why am i such a coward

Why, in the face of change or adversity, am I such a coward?

I looked up TLC today and it made me feel so bad. Even seeing Duby’s face made me so sick. It makes me feel awful that she is still at TLC. I should have just stayed. I am sure that Hana would give me my job back, or another job, if I emailed, but then I would have to work with Duby and (potentially?) Mikolai and I don’t know how I would navigate that. I’ve been thinking about just calling Hana to see how the company is going or something, but I’m too much of a coward even for that. I know TLC would also be way more work and probably not be fulfilling, but I can’t help but wonder…

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know my career is basically over at Merit.

They clearly are never going to advance me at this point. And I hate to admit it but seeing Elias constantly promoted while I am shat on, seriously hurts… Like its painfully obvious that they don’t give a shit about me. Maybe I should contact Mucie and see what she is up to… haha. Really, is it so bad to want to be respected? Is it so bad to be ambitious? I feel like no one respects me at work. It still really hurt my feelings when they said I deserved to be fired. It was pretty clear to me that they were siding with a stupid company over their partner. The damage can probably be undone, eventually. But it is going to take such a long time. I feel like such an idiot for quitting TLC. I should have just bunkered down and pushed through.