triggers are everywhere

i ain’t got no day to day shit to talk about. grandma has been on our mind lately. we can’t stop thinking an dreaming about her… we keep thinking about all the good + bad. last night she came to me in a dream. i asked her if she was alive an for the first time she said, “no i am in your dream. but i’am always with you. + proud of you.”

i stared into the cabinet for a good half hour today. my thoughts started to go to the mother. i still cant figure out why we are so desperate for her validation. thats been on my mind a lot lately. feels like we did something wrong, to deserve the way she acted towards us? i know thats not right but it feels that way, especially lately.

everytime i think we prolly pushed her away it makes me overly emotional. i know rationally that wasnt the case but…

still feels like it.

we keep having these weird vivid dreams. where the emotion is so raw, it feels like being in the bathtub trying to clean the impurity off, and crying, because nothing works that raw pure sadness without any control.

things have been triggering us lately, just the other day someone at work made a joke about “fashion police” to us. i know they ain’t meant bad but that was a way the mother emotionally abused us…

feels like triggers are everywhere. we only feel safe at home. but avoiding triggers is like putting a bandaid on a wound. works temporarily but you can’t run away forever.

running away has all been we thinking about. whenever we get too close to friends we start reducing them to flaws to keep them away.

maybe we do the same with the mother? people aren’t 2d. life would be easier if they were - and less interesting.