extrovert's hell of my own making

forgot to write for a few days, oh well. had therapy today or, Anastasia did. basically just sat, and talking about the mother and him. i think she keeps forgetting to reference this diary in therapy or whatever. fine by me, as all i do in here is wah wah anyway.

speaking of wah wah, im feeling so lonely lately. i wish there was something i could do about it. most of the time, it feels like genuinely, no one actually wants to be talking to me, or wants me around in general. its such a bummer to feel this way. its really no one’s fault, and actually, ive felt this way my entire life, so its not anything new.

i read some dumbass bullshit on the /r/did reddit that was surprisingly highly upvoted. some armchair psychologist talking about how its ‘bad’ for alters to strive to distinguish themselves because it “furthers dissociation”

just integration garbage as usual, but it honestly shocks me how much it was upvoted. guess there are a lot of dumbass systems out there. but then, i already knew that. i was hoping to maybe get a little socialization in on there, but i guess not

being in such an isolated job is starting to get to me, i think. we do have a class starting sooner than later that will help, but also it will be for so a lot of people, it will take a while for them to know enough to even communicate. i guess it’s better than nothing and it’s online, so if we make friends, we can contact them easier than driving all the way up to Dallas which will be nice.

me just in an extrovert’s hell of my own making, and i need to escape. that’s why if the team dynamics are even remotely more social at pinebrain, then i definitely am going to take the job offer among other reasons. i know it’s getting bad because i genuinely thought “maybe i should become a server at a restaurant” today. what the fuck? i feel like alarm bells should be ringing or something or maybe that is the alarm bell lmao.

anyway there’s so much to do, and so little time. every minute that passes, i feel like i am more aware of my mortality, and the pressure to do something productive or fulfilling. but then i end up in decision paralysis because time is so precious that nothing i want to do feels worthy. but im also acutely aware that nothing i do actually matters, “dust in the wind” style. i feel like im too young to be having a midlife crisis already but there we are.

let i read this back when im 50 and laugh because then ill have the wisdom that i actually am young now.