Blog on needing.space

new volunteer position!!!

Wed, 14 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

so on Tuesday (yesterday), i had orientation at the new hospital i'm working at. i stopped by the gift shop for a drink. i had already been thinking about volunteering at the hospital - they have an organization called Sunshine Guild and i really wanted to volunteer but i didn't know who to go to about more information. they were supposed to show us the gift shop and volunteer opportunities during orientation day but sadly it was closed for the day bc orientation ran so late!

chaos

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

today was so chaotic

2 hours of sleep
wake up at 7:30am
40min drive to New workplace
piss test number 1 at new workplace/pre employment
inform employer im on a stimulant for ADHD that might come back positive, they say they don’t care
pre employment paperwork
blood work to prove I had childhood vaccinations for work, had to take from both arms
drive back home 40min
fight with removing old visor and installing new one in car, an especially difficult task
find that my BFF and Elias both had late gifts for me that came in - cute purse and loose legos
put external hard drive files to transfer to server
drive Elias & I to new psych - 1hr10min
do more new hire paperwork from phone including background check stuff, put in my GED and not my college
drive to Walmart to buy a small desk at Walmart for the computer in living room (only about 5min)
hurry and drive back for my own appointment
piss test number 2 (yes probably first and last piss test combo during one day for different people) because psych/stimulants
talk to doctor
go out for kaitenzushi sushi to relax and celebrate job - 1.5hr drive
realize that background check probably wanted my college even though job only requires/asks for GED, just so it matches my resume on file
look at transcript, realize my moronic old college fucked up my transfer and background check will likely come back as degree unearned
send a text to HR giving them a heads up/explaining situation
spend the rest of night being anxious about it
go to claw machine only arcade
win a kuromi plushie
drive back home, 2hr drive
surprisingly got home in one piece despite multiple people trying to cause crashes likely because it’s the night before New Year’s Eve
the download/transfer didn’t work because it paused on transferring… a virus? for some reason I backed up quarantined viruses from 2016 on my external I need to delete them hahaha
still dwelling on anxiety, put together desk for distraction
realize I got an email an hour after the first email, saying I had passed background check… less anxious but still somewhat anxious
look up rules on how to fix it and get my degree awarded/sent
update brother and friends podcast website
work on transcribing some old journals
realize I have therapy tomorrow, worlds largest sigh
veg out in front of TV until 2:30am

and yes that means I drove almost 6 hours today

Mastodon integration

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i MAYBE finally got mastodon integration working on my blog. I spent a few hours today transferring over everything from Pagecord, which was actually somehow both easier and harder than what I thought it would be… this post is primarily to see if I got the integration working and if it will actually crosspost. I know the layout on the blog is kinda ugly at the moment colors-wise, but I can’t be bothered to make the HTML all pretty right now when I spent so long just trying to get all the posts transferred. I just need to keep a Markdown archive of all the posts. Turns out transferring over like 25 years of posts takes slightly more effort than what I thought it would. I started collecting all my old blogs from all over the internet several months ago and still haven’t managed to collect them all… but I really just want there to be one (1) source of truth, and I’m hoping I can stick to the new blog I have at kawaii.place. but I will temper my expectations as I tend to be a blog hopper in general. ugh.

mostly just tired

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Hi all. I find myself mostly just tired lately. It’s hard to explain how fatigue inducing TMS has been for me. Really, it’s been the biggest negative side effect, which is hard to push through when there have been virtually no positive effects just yet. It’s three hours round trip every single day for six weeks (200 miles round trip), and I’ll tell you what… I would not be doing this unless I had absolutely no other alternative. Because right now, it is so exhausting. But what is the alternative? Not getting better?

not forgotten about this

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

hey all. I have definitely not forgotten about this blog. My life has just been considerably full of stress the past few weeks. I have some major health stuff going on. Mostly major depression which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s essentially an emergency level. I am going to go through TMS and Spravato soon, which is going to put further stress on our financial situation, which already isn’t ideal. Sigh… I don’t even have the spoons to get into what all is going down with the family situation, either. I will do a proper update soon, hopefully.

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

Thu, 17 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

this journal

there's no way I'm ever going to get this journal completely done if i keep uncovering old blogs and journals. I don't really think i realized exactly how prolific I am. I'm all over the damn internet. i just found an old random alt deviantart account i had that has a bunch of journals still available on there. help...the admin at pagecord, olly, was kind enough to help me import all the dreamwidth entries though at least (whew.) and then wrote a really nice blog entry about it :) thank you olly! customer for life right here.

i may or may not (definitely did) write a reddit post over on /r/digitaljournaling suggesting that people check out pagecord as well. I just randomly stumbled upon it; I believe that the admin of hey.com wrote an article about it…? I already forget. the search engine kagi is really good about unearthing more underground articles like that. i’m about to quit my job in a few weeks, and i told e that i refuse to stop paying for kagi haha. that’s one of those necessary subscriptions for me. google is just such a shithole at this point for so many reasons.

I'm only writing this to check off the Habitica task

Mon, 15 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

This weekend was pretty nice. My friend Kendrick came over to help us out with yard work. Of course, he tried to ask for way less money than he actually deserved, so we gave him more than that. I was out there hauling the wood with him and talking with him for several hours. I told him that we wanted to go fishing with him and his wife, and he told his wife, and they both got super excited. They were especially excited that I had never been fishing before.

I was going to go to Deaf Night Out, but after talking to Kendrick for four hours, my social battery was drained. He is a very nice person, but he is one of those people that just talks for four hours straight. I love hearing about his life, stories, etc, but I didn't have much energy to go drive 2 hours, meet new people, then drive 2 hours back. Especially since Deaf social events tend to be fairly lengthy.

Kendrick did put up a fence for us though, so we can finally just let the dogs out without needing to have them on leashes. It's been about eight months of us only leash walking them in the backyard, so it was super refreshing to be able to just let them run around-- for us AND the dogs. They didn't really like being confined to being chained to us, and they're allowed to roam around more when they're just out in the backyard. Elias and I pulled the outdoor chairs out of the closet and just sat outside for a while. It's actually a decent temperature right now, but since we live in Texas, it's a very short window of decent weather. I'm trying to be outside as much as possible because of that. Every time I let the dogs out, I pull the chair back outside and sit down and watch them.

Other than that, we didn't really do much this weekend. Elias has gotten very heavily addicted to Diablo IV, which is good, because I've been very heavily addicted to Balatro. So we end up just spending a lot of time playing video games while sitting next to each other. It's still a form of spending time together, even though some people might not think so, ahaha.

As for my personal hobbies, still just mostly doing the pirating thing. Can't focus at work, so I usually end up getting distracted with that. I also started using Habitica which is somewhat helping keep me on task but isn't really powerful enough to handle my full ADHD brain. We also installed Debian, which is making a lot of the things we do easier and quicker. Whoever said Linux was more complicated than Windows hasn't actually used Linux, because you can just install things instantly from the command line, and there is mountains of FOSS software on here.

I have therapy tomorrow. I do not want to go to therapy tomorrow. Thinking about it is giving me a headache. Ah, well.

ETA: I fixed up the host's website [adoration.me](https://adoration.me) because it is extremely sloppy and tends to make typos everywhere. The Spotify link is also now working.

public blog?

Wed, 04 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

therapy went fine. going to have to deal with Sem Month, i wish that she still didn't have such an affect on me. ah well. my thearpist wants me to write about my experiences and it's hard for me to do if i don't feel like i have an audience. maybe make a public blog? i am not certain. hmm. i'll think on it.

Microblogs - January 2012

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:00:00 -0600

2012-01-30, 10:31 PM: fuck it, i'm deleting my plurk. anyone need my contact info?

2012-01-26, 6:56 AM: i think i'm finally ready to start rping on lj again. like everyone moved on though

2012-01-20, 12:19 PM: also i should update and say i'm moving out on my own this weekend.

2012-01-16, 2:30 PM: i feel like i'm in a really bad dream. i can't believe she's gone

2012-01-16, 1:33 PM: i wake up to "amanda might lose her job" thank you, work. i appreciate it.

2012-01-16, 2:41 AM: i guess i'm gonna try to sleep. fuck.

2012-01-16, 12:40 AM: well, my grandma passed. i guess the mourning can officially begin.

2012-01-13, 11:51 AM: My grandma is dying. I won't even be touching lj rp for a little while. Sorry. she was fine a week ago...

2012-01-04, 8:28 PM: hey i figured i'd invite everyone to my stream for once

2012-01-04, 11:36 PM: tumblr rp is gr8 ok guys. why do some ljers feel the need to snub it. i've met some really amazing rpers on there

Microblogs - October 2011

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 12:00:00 -0500

2011-10-31 11:34 PM: Now to sleep after my 2 hours of free time. Being an adult sucks and no one understands.

2011-10-31 6:03 AM: I'm eating a lunchables the morning before I start my first serious job. The kid in me likes Lunchables, and the adult in me likes my job! I am such a balanced individual.

2011-10-27 2:15 PM: Job said they'd work around my schedule (I would just come in early on Mondays and Wednesdays). The happiness I am feeling right now is amazing

2011-10-25 12:30 AM: The EOA5 flash was sweet, especially the part where they fix the tank.

2011-10-21 11:45 PM: something in the system glitched and i still have all my userpics from the paid account trial. They're still all useable too

2011-10-19 1:43 PM: Sorry I've been kind of inactive on plurk lately! I promise I read all of your plurks. I don't mark them all as read, I go through and read each one.

2011-10-19 12:52 AM: Something I subtitled has over 400,000 views. my heart is goin doki doki

2011-10-18 11:59 PM: i'm 12 and what is this

2011-10-17 7:59 PM: Proof That Tupac and Elvis Were In Cahoots - https:--www.youtube.com-watch?v=ZjGVGt8XYAQ

2011-10-15 12:37 AM: Ok my +24hour nosleepathon is over and I have woken up fully rested and "asshole Nate" as some people like to call it

2011-10-14 8:13 PM: i just fell asleep sitting up. i guess that's what happens when you literally dont sleep one day and just sorta stay up 24 hours. i was like perusing some site and i just fell asleep

2011-10-12 5:26 PM: Someone is sitting across from me IN PUBLIC, playing her laptop, with Bejewelled BLASTING. that really fucking necessary? You don't need to have your crappy ambient music and sound of jewels and magical fucking sprinklenoises cranked.

2011-10-12 3:03 PM: Just dropped $250 on clothes. I update my wardrobe about once a decade. NOW I FEEL SUPER GUILTY FOR BUYING STUFF.

2011-10-12 12:51 AM: 2 hours of sleep last night woot. Tumblr rp is too entertaining for its own good.

2011-10-11 8:51 PM: I feel like all my older friends are getting irritated at me for being a homestuck.

2011-10-11 1:29 AM: Sorry for being useless and whiny today. I'll try to keep my chin up.

2011-10-10 9:03 AM: new homestuck on the 25th...guess who's staying away from all social media until he's done watching?

2011-10-08 7:27 AM: I should really get on my homework tomorrow. :| There's all the pages in the world I need to read, and none of the time.

2011-10-07 7:25 PM: over 9000 tags to answer

2011-10-06 11:57 AM: I find it hard to believe that I frequent LJ now as often as I did a decade ago. I kind of find it hard to believe it's been a decade at all.

2011-10-03 8:17 PM: back from school

2011-10-03 3:09 PM: Thanks to everyone who took the time to cheer me up today. It really made a difference.

2011-10-03 12:52 AM: fuck yeah going to bed at a decent hour! night~ should be up and tagging around 10am my time

2011-10-02 7:04 PM: Food times

2011-10-02 4:24 PM: 70 pages of reading due tomorrow for one class and I haven't even started yet. Read ALL of the things??

2011-10-01 3:05 PM: 100 pages later... One part of my homework is done!

"Only You"

Thu, 28 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

"Only You" is MM's next single. I don't know what style it is, but judging from the outfit, it might be a ballad. There are other blog posts with images, too. As for what I want next in a MM single... well, a ballad would be nice. I wouldn't mind another cool type song, either.

I don't think the song is going to be Maji Desu Ka Ska style, judging by the outfits. But outfits have steered us wrong before. Remember the Aruiteru outfits? Those were about as least feel-good-ballad-y I could think. They seemed more like they were made for the b-side (Morning Curry).

LJ App for iPod Touch

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 11:00:00 -0600

So Uh. The livejournal app for iPod touch is pretty solid. I'm not sure why it has such poor reviews in the app store. I guess because it's like a basic note screen? I'll have to go read the reviews after this to see what people are complaining about.

Though knowing lj I'm surprised there aren't any ads on this.

Oh and just so this entry has a little substance: I finished my excel/access/word torture classes today. Now whether I passed or not... I don't know. The grading system is mysterious and since I have only seen the teacher's many teaching aids, I'm not entirely sure he even exists.

It's gonna suck going back to school though. Especially when my first class is with a horrible teacher that manages to make me hate something that, under normal circumstances, I love. :c

oh wow this is super late

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 11:00:00 -0600

I should check LJ more often. Still doing new years survey thingie. BECAUSE I WANT TO. JEEZ

2010

Name: Nathaniel
Screen name: vanillainfused/magneticdeath
Current location: Watervliet, Michigan
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Sign: Gemini [fuck yeah twins]

2010 In The Beginning......

Where did you ring in the New Year? Home
Who were you with? Think it was just me in 2010
Did you kiss anyone at midnight? ;_; no
Did you make any resolutions? No
If so did you keep them? lol

2010 Your Love Life....

Single/Taken? Taken~
How many relationships did you have? Just the one
How many break ups? None
How many people did you kiss? None

2010 Friends and Enemies......

Did you meet any new friends this year? Not really
Did any of your friendships end? They come and go
Did you dislike anyone? Yep
Did you get into any fights? Yeah
Did you make any new enemies? Dunno, probably not
Did you resolve any fights? Short-term ones
Who was your closest friend? Without a doubt it was/is Julie

2010....The Holidays!

Did you have a Valentine? See above question
Did the Easter bunny visit you? Dad is the easter bunny and he brings Easter chocolate cheer
Did watch fireworks on the 4th of July? No
Did you dress up for Halloween? Yeah, Hannibal. Lazy costume though, just the mask
What did you do for Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing
Did you receive what you wanted? Didn't really want much haha
Were you good this holiday season? I've been a very naughty boy~ (lol)

2010 Your BIRTHDAY!!!

How old did you turn? 20
Did you have a cake? No
What did you do for your birthday? Went out to eat
Did you have a party? No
Did you get any presents? Couple :D

2010......The Memories and Accomplishments!

Funniest Memory? I can't single one out...
Saddest Memory? Dunno if I've had something bad enough to say 'saddest'. Not like anyone died, right
Most Embarrassing Memory? I hardly get embarrassed anymore lol
Best Accomplishment? Beginning college (does that count), getting myself unafraid of driving, honors GPA

2010.....FAVORITES!

Favorite TV shows? The Office
Favorite songs? Master of Puppets by Metallica (same old same old)
Favorite bands? Metallica, anything H!P
Favorite food? Lasagna. 2010 was year of the lasagna. <3
Favorite stores? I don't shop that much
Favorite restaurants? Any really
Favorite piece of clothing? Bad ass t-shirts (vidya gaems, Metallica)

2010.....All about YOU....

Did you change at all this year? Yes
Did you dye your hair? Highlights
Did you get your hair cut? Yes (need a new one too)
Did you change your style? Yes
Were you in school? Yes
Did you have a job? For like two seconds
Did you drive? Yes!! And it's a huge accomplishment that I finally am not afraid anymore
Did you own a car? Yes, 1994 Mitsubishi Galant (Maroon)
Did you lose anyone this year? No
Did anyone close to you give birth? No
Did you move at all? No
Did you go on any vacations? Lol yeah right
Did you leave the country at all? No
Would you change anything about yourself now? Not really

2010.....Wrap Up.

Was 2010 a good year? Yes
Do you have any regrets? I think I did some stupid things, however, I don't regret because it's best to focus on the future rather than on the past
Did 2010 bring any new insights? Some...
Do you think 2011 will top 2010? Probably not, lol. Wake me up when 2012 rolls around~
Do you have any goals for 2011? Get an iPod touch (lol). Also cram as many classes as I can into each semester so I can get school done and over with
If you could relive any moment which would you choose? Don't really have a particular one
If you could forget any moment what would it be? Quite a few. Depression, arguments, etc.
Do you wish 2010 wouldn't end? No. Then I would *never* graduate
Do you plan to do anything special for NYE 2010? Oops. Didn't do anything anyway, lol

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
-College
-Bought *my own* car
-Moved out of my dad's (even though it only lasted like a month)
-Turned into not-a-teenager!
-Gambled at the casino
-Wore a binder
-Probably lots more, I just don't remember

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and no. I don't need the new year to have goals~

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
I'm going to have to ask your lazy ass to scroll up and read my previous answer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
lol u funny

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A dick. (Wishful thinking, yo)

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not a good 'dates' person

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Scroll up and read somewhere up there

9. What was your biggest failure?
Quitting my job. (but it led to college, so. not that bad)
Also being a jackass to Julie. Sorry bb

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My pool injury! Haha (a little cut i got playing pool). Nothing serious though

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my car. It's been the most useful at least.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Julie - Graduating HS and joining college
My dad - Got a job
Amanda - Switched her degree into something she will actually enjoy
Steve - Got a job (though he doesn't have one now)
There's probably more, just don't remember

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to list

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New MM members, getting lots of money in October 2010

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
4minute - HUH (the song Amanda was playing when 2010 ended)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened? happier- i'm actually doing something for my future (college)
ii. thinner or fatter? feel thinner, but in reality, the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably poorer because i'm actually in debt now. lol

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Having actual fun and not wasting time (but most of the time that requires money)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing. And studying (turns out I didn't need it)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I never really celebrate Christmas

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
You're like, 2 years late, survey

23. Any one-night stands?
Haha no

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office (again.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book you read?
Me, read books? u funnie

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Korean pop

28. What did you want and get?
Money lol

29. What did you want and not get?
flag in my arms hngggh

30. Favorite film of this year?
Saw too many to pick

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
20, went out to eat (already answered this too)

32. What kind of things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Lazy (as usual)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Koharu Kusumi, maybe. (you are missed from MM ;~;)

36. What political issues stirred you the most?
A bunch. Politics generally irritates me because people are stupid

37. Who do you miss?
Steve (actually seeing him rather than talking to him online)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet new people rly

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Sometimes you don't always know what you want, but everything will work out in the end

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
(lol)

semi-hiatus

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

if my lack of updates is any sort of indication, i’m on a semi-hiatus.

there’s just not a whole lot going on in my life that’s noteworthy, and even if there was, i never think to update my lj with it. i just tell someone about it and move on for the most part.

i’ll most likely still be reading all of your entries, only on more delayed basis and i sure as hell won’t be commenting as much as i used to.

Microblogs - August 2009

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-08-31 11:03 PM: september first. how time flies~

2009-08-31 9:52 PM: girls outside. screaming. what.

2009-08-31 5:20 PM: awake hurray (also, i need to make a list of things to buy in the future)

2009-08-31 5:47 AM: tired of being banned on lunchtimers for no good reason

2009-08-30 4:00 AM: creeped out when people on lj friends list give full detail on their sex lives

2009-08-28 10:24 AM: i wonder how people can find plurk to be 'addictive'

2009-08-25 8:45 PM: sick ;~;

2009-08-23 8:16 PM: should update more often whoops

2009-08-16 3:45 PM: god damn

2009-08-14 11:16 AM: noon, so that's bed time for me

2009-08-03 5:28 PM: happy birthday james hetfield!

some of my past

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Meeting Amanda

Back in 2002-2003, the internet was a younger place (and I was a younger person--12-13). Everyone had AOL, and I was no different. I had AOL 6.0 if I remember correctly, but eventually upgraded to 8.0. I couldn't really get into 9.0 or 10.0 like Amanda.

Amanda is my best friend whom I met in middle school. 7th grade. I was as much of a loner then as I am now, however, we had something in common. Or at least something that I could grasp straws too. She liked anime. The anime that comes on Adult Swim, of course, because we were both 13-year-olds and this is the age of dial-up, trying to download anime would take more time than working up the money to buy it. I remember very vividly how we started talking. I'd just moved to Watervliet, and one of the student council members named Kenny (very nice guy) introduced us. We wrote little notes back and forth to each other, and the first note Amanda wrote me went something like this:

"Hi! :D
Do you want to come over to my house today?"

It was, initially, a huge risk for me. As you may or may not know, the reason I was moved to Watervliet was because I moved in with my dad in 2002. I previously lived with my mom and her husband, both of which were abusive drunks who literally moved our school every year. I had built up a defense mechanism not to get too close. However, I decided to go out on a limb and go to her house.

Now, before she met me, she didn't have the internet. All she had was television. I kept raving to her how great computers are, and how she absolutely needs to get the internet so we can talk over IM. About a month later, she managed to convince her gramma to get a computer. Her gramma kept putting parental locks on it which I showed her how to circumvent, because I'm a little bastard.

But then were the days of KaZaA and dial up. Downloading a song took an hour and I remember waiting months to download a 4gb concert (A MUSEUM- I have since bought it). I also remember accidentally deleting an entire anime series that she was downloading, which must have taken at least a month. Yes, those were more innocent times.

Because of Amanda liking anime (I never really got into it), we frequented anime chatrooms together on AOL. Even before I met Amanda, I'd been rping. I learned about it because I was into HP in 2002 (shoot me, etc). There was a lot of HP RP on AOL in those days (there was even a private chat called hprp). So, I introduced her to rp as we know it today. She was hooked.

We eventually got very close with a few friends of ours. Particularly Leo (whom we called Inuyasha, because that was who he rped), Mercy, and Gin. Mercy and Gin were supposedly long distance lovers and one thing I can vividly remember about them is that they were boning on Amanda's birthday one year because they scheduled a flight to see each other. I wonder how they are today... I've talked to Inuyasha a few times since then, but nothing serious.

For the most part after that, I just hopped around chats where no one cared about who you were ooc. It felt more comfortable that way. It wasn't until late 2004 that I felt the need to come up with another e-persona. It was for a completely different reason this time. thundercake.com. Oh, thundercake.com. You're gone now (replaced by a dA account), but I remember you well.

I have been webdesigning since 2002- since I've been on the internet. In fact, Amanda showed me a crappy geocities website of hers that made me laugh, and I helped her learn a little bit how to design. The problem has always been finding someone who will host your site-- someone who will let you take their space to put up your own little space of the web. Now, way back when, there was pick-me.net. Today, it's still up, but it's not run by the same people. I like this system better, however, back then, there was a tagboard system. Someone tagged saying they were hosting or they needed a host, and people followed through to their site. This is how I found thundercake.com.

When I first encountered the site, it was using iframes and had a little vector cloud. I thought it was very creative, cute, and stuck out in the sea of huge-people-vexels-that-took-5-years-to-load (remember, this was still dial-up days).

I decided that I would be hosted by this person if it killed me. However, their rules stated "I'd like it if we had something in common". I looked down her list of interests. Fuck! We barely had anything in common-- she was a political activist and I was a kid who just wanted an internet host. The host's name was Li, and she was a bisexual extreme liberal.

Thus Bruce was born. How did I come up with my name? I remember very vividly that I turned around and asked Steve, "What's the gayest name you can think of, for a guy?" and he responded "Bruce". Then I needed an AIM name. Closest thing sitting to me was a rainbow pencil, so my AIM name became "arainbowpencil". Ended up going by Rainbow as a nickname, which I carried over to H!O. I still use the username 'agrayrainbow' over there. I IMed her and we talked for a bit. Li welcomed me, and I got to use her webspace:

"Rainbow's my best [online] friend. When I think about Rainbow (or Bruce) I want to use the word "quirky" but that's way too flamboyant for Bruce (which is saying something ;)). He's a fellow anime fan, and we spend long hours talking trash about your website behind your back. He's been a hostee for a LOOOONG time...in fact, I think he was my first, unless that was Megan. He now has his own domain (real-emotion.org) but he's still hosted at Thundercake, giving us a sort of supernatural bond (sort of like, I could delete his site if I wanted to, but I won't). Rainbow's a great person who gets crap from everyone. One day I'll show up in Michigan and kick the asses of his foes. And that's the end of my Rainbow paragraph. When he sees this he's going to squee. And use this face --> XDD"

I should also probably mention I half-assedly crossed this persona to DC++ (a filesharing/chat client). There was this guy from Czech Republic named Diamond that was so gullible that he believed I was a cis dude even though I voice chatted with him. I tried to make my voice sound a bit deeper but it was probably epic fail. Amanda and I still have an inside joke about how his mic lagged and made him sound like a robot.

Next was when I started going by Jason... Oh, Jason.

There were a few people that I regularly talked to in that chat: a girl named Mel, who was actually pretending to be a guy (I had to drag it out of her), a girl named.. god, I can't remember, let's just call her 'bitch' because it's appropriate (also pretended to be a guy).

Ethan

Finally, there was a Canadian 19-year-old guy named Ethan. I don't know whether it was a chick with a better, more convincing act than most, but I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Ethan's rp was on a different level than everyone else's. His was way better. All his rp wasn't about sex-- in fact, he felt almost uncomfortable rping yaoi. The reason why he said he lurked those chats were because he liked watching the interactions. Eventually, I got him to play with me one-on-one and it was like love at first type... or something. I was only fourteen, but if it wasn't love, it was the biggest crush ever. I came online every day to talk to him, vent to him, rp with him.

But he didn't really treat me right. Often he'd cry "Jaaaaay" when I got online, and we'd talk for a bit. He was generally very rude with me, but for some reason, I was into that type of guy. We were both very immature. I remember that part very clearly. We'd say something even remotely sexual, and he would respond with "heh heh" in his teal-blue 8pt Verdana. We had some good times together, despite the fact that my character was a little weird.

Of course, being me, I rped with other people as well, and there was another guy named Luke who ~wanted~ me. I actually enjoyed playing with Luke more than I enjoyed playing with Ethan. That was because Ethan was orthodox, Ethan was normal, and my character, Kaoko, just didn't fit with very well with his, Kish. However, Luke would always play the weirdest scenarios with me and I ate it up.

Point being, I liked Ethan for OOC chat, and I liked Luke for IC.

However, the bubble eventually had to burst. Eventually, I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend (bitch, of course) about the fact that I was, in fact, the certified owner of a vagina. Naturally, she ran and told Ethan, and Ethan pried teeth getting that out of me personally. By this point, we were very close. He even said something along the lines of "thank god, I'm not gay". However, shit hit the fan when I told him I'd just turned 15. For some reason, that made him back off. If it was ~twu wub~ or whatever, it wouldn't matter, right? We'd have to wait to meet nonetheless.

Despite all that, we continued talking. He signed on less often though, and I started to get a bit worried. One week, he didn't sign on at all without any notice, which was a huge blow. When he came back, he said something about a drug overdose? Thing is, Amanda was good friends with Ethan as well. Amanda worked the truth out of him-- and proceeded to send me the log. It was ugly like, "Amber whines about her brother too much. What about MY problems?" and "I'm getting kind of sick of her" and "A friend of mine hung himself and I come online and she's bitching about her brother." Of course, I never knew any of that about him? He insisted to never talk about himself.

But... after I told him I read it, that was basically the end of whatever we had. He stopped signing on, I was heart-broken for awhile. I still had Luke to rp with, but he eventually stopped signing on as well. I think Ethan was the first time I had ever really loved, and it hurt for him to just leave like that. I even got an abandonment complex that a lot of people don't know about or don't understand. Even now, writing about it, is making me kind of sick.

I took a break in 2007, solely playing the XBox, where I met dale. In 2008, I met flag. The rest is history, I guess.

Ethan IMed me again in June 2008. I made the mistake of signing on my MSN one day, and he said that he was just bored (and drunk), IMing old friends. So basically, it was the drunk dialing of the IM world. At that time, I was having my little ill-informed fling with Paul. It was interesting that Ethan would IM me a few days after my birthday and cheer about me being 'legal now'. However, I was willing to throw Paul aside. After all, this was Ethan, the guy I hadn't talked to since 2005. I used a bit of discretion though because I knew it was too good to be true (especially if he was drunk). Naturally, he went AFK for awhile and some girl comes back saying "hey, this is _____, I'm gonna have to steal him away for a bit ;)" and I proceeded to block him. I didn't and still don't have time for that shit.

Luke was one that never found out about my vagina-possession, so when he contacted me in April 2009 and I told him I had a girlfriend now, he said "I thought you were gay?" And he said he had a girlfriend, so I asked him the exact same thing. Basically, he said he wanted to 'catch up' and we ended up catching up for five minutes and I haven't talked to him since.

Cheers.

various shit

Sat, 02 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Okay, so I haven't had a chance to make an update for a few days.

...That's a lie, I've just been too lazy, really. I'm gonna do an entry about this week in a HIGHLIGHTZ 4 KIDZ version:

Metallica on Timewarp. It was okay, not really that great. The best part was probably Lars joking ("Are you seeing something you haven't noticed before?" "Yeah, my receding hairline") and James spitting all over the mic. Seeing Kirk's fingers go super slow ("I've never played that slow before!") and Robert desperately trying to blow out an amp and epically failing are a few more awesome parts about the show. I didn't like that they showed other shit though. What the shit does a dirt bike have to do with Metallica?
Been trying out new browsers because Firefox has become super slow. As I type this, my text lags. Of course. Anyway, the browser I've chosen is Flock. It's based from Firefox, so it still is a bit slow but not quite as slow. Also, I can use Ad-Block which is great! I wish Google Chrome had Ad-Block but it doesn't. Anyway, Flock has won me over. All its social features are great. Even as I'm writing this entry, I can see what all my friends are doing, which is awesome. I mean, what would I do without the immediate, left-hand sidebar style knowledge that my girlfriend was yawning 10 hours ago!?
Arguments ahoy this week. I don't know. Have I just been irritated? It's kind of stressing me out, though. People are pissing me off this week. But I've made up with every single one of the people I've argued with, so maybe everyone's just touchy. It's the spring weather, I tell ya. No one would pull this shit during winter. That's my home turf, after all.
Amanda and Josh broke up, and she's now talking to another guy. I'm happy about the former fact, but I don't know how to feel about the latter. The guy's name is Jason and he's pretty cool nonetheless. A lot cooler than Josh, not that it's a particularly difficult task, haha.
WEBSITE HOSTS, RAAAGE. I'm sure no one cares about them, but I'll make a TL;DR version: I've had to switch hosts like three times in one week. This is not an easy task. I've decided to get hosted with someone that I'm actually getting to know and like, this guy @ idiologic.com. His name is Ben, and he's pretty freakin' neat.
cock omelette

Browsers

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0500

so i was recently just trying out the browser google chrome. oh my god, it's so fast, and it's way prettier than firefox. HOWEVER, firefox has all the add-ons i need, and google chrome does not have add-ons. it's hard to choose between the two.

can i really live without ad-block, lj username switcher, and lj add-on (unfolds comments, etc)? the former two aren't that important but the previous really is. it's so annoying seeing ads everywhere when i've become so accustomed to not seeing them. lasgklskdg

however, i'm still deciding. i'll let you all know what i decide, because i know you all care ~oh so much~

oh and i decided all my "lol one sentence!" entries are gonna just be thrown on twitter instead of just cluttering up friends list from now on.

do I win youtube?

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0500

My Youtube Stats For Today:

#24 - Most Discussed (Today) - Music
#41 - Top Favorites (Today) - Music

Anywho. My thoughts on Resonant Blue? AWESOME SONG. I keep listening to it, trying to figure out why the hell I like it so much. It’s probably because I’ve liked these kinds of music in the past so it shouldn’t be a real surprise why I like it now. Technically, it’s a really good song. The bassline is strong and the drums are passable. Most of the song is made up of the singing, but Tsunku always creates his songs to cater to the voices (which makes sense). The vocals are strong (even if they aren’t split up very evenly). Tsunku is back to putting his voice in every single line, for whatever God awful reason. This song reminds me of something they would’ve made way back then, but the leads would’ve been Abe and Fukuda. That would’ve been interesting to listen to…

Thoughts about the PV? It’s really good. The choreography is spot on, and really fun to watch. I hate how the other members literally (and quite intentionally) blend into the background, though. After all, this is “Morning Musume” not “Takahashi, Tanaka, and Kusumi ft. other girls” just like I said on Hello!Online. I did a test in Windows Media Player, increasing the brightness two times and then zooming in on each corner so you could see the other members better. I wonder if anyone would be interested in me uploading those to Youtube too? It’s a lot easier to see the members but remember this isn’t the highest quality rip in the world so it would probably look even worse after being changed to .wmv.

And for those who don’t know me, I guess I should make a short self introduction. This IS a new blog after all, and why should you care about some random person’s opinion? Hopefully this will let you in on my point of view a little more.

My IRL name is XXXXX (omg no girls on the internet!). Many people don’t know that. I’m more commonly known as “Gray”, “agrayrainbow” (subtitling/Hello!Online), “toxicrainn” (on youtube), and “Masabi” (at jphip). I’m going to be 18 in June and I live in Michigan. I’ve been listening to Morning Musume since 2003 off and on, and I’ve followed it like a religion since 2005. I may come off as cynical or downright bitchy 90% of the time, but it gets my point across. I’m always up for debate especially when it comes to Hello!Project and every comment on this blog will be read (if not replied to). The purpose of this blog is to stop cluttering comment spaces and repeating myself on several blogs/news sites and just responding to news here.

I have an RSS syndicate under “Meta” or you can just bookmark me. If you’d like to be in my blogroll, comment here. I know tons of H!P sites but I only really go to InternationalWota so that’s the only site linked for now (that is until someone asks me to link them).

Oh, and if you couldn’t tell, the site’s name is “Mitsuboshi” (mi ★ tsu ★ boshi) which comes from Kusumi Koharu’s album name.

I think that’s all for now. Haha.

moving to a private journal

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

I AM MOVING TO A DIFFERENT JOURNAL.

People that can have the URL and will be readded:
exoticdisco, jupernia, raspberrysyrup, theonlydale

I will keep this journal still alive for memories and so I can read my friends lists' entries.

If you have anything to say to me about this or any other issue, feel free to comment as I will be checking it occasionally.

PS: you can thank AJ for this! That scumbag decided it was a good idea to let Amanda (someone I ranted angrily about) use his account. Said drama had NOTHING to do with him, he just thought it was proper to let someone I purposely removed read my LJ. Classy, huh?

website host BAILS

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

note: i posted this on jphip because i needed a host.. but it's basically the whole story

Well.. how do I begin this nightmare?

What happened first is someone told me about tehlove hosting at [tehlove.org/.](http://tehlove.org/.) Their plans were really well priced (but not free) and I begged my grandmother for $20 to get a medium sized plan. I registered [songforxx.org](http://songforxx.org) and they were up fairly quickly.

I used my domain on and off because that's how it seemed to want to work-- on and off. The host frankly sucked, the site was always down and I was beginning to wonder what I paid for. I know, I know, "you get what you pay for" but I wasn't willing to drop another $100 on a domain that I don't use THAT often.

I finally started to use it a little more... and the host said that they were shutting down. They said that our domains would remain in tact for as long as we paid for it. Great! I didn't care if they were shutting down as long as they made good with what I paid for. I was starting to make plans for the domain, I had great plans for it in 2008.

Then I get an e-mail today which says they have to "transfer the domain names" and they're getting rid of their reseller. That's right... ditching on everyone who paid, no matter if they got their full year or only 5 months (like myself). Well, if I'm getting half the product, shouldn't I have paid half the price? That $10 could've gone toward something, I don't know, a jpop single or something. I'd rather give my money to people who will actually give me the product than bailing out halfway through.

So... now they're transferring the domain name to me, which is good for another half a year and I'm stuck hostless because they couldn't manage finances or whatever.

So please... my site doesn't take up more than 50mb at any point in time and I really need a host right now (one that can tell me wtf to do to transfer the domain to a different server too). If you can spare any space on your domain and have the knowledge to help me transfer it over to your space, I would really, really appreciate it..

edit: new layout
edit2: got a new host, will be located here

this is the reason I sub

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I turned on my laptop, checked my email, and found myself browsing the Hello! Online tracker, where I saw someone had uploaded an English-subbed version of Mikan– which they fortunately uploaded to Youtube for lazy people like me. So I clicked on the link to watch, and when I was reading the translation and watching the PV– I honestly almost started bawling. I really don’t know why. Kind of the same way I don’t know why I started crying when I watched Koharu performing a solo of ‘Ai Araba IT’S ALL RIGHT.’ It very well could’ve been the fact that I was really sleep-deprived and not 100 percent awake yet, but there was something that felt really, really epic about the PV and the song meaning together. Needless to say, I’m just a huge fan of this single now.

- This blog, talking about my subs for Mikan.

I sub because I feel the English community deserves to know the meaning of songs the day they come out as well as the Japanese community.
I sub because I know at least one person will enjoy it.
I sub for the community's sake.

LOL MICROSOFT SUCKS

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

After the update there are currently 3 unresolved issues:

Voice Chat
Matchmaking
NAT Type Detection- what was set to Open is now set to Moderate or Strict and can't be manually changed. Problems: Can't join friends online. Can't chat with friends online. May not show friends online but they are.

The team is aware of these issues and is currently working on them. They have no timeframe except ASAP!
The suggestion is too not change any port information, nor to change router settings, etc. (Do not change anything to your current setup.)

This was posted on Major Nelsons Blog: A small number of people are having issues with incorrect NAT type detection. The team is aware and working hard to resolve it as quickly as possible.

HB

Yes, that's exactly why I paid for live! To have them screw me over when I want to play! Thanks, Microsoft! Yet another fucking lovely product from a fucking lovely company!

Writing Prompts

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to start using writing prompts again because I fail hardcore at updating if I don't. I'm using the prompts from the first page I got from googling: this one. I'll try to update daily, which should last me awhile. I refuse to do stupid ones though, like "WHAT IF THE COWS GAVE ROOTBEER INSTEAD LULS."

First prompt: "What is something you dislike about yourself?"

The #1 thing would have to be my lack of friends and the REASON I lack friends. I know perfectly well why I lack friends, I've attempted to change it, and I can't. This is just the way I am. (I started thinking about this when I was talking to Matt about it the other day.)

The only reason I lack friends is the plain and simple fact that I am bipolar. If all you out there in LJ land don't know what bipolar is I suggest you read the Wikipedia article but here's the condensed version: people who are bipolar go through "stages" of moods. I'll paraphrase.

Stage I: "Depressive phase" (aka "Bad Days"): Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, shyness, chronic pain (with or without a known cause)*, lack of motivation

* most of the time the chronic pain is in my stomach, I'll feel weak to my stomach for no apparent reason

Stage II: "Mania" (aka "Really Good Days"): Rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, increased interest in goal-directed activities, more severe version of Stage III

Stage III: "Hypomania" (aka "Good Days"): An uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny, 'artistic' state, flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, obsessional behavior, ability to improvise easily on the spot, increase in subconscious movement*, excessive sexual activity, increased self-esteem, being more talkative than usual or feeling pressure from within the thought process to keep talking (i.e., cannot stop until the story is done)

* usually biting my nails

Stage IV: "Mixed State" (aka "Really Bad Days"): A condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously. Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted.

When I'm in a Stage VI mood, I will snap at people randomly, feel guilty later, cry randomly, snap again, have hot flashes because of random anxiety, etc. That's just the way I am and hell if I'll take medication to stop it. Also, if you're curious, today is a Stage III for me. Yesterday was Stage II.

Why the point of this? To explain why I don't have friends, naturally: when someone catches me in a bad mood, I go OFF on them. Normally what happens...

1) I get pissed off because of some small little minuscule thing that others wouldn't even notice.
2) Go off on my current target. It may not have been who caused it, most likely it's one of my really good friends, usually I bitch about it to them but occasionally my "target" is a friend that I don't really consider to be really a good friend, but because they caused the problem I go off on them.
3) Anger lasts 10 minutes, but in those 10 minutes I say something EXTREMELY stupid. Because I'm prideful I refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that I did anything wrong.
4) Somewhat-good-friend either takes this and understands how I am (becoming a good friend) or stops talking to me so often, and stops being my friend.

Believe it or not, 96% of people land in the last group, the people who know I'll do it again and prefer not to be stressed out by my bitchiness. The only two people that I know who have really been able to "accept" that I do this is Matt and Amanda. Dale is not one of those people because whenever I get angry I deliberately direct it away from him, because I'm afraid that if I do that too often he'll stop liking me.

The people who are my really good friends have learned that I do this and can get past it anyway. And I'm glad that they can, because this is my major flaw and what keeps people away from me. That and the fact that I'm a "loner"-- I genuinely prefer my own company and rarely talk to anyone (usually it's others talking to me, and usually it's unwelcome, at least at school).

Matt said the reason he doesn't mind it is because he knows I'm not that way all the time, and that I can be awesome when I'm not angry or sad. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..

[edit] My brother just got a leopard gecko and sent me a frantic message to help him on xbox because he thinks his gecko is sick. I gave him all the tips I could and he's still worried, and it makes me really heartsick and almost makes me wanna cry because he's so worried about it. He even has a little coconut for the gecko to go in when he has to shed. He's been really considering hard a gecko and researched it, and I am going to be really pissed/sad if the gecko is sick. I'll probably cry, hell, I almost am right now.

Begin killing me now..

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm thinking about changing my XBox Live name. Again. For the last time. This is mostly because Manng obviously wants to join AJ's new clan thing and I just don't see the point in having TheOnlyNate anymore-- so, which one of these would all of you there out in LJ land prefer to see me be known as?

01) six Eighteen [I'm not sure if I could even begin to enjoy being called "six" all the time though.]
02) gray scale [I like this one a lot, but I'm not sure if it's already taken. I tried many variations and they all seemed to not be taken but I might be wrong.]
03) F0REV3R [This is probably my favorite out of the three, and the one I will most likely pick unless I can get a really strong argument for one of the other two.]

BTW I will soon be getting a "new" graphics card (AGP Radeon 7500 128MB)-- I already bought it and am awaiting it at my doorstep. May the days fly by. :]

Nevermind! I'm joining MOBCITY so I'm gonna be mobcityMAKOTO.

Proper Entry

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Birthday
My birthday was kind of low key. I got a few very 'expensive' things. I got Clock Tower II for $20 on ebay (the first auction I've won!). I bought the Clock Tower II and Clock Tower 3 guides from someone on LiveJournal for $25. The Command & Conquer was bought for $40 on ebay. The Camera + Year of Live pack was from my dad, and he claims that's all I'm getting (which will probably be the cheapest birthday gift of all-- usually I get $150 from him but the pack was $80-- I'm not complaining though because he got me a 360 for no apparent reason). The shoes were $60 and were partially from Steve and partially from my Gramma. I want to thank all those people from the bottom of my heart because it's made my birthday a lot better. Also I got a cheesecake from my dad, unfortunately I didn't get a picture of that before it got ate but it was really great.. And I still have Ayumi Hamasaki's album "Duty" and single "A" coming in.

My gramma thinks Danny's in love with me
My gramma took me aside and told me that Danny was "staring at me like he loved me" and "being really cute to me" and etc. She said I should give him a chance. I told her no way. I already have someone, which I will talk about later. Upon telling her that my significant other lives 3 hours away, she said "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" which basically means I should go out with Danny just because he happens to be here. I thought that was ridiculous. The next day she said she took back what she said-- she says a really good friend is not worth jeopardizing. I couldn't agree more.

Amanda
Amanda is just.. Amanda. She kind of accidentally broke my Guitar Hero II, but she's going to replace it so I'm completely over it. If Amanda wasn't Amanda then I wouldn't like her so much. We were in a semi-argument but she broke it by sending me a birthday card and everything was great again. :]

Danny..lives at my house now?
Danny has been living at my house for the past two weeks. I certainly don't have a problem with it, it's fun to have someone to talk to, too. He has his own name on my xbox and plays occasionally but he plays the PS2 more often anyway. That brings me to my next category I suppose.

Gears of War
Gears has been.. hectic lately. Maybe I should separate this into different categories.

Hosting: Hosting has been.. different. I've been kicking people so much that my reputation went from 5 stars to 4, and I've gotten really quick with it. I've been kicking those who active reload with the sniper because I think it's cheap. People seem to hate me for it, and it seems that drama gets easily started up over it.

Drama: So much drama has gone on. I've lost most of my friends list because of my fault or their fault.

Dale was complaining about Moaozis complaining and when I bitched at Moaozis he dared call me a bitch. He was muted and hasn't been in my games since.
Rurak was muted because he was annoying when high but I unmuted him the next day. He's probably one of my favorite Gears friends and him writing "unmute me" on the ground with the lancer was just too awesome.
Manng was muted for a day because when my xbox froze he went to host his own game. It really pissed me off at the time but now I'm just like whatevs. Haha.
Poem got muted for shouting "OMGZ HOST!" and hasn't been unmuted yet. He was really sarcastic about it and he was one of the people that was talking behind my back about me, so he can go fuck himself.
Jesus has been muted for quite some time but I also hear that he's talking about me behind my back so whatever slim chance he had of being unmuted is now gone.

Dale
Yes, he warrants an entire category for himself. Why? Because he's the closest person to me right now (and always will be), not to mention he's my boyfriend in every meaning of the word. It's been kept fairly low key though because I think he's afraid of people giving him a hard time about the long distance relationship thing (though I wouldn't consider a few hours away to be exactly long distance). I've been trying really hard to convince him to get a cam and he said he would as soon as he got a ride to to the store. Unfortunately there have been a lot of things that have prevented him from getting one thus far but that's okay, I'm patient. Rurak went onto Dale's team to say something along the lines of "Dood, I think Amber likes you!!" a few days ago and he told me that.. we both laughed, because we've had a thing for awhile I guess. My entire life right now revolves around him, from getting up to falling asleep-- and I think his life is revolved around me too. And I have absolutely no problem with that.

Anyway, it's been a long freakin' few weeks as you can tell. If you have any more questions about these things, just ask me. If you're reading this it's most likely that you know how to contact me. :]

On The Weekend

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I went over to Gramma's on Thursday because Steve was over there and I hadn't seen gramma in awhile. I told Dale in AIM that I wouldn't be back until Friday, but he seemed to ignore that and still ask Amanda where I was. That's okay though, because apparently I said I'll probably be back on Friday and he took that as I went over to Amanda's or something. I must've neglected to say I was going to my gramma's. Oops.

Anyway, when I went over to my Gramma's, she told me not to bother to take a shower and to hurry up because we were gonna go to Pirates of the Caribbean 3. But I hurried up and got back and it seems as if she didn't wanna go at that time. I setup my xbox 360 downstairs and went upstairs. She bought a SNES and like 40 games, so I looked through them and found one I liked: Tetris. I played Tetris for what seems like ages while waiting for Steve to get back. He had gone to my aunt's to help put something on the roof, some sort of white material. He slipped and fell in it and got it all over him, and after that he quit and came home. Following that we played a few Guitar Hero II songs along with Zach and then we went to POTC:3. Zach threw a fit in the theater and said he would rather play video games, but Roger forced him to come along anyway. Apparently there was something after the credits but it was retarded anyway, so I felt like I wasted 10 minutes watching the credits. Oh well. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.

The next day, I was woken up by Zach's pet rabbit in my face licking it. Zach brought his pet rabbit (actually, the school's pet rabbit) home for the summer and was basically abusing it. Everyone felt sorry for it. Anyway I was woken up by it, and bribed Zach to leave me alone by telling him he could play Guitar Hero II. I got up anyway and went upstairs to do basically nothing. I kept playing Steve at Tetris but he couldn't seem to beat my score (because I'm awesome at it). Later that day, we went out to eat with two lesbians o_o. I couldn't tell they were lesbians until it dawned on me when one of them said they played football. I was like, "Oooh...". But the place we ate at was pretty fancy, and I had steak, but I felt like a jackass asking for steak sauce. The bathrooms were weird, they had saloon like doors and I didn't feel like I was covered when I was using it. After that we went home and played a little Monopoly, in which Steve was probably the funniest guy in the world, nearly giving my gramma a heart attack from laughing so hard. My gramma asked me if I wanted to go to Wisconsin Dells for a week, or have $100, and I decided that I'd rather have $100 so she put it in my paypal account. I felt like a jackass there too because she probably wanted us all to have a trip before she died or something, but I still would rather have $100. We also watched some 80s music videos and gramma told us a funny story. She said that she thought she knew that song "Take on Me" when my mom was younger, and so she belted out loudly "COMEEE ON MEEE!" and my mom was like "WHAT ARE YOU SINGING!?". Gramma specifically told me not to write about it in my blog. That's why I am. Heeee.

The next day, I was woken up by Roger saying my dad had "something important to tell me about" and I freaked out, naturally thinking he was sick or hurt or something. I called him back and he said he didn't say anything like that, so I got pissed off at Roger for lying to me to get up. Gramma said I was the one who got up the quickest but that's because I thought my damn dad was hurt, which is an evil and mean way to get someone up. Anyway we ate breakfast and then I came home after that. That's basically all that happened.

When I came back, there was Mad Magazine on my seat and a lot of stuff on my computer, like some genki beam stuff in my email and I had to play Ragnarok with Dale so I had too much to do and was overwhelmed at first. That's what I get for leaving those things alone for like, 2 days.. -___-;

All night gears of war a thon is complete!

Sun, 20 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I actually went from 2pm to 6am, which is 16 hours. It was all with Dale too, he was the only one that managed to actually last the full time, also he was playing before me! Jeez. Haha. I had a few brief interruptions but that's okay. It generally went really awesome, aside from a few assholes here and there (and with 16 hours of playing you expect to see them!). So.. hm.. I don't have much else to blog about. I might be in Physics next year! We'll see how it goes.

My full day in detail

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 12:00:00 -0500

First Hour - It's a friday which makes me happy. I had a dream about amanda sending me a ffx yuna wallpaper.. O_o; I have a test in this social studies geography history whatever the fuck this class is, in spanish, and that 'advanced' pack for computers. I'm so gonna fail this test.

Second Hour - I failed the eyetest that they pulled us out of class for. Wee.

Fourth Hour - Geometry was FUN!? Wtf? We did jeapordy.. that's spelled wrong. But I was really good at certain types of questions.. so like. Yeah. Time to fail this science class thing test! (How many tests have I failed today? 1st hr, eye test, 2nd hour, this hour.. no more tests after this, though).

Later fourth hour - Volk marked me down for 'writing' on his test. As if I wasn't already going to fail. I will now make it my life's goal to 'write' on all his tests. The ass. He was like, "I take points off for people who write on my tests", and I said "like i care." Cause it's true-- a failing grade is a failing grade.

Fifth hour - I'm doing misc things like checking old emails and stuff and deleting unneeded things off of RE. There's a sub in this class and she seems like a REAL bitch. I'm gonna update my blog or something.

Sixth hour - Wow, we're watching Michael Jackson videos since there's a pep rally at the end of the day. This guy cracks me up. I keep thinking of funny things to write and then I keep forgetting about them. Fuck. Well. Time for pep rally.

HA!

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

I just proved that Amanda doesn't REALLY like j-rock/visual kei. I showed her the "jealous" video for Dir en Grey which is almost 7 minutes long and she sat through 2 minutes and then got so bored (or disgusted) and left. So that's what she gets for getting into an obsession without thinking.

Our night has been fun so far, though...

She came over when dad wasn't home, but I already got permission from him. It started out really fun-- we hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks so we had missed each other. The fun wore off about an hour in or so . . Shrug. We DID play the personality profiler thing I have. It was fun to see our "personality profiles". But now she's playing Spiderman 2 without a memory card, what a waste of time. =__=;

Other than that, I made a subpage on my domain just to link to this blog. How nice am I? Click. It's just an enter page to this one, but whatever. XD

Now they'll never be able to track me!

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

Mwaha! Finally. A private blog. I want to thank m-p.net for hosting. I’ll get a layout set up in a second.. Wow. This is spiffy. ^__^

woo

Sat, 08 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

I'm prollly moving to mah crazylife 'cas christine and nIk~nIk are dere... and they let you use stylez!
THEY'RE WAY BETTER THAN LIVEJOURNAL!
runs

stupid mom

Mon, 29 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 10:32 pm.
This isn't fair. I'm happy for the Nicest Person In The World, Yuna, but it isn't fair that she has a paid account.
I'm steamed.
I've been wanting a paid account forever now!

Time: 9:52 pm.
Okay, time to YELL AND SCREAM!
If you don't like swearing, don't read on.
GRR! When it was my birthday, I got .. about 5 comments wishing me happy birthday. My mother didn't even come to see me on my birthday! And Yuna gets a million and one comments on her lj! And even a present! You know how bad I felt when my mother didn't visit me on my birthday? You know how even worse I felt when I didn't get barely any recognition!! yer_own_names doesn't barely recognise me either.
I always do things around my house and no one ever gives me anything.
WHY?
I've been through so0 much shit in my life you people don't even know! By the time I was 12, my parents had devorced, I had to go to Child Protective Services, and I had to testify in court!
How does THAT sound? Hmm? I'm not all peaches and cream like I look and sound!
This isn't fair! But I know at least one person is going to comment : "Hun, life isn't fair." You know what? To that person who comments that: FUCK OFF!
You know what? To the world: FUCK OFF!
To my mom: FUCK OFF!
To the people who can't recognise: FUCK OFF!
Everyone whos been through shit in their lives would know where I'm coming from. I used to cry and cry myself to sleep every night! How do you think I felt when my mom got arrested on my brothers birthday? How do you think I felt livin in the heights! Those damned people poisoned our dog and killed him!
My moms boyfriend (now husband) is really REALLY abusive! But lucky I'm living at my dads. But it doesn't matter, I fight with my dad too!
Why can't anyone understand where I'm coming from? It makes me super depressed.
I'm not going to kill myself.
I can live on.
I always go through this shit.
I am strong.
But am I strong enough to live through this? Should I see counsiling? I've already had to see counsiling because of my mom. Whats up with that? My moms a drunk, and so is her husband. Whats up with that? My dad still has child support coming out of his check going to my mom when my moms not supporting us: he is. Whats up with that?
The world can be incredibaly cruel! Whats up with that?
I feel like crawling in bed. ._.
I've already given myself a headache.
And another thing: we're very poor! My dad keeps saying "As soon as we start getting money..." but I know thats NEVER going to happen! We will always be poor!
I'll probably die from lack of food!
So whats up with that?
.....Why? Theres so much I want to say.. yet lack the words to say it.
And another thing: I haven't even had a crush or boyfriend! And I'm 12! I must be a weirdo or something!
I know I'm a weirdo.
......
What about my moms boyfriend with his 9mm and his crowbar? What about him beating up my mom and I?
What about me going to 14 different schools?
What about me moving 10 times?
What about me always losing my friends when I move?
What about me, always alone because of my life?
What about me, the loner, the weird girl no one wants to talk to?
What about all the people that have suffered?
What about those rich snobs who think they're all that?
What about those people who can get whatever they want, whenever they want?
What about all of those lies that my mom told me to shut me up?
What about my car? Wheres my brand new car that I was promised?
What about that $100 a week my dads paying to my mom for "supporting us", when he is?
What about the FUCKING people who think they've got it bad, when they've really got it easy?
Where's my "happy birthday!"?
Where the fuck did my "happy birthday!" go?!
WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKIN BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT I NEVER GOT?!
What about my brother and I sitting in that child protective area, waiting for our gramma to come?
What about all those tears I cried when my mom said I got her arrested?
What about me being beat?
What about it all?
What about the mom that I never had.. the mom that wasn't there..?

Time: 7:55 pm.
Bored. Another layout change.

stuck in my head

Fri, 26 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 8:39 pm.
hey you know off ddr konamix, that song "gimme-your-love by divas"? I have it in my head
yeah went over to moms. had steak and bought blue fuzzy slippys! ^_^ I like the slippys the best.
new layout! HEHEHEHEHE!

COME VISIT MY NEW PAGES!!!!:
my charrie bios
My icon page - icons I've made
Angela sucks. - angela sucks.: Dedicated to my friend, because my friend has trouble with a girl named Angela. Full story there.
My drawings page (request a drawing by emailing me: lynnmaxweil@aol.com) - self explainitory
Character page.. join today! Please! I need members.. - my character page: making a story. COME JOIN COME JOIN COME JOIN AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!!

Thats it for now.

Time: 9:46 am.
Beautiful song callled: Si Il Mio Amer Sta Vincino

If I were how everyone says I am
Then how cruel is God
Who has given me life

Believe me
I'm just a pitiful woman
Who's merely thinking of the man she loves

No
Even if no one believes me
If my beloved is by my side
I would gladly accept any punishment
Please, God
Hear the prayers of this poor woman

Pretty, isn't it? If someone would tell me the code to put music in the background of my lj, I would make it that..

Time: 8:33 am.
from xreflex commented in weamnotpsycho: "this comment has nothing to do with the community, but i'd just like to say thta lulu_mcbrea has THE creepiest icon i've seen. it's almost as scary as well. . .i dunno. . .it's late and i'm tired. yay! hurray for meaningles comments!"

crap It says "Stick with nick, we're having techincal difficulties" and it has spongebobs music playing. THIS IS SCARING ME! Okay its back on now.
Sandys rocket.
Yay.

I'm up at 8:00 am on the computer. Why am I up at 8 am on the computer? Am I nuts?

And someone tell me how to puts music in the background of my journal, its killing me.
Thats it.
Takin icon requests if anyone wants one; no animations.
Awesome.

gyeh

Wed, 24 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 11:14 pm. steals now4evers word.. gyeh.

Time: 11:09 pm. I need lj codes. I need a paid account on lj. Someone help. Be nice. Come on. STILL TRYING TO GIVE AWAY this wun ( i can delete the layout ) AND NOW maybe this wun i dunno

Time: 10:28 pm. Dorky me! I'm going lj crazy today. Well who likes my new lj style? dance on the edge of danger

Time: 10:05 pm. My drawings site is up So far it has Tifa and Aeris of ffvii. Taking requests. Request one by commenting! P.S.: I drew yuffie, but it isn't uploading. >.<';;