Depression on needing.space

depression and isolation

Sat, 27 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

on the bright side for the people around me, when I get depressed I am super low maintenance meaning that I rly don’t ask for much of… anything, no socialization, no extras, I’m essentially the pet rock version of a friend. on the other hand that means I don’t even really have the energy to take care of myself or important things in my life so that sucks.

I honestly don’t even know if people realize that I’m socially isolating ngl. I think people are so damn used to me being the one to initiate anything social, etc that no one else bothers to do so. I mean ffs my father didn’t even call on Xmas this year so like…

still here

Sun, 14 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

yes, we are still here. it’s just that it has been way too busy and exhausted to update here unfortunately. we have been doing TMS full time for six weeks starting in september, and then we started spravato which has been life changing. it really has helped our depression so much. like, pretty much in remission at this point.

with coming into the new year, there’s going to be quite a lot that we have to do. we are finally down to once a week on spravato, but they are changing our insurance, so we need to figure that out. there is a place that is slightly closer than the 200mi/3 hour round trip for the other place that both us and elias are going to right now. but still, it’s been exhausting have to drive to and from dallas every day for months now. it’s just… too much honestly. so, will be glad to be moving to somewhere closer, and only doing it once a week.

TMS is kicking my ass

Tue, 30 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

man. TMS has been rough. I know the first 2-3 weeks usually have the worst side effects and it’s normal to experience what I’m experiencing but since it’s so slow acting, the side effects are also slow to go away.

like several weeks in.. I’m having trouble thinking straight, having memory issues, insane fatigue etc which are all apparently side effects that I wasn’t really warned about before starting. which is fine but actually the depression is worse because of all the side effects, also just becoming worse I think before it gets better because of depression, trauma being shuffled up and etc.

not forgotten about this

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

hey all. I have definitely not forgotten about this blog. My life has just been considerably full of stress the past few weeks. I have some major health stuff going on. Mostly major depression which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s essentially an emergency level. I am going to go through TMS and Spravato soon, which is going to put further stress on our financial situation, which already isn’t ideal. Sigh… I don’t even have the spoons to get into what all is going down with the family situation, either. I will do a proper update soon, hopefully.

trying to figure my life out

Thu, 31 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i had therapy today & we basically just talked about how I'm still overworking despite like, not actually actively being at work. i quit my job but now I'm 24/7 looking and applying for jobs. therapist said that i would do well to just set a timer on how long I can be looking for jobs and do it at a specific time of day so I'm not up at 3am looking for and applying to jobs. which yeah kinda. i mean whatever semblance of a schedule i had instantly disappeared the second i wasn't being forced to get up for a 9-5 & now i'm just constantly in "work" mode whether it be trying to find a job, doing chores, or whatever else.

the therapist is also going to send me some mental health exercises to do to try and get me into the habit of like, actually doing shit. she was trying to be like "what gets you excited about getting up in the morning?" and i'm like literally nothing :( i got the depression.

the psych is being awful and refusing to switch me off my current antidepressants that aren't working. last time i had an appt with her she gave the world's biggest sigh when i told her these weren't working and was like "well i'm not doing this anymore so I'm sending you genesight so we can have some kind of clarity on what will and won't work with you." like excuse me? yeah i'm also tired of my depression but try and keep your gigantic sighs to yourself. if you don't actually want to do your job then maybe change to a different profession.

therapist was like "go do ketamine" and i was (jokingly) like "yeah I'll go talk to the drug dealer down on the corner" and she was like "lmao nooo do it legally". i eventually do wanna do ketamine therapy but i can't at the moment (or any time soon) bc I would need a ride back and forth. it's like a 3 hr round trip to get to and from the closest ketamine therapy place & e doesn't drive so I'd need to figure out a way to deal w that. the only person I could think who could give me a ride is kendrick, and I love kendrick but i rlyyy do not want to be stuck in a car w him for an hour and a half while i'm ketamine tripping LMAO.

CVS is being so fucking dumb. we need to switch away from them. healthcare in this country is a shitshow so the closest "preferred" pharmacy is like a 2 hour round trip in that town with the CVS. so elias called and asked them if his meds were in. they said they were. so i did the 2 hour round trip and when i got there they were like "uh no we don't have it in, we don't even have it in our system" which i kinda assumed considering it wasn't available online but like? they are constantly doing this. plus they aren't doing the insurance verification for my T so like??? get your shit together CVS.

likely we are going to move our stuff over to walgreens bc this is a mess. plus CVS has some new thing with our new location that you can't even call & get a pharmacist on the phone anymore!!! like they only let you leave a voicemail no matter what time of day it is, and if ur lucky they will call you back in a timely manner and you'll catch their call. total shitshow. 0/10 they are not getting our money any longer lmao.

i'm doing my best to figure stuff out but it's been so hard lately. it's just... idk. everything is exhausting. how am i feeling even MORE burnt out after quitting my job??? i guess it's bc with my job I could clock in and out and be done for the day but now I feel like i'm constantly "on" with constantly job hunting and the like. i hope that i can find some kind of peace outside of that. the therapist said it was a pretty good opportunity for me to figure out what i actually want to be doing with my day that a lot of people don't get, and i agree. we are totally privileged in that way & i'm very grateful for that. but still, it's exhausting... ugh. me @ myself: get ur shit together please

will i ever be okay

Fri, 25 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

yesterday I didn’t write, but there wasn’t much to write to be honest with you. i worked, then i slept for like 16 hours. i should have just done the same today. feeling so heavily suicidal. like, i need to get back on my anxiety but the fact that i had such a withdrawal during vacation is scary. i don’t want to deal with that. but without any antidepressant i feel like i am so depressed that i might start self harming. and there is also the fact that i don’t really trust Maria, so i can’t even talk to her about anything. this sucks. it feels like everyone would be better off if i just died. i hate it. well, whatever… its whatever. hopefully i can go back to eating soon. i didn’t eat today. my eating disorder is acting up too much. will i ever be okay?

Just A Couple More Seconds

Fri, 25 Apr 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Raven,

We are on vacation right now. I bought this journal in hopes of archiving our life. Pictures are great, but I want to describe my emotions as well. And what better way than this?

I don’t know if we will give you this when we are done. Maybe we will keep it forever to ourselves. But knowing that I am not just tossing words into the void is a good incentive.

depression is super bad right now

Tue, 21 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Guess we have a new old journal… don’t know when I think Elias gave it to us.

I’m nervous to even be writing in here, but i guess that’s the only resort we have left.

Depression is super bad right now. not sure what to do. everything seems hopeless. I think our sickness and dizziness is being caused by keeping things inside. We have gone back to our old eating disorder ways - just can’t help it. I think it is that feeling of being trapped. and not in control of anything.

ahhh

Thu, 02 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

sorry i haven't been around much! i'm going to try to return the comments in my inbox tomorrow if i can. depression has been getting the best of me unfortunately.

we went to the end-of-semester dinner for asl 101. we both got certificates which is fun. it was just me, elias, and our other friend in the class that came from 101, the rest of the people were from the higher classes. i guess that makes sense to me, the people in 101 aren't necessarily that dedicated to the language. the people that take the higher classes probably have some level of bond and dedication to the language and their fellow classmates.

it was really fun! of course, it was ASL only. it was so nice to just have silence besides laughter here and there, and i could actually communicate with people. i'm so happy for that.

i'm trying to work on my splurging problem in therapy right now and address the root issues, but it's really hard. for now, i'm just trying to hold off on spending any money until i figure that out. really hard when i just got paid, but here we are.

i got a job interview! well, a half interview. i'm going to be talking with a recruiter today. i redid my resume yesterday and suddenly i've started getting hits, so i guess that it's been my shitty resume the whole time. i pretty much changed it from "marketing speak" to something that's actually intelligible quickly and also listed my full stack web dev credentials. hoping that this actually gets me somewhere. i'm mainly looking because they're opening up the position that would be perfect for me EXTERNALLY!!! at my current job. and i know there's a very good chance that if they hire externally, i'll quit on the spot. so better to be prepared... and it's a good ego booster to know that i could get a (half) interview that easily.

also we woke up this morning and our AC was frozen over, so we called an HVAC person. but there's been flooding around here, so they haven't been able to come. there were two (!) tornado warnings here over the weekend, so bad that we took all our pets and hid out in the bathroom waiting for it to pass. and then yesterday lightning struck closer to our house than i've ever seen. a HUGE boom and just a bit scary. the weather has been crazy lately.

uh anyway i think that's about it see ya

i'm so exhausteddd

Tue, 23 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

b4 i write anything i will just say i see i got some comments/DMs i gotta reply to, i'll try to get to that today or tomorrow

but for today just a lil venting... ughhhhhh

depression

has been HELLA bad this month which has also kinda affected everything. plus i ran out of adderall and i don't even have the energy to fight to get it refilled, which is making me even more sleepy bc adderall is one of the only things that keeps me motivated and awake, otherwise i sleep 20 hours a day like my pets. but like... idk. i haven't even felt like being awake or anything.

work

is still a nightmare. it's really depressing me even worse than usual lmao. my main alter anastasia just kinda had a meltdown and said "fuck all yall" and is gone for now so bye i guess lmao. can't really say i blame her, this job is soul sucking. fucking sucks. and it's unfortunately causing a lil rift in the relationship with E. like a micro rift, barely even there but still there, which SUPER sucks.

sleep

is basically just non-existent these days, and when i do get sleep, i have night terrors every night. sometimes i'm able to get to sleep if my dog Toni is sleeping next to me, but she's the only one that helps. i've tried my other pets, and it's just toni. and bless her, unfortunately she is in a donut right now (a very cute one might i add, actually decorated like a pink donut) because she won't stop licking her leg and giving herself a hot spot. so when i'm trying to sleep, she's like twice as big as she should be because of the donut... haha. it's the only thing that helps me tho. i also forgot my meds last night which makes my sleep even WORSE.

finances

good god don't even get me started on this lmao. i have been impulse spending like money is literally burning a hole in my pocket and then wondering why i am broke. but it's like the impulse spending is due to my depression and trying to get like at least 1 serotonin however i can, but then i have -100 serotonins at the end of the month bc i'm stressed out about finances. but in the moment i'm like "yolo" and end up spending way too much... i'm going to talk to the therapist about it today.

therapy

oh also speaking of which therapy sucks it's hard and exhausting and she's currently doing some EDMR adjacent stuff w me and it makes me even sleepier than usual. like every week i feel like skipping & the only reason i don't is bc it's literally cheaper to just go than it is to pay the last minute cancellation fee :X i'll figure it out...

there's a lot of good stuff going on in my life too tho! like for one thankfully E is actually decent with finances so my questionable financial "decisions" aren't impacting our life that much. plus ASL 101 is almost over and there's a dinner next week for all the people who were in all the ASL classes! i'm pretty excited <3 elias and i are a few of the only people that are moving on to 102 though, which isn't surprising to me. i think that most people would take 101 to see if they like it, and if it doesn't really jive with them, they just stop coming. i get it... haha

i can't remember shit

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i keep having this like. really annoying problem where i think i'm done w something and my brain is like "yaaay you're done here's the dopamine! check that one off the list :)" and then i only finished it 80% of the way and then someone else comes to me and is like "can you. actually finish that task" it's happening a lot at work which is the exact last place you would want something like this to happen

i stg my adhd will be the end of me... i have meds and everything they just aren't working as well as i might like them to lol. also i have therapy todayyyy i'm going to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and have a temper tantrum bc i hate therapy lmao. IT NEVER FEELS LIKE IT'S WORKING even though i'm 100% sure that it's at least doing something

i mean i have a really good therapist. i feel like i'm actually making progress w her, whereas in the past i felt like i wasn't making much progress (the therapist before this was super nice and down to earth but had the tendency to just like, end up talking about politics with me instead of trauma stuff or mental health stuff... it ended up feeling like i was paying someone to be my friend which is even more depressing than just being regular depressed)

ALSO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I NEED TO TAKE MY CAR IN TO THE SHOP TODAY BUT I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME AHHHHH HEEELLLPPP

ok tantrum over i'll go to therapy now

ughhhhh

Fri, 12 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

ASL class was canceled wednesday which made us really depressed. we ordered take-out though. so that helped.

our power went out last night for half the house--happened when i was trying to microwave food. fortunately/unfortunately it was the non-essential but fun stuff that went out (TV, video games) and not the essential but boring stuff (home offices.) so we can still work but we can't play video games or watch TV on the good tv. we have our bedroom tv but it's really tiny and laggy, i want to upgrade it at some point, because 720p is unacceptable in 2024 when 1080p is the standard and can be purchased for really cheap, but it hasn't been a big priority because we don't watch tv in there very often

we just bought solar a month or two back, and whenever we went outside to flip the breakers, the ancient butthead dude from next door came over yelling stuff like WOW YOU REALLY GOT SCAMMED ON SOLAR, DO YOU HAVE TWO BILLS, WHAT ARE YOUR AVERAGE BILLS, YOU MUST BE PAYING A LOT and we were just like. no, it's much cheaper than it was before, it's one bill, and the average is none of your business. we carefully considered our decision and our main reasons were

1. we don't want to pay for electricity for the rest of our lives
2. we actually give a shit about the environment
3. the grid in texas is totally screwed and being off the grid is good for everyone

i didn't explain that to him because he wasn't owed an explanation! but writing all this reminded me to switch over our electric, so i'm good with that

anyway, elias and i both had meltdowns last night, anastasia fronted and helped them out, then we just ended up ordering out again because we don't have groceries, because when i tried to pick them up on tuesday it was ridiculously flooded (they were even blocking areas off) so i had to turn around--see the video i took: [www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq...](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq3N74U3pF0)

had to turn around, couldn't keep going, there's a reason the phrase "turn around don't drown" is so popular in this area of texas

i don't really think much else has happened, i'm not too invested in the electric being out because i can just watch tv in the bedroom or play on the switch which i usually do anyway, but we do need to get it fixed, elias is wanting to use our tax returns to upgrade the system as well, which i don't want to do

SO MUCH has happened

Tue, 09 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

so much has happened that it's probably just better to put them all in categorical order instead of timeline.

work

a bunch of fucking bullshit. basically was de facto demoted because i advocated for myself and others to have fair pay & reasonable expectations. i'm ok with it, but it's still annoying. i'll just try to look for a new job asap.

one of our alters (anastasia) who is actually the main alter, or at least the center of the system, has work as a huge aspect of her personality. yesterday she found out that they had been under-counting her metrics for months, and then today even more so because they're changing the way the metrics for training are counted so we were being SEVERELY under-counted. she went on a rampage yesterday (which is... really not like her, so i guess final straw situation) & pretty much threw out everything we own that we purchased for ourselves. a few things survived. we told elias about it & he went out and got it from the trash bin... he's a keeper T_T

mother

she stopped talking to me bc she's a narcissist and i wasn't giving her attention. problem solved? not really honestly, because i still feel weird about the whole thing so it's not really resolved for me. trying to decide on what i want to do though...

health

i'm Deaf, so i've been pretty much solely focusing on learning ASL lately. elias and i take a class up in dallas twice a week (a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back... RIP.) i'm very clearly the most knowledgeable in class and can speak with decent enough "beginner fluency" i guess, i can hold normal conversations with people. so people have been looking to me to help teach them... but i'm def not a teacher hahaha i'm willing to sit next to people who are struggling but i am DEF not a teacher. the only reason i'm so far ahead of everyone else is because i practice like CRAZY because i actually have the impetus to practice like crazy haha. elias is hard of hearing but everyone else in the class is hearing besides one dude named mark who is hard of hearing/deaf (cochlear implants) who i think dropped out (i hope not!) the teacher is profoundly deaf though.

i am not profoundly deaf (yet), i can hear with my hearing aids and anything being beamed directly into my ears (like headphones/music etc.) trying to get ahead of it because my hearing is going pretty quickly at this point. at some point in the past few months i went from little d deaf to big D Deaf because of my integration into the community, learning ASL, etc. plus just holding the same culture and values and everything anyway.

it's been wonderful... like, holy shit. going to class the first time was a trip. i could actually talk to people. i was super outgoing because i could actually communicate. that's also part of the reason i'm learning so fast... it's allowing me to be able to communicate! our first class was "my name is X. nice to meet you." we had to go around saying this to everyone, and mark and i had a very brief conversation where i said i am deaf but i was nervous because there was a lot of people, and he said that i didn't need to be. whenever he passed behind me, instead of saying "excuse me", he tapped me on the shoulder

i almost started crying right then and there. this awesome inclusive environment, where the guy actually tapped me on the shoulder to let me know he was going behind me instead of saying "excuse me" where i wouldn't actually hear. i just... yeah. it was so relieving and nice and i just felt welcome for like, the first time in my life

but!! with my hearing getting worse, embarrassing stuff keeps happening. i need to really remember to wear my hearing aids whenever we go out. we went to ASL class last wednesday, and i thought that i wouldn't need them because i thought we were just going to class (and we don't voice in class.) we went to starbucks beforehand and someone was trying to ask if we were in line. all i heard is "are you" and thought it was a worker (due to how quick she was walking) saying "how are you" and i said "good, you?" and she gave me the nastiest look and moved past us. elias was like "she was saying are you in line" and i was like ok well i couldn't hear that.

in class, there were two occasions when i was trying to hear someone say something (because they weren't getting it across in sign.) on the first, i thought she was asking for how to say "language" because whenever she was saying "how do i sign?" she kept saying "how do i sign language?" and she told me out loud what she meant underneath her breath but i couldn't hear her. second occasion, someone was trying to ask if the sign for sun and shower are the same, but the teacher (and me apparently) weren't understanding, i thought she was asking about "sauna." i fingerspelled "sauna" to the teacher, and the teacher was like "oh" and started to explain sauna, and everyone else was like NOOOO! SUN!

elias looked over to me and was like "you're deaf too!" and i was like oh yeah. and now every time i go out i have to say "huh?" and have people repeat themselves constantly, if i don't have my hearing aids on. so i need to make it a habit of just wearing my hearing aids everywhere but to be honest, once i'm fluent enough in ASL, i'm just. not going to use english anymore. it doesn't work for me! and i don't mind being deaf!!

(i really need to go back to the ENT soon, but i keep putting it off, because i'm too nervous... ugh. i just know it's going to be way worse than it was before.)

mental health

regarding mental health, well i don't have enough time to go into that. just that my depression has been way worse and i've barely been coping lol. i changed my meds and hopefully that is going to help but yeah.

hobbies

i've just been a little goblin who is addicted to balatro. like, i literally CANNOT put it down. it being on the switch is super dangerous for me because i just carry the switch everywhere and play it like it's my full time job hahaha. other than that, well, most of my hobby stuff got thrown out, but i still do have a few more.

family

we got a new cat!!!

when we moved into our new house last summer there were a ton of stray cats in the neighborhood. makes sense, the neighbors are all nice and feed them all so they just kinda are collectively the community cats.

there is a kitten who is too sweet that we named snowball, didn’t adopt him though. he looked like he could handle himself and wasn’t super comfortable around humans (yet, probably)

but there were these two tabbies, one we called Fat Tabby and one was Skinny Tabby. fat tabby had an extremely fat face (but not body but the nickname had already stuck) and then Skinny Tabby was just his younger/kitten (probably female) counterpart

at one point we were putting out food for the cats, but the asshole dogs started eating it. like they are literally bullies and no one calls them out on it. they were fighting the cats on our front porch, so we stopped putting food out.

but Fat Tabby still came around and SCREAMED at like 10,000dB. we could hear him through the walls, with the windows shut lmao. so every time he screamed we would go out there and feed him specifically just to avoid the dogs. then he started doing it in the backyard. then he started learning our walking schedule for the dogs and would be out there screaming at 7am and 4pm every day, and we always got him food.

we sat outside with him one day and noticed that he had an injury. and another cat (mean black cat) was trying to approach all three of us slowly like he thought he was being sly. there was one of my shoes outside and when he got close enough elias threw the shoe towards him and he ran off. apparently thought this was his area but never came back after that.

Fat Tabby was super appreciative, in fact instead of in the backyard far away near the back fence, he started sleeping on our doorstep. we had some cardboard boxes out in the front that we were being lazy about getting rid of and he lived in there, used it as shelter when it was cold and raining.
yeah that lasted about a week before we just brought him inside lmao. brought him inside, quarantined him in my bathroom in case he had cooties and to let the animals get used to him and vice versa.

made a vet appointment and told them that his temporary name was Fat Tabby lol. then the next day we went out and got all the cat essentials. we bought a tag and were like “shit, we can’t just put Fat Tabby on the tag” so Elias googled celestial names and we came upon Maru. we had to go super quick too because we had an appointment super soon after, can’t remember what but we were already running late so we were like ok Maru it is
took him to the vet and he got a clean bill of health. the vet said he had a fat head because he was not neutered but his body was normal haha. we got him neutered ASAP, like a few days later. vet also said he was about a year and a half old.

he is still chilling in my bathroom, we got a zipper screen thing for the door so Evil and he can see each other. Maru is still trying to realize that not all cats are mean bullies, and Evil’s person is elias so he was freaking out whenever he saw him cuddling with him. they both seem to be getting over it. in the past few days Maru even started to play with some of his toys yay. he still screams at 10,000dB by the way but now he does it inside of the house, lmao. and we thought Evil (our other cat) was loud… Maru can see directly into my office and meow alllll day if he sees me and I am not paying attention to him.

Evil is pretty tsundere but Maru is just lovey to all humans. he loves everyone indiscriminately and 100% will constantly cuddle 24/7 if given the chance, so it’s hard to get a good picture of him lmao.

weight talk

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: sexual abuse/trauma, weight, eating disorders

venting about 600lb life

i really shouldn't be watching 600lb life in the throes of an eating disorder relapse but here we are

i have like, a love hate relationship with the show?

i love to see that the show seemingly goes out of its way to portray fat people in a way that seems to humanize them (at first at least.) they make it very clear from the beginning of the show how much their weight affects their ability to live a normal life and that it's primarily caused by trauma. almost everyone on the show has been traumatized at least once, most of them multiple times, many of them sexually abused

HOWEVER, dr now seems to do like, nothing with this information? the people on the show are always in need of some heavy therapy for their PTSD. but he just throws a pamphlet that says LOW CARB, HIGH PROTEIN, 1200 CALORIES A DAY at them and lists fruits and vegetables and to only eat three times a day and expects them to just... bootstraps themselves out of their eating disorder??? thanks it was useless. i would say 80% of people know why they're fat and a VLCD print out isn't going to help that much.

then he gets pissed off at them and blames them for not "wanting it enough" when they inevitably fail because this diet is just a bandaid for the underlying eating disorder? like dude this is the equivalent of printing a big ass smiley face on a piece of paper that says "don't worry, be happy!" and then telling a depressed person to look at it when they are sad and shocked pikachu when they relapse or never make progress in the first place

like, it makes me mad that the first thing that happens isn't immediate therapy. he only makes the people go to therapy like half the time, and usually 6+ months into their weight loss attempt, IF they are in danger of regaining lost weight (god forbid). otherwise he's just like "there's nothing else we can do for you, you don't want this enough"

i get that he wants to put them on VLCD to fix the immediate negative physical ramifications their weight is having, but can't he do that at the same time as therapy? he also only requires (provides?) one session a month. that is not nearly enough for people with trauma this extreme. the show i watched last night, the woman was sexually abused over her entire childhood and early adulthood by multiple unrelated people and incidents. you can't bootstrap yourself out of that!!

and the drive to houston is super problematic and sometimes straight up dangerous. instead of having them make the drive and sometimes move all together, he should really consider having them do local therapy or teletherapy for X sessions first.

ALSO, sometimes he sends over nutritionists. this should 100% be part of onboarding for every single person on the show, or at least be introduced a few months down the line regardless of their progress. most people on the show scoff at it and ignore it, but i saw an episode the other day where that was a major turning point for the lady because she genuinely didn't realize the stuff that she was eating was high calorie. she was extremely receptive (albeit somewhat embarrassed) and switched out all her stuff to low fat (read: low calorie) and... surprise! she started losing weight.

like, i also don't even know if i like that the show airs out all their trauma on live Tv. i'm almost certain it's a requirement to be in the show(and get free weight loss help) but a lot of people are like "i've never trips anyone this before" and now the whole world knows!!!

i feel like the implication is also that you can't be fat unless you have some "reason" to be, like overeating due to trauma. when like, you can have an ED that is not linked to trauma, and you can also be a big eater without trauma, and naturally big.

kinda feels to me like the entire show is dehumanizing and a sideshow type thing where people point and laugh because this person doesn't look like us "healthy" people, under the guise of "health." dr. now can be incredibly cruel and rude to the point of some of the rude things he says becoming memes- "why you eat so much?" with his face is a top selling magnet on red bubble for example. it's the same rhetoric that a lot of online concern trolls pill "i don't care about them eating, i just care about their health!!!!"

as an aside, i heard they pay people to shower on camera so every single episode starts with them showering on camera which is yucky. not yucky because of them showering but yucky because it feels like they paid vulnerable poor people to depict themselves in a way that dehumanizes them, with somehow also having a voice over of them talking about their trauma? and they seem to have no moral quandary about this. the entire show seems predatory to be honest and the time spent talking about their trauma is like 3min at the beginning and then it's instantly buried in the other hour and a half unless it's a direct plot point

dats all. peace

Ever again?

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:00:00 -0500

(I realized this journal is disturbingly without updates, so I decided to throw something on here. For those not up to speed: my mother has left her abuser of 15 years. I'm 21. My father got me when I was 11~12. If you do the math, you'll figure out my brother and I had to live with him for quite awhile, too.

By the way, I don't enjoy talking about this. It wasn't a 'relief' to get it all out. In fact, it made me physically sick to dwell on it enough to write it. But, these things need to be said.)

I just had a nightmare where Steve and I were little kids, running from Grandma's house because of the terror that is Tim. No matter how much we ran, we just couldn't get away. I think that is a good metaphor for the living hell we were put through as children.

Children don't get to choose where they live. They don't get the choice of running away-- they have to do what their parents say. And what do you do when all your parent wants is to stay with the abusive, terrorizing asshole, with seemingly no care or abandon for her children? Absolutely *nothing*. You can't do anything; you're a child! You're trapped in this world.

I feel like that dream was reminding me that it's not over yet, at least for my mom. It has been over for me since around 2001 or 2002, when dad got custody of us. Thankfully, he didn't take mom's advice and just "forget about the kids". If we hadn't have had him being proactive and taking custody, the nightmare wouldn't have ended until we were old enough to escape. It would have been a mandatory sentence to stay another six years-- something that I, personally, could not have taken.

I harbor a lot of bitterness and anger for my mother for putting us through this. I know she was blinded by abuse and alcohol, but that is no excuse for putting your children through it. We were human beings, something I think she forgot along the line. Even though we were young back then, we were forced to grow up at a disturbingly young age. Even the psychologist said it in those papers-- "They need to learn how to be kids and let their guard down".

It's not surprising that the psychologist would say something like this. We always had our guard up, because it was impossible to not be guarded when we lived with a terrorist. This is a man who thought it was okay to beat our mother up in front of us. A man who is obviously mentally unwell, for whatever reason (I really don't care why, honestly.)

Let me briefly tell you about one little night in what Steve and I had to come up with. I remember it well: it was towards the end of the nightmare, because we were living in Riverside, at the house that was on top of the garage. Steve and I sat in absolute fear as the terrorist chased our mother around the house with a crowbar. Our mother had hidden his gun from him, underneath his car seat, and I believe he was trying to figure out where his gun was.

Does this scream 'normal' childhood to anyone? Probably not. But the answer from us as kids probably would have been 'yes'-- This was our reality. I don't know why I remembered this night in specific, because they were pretty much all like that. Our reality was waking up every day and escaping to school, and then coming back home to someone who terrorized for fun. Even if we tried to hide away in our rooms, he would come and find us. Whether it was to bang on bongos, or to drag us out to the living room to listen to the blasting music, or try to get us to drink at age 10 or 11... We never got a moment of peace.

Unless we were with our dad.

Our dad was the only moment of peace that we were afforded. We could go over to his house and just get away from it all. He would take us to the movies or let us play games without worry. We wouldn't have to worry about him getting drunk and wreaking havoc. We could just worry about being kids, and for a minute, we could just be kids.

But then it was all over: once the few days were over, and we had to go back to that household-- back to being adults trapped in the bodies of children, back to putting our guard up and trying to tune things out.

Every negative thing that I am today, that terrorizing has made me: neurotic, lack of coping skills for small things, easily bothered, self-conscious, withdrawn, anti-social, depressed. I cannot stand even the littlest of things bothering me. I think I used up my entire lifetime's worth of "patience" and "tolerance" quota when I lived with tim and mom. Now that I'm an adult, little things get to me a disturbing amount.

All of these things are not a natural state of mind for a person. There's no doubt in my mind that going through that mental abuse while I was a child crafted me into that sort of person.

My father has always been supportive of my brother and I. We are very lucky to have someone who cares as much as he does.

My mother? She might have been blinded by the alcohol and the abuse, but in my mind, that does not absolve her of all responsibility for her actions. She kept us children in a negative and abusive environment. Not only that, but she personally thought it was okay to tell me that it was my fault she was in jail, my fault for everything. When my father wasn't the punching bag, I was.

Why? It doesn't make any sense to me. I have no regrets; I would never do anything differently. Am I sorry for "getting her arrested" at Van Andel Arena? Fuck no! Am I sorry for the "stairs incident"? Hell. No.

I was finally old enough to view and realize the world around me was fucked up, and I was a child doing what I could to get myself and my brother out of a really bad situation. I only have praise for my childhood self; miraculously, I was strong enough to defend myself. To sit in court and testify-- at the age of 11-- against the terrorist who had been living in our house for more than five years at that point... That takes a lot of strength.

All of this comes back to my first point... Children cannot do anything to get themselves out of that sort of situation. No matter how strong, no one is going to take a child seriously without an adult by their side. They need help. I'm eternally indebted to my father for providing that help when we needed it. I'm also indebted to all the social workers who helped us out when we were in need. That kind of help is making me consider going into social work.

But to my mother? I think I'm going to need a little more time to heal. When I was younger, before my mom and dad split up, I used to call her "mama". In my mind, that person, "mama", isn't here anymore.

"Mama" didn't drink and did her best to raise her kids in as positive an environment as possible. "Mama" was still a young mother, untainted by the physical and mental abuse of that terrorist. But... That person hasn't been here since 1995. I'm not sure if that person will ever be back.

Will mom ever be "mama" again? Time has yet to tell.

blah blah blah

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

I feel like ranting because... yeah, whatever, I guess. I know everyone's under a lot of pressure, so it feels a little selfish to be complaining, but I'm doing it anyway. I had a couple places that I could have posted this... tumblr is too open and I don't trust my personal diary not to shit out on me and lose important entries. SO. It's going here.

This isn't going to have any coherence or even relatively good transitions. I'm just rambling; I'm not trying to write a paper for English.

I've been having nightmares like crazy lately. Stuff about my mom mostly, but sometimes it's about other stuff. I don't know why, but it drives me batty.

I've been sleeping... so much. Ten, eleven hours a day. It feels kind of like I'm just sort of floating by. Or life is just passing me by. For the past week, I've set my alarm for certain times... and I've woke up about thirty minutes before every time I set my alarm for. Then I'll roll over, and adjust my alarm for another hour. Because of this, I've been way oversleeping.

Life just... slowly passes me by. I find enjoyment in very few things. I wish I could enjoy more things. Everything costs money, though. And I'm not good at anything that wouldn't cost me money. I'd kill to be able to draw well, but it seems that I'm horrible at seeing something and copying it, so I can't learn anatomy well. Singing... just reminds me of my FAAB status. Not to mention any singing projects I'm in love to say "girls" and trigger the shit out of me. And I don't want to say anything, 'cause I don't want to be a burden.

I used to enjoy H!P and stuff like that... But now? I just sort of. I don't even know why I follow it. I don't, really. I check the Hello!Online twitter every so often. It's never news that interests me. It's always rambling on about -group I don't care about is releasing a new single- or -person I don't care about is releasing a new photobook-. Even if I did care as much as I used to, I can't fully participate in the H!P experience because I simply don't have money. I can't wota it up because I'm broke.

All I have is... pirated games and music? Wow. Way to be, you fucking loser. Can't even support your favorite artists or developers. And when you had money, you pissed it away on a computer instead of mental health or physical health or something important. Good going.

I feel like I'm depressed, and no one even knows. I do a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time, but I feel down a lot. Pretty much constantly. I feel happy sometimes, but most of the time it's just washed away in sadness. I'm starting to wonder if I bring it upon myself... Or if I'm just being over dramatic.

My dad always is quick to remind me that I'm over dramatic. Whenever I ever complain about something, he says I'm being over dramatic. Yet he tries to say that he's there to listen to me...? Yeah, right. I don't even want to know his reaction when he finds out I'm trans. OMG ATTENTION HORE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He's fucking horrible for even pretending to care about my problems. If he doesn't consider them to be problems, it's easier to just ridicule me.

Sometimes, I just want to cry. Sometimes, I just want people to listen to me cry and tell me that I'm not over reacting. And I do have a few friends that do that for me.

But I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this... It's not my friends/family's fault. I feel if I talked to anyone, they would just tell me I was being over dramatic. I'm always feeling like a burden, but especially lately. I feel like I'm just an annoyance in everyone's life... and talking about my problems would just be more of an annoyance. I know it's probably not true, but whenever I talk to someone, I can practically feel their annoyance with me. Like, I'm just wasting their time. I wouldn't blame anyone if they felt that way, but constantly feeling like this is seriously taking a drain on me. I don't like even asking people questions because I feel like I'm wasting their time.

But when was the last time I had a hug? I can't even remember. Maybe six months ago, when I was moving out from my dad's at first?

I'm so flaky. I can't ever choose one thing or the other. I always do things for a little bit of time, and then I move on to something else. I couldn't even hold a job down for a month. And then I moved in with Amanda for a month, then I came back. I get interested in things and then I quickly lose interest. I'm jealous of people who can have interests for more than a month or two.

What makes me feel the worst is complaining about money problems-- especially when I know people have it worse. Just... It's about to get a lot worse now that Amanda doesn't have food stamps. That's all there is to it. This stupid fucking horrible country. I fucking hate it.

I feel so worthless right now. I have for the past few months. I feel like I'm tipping over the edge of desperation, and I don't even know why. I don't even have it that bad. I have friends and family that love me, a steady home, and I'm working on bettering myself in college. So why do I feel so helpless and useless? I don't want to sound emo-- well, you know what. Fuck it. This is my journal, and whoever doesn't like it can bite me. I'm just going to write what I want.

I feel like self-reflection brings a tidal wave of guilt and unhappiness. I realize how fucking useless I am, and how god damn insignificant my life is-- and it fucking sucks. I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is offering to help me out of this incoming tsunami of self-hatred and depression.

And it's not even their fault. My friends and family don't even know. I won't let them help me. When I was a child, I had to do everything for myself. I'm so used to doing everything for myself, I don't like seeking help. I always chant to myself, "I'll be okay. I'll be fine. It's not a big deal." It's like a fucking ritual with me. It's like I have too much pride to admit "I might not be fine. This might not be okay. The quality of my life is hurting and upsetting me."

I have trouble admitting when something is a big deal. I don't know why. If it's something someone did to me, it's probably because I don't want them to feel bad about it. If it's something that just happened, I don't want people to tell me I'm over reacting.

Maybe it's because I was always praised for being so mature when I was a kid. When I refused to get in the car when my mother was drunk (which consequently led to her arrest), people around me told me, "Wow. You are so mature." And a lot of people who knew what my childhood was like tell me that I am really strong and mature for not having anything wrong with me.

ALL THEY ARE DOING IS VALIDATING MY CHOICE TO HIDE MY MENTAL PROBLEMS. And I write this, and I know it's wrong to try to hide them. But somewhere, there's a disconnect. I blame it on lack of money, but when I had money, I didn't get help. Why? Maybe I like people thinking I'm strong. I'm just a weak, weak person that crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure. I don't want people to know that.

I think my hypersensitivity to things that some people can take (like the music blasting next door...) is actually because I'm depressed and hypersensitive.

I'm not even a little independent. And that is killing me, too. All I can do is drive by myself. Big fucking deal. I'm still sucking from my dad's paycheck for gas money. I'm still a fucking child, that's all I am.

I don't want to take these things out on the people around me. I feel that sometimes, I do. I don't want to. I just wish I knew exactly what was wrong.

I'm a negative, horrible person. I'm bossy and I'm bitchy. I'm nitpicky. I'm quick to tell someone to do something, but slow to do it myself. Which also makes me a hypocrite. I can practically feel people avoiding me so they don't get sucked into my vortex of negativity and depression. "No one wants to be around a negative person!" (Thanks for that complex, Supervision class.)

I just want to cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need help. Please, someone help me.

oh wow this is super late

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 11:00:00 -0600

I should check LJ more often. Still doing new years survey thingie. BECAUSE I WANT TO. JEEZ

2010

Name: Nathaniel
Screen name: vanillainfused/magneticdeath
Current location: Watervliet, Michigan
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Sign: Gemini [fuck yeah twins]

2010 In The Beginning......

Where did you ring in the New Year? Home
Who were you with? Think it was just me in 2010
Did you kiss anyone at midnight? ;_; no
Did you make any resolutions? No
If so did you keep them? lol

2010 Your Love Life....

Single/Taken? Taken~
How many relationships did you have? Just the one
How many break ups? None
How many people did you kiss? None

2010 Friends and Enemies......

Did you meet any new friends this year? Not really
Did any of your friendships end? They come and go
Did you dislike anyone? Yep
Did you get into any fights? Yeah
Did you make any new enemies? Dunno, probably not
Did you resolve any fights? Short-term ones
Who was your closest friend? Without a doubt it was/is Julie

2010....The Holidays!

Did you have a Valentine? See above question
Did the Easter bunny visit you? Dad is the easter bunny and he brings Easter chocolate cheer
Did watch fireworks on the 4th of July? No
Did you dress up for Halloween? Yeah, Hannibal. Lazy costume though, just the mask
What did you do for Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing
Did you receive what you wanted? Didn't really want much haha
Were you good this holiday season? I've been a very naughty boy~ (lol)

2010 Your BIRTHDAY!!!

How old did you turn? 20
Did you have a cake? No
What did you do for your birthday? Went out to eat
Did you have a party? No
Did you get any presents? Couple :D

2010......The Memories and Accomplishments!

Funniest Memory? I can't single one out...
Saddest Memory? Dunno if I've had something bad enough to say 'saddest'. Not like anyone died, right
Most Embarrassing Memory? I hardly get embarrassed anymore lol
Best Accomplishment? Beginning college (does that count), getting myself unafraid of driving, honors GPA

2010.....FAVORITES!

Favorite TV shows? The Office
Favorite songs? Master of Puppets by Metallica (same old same old)
Favorite bands? Metallica, anything H!P
Favorite food? Lasagna. 2010 was year of the lasagna. <3
Favorite stores? I don't shop that much
Favorite restaurants? Any really
Favorite piece of clothing? Bad ass t-shirts (vidya gaems, Metallica)

2010.....All about YOU....

Did you change at all this year? Yes
Did you dye your hair? Highlights
Did you get your hair cut? Yes (need a new one too)
Did you change your style? Yes
Were you in school? Yes
Did you have a job? For like two seconds
Did you drive? Yes!! And it's a huge accomplishment that I finally am not afraid anymore
Did you own a car? Yes, 1994 Mitsubishi Galant (Maroon)
Did you lose anyone this year? No
Did anyone close to you give birth? No
Did you move at all? No
Did you go on any vacations? Lol yeah right
Did you leave the country at all? No
Would you change anything about yourself now? Not really

2010.....Wrap Up.

Was 2010 a good year? Yes
Do you have any regrets? I think I did some stupid things, however, I don't regret because it's best to focus on the future rather than on the past
Did 2010 bring any new insights? Some...
Do you think 2011 will top 2010? Probably not, lol. Wake me up when 2012 rolls around~
Do you have any goals for 2011? Get an iPod touch (lol). Also cram as many classes as I can into each semester so I can get school done and over with
If you could relive any moment which would you choose? Don't really have a particular one
If you could forget any moment what would it be? Quite a few. Depression, arguments, etc.
Do you wish 2010 wouldn't end? No. Then I would *never* graduate
Do you plan to do anything special for NYE 2010? Oops. Didn't do anything anyway, lol

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
-College
-Bought *my own* car
-Moved out of my dad's (even though it only lasted like a month)
-Turned into not-a-teenager!
-Gambled at the casino
-Wore a binder
-Probably lots more, I just don't remember

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and no. I don't need the new year to have goals~

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
I'm going to have to ask your lazy ass to scroll up and read my previous answer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
lol u funny

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A dick. (Wishful thinking, yo)

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not a good 'dates' person

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Scroll up and read somewhere up there

9. What was your biggest failure?
Quitting my job. (but it led to college, so. not that bad)
Also being a jackass to Julie. Sorry bb

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My pool injury! Haha (a little cut i got playing pool). Nothing serious though

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my car. It's been the most useful at least.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Julie - Graduating HS and joining college
My dad - Got a job
Amanda - Switched her degree into something she will actually enjoy
Steve - Got a job (though he doesn't have one now)
There's probably more, just don't remember

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to list

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New MM members, getting lots of money in October 2010

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
4minute - HUH (the song Amanda was playing when 2010 ended)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened? happier- i'm actually doing something for my future (college)
ii. thinner or fatter? feel thinner, but in reality, the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably poorer because i'm actually in debt now. lol

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Having actual fun and not wasting time (but most of the time that requires money)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing. And studying (turns out I didn't need it)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I never really celebrate Christmas

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
You're like, 2 years late, survey

23. Any one-night stands?
Haha no

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office (again.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book you read?
Me, read books? u funnie

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Korean pop

28. What did you want and get?
Money lol

29. What did you want and not get?
flag in my arms hngggh

30. Favorite film of this year?
Saw too many to pick

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
20, went out to eat (already answered this too)

32. What kind of things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Lazy (as usual)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Koharu Kusumi, maybe. (you are missed from MM ;~;)

36. What political issues stirred you the most?
A bunch. Politics generally irritates me because people are stupid

37. Who do you miss?
Steve (actually seeing him rather than talking to him online)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet new people rly

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Sometimes you don't always know what you want, but everything will work out in the end

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
(lol)

The entry where I ramble on about crazy conspiracy theories

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0500

Every person who is a fan of H!P has their own crazy conspiracy theories. It’s impossible to be a fan without thinking that there’s something going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about. A big example of a recent one is “What happened to Goto? She just quit? She HAD to have motives. Maybe she wasn’t happy with the management. Maybe it was because of her brother. Maybe it was because she had a man.” Everyone has their own idea of why Goto quit, and theories about her coming back as well. Another big one I can think of is “Where is Aibon now and did she purposely sabotage her way out of H!P?”

But I’m not here to talk about those. I couldn’t care less to talk about those. This is the person in question for today:

Miki Fujimoto. She’s a very cunning woman, and I’d like to say I think she’s too cunning. I think she had a plan to get her solo career back this entire time.

Imagine being a young teenage girl who has a passion for singing and wants to break into the market (I know, hard to imagine, but bare with me). You’re pretty desperate. You notice that Morning Musume is having an audition very soon. So, you practice your favorite song over and over, and the day comes where you must audition. You do your best, but they don’t call you back for some time.

You’re understandably pretty depressed. Until one day, they call you back and tell you they want you to be a soloist! You’re psyched. You couldn’t ask for anything better. You give your 100% in every song, and get used to being a soloist. You put out a few singles, maybe an album, and catch on to the business very well. You’re on top of the world.

One day, Tsunku calls you and says he needs to have a meeting with you. He tells you that he thinks it would be a good idea right now for you to join Morning Musume. But… had you not been good enough to be a soloist?
You’re understandably pretty pissed off. But you know that if you don’t accept his offer, you’ll be fired. Although it’s taking a step back, you think this will only be temporary and will do better for your career in the long run. Tsunku knows best, right?

A year passes. Another year passes. 4 or 5 years have passed and it’s becoming glaringly obvious that Tsunku never meant for this to be a “temporary thing”. You start to formulate a plan. Tsunku put you in a group with your best friend and you want to join that permanently and quit Morning Musume. You wait it out, make sure that this group is going to be a permanent thing, and then, you make your move.

You call up a couple of paparazzi and make sure that everyone will see you with your boyfriend. When the news comes out in the papers, you act surprised and quickly resign. You know that H!P needs you, so this plan cannot fail.

You wait it out. Finally, Tsunku says that he wants you back in Hello!Project. He does you one better than your best-friend-duo. He offers you your solo career back! Great! Your plan has worked. Happily ever after.

Now, I would have nothing against Fujimoto doing this. The only thing that pisses me off is the exact same thing happened to Yaguchi, and we have yet to see anything but Uta Doki and a few MC performances from her. Definitely no single, definitely no album. Why the hell is Yaguchi being shafted while Fujimoto is being rewarded? Oh well. Tsunku’s mind works in mysterious (and sometimes faulty) ways. I guess there was just no demand for Yagucchan. ;__;

2007 Survey [it was a big year.]

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Drive around with only my brother!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year. I didn't think I needed to. This year, I think I may make "stop drinking pop"

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't know how close they are, but all my cousins are getting pregnant. Literally every girl from my 2nd cousin's family has gotten pregnant this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Whew.. not sure about next year though..

5. What countries did you visit?
Pff I wish I could visit other countries.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Less procrastination!! I want to be able to drive and get a job..

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 4, 2007-- the day I got my very own Xbox 360!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Quitting school. (I know it's weird, but I've been wanting to forever.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Procrastinating 6 months away.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Xbox 360 by far.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
None...?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? worried?
A lot of my friends'. Maybe I'm just pessimistic.

14. Where did most of ALL! your money go?
Xbox 360 + stuff.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Rock Band! Man I waited MONTHS for that thing.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Epic by Faith no more

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier, generally (though I had super pissy moments)
ii. thinner or fatter? the same amazingly.
iii. richer or poorer? depends on what you mean. If you mean physical money and possessions, I'd say the same. If you mean rich with happiness and good events, I'd say richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Getting out of the house...

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastination

20. How will you be spending did you spend Christmas?
...this question doesn't make sense.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes

23. How many one-night stands?
0, I'm a virgin ~_~

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
I got into Days of Our Lives for 2 seconds.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
I haven't read any. (Hey, don't get on me! I do all my learning online.)

27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
Ayu, which I had abandoned really.

28. What did you want and get?
Xbox 360

29. What did you want and not get?
Ayu's new album.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
There were a lot of good ones this year...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went out to eat and went shopping. I am 17. (Only one more year 'til the big one eight..)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Be able to meet him physically.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Same as every year-- do not care.

34. What kept you sane?
The people closest to me!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ayu, as every year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage. Had one too many debates about that this year.

37. Who did you miss?
Amanda! She moved.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Dale..

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
Material possessions are shit. All you really need is love.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
.. I don't even know. D:

"Whatever Dad, I don't even care." means that.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I know I'm going to sound seriously like a spoiled bitch in this post. But what do I really care. I don't. I just have to get my feelings out.

My dad's a pretty manly man, and to see him cry (or at least hear him sniffling, I couldn't bring myself to look over) is pretty upsetting. I thought he just had a cold until he started to talk and his voice cracked. He said something like this:

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

Yes, now that makes me look horrible. But you have to know the rest of the story, really.

I've been wanting the game Rock Band for a good 7 months. No joke. I have never wanted anything more, video game or otherwise. That's all I've been thinking about. I've been dreaming about the fucking thing. I played it at Best Buy and I wanted it even more. Dad continued to reassure me that, "it'll be fine", "we'll get it", getting my hopes up and everything.

But it's easy to fucking talk when the release date isn't 3 weeks away, isn't it!

Now, I know we've been having a hard time. Both our cars are broken and Dad has to buy new parts. I understand that completely. But I've been hearing rumors that it's going to be hard to get it if you don't get it on the release date, and you'll have to wait until Christmas or maybe even worse.

So, I wasn't about to make Dad go out and buy it. No fucking way, no fucking how. I was pretty depressed, until I came up with a plan that I thought everyone could relate to: Gramma preorders, buys it on the release date, and Dad can pay her back at his will. It's good for Dad because he can pay it back when he feels comfortable that we have extra money. It's good for Gramma because I'm not going to ask for anything for Christmas and all she has to do is this one favor. It's good for me because I get the game that I want for Christmas on the day it releases.

I asked Dad yesterday if this sounded okay, not keeping anything from him and telling him exactly what I planned to tell Gramma. He said "That sounds like a good idea, go ahead and call her when we get home." Great, okay, I'll be able to get it on the release date.

But apparently, Dad is PMSing today.

I sent an email to Gramma yesterday about it, and then she called me back today. My email included buying it online because I thought that would be most convenient for her. But she thought that it would be better to go into Best Buy and preorder, then pick it up and pay for it later, so everything can be done locally. I insist that she talks to Dad because I figure Dad wants to hear everything and wants to make sure that everything is okay.

He goes bat shit insane.

He starts talking about how we don't have any money right now, how I "just can't wait" for it, and making me look like a bad person who didn't even ask him about the whole thing. Basically trash talking me to my own gramma after I told her I had asked him and all. And I did, unless I somehow magically dreamt up asking him (pretty sure I didn't). He hangs up, angry with Gramma, goes into the bathroom pissed and crying or whatever, then comes out and grabs the box of games, walking out the door saying,

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

I NEVER fucking ask for anything. Ever. The last thing I asked for something was March 2007 when I asked for the Xbox 360. That means for 9 months, I've just been quiet and happy with what I had. Even when my Guitar Hero II was broken, I didn't ask for it to be replaced. I've just been happy with what I have.

But when I finally fucking ask for one thing (especially so near Christmas) and come up with a plan that I can get it, Dad goes fucking batshit insane.

You know what, Dad? Your fucking PMSing is causing me physical pain because I'm so upset and your mood swings aren't welcome around me. If I knew that this game would bring SO MUCH fucking turmoil to us, then I would have never even paid any attention to it.

When he walked out the door, I said, "Whatever, Dad, I don't even care. I don't even want it now." And that's the truth, because no amount of physical pain or emotional turmoil is worth some stupid fucking game, no matter how good it is.

I'm going to bed (even though I just woke up). Fuck it.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M GOING TO BE UP OR GET ONLINE, IF EVER SOON.

Right now I just feel like crawling in a hole and dying.

Writing Prompts

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to start using writing prompts again because I fail hardcore at updating if I don't. I'm using the prompts from the first page I got from googling: this one. I'll try to update daily, which should last me awhile. I refuse to do stupid ones though, like "WHAT IF THE COWS GAVE ROOTBEER INSTEAD LULS."

First prompt: "What is something you dislike about yourself?"

The #1 thing would have to be my lack of friends and the REASON I lack friends. I know perfectly well why I lack friends, I've attempted to change it, and I can't. This is just the way I am. (I started thinking about this when I was talking to Matt about it the other day.)

The only reason I lack friends is the plain and simple fact that I am bipolar. If all you out there in LJ land don't know what bipolar is I suggest you read the Wikipedia article but here's the condensed version: people who are bipolar go through "stages" of moods. I'll paraphrase.

Stage I: "Depressive phase" (aka "Bad Days"): Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, shyness, chronic pain (with or without a known cause)*, lack of motivation

* most of the time the chronic pain is in my stomach, I'll feel weak to my stomach for no apparent reason

Stage II: "Mania" (aka "Really Good Days"): Rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, increased interest in goal-directed activities, more severe version of Stage III

Stage III: "Hypomania" (aka "Good Days"): An uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny, 'artistic' state, flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, obsessional behavior, ability to improvise easily on the spot, increase in subconscious movement*, excessive sexual activity, increased self-esteem, being more talkative than usual or feeling pressure from within the thought process to keep talking (i.e., cannot stop until the story is done)

* usually biting my nails

Stage IV: "Mixed State" (aka "Really Bad Days"): A condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously. Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted.

When I'm in a Stage VI mood, I will snap at people randomly, feel guilty later, cry randomly, snap again, have hot flashes because of random anxiety, etc. That's just the way I am and hell if I'll take medication to stop it. Also, if you're curious, today is a Stage III for me. Yesterday was Stage II.

Why the point of this? To explain why I don't have friends, naturally: when someone catches me in a bad mood, I go OFF on them. Normally what happens...

1) I get pissed off because of some small little minuscule thing that others wouldn't even notice.
2) Go off on my current target. It may not have been who caused it, most likely it's one of my really good friends, usually I bitch about it to them but occasionally my "target" is a friend that I don't really consider to be really a good friend, but because they caused the problem I go off on them.
3) Anger lasts 10 minutes, but in those 10 minutes I say something EXTREMELY stupid. Because I'm prideful I refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that I did anything wrong.
4) Somewhat-good-friend either takes this and understands how I am (becoming a good friend) or stops talking to me so often, and stops being my friend.

Believe it or not, 96% of people land in the last group, the people who know I'll do it again and prefer not to be stressed out by my bitchiness. The only two people that I know who have really been able to "accept" that I do this is Matt and Amanda. Dale is not one of those people because whenever I get angry I deliberately direct it away from him, because I'm afraid that if I do that too often he'll stop liking me.

The people who are my really good friends have learned that I do this and can get past it anyway. And I'm glad that they can, because this is my major flaw and what keeps people away from me. That and the fact that I'm a "loner"-- I genuinely prefer my own company and rarely talk to anyone (usually it's others talking to me, and usually it's unwelcome, at least at school).

Matt said the reason he doesn't mind it is because he knows I'm not that way all the time, and that I can be awesome when I'm not angry or sad. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..

[edit] My brother just got a leopard gecko and sent me a frantic message to help him on xbox because he thinks his gecko is sick. I gave him all the tips I could and he's still worried, and it makes me really heartsick and almost makes me wanna cry because he's so worried about it. He even has a little coconut for the gecko to go in when he has to shed. He's been really considering hard a gecko and researched it, and I am going to be really pissed/sad if the gecko is sick. I'll probably cry, hell, I almost am right now.

stupid mom

Mon, 29 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 10:32 pm.
This isn't fair. I'm happy for the Nicest Person In The World, Yuna, but it isn't fair that she has a paid account.
I'm steamed.
I've been wanting a paid account forever now!

Time: 9:52 pm.
Okay, time to YELL AND SCREAM!
If you don't like swearing, don't read on.
GRR! When it was my birthday, I got .. about 5 comments wishing me happy birthday. My mother didn't even come to see me on my birthday! And Yuna gets a million and one comments on her lj! And even a present! You know how bad I felt when my mother didn't visit me on my birthday? You know how even worse I felt when I didn't get barely any recognition!! yer_own_names doesn't barely recognise me either.
I always do things around my house and no one ever gives me anything.
WHY?
I've been through so0 much shit in my life you people don't even know! By the time I was 12, my parents had devorced, I had to go to Child Protective Services, and I had to testify in court!
How does THAT sound? Hmm? I'm not all peaches and cream like I look and sound!
This isn't fair! But I know at least one person is going to comment : "Hun, life isn't fair." You know what? To that person who comments that: FUCK OFF!
You know what? To the world: FUCK OFF!
To my mom: FUCK OFF!
To the people who can't recognise: FUCK OFF!
Everyone whos been through shit in their lives would know where I'm coming from. I used to cry and cry myself to sleep every night! How do you think I felt when my mom got arrested on my brothers birthday? How do you think I felt livin in the heights! Those damned people poisoned our dog and killed him!
My moms boyfriend (now husband) is really REALLY abusive! But lucky I'm living at my dads. But it doesn't matter, I fight with my dad too!
Why can't anyone understand where I'm coming from? It makes me super depressed.
I'm not going to kill myself.
I can live on.
I always go through this shit.
I am strong.
But am I strong enough to live through this? Should I see counsiling? I've already had to see counsiling because of my mom. Whats up with that? My moms a drunk, and so is her husband. Whats up with that? My dad still has child support coming out of his check going to my mom when my moms not supporting us: he is. Whats up with that?
The world can be incredibaly cruel! Whats up with that?
I feel like crawling in bed. ._.
I've already given myself a headache.
And another thing: we're very poor! My dad keeps saying "As soon as we start getting money..." but I know thats NEVER going to happen! We will always be poor!
I'll probably die from lack of food!
So whats up with that?
.....Why? Theres so much I want to say.. yet lack the words to say it.
And another thing: I haven't even had a crush or boyfriend! And I'm 12! I must be a weirdo or something!
I know I'm a weirdo.
......
What about my moms boyfriend with his 9mm and his crowbar? What about him beating up my mom and I?
What about me going to 14 different schools?
What about me moving 10 times?
What about me always losing my friends when I move?
What about me, always alone because of my life?
What about me, the loner, the weird girl no one wants to talk to?
What about all the people that have suffered?
What about those rich snobs who think they're all that?
What about those people who can get whatever they want, whenever they want?
What about all of those lies that my mom told me to shut me up?
What about my car? Wheres my brand new car that I was promised?
What about that $100 a week my dads paying to my mom for "supporting us", when he is?
What about the FUCKING people who think they've got it bad, when they've really got it easy?
Where's my "happy birthday!"?
Where the fuck did my "happy birthday!" go?!
WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKIN BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT I NEVER GOT?!
What about my brother and I sitting in that child protective area, waiting for our gramma to come?
What about all those tears I cried when my mom said I got her arrested?
What about me being beat?
What about it all?
What about the mom that I never had.. the mom that wasn't there..?

Time: 7:55 pm.
Bored. Another layout change.