I Don't Want Your Help, Therapist

I’m using the hosts handwriting for anonymity.

Many months have passed since this has been updated, and I don’t think it matters. Life updates don’t mean anything. A dog. Weight Watchers. A hurricane. Nothing important. Things to pass the time. Nothing more or less.

I feel so tired and maybe stuck in some perverse cycle of remembering and forgetting. I wish I was blessed enough to just forget and not remember. The flashbacks are getting tiring in a way they never were before. There is too much and too little detail all at the same time. Sensory things with no emotions and all emotions attached at the same time - some weird paradox that is an exhausting loop. I wish I had the brother’s ability to just forget, but I guess that comes with a complimentary drinking problem, and life in a confusing blur of emotions that are even more unprocessed than ours somehow

The idea of going to therapy again seems like a huge waste of time & money. There is nothing a therapist can do or say that we haven’t already heard or done ourselves a hundred thousand times. We don’t have the type of money that therapy demands anyway. Seems like a waste any way you slice it.

I don’t want to think about the past anymore. I wish I could kill Tim or at least know when he dies to get some kind of closure.

But there’s no rest for the wicked and no happy endings to stories like that. You get older and try not to let it consume you. Which is way easier said than done. It was way easier when we could block it all out with narcotics too. But I guess we don’t get those anymore, except the ones prescribed by the good doctor.

I just need to… I don’t know. Not go to therapy. Throw me down a well, maybe. I don’t know why it felt like such a betrayal when he started targeting us. I guess I figured we were on a team, somehow. That is a weird thing to admit and think. I know it was his game to divide and conquer and I knew it then too, but it still effected us. Some days, I still feel like I’m on his team. I wish I didn’t. I don’t know how to stop sympathizing and empathizing with the man who destroyed me

No one can fix that

No one can fix me

So just leave me alone

I don’t want your help, therapist