Amanda on needing.space

i can journal however i like

Thu, 23 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today i am so cold. i just got out of the shower oops (ah not this one too oh then it goes)

Amanda says i am journaling wrong but screw her bc Stephanie says i can journal however i like.

the irs still owes me money those bastards. sum bullshit!

tomorrow is friday. today i took it really easy today because there wasn’t much easy work. but i still hit my bare minimum. i might have to do that tomorrow too.

Microblogs - January 2012

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:00:00 -0600

2012-01-30, 10:31 PM: fuck it, i'm deleting my plurk. anyone need my contact info?

2012-01-26, 6:56 AM: i think i'm finally ready to start rping on lj again. like everyone moved on though

2012-01-20, 12:19 PM: also i should update and say i'm moving out on my own this weekend.

2012-01-16, 2:30 PM: i feel like i'm in a really bad dream. i can't believe she's gone

2012-01-16, 1:33 PM: i wake up to "amanda might lose her job" thank you, work. i appreciate it.

2012-01-16, 2:41 AM: i guess i'm gonna try to sleep. fuck.

2012-01-16, 12:40 AM: well, my grandma passed. i guess the mourning can officially begin.

2012-01-13, 11:51 AM: My grandma is dying. I won't even be touching lj rp for a little while. Sorry. she was fine a week ago...

2012-01-04, 8:28 PM: hey i figured i'd invite everyone to my stream for once

2012-01-04, 11:36 PM: tumblr rp is gr8 ok guys. why do some ljers feel the need to snub it. i've met some really amazing rpers on there

blah blah blah

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

I feel like ranting because... yeah, whatever, I guess. I know everyone's under a lot of pressure, so it feels a little selfish to be complaining, but I'm doing it anyway. I had a couple places that I could have posted this... tumblr is too open and I don't trust my personal diary not to shit out on me and lose important entries. SO. It's going here.

This isn't going to have any coherence or even relatively good transitions. I'm just rambling; I'm not trying to write a paper for English.

I've been having nightmares like crazy lately. Stuff about my mom mostly, but sometimes it's about other stuff. I don't know why, but it drives me batty.

I've been sleeping... so much. Ten, eleven hours a day. It feels kind of like I'm just sort of floating by. Or life is just passing me by. For the past week, I've set my alarm for certain times... and I've woke up about thirty minutes before every time I set my alarm for. Then I'll roll over, and adjust my alarm for another hour. Because of this, I've been way oversleeping.

Life just... slowly passes me by. I find enjoyment in very few things. I wish I could enjoy more things. Everything costs money, though. And I'm not good at anything that wouldn't cost me money. I'd kill to be able to draw well, but it seems that I'm horrible at seeing something and copying it, so I can't learn anatomy well. Singing... just reminds me of my FAAB status. Not to mention any singing projects I'm in love to say "girls" and trigger the shit out of me. And I don't want to say anything, 'cause I don't want to be a burden.

I used to enjoy H!P and stuff like that... But now? I just sort of. I don't even know why I follow it. I don't, really. I check the Hello!Online twitter every so often. It's never news that interests me. It's always rambling on about -group I don't care about is releasing a new single- or -person I don't care about is releasing a new photobook-. Even if I did care as much as I used to, I can't fully participate in the H!P experience because I simply don't have money. I can't wota it up because I'm broke.

All I have is... pirated games and music? Wow. Way to be, you fucking loser. Can't even support your favorite artists or developers. And when you had money, you pissed it away on a computer instead of mental health or physical health or something important. Good going.

I feel like I'm depressed, and no one even knows. I do a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time, but I feel down a lot. Pretty much constantly. I feel happy sometimes, but most of the time it's just washed away in sadness. I'm starting to wonder if I bring it upon myself... Or if I'm just being over dramatic.

My dad always is quick to remind me that I'm over dramatic. Whenever I ever complain about something, he says I'm being over dramatic. Yet he tries to say that he's there to listen to me...? Yeah, right. I don't even want to know his reaction when he finds out I'm trans. OMG ATTENTION HORE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He's fucking horrible for even pretending to care about my problems. If he doesn't consider them to be problems, it's easier to just ridicule me.

Sometimes, I just want to cry. Sometimes, I just want people to listen to me cry and tell me that I'm not over reacting. And I do have a few friends that do that for me.

But I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this... It's not my friends/family's fault. I feel if I talked to anyone, they would just tell me I was being over dramatic. I'm always feeling like a burden, but especially lately. I feel like I'm just an annoyance in everyone's life... and talking about my problems would just be more of an annoyance. I know it's probably not true, but whenever I talk to someone, I can practically feel their annoyance with me. Like, I'm just wasting their time. I wouldn't blame anyone if they felt that way, but constantly feeling like this is seriously taking a drain on me. I don't like even asking people questions because I feel like I'm wasting their time.

But when was the last time I had a hug? I can't even remember. Maybe six months ago, when I was moving out from my dad's at first?

I'm so flaky. I can't ever choose one thing or the other. I always do things for a little bit of time, and then I move on to something else. I couldn't even hold a job down for a month. And then I moved in with Amanda for a month, then I came back. I get interested in things and then I quickly lose interest. I'm jealous of people who can have interests for more than a month or two.

What makes me feel the worst is complaining about money problems-- especially when I know people have it worse. Just... It's about to get a lot worse now that Amanda doesn't have food stamps. That's all there is to it. This stupid fucking horrible country. I fucking hate it.

I feel so worthless right now. I have for the past few months. I feel like I'm tipping over the edge of desperation, and I don't even know why. I don't even have it that bad. I have friends and family that love me, a steady home, and I'm working on bettering myself in college. So why do I feel so helpless and useless? I don't want to sound emo-- well, you know what. Fuck it. This is my journal, and whoever doesn't like it can bite me. I'm just going to write what I want.

I feel like self-reflection brings a tidal wave of guilt and unhappiness. I realize how fucking useless I am, and how god damn insignificant my life is-- and it fucking sucks. I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is offering to help me out of this incoming tsunami of self-hatred and depression.

And it's not even their fault. My friends and family don't even know. I won't let them help me. When I was a child, I had to do everything for myself. I'm so used to doing everything for myself, I don't like seeking help. I always chant to myself, "I'll be okay. I'll be fine. It's not a big deal." It's like a fucking ritual with me. It's like I have too much pride to admit "I might not be fine. This might not be okay. The quality of my life is hurting and upsetting me."

I have trouble admitting when something is a big deal. I don't know why. If it's something someone did to me, it's probably because I don't want them to feel bad about it. If it's something that just happened, I don't want people to tell me I'm over reacting.

Maybe it's because I was always praised for being so mature when I was a kid. When I refused to get in the car when my mother was drunk (which consequently led to her arrest), people around me told me, "Wow. You are so mature." And a lot of people who knew what my childhood was like tell me that I am really strong and mature for not having anything wrong with me.

ALL THEY ARE DOING IS VALIDATING MY CHOICE TO HIDE MY MENTAL PROBLEMS. And I write this, and I know it's wrong to try to hide them. But somewhere, there's a disconnect. I blame it on lack of money, but when I had money, I didn't get help. Why? Maybe I like people thinking I'm strong. I'm just a weak, weak person that crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure. I don't want people to know that.

I think my hypersensitivity to things that some people can take (like the music blasting next door...) is actually because I'm depressed and hypersensitive.

I'm not even a little independent. And that is killing me, too. All I can do is drive by myself. Big fucking deal. I'm still sucking from my dad's paycheck for gas money. I'm still a fucking child, that's all I am.

I don't want to take these things out on the people around me. I feel that sometimes, I do. I don't want to. I just wish I knew exactly what was wrong.

I'm a negative, horrible person. I'm bossy and I'm bitchy. I'm nitpicky. I'm quick to tell someone to do something, but slow to do it myself. Which also makes me a hypocrite. I can practically feel people avoiding me so they don't get sucked into my vortex of negativity and depression. "No one wants to be around a negative person!" (Thanks for that complex, Supervision class.)

I just want to cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need help. Please, someone help me.

oh wow this is super late

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 11:00:00 -0600

I should check LJ more often. Still doing new years survey thingie. BECAUSE I WANT TO. JEEZ

2010

Name: Nathaniel
Screen name: vanillainfused/magneticdeath
Current location: Watervliet, Michigan
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Sign: Gemini [fuck yeah twins]

2010 In The Beginning......

Where did you ring in the New Year? Home
Who were you with? Think it was just me in 2010
Did you kiss anyone at midnight? ;_; no
Did you make any resolutions? No
If so did you keep them? lol

2010 Your Love Life....

Single/Taken? Taken~
How many relationships did you have? Just the one
How many break ups? None
How many people did you kiss? None

2010 Friends and Enemies......

Did you meet any new friends this year? Not really
Did any of your friendships end? They come and go
Did you dislike anyone? Yep
Did you get into any fights? Yeah
Did you make any new enemies? Dunno, probably not
Did you resolve any fights? Short-term ones
Who was your closest friend? Without a doubt it was/is Julie

2010....The Holidays!

Did you have a Valentine? See above question
Did the Easter bunny visit you? Dad is the easter bunny and he brings Easter chocolate cheer
Did watch fireworks on the 4th of July? No
Did you dress up for Halloween? Yeah, Hannibal. Lazy costume though, just the mask
What did you do for Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing
Did you receive what you wanted? Didn't really want much haha
Were you good this holiday season? I've been a very naughty boy~ (lol)

2010 Your BIRTHDAY!!!

How old did you turn? 20
Did you have a cake? No
What did you do for your birthday? Went out to eat
Did you have a party? No
Did you get any presents? Couple :D

2010......The Memories and Accomplishments!

Funniest Memory? I can't single one out...
Saddest Memory? Dunno if I've had something bad enough to say 'saddest'. Not like anyone died, right
Most Embarrassing Memory? I hardly get embarrassed anymore lol
Best Accomplishment? Beginning college (does that count), getting myself unafraid of driving, honors GPA

2010.....FAVORITES!

Favorite TV shows? The Office
Favorite songs? Master of Puppets by Metallica (same old same old)
Favorite bands? Metallica, anything H!P
Favorite food? Lasagna. 2010 was year of the lasagna. <3
Favorite stores? I don't shop that much
Favorite restaurants? Any really
Favorite piece of clothing? Bad ass t-shirts (vidya gaems, Metallica)

2010.....All about YOU....

Did you change at all this year? Yes
Did you dye your hair? Highlights
Did you get your hair cut? Yes (need a new one too)
Did you change your style? Yes
Were you in school? Yes
Did you have a job? For like two seconds
Did you drive? Yes!! And it's a huge accomplishment that I finally am not afraid anymore
Did you own a car? Yes, 1994 Mitsubishi Galant (Maroon)
Did you lose anyone this year? No
Did anyone close to you give birth? No
Did you move at all? No
Did you go on any vacations? Lol yeah right
Did you leave the country at all? No
Would you change anything about yourself now? Not really

2010.....Wrap Up.

Was 2010 a good year? Yes
Do you have any regrets? I think I did some stupid things, however, I don't regret because it's best to focus on the future rather than on the past
Did 2010 bring any new insights? Some...
Do you think 2011 will top 2010? Probably not, lol. Wake me up when 2012 rolls around~
Do you have any goals for 2011? Get an iPod touch (lol). Also cram as many classes as I can into each semester so I can get school done and over with
If you could relive any moment which would you choose? Don't really have a particular one
If you could forget any moment what would it be? Quite a few. Depression, arguments, etc.
Do you wish 2010 wouldn't end? No. Then I would *never* graduate
Do you plan to do anything special for NYE 2010? Oops. Didn't do anything anyway, lol

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
-College
-Bought *my own* car
-Moved out of my dad's (even though it only lasted like a month)
-Turned into not-a-teenager!
-Gambled at the casino
-Wore a binder
-Probably lots more, I just don't remember

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and no. I don't need the new year to have goals~

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
I'm going to have to ask your lazy ass to scroll up and read my previous answer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
lol u funny

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A dick. (Wishful thinking, yo)

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not a good 'dates' person

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Scroll up and read somewhere up there

9. What was your biggest failure?
Quitting my job. (but it led to college, so. not that bad)
Also being a jackass to Julie. Sorry bb

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My pool injury! Haha (a little cut i got playing pool). Nothing serious though

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my car. It's been the most useful at least.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Julie - Graduating HS and joining college
My dad - Got a job
Amanda - Switched her degree into something she will actually enjoy
Steve - Got a job (though he doesn't have one now)
There's probably more, just don't remember

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to list

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New MM members, getting lots of money in October 2010

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
4minute - HUH (the song Amanda was playing when 2010 ended)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened? happier- i'm actually doing something for my future (college)
ii. thinner or fatter? feel thinner, but in reality, the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably poorer because i'm actually in debt now. lol

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Having actual fun and not wasting time (but most of the time that requires money)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing. And studying (turns out I didn't need it)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I never really celebrate Christmas

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
You're like, 2 years late, survey

23. Any one-night stands?
Haha no

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office (again.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book you read?
Me, read books? u funnie

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Korean pop

28. What did you want and get?
Money lol

29. What did you want and not get?
flag in my arms hngggh

30. Favorite film of this year?
Saw too many to pick

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
20, went out to eat (already answered this too)

32. What kind of things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Lazy (as usual)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Koharu Kusumi, maybe. (you are missed from MM ;~;)

36. What political issues stirred you the most?
A bunch. Politics generally irritates me because people are stupid

37. Who do you miss?
Steve (actually seeing him rather than talking to him online)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet new people rly

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Sometimes you don't always know what you want, but everything will work out in the end

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
(lol)

hey

Sat, 19 Jun 2010 12:00:00 -0500

so I'm not dead! Actually just had a birthday a few days ago. Had a month-long stay at Amanda's, moving back. Enrolled in college. Actually, that's a lot of new information. I really need to update this thing more properly when I have the time. D:

another survey

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0600

Name: [REDACTED]
Straight/gay/bi? It’s complicated. I guess effectively gay, but technically pansexual.
Single? Nope, and I wouldn’t give her up for the world ♥
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Height? 5’2’‘
Eye colour: Green
Happy with it? Actually, I’d rather them be blue. I’ve always wanted blonde hair and blue eyes, but I can’t stand contacts so I can’t help that.
Pets? A gecko named Mitsuo
Piercings? My ears, if they’re even still pierced. They’re probably closed up~ I want to get my lip pierced as well, just haven’t gotten around to it.
Tattoos? Nope. Still considering whether I want one or not… Probably will be considering it for quite a few years. I’m not in a hurry to go ink my skin permanently.
Obsessions? Metallica, Hello!Project, facebook games/ragnarok/games in general, computer

What is the compliment you get most from people? That I have nice eyes, oddly enough. I remember someone once told me that I have “perfect” lips, as in they’re not too Angelina Jolie thick and they aren’t paper thin.
Can you sing? I’d like to think so.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? There are a lot of things I know that I could improve upon, personality-wise. As for physically, I like myself pretty much fine.
What do you like the most about your body? My face.
And the least? Hm.. my weight, maybe? Even though I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago.

DO YOU?
- Smoke? Nope
- Do drugs? Nope
- Read the newspaper? No, just digg.com haha
- Pray? Nope
- Go to church? Nope
- Talk to people even though you hate them? I don’t “hate” people, so this is a fundamentally flawed question. But if I need to talk to someone I dislike, I won’t let my feelings come in the way. But if I don’t have to, then no
- Drive? I can, but I don’t
- Like to drive fast? Naw, I’m pretty much like an old lady
- Like your voice? Not really. I think I sound incredibly nerdy. It’s not as bad when I’m just talking, but when I hear a recording of myself it’s really noticable. Even my singing voice sounds weird to me.
- Hurt yourself? Nope

HAVE YOU EVER?

- Been out of the country? Once… I went to Canada when I was 7. That’s it. We don’t really have the funds to do stuff like that, and even if we did, my dad has a “why leave America?” attitude so I’d probably have to go with my grandma
- Had sex? Yes
- Been in love? Yes
- Had a surgery? Yup.. when I was three, I was rocking on a rocking chair in the garage. I rocked too far and fell back and split my head open.
- Ran away from home? Hmm… depends on the definition. One time, my dad got REALLY drunk and started punching stuff, so I ran away to Amanda’s that night, but that was the only time. (Last time he got drunk too)
- Been so drunk that you know you’re supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can’t remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath? Uh… Just read the previous question’s answer and take a guess as to whether I can stand alcohol or not.
- Thought about suicide? Yes
- Talked on the phone all night? Yes. Actually I talk with Amanda on skype all night almost every day
- Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? Yes, when I was little we used to go camping with Danny and Caleb.
- Killed someone? …
- Had sex with a stranger? No…
- Thought you’re going crazy? Sometimes I still do, haha
- Kissed the same sex? Nope
- Done anything sexual with the same sex? Not yet
- Stolen anything? Hm… a few times stand out to me. Once, when I was really little, I took a strategy guide for Diddy Kong Racing from the store (so it was probably 1997, so I was 7). I didn’t know that they cost money. Also, when I was 14 or something, I stole a can of cheese from the dollar store just to see if I could get away with it.
- Been on radio/TV? Nope
If I were a month I would be: Probably December. Start off as warm, but turn very cold near the end. Hahah.
If I were a day of the week I would be: Tuesday. I’m very boring and not really renowned for anything.
If I were a time of day I would be: 4am.
If I were a planet I would be: Pluto…oh wait
If I were a direction I would be: West
If I were a liquid I would be: Flavored water…
If I were a flower/plant I would be: Rose, insert cliche with thorns, etc.
If I were an animal I would be: A dog… dumb and loyal.
If I were a color I would be: Gray
If I were a fruit I would be: Strawberry
If I were an element I would be: Wind
If I were a food I would be: Beef jerky lols
If I were a place I would be: Alaska?
If I were a body part I would be: DICKS

some of my past

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Meeting Amanda

Back in 2002-2003, the internet was a younger place (and I was a younger person--12-13). Everyone had AOL, and I was no different. I had AOL 6.0 if I remember correctly, but eventually upgraded to 8.0. I couldn't really get into 9.0 or 10.0 like Amanda.

Amanda is my best friend whom I met in middle school. 7th grade. I was as much of a loner then as I am now, however, we had something in common. Or at least something that I could grasp straws too. She liked anime. The anime that comes on Adult Swim, of course, because we were both 13-year-olds and this is the age of dial-up, trying to download anime would take more time than working up the money to buy it. I remember very vividly how we started talking. I'd just moved to Watervliet, and one of the student council members named Kenny (very nice guy) introduced us. We wrote little notes back and forth to each other, and the first note Amanda wrote me went something like this:

"Hi! :D
Do you want to come over to my house today?"

It was, initially, a huge risk for me. As you may or may not know, the reason I was moved to Watervliet was because I moved in with my dad in 2002. I previously lived with my mom and her husband, both of which were abusive drunks who literally moved our school every year. I had built up a defense mechanism not to get too close. However, I decided to go out on a limb and go to her house.

Now, before she met me, she didn't have the internet. All she had was television. I kept raving to her how great computers are, and how she absolutely needs to get the internet so we can talk over IM. About a month later, she managed to convince her gramma to get a computer. Her gramma kept putting parental locks on it which I showed her how to circumvent, because I'm a little bastard.

But then were the days of KaZaA and dial up. Downloading a song took an hour and I remember waiting months to download a 4gb concert (A MUSEUM- I have since bought it). I also remember accidentally deleting an entire anime series that she was downloading, which must have taken at least a month. Yes, those were more innocent times.

Because of Amanda liking anime (I never really got into it), we frequented anime chatrooms together on AOL. Even before I met Amanda, I'd been rping. I learned about it because I was into HP in 2002 (shoot me, etc). There was a lot of HP RP on AOL in those days (there was even a private chat called hprp). So, I introduced her to rp as we know it today. She was hooked.

We eventually got very close with a few friends of ours. Particularly Leo (whom we called Inuyasha, because that was who he rped), Mercy, and Gin. Mercy and Gin were supposedly long distance lovers and one thing I can vividly remember about them is that they were boning on Amanda's birthday one year because they scheduled a flight to see each other. I wonder how they are today... I've talked to Inuyasha a few times since then, but nothing serious.

For the most part after that, I just hopped around chats where no one cared about who you were ooc. It felt more comfortable that way. It wasn't until late 2004 that I felt the need to come up with another e-persona. It was for a completely different reason this time. thundercake.com. Oh, thundercake.com. You're gone now (replaced by a dA account), but I remember you well.

I have been webdesigning since 2002- since I've been on the internet. In fact, Amanda showed me a crappy geocities website of hers that made me laugh, and I helped her learn a little bit how to design. The problem has always been finding someone who will host your site-- someone who will let you take their space to put up your own little space of the web. Now, way back when, there was pick-me.net. Today, it's still up, but it's not run by the same people. I like this system better, however, back then, there was a tagboard system. Someone tagged saying they were hosting or they needed a host, and people followed through to their site. This is how I found thundercake.com.

When I first encountered the site, it was using iframes and had a little vector cloud. I thought it was very creative, cute, and stuck out in the sea of huge-people-vexels-that-took-5-years-to-load (remember, this was still dial-up days).

I decided that I would be hosted by this person if it killed me. However, their rules stated "I'd like it if we had something in common". I looked down her list of interests. Fuck! We barely had anything in common-- she was a political activist and I was a kid who just wanted an internet host. The host's name was Li, and she was a bisexual extreme liberal.

Thus Bruce was born. How did I come up with my name? I remember very vividly that I turned around and asked Steve, "What's the gayest name you can think of, for a guy?" and he responded "Bruce". Then I needed an AIM name. Closest thing sitting to me was a rainbow pencil, so my AIM name became "arainbowpencil". Ended up going by Rainbow as a nickname, which I carried over to H!O. I still use the username 'agrayrainbow' over there. I IMed her and we talked for a bit. Li welcomed me, and I got to use her webspace:

"Rainbow's my best [online] friend. When I think about Rainbow (or Bruce) I want to use the word "quirky" but that's way too flamboyant for Bruce (which is saying something ;)). He's a fellow anime fan, and we spend long hours talking trash about your website behind your back. He's been a hostee for a LOOOONG time...in fact, I think he was my first, unless that was Megan. He now has his own domain (real-emotion.org) but he's still hosted at Thundercake, giving us a sort of supernatural bond (sort of like, I could delete his site if I wanted to, but I won't). Rainbow's a great person who gets crap from everyone. One day I'll show up in Michigan and kick the asses of his foes. And that's the end of my Rainbow paragraph. When he sees this he's going to squee. And use this face --> XDD"

I should also probably mention I half-assedly crossed this persona to DC++ (a filesharing/chat client). There was this guy from Czech Republic named Diamond that was so gullible that he believed I was a cis dude even though I voice chatted with him. I tried to make my voice sound a bit deeper but it was probably epic fail. Amanda and I still have an inside joke about how his mic lagged and made him sound like a robot.

Next was when I started going by Jason... Oh, Jason.

There were a few people that I regularly talked to in that chat: a girl named Mel, who was actually pretending to be a guy (I had to drag it out of her), a girl named.. god, I can't remember, let's just call her 'bitch' because it's appropriate (also pretended to be a guy).

Ethan

Finally, there was a Canadian 19-year-old guy named Ethan. I don't know whether it was a chick with a better, more convincing act than most, but I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Ethan's rp was on a different level than everyone else's. His was way better. All his rp wasn't about sex-- in fact, he felt almost uncomfortable rping yaoi. The reason why he said he lurked those chats were because he liked watching the interactions. Eventually, I got him to play with me one-on-one and it was like love at first type... or something. I was only fourteen, but if it wasn't love, it was the biggest crush ever. I came online every day to talk to him, vent to him, rp with him.

But he didn't really treat me right. Often he'd cry "Jaaaaay" when I got online, and we'd talk for a bit. He was generally very rude with me, but for some reason, I was into that type of guy. We were both very immature. I remember that part very clearly. We'd say something even remotely sexual, and he would respond with "heh heh" in his teal-blue 8pt Verdana. We had some good times together, despite the fact that my character was a little weird.

Of course, being me, I rped with other people as well, and there was another guy named Luke who ~wanted~ me. I actually enjoyed playing with Luke more than I enjoyed playing with Ethan. That was because Ethan was orthodox, Ethan was normal, and my character, Kaoko, just didn't fit with very well with his, Kish. However, Luke would always play the weirdest scenarios with me and I ate it up.

Point being, I liked Ethan for OOC chat, and I liked Luke for IC.

However, the bubble eventually had to burst. Eventually, I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend (bitch, of course) about the fact that I was, in fact, the certified owner of a vagina. Naturally, she ran and told Ethan, and Ethan pried teeth getting that out of me personally. By this point, we were very close. He even said something along the lines of "thank god, I'm not gay". However, shit hit the fan when I told him I'd just turned 15. For some reason, that made him back off. If it was ~twu wub~ or whatever, it wouldn't matter, right? We'd have to wait to meet nonetheless.

Despite all that, we continued talking. He signed on less often though, and I started to get a bit worried. One week, he didn't sign on at all without any notice, which was a huge blow. When he came back, he said something about a drug overdose? Thing is, Amanda was good friends with Ethan as well. Amanda worked the truth out of him-- and proceeded to send me the log. It was ugly like, "Amber whines about her brother too much. What about MY problems?" and "I'm getting kind of sick of her" and "A friend of mine hung himself and I come online and she's bitching about her brother." Of course, I never knew any of that about him? He insisted to never talk about himself.

But... after I told him I read it, that was basically the end of whatever we had. He stopped signing on, I was heart-broken for awhile. I still had Luke to rp with, but he eventually stopped signing on as well. I think Ethan was the first time I had ever really loved, and it hurt for him to just leave like that. I even got an abandonment complex that a lot of people don't know about or don't understand. Even now, writing about it, is making me kind of sick.

I took a break in 2007, solely playing the XBox, where I met dale. In 2008, I met flag. The rest is history, I guess.

Ethan IMed me again in June 2008. I made the mistake of signing on my MSN one day, and he said that he was just bored (and drunk), IMing old friends. So basically, it was the drunk dialing of the IM world. At that time, I was having my little ill-informed fling with Paul. It was interesting that Ethan would IM me a few days after my birthday and cheer about me being 'legal now'. However, I was willing to throw Paul aside. After all, this was Ethan, the guy I hadn't talked to since 2005. I used a bit of discretion though because I knew it was too good to be true (especially if he was drunk). Naturally, he went AFK for awhile and some girl comes back saying "hey, this is _____, I'm gonna have to steal him away for a bit ;)" and I proceeded to block him. I didn't and still don't have time for that shit.

Luke was one that never found out about my vagina-possession, so when he contacted me in April 2009 and I told him I had a girlfriend now, he said "I thought you were gay?" And he said he had a girlfriend, so I asked him the exact same thing. Basically, he said he wanted to 'catch up' and we ended up catching up for five minutes and I haven't talked to him since.

Cheers.

no. just, no.

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Steve: Gabby said you were hitting on her.
Me: What?!
Steve: She said you said she looked like a bisexual or something.
Me: For one, that's not even hitting on someone. For two, I said nothing like that!

I proceeded to get on myspace IM and bitch at her about it.

Steve's already planning on breaking up with her, so it doesn't really hurt my feelings much.

The closest thing I could even think that she could get out of that was that she left me a message saying "you're totally pretty!" and I reciprocated. In the words of Amanda: "you return a compliment and all the sudden you wanna fuck her? totally not the homophobe thing to say".

She's not even that cute, I only said it to be nice. She was the first one to call me "really pretty"! I have a girlfriend I love, and I'm not going to leave her for anyone, especially not a fugly rumor spreading clingy cuntrag who 1) refuses to verify rumors she spreads and 2) gets pissed when Steve can't come get her because we have a fucked up car.

This is why I'm not nice to anyone. Whenever I'm falsely nice to people, it comes back to bite me in the ass. I'd rather be an upfront bitch than a falsely nice person (like Gabby obviously is).

various shit

Sat, 02 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Okay, so I haven't had a chance to make an update for a few days.

...That's a lie, I've just been too lazy, really. I'm gonna do an entry about this week in a HIGHLIGHTZ 4 KIDZ version:

Metallica on Timewarp. It was okay, not really that great. The best part was probably Lars joking ("Are you seeing something you haven't noticed before?" "Yeah, my receding hairline") and James spitting all over the mic. Seeing Kirk's fingers go super slow ("I've never played that slow before!") and Robert desperately trying to blow out an amp and epically failing are a few more awesome parts about the show. I didn't like that they showed other shit though. What the shit does a dirt bike have to do with Metallica?
Been trying out new browsers because Firefox has become super slow. As I type this, my text lags. Of course. Anyway, the browser I've chosen is Flock. It's based from Firefox, so it still is a bit slow but not quite as slow. Also, I can use Ad-Block which is great! I wish Google Chrome had Ad-Block but it doesn't. Anyway, Flock has won me over. All its social features are great. Even as I'm writing this entry, I can see what all my friends are doing, which is awesome. I mean, what would I do without the immediate, left-hand sidebar style knowledge that my girlfriend was yawning 10 hours ago!?
Arguments ahoy this week. I don't know. Have I just been irritated? It's kind of stressing me out, though. People are pissing me off this week. But I've made up with every single one of the people I've argued with, so maybe everyone's just touchy. It's the spring weather, I tell ya. No one would pull this shit during winter. That's my home turf, after all.
Amanda and Josh broke up, and she's now talking to another guy. I'm happy about the former fact, but I don't know how to feel about the latter. The guy's name is Jason and he's pretty cool nonetheless. A lot cooler than Josh, not that it's a particularly difficult task, haha.
WEBSITE HOSTS, RAAAGE. I'm sure no one cares about them, but I'll make a TL;DR version: I've had to switch hosts like three times in one week. This is not an easy task. I've decided to get hosted with someone that I'm actually getting to know and like, this guy @ idiologic.com. His name is Ben, and he's pretty freakin' neat.
cock omelette

moving to a private journal

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

I AM MOVING TO A DIFFERENT JOURNAL.

People that can have the URL and will be readded:
exoticdisco, jupernia, raspberrysyrup, theonlydale

I will keep this journal still alive for memories and so I can read my friends lists' entries.

If you have anything to say to me about this or any other issue, feel free to comment as I will be checking it occasionally.

PS: you can thank AJ for this! That scumbag decided it was a good idea to let Amanda (someone I ranted angrily about) use his account. Said drama had NOTHING to do with him, he just thought it was proper to let someone I purposely removed read my LJ. Classy, huh?

few days off the internet

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Didn't get on the internet for a few days. I've been playing so much COD4 because Danny came over with his XBox 360, I didn't even get a chance to sign on now and then. Oh well.

A lot of drama happened with Manng and Amanda. Well, not a LOT. She came on and I chat invited her.. and she lied, saying she "didn't get it" and I asked her, "why are you on the xbox?" And she answered, of course, "to talk to matt". That was like the last straw for me and I just deleted them both and I have no intention of talking to either of them again. They've been so buddy buddy and avoiding me, so I just figured "hey, might as well give them what they want". (also AJ sucks)

I finally got to level 54 on COD4 though, which is a good thing. I level grinded there tonight and am happy. I'll have level 55 to shoot for, which is the max level. All I get for level 55 is a golden Desert Eagle though, which I'm not too thrilled about.

I finally found out how to mute everyone but the people on my friends list on Xbox and it really helps. COD4 has so much of the "Halo Jackass Frat Boy Crowd" that I got sick of hearing it and I literally didn't want to play because of it. So now I can only hear my few friends.. sure, I may be missing out on a few new friends, but I'm not in the business of making new friends and I'd probably just delete them later.

Speaking of new friends, today, in a random match, I saw a person named "Berryz RISAKO". I friend requested them and they accepted.. because it's so, so rare to find anyone into H!P on the Xbox. I didn't even realize it at first.. I was bitching at the guy:

"God?! Who is this, in my fucking way. Just STANDING there. Risako... Ohhh. They must like BK, that's awesome!"

Not to mention they're from Japan (I can tell from some of the games they've played). That makes it a little difficult to talk to them. I sent them a message "berryz koubou is awesome!!" and they sent back "yes!!!!!" so I think they understood that but I don't think they understand English.

Um.. I'm going to bed now. At 10:30AM. I am not going to wake up until night tomorrow.. pathetic of me. @___@//

arcade dream

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

I had a dream of an arcade.. we went in with my gramma and Steve and Amanda, though somehow other people came too.

There were a few different scenarios:

Skeeball: Amanda and Steve and I all played Skeeball. Mine was broken though and the ball would not fit through the plastic thing at the end and was actually SUBTRACTING points. I ended up getting like 5 tickets though.

Mortal Kombat: There was a TV hooked up and it said "Free". They were apparently running an emulator and rom and the person who worked there (who happened to be my cousin, John) said it was so his boss could see how everyone was playing. Steve tried to play and go through the menus but they were all in Italian. He changed it to English and eventually we played. I sucked as usual...

"Singstar?": It was called Singstar but it was really Karaoke Revolution + DDR. Amanda and I played, and I picked "Higher", the DDR song. I yelled at her for not doing the DDR parts (ignoring them completely) and just doing the singing.

Weird Guitar Hero Rip Off: There was a guy playing Guitar Hero Rip Off, and all the colors were in the wrong places so it was really difficult. He wanted me to try it, and I was passing all right but not very well. I exclaimed, "What is this! Lefty Flip!" but it wasn't.

During WGHRO: While I was playing GH Rip Off, Dale came behind me and hugged me and said that he loved me. It was.. a little random and weird, but I felt embarrassed cos my Gramma was there.

After all the games are done: Here's the sad part. For some reason my MOM was there, and she was like "how do you feel about me?" and I told her that I loved her and that she's my mom, and she told me that how she THINKS I feel about her is "I don't love her and don't ever want to talk to her again". Then I woke up..

It was weird.

2007 Survey [it was a big year.]

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Drive around with only my brother!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year. I didn't think I needed to. This year, I think I may make "stop drinking pop"

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't know how close they are, but all my cousins are getting pregnant. Literally every girl from my 2nd cousin's family has gotten pregnant this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Whew.. not sure about next year though..

5. What countries did you visit?
Pff I wish I could visit other countries.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Less procrastination!! I want to be able to drive and get a job..

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 4, 2007-- the day I got my very own Xbox 360!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Quitting school. (I know it's weird, but I've been wanting to forever.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Procrastinating 6 months away.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Xbox 360 by far.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
None...?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? worried?
A lot of my friends'. Maybe I'm just pessimistic.

14. Where did most of ALL! your money go?
Xbox 360 + stuff.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Rock Band! Man I waited MONTHS for that thing.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Epic by Faith no more

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier, generally (though I had super pissy moments)
ii. thinner or fatter? the same amazingly.
iii. richer or poorer? depends on what you mean. If you mean physical money and possessions, I'd say the same. If you mean rich with happiness and good events, I'd say richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Getting out of the house...

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastination

20. How will you be spending did you spend Christmas?
...this question doesn't make sense.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes

23. How many one-night stands?
0, I'm a virgin ~_~

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
I got into Days of Our Lives for 2 seconds.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
I haven't read any. (Hey, don't get on me! I do all my learning online.)

27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
Ayu, which I had abandoned really.

28. What did you want and get?
Xbox 360

29. What did you want and not get?
Ayu's new album.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
There were a lot of good ones this year...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went out to eat and went shopping. I am 17. (Only one more year 'til the big one eight..)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Be able to meet him physically.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Same as every year-- do not care.

34. What kept you sane?
The people closest to me!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ayu, as every year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage. Had one too many debates about that this year.

37. Who did you miss?
Amanda! She moved.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Dale..

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
Material possessions are shit. All you really need is love.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
.. I don't even know. D:

Such a long vacation.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

This really has been a super long vacation. It has only been a few weeks but being away from my best friends and my boyfriend for a few weeks is more like torture than a vacation. I admit that part of the reason I left was because I needed a break from the daily grind but I guess absense makes the heart grow fonder and the daily grind is the daily grind because I like things like that. I'm starting to see that I don't like change very much.

However, there were a lot of fun parts of the vacation so I can't complain TOO much. When I first came, I brought Rock Band. Gramma and Zack (my 10 year old cousin) and myself all made a band together. We called ourselves the Viper Blood. Yeah, kind of dorky and stupid, but it was something that was automatically generated. Gramma played Drums on Easy. Zack was the singer on Easy. And I was the guitarist on Expert. We were a great band until I brought it downstairs because Gramma was bitching that Roger (her husband) wanted to watch TV on the weekend. Ironically, the cable broke and he couldn't watch it in the living room anyway-- making the trip up and down the stairs with the huge amount of accessories completely irrelevant and unnecessary. Tami and Pat came over and played (well Tami played, Pat woke me up from a dead sleep to have me set it up JUST so he could watch it). Then, the last thing that has to do with Rock Band: Steve came over this weekend and played. We were going to do Endless mode but we got 10 songs in and he started to fall asleep while playing the Bass so I just told him to forget about it and we'll do it some other time (sometime at my house, so he can get the achievements too!).

We went to the mall two times to go to the new arcade there called Slackers. It's really awesome. It has DDR: Extreme but I only played that a few times (there was a guy there that was really good the second time!). Because I was having er girl problems the second time, I couldn't really play too aggressively. And I got tired easily. Zack and I played Skeeball a lot the first time, and the second time with Steve, we played TONS of Deal or No Deal. The first time, with Zack, we only got 400 tickets all together but the second time, with Steve, we got 1003 tickets! We each got 333 tickets, and I feel like I got robbed because I got a big rubber ball but it broke a few minutes after I started playing with it. Oh well, it was funner playing the game than it was to actually get the toy. The highest Steve and I got was 250 tickets from Deal or No Deal. It was between 3 tickets and 400 tickets. We had the 400 in our case! I had the feeling that we did, but we didn't want to risk it... It was still really fun. Gramma thought about buying a TV while we were in the mall, but said that I "talked her out of it" because I told her not to go more into debt just for a big screen TV. I didn't mean to talk her out of it though-- I wanted to see her have a big screen TV! Oh well.

Steve bought the game Scene It! for $40 (poor guy, that's tons of money). We all played it together-- it was really, really fun. I was horrible at it because I don't know many movies. Steve was the best. We played teams the second time we played it, and Steve was on my team so naturally we won! Woo! I only knew a few questions but I really did know the questions that I knew.

We didn't have a whole lot of money so we couldn't go many places. I had a roast beef sandwich over 9000 times, but that's just because I like those. I got into Days of Our Lives, so I'm going to have to see if I can catch that on TV here or if it's only a Direct TV thing. I didn't get into Passions thankfully, because I know for a fact that's a Direct TV only thing.

The entire vacation wasn't all peaches and creams though. Roger (Gramma's husband) was being a serious pain in the ass! As in.. rude. He asked Steve and I, "When's the last time you've seen your gramma and grampa's grave? In the last four years?" and we said "never". How the hell are we supposed to get there? We don't even know where they're buried. I'm not a believer in visiting someone elses' grave. Since I believe that when a person dies, their soul is gone and they just rot in the ground, I don't see why I have to visit their grave. If they were good people, then their legacy will outlive them. And since they were family, they always have a place in my heart. But he didn't need to act pissy and like he's better than us because he visits his family's grave. I was really offended by that and Gramma tried to pretend like it was just because he was working long hours. Bullshit. He's a rude guy.

Zack was good most of the time we were there but he was rude some of the time. He was cussing and swearing and acting up when he heard Steve was coming over. He knew that I would give more attention to Steve than him because I don't get to see Steve often and he's easily tied for #1 place for my family in my heart (tied along with my dad). So of course I'm going to give him attention! He acted really rude to me most of the time when Steve was there but before that he was okay. That's part of the reason I was leaving-- he started acting rude and basically the only reason I was staying was so that he could have company. I was going to stay until the 16th but I was really hurting from missing Dale and my friends. 15th is going to be his birthday party, so I'll probably pop in for that but I'm not staying the weekend or anything. I might stay a few hours at most.

Another bad thing that happened was that Mom called. Gramma made me talk to her and she "just found out" that I quit school (though she didn't-- she was leaving bad messages on my answering machine before that, and later she admitted that she knew and it "just now hit her", yeah right). A lot of drama was caused because of that and I was going to go home however I decided to stay. Mom said that she was going to "come get me and make me realize I was wasting my life". What, like she did? She's a hypocrite.

That's basically all that happened... I think. All the important stuff, unless you count my gramma crapping her pants to be important! (It was funny but.. sick.)

Steve will probably come over at Christmas break. Looking forward to that! He's been really generous lately and I'm surprised. In a happy way. I'm not really looking forward to Christmas itself because it means nothing to me-- not like I'm getting presents or anything, and since I'm athiest it has no religious meaning. Haha.

TL;DR: Vacation was overall good, but I missed everyone!

PS: There was some really embarrassing mix up where I thought Amanda's online BFF Eric was a guy I used to know and be fairly close to, Luke. It ended up in a 3 hour conversation with him about Amanda and other stuff. Weird...

10 things that make me happy!

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Rules: The rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 10 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs. Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in a while.

01] Dale♥ Whenever I talk to him, I am happier. He makes my life worth living♥
02] Morning Musume & Ayu.. well, music in general, I guess. If it's a happy song, I get happy!
03] Getting stuff for free!
04] Steve and Amanda♥ My brother and my best friend! They can both cheer me up when I'm feeling upset or down. Steve is brutally honest which I really appreciate and Amanda always makes me feel good about myself.
05] Making other people happy. I sub so that other people can understand things and enjoy the videos better. I try to do my best everyday to help other people out when I can, and when I see that they are truly happy because of it, it makes me happier than anything.
06] Watching Tyra and court TV! And comedies too ♥ I love learning stuff, and I also love people who are inspirational, and things that make me laugh. Whenever I laugh, I'm happy.
07] When I actually work for something and can buy it myself. When I worked for those 1600 Microsoft Points and didn't make dad pay $20 for me, I felt so liberated and like I really earned them! (And I didn't spend them so quickly knowing that too XDD)
08] Dancing and singing. Singing mostly, unfortunately because it makes me so happy, when someone criticizes me, I get really upset T___T
09] Rock Band which is coming out in FOUR DAYS #(Y*RY*#RHOSDGHDSGH I CANNOT WAIT! We're gonna line up before Best Buy opens and rush in there and get a copy! ♥
10] Simple pleasures such as rain pattering outside the window or calm music. It makes me happy and peaceful.

Um.. I'm glad I did this. Because a lot of people say I'm super moody and angry all the time and hard to please, I think this is a list that can be useful. XDD

a

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Since I haven't had most of these lately, I'm going to write a "real" entry which isn't just filler links or video or something. I don't have much to say though, so I'll just let a UL do it:

I'm making a big image of a whole bunch of "secrets" I have. I don't know if I'll just end up deleting it in the end, but it feels good. I already have tons and tons and tons of secrets written down!
Amanda moved. I miss her. T___T
I was supposed to go to my gramma's a few days ago but I accidently stayed up too late, and when she called she just decided that we should do it some other time.
Fansubbing is going great. Because I subbed Momusu's Mikan (here) only a day after it came on TV, it so far has around 1.6k views, and even got a few awards a few days ago. I'm pretty proud of that.
Because people have been seeing that fansub, I have gotten at least 3 requests for me to join people's groups.
ROCK BAND COMES IN 9 DAYS UYHR$*IHRHW*YVHJNDVJKNSDKNVSCKNjvn
New layout : t0xicrain

That is all.

ct2 fangirling ♥

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I (and by I, I mean nyanko_nin) started playing Clock Tower 2 the other day. That is the ONLY game I think that I am better than her at 1 player mode in. I convinced her she should try to play it, and even hooked up the PS2 so she could. But she was hella confused and didn't know the exact steps to get through the level like I did.

It really made me think about old times back in 2002 and 2003 when I first saw that game. I rented Clock Tower 1 first, but I didn't really get to play it all that much so I asked Steve to rent it again for me (I didn't feel like going to the video rental store with my dad and him). He came back with Clock Tower 2 saying something like, "They didn't have the original one so I got this one".

I groaned with annoyance and decided to give this one a try. And although it had shoddy graphics and a confusing gameplay, I really loved the storyline and most of all, Bates. I don't know what it was, perhaps that I was a 12 or 13 year old girl and he seemed to be a badass guy, perhaps it was because he was the only good voice actor in the game, perhaps it was because he got all the best lines, but he was the one who made me shell out $40 to buy the game online (and $20 again on ebay later after I lent it to a friend I never saw again).

S'yeah, apparently Amanda (nyanko_nin) didn't get that far, but I started to watch the endings again on YouTube. I was of course very happy because I got to watch them but something that annoyed me the most was Bates' Japanese voice. It was a.. girl? What the hell? The voice actor sounded apathetic and there was no way in hell she could hold a candle to Roger L Jackson. When they say "Japanese voice acting is always better", they don't mean ALWAYS. Take it from me, rly.

Anyway, I think I'm getting back on a CT2 kick, which is always good. 8D Though I don't feel like unhooking the Xbox 360.. and just ended up playing UNO. I'm trying to get that last achievement! Can you blame me? That'll be the first game I ever finished. ♥ The second one will be ROCK BAND! Mwahaha, can't wait for that.

Well, money's been tight and I don't know whether I can buy The Orange Box but Dad said we could at least rent it again this weekend. I've been hyped about playing Team Fortress 2 again, which has serious replayability.

Maybe he'll buy it when I tell him he doesn't have to buy Army of Two in November (it was pushed back to 2008). Dale said he might get it too. Here's to hoping we have another multiplayer game to play, because as much as I like Gears I'm a little burned out on it...

PS: Rock Band's release date was pushed earlier, to Nov 20 which is 3 days earlier than Black Friday. Hurray! ♥

PPS: New layout

Yo

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I rented Bioshock and watched Amanda play it for like 11 hours straight, finishing it. I'm trying to convince her to get the rest of the achievements, not necessarily because I want the achievements (I mean I do, but mostly because) I want to see how pumped up the guy is with everything upgraded. XD

It was on easy, so in order to get ALL the achievements, we'd have to go back and redo it on hard. Amanda said to do that myself but I'm extremely bad at those games and I probably couldn't even beat it on easy, so I'm gonna have to give up on that achievement. There's a couple more that I know I probably won't get (one about atom, one about the info tapes). I still have about 4 days on it including today so I'm sure we can get a few more before we have to take it back in.

I might rent Halo 3 after that.. dun dun duuuun.

Sorry

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Sorry I haven't been updating a lot. It's mostly because I'm always talking about things that annoy me and never really talking about the good things in life. Since my life has been fairly good lately, I've had no reason to update. Heh.

I suppose that I should write an entry about the things that are going well in my life, or what has happened lately, hmm?

Amanda (who has actively been wishing her name was Aimee) has been staying at my house. She has her computer set up on my living room table, and all those wires have added to the clusterfuck which I'd like to call underneath my computer table. We have both our computers plugged in, so she enabled network sharing and took The Sims 2 (and all expansions) from my computer. It doesn't even work on mine.. so I uninstalled a few expansion packs and I hope that'll fix the problem, because I really wanna play.

Off of that topic, have you ever just stopped and realized, "wow, I might be going to spend the rest of my life with this person"? I mean, I've been dating the same person for at least 5 or 6 months, but this is just now setting in fully. It's not even a debate with myself, it's really what I think is going to happen. And even though my gramma keeps urgently encouraging me not to settle down young, she has to realize that I am not her. I think that's been a hard thing for her to realize, and she knows just as much as I do that I'm most likely going to marry young. Everyone is different (Amanda is a case in point, she doesn't even want to think about getting married until she gets out of the marines) but I know what I want to do as far as that goes.

Off topic: Does anyone have any really good computer games they could suggest? I'm bored.

"lol but leik u r so smrt."

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

My gramma called today saying something like..

"Your counselor called, she sounded like she was going to have a heart attack. She said you didn't answer the phone. I told her you decided to quit school, and she was devastated. She thinks you're too smart to quit school because you were taking college classes... she wants you to have a conference with her so that you guys can work something out. She said she can understand people who drop out because they're having trouble, but she can't understand why someone like you would drop out."

So, being smart means I can't quit? Apparently, if I were a dumbass, I could easily drop out but because I was getting all As and taking college classes that means I get harassed by the school. That pisses me off.. and made me make a suggestion to Amanda:

"I should've went back to school and started having "troubles". You know, like, writing DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU for essays, and refusing to do anything in gym. That might've been funny for the lulz."

She suggested that I go back and do just that, but I told her it was too late because that would mean I would have to start making up hours. Anyway, I've made up my mind.

Important

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I quit high school.. a lot of reasons, mainly being because I don't feel it's necessary if I don't plan to "shoot high" and go to college like most others. There's been a lot of drama about it but now my dad knows (he was really nice), my gramma knows (she was extremely mean and "disappointed"), assuming my mom will know soon, and my brother knows. Not to mention my friends of course.

It's kind of funny.. I just said in a passing way, "I'm thinking about quitting school." to a couple of my friends the day before I started going back. A conversation like this was held with someone I consider to be my "friend" sorta.

me: "I'm thinking about quitting high school."
him: "Why? You only have a year left."
me: "Lots of stress, I don't think I'm learning anything, waste of time. Not like you'd miss me anywho."
him: "Not really."
me: "Haha, didn't think so.."
him: "Well, if we never see you again, we know why."

I thought it was pretty humorous, this is the right way to be humorous. Telling me "well congrats on ALMOST finishing highschool!" in a joking yet condescending way is not the way to get on my high list (this quote from Steve, whom realized it upset me and apologized).

Anyway, I've stopped going. It feels great not to be dreading having to go back to school, it feels great to not have to do something (though dad says we need to definitely start learning how to drive so I can get my GED and get a job). I think this is the right decision at this point in my life.

A funny thing that happened today to get us off the subject-- Amanda and I went to Dairy Queen and we went to the window, annoyed that the lady was talking some other guy up instead of serving us.. until we listened to the conversation, in which we were trying not to laugh the whole time.

"Service" old lady: "Yeah, haha."
Weird guy: "It's so nice to just be able to talk to people here. In Boston, they either shun ya' or shoot ya'. Hahaha."
SOL: "Really?"
WG: "Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty intense. People around here are still getting used to it."

By now, I'm avoiding looking at Amanda or I'll burst out laughing, seeing that she is smirking and trying not to laugh. We avoid looking at each other before the creepy guy says his goodbye and leaves, and we order. As soon as we get back to the car with our stuff, we BURST OUT laughing, because it was just so weird and funny.

& I played Gears today.. it was actually an interesting and fun experience for once. Maybe I just needed a break from it for awhile. I promised Max I'd help him with Insane so that's my main to-do tomorrow. Yar. -yawns- SLEEP time for me~ No sleep for 24 hours gets to me~

(PS: I think "tired" does not cut it for the mood, just amplify that times over 9000)

Writing Prompts

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to start using writing prompts again because I fail hardcore at updating if I don't. I'm using the prompts from the first page I got from googling: this one. I'll try to update daily, which should last me awhile. I refuse to do stupid ones though, like "WHAT IF THE COWS GAVE ROOTBEER INSTEAD LULS."

First prompt: "What is something you dislike about yourself?"

The #1 thing would have to be my lack of friends and the REASON I lack friends. I know perfectly well why I lack friends, I've attempted to change it, and I can't. This is just the way I am. (I started thinking about this when I was talking to Matt about it the other day.)

The only reason I lack friends is the plain and simple fact that I am bipolar. If all you out there in LJ land don't know what bipolar is I suggest you read the Wikipedia article but here's the condensed version: people who are bipolar go through "stages" of moods. I'll paraphrase.

Stage I: "Depressive phase" (aka "Bad Days"): Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, shyness, chronic pain (with or without a known cause)*, lack of motivation

* most of the time the chronic pain is in my stomach, I'll feel weak to my stomach for no apparent reason

Stage II: "Mania" (aka "Really Good Days"): Rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, increased interest in goal-directed activities, more severe version of Stage III

Stage III: "Hypomania" (aka "Good Days"): An uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny, 'artistic' state, flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, obsessional behavior, ability to improvise easily on the spot, increase in subconscious movement*, excessive sexual activity, increased self-esteem, being more talkative than usual or feeling pressure from within the thought process to keep talking (i.e., cannot stop until the story is done)

* usually biting my nails

Stage IV: "Mixed State" (aka "Really Bad Days"): A condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously. Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted.

When I'm in a Stage VI mood, I will snap at people randomly, feel guilty later, cry randomly, snap again, have hot flashes because of random anxiety, etc. That's just the way I am and hell if I'll take medication to stop it. Also, if you're curious, today is a Stage III for me. Yesterday was Stage II.

Why the point of this? To explain why I don't have friends, naturally: when someone catches me in a bad mood, I go OFF on them. Normally what happens...

1) I get pissed off because of some small little minuscule thing that others wouldn't even notice.
2) Go off on my current target. It may not have been who caused it, most likely it's one of my really good friends, usually I bitch about it to them but occasionally my "target" is a friend that I don't really consider to be really a good friend, but because they caused the problem I go off on them.
3) Anger lasts 10 minutes, but in those 10 minutes I say something EXTREMELY stupid. Because I'm prideful I refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that I did anything wrong.
4) Somewhat-good-friend either takes this and understands how I am (becoming a good friend) or stops talking to me so often, and stops being my friend.

Believe it or not, 96% of people land in the last group, the people who know I'll do it again and prefer not to be stressed out by my bitchiness. The only two people that I know who have really been able to "accept" that I do this is Matt and Amanda. Dale is not one of those people because whenever I get angry I deliberately direct it away from him, because I'm afraid that if I do that too often he'll stop liking me.

The people who are my really good friends have learned that I do this and can get past it anyway. And I'm glad that they can, because this is my major flaw and what keeps people away from me. That and the fact that I'm a "loner"-- I genuinely prefer my own company and rarely talk to anyone (usually it's others talking to me, and usually it's unwelcome, at least at school).

Matt said the reason he doesn't mind it is because he knows I'm not that way all the time, and that I can be awesome when I'm not angry or sad. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..

[edit] My brother just got a leopard gecko and sent me a frantic message to help him on xbox because he thinks his gecko is sick. I gave him all the tips I could and he's still worried, and it makes me really heartsick and almost makes me wanna cry because he's so worried about it. He even has a little coconut for the gecko to go in when he has to shed. He's been really considering hard a gecko and researched it, and I am going to be really pissed/sad if the gecko is sick. I'll probably cry, hell, I almost am right now.

Annoyances + Thankfulness

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Annoyance #1: Dad awakens. Tells me he has to make a doctor's appointment for me, "just to check up". I am up in arms about the idea, screaming in a doctorphobia that there's "nothing wrong with me and I don't need a checkup". I tell him it's a waste of time and money, and he says it doesn't cost anything. I then complain that I'm afraid of the doctor and there's no reason to put me through something I loathe for no apparent reason. He understands.
Annoyance #2: Get on Computer, get on Skype to realize Dale has been on for awhile and he's just been playing Maple so he wasn't on AIM. That annoyed me because I wouldn't've gone and played Gears if I would've known he was online but it doesn't matter anyway because he went to go play Maple when I was online.
Annoyance #3: Finished a kickass graphic only to realize it doesn't work with my journal. Only have small despair because I didn't feel like color coding the CSS anyway. I'll try to find a layout that works with it later...
Annoyance #4: Another subbing group subbed Onna ni Sachi Are without karaoke within a day. This makes me mad because 1) they normally sub ANIME, 2) they suddenly decided they want to sub PVs, 3) they're taking away people that would normally download our releases. But whatevs. It's a really good song.. so whoever wants to sub it can. And may the best subbing group win.
Annoyance #5: If you know me at all, from 12+yrs I lived with my dad. That means, I went through puberty and such when I was with him. I never learned ANYTHING from him. I had to learn everything myself, including shaving my legs. Without saying much I guess everyone will know I'm pretty pisspoor at it. I did an especially horrid time tonight.
Annoyance #6: At first, Steve tried to say they can "only take Danny and me, or just me, not all three of us". For some reason, Tim changed his mind at the last minute. I know that will mean less going out to eat and shopping and stuff but I don't really care: it was fucked up that they wanted to take Danny and not Caleb, and I felt really really really sorry for him. I was so ecstatic when they said they'd take Caleb too.

Thankfulness #1: Video-thief-person's video taken from youtube! Then again, so was mine because AVEX are nazis, and I don't really feel like losing 300 favorites again so I'm trying not to hit "strike three".
Thankfulness #2: . It's such an interesting community and fun to read. It's like the best-of-craigslist only it's updated frequently every day.
Thankfulness #3: Japanese message boards which translate things. 'Cept for the fact that someone insulted me there.. o__o People are weird.
Thankfulness #4: Matt and Amanda who continue to be really good friends, Dale who continues to be a great boyfriend. I want to thank them so much for that.
Thankfulness #5: Onna ni Sachi Are is a great single, reaffirming my faith in the religion that is Tsunkuism. *prays* If he keeps putting out great singles I might have to buy one one of these days!
Thankfulness #6: Mostly everything is going great in my life right now..

I have nothing *truly* to complain about. And for that, I am blessed (by whom, I wonder, considering I'm an atheist?.. maybe Tsunku).

Oh..

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Dear dad,

I didn't realize leaving a practically full bag of a snack laying on the table meant that it was open season on it and that it would be eaten, in full, by you.
I'll remember to fucking hide my snack next time, even though that's BS and I shouldn't have to.

PS: You can explain to Amanda your rule... then she'll know why I ate the rest of her's, though her's only had a little left.

Proper Entry

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Birthday
My birthday was kind of low key. I got a few very 'expensive' things. I got Clock Tower II for $20 on ebay (the first auction I've won!). I bought the Clock Tower II and Clock Tower 3 guides from someone on LiveJournal for $25. The Command & Conquer was bought for $40 on ebay. The Camera + Year of Live pack was from my dad, and he claims that's all I'm getting (which will probably be the cheapest birthday gift of all-- usually I get $150 from him but the pack was $80-- I'm not complaining though because he got me a 360 for no apparent reason). The shoes were $60 and were partially from Steve and partially from my Gramma. I want to thank all those people from the bottom of my heart because it's made my birthday a lot better. Also I got a cheesecake from my dad, unfortunately I didn't get a picture of that before it got ate but it was really great.. And I still have Ayumi Hamasaki's album "Duty" and single "A" coming in.

My gramma thinks Danny's in love with me
My gramma took me aside and told me that Danny was "staring at me like he loved me" and "being really cute to me" and etc. She said I should give him a chance. I told her no way. I already have someone, which I will talk about later. Upon telling her that my significant other lives 3 hours away, she said "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" which basically means I should go out with Danny just because he happens to be here. I thought that was ridiculous. The next day she said she took back what she said-- she says a really good friend is not worth jeopardizing. I couldn't agree more.

Amanda
Amanda is just.. Amanda. She kind of accidentally broke my Guitar Hero II, but she's going to replace it so I'm completely over it. If Amanda wasn't Amanda then I wouldn't like her so much. We were in a semi-argument but she broke it by sending me a birthday card and everything was great again. :]

Danny..lives at my house now?
Danny has been living at my house for the past two weeks. I certainly don't have a problem with it, it's fun to have someone to talk to, too. He has his own name on my xbox and plays occasionally but he plays the PS2 more often anyway. That brings me to my next category I suppose.

Gears of War
Gears has been.. hectic lately. Maybe I should separate this into different categories.

Hosting: Hosting has been.. different. I've been kicking people so much that my reputation went from 5 stars to 4, and I've gotten really quick with it. I've been kicking those who active reload with the sniper because I think it's cheap. People seem to hate me for it, and it seems that drama gets easily started up over it.

Drama: So much drama has gone on. I've lost most of my friends list because of my fault or their fault.

Dale was complaining about Moaozis complaining and when I bitched at Moaozis he dared call me a bitch. He was muted and hasn't been in my games since.
Rurak was muted because he was annoying when high but I unmuted him the next day. He's probably one of my favorite Gears friends and him writing "unmute me" on the ground with the lancer was just too awesome.
Manng was muted for a day because when my xbox froze he went to host his own game. It really pissed me off at the time but now I'm just like whatevs. Haha.
Poem got muted for shouting "OMGZ HOST!" and hasn't been unmuted yet. He was really sarcastic about it and he was one of the people that was talking behind my back about me, so he can go fuck himself.
Jesus has been muted for quite some time but I also hear that he's talking about me behind my back so whatever slim chance he had of being unmuted is now gone.

Dale
Yes, he warrants an entire category for himself. Why? Because he's the closest person to me right now (and always will be), not to mention he's my boyfriend in every meaning of the word. It's been kept fairly low key though because I think he's afraid of people giving him a hard time about the long distance relationship thing (though I wouldn't consider a few hours away to be exactly long distance). I've been trying really hard to convince him to get a cam and he said he would as soon as he got a ride to to the store. Unfortunately there have been a lot of things that have prevented him from getting one thus far but that's okay, I'm patient. Rurak went onto Dale's team to say something along the lines of "Dood, I think Amber likes you!!" a few days ago and he told me that.. we both laughed, because we've had a thing for awhile I guess. My entire life right now revolves around him, from getting up to falling asleep-- and I think his life is revolved around me too. And I have absolutely no problem with that.

Anyway, it's been a long freakin' few weeks as you can tell. If you have any more questions about these things, just ask me. If you're reading this it's most likely that you know how to contact me. :]

On The Weekend

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I went over to Gramma's on Thursday because Steve was over there and I hadn't seen gramma in awhile. I told Dale in AIM that I wouldn't be back until Friday, but he seemed to ignore that and still ask Amanda where I was. That's okay though, because apparently I said I'll probably be back on Friday and he took that as I went over to Amanda's or something. I must've neglected to say I was going to my gramma's. Oops.

Anyway, when I went over to my Gramma's, she told me not to bother to take a shower and to hurry up because we were gonna go to Pirates of the Caribbean 3. But I hurried up and got back and it seems as if she didn't wanna go at that time. I setup my xbox 360 downstairs and went upstairs. She bought a SNES and like 40 games, so I looked through them and found one I liked: Tetris. I played Tetris for what seems like ages while waiting for Steve to get back. He had gone to my aunt's to help put something on the roof, some sort of white material. He slipped and fell in it and got it all over him, and after that he quit and came home. Following that we played a few Guitar Hero II songs along with Zach and then we went to POTC:3. Zach threw a fit in the theater and said he would rather play video games, but Roger forced him to come along anyway. Apparently there was something after the credits but it was retarded anyway, so I felt like I wasted 10 minutes watching the credits. Oh well. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.

The next day, I was woken up by Zach's pet rabbit in my face licking it. Zach brought his pet rabbit (actually, the school's pet rabbit) home for the summer and was basically abusing it. Everyone felt sorry for it. Anyway I was woken up by it, and bribed Zach to leave me alone by telling him he could play Guitar Hero II. I got up anyway and went upstairs to do basically nothing. I kept playing Steve at Tetris but he couldn't seem to beat my score (because I'm awesome at it). Later that day, we went out to eat with two lesbians o_o. I couldn't tell they were lesbians until it dawned on me when one of them said they played football. I was like, "Oooh...". But the place we ate at was pretty fancy, and I had steak, but I felt like a jackass asking for steak sauce. The bathrooms were weird, they had saloon like doors and I didn't feel like I was covered when I was using it. After that we went home and played a little Monopoly, in which Steve was probably the funniest guy in the world, nearly giving my gramma a heart attack from laughing so hard. My gramma asked me if I wanted to go to Wisconsin Dells for a week, or have $100, and I decided that I'd rather have $100 so she put it in my paypal account. I felt like a jackass there too because she probably wanted us all to have a trip before she died or something, but I still would rather have $100. We also watched some 80s music videos and gramma told us a funny story. She said that she thought she knew that song "Take on Me" when my mom was younger, and so she belted out loudly "COMEEE ON MEEE!" and my mom was like "WHAT ARE YOU SINGING!?". Gramma specifically told me not to write about it in my blog. That's why I am. Heeee.

The next day, I was woken up by Roger saying my dad had "something important to tell me about" and I freaked out, naturally thinking he was sick or hurt or something. I called him back and he said he didn't say anything like that, so I got pissed off at Roger for lying to me to get up. Gramma said I was the one who got up the quickest but that's because I thought my damn dad was hurt, which is an evil and mean way to get someone up. Anyway we ate breakfast and then I came home after that. That's basically all that happened.

When I came back, there was Mad Magazine on my seat and a lot of stuff on my computer, like some genki beam stuff in my email and I had to play Ragnarok with Dale so I had too much to do and was overwhelmed at first. That's what I get for leaving those things alone for like, 2 days.. -___-;

Another school year over...

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

And yet another school year comes to an end this Thursday. It will be the end of my laziest and easiest year in school, and come next September it will be one of my most difficult. I hate change, and by this time next year, I will have to have..

a driver's license.
a job.
30 hours of community service logged.
gym class finished.
class dues paid.
gone to prom, maybe.
bought graduation things, including senior pictures.
gotten ready to get on my feet as an adult.

I had a talk with my dad today. He was wondering who I talked to on Xbox and on the computer so often, and when he found out that it wasn't Amanda he wondered how much they knew about me. But I'm going to be an adult soon. Anything can happen when I'm out on my own, and I don't intend to stay here much longer after I turn eighteen. He obviously wants me to stay a child forever, but soon I will have my own house and be self-supportive. After I mentioned this he said he would always be paranoid about me. I asked him why he wasn't paranoid about Steve and he said it was because Steve was a guy. That pissed me off. I can probably fend for myself better than Steve! He then said he knew there were freaks out there who pray on guys too, but he said he's just "worried about me".

It makes me think he doesn't trust me. I know what I'm doing and I'm mature enough to handle myself. I wish he would give me more credit, especially as I am going into adulthood and my senior year of high school.

Stress

Thu, 31 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Today was very very stressful and tiring to me.

Early this morning around 2 am I left because Dale and Amanda were annoying the hell out of me and upsetting me for laughing at me about lag. LAG! So I just said I was leaving, and left. Apparently Dale was only able to sleep a few hours because of it and I felt really bad, and we'd both put it behind us.

Then I decide I'm going to make up my hour that I owe after school. When I had to make up an hour, I only ended up making up forty minutes and she let us go early. Huzzah.

Almost immediately after that, I got called by my friends to go out for ice cream-- "my treat" said Lydia. We went to Dairy Queen; I got some chocolate strawberry thing that I didn't really like too much but it was good nonetheless. Afterwards we came back to my house and played a little Guitar Hero II and Gears of War before they had to leave. (See pictures at the end of the entry)

That's what got me started on Gears. Today was different than other days, on normal days I would neglect to get on Gears and just go right to Ragnarok Online. But today, I was on Gears: Dale said he had a friend coming over anyway and I wanted to play with them because I'd feel lonely if I was playing RO by myself. Okay, that was fine for a little while.

Until people started getting bitchy.

People were being generally jerk offs. And then Shep mutes me for no apparent reason, along with Valentine and "all the other 'only's except Moaozis, Dale, David, and Sam". What the fuck? Well, I muted him, blocked communications, removed him from my friends list and he's no longer allowed in my games. Fuck that. I don't really give second chances.

And then to top it all off Mom got all drunk and started calling about child support again. I'm not going into it, but the good part is Steve will be visiting Gramma's soon and will bring along Guitar Hero II controller so perhaps we can get some achievements together. Blahhh. (I also spoiled myself by buying Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for the Xbox 360 arcade. I'm planning on playing it with Steve tomorrow-- he said he wasn't getting back online because of the drama, and I don't blame him.)

All in all, the day wasn't "good" or "bad". It was just "tiring". Thus, after I'm done uploading this pictures I shall sleep.

Fuckers.

(the pictures are all around ~1.5.mb and 1000px wide, make sure your computer can handle it)

This [Long] Weekend

Tue, 29 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Friday: I skipped school and Danny came over. Amanda came over on Friday night.. we played Gears and such. We also played Guitar Hero II... we had a Guitar Hero II tournament. I'll post the rankings in a moment.

Saturday: We went over to Danny's early in the morning to go to his birthday party. He is turning sixteen on Tuesday.. They had ice cream cake, and it was good. We had to help some ghetto people push their broken car down the road. Danny's dad talked to me a lot about guitars and stuff but I wasn't really listening all that much. We talked about politics while Danny and his friends hung out on the bedroom dancing and shit. I was bored of that..

Sunday: Since Caleb (danny's brother) came over Saturday night, we played a little Gears early Sunday morning (around 1 am). Then we played Guitar Hero II. Caleb went home and Amanda did too but Danny stayed over again on Monday. I felt kind of bad because..

Monday: Neglected to really pay attention to Danny and played Ragnarok Online with Dale and Amanda a lot. I felt bad because of it but that's okay.. I guess.

Also, I only have to make up one hour after school.

I haven't played Gears in a few days. That's a record.

That's all.

Skipped school

Fri, 25 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I skipped the stupid activity day today, which simply means that I will have to be making up hours after school, though I'm not sure how much. It may be 1, it may be 3. I'm not sure.. I think it was a wise decision: I'd rather be reading after school for a few hours than doing shit for no good reason a full 8 hours. But some people may disagree. I'm not sure.

Dale's gonna be going to his dad's this weekend, so I probably won't be eager to play Gears of War too much. I don't know what I'll do. I may have Danny and Amanda come over, I may go somewhere else. I haven't decided.

A lot to touch on.

Wed, 16 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Venture to Amanda's new house

I went to Amanda's house yesterday (or was it the day before?) and exhausted myself a little. Her computer is really running nicely and I can't say I'm not jealous. I'm also trying to join the card game Genki Beam so I have something to do when I'm bored. I want Amanda to make me a layout for it, considering she made a really cool one for herself, I want her to use that code to make me one too. Whether she will or not, time will tell...

Tsuji is replaced in Gyaruru

Apparently Abe Asami (Abe Natsumi's sister) is replacing Tsuji in Gyaruru. I can't say I'm disappointed: I like her and I think she's cute, but I definitely would've preferred Tsuji.

Changed Xbox username

Some big news: yesterday I changed my name from heartkill to TheOnlyAmber (echoing TheOnlyDale, TheOnlySam, TheOnlyDavid, TheOnlySheep, etc.) Rurak also changed his name from x3 RuRaK to TheOnlyRuRaK and richardkills claims he'll change his name to TheOnlyDick (the best one out of them all!) But because of this, my online stuff broke and I will have to resign up sometime.. I'm too lazy to now.

Boasting on Guitar Hero II + achievement points

I finally finished all the songs on Medium on Guitar Hero II with 5 stars. That, and getting another achievement, boosted me up to +1000 achievement points, finally. It's great to be in quadruple digits.

Bedtime

I've also been going to bed way earlier which may have something to do with my dad being home this week to make sure I'm not going to bed too late.. I've been getting really tired around 11:30pm or so, and I feel kinda bad because Dale always is disappointed (yet that makes me feel wanted!).

School

Also, I finished "To Kill a Mockingbird" (which ended up being a good book) and my Econ study guide (2 weeks early) so I won't have much to do in school. There will be a Battle of the Bands also this Saturday but since Xbox.com says there's a "sunrise-to-sunset Gears of War-a-thon" I might do that instead. I haven't decided... Also I had to sign up for College Accounting, a class I took just to fill the semester, because it was being run by LMC. All this school stuff is a little confusing but at least there will be an "activity day" on the 25th (probably because the following Monday is Memorial Day which we get off). I will kick ass at DDR and GHII. :D

My Dad is Wise (and update on broken xbox

Sun, 13 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

My dad is wise. When I told him about David, he said "Love is a strong word, it isn't one that you should just be throwing around.." and he was right.

Too bad David didn't have a father like I do. David decided that since I was giving him attention that he'd go out with me. Apparently I'm the "first girl that gave him attention and he jumped the shark" on the relationship. Needless to say, today he broke up with me. I'll admit, I was upset at first, only to realize that I didn't really care about a half hour later. Why? There will always be others. I'm not talking to David again, I'd rather I forgot that embarrassing part of my life (I told my FAMILY for Godssakes, naturally I was pretty serious about him!).

I kept bitching at him and he kept telling me not to hurt his feelings, but he hurt mine and I wanted to hurt his back. Call me childish, but that's the way I felt. We aren't talking again. I will leave any matches that we both happen to join, and have blocked most forms of communications-- I'm not the type of person who can just "forget it and move on".

Anyway, about the Xbox 360. We went to Best Buy to exchange it under the Best Buy 30-day guarantee, and it worked pretty fine. We dealt with some idiots, but what do you expect? It's Best Buy. The most trouble we had was I forgot Gears of War at Amanda's house and had to go get it.. then I showed it to him on the monitor. He's pretty foolish, he didn't even know how to turn on the controller.. then again, someone in front of us told us that they were turning theirs in because the "controller wouldn't be recognized by the XBox 360". Amanda's wouldn't be recognized on mine either, that's why we had to learn how to reassign controllers to different Xbox 360's. . . apparently that guy just got a new 360 for his lack of knowledge. Haha..

Also, something funny: they told Dad to wait in another line.. and then they told him to go back to the line he was in before. He got so pissed that he didn't go AROUND the belt-pole-barrier thing, he ripped it out and walked right through it when it went flinging at the dumb customers. Lmao.. The person who was exchanging our Xbox (the dumbass thought that we were returning it-- why would we return it and buy a new one?) looked at the customers it flung at and said "Are you okay, did it hit you?" And one of the guys said sarcastically/in a funny manner "It hurt me :(". It was pretty hilarious, so it was hard trying not to laugh.

I have to redownload everything but it looks like I'm not going to have to buy them again. I'm thankful.. I'm also thankful my dad comforted me when he came home and I was crying over David, and I'm glad that he took me to the store and put up with the idiots for me. Although this is Mother's Day, I really think that dad should get more recognition as a great father.

an update for the weekend

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 11:00:00 -0600

OK, so here’s my weekend! Well, how it went, anyway.

At the beginning of the weekend, on Saturday (before Amanda came over), Steve, Danny, Caleb, and I were all playing Mario Party 5. It was all good and dandy, even after Amanda came over. Until Steve got his attitude about losing. It seemed he got mad because I kept winning all the mini games, but he obviously was just pretending to be mad so he could quit and jump onto the computer.

My full day in detail

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 12:00:00 -0500

First Hour - It's a friday which makes me happy. I had a dream about amanda sending me a ffx yuna wallpaper.. O_o; I have a test in this social studies geography history whatever the fuck this class is, in spanish, and that 'advanced' pack for computers. I'm so gonna fail this test.

Second Hour - I failed the eyetest that they pulled us out of class for. Wee.

Fourth Hour - Geometry was FUN!? Wtf? We did jeapordy.. that's spelled wrong. But I was really good at certain types of questions.. so like. Yeah. Time to fail this science class thing test! (How many tests have I failed today? 1st hr, eye test, 2nd hour, this hour.. no more tests after this, though).

Later fourth hour - Volk marked me down for 'writing' on his test. As if I wasn't already going to fail. I will now make it my life's goal to 'write' on all his tests. The ass. He was like, "I take points off for people who write on my tests", and I said "like i care." Cause it's true-- a failing grade is a failing grade.

Fifth hour - I'm doing misc things like checking old emails and stuff and deleting unneeded things off of RE. There's a sub in this class and she seems like a REAL bitch. I'm gonna update my blog or something.

Sixth hour - Wow, we're watching Michael Jackson videos since there's a pep rally at the end of the day. This guy cracks me up. I keep thinking of funny things to write and then I keep forgetting about them. Fuck. Well. Time for pep rally.

...

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

Why the HELL am I up at 5 AM on a Monday writing a story with Amanda?

HA!

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

I just proved that Amanda doesn't REALLY like j-rock/visual kei. I showed her the "jealous" video for Dir en Grey which is almost 7 minutes long and she sat through 2 minutes and then got so bored (or disgusted) and left. So that's what she gets for getting into an obsession without thinking.

Our night has been fun so far, though...

She came over when dad wasn't home, but I already got permission from him. It started out really fun-- we hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks so we had missed each other. The fun wore off about an hour in or so . . Shrug. We DID play the personality profiler thing I have. It was fun to see our "personality profiles". But now she's playing Spiderman 2 without a memory card, what a waste of time. =__=;

Other than that, I made a subpage on my domain just to link to this blog. How nice am I? Click. It's just an enter page to this one, but whatever. XD

rpin

Thu, 25 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 10:25 pm.
rpin wit jessica n amanda roite now

Time: 9:50 pm.
help.....boredism.
plus my dad is mad at me. man..

Time: 9:02 pm.
Quiz Results: I am 57% Internet Addict

I am pretty addicted, but there is hope. I think I'm just well connected to the internet and technology, but it's really a start of a drug-like addiction. I must act now! Unplug this computer!

Time: 8:54 pm.
Taking icon requests. request one now. wwhhheeee.
oh yeah i'm supposed to be shutting up. ^_^

Time: 8:53 pm.
I talk too much! Someone shut me up! Quick like!

Time: 8:49 pm.
BORED BORED BORED
someone IM me at lynnmaxwell @ aol.com
or email me.

Time: 8:36 pm.
uuugh just kill me.
now.