Afraid Of Moving Forward

I have a confession to make: I am a self-sabotager. It’s probably not much of a confession as people who know me already probably know this pretty well. I’m more confessing to myself.

I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid that it will come with more responsibility, which I never feel competent taking on, even if I (rationally) am. I’m afraid if I don’t flawlessly master where I am at now, I’m not ready to move on. I know that’s not the case, but. Convincing emotions is difficult.

I’m also (still) afraid of being perceived as imperfect. If I can perfect my stagnancy, sometimes that feels better than pushing forward.

This all stems from a fear of abandonment. A fear of taking on more responsibility, failing, and letting someone down. Showing my flaws and disappointing them, then pushing them away.

Being vulnerable is trusting the other person not to leave. I have made a lot of progress in that area, but. It still needs so much work.

… But I am afraid of moving forward. Thus the cycle begins again.

I am pushing past. It is a constantly tiring thing, but worth it.