depression and isolation

on the bright side for the people around me, when I get depressed I am super low maintenance meaning that I rly don’t ask for much of… anything, no socialization, no extras, I’m essentially the pet rock version of a friend. on the other hand that means I don’t even really have the energy to take care of myself or important things in my life so that sucks.

I honestly don’t even know if people realize that I’m socially isolating ngl. I think people are so damn used to me being the one to initiate anything social, etc that no one else bothers to do so. I mean ffs my father didn’t even call on Xmas this year so like…

idk I’m just kinda tired of being the one who always has to reach out. and a lot of my friends & family will make excuses if I ever try to talk to them and be like “oh you know how I am, I’m just introverted” and I’m like ok? I’m an extrovert & I learned how to leave people alone, so def introverts can learn to initiate conversations…? idk I’m done with the excuses. its not a great look to just blame your failings on some random “how I am” style personality trait, that’s a cop out so you don’t need to examine that bad behavior & step up as a friend

but I’m so depressed right now that I like… don’t even care to fight that fight or reach out or anything. and then I end up all socially isolated bc the some of the people who are supposed to be closest to me won’t reach out when I really am having the hardest time ever.

I think I kinda just let people get used to me being the “therapist friend” without any expectation of reciprocation for way too long. probably I need to like, mourn some of these “friendships” and accept that these aren’t the types of people that I really want or need around me and find people who will, idk, reach out when they notice i have been isolating (I mean several people in the past have said AFTER the fact that they noticed I was isolating and just didn’t want to reach out… like bro you know I’m depressed and suicidal, why would you not reach out?)

i know I’m not the normal bundle of fun and bright sunshine and “you’re the most important person in the world” energy giver when I’m depressed but any kind of relationship is supposed to be a two way street. I know the answer is to cut off the energy vampires but ugh…

I’m just hoping maybe I’ll meet some new friends at my new job, or something :/