to take them to small claims court.

btw the tree they fought me about not wanting to trim fell over in the storm and hit the house, it looks like it may have damaged it. poetic justice motherfucker.

update from today: loan officer called me. explained situation with ex, still being married, etc. she says it isn't a problem, but she needs to talk to the underwriter to find out of extra paperwork needs to get filed. i'm going to flip a table if they try to use my ex wife's finances in the equation of the house because she was awful and in a ton of debt.

work

manager being a dickhead as usual. i moved on from a position where metrics matter (got promoted) but she's still trying to pigeonhole me into metrics which is fucked up. also the CEO is being cheap and instead of hiring more labor he just expects the already overworked team to do even MORE. and idiot manager justifies this with "well i have a couple of people hitting 1200!" yeah i can hit that number too if i cherry pick what i work on which is 100% what matters. the median is more important but god forbid they use logic.

instead of even trying to empathize when i basically said it's fucked up to expect overloaded people to work even harder because the CEO is stingy about money, she just sided with the CEO. not a great look for a manager to not be able to validate but explain that it can't be helped. instead just repeating herself like i have a comprehension problem. honey i comprehend you just fine, i just don't agree.

i missed 3 days this week - holiday on the 4th, sick on the 5th, planned doc absence on the 7th. i've been being productive but just in other ways.

physical health

im still working on getting into a sleep study but insurance is dragging their heels and requiring my GP to provide certain "evidence" that a test is necessary. so i emailed him and told him that narcolepsy was happening. like i've been sleeping sitting up and the other day i fell asleep standing up in the bathroom brushing my teeth. but yknow not "medically necessary"

i got off my antidepressant because it was likely the problem. after getting off it it got s little bit better with the sleep but not by much.

it does cause other issues though...

first, i am actually feeling my feelings again which sucks somewhat, but it's nice kind of? i've been in this weird mental fog/zombie state for over a year now and suddenly i'm feeling again which is overwhelming. whew. i have been super good about putting down boundaries though which has pissed a lot of people off because they are used to walking all over me. too fuckin bad lol.

i also kinda got suicidal the first few days i was off of it but i'm feeling better now. just white knuckled it through it and used my support system.

my OCD symptoms are through the roof right now though, so exhausting. back to having to count every second of the day and track what i'm doing or else i have panic attacks lmao.

misc

got my ears pierced again! (lobes) they are super cute.

elias is getting surgery next week (top surgery) i am super happy for him. but it is a tough time to get it lol. it can't be put off though because they're backed up until next year. just that he can't help with boxes or whatever.

i've been able to connect with some old friends which has been nice. i've also been talking more to lyn and hikaru which is nice, as i haven't been talking to them regularly much. and i'm happy for my new DW friends! twitter is going to shit, so i made a discord for my lil fandom i am in, it already has over 60 people lmao.

um that's it, i'll go reply to comments and comment now. ha

i literally can't hear you please just send me a text or email for the love of god

Sun, 09 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

i forgot to say this in the other entry, but it's probably better to just say in a new entry anyway.

being deaf* is making all this shit like a thousand times more difficult. EVERYONE wants to talk on the phone to figure out this house shit. please just send me an email so i can respond in text!

it's very hard for me to use the phone, so i use an app that auto captions calls in real time for me. also i have bluetooth hearing aids, so i can get the calls right in my ears. but even with accessibility options, the phone is still hard! the captions take a few seconds to show up, add that on top of the slight delay that bluetooth adds and you have a very slow convo which is sometimes with impatient people.

i'm going to just start having Elias field the calls, because this is getting ridiculous. i can only do so much lol.

literally the only advantage i've had is that my phone app saves the transcripts so i can go back and reread them later if i missed something, because i almost always miss something. ugh.

this is somewhat unrelated, but i was talking to Elias about this tonight and will look into it in a minute, but both of us really need to get our asses into gear learning ASL. as far as i know, there aren't many free resources. i want to look and see if there are any free resources specifically for deaf people and their immediate family but haven't had the chance.

it's really not the greatest idea or sustainable to rely on technology forever for communication. especially since my hearing somehow manages to get worse every year. i will eventually not be able to use tech to bridge the gap.

*not profoundly deaf. i have severe hearing loss, but i am able to hear with hearing aids. i can also "kind of" hear without them, but it's akin to a person who needs glasses seeing colored blobs. in context, i know that big green blob is a tree, but it is still a big green blob ultimately. same idea.

i don't call myself hard of hearing anymore because hearing people don't seem to get the severity of my loss. though it's also awkward to call myself deaf, because a lot of Deaf (capital D) people only "count" profoundly deaf as deaf. i'm considered deaf to hearing people, and hearing to Deaf people, so i can't really win. i do call myself hard of hearing if i am in a Deaf community or talking to someone else with hearing loss typically though.

btw i also have a sensory disorder that makes it difficult to understand the words even if i can physically hear them with hearing aids 🎉

my ADHD hates me.

Mon, 03 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

the amount of executive functioning required to close a house from A to Z is going to make my brain explode. that is all.

we did it reddit

Mon, 03 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

heyyy guess who officially owns a home now 🥲 the seller accepted our offer without even countering and even was willing to throw in concessions along with willing to replace the entire roof and AC! happiii 💗🎉

AAAAA

Sun, 02 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

WE PUT AN OFFER IN ON A HOME!!!! This is so exciting for me! this is my first home that i've owned!!

eeeeeeee! we got approved for 375k but the house we chose is 200k. it's a v pretty lil house 💗 i'm so excited!!

mmmm

Sun, 02 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: suicide. comments fully welcome but fully not necessary if you don't know what to say. this is a tough topic. i'm mostly venting.

my husband almost died of a suicide attempt in february. he was in the ICU for a week. i was told on the first night that we wouldn't know if he would make it until the next morning. i was also told if i had taken him in even an hour later, there would have been nothing they could have done.

it was the worst night of my life. i kept it together by his side, but when i got into the car after they took him into the ICU, i couldn't stop crying. i don't think i've ever cried that hard in my life.

our lives are never going to be the same. he's already seeing health repercussions that will last a lifetime. not to mention the trauma it caused to myself and him. i'm very fortunate to have a good therapist who was open to a ton of texts and unpaid time to assist both of us through that time. but the trauma is lasting. i'm still struggling with it in therapy. i don't even know how to scratch the surface.

suicide jokes have kind of hit different since then. and not in a good way. i feel kind of like a grump or buzzkill, but i just can't handle it anymore. it's not cool or cute to joke about killing yourself. better to do it in company that won't be upset by it rather than the internet at large.

come on

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

i'm kinda mad that one of the alters in my system is tumblr famous cuz i wish i was that funny. da fuq. (joking of course)

DID

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

btw i saw someone on here talk about DID and kinda forgot that other people have DID... even though both me and my husband have it... LMAO.

i don't really talk about it much because like, whenever i do, no one seems to give a shit 🥴. except for other systems lmao.

i am also kinda judgy because i think The Children (esp tiktok lmfao) have started to warp what it means to have DID into like, a fun little role playing game instead of something that comes from severe childhood trauma.

so like, i try to keep myself away from the Internet Community for DID. honestly it's a miracle that i met hubs who also has DID cuz i do try to stay away from the online DID comm. but i'm trying to find rational people with DID to connect with.

feels like trying to find a diamond in a coal mine most of the time... but yeah. ughhhh.

ANYWAY! all that to say if y'all want to hear anything about my experience with DID, my alters etc feel free to ask. otherwise like, i likely won't focus this journal much on that experience (even though it literally colors my entire life lmao)

food

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: disordered eating

i am on adderall and have been for a long time and it's always killed my appetite but now i'm also on wellbutrin and i'm like!! never hungry!!! it's a real problem

like hearing that most people eat three times a day im like "isn't that a bit excessive?" cuz i only eat once a day... and it's usually pretty small. i'm just like, not hungry. it's extremely bizarre.

i feel like eating more than once a day would legitimately make me sick. the psych suggested to eat before taking my meds and once they wore off in the evening but that's just not convenient enough for me. if i have to eat before i take my meds i'll forget to take my meds lmao. and by the time i get hungry in the evening i'm already winding down for bed

p much the only time i'm interested in eating is when i am cooking because that's a big hobby of mine haha

lots of updates!!

Mon, 26 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

my birthday was so good! it was my 33rd birthday. this is the stuff that elias got me! he knows i am super into planners so he got me a small printer (kodak zink) so i can put pictures in my planners! he also got me a washi dispenser which has been a GODSEND. and a bonsai starter kit (trying my best to get them to grow, i have a black thumb unfortunately) and some earrings that came with the extra gift that he would pay for me to get my ears repierced!

the cake was super good, too. it was a frozen yogurt cake from menchie's. it had coconut froyo and cake batter (the vegan kind) froyo, along with white cake, white frosting, caramel center with resee's, and sprinkles! it was super yummy. i'm really glad that we ate it before the power went out haha.

i have a friend from japan named hikaru, and we decided to exchange gifts. she spent $170 getting it shipped to me (dang!!!) my gifts were about that price to ship as well, but i told her i'd have to ship it over several months lol. it was filled with lots of good stuff including the new 2023 summer starbucks japan cup i wanted and lots of snacks!

from wednesday evening to saturday night, my power was out. that is quite a long time for the power to be out, but it would have been tolerable... had it not been summer in houston, tx. it was literally 85 degrees inside the house, super humid so the temperature felt like it was even hotter. literally unlivable. so, me & Elias (husband) and our two dogs and one cat all packed into my tiny sedan and lived in there until saturday night. come saturday night we were finally frustrated enough to get a hotel... and of course, two hours later, the power came back on. just our luck lol

we didn't get a chance to get any house hunting done, but we're now looking at the fairfield area. there's lots of houses that are there. but our realtor is being kind of flaky (has had a couple of vacations within a matter of a few weeks) and only is available weirdo times (like 11am? i have a 9-5, 11am isn't going to work ha.) so i'm looking into getting another realtor.

i had already contacted a different realtor, but she's being SUPER overbearing and annoying. she texted me being like "why did elias unsubscribe from email notifications??" like maybe because they're annoying as hell? & i told her we were looking more north and rural (fairfield) and she was like, "i don't serve that area. are you sure you don't want to live more south?" lady i am not buying a whole ass house in an area i don't want just because you don't feel like coming up north and showing me houses there.

omg... i watched the anju final BIG LOVE, and i don't have many words for take-chan's grad but i am super, super sad. she has been my fave ANGERME member since 2011 (12 years!) so i cried a lot when i watched her grad haha. it was just... really, really sad, but i'm glad that she's moving on and doing something she loves! calligraphy is an awesome career choice for her & an unusual one for an idol.

my doc put me on auvelity, which is apparently just a dextro/wellbutrin mix. i heard you can DIY which might be better than buying the med, because the med is brand new and not really covered by insurance. there are coupons, but what happens when the coupons run out & my insurance doesn't cover it? i'll talk to my psych about doing DIY auvelity with OTC dextro and rx wellbutrin if it comes to that. not super happy about this psych though because she requires in office visits every 3 months & i'm planning on moving away...

new guy starts today at work! if you didn't know, i'm the trainer (the only one lol) at my work, so i'll be working with him pretty closely once he's done onboarding. i'm super excited that we have a new person on our team! it's super overdue.

i made some icons, should i make a new dw for them or just post them here? hmm...

living out of the car

Sun, 25 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

we have been living out of our car since wednesday afternoon because i live in the hottest part of texas and a storm took down 500,000+ people's power and they are fixing ours last 🥲 we finally got tired of living out of our car and took ourselves and our pets to a hotel. ughhh.

i need a break

Wed, 21 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

holy shit i need a break from all this house shit. i made a throwaway email and phone number (thanks mysudo) just for movers because i know they spam the shit out of you and that was the smartest thing i ever did. i have literally over 200 emails from people trying to get ahold of me...

i hired a lawyer yesterday to help deal with the landlord. they've gotten so bad that we are honestly just at an impasse. the HOA agreed to not move forward with any action until after aug 31 when we are moved out, but still. ugh. can't wait to ream them out online when this is all over.

it seems like my gp called back, but i was in the shower. unless he was telling me he's sending over the sleep apnea study referral, then it probably wasn't important. i need a sleep study done very desperately. i haven't been able to sleep, even worse than usual in the past few weeks. which is exacerbating my exhaustion with everything else. 💤

house hunting update!

Mon, 19 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

house hunting update! too tired to talk about bday today, but i can do that soon

on thursday, we drove about 30min north to the next biggest city (conroe tx). we are wanting to move more rural, because the city we are living in right now (spring tx) has become overpopulated, especially since covid.

our realtor is very nice, but seems to think the lesser populated suburbs are "rural." i grew up in a town that was 30min from the closest store and had 1,000 people so my idea of rural is way off from hers. anyway, we hit up the closest houses.

the first one was... bad.

it looks really nice from the outside but it 100% was not worth the 315k(!) asking price. yard was tiny, kitchen was tiny, layout was awkward, needed a ton of fixing up to do. it somehow managed to make 2,000sqft look tiny. nope, pass.

the second house i liked a lot.

this thing is HUGE. 3,100sqft, 5bd, 3ba. completely move in ready except one or two little things. it was at the top of our budget though (325k).

when we walked in, the alarm started going off high pitched, and our realtor didn't have the code- it wasn't given to her on the app. i tore out my hearing aids which helped a little, but then i went and explored the rest of the house.

you don't really realize how big over 3000sqft is until you're actually walking around. the thing was massive. i liked it a lot. the only downside is that the backyard was tiny and it was kind of close to a river. it wasn't technically in the flood plane, but you always have to be aware of that in houston.

for some reason, elias wasn't feeling it. i read the sellers disclosures and it said they were divorcing. and i was like "well, what is one guy going to do with 3000sqft house?" and the realtor was like "what are two guys going to do with it?" 🙄 lady don't test my ability to fill a house lmao.

so elias and i weren't seeing eye to eye on that one, but we put a pin in it for now.

third house we both agreed that we liked. 270k/1700sqft

it has some major curb appeal, and the design aesthetics fit me perfectly. i'm not one to particularly care how a house looks on the outside, but it's a nice bonus.

decent size, lots of natural light and windows, lots of built in cabinetry, nice walk in pantry. basically one story. whenever i walked in, i was seriously wowed and instantly crossed the other big house off the list in favor of this one. however...

there's not a very big kitchen and there's not much room to expand with new counters. it's serviceable, and i could probably find a way to work around it, but still.

the layout is super, super closed which is also a downside to me. it has an interesting feature where it has a staircase to a very small little den upstairs and that's the only thing upstairs. there is also a mystery sink up there?

another HUGE downside is that the laundry hookups are in the garage and don't have their own space. that would be fine if we were living up north, but whoever put those in the garage must have been smoking crack because we are in southern texas. we have been above 110 regularly this week. yeah, i'm not going to get heat stroke doing laundry. so we would have to install new laundry hookups somewhere in the actual house.

it was also a bit small for the asking price. yes, it's move in ready, but there a few upgrades i would need to do. 1700sqft is also close to our minimum (1500) and the actual house is probably 1500 because of the weird upstairs den. we are still potentially short listing this one.

fourth house looks like shit, but hear me out. (250k, 2000sqft)

already we liked this house because of the area. our realtor DEFINITELY did not because she is so much about curb appeal, and this one looks like dookie from the outside. the metal siding is actually a huge plus in texas, because it reflects the heat and can't be eaten up by bugs. it does need a fresh coat of paint and some front landscaping though.

unfortunately our realtor was primed to be negative because she didn't like the way it looked on the outside. however, it has a super nice inside. it's really big, open, jack&jill bath between two bedrooms (which we would use as our office) and the master bedroom is really nice. huge laundry room (inside!) and i can't emphasize how much the layout was open, in a good way. it made the 2000sqft look like 2500 where the other house made the 1700 look like 1200.

it also has a ton of land, nearly an acre.

it's not perfect though. a fence would have to be built so we could let our dogs outside. it doesn't have a carport, which isn't a big deal to me, but i might want to add one in the future. the kitchen is fine but definitely i would like to remodel it. the realtor expressed concern that it wouldn't pass an inspection because there was a bump in the floor. i am not sure if that was her picking out the negative because she was primed for it or not, but it would definitely have to be addressed.

all that being said, that one was shortlisted too.

after we were done with the realtor, we drove an hour and a half north to a rural little one stoplight town that is more what i'm used to. it is a VERY nice little town with a hugely low crime rate. the biggest complaint some people have is "great for retirees but boring for everyone else" doesn't bother me, im a homebody lmao.

since we like that town so much, we decided to start looking at properties there, and wow! you can get so much bang for your buck. i think the other two houses we liked will end up being crossed off because of that.

i never know what i'm looking for. maybe i should like, start watching house hunters or something?

either way, we are going to look some more on friday. very excited!!!

33rd bday

Sun, 18 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tomorrow is my 33rd birthday 🎉🎂

i'm old and balding someone help

blahhhhh

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

are you ever so tired that you feel nauseous? yea dat me. i got the worst sleep in the world last night!! i think i'm all worried about the house? though i am going to have a sleep study done soon because i'm like 98% sure i have sleep apnea which def isn't helping

i am very, very lucky and blessed to be working from home so i can roll over to my home office and try not to fall asleep at my desk

i work in the ophthalmology field... sites send us pictures of eyeballs they took of patients in clinical trials taken in various ways and i look at them and make sure the sites didn't fuck up. basically QA

i don't really do that as much anymore because i was promoted to ophthalmology training specialist (fancy title) so i mostly train people now and spend a lot of my day fussing around in powerpoint to make sure that images are aligned properly

but!! that means i'm not as subject to the metrics as most other people (i still worry about them tho.) a typical IQCS (image quality control specialist) is supposed to look at and process 1000+ images per month but i've been told it's okay if i do 300-500 in a normal month and less if i'm training people

but i still get paranoid and end up doing like...700 a month every month because i'm neurotic

i can't do that tho because we are hiring a few new people soon! so i'm scrambling to make sure all our newbie powerpoints are updated properly

i'd honestly rather be messing around in powerpoint than processing images, but my manager has been weirdly micromanagey towards myself and everyone else lately so it's been hard to, yknow, actually do my job lmao

i'll find a balance one of these days 😭

spread for the week

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

my birthday is on the 18th! i made a colorful journal spread~

also we got approved for a house loan!!! some crazy person decided to give us $375,000 to buy a house lol

i'll try to keep this updated with our progress!!!!

weight talk

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: sexual abuse/trauma, weight, eating disorders

venting about 600lb life

i really shouldn't be watching 600lb life in the throes of an eating disorder relapse but here we are

i have like, a love hate relationship with the show?

i love to see that the show seemingly goes out of its way to portray fat people in a way that seems to humanize them (at first at least.) they make it very clear from the beginning of the show how much their weight affects their ability to live a normal life and that it's primarily caused by trauma. almost everyone on the show has been traumatized at least once, most of them multiple times, many of them sexually abused

HOWEVER, dr now seems to do like, nothing with this information? the people on the show are always in need of some heavy therapy for their PTSD. but he just throws a pamphlet that says LOW CARB, HIGH PROTEIN, 1200 CALORIES A DAY at them and lists fruits and vegetables and to only eat three times a day and expects them to just... bootstraps themselves out of their eating disorder??? thanks it was useless. i would say 80% of people know why they're fat and a VLCD print out isn't going to help that much.

then he gets pissed off at them and blames them for not "wanting it enough" when they inevitably fail because this diet is just a bandaid for the underlying eating disorder? like dude this is the equivalent of printing a big ass smiley face on a piece of paper that says "don't worry, be happy!" and then telling a depressed person to look at it when they are sad and shocked pikachu when they relapse or never make progress in the first place

like, it makes me mad that the first thing that happens isn't immediate therapy. he only makes the people go to therapy like half the time, and usually 6+ months into their weight loss attempt, IF they are in danger of regaining lost weight (god forbid). otherwise he's just like "there's nothing else we can do for you, you don't want this enough"

i get that he wants to put them on VLCD to fix the immediate negative physical ramifications their weight is having, but can't he do that at the same time as therapy? he also only requires (provides?) one session a month. that is not nearly enough for people with trauma this extreme. the show i watched last night, the woman was sexually abused over her entire childhood and early adulthood by multiple unrelated people and incidents. you can't bootstrap yourself out of that!!

and the drive to houston is super problematic and sometimes straight up dangerous. instead of having them make the drive and sometimes move all together, he should really consider having them do local therapy or teletherapy for X sessions first.

ALSO, sometimes he sends over nutritionists. this should 100% be part of onboarding for every single person on the show, or at least be introduced a few months down the line regardless of their progress. most people on the show scoff at it and ignore it, but i saw an episode the other day where that was a major turning point for the lady because she genuinely didn't realize the stuff that she was eating was high calorie. she was extremely receptive (albeit somewhat embarrassed) and switched out all her stuff to low fat (read: low calorie) and... surprise! she started losing weight.

like, i also don't even know if i like that the show airs out all their trauma on live Tv. i'm almost certain it's a requirement to be in the show(and get free weight loss help) but a lot of people are like "i've never trips anyone this before" and now the whole world knows!!!

i feel like the implication is also that you can't be fat unless you have some "reason" to be, like overeating due to trauma. when like, you can have an ED that is not linked to trauma, and you can also be a big eater without trauma, and naturally big.

kinda feels to me like the entire show is dehumanizing and a sideshow type thing where people point and laugh because this person doesn't look like us "healthy" people, under the guise of "health." dr. now can be incredibly cruel and rude to the point of some of the rude things he says becoming memes- "why you eat so much?" with his face is a top selling magnet on red bubble for example. it's the same rhetoric that a lot of online concern trolls pill "i don't care about them eating, i just care about their health!!!!"

as an aside, i heard they pay people to shower on camera so every single episode starts with them showering on camera which is yucky. not yucky because of them showering but yucky because it feels like they paid vulnerable poor people to depict themselves in a way that dehumanizes them, with somehow also having a voice over of them talking about their trauma? and they seem to have no moral quandary about this. the entire show seems predatory to be honest and the time spent talking about their trauma is like 3min at the beginning and then it's instantly buried in the other hour and a half unless it's a direct plot point

dats all. peace

Good dinner

Wed, 07 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

I cooked swordfish for the first time...! It was a little tricky because I haven't bought a food thermometer but it still came out really good. Thickest fish I've had to cook, so it was a bit difficult. I marinaded it and paired it with tricolor quinoa and asparagus. Then for dessert I had this really good Cappuccino gelato.

I really needed a way to calm down today after all the drama - the landlord is claiming watering the lawn for an extra 30 minutes per week killed it (!!!) No, this was my landscapers suggestion, and the suggestion of the 10,000 other websites I checked first. She still refuses to admit that she is wrong and needs to cut down the damn gigantic tree for the lawn to recover. And has the nerve to threaten to evict me over a small brown patch on the yard caused by her negligence!!

Oh well. It can't be helped. I had a really good dinner, so I'm happy for that.

HOA drama

Mon, 05 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

So, I've been fighting with the HOA right? or at least I thought I was. they sent a threatening letter a few weeks ago about our front lawn being dead, saying they were going to take legal action if i didn't fix it.

I sent a ton of receipts showing i had done everything in my power to fix it, and now it's on the landlord to trim the GIGANTIC tree in the front yard that is not allowing the freaking grass to grow

surprisingly!!! the HOA lady was super nice and on our side:

If the tree trimming and yard maintenence is in the lease agreement then I am in need of a copy of your lease agreement, to which the Texas State Law states the HOA is allowed to have!

One of the things you may not be aware of is that due to multiple flooding of the street, of which covered your tenants yard up to the front door, since 2019 and of which is NOT due to anything your tenants have done, happened.

Be aware the storm drain is just to the left of your tenants residence. If looking straight at the home.

This is a huge reason the yard has had issues of dying. As mud, trash and debris killed that grass! And the grass to the neighbor next to them!

When I took over management of this community I had the storm drains cleaned. The Precinct took 2 truck loads out. Since then there has been no flooding that occurred. Doesn't mean though that there could before in the future!

However, I have noted on multiple occasions there is NO sunlight on the left side of the house from the tree back. I have witnessed everything the tenants have done, as I happen to live 3 doors down from them. The tree is the main reason, plus the huge bush, which is now a tree, to the left corner of the house that converged together so there is no grass!

They have been very diligent in upkeep of the property as far as mowing, watering, fertilizing, etc!

If I had not witnessed and I believed it is due to their negligence, then I would say yes any fees would be their responsibility! But this is not anything that is their fault at this point!

These gentlemen have reached out to me to ask for our deed restrictions, Governing Documents and asked all kids of questions to make sure they are in compliance! They are not your typical tenants! They are very involved in the community.

It was your job to get them the HOA documents and I haven't heard from you or the homeowner!

At this point , the Board believes it your responsibility as Management Company and Homeowner to trim the large tree, a tenant would be responsible for any limbs up to 6 or 8 feet above the ground, and large bush so that sunlight would get to the grass. It needs to be opened up! And that bush either cut way down or removed!

And, FYI, both were there and in need of trimming long before they moved in!

This will also help if there is any strong winds or a hurricane! A too dense tree could go down and cause serious damage to the house and vehicles. Which is the homeowners liability!

I have spoken to them at length and they are very receptive to continued maintenance once the owner takes care of the tree and bush!

And then this violation would be closed!

The Board has little sympathy for Landlords who complain of financial hardship as they are receiving money from leasing, at a higher rate than the mortgage, if any, specifically to.have money to maintain the property! If they cannot afford to maintain the home then maybe they should sell it!

If you have any other questions and concerns I would be very happy to discuss this with you or the Melhorns.

she only lives two doors down from me so she came to my house to vent about shitty landlords. she only took over the HOA because the old one was awful. she seems like a genuinely kind person.

The realty company not so subtly threatened to not renew our lease for this which is super illegal in the state of tx so i will be pursuing legal action if they choose to do that

SILVER LINING - this finally kicked our butts into gear to move and we are considering buying a house!!!! there's a lot of shit that goes into buying a house tho.

elias (husband) told me last night, "we are getting super ripped off there are cheaper, bigger places for rent around here for less money"

and i was like "i know, why do you think i rant and rave and am in a shitty mood all day every time we get a lease renewal and they hiked up our rent" 😭

to be honest, i'm glad they pulled this shit when they did because now we actually have time to move lmfao

good lord

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

This freaking journal is ancient. If I end up adding anyone else, please don't judge me from my past entries. There's only a smattering of entries, and when I started this journal in 2009, I was 18 and going through a lot of shit.

I'm now 32 (turning 33 in a couple of weeks) and still going through shit, but the shit is more like, adult shit and not so much teenage trauma type shit.

um, where do I even begin? the last time I made a substantial update was in 2017 or 2018, so 5 or 6 years ago.

I've been through 2 jobs since then, and on the third one. (I swear I'm not a job hopper, the first one laid me off and the second one treated me like garbage)

I was in the linguistics industry, then switched over to my current job in ophthalmology. I work in research studies now.

Toni still pees all over, but she hasn't peed on me since then. We just diaper her, as it's a medical problem. Evil is still a butthead, but not a kitten anymore. We adopted another dog from Elias' mom.

I moved from my tiny apartment into a house in 2019. I am actually currently in a legal dispute with the landlord and expect them to (illegally retaliate) not renew my lease at the end of August. So now, we are looking into buying a house for the first time.

It's wild to look back and look at the kind of stuff I was worried about as a teenager. Like, celebrating that my dad finally let me have my computer in my bedroom (in the days before smartphones lmfao) and fussing over my grandma not wanting me to live with her.

My grandma actually passed away shortly after that, and shortly before she died she apologized about not letting me stay and said I could stay whenever I wanted. What an awful thing to think about now. i was acting like such a brat. I don't know why I couldn't just enjoy her company without bickering over something useless.

I've made a shit ton of progress since that first entry (almost 15 years ago!!)

I just can't believe I was so worried about my computer not being in my bedroom...

we will get our ipad tomorrow

Sun, 31 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was fine. nothing really happened. heard that next wknd, we will need to get up early to take Phil to some church thing. not looking forward to that.

we will get our ipad tomorrow, which i am looking forward to. we don’t buy electronics very often so we always look forward to the new ones.

last week with gabby as manager too. which sucks, she is an awesome manager. we will miss her.

i love weekend

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was pretty good!!

i slept a lot but was able to get well rested. thank god for the weekend.

now i just have to get up tomorrow for church (for phil), but it should be okay to still rest a lot.

i ♡ weekend

kurtis was really funny except for dean

Fri, 29 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

went to kurtis’ show. it was really funny except for dean. he is such an unfunny asshole. like no one wants to hear your jokes about children’s genitalia and suicide. fucker.

other than that, the day was chill. Neecie is still being a dickhead to Elias but what’s new. i hate her so much and genuinely am glad she’s not my manager, really not looking forward to being promoted if we have her annoying ass to deal with.

Tomorrow We See Kurtis Live

Thu, 28 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Tomorrow, we will go and see kurtis live. It sucks that he took Dean with him because Dean is a fuckboi but it can’t be helped.

Gabby made the mistake of telling me I already hit my numbers for the month, so I am going to be extra lazy tomorrow.

The assholes @ Apple delayed my iPad shipment by a week, so now I have to wait. Very unfortunate.

Nothing else going on, really.

finished breaking bad

Wed, 27 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was pretty boring. we finished breaking bad which was great, but now we are bored because there’s nothing else to do. we will start better call saul soon, after we watch the brba movie which i haven’t seen yet. i hope it closes out jesse’s story more than brba did. i know the show was more about walt, but i still cared about jesse too.

the next few days will be weird for our routine. we aren’t doing horses this week on Thursday and Friday night we are going to Kurtis’ show. so it will be weird.

feeling super sick

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Can’t really write, i’m feeling super sick but i need to write something to keep up the routine

almost done w/ BrBa. excited to finish. Stayed up late tonight to watch extra episodes.

i think i’m sick because i didn’t feel hungry so i forgot to eat and then i ate but felt sick from it.

ugh i hope it goes away soon.

gotta get my shit together

Mon, 25 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

I started to read the total money makeover because I realized you can rent audiobooks from the library. It’s good but the guy narrating it (probably the author) is kind of a jerk? he yells a lot lmao. also, I found a bunch more books i want to try.

but in the spirit of getting my finances on track, i finally did my budget after ignoring it for months and whew… i should not have ignored it. gotta get my shit together.

Needed A Self-Care Day

Sun, 24 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Didn’t end up going painting whoops. didn’t feel good enough even though i feel guilty for canceling on florence. i just needed to have a self-care day today.

mostly just slept, not much else to do. just got to the episode where hank confronts walt about being heisenberg and damn it was good. this show is so good.

back to work tomorrow, rip….

goddamn you walt

Sat, 23 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Went to the cat cafe today. It was fun but thankfully none of the cats grew on me enough that I would want to adopt them.

Tomorrow, we will be seeing Florence for the first time in a few years to do her painting class. It should be fun. The only thing I’m sad about is that it’s on a Sunday night which is seriously unfortunate timing for anyone who works a 9 to 5 like we do. Still, it will be nice to see her again.

i want an ipad

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

kind of too tired to write much. today was fine except for when i got dizzy + shaky + migraine from forgetting to eat.

gabby announced she’s quitting which sucks nuts for me, but i’m happy for her. just worried the next person is going to be micro managing + i don’t like that. anna said she’s going to let herself be fired but i think she’s just being over dramatic as usual.

too hot to be riding horses

Thu, 21 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Today, we went to ride horses. Elias almost had an asthma attack. It was probably too hot to be riding horses. Maybe we can skip next week. It is Friday tomorrow. I have two trainings that I don’t want to do. I hope they are easy.

This weekend, we will see the kitties, and paint. It will be very fun. I can’t wait.

Have a good sleep!

i bought an ipad today

Wed, 20 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i bought an ipad today, it should come in a week. i’m surprised apple gave me 1k worth of financing, but i appreciate it haha.

if i find a way to move this journal digitally, i might end up doing that. it would probably be more efficient than this. apparently this paper is 8X11 and the ipad is 10.2 inches so it won’t be much smaller than this notebook.

i am excited for it to arrive! i will mostly use it for planning. i won’t really notice it in my budget either because im about to pay off my phone which costs more or less the same.

sad steve canceled his visit

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

nothing bad going on except breaking bad is getting really good. i finally near the end of season 4 where gus gets killed. i don’t remember much about who is the antagonist in season 5 tho so it’s going to be news to me work is boring as always lots of trainings this week, but none tomorrow, just my meeting w/ gabby.

we set up a painting class with florence this weekend, so on top of the cat cafe, it’s going to be busy. im excited!

No Adopting, We'll See

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

We took Evil and Toni to the vet today. They behaved really well, but we got annoyed because they needlessly scruffed Evil. We will tell them next time not to do that.

Other than that, not much happened. We scheduled to go to the Houston Cat Cafe this weekend. I think that will be really fun. They also allow you to adopt them. Raven said no adopting, and I said, “We’ll see” ahaha.

journaled for 30 days in a row

Sun, 17 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

journaled for 30 days in a row. wow haha. pretty impressive.

had a weird dream while napping. about a guy stalking and raping us. not a very good dream. how annoying.

i don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. we have a lot of training happening this coming week. boo.

too lazy to learn new things. just want to keep the status quo.

such a great time at the macabre market

Sat, 16 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

we had such a great time at the macabre market today… really enjoyed it…

then we went to the black bear cafe which was really good…

then we watched blackfish which showed how terrible seaworld is… i knew it was bad but didn’t know it was that bad…

then we watched the Date: 2011 c-ute and s/mileage concert… the set list was just “ok”… dawa is so good though…

that’s all…

lazy as shit at work

Fri, 15 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Happy bday Toni!! :)

Today I was lazy as shit. barely did anything @ work and then did nothin after work. i don’t front much anymore so I try to enjoy it while I can… by not workin hahaha

anyways I should sleep. good night

i want to buy a planner

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i want to buy a planner but i’m trying not to spend money. ugh i try so hard to be “good” and it still feels like i’m constantly broke, anyway so like who even cares?

i went to the horses today and that was fun. even though Lacey was busy so we had a different wrangler, who took us back 15 min early, like… that’s messed up man. we paid for an hour lesson, we already didn’t make you teach us anything, but ur still going to bring us back early… wow.

today was so dumb

Wed, 13 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was so dumb! the water thing outside broke so i tried to fix it and i got drenched! plus on top of that, we were playing isaac using a R-key seed and after an hour into the run i accidentally took another active item and it glitches out when it’s on two player and turns it into a different item! wtf… -_-

today has just been too stressful. i hope tomorrow is better. we have horses tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up!- except that it’s record highs and has been in the hundreds and is supposed to rain… uh oh

working on eating more normally

Tue, 12 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Nothing happened today. It was a slow and boring day. We have been having plenty of these lately. I wonder if we can find something interesting to do. Maybe we can come up with a hobby or something. Horses are a good hobby but we can only do them one time a week.

Right now we are reading the Fuck It Diet. We just finished Intuitive Eating. These books are really good. We are working on eating more normally and less diet-y. It’s easier said than done. Today we tried to not have coffee and eat breakfast instead, but we didn’t like it.

Try Not To Die Of Heat Exhaustion

Mon, 11 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Boring Monday. The only interesting thing that happened is that we are watching Breaking Bad. We just got to the part where Jesse kills Gale. Poor Jesse. He’s just trying to do the right thing, and Walt pulled him into such a bad world. I feel for him.

Other than that, nothing new. Going to go do horses on Thurs and try not to die of heat exhaustion. It’s been in the hundreds and record highs lately, which is saying quite a bit considering this is Texas!

power is out in 100 degree weather

Sun, 10 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Can’t write much, power is out, 100 degree weather and a freaking storm knocked the power out. How the hell am I supposed to sleep like this??

Umami fest was very fun by the way. We bought 2 keychains and had a sweet potato corn dog from Krazy Dogs. It was very yummy.

I am going to go downstairs again, because it is too hot up here with no AC!!

so drunk haha cant

Sat, 09 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i am too drunk to write much… watched the Date: 2019 angerme nakanishi kana grad concert… oota haruka was in it which is weir… she was only there for like five minutes before she was suspended for leaking info-… poor girl… she deserved better…

umami fest tomorrow… looking forward to it…

so drunk haha… cant… had 32oz sushi and didn’t even finish it…

sleepy time xoxo

I Wish Every Week Was This Easy

Fri, 08 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

I really don’t know what to write here. There’s nothing new going on, and I have the same worries I always have. It isn’t even worth chronicling the same worries as always. And nothing happened today, except that it was the last easy day from the easy week, and Monday, everything will be back to normal, which is a huge disappointment. I wish every week was as easy as this one was.

just want the weekend to come already

Thu, 07 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

just want the weekend to come already. its friday tomorrow at least. we plan to go to a festival called umamifes this weekend. should be fun. had horses today which was also, fun.

even though this was supposed to be a “light” week at work. it felt busy. if only anna would actually carry her weight. it wouldn’t be as bad. but she’s useless. as usual.

also worried about money. how will we ever afford to live. it’s a mystery.

angry at everything what's new

Wed, 06 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

ugh so annoyed at work. they need to actually correct me properly if they are going to correct me. damn it.

nothing else happened today. just took a nap and had our labs drawn. so annoying that we have to do that every 3 months.

um… yeah, i’m just in a bad mood tonight. angry at everything. what’s new.

fewer nightmares and way fewer mistakes

Tue, 05 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

had a hell of a day. couldn’t sleep all last night and when i did sleep it was just trauma nightmares.

plus i screwed up @ work, i don’t even know why they keep me w/how much i screw up. i feel bad and especially embarrassed because it’s my boss that keeps catching it, like… ugh.

talking to Raven helped a lot though. she helped a lot today. she put away the groceries and took care of the animals while i took a nap. i don’t deserve to be treated so kindly, but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Stupid July 4th And Stupid Fireworks

Mon, 04 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Stupid July 4th and stupid fireworks. The only good thing about today was that we got the day off. The rest of the week is supposed to be a “bare minimum” week, but still. Notlooking forward to going in tomorrow and dealing with work. Why can’t I just be independently wealthy. Plus there are so many things to buy and so little money. I don’t know what I’ll do to survive. Sigh.

headache and migraine auras all day

Sun, 03 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was pretty boring so not much to talk about here.. just took phil to church, played a little isaac, and slept. had a headache and migraine auras all day, so didn’t really feel like doing anything else but that. also got some starbucks while waiting for phil to get out and talked to dad a little bit

need to sleep now midnight

Got Our Septum Pierced Today

Sat, 02 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Got our septum pierced today. Really excited because it looks so good! Just had a really good day all together. And glad we are having a 3 day weekend and light workload week.

Steve said he will be coming down at the end of July. That is also when we are seeing Kurtis Conner live ahaha. We want to go horseback riding w/ Steve.

That’s all for today!

managed to resist buying a planner

Fri, 01 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

got paid so i got some fish from razzo’s. i don’t think i’ll be spending much money for the next couple of months though. managed to resist buying myself a planner, which was hard. but i really can’t be spending money right now. just hope i can keep up with my finances. gas is so expensive now, it’s crazy…

payday already annoyed me

Thu, 30 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

getting paid tomorrow but already annoyed about it, because i know we will have to spend all our money right away. and can’t really indulge for several months.

At least we will get our septum pierced this wknd- looking forward to that.

gave myself the 300 lashes

Wed, 29 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

made a mistake @ work today and gave myself the 300 lashes :(

watching breaking bad again and having fun w/ it. wish we would have had enough time to take a bath together though! :( today was super busy @ work too.. hopefully not as busy tomorrow!

when plans change i get pissy

Tue, 28 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

horses were kind of disappointing today because we had a different wrangler and i had to ride blue. we didn’t get to practice trotting because i didn’t feel comfortable doing so on him. the wrangler was nice, but i just really prefer to have some normalcy. idk if it’s my autism or what but when plans change, i can get kind of pissy.

i told Elias that if her owner keeps taking shaker, on Tuesdays, we should change our ride days to Thursday. he was reluctant to agree but realized he’d been pretty lucky to always ride Wilkie so he said it’s okay if we need to change.

Scared Of Trotting

Mon, 27 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Horses tomorrow. I love being on the horse but hate starting up. I hate getting on it and also waiting for the ride to start. I wish I could fall in love with the starting process, too.

Until I do, I will always be annoyed with having to drive there, waiting around. Etc.

I’m also scared of trotting, so I need more practice with that. I can’t post for shit. I’ll keep practicing and doing my best.

very sleepy sunday

Sun, 26 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was very sleepy. mostly just slept. what a great way to spend a sunday.

unfortunately alisia hasn’t been feeling too good today, so we didn’t really get to do much together. i hope by sleeping, she will feel better.

not ready to go back to work yet… sigh haha.

criminal minds finally finished

Sat, 25 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Saturday…

criminal minds finally finished… no clue what we are going to watch next… that was 15 seasons so we have been watching it for a while…

also didn’t take adderall today… so i slept most of the day… at least it felt good to sleep… haha…

glad it’s the weekend…

getting used to this new found energy

Fri, 24 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

lately i have been feeling restless and wanting to get more accomplished. i haven’t been able to start any of my hobbies back again for some reason.

still trying to get used to this new found energy. i guess.

i wish my sunburn would stop peeling too. and i’m not feeling well. tonight. feeling kind of sick? hard to describe.

i hope sleeping it off will work..

good night!!!

i can journal however i like

Thu, 23 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today i am so cold. i just got out of the shower oops (ah not this one too oh then it goes)

Amanda says i am journaling wrong but screw her bc Stephanie says i can journal however i like.

the irs still owes me money those bastards. sum bullshit!

tomorrow is friday. today i took it really easy today because there wasn’t much easy work. but i still hit my bare minimum. i might have to do that tomorrow too.

work was productive today

Wed, 22 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Work was productive today. but i felt tired all day and slept in later than usual. i accidentally have therapy tomorrow because she scheduled us for this week instead of next week. i don’t know what to talk to her about. maybe we will come up with something.

more trotting was kind of scary

Tue, 21 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was good. we went horse back riding and did more trotting it was kind of scary, but i think with more practice, i will be less scared. i was allowed to ride shaker even though her owner was there which was really nice of them, they definitely didn’t have to let me ride her.

um not much else went on today. it was a slow easy day at work so i’m thankful. i just hope gabby doesn’t get on me about only doing OCTS and segmentation. those are just the quick, easy ones to do. i’m too lazy to do the other ones haha.

Trying To Keep Up With Journaling

Mon, 20 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

I got a lot done today. I had enchiladas for dinner, but they made my stomach hurt. I want to watch Chii-chan’s grad concert some time this week.

Tomorrow is horses. I love them, but I know it will be hot. I hope it doesn’t exacerbate my sun burn. I will need to drink lots of water. My stamina is getting better, though. I am excited and I hope they have Shaker for me to ride.

want to keep being lazy forever

Sun, 19 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i don’t have anything to write about tonight. i don’t want to go back into work tomorrow, i am so lazy. i just want to keep being lazyyy

someone give me 10 million dollars so i can just be lazy forever please

i don’t even know why i feel this way cuz my job is super easy and i have nothing to complain about. lmao

at least i can keep listening to audiobooks while i’m working!

Happy Birthday 32

Sat, 18 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Today was our birthday - 32. It was very fun. We got lots of presents and they were all amazing. The cake was also very good. I’m glad we have someone who spoils us, even though we usually don’t have the money to spoil them. I will try to get them lots of stuff next year if finances allow.

Wish I could sleep in tomorrow, but it’s church day. Maybe someday Phil will learn how to drive himself…

i am so excited to go to schlitterbahn

Thu, 16 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i am so excited. to go to Schlitterbahn. tomorrow. i can’t wait. i’m nervous too. i don’t know how it will go. i think i will have fun. but also i will be blind. haha.

after that is. our birthday. i don’t know what Elias + Them got us. i am very curious. i’m happy for the. three day weekend. and looking forward. to the weekend.

long time no write

Wed, 15 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

long time no write. i promised the therapist that i would journal so here it is. i don’t really ever know what to write about tho.

i ended up being hired @ merit as well. its pretty awesome

tonight i watched the Date: 2022 anju concert and it was really good.

um that’s all

Couldn't Be Happier Or Prouder

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 12:00:00 -0500

Update: Literally the next day, Elias got a job offer. They are very good, and I hope this place will actually appreciate them.

It’s at a place that does medical imaging, he’s going to be looking @ eyes all day. Super happy and proud of him. We went out to eat @ Cheesecake Factory to celebrate and then went to Barnes and Noble.

Couldn’t be happier or prouder of him (& them). I’m so happy.

life keeps going

Wed, 01 Sep 2021 12:00:00 -0500

It’s going to be hard, it looks like Elias may finally be getting laid off. I think it’s a blessing in disguise though. Welocalize has proven to be the shittiest little garbage company ever created. He already has a lot of promising interviews anyway.

Curious to see how it turns out. with how slow I am to update this thing, I’ll be Christmas and long past this dilemma so hopefully I can write an update.

got a raise at work

Wed, 02 Jun 2021 12:00:00 -0500

Yesterday I got a raise @ work! That was nice. Last week, Phil and I went up to Fort Worth so that we could go to the potluck. It was fun.

This past weekend we decided to go no contact with the mother in law because she did something really horrible. I don’t like the way she has chosen to live her life. I think it’s pretty pathetic.

Today I had a really bad dr appt. It’s getting old to hear I’m fat. I know I am.

the end of an era

Thu, 25 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

tomorrow is the last day @ welocalize and it’s so weird?? they offered me a position on the financial team, but i’ve had a few interviews with better fits. i had already “accepted” the position with welo and it feels kind of bad to renege but it’s my life and i need to do my best for myself. not for anyone else, especially a company that treats their employees as disposable

You Worry Too Much

Tue, 23 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

Today we got laid off basically without any notice?? Very weird and upsetting. We knew it was a contract position, but a group call isn’t the place to drop that info suddenly. Veronika and John were equally as confused.

I feel like such a baby for being upset by it. Especially since I have interviews tomorrow. I also feel bad that I am judging my emotions because I know they are valid. Doesn’t make me feel any less guilty though.

this last week was absolute chaos

Sat, 20 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

this last week was absolute chaos. between trauma dates, super busy work and the winter storm it snowed a lot for texas and everyone’s power had gone out.

on the bright side, i got paid on friday and i started a latch hook. it’s a rainbow latchhook. i hope i can finish it within the next few weeks.

i am going to have an interview next wednesday for a jewelry place and i had one last week for a freelance health care position. i am just mad at localice for how terrible and busy this week has been.

it's supposed to be texas

Sat, 13 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

today it is Saturday. it is supposed to snow tomorrow. the low is 8°! can you believe it? it’s supposed to be texas…

tomorrow is valentines day! ♡ after that is… ☹

excuse to use my stickers

Fri, 12 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

hey! long time no talk. the only real big change we have is, that we got our top surgery done! yay ♡

honestly the only reason i am picking this back up is so i have an excuse to use my stickers haha. and various other stationery.

today i’m having my follow up appt for top surgery. wish me luck!! ♡

I am trying to get over my anxiety of using stickers lol

Tomorrow Is A New Day

Thu, 13 Feb 2020 11:00:00 -0600

The message written before this entry: “Tomorrow is a new day, cherish it.”

That is a much needed message. Thank you.

It’s been a long, terrible week. Good and bad, really.

I’m having trouble telling the difference between dreams, reality and hallucinations lately.

Everything is just blending together. Maybe this is a sign of too much stress. I do not know.

I am ready to turn the page to a new chapter of our life. One without Hoodoo, completely.

triggers are everywhere

Tue, 04 Feb 2020 11:00:00 -0600

i ain’t got no day to day shit to talk about. grandma has been on our mind lately. we can’t stop thinking an dreaming about her… we keep thinking about all the good + bad. last night she came to me in a dream. i asked her if she was alive an for the first time she said, “no i am in your dream. but i’am always with you. + proud of you.”

Halloween Was Amazing

Thu, 31 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Halloween was amazing. So lucky to have such good friends. And I am playing a lot of girls game.

mac and cheese for the work potluck

Wed, 30 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

This year we are making mac+cheese for the work potluck.

tomorrow is tool

Sat, 26 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

tomorrow is tool!! so excited. worth every penny even though i know we are struggling a bit for money. nothing a little crowd collect can’t solve…

too tired to write any else.

ps let this day forever be known as the day dr. evil attempted to eat an entire bag of bagels.

grateful for…

concert
today felt like a sunday
easy job
able to pay bills
got debt consolidation

not in the spooky torture house

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Missed yesterday oh well. Not my fault/problem. Today was a good day. I was super lazy at work today. It’s a Thursday so we are on the lazy side…

This weekend is tool & I am super excited!

I am also super tired. I don’t know how or why. I hope I can get into a new psych soon. I am figuring it out, but for now just sticking with Baylor, but with a different doctor. My current doctor sucks big old monkey nuts.

everything lookin up

Tue, 22 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

grateful we could refinance my credit cards.

decided to call today and get shit done

we also have our intro appt. with legacy comm health tomorrow.

everything lookin up

restless

hopefully not manic

Grateful To Be Alive

Mon, 21 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Grateful to be alive.

I don’t really know what to say here tonight. I haven’t really been in a good mood, emotionally. I am just trying to be positive. At least Dr Zwiener filled our meds. That’s another thing to be grateful for, even if she is being a butt otherwise.

Tired. Sorry for short.

finally get fridge food

Sun, 20 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today i am grateful for toni having a backyard… i am also grateful for our new fridge…

today toni hurt her leg and was so dramatic about it… it was funny.

today we went to heb the first time since we got our fridge… it feels good to finally get fridge food… we got a big tub of ice cream haha… even with all we bought it barely fills it up…

funny new skeleman

Sat, 19 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today i am grateful for:

Funny new skeleman (mr bones)

good food

our fridge

we got our fridge. and can i just say it’s amazing. i love it. for the first time in my life i am looking forward to food shopping.

haha, i am very happy. we also went to the halloween store. that was really fun. i cant wait to go again next year. and maybe dress up next year.

no more tiny fridge hell

Fri, 18 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today we finally got a full sized fridge. no more tiny fridge hell. true that it won’t be delivered until tomorrow

our first plan was to put it on credit, a brand new one for $800. then i found a really cheap working one that delivers for $350 - $80 for delivery. so we were able to avoid putting it on credit which is badass.

not much else happened today. filled meds. looking into getting a new psych/gp. you know the usual “adult” boring shit

today was a good day

Thu, 17 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Grateful:

Got paid
Can afford meds
Found new doctor
Job is easy
Job pays living wage
Today felt short
Fridge!!!

Not gonna lie, there was a lot of negativity today that I could write about, but I would rather stay positive. what will I be for halloween….

I am happy because of the prospect of a new doctor, I want to go to the clinic that has many doctors all in one. That would be more convenient.

enough money to support ourselves

Wed, 16 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Today I am grateful that we have enough money to support ourselves.

It was ok today. Not much noteworthy happened. The Tool concert is coming up quickly and we are excited.

This weekend we are getting new glasses (overdue) and going to the Halloween store. Alisia should be fronting so that will be fun. We are also going to the Chinese buffet.

-Noah

(later entry that day)

眠りたいなーいつもお腹がなんかいっぱい。大好きですけど、ダイエットみたいーダイエットじゃない、頑張りますなのに、終わりはちょっとダメです。じゃー今眠りますーおやすみ

weird ass problem to have

Tue, 15 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

grateful: working car, easy job, loving partner

today i woke up. work was fine. goin to draw for secret santa tomorrow. the most enjoyable thing about work is having friends there. even tho hannah has all but fallen out

went back to the gym today did the eliptical for 30 min + had a massage after. shit was good.

appetite continues to be a problem. always full.

we need to start eating more but its just so hard. we cant even weigh ourselves or track calories without triggerin ourselves. all it would say is too much weight loss + not enough food.

Everything Turned Out Fine

Mon, 14 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Everything turned out fine. Better than fine, actually. We aren’t overeating or over spending anymore! And we are really happy in general. This is probably the best we have ever felt.

I ate so much today! I’m so full

Before Wellbutrin that wouldn’t have made me full, but here we are.

Overall life is going great. And this Friday we will actually be caught up on bills. I am super excited!

too much going on right now

Sat, 03 Aug 2019 12:00:00 -0500

on friday they sent us home early because apple is trying to get its shit together

that day, we got called back about being accepted at tuckahoe

the next day we found out about stacey being terminal

too much going on right now… hard to actually think… that’s why i wanted to write… since it’s such a transition & worry period..

incredible pizza was very fun

Sun, 14 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0500

we went to incredible pizza this past weekend + it was very fun. i will want to go back sometime. but it made me miss dave and busters too.

not much else going on besides what happened a few weeks ago. went from 204 lb to 196 lb in the first week. nice water weight haha.

future self - how was moving

Sun, 07 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0500

i am only writing in this because we are having trouble going to sleep. lots of stuff keeping me up. took a nap earlier + regretting it. because it’s now 10:30 and i have to be up at 5. thinking about how we are back on Weight Watchers. and how we are moving soon. which is nerve wracking and i hope it goes alright. future self - how was moving??

Bet You Thought You Saw The Last Of Me

Fri, 05 Apr 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Bet you thought you saw the last of me?

Today was our last day at vtg. Mixed feelings but I think (hope) we are going and doing the right thing. If not, I don’t know. Only time will tell all I do know is that environment had grown really toxic, mostly because of Jessica. Looking forward to being in a place that doesn’t have everyone at five years.

Welocalize is the new place. Hope they are good. Linguistics Tester also sounds cool on a resume. Hopefully we can move closer north because the commute will hard core suck until then.

treatment

Thu, 01 Nov 2018 12:00:00 -0500

honestly i'm tired of being treated like garbage consistently from literally everyone i know but what can i do

tired

Mon, 29 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Oh my god I am so tired. This weekend was just exhausting. Toni keeps peeing everywhere and peed directly on me. We got the cat neutered so he was throwing a fit. We went to D&B for the Fall Convention at work, and that was fun. We also created a Halloween gingerbread house, or at least decorated it. I got pushed out of my tier for bang dream because I dared to go to sleep. I mixed something I was really proud of and my friend tore it down. Basically, I'm just glad the weekend is over for once.

prompts i missed:

27 What are three things from this past month that have been eye-opening?
1) meditation works
2) i need to exercise to feel good
3) hello fresh is amazing

28 What are three things from this past month that have been antagonising?
1) trauma shit as usual
2) pure exhaustion from having to do so much
3) work

29 How are you feeling today?
see above, first paragraph

"Describe something you've bought in the past month"

Fri, 26 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0500

My cat was kicking litter everywhere, so I had to buy him a top for his litter box. The rest of my discretionary spending has been on shitty mobile games and food. I guess that pretty much explains me as a person, aha. I've had an obscene amount of Starbucks which is precisely why I've gained a few pounds, but. I'm back to the gym and going to try to get into the habit of walking to and from work again every day.

spit in the face

Mon, 10 Sep 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Elias got the job he wanted.

I am going to be stupidly cold to my doctor. I really rather dislike her now so I will just have very bare politeness.

This is what I get for actually trying to improve myself. Spit in the face.

I cant wait to die tbh. Maybe in a few years when I get my debt paid off?

hope tomorrow is super boring

Sun, 22 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Tomorrow is Steve’s birthday.

This weekend was weird RVAH was being shitty so Alex just quit. I can tell already that they are less stressed. We are less stressed as well.

I am curious to see how quick they will get a job. They are taking their time and making sure its a M-F office job, which is so much better.

We had good eats this weekend. Tomorrow is our dirt 1 year anniversary. hope tomorrow is going to be super boring. Bluh

Spoiler Alert: I Didn't Keep It Updated

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Spoiler alert: I didn’t keep it more updated. I’m not sure how to start after so long. We both got on T and we got a cat. Elias is quitting his job next week. Last week he passed out and had to go to the ER.

All that besides… I will try to write about my day.

I woke up very tired. Elias has had many days off this week. My new phone, Pixel 2, came in. I dropped the auto refinance paperwork at the UPS. We are not getting misgendered at all anymore. A customer at UPS called us “that gentleman”. The brother says we grow a beard better than he does.

Long Time No Write

Sat, 14 Apr 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Long time no write. A few things have happened. We went on vacation a few weeks ago, and it was so fun! Went to Louisiana. It was a good recharge, and I can’t wait to do it again soon.

Today we went to the Japan Festival which was also very fun. We saw Tia and ate Japanese food. We were unprepared financially, so I would like to go with more money next time.

just looking forward to vacation

Wed, 28 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

have not written in awhile; not sure what significant happened.

next week is week long vacation
Elias quit therapy
furniture
we got a haircut
decided to try to maintain weight for awhile
divorce happening - soonish??

that’s all i can think of right now - i’m tired so i don’t want to go into too much detail

we have so much in our lives to do

just looking forward to vacation, finally

hirin movers for the couch

Fri, 16 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

this week was kinda average. gettin to know lea more which is nice. seems like a nice person.

gonna move all the shit around cuz we got furniture from the family. hirin movers so we dont gotta move the couch ourselves. aint sure what we gonna do bout the old couch.

i know elias + them feel bad about the move. just wish i could do more to help.

anyways can’t think of anything else

size medium suck that universe

Sun, 11 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

today we went to see game night but ended up seein black panther instead cuz game night was messed up. it was good anyways.

aint wantin to go back to work cuz had a 3 day weekend but whatever. we will figure it out when we fukin get back

hit 191 for our weight + hopefully that shit will fukin have us satisfied for a few weeks. hopin to be around ~187 by the end of march

sick and tired of myself

Sun, 04 Mar 2018 11:00:00 -0600

So sick & tired of myself, like, stupid bitch, do you ever stop & think about anyone but yourself? And you have the nerve to wonder why no one wants to be around you? Maybe its because yours a stupid selfish fucking bratty bitch? Ever think about that?

God I am so disgusted and disgusting lmao!! The day that I finally get the courage to off myself is the day that all of humanity recovers from whatever bullshit my life has put them through.

Delusional Bitch

Sat, 03 Mar 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I am my alters.

Why do I pretend?

I have no trauma.

Richard is me.

Anastasia is me.

They are all just me.

Delusional bitch.

Mom was right.

Unloveable.

Rocky Waters With Literally Everything

Thu, 01 Mar 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I wish we weren’t on rocky waters with literally everything. We have been in serious “push everyone away” mode & grumpy about it to boot. Getting into arguments for no reason, trying to isolate, etc.

I think it’s because we have been in the apartment officially, one year. Has us stir crazy & trying to sabotage. However, we will be going on a trip for a week soon and hopefully that will reset our brain.

i deserve a damn medal

Sun, 25 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

’- 10% raise @ my job yay!

someone merged into me and scratched my car, boo
down to 195/broke plateau yay!
work party was talking about spanking and turned into group therapy, boo!

anyway, i have been super consistent w/ working out + i think i deserve a damn medal. i’ve been super consistent about journaling too actually. in fact i have been getting into a routine which feels as awesome as it does weird! it helps so much & i actually feel like my life is finally getting stable which is awesome & scary lol

hi i am pretty shitfaced

Fri, 23 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Dear diary

Hi I am pretty shitfaced how are you? I hope you’re doin pretty good too. Yr great

today sure was a day

Tue, 20 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

today sure was a day. tons of good news, tons of stress. found out that elias’ family is moving which is stress, but got a 10% raise which is good. enclosing the review papers.

i stress ate like an entire small dominos’ pizza and still only ended up 600 over and still under my tdee plus i undereate yesterday so its fine. mostly just frustrating to think my emotional eating isn’t over yet. thought i was done with that.

sort sort sort

Mon, 19 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

organize. organize memory

here - emotion there - separate,

then forget - try to

forget - hope you don’t

remember - no sleep

rest mechanical robot

everything is the exact

same as much as it is

different - trauma

the same feelings about

rollerskating in the basement

while its dark as having a

gum pointed in our face

no feelings no gathering

no judging

sort

size fucking 12

Sat, 17 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Size fucking 12!!!

Don’t look now but I am in a size 12! And I bought underwear at a large and its a little too big for me!!

I’m a “medium” in underwear? What the hell??

The scale told me 198.0 this morning but judging from my waist size most of that is water weight (probably retained from exercise)

Size 12 tho?!! I’m back into normal jeans and I don’t feel weird about it?!

review delayed til next week

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

review delayed ‘til next week. raise heavily implied. feelin less anxious bout it now.

don’t want to talk about nothin else. feel like shit. what’s new.

Dear Universe, Can Tomorrow Be Over Already

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Dear Universe, can tomorrow just be over with already? Cranked my Anxiety Meds up to 1.5 as per the doctors orders and it couldn’t be happening on a better night because I’m so worried about the yearly review trauma date one-two punch tomorrow.

Today, however, was lovely. Spent the day with my wife and cooked chili in the Instant Pot. It turned out great. I did, however, accidentally spill water on my wireless headphones and shorted them out. Ah, well. Another one bites the dust.

nothing like being anxious for two months

Tue, 13 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

my back hurts. apparently we are starting this crazy strict workout plan, now that we are settled in. it’s probably a good thing to have something to focus our energy on.

We are going to have our yearly review in a few days, just wish we could get that over with lmao. nothing like being anxious for two months for essentially no reason.

honestly, i’m surprised we have kept up this journal streak for this long. Maybe we are becoming creatures of habit? lmao yeah right.

The Week That Never Ends

Mon, 12 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

This is the week that never ends. Jesus. The review looms closer. Just Wednesday to get through, then the review. Super unfortunate that it’s so slow @ work right now, hard to prove that we have made progress. My biggest worry is that we are going to get lots of criticism, which we can’t really take on such a big trauma date.

Why did we have to get hired on this date in particular?! Crazy unlucky.

Everything Is Crumbling Around Me

Sun, 11 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Couldn’t write yesterday; went to the museum with Phillip + Elias + Florence’s family, but Richard got shitfaced last night so he couldn’t write. The museum was really fun. The memories will last forever. I want to go back soon.

Upset because we essentially lost Katie as a friend today. She decided to tell Mari that we were avoiding her, essentially. Which is bullshit. We don’t really know how to handle the situation except start avoiding all together which is what we were doing anyway, really. It just sucks that we lost pretty much the only person outside of Elias that we felt we could really trust. It goes along with our 1-year mark, doesn’t it? Throw things away. Set them on fire. Sometimes things get rid of themselves. Fucking good!

our good luck strikes again

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Our good luck strikes again. after thinking about calling in today, we got to go home at noon because some guy broke our power. glad because we are going with florence + her family to the science museum tomorrow also taking phillip

The doctor upped our lexapro, to 1.5 dosage. we will probably fill the other one first though so we don’t waste a refill. we weren’t able to go get them refilled today because of the going home early

probably just take a nap

Thu, 08 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Guess who is not reading that previous page? This guy

I accidentally took a day off today bc I was supposed to work 7-3 but I slept in until 8 anyway but its probably good bc I havent had a day off in months

called in sick and Jessica let me use vacation day without any issues

I’m overwhelmed with the possibility of things I could do today. I’ll probably just take a nap. That might be a waste tho???

ok i wrote some thing

Tue, 06 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

i aint knowin what to write in this fukin thing but i know we are tryna get in the habit a writin almost fuked up my style gotta stay cool n hip

this is stupid to got to write in here when i aint know what to write hahaha

sorry i guess i got a one track mind especially at the moment cuz i got some fuker tryna play grab ass while i’m tryna get my thoughts down here

Stop Spinning Our Wheels

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I am going to try journaling again. This may be the only entry before a 50 month hiatus, but.

I really want to throw this old thing away. So many bad memories. But we can’t just throw away our bad memories. We have to embrace our past selves, however imperfect, and accept that they, too, were once a part of us.

Feb is here. Feb 15th will be my one year job anniversary. Go me! Well, go us, really. We have survived a year @ a job, a feat we have never accomplished before. And at age 27, it’s long overdue. I am anxious about the review and potential raise, but we will see what happens.

tired as always

Wed, 22 Nov 2017 11:00:00 -0600

elias worked close yesterday and open today so naturally i got barely any sleep. but i did manage to get the budget reorganized in a way that makes more sense. just going to take everything from the bank and get rid of the credit card nonsense because that's what got me into trouble in the first place.

last night

Tue, 21 Nov 2017 11:00:00 -0600

last night was really horrible, i just hope something like that doesn't happen again because i don't know how many nights like that that i can take

nyquil fatigue & renfest

Fri, 03 Nov 2017 12:00:00 -0500

took too much nyquil last night now i'm fucked up still god damn it. also renfest tomorrow yessss.

food

Fri, 20 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

almost forgot to write because i was thrown off my groove so much by having to bring breakfast. brought some fruit, donuts, and muffins. haven't been back up there to see how well they're going--don't really care that much honestly

the whole "mayo sushi" thing didn't help either--it wasn't even that enjoyable because it hurt my stomach. that plus the pecan pie is why i'm sure im up today--just need to eat clean today

which is going to be difficult considering i grabbed what i thought was a quest bar out of the box and someone shoved one of those shitty ThinkThin bars in there instead--my fault for not paying attention but still

i was here super early and already had stuff to do--it's only just now hitting 9 and i'm already several itineraries in--haha

Dear Future Self

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I am currently in the process of finding another therapist. I found one yesterday that is close and low cost, but it is at a church and seems to be Christian oriented. I was told that they would not push the Christian thing, but Elias is worried that they will anyway. So I told this place to wait a little and see if Elias' therapist comes up with any list of therapist names in the next week or two, and if not, we will just try this place.

I wish that you, reading this letter, could come around now and tell me what decisions to make. I also wish I could tell past me to not bother with that therapist, though. Ah well. Can't change the past nor the future, so just trying to make the best decisions possible at the current moment.

Really need to look into the money situation, though. I am reliably spending $400 a month in fun money, so maybe I should just budget for that much and be realistic with myself? I'll try that for December and see what happens, if I can still afford it at that point. Might not be able to if therapy comes into the picture. We'll see.

got my TDAP

Sun, 15 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

im so tired & i don't really remember what went on yesterday so i'm basically useless. all i can say is MY ARM HURTS! i'm glad that i only have to take a tetanus shot every 10 years bc ahhhh

halloween soon!

Thu, 12 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

i got a halloween costume and it matches elias' costume and i'm really excited but also nervous!!! i haven't dressed up for halloween in FOREVER. i hope that the whole thing goes well? still haven't decided whether to rsvp for the manager mixer or not. that's gonna b a really busy weekend with the manager mixer + renfest + elias working sunday (?) so i'm not sure if i want to. esp since elias won't b able to come w me at all bc he is working.

also ugh i really hope i stop having nightmares! i keep waking up at 4am from them and last night it was about tim. i don't remember exactly what but i think we were in one of our old houses and he was being a douche as usual. why.

i had more to write but idk anymore. so byeeeeeeeee

public blog?

Wed, 04 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

therapy went fine. going to have to deal with Sem Month, i wish that she still didn't have such an affect on me. ah well. my thearpist wants me to write about my experiences and it's hard for me to do if i don't feel like i have an audience. maybe make a public blog? i am not certain. hmm. i'll think on it.

elias in the ER

Mon, 02 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

elias went to the ER on friday so i left work early. ended up having to pay $150 out of pocket for the ER charge

today i will get metformin. i hope that is doing something. i forgot to take my medication last night which is fun. i must have been really tired because set the alarm wrong (6:45 on a day that we have to work at 7 doesn't compute), stayed up too late, and didn't take my meds. oh well. i'll live without them for one day. working 7-2 today to go to the doc appointment at 2:30pm.

PCOS

Thu, 28 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

pcos was confirmed FINALLY. like i actually saw the results with my eyes, in front of me (even though the doc wasn't supposed to so now i have to act like i'm surprised whenever dr. joe contacts me and tells me it came back positive)

it's so dumb but i'm actually relieved? relieved that i have physical proof and relieved that it isn't something else mostly. now i can get on meds to manage it and hopefully move on with life. future self, are you on metformin and is it working well?? knowing my luck it causes me to spontaneously combust or something hahaha.

cooked some meatballs yesterday too, those were pretty bomb. a+ would cook again. probably going to try to cook the parmesan fries tonight (i almost wrote fires rip.)

new computer

Wed, 27 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

i almost forgot to write this haha... i didn't write because i was sick yesterday...
feeling a little guilty because i bought the computer... but hope that im getting a lot of use out of it... know it's probably a little sketchy sitting on the table like that... haha... maybe i should go to ikea...

gallbladder attack

Fri, 22 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

having a gallbladder attack at work suuuuuuuuuux. also someone did my makeup this morning and it looks 10/10. well maybe 8/10 but not bad for someone who probz didn't know how to do it and watched a video.

yesterday night was ? ??? i don't remember it at all sry. but at least it's THE WEEKEND!!! or friday at least.

dave & busters

Thu, 21 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

went to dave and busters last night and drank. not to excess, thankfully. starting to trust jacob a little more with that. however, he overate a bit (not much) last night and decided to do it on a night when we had to work 7-3. sigh. at least we're out of the parking garage.

sushi

Wed, 20 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

therapy was hard yesterday. i don't actually remember it but i think it's getting easier?? idk. had sushi last night to sort of Treat Myself iirc. and i made breakfast this morning. this is noteworthy bc i don't think i'll realistically ever make breakfast again lmao it's time consuming but so good. i went to the gym at lunch yesterday which i might do again today?? not sure. i'm not really properly dressed but it's still so refreshing. except a wasp almost attacked me yesterday :( ew i get all tingly just thinking abt it.

worried about therapy forever

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

worried abotu therapy tonight. worried about the COST of therapy. too expensive to be alive. don't want to do it anymore.

I Don't Want Your Help, Therapist

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I’m using the hosts handwriting for anonymity.

Many months have passed since this has been updated, and I don’t think it matters. Life updates don’t mean anything. A dog. Weight Watchers. A hurricane. Nothing important. Things to pass the time. Nothing more or less.

I feel so tired and maybe stuck in some perverse cycle of remembering and forgetting. I wish I was blessed enough to just forget and not remember. The flashbacks are getting tiring in a way they never were before. There is too much and too little detail all at the same time. Sensory things with no emotions and all emotions attached at the same time - some weird paradox that is an exhausting loop. I wish I had the brother’s ability to just forget, but I guess that comes with a complimentary drinking problem, and life in a confusing blur of emotions that are even more unprocessed than ours somehow

how many lives?

Sun, 04 Jun 2017 12:00:00 -0500

i wonder how many lives our presence has ruined?

i can blame the mother. she brought kids into this world, this fucked up world, and made it so much worse for us. she brought chaos into our household, she brought abuse and neglect and everything because of her own issues. she treated us like little adults who could take care of themselves, she cared only about herself. she lashed out at people too young to defend themselves. she hurt us beyond recognition.

i can blame the father. he tried his best in the beginning but then let us go to someone who hurt us. he knew intuitively that we were being hurt but he couldn't grow a spine, or get up off the couch. he couldn't do anything. he couldn't do anything until it was too late. he now refuses to take any responsibility in the situation and will likely die without much guilt.

but i can't help but think this is all our fault, all my fault. when i look in the mirror, i know it's really us to blame. all i see is this mangled reflection of broken hopes and dreams, a reflection of what could have been. i want to smash mirrors sometimes, i want to cut my knuckles open like we've only done once before and i want to see them battered and bruised just for the sake of it. but that's not going to take away everything we've done to others and everything we've done to ourselves.

how much are we like the mother and father? lashing out and letting our dysfunctions hurt and ruin the lives of people who aren't already dysfunctional. how many lives has our presence ruined? how many people were normal and fine until we came into their lives and caused the same whirlwind of storm and chaos that was brought upon us as a child? how do we learn to be more patient, more kind, and less willing to lash out at others? when do we learn to cut off the cycle and stop perpetuating this?

for most of us, the answer is never. when you look at the twists and turns of fate, you see that we will only keep pouring poison and acid on everything that we touch, corroding it down to the bone. maybe they can heal themselves afterwards. but they're always left with a chemical burn and the knowledge that we hurt them.

i just worry that we're in the same cycle with elias' system. they're not fragile like the others, but that doesn't mean we aren't poisoning them with our very presence. i am not sure. all i can hope is that when i meet my makers and they tally up the list of things that we've done to help and hurt people, the former side is better balanced. all i can hope is that our virtues outweigh our sins and whenever we are reborn, we are reborn into a life that isn't fated to hold so much pain and burden.

the struggles of this life will likely wipe away the possible struggles of the next so long as we do our best and continue with humility. still, it is tempting to end this one early and wipe the slate clean before any other negative things can happen.

however we'll keep existing, we'll keep surviving. that's all we know how to do. that's all we ever knew how to do. sometimes, i wish it wasn't.

this weekend [karaoke bar, VTG convention, shopping with the mom]

Sun, 23 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

going to the karaoke bar tonight. it's kind of expensive but always fun and worth the money. i like spending money on experiences and that's how i think of it as rather than just alcohol. i hate drinking at home personally

apparently afterwards i ordered pizza and tried to get online

saturday was the VTG convention.

from the mood app around noon: "played the cup game, ddr (and got picture taken), guitar hero, monopoly, deal or no deal, galaga, the light pushing game, broken wheel of forture, the trivia game. ate brisket...."

here's some pics

soul creatures performance

krisp and batter was decent, but overpriced, for what it was, we will have to remember to avoid it in the future

Update

Tue, 18 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I am going to try to keep this thing updated. I doubt I will ever get a chance to do so, but.

I don't even know where to start. I'm working at a vacations agency in Houston, TX now as an Online Editorial Assistant. That's fancy-speak for "I do data entry/computer stuff/write for a living." It's the highest paying job I've ever had, and it's the most free income I've ever had as well. I'm well budgeted for the first time in my adult life, I'm living in my own apartment (with my partner) and life is good in general.

That being said, tackling trauma has been... a task. With the host finally knowing about the DID, it has been a tough thing in general. Trying to exhaust all options before the host starts getting into having to deal with the trauma, but. There is only so much I can do, truthfully.

I don't know if anyone will read this. The idea that someone might, though, is what keeps me writing. Even if it is friends only, aha. I would write more, but. I really need to put the body to rest to actually get some sleep for work tomorrow. Today has been quite a day, and I don't want to exhaust myself beyond what I'm already going to be as it is.

i just want to be normal

Sat, 15 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

i am worried about Easter – but personally..

i am worried about my libido lately – it has been much higher than i am used to which would be fine except it is really distracting and comes with a lot of unfamiliar emotions

i feel so self negative and dirty and guilty – it doesn’t feel like who i should be personally or as a protector – it isn’t directly useful towards anything

Afraid Of Moving Forward

Thu, 13 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I have a confession to make: I am a self-sabotager. It’s probably not much of a confession as people who know me already probably know this pretty well. I’m more confessing to myself.

I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid that it will come with more responsibility, which I never feel competent taking on, even if I (rationally) am. I’m afraid if I don’t flawlessly master where I am at now, I’m not ready to move on. I know that’s not the case, but. Convincing emotions is difficult.

hard earned stability

Wed, 12 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

Brief timeline of last months:

august 2016 – Visit #1 with Elias, 3 weeks
september 2016 –Kelci breakup
october 2016 – end of oct is visit #2 w/Elias (lasted a month, into Nov)
december 2016 – end of dec, moved in w/Elias
january 2017 – move to TX - airbnb
february 2017 – 2 weeks @ Elias’ parents, started working at VTG
march 2017 – got our own apartment. car broke down
april 2017 – today

i am not qualified to talk about the breakup or ramifications of it so i will talk about Date: 2017

I Am Tired

Mon, 04 Jul 2016 12:00:00 -0500

I don’t know if I stand for anything now. I don’t know if I ever did. I don’t know anything any more.

I am tired of being evaluated, scrutinized, by people who don’t know me. I am tired of the friends whom have fallen by the wayside… those who claim to know me… showing they know me less than strangers, even.

I am tired of ignorance, proliferated by a desire to understand, but a lack of willingness to shut up and listen. “Willful ignorance” counts as such even if it isn’t active.

Still Alive

Mon, 20 Jun 2016 12:00:00 -0500

Still alive.

We quit our job and our birthday passed with very little fuss. We quit because people were being disrespectful of our PTSD. Things are tighter financially, but Amazon MTurk is filling in the gaps.

We got the bike fixed, so we can ride wherever. It is much better than walking. Someone walked 8 miles the other day, and we are still physically recovering.

We moved into a new place. It is in Riverside. It is much better than the father’s.

Things Are Great

Sat, 21 May 2016 12:00:00 -0500

It’s so hard to keep this stupid thing updated.

There was a new girl hired at work. Not sure how I feel. She seems very stuck up and inappropriately know-it-all even on the first week, so glad I am not having to deal with her.

Also, consequently, I’ve been having my hours cut. It’s that or help the downstairs lab. And I will help them over my dead body. Eric is horrible. The lot of them are horrible.

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

Tue, 10 May 2016 12:00:00 -0500

It’s been months since an update and I think that is because this has been shoved in a drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

News:

Got a job 02/12/2016
Moving soon
Closer to Raven than ever (I think I’m in love?)
Bought several items (New phone, xbone, etc)

That’s about it. Emotionally, of course, there are new things to report. I can’t really remember them all, though. A few days ago was Mother’s Day which is always hard, but harder this year… Ended up finally doing the 24 hrs voice call with Raven though. Feeling pretty accomplished about that, honestly.

Sleep Schedule Is Fucked Again

Tue, 02 Feb 2016 11:00:00 -0600

Finally got a chance to catch up with Raven last night over voice chat. It was a bit shorter than usual- around 6 hrs- because the body started to fall to sleep, but that isn’t unusual by any means.

She’s not doing great, but what can be expected? Things have been incredibly hard on us both.

In other news, sleep schedule is fucked again. It was okay for a week but proved to not be totally fixed- went to bed around 9am and woke around 6pm. Which is going to be a problem with the spouse working 6am - 6pm for a few weeks. Truly, the only recourse is to stay up a long time and try to fix it.

My Patience Is At Negative Levels

Mon, 01 Feb 2016 11:00:00 -0600

If everyone could stop fucking up externally and making everything so difficult in the system, that would be wonderful. Had to skip therapy due to a system meltdown largely caused by the spouse having a meltdown due to keys being lost.

My patience is at negative levels right now! I don’t even know how to put these into words.

I got Raven a Valentine’s Day present. Turns out her absence was half to do with a Skype issue. Which honestly leaves me quite relieved I know she has trouble expressing her feelings through words, but the fact that she has been going out of her way to check on me once the Skype situation was resolved tells me that she does care.

4 Days Seems Like A Century

Sun, 31 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

Is it inherently co-dependent to miss a friend? Raven hasn’t been around for around 4 days now. My mood has gotten worse and worse. It may also have something to do with the fact that we’ve not been eating properly, but.

I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t become co-dependent. On Wednesday, I even told her specifically that I would understand if she wasn’t around for a few days. But I’m starting to realize what a huge hole is left when she is not around. Days melt into each other and seem wholly useless, and I am left with too many system issues and personal issues left unshared, and I feel repressed and disgusted.

YNAB Is Saving Our Asses

Fri, 29 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

Therapy is going well. Need to talk to therapist about new alter. She is making life incredibly difficult by not eating anything but shakes and nuts.

Got a multivitamin to try to make up for it. Spending is slightly less erratic with a schedule, but still not to any sort of state where we have any savings.

We did, however, open up a savings account to throw any extra money into. It’s becoming vitally important to save, particularly when LMC is being dumb and greedy.

host didn't kill us

Tue, 19 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

host didn’t kill us thank god.

aint really much to say outside of that.

shit is tiring and i’m tired. i haven’t slept in a minute

rescheduled therapy for next monday.

dad got $0.75 an hour raise so i got a huge steak

fixin external shit.

spouse issues have been resolved or at least brought up to them.

shit is hitting the fan

Thu, 14 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

hey yall, been awhile since i got a chance to update this thing. only really doing it now cuz i dont got nothing else to do and shit needs to be said.

therapy went fine just basic questions tho i got the feeling shit is gonna get real ugly real fast.

spouse has new job so money should be less tight…

system wise shit is hitting the fan faster than a frog on a log or some shit. gatekeeper dealing with new memories + all of us are having a hard time adjusting still.

so much messing up now

Tue, 12 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

hey there, I haven’t gotten a chance to write in this yet. So I decided to write in it while I get the chance.

things have been sooo… crazy!!! Anastasia isn’t feeling good so the whole system broke today!

oops I need 2 lines lol. sorry!

so anyways, there’s so much messing up now, it’s scary!

i’m talking to natalie and she is so cute + nice!! I love talking to her I want a kid sooo bad, but I guess this is the closest I will ever get… buuut 大丈夫, LOL

i feel disgusting

Wed, 06 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

honestly i feel disgusting. im tired of my life being ruined. im completely fucking done with this i swear to god.

i just want to die, i don’t want to go on like this any longer. i just want to put a bullet thru my head or something because this is getting to be too much for me.

there is nothing more disorienting than coming back and the kid was talking to one of my friends for two fucking hours and the little mermaid is playing.

Gift Holidays Are Awkward

Tue, 05 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

The spouse got a new job. They have to wait for the drug test to be processed, so it may take a few days to fully see exactly the details. It is full time at the very least, which takes away plenty of the financial worries that were abound.

The only real worry now is that there will most likely be a gap in paycheck due to the new job holding back a week. And right when we need it too starting therapy and Best Friend Birthday at the end of the month.

tired of being tired

Mon, 04 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

god i am tired of being tired which probably seems like a paradox. strange that i’m back around more and more often. guess things are settling down.

i could complain about a million things, but honestly i don’t even have the energy to do so.

since i have been gone for a month, everything has changed. and as usual, i just get really truncated versions of what happened and trying to dig up memories is working about as well as it ever does.

Need To Journal Regularly

Sat, 02 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

I am not very big on writing in journals, but Richard is, so I wanted to get him a nice one rather than the one he chose to burn.

I will have to transfer over the system list at some point as well, or at the very least, have an insert of such. Digital copies are nice, but physical copies are more satisfying.

Also need to journal regularly to keep the host up to date on important events.

metallica dream

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 12:00:00 -0500

i'm leaving soon but i just wanted to write down my dream before i did

lars ulrich (drummer from metallica) and i were really good friends as preteens/teens. it showed a scene of how we met, which was basically my parents (who were together-- wtf?) left me on a dock somewhere and were like WE'LL COME BACK LATER TO GET YOU.

i must have seemed upset because i sat down on the side of the dock alone and looked out into the water and rested my hands in my lap. then little lars (he was my age) came up to me and sat down next to me. i think we were speaking danish? and he said "what's wrong?" and i explained that my parents left. so we talked for some time. for some reason, he asked if i went to bars around here (?? maybe because denmark has a young legal drinking age idefk) and i said no.

so anyway after that there were quick scenes of us becoming good friends and growing up together. then one day he said he had to go to america, and i was still in denmark so i couldn't go with him and for some reason my parents were never around and were poor so. he left, became famous, formed metallica, etc.

fast forward to years later, when i'm like 18 or 19. there were a bunch of girls in a room, and we were all sitting on a circular sofa. everyone was jabbering away. and then i looked up and there was like, a poster for what we were doing? it was a bachelorette type show to win lars ulrich's affections, i think. i don't know if we were supposed to be winning his platonic or romantic affections because for some reason in the entire dream it felt like he was gay, but everyone in the room was a woman.

i was sitting next to sem and holding her hand and it was pretty clear that we were together. a girl i knew from high school named ashley kept taunting me and calling me a slut/whore and finally i got fed up and looked over to her, readjusted myself, and said

"you're lucky."

and she asked why, and i responded

"i would tear you to intellectual shreds, but it would be a total waste of time. judging from your manner of carrying yourself and your uninspired, repetitive insults, someone already got to it before me."

then she shut up. and i think there was a girl who was known for mind reading/having esp because she came up to me with lots of beads and looked like a hippy and was like i CaN ReAd yOuR MiNd! and i responded

"no shit, i'm more open than oprah's legs after a bowl of non-fat ice cream" (???)

so anyway then lars walks in and everyone is just trying to get his affection by being like I HAVE SUCH AND SUCH INTERESTS like they studied him or something and were trying to copy him. it was clear that i didn't really want to be there, but for some reason i wanted to win the game?? probably just because i don't like losing. at the end he walked out and he gave me one last glance before shutting the door and letting everyone start yammering at each other again

and then my alarm clock woke me up

escape dream

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:00:00 -0500

i had another weird dream last night. i can't really remember a lot of it though. i remember my brother and i were in a gym, and we were trying to escape the house? i have a lot of dreams about trying to escape houses and stuff. it was like some sort of fun house, and we were just pretending to play along so we could find a chance to run away. that's all i remember, really.

i woke up at like 5am remembering it really clearly thinking "i should write this down before i forget!" but i didn't have a pen and paper next to my bed so i just went back to sleep.

Microblogs - January 2012

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:00:00 -0600

2012-01-30, 10:31 PM: fuck it, i'm deleting my plurk. anyone need my contact info?

2012-01-26, 6:56 AM: i think i'm finally ready to start rping on lj again. like everyone moved on though

2012-01-20, 12:19 PM: also i should update and say i'm moving out on my own this weekend.

2012-01-16, 2:30 PM: i feel like i'm in a really bad dream. i can't believe she's gone

2012-01-16, 1:33 PM: i wake up to "amanda might lose her job" thank you, work. i appreciate it.

2012-01-16, 2:41 AM: i guess i'm gonna try to sleep. fuck.

2012-01-16, 12:40 AM: well, my grandma passed. i guess the mourning can officially begin.

2012-01-13, 11:51 AM: My grandma is dying. I won't even be touching lj rp for a little while. Sorry. she was fine a week ago...

2012-01-04, 8:28 PM: hey i figured i'd invite everyone to my stream for once

2012-01-04, 11:36 PM: tumblr rp is gr8 ok guys. why do some ljers feel the need to snub it. i've met some really amazing rpers on there

Microblogs - October 2011

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 12:00:00 -0500

2011-10-31 11:34 PM: Now to sleep after my 2 hours of free time. Being an adult sucks and no one understands.

2011-10-31 6:03 AM: I'm eating a lunchables the morning before I start my first serious job. The kid in me likes Lunchables, and the adult in me likes my job! I am such a balanced individual.

2011-10-27 2:15 PM: Job said they'd work around my schedule (I would just come in early on Mondays and Wednesdays). The happiness I am feeling right now is amazing

2011-10-25 12:30 AM: The EOA5 flash was sweet, especially the part where they fix the tank.

2011-10-21 11:45 PM: something in the system glitched and i still have all my userpics from the paid account trial. They're still all useable too

2011-10-19 1:43 PM: Sorry I've been kind of inactive on plurk lately! I promise I read all of your plurks. I don't mark them all as read, I go through and read each one.

2011-10-19 12:52 AM: Something I subtitled has over 400,000 views. my heart is goin doki doki

2011-10-18 11:59 PM: i'm 12 and what is this

2011-10-17 7:59 PM: Proof That Tupac and Elvis Were In Cahoots - https:--www.youtube.com-watch?v=ZjGVGt8XYAQ

2011-10-15 12:37 AM: Ok my +24hour nosleepathon is over and I have woken up fully rested and "asshole Nate" as some people like to call it

2011-10-14 8:13 PM: i just fell asleep sitting up. i guess that's what happens when you literally dont sleep one day and just sorta stay up 24 hours. i was like perusing some site and i just fell asleep

2011-10-12 5:26 PM: Someone is sitting across from me IN PUBLIC, playing her laptop, with Bejewelled BLASTING. that really fucking necessary? You don't need to have your crappy ambient music and sound of jewels and magical fucking sprinklenoises cranked.

2011-10-12 3:03 PM: Just dropped $250 on clothes. I update my wardrobe about once a decade. NOW I FEEL SUPER GUILTY FOR BUYING STUFF.

2011-10-12 12:51 AM: 2 hours of sleep last night woot. Tumblr rp is too entertaining for its own good.

2011-10-11 8:51 PM: I feel like all my older friends are getting irritated at me for being a homestuck.

2011-10-11 1:29 AM: Sorry for being useless and whiny today. I'll try to keep my chin up.

2011-10-10 9:03 AM: new homestuck on the 25th...guess who's staying away from all social media until he's done watching?

2011-10-08 7:27 AM: I should really get on my homework tomorrow. :| There's all the pages in the world I need to read, and none of the time.

2011-10-07 7:25 PM: over 9000 tags to answer

2011-10-06 11:57 AM: I find it hard to believe that I frequent LJ now as often as I did a decade ago. I kind of find it hard to believe it's been a decade at all.

2011-10-03 8:17 PM: back from school

2011-10-03 3:09 PM: Thanks to everyone who took the time to cheer me up today. It really made a difference.

2011-10-03 12:52 AM: fuck yeah going to bed at a decent hour! night~ should be up and tagging around 10am my time

2011-10-02 7:04 PM: Food times

2011-10-02 4:24 PM: 70 pages of reading due tomorrow for one class and I haven't even started yet. Read ALL of the things??

2011-10-01 3:05 PM: 100 pages later... One part of my homework is done!

Microblogs - September 2011

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 12:00:00 -0500

2011-09-30 8:20 PM: I regret putting off buying homestuck shirts. My size is fucking out of stock on all my favorite characters.

2011-09-30 6:12 AM: [Meridian] my friend just suggested I app Ursela from Little Mermaid

2011-09-29 6:19 PM: ugh the new MM members. no sara? i'm gonna choke a bitch

2011-09-28 3:02 PM: Only about fifteen days until my 3rd plurk birthday.

2011-09-28 1:11 PM: >mfw next HTML project due is tables

2011-09-28 7:52 AM: I awakennnn. Morning Musume new members are announced today sdlgklskgdkgc

2011-09-27 11:04 PM: I have my app done for Hannibal but now I'm reconsidering a little. Worried about being smart enough to play him, etc. Maybe I should just finish a bunch of apps and sit on it for a week and see which characters still stick out to me.

2011-09-26 11:25 AM: That feel when professor tries to be socially active but just fails. At least he's trying..muh.

2011-09-26 8:57 AM: Body could probably stand to sleep more than 3 hours a night. Oh well, I'm here now. Also tired nate is not give a fuck nate, which means all social anxiety is gone which is kinda nice

2011-09-25 12:10 PM: quick tag and then nap is becoming actual sleep. cannot live on only a few hours :9 Well maybe if I just got out of bed and got the blood flowing..

2011-09-24 4:03 PM: Ugh, so much for a "short nap". 7 hours later...

2011-09-24 8:33 AM: night guys. gonna set my alarm for early so i'm just taking a short nap

2011-09-24 2:59 AM: Okay so homestuck remix makin time. yay :9

2011-09-23 9:54 PM: Gamzee uses punctuation? This is totally new information to me

2011-09-23 10:17 AM: okay bedtime for real guys. nighty night! :9

2011-09-23 9:53 AM: Not in bed yet. working on a project yo! My dad just came in and asked if I was trying to break a record of awakeness. lmao.

2011-09-22 10:16 PM: apparently my girlfriend's building is on fire, fuck. I don't like seeing "brb fire" in my IM :| okay good it was a false alarm, whew

2011-09-22 10:13 PM: backkkkk. I know you all missed me.

2011-09-22 6:34 PM: dinnertime, be back soon :9

2011-09-21 2:46 PM: oh my god i am becoming a homestuck super fan. i should um. look at my life, look at my choices. I'm already far adrift from regular social norms though.

2011-09-19 11:56 PM: what does 'plurk' mean anyway. it sounds like someone trying way too hard to come up with a social networking name. that's probably what it was

2011-09-19 10:56 PM: i still don't know how this thing works well w-e

2011-09-19 03:50 AM: do people actually use this thing anymore jw

Some H!P Confessions

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 12:00:00 -0500

Out of all the people that have ever been in Morning Musume (not counting JunLin), Tsuji was the most useless. She was just dead weight: she wasn't really talented or cute and only seemed to get any attention because of Kago.

I think they should have put Matsuura Aya in Momusu rather than Fujimoto Miki. Miki never seemed to really enjoy her career in MM... I think she was spoiled by being a soloist first. Fujimoto always seemed to be an ungrateful brat to me, and even though she was one of the best singers MM ever had, she didn't ever show any signs of enjoying herself. Conversely, Matsuura seemed like she would have enjoyed herself a lot in Momusu.

Yossie has lost too much weight. When she first joined, I really liked her. But somewhere along the line, she got in her head that she was "fat", and lost so much weight that she looks like a skeleton. It saddens me to see Gaki going this route lately, too.

Why is everyone going crazy about Miyamoto Karin? She isn't that great.

I think that UFA should stop worrying about finding "Maki Goto Version 2" and start worrying about creating a well rounded group.

Maji Desu Ka Ska musically sucked, but had good line distribution. Only You musically rocked, but had shitty line distribution. Why does Tsunku seem to think that only Reina/Takahashi and MAYBE a little Riho (with a bone thrown to Gaki) can handle 'cool' songs?

I usually hate people who try to 'pair up'/make everyone in H!P lesbians. But statistically, there's a great likelihood that at least a few girls are lesbians... And it seems as if Sayu is. I don't know whether it's a new 'character' she's trying out, but she's been creeping on 9th gen (Riho in particular) ever since they joined... Honestly speaking, it seems a lot more realistic than most of the fabricated implied lesbian relationships in H!P (Matsuura and Fujimoto pops to mind).

I think UFA made a mistake in naming Dream Morning Musume. Would you rather watch ~*~*Dream*~*~ Morning Musume, or boring old vanilla REGULAR Morning Musume? I'm also kind of tired of UFA trying to cash in on nostalgia. But that's a whole different rant.

I didn't start REALLY paying attention to the kids until 2009. I've been a fan since 2002, so I watched as they joined... And were given horrible songs. The first time I noticed them was while watching a Pucchi Best dvd that had recently come out. It had 21ji made no Cinderella on it. I was bored to tears and automatically brushed off the rest of the kids until I started casually following them in 2007 when Tokaikko Junjou came out. I regret not paying attention to them earlier; I missed them growing up because I was too busy being a stubborn ~Morning Musume purist~.

Maki Goto couldn't even begin to grasp the intricacies of "Akai Nikkichou". When they did the shuffle special, it showed her struggling with the tenderness of the song at such a young age. She sang it poorly, and Tsunku chided her-- but the recorded version sounds no different than after he chided her! Proof that she only had the most lines because she was popular.

I feel like there is SO MUCH HATRED in the H!P fandom, and 80% of it is caused by the foreign teenage girls.

Ever again?

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:00:00 -0500

(I realized this journal is disturbingly without updates, so I decided to throw something on here. For those not up to speed: my mother has left her abuser of 15 years. I'm 21. My father got me when I was 11~12. If you do the math, you'll figure out my brother and I had to live with him for quite awhile, too.

By the way, I don't enjoy talking about this. It wasn't a 'relief' to get it all out. In fact, it made me physically sick to dwell on it enough to write it. But, these things need to be said.)

I just had a nightmare where Steve and I were little kids, running from Grandma's house because of the terror that is Tim. No matter how much we ran, we just couldn't get away. I think that is a good metaphor for the living hell we were put through as children.

Children don't get to choose where they live. They don't get the choice of running away-- they have to do what their parents say. And what do you do when all your parent wants is to stay with the abusive, terrorizing asshole, with seemingly no care or abandon for her children? Absolutely *nothing*. You can't do anything; you're a child! You're trapped in this world.

I feel like that dream was reminding me that it's not over yet, at least for my mom. It has been over for me since around 2001 or 2002, when dad got custody of us. Thankfully, he didn't take mom's advice and just "forget about the kids". If we hadn't have had him being proactive and taking custody, the nightmare wouldn't have ended until we were old enough to escape. It would have been a mandatory sentence to stay another six years-- something that I, personally, could not have taken.

I harbor a lot of bitterness and anger for my mother for putting us through this. I know she was blinded by abuse and alcohol, but that is no excuse for putting your children through it. We were human beings, something I think she forgot along the line. Even though we were young back then, we were forced to grow up at a disturbingly young age. Even the psychologist said it in those papers-- "They need to learn how to be kids and let their guard down".

It's not surprising that the psychologist would say something like this. We always had our guard up, because it was impossible to not be guarded when we lived with a terrorist. This is a man who thought it was okay to beat our mother up in front of us. A man who is obviously mentally unwell, for whatever reason (I really don't care why, honestly.)

Let me briefly tell you about one little night in what Steve and I had to come up with. I remember it well: it was towards the end of the nightmare, because we were living in Riverside, at the house that was on top of the garage. Steve and I sat in absolute fear as the terrorist chased our mother around the house with a crowbar. Our mother had hidden his gun from him, underneath his car seat, and I believe he was trying to figure out where his gun was.

Does this scream 'normal' childhood to anyone? Probably not. But the answer from us as kids probably would have been 'yes'-- This was our reality. I don't know why I remembered this night in specific, because they were pretty much all like that. Our reality was waking up every day and escaping to school, and then coming back home to someone who terrorized for fun. Even if we tried to hide away in our rooms, he would come and find us. Whether it was to bang on bongos, or to drag us out to the living room to listen to the blasting music, or try to get us to drink at age 10 or 11... We never got a moment of peace.

Unless we were with our dad.

Our dad was the only moment of peace that we were afforded. We could go over to his house and just get away from it all. He would take us to the movies or let us play games without worry. We wouldn't have to worry about him getting drunk and wreaking havoc. We could just worry about being kids, and for a minute, we could just be kids.

But then it was all over: once the few days were over, and we had to go back to that household-- back to being adults trapped in the bodies of children, back to putting our guard up and trying to tune things out.

Every negative thing that I am today, that terrorizing has made me: neurotic, lack of coping skills for small things, easily bothered, self-conscious, withdrawn, anti-social, depressed. I cannot stand even the littlest of things bothering me. I think I used up my entire lifetime's worth of "patience" and "tolerance" quota when I lived with tim and mom. Now that I'm an adult, little things get to me a disturbing amount.

All of these things are not a natural state of mind for a person. There's no doubt in my mind that going through that mental abuse while I was a child crafted me into that sort of person.

My father has always been supportive of my brother and I. We are very lucky to have someone who cares as much as he does.

My mother? She might have been blinded by the alcohol and the abuse, but in my mind, that does not absolve her of all responsibility for her actions. She kept us children in a negative and abusive environment. Not only that, but she personally thought it was okay to tell me that it was my fault she was in jail, my fault for everything. When my father wasn't the punching bag, I was.

Why? It doesn't make any sense to me. I have no regrets; I would never do anything differently. Am I sorry for "getting her arrested" at Van Andel Arena? Fuck no! Am I sorry for the "stairs incident"? Hell. No.

I was finally old enough to view and realize the world around me was fucked up, and I was a child doing what I could to get myself and my brother out of a really bad situation. I only have praise for my childhood self; miraculously, I was strong enough to defend myself. To sit in court and testify-- at the age of 11-- against the terrorist who had been living in our house for more than five years at that point... That takes a lot of strength.

All of this comes back to my first point... Children cannot do anything to get themselves out of that sort of situation. No matter how strong, no one is going to take a child seriously without an adult by their side. They need help. I'm eternally indebted to my father for providing that help when we needed it. I'm also indebted to all the social workers who helped us out when we were in need. That kind of help is making me consider going into social work.

But to my mother? I think I'm going to need a little more time to heal. When I was younger, before my mom and dad split up, I used to call her "mama". In my mind, that person, "mama", isn't here anymore.

"Mama" didn't drink and did her best to raise her kids in as positive an environment as possible. "Mama" was still a young mother, untainted by the physical and mental abuse of that terrorist. But... That person hasn't been here since 1995. I'm not sure if that person will ever be back.

Will mom ever be "mama" again? Time has yet to tell.

The Full Only You PV

Thu, 26 May 2011 12:00:00 -0500

My thoughts: The dance is a little boring/noob. The song is amazing as usual, and their outfits are really pretty. I don't like the cheesy overlayed crystal drops. Overall, it reminds me a lot of Hamasaki Ayumi's "JEWEL" pv. I like it a lot. I would like it even more if the dance didn't suck, haha~

New H!P PVs

Wed, 25 May 2011 12:00:00 -0500

Berryz Koubou - Ai no Dangan

It's released with a resounding yawn from me. I was interested for the first minute and a half or so, but admittedly, I tuned out after that. They're working the outfits, but the PV is very one-shot style; there's no variation. That's not unusual for H!P I guess. The song itself isn't bad. I don't think I'll be buying it, personally.

Maeda Yuki - Busan Hatsu

Excellent! Once again, she is showing off her amazing vocal skills. The PV is visually interesting, as opposed to the Berryz PV. I may or may not buy this, depending on my funds. I'd love for Maeda to make more music.

Morning Musume - Only You

Yawwwnnn. Looks like another close up + dance shot mix PV. The outfits are very cute and the members are cute, as usual, but it feels like UFA has completely given up on giving berryz/momusu/c-ute good PVs. I'll still be buying the single seeing as I love the song, but it would be nice to see them put A LITTLE bit of effort in once and awhile. I remember how everyone in 2005 was bitching about how THE Manpower!!! was basically a dance shot, and now it's par for the course. Oh, how the times have changed.

So Cute

Wed, 25 May 2011 12:00:00 -0500

Is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen?

Using L inux

Tue, 24 May 2011 12:00:00 -0500

Lately, I've been using Linux. I haven't been using the noob versions either (Ubuntu, Mint). Actually, I've been using a version that is half noob, half not. It's called Crunchbang Linux. It's pretty much a Debian mod. I thought about installing Debian, but I wanted a faster distro for my laptop, so I installed Crunchbang instead.

It's really cool. I've been taking baby steps towards actually learning how to use Linux rather than just relying on a GUI interface to edit everything. What's cool about Crunchbang is that everything is customizable through basic code. I can customize the taskbar completely, whatever color I want, whatever borders, font, etc. The shell/launcher is where I open up all the programs, and that is fully customizable as well. As someone who loves customization, it's working out great.

It isn't all hand-holding and GUI though. There's also some terminal stuff that is required. I've never seriously used a terminal before I installed Crunchbang. It requires you to use the terminal to update or use a lot of Linux programs. The biggest hurdle I found was trying to install a gelbooru downloader (this one, if anyone's interested). It's entirely command-line based, which was new for me. Everyone has to start somewhere though. I used a guide to help me get it running and I felt really accomplished after I'd finished.

I only have two complaints

Taskbar buttons don't blink, so I had to edit IM windows to steal focus every time I get an incoming IM.
Battery life is dismal compared to Windows 7.

Besides those two issues, it works fine for what I use my laptop for-- browsing the internet, occasionally editing pictures, talking on IM, etc. I will never change my desktop from Windows 7 however. I need games on there!

Morning Musume 10th Gen

Mon, 09 May 2011 12:00:00 -0500

TOO FAST. I can't handle there only being someone in the group for a few months and then announcing a new generation. I realize that Tsunku is trying rly hard to do a golden age of MM again, but... nope, can't do it.

I gotta stop paying attention to Morning Musume for a bit. I'm sorry. I'll still listen to their songs, but C-ute and Berryz Koubou (and to a lesser extent, s/mileage) are my new lovers.

Only You Preview Released

Thu, 05 May 2011 12:00:00 -0500

It sounds really good. It sounds like we're going back to Reina/Ai fest bad ass sounding songs... Which is totally fine with me. It seems like Tsunku was like, "oh, Maji Desu ka Ska! sold like shit, so back to the same ol same ol!" I don't like that Riho has so many lines. She seems like she's being prepped to be Ai-chan version 2, which I really hate.

Oh well... I can deal with the line distribution so long as the songs sound good (which this one does.)

I WAS RIGHT

Wed, 04 May 2011 12:00:00 -0500

The wota are reporting that the line distribution for MM’s 46th single is as follows:

Takahashi Ai : 23 lines
Tanaka Reina : 22 lines
Sayashi Riho : 14 lines
Niigaki Risa : 2 lines
Michishige Sayumi : 2 lines
Mitsui Aika : 2 lines

Which means Mizuki, Erina, and Kanon receive 0 solo lines, and Riho is the only 9th generation member with solos.

I love a chance to gloat, so... I was so fucking right!

(editor note: this linked to a page called "pushing riho" which isn't available on the wayback machine, but i assume i was talking about sayashi riho being pushed in MM)

Chisato was

Mon, 02 May 2011 12:00:00 -0500

Breaking news! Chisato was "fat". Um....Well, I guess it's not really breaking news, considering she wasn't even really fat.

I wish I was as "fat" as that.

The hairstyle is ugly, but still... I can't believe anyone would consider that fat. Apparently she's lost weight, but. I don't know. I don't think these girls should be subjected to pressure to stay underweight. It's just... weird, and the fans clearly don't care: Risako is arguably the most popular member of Berryz Koubou and most people consider her to be 'fat'. So...why the pressure? I don't get it.

How I Got Into H!P

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

In 2002, one of my friends at the time recommended Hamasaki Ayumi. Being young and impressionable, I took pretty much every music recommendation completely seriously and I started getting into this Hamasaki person. After that, I started entering stuff like "jpop" into the KaZaA search engine. I liked some of the stuff I downloaded, some people stayed one-hit-wonders in my mind (like Namie Amuro and her song Alarm--I love that song, but I never could get into Namie.) Some people I was really into at first, and then just sort of stopped (like Nami Tamaki; I watched her video 'Prayer' way too much to be healthy.)

From this random searching, I found BoA. After downloading some BoA songs, I realized I really liked the song Kimochi wa Tsutawaru. I proceeded to download every single file labeled with Kimochi wa Tsutawaru. I found a file called "BoA in elevator with Morning Musume". It was this video-- it had Kimochi wa Tsutawaru live at the end.

Since it was KagoTsuji, I thought it was the most adorable thing ever. I thought Morning Musume was just these two girls, so I searched for Morning Musume on KaZaA. I was surprised when the stuff downloaded, because it wasn't just two girls singing. I found Minimoni and I totally loved them too. I was more into Minimoni than Momusu at first, but gradually I got more interested in Momusu. I listened a lot to golden era Morning Musume, and I know a lot of the b-sides to the earlier singles because they were tagged with "Morning Musume" and I pretty much downloaded every MM song file I could find.

(I also remember having some Ayaka's English Lessons on my computer. I downloaded and watched the Kago ones over and over again. Kago was always my favorite member.)

Those were the dial-up days... So I really replayed the songs that I did manage to download (stuff like Happy Summer Wedding and Koi no Dance Site). When I finally got DSL in January of '05, that was when I started following them more seriously (because I had a DC++ hub full of friends with high def Musume stuff, and I could actually download it faster than one video every two weeks.) I remember THE Manpower!!! being the first high definition PV that I downloaded.

My fandom fades every now and again, but I always come back to H!P. I wonder why that is? Probably because of the music. It certainly isn't much because of the idols... I can't enjoy the full experience. I don't know Japanese well enough to watch every release that comes out (and understand it that well, that is). I'm starting to get more into the idols that actually sing the music, so if you ask me...

2002-2004: Casual listener
2005-2009: Listen for the music
2010-2011: Start to pay attention to the idols

Something like that.

"Only You"

Thu, 28 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

"Only You" is MM's next single. I don't know what style it is, but judging from the outfit, it might be a ballad. There are other blog posts with images, too. As for what I want next in a MM single... well, a ballad would be nice. I wouldn't mind another cool type song, either.

I don't think the song is going to be Maji Desu Ka Ska style, judging by the outfits. But outfits have steered us wrong before. Remember the Aruiteru outfits? Those were about as least feel-good-ballad-y I could think. They seemed more like they were made for the b-side (Morning Curry).

blah

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

The true life episode "I'm Passing As Someone I'm Not" is all sorts of transphobic. The first part of the episode is about a black woman who claims to be costa rican despite not having any costa rican blood whatsoever. She says she does it because being hispanic is "hip" where she lives.

However, the second part of the episode is about someone whose is transgender. Using the theme of the episode, you'd think it was talking about a cross dresser (someone who dressed as a woman despite not identifying as one as all).

However, at the beginning of the episode, Domaine says "I'm a woman trapped in a man's body". That would signify a transgender individual, right? But the entire episode, she says things like she's "deceiving people" and "you don't know the real me". That would suggest that she is just a crossdresser...? Since she is transgender, it's really offensive to say things like "I'm passing as someone i'm not" and "i'm not who you thought i am" the entire episode.

If she was just a crossdresser, it wouldn't be as much of an issue. The problem is, she identifies as a female yet she continues to use language like "I'm not who you thought I am" and "I'm a man".

In the episode, she says she's transgender. Domaine's question answers in this interview show her problematic way of thinking of things. Saying things like "Sooner or later, the world will find out about the real me." (emphasis mine) flat out says that the "real" her is a man. Usually, when one talks about their "real" self, they aren't necessarily talking about their body, they're talking about who they are to the core, especially in the transgender community. When she says "They'll find out about the real me," she's undermining all trans individuals everywhere that struggle to convince people that our gender is the *real* us.

I can understand being nervous about people finding out about having a penis. But the entire episode is filled with problematic language... When coming out, she says "I'm a man. I'm a transgender." The two of those are completely different concepts, and I don't think it's a good idea to make an episode about someone who is confused about terminology.

Also, whoever made that show is super-offensive-man by titling the episode "I'm Passing As Someone I'm Not".

I FOUND C-UTE'S SONG

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

Remember how I was ranting in the last post? I found the song that was supposed to be C-ute's.

It's the b-side to s/mileage's new single!

It's bad ass. What happened? What did C-ute do to get this awesome song taken away from them?

(I'm just joking. This song is awesome, though. Too bad it's the b-side.)

(editor note: i don't know what song this is talking about because the link was dead and too lazy to see what s/mileage was doing at this time period)

Momoiro Sparkling sucks

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

I just want to rant about this piece of crap for a minute.

Go ahead, listen to it. Come back when you're done, I'll wait. ... Done? Okay. Here's my thoughts on it: BIG GIANT PIECE OF CRAP.

I think C-ute was going in the right direction when they released Kiss Me Aishiteru. Chisato gets the most lines... on a really poor song. It doesn't really matter whether she gets the most lines or not if I'm never going to listen to the damn song. I could understand Morning Musume going in this direction. Their average age just got a lot younger. But why is C-ute? Why? There is no particular reason. Their last two singles were their best selling singles, and all of a sudden, Tsunku is shooting himself in the foot again by releasing this ~upbeat genki~ crap.

He always fucking does this. Whenever there's a good single, he completely turns around after that and releases a big giant turd. I just don't understand why C-ute is being reverted back to Shochuu/La La La land? It's not like genki songs sell any better than cool songs...

Sales number comparison

Genki songs

Sakura Chirari 26,595
Meguru Koi no Kisetsu 26,785
LALALA Shiawase no Uta 31,650
Shochuu 33,613
Everyday Zeikkouchou 27,750
Campus Life 23,932

Cool/dance songs

Tokaikko Junjou 38,085
Namida no Iro 33,422
Forever Love 29,144
Bye Bye Bye 27,918
Shock 23,389 (sold poorly because it was an Airi fest, I think)
Dance de Bakoon 23,664
Aitai Lonely Christmas 26,238
Kiss Me Aishiteru 23,648

WTF hybrid songs that I'm just going to leave out:

Edo no Temari Uta II 35,789

Genki song average sales: 28,388
Cool/dance songs average sales: 28,189

They are practically the same, give or take a few hundred copies (which is normal margin of error, I think). I'll be honest, I thought the cool songs sold a lot more, so... I guess I proved to myself that it doesn't matter what style of song it is; it's probably going to sell the same (sadly enough)*

So, what is Tsunku thinking? I have a couple of theories:

Kiss Me Aishiteru was a lot of work to create. He'd rather fall back on something easy now (with less complex instrumental work).
He's not making any more sales from cool songs anyway, so he's not going to go through the effort.
He genuinely thinks that this song will sell big. (Um... generic pop crap? That hasn't sold big since 2000.)
He's going to start converting ALL the groups back to genki in a desperate grab for the golden era.
It costs less to produce a genki song (less to pay the choreographer, mixer, etc.) I don't know about whether that's true or not.
The most likely culprit: It's summer, so he's releasing genki, let's-go-to-the-beach crap.

For the record: I have nothing against this style of song WHEN IT'S DONE WELL. Momoiro Sparkling is both generic and given to the wrong group. Giving a cutesy, upbeat song to C-ute not only undermines all the hard work they've done to be taken as the young women they are, but it also wastes away their dancing and singing talents.

Blah. Here's hoping Berryz' next single is 'cool' style so H!P isn't in a trifecta-of-crap song era.

The crap song funk happened last year around this time, too:

Morning Musume released Seishun Correction (breaking their streak of awesomeness, worst selling single since Mikan in 2007)
C-ute released the borefest that is Campus Life
Berryz released Maji Bomber (worst selling single since 2007)
s/mileage released Ganbaranakutemo Eenende!! (far inferior to Yumemiru 15)
Mano Erina proved to be the exception to the rule and released her best single to date, Onegai Dakara

Let's not repeat last summer, shall we, Tsunku? (Except for the Mano Eri thing. Go ahead and repeat that.)

*(editor note 2025: yes, it sold around the same as everything else in that era: 23,961)

blah blah blah

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

I feel like ranting because... yeah, whatever, I guess. I know everyone's under a lot of pressure, so it feels a little selfish to be complaining, but I'm doing it anyway. I had a couple places that I could have posted this... tumblr is too open and I don't trust my personal diary not to shit out on me and lose important entries. SO. It's going here.

This isn't going to have any coherence or even relatively good transitions. I'm just rambling; I'm not trying to write a paper for English.

I've been having nightmares like crazy lately. Stuff about my mom mostly, but sometimes it's about other stuff. I don't know why, but it drives me batty.

I've been sleeping... so much. Ten, eleven hours a day. It feels kind of like I'm just sort of floating by. Or life is just passing me by. For the past week, I've set my alarm for certain times... and I've woke up about thirty minutes before every time I set my alarm for. Then I'll roll over, and adjust my alarm for another hour. Because of this, I've been way oversleeping.

Life just... slowly passes me by. I find enjoyment in very few things. I wish I could enjoy more things. Everything costs money, though. And I'm not good at anything that wouldn't cost me money. I'd kill to be able to draw well, but it seems that I'm horrible at seeing something and copying it, so I can't learn anatomy well. Singing... just reminds me of my FAAB status. Not to mention any singing projects I'm in love to say "girls" and trigger the shit out of me. And I don't want to say anything, 'cause I don't want to be a burden.

I used to enjoy H!P and stuff like that... But now? I just sort of. I don't even know why I follow it. I don't, really. I check the Hello!Online twitter every so often. It's never news that interests me. It's always rambling on about -group I don't care about is releasing a new single- or -person I don't care about is releasing a new photobook-. Even if I did care as much as I used to, I can't fully participate in the H!P experience because I simply don't have money. I can't wota it up because I'm broke.

All I have is... pirated games and music? Wow. Way to be, you fucking loser. Can't even support your favorite artists or developers. And when you had money, you pissed it away on a computer instead of mental health or physical health or something important. Good going.

I feel like I'm depressed, and no one even knows. I do a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time, but I feel down a lot. Pretty much constantly. I feel happy sometimes, but most of the time it's just washed away in sadness. I'm starting to wonder if I bring it upon myself... Or if I'm just being over dramatic.

My dad always is quick to remind me that I'm over dramatic. Whenever I ever complain about something, he says I'm being over dramatic. Yet he tries to say that he's there to listen to me...? Yeah, right. I don't even want to know his reaction when he finds out I'm trans. OMG ATTENTION HORE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He's fucking horrible for even pretending to care about my problems. If he doesn't consider them to be problems, it's easier to just ridicule me.

Sometimes, I just want to cry. Sometimes, I just want people to listen to me cry and tell me that I'm not over reacting. And I do have a few friends that do that for me.

But I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this... It's not my friends/family's fault. I feel if I talked to anyone, they would just tell me I was being over dramatic. I'm always feeling like a burden, but especially lately. I feel like I'm just an annoyance in everyone's life... and talking about my problems would just be more of an annoyance. I know it's probably not true, but whenever I talk to someone, I can practically feel their annoyance with me. Like, I'm just wasting their time. I wouldn't blame anyone if they felt that way, but constantly feeling like this is seriously taking a drain on me. I don't like even asking people questions because I feel like I'm wasting their time.

But when was the last time I had a hug? I can't even remember. Maybe six months ago, when I was moving out from my dad's at first?

I'm so flaky. I can't ever choose one thing or the other. I always do things for a little bit of time, and then I move on to something else. I couldn't even hold a job down for a month. And then I moved in with Amanda for a month, then I came back. I get interested in things and then I quickly lose interest. I'm jealous of people who can have interests for more than a month or two.

What makes me feel the worst is complaining about money problems-- especially when I know people have it worse. Just... It's about to get a lot worse now that Amanda doesn't have food stamps. That's all there is to it. This stupid fucking horrible country. I fucking hate it.

I feel so worthless right now. I have for the past few months. I feel like I'm tipping over the edge of desperation, and I don't even know why. I don't even have it that bad. I have friends and family that love me, a steady home, and I'm working on bettering myself in college. So why do I feel so helpless and useless? I don't want to sound emo-- well, you know what. Fuck it. This is my journal, and whoever doesn't like it can bite me. I'm just going to write what I want.

I feel like self-reflection brings a tidal wave of guilt and unhappiness. I realize how fucking useless I am, and how god damn insignificant my life is-- and it fucking sucks. I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is offering to help me out of this incoming tsunami of self-hatred and depression.

And it's not even their fault. My friends and family don't even know. I won't let them help me. When I was a child, I had to do everything for myself. I'm so used to doing everything for myself, I don't like seeking help. I always chant to myself, "I'll be okay. I'll be fine. It's not a big deal." It's like a fucking ritual with me. It's like I have too much pride to admit "I might not be fine. This might not be okay. The quality of my life is hurting and upsetting me."

I have trouble admitting when something is a big deal. I don't know why. If it's something someone did to me, it's probably because I don't want them to feel bad about it. If it's something that just happened, I don't want people to tell me I'm over reacting.

Maybe it's because I was always praised for being so mature when I was a kid. When I refused to get in the car when my mother was drunk (which consequently led to her arrest), people around me told me, "Wow. You are so mature." And a lot of people who knew what my childhood was like tell me that I am really strong and mature for not having anything wrong with me.

ALL THEY ARE DOING IS VALIDATING MY CHOICE TO HIDE MY MENTAL PROBLEMS. And I write this, and I know it's wrong to try to hide them. But somewhere, there's a disconnect. I blame it on lack of money, but when I had money, I didn't get help. Why? Maybe I like people thinking I'm strong. I'm just a weak, weak person that crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure. I don't want people to know that.

I think my hypersensitivity to things that some people can take (like the music blasting next door...) is actually because I'm depressed and hypersensitive.

I'm not even a little independent. And that is killing me, too. All I can do is drive by myself. Big fucking deal. I'm still sucking from my dad's paycheck for gas money. I'm still a fucking child, that's all I am.

I don't want to take these things out on the people around me. I feel that sometimes, I do. I don't want to. I just wish I knew exactly what was wrong.

I'm a negative, horrible person. I'm bossy and I'm bitchy. I'm nitpicky. I'm quick to tell someone to do something, but slow to do it myself. Which also makes me a hypocrite. I can practically feel people avoiding me so they don't get sucked into my vortex of negativity and depression. "No one wants to be around a negative person!" (Thanks for that complex, Supervision class.)

I just want to cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need help. Please, someone help me.

Blonde Takahashi

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

She looks so much more fabulous like this. My god. I am so jealousss. I wish she would have had this hair throughout all of her time in H!P!

Happy late birthday, Risako

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

Happy birthday, Risako! Well, her birthday was technically yesterday, but. I never will pass up an opportunity to put a nice picture of her on here! She's looking very natural and pretty here, and I love this image~ So happy birthday! Enjoy it <3

(editor note: picture lost to time)

LJ App for iPod Touch

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 11:00:00 -0600

So Uh. The livejournal app for iPod touch is pretty solid. I'm not sure why it has such poor reviews in the app store. I guess because it's like a basic note screen? I'll have to go read the reviews after this to see what people are complaining about.

Though knowing lj I'm surprised there aren't any ads on this.

Oh and just so this entry has a little substance: I finished my excel/access/word torture classes today. Now whether I passed or not... I don't know. The grading system is mysterious and since I have only seen the teacher's many teaching aids, I'm not entirely sure he even exists.

It's gonna suck going back to school though. Especially when my first class is with a horrible teacher that manages to make me hate something that, under normal circumstances, I love. :c

oh wow this is super late

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 11:00:00 -0600

I should check LJ more often. Still doing new years survey thingie. BECAUSE I WANT TO. JEEZ

2010

Name: Nathaniel
Screen name: vanillainfused/magneticdeath
Current location: Watervliet, Michigan
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Sign: Gemini [fuck yeah twins]

2010 In The Beginning......

Where did you ring in the New Year? Home
Who were you with? Think it was just me in 2010
Did you kiss anyone at midnight? ;_; no
Did you make any resolutions? No
If so did you keep them? lol

2010 Your Love Life....

Single/Taken? Taken~
How many relationships did you have? Just the one
How many break ups? None
How many people did you kiss? None

2010 Friends and Enemies......

Did you meet any new friends this year? Not really
Did any of your friendships end? They come and go
Did you dislike anyone? Yep
Did you get into any fights? Yeah
Did you make any new enemies? Dunno, probably not
Did you resolve any fights? Short-term ones
Who was your closest friend? Without a doubt it was/is Julie

2010....The Holidays!

Did you have a Valentine? See above question
Did the Easter bunny visit you? Dad is the easter bunny and he brings Easter chocolate cheer
Did watch fireworks on the 4th of July? No
Did you dress up for Halloween? Yeah, Hannibal. Lazy costume though, just the mask
What did you do for Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing
Did you receive what you wanted? Didn't really want much haha
Were you good this holiday season? I've been a very naughty boy~ (lol)

2010 Your BIRTHDAY!!!

How old did you turn? 20
Did you have a cake? No
What did you do for your birthday? Went out to eat
Did you have a party? No
Did you get any presents? Couple :D

2010......The Memories and Accomplishments!

Funniest Memory? I can't single one out...
Saddest Memory? Dunno if I've had something bad enough to say 'saddest'. Not like anyone died, right
Most Embarrassing Memory? I hardly get embarrassed anymore lol
Best Accomplishment? Beginning college (does that count), getting myself unafraid of driving, honors GPA

2010.....FAVORITES!

Favorite TV shows? The Office
Favorite songs? Master of Puppets by Metallica (same old same old)
Favorite bands? Metallica, anything H!P
Favorite food? Lasagna. 2010 was year of the lasagna. <3
Favorite stores? I don't shop that much
Favorite restaurants? Any really
Favorite piece of clothing? Bad ass t-shirts (vidya gaems, Metallica)

2010.....All about YOU....

Did you change at all this year? Yes
Did you dye your hair? Highlights
Did you get your hair cut? Yes (need a new one too)
Did you change your style? Yes
Were you in school? Yes
Did you have a job? For like two seconds
Did you drive? Yes!! And it's a huge accomplishment that I finally am not afraid anymore
Did you own a car? Yes, 1994 Mitsubishi Galant (Maroon)
Did you lose anyone this year? No
Did anyone close to you give birth? No
Did you move at all? No
Did you go on any vacations? Lol yeah right
Did you leave the country at all? No
Would you change anything about yourself now? Not really

2010.....Wrap Up.

Was 2010 a good year? Yes
Do you have any regrets? I think I did some stupid things, however, I don't regret because it's best to focus on the future rather than on the past
Did 2010 bring any new insights? Some...
Do you think 2011 will top 2010? Probably not, lol. Wake me up when 2012 rolls around~
Do you have any goals for 2011? Get an iPod touch (lol). Also cram as many classes as I can into each semester so I can get school done and over with
If you could relive any moment which would you choose? Don't really have a particular one
If you could forget any moment what would it be? Quite a few. Depression, arguments, etc.
Do you wish 2010 wouldn't end? No. Then I would *never* graduate
Do you plan to do anything special for NYE 2010? Oops. Didn't do anything anyway, lol

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
-College
-Bought *my own* car
-Moved out of my dad's (even though it only lasted like a month)
-Turned into not-a-teenager!
-Gambled at the casino
-Wore a binder
-Probably lots more, I just don't remember

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and no. I don't need the new year to have goals~

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
I'm going to have to ask your lazy ass to scroll up and read my previous answer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
lol u funny

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A dick. (Wishful thinking, yo)

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not a good 'dates' person

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Scroll up and read somewhere up there

9. What was your biggest failure?
Quitting my job. (but it led to college, so. not that bad)
Also being a jackass to Julie. Sorry bb

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My pool injury! Haha (a little cut i got playing pool). Nothing serious though

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my car. It's been the most useful at least.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Julie - Graduating HS and joining college
My dad - Got a job
Amanda - Switched her degree into something she will actually enjoy
Steve - Got a job (though he doesn't have one now)
There's probably more, just don't remember

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to list

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New MM members, getting lots of money in October 2010

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
4minute - HUH (the song Amanda was playing when 2010 ended)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened? happier- i'm actually doing something for my future (college)
ii. thinner or fatter? feel thinner, but in reality, the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably poorer because i'm actually in debt now. lol

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Having actual fun and not wasting time (but most of the time that requires money)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing. And studying (turns out I didn't need it)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I never really celebrate Christmas

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
You're like, 2 years late, survey

23. Any one-night stands?
Haha no

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office (again.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book you read?
Me, read books? u funnie

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Korean pop

28. What did you want and get?
Money lol

29. What did you want and not get?
flag in my arms hngggh

30. Favorite film of this year?
Saw too many to pick

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
20, went out to eat (already answered this too)

32. What kind of things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Lazy (as usual)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Koharu Kusumi, maybe. (you are missed from MM ;~;)

36. What political issues stirred you the most?
A bunch. Politics generally irritates me because people are stupid

37. Who do you miss?
Steve (actually seeing him rather than talking to him online)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet new people rly

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Sometimes you don't always know what you want, but everything will work out in the end

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
(lol)

haven't updated in a while

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 12:00:00 -0500

i haven’t updated in awhile, and unfortunately i’m about to go to school so i can’t update now. however i will leave you with a promise that i’ll update later, and a strange tidbit of my dream last night: my mom was chasing me around with a needle, trying to vaccinate me. ??

anyway, i’ll update later~

hey

Sat, 19 Jun 2010 12:00:00 -0500

so I'm not dead! Actually just had a birthday a few days ago. Had a month-long stay at Amanda's, moving back. Enrolled in college. Actually, that's a lot of new information. I really need to update this thing more properly when I have the time. D:

embarking

Sat, 15 May 2010 12:00:00 -0500

i haven't updated this in a year, i know. it doesn't matter though. it's a private journal and i can update it when i want.

i quit my job at wal-mart and will be going to college at kvcc. this is a new journey for me. it's something i feel i have to do, even though people might not understand it.

i think i'll enjoy my new freedom. a lip piercing, maybe a tattoo. and i'll be able to see flag in the winter time. that will be absolutely amazing and make everything worth it. even though i'll be in debt, i don't even care. it's worth it.

orientation

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:00:00 -0500

So… I had Wal-mart cashier orientation from 1-5 today. It was just the beginning, I guess I’m actually doing the computer questions tomorrow, and then maybe register practice on Sunday, and then start work on Monday? That’s not exactly what they told me, I’m just guessing about that but that makes sense.

I got there about a half hour early and sat waiting. There were 6 people besides me; 3 girls and 4 guys. When we went into the room, we got nametags. I had trouble finding the letter “A” so it took me five minutes just to wait for people to get finished with the new sheet. After that, we were lectured about some of the rules.

Some interesting things to note, that I learned:
- I’ll be promoted to permanent after three months if I don’t suck total ass
- The uniform is basically just a navy blue shirt (any style) and brown pants (any style)
- We get three days of unexplained absence before we’re fired. The lady said it was pretty much impossible to get fired unless you REALLY tried. They give you so many strikes.
- I’ll probably be working during the day because the garden center closes at 9pm

Then, we went out and took a small tour of the place. I’m just glad I’m not working in the back because it is HUGE and very confusing in the back. I found out that I’m going to be working basically in a greenhouse, which is going to SUCK ASS in the middle of June. I’m seriously going to be sweating.

After that, we went back into the training room and watched two of the most boring videos in existence. The first one was talking about how AMAZING it was to be a ~Wal-mart Associate~ (they call them Associates, not Employees) and then talked about how they have some “Open Door” policy where you can talk to anyone in management for whatever reason at any time. They said it wasn’t necessary to form a union because of this. Made me roll my eyes, but whatever. It was only 5 minutes long.

The next video was 20 minutes long, and considering the subject matter, that was excruciatingly long. The subject matter was… proper procedure for cleaning up spills. A 20 minute video about just that. I was pretty much falling asleep during it. I could see some guy texting even though the person specifically said not to.

After that, we played a really dumb board game. Basically everyone was rolling our eyes at how ridiculous it was. By the end of it, we weren’t even reading the “chance” cards that were supposed to teach us about customer service. We were just trying to get through it.

Then we were given a packet. We were supposed to run around the store finding things. I ended up going with the other Lawn & Garden cashier they hired. This was probably one of the most informative things I did, but not because of the packet. It was more because we stopped into the lawn & garden section and asked the woman who worked there how it was. Learned a few things there too:

- She started 2 weeks ago, but she’s gotten 40 hours even though she’s supposed to be ‘temp’
- It’s slow right now but it’s supposed to get busier during summer
- What you do during slow time is basically fix the way stock looks, clean up, and water plants

After that, we were released and I was told I had to come back at 1-5pm. Then I hopped over to Goodwill to buy myself at least one uniform for work. Ended up being $8, just a blue shirt and brown pants.

/edit, last part deleted because I misunderstood my dad. He only expects me to save 400-500 a month which gives me 300 to basically do whatever I want. I hope….

Because kissing ass doesn't work anymore.

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 12:00:00 -0500

I woke up today to this PM:

"If you're receiving this message, I regret to say that you did not pass the auditions for Generation 5 of Hana Project.

It was a very difficult decision in the end, and even more than with Round 1 we had to nitpick like crazy to come up with our final nine Gen 5 members. Some of you getting this PM are absolutely fantastic vocalists, and I don't want you to think for a second that we didn't choose you because we don't recognize your vocal ability. When I said that the auditions are 10% vocals and 90% everything else, it was truer than ever this time around. We had to narrow it down in the end to the girls who we felt this time fit the best with us in all respects.

It was very close and I sincerely hope that all of you will audition next time around. You made a huge accomplishment getting to Round 2 in the first place, and if you got there, we feel very strongly about your voice already.

Feel free to hang around the forums for as long as you like. Coming to know all of you has been awesome and we'd hate to lose touch.

Good luck to everyone for next time, and thank you for auditioning!

` Sayuri"

I didn't get into HanaProject. Which means I pretty much just wasted two months kissing ass. Yes, I was kissing ass. I didn't say ANYTHING negative to the leader. Every dub was commented with "omg this is awesome! so good desu!" even though, for the most part, I heard lots of flaws in everything. And I'm a bitch. Trust me, it pains me to be completely nice 100% of the time for 2 whole months.

I was probably put through to the second round to avoid drama, in fact. I know for a fact that there was another auditioner that was put through to avoid drama, so I could see that happening with me too. But if that was the case, why bother? If they didn't want me, then they shouldn't have let me in to round 2. I could have not done an interview and not done lines, then.

You know what's fucked up? HALF of the people in round 2 got in. Yup. 9 people. The difference between me and the other people who didn't get in? THEY DIDN'T WASTE TWO FUCKING MONTHS KISSING ASS.

I want to know why I didn't get in, but I'm not going to ask. Considering I got past the first round, it was either the fact that they didn't like my voice, or they didn't like my interview. I'm pretty sure I answered the interview questions 'correctly', or as correctly as I could have. Apparently my personality wasn't 'up to snuff' enough for them, so.

I dunno. I guess I'm just butthurt because I was confident I'd get let in. This is just another disappointment. I didn't get the job, I didn't get the part in HanaProject, etc. Life is pretty much disappointment after disappointment for me; I should just start getting used to it.

In other news, a completely random blogger reviewed a few of my dubs: MY BOY and Pira! Otome no Negai. Pretty strange. She was nice, but it's not enough to make me feel better.

stealing.

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:00:00 -0500

I really hate how people say that if you download an album and don't buy it, you're "stealing profits" from the record company. Or, more accurately, they point the finger and yell "THIEF!"

In order to steal something, it has to be a commodity. If I went into Best Buy and stole an iPod, I would be robbing them out of $300 profits. I'd be stealing from them. But mp3s are not stealing because they are not a commodity. Mp3s can be replicated however many times. It's sharing, not stealing.

Then RIAA or whatever tries to say they stole "potential profit". Wtf? The record companies assume that 1 illegal download = 1 lost sale. But that's not necessarily true. How many times have people downloaded music and absolutely hated it? I know I have. I'm not going to run out and buy an album that I hate. Just because someone downloads something doesn't necessarily mean they would have bought it if the internet wasn't around. The "potential profit" argument is bullshit.

I do agree that, morally, if you have the money and listen to the album often, you should buy it. I would buy all the albums I listen to often if I actually had ANY spare money, and actually plan on doing so once I get a job. Dad's like "why would you do that? you have them on the computer." but I really want to support the artist, plus I like having the physical CD.

I just don't think that we should be buying CDs we haven't even tried. Why would you run out and buy a CD if you'd never heard the tracks? What if it totally sucks? That doesn't seem like a good way to spend money. Not to mention, buying a crappy CD is encouraging the people who make the music to make more like that, at least in the case of UFA and other profit-hungry organizations.

And honestly? H!P fans are screaming "Buy the album! Support MoMusu!", but honestly? It's very, very mediocre to me. I'm not going to spend hard earned money on an album that doesn't absolutely captivate me.

Guess I'm just a con artist.

bitch, whine, and complain

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 11:00:00 -0600

looking back at my previous entries, the rare few times that i *DO* update (one a month at the most), all i do is bitch on this thing lololol

well, bitching and surveys. I HAVE A SURVEY I'M GOING TO DO LATER SO LOOK FORWARD TO IT!

but seriously. i need to update with like... life stuff. i haven't updated in forever, even though nothing new is really going on with my life...

i'm half in a band and my brother moved out, i guess that's something. the empty bedroom is so weird, and we're cleaning up all the stuff. the house is practically getting emptied, which i prefer. i haaaaate clutter, which is why i hate staying in a room that's like, 6 feet by 15 feet. CLAUSTROPHOBIAAAA

oh well, not much i can do about it. i might steal the bigger bedroom in a few months since steve isn't staying there anyway and my dad sleeps on the couch due to lack of extra bed.

inappropriate response

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 11:00:00 -0600

i was playing an online pictionary game with a person who i thought was my friend. i've known him for a few years.

it basically went down like this:

him: *draws horribly malformed picture* (looks like this)
me: *going by the clue of _h_ ___t ___pp_r, i guess "the last popper?" keep in mind his NEW FRIEND DESU guessed "the last runner" and didn't get shit for it*
him: omg. you are so stupid.
me: ...stop making fun of me
-game continues on, a bit later-
him: your guesses are so dumb, it's hard not to make fun of you!
me: i'm still winning, lol (i had 10 wins, he had 3)
him: omg, big deal, amber. 10 gold medals in an online game. get a life, you fat fuck. (almost a direct quote)

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER.

(god forbid i can't make out his horribly, horribly shitty excuses for 'drawings', amirite?)

understandably, i left. i just said "i'm leaving" and closed out.
he IMs me saying "why'd you leave?" and i just said "because you're an ass. going to bed. night."

SERIOUSLY? is he that stupid? (it doesn't surprise me)

i tried to keep my response game-related. even though he was calling me stupid, all i pointed out was that my 'stupid guesses' were winning the game. then he got all butthurt and decided to make a personal jab at me. AND HE STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT HE DID WRONG. i even asked him to stop earlier in the game because i know how petty/bitchy/catty he can get (worst than any girls i've ever met)

i didn't start calling him stupid. i didn't call him slightly less fat than me but still massive (his bmi is TWO points lower). i didn't say he was a tease for so deliberately flirting with someone when he already had a boyfriend. i didn't say he's a spoiled little rich kid who gets whatever he wants when he cries to mommy about it. all of these are true, but i knew the realm of appropriate response was game trash talking him back.

making an already stressed out supposed "friend" cry through making fun of them ftw, i suppose. i was so upset/shocked because i didn't think it was going to go that way, and i thought he was my friend. i usually don't expect that kind of behavior/talk from someone i consider to be my 'friend', so the tears were just as much out of shock as they were out of upsetness.

i have asked him and everyone else not to call me by my real name and he deliberately started calling me by it when he was pissed. most likely? i cried because of someone calling me by my name rather than the fat thing. i'm secure in my fatness but at the moment i am NOT secure in my gender and calling me by my name really, really bothers me. yes, to the point where i will burst into tears when referred to as 'amber', and the female pronoun is getting that way too. way to be, asshole.

he's going to have to apologize big time if he wants to keep my friendship, and even then? he's going to be on thin ice for a LONG TIME. he's officially jumped from 'friend i can trust with secrets who will never deliberately hurt me' to 'guy i kinda know that i talk to sometimes that i wouldn't trust as far as i can throw'.

good luck climbing back up there, man. it took you years before, and it's going to take you even longer now.

another survey

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0600

Name: [REDACTED]
Straight/gay/bi? It’s complicated. I guess effectively gay, but technically pansexual.
Single? Nope, and I wouldn’t give her up for the world ♥
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Height? 5’2’‘
Eye colour: Green
Happy with it? Actually, I’d rather them be blue. I’ve always wanted blonde hair and blue eyes, but I can’t stand contacts so I can’t help that.
Pets? A gecko named Mitsuo
Piercings? My ears, if they’re even still pierced. They’re probably closed up~ I want to get my lip pierced as well, just haven’t gotten around to it.
Tattoos? Nope. Still considering whether I want one or not… Probably will be considering it for quite a few years. I’m not in a hurry to go ink my skin permanently.
Obsessions? Metallica, Hello!Project, facebook games/ragnarok/games in general, computer

What is the compliment you get most from people? That I have nice eyes, oddly enough. I remember someone once told me that I have “perfect” lips, as in they’re not too Angelina Jolie thick and they aren’t paper thin.
Can you sing? I’d like to think so.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? There are a lot of things I know that I could improve upon, personality-wise. As for physically, I like myself pretty much fine.
What do you like the most about your body? My face.
And the least? Hm.. my weight, maybe? Even though I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago.

DO YOU?
- Smoke? Nope
- Do drugs? Nope
- Read the newspaper? No, just digg.com haha
- Pray? Nope
- Go to church? Nope
- Talk to people even though you hate them? I don’t “hate” people, so this is a fundamentally flawed question. But if I need to talk to someone I dislike, I won’t let my feelings come in the way. But if I don’t have to, then no
- Drive? I can, but I don’t
- Like to drive fast? Naw, I’m pretty much like an old lady
- Like your voice? Not really. I think I sound incredibly nerdy. It’s not as bad when I’m just talking, but when I hear a recording of myself it’s really noticable. Even my singing voice sounds weird to me.
- Hurt yourself? Nope

HAVE YOU EVER?

- Been out of the country? Once… I went to Canada when I was 7. That’s it. We don’t really have the funds to do stuff like that, and even if we did, my dad has a “why leave America?” attitude so I’d probably have to go with my grandma
- Had sex? Yes
- Been in love? Yes
- Had a surgery? Yup.. when I was three, I was rocking on a rocking chair in the garage. I rocked too far and fell back and split my head open.
- Ran away from home? Hmm… depends on the definition. One time, my dad got REALLY drunk and started punching stuff, so I ran away to Amanda’s that night, but that was the only time. (Last time he got drunk too)
- Been so drunk that you know you’re supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can’t remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath? Uh… Just read the previous question’s answer and take a guess as to whether I can stand alcohol or not.
- Thought about suicide? Yes
- Talked on the phone all night? Yes. Actually I talk with Amanda on skype all night almost every day
- Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? Yes, when I was little we used to go camping with Danny and Caleb.
- Killed someone? …
- Had sex with a stranger? No…
- Thought you’re going crazy? Sometimes I still do, haha
- Kissed the same sex? Nope
- Done anything sexual with the same sex? Not yet
- Stolen anything? Hm… a few times stand out to me. Once, when I was really little, I took a strategy guide for Diddy Kong Racing from the store (so it was probably 1997, so I was 7). I didn’t know that they cost money. Also, when I was 14 or something, I stole a can of cheese from the dollar store just to see if I could get away with it.
- Been on radio/TV? Nope
If I were a month I would be: Probably December. Start off as warm, but turn very cold near the end. Hahah.
If I were a day of the week I would be: Tuesday. I’m very boring and not really renowned for anything.
If I were a time of day I would be: 4am.
If I were a planet I would be: Pluto…oh wait
If I were a direction I would be: West
If I were a liquid I would be: Flavored water…
If I were a flower/plant I would be: Rose, insert cliche with thorns, etc.
If I were an animal I would be: A dog… dumb and loyal.
If I were a color I would be: Gray
If I were a fruit I would be: Strawberry
If I were an element I would be: Wind
If I were a food I would be: Beef jerky lols
If I were a place I would be: Alaska?
If I were a body part I would be: DICKS

subjectless (which is technically a subject)

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0500

survey I got from flag

1. If you could change something about me, what would it be?
Um, I would change it so you lived next to me. Is that even a valid answer? I don't think there's really anything else that I would want to change. I'm not the type of person that wants to make others change, anyway, if you changed any it would be weird because you wouldn't really be the same flag? If that makes sense at all. /cop-out

2. What are your greatest hopes for the future?
I don't really think about the future that much honestly. I just deal with things day-by-day, which is probably why I'm an unemployed loser at the moment. But ultimately, I'd like to become a chef of some kind, preferably a pastry chef. That's always been my dream and will probably always be my dream. I want to make sweet stuff. Pretty weird dream for someone so MANRY but I want to make really pretty cakes and stuff like that. I also have really, really unattainable and unrealistic dreams, like joining Morning Musume or being a roadie for Metallica. Or even singing for a living. Things like that just aren't possible, obviously.
I'll just follow you wherever you want to go. I have no preference as to location or that, so long as I'm by you.

3. If you had a son, what would you name him? What about a daughter?
Um, I've used all my favorite names in rp. Would it be weird if I said those? If so, then I'd choose Bruce/Jason/Xander/Lucian/Noah for a male, and Celeste/Sapphire/Rosabella/Adrianne/Natasha for a girl. Yeah, I know, a lot of options, and I've thought about it a lot. I really like the ending sound "n" for a male for some reason, and I like more feminine names for girls. My all time favorite names are probably Julian and Arianna, and that wasn't affected by the rp either-- the other way around actually. I've had a list of baby names for three or four years, and those are just the outstanding ones... the ones that stood the test of time and I still really love after a few years.

4. What's your ideal band? What combination of sounds makes it ideal?
Metallica (and I love you for giving me an excuse to write about this)

The reason I love Metallica so much is because of the musical quality they put on the table. I can't really like a band unless they're nearly perfect, so they have to be very sharp musically as well as good with lyrics and such. I can't respect a band at all if they just scream in their lyrics, but Metallica actually has a fairly good singer which makes listening to it the best. All in all, I'm a choir geek so I appreciate singing more than anything, which is why I like other bands like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest as well.

But um, just using the song Master of Puppets as an example. It has tight drums with fills exactly where they need to be, a bass line that isn't just phoning-it-in same-note-500-times-in-a-row thanks to Cliff Burton's musical genius. The fact that there are two guitarists allows for guitar harmony in the middle which is probably one of my favorite elements that Metallica tends to incorporate into their music. The guitars are very metal and have good riffs even though they're not playing a million miles an hour. The lyrics are incredibly catchy and introspective-- it's referring to drugs, and this was probably a time when they were addicted to drugs so I'm sure they know what they're talking about. My favorite part of this particular song is the break-down in the middle because it really gives the song a chance to build back up. Even though it sounds like a whole new song, it still goes with the general theme of the entire composition. I like this song especially because James actually has the first guitar solo, even though it's slow it still shows the expertise that is required to write most of the riffs like he does. And after that, there's the "master! master!" part which is awesome live. Then Kirk comes in with the second solo which is understandably fast and always full of whammy haha. My only complaint is that the song seems a tad bit long which is why it's only my #2 favorite song, just behind Creeping Death.

But going back to the live part, Metallica was born a live band and will always be a live band. A lot of songs are "audience participation songs" where the audience yells and their 30 years of live performance experience really shows. They have great stage charisma which is also a big part of a band to me. They could be the most musically talented band in the world, but if they have poor stage charisma, they'll quickly get boring. You can only listen to the CDs so many times before getting curious and going to look at them live and seeing how horribly they fail, etc. It's part of the reason why I'm not as big of an Iron Maiden fan as I used to be. Their CDs are really good but in my opinion they really fall flat when it comes to being live.

Another big part of a band, to me, is how they see themselves. I can't get into Megadeth or Guns n' Roses because they are both filled with big egotistical personalities. Metallica has been nothing but humble and they constantly say they're just like the fans, only they're the ones on stage and if they weren't on stage they'd be out in the audience. This kind of attitude has allowed them to "keep it real" so to say for so many years and is probably one of the reasons they came out on top out of the 4 "fathers of thrash" bands.

The last thing is willingness to experiment. If Metallica made Kill 'em All (their first album) over and over and over again, they'd be like Slayer and I honestly wouldn't be interested in them today. What made them such a great band was the willingness to experiment, which meant putting ballads on their albums. Sometimes they fail (St. Anger sucked) but that willingness to step out of the comfort zone is something that is unparalleled in the metal world. They got a lot of shit for it, but they also sold a fuckton of albums with The Black Album.

But um.. to wrap it up? Good vocals, guitar harmony, drum fills right where they should be, lyrics that aren't run-of-the-mill, excellent bass lines, great charisma, good personality, and willingness to experiment are all things that I look for in a rock band. There are also other things I'm sure, like the tonality of the equipment, but it's not as important as the other stuff.

I could get started on why I like Morning Musume as well, but I've already written too much for this question so just remind me if you're interested and I'll write later. Basically, the perfect pop/Morning Musume song to me is nanchatte renai.

5. Coke or pepsi? this question is legit
I don't drink pop that much anymore, but I will always choose Pepsi over Coke. Coke is not sweet enough for me. But these days I probably couldn't be able to tell the difference anyway. I also like Pepsi because they've publicly donated to gay rights funds so it feels morally right supporting them. But I like most pop, the only one I won't drink is Dr Pepper.

Microblogs - October 2009

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-10-04 10:49 PM: What happened to "I love you"? Did I do something wrong tonight?

2009-10-03 12:26 PM: the most obvious of obvious gay guys in high school that were in the closet added me and apparently he's going out with a guy, not surprised

2009-10-02 10:42 PM: fuck yeah headache

2009-10-01 7:11 AM: fuckin bedtime

Microblogs - September 2009

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-09-30 2:49 AM: seriously need to get out of this house and dad's "because I'm 40, I'm superior to you" thoughts.

2009-09-27 10:49 PM: what the heck flag

2009-09-26 11:00 PM: it's officially the day cliff died. 23 years. RIP ;~;

2009-09-26 10:20 PM: project runway owns

2009-09-25 10:27 PM: good to hear your voice again flag~

2009-09-25 3:21 AM: a lot of things happened today, so I'm gonna go sleep and try to wind down a little bit.

2009-09-24 1:34 AM: Yup. I officially don't give a fuck anymore.

2009-09-16 2:55 PM: the person that was supposed to be getting a hold of me "like, totally didn't have any time this week!" what bs.

2009-09-15 11:56 AM: yay yay diet breakthrough

2009-09-14 9:07 AM: dreams where you know you're in a dream are weird

2009-09-13 10:01 PM: everyone tonight... sigh

2009-09-13 5:02 PM: throat is feeling a bit better

2009-09-12 11:43 PM: also everyone started naming their little girls isabella lately. fucking twilight. enjoy having to be called by your last initial, ladies

2009-09-12 1:14 AM: i talked to an old friend again <3

2009-09-11 10:39 PM: september 11th means tons of specials about 9/11 on the history channel

2009-09-11 10:11 PM: there's a reason why i don't bother socializing.

2009-09-07 12:01 AM: poor flag////

2009-09-05 2:53 PM: going to go on xbox and re-download some stuff, i'll be back online in a half hour or so

2009-09-05 10:45 AM: slept well

2009-09-03 7:32 PM: diet start~

2009-09-02 3:43 PM: steve got a job orz

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: right bedtime now

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: need to go to bed soon, if i stay up all night steve gets on in the morning and clack-clacks on the keyboard .__.

2009-09-01: playing online bingo, which is strangely addictive

semi-hiatus

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

if my lack of updates is any sort of indication, i’m on a semi-hiatus.

there’s just not a whole lot going on in my life that’s noteworthy, and even if there was, i never think to update my lj with it. i just tell someone about it and move on for the most part.

i’ll most likely still be reading all of your entries, only on more delayed basis and i sure as hell won’t be commenting as much as i used to.

Microblogs - August 2009

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-08-31 11:03 PM: september first. how time flies~

2009-08-31 9:52 PM: girls outside. screaming. what.

2009-08-31 5:20 PM: awake hurray (also, i need to make a list of things to buy in the future)

2009-08-31 5:47 AM: tired of being banned on lunchtimers for no good reason

2009-08-30 4:00 AM: creeped out when people on lj friends list give full detail on their sex lives

2009-08-28 10:24 AM: i wonder how people can find plurk to be 'addictive'

2009-08-25 8:45 PM: sick ;~;

2009-08-23 8:16 PM: should update more often whoops

2009-08-16 3:45 PM: god damn

2009-08-14 11:16 AM: noon, so that's bed time for me

2009-08-03 5:28 PM: happy birthday james hetfield!

So hot.

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0500

For some reason, it's so hot. I'm sweating horribly.

I watched a few animes today. I've always said anime is super homo so I've been trying to prove myself wrong. I began watching Seto no Hanayome and watched through all of Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo. The latter was pretty good but I was horribly disappointed in the ending... I hate it when that happens. That happened with Watchmen too-- the entire movie was awesome then it just shot itself in the foot at the end...

Also, I can't help but think everyone was mad at me today. Everyone I talked to seemed cold and I'm not sure why. I must have inadvertently done something wrong or more likely, it's all in my mind and nothing was wrong at all.

Oh well. I'm gonna go try to get some sleep because I feel sick.

subjectless

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0500

RIP Les Paul :(
He died at the age of 94... so old!

"So freedom is the point? Liberty. America's great and Belgium can eat our nuts. That's patriotism, right? /sarcasm" - Penn

I ♥ you, Penn & Teller. This was about an episode where someone was trying to say that the reason America was great is because it's ~free~ (as if every other country isn't free /s). I think what Penn was getting at is that other places are a lot more free than ours and I can't agree more. Everyone's so worried about political agenda and political correctness that it has come to the point where I don't think we're really necessarily 'free' anymore.

Also, they went around with a petition that said "America is #1 and the United Nations should recognize that" and "Her majestic landscape is more majestic than any other landscape, and the ideals and principles upon which she was founded are superior to all other ideals and principles." Also "amongst all nations in the world, America is clearly the best. Her people are better citizens than any other citizens." An number of people signed it. The ethnocentric-ism some people hold is really sickening. I don't think I ever really realized how... dumbly patriotic some people are? (Not even going into the lady who responded "Europe" to the question "What's the #2 country?")

However, they did say that a majority of people didn't sign and showed a bunch of clips of them showing why ("We're not number one in anything" and "I don't believe there's a superior country" for example). So there is still hope that the ones who signed were just a few (super-patriotic) idiots. I think that even a "few people" saying we're better is one too many, but I'm pleasantly surprised to hear that a majority of them weren't just talking out of their ass. Kind of proud, I guess. ♥

I'm not gonna lie, I'm proud to be from America and I doubt I could ever pretend like I was from Canada while abroad, even if it meant I'd have a slew of judging and misconceptions thrown at me. No matter where I go, even if I live most of my adult life elsewhere, I'm still going to feel like an American deep down. Nonetheless, I'm still glad I'll be out of here in a few years~

family reunion

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I went to the family reunion, and all I got was this crappy t-shirt.

My hair is up because it was so hot! Over 100 degrees with the heat index. I keep telling my dad "I need to get a haircut" but we're poor.

There's a certain amount of butthurt revolving this t-shirt. Grandma offered to buy me a t-shirt since they were selling them. They had small, medium, large, and extra large. I said I'd take large, because I happen to know that large looks good on me. Grandma told me to get XL because it will shrink, but they were pre-shrunk so I said I'd get large instead. Roger (my grandma's husband) kept INSISTING that I get XL. Am I really that fatty-chan that I look like I need an XL? Even the large has a little breathing room on me. It fits just right to me. It's not so tight that my fat is hanging all over, and it's not so big that it makes me look three times larger than I really am. I put on a shirt that actually fit me before and my brother said I looked like I lost thirty pounds. That's how bad it is.

It's their fault 90% of my wardrobe doesn't fit me (swimming in them). I do NOT like this, and whenever I buy shirts for myself, I get regular large. Most people (like my brother) respect that large fits me normally and that's the best size for me, but my grandma, for whatever reason, feels like my shirts need to be so big that they can fit two of me in them.

The shirt isn't that great anyway. The only reason I got it is because my grandma insisted, but at least it's one of the few pieces of clothing that actually FITS now.

wtf

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I had a dream that there was a BTSSB shop in our mall, and I went in. There was a red JSK there and it was really cute, and I tried it on and it fit (would never happen in the real world) and I asked how much it was. The lady who worked there said $3,000 (!!!). I asked if I could put it on a payment plan, hahah.

Microblogs - July 2009

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-07-30 3:48 PM: my legs. they hurt ;~;

2009-07-27 12:35 AM: self-consciousness brought on by crippling inadequacy +1

2009-07-26 12:15 AM: i am sleepy-chan

2009-07-22 4:05 AM: maybe join another rpg in the morning, bedtime now though

2009-07-21 4:30 AM: also i need to make a friends only banner (bedtime for real now)

2009-07-21 4:16 AM: bedtime. i have such a wacky sleep schedule. also note to self, download dave chappelle's stand-up "killing them softly"

2009-07-20 3:37 AM: tired bro, bedtime

DDR

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I went out to eat with Steve and Jimmy todayyyy. Steve paid for it because he's a sweetie. He's so selfless; he's the type of person that spends all his check on other people. I really need to get a job to pay him back.

Anyway, we went to Steak and Shake. I had sweet tea and a bacon/chedder burger. I didn't have a shake because we were each supposed to only spend $10. My meal ended up being $8 or something?

Then we went to the mall and went to the arcade. I played DDR for at least 45 minutes, which is actually a lot for fatty-chans like myself. I think I worked off that burger. Then I played Deal or No Deal a few times and had like... 400 tickets? I spent 150 or something and Steve accidentally kept the tickets in his pocket, and when we were walking back to the car, I gave them to three little boys because I wasn't going to use them myself anyway. Steve said I was so generous, and I said I was like the ticket Mother Theresa or somethin'.

Anyway, I played DDR with a very nice girl. She was almost as good as me, but I beat her every song except the last one, because by that time, fatty-chan was very tired. I should have got her AIM or something, it would have been nice to make friends with her but meh. I posted a "missed connections" ad on craigslist for the lulz, and if I don't hear from her, that's fine.

AT&T Blocks /b/

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

AT&T has made the foolish decision to block /b/ and /r9k/ (4chan). I, for one, am not personally affected because about a half a year ago we switched to comcast, but I know many people are going to be affected. This article says 15.5% of all US internet users use AT&T DSL, which is a pretty sizable amount. (Ironically, my gramma called me today to tell me she got a laptop– and AT&T internet.)

Now, I don’t go to 4chan anymore myself, but this is fucking CENSORSHIP. This is like a slap in the face for everyone who has been trying to fight for net neutrality. It’s definitely a huge step backwards. /b/ may be full of porn and people’s heads blowing off, but the internet is free, or at least, it should be. /b/ has a strong anti-CP policy and mods who enforce that policy. 4chan’s TOS says anything not legal in the USA is not to be posted, and active mods delete anything that would fall underneath a breach of TOS, usually with a ban.

If the reason they’re blocking it is CP or whatever, that’s punishing all of the users for the actions of a select few, which I find to be extremely wrong. Punish the user themselves, don’t punish the masses because a few people don’t know how to follow rules. It’s like… cutting off the nose to spite the face, or something. Hard to believe, but there is ‘good’ and honestly entertaining content on /b/. I know that it’s relatively harmless because I used to be a hardcore /b/tard. Basically, all that existed there was a bunch of cocks and memes being spouted over and over. Sometimes there was intelligent discussion, but for the most part said ‘discussions’ were EUROFAGS vs AMERIFAGS or something similar. The rare CP thread was quickly 404’d.

If they get away with blocking one site, it’s only a slippery slide until they start blocking others. Don’t give them an inch unless you are prepared for them to take a mile. Once they see they can get away with blocking one particular site, they’ll start blocking more and more in the interest of ‘safety’. I have never been the type of person to give away personal freedom for the sake of ‘safety’.

I can see some /b/tards leaving AT&T because of this, and I wouldn’t blame them. AT&T was shitty enough when I had it, but this would definitely be the last straw for me if I were still using their service. Some people on Digg are switching just from the premise even though they don’t personally use 4chan.

There’s an article about it on ED, and I originally found out about it on digg. This will be comcast’s lucky day, I suppose.

TL;DR: The internet is free. If I want to go to the ‘cesspool of the internet’, I should be free to do so, and I recognize with that right comes responsibility. If I don’t want to see mauled bodies, I will close the X myself, I do not need you doing it for me. Quit trying to be Internet Nanny™, AT&T.

loli_secret

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Today I left the lolita secret community simply because 75% of the posts are trolls.

I’m tired of hearing the same thing week after week:
+ Fatty-chans are omg so not loli guyz.
+ Clones are clones, what happened to originality!???!1
+ Loli-chans are MEAAAAAN. No wonder we have such a reputation!!!!!!!!!

etc, etc, etc.

I like reading the actual secrets and not the trolls, but it’s not worth wading through to find one good secret, tbh.

ETA: Also, I think I got stabbed on the ass in my sleep last night by an unidentified object. There’s a hole on the ass-covering part of my underwear and a small bloodstain where the hole is. Wtf D:

allow me to reintroduce myself.

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I had a lot of people add me recently, so allow me to reintroduce myself. (I'm never good at writing these things... I'll try not to make it TL;DR)

As some of you may or may not know, my name is [REDACTED]. I have a million different internet handles (Kirk, hat, magneticdeath, asforoneday, Kohaku, etc) so feel free to call me whatever you want. I live in southwest Michigan, and was born and raised here. I just turned 19 on June 18th. I'm bisexual, but I would never date a male again so I guess that effectively makes me a lesbian. My family has always been in the lower class, money wise. My mother was on welfare the entire time my brother and I lived with her and both my parents dropped out of high school and are now general laborers.

Family-wise, my parents are divorced and have been so since I was 5. I lived with my mom, Grace, and her various boyfriends until I was 12. There was a big custody battle and I ended up with my dad, Jeff. I have been with my dad since 2002.

I quit school in 2007, at the beginning of my senior year. I've always had a 3.7 GPA, I was just going through some struggles at that time (and I'm a quitter, I admit it). However, I got my GED not long after.

I currently still live with my father and my brother, Steve. I don't have a job, but I've been looking. My dad is laid off but my brother has a job.

My girlfriend's name is Julie but I actually call her flag most of the time. My ultimate plan is to move to Belgium with her in a few years. Not sure how that's gonna happen yet, but yeah.

My life is basically Metallica at the moment. I listen to them all the time, watch videos, look at pictures, and generally obsess over them. Cliff Burton has inspired me to start learning the bass. I got a bass for my birthday and can already play a few songs on it.

I do listen to other artists though. Iron Maiden and Morning Musume/Hello!Project mostly.

I also play Guitar Hero/Rock Band almost religiously. I have been playing since April 2007. I have some videos up on youtube somewhere, but I'm a bit lazy to go looking, so if you're really interested in watching let me know.

I don't watch much TV/movies, but when I do, I prefer comedies. Lately I've been into the series "Penn & Teller's Bullshit", which debunks several scams. I think it's in its 7th season. It's an informative show that puts things in a funny manner (not to mention has lots of naked people just because it airs on Showtime).

Other interests include lolita clothing, webdesign, and graphic design.

I like debating too. I tend to lean on the liberal Democrat side of things politics-wise, though I try to examine each issue individually from both sides and come up with a solution (so I could be considered moderate). Also, I am an atheist.

Uh... That's all I can think of now. If anyone has any questions, feel free to leave a comment in this post or something. Haha.

job prospects

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I’m gonna try applying for this position tomorrow. As the proud owner of fingers that type over 100wpm (and a GED), I’m as highly qualified for this position as can be. But I didn’t know about applying through the mail, so we’re just going to try to go there in person and do so. After all, a resume is gonna look a little silly if I don’t have any job experience… but if they tell me to apply through mail instead, then I will.

guitar hero tourney

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

there was a guitar hero tournament that i went to. the turn out was awful. there were only three people, so we all automatically went to finals in kalamazoo. the only reason we even played was for the $20 gift card for first place and the bragging rights. i was better than that little 9 year old that beat me; the only reason he won was because i double strummed at the end of more than a feeling. ;~; oh well

wanna know how i know i'm better? i stomped him in through the fire and flames afterwards, by both percentage AND score.

Jab

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

a good friend of mine at jphip forums passed away yesterday because of an illness that he caught at anime expo.

it makes me wonder about how fragile life is. if he wouldn't have gone, would he still be alive to this day? was it worth it? i feel really sick now.

fire

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

our apartment is on fire so if im not around for awhile thats why

nvm they put it out

eta: dad said some kid was smoking and his dad came home for lunch and caught him and the kid tried hiding the cigarette in the wall without putting it out first

rage

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Awesome conversation that was had:

Steve: Most women shave their pubes!
Me: Most women? Uh, no.
Steve: Uh yes. Most women that I know.
Me: Yeah, okay? That doesn't mean most women in the world.
Steve: Well, most women that I know that are sexually active do.
Me: Um, I think it has a lot to do with age. Women who are older don't care as much because they realize guys aren't as shallow but younger women feel the need to.
Steve: Yeah, because they already popped out five kids anyway!
Me: God. You're fucking dumb.

And I looked it up afterwards...

"Fashion and grooming trends have extended below the waist. One fourth (25 percent) of all women aged 18 and older report that they "closely trim their pubic hair with scissors or clippers," and 23 percent say they shave part of their pubic hair off. Nine percent say they shave all of their pubic hair off.

Women in the 18 to 44 age group are more likely to remove hair in their pubic region than women over 45, perhaps because this age group is more likely to think that men prefer a well-manicured pubic region on a woman (38 percent of women aged 18-44 think most men prefer a manicured look, compared to 14 percent of women aged 45-54 and 3 percent of those aged 55 and older). The look can sometimes come with a price, however, as one in six women (17%) experience itching and/or irritation following pubic hair removal. (from here)"

So not only was I right in my assessment that most women didn't, but I was also right that older women didn't because they didn't mind as much. Ha ha fucking ha. It's annoying when Steve and his friend perpetuate the whole OMG MOST WOMEN ARE LIKE THE GIRLZ IN PORNOZZZZZ stereotype.

take these broken wings and shove them up your ass

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

love when i’m woken up prematurely to people blasting “broken wings”. i especially love it because it happens EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.

some of my past

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Meeting Amanda

Back in 2002-2003, the internet was a younger place (and I was a younger person--12-13). Everyone had AOL, and I was no different. I had AOL 6.0 if I remember correctly, but eventually upgraded to 8.0. I couldn't really get into 9.0 or 10.0 like Amanda.

Amanda is my best friend whom I met in middle school. 7th grade. I was as much of a loner then as I am now, however, we had something in common. Or at least something that I could grasp straws too. She liked anime. The anime that comes on Adult Swim, of course, because we were both 13-year-olds and this is the age of dial-up, trying to download anime would take more time than working up the money to buy it. I remember very vividly how we started talking. I'd just moved to Watervliet, and one of the student council members named Kenny (very nice guy) introduced us. We wrote little notes back and forth to each other, and the first note Amanda wrote me went something like this:

"Hi! :D
Do you want to come over to my house today?"

It was, initially, a huge risk for me. As you may or may not know, the reason I was moved to Watervliet was because I moved in with my dad in 2002. I previously lived with my mom and her husband, both of which were abusive drunks who literally moved our school every year. I had built up a defense mechanism not to get too close. However, I decided to go out on a limb and go to her house.

Now, before she met me, she didn't have the internet. All she had was television. I kept raving to her how great computers are, and how she absolutely needs to get the internet so we can talk over IM. About a month later, she managed to convince her gramma to get a computer. Her gramma kept putting parental locks on it which I showed her how to circumvent, because I'm a little bastard.

But then were the days of KaZaA and dial up. Downloading a song took an hour and I remember waiting months to download a 4gb concert (A MUSEUM- I have since bought it). I also remember accidentally deleting an entire anime series that she was downloading, which must have taken at least a month. Yes, those were more innocent times.

Because of Amanda liking anime (I never really got into it), we frequented anime chatrooms together on AOL. Even before I met Amanda, I'd been rping. I learned about it because I was into HP in 2002 (shoot me, etc). There was a lot of HP RP on AOL in those days (there was even a private chat called hprp). So, I introduced her to rp as we know it today. She was hooked.

We eventually got very close with a few friends of ours. Particularly Leo (whom we called Inuyasha, because that was who he rped), Mercy, and Gin. Mercy and Gin were supposedly long distance lovers and one thing I can vividly remember about them is that they were boning on Amanda's birthday one year because they scheduled a flight to see each other. I wonder how they are today... I've talked to Inuyasha a few times since then, but nothing serious.

For the most part after that, I just hopped around chats where no one cared about who you were ooc. It felt more comfortable that way. It wasn't until late 2004 that I felt the need to come up with another e-persona. It was for a completely different reason this time. thundercake.com. Oh, thundercake.com. You're gone now (replaced by a dA account), but I remember you well.

I have been webdesigning since 2002- since I've been on the internet. In fact, Amanda showed me a crappy geocities website of hers that made me laugh, and I helped her learn a little bit how to design. The problem has always been finding someone who will host your site-- someone who will let you take their space to put up your own little space of the web. Now, way back when, there was pick-me.net. Today, it's still up, but it's not run by the same people. I like this system better, however, back then, there was a tagboard system. Someone tagged saying they were hosting or they needed a host, and people followed through to their site. This is how I found thundercake.com.

When I first encountered the site, it was using iframes and had a little vector cloud. I thought it was very creative, cute, and stuck out in the sea of huge-people-vexels-that-took-5-years-to-load (remember, this was still dial-up days).

I decided that I would be hosted by this person if it killed me. However, their rules stated "I'd like it if we had something in common". I looked down her list of interests. Fuck! We barely had anything in common-- she was a political activist and I was a kid who just wanted an internet host. The host's name was Li, and she was a bisexual extreme liberal.

Thus Bruce was born. How did I come up with my name? I remember very vividly that I turned around and asked Steve, "What's the gayest name you can think of, for a guy?" and he responded "Bruce". Then I needed an AIM name. Closest thing sitting to me was a rainbow pencil, so my AIM name became "arainbowpencil". Ended up going by Rainbow as a nickname, which I carried over to H!O. I still use the username 'agrayrainbow' over there. I IMed her and we talked for a bit. Li welcomed me, and I got to use her webspace:

"Rainbow's my best [online] friend. When I think about Rainbow (or Bruce) I want to use the word "quirky" but that's way too flamboyant for Bruce (which is saying something ;)). He's a fellow anime fan, and we spend long hours talking trash about your website behind your back. He's been a hostee for a LOOOONG time...in fact, I think he was my first, unless that was Megan. He now has his own domain (real-emotion.org) but he's still hosted at Thundercake, giving us a sort of supernatural bond (sort of like, I could delete his site if I wanted to, but I won't). Rainbow's a great person who gets crap from everyone. One day I'll show up in Michigan and kick the asses of his foes. And that's the end of my Rainbow paragraph. When he sees this he's going to squee. And use this face --> XDD"

I should also probably mention I half-assedly crossed this persona to DC++ (a filesharing/chat client). There was this guy from Czech Republic named Diamond that was so gullible that he believed I was a cis dude even though I voice chatted with him. I tried to make my voice sound a bit deeper but it was probably epic fail. Amanda and I still have an inside joke about how his mic lagged and made him sound like a robot.

Next was when I started going by Jason... Oh, Jason.

There were a few people that I regularly talked to in that chat: a girl named Mel, who was actually pretending to be a guy (I had to drag it out of her), a girl named.. god, I can't remember, let's just call her 'bitch' because it's appropriate (also pretended to be a guy).

Ethan

Finally, there was a Canadian 19-year-old guy named Ethan. I don't know whether it was a chick with a better, more convincing act than most, but I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Ethan's rp was on a different level than everyone else's. His was way better. All his rp wasn't about sex-- in fact, he felt almost uncomfortable rping yaoi. The reason why he said he lurked those chats were because he liked watching the interactions. Eventually, I got him to play with me one-on-one and it was like love at first type... or something. I was only fourteen, but if it wasn't love, it was the biggest crush ever. I came online every day to talk to him, vent to him, rp with him.

But he didn't really treat me right. Often he'd cry "Jaaaaay" when I got online, and we'd talk for a bit. He was generally very rude with me, but for some reason, I was into that type of guy. We were both very immature. I remember that part very clearly. We'd say something even remotely sexual, and he would respond with "heh heh" in his teal-blue 8pt Verdana. We had some good times together, despite the fact that my character was a little weird.

Of course, being me, I rped with other people as well, and there was another guy named Luke who ~wanted~ me. I actually enjoyed playing with Luke more than I enjoyed playing with Ethan. That was because Ethan was orthodox, Ethan was normal, and my character, Kaoko, just didn't fit with very well with his, Kish. However, Luke would always play the weirdest scenarios with me and I ate it up.

Point being, I liked Ethan for OOC chat, and I liked Luke for IC.

However, the bubble eventually had to burst. Eventually, I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend (bitch, of course) about the fact that I was, in fact, the certified owner of a vagina. Naturally, she ran and told Ethan, and Ethan pried teeth getting that out of me personally. By this point, we were very close. He even said something along the lines of "thank god, I'm not gay". However, shit hit the fan when I told him I'd just turned 15. For some reason, that made him back off. If it was ~twu wub~ or whatever, it wouldn't matter, right? We'd have to wait to meet nonetheless.

Despite all that, we continued talking. He signed on less often though, and I started to get a bit worried. One week, he didn't sign on at all without any notice, which was a huge blow. When he came back, he said something about a drug overdose? Thing is, Amanda was good friends with Ethan as well. Amanda worked the truth out of him-- and proceeded to send me the log. It was ugly like, "Amber whines about her brother too much. What about MY problems?" and "I'm getting kind of sick of her" and "A friend of mine hung himself and I come online and she's bitching about her brother." Of course, I never knew any of that about him? He insisted to never talk about himself.

But... after I told him I read it, that was basically the end of whatever we had. He stopped signing on, I was heart-broken for awhile. I still had Luke to rp with, but he eventually stopped signing on as well. I think Ethan was the first time I had ever really loved, and it hurt for him to just leave like that. I even got an abandonment complex that a lot of people don't know about or don't understand. Even now, writing about it, is making me kind of sick.

I took a break in 2007, solely playing the XBox, where I met dale. In 2008, I met flag. The rest is history, I guess.

Ethan IMed me again in June 2008. I made the mistake of signing on my MSN one day, and he said that he was just bored (and drunk), IMing old friends. So basically, it was the drunk dialing of the IM world. At that time, I was having my little ill-informed fling with Paul. It was interesting that Ethan would IM me a few days after my birthday and cheer about me being 'legal now'. However, I was willing to throw Paul aside. After all, this was Ethan, the guy I hadn't talked to since 2005. I used a bit of discretion though because I knew it was too good to be true (especially if he was drunk). Naturally, he went AFK for awhile and some girl comes back saying "hey, this is _____, I'm gonna have to steal him away for a bit ;)" and I proceeded to block him. I didn't and still don't have time for that shit.

Luke was one that never found out about my vagina-possession, so when he contacted me in April 2009 and I told him I had a girlfriend now, he said "I thought you were gay?" And he said he had a girlfriend, so I asked him the exact same thing. Basically, he said he wanted to 'catch up' and we ended up catching up for five minutes and I haven't talked to him since.

Cheers.

lolwat

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I just went on a walk for like.. a half hour? to that circle place that has no houses built in it. I thought I'd have a place to walk on my own, and maybe jog a little and take some pictures if I was feeling ambitious.

I was wrong. I counted at least six people, one of which I tailed all the way back home because she lives in the apartment below me. One was a kid asking for a beer from their ever-loving bike companions, who so helpfully called me a fat ass. Thanks for that information, drunken kid. I'm sure I couldn't have figured that one out on my own.

tl;dr: I got a few pictures and realized it wasn't worth trying to get out and see nature/exercise. I'd rather be inside on the computer being the loner fuck I am. Yeaaah.

ETA: Wait a second, Steve is staying with 11-year-old mentality girl? What the shit.

no. just, no.

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Steve: Gabby said you were hitting on her.
Me: What?!
Steve: She said you said she looked like a bisexual or something.
Me: For one, that's not even hitting on someone. For two, I said nothing like that!

I proceeded to get on myspace IM and bitch at her about it.

Steve's already planning on breaking up with her, so it doesn't really hurt my feelings much.

The closest thing I could even think that she could get out of that was that she left me a message saying "you're totally pretty!" and I reciprocated. In the words of Amanda: "you return a compliment and all the sudden you wanna fuck her? totally not the homophobe thing to say".

She's not even that cute, I only said it to be nice. She was the first one to call me "really pretty"! I have a girlfriend I love, and I'm not going to leave her for anyone, especially not a fugly rumor spreading clingy cuntrag who 1) refuses to verify rumors she spreads and 2) gets pissed when Steve can't come get her because we have a fucked up car.

This is why I'm not nice to anyone. Whenever I'm falsely nice to people, it comes back to bite me in the ass. I'd rather be an upfront bitch than a falsely nice person (like Gabby obviously is).

huge friends cut

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

TOL ~disappeared off the face of the internet~ again, and i don't care this time lmfao. she basically used me last time as tech support to get an ISO off the computer, promised she'd keep talking to me and all that, then disappeared. basically, royal class bitch.

so i had a friends cut. only a few people remain. fuck yeah.

New Wallpaper! Yes!

Sat, 23 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I made my own wallpaper for the first time in what seems like centuries.

It's amazing, isn't it? It took me forever to try to decide on a border. I wanted to cut them out, but they already had a background. At first I thought about doing the grungy scribbles that used to be popular in webdesign in like 2006, but then it was hard to actually cut them out. Then I tried a dotted border, but it looked stupid. So I ended up with this. I'm not sure if I'm done with it yet, but considering it's grayscale and minimalistic like I love, it should be fine and finished.

job interview

Tue, 19 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

So I got a job interview at an auto parts place. Here was the job listing. I don’t know whether I really want this job or not. It includes local deliveries and requires a driver’s license, which may be bad because I hate driving. I’m not really sure if I’ll pass the Motor Vehicle Report (because of the motorcycle thing.) Also, not sure if I can lift 50 lbs. It pays $9 an hour though, which is a few bucks more than any other entry level position. In short, I’m kind of iffy about the job. If I get it, great. If I don’t, that’s okay too.

How to be a True Friend™

Fri, 15 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Pick up your friend at midnight when they say they need to be checked into a hospital or they'll kill themselves. Proceed to attempt to talk them out of it. They will continue to somewhat insist that they need medical attention, but refuse to be completely firm on the matter because they're afraid to 'burden' others. This will give you minor hope that you can go home without an incident. No such luck. You will give in after talking to them in the hospital parking lot for a half hour.

Subsequently, you will stay by their side for the six hour wait, one which has absolutely no entertainment except a blank wall. During this six hour wait, said friend will fall asleep because said friend has a bed to sleep on. But not you, True Friend™. You have but only your trusty plastic blue chair from hell, one that would give even the most fit of men a backache for weeks. You may manage to doze off once for ten minutes, but besides that, do not expect much! Your greatest accomplishment of the night will undoubtedly be finally remembering all the words to Master of Puppets.

An exhausted psychiatrist, an old guy whose only qualification seems to be 'being old', and a snobby nurse will all ask your friend the same generic questions, and she will give the same vague, avoidant answers, making you wonder why exactly you bothered in the first place. Ultimately, a psychiatrist will deem her mentally stable (if not completely apathetic) and give her the number to the local psyche ward to schedule an appointment, promptly sending her (and you) home.

But do not think of this as six hours wasted, True Friend™. Think of it as an excuse to get your sleep schedule back into nocturnal. And hey, I bet you've never appreciated a comfortable bed like you do right now!

PROTIP: Try to forget about the fact that the reason she was driven to near-suicide was the fact that her Craigslist Boyfriend broke up with her. The epic rage will eventually melt into sweet, sweet bitterness.

where's waldo?

Thu, 14 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

guess where i am!? dad gave me SUCH a hard time about it, but i'm loving being in my room.

trapped

Tue, 12 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I'm feeling trapped at the moment.. like I can't go anywhere. Before this, I always had the comfort of knowing I could move to gramma's if things ever got bad. But coming back from her house, it's painfully obvious that she didn't want me moving there. I hinted around moving in and was shot down every single time. That's a scary thought. I have only here to be, and I got in a huge argument with dad yesterday about moving my computer into my bedroom. It's fucking sickening and I feel trapped. Same fucking routine, every single goddamn day.

Anyway, I'm not a happy person atm. I have a headache and came out into the living room, hungry. All I could think about was how much I wanted those last corn dogs in the fridge. And, of course, someone ate them. Fuckers. I should slap them.

/rant

Microblogs - April 2009

Fri, 08 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-05-07 9:36 PM: twitter is SUPERIOR

2009-05-02 7:31 PM: why was my status "not telling" relationship wise.. oops fixes it

various shit

Sat, 02 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Okay, so I haven't had a chance to make an update for a few days.

...That's a lie, I've just been too lazy, really. I'm gonna do an entry about this week in a HIGHLIGHTZ 4 KIDZ version:

Metallica on Timewarp. It was okay, not really that great. The best part was probably Lars joking ("Are you seeing something you haven't noticed before?" "Yeah, my receding hairline") and James spitting all over the mic. Seeing Kirk's fingers go super slow ("I've never played that slow before!") and Robert desperately trying to blow out an amp and epically failing are a few more awesome parts about the show. I didn't like that they showed other shit though. What the shit does a dirt bike have to do with Metallica?
Been trying out new browsers because Firefox has become super slow. As I type this, my text lags. Of course. Anyway, the browser I've chosen is Flock. It's based from Firefox, so it still is a bit slow but not quite as slow. Also, I can use Ad-Block which is great! I wish Google Chrome had Ad-Block but it doesn't. Anyway, Flock has won me over. All its social features are great. Even as I'm writing this entry, I can see what all my friends are doing, which is awesome. I mean, what would I do without the immediate, left-hand sidebar style knowledge that my girlfriend was yawning 10 hours ago!?
Arguments ahoy this week. I don't know. Have I just been irritated? It's kind of stressing me out, though. People are pissing me off this week. But I've made up with every single one of the people I've argued with, so maybe everyone's just touchy. It's the spring weather, I tell ya. No one would pull this shit during winter. That's my home turf, after all.
Amanda and Josh broke up, and she's now talking to another guy. I'm happy about the former fact, but I don't know how to feel about the latter. The guy's name is Jason and he's pretty cool nonetheless. A lot cooler than Josh, not that it's a particularly difficult task, haha.
WEBSITE HOSTS, RAAAGE. I'm sure no one cares about them, but I'll make a TL;DR version: I've had to switch hosts like three times in one week. This is not an easy task. I've decided to get hosted with someone that I'm actually getting to know and like, this guy @ idiologic.com. His name is Ben, and he's pretty freakin' neat.
cock omelette

Browsers

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0500

so i was recently just trying out the browser google chrome. oh my god, it's so fast, and it's way prettier than firefox. HOWEVER, firefox has all the add-ons i need, and google chrome does not have add-ons. it's hard to choose between the two.

can i really live without ad-block, lj username switcher, and lj add-on (unfolds comments, etc)? the former two aren't that important but the previous really is. it's so annoying seeing ads everywhere when i've become so accustomed to not seeing them. lasgklskdg

however, i'm still deciding. i'll let you all know what i decide, because i know you all care ~oh so much~

oh and i decided all my "lol one sentence!" entries are gonna just be thrown on twitter instead of just cluttering up friends list from now on.

nothing else matters

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Someone finally ripped all the tracks from Guitar Hero Metallica, so now I can make proper instrumentals to karaoke with.

Now I shall die happy.

until it sleeps

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0500

The sad thing is, I've been at the computer every single minute of it. I've literally been sitting at the computer for almost a whole day straight. Just fuckin' chatting and rping.

Yeah, so if I don't come online tonight flag, it's because I couldn't wake up for the night.

one

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I guess I'll use this time to say that more tickets for Grand Rapids Metallica concert in Nov turned up on ebay, but as usual they're at scalper Fuck You In The Ass prices. And as usual, I've been far too lazy to actually go to the temp service and get a job. Supposedly Steve and Danny are moving out soon, which means less drain on our resources. They were like, "It'll cost us 175 combined to live at the Roadway Inn, and dad's gonna try to charge us 200 bucks combined!" And I was thinking (but I didn't say because hell, I want them to move): "Yeah? Does that include fucking food and gas?" They're pretty... dumb. They aren't realistic about money.

Microblogs - March 2009

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 11:00:00 -0600

2009-03-01 3:35 AM: i'm becoming unhealthily obsessed with a certain band

2009-03-06 12:42 PM: finally fucking got a job

Microblogs - February 2009

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 11:00:00 -0600

2009-02-27 5:26 PM: i'm the rp god lolol

2009-02-25 12:16 AM: i need AFFECTION

2009-02-24 9:12 AM: i hate the color brownnn. [also ugh going to temp services today]

2009-02-22 10:02 PM: i love cake;

2009-02-21 6:55 PM: some shitty nick song stuck in my head

2009-02-17 4:57 PM: sharing a link to the naichau kamo single wooo;;

2009-02-15 7:23 PM: i want out of here

2009-02-13 6:50 PM: what the shit is a "plurk" anyway.

2009-02-12 12:13 AM: family is crazy;;

2009-02-10 10:01 PM: fuck everyone, srsly

2009-02-09 4:48 AM: bedtime now

2009-02-07 9:41 PM: hungryyyy

2009-02-06 11:17 PM: splurged and spent $40, so I better get the job✩

2009-02-06 6:10 AM: going to bed now~~

2009-02-01 6:40 AM: just now getting to sleep... jeez

Microblogs - January 2009

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 11:00:00 -0600

2009-01-29 9:14 PM: googles it on the yahoo

2009-01-29 10:21 AM: goes to video store~

2009-01-28 4:54 PM: a new car~ (to me)

2009-01-26 6:27 PM: annoyed of "family"

2009-01-26 10:56 AM: new e-mail address~

2009-01-25 1:53 PM: just finished watching The Dark Knight DVD ✰

2009-01-25 10:05 AM: still cold and is going to go watch tv now.

2009-01-25 8:36 AM: cold. Warm me up ♪

2009-01-23 7:25 PM: NAKED DON'T LOOK

2009-01-21 4:05 PM: forgot this thing even existed WATTTT

Microblogs - October 2008

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0500

2008-10-26 5:42 PM: beat almost every song on expert drums so there :3

2008-10-25 9:26 AM: not replaying ff8, since save game glitched and deleted, boo!

2008-10-25 1:29 AM: replaying ff8 yay @_@

2008-10-20 10:42 PM: afraid~ hold me ;o;

2008-10-17 4:31 AM: boredom ー△ー

2008-10-16 8:25 AM: going to bed for real now (damn addictive internet~)

2008-10-16 6:41 AM: going to bed nowww

friends cut

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0500

if you were removed, you fell into one of the following criteria:

i don't know who the hell you are.
i don't feel comfortable having you read my entries.
i'm not interested in your life anymore.
we lost touch as friends.
you never added me back.

i don't remove people for stupid reasons like "Lol nvr commenting!!!1" or "never updating!" but i do remove them if i think that we honestly can't be called friends anymore. so. if i removed you, uh, tough shit? please don't take it personally. it isn't personal!

The entry where I ramble on about crazy conspiracy theories

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0500

Every person who is a fan of H!P has their own crazy conspiracy theories. It’s impossible to be a fan without thinking that there’s something going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about. A big example of a recent one is “What happened to Goto? She just quit? She HAD to have motives. Maybe she wasn’t happy with the management. Maybe it was because of her brother. Maybe it was because she had a man.” Everyone has their own idea of why Goto quit, and theories about her coming back as well. Another big one I can think of is “Where is Aibon now and did she purposely sabotage her way out of H!P?”

But I’m not here to talk about those. I couldn’t care less to talk about those. This is the person in question for today:

Miki Fujimoto. She’s a very cunning woman, and I’d like to say I think she’s too cunning. I think she had a plan to get her solo career back this entire time.

Imagine being a young teenage girl who has a passion for singing and wants to break into the market (I know, hard to imagine, but bare with me). You’re pretty desperate. You notice that Morning Musume is having an audition very soon. So, you practice your favorite song over and over, and the day comes where you must audition. You do your best, but they don’t call you back for some time.

You’re understandably pretty depressed. Until one day, they call you back and tell you they want you to be a soloist! You’re psyched. You couldn’t ask for anything better. You give your 100% in every song, and get used to being a soloist. You put out a few singles, maybe an album, and catch on to the business very well. You’re on top of the world.

One day, Tsunku calls you and says he needs to have a meeting with you. He tells you that he thinks it would be a good idea right now for you to join Morning Musume. But… had you not been good enough to be a soloist?
You’re understandably pretty pissed off. But you know that if you don’t accept his offer, you’ll be fired. Although it’s taking a step back, you think this will only be temporary and will do better for your career in the long run. Tsunku knows best, right?

A year passes. Another year passes. 4 or 5 years have passed and it’s becoming glaringly obvious that Tsunku never meant for this to be a “temporary thing”. You start to formulate a plan. Tsunku put you in a group with your best friend and you want to join that permanently and quit Morning Musume. You wait it out, make sure that this group is going to be a permanent thing, and then, you make your move.

You call up a couple of paparazzi and make sure that everyone will see you with your boyfriend. When the news comes out in the papers, you act surprised and quickly resign. You know that H!P needs you, so this plan cannot fail.

You wait it out. Finally, Tsunku says that he wants you back in Hello!Project. He does you one better than your best-friend-duo. He offers you your solo career back! Great! Your plan has worked. Happily ever after.

Now, I would have nothing against Fujimoto doing this. The only thing that pisses me off is the exact same thing happened to Yaguchi, and we have yet to see anything but Uta Doki and a few MC performances from her. Definitely no single, definitely no album. Why the hell is Yaguchi being shafted while Fujimoto is being rewarded? Oh well. Tsunku’s mind works in mysterious (and sometimes faulty) ways. I guess there was just no demand for Yagucchan. ;__;

HEY GUYS

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0500

I AM OUTRAGED BY THIS UNEVEN LINE DISTRIBUTION. Tsunku is being insane again.

I mean, the new generation isn’t even seen. WTF. They literally HIDE THEM IN THE SHADOWS. Only two or three members are shown. WTF Tsunku? WTF. I do like how it’s kind of urban and dark though. That’s really cool. This song would be perfect if everyone had even line distribution, srysly.

If anyone doesn’t know what I’m talking about or hasn’t heard it yet, I’m talking about the Morning Musume single.

You can stream it here: “Summer Night Town” (more like Summer Night Abe, amirite?)

(for legal reasons this entry is a joke/making fun of the resonant blue angst)

do I win youtube?

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0500

My Youtube Stats For Today:

#24 - Most Discussed (Today) - Music
#41 - Top Favorites (Today) - Music

Anywho. My thoughts on Resonant Blue? AWESOME SONG. I keep listening to it, trying to figure out why the hell I like it so much. It’s probably because I’ve liked these kinds of music in the past so it shouldn’t be a real surprise why I like it now. Technically, it’s a really good song. The bassline is strong and the drums are passable. Most of the song is made up of the singing, but Tsunku always creates his songs to cater to the voices (which makes sense). The vocals are strong (even if they aren’t split up very evenly). Tsunku is back to putting his voice in every single line, for whatever God awful reason. This song reminds me of something they would’ve made way back then, but the leads would’ve been Abe and Fukuda. That would’ve been interesting to listen to…

Thoughts about the PV? It’s really good. The choreography is spot on, and really fun to watch. I hate how the other members literally (and quite intentionally) blend into the background, though. After all, this is “Morning Musume” not “Takahashi, Tanaka, and Kusumi ft. other girls” just like I said on Hello!Online. I did a test in Windows Media Player, increasing the brightness two times and then zooming in on each corner so you could see the other members better. I wonder if anyone would be interested in me uploading those to Youtube too? It’s a lot easier to see the members but remember this isn’t the highest quality rip in the world so it would probably look even worse after being changed to .wmv.

And for those who don’t know me, I guess I should make a short self introduction. This IS a new blog after all, and why should you care about some random person’s opinion? Hopefully this will let you in on my point of view a little more.

My IRL name is XXXXX (omg no girls on the internet!). Many people don’t know that. I’m more commonly known as “Gray”, “agrayrainbow” (subtitling/Hello!Online), “toxicrainn” (on youtube), and “Masabi” (at jphip). I’m going to be 18 in June and I live in Michigan. I’ve been listening to Morning Musume since 2003 off and on, and I’ve followed it like a religion since 2005. I may come off as cynical or downright bitchy 90% of the time, but it gets my point across. I’m always up for debate especially when it comes to Hello!Project and every comment on this blog will be read (if not replied to). The purpose of this blog is to stop cluttering comment spaces and repeating myself on several blogs/news sites and just responding to news here.

I have an RSS syndicate under “Meta” or you can just bookmark me. If you’d like to be in my blogroll, comment here. I know tons of H!P sites but I only really go to InternationalWota so that’s the only site linked for now (that is until someone asks me to link them).

Oh, and if you couldn’t tell, the site’s name is “Mitsuboshi” (mi ★ tsu ★ boshi) which comes from Kusumi Koharu’s album name.

I think that’s all for now. Haha.

moving to a private journal

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

I AM MOVING TO A DIFFERENT JOURNAL.

People that can have the URL and will be readded:
exoticdisco, jupernia, raspberrysyrup, theonlydale

I will keep this journal still alive for memories and so I can read my friends lists' entries.

If you have anything to say to me about this or any other issue, feel free to comment as I will be checking it occasionally.

PS: you can thank AJ for this! That scumbag decided it was a good idea to let Amanda (someone I ranted angrily about) use his account. Said drama had NOTHING to do with him, he just thought it was proper to let someone I purposely removed read my LJ. Classy, huh?

few days off the internet

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Didn't get on the internet for a few days. I've been playing so much COD4 because Danny came over with his XBox 360, I didn't even get a chance to sign on now and then. Oh well.

A lot of drama happened with Manng and Amanda. Well, not a LOT. She came on and I chat invited her.. and she lied, saying she "didn't get it" and I asked her, "why are you on the xbox?" And she answered, of course, "to talk to matt". That was like the last straw for me and I just deleted them both and I have no intention of talking to either of them again. They've been so buddy buddy and avoiding me, so I just figured "hey, might as well give them what they want". (also AJ sucks)

I finally got to level 54 on COD4 though, which is a good thing. I level grinded there tonight and am happy. I'll have level 55 to shoot for, which is the max level. All I get for level 55 is a golden Desert Eagle though, which I'm not too thrilled about.

I finally found out how to mute everyone but the people on my friends list on Xbox and it really helps. COD4 has so much of the "Halo Jackass Frat Boy Crowd" that I got sick of hearing it and I literally didn't want to play because of it. So now I can only hear my few friends.. sure, I may be missing out on a few new friends, but I'm not in the business of making new friends and I'd probably just delete them later.

Speaking of new friends, today, in a random match, I saw a person named "Berryz RISAKO". I friend requested them and they accepted.. because it's so, so rare to find anyone into H!P on the Xbox. I didn't even realize it at first.. I was bitching at the guy:

"God?! Who is this, in my fucking way. Just STANDING there. Risako... Ohhh. They must like BK, that's awesome!"

Not to mention they're from Japan (I can tell from some of the games they've played). That makes it a little difficult to talk to them. I sent them a message "berryz koubou is awesome!!" and they sent back "yes!!!!!" so I think they understood that but I don't think they understand English.

Um.. I'm going to bed now. At 10:30AM. I am not going to wake up until night tomorrow.. pathetic of me. @___@//

dad's the bestest

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Okay.. so on the whole "losing weight" idea, I made a list of foods I think would be good. I researched them and they're all filling and less fatty than the foods I've been eating. Stuff like:

fruits and nuts
raisin bread
whole wheat bread
bagels + fat free cream cheese
eggs (just because we never get them)
wheat thins
low fat yogurt
water instead of pepsi
soup (chicken noodle and tomato)

And he got all of these things.. plus a few things I forgot and went above and beyond by buying different healthy stuff. I realized I didn't really put any real "meal" foods on there but that's because I just want to constantly snack lightly the entire day so all my food has a chance to digest.

Aha~ My dad is the best @w@

finally decided on a new year's resolution

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

- Stop drinking pop
- Stop eating fast food (Subway just ham and cheese is OK)
- Stop eating sweets
= Lose weight!

I just stepped on the scale today. It was not a pretty sight. I wouldn't dare repeat that number here, but all I know is I've got to stop eating the wrong foods. I know exercise is kinda bleh and won't happen (due to lack of motivation and lack of means) but if I cut down on the sugary shit I should lose weight.

Wish me luck @w@

THE WORST FUCKING SMELL IN THE WORLD

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Seriously. This is the worst smell in the world.

Imagine murdering a man, smearing him in shit, pouring nasty, far outdated milk in his rotting corpse and pissing in his mouth. Then imagine dragging him around the house, all the fluids getting into every nook and cranny of the house.

Everyday at 4:30pm, I am woken up to this horrendous smell. I do my best to cover my nose with the blankets while rolling over and trying to get back to sleep (to no avail). Around 5pm, the smell has sunk even into my blanket and I am forced to breathe through my mouth as I scurry to open up all the windows.

This process takes about 10 minutes and if I dare get one little particle of that smell in my nose I literally begin to throw up in my mouth (like I did just now).

It's snowing and the porch is covered in snow but I run over to the window and press my nose up against it just to get some fucking fresh air smell. God hates me for not giving me a stuffy nose through all this. I'd rather get sick and die than continue to smell this horrible fucking smell. Correction, I'd rather put a fucking BULLET through my head than continue to smell this smell.

I have to do my best for hours on end not to breathe through my nose because it smells so sickening.

The only options are a gas mask or to move out. Dad said that he would rather move out then continue to smell this shit, so I suppose that's what we'll be doing.

I BEAT GREEN GRASS & HIGH TIDES

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

THIS MAY NOT MEAN A LOT TO YOU BUT I BEAT GREEN GRASS & HIGH TIDES!

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO BEAT IT FOREVER. But I hadn't figured out how. I was going to go to bed last night and I told my dad, "hang on I finally think I figured it out". And I did. I just was using the star power way too soon. Now I can beat it any time.. just because I know how to use the star power.

Wheewww.. that means I also hit 7000 gamerscore. I'm surprised...

My life...

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

&apologies;
I have really, really been meaning to update this thing with something useful. Really. I have really good intentions but I haven't gotten around to it. So here I am! ♥

&writing;
I want to write so much. I know, I'll probably rp with Matt dizzle sometime soon but it's really itching me... so I maybe will write some sort of fanfic about Gears something soon. I've had this creative feeling for the past few days and I don't know what it's about. Maybe it's because I haven't been creative enough lately? So if you see a story placed in this journal sometime, you can read it or don't, it doesn't matter to me. But I bet you'll be seeing one from me soon.

&gaming;
Meh.. I broke my gaming streak today because I didn't get on. Maybe I just feel less like gaming lately? Rock Band has been bleh (I need a break from it) and COD4 is impossible on Veteran and lost its addictiveness on Multiplayer. I could play Viva Pinata but I didn't really feel like it today.. and Sneak King is definitely for days that I feel like playing it.

&drama;
There was a lot of drama today which surely insured at first that I would have weekend plans, then they were torn away from me. Yeah, shitty, but oh well. I'll get over it. I just feel like I'm going to lose friends over bullshit and I don't really want to... I might not seem like it, but I really, REALLY hate drama. It stresses me out and I tend to want to eliminate stress sources (a part of a reason why I quit high school).

&topmodel;
I watched Season 9 of America's Next Top Model and I was totally blown away, shocked, and OFFENDED by who was top model. I won't spoil it because it's a fairly recent season but once again I feel when it came down to the last two, the person who really deserved it got ripped off. It wasn't so much of an injustice as Season 8 though. Natasha TOTALLY deserved every ounce of that prize and I'm glad to hear she's still out there modeling. I wanted to use her in my new layout but I couldn't find a high enough quality picture, unfortunately.

&life;
I want to see what we can do about my GED this weekend. I'm going to go take a test hopefully this weekend to see if I can take the GED without study (hopefully I can) and if it's possible I'll just jump and take the real test. Then I will need a car to drive so that I can learn, which comes down to fixing our cars with tax returns. Then, I will get a job.. then I will visit him.

&taxreturns;
For tax returns, Dad said it was possible to get a new monitor which I severely need because this one is major suckage. Also he said we're getting both our cars fixed which is great. He said he was going to sell the Grand Prix and get me a new car most likely.. and I said it would be better on insurance and easier to drive if he got a smaller Japanese one. I just feel more comfortable because I'm so fucking short if I'm driving a smaller car.

&etc;
There's PROBABLY things I'm forgetting. I'm that type of person. However, if I remember anything I'll add it in? Or just make a new entry if it's significant enough. Happy Friday everyone and remember: not everything is as it seems. Good night.

website host BAILS

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

note: i posted this on jphip because i needed a host.. but it's basically the whole story

Well.. how do I begin this nightmare?

What happened first is someone told me about tehlove hosting at [tehlove.org/.](http://tehlove.org/.) Their plans were really well priced (but not free) and I begged my grandmother for $20 to get a medium sized plan. I registered [songforxx.org](http://songforxx.org) and they were up fairly quickly.

I used my domain on and off because that's how it seemed to want to work-- on and off. The host frankly sucked, the site was always down and I was beginning to wonder what I paid for. I know, I know, "you get what you pay for" but I wasn't willing to drop another $100 on a domain that I don't use THAT often.

I finally started to use it a little more... and the host said that they were shutting down. They said that our domains would remain in tact for as long as we paid for it. Great! I didn't care if they were shutting down as long as they made good with what I paid for. I was starting to make plans for the domain, I had great plans for it in 2008.

Then I get an e-mail today which says they have to "transfer the domain names" and they're getting rid of their reseller. That's right... ditching on everyone who paid, no matter if they got their full year or only 5 months (like myself). Well, if I'm getting half the product, shouldn't I have paid half the price? That $10 could've gone toward something, I don't know, a jpop single or something. I'd rather give my money to people who will actually give me the product than bailing out halfway through.

So... now they're transferring the domain name to me, which is good for another half a year and I'm stuck hostless because they couldn't manage finances or whatever.

So please... my site doesn't take up more than 50mb at any point in time and I really need a host right now (one that can tell me wtf to do to transfer the domain to a different server too). If you can spare any space on your domain and have the knowledge to help me transfer it over to your space, I would really, really appreciate it..

edit: new layout
edit2: got a new host, will be located here

Call of Duty 4 -- is it worth it

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Is it worth it to climb all the way up to Level 55 and restart again just for a new freakin' 10x10 icon on a TV screen (making it look even smaller)?

I'm not really sure yet. I'll have to cross that road when I come to it-- all I know is, you can restart ten times. Yep, that's right-- TEN times. That's 550 levels. Holy shit.

the switch back to Firefox

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Yes.. I'm switching back to Firefox. Why? Because.. Opera has started to be the slowest POS ever. It literally takes 20 seconds to load a page which is really fucking annoying in the first place, when I have 6mpbs internet. Also.. it doesn't have all the extensions I want and doesn't load some pages correctly so, FIREFOX welcome back to my computer.

Ayu goes deaf in her left ear

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

It was announced recently that Ayu went deaf completely in her left ear...
So I can give her a little bit of slack for being so shitty at kouhaku. I feel really sorry for her, though. She's going to continue on and not let a little thing such as PARTIAL FREAKIN' DEAFNESS get to her SINGING career! What a wonderful woman.

Edit: This is awesome.. even my BROTHER (who doesn't follow jpop at ALL, he doesn't like it) somehow knew about this and sent me a XBL message today:

Ayumi's deaf in her left ear! [news.xinhuanet.com/english/2...](http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2008-01/06/content_7372367.htm)

arcade dream

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

I had a dream of an arcade.. we went in with my gramma and Steve and Amanda, though somehow other people came too.

There were a few different scenarios:

Skeeball: Amanda and Steve and I all played Skeeball. Mine was broken though and the ball would not fit through the plastic thing at the end and was actually SUBTRACTING points. I ended up getting like 5 tickets though.

Mortal Kombat: There was a TV hooked up and it said "Free". They were apparently running an emulator and rom and the person who worked there (who happened to be my cousin, John) said it was so his boss could see how everyone was playing. Steve tried to play and go through the menus but they were all in Italian. He changed it to English and eventually we played. I sucked as usual...

"Singstar?": It was called Singstar but it was really Karaoke Revolution + DDR. Amanda and I played, and I picked "Higher", the DDR song. I yelled at her for not doing the DDR parts (ignoring them completely) and just doing the singing.

Weird Guitar Hero Rip Off: There was a guy playing Guitar Hero Rip Off, and all the colors were in the wrong places so it was really difficult. He wanted me to try it, and I was passing all right but not very well. I exclaimed, "What is this! Lefty Flip!" but it wasn't.

During WGHRO: While I was playing GH Rip Off, Dale came behind me and hugged me and said that he loved me. It was.. a little random and weird, but I felt embarrassed cos my Gramma was there.

After all the games are done: Here's the sad part. For some reason my MOM was there, and she was like "how do you feel about me?" and I told her that I loved her and that she's my mom, and she told me that how she THINKS I feel about her is "I don't love her and don't ever want to talk to her again". Then I woke up..

It was weird.

Happy New Year 2008

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Don’t forget to visit your old friend a few times in 2008!

Update on teh monies PT 2

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Steve let me have 35 dollars because he's the sweetest brother in the world, and I bought a Gears of War guide along with a Rock Band guide. I've been playing Gears of War for more than 9 months now so it's kind of a mystery why I haven't bought one yet (and why I haven't actually beat one player by myself). It also has multiplayer maps which will do really good in helping me actually become a better player. The Rock Band one has each individual song outlined by each instrument and developer high scores.. which will help both. <3

2007 Survey [it was a big year.]

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Drive around with only my brother!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year. I didn't think I needed to. This year, I think I may make "stop drinking pop"

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't know how close they are, but all my cousins are getting pregnant. Literally every girl from my 2nd cousin's family has gotten pregnant this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Whew.. not sure about next year though..

5. What countries did you visit?
Pff I wish I could visit other countries.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Less procrastination!! I want to be able to drive and get a job..

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 4, 2007-- the day I got my very own Xbox 360!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Quitting school. (I know it's weird, but I've been wanting to forever.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Procrastinating 6 months away.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Xbox 360 by far.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
None...?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? worried?
A lot of my friends'. Maybe I'm just pessimistic.

14. Where did most of ALL! your money go?
Xbox 360 + stuff.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Rock Band! Man I waited MONTHS for that thing.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Epic by Faith no more

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier, generally (though I had super pissy moments)
ii. thinner or fatter? the same amazingly.
iii. richer or poorer? depends on what you mean. If you mean physical money and possessions, I'd say the same. If you mean rich with happiness and good events, I'd say richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Getting out of the house...

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastination

20. How will you be spending did you spend Christmas?
...this question doesn't make sense.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes

23. How many one-night stands?
0, I'm a virgin ~_~

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
I got into Days of Our Lives for 2 seconds.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
I haven't read any. (Hey, don't get on me! I do all my learning online.)

27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
Ayu, which I had abandoned really.

28. What did you want and get?
Xbox 360

29. What did you want and not get?
Ayu's new album.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
There were a lot of good ones this year...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went out to eat and went shopping. I am 17. (Only one more year 'til the big one eight..)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Be able to meet him physically.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Same as every year-- do not care.

34. What kept you sane?
The people closest to me!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ayu, as every year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage. Had one too many debates about that this year.

37. Who did you miss?
Amanda! She moved.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Dale..

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
Material possessions are shit. All you really need is love.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
.. I don't even know. D:

Update on teh monies.

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I bought $50 worth of Microsoft Points and an Xbox 360 Chat pad, which came with the new mic I needed with a bonus of a chat pad so I don't have to keep typing out messages with the analog stick. I have about $60 left but I don't know what I'll get with it yet. I've only got Zuma (arcade game), War Pigs (Rock Band song), and a picture pack with the MSP thus far.

feeling dead = yay

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I'll never beat Green Grass & High Tides on Expert.

I will never get ALL of the achievements on Rock Band.

I will probably never get all of the achievements on any retail game, to be frank.

Why the fuck do I suck so much? It's really depressing....

sold

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Sold my Gamecube for $100 which I will be getting in a few days. $50 from gramma. This is what I might buy with it:

Awesome Headphones - $90
A $60 game, most likely Viva Pinata OR 4000 Microsoft Points OR Year subscription Xbox Live

Man.. that's depressing. I kept telling myself, "Am I really gonna use this?" and ended up with such a small list.. lol! I wanted to keep it to stuff I use daily which is only XBox 360 and Computer.. I thought about ADDING stuff like a camera but I'm not so sure about that seeing as I don't look good in pictures and I don't get out enough to go out and take pictures of other stuff.

I might just save the $60. :< The only thing for SURE I'm going to get is the new Headphones thing.

MSP Rock Band songs

David Bowie Pack 01 - 440
Punk Pack - 440
"Fortunate Son" - 160
"Bang a Gong (Get It On)" - 160
"Cherry Bomb" - 160
"Synchronicity II" - 160
"Can't Stand Losing You" - 160
"3's and 7's" - 160
"Sick, Sick, Sick" - 160
"Sweet Leaf" - 160
"My Iron Lung" - 160
"Brass in Pocket" - 160

fuckfuckfuck

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCKFUCKUFKCUICKJC
SLKDJFLNSGDNK
lKJNSDLFKJSDKNv
sLKFhjkweklnasd
T______T
sksfjlks
alkjsdavk
nkjsvijvnn32jni3ruhjsdnmkadlaj8piuagb

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? [in a SABOTAGE by beastie boys tone]

i need to seriously get a hobby to get my mind off of things.

not like video games, but an actual hobby.

one that i can just do by myself and go off into my own little world every day and try to cool off at.

any ideas!? it has to be free, btw… i don’t have any money, though i’m sure i could ask dad if i could buy stuff from an arts and crafts store or something.

HELP ME FRIENDS

Things I’m thinking about taking up (from most likely to least likely):

Such a long vacation.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

This really has been a super long vacation. It has only been a few weeks but being away from my best friends and my boyfriend for a few weeks is more like torture than a vacation. I admit that part of the reason I left was because I needed a break from the daily grind but I guess absense makes the heart grow fonder and the daily grind is the daily grind because I like things like that. I'm starting to see that I don't like change very much.

However, there were a lot of fun parts of the vacation so I can't complain TOO much. When I first came, I brought Rock Band. Gramma and Zack (my 10 year old cousin) and myself all made a band together. We called ourselves the Viper Blood. Yeah, kind of dorky and stupid, but it was something that was automatically generated. Gramma played Drums on Easy. Zack was the singer on Easy. And I was the guitarist on Expert. We were a great band until I brought it downstairs because Gramma was bitching that Roger (her husband) wanted to watch TV on the weekend. Ironically, the cable broke and he couldn't watch it in the living room anyway-- making the trip up and down the stairs with the huge amount of accessories completely irrelevant and unnecessary. Tami and Pat came over and played (well Tami played, Pat woke me up from a dead sleep to have me set it up JUST so he could watch it). Then, the last thing that has to do with Rock Band: Steve came over this weekend and played. We were going to do Endless mode but we got 10 songs in and he started to fall asleep while playing the Bass so I just told him to forget about it and we'll do it some other time (sometime at my house, so he can get the achievements too!).

We went to the mall two times to go to the new arcade there called Slackers. It's really awesome. It has DDR: Extreme but I only played that a few times (there was a guy there that was really good the second time!). Because I was having er girl problems the second time, I couldn't really play too aggressively. And I got tired easily. Zack and I played Skeeball a lot the first time, and the second time with Steve, we played TONS of Deal or No Deal. The first time, with Zack, we only got 400 tickets all together but the second time, with Steve, we got 1003 tickets! We each got 333 tickets, and I feel like I got robbed because I got a big rubber ball but it broke a few minutes after I started playing with it. Oh well, it was funner playing the game than it was to actually get the toy. The highest Steve and I got was 250 tickets from Deal or No Deal. It was between 3 tickets and 400 tickets. We had the 400 in our case! I had the feeling that we did, but we didn't want to risk it... It was still really fun. Gramma thought about buying a TV while we were in the mall, but said that I "talked her out of it" because I told her not to go more into debt just for a big screen TV. I didn't mean to talk her out of it though-- I wanted to see her have a big screen TV! Oh well.

Steve bought the game Scene It! for $40 (poor guy, that's tons of money). We all played it together-- it was really, really fun. I was horrible at it because I don't know many movies. Steve was the best. We played teams the second time we played it, and Steve was on my team so naturally we won! Woo! I only knew a few questions but I really did know the questions that I knew.

We didn't have a whole lot of money so we couldn't go many places. I had a roast beef sandwich over 9000 times, but that's just because I like those. I got into Days of Our Lives, so I'm going to have to see if I can catch that on TV here or if it's only a Direct TV thing. I didn't get into Passions thankfully, because I know for a fact that's a Direct TV only thing.

The entire vacation wasn't all peaches and creams though. Roger (Gramma's husband) was being a serious pain in the ass! As in.. rude. He asked Steve and I, "When's the last time you've seen your gramma and grampa's grave? In the last four years?" and we said "never". How the hell are we supposed to get there? We don't even know where they're buried. I'm not a believer in visiting someone elses' grave. Since I believe that when a person dies, their soul is gone and they just rot in the ground, I don't see why I have to visit their grave. If they were good people, then their legacy will outlive them. And since they were family, they always have a place in my heart. But he didn't need to act pissy and like he's better than us because he visits his family's grave. I was really offended by that and Gramma tried to pretend like it was just because he was working long hours. Bullshit. He's a rude guy.

Zack was good most of the time we were there but he was rude some of the time. He was cussing and swearing and acting up when he heard Steve was coming over. He knew that I would give more attention to Steve than him because I don't get to see Steve often and he's easily tied for #1 place for my family in my heart (tied along with my dad). So of course I'm going to give him attention! He acted really rude to me most of the time when Steve was there but before that he was okay. That's part of the reason I was leaving-- he started acting rude and basically the only reason I was staying was so that he could have company. I was going to stay until the 16th but I was really hurting from missing Dale and my friends. 15th is going to be his birthday party, so I'll probably pop in for that but I'm not staying the weekend or anything. I might stay a few hours at most.

Another bad thing that happened was that Mom called. Gramma made me talk to her and she "just found out" that I quit school (though she didn't-- she was leaving bad messages on my answering machine before that, and later she admitted that she knew and it "just now hit her", yeah right). A lot of drama was caused because of that and I was going to go home however I decided to stay. Mom said that she was going to "come get me and make me realize I was wasting my life". What, like she did? She's a hypocrite.

That's basically all that happened... I think. All the important stuff, unless you count my gramma crapping her pants to be important! (It was funny but.. sick.)

Steve will probably come over at Christmas break. Looking forward to that! He's been really generous lately and I'm surprised. In a happy way. I'm not really looking forward to Christmas itself because it means nothing to me-- not like I'm getting presents or anything, and since I'm athiest it has no religious meaning. Haha.

TL;DR: Vacation was overall good, but I missed everyone!

PS: There was some really embarrassing mix up where I thought Amanda's online BFF Eric was a guy I used to know and be fairly close to, Luke. It ended up in a 3 hour conversation with him about Amanda and other stuff. Weird...

i wonder

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

do you still love me?

rock band

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

today, rock band comes out.

i had my alarm set for 8am but ended up getting up at 7am because the anticipation was making me wake up every few hours.

best buy opens at 10am here, so dad is gonna get up at 9am and we have to get started then because the thunderbird only goes 30mph max. we have to take a back road XD

I AM SO EXCITED!

gonna go try to pass time by watching america's next top model season 8...

rock band results

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

it is the awesomest shit ever! and apparently some peoples' best buys didn't get copies in until tomorrow, i would've been so pissed!

i'm trying to beat the solo career on expert right now. i have the highest leaderboard for the song "dani california" and have 100% hit on expert on that, which means it's like the maximum score.

i'm also #2 on the vocal career overall leaderboards.

i know that's going to change as soon as more people get the game but whatever lol.

wait, what

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Band World Tour is only offline and only 2+ players?

Wow, that really puts me off of Rock Band, because that was the thing I was looking forward to the most, and now I hear I can't even play it unless two people are playing *unless I want to sing while I play, which would cause me to need a mic stand.. and to know the songs of course*

I'm sure it won't be a problem at first, but it's going to be annoying after I beat all the songs on Expert in 1p mode.. well hopefully by then either they'll have patched it with online Band World Tour or I know all the songs singing by heart and can sing and do the drums at the same time or something. Gah.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Today, I made my Dad cry.

It felt horrible and was unintentional. I apologized but he said it wasn't my fault.

It was because I said I have no female role models, which is the truth.

I was really upset at my gramma and started crying because she was talking behind my back. Dad started the whole "it's just your gramma, that's just the way she is" spiel before he realized it was because I wanted a female role model and she was the last one left, and turns out she's a backtalking traitor too.

He started crying because he said that I can always go to his family but he realized I wasn't close enough to any of them to go to them. He thinks that he's the one that caused this, and it's not true. And it makes me cry just thinking about him blame himself. It is not his fault at all.

I wouldn't mind going to those family members if I knew them better, but I always didn't want to go. I have a hard time making new friends and to me, my family is new friends because I haven't been around them for a long time. To me, they are random people who I can't really trust, besides my gramma who talks about me behind my back.

Also, for the first time in my life, I mentioned to him "someone that I like online and have been talking to for 7 or 8 months". So now he knows, and I figure that has something to do with it too. I think he's not stupid and since I also mentioned "makeup and boys" as a couple of things I want to talk to a female role model about, and mentioned the whole "Go out with Danny" ordeal, I really do think he understands because he can put two and two together.

Another thing I think he's upset about is the way that she treats me is the same way she treated mom. He even said to me, "Yeah, she used to be that way about me and your mom. Whenever your mom would be mad at me, she'd go to her and your gramma would start naming off new people to go to."

God. . . I feel horrible for making him feel that way. But at least, now, everything is out in the open. I will be able to sleep well for the first night in a very long time.

10 things that make me happy!

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Rules: The rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 10 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs. Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in a while.

01] Dale♥ Whenever I talk to him, I am happier. He makes my life worth living♥
02] Morning Musume & Ayu.. well, music in general, I guess. If it's a happy song, I get happy!
03] Getting stuff for free!
04] Steve and Amanda♥ My brother and my best friend! They can both cheer me up when I'm feeling upset or down. Steve is brutally honest which I really appreciate and Amanda always makes me feel good about myself.
05] Making other people happy. I sub so that other people can understand things and enjoy the videos better. I try to do my best everyday to help other people out when I can, and when I see that they are truly happy because of it, it makes me happier than anything.
06] Watching Tyra and court TV! And comedies too ♥ I love learning stuff, and I also love people who are inspirational, and things that make me laugh. Whenever I laugh, I'm happy.
07] When I actually work for something and can buy it myself. When I worked for those 1600 Microsoft Points and didn't make dad pay $20 for me, I felt so liberated and like I really earned them! (And I didn't spend them so quickly knowing that too XDD)
08] Dancing and singing. Singing mostly, unfortunately because it makes me so happy, when someone criticizes me, I get really upset T___T
09] Rock Band which is coming out in FOUR DAYS #(Y*RY*#RHOSDGHDSGH I CANNOT WAIT! We're gonna line up before Best Buy opens and rush in there and get a copy! ♥
10] Simple pleasures such as rain pattering outside the window or calm music. It makes me happy and peaceful.

Um.. I'm glad I did this. Because a lot of people say I'm super moody and angry all the time and hard to please, I think this is a list that can be useful. XDD

maximus

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

blah about Maximus

(9:12:51 PM) me: i still think it's dispicable that you would make a new room to get maximus away
(9:13:10 PM) Matt: okay
(9:13:27 PM) Matt: not when everyone in the entire room doesnt like him
(9:13:33 PM) Matt: and only you do
(9:13:37 PM) me: Whatever.
(9:13:40 PM) Matt: and you're not even playing
(9:13:42 PM) me: This is why I fucking disadd you, this is why you annoy me.
(9:13:46 PM) me: It's fucking bullying.
(9:13:48 PM) me: It doesn't matter.
(9:13:52 PM) me: There's no reason not to LIKE him.
(9:13:56 PM) me: He hasn't done a god damned thing to ANYONE.
(9:13:58 PM) me: AND YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT.
(9:14:12 PM) Matt: loook
(9:14:13 PM) me: What, he happens to have a higher pitched voice than everyone? is that it?
(9:14:19 PM) me: All he's ever been is fucking NICE
(9:14:26 PM) Matt: to you
(9:14:29 PM) Matt: and only you
(9:14:30 PM) me: And all you fucking people think it's COOL FUN ETC to make FUN of him
(9:14:35 PM) me: He's never done nayhting to you guys!
(9:14:35 PM) Matt: amber amber amber
(9:14:37 PM) me: He's a fucking KID
(9:14:38 PM) me: HE IS A KID
(9:14:44 PM) me: HE'S NICE TO ME BECAUSE IM NICE TO HIM!
(9:14:50 PM) me: You guys are needlessly rude, nasty, etc with him!
(9:14:50 PM) Matt: okay
(9:14:55 PM) me: "maximus is a fag"
(9:14:57 PM) me: "maximus is annoying"
(9:14:58 PM) me: etc
(9:15:09 PM) me: he hasn't done ANYTHING and he couldn't fucking hurt a fly because he's a KID and actually rather innocent
(9:15:33 PM) Matt: okay
(9:15:35 PM) Matt: yea
(9:15:41 PM) me: Yeah, so why the fuck exclude him?
(9:15:42 PM) me: Oh yeah.
(9:15:44 PM) me: Because it's COOL.
(9:15:48 PM) me: Because it's cool to pick on maximus!
(9:15:54 PM) me: It's cool to bully the little kid! Yeah, that's real fucking manly.
(9:16:07 PM) me: Bully someone three years younger than you. That's the way to get the ladies and respect!
(9:16:22 PM) me: Amirite?
(9:16:32 PM) me: It's immature, it's fucking rude, and it's unnecessary.
(9:16:38 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:40 PM) Matt: sure
(9:16:47 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:54 PM) me: He gets enough of that at school.
(9:17:01 PM) me: Gets fucking picked on, pushed around because he's smaller than everone.
(9:17:27 PM) me: He doesn't need to come onto fucking Xbox live and feel excluded because a fucking bunch of boys who just hit puberty decided it was a cool thing to pick on someone three years younger than them.
(9:17:49 PM) me: Mainly AJ, which is why I don't fucking like him. There's no reason for him to be mean to Max and he's really the one who started it.
(9:18:02 PM) Matt: no max is
(9:18:11 PM) me: Max didn't do shit and you fucking know it.
(9:18:24 PM) Matt: max lied
(9:18:26 PM) me: He talks shit sometimes. Fucking tell him off and be done with it.
(9:18:30 PM) Matt: about activing
(9:18:38 PM) me: Don't antagonize him.
(9:18:59 PM) me: There's something dispicable and deplorable about antagonizing anyone let alone someone who lacks the proper maturity and age to deal with that kind of shit!
(9:19:14 PM) me: Though I truly doubt all of your maturity at this poitn.
(9:19:15 PM) me: ^*point
(9:19:39 PM) Matt: okay
(9:20:05 PM) me: This is why I don't play gears.
(9:20:10 PM) me: You ask, WHY DONT YOU PLAY GEARS ANYMORE ZOMG
(9:20:21 PM) me: It's because of this stupid BULLSHIT that you and the others CONSTANTLY PULL whenever Max and you guys get together!
(9:20:54 PM) me: max is nice to me because i'm nice to him. I'm sure max would be nice to aj, steve, etc if they were nice to him but they lack the ability to be nice because they're fucking assholes.
(9:21:12 PM) me: They'll do anything for a laugh including harrassing someone.
(9:21:18 PM) me: I just thought you were above that shit.
(9:22:03 PM) Matt: i am
(9:22:14 PM) Matt: you know im a nice person
(9:22:20 PM) Matt: you know that
(9:22:21 PM) me: I know you are. So I don't know why you do this I HATE MAX
(9:22:24 PM) me: MAX IS A FUCK
(9:22:25 PM) me: stuff.
(9:23:18 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:23:24 PM) Matt: he is annoying
(9:23:40 PM) me: He's annoying. But he doesn't do it intentionally and that shouldn't cause hatred.
(9:23:53 PM) me: And even if you do hate him, you should ust keep it to yourself because he didn't really do anything wrong.
(9:24:35 PM) me: And it's not like you're superbad about it like aj and steve are.
(9:24:50 PM) Matt: what do you mean by that
(9:24:51 PM) Matt: ?
(9:24:57 PM) me: AJ and Steve are like
(9:25:05 PM) me: "Lol maximus, or should I say FAGISMUS"
(9:25:09 PM) me: when he hadn't said anything for a really long time
(9:25:21 PM) me: and it was pissing me off. maximus wasn't doing anything, wasn't replying
(9:25:42 PM) me: and they were continually antagonizing him every time at the dead zone
(9:25:44 PM) me: for NO APPARENT REASON
(9:25:48 PM) me: and he continued to not reply, kept quiet etc
(9:25:54 PM) me: Doesn't that fucking make you feel sad?
(9:26:50 PM) me: frankly I muted them all because it's that kind of bully mob mentality that I absolutely HATE in a person
(9:27:45 PM) me: why the hell is a 16, 17, and 19 year old ganging up on a 13 year old?
(9:27:52 PM) me: for the laughs?
(9:27:55 PM) me: that's WRONG
(9:27:57 PM) me: anyway you look at it
(9:28:09 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:28:46 PM) me: I can't hate steve because he's my brother
(9:28:48 PM) me: but I do hate AJ for it
(9:28:54 PM) me: and hate is a word I use rarely and honestly mean it
(9:29:25 PM) me: AJ is alwyas about "being cool" and "keepin it real" but I find nothing "cool" about harrassing a kid that age.

the conversation basically ended there...
i got tired... i'm gonna go to bed soon...

carcassonne is addictive

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

this game is addictive. they're offering it for free for everyone on the 15th because it's xbl's 5 year anniversary and i thought it wouldn't be too good.

5 hours and 9 achievements later, i proved myself wrong (that's right, i only have 4 achievements to go, weeee).

anyone who has xbl should really give it a try especially since today you can download it for free and have it forever.

google encourages stalking

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

By googling my phone number not only did I find my Dad's name, but I also found our address and a fuckin' map to where we live!

Good thing about apartments: it didn't show which apartment building we live in, so it would be impossible to actually track us down.

Anyway, I used gaminglagoon to get myself 1600 Microsoft Points. I can't believe it actually worked, haha... I bought Puzzle Fighter which is a pretty fun game, and kept 800 points in case a game comes out that I want to buy RIGHT away. <33

a

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Since I haven't had most of these lately, I'm going to write a "real" entry which isn't just filler links or video or something. I don't have much to say though, so I'll just let a UL do it:

I'm making a big image of a whole bunch of "secrets" I have. I don't know if I'll just end up deleting it in the end, but it feels good. I already have tons and tons and tons of secrets written down!
Amanda moved. I miss her. T___T
I was supposed to go to my gramma's a few days ago but I accidently stayed up too late, and when she called she just decided that we should do it some other time.
Fansubbing is going great. Because I subbed Momusu's Mikan (here) only a day after it came on TV, it so far has around 1.6k views, and even got a few awards a few days ago. I'm pretty proud of that.
Because people have been seeing that fansub, I have gotten at least 3 requests for me to join people's groups.
ROCK BAND COMES IN 9 DAYS UYHR$*IHRHW*YVHJNDVJKNSDKNVSCKNjvn
New layout : t0xicrain

That is all.

this is the reason I sub

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I turned on my laptop, checked my email, and found myself browsing the Hello! Online tracker, where I saw someone had uploaded an English-subbed version of Mikan– which they fortunately uploaded to Youtube for lazy people like me. So I clicked on the link to watch, and when I was reading the translation and watching the PV– I honestly almost started bawling. I really don’t know why. Kind of the same way I don’t know why I started crying when I watched Koharu performing a solo of ‘Ai Araba IT’S ALL RIGHT.’ It very well could’ve been the fact that I was really sleep-deprived and not 100 percent awake yet, but there was something that felt really, really epic about the PV and the song meaning together. Needless to say, I’m just a huge fan of this single now.

- This blog, talking about my subs for Mikan.

I sub because I feel the English community deserves to know the meaning of songs the day they come out as well as the Japanese community.
I sub because I know at least one person will enjoy it.
I sub for the community's sake.

So I googled my fansub name

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

And got some pretty interesting results. I think Sexy Snow is officially my most downloaded and shared video for whatever reason.
I'll leave out my profiles and official results but here are some interesting ones for "agrayrainbow":
- this person is offering my vids for download, which I'm completely OK with because he's giving credit
- Sexy Snow 1
- Sexy Snow 2
- Sexy Snow 3
- Sexy Snow 4
- Someone REQUESTING my W vid!?
- My translation of a diamond necklace article for Rika Ishikawa
- "What do foreign fans think of Chinese musumes?"
- Another one of my vids for download here
- I'm mentioned here, where I sang for a tribute for a friend that passed because of Muscular Dystrophy

"Whatever Dad, I don't even care." means that.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I know I'm going to sound seriously like a spoiled bitch in this post. But what do I really care. I don't. I just have to get my feelings out.

My dad's a pretty manly man, and to see him cry (or at least hear him sniffling, I couldn't bring myself to look over) is pretty upsetting. I thought he just had a cold until he started to talk and his voice cracked. He said something like this:

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

Yes, now that makes me look horrible. But you have to know the rest of the story, really.

I've been wanting the game Rock Band for a good 7 months. No joke. I have never wanted anything more, video game or otherwise. That's all I've been thinking about. I've been dreaming about the fucking thing. I played it at Best Buy and I wanted it even more. Dad continued to reassure me that, "it'll be fine", "we'll get it", getting my hopes up and everything.

But it's easy to fucking talk when the release date isn't 3 weeks away, isn't it!

Now, I know we've been having a hard time. Both our cars are broken and Dad has to buy new parts. I understand that completely. But I've been hearing rumors that it's going to be hard to get it if you don't get it on the release date, and you'll have to wait until Christmas or maybe even worse.

So, I wasn't about to make Dad go out and buy it. No fucking way, no fucking how. I was pretty depressed, until I came up with a plan that I thought everyone could relate to: Gramma preorders, buys it on the release date, and Dad can pay her back at his will. It's good for Dad because he can pay it back when he feels comfortable that we have extra money. It's good for Gramma because I'm not going to ask for anything for Christmas and all she has to do is this one favor. It's good for me because I get the game that I want for Christmas on the day it releases.

I asked Dad yesterday if this sounded okay, not keeping anything from him and telling him exactly what I planned to tell Gramma. He said "That sounds like a good idea, go ahead and call her when we get home." Great, okay, I'll be able to get it on the release date.

But apparently, Dad is PMSing today.

I sent an email to Gramma yesterday about it, and then she called me back today. My email included buying it online because I thought that would be most convenient for her. But she thought that it would be better to go into Best Buy and preorder, then pick it up and pay for it later, so everything can be done locally. I insist that she talks to Dad because I figure Dad wants to hear everything and wants to make sure that everything is okay.

He goes bat shit insane.

He starts talking about how we don't have any money right now, how I "just can't wait" for it, and making me look like a bad person who didn't even ask him about the whole thing. Basically trash talking me to my own gramma after I told her I had asked him and all. And I did, unless I somehow magically dreamt up asking him (pretty sure I didn't). He hangs up, angry with Gramma, goes into the bathroom pissed and crying or whatever, then comes out and grabs the box of games, walking out the door saying,

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

I NEVER fucking ask for anything. Ever. The last thing I asked for something was March 2007 when I asked for the Xbox 360. That means for 9 months, I've just been quiet and happy with what I had. Even when my Guitar Hero II was broken, I didn't ask for it to be replaced. I've just been happy with what I have.

But when I finally fucking ask for one thing (especially so near Christmas) and come up with a plan that I can get it, Dad goes fucking batshit insane.

You know what, Dad? Your fucking PMSing is causing me physical pain because I'm so upset and your mood swings aren't welcome around me. If I knew that this game would bring SO MUCH fucking turmoil to us, then I would have never even paid any attention to it.

When he walked out the door, I said, "Whatever, Dad, I don't even care. I don't even want it now." And that's the truth, because no amount of physical pain or emotional turmoil is worth some stupid fucking game, no matter how good it is.

I'm going to bed (even though I just woke up). Fuck it.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M GOING TO BE UP OR GET ONLINE, IF EVER SOON.

Right now I just feel like crawling in a hole and dying.

happy halloween

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I won’t be doing anything for Halloween but I just wanted to wish everyone a good one!
Now sleepy time for me.

tracking down old websites of mine

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I think this is the oldest I can find, archived @ Oct 09, 2002.

Meh.. I need to stop reliving my past. I keep searching down people like Leo, Mercy, Gin, and Li, but those people, although they were very important friends to me before, are now gone in my life. I need to let the past be the past and stop trying to bring it back. I need to focus on the future now, because that's what's important.

ct2 fangirling ♥

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I (and by I, I mean nyanko_nin) started playing Clock Tower 2 the other day. That is the ONLY game I think that I am better than her at 1 player mode in. I convinced her she should try to play it, and even hooked up the PS2 so she could. But she was hella confused and didn't know the exact steps to get through the level like I did.

It really made me think about old times back in 2002 and 2003 when I first saw that game. I rented Clock Tower 1 first, but I didn't really get to play it all that much so I asked Steve to rent it again for me (I didn't feel like going to the video rental store with my dad and him). He came back with Clock Tower 2 saying something like, "They didn't have the original one so I got this one".

I groaned with annoyance and decided to give this one a try. And although it had shoddy graphics and a confusing gameplay, I really loved the storyline and most of all, Bates. I don't know what it was, perhaps that I was a 12 or 13 year old girl and he seemed to be a badass guy, perhaps it was because he was the only good voice actor in the game, perhaps it was because he got all the best lines, but he was the one who made me shell out $40 to buy the game online (and $20 again on ebay later after I lent it to a friend I never saw again).

S'yeah, apparently Amanda (nyanko_nin) didn't get that far, but I started to watch the endings again on YouTube. I was of course very happy because I got to watch them but something that annoyed me the most was Bates' Japanese voice. It was a.. girl? What the hell? The voice actor sounded apathetic and there was no way in hell she could hold a candle to Roger L Jackson. When they say "Japanese voice acting is always better", they don't mean ALWAYS. Take it from me, rly.

Anyway, I think I'm getting back on a CT2 kick, which is always good. 8D Though I don't feel like unhooking the Xbox 360.. and just ended up playing UNO. I'm trying to get that last achievement! Can you blame me? That'll be the first game I ever finished. ♥ The second one will be ROCK BAND! Mwahaha, can't wait for that.

Well, money's been tight and I don't know whether I can buy The Orange Box but Dad said we could at least rent it again this weekend. I've been hyped about playing Team Fortress 2 again, which has serious replayability.

Maybe he'll buy it when I tell him he doesn't have to buy Army of Two in November (it was pushed back to 2008). Dale said he might get it too. Here's to hoping we have another multiplayer game to play, because as much as I like Gears I'm a little burned out on it...

PS: Rock Band's release date was pushed earlier, to Nov 20 which is 3 days earlier than Black Friday. Hurray! ♥

PPS: New layout

wtf

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

my monitor now has ~110px dead at the bottom, stretching from left and right of my screen rendering its resolution to be about 1280 wide and 900 height. which is ironically the exact resolution for widescreen monitors, something i didn’t want in the first place.

god damn it

dunno when i can get it fixed if ever until i get a job

The Companion Cube ...

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

is not salvageable. Steve came over this weekend and I played The Orange Box a lot, so we tried to do some fun stuff. The first thing that we tried was... to save the Weighted Companion Cube on Portal.

We played the game up to that point and then when it came time to throw it in the fire, I spent about a half hour trying to get that door to open with the Companion Cube. I made it so the Companion Cube leaned against the door (and two cameras on the other side so it would go at the right angle) and it fell into place without having to be on the button, therefore leaving the door open. I took the Companion Cube in the chamber with me, and then it proceeded to taunt me.

"Through no fault of our own, for the sake of everything participating in this test, you have managed to trap yourself in this room. A complimentary escape hatch will open in three, two...," GLaDOS taunted.

After that, I whined and told them that I was just going to use the cheat to put portals anywhere. I did and stood on the button, then made a portal at the back of the room. We realized that it doesn't taunt you and open up the hatch unless you actually have the Companion Cube with you.

We tried SO MANY things to get her to open the door along with letting us keep the cube. We found that even if we put a portal at the bottom of the incinerator, the cube would dissolve before we got it there. So then we put one at the bottom of the incinerator and one on the wall, and tried to bring it into the incinerator with us. It still dissolved as soon as we put it in the wall.

Through our studies of around an hour, we have figured out that it's IMPOSSIBLE to bring the Companion Cube back with us.

doing something

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm finally doing something with [songforxx.org](http://songforxx.org/)

I'm gonna write about Abe's new PV in a few days, look forward to that.

Anyway, the reason I'm mentioning it is because all my H!P/Ayu related rants are going to be there from now on instead of cluttering my journal, haha. (Not that I talk about it that often..)

Hopefully I have enough ambition to keep it going

I'm done with Video Games for awhile.

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to finish playing the games I rented and then I'm going to be done with video games for awhile.

Why? Because everyone online is a fucking JACKASS. I mean, mostly everyone. There are a rare few who are actually nice (who I met tonight) but the stress of the other assholes overpowers any sort of nice people in any sort of sense. The people who are rude are just too many, the ratio is like 1000:1. Every 1000 people I meet, one of them will be nice and actually civil.
Because everyone knows, Anonymous + Audience = Complete Jackass. Tonight I have really figured out this equation more than I have ever known it before.

And for that matter, every time Dale leaves I'm just going to leave too. The only reason I stayed was because some guy who I *thought* was nice and ended up being a complete and utter JACKASS. It just goes to show, you cannot trust ANYONE. ANYONE. AT. ALL. The only people you can trust in this world are your family, your close friends, and people you have known for quite some time. That's ALL.

Anyone else will guaranteed, given a few hours time, turn into a complete jackass simply because they think that they've grown "closer" to you or are on first name basis.

That's another rant I have. Other people on Gears hear me called by [redacted] by Dale and a few other people, and completely RANDOM people (whom I don't know the name of) decide that it's okay to call me by my first name.

What bitch? I didn't realize knowing me for an hour or two constitutes first name basis. Call me by my username at least until I know your name, and it's rude to casually speak to someone with their name if you've heard it third hand. I did not introduce myself to you, bitch, therefore you should have no fucking RIGHT to call me by my name.

Whatever.

/rant

I think I'm addicted to changing my layout

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I think I’m addicted to changing my layout. But, I’m going to keep it the same until I find a better one for now. 8D Also, I made my own mood theme. It features MOSTLY Niigaki, SOME Nakazawa, A LITTLE Nacchi, and sprinkles of other members. It features mostly Niigaki because I could find mood stuff for her the most because she’s the “reaction queen”.

Anyway, actual life events will be updated on later. Hurray ;D

I had a scary dream

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

It was the end of a field trip. It ended right by mom's house, and she offered to come and pick me up and Steve was with her. It was winter because I was in some big red winter coat, and my friend Casey gave me a cell phone to call my dad with. I didn't want to go with my mom because she's a bitch and I'd probably have to stay the night at her house, in which she'd harass the hell out of me.. so I kept declining and she was like "Whatever Amber, you're still my daughter". As soon as they left I sat down on the ground against the wall and was crying my eyes out.

Dale says it's because of my sympathy for her. I don't know what it is. I think I want to see her, and I wish she wasn't such a drunk bitch so maybe I could once and awhile. What is going to happen... I guess only the future can tell.

Counters..

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

November Releases for XBox360

Gears of War PC comes out November 6, 2007. It will cost $0 (what, you think I'm actually BUYING it?).
Army of Two comes out November 13, 2007. It will cost $60.
Rock Band comes out November 23, 2007 [Black Friday, blah]. It will cost $170 bundled.

Now, if any of you have any idea as to how I'm going to hit Dad up for $230, tell me. I might just ask for these for an early Christmas present.

Also, it was Ayu's birthday a few days ago. I forgot to mention anything, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY AYU! Hope you had a great one.

Yo

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I rented Bioshock and watched Amanda play it for like 11 hours straight, finishing it. I'm trying to convince her to get the rest of the achievements, not necessarily because I want the achievements (I mean I do, but mostly because) I want to see how pumped up the guy is with everything upgraded. XD

It was on easy, so in order to get ALL the achievements, we'd have to go back and redo it on hard. Amanda said to do that myself but I'm extremely bad at those games and I probably couldn't even beat it on easy, so I'm gonna have to give up on that achievement. There's a couple more that I know I probably won't get (one about atom, one about the info tapes). I still have about 4 days on it including today so I'm sure we can get a few more before we have to take it back in.

I might rent Halo 3 after that.. dun dun duuuun.

Documenting the lulz

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

This man has the nerve to call *ME* a fat loser.

I'm keeping this entry public so anyone who was or wasn't involved can read about it, and take the screenshots how they want to take them.

What happened was, fazeshot decided to post a thread regarding subbing Gyaruru's "Boom Boom Meccha Maccho" PV. However, he refused to bare in mind the following things:

Gyaruru is not H!P
The only lyrics that could be found were romaji
No one would probably be interested

Sure enough, there were only a few replies and no one was interested. Because we didn't want this to end up like jphip fansubs, SacredCultivator (the guy who runs Hello!Fansubs basically) made the decision that it would be best if that project was dropped.

Bare in mind fazeshot is the one who paid for the domain and supposedly started H!F (this should have nothing to do with it, but read on.)

Fazeshot goes basically apeshit with his first post (click here for a screenshot)

Seems like an elitist and stupid "rule" you have going there but sure w/e you lack interest in the project because it lacks "H!P fanboys rejoice here" stamp on it.. i understand... regardless of it being stamped with H!P or not its still in affiliation in my eyes but w/e I'm just the one who payed outta my pocket for the domain name and whatnot as well as sparked the interest in what is now H!F I have no say though none... I might as well just demote myself to Group: Noob, But Oh well thats how it's been since the beginning even when I was active. Honestly I just gave up because you always wanted to run the show so run it man I don't give a shit hence why I don't bother to go outta my way to help you guys with releases. You just pushed me outta the way and basically say "This is sacred's H!F" when I was the one who started the damn thing and was the one you talked to when we decided structure of the thing and you were assigned co-leader until you just totally tried to take over and make this yours... That's why I make no effort to help because I feel like u did nothing but shove me of my position which has always annoyed me and haku very much shit, when I was still active u denied haku a chance to help encode when he was one of the founding members BEFORE you!.

Oh yah and don't delete my post because i'm not in the mood to be "pushed aside" again.

So w/e call the shots big shot

(editor's note: this post was added in 10 minutes after the rest) Look sacred your a cool guy and all but i'm sorry I just had to tell my whole stance on the thing that I've thought for a while and kept under wraps for a long time.. yes I know u are the one who recruited a shitload of members and whatnot but still I should still have a majority say in things and not just be shrugged off as something less than a member

This was my pissed off response, which caused both SacredCultivator and I to be banned (click here for a screenshot)

[edit] Bare in mind this post was made before your little last line edit.

Sounds like a lot of pent up anger. Let me just say before I begin to write my response that I will always support SC and his decisions with H!F because he's definitely the one who does mostly everything around here. Now let me respond to each point.

The group is called HELLO!Fansubs if you haven't noticed. That tends to mean that everyone in here is interested in subbing Hello!Project. No one was even interested in the project and we understand that you'd like to suggest it but unless you're going to be doing most of the work yourself, you can't expect everyone to immediately want to jump on it just because you have "LOL POWERS" or "LOL AUTHORITY" or "LOL LEADER". This is a group effort and you don't really seem to realize that.

You paid out of your pocket? What, $20? We're very thankful and all but paying a couple bucks for a domain name and webhost does not give you supreme authority or rule, bud. I could just as easily have done the exact same thing for H!F and even offered to do so WITHOUT expecting anything like authority in return (or "This is awesome! You guys should totally bow to my will because, you know, I spent IN REAL LIFE MONIES"). You aren't doing ANYTHING with the domain and I've been doing most of the web maintenance. Bare in mind that it would be just as easy for us to buy another name and for me to set it up, because I'm sorry but I'm a hell of a lot more dedicated to web maintenance than you seem to be.

As for sparking the interest in H!F, 1) I don't really think there's a lot of "interest", no more than my own personal subs (only a few people have joined) and 2) if anything sparked any interest it's the releases themselves, not your "hard work" in "promoting" H!F.

What the fuck have you done around here? Timed once or twice? SacredCultivator has been putting so much of his free time and effort into making sure this doesn't end up dead like jphip fansubs. You don't give him ANY respect WHATSOEVER even though he tries his best to make this the best damn fansubs group out there. He always tries to be nice and make well informed decisions and you barge into this place as if you are some sort of fucking big shit because you happened to have a few extra bucks to dish out on an (unneeded) domain.

You don't bother to go out of your way because you DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HELLO!FANSUBS. Starting it means nothing if you don't continue through with what you have started. I don't see you leading the pack or even attempting to, I don't see you doing research about what kind of projects to start up (this was a hopeless one to begin with because there were no lyrics anywhere and it wasn't even H!P), and I sure as hell don't see you donating the kind of (PRICELESS) time that SC does around here. You're rarely online according to him and only show up when you want something for you.

Lol, wanna know something funny? We don't need you, fazeshot.. because no matter under what name, there will always be translators, timers, encoders, and etc that will see through your falsity and create a new group with us. If we did create a new group, the only thing that would change is the name because you sure as hell haven't been doing anything around here.

Using your so called "leet owner powers" only makes you look like an asshole. I had no opinion of you before this post, but as I'm sure the other members can see, you truly are the definition of "inflated self importance".

This is SacredCultivator's response, still being nice for some reason (click here for a screenshot)

Nah I am not going to delete your post.. I am going to leave it and have other members comment upon it...

And I will be nice about this...

First off, YES you did start up the Idea of the Group, I will give you that. Yes you did pay for a domain or whatnot BUT you have to keep in mind about this... I was quite against it in the first place... As I didn't want ANY money invested into this Group which is why if I am not mistaken had a FREE forum which WORKED for us... No members had complaints about it... Take careful note.. After we made the move.. what happened? Bam members didn't even sign up (We have a few refusing to re-register on here, and I try to keep in touch with them via messenger)... No I am not saying it is necessarily your fault for this, as you were doing what is best for the group.. but again I warned and said 'moving' can lead to problems and provided JPHIP as the best example.. and even now we are trying to resurrect it...

Go out of your way... hmmm.. yes int he beginning you two were active... And for Encoding... yes Haku offered to help as Encoder, but I subbed in because I have already had experience and if I am not mistaken Haku pointed out that he was still learning... In the end I am Global Encoder and we have had no problems thus far, I mean Sukebei is Global Encoder as well for H264/ projects he solo's on... No I am not necessarily pushing you the Founder and Haku aside... You gave up far too early... As I will say, you didn't really comment upon projects that were brought up, only one is the Reina DVD, which we are still working on as I got a new translator to help work on it. After that Project, you fell silent... And I DID contact you MANY times and you just never responded.. and when you did.. you still put the work aside...

Ex.
-Asked you to become affiliates with another Forum (You said I'll let the webmaster know...) Emmm yeah.. still don't see that site on the FrontPage so I kindly asked Amber to do so and she did so immediately (On another Front Page though, as it seems there are some problems with ours that whens he updates it is all screwy, and she doesn't want to go through the trouble to mess with it){You can ask Amber about this as yeah she offered to help out updating the frontpage as you said you would but didn't really and I gave about a week}

Also... I really hate to bring this one out on ya, but since you took this to that level.. You and Haku wanted to start up H!A... And you two were quite into it.. but seems you had trouble getting members right? Yeah this is where i was gonna say how I brought in most of the Members into the group, but read your edit, so I respect that in you.

But yeah I honestly didn't mean to 'shove' you aside... But the intention of this group was Hello!Mornings right? Hence the Hello!Fansubs.. So I felt it would only make sense to do H!F related Media, it isn't an 'elitist' move.. it makes logical sense... And seeing as to how even though Tsunku is the only affiliation between H!P/Gyaruru, I still feel that it is it's own thing... I still respect you for bringing up such a magnificent idea even though it took a turn and did other things apart from H!M's but have to realize the Translators come and go and sometimes they have their mind set on other thigns than H!M's and I have to respect that as they are the Translator and as I have various experience with other groups (Anime doesn't count in this sense as I think they do things much differently than live drama's/ whatnot) so I sort of have an understanding as to how crucial Translators are to groups so I give them as much 'lax' time as possible so they are not pressured in anyway.. Although I do feel sad that I pressured poor aimaime into doing Reina's DVD at a higher priority than his other project >< (Sorries aimaime).

And because of this I don't want you to just completely obliterate this forums or whatnot... So hope we can get in good terms in one way or another... As you know I don't mean to be all 'self-ish' or whatnot, but if I am a 'role-model' for others, and things aren't looking so great, I have to step up and put things in order, so I hope you can understand and respect where i am coming at.

My response and then SacredCultivator's response (keep in mind a lot of stuff has been going on in AIM like fazeshot calling me slut and bitch, which I am not pasting here due to SC's privacy) (click here for a screenshot)

i'm leaving
i don't enjoy being under the "rule" of someone like that
enjoy your aids, fazeshot, you immature fuck (banning SC and I? calling me names to SC over AIM? haha what is this, first grade?)

SacredCultivator's response

Mehs... Amber.... =`( bleh... you know how I feel about this so yeah... arge... so sorries about things... I should've figured something so great takes a fall when it climaxes... I'll miss you... although I'll still be working with ya over at jphip.. but still... things definitely won't be the same and I already told you the reason haha... Mehs..

@faze: Dont' get angry from Ambers comment.. as I told you I respect her that she is blunt the way she is... As it allows one to repair things just like how she came up to me about one of our members and their choice of colors to use, I took care of it instantly and things were solved... Again I really hope you understand the conversation we had via AIM....

Fazeshot showing his maturity, bare in mind I was never "DDoS"ed at all, and later he calls me a "geek" for having protection against it (click here for a screenshot)

You guys are cliquey sp? don't let me intrude on your little "in" crowd lol it seems like u guys are the ones on power trips seeing as U all think what u say goes and thats that.

P.S. amber enjoy the DDOS attacks you pissed off my webmaster so yah... have fun having random ping spikes for a while.. nothing I can do to stop him from that.

SacredCultivator's response (click here for a screenshot)

@faze: Emm we are close as we work together in another group + co-op projects... So yeah... which is why I am able to get along with her.. cause if you can't get along with her.. you are sort of screwed, as you can see from her message...

@Other Staff: Blah.. have fun reading what just erupted... Sorries, my fault for not realizing and confronting faze to sort things out before they got up to the climax...

Fazeshot once again showing his maturity

Oh she impresses me so much believe me actually she sounds like a geek bitch that needs some dickin'

Then he calls me a hypocrite for calling him a dumbfuck (which is not a name so much as it is the truth), and bans me from the forum (click here for a screenshot). My response to this is (click here for a screenshot)

that's okay, 'cause you know, banning me always gets rid of your problem and the counterargument.
at least i say this stuff to your FACE, not behind your back to SacredCultivator.
grow some balls, will you.

Then SacredCultivator makes the extremely mature and wise decision (with encouragement from Sukebei) to move back to the other forums and cut all ties with fazeshot and haku (click here for a screenshot)

Dear Staff,

In regards to the recent event that has occurred, Read Here, I along with a few other members feel it best if we just revert back to the Old Forums which is located Here.

I must apologize in advance for this Constant Moving back/forth... But it didn't occur to me that such an event would take place... So I think it best if we return to the old forums where we were accustomed to.

Although faze had great intentions for the Group in moving, it seemed that move hindered our group a little... And in the case of the recent event a dear member of ours has departed >< and she was quite an essential member to use, agrayrainbow shall be missed =`(

So what does this Move back mean? As some of you might not have realized, fazeshot/haku have been the Original Founders of what is now H!F. But due to how things went they both sort of were 'shielded-off' {I can't be held responsible for that due to the fat I am not a mind reader, so I don't know what is going on unless I am confronted, as in the case with agrayrinbow/gto, which was sorted out immediately when I heard word of it} Apart from that faze/haku took their 'leave' and when trying to contact faze for assistance, he acknowledges it but doesn't do so... It is his way of 'payback, ignoring'... I will not be cruel and post up our conversation we had via AIM, as I am sure you can all get the gist of things from the Thread I referred to in the beginning... The log between faze and I was only shared to 2 close Staff Members that I wanted to get their honest opinion as to what I should do. As those 1 was with me since the start and the other was slightly new but I trust that person.

In the end I feel it is best to go back to the 'past' but this time... Sadly.. I will have to relinquish both faze/haku from the group, as I don't want faze shedding $20 a month for the Server we are using when it wasn't necessary, and don't want them to feel like I am not acknowledging them as they won't be part of H!F anymore so they don't have that strain on them...

PS:
For those that are like WTF and all after the thread referred, and feel you might need to read the Conversation we had, do PM/email/IM me and I will show you...

So in light of these events I understand if the moving is a hassle and if you'd like to continue helping us our at H!F do make the switch on back, and if you just can't handle the mess and feel it best to leave I fully understand and thank you for your assistance in H!F.

I will now be active over at the Old Forums, so any Posts in regards to Projects can be made There, and any replies outside of Projects can still be made here if wanted. As i have already transferred most of which I think is now up-to-date at the old forums.

For the new Members that joined exclusively to this site, please Register at the forums I linked to and I will have you upped to Staff. {I will Email you as well}
Members:
TheProteosAgna
aimaime

LOL UPDATE 1
Fazeshot continues the bullshit, screenshot here

First of the only thing I said to sacred was you act like a fool and a dumbass when I was explaining to him something else. Trust me I would have no problem "saying stuff to your face" its the internet you dumb cunt I know you mistake it for real life because your such a fuckin fat geeky loserbitch but its okay like I said you'll get cock someday.. Until then choke on your own vomit.

Anyway off to study because you know.. some of us people that exist outside the internet have something called a life and don't spend 99% of their time staring at a blank forum and making little pretty Fansubs. GJ you can make karaoke! *clap* wheres that gonna get you in life

OMG I FOUND A PICTURE OF AMBER! Click

I think SacredCultivator is annoyed of this too (screenshot here)

@Faze: Emmm just gonna make my point..

'hypocrite' called Amber one and... you just showed hypocrisies by saying 'GJ you can make karaoke! *clap* wheres that gonna get you in life' ehhh then wtf you arguing about being 'left-out'?

We all have a life... Without it.. you'd be dead.. come on common sense tells you that... Right? It just depends on how BUSY one's life is... And Being BUSY with Fansubbing is still a Life...

I don't know why you make things worse...

Ignore my own hypocrisies here but it is to just make my point as you don't realize it..

Okay.. as you said, 'Anyway off to study because you know.. some of us people that exist outside the internet have something called a life and don't spend 99% of their time staring at a blank forum and making little pretty Fansubs.'
Really? Then why did you shed the extra minutes of your 'life' finding Ambers picture?
Blank forum.. get real... In the beginning I already KNEW our forums wouldn't be active in terms of the Public, we use the forums to discuss projects not for the Public per say, although that is a plus.

And to end it all... Requoting you, 'GJ you can make karaoke! *clap* wheres that gonna get you in life', then why the f' did you create H!F? Please... just because you are out of H!F now.. you show this side of yourself to make yourself look that much worse... And ouch.. How dare you say that about Fansubbing, alright now go to some well known Groups that sub and say that to them... I can just about Guarantee you that most of those Fansubbers have a much busier life than yours and still get by with fansubbing.

Heck again... If you have such a 'great/busy life' outside of the internet.. why do you bother Replying back?

One can go on and on about this and in the end no matter which way anyone sees it... In terms of argument... you have lost...
^You can argue back and forth, but heck as the Members see it, you really lost....

As sad as I am to say all this... ouch... Just ouch at what you made of this...

EDIT:
Deleted her.. oh nice... can't handle her arguing with you huh? Ouch yet again ><

Deciding not to fuel the flame, though he's a lulzcow it's getting old and he's running out of lulz saying the same thing over and over again (screenshot here)

I already have a boyfriend, love. Googling "geeky fat girl" won't find my picture, btw. ;D

"your such a fuckin fat geeky loserbitch but its okay like I said you'll get cock someday.. Until then choke on your own vomit."

Keep making yourself look like a fool, I'll just keep screenshotting all of your dumbass posts.

My original post obviously hit way too close to home for you, so you, like the script kiddie you are, upon finding out that you couldn't "leet hax" me, you fell back to trolling. Horrible trolling at that, trolling is supposed to inspire hatred and anger in your subject, and it just inspires my pity for you. I really do feel sorry for you, Internet Tough Guy, but until you close down these forums I will continue to respond to you in a mature way-- something you obviously are incapable of.

Also, deleting me is not going to work... closing your ears and singing "LA LA LA" and looking the other way isn't exactly the mature way to handle things either.

And this is relevant so I figured I'd throw it at the end: an empty threat (nothing has happened) by Fazeshot through PM (click here for a screenshot)

Hey cunt touch the forums again and me and the webmaster can ddos ur net into submission

there are lulz to be had!

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I always think it’s funny when people post empty threats to me. It’s only happened once or twice (I remember being threatened to be reported to authorities before!) and today is one of those rare days that it happened.

At hello-fansubs, I basically wrote a long ass reply fucking up fazeshot’s ego with the truth, and he (childishly) banned myself and someone else that was in the conflict, then sent me a PM (while I was banned ‘cos he’s a genius) that said something like:
“Fuck with the forums again, DDoSing is fun”

Yes, I was fucking with the forums, because I wanted to get him back (and had his ftp info, lulz). I’ve since moved on however, and then he sends the other person involved in the conflict something like this:

“lol hope she enjoys, my friend is ddosing her and sending her packets”

This guy obviously doesn’t know what he’s talking about. My connection hasn’t done anything weird since, so he’s fucking moronic.

This is why I stick to places like jphip fansubs in the first place… lmao.

Sorry

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Sorry I haven't been updating a lot. It's mostly because I'm always talking about things that annoy me and never really talking about the good things in life. Since my life has been fairly good lately, I've had no reason to update. Heh.

I suppose that I should write an entry about the things that are going well in my life, or what has happened lately, hmm?

Amanda (who has actively been wishing her name was Aimee) has been staying at my house. She has her computer set up on my living room table, and all those wires have added to the clusterfuck which I'd like to call underneath my computer table. We have both our computers plugged in, so she enabled network sharing and took The Sims 2 (and all expansions) from my computer. It doesn't even work on mine.. so I uninstalled a few expansion packs and I hope that'll fix the problem, because I really wanna play.

Off of that topic, have you ever just stopped and realized, "wow, I might be going to spend the rest of my life with this person"? I mean, I've been dating the same person for at least 5 or 6 months, but this is just now setting in fully. It's not even a debate with myself, it's really what I think is going to happen. And even though my gramma keeps urgently encouraging me not to settle down young, she has to realize that I am not her. I think that's been a hard thing for her to realize, and she knows just as much as I do that I'm most likely going to marry young. Everyone is different (Amanda is a case in point, she doesn't even want to think about getting married until she gets out of the marines) but I know what I want to do as far as that goes.

Off topic: Does anyone have any really good computer games they could suggest? I'm bored.

I hate Risako.

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Yes, I said it. I hate Sugaya Risako. Why is that? She looks so SNOBBY. ALL. THE. TIME. I have yet to see a picture besides ancient ones that she actually smiles with her TEETH. Her smile and narrowed eyes somehow scream "I'm better than you, everyone loves me. Deal with it." It's very obnoxious; she seems like the girl that would look her nose down on everyone.

Until I get any proof otherwise, I'm going to believe that she is that type of person.

Prove me wrong, flist.

Finally

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Okay so FINALLY John came over and installed my 128mb graphics card. It's nice to be able to play Maple Story and go to veoh.com without it lagging and such, and combined with a faster internet I think that's enough to compel me to start using it a little more often. xD

From 150kb/s to 600kb/s by Friday

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I upgraded from 1.5mbps DSL to 6mbps DSL. I think it's gonna make a huge difference.

This will also mean I can upload 160kb/s, which will mean I'll be more inclined to upload when I can upload faster than I used to be able to download!

As for life, not much is going down. Dad and I have both agreed to start to try a little harder on the driving thing, and I'm going to go to a temp service to get a job after I have my GED. <3

I'm gonna go play a Harvest Moon that WON'T delete my game now-- Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life! Then again, it did mess up when I was playing this game before (had to send in my Gamecube.. but that's another story all together.)

lol wait wut

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Last night I casually mentioned that it would be cool if I could have 600kb/s download instead of 150kb/s download, and showed dad the catalog. He said it would be okay, so I was really happy. But since it was like 3am, I went to bed, saying something like "we'll talk about it tomorrow".

Tomorrow is now, and this is what happened

me: Can I call those people now?
dad: How much did you say it was again?
me: $35.
dad: More?
me: No, the flat out price.
dad: Okay..
me: So I can call them?
dad: Sure. Wait, well is it going to cost me $50 later? Read the fine print, is this like a 3 month deal?
me: No.. they've had this plan for years.. it's not a trick.
dad: Okay whatever.
me: *Goes into bedroom, gets phone, dials*
dad: Didn't I just pay $200 to make that thing faster? [He's talking about the ram he bought LAST SUMMER + the hard drive he bought JANUARY 2005]
me: Uhh.. do you not want me to do this?
dad: This isn't the best time to ask me, Amber, I stayed up all night accidentally playing poker on the computer and now I have to go into work.
me: Well, whatever.. I'll do it tomorrow then..

WTF?!

"lol but leik u r so smrt."

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

My gramma called today saying something like..

"Your counselor called, she sounded like she was going to have a heart attack. She said you didn't answer the phone. I told her you decided to quit school, and she was devastated. She thinks you're too smart to quit school because you were taking college classes... she wants you to have a conference with her so that you guys can work something out. She said she can understand people who drop out because they're having trouble, but she can't understand why someone like you would drop out."

So, being smart means I can't quit? Apparently, if I were a dumbass, I could easily drop out but because I was getting all As and taking college classes that means I get harassed by the school. That pisses me off.. and made me make a suggestion to Amanda:

"I should've went back to school and started having "troubles". You know, like, writing DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU for essays, and refusing to do anything in gym. That might've been funny for the lulz."

She suggested that I go back and do just that, but I told her it was too late because that would mean I would have to start making up hours. Anyway, I've made up my mind.

LOL MICROSOFT SUCKS

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

After the update there are currently 3 unresolved issues:

Voice Chat
Matchmaking
NAT Type Detection- what was set to Open is now set to Moderate or Strict and can't be manually changed. Problems: Can't join friends online. Can't chat with friends online. May not show friends online but they are.

The team is aware of these issues and is currently working on them. They have no timeframe except ASAP!
The suggestion is too not change any port information, nor to change router settings, etc. (Do not change anything to your current setup.)

This was posted on Major Nelsons Blog: A small number of people are having issues with incorrect NAT type detection. The team is aware and working hard to resolve it as quickly as possible.

HB

Yes, that's exactly why I paid for live! To have them screw me over when I want to play! Thanks, Microsoft! Yet another fucking lovely product from a fucking lovely company!

Important

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I quit high school.. a lot of reasons, mainly being because I don't feel it's necessary if I don't plan to "shoot high" and go to college like most others. There's been a lot of drama about it but now my dad knows (he was really nice), my gramma knows (she was extremely mean and "disappointed"), assuming my mom will know soon, and my brother knows. Not to mention my friends of course.

It's kind of funny.. I just said in a passing way, "I'm thinking about quitting school." to a couple of my friends the day before I started going back. A conversation like this was held with someone I consider to be my "friend" sorta.

me: "I'm thinking about quitting high school."
him: "Why? You only have a year left."
me: "Lots of stress, I don't think I'm learning anything, waste of time. Not like you'd miss me anywho."
him: "Not really."
me: "Haha, didn't think so.."
him: "Well, if we never see you again, we know why."

I thought it was pretty humorous, this is the right way to be humorous. Telling me "well congrats on ALMOST finishing highschool!" in a joking yet condescending way is not the way to get on my high list (this quote from Steve, whom realized it upset me and apologized).

Anyway, I've stopped going. It feels great not to be dreading having to go back to school, it feels great to not have to do something (though dad says we need to definitely start learning how to drive so I can get my GED and get a job). I think this is the right decision at this point in my life.

A funny thing that happened today to get us off the subject-- Amanda and I went to Dairy Queen and we went to the window, annoyed that the lady was talking some other guy up instead of serving us.. until we listened to the conversation, in which we were trying not to laugh the whole time.

"Service" old lady: "Yeah, haha."
Weird guy: "It's so nice to just be able to talk to people here. In Boston, they either shun ya' or shoot ya'. Hahaha."
SOL: "Really?"
WG: "Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty intense. People around here are still getting used to it."

By now, I'm avoiding looking at Amanda or I'll burst out laughing, seeing that she is smirking and trying not to laugh. We avoid looking at each other before the creepy guy says his goodbye and leaves, and we order. As soon as we get back to the car with our stuff, we BURST OUT laughing, because it was just so weird and funny.

& I played Gears today.. it was actually an interesting and fun experience for once. Maybe I just needed a break from it for awhile. I promised Max I'd help him with Insane so that's my main to-do tomorrow. Yar. -yawns- SLEEP time for me~ No sleep for 24 hours gets to me~

(PS: I think "tired" does not cut it for the mood, just amplify that times over 9000)

don't wanna

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

i don't want to go to school
i really don't want to school
it's scary
i don't want to get lost
omg
omg
i'm freaking out here
aaaah
fuck.

too lazy

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Too lazy to take pictures of what I got. But here's the stuff that sticks out:

Gears of War t-shirt
Portable CD Player
Pokemon Fire Red
Harvest Moon DS
Picross DS
Some 23-in-one game thing
Mario Kart DS

SCHOOL DREAD! Hurray 8D

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I really am dreading school even though I get back in later than everyone else.

I don't want to have to take gym.. I don't want to change clothes during the day. I'm extremely modest so I'll probably have to change in the bathroom stall.

Community service I'm not so worried about when I came up with the idea to get a job at Deer Forest and then work for no pay (for "community service" anyway).

I don't want to learn how to drive!

I don't want to talk to the counselor who's going to ask me why I haven't picked up the phone and why I didn't register for some stupid college class I didn't even want to join in the first place.

I don't want to have to fumble and find my way around the Vo-Tech center for the first week because I'm foolish.

teh daily ritual

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Hopefully my daily ritual September 2007+:

8:00am through 4:00pm - School
8:00am to 9:00am - Gym
9:05am to 10:05am - English 12
10:10am to 11:10am - Current Events
11:15am to 12:00pm - Lunch
12:00pm to 4:00pm - Computer Networking
4:00pm through 7:00pm - Sleep (nap)
7:00pm through 8:00pm - Gears of War
8:00pm through 10:00pm - TCG stuff
10:00pm through 1:00am - Maple Story
1:00am through 2:00am - Ragnarok
2:00am through 7:00am - Sleep

Not much to update with, but something interesting I guess :)

"What is your favorite time of day?"

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Prompt #5

My favorite time of the day is night. This really gets me in trouble because mostly everything goes on during the day. I love everything about the night though. I love that it's dark, I love the smell, I love how you can see the stars when it's really clear. The thing I love the most about night though is that I can be alone most of the time.

"What is the worst thing parents can do to their children?"

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Oh noes I missed a few days on the writing prompt *dead*

Writing Prompt #4: "What is the worst thing parents can do to their children?"

I think the worst thing that ever happened with me is that my dad just didn't care. He stopped caring enough to push me to do well, and he never pushed me to drive (which is one of the reasons I'm not driving right now). I know he loves me but he's trying so hard to be a friend that he forgot he has to be a parent and force me to do stuff every so often. This is the worst thing a parent can do because it makes their child extremely lazy.

[update 2024: we didn't even think to mention our mother because we just didn't consider her to be a parent at all]

Number one example of a bipolar's

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

NOTE!:
Most complaining in this post is based around my own selfishness and being jealous of FRIENDS and a VIDEO GAME.
I mean, seriously. Who gets jealous over a VIDEO GAME? not to mention FRIENDS?!

I'm not going to do a writing prompt today because I'd rather talk about my day for once.

I woke up around 1am to 2am..ish. Talked to Matt because today was going to be my day with him, we were gonna play Yahoo! Graffiti but we never did (we ended up playing other things and played Graffiti the day before). I tell him I want to play Gears, even though I had been waiting for Dale to get on I figure I waited enough and that we should go play.

I go to make a match and then Matt says someone else is joinable. He said I might not want to join it because it's Shep's game but I said "I don't fucking care", realizing that Dale was supposed to be over there I figured they were split screening or something. Little do I know, Dale's on another username. Without any sort of notice to me.

So obviously I'm getting really upset, not pissed, upset. On Escalation I said I wanted a sniper, and then the next round LinX took one..

I literally started crying..
..over a sniper getting ganked.

Yes, it might seem like that on the surface but there was so much happening at the moment that just pressed down on me. The compounding of:

Waiting for Dale only to see that he was in a game already and didn't even bother to tell me the username he'd be using much less send me an invite
Dale paying absolutely no mind to me (see NOTE at the top)
Not being able to win and I'm a poor loser (it's literally impossible with their laggy ass connection, not to mention that many hosts on one team)
Having a really bad day
Getting actived down all the time
LinX taking the sniper

All that just made me cry and actually feel like dying, like most every day anyway. So then I was fed up, so I left (the final move on me was me getting actived). Then they have the nerve to say I think she's mad and send me a message why'd you leave?.

I then went to go spend the rest of the night with Matt. Damn, was the rest of the night fun! He really made me forget about being upset, haha. First we played Command & Conquer 3, which I beat him at as I usually do, but he didn't complain or anything. We just talked most of the time and such. After playing C&C, we played Gears. This was the most fun part of the night.

We decided to go 1 on 1 after seeing that no one really wanted to join. I kept shooting his head off (we were sniping against each other) and then he said something like maybe I'm LETTING you win which caused me to start to let him win. XD

When I was trying to snipe Matt's head on the next match, we were talking about food and I said something like "I'll eat any meat as long as it has turkey on it!" I meant to say barbecue sauce. A second passed.. and then Matt said "What?" and then I started laughing SO HARD because I sniped his head but at the cost of looking really, really stupid. On this match though, we just messed around a lot until someone actually joined. His name was freakin' slicedogg. We had a conversation like this..

Matt: Who freakin' names their Xbox Live profile "slice dogg"?
Me: Apparently a lot of people, because he had to put numbers after it.

Laughter ensued. Then, on Gridlock, all sorts of people joined. The most notable being HOWHI (pronounced Howie), whom we kept joking was our best friend (we laughed at his name for SO long), Brian2893832 (then I made a joke about them being in a boy band together), and Man on Crack420 who proved that he was really on crack by being a shitty sniper and inevitably losing the round for us all the time. Next match, on Canals, we made a SUPER TEAM!:

HOWHI
Man on Crack420
winter twilight (me)
MobCityMANNG (Matt)

We were in private chat the entire time and I don't even think they had mics, but it was fun as hell. It was rather close too. We were up against two super evil guys with guests (one being MightyMouse-- by this time, we were joking how all the freaks come out at night). Whenever the guest would active me down, I'd just boot him haha. That round ended up being 7 to 7, until Man on Crack420 proved to be a valuable asset by winning it for us!

We were laughing 98% of the time and I laughed so hard I cried, and laughed so hard I snorted a few times. But after Canals I could tell Matt was getting drowsy and sure enough he said he wanted to go to bed, so I said goodbye and joined back to Shep's game.

Big mistake.

I got in a message-argument with Dale again, which started off with me APOLOGIZING, then taking the blame for any argument caused. I'd rather take the blame all the time than have an argument. I didn't talk a lot, I recall only talking 2 or 3 times, and that was to RuRaK or LinX (both of whom were definitely high). RuRaK said some pretty nice things about me so I was happy, but of course the connection was laggy and also I wanted to go Locust and they pushed Start before I could.. so I just left.

Mostly, a very mixed emotion night, but I think the good times outweighed the bad times. Just thinking back at it makes me laugh. I definitely gotta do this way more often.

"What is your favorite room in your home and why?"

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Writing Prompt #3: What is your favorite room in your home and why?

My favorite room is the living room! Not only because I have a lot of funny memories in here, but also because it's where I spend 97% of my time (1% in my bedroom to sleep, 1% in the bathroom, 1% in the kitchen). It has my TV, my computer, and the bigger TV. It's close to the kitchen and close to the bathroom. I only use the bedroom to sleep, as to try to avoid insomnia (I read it in an insomnia book somewhere: don't use your bed for anything but sleep or sex).

Short one today, but that's because I'm too busy playing games with Matt, haha.

"What is something you do well?"

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Writing Prompt #2: What is something you do well?

I'm glad this topic is a little more positive than yesterday's. The thing that I think I do the best is sing. In fact that's mostly the only thing that I feel the right to brag about. As most of my friends know (I talk about it sometimes when we get into a 'singing' or 'choir' debate), I've been Section Leader of my choir several years in a row and got a I (the highest rating) at State Solo & Ensemble. Another great achievement was breaking top 10 in the soundclick charts for jpop.

Even though I love to sing, I'm the type of person who can't stand the stress of other people so I quit choir because of the teacher. I also had a run in with Sekai no Melody until I realized they were all a bunch of wannabe losers who liked to cause drama. There is an old saying (or if this isn't a saying, it should be): When many girls get together, drama starts. I'm not like that, and I don't like that. Another reason why I'm kind of a loner person. In school, so many people have tried to pin rumors on me and I tend to brush them off and keep to myself.

But I digress. The main thing I think I am good at is singing. That's my answer for today.

Writing Prompts

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to start using writing prompts again because I fail hardcore at updating if I don't. I'm using the prompts from the first page I got from googling: this one. I'll try to update daily, which should last me awhile. I refuse to do stupid ones though, like "WHAT IF THE COWS GAVE ROOTBEER INSTEAD LULS."

First prompt: "What is something you dislike about yourself?"

The #1 thing would have to be my lack of friends and the REASON I lack friends. I know perfectly well why I lack friends, I've attempted to change it, and I can't. This is just the way I am. (I started thinking about this when I was talking to Matt about it the other day.)

The only reason I lack friends is the plain and simple fact that I am bipolar. If all you out there in LJ land don't know what bipolar is I suggest you read the Wikipedia article but here's the condensed version: people who are bipolar go through "stages" of moods. I'll paraphrase.

Stage I: "Depressive phase" (aka "Bad Days"): Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, shyness, chronic pain (with or without a known cause)*, lack of motivation

* most of the time the chronic pain is in my stomach, I'll feel weak to my stomach for no apparent reason

Stage II: "Mania" (aka "Really Good Days"): Rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, increased interest in goal-directed activities, more severe version of Stage III

Stage III: "Hypomania" (aka "Good Days"): An uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny, 'artistic' state, flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, obsessional behavior, ability to improvise easily on the spot, increase in subconscious movement*, excessive sexual activity, increased self-esteem, being more talkative than usual or feeling pressure from within the thought process to keep talking (i.e., cannot stop until the story is done)

* usually biting my nails

Stage IV: "Mixed State" (aka "Really Bad Days"): A condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously. Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted.

When I'm in a Stage VI mood, I will snap at people randomly, feel guilty later, cry randomly, snap again, have hot flashes because of random anxiety, etc. That's just the way I am and hell if I'll take medication to stop it. Also, if you're curious, today is a Stage III for me. Yesterday was Stage II.

Why the point of this? To explain why I don't have friends, naturally: when someone catches me in a bad mood, I go OFF on them. Normally what happens...

1) I get pissed off because of some small little minuscule thing that others wouldn't even notice.
2) Go off on my current target. It may not have been who caused it, most likely it's one of my really good friends, usually I bitch about it to them but occasionally my "target" is a friend that I don't really consider to be really a good friend, but because they caused the problem I go off on them.
3) Anger lasts 10 minutes, but in those 10 minutes I say something EXTREMELY stupid. Because I'm prideful I refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that I did anything wrong.
4) Somewhat-good-friend either takes this and understands how I am (becoming a good friend) or stops talking to me so often, and stops being my friend.

Believe it or not, 96% of people land in the last group, the people who know I'll do it again and prefer not to be stressed out by my bitchiness. The only two people that I know who have really been able to "accept" that I do this is Matt and Amanda. Dale is not one of those people because whenever I get angry I deliberately direct it away from him, because I'm afraid that if I do that too often he'll stop liking me.

The people who are my really good friends have learned that I do this and can get past it anyway. And I'm glad that they can, because this is my major flaw and what keeps people away from me. That and the fact that I'm a "loner"-- I genuinely prefer my own company and rarely talk to anyone (usually it's others talking to me, and usually it's unwelcome, at least at school).

Matt said the reason he doesn't mind it is because he knows I'm not that way all the time, and that I can be awesome when I'm not angry or sad. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..

[edit] My brother just got a leopard gecko and sent me a frantic message to help him on xbox because he thinks his gecko is sick. I gave him all the tips I could and he's still worried, and it makes me really heartsick and almost makes me wanna cry because he's so worried about it. He even has a little coconut for the gecko to go in when he has to shed. He's been really considering hard a gecko and researched it, and I am going to be really pissed/sad if the gecko is sick. I'll probably cry, hell, I almost am right now.

i need to update

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

yars. i'm too lazy to, so i'll update in a few days.

back to school on sept. 4. gah. at least it's the last year. [that's what i'll keep telling myself. i'll pretend like i wont have to go into the workforce after that, and then have to go every single day of my life.]

btw. my username change ended up being first to mobcityMAKOTO but then upon getting angry at those people i changed it to winter twilight.

i like this name a lot better.

Begin killing me now..

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm thinking about changing my XBox Live name. Again. For the last time. This is mostly because Manng obviously wants to join AJ's new clan thing and I just don't see the point in having TheOnlyNate anymore-- so, which one of these would all of you there out in LJ land prefer to see me be known as?

01) six Eighteen [I'm not sure if I could even begin to enjoy being called "six" all the time though.]
02) gray scale [I like this one a lot, but I'm not sure if it's already taken. I tried many variations and they all seemed to not be taken but I might be wrong.]
03) F0REV3R [This is probably my favorite out of the three, and the one I will most likely pick unless I can get a really strong argument for one of the other two.]

BTW I will soon be getting a "new" graphics card (AGP Radeon 7500 128MB)-- I already bought it and am awaiting it at my doorstep. May the days fly by. :]

Nevermind! I'm joining MOBCITY so I'm gonna be mobcityMAKOTO.

Annoyances + Thankfulness

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Annoyance #1: Dad awakens. Tells me he has to make a doctor's appointment for me, "just to check up". I am up in arms about the idea, screaming in a doctorphobia that there's "nothing wrong with me and I don't need a checkup". I tell him it's a waste of time and money, and he says it doesn't cost anything. I then complain that I'm afraid of the doctor and there's no reason to put me through something I loathe for no apparent reason. He understands.
Annoyance #2: Get on Computer, get on Skype to realize Dale has been on for awhile and he's just been playing Maple so he wasn't on AIM. That annoyed me because I wouldn't've gone and played Gears if I would've known he was online but it doesn't matter anyway because he went to go play Maple when I was online.
Annoyance #3: Finished a kickass graphic only to realize it doesn't work with my journal. Only have small despair because I didn't feel like color coding the CSS anyway. I'll try to find a layout that works with it later...
Annoyance #4: Another subbing group subbed Onna ni Sachi Are without karaoke within a day. This makes me mad because 1) they normally sub ANIME, 2) they suddenly decided they want to sub PVs, 3) they're taking away people that would normally download our releases. But whatevs. It's a really good song.. so whoever wants to sub it can. And may the best subbing group win.
Annoyance #5: If you know me at all, from 12+yrs I lived with my dad. That means, I went through puberty and such when I was with him. I never learned ANYTHING from him. I had to learn everything myself, including shaving my legs. Without saying much I guess everyone will know I'm pretty pisspoor at it. I did an especially horrid time tonight.
Annoyance #6: At first, Steve tried to say they can "only take Danny and me, or just me, not all three of us". For some reason, Tim changed his mind at the last minute. I know that will mean less going out to eat and shopping and stuff but I don't really care: it was fucked up that they wanted to take Danny and not Caleb, and I felt really really really sorry for him. I was so ecstatic when they said they'd take Caleb too.

Thankfulness #1: Video-thief-person's video taken from youtube! Then again, so was mine because AVEX are nazis, and I don't really feel like losing 300 favorites again so I'm trying not to hit "strike three".
Thankfulness #2: . It's such an interesting community and fun to read. It's like the best-of-craigslist only it's updated frequently every day.
Thankfulness #3: Japanese message boards which translate things. 'Cept for the fact that someone insulted me there.. o__o People are weird.
Thankfulness #4: Matt and Amanda who continue to be really good friends, Dale who continues to be a great boyfriend. I want to thank them so much for that.
Thankfulness #5: Onna ni Sachi Are is a great single, reaffirming my faith in the religion that is Tsunkuism. *prays* If he keeps putting out great singles I might have to buy one one of these days!
Thankfulness #6: Mostly everything is going great in my life right now..

I have nothing *truly* to complain about. And for that, I am blessed (by whom, I wonder, considering I'm an atheist?.. maybe Tsunku).

Going to Mom's on Wednesday

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to Mom's on Wednesday.. she said:

1) I can have her "old" computer (which in reality is like a year old) which is good.
2) She will buy me birthday presents.
3) I can drive her new convertible mustang.
4) She will buy me school clothes.

So I was like Whatevs. :| Haha.

Also it's Steve's birthday today. Even though he can't read this I wish him a happy birthday. :] Big 16!

Oh..

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Dear dad,

I didn't realize leaving a practically full bag of a snack laying on the table meant that it was open season on it and that it would be eaten, in full, by you.
I'll remember to fucking hide my snack next time, even though that's BS and I shouldn't have to.

PS: You can explain to Amanda your rule... then she'll know why I ate the rest of her's, though her's only had a little left.

Dearest body

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

You have given me a lot to be thankful over the years. Intelligence, my height, my eyes, my lips, among other things. But I have to say, I'm afraid the bad outweighs the good on this one. I have a few things to graciously ask of you:

1) lazy + slow metabolism = disaster. You are a fatass. I'm sorry, but it's true. Doesn't eating ~1000 calories a day do ANYTHING? You know damn well I'm not going to exercise to get that shit off.
2) I am not a Neanderthal. I seriously do not need this much hair on my legs nor on my eyebrows. My eyebrows is the main thing I'm worried about though. It's so hard to maintain one's eyebrows when one lacks the proper tools to do so. I will NOT ask my dad to waste his money on makeup or aesthetics when we're barely making it as it is. All I can do is humbly ask you to STOP GROWING ALREADY.
3) When I brush my hair, a mandatory of 3 pounds of hair comes out. I feel like I'm either a shedding cat or I have cancer. I tried using new shampoos and conditioners. I tried brushing softer or harder. It seems no matter what I do I'm doomed to a life of thick hair that comes out easily.
4) Wtf, toes? On the left foot we have.. middle toe longer than the big toe. That would be okay if it WENT THE SAME FOR THE OTHER FOOT! Instead, in the right foot we have big toe longer than the middle toe. Can I at least ask for symmetry?
5) Stomach oh stomach. Why do you always pain me? I woke up today not knowing whether I wanted to eat or puke.
6) The last and biggest quarrel I have with you is your sleeping pattern. I went to bed at 5pm today and I wanted to wake up around 9am. Instead, you decide it's proper to wake up at 6am and will not allow me to go back to sleep. I then take a shower and here we are. Is it too much to ask for a sleeping pattern 3am to 11am? That's all I want.

Humbly yours.

(PS: Today I'm going to be playing Gears for as long as humanly possible, that is, until I go to sleep. I'm hoping to get to sleep around 3am. Realistically it'll probably be 11pm. Blah!)
(PPS: Never mind, that got boring after one match.)

Cheating is for.. cheaters. But what is

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Dale and I had a conversation today, well.. maybe an argument (I was fairly defensive for no apparent reason). I don't really know. It was about Command & Conquer 3. He said that he wanted to try to help me but he was telling me step-by-step how to beat him. I don't want a walkthrough. I'd rather lose a million times then win ONCE with a "walkthrough". He said he wasn't giving me a walkthrough but instead he was giving me tips. I didn't consider "Put up anti-infantry, I'm bringing in infantry" to be a 'tip'. I know he means the best and just wants to help.. he even got to the point where he asked "do you even like to play this game?" after I said I was too lazy to do the campaign.

I was even too lazy to do the campaign on Gears of War until I did it with someone else... I have no real desire to play a game that I can't play with others. I may be spoiled in this way.

But I'm glad he's trying, and I really appreciate it-- though my attitude doesn't seem like that. Sometimes I hate myself, I really have to start acting better or I'm afraid he's going to leave me because I'm such a bitch. I don't know why I get so fucking defensive of my weird personality and attitude towards video games and life in general, especially when I try so hard not to.

KANSAS AT VENETIAN

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I need to convince my dad to shell out the money for lawn seating!!

Kansas will be playing at the Shadowland Pavilion @ 9:00pm on Saturday, July 21.

I can't wait to go!

In other news, my brother's birthday is on the 23rd and I haven't decided what to get him.

Uh.. I'll update more in depth later. Right now I'm dead tired. Night~

(PS: for anyone who cares, maddox updated.)

Proper Entry

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Birthday
My birthday was kind of low key. I got a few very 'expensive' things. I got Clock Tower II for $20 on ebay (the first auction I've won!). I bought the Clock Tower II and Clock Tower 3 guides from someone on LiveJournal for $25. The Command & Conquer was bought for $40 on ebay. The Camera + Year of Live pack was from my dad, and he claims that's all I'm getting (which will probably be the cheapest birthday gift of all-- usually I get $150 from him but the pack was $80-- I'm not complaining though because he got me a 360 for no apparent reason). The shoes were $60 and were partially from Steve and partially from my Gramma. I want to thank all those people from the bottom of my heart because it's made my birthday a lot better. Also I got a cheesecake from my dad, unfortunately I didn't get a picture of that before it got ate but it was really great.. And I still have Ayumi Hamasaki's album "Duty" and single "A" coming in.

My gramma thinks Danny's in love with me
My gramma took me aside and told me that Danny was "staring at me like he loved me" and "being really cute to me" and etc. She said I should give him a chance. I told her no way. I already have someone, which I will talk about later. Upon telling her that my significant other lives 3 hours away, she said "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" which basically means I should go out with Danny just because he happens to be here. I thought that was ridiculous. The next day she said she took back what she said-- she says a really good friend is not worth jeopardizing. I couldn't agree more.

Amanda
Amanda is just.. Amanda. She kind of accidentally broke my Guitar Hero II, but she's going to replace it so I'm completely over it. If Amanda wasn't Amanda then I wouldn't like her so much. We were in a semi-argument but she broke it by sending me a birthday card and everything was great again. :]

Danny..lives at my house now?
Danny has been living at my house for the past two weeks. I certainly don't have a problem with it, it's fun to have someone to talk to, too. He has his own name on my xbox and plays occasionally but he plays the PS2 more often anyway. That brings me to my next category I suppose.

Gears of War
Gears has been.. hectic lately. Maybe I should separate this into different categories.

Hosting: Hosting has been.. different. I've been kicking people so much that my reputation went from 5 stars to 4, and I've gotten really quick with it. I've been kicking those who active reload with the sniper because I think it's cheap. People seem to hate me for it, and it seems that drama gets easily started up over it.

Drama: So much drama has gone on. I've lost most of my friends list because of my fault or their fault.

Dale was complaining about Moaozis complaining and when I bitched at Moaozis he dared call me a bitch. He was muted and hasn't been in my games since.
Rurak was muted because he was annoying when high but I unmuted him the next day. He's probably one of my favorite Gears friends and him writing "unmute me" on the ground with the lancer was just too awesome.
Manng was muted for a day because when my xbox froze he went to host his own game. It really pissed me off at the time but now I'm just like whatevs. Haha.
Poem got muted for shouting "OMGZ HOST!" and hasn't been unmuted yet. He was really sarcastic about it and he was one of the people that was talking behind my back about me, so he can go fuck himself.
Jesus has been muted for quite some time but I also hear that he's talking about me behind my back so whatever slim chance he had of being unmuted is now gone.

Dale
Yes, he warrants an entire category for himself. Why? Because he's the closest person to me right now (and always will be), not to mention he's my boyfriend in every meaning of the word. It's been kept fairly low key though because I think he's afraid of people giving him a hard time about the long distance relationship thing (though I wouldn't consider a few hours away to be exactly long distance). I've been trying really hard to convince him to get a cam and he said he would as soon as he got a ride to to the store. Unfortunately there have been a lot of things that have prevented him from getting one thus far but that's okay, I'm patient. Rurak went onto Dale's team to say something along the lines of "Dood, I think Amber likes you!!" a few days ago and he told me that.. we both laughed, because we've had a thing for awhile I guess. My entire life right now revolves around him, from getting up to falling asleep-- and I think his life is revolved around me too. And I have absolutely no problem with that.

Anyway, it's been a long freakin' few weeks as you can tell. If you have any more questions about these things, just ask me. If you're reading this it's most likely that you know how to contact me. :]

birthday hiatus

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Tomorrow is my birthday and to tell the truth I really don’t feel like updating this. My life is getting a little busy (in my definition of “busy” anyway) and I’ll update probably more around the end of June…

On The Weekend

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I went over to Gramma's on Thursday because Steve was over there and I hadn't seen gramma in awhile. I told Dale in AIM that I wouldn't be back until Friday, but he seemed to ignore that and still ask Amanda where I was. That's okay though, because apparently I said I'll probably be back on Friday and he took that as I went over to Amanda's or something. I must've neglected to say I was going to my gramma's. Oops.

Anyway, when I went over to my Gramma's, she told me not to bother to take a shower and to hurry up because we were gonna go to Pirates of the Caribbean 3. But I hurried up and got back and it seems as if she didn't wanna go at that time. I setup my xbox 360 downstairs and went upstairs. She bought a SNES and like 40 games, so I looked through them and found one I liked: Tetris. I played Tetris for what seems like ages while waiting for Steve to get back. He had gone to my aunt's to help put something on the roof, some sort of white material. He slipped and fell in it and got it all over him, and after that he quit and came home. Following that we played a few Guitar Hero II songs along with Zach and then we went to POTC:3. Zach threw a fit in the theater and said he would rather play video games, but Roger forced him to come along anyway. Apparently there was something after the credits but it was retarded anyway, so I felt like I wasted 10 minutes watching the credits. Oh well. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.

The next day, I was woken up by Zach's pet rabbit in my face licking it. Zach brought his pet rabbit (actually, the school's pet rabbit) home for the summer and was basically abusing it. Everyone felt sorry for it. Anyway I was woken up by it, and bribed Zach to leave me alone by telling him he could play Guitar Hero II. I got up anyway and went upstairs to do basically nothing. I kept playing Steve at Tetris but he couldn't seem to beat my score (because I'm awesome at it). Later that day, we went out to eat with two lesbians o_o. I couldn't tell they were lesbians until it dawned on me when one of them said they played football. I was like, "Oooh...". But the place we ate at was pretty fancy, and I had steak, but I felt like a jackass asking for steak sauce. The bathrooms were weird, they had saloon like doors and I didn't feel like I was covered when I was using it. After that we went home and played a little Monopoly, in which Steve was probably the funniest guy in the world, nearly giving my gramma a heart attack from laughing so hard. My gramma asked me if I wanted to go to Wisconsin Dells for a week, or have $100, and I decided that I'd rather have $100 so she put it in my paypal account. I felt like a jackass there too because she probably wanted us all to have a trip before she died or something, but I still would rather have $100. We also watched some 80s music videos and gramma told us a funny story. She said that she thought she knew that song "Take on Me" when my mom was younger, and so she belted out loudly "COMEEE ON MEEE!" and my mom was like "WHAT ARE YOU SINGING!?". Gramma specifically told me not to write about it in my blog. That's why I am. Heeee.

The next day, I was woken up by Roger saying my dad had "something important to tell me about" and I freaked out, naturally thinking he was sick or hurt or something. I called him back and he said he didn't say anything like that, so I got pissed off at Roger for lying to me to get up. Gramma said I was the one who got up the quickest but that's because I thought my damn dad was hurt, which is an evil and mean way to get someone up. Anyway we ate breakfast and then I came home after that. That's basically all that happened.

When I came back, there was Mad Magazine on my seat and a lot of stuff on my computer, like some genki beam stuff in my email and I had to play Ragnarok with Dale so I had too much to do and was overwhelmed at first. That's what I get for leaving those things alone for like, 2 days.. -___-;

My current favorite lineup of Morning Musume members

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

First being Takahashi because she will always be my number one. But.. numbers 2, 3, and 4 should all be tied for number 2 because I basically like them all the same. I'm pretty neutral on Niigaki and I hate Tanaka and Michishige so those were obviously the last ones, I just had to decide who I hated more. Lmao.

Another school year over...

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

And yet another school year comes to an end this Thursday. It will be the end of my laziest and easiest year in school, and come next September it will be one of my most difficult. I hate change, and by this time next year, I will have to have..

a driver's license.
a job.
30 hours of community service logged.
gym class finished.
class dues paid.
gone to prom, maybe.
bought graduation things, including senior pictures.
gotten ready to get on my feet as an adult.

I had a talk with my dad today. He was wondering who I talked to on Xbox and on the computer so often, and when he found out that it wasn't Amanda he wondered how much they knew about me. But I'm going to be an adult soon. Anything can happen when I'm out on my own, and I don't intend to stay here much longer after I turn eighteen. He obviously wants me to stay a child forever, but soon I will have my own house and be self-supportive. After I mentioned this he said he would always be paranoid about me. I asked him why he wasn't paranoid about Steve and he said it was because Steve was a guy. That pissed me off. I can probably fend for myself better than Steve! He then said he knew there were freaks out there who pray on guys too, but he said he's just "worried about me".

It makes me think he doesn't trust me. I know what I'm doing and I'm mature enough to handle myself. I wish he would give me more credit, especially as I am going into adulthood and my senior year of high school.

Stress

Thu, 31 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Today was very very stressful and tiring to me.

Early this morning around 2 am I left because Dale and Amanda were annoying the hell out of me and upsetting me for laughing at me about lag. LAG! So I just said I was leaving, and left. Apparently Dale was only able to sleep a few hours because of it and I felt really bad, and we'd both put it behind us.

Then I decide I'm going to make up my hour that I owe after school. When I had to make up an hour, I only ended up making up forty minutes and she let us go early. Huzzah.

Almost immediately after that, I got called by my friends to go out for ice cream-- "my treat" said Lydia. We went to Dairy Queen; I got some chocolate strawberry thing that I didn't really like too much but it was good nonetheless. Afterwards we came back to my house and played a little Guitar Hero II and Gears of War before they had to leave. (See pictures at the end of the entry)

That's what got me started on Gears. Today was different than other days, on normal days I would neglect to get on Gears and just go right to Ragnarok Online. But today, I was on Gears: Dale said he had a friend coming over anyway and I wanted to play with them because I'd feel lonely if I was playing RO by myself. Okay, that was fine for a little while.

Until people started getting bitchy.

People were being generally jerk offs. And then Shep mutes me for no apparent reason, along with Valentine and "all the other 'only's except Moaozis, Dale, David, and Sam". What the fuck? Well, I muted him, blocked communications, removed him from my friends list and he's no longer allowed in my games. Fuck that. I don't really give second chances.

And then to top it all off Mom got all drunk and started calling about child support again. I'm not going into it, but the good part is Steve will be visiting Gramma's soon and will bring along Guitar Hero II controller so perhaps we can get some achievements together. Blahhh. (I also spoiled myself by buying Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for the Xbox 360 arcade. I'm planning on playing it with Steve tomorrow-- he said he wasn't getting back online because of the drama, and I don't blame him.)

All in all, the day wasn't "good" or "bad". It was just "tiring". Thus, after I'm done uploading this pictures I shall sleep.

Fuckers.

(the pictures are all around ~1.5.mb and 1000px wide, make sure your computer can handle it)

This [Long] Weekend

Tue, 29 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Friday: I skipped school and Danny came over. Amanda came over on Friday night.. we played Gears and such. We also played Guitar Hero II... we had a Guitar Hero II tournament. I'll post the rankings in a moment.

Saturday: We went over to Danny's early in the morning to go to his birthday party. He is turning sixteen on Tuesday.. They had ice cream cake, and it was good. We had to help some ghetto people push their broken car down the road. Danny's dad talked to me a lot about guitars and stuff but I wasn't really listening all that much. We talked about politics while Danny and his friends hung out on the bedroom dancing and shit. I was bored of that..

Sunday: Since Caleb (danny's brother) came over Saturday night, we played a little Gears early Sunday morning (around 1 am). Then we played Guitar Hero II. Caleb went home and Amanda did too but Danny stayed over again on Monday. I felt kind of bad because..

Monday: Neglected to really pay attention to Danny and played Ragnarok Online with Dale and Amanda a lot. I felt bad because of it but that's okay.. I guess.

Also, I only have to make up one hour after school.

I haven't played Gears in a few days. That's a record.

That's all.

Skipped school

Fri, 25 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I skipped the stupid activity day today, which simply means that I will have to be making up hours after school, though I'm not sure how much. It may be 1, it may be 3. I'm not sure.. I think it was a wise decision: I'd rather be reading after school for a few hours than doing shit for no good reason a full 8 hours. But some people may disagree. I'm not sure.

Dale's gonna be going to his dad's this weekend, so I probably won't be eager to play Gears of War too much. I don't know what I'll do. I may have Danny and Amanda come over, I may go somewhere else. I haven't decided.

GAM has a new album?!

Wed, 23 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Wow, that shows you how much I've been paying attention to H!P. GAM came out with an album today, called "Amai Yuuwaku" which means "Sweet Temptation". I've only listened to a few songs but they've mostly been really catchy! There's a really pretty remix of "Thanks!" which takes it to a more calm feeling (as the original Thanks! was pretty upbeat). It seems as if this version has new vocals too. I don't think it's as good as the original, as good as this composition is, it's really hard to beat the original Thanks!

Most of the album has normal H!P-like music: upbeat with strong beats. I'll review it someday on my reviews site but for now I'll just complain about how I didn't listen to it earlier. Also, Viyuden came out with Koisuru Heart Angel today, but I haven't gotten around to listening to that yet..

(Also, I downloaded and installed RO.. haha. I won't be playing it much most likely.)

Birthday wishlist

Mon, 21 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Definitely

$80 Year of Live + Vision Cam
$20 1600 MP
$20 USB Keyboard

Maybe

$60 Command & Conquer 3
Virgin Mobile Airtime - $20

Not likely

None yet.

All night gears of war a thon is complete!

Sun, 20 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I actually went from 2pm to 6am, which is 16 hours. It was all with Dale too, he was the only one that managed to actually last the full time, also he was playing before me! Jeez. Haha. I had a few brief interruptions but that's okay. It generally went really awesome, aside from a few assholes here and there (and with 16 hours of playing you expect to see them!). So.. hm.. I don't have much else to blog about. I might be in Physics next year! We'll see how it goes.

A lot to touch on.

Wed, 16 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Venture to Amanda's new house

I went to Amanda's house yesterday (or was it the day before?) and exhausted myself a little. Her computer is really running nicely and I can't say I'm not jealous. I'm also trying to join the card game Genki Beam so I have something to do when I'm bored. I want Amanda to make me a layout for it, considering she made a really cool one for herself, I want her to use that code to make me one too. Whether she will or not, time will tell...

Tsuji is replaced in Gyaruru

Apparently Abe Asami (Abe Natsumi's sister) is replacing Tsuji in Gyaruru. I can't say I'm disappointed: I like her and I think she's cute, but I definitely would've preferred Tsuji.

Changed Xbox username

Some big news: yesterday I changed my name from heartkill to TheOnlyAmber (echoing TheOnlyDale, TheOnlySam, TheOnlyDavid, TheOnlySheep, etc.) Rurak also changed his name from x3 RuRaK to TheOnlyRuRaK and richardkills claims he'll change his name to TheOnlyDick (the best one out of them all!) But because of this, my online stuff broke and I will have to resign up sometime.. I'm too lazy to now.

Boasting on Guitar Hero II + achievement points

I finally finished all the songs on Medium on Guitar Hero II with 5 stars. That, and getting another achievement, boosted me up to +1000 achievement points, finally. It's great to be in quadruple digits.

Bedtime

I've also been going to bed way earlier which may have something to do with my dad being home this week to make sure I'm not going to bed too late.. I've been getting really tired around 11:30pm or so, and I feel kinda bad because Dale always is disappointed (yet that makes me feel wanted!).

School

Also, I finished "To Kill a Mockingbird" (which ended up being a good book) and my Econ study guide (2 weeks early) so I won't have much to do in school. There will be a Battle of the Bands also this Saturday but since Xbox.com says there's a "sunrise-to-sunset Gears of War-a-thon" I might do that instead. I haven't decided... Also I had to sign up for College Accounting, a class I took just to fill the semester, because it was being run by LMC. All this school stuff is a little confusing but at least there will be an "activity day" on the 25th (probably because the following Monday is Memorial Day which we get off). I will kick ass at DDR and GHII. :D

My Dad is Wise (and update on broken xbox

Sun, 13 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

My dad is wise. When I told him about David, he said "Love is a strong word, it isn't one that you should just be throwing around.." and he was right.

Too bad David didn't have a father like I do. David decided that since I was giving him attention that he'd go out with me. Apparently I'm the "first girl that gave him attention and he jumped the shark" on the relationship. Needless to say, today he broke up with me. I'll admit, I was upset at first, only to realize that I didn't really care about a half hour later. Why? There will always be others. I'm not talking to David again, I'd rather I forgot that embarrassing part of my life (I told my FAMILY for Godssakes, naturally I was pretty serious about him!).

I kept bitching at him and he kept telling me not to hurt his feelings, but he hurt mine and I wanted to hurt his back. Call me childish, but that's the way I felt. We aren't talking again. I will leave any matches that we both happen to join, and have blocked most forms of communications-- I'm not the type of person who can just "forget it and move on".

Anyway, about the Xbox 360. We went to Best Buy to exchange it under the Best Buy 30-day guarantee, and it worked pretty fine. We dealt with some idiots, but what do you expect? It's Best Buy. The most trouble we had was I forgot Gears of War at Amanda's house and had to go get it.. then I showed it to him on the monitor. He's pretty foolish, he didn't even know how to turn on the controller.. then again, someone in front of us told us that they were turning theirs in because the "controller wouldn't be recognized by the XBox 360". Amanda's wouldn't be recognized on mine either, that's why we had to learn how to reassign controllers to different Xbox 360's. . . apparently that guy just got a new 360 for his lack of knowledge. Haha..

Also, something funny: they told Dad to wait in another line.. and then they told him to go back to the line he was in before. He got so pissed that he didn't go AROUND the belt-pole-barrier thing, he ripped it out and walked right through it when it went flinging at the dumb customers. Lmao.. The person who was exchanging our Xbox (the dumbass thought that we were returning it-- why would we return it and buy a new one?) looked at the customers it flung at and said "Are you okay, did it hit you?" And one of the guys said sarcastically/in a funny manner "It hurt me :(". It was pretty hilarious, so it was hard trying not to laugh.

I have to redownload everything but it looks like I'm not going to have to buy them again. I'm thankful.. I'm also thankful my dad comforted me when he came home and I was crying over David, and I'm glad that he took me to the store and put up with the idiots for me. Although this is Mother's Day, I really think that dad should get more recognition as a great father.

Xbox 360 Repair: The Battle Begins...

Sat, 12 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I bought Guitar Hero II on Friday and started to play.. hm.. it glitched a little (went to a black screen when I was playing one of the songs) and caused me to fail. No biggie, I just went back and retried to do that song.. It's fine to glitch up once in awhile.

... but when you ruin my Gears of War, you're bound to get smashed and thrown off the balcony.

Yes, somehow this game decided to corrupt my Gears of War too. What did I do to deserve that? Played a different game? This console is not but a few weeks old. I fully intend to take it back to Best Buy.. since I believe it is still in the 30-day warranty. Apparently I have a Microsoft warranty until 2008 April, but I don't intend to mess with them until the last resort, considering all the horror stories I've heard about them (not to mention just taking it in and exchanging it gives me instant gratification). Buuut, I'll have to redownload the following things:

- Both Gears of War map packs
- Boom Boom Rocket
- Joust
- My Gears theme
- Updates for my game

It would cost me 1600 MP ($20) to have to buy these again, not to mention just because they're tied to my gamertag I will have to play them only when I'm online.

Thanks Microsoft. 3% failure rate my ASS.

edit: I just checked, I got my Xbox 360 on April 22, 2007. So.. it's been literally 21 days since I got it. They'd damned well BETTER give me a new one. I'll have to remember to bring the controller and microphone because they'll probably want that too.. in fact I'll most likely just bring everything home and hope that it works after not being played for a day or so..

edit2: I called Best Buy and literally someone said in one breath "What you need to do is bring it into the store so we can inspect it okay bye". Greeeat customer support, Best Buy. All I can hope is that they fix it or I get a new one.

Layout thievery

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I was browsing for reference information on Wikipedia, and came upon an Aika Mitsui fansite. I was really excited, because I planned to make one myself but if someone had beat me to it I thought that was showing good initiative. So, imagine my surprise when the layout looked eerily familiar. I knew it was a free layout, and it only took me a few minutes to find where it had come from: dixy-pixy.org. Here is a preview of the original layout. Now, I know most design makers don’t allow people to edit their layout, but I had to make sure, especially since aikamitsui.free.fr lacked any credit for the original maker. Sure enough, this text is right from the layout’s preview:

"Please do not remove the credits. And please do not modify the image. Thank you."

The person from aikamitsui.free.fr poorly edited the image so that Aika Mitsui was the main feature.
Now it’s been a long time since I’ve actually caught anyone thieving layouts but it always makes me a little angry when I see it happening. People put a lot of hard work into their layouts and just ask for a little credit and respect not to edit their hard work. Seeing someone have the audacity to not only do one, but do both, is a little more than sickening. The worst part about it? The creator accepting compliments on the layout s/he didn’t even make. Blech.

Dreams

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Last night I had a dream that Ethan died. It was upsetting.. I’m not sure why. I haven’t talked to him in over a year, yet his deviantart says he came online two days ago. I bugged him by sending him a note, but I think he’s just trying to get on with his life. I should probably respect that, but I’m not. Ha!

Kiah’s been not on for a few days also, so I feel a little lonely. I barely have any good friends, so I need to make some (any takers?). Right now there’s just Kiah and Dustin. I’ve actually started to play video games again, and a racing game at that, so it shows that I really lack any friends.

Also, dad made me feel bad when we were eating out. I mentioned wanting to get a Curves membership this summer since one just opened up around us. He said it was okay, but about ten minutes later he retaliated with “Didn’t I just spend $100 on contacts you don’t even want?” which prompted me to say something along the lines of “I do! I just lost one!” and we got into a big discussion/argument over that. I felt really bad, because it made me think he thought my eyesight and health were unworthy expenses.

I still want to be able to wear Baby The Stars Shine Bright clothes. That means somehow I’ll have to get down to a size 9, and then I’ll have to get the money to actually buy them. I think the weight will be more of an issue than the money.. But that is my dream. So I guess the post title means both physical dreams, and life dreams, even those which can be considered unobtainable.. but I don’t consider btssb to be unobtainable. Just unlikely.

Contacts

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I got contacts! Wooh, about time. I hated having to take my glasses off to read because they were so dirty. Um.. There’s not much else going on in my life. I’m going to go to Japanese class tomorrow for once, because I’ve been ditching it for the past few weeks because of the weather and stuff. I hope Matychuk-san isn’t angry

edit: She wasn’t mad, she even hugged me. I also told her I have been recently listening to Pink Lady. I said I liked Southpaw and Nagisa no Sindbad, and she said she liked Nagisa no Sindbad a lot too. She also explained shikata ga nai and mannen to me, which lead to an explanation of banzai, haha.

my friends that you should stalk/watch on deviantart

Sun, 08 May 2005 12:00:00 -0500

Ethan/bloodfromst0ne: If you don't look at his work I'll bite your face off!
eshva: is relatively unknown, which isn't fair because she draws really well
nitachan: pretty boys everywhere
rei_0: rei is just too awesome for words, aren't'cha rei.
thundercake: Li and I have been friends for a few years and she has a really great style that makes anime look easy ^_^
iamfun: i'm not really sure who this is, but they definitely deserve more hits ;;
ola-s: This person is gonna be famous! Watch'm whil you can~

more added later, k?

hard drive fried and crashed

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 11:00:00 -0600

my hard drive "fried" and crashed....

i lost openCanvas and Psp7, and they were both .. full versions.. so i can't get them again =/ so no art for awhile =/

an update for the weekend

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 11:00:00 -0600

OK, so here’s my weekend! Well, how it went, anyway.

At the beginning of the weekend, on Saturday (before Amanda came over), Steve, Danny, Caleb, and I were all playing Mario Party 5. It was all good and dandy, even after Amanda came over. Until Steve got his attitude about losing. It seemed he got mad because I kept winning all the mini games, but he obviously was just pretending to be mad so he could quit and jump onto the computer.

Grr.

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 12:00:00 -0500

People are really starting to piss me off. I mean my "friends". I don't want to write anything here because I'm afraid one of the people that pissed me off the most will read it, so I will just say that they were pissing me off, seriously.

At least I have my boyfriend.

wiszlkgxz;kxzvjxcl

Fri, 08 Oct 2004 12:00:00 -0500

i couldn't type because there was someone looking over my shoulder. -___- since i've proved blogging in class is OK to the teacher i don't have to play the minimize game.

i'll update later. i just wanted you to know i am alive.

What a fucker.

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 12:00:00 -0500

On DC++ it takes HOURS to get a slot to download from someone. I had a slot from a really popular person, which took me about 6 or 7 hours to get, and my brother RESTARTS THE COMPUTER and I lose the slot. I fucking have the urge to hide his memory card for 6 hours, then maybe he'll know how it feels. I'm glad he left or I'm sure I would've went off of him, the fucker.

My full day in detail

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 12:00:00 -0500

First Hour - It's a friday which makes me happy. I had a dream about amanda sending me a ffx yuna wallpaper.. O_o; I have a test in this social studies geography history whatever the fuck this class is, in spanish, and that 'advanced' pack for computers. I'm so gonna fail this test.

Second Hour - I failed the eyetest that they pulled us out of class for. Wee.

Fourth Hour - Geometry was FUN!? Wtf? We did jeapordy.. that's spelled wrong. But I was really good at certain types of questions.. so like. Yeah. Time to fail this science class thing test! (How many tests have I failed today? 1st hr, eye test, 2nd hour, this hour.. no more tests after this, though).

Later fourth hour - Volk marked me down for 'writing' on his test. As if I wasn't already going to fail. I will now make it my life's goal to 'write' on all his tests. The ass. He was like, "I take points off for people who write on my tests", and I said "like i care." Cause it's true-- a failing grade is a failing grade.

Fifth hour - I'm doing misc things like checking old emails and stuff and deleting unneeded things off of RE. There's a sub in this class and she seems like a REAL bitch. I'm gonna update my blog or something.

Sixth hour - Wow, we're watching Michael Jackson videos since there's a pep rally at the end of the day. This guy cracks me up. I keep thinking of funny things to write and then I keep forgetting about them. Fuck. Well. Time for pep rally.

ok so like

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 12:00:00 -0500

Dad said we might be able to get Mario 64 when we get home so all I have to do is deal with 6th hour pep rally. Woot! More to write later.

...

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

Why the HELL am I up at 5 AM on a Monday writing a story with Amanda?

I want to complain...

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

I thought it was time for a bitchy entry. So here goes.

Makai refuses to stay over at my house overnight.
30mb video is taking AGES to download, even though I'm getting about 50 kbps internet connection.
Audioscrobbler has been down for a week now.
I want to make brilliant graphics and websites.
I can't join choir again until January of this year.
I get marked down for sleeping in class.
This layout looks funny in lower resolutions, the boxes box up.
I'm fucking freezing.
I have to pick up after Makai's mess.
Danny and Caleb are coming over.
I'm hungry, there's tons of food, and I'm just too lazy to get up.

What a weird dream.

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

I had a weird dream about sex with Bates and zombies. Care to read more?

Raagh. It was a good dream at first. We were at my gramma's house (wtf?) and out in the garage, going at each other, but I kept being interrupted by my mother or grandmother calling me into the house to put on my jacket. Which was odd, because I didn't have any clothes on, and they wanted me to put a JACKET on? Oh well.

That part of the dream ended, and I woke up about 9:00 AM, thinking it was 9:00 PM and looking out the window, thankfully it was only AM. Then I went back to sleep and had the zombie dream.

Some of the characters from Resident Evil were in the dream, kept in a house by a crazy person that sent zombies for them. There was a lot of romance between Claire Redfield and.. another boy in blue from the games, I just couldn't remember who he was. So when zombies interfered, I didn't mind.. but it was so sad. The rest of them had to sit on a tall bed and watch the boy shoot the zombies, and he made it through all the zombies. They then were about to be allowed to be let out, but this has happened many times in my dream: the crazy guy locks them in the house instead. I yelled out "run for the door!" and we/they did, only to come to a crossroad: go up the stairs or go down? The logical thing would be to go down to where the exit was, but we didn't, we went up and there were more zombies. We broke the window and jumped out, we all survived except there were zombies down on the streets. There was no way we could win, so I shouted out "Quick, push "Start" and "Restart mission"! And then one of them whined, "But then we'll have to see ourselves be eaten!" so I said "Then quick, turn off the playstation!" and no one did and we all got eaten.

The end. =x Scary dream that was, though.. And I ended up waking up at about 10:00 AM. So the dream only took an hour. XD

HA!

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

I just proved that Amanda doesn't REALLY like j-rock/visual kei. I showed her the "jealous" video for Dir en Grey which is almost 7 minutes long and she sat through 2 minutes and then got so bored (or disgusted) and left. So that's what she gets for getting into an obsession without thinking.

Our night has been fun so far, though...

She came over when dad wasn't home, but I already got permission from him. It started out really fun-- we hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks so we had missed each other. The fun wore off about an hour in or so . . Shrug. We DID play the personality profiler thing I have. It was fun to see our "personality profiles". But now she's playing Spiderman 2 without a memory card, what a waste of time. =__=;

Other than that, I made a subpage on my domain just to link to this blog. How nice am I? Click. It's just an enter page to this one, but whatever. XD

Mom's Message

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

Raah. My mom called and was like "I don't want anything to do with you or your kids", so WTF? Well, I disown her as my mother, then. Fucker.

nothin to do at school

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

Well, writing from school again. Not much else to do.. just got finished with my assignment. Trying not to get seen by the teacher, I guess, he's pretty cool he wouldn't mind. I guess I'll write more later, I just needed something to do.. o_O

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Sat, 18 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

It was such a good movie.. ^^; Jill Valentine was so much like the one from the game! Going back and playing Resident Evil: Director's Cut showed me just how cheesy of a game it was, though. It had such bad actors! It was funny sort of.. but Resident Evil had good actors.

Now they'll never be able to track me!

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

Mwaha! Finally. A private blog. I want to thank m-p.net for hosting. I’ll get a layout set up in a second.. Wow. This is spiffy. ^__^

Whoops

Thu, 27 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

Well, nothing much happened today.

I fixed up the journal even though some of the text is hard to read. Can anyone help me with that?

Well, I’m going to go post on my other journal, seeya.

woo

Sat, 08 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

I'm prollly moving to mah crazylife 'cas christine and nIk~nIk are dere... and they let you use stylez!
THEY'RE WAY BETTER THAN LIVEJOURNAL!
runs

Allison, Mikayla, and Steve

Thu, 06 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

"Techno would keep me up all night and day cleaning." ~Allison

Yesterday evening steve's condition was so bad that he had to go to the hospital. We stayed there for so long that was too tired for school and dad didn't care.
Because he was at work when we took Steve to the hospital. His girlfriend (Allison, who we might be moving in with) brought us there. Us as in her 6 year old child Mikayla and Steve. Mikayla's the kewlest 6 year old lil girl I've ever seen!
WHoO HoO.
XP

Oh and P.S.~ I got a CrazyLife! I won't be using it (only to comment) but if you wanna check it out you can!

4 day vacation

Mon, 03 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

Coming to school after a 4 day vacation was amazing. Everyone was surprised to see me.

"Knowledge is like baths. Only comes once a year." -Steve imitating Chris. That was funny. Since my dad brings Josh back and forth to school we were all laughing about it. He also said "Same shirt, different day".

I was tired today.

Well everyone loved the FFX-2 pictures. They took them and now they want more xD

Well I'll write more later (when I think of it!)

Next update I'll install the kewlerific icon ~ it's going to be my default. It has Paine on it.

See yahz

Back!

Sun, 02 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

Guess who's back!? ME!

BLAAAH, to much schoolwork!

Wed, 13 Nov 2002 11:00:00 -0600

I've decided that since I have four online journals, I'd make this one kind of like a school one which would tell about homework, projects, school functions/events, etc. Sounds good to me at least.

So, I had today off since it is Veteran's Day. I should be doing homework now instead of posting in this but I'll just do the homework later.

Tomorrow in Homebase we get report cards. I'm kind of nervous about the Earth Science and World History grades since those were the low ones (C/D) on my Progress Report.

I have to write a three page essay and type it tonight for English. I also have a science test to study for and a Latin translation thing. I should probably do my math homework to and study for my Latin and Math test so that tomorrow night I'll be able to play RE0 without having to worry about homework.

I don't know!

Wed, 06 Nov 2002 11:00:00 -0600

You guys! Don't hoard me with comments about why M left! She went to greymatter, another journal service. It is said in another one of her journal entries O_o, pay more attention instead of trying to comment so much....

Alright?

my dad sucks

Wed, 31 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

my dads bein mean.. he said he might get aol cut off..
._.
so if I don't write for a week, you know I've been shut off..
God, life sucks, and so does my dad.
He has me crying almost every night from the things he says..
;_;
So this might be my last entry.

newbies

Tue, 30 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 12:00 pm.
gah.. i'm in a rp.. its overcrouded with newbies! HELP! BEING .. OVERFLOWED!!!!

Time: 8:50 am.
Friends list cleaning. People that have been taken off my friends list because of lack of interest (or they just never comment). Look at my userinfo to see if you've been taken off, and if you comment here saying you want to be back on, then you need to comment more!

stupid mom

Mon, 29 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 10:32 pm.
This isn't fair. I'm happy for the Nicest Person In The World, Yuna, but it isn't fair that she has a paid account.
I'm steamed.
I've been wanting a paid account forever now!

Time: 9:52 pm.
Okay, time to YELL AND SCREAM!
If you don't like swearing, don't read on.
GRR! When it was my birthday, I got .. about 5 comments wishing me happy birthday. My mother didn't even come to see me on my birthday! And Yuna gets a million and one comments on her lj! And even a present! You know how bad I felt when my mother didn't visit me on my birthday? You know how even worse I felt when I didn't get barely any recognition!! yer_own_names doesn't barely recognise me either.
I always do things around my house and no one ever gives me anything.
WHY?
I've been through so0 much shit in my life you people don't even know! By the time I was 12, my parents had devorced, I had to go to Child Protective Services, and I had to testify in court!
How does THAT sound? Hmm? I'm not all peaches and cream like I look and sound!
This isn't fair! But I know at least one person is going to comment : "Hun, life isn't fair." You know what? To that person who comments that: FUCK OFF!
You know what? To the world: FUCK OFF!
To my mom: FUCK OFF!
To the people who can't recognise: FUCK OFF!
Everyone whos been through shit in their lives would know where I'm coming from. I used to cry and cry myself to sleep every night! How do you think I felt when my mom got arrested on my brothers birthday? How do you think I felt livin in the heights! Those damned people poisoned our dog and killed him!
My moms boyfriend (now husband) is really REALLY abusive! But lucky I'm living at my dads. But it doesn't matter, I fight with my dad too!
Why can't anyone understand where I'm coming from? It makes me super depressed.
I'm not going to kill myself.
I can live on.
I always go through this shit.
I am strong.
But am I strong enough to live through this? Should I see counsiling? I've already had to see counsiling because of my mom. Whats up with that? My moms a drunk, and so is her husband. Whats up with that? My dad still has child support coming out of his check going to my mom when my moms not supporting us: he is. Whats up with that?
The world can be incredibaly cruel! Whats up with that?
I feel like crawling in bed. ._.
I've already given myself a headache.
And another thing: we're very poor! My dad keeps saying "As soon as we start getting money..." but I know thats NEVER going to happen! We will always be poor!
I'll probably die from lack of food!
So whats up with that?
.....Why? Theres so much I want to say.. yet lack the words to say it.
And another thing: I haven't even had a crush or boyfriend! And I'm 12! I must be a weirdo or something!
I know I'm a weirdo.
......
What about my moms boyfriend with his 9mm and his crowbar? What about him beating up my mom and I?
What about me going to 14 different schools?
What about me moving 10 times?
What about me always losing my friends when I move?
What about me, always alone because of my life?
What about me, the loner, the weird girl no one wants to talk to?
What about all the people that have suffered?
What about those rich snobs who think they're all that?
What about those people who can get whatever they want, whenever they want?
What about all of those lies that my mom told me to shut me up?
What about my car? Wheres my brand new car that I was promised?
What about that $100 a week my dads paying to my mom for "supporting us", when he is?
What about the FUCKING people who think they've got it bad, when they've really got it easy?
Where's my "happy birthday!"?
Where the fuck did my "happy birthday!" go?!
WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKIN BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT I NEVER GOT?!
What about my brother and I sitting in that child protective area, waiting for our gramma to come?
What about all those tears I cried when my mom said I got her arrested?
What about me being beat?
What about it all?
What about the mom that I never had.. the mom that wasn't there..?

Time: 7:55 pm.
Bored. Another layout change.

KaZaA

Sun, 28 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 10:29 pm.
Amandas sister, Shelly, came home.
I don't know what to say about this.

Time: 10:26 pm.
Downloading KaZaA.

< edit >
Not anymore.
< / edit >

Time: 10:03 pm.
gah my computer lykes laggin......

Time: 9:38 pm.
Gah, furcadia is confuzleing

Time: 7:59 pm.
bored n stuff..hoping this'll post

Subject: Go say happy birthday.
Time: 4:47 pm.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUNA!!!!!!! GO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER! GO NOW! I'M FORCING YOU!
GAHHH! WHY HAVEN'T YOU WENT YET?! DON'T YOU CARE?
happy birthday yuna!!!!!!! go say happy birthday to her! go now! i'm forcing you! gahhh! why haven't you went yet?! don't you care?!

< edit >
new layout. i know its a bit soon bUt.. oh well...
my props go to yer_own_names. okie.

bai.

overflowing

Sat, 27 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 7:58 pm.
Its ovverfllooowing! Heeelp!

Time: 5:57 pm.
Watched Austin Powers: Goldmember... it was funny!
Drew new picture yesterday, (an original that I named "Aynn"), and put it on my My drawing site.
N' thats it.

stuck in my head

Fri, 26 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 8:39 pm.
hey you know off ddr konamix, that song "gimme-your-love by divas"? I have it in my head
yeah went over to moms. had steak and bought blue fuzzy slippys! ^_^ I like the slippys the best.
new layout! HEHEHEHEHE!

COME VISIT MY NEW PAGES!!!!:
my charrie bios
My icon page - icons I've made
Angela sucks. - angela sucks.: Dedicated to my friend, because my friend has trouble with a girl named Angela. Full story there.
My drawings page (request a drawing by emailing me: lynnmaxweil@aol.com) - self explainitory
Character page.. join today! Please! I need members.. - my character page: making a story. COME JOIN COME JOIN COME JOIN AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!!

Thats it for now.

Time: 9:46 am.
Beautiful song callled: Si Il Mio Amer Sta Vincino

If I were how everyone says I am
Then how cruel is God
Who has given me life

Believe me
I'm just a pitiful woman
Who's merely thinking of the man she loves

No
Even if no one believes me
If my beloved is by my side
I would gladly accept any punishment
Please, God
Hear the prayers of this poor woman

Pretty, isn't it? If someone would tell me the code to put music in the background of my lj, I would make it that..

Time: 8:33 am.
from xreflex commented in weamnotpsycho: "this comment has nothing to do with the community, but i'd just like to say thta lulu_mcbrea has THE creepiest icon i've seen. it's almost as scary as well. . .i dunno. . .it's late and i'm tired. yay! hurray for meaningles comments!"

crap It says "Stick with nick, we're having techincal difficulties" and it has spongebobs music playing. THIS IS SCARING ME! Okay its back on now.
Sandys rocket.
Yay.

I'm up at 8:00 am on the computer. Why am I up at 8 am on the computer? Am I nuts?

And someone tell me how to puts music in the background of my journal, its killing me.
Thats it.
Takin icon requests if anyone wants one; no animations.
Awesome.

rpin

Thu, 25 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 10:25 pm.
rpin wit jessica n amanda roite now

Time: 9:50 pm.
help.....boredism.
plus my dad is mad at me. man..

Time: 9:02 pm.
Quiz Results: I am 57% Internet Addict

I am pretty addicted, but there is hope. I think I'm just well connected to the internet and technology, but it's really a start of a drug-like addiction. I must act now! Unplug this computer!

Time: 8:54 pm.
Taking icon requests. request one now. wwhhheeee.
oh yeah i'm supposed to be shutting up. ^_^

Time: 8:53 pm.
I talk too much! Someone shut me up! Quick like!

Time: 8:49 pm.
BORED BORED BORED
someone IM me at lynnmaxwell @ aol.com
or email me.

Time: 8:36 pm.
uuugh just kill me.
now.

gyeh

Wed, 24 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 11:14 pm. steals now4evers word.. gyeh.

Time: 11:09 pm. I need lj codes. I need a paid account on lj. Someone help. Be nice. Come on. STILL TRYING TO GIVE AWAY this wun ( i can delete the layout ) AND NOW maybe this wun i dunno

Time: 10:28 pm. Dorky me! I'm going lj crazy today. Well who likes my new lj style? dance on the edge of danger

Time: 10:05 pm. My drawings site is up So far it has Tifa and Aeris of ffvii. Taking requests. Request one by commenting! P.S.: I drew yuffie, but it isn't uploading. >.<';;

my bros birthday

Tue, 23 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

steves birthday. chocolate cake. cleaning the house. so yeah.

new layout information

Tue, 23 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

my new layout wont be up for awhile due to boomspeed being stupid. okay? so0 heres the info on the new layout:
stephanie tate
v.??
black, orange, and green scheme (to fit stephanies outfit)
really really cool loooking

Sweetest Day

Sat, 21 Oct 2000 12:00:00 -0500

Today, it Sweetest day. Steven sure isn’t sweet to me though.

i need glasses

Tue, 01 Aug 2000 12:00:00 -0500

3 WORDS: I need glasses.

I’m far sighted

I got leopard glasses.

I Dislike Steven

Mon, 31 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

I dislike Steven. He and John took all the (ed note: hard to read what is written here. “jokes”?) It isn’t fair! I don’t care!

I Missed A Few Days

Sun, 30 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

I missed a few days and I’m sorry that I did.

People Sorrow In Different Ways

Sat, 29 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

Seince my grandmother Peggy has passed away, I took this journel & the pocket blessings that were with it. I am still in shock and sorrow for Grandma Peggy passing away. I loved her alot and I am very thankful for the years that I have had with her. My grandmother was one of true blessings I have had in my life. Like my dad says “People Sorrow In Diffrent Ways.” I wright my feelings & sorrow through paper. I loved her & still do. It was one of the greatest loses of my life so far. The funeral was very sad! I’m poreing all my feeling on paper right now so only my (1) Dad, (2) Brother, (3) Mom, & I can read this. Bye 4 now

Greenfield Village Was So Fun

Tue, 25 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

I went to Greenfield Village 2 days ago and it was so fun! We rode the train first thing. I loved it. Greenfield Village was so fun!

Going To Greenfield Village

Thu, 20 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

Today, I’m going to Greenfield Village with my Grandma Stasik. I think it’s going to be fun! We go at 1:00. I will wear my new clothes. I am going to bring my book & a pad of paper with markers. When we get there, we (hopefully) will ride a train. I hope we have fun at Greenfield Village (with my grandma) today!

needing.space

Blog Move

About

a lot happened

elias bday celebration

new volunteer position!!!

second day at job thoughts

first day working at the hospital

chaos

depression and isolation

another job offer (mental health tech)

still here

I quit Dominos

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

TMS is kicking my ass

Mastodon integration

mostly just tired​

not forgotten about this

why are steno machines like shiny pokemon

what do i really want

two interviews today

trying to figure my life out

will i ever be okay

the timing of opportunities

quit my job finally

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

this journal

digitizing all of these entries

Ugh.

something big negative is about to happen

I'll Just Become The Host

its lonely

earnin back our paper towel holder money

extrovert's hell of my own making

Now Time To Be Nervous All Week

ruminating on stupid stuff

pandora's box should stay shut

less reliant on the phone

cutting my phone time down has been a godsend

already feels weird w/o smartphone

sunday scaries plus couples

super grateful for easy days like this

stricken by how much i love you

Life Is Too Short To Stress Over Stupid Work

its not going away

cosplay generic guy visiting yosemite

my first proper time at the ocean

Just A Couple More Seconds

Things Are Very Stressful Lately

mental health is at an all time low

i am just not feeling ok. something feels wrong

why am i such a coward

will i ever feel like i am enough

Worst Day Back Is The First One

dont feel like its worth the fight

life seems so useless right now

upset about work but not showing it

i want my office to be the sanctuary

Honesty Is Fucking Us Over

depression is super bad right now

Work Is Being So Dumb

ahhh

ASL class

ASL

finances

music

birthday/events

i'm so exhausteddd

depression

work

sleep

finances

therapy

worrrkrkkk

something something therapy

i can't remember shit

I'm only writing this to check off the Habitica task

ughhhhh

SO MUCH has happened

work

mostly just tired