Gaming on needing.space

elias bday celebration

Sat, 07 Feb 2026 11:00:00 -0600

today was so fun! we went to round 1 in the grapevine mall. lots of claw machines (I even won them a little cinnamoroll dressed as kuromi) and lots of rhythm games. then we walked around the mall, then went to Japan house which has high quality all you can eat sushi for a very reasonable price ($33/person). it was very very fun today.

well, I hope I can get over feeling so anxious about my job. I quit the BHU due to some stuff I won't go into here. we are going to go back to school and deciding what for. looking into potentially a MA and/or PhD in forensic psychology...

new volunteer position!!!

Wed, 14 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

so on Tuesday (yesterday), i had orientation at the new hospital i'm working at. i stopped by the gift shop for a drink. i had already been thinking about volunteering at the hospital - they have an organization called Sunshine Guild and i really wanted to volunteer but i didn't know who to go to about more information. they were supposed to show us the gift shop and volunteer opportunities during orientation day but sadly it was closed for the day bc orientation ran so late!

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

Thu, 17 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

this journal

there's no way I'm ever going to get this journal completely done if i keep uncovering old blogs and journals. I don't really think i realized exactly how prolific I am. I'm all over the damn internet. i just found an old random alt deviantart account i had that has a bunch of journals still available on there. help...the admin at pagecord, olly, was kind enough to help me import all the dreamwidth entries though at least (whew.) and then wrote a really nice blog entry about it :) thank you olly! customer for life right here.

i may or may not (definitely did) write a reddit post over on /r/digitaljournaling suggesting that people check out pagecord as well. I just randomly stumbled upon it; I believe that the admin of hey.com wrote an article about it…? I already forget. the search engine kagi is really good about unearthing more underground articles like that. i’m about to quit my job in a few weeks, and i told e that i refuse to stop paying for kagi haha. that’s one of those necessary subscriptions for me. google is just such a shithole at this point for so many reasons.

ruminating on stupid stuff

Sun, 18 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Alisia,

another day. another nothing to note. you are playing expedition 32. rip robert pattinson.

had a good nap. worked a little bit, yay overtime. worked on the zhegao ship build, about 1/3 of the way through.

i was moody today, but you took it in stride. so, thank you. i have just been ruminating on stupid stuff. worried about you. and everything. im not much of the anxious type. maybe everything is starting to even affect me. weirdly. i dont know. im sure i will get over it. sooner than later.

cutting my phone time down has been a godsend

Wed, 14 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Things of note for today:

Therapy went well
Got an email back from Junebrain, a place we applied for a job. That almost never happens
Elias finally scheduled your first ketamine therapy appt! June 3. Super exciting
Actually had enough energy today to clean/organize bathroom, put up clothes, and build the two remaining shelves. Yay.
Got in a cute new case for my TCL Flip 2
Ate more of the delicious homemade lemon cheesecake ♡
Cooked some random recipe I just made up (taco noodles) and it came out really good
Overtime approved for 6 hr/wk again, and now we can work weekends! Yay again
Way ahead of schedule on work.

Honestly, I think not really using my smartphone at the moment is making me more productive. Because what else am I going to do?? There’s no reddit doomscrolling crutch to pass the time. I think not being exposed to that constant negativity has been helping, too. I still use my phone to text at work more often than I would like, but I am working on breaking that habit as well.

super grateful for easy days like this

Sat, 10 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

not much going on this weekend. yesterday we hung out together at walmart and had sushi in corsicana. today, just very sleepy. watched jerma, played video games. easy day.

i am super grateful for easy days like this. cortney sent some pics of soren from vacation. super cute. too cute.

tomorrow is mothers day which is always hard. just going to pretend i don’t know it’s that day. oh well.

I'm only writing this to check off the Habitica task

Mon, 15 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

This weekend was pretty nice. My friend Kendrick came over to help us out with yard work. Of course, he tried to ask for way less money than he actually deserved, so we gave him more than that. I was out there hauling the wood with him and talking with him for several hours. I told him that we wanted to go fishing with him and his wife, and he told his wife, and they both got super excited. They were especially excited that I had never been fishing before.

I was going to go to Deaf Night Out, but after talking to Kendrick for four hours, my social battery was drained. He is a very nice person, but he is one of those people that just talks for four hours straight. I love hearing about his life, stories, etc, but I didn't have much energy to go drive 2 hours, meet new people, then drive 2 hours back. Especially since Deaf social events tend to be fairly lengthy.

Kendrick did put up a fence for us though, so we can finally just let the dogs out without needing to have them on leashes. It's been about eight months of us only leash walking them in the backyard, so it was super refreshing to be able to just let them run around-- for us AND the dogs. They didn't really like being confined to being chained to us, and they're allowed to roam around more when they're just out in the backyard. Elias and I pulled the outdoor chairs out of the closet and just sat outside for a while. It's actually a decent temperature right now, but since we live in Texas, it's a very short window of decent weather. I'm trying to be outside as much as possible because of that. Every time I let the dogs out, I pull the chair back outside and sit down and watch them.

Other than that, we didn't really do much this weekend. Elias has gotten very heavily addicted to Diablo IV, which is good, because I've been very heavily addicted to Balatro. So we end up just spending a lot of time playing video games while sitting next to each other. It's still a form of spending time together, even though some people might not think so, ahaha.

As for my personal hobbies, still just mostly doing the pirating thing. Can't focus at work, so I usually end up getting distracted with that. I also started using Habitica which is somewhat helping keep me on task but isn't really powerful enough to handle my full ADHD brain. We also installed Debian, which is making a lot of the things we do easier and quicker. Whoever said Linux was more complicated than Windows hasn't actually used Linux, because you can just install things instantly from the command line, and there is mountains of FOSS software on here.

I have therapy tomorrow. I do not want to go to therapy tomorrow. Thinking about it is giving me a headache. Ah, well.

ETA: I fixed up the host's website [adoration.me](https://adoration.me) because it is extremely sloppy and tends to make typos everywhere. The Spotify link is also now working.

ughhhhh

Fri, 12 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

ASL class was canceled wednesday which made us really depressed. we ordered take-out though. so that helped.

our power went out last night for half the house--happened when i was trying to microwave food. fortunately/unfortunately it was the non-essential but fun stuff that went out (TV, video games) and not the essential but boring stuff (home offices.) so we can still work but we can't play video games or watch TV on the good tv. we have our bedroom tv but it's really tiny and laggy, i want to upgrade it at some point, because 720p is unacceptable in 2024 when 1080p is the standard and can be purchased for really cheap, but it hasn't been a big priority because we don't watch tv in there very often

we just bought solar a month or two back, and whenever we went outside to flip the breakers, the ancient butthead dude from next door came over yelling stuff like WOW YOU REALLY GOT SCAMMED ON SOLAR, DO YOU HAVE TWO BILLS, WHAT ARE YOUR AVERAGE BILLS, YOU MUST BE PAYING A LOT and we were just like. no, it's much cheaper than it was before, it's one bill, and the average is none of your business. we carefully considered our decision and our main reasons were

1. we don't want to pay for electricity for the rest of our lives
2. we actually give a shit about the environment
3. the grid in texas is totally screwed and being off the grid is good for everyone

i didn't explain that to him because he wasn't owed an explanation! but writing all this reminded me to switch over our electric, so i'm good with that

anyway, elias and i both had meltdowns last night, anastasia fronted and helped them out, then we just ended up ordering out again because we don't have groceries, because when i tried to pick them up on tuesday it was ridiculously flooded (they were even blocking areas off) so i had to turn around--see the video i took: [www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq...](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq3N74U3pF0)

had to turn around, couldn't keep going, there's a reason the phrase "turn around don't drown" is so popular in this area of texas

i don't really think much else has happened, i'm not too invested in the electric being out because i can just watch tv in the bedroom or play on the switch which i usually do anyway, but we do need to get it fixed, elias is wanting to use our tax returns to upgrade the system as well, which i don't want to do

DID

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

btw i saw someone on here talk about DID and kinda forgot that other people have DID... even though both me and my husband have it... LMAO.

i don't really talk about it much because like, whenever i do, no one seems to give a shit 🥴. except for other systems lmao.

i am also kinda judgy because i think The Children (esp tiktok lmfao) have started to warp what it means to have DID into like, a fun little role playing game instead of something that comes from severe childhood trauma.

so like, i try to keep myself away from the Internet Community for DID. honestly it's a miracle that i met hubs who also has DID cuz i do try to stay away from the online DID comm. but i'm trying to find rational people with DID to connect with.

feels like trying to find a diamond in a coal mine most of the time... but yeah. ughhhh.

ANYWAY! all that to say if y'all want to hear anything about my experience with DID, my alters etc feel free to ask. otherwise like, i likely won't focus this journal much on that experience (even though it literally colors my entire life lmao)

Halloween Was Amazing

Thu, 31 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Halloween was amazing. So lucky to have such good friends. And I am playing a lot of girls game.

"Describe something you've bought in the past month"

Fri, 26 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0500

My cat was kicking litter everywhere, so I had to buy him a top for his litter box. The rest of my discretionary spending has been on shitty mobile games and food. I guess that pretty much explains me as a person, aha. I've had an obscene amount of Starbucks which is precisely why I've gained a few pounds, but. I'm back to the gym and going to try to get into the habit of walking to and from work again every day.

size medium suck that universe

Sun, 11 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

today we went to see game night but ended up seein black panther instead cuz game night was messed up. it was good anyways.

aint wantin to go back to work cuz had a 3 day weekend but whatever. we will figure it out when we fukin get back

hit 191 for our weight + hopefully that shit will fukin have us satisfied for a few weeks. hopin to be around ~187 by the end of march

I Don't Want Your Help, Therapist

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I’m using the hosts handwriting for anonymity.

Many months have passed since this has been updated, and I don’t think it matters. Life updates don’t mean anything. A dog. Weight Watchers. A hurricane. Nothing important. Things to pass the time. Nothing more or less.

I feel so tired and maybe stuck in some perverse cycle of remembering and forgetting. I wish I was blessed enough to just forget and not remember. The flashbacks are getting tiring in a way they never were before. There is too much and too little detail all at the same time. Sensory things with no emotions and all emotions attached at the same time - some weird paradox that is an exhausting loop. I wish I had the brother’s ability to just forget, but I guess that comes with a complimentary drinking problem, and life in a confusing blur of emotions that are even more unprocessed than ours somehow

this weekend [karaoke bar, VTG convention, shopping with the mom]

Sun, 23 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

going to the karaoke bar tonight. it's kind of expensive but always fun and worth the money. i like spending money on experiences and that's how i think of it as rather than just alcohol. i hate drinking at home personally

apparently afterwards i ordered pizza and tried to get online

saturday was the VTG convention.

from the mood app around noon: "played the cup game, ddr (and got picture taken), guitar hero, monopoly, deal or no deal, galaga, the light pushing game, broken wheel of forture, the trivia game. ate brisket...."

here's some pics

soul creatures performance

krisp and batter was decent, but overpriced, for what it was, we will have to remember to avoid it in the future

metallica dream

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 12:00:00 -0500

i'm leaving soon but i just wanted to write down my dream before i did

lars ulrich (drummer from metallica) and i were really good friends as preteens/teens. it showed a scene of how we met, which was basically my parents (who were together-- wtf?) left me on a dock somewhere and were like WE'LL COME BACK LATER TO GET YOU.

i must have seemed upset because i sat down on the side of the dock alone and looked out into the water and rested my hands in my lap. then little lars (he was my age) came up to me and sat down next to me. i think we were speaking danish? and he said "what's wrong?" and i explained that my parents left. so we talked for some time. for some reason, he asked if i went to bars around here (?? maybe because denmark has a young legal drinking age idefk) and i said no.

so anyway after that there were quick scenes of us becoming good friends and growing up together. then one day he said he had to go to america, and i was still in denmark so i couldn't go with him and for some reason my parents were never around and were poor so. he left, became famous, formed metallica, etc.

fast forward to years later, when i'm like 18 or 19. there were a bunch of girls in a room, and we were all sitting on a circular sofa. everyone was jabbering away. and then i looked up and there was like, a poster for what we were doing? it was a bachelorette type show to win lars ulrich's affections, i think. i don't know if we were supposed to be winning his platonic or romantic affections because for some reason in the entire dream it felt like he was gay, but everyone in the room was a woman.

i was sitting next to sem and holding her hand and it was pretty clear that we were together. a girl i knew from high school named ashley kept taunting me and calling me a slut/whore and finally i got fed up and looked over to her, readjusted myself, and said

"you're lucky."

and she asked why, and i responded

"i would tear you to intellectual shreds, but it would be a total waste of time. judging from your manner of carrying yourself and your uninspired, repetitive insults, someone already got to it before me."

then she shut up. and i think there was a girl who was known for mind reading/having esp because she came up to me with lots of beads and looked like a hippy and was like i CaN ReAd yOuR MiNd! and i responded

"no shit, i'm more open than oprah's legs after a bowl of non-fat ice cream" (???)

so anyway then lars walks in and everyone is just trying to get his affection by being like I HAVE SUCH AND SUCH INTERESTS like they studied him or something and were trying to copy him. it was clear that i didn't really want to be there, but for some reason i wanted to win the game?? probably just because i don't like losing. at the end he walked out and he gave me one last glance before shutting the door and letting everyone start yammering at each other again

and then my alarm clock woke me up

Ever again?

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:00:00 -0500

(I realized this journal is disturbingly without updates, so I decided to throw something on here. For those not up to speed: my mother has left her abuser of 15 years. I'm 21. My father got me when I was 11~12. If you do the math, you'll figure out my brother and I had to live with him for quite awhile, too.

By the way, I don't enjoy talking about this. It wasn't a 'relief' to get it all out. In fact, it made me physically sick to dwell on it enough to write it. But, these things need to be said.)

I just had a nightmare where Steve and I were little kids, running from Grandma's house because of the terror that is Tim. No matter how much we ran, we just couldn't get away. I think that is a good metaphor for the living hell we were put through as children.

Children don't get to choose where they live. They don't get the choice of running away-- they have to do what their parents say. And what do you do when all your parent wants is to stay with the abusive, terrorizing asshole, with seemingly no care or abandon for her children? Absolutely *nothing*. You can't do anything; you're a child! You're trapped in this world.

I feel like that dream was reminding me that it's not over yet, at least for my mom. It has been over for me since around 2001 or 2002, when dad got custody of us. Thankfully, he didn't take mom's advice and just "forget about the kids". If we hadn't have had him being proactive and taking custody, the nightmare wouldn't have ended until we were old enough to escape. It would have been a mandatory sentence to stay another six years-- something that I, personally, could not have taken.

I harbor a lot of bitterness and anger for my mother for putting us through this. I know she was blinded by abuse and alcohol, but that is no excuse for putting your children through it. We were human beings, something I think she forgot along the line. Even though we were young back then, we were forced to grow up at a disturbingly young age. Even the psychologist said it in those papers-- "They need to learn how to be kids and let their guard down".

It's not surprising that the psychologist would say something like this. We always had our guard up, because it was impossible to not be guarded when we lived with a terrorist. This is a man who thought it was okay to beat our mother up in front of us. A man who is obviously mentally unwell, for whatever reason (I really don't care why, honestly.)

Let me briefly tell you about one little night in what Steve and I had to come up with. I remember it well: it was towards the end of the nightmare, because we were living in Riverside, at the house that was on top of the garage. Steve and I sat in absolute fear as the terrorist chased our mother around the house with a crowbar. Our mother had hidden his gun from him, underneath his car seat, and I believe he was trying to figure out where his gun was.

Does this scream 'normal' childhood to anyone? Probably not. But the answer from us as kids probably would have been 'yes'-- This was our reality. I don't know why I remembered this night in specific, because they were pretty much all like that. Our reality was waking up every day and escaping to school, and then coming back home to someone who terrorized for fun. Even if we tried to hide away in our rooms, he would come and find us. Whether it was to bang on bongos, or to drag us out to the living room to listen to the blasting music, or try to get us to drink at age 10 or 11... We never got a moment of peace.

Unless we were with our dad.

Our dad was the only moment of peace that we were afforded. We could go over to his house and just get away from it all. He would take us to the movies or let us play games without worry. We wouldn't have to worry about him getting drunk and wreaking havoc. We could just worry about being kids, and for a minute, we could just be kids.

But then it was all over: once the few days were over, and we had to go back to that household-- back to being adults trapped in the bodies of children, back to putting our guard up and trying to tune things out.

Every negative thing that I am today, that terrorizing has made me: neurotic, lack of coping skills for small things, easily bothered, self-conscious, withdrawn, anti-social, depressed. I cannot stand even the littlest of things bothering me. I think I used up my entire lifetime's worth of "patience" and "tolerance" quota when I lived with tim and mom. Now that I'm an adult, little things get to me a disturbing amount.

All of these things are not a natural state of mind for a person. There's no doubt in my mind that going through that mental abuse while I was a child crafted me into that sort of person.

My father has always been supportive of my brother and I. We are very lucky to have someone who cares as much as he does.

My mother? She might have been blinded by the alcohol and the abuse, but in my mind, that does not absolve her of all responsibility for her actions. She kept us children in a negative and abusive environment. Not only that, but she personally thought it was okay to tell me that it was my fault she was in jail, my fault for everything. When my father wasn't the punching bag, I was.

Why? It doesn't make any sense to me. I have no regrets; I would never do anything differently. Am I sorry for "getting her arrested" at Van Andel Arena? Fuck no! Am I sorry for the "stairs incident"? Hell. No.

I was finally old enough to view and realize the world around me was fucked up, and I was a child doing what I could to get myself and my brother out of a really bad situation. I only have praise for my childhood self; miraculously, I was strong enough to defend myself. To sit in court and testify-- at the age of 11-- against the terrorist who had been living in our house for more than five years at that point... That takes a lot of strength.

All of this comes back to my first point... Children cannot do anything to get themselves out of that sort of situation. No matter how strong, no one is going to take a child seriously without an adult by their side. They need help. I'm eternally indebted to my father for providing that help when we needed it. I'm also indebted to all the social workers who helped us out when we were in need. That kind of help is making me consider going into social work.

But to my mother? I think I'm going to need a little more time to heal. When I was younger, before my mom and dad split up, I used to call her "mama". In my mind, that person, "mama", isn't here anymore.

"Mama" didn't drink and did her best to raise her kids in as positive an environment as possible. "Mama" was still a young mother, untainted by the physical and mental abuse of that terrorist. But... That person hasn't been here since 1995. I'm not sure if that person will ever be back.

Will mom ever be "mama" again? Time has yet to tell.

Using L inux

Tue, 24 May 2011 12:00:00 -0500

Lately, I've been using Linux. I haven't been using the noob versions either (Ubuntu, Mint). Actually, I've been using a version that is half noob, half not. It's called Crunchbang Linux. It's pretty much a Debian mod. I thought about installing Debian, but I wanted a faster distro for my laptop, so I installed Crunchbang instead.

It's really cool. I've been taking baby steps towards actually learning how to use Linux rather than just relying on a GUI interface to edit everything. What's cool about Crunchbang is that everything is customizable through basic code. I can customize the taskbar completely, whatever color I want, whatever borders, font, etc. The shell/launcher is where I open up all the programs, and that is fully customizable as well. As someone who loves customization, it's working out great.

It isn't all hand-holding and GUI though. There's also some terminal stuff that is required. I've never seriously used a terminal before I installed Crunchbang. It requires you to use the terminal to update or use a lot of Linux programs. The biggest hurdle I found was trying to install a gelbooru downloader (this one, if anyone's interested). It's entirely command-line based, which was new for me. Everyone has to start somewhere though. I used a guide to help me get it running and I felt really accomplished after I'd finished.

I only have two complaints

Taskbar buttons don't blink, so I had to edit IM windows to steal focus every time I get an incoming IM.
Battery life is dismal compared to Windows 7.

Besides those two issues, it works fine for what I use my laptop for-- browsing the internet, occasionally editing pictures, talking on IM, etc. I will never change my desktop from Windows 7 however. I need games on there!

blah blah blah

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

I feel like ranting because... yeah, whatever, I guess. I know everyone's under a lot of pressure, so it feels a little selfish to be complaining, but I'm doing it anyway. I had a couple places that I could have posted this... tumblr is too open and I don't trust my personal diary not to shit out on me and lose important entries. SO. It's going here.

This isn't going to have any coherence or even relatively good transitions. I'm just rambling; I'm not trying to write a paper for English.

I've been having nightmares like crazy lately. Stuff about my mom mostly, but sometimes it's about other stuff. I don't know why, but it drives me batty.

I've been sleeping... so much. Ten, eleven hours a day. It feels kind of like I'm just sort of floating by. Or life is just passing me by. For the past week, I've set my alarm for certain times... and I've woke up about thirty minutes before every time I set my alarm for. Then I'll roll over, and adjust my alarm for another hour. Because of this, I've been way oversleeping.

Life just... slowly passes me by. I find enjoyment in very few things. I wish I could enjoy more things. Everything costs money, though. And I'm not good at anything that wouldn't cost me money. I'd kill to be able to draw well, but it seems that I'm horrible at seeing something and copying it, so I can't learn anatomy well. Singing... just reminds me of my FAAB status. Not to mention any singing projects I'm in love to say "girls" and trigger the shit out of me. And I don't want to say anything, 'cause I don't want to be a burden.

I used to enjoy H!P and stuff like that... But now? I just sort of. I don't even know why I follow it. I don't, really. I check the Hello!Online twitter every so often. It's never news that interests me. It's always rambling on about -group I don't care about is releasing a new single- or -person I don't care about is releasing a new photobook-. Even if I did care as much as I used to, I can't fully participate in the H!P experience because I simply don't have money. I can't wota it up because I'm broke.

All I have is... pirated games and music? Wow. Way to be, you fucking loser. Can't even support your favorite artists or developers. And when you had money, you pissed it away on a computer instead of mental health or physical health or something important. Good going.

I feel like I'm depressed, and no one even knows. I do a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time, but I feel down a lot. Pretty much constantly. I feel happy sometimes, but most of the time it's just washed away in sadness. I'm starting to wonder if I bring it upon myself... Or if I'm just being over dramatic.

My dad always is quick to remind me that I'm over dramatic. Whenever I ever complain about something, he says I'm being over dramatic. Yet he tries to say that he's there to listen to me...? Yeah, right. I don't even want to know his reaction when he finds out I'm trans. OMG ATTENTION HORE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He's fucking horrible for even pretending to care about my problems. If he doesn't consider them to be problems, it's easier to just ridicule me.

Sometimes, I just want to cry. Sometimes, I just want people to listen to me cry and tell me that I'm not over reacting. And I do have a few friends that do that for me.

But I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this... It's not my friends/family's fault. I feel if I talked to anyone, they would just tell me I was being over dramatic. I'm always feeling like a burden, but especially lately. I feel like I'm just an annoyance in everyone's life... and talking about my problems would just be more of an annoyance. I know it's probably not true, but whenever I talk to someone, I can practically feel their annoyance with me. Like, I'm just wasting their time. I wouldn't blame anyone if they felt that way, but constantly feeling like this is seriously taking a drain on me. I don't like even asking people questions because I feel like I'm wasting their time.

But when was the last time I had a hug? I can't even remember. Maybe six months ago, when I was moving out from my dad's at first?

I'm so flaky. I can't ever choose one thing or the other. I always do things for a little bit of time, and then I move on to something else. I couldn't even hold a job down for a month. And then I moved in with Amanda for a month, then I came back. I get interested in things and then I quickly lose interest. I'm jealous of people who can have interests for more than a month or two.

What makes me feel the worst is complaining about money problems-- especially when I know people have it worse. Just... It's about to get a lot worse now that Amanda doesn't have food stamps. That's all there is to it. This stupid fucking horrible country. I fucking hate it.

I feel so worthless right now. I have for the past few months. I feel like I'm tipping over the edge of desperation, and I don't even know why. I don't even have it that bad. I have friends and family that love me, a steady home, and I'm working on bettering myself in college. So why do I feel so helpless and useless? I don't want to sound emo-- well, you know what. Fuck it. This is my journal, and whoever doesn't like it can bite me. I'm just going to write what I want.

I feel like self-reflection brings a tidal wave of guilt and unhappiness. I realize how fucking useless I am, and how god damn insignificant my life is-- and it fucking sucks. I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is offering to help me out of this incoming tsunami of self-hatred and depression.

And it's not even their fault. My friends and family don't even know. I won't let them help me. When I was a child, I had to do everything for myself. I'm so used to doing everything for myself, I don't like seeking help. I always chant to myself, "I'll be okay. I'll be fine. It's not a big deal." It's like a fucking ritual with me. It's like I have too much pride to admit "I might not be fine. This might not be okay. The quality of my life is hurting and upsetting me."

I have trouble admitting when something is a big deal. I don't know why. If it's something someone did to me, it's probably because I don't want them to feel bad about it. If it's something that just happened, I don't want people to tell me I'm over reacting.

Maybe it's because I was always praised for being so mature when I was a kid. When I refused to get in the car when my mother was drunk (which consequently led to her arrest), people around me told me, "Wow. You are so mature." And a lot of people who knew what my childhood was like tell me that I am really strong and mature for not having anything wrong with me.

ALL THEY ARE DOING IS VALIDATING MY CHOICE TO HIDE MY MENTAL PROBLEMS. And I write this, and I know it's wrong to try to hide them. But somewhere, there's a disconnect. I blame it on lack of money, but when I had money, I didn't get help. Why? Maybe I like people thinking I'm strong. I'm just a weak, weak person that crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure. I don't want people to know that.

I think my hypersensitivity to things that some people can take (like the music blasting next door...) is actually because I'm depressed and hypersensitive.

I'm not even a little independent. And that is killing me, too. All I can do is drive by myself. Big fucking deal. I'm still sucking from my dad's paycheck for gas money. I'm still a fucking child, that's all I am.

I don't want to take these things out on the people around me. I feel that sometimes, I do. I don't want to. I just wish I knew exactly what was wrong.

I'm a negative, horrible person. I'm bossy and I'm bitchy. I'm nitpicky. I'm quick to tell someone to do something, but slow to do it myself. Which also makes me a hypocrite. I can practically feel people avoiding me so they don't get sucked into my vortex of negativity and depression. "No one wants to be around a negative person!" (Thanks for that complex, Supervision class.)

I just want to cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need help. Please, someone help me.

orientation

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:00:00 -0500

So… I had Wal-mart cashier orientation from 1-5 today. It was just the beginning, I guess I’m actually doing the computer questions tomorrow, and then maybe register practice on Sunday, and then start work on Monday? That’s not exactly what they told me, I’m just guessing about that but that makes sense.

I got there about a half hour early and sat waiting. There were 6 people besides me; 3 girls and 4 guys. When we went into the room, we got nametags. I had trouble finding the letter “A” so it took me five minutes just to wait for people to get finished with the new sheet. After that, we were lectured about some of the rules.

Some interesting things to note, that I learned:
- I’ll be promoted to permanent after three months if I don’t suck total ass
- The uniform is basically just a navy blue shirt (any style) and brown pants (any style)
- We get three days of unexplained absence before we’re fired. The lady said it was pretty much impossible to get fired unless you REALLY tried. They give you so many strikes.
- I’ll probably be working during the day because the garden center closes at 9pm

Then, we went out and took a small tour of the place. I’m just glad I’m not working in the back because it is HUGE and very confusing in the back. I found out that I’m going to be working basically in a greenhouse, which is going to SUCK ASS in the middle of June. I’m seriously going to be sweating.

After that, we went back into the training room and watched two of the most boring videos in existence. The first one was talking about how AMAZING it was to be a ~Wal-mart Associate~ (they call them Associates, not Employees) and then talked about how they have some “Open Door” policy where you can talk to anyone in management for whatever reason at any time. They said it wasn’t necessary to form a union because of this. Made me roll my eyes, but whatever. It was only 5 minutes long.

The next video was 20 minutes long, and considering the subject matter, that was excruciatingly long. The subject matter was… proper procedure for cleaning up spills. A 20 minute video about just that. I was pretty much falling asleep during it. I could see some guy texting even though the person specifically said not to.

After that, we played a really dumb board game. Basically everyone was rolling our eyes at how ridiculous it was. By the end of it, we weren’t even reading the “chance” cards that were supposed to teach us about customer service. We were just trying to get through it.

Then we were given a packet. We were supposed to run around the store finding things. I ended up going with the other Lawn & Garden cashier they hired. This was probably one of the most informative things I did, but not because of the packet. It was more because we stopped into the lawn & garden section and asked the woman who worked there how it was. Learned a few things there too:

- She started 2 weeks ago, but she’s gotten 40 hours even though she’s supposed to be ‘temp’
- It’s slow right now but it’s supposed to get busier during summer
- What you do during slow time is basically fix the way stock looks, clean up, and water plants

After that, we were released and I was told I had to come back at 1-5pm. Then I hopped over to Goodwill to buy myself at least one uniform for work. Ended up being $8, just a blue shirt and brown pants.

/edit, last part deleted because I misunderstood my dad. He only expects me to save 400-500 a month which gives me 300 to basically do whatever I want. I hope….

inappropriate response

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 11:00:00 -0600

i was playing an online pictionary game with a person who i thought was my friend. i've known him for a few years.

it basically went down like this:

him: *draws horribly malformed picture* (looks like this)
me: *going by the clue of _h_ ___t ___pp_r, i guess "the last popper?" keep in mind his NEW FRIEND DESU guessed "the last runner" and didn't get shit for it*
him: omg. you are so stupid.
me: ...stop making fun of me
-game continues on, a bit later-
him: your guesses are so dumb, it's hard not to make fun of you!
me: i'm still winning, lol (i had 10 wins, he had 3)
him: omg, big deal, amber. 10 gold medals in an online game. get a life, you fat fuck. (almost a direct quote)

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER.

(god forbid i can't make out his horribly, horribly shitty excuses for 'drawings', amirite?)

understandably, i left. i just said "i'm leaving" and closed out.
he IMs me saying "why'd you leave?" and i just said "because you're an ass. going to bed. night."

SERIOUSLY? is he that stupid? (it doesn't surprise me)

i tried to keep my response game-related. even though he was calling me stupid, all i pointed out was that my 'stupid guesses' were winning the game. then he got all butthurt and decided to make a personal jab at me. AND HE STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT HE DID WRONG. i even asked him to stop earlier in the game because i know how petty/bitchy/catty he can get (worst than any girls i've ever met)

i didn't start calling him stupid. i didn't call him slightly less fat than me but still massive (his bmi is TWO points lower). i didn't say he was a tease for so deliberately flirting with someone when he already had a boyfriend. i didn't say he's a spoiled little rich kid who gets whatever he wants when he cries to mommy about it. all of these are true, but i knew the realm of appropriate response was game trash talking him back.

making an already stressed out supposed "friend" cry through making fun of them ftw, i suppose. i was so upset/shocked because i didn't think it was going to go that way, and i thought he was my friend. i usually don't expect that kind of behavior/talk from someone i consider to be my 'friend', so the tears were just as much out of shock as they were out of upsetness.

i have asked him and everyone else not to call me by my real name and he deliberately started calling me by it when he was pissed. most likely? i cried because of someone calling me by my name rather than the fat thing. i'm secure in my fatness but at the moment i am NOT secure in my gender and calling me by my name really, really bothers me. yes, to the point where i will burst into tears when referred to as 'amber', and the female pronoun is getting that way too. way to be, asshole.

he's going to have to apologize big time if he wants to keep my friendship, and even then? he's going to be on thin ice for a LONG TIME. he's officially jumped from 'friend i can trust with secrets who will never deliberately hurt me' to 'guy i kinda know that i talk to sometimes that i wouldn't trust as far as i can throw'.

good luck climbing back up there, man. it took you years before, and it's going to take you even longer now.

another survey

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0600

Name: [REDACTED]
Straight/gay/bi? It’s complicated. I guess effectively gay, but technically pansexual.
Single? Nope, and I wouldn’t give her up for the world ♥
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Height? 5’2’‘
Eye colour: Green
Happy with it? Actually, I’d rather them be blue. I’ve always wanted blonde hair and blue eyes, but I can’t stand contacts so I can’t help that.
Pets? A gecko named Mitsuo
Piercings? My ears, if they’re even still pierced. They’re probably closed up~ I want to get my lip pierced as well, just haven’t gotten around to it.
Tattoos? Nope. Still considering whether I want one or not… Probably will be considering it for quite a few years. I’m not in a hurry to go ink my skin permanently.
Obsessions? Metallica, Hello!Project, facebook games/ragnarok/games in general, computer

What is the compliment you get most from people? That I have nice eyes, oddly enough. I remember someone once told me that I have “perfect” lips, as in they’re not too Angelina Jolie thick and they aren’t paper thin.
Can you sing? I’d like to think so.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? There are a lot of things I know that I could improve upon, personality-wise. As for physically, I like myself pretty much fine.
What do you like the most about your body? My face.
And the least? Hm.. my weight, maybe? Even though I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago.

DO YOU?
- Smoke? Nope
- Do drugs? Nope
- Read the newspaper? No, just digg.com haha
- Pray? Nope
- Go to church? Nope
- Talk to people even though you hate them? I don’t “hate” people, so this is a fundamentally flawed question. But if I need to talk to someone I dislike, I won’t let my feelings come in the way. But if I don’t have to, then no
- Drive? I can, but I don’t
- Like to drive fast? Naw, I’m pretty much like an old lady
- Like your voice? Not really. I think I sound incredibly nerdy. It’s not as bad when I’m just talking, but when I hear a recording of myself it’s really noticable. Even my singing voice sounds weird to me.
- Hurt yourself? Nope

HAVE YOU EVER?

- Been out of the country? Once… I went to Canada when I was 7. That’s it. We don’t really have the funds to do stuff like that, and even if we did, my dad has a “why leave America?” attitude so I’d probably have to go with my grandma
- Had sex? Yes
- Been in love? Yes
- Had a surgery? Yup.. when I was three, I was rocking on a rocking chair in the garage. I rocked too far and fell back and split my head open.
- Ran away from home? Hmm… depends on the definition. One time, my dad got REALLY drunk and started punching stuff, so I ran away to Amanda’s that night, but that was the only time. (Last time he got drunk too)
- Been so drunk that you know you’re supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can’t remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath? Uh… Just read the previous question’s answer and take a guess as to whether I can stand alcohol or not.
- Thought about suicide? Yes
- Talked on the phone all night? Yes. Actually I talk with Amanda on skype all night almost every day
- Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? Yes, when I was little we used to go camping with Danny and Caleb.
- Killed someone? …
- Had sex with a stranger? No…
- Thought you’re going crazy? Sometimes I still do, haha
- Kissed the same sex? Nope
- Done anything sexual with the same sex? Not yet
- Stolen anything? Hm… a few times stand out to me. Once, when I was really little, I took a strategy guide for Diddy Kong Racing from the store (so it was probably 1997, so I was 7). I didn’t know that they cost money. Also, when I was 14 or something, I stole a can of cheese from the dollar store just to see if I could get away with it.
- Been on radio/TV? Nope
If I were a month I would be: Probably December. Start off as warm, but turn very cold near the end. Hahah.
If I were a day of the week I would be: Tuesday. I’m very boring and not really renowned for anything.
If I were a time of day I would be: 4am.
If I were a planet I would be: Pluto…oh wait
If I were a direction I would be: West
If I were a liquid I would be: Flavored water…
If I were a flower/plant I would be: Rose, insert cliche with thorns, etc.
If I were an animal I would be: A dog… dumb and loyal.
If I were a color I would be: Gray
If I were a fruit I would be: Strawberry
If I were an element I would be: Wind
If I were a food I would be: Beef jerky lols
If I were a place I would be: Alaska?
If I were a body part I would be: DICKS

subjectless (which is technically a subject)

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0500

survey I got from flag

1. If you could change something about me, what would it be?
Um, I would change it so you lived next to me. Is that even a valid answer? I don't think there's really anything else that I would want to change. I'm not the type of person that wants to make others change, anyway, if you changed any it would be weird because you wouldn't really be the same flag? If that makes sense at all. /cop-out

2. What are your greatest hopes for the future?
I don't really think about the future that much honestly. I just deal with things day-by-day, which is probably why I'm an unemployed loser at the moment. But ultimately, I'd like to become a chef of some kind, preferably a pastry chef. That's always been my dream and will probably always be my dream. I want to make sweet stuff. Pretty weird dream for someone so MANRY but I want to make really pretty cakes and stuff like that. I also have really, really unattainable and unrealistic dreams, like joining Morning Musume or being a roadie for Metallica. Or even singing for a living. Things like that just aren't possible, obviously.
I'll just follow you wherever you want to go. I have no preference as to location or that, so long as I'm by you.

3. If you had a son, what would you name him? What about a daughter?
Um, I've used all my favorite names in rp. Would it be weird if I said those? If so, then I'd choose Bruce/Jason/Xander/Lucian/Noah for a male, and Celeste/Sapphire/Rosabella/Adrianne/Natasha for a girl. Yeah, I know, a lot of options, and I've thought about it a lot. I really like the ending sound "n" for a male for some reason, and I like more feminine names for girls. My all time favorite names are probably Julian and Arianna, and that wasn't affected by the rp either-- the other way around actually. I've had a list of baby names for three or four years, and those are just the outstanding ones... the ones that stood the test of time and I still really love after a few years.

4. What's your ideal band? What combination of sounds makes it ideal?
Metallica (and I love you for giving me an excuse to write about this)

The reason I love Metallica so much is because of the musical quality they put on the table. I can't really like a band unless they're nearly perfect, so they have to be very sharp musically as well as good with lyrics and such. I can't respect a band at all if they just scream in their lyrics, but Metallica actually has a fairly good singer which makes listening to it the best. All in all, I'm a choir geek so I appreciate singing more than anything, which is why I like other bands like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest as well.

But um, just using the song Master of Puppets as an example. It has tight drums with fills exactly where they need to be, a bass line that isn't just phoning-it-in same-note-500-times-in-a-row thanks to Cliff Burton's musical genius. The fact that there are two guitarists allows for guitar harmony in the middle which is probably one of my favorite elements that Metallica tends to incorporate into their music. The guitars are very metal and have good riffs even though they're not playing a million miles an hour. The lyrics are incredibly catchy and introspective-- it's referring to drugs, and this was probably a time when they were addicted to drugs so I'm sure they know what they're talking about. My favorite part of this particular song is the break-down in the middle because it really gives the song a chance to build back up. Even though it sounds like a whole new song, it still goes with the general theme of the entire composition. I like this song especially because James actually has the first guitar solo, even though it's slow it still shows the expertise that is required to write most of the riffs like he does. And after that, there's the "master! master!" part which is awesome live. Then Kirk comes in with the second solo which is understandably fast and always full of whammy haha. My only complaint is that the song seems a tad bit long which is why it's only my #2 favorite song, just behind Creeping Death.

But going back to the live part, Metallica was born a live band and will always be a live band. A lot of songs are "audience participation songs" where the audience yells and their 30 years of live performance experience really shows. They have great stage charisma which is also a big part of a band to me. They could be the most musically talented band in the world, but if they have poor stage charisma, they'll quickly get boring. You can only listen to the CDs so many times before getting curious and going to look at them live and seeing how horribly they fail, etc. It's part of the reason why I'm not as big of an Iron Maiden fan as I used to be. Their CDs are really good but in my opinion they really fall flat when it comes to being live.

Another big part of a band, to me, is how they see themselves. I can't get into Megadeth or Guns n' Roses because they are both filled with big egotistical personalities. Metallica has been nothing but humble and they constantly say they're just like the fans, only they're the ones on stage and if they weren't on stage they'd be out in the audience. This kind of attitude has allowed them to "keep it real" so to say for so many years and is probably one of the reasons they came out on top out of the 4 "fathers of thrash" bands.

The last thing is willingness to experiment. If Metallica made Kill 'em All (their first album) over and over and over again, they'd be like Slayer and I honestly wouldn't be interested in them today. What made them such a great band was the willingness to experiment, which meant putting ballads on their albums. Sometimes they fail (St. Anger sucked) but that willingness to step out of the comfort zone is something that is unparalleled in the metal world. They got a lot of shit for it, but they also sold a fuckton of albums with The Black Album.

But um.. to wrap it up? Good vocals, guitar harmony, drum fills right where they should be, lyrics that aren't run-of-the-mill, excellent bass lines, great charisma, good personality, and willingness to experiment are all things that I look for in a rock band. There are also other things I'm sure, like the tonality of the equipment, but it's not as important as the other stuff.

I could get started on why I like Morning Musume as well, but I've already written too much for this question so just remind me if you're interested and I'll write later. Basically, the perfect pop/Morning Musume song to me is nanchatte renai.

5. Coke or pepsi? this question is legit
I don't drink pop that much anymore, but I will always choose Pepsi over Coke. Coke is not sweet enough for me. But these days I probably couldn't be able to tell the difference anyway. I also like Pepsi because they've publicly donated to gay rights funds so it feels morally right supporting them. But I like most pop, the only one I won't drink is Dr Pepper.

Microblogs - September 2009

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-09-30 2:49 AM: seriously need to get out of this house and dad's "because I'm 40, I'm superior to you" thoughts.

2009-09-27 10:49 PM: what the heck flag

2009-09-26 11:00 PM: it's officially the day cliff died. 23 years. RIP ;~;

2009-09-26 10:20 PM: project runway owns

2009-09-25 10:27 PM: good to hear your voice again flag~

2009-09-25 3:21 AM: a lot of things happened today, so I'm gonna go sleep and try to wind down a little bit.

2009-09-24 1:34 AM: Yup. I officially don't give a fuck anymore.

2009-09-16 2:55 PM: the person that was supposed to be getting a hold of me "like, totally didn't have any time this week!" what bs.

2009-09-15 11:56 AM: yay yay diet breakthrough

2009-09-14 9:07 AM: dreams where you know you're in a dream are weird

2009-09-13 10:01 PM: everyone tonight... sigh

2009-09-13 5:02 PM: throat is feeling a bit better

2009-09-12 11:43 PM: also everyone started naming their little girls isabella lately. fucking twilight. enjoy having to be called by your last initial, ladies

2009-09-12 1:14 AM: i talked to an old friend again <3

2009-09-11 10:39 PM: september 11th means tons of specials about 9/11 on the history channel

2009-09-11 10:11 PM: there's a reason why i don't bother socializing.

2009-09-07 12:01 AM: poor flag////

2009-09-05 2:53 PM: going to go on xbox and re-download some stuff, i'll be back online in a half hour or so

2009-09-05 10:45 AM: slept well

2009-09-03 7:32 PM: diet start~

2009-09-02 3:43 PM: steve got a job orz

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: right bedtime now

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: need to go to bed soon, if i stay up all night steve gets on in the morning and clack-clacks on the keyboard .__.

2009-09-01: playing online bingo, which is strangely addictive

allow me to reintroduce myself.

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I had a lot of people add me recently, so allow me to reintroduce myself. (I'm never good at writing these things... I'll try not to make it TL;DR)

As some of you may or may not know, my name is [REDACTED]. I have a million different internet handles (Kirk, hat, magneticdeath, asforoneday, Kohaku, etc) so feel free to call me whatever you want. I live in southwest Michigan, and was born and raised here. I just turned 19 on June 18th. I'm bisexual, but I would never date a male again so I guess that effectively makes me a lesbian. My family has always been in the lower class, money wise. My mother was on welfare the entire time my brother and I lived with her and both my parents dropped out of high school and are now general laborers.

Family-wise, my parents are divorced and have been so since I was 5. I lived with my mom, Grace, and her various boyfriends until I was 12. There was a big custody battle and I ended up with my dad, Jeff. I have been with my dad since 2002.

I quit school in 2007, at the beginning of my senior year. I've always had a 3.7 GPA, I was just going through some struggles at that time (and I'm a quitter, I admit it). However, I got my GED not long after.

I currently still live with my father and my brother, Steve. I don't have a job, but I've been looking. My dad is laid off but my brother has a job.

My girlfriend's name is Julie but I actually call her flag most of the time. My ultimate plan is to move to Belgium with her in a few years. Not sure how that's gonna happen yet, but yeah.

My life is basically Metallica at the moment. I listen to them all the time, watch videos, look at pictures, and generally obsess over them. Cliff Burton has inspired me to start learning the bass. I got a bass for my birthday and can already play a few songs on it.

I do listen to other artists though. Iron Maiden and Morning Musume/Hello!Project mostly.

I also play Guitar Hero/Rock Band almost religiously. I have been playing since April 2007. I have some videos up on youtube somewhere, but I'm a bit lazy to go looking, so if you're really interested in watching let me know.

I don't watch much TV/movies, but when I do, I prefer comedies. Lately I've been into the series "Penn & Teller's Bullshit", which debunks several scams. I think it's in its 7th season. It's an informative show that puts things in a funny manner (not to mention has lots of naked people just because it airs on Showtime).

Other interests include lolita clothing, webdesign, and graphic design.

I like debating too. I tend to lean on the liberal Democrat side of things politics-wise, though I try to examine each issue individually from both sides and come up with a solution (so I could be considered moderate). Also, I am an atheist.

Uh... That's all I can think of now. If anyone has any questions, feel free to leave a comment in this post or something. Haha.

guitar hero tourney

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

there was a guitar hero tournament that i went to. the turn out was awful. there were only three people, so we all automatically went to finals in kalamazoo. the only reason we even played was for the $20 gift card for first place and the bragging rights. i was better than that little 9 year old that beat me; the only reason he won was because i double strummed at the end of more than a feeling. ;~; oh well

wanna know how i know i'm better? i stomped him in through the fire and flames afterwards, by both percentage AND score.

nothing else matters

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Someone finally ripped all the tracks from Guitar Hero Metallica, so now I can make proper instrumentals to karaoke with.

Now I shall die happy.

Microblogs - October 2008

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0500

2008-10-26 5:42 PM: beat almost every song on expert drums so there :3

2008-10-25 9:26 AM: not replaying ff8, since save game glitched and deleted, boo!

2008-10-25 1:29 AM: replaying ff8 yay @_@

2008-10-20 10:42 PM: afraid~ hold me ;o;

2008-10-17 4:31 AM: boredom ー△ー

2008-10-16 8:25 AM: going to bed for real now (damn addictive internet~)

2008-10-16 6:41 AM: going to bed nowww

few days off the internet

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Didn't get on the internet for a few days. I've been playing so much COD4 because Danny came over with his XBox 360, I didn't even get a chance to sign on now and then. Oh well.

A lot of drama happened with Manng and Amanda. Well, not a LOT. She came on and I chat invited her.. and she lied, saying she "didn't get it" and I asked her, "why are you on the xbox?" And she answered, of course, "to talk to matt". That was like the last straw for me and I just deleted them both and I have no intention of talking to either of them again. They've been so buddy buddy and avoiding me, so I just figured "hey, might as well give them what they want". (also AJ sucks)

I finally got to level 54 on COD4 though, which is a good thing. I level grinded there tonight and am happy. I'll have level 55 to shoot for, which is the max level. All I get for level 55 is a golden Desert Eagle though, which I'm not too thrilled about.

I finally found out how to mute everyone but the people on my friends list on Xbox and it really helps. COD4 has so much of the "Halo Jackass Frat Boy Crowd" that I got sick of hearing it and I literally didn't want to play because of it. So now I can only hear my few friends.. sure, I may be missing out on a few new friends, but I'm not in the business of making new friends and I'd probably just delete them later.

Speaking of new friends, today, in a random match, I saw a person named "Berryz RISAKO". I friend requested them and they accepted.. because it's so, so rare to find anyone into H!P on the Xbox. I didn't even realize it at first.. I was bitching at the guy:

"God?! Who is this, in my fucking way. Just STANDING there. Risako... Ohhh. They must like BK, that's awesome!"

Not to mention they're from Japan (I can tell from some of the games they've played). That makes it a little difficult to talk to them. I sent them a message "berryz koubou is awesome!!" and they sent back "yes!!!!!" so I think they understood that but I don't think they understand English.

Um.. I'm going to bed now. At 10:30AM. I am not going to wake up until night tomorrow.. pathetic of me. @___@//

My life...

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

&apologies;
I have really, really been meaning to update this thing with something useful. Really. I have really good intentions but I haven't gotten around to it. So here I am! ♥

&writing;
I want to write so much. I know, I'll probably rp with Matt dizzle sometime soon but it's really itching me... so I maybe will write some sort of fanfic about Gears something soon. I've had this creative feeling for the past few days and I don't know what it's about. Maybe it's because I haven't been creative enough lately? So if you see a story placed in this journal sometime, you can read it or don't, it doesn't matter to me. But I bet you'll be seeing one from me soon.

&gaming;
Meh.. I broke my gaming streak today because I didn't get on. Maybe I just feel less like gaming lately? Rock Band has been bleh (I need a break from it) and COD4 is impossible on Veteran and lost its addictiveness on Multiplayer. I could play Viva Pinata but I didn't really feel like it today.. and Sneak King is definitely for days that I feel like playing it.

&drama;
There was a lot of drama today which surely insured at first that I would have weekend plans, then they were torn away from me. Yeah, shitty, but oh well. I'll get over it. I just feel like I'm going to lose friends over bullshit and I don't really want to... I might not seem like it, but I really, REALLY hate drama. It stresses me out and I tend to want to eliminate stress sources (a part of a reason why I quit high school).

&topmodel;
I watched Season 9 of America's Next Top Model and I was totally blown away, shocked, and OFFENDED by who was top model. I won't spoil it because it's a fairly recent season but once again I feel when it came down to the last two, the person who really deserved it got ripped off. It wasn't so much of an injustice as Season 8 though. Natasha TOTALLY deserved every ounce of that prize and I'm glad to hear she's still out there modeling. I wanted to use her in my new layout but I couldn't find a high enough quality picture, unfortunately.

&life;
I want to see what we can do about my GED this weekend. I'm going to go take a test hopefully this weekend to see if I can take the GED without study (hopefully I can) and if it's possible I'll just jump and take the real test. Then I will need a car to drive so that I can learn, which comes down to fixing our cars with tax returns. Then, I will get a job.. then I will visit him.

&taxreturns;
For tax returns, Dad said it was possible to get a new monitor which I severely need because this one is major suckage. Also he said we're getting both our cars fixed which is great. He said he was going to sell the Grand Prix and get me a new car most likely.. and I said it would be better on insurance and easier to drive if he got a smaller Japanese one. I just feel more comfortable because I'm so fucking short if I'm driving a smaller car.

&etc;
There's PROBABLY things I'm forgetting. I'm that type of person. However, if I remember anything I'll add it in? Or just make a new entry if it's significant enough. Happy Friday everyone and remember: not everything is as it seems. Good night.

arcade dream

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

I had a dream of an arcade.. we went in with my gramma and Steve and Amanda, though somehow other people came too.

There were a few different scenarios:

Skeeball: Amanda and Steve and I all played Skeeball. Mine was broken though and the ball would not fit through the plastic thing at the end and was actually SUBTRACTING points. I ended up getting like 5 tickets though.

Mortal Kombat: There was a TV hooked up and it said "Free". They were apparently running an emulator and rom and the person who worked there (who happened to be my cousin, John) said it was so his boss could see how everyone was playing. Steve tried to play and go through the menus but they were all in Italian. He changed it to English and eventually we played. I sucked as usual...

"Singstar?": It was called Singstar but it was really Karaoke Revolution + DDR. Amanda and I played, and I picked "Higher", the DDR song. I yelled at her for not doing the DDR parts (ignoring them completely) and just doing the singing.

Weird Guitar Hero Rip Off: There was a guy playing Guitar Hero Rip Off, and all the colors were in the wrong places so it was really difficult. He wanted me to try it, and I was passing all right but not very well. I exclaimed, "What is this! Lefty Flip!" but it wasn't.

During WGHRO: While I was playing GH Rip Off, Dale came behind me and hugged me and said that he loved me. It was.. a little random and weird, but I felt embarrassed cos my Gramma was there.

After all the games are done: Here's the sad part. For some reason my MOM was there, and she was like "how do you feel about me?" and I told her that I loved her and that she's my mom, and she told me that how she THINKS I feel about her is "I don't love her and don't ever want to talk to her again". Then I woke up..

It was weird.

Update on teh monies PT 2

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Steve let me have 35 dollars because he's the sweetest brother in the world, and I bought a Gears of War guide along with a Rock Band guide. I've been playing Gears of War for more than 9 months now so it's kind of a mystery why I haven't bought one yet (and why I haven't actually beat one player by myself). It also has multiplayer maps which will do really good in helping me actually become a better player. The Rock Band one has each individual song outlined by each instrument and developer high scores.. which will help both. <3

2007 Survey [it was a big year.]

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Drive around with only my brother!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year. I didn't think I needed to. This year, I think I may make "stop drinking pop"

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't know how close they are, but all my cousins are getting pregnant. Literally every girl from my 2nd cousin's family has gotten pregnant this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Whew.. not sure about next year though..

5. What countries did you visit?
Pff I wish I could visit other countries.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Less procrastination!! I want to be able to drive and get a job..

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 4, 2007-- the day I got my very own Xbox 360!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Quitting school. (I know it's weird, but I've been wanting to forever.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Procrastinating 6 months away.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Xbox 360 by far.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
None...?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? worried?
A lot of my friends'. Maybe I'm just pessimistic.

14. Where did most of ALL! your money go?
Xbox 360 + stuff.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Rock Band! Man I waited MONTHS for that thing.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Epic by Faith no more

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier, generally (though I had super pissy moments)
ii. thinner or fatter? the same amazingly.
iii. richer or poorer? depends on what you mean. If you mean physical money and possessions, I'd say the same. If you mean rich with happiness and good events, I'd say richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Getting out of the house...

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastination

20. How will you be spending did you spend Christmas?
...this question doesn't make sense.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes

23. How many one-night stands?
0, I'm a virgin ~_~

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
I got into Days of Our Lives for 2 seconds.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
I haven't read any. (Hey, don't get on me! I do all my learning online.)

27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
Ayu, which I had abandoned really.

28. What did you want and get?
Xbox 360

29. What did you want and not get?
Ayu's new album.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
There were a lot of good ones this year...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went out to eat and went shopping. I am 17. (Only one more year 'til the big one eight..)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Be able to meet him physically.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Same as every year-- do not care.

34. What kept you sane?
The people closest to me!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ayu, as every year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage. Had one too many debates about that this year.

37. Who did you miss?
Amanda! She moved.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Dale..

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
Material possessions are shit. All you really need is love.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
.. I don't even know. D:

Update on teh monies.

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I bought $50 worth of Microsoft Points and an Xbox 360 Chat pad, which came with the new mic I needed with a bonus of a chat pad so I don't have to keep typing out messages with the analog stick. I have about $60 left but I don't know what I'll get with it yet. I've only got Zuma (arcade game), War Pigs (Rock Band song), and a picture pack with the MSP thus far.

feeling dead = yay

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I'll never beat Green Grass & High Tides on Expert.

I will never get ALL of the achievements on Rock Band.

I will probably never get all of the achievements on any retail game, to be frank.

Why the fuck do I suck so much? It's really depressing....

sold

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Sold my Gamecube for $100 which I will be getting in a few days. $50 from gramma. This is what I might buy with it:

Awesome Headphones - $90
A $60 game, most likely Viva Pinata OR 4000 Microsoft Points OR Year subscription Xbox Live

Man.. that's depressing. I kept telling myself, "Am I really gonna use this?" and ended up with such a small list.. lol! I wanted to keep it to stuff I use daily which is only XBox 360 and Computer.. I thought about ADDING stuff like a camera but I'm not so sure about that seeing as I don't look good in pictures and I don't get out enough to go out and take pictures of other stuff.

I might just save the $60. :< The only thing for SURE I'm going to get is the new Headphones thing.

MSP Rock Band songs

David Bowie Pack 01 - 440
Punk Pack - 440
"Fortunate Son" - 160
"Bang a Gong (Get It On)" - 160
"Cherry Bomb" - 160
"Synchronicity II" - 160
"Can't Stand Losing You" - 160
"3's and 7's" - 160
"Sick, Sick, Sick" - 160
"Sweet Leaf" - 160
"My Iron Lung" - 160
"Brass in Pocket" - 160

fuckfuckfuck

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCKFUCKUFKCUICKJC
SLKDJFLNSGDNK
lKJNSDLFKJSDKNv
sLKFhjkweklnasd
T______T
sksfjlks
alkjsdavk
nkjsvijvnn32jni3ruhjsdnmkadlaj8piuagb

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? [in a SABOTAGE by beastie boys tone]

i need to seriously get a hobby to get my mind off of things.

not like video games, but an actual hobby.

one that i can just do by myself and go off into my own little world every day and try to cool off at.

any ideas!? it has to be free, btw… i don’t have any money, though i’m sure i could ask dad if i could buy stuff from an arts and crafts store or something.

HELP ME FRIENDS

Things I’m thinking about taking up (from most likely to least likely):

Such a long vacation.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

This really has been a super long vacation. It has only been a few weeks but being away from my best friends and my boyfriend for a few weeks is more like torture than a vacation. I admit that part of the reason I left was because I needed a break from the daily grind but I guess absense makes the heart grow fonder and the daily grind is the daily grind because I like things like that. I'm starting to see that I don't like change very much.

However, there were a lot of fun parts of the vacation so I can't complain TOO much. When I first came, I brought Rock Band. Gramma and Zack (my 10 year old cousin) and myself all made a band together. We called ourselves the Viper Blood. Yeah, kind of dorky and stupid, but it was something that was automatically generated. Gramma played Drums on Easy. Zack was the singer on Easy. And I was the guitarist on Expert. We were a great band until I brought it downstairs because Gramma was bitching that Roger (her husband) wanted to watch TV on the weekend. Ironically, the cable broke and he couldn't watch it in the living room anyway-- making the trip up and down the stairs with the huge amount of accessories completely irrelevant and unnecessary. Tami and Pat came over and played (well Tami played, Pat woke me up from a dead sleep to have me set it up JUST so he could watch it). Then, the last thing that has to do with Rock Band: Steve came over this weekend and played. We were going to do Endless mode but we got 10 songs in and he started to fall asleep while playing the Bass so I just told him to forget about it and we'll do it some other time (sometime at my house, so he can get the achievements too!).

We went to the mall two times to go to the new arcade there called Slackers. It's really awesome. It has DDR: Extreme but I only played that a few times (there was a guy there that was really good the second time!). Because I was having er girl problems the second time, I couldn't really play too aggressively. And I got tired easily. Zack and I played Skeeball a lot the first time, and the second time with Steve, we played TONS of Deal or No Deal. The first time, with Zack, we only got 400 tickets all together but the second time, with Steve, we got 1003 tickets! We each got 333 tickets, and I feel like I got robbed because I got a big rubber ball but it broke a few minutes after I started playing with it. Oh well, it was funner playing the game than it was to actually get the toy. The highest Steve and I got was 250 tickets from Deal or No Deal. It was between 3 tickets and 400 tickets. We had the 400 in our case! I had the feeling that we did, but we didn't want to risk it... It was still really fun. Gramma thought about buying a TV while we were in the mall, but said that I "talked her out of it" because I told her not to go more into debt just for a big screen TV. I didn't mean to talk her out of it though-- I wanted to see her have a big screen TV! Oh well.

Steve bought the game Scene It! for $40 (poor guy, that's tons of money). We all played it together-- it was really, really fun. I was horrible at it because I don't know many movies. Steve was the best. We played teams the second time we played it, and Steve was on my team so naturally we won! Woo! I only knew a few questions but I really did know the questions that I knew.

We didn't have a whole lot of money so we couldn't go many places. I had a roast beef sandwich over 9000 times, but that's just because I like those. I got into Days of Our Lives, so I'm going to have to see if I can catch that on TV here or if it's only a Direct TV thing. I didn't get into Passions thankfully, because I know for a fact that's a Direct TV only thing.

The entire vacation wasn't all peaches and creams though. Roger (Gramma's husband) was being a serious pain in the ass! As in.. rude. He asked Steve and I, "When's the last time you've seen your gramma and grampa's grave? In the last four years?" and we said "never". How the hell are we supposed to get there? We don't even know where they're buried. I'm not a believer in visiting someone elses' grave. Since I believe that when a person dies, their soul is gone and they just rot in the ground, I don't see why I have to visit their grave. If they were good people, then their legacy will outlive them. And since they were family, they always have a place in my heart. But he didn't need to act pissy and like he's better than us because he visits his family's grave. I was really offended by that and Gramma tried to pretend like it was just because he was working long hours. Bullshit. He's a rude guy.

Zack was good most of the time we were there but he was rude some of the time. He was cussing and swearing and acting up when he heard Steve was coming over. He knew that I would give more attention to Steve than him because I don't get to see Steve often and he's easily tied for #1 place for my family in my heart (tied along with my dad). So of course I'm going to give him attention! He acted really rude to me most of the time when Steve was there but before that he was okay. That's part of the reason I was leaving-- he started acting rude and basically the only reason I was staying was so that he could have company. I was going to stay until the 16th but I was really hurting from missing Dale and my friends. 15th is going to be his birthday party, so I'll probably pop in for that but I'm not staying the weekend or anything. I might stay a few hours at most.

Another bad thing that happened was that Mom called. Gramma made me talk to her and she "just found out" that I quit school (though she didn't-- she was leaving bad messages on my answering machine before that, and later she admitted that she knew and it "just now hit her", yeah right). A lot of drama was caused because of that and I was going to go home however I decided to stay. Mom said that she was going to "come get me and make me realize I was wasting my life". What, like she did? She's a hypocrite.

That's basically all that happened... I think. All the important stuff, unless you count my gramma crapping her pants to be important! (It was funny but.. sick.)

Steve will probably come over at Christmas break. Looking forward to that! He's been really generous lately and I'm surprised. In a happy way. I'm not really looking forward to Christmas itself because it means nothing to me-- not like I'm getting presents or anything, and since I'm athiest it has no religious meaning. Haha.

TL;DR: Vacation was overall good, but I missed everyone!

PS: There was some really embarrassing mix up where I thought Amanda's online BFF Eric was a guy I used to know and be fairly close to, Luke. It ended up in a 3 hour conversation with him about Amanda and other stuff. Weird...

rock band

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

today, rock band comes out.

i had my alarm set for 8am but ended up getting up at 7am because the anticipation was making me wake up every few hours.

best buy opens at 10am here, so dad is gonna get up at 9am and we have to get started then because the thunderbird only goes 30mph max. we have to take a back road XD

I AM SO EXCITED!

gonna go try to pass time by watching america's next top model season 8...

rock band results

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

it is the awesomest shit ever! and apparently some peoples' best buys didn't get copies in until tomorrow, i would've been so pissed!

i'm trying to beat the solo career on expert right now. i have the highest leaderboard for the song "dani california" and have 100% hit on expert on that, which means it's like the maximum score.

i'm also #2 on the vocal career overall leaderboards.

i know that's going to change as soon as more people get the game but whatever lol.

wait, what

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Band World Tour is only offline and only 2+ players?

Wow, that really puts me off of Rock Band, because that was the thing I was looking forward to the most, and now I hear I can't even play it unless two people are playing *unless I want to sing while I play, which would cause me to need a mic stand.. and to know the songs of course*

I'm sure it won't be a problem at first, but it's going to be annoying after I beat all the songs on Expert in 1p mode.. well hopefully by then either they'll have patched it with online Band World Tour or I know all the songs singing by heart and can sing and do the drums at the same time or something. Gah.

10 things that make me happy!

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Rules: The rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 10 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs. Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in a while.

01] Dale♥ Whenever I talk to him, I am happier. He makes my life worth living♥
02] Morning Musume & Ayu.. well, music in general, I guess. If it's a happy song, I get happy!
03] Getting stuff for free!
04] Steve and Amanda♥ My brother and my best friend! They can both cheer me up when I'm feeling upset or down. Steve is brutally honest which I really appreciate and Amanda always makes me feel good about myself.
05] Making other people happy. I sub so that other people can understand things and enjoy the videos better. I try to do my best everyday to help other people out when I can, and when I see that they are truly happy because of it, it makes me happier than anything.
06] Watching Tyra and court TV! And comedies too ♥ I love learning stuff, and I also love people who are inspirational, and things that make me laugh. Whenever I laugh, I'm happy.
07] When I actually work for something and can buy it myself. When I worked for those 1600 Microsoft Points and didn't make dad pay $20 for me, I felt so liberated and like I really earned them! (And I didn't spend them so quickly knowing that too XDD)
08] Dancing and singing. Singing mostly, unfortunately because it makes me so happy, when someone criticizes me, I get really upset T___T
09] Rock Band which is coming out in FOUR DAYS #(Y*RY*#RHOSDGHDSGH I CANNOT WAIT! We're gonna line up before Best Buy opens and rush in there and get a copy! ♥
10] Simple pleasures such as rain pattering outside the window or calm music. It makes me happy and peaceful.

Um.. I'm glad I did this. Because a lot of people say I'm super moody and angry all the time and hard to please, I think this is a list that can be useful. XDD

maximus

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

blah about Maximus

(9:12:51 PM) me: i still think it's dispicable that you would make a new room to get maximus away
(9:13:10 PM) Matt: okay
(9:13:27 PM) Matt: not when everyone in the entire room doesnt like him
(9:13:33 PM) Matt: and only you do
(9:13:37 PM) me: Whatever.
(9:13:40 PM) Matt: and you're not even playing
(9:13:42 PM) me: This is why I fucking disadd you, this is why you annoy me.
(9:13:46 PM) me: It's fucking bullying.
(9:13:48 PM) me: It doesn't matter.
(9:13:52 PM) me: There's no reason not to LIKE him.
(9:13:56 PM) me: He hasn't done a god damned thing to ANYONE.
(9:13:58 PM) me: AND YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT.
(9:14:12 PM) Matt: loook
(9:14:13 PM) me: What, he happens to have a higher pitched voice than everyone? is that it?
(9:14:19 PM) me: All he's ever been is fucking NICE
(9:14:26 PM) Matt: to you
(9:14:29 PM) Matt: and only you
(9:14:30 PM) me: And all you fucking people think it's COOL FUN ETC to make FUN of him
(9:14:35 PM) me: He's never done nayhting to you guys!
(9:14:35 PM) Matt: amber amber amber
(9:14:37 PM) me: He's a fucking KID
(9:14:38 PM) me: HE IS A KID
(9:14:44 PM) me: HE'S NICE TO ME BECAUSE IM NICE TO HIM!
(9:14:50 PM) me: You guys are needlessly rude, nasty, etc with him!
(9:14:50 PM) Matt: okay
(9:14:55 PM) me: "maximus is a fag"
(9:14:57 PM) me: "maximus is annoying"
(9:14:58 PM) me: etc
(9:15:09 PM) me: he hasn't done ANYTHING and he couldn't fucking hurt a fly because he's a KID and actually rather innocent
(9:15:33 PM) Matt: okay
(9:15:35 PM) Matt: yea
(9:15:41 PM) me: Yeah, so why the fuck exclude him?
(9:15:42 PM) me: Oh yeah.
(9:15:44 PM) me: Because it's COOL.
(9:15:48 PM) me: Because it's cool to pick on maximus!
(9:15:54 PM) me: It's cool to bully the little kid! Yeah, that's real fucking manly.
(9:16:07 PM) me: Bully someone three years younger than you. That's the way to get the ladies and respect!
(9:16:22 PM) me: Amirite?
(9:16:32 PM) me: It's immature, it's fucking rude, and it's unnecessary.
(9:16:38 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:40 PM) Matt: sure
(9:16:47 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:54 PM) me: He gets enough of that at school.
(9:17:01 PM) me: Gets fucking picked on, pushed around because he's smaller than everone.
(9:17:27 PM) me: He doesn't need to come onto fucking Xbox live and feel excluded because a fucking bunch of boys who just hit puberty decided it was a cool thing to pick on someone three years younger than them.
(9:17:49 PM) me: Mainly AJ, which is why I don't fucking like him. There's no reason for him to be mean to Max and he's really the one who started it.
(9:18:02 PM) Matt: no max is
(9:18:11 PM) me: Max didn't do shit and you fucking know it.
(9:18:24 PM) Matt: max lied
(9:18:26 PM) me: He talks shit sometimes. Fucking tell him off and be done with it.
(9:18:30 PM) Matt: about activing
(9:18:38 PM) me: Don't antagonize him.
(9:18:59 PM) me: There's something dispicable and deplorable about antagonizing anyone let alone someone who lacks the proper maturity and age to deal with that kind of shit!
(9:19:14 PM) me: Though I truly doubt all of your maturity at this poitn.
(9:19:15 PM) me: ^*point
(9:19:39 PM) Matt: okay
(9:20:05 PM) me: This is why I don't play gears.
(9:20:10 PM) me: You ask, WHY DONT YOU PLAY GEARS ANYMORE ZOMG
(9:20:21 PM) me: It's because of this stupid BULLSHIT that you and the others CONSTANTLY PULL whenever Max and you guys get together!
(9:20:54 PM) me: max is nice to me because i'm nice to him. I'm sure max would be nice to aj, steve, etc if they were nice to him but they lack the ability to be nice because they're fucking assholes.
(9:21:12 PM) me: They'll do anything for a laugh including harrassing someone.
(9:21:18 PM) me: I just thought you were above that shit.
(9:22:03 PM) Matt: i am
(9:22:14 PM) Matt: you know im a nice person
(9:22:20 PM) Matt: you know that
(9:22:21 PM) me: I know you are. So I don't know why you do this I HATE MAX
(9:22:24 PM) me: MAX IS A FUCK
(9:22:25 PM) me: stuff.
(9:23:18 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:23:24 PM) Matt: he is annoying
(9:23:40 PM) me: He's annoying. But he doesn't do it intentionally and that shouldn't cause hatred.
(9:23:53 PM) me: And even if you do hate him, you should ust keep it to yourself because he didn't really do anything wrong.
(9:24:35 PM) me: And it's not like you're superbad about it like aj and steve are.
(9:24:50 PM) Matt: what do you mean by that
(9:24:51 PM) Matt: ?
(9:24:57 PM) me: AJ and Steve are like
(9:25:05 PM) me: "Lol maximus, or should I say FAGISMUS"
(9:25:09 PM) me: when he hadn't said anything for a really long time
(9:25:21 PM) me: and it was pissing me off. maximus wasn't doing anything, wasn't replying
(9:25:42 PM) me: and they were continually antagonizing him every time at the dead zone
(9:25:44 PM) me: for NO APPARENT REASON
(9:25:48 PM) me: and he continued to not reply, kept quiet etc
(9:25:54 PM) me: Doesn't that fucking make you feel sad?
(9:26:50 PM) me: frankly I muted them all because it's that kind of bully mob mentality that I absolutely HATE in a person
(9:27:45 PM) me: why the hell is a 16, 17, and 19 year old ganging up on a 13 year old?
(9:27:52 PM) me: for the laughs?
(9:27:55 PM) me: that's WRONG
(9:27:57 PM) me: anyway you look at it
(9:28:09 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:28:46 PM) me: I can't hate steve because he's my brother
(9:28:48 PM) me: but I do hate AJ for it
(9:28:54 PM) me: and hate is a word I use rarely and honestly mean it
(9:29:25 PM) me: AJ is alwyas about "being cool" and "keepin it real" but I find nothing "cool" about harrassing a kid that age.

the conversation basically ended there...
i got tired... i'm gonna go to bed soon...

carcassonne is addictive

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

this game is addictive. they're offering it for free for everyone on the 15th because it's xbl's 5 year anniversary and i thought it wouldn't be too good.

5 hours and 9 achievements later, i proved myself wrong (that's right, i only have 4 achievements to go, weeee).

anyone who has xbl should really give it a try especially since today you can download it for free and have it forever.

google encourages stalking

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

By googling my phone number not only did I find my Dad's name, but I also found our address and a fuckin' map to where we live!

Good thing about apartments: it didn't show which apartment building we live in, so it would be impossible to actually track us down.

Anyway, I used gaminglagoon to get myself 1600 Microsoft Points. I can't believe it actually worked, haha... I bought Puzzle Fighter which is a pretty fun game, and kept 800 points in case a game comes out that I want to buy RIGHT away. <33

a

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Since I haven't had most of these lately, I'm going to write a "real" entry which isn't just filler links or video or something. I don't have much to say though, so I'll just let a UL do it:

I'm making a big image of a whole bunch of "secrets" I have. I don't know if I'll just end up deleting it in the end, but it feels good. I already have tons and tons and tons of secrets written down!
Amanda moved. I miss her. T___T
I was supposed to go to my gramma's a few days ago but I accidently stayed up too late, and when she called she just decided that we should do it some other time.
Fansubbing is going great. Because I subbed Momusu's Mikan (here) only a day after it came on TV, it so far has around 1.6k views, and even got a few awards a few days ago. I'm pretty proud of that.
Because people have been seeing that fansub, I have gotten at least 3 requests for me to join people's groups.
ROCK BAND COMES IN 9 DAYS UYHR$*IHRHW*YVHJNDVJKNSDKNVSCKNjvn
New layout : t0xicrain

That is all.

"Whatever Dad, I don't even care." means that.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I know I'm going to sound seriously like a spoiled bitch in this post. But what do I really care. I don't. I just have to get my feelings out.

My dad's a pretty manly man, and to see him cry (or at least hear him sniffling, I couldn't bring myself to look over) is pretty upsetting. I thought he just had a cold until he started to talk and his voice cracked. He said something like this:

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

Yes, now that makes me look horrible. But you have to know the rest of the story, really.

I've been wanting the game Rock Band for a good 7 months. No joke. I have never wanted anything more, video game or otherwise. That's all I've been thinking about. I've been dreaming about the fucking thing. I played it at Best Buy and I wanted it even more. Dad continued to reassure me that, "it'll be fine", "we'll get it", getting my hopes up and everything.

But it's easy to fucking talk when the release date isn't 3 weeks away, isn't it!

Now, I know we've been having a hard time. Both our cars are broken and Dad has to buy new parts. I understand that completely. But I've been hearing rumors that it's going to be hard to get it if you don't get it on the release date, and you'll have to wait until Christmas or maybe even worse.

So, I wasn't about to make Dad go out and buy it. No fucking way, no fucking how. I was pretty depressed, until I came up with a plan that I thought everyone could relate to: Gramma preorders, buys it on the release date, and Dad can pay her back at his will. It's good for Dad because he can pay it back when he feels comfortable that we have extra money. It's good for Gramma because I'm not going to ask for anything for Christmas and all she has to do is this one favor. It's good for me because I get the game that I want for Christmas on the day it releases.

I asked Dad yesterday if this sounded okay, not keeping anything from him and telling him exactly what I planned to tell Gramma. He said "That sounds like a good idea, go ahead and call her when we get home." Great, okay, I'll be able to get it on the release date.

But apparently, Dad is PMSing today.

I sent an email to Gramma yesterday about it, and then she called me back today. My email included buying it online because I thought that would be most convenient for her. But she thought that it would be better to go into Best Buy and preorder, then pick it up and pay for it later, so everything can be done locally. I insist that she talks to Dad because I figure Dad wants to hear everything and wants to make sure that everything is okay.

He goes bat shit insane.

He starts talking about how we don't have any money right now, how I "just can't wait" for it, and making me look like a bad person who didn't even ask him about the whole thing. Basically trash talking me to my own gramma after I told her I had asked him and all. And I did, unless I somehow magically dreamt up asking him (pretty sure I didn't). He hangs up, angry with Gramma, goes into the bathroom pissed and crying or whatever, then comes out and grabs the box of games, walking out the door saying,

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

I NEVER fucking ask for anything. Ever. The last thing I asked for something was March 2007 when I asked for the Xbox 360. That means for 9 months, I've just been quiet and happy with what I had. Even when my Guitar Hero II was broken, I didn't ask for it to be replaced. I've just been happy with what I have.

But when I finally fucking ask for one thing (especially so near Christmas) and come up with a plan that I can get it, Dad goes fucking batshit insane.

You know what, Dad? Your fucking PMSing is causing me physical pain because I'm so upset and your mood swings aren't welcome around me. If I knew that this game would bring SO MUCH fucking turmoil to us, then I would have never even paid any attention to it.

When he walked out the door, I said, "Whatever, Dad, I don't even care. I don't even want it now." And that's the truth, because no amount of physical pain or emotional turmoil is worth some stupid fucking game, no matter how good it is.

I'm going to bed (even though I just woke up). Fuck it.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M GOING TO BE UP OR GET ONLINE, IF EVER SOON.

Right now I just feel like crawling in a hole and dying.

ct2 fangirling ♥

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I (and by I, I mean nyanko_nin) started playing Clock Tower 2 the other day. That is the ONLY game I think that I am better than her at 1 player mode in. I convinced her she should try to play it, and even hooked up the PS2 so she could. But she was hella confused and didn't know the exact steps to get through the level like I did.

It really made me think about old times back in 2002 and 2003 when I first saw that game. I rented Clock Tower 1 first, but I didn't really get to play it all that much so I asked Steve to rent it again for me (I didn't feel like going to the video rental store with my dad and him). He came back with Clock Tower 2 saying something like, "They didn't have the original one so I got this one".

I groaned with annoyance and decided to give this one a try. And although it had shoddy graphics and a confusing gameplay, I really loved the storyline and most of all, Bates. I don't know what it was, perhaps that I was a 12 or 13 year old girl and he seemed to be a badass guy, perhaps it was because he was the only good voice actor in the game, perhaps it was because he got all the best lines, but he was the one who made me shell out $40 to buy the game online (and $20 again on ebay later after I lent it to a friend I never saw again).

S'yeah, apparently Amanda (nyanko_nin) didn't get that far, but I started to watch the endings again on YouTube. I was of course very happy because I got to watch them but something that annoyed me the most was Bates' Japanese voice. It was a.. girl? What the hell? The voice actor sounded apathetic and there was no way in hell she could hold a candle to Roger L Jackson. When they say "Japanese voice acting is always better", they don't mean ALWAYS. Take it from me, rly.

Anyway, I think I'm getting back on a CT2 kick, which is always good. 8D Though I don't feel like unhooking the Xbox 360.. and just ended up playing UNO. I'm trying to get that last achievement! Can you blame me? That'll be the first game I ever finished. ♥ The second one will be ROCK BAND! Mwahaha, can't wait for that.

Well, money's been tight and I don't know whether I can buy The Orange Box but Dad said we could at least rent it again this weekend. I've been hyped about playing Team Fortress 2 again, which has serious replayability.

Maybe he'll buy it when I tell him he doesn't have to buy Army of Two in November (it was pushed back to 2008). Dale said he might get it too. Here's to hoping we have another multiplayer game to play, because as much as I like Gears I'm a little burned out on it...

PS: Rock Band's release date was pushed earlier, to Nov 20 which is 3 days earlier than Black Friday. Hurray! ♥

PPS: New layout

The Companion Cube ...

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

is not salvageable. Steve came over this weekend and I played The Orange Box a lot, so we tried to do some fun stuff. The first thing that we tried was... to save the Weighted Companion Cube on Portal.

We played the game up to that point and then when it came time to throw it in the fire, I spent about a half hour trying to get that door to open with the Companion Cube. I made it so the Companion Cube leaned against the door (and two cameras on the other side so it would go at the right angle) and it fell into place without having to be on the button, therefore leaving the door open. I took the Companion Cube in the chamber with me, and then it proceeded to taunt me.

"Through no fault of our own, for the sake of everything participating in this test, you have managed to trap yourself in this room. A complimentary escape hatch will open in three, two...," GLaDOS taunted.

After that, I whined and told them that I was just going to use the cheat to put portals anywhere. I did and stood on the button, then made a portal at the back of the room. We realized that it doesn't taunt you and open up the hatch unless you actually have the Companion Cube with you.

We tried SO MANY things to get her to open the door along with letting us keep the cube. We found that even if we put a portal at the bottom of the incinerator, the cube would dissolve before we got it there. So then we put one at the bottom of the incinerator and one on the wall, and tried to bring it into the incinerator with us. It still dissolved as soon as we put it in the wall.

Through our studies of around an hour, we have figured out that it's IMPOSSIBLE to bring the Companion Cube back with us.

I'm done with Video Games for awhile.

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to finish playing the games I rented and then I'm going to be done with video games for awhile.

Why? Because everyone online is a fucking JACKASS. I mean, mostly everyone. There are a rare few who are actually nice (who I met tonight) but the stress of the other assholes overpowers any sort of nice people in any sort of sense. The people who are rude are just too many, the ratio is like 1000:1. Every 1000 people I meet, one of them will be nice and actually civil.
Because everyone knows, Anonymous + Audience = Complete Jackass. Tonight I have really figured out this equation more than I have ever known it before.

And for that matter, every time Dale leaves I'm just going to leave too. The only reason I stayed was because some guy who I *thought* was nice and ended up being a complete and utter JACKASS. It just goes to show, you cannot trust ANYONE. ANYONE. AT. ALL. The only people you can trust in this world are your family, your close friends, and people you have known for quite some time. That's ALL.

Anyone else will guaranteed, given a few hours time, turn into a complete jackass simply because they think that they've grown "closer" to you or are on first name basis.

That's another rant I have. Other people on Gears hear me called by [redacted] by Dale and a few other people, and completely RANDOM people (whom I don't know the name of) decide that it's okay to call me by my first name.

What bitch? I didn't realize knowing me for an hour or two constitutes first name basis. Call me by my username at least until I know your name, and it's rude to casually speak to someone with their name if you've heard it third hand. I did not introduce myself to you, bitch, therefore you should have no fucking RIGHT to call me by my name.

Whatever.

/rant

Counters..

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

November Releases for XBox360

Gears of War PC comes out November 6, 2007. It will cost $0 (what, you think I'm actually BUYING it?).
Army of Two comes out November 13, 2007. It will cost $60.
Rock Band comes out November 23, 2007 [Black Friday, blah]. It will cost $170 bundled.

Now, if any of you have any idea as to how I'm going to hit Dad up for $230, tell me. I might just ask for these for an early Christmas present.

Also, it was Ayu's birthday a few days ago. I forgot to mention anything, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY AYU! Hope you had a great one.

Yo

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I rented Bioshock and watched Amanda play it for like 11 hours straight, finishing it. I'm trying to convince her to get the rest of the achievements, not necessarily because I want the achievements (I mean I do, but mostly because) I want to see how pumped up the guy is with everything upgraded. XD

It was on easy, so in order to get ALL the achievements, we'd have to go back and redo it on hard. Amanda said to do that myself but I'm extremely bad at those games and I probably couldn't even beat it on easy, so I'm gonna have to give up on that achievement. There's a couple more that I know I probably won't get (one about atom, one about the info tapes). I still have about 4 days on it including today so I'm sure we can get a few more before we have to take it back in.

I might rent Halo 3 after that.. dun dun duuuun.

Sorry

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Sorry I haven't been updating a lot. It's mostly because I'm always talking about things that annoy me and never really talking about the good things in life. Since my life has been fairly good lately, I've had no reason to update. Heh.

I suppose that I should write an entry about the things that are going well in my life, or what has happened lately, hmm?

Amanda (who has actively been wishing her name was Aimee) has been staying at my house. She has her computer set up on my living room table, and all those wires have added to the clusterfuck which I'd like to call underneath my computer table. We have both our computers plugged in, so she enabled network sharing and took The Sims 2 (and all expansions) from my computer. It doesn't even work on mine.. so I uninstalled a few expansion packs and I hope that'll fix the problem, because I really wanna play.

Off of that topic, have you ever just stopped and realized, "wow, I might be going to spend the rest of my life with this person"? I mean, I've been dating the same person for at least 5 or 6 months, but this is just now setting in fully. It's not even a debate with myself, it's really what I think is going to happen. And even though my gramma keeps urgently encouraging me not to settle down young, she has to realize that I am not her. I think that's been a hard thing for her to realize, and she knows just as much as I do that I'm most likely going to marry young. Everyone is different (Amanda is a case in point, she doesn't even want to think about getting married until she gets out of the marines) but I know what I want to do as far as that goes.

Off topic: Does anyone have any really good computer games they could suggest? I'm bored.

From 150kb/s to 600kb/s by Friday

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I upgraded from 1.5mbps DSL to 6mbps DSL. I think it's gonna make a huge difference.

This will also mean I can upload 160kb/s, which will mean I'll be more inclined to upload when I can upload faster than I used to be able to download!

As for life, not much is going down. Dad and I have both agreed to start to try a little harder on the driving thing, and I'm going to go to a temp service to get a job after I have my GED. <3

I'm gonna go play a Harvest Moon that WON'T delete my game now-- Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life! Then again, it did mess up when I was playing this game before (had to send in my Gamecube.. but that's another story all together.)

too lazy

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Too lazy to take pictures of what I got. But here's the stuff that sticks out:

Gears of War t-shirt
Portable CD Player
Pokemon Fire Red
Harvest Moon DS
Picross DS
Some 23-in-one game thing
Mario Kart DS

Number one example of a bipolar's

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

NOTE!:
Most complaining in this post is based around my own selfishness and being jealous of FRIENDS and a VIDEO GAME.
I mean, seriously. Who gets jealous over a VIDEO GAME? not to mention FRIENDS?!

I'm not going to do a writing prompt today because I'd rather talk about my day for once.

I woke up around 1am to 2am..ish. Talked to Matt because today was going to be my day with him, we were gonna play Yahoo! Graffiti but we never did (we ended up playing other things and played Graffiti the day before). I tell him I want to play Gears, even though I had been waiting for Dale to get on I figure I waited enough and that we should go play.

I go to make a match and then Matt says someone else is joinable. He said I might not want to join it because it's Shep's game but I said "I don't fucking care", realizing that Dale was supposed to be over there I figured they were split screening or something. Little do I know, Dale's on another username. Without any sort of notice to me.

So obviously I'm getting really upset, not pissed, upset. On Escalation I said I wanted a sniper, and then the next round LinX took one..

I literally started crying..
..over a sniper getting ganked.

Yes, it might seem like that on the surface but there was so much happening at the moment that just pressed down on me. The compounding of:

Waiting for Dale only to see that he was in a game already and didn't even bother to tell me the username he'd be using much less send me an invite
Dale paying absolutely no mind to me (see NOTE at the top)
Not being able to win and I'm a poor loser (it's literally impossible with their laggy ass connection, not to mention that many hosts on one team)
Having a really bad day
Getting actived down all the time
LinX taking the sniper

All that just made me cry and actually feel like dying, like most every day anyway. So then I was fed up, so I left (the final move on me was me getting actived). Then they have the nerve to say I think she's mad and send me a message why'd you leave?.

I then went to go spend the rest of the night with Matt. Damn, was the rest of the night fun! He really made me forget about being upset, haha. First we played Command & Conquer 3, which I beat him at as I usually do, but he didn't complain or anything. We just talked most of the time and such. After playing C&C, we played Gears. This was the most fun part of the night.

We decided to go 1 on 1 after seeing that no one really wanted to join. I kept shooting his head off (we were sniping against each other) and then he said something like maybe I'm LETTING you win which caused me to start to let him win. XD

When I was trying to snipe Matt's head on the next match, we were talking about food and I said something like "I'll eat any meat as long as it has turkey on it!" I meant to say barbecue sauce. A second passed.. and then Matt said "What?" and then I started laughing SO HARD because I sniped his head but at the cost of looking really, really stupid. On this match though, we just messed around a lot until someone actually joined. His name was freakin' slicedogg. We had a conversation like this..

Matt: Who freakin' names their Xbox Live profile "slice dogg"?
Me: Apparently a lot of people, because he had to put numbers after it.

Laughter ensued. Then, on Gridlock, all sorts of people joined. The most notable being HOWHI (pronounced Howie), whom we kept joking was our best friend (we laughed at his name for SO long), Brian2893832 (then I made a joke about them being in a boy band together), and Man on Crack420 who proved that he was really on crack by being a shitty sniper and inevitably losing the round for us all the time. Next match, on Canals, we made a SUPER TEAM!:

HOWHI
Man on Crack420
winter twilight (me)
MobCityMANNG (Matt)

We were in private chat the entire time and I don't even think they had mics, but it was fun as hell. It was rather close too. We were up against two super evil guys with guests (one being MightyMouse-- by this time, we were joking how all the freaks come out at night). Whenever the guest would active me down, I'd just boot him haha. That round ended up being 7 to 7, until Man on Crack420 proved to be a valuable asset by winning it for us!

We were laughing 98% of the time and I laughed so hard I cried, and laughed so hard I snorted a few times. But after Canals I could tell Matt was getting drowsy and sure enough he said he wanted to go to bed, so I said goodbye and joined back to Shep's game.

Big mistake.

I got in a message-argument with Dale again, which started off with me APOLOGIZING, then taking the blame for any argument caused. I'd rather take the blame all the time than have an argument. I didn't talk a lot, I recall only talking 2 or 3 times, and that was to RuRaK or LinX (both of whom were definitely high). RuRaK said some pretty nice things about me so I was happy, but of course the connection was laggy and also I wanted to go Locust and they pushed Start before I could.. so I just left.

Mostly, a very mixed emotion night, but I think the good times outweighed the bad times. Just thinking back at it makes me laugh. I definitely gotta do this way more often.

"What is your favorite room in your home and why?"

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Writing Prompt #3: What is your favorite room in your home and why?

My favorite room is the living room! Not only because I have a lot of funny memories in here, but also because it's where I spend 97% of my time (1% in my bedroom to sleep, 1% in the bathroom, 1% in the kitchen). It has my TV, my computer, and the bigger TV. It's close to the kitchen and close to the bathroom. I only use the bedroom to sleep, as to try to avoid insomnia (I read it in an insomnia book somewhere: don't use your bed for anything but sleep or sex).

Short one today, but that's because I'm too busy playing games with Matt, haha.

Writing Prompts

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to start using writing prompts again because I fail hardcore at updating if I don't. I'm using the prompts from the first page I got from googling: this one. I'll try to update daily, which should last me awhile. I refuse to do stupid ones though, like "WHAT IF THE COWS GAVE ROOTBEER INSTEAD LULS."

First prompt: "What is something you dislike about yourself?"

The #1 thing would have to be my lack of friends and the REASON I lack friends. I know perfectly well why I lack friends, I've attempted to change it, and I can't. This is just the way I am. (I started thinking about this when I was talking to Matt about it the other day.)

The only reason I lack friends is the plain and simple fact that I am bipolar. If all you out there in LJ land don't know what bipolar is I suggest you read the Wikipedia article but here's the condensed version: people who are bipolar go through "stages" of moods. I'll paraphrase.

Stage I: "Depressive phase" (aka "Bad Days"): Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, shyness, chronic pain (with or without a known cause)*, lack of motivation

* most of the time the chronic pain is in my stomach, I'll feel weak to my stomach for no apparent reason

Stage II: "Mania" (aka "Really Good Days"): Rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, increased interest in goal-directed activities, more severe version of Stage III

Stage III: "Hypomania" (aka "Good Days"): An uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny, 'artistic' state, flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, obsessional behavior, ability to improvise easily on the spot, increase in subconscious movement*, excessive sexual activity, increased self-esteem, being more talkative than usual or feeling pressure from within the thought process to keep talking (i.e., cannot stop until the story is done)

* usually biting my nails

Stage IV: "Mixed State" (aka "Really Bad Days"): A condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously. Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted.

When I'm in a Stage VI mood, I will snap at people randomly, feel guilty later, cry randomly, snap again, have hot flashes because of random anxiety, etc. That's just the way I am and hell if I'll take medication to stop it. Also, if you're curious, today is a Stage III for me. Yesterday was Stage II.

Why the point of this? To explain why I don't have friends, naturally: when someone catches me in a bad mood, I go OFF on them. Normally what happens...

1) I get pissed off because of some small little minuscule thing that others wouldn't even notice.
2) Go off on my current target. It may not have been who caused it, most likely it's one of my really good friends, usually I bitch about it to them but occasionally my "target" is a friend that I don't really consider to be really a good friend, but because they caused the problem I go off on them.
3) Anger lasts 10 minutes, but in those 10 minutes I say something EXTREMELY stupid. Because I'm prideful I refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that I did anything wrong.
4) Somewhat-good-friend either takes this and understands how I am (becoming a good friend) or stops talking to me so often, and stops being my friend.

Believe it or not, 96% of people land in the last group, the people who know I'll do it again and prefer not to be stressed out by my bitchiness. The only two people that I know who have really been able to "accept" that I do this is Matt and Amanda. Dale is not one of those people because whenever I get angry I deliberately direct it away from him, because I'm afraid that if I do that too often he'll stop liking me.

The people who are my really good friends have learned that I do this and can get past it anyway. And I'm glad that they can, because this is my major flaw and what keeps people away from me. That and the fact that I'm a "loner"-- I genuinely prefer my own company and rarely talk to anyone (usually it's others talking to me, and usually it's unwelcome, at least at school).

Matt said the reason he doesn't mind it is because he knows I'm not that way all the time, and that I can be awesome when I'm not angry or sad. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..

[edit] My brother just got a leopard gecko and sent me a frantic message to help him on xbox because he thinks his gecko is sick. I gave him all the tips I could and he's still worried, and it makes me really heartsick and almost makes me wanna cry because he's so worried about it. He even has a little coconut for the gecko to go in when he has to shed. He's been really considering hard a gecko and researched it, and I am going to be really pissed/sad if the gecko is sick. I'll probably cry, hell, I almost am right now.

Begin killing me now..

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm thinking about changing my XBox Live name. Again. For the last time. This is mostly because Manng obviously wants to join AJ's new clan thing and I just don't see the point in having TheOnlyNate anymore-- so, which one of these would all of you there out in LJ land prefer to see me be known as?

01) six Eighteen [I'm not sure if I could even begin to enjoy being called "six" all the time though.]
02) gray scale [I like this one a lot, but I'm not sure if it's already taken. I tried many variations and they all seemed to not be taken but I might be wrong.]
03) F0REV3R [This is probably my favorite out of the three, and the one I will most likely pick unless I can get a really strong argument for one of the other two.]

BTW I will soon be getting a "new" graphics card (AGP Radeon 7500 128MB)-- I already bought it and am awaiting it at my doorstep. May the days fly by. :]

Nevermind! I'm joining MOBCITY so I'm gonna be mobcityMAKOTO.

Cheating is for.. cheaters. But what is

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Dale and I had a conversation today, well.. maybe an argument (I was fairly defensive for no apparent reason). I don't really know. It was about Command & Conquer 3. He said that he wanted to try to help me but he was telling me step-by-step how to beat him. I don't want a walkthrough. I'd rather lose a million times then win ONCE with a "walkthrough". He said he wasn't giving me a walkthrough but instead he was giving me tips. I didn't consider "Put up anti-infantry, I'm bringing in infantry" to be a 'tip'. I know he means the best and just wants to help.. he even got to the point where he asked "do you even like to play this game?" after I said I was too lazy to do the campaign.

I was even too lazy to do the campaign on Gears of War until I did it with someone else... I have no real desire to play a game that I can't play with others. I may be spoiled in this way.

But I'm glad he's trying, and I really appreciate it-- though my attitude doesn't seem like that. Sometimes I hate myself, I really have to start acting better or I'm afraid he's going to leave me because I'm such a bitch. I don't know why I get so fucking defensive of my weird personality and attitude towards video games and life in general, especially when I try so hard not to.

Proper Entry

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Birthday
My birthday was kind of low key. I got a few very 'expensive' things. I got Clock Tower II for $20 on ebay (the first auction I've won!). I bought the Clock Tower II and Clock Tower 3 guides from someone on LiveJournal for $25. The Command & Conquer was bought for $40 on ebay. The Camera + Year of Live pack was from my dad, and he claims that's all I'm getting (which will probably be the cheapest birthday gift of all-- usually I get $150 from him but the pack was $80-- I'm not complaining though because he got me a 360 for no apparent reason). The shoes were $60 and were partially from Steve and partially from my Gramma. I want to thank all those people from the bottom of my heart because it's made my birthday a lot better. Also I got a cheesecake from my dad, unfortunately I didn't get a picture of that before it got ate but it was really great.. And I still have Ayumi Hamasaki's album "Duty" and single "A" coming in.

My gramma thinks Danny's in love with me
My gramma took me aside and told me that Danny was "staring at me like he loved me" and "being really cute to me" and etc. She said I should give him a chance. I told her no way. I already have someone, which I will talk about later. Upon telling her that my significant other lives 3 hours away, she said "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" which basically means I should go out with Danny just because he happens to be here. I thought that was ridiculous. The next day she said she took back what she said-- she says a really good friend is not worth jeopardizing. I couldn't agree more.

Amanda
Amanda is just.. Amanda. She kind of accidentally broke my Guitar Hero II, but she's going to replace it so I'm completely over it. If Amanda wasn't Amanda then I wouldn't like her so much. We were in a semi-argument but she broke it by sending me a birthday card and everything was great again. :]

Danny..lives at my house now?
Danny has been living at my house for the past two weeks. I certainly don't have a problem with it, it's fun to have someone to talk to, too. He has his own name on my xbox and plays occasionally but he plays the PS2 more often anyway. That brings me to my next category I suppose.

Gears of War
Gears has been.. hectic lately. Maybe I should separate this into different categories.

Hosting: Hosting has been.. different. I've been kicking people so much that my reputation went from 5 stars to 4, and I've gotten really quick with it. I've been kicking those who active reload with the sniper because I think it's cheap. People seem to hate me for it, and it seems that drama gets easily started up over it.

Drama: So much drama has gone on. I've lost most of my friends list because of my fault or their fault.

Dale was complaining about Moaozis complaining and when I bitched at Moaozis he dared call me a bitch. He was muted and hasn't been in my games since.
Rurak was muted because he was annoying when high but I unmuted him the next day. He's probably one of my favorite Gears friends and him writing "unmute me" on the ground with the lancer was just too awesome.
Manng was muted for a day because when my xbox froze he went to host his own game. It really pissed me off at the time but now I'm just like whatevs. Haha.
Poem got muted for shouting "OMGZ HOST!" and hasn't been unmuted yet. He was really sarcastic about it and he was one of the people that was talking behind my back about me, so he can go fuck himself.
Jesus has been muted for quite some time but I also hear that he's talking about me behind my back so whatever slim chance he had of being unmuted is now gone.

Dale
Yes, he warrants an entire category for himself. Why? Because he's the closest person to me right now (and always will be), not to mention he's my boyfriend in every meaning of the word. It's been kept fairly low key though because I think he's afraid of people giving him a hard time about the long distance relationship thing (though I wouldn't consider a few hours away to be exactly long distance). I've been trying really hard to convince him to get a cam and he said he would as soon as he got a ride to to the store. Unfortunately there have been a lot of things that have prevented him from getting one thus far but that's okay, I'm patient. Rurak went onto Dale's team to say something along the lines of "Dood, I think Amber likes you!!" a few days ago and he told me that.. we both laughed, because we've had a thing for awhile I guess. My entire life right now revolves around him, from getting up to falling asleep-- and I think his life is revolved around me too. And I have absolutely no problem with that.

Anyway, it's been a long freakin' few weeks as you can tell. If you have any more questions about these things, just ask me. If you're reading this it's most likely that you know how to contact me. :]

On The Weekend

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I went over to Gramma's on Thursday because Steve was over there and I hadn't seen gramma in awhile. I told Dale in AIM that I wouldn't be back until Friday, but he seemed to ignore that and still ask Amanda where I was. That's okay though, because apparently I said I'll probably be back on Friday and he took that as I went over to Amanda's or something. I must've neglected to say I was going to my gramma's. Oops.

Anyway, when I went over to my Gramma's, she told me not to bother to take a shower and to hurry up because we were gonna go to Pirates of the Caribbean 3. But I hurried up and got back and it seems as if she didn't wanna go at that time. I setup my xbox 360 downstairs and went upstairs. She bought a SNES and like 40 games, so I looked through them and found one I liked: Tetris. I played Tetris for what seems like ages while waiting for Steve to get back. He had gone to my aunt's to help put something on the roof, some sort of white material. He slipped and fell in it and got it all over him, and after that he quit and came home. Following that we played a few Guitar Hero II songs along with Zach and then we went to POTC:3. Zach threw a fit in the theater and said he would rather play video games, but Roger forced him to come along anyway. Apparently there was something after the credits but it was retarded anyway, so I felt like I wasted 10 minutes watching the credits. Oh well. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.

The next day, I was woken up by Zach's pet rabbit in my face licking it. Zach brought his pet rabbit (actually, the school's pet rabbit) home for the summer and was basically abusing it. Everyone felt sorry for it. Anyway I was woken up by it, and bribed Zach to leave me alone by telling him he could play Guitar Hero II. I got up anyway and went upstairs to do basically nothing. I kept playing Steve at Tetris but he couldn't seem to beat my score (because I'm awesome at it). Later that day, we went out to eat with two lesbians o_o. I couldn't tell they were lesbians until it dawned on me when one of them said they played football. I was like, "Oooh...". But the place we ate at was pretty fancy, and I had steak, but I felt like a jackass asking for steak sauce. The bathrooms were weird, they had saloon like doors and I didn't feel like I was covered when I was using it. After that we went home and played a little Monopoly, in which Steve was probably the funniest guy in the world, nearly giving my gramma a heart attack from laughing so hard. My gramma asked me if I wanted to go to Wisconsin Dells for a week, or have $100, and I decided that I'd rather have $100 so she put it in my paypal account. I felt like a jackass there too because she probably wanted us all to have a trip before she died or something, but I still would rather have $100. We also watched some 80s music videos and gramma told us a funny story. She said that she thought she knew that song "Take on Me" when my mom was younger, and so she belted out loudly "COMEEE ON MEEE!" and my mom was like "WHAT ARE YOU SINGING!?". Gramma specifically told me not to write about it in my blog. That's why I am. Heeee.

The next day, I was woken up by Roger saying my dad had "something important to tell me about" and I freaked out, naturally thinking he was sick or hurt or something. I called him back and he said he didn't say anything like that, so I got pissed off at Roger for lying to me to get up. Gramma said I was the one who got up the quickest but that's because I thought my damn dad was hurt, which is an evil and mean way to get someone up. Anyway we ate breakfast and then I came home after that. That's basically all that happened.

When I came back, there was Mad Magazine on my seat and a lot of stuff on my computer, like some genki beam stuff in my email and I had to play Ragnarok with Dale so I had too much to do and was overwhelmed at first. That's what I get for leaving those things alone for like, 2 days.. -___-;

Another school year over...

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

And yet another school year comes to an end this Thursday. It will be the end of my laziest and easiest year in school, and come next September it will be one of my most difficult. I hate change, and by this time next year, I will have to have..

a driver's license.
a job.
30 hours of community service logged.
gym class finished.
class dues paid.
gone to prom, maybe.
bought graduation things, including senior pictures.
gotten ready to get on my feet as an adult.

I had a talk with my dad today. He was wondering who I talked to on Xbox and on the computer so often, and when he found out that it wasn't Amanda he wondered how much they knew about me. But I'm going to be an adult soon. Anything can happen when I'm out on my own, and I don't intend to stay here much longer after I turn eighteen. He obviously wants me to stay a child forever, but soon I will have my own house and be self-supportive. After I mentioned this he said he would always be paranoid about me. I asked him why he wasn't paranoid about Steve and he said it was because Steve was a guy. That pissed me off. I can probably fend for myself better than Steve! He then said he knew there were freaks out there who pray on guys too, but he said he's just "worried about me".

It makes me think he doesn't trust me. I know what I'm doing and I'm mature enough to handle myself. I wish he would give me more credit, especially as I am going into adulthood and my senior year of high school.

Stress

Thu, 31 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Today was very very stressful and tiring to me.

Early this morning around 2 am I left because Dale and Amanda were annoying the hell out of me and upsetting me for laughing at me about lag. LAG! So I just said I was leaving, and left. Apparently Dale was only able to sleep a few hours because of it and I felt really bad, and we'd both put it behind us.

Then I decide I'm going to make up my hour that I owe after school. When I had to make up an hour, I only ended up making up forty minutes and she let us go early. Huzzah.

Almost immediately after that, I got called by my friends to go out for ice cream-- "my treat" said Lydia. We went to Dairy Queen; I got some chocolate strawberry thing that I didn't really like too much but it was good nonetheless. Afterwards we came back to my house and played a little Guitar Hero II and Gears of War before they had to leave. (See pictures at the end of the entry)

That's what got me started on Gears. Today was different than other days, on normal days I would neglect to get on Gears and just go right to Ragnarok Online. But today, I was on Gears: Dale said he had a friend coming over anyway and I wanted to play with them because I'd feel lonely if I was playing RO by myself. Okay, that was fine for a little while.

Until people started getting bitchy.

People were being generally jerk offs. And then Shep mutes me for no apparent reason, along with Valentine and "all the other 'only's except Moaozis, Dale, David, and Sam". What the fuck? Well, I muted him, blocked communications, removed him from my friends list and he's no longer allowed in my games. Fuck that. I don't really give second chances.

And then to top it all off Mom got all drunk and started calling about child support again. I'm not going into it, but the good part is Steve will be visiting Gramma's soon and will bring along Guitar Hero II controller so perhaps we can get some achievements together. Blahhh. (I also spoiled myself by buying Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for the Xbox 360 arcade. I'm planning on playing it with Steve tomorrow-- he said he wasn't getting back online because of the drama, and I don't blame him.)

All in all, the day wasn't "good" or "bad". It was just "tiring". Thus, after I'm done uploading this pictures I shall sleep.

Fuckers.

(the pictures are all around ~1.5.mb and 1000px wide, make sure your computer can handle it)

This [Long] Weekend

Tue, 29 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Friday: I skipped school and Danny came over. Amanda came over on Friday night.. we played Gears and such. We also played Guitar Hero II... we had a Guitar Hero II tournament. I'll post the rankings in a moment.

Saturday: We went over to Danny's early in the morning to go to his birthday party. He is turning sixteen on Tuesday.. They had ice cream cake, and it was good. We had to help some ghetto people push their broken car down the road. Danny's dad talked to me a lot about guitars and stuff but I wasn't really listening all that much. We talked about politics while Danny and his friends hung out on the bedroom dancing and shit. I was bored of that..

Sunday: Since Caleb (danny's brother) came over Saturday night, we played a little Gears early Sunday morning (around 1 am). Then we played Guitar Hero II. Caleb went home and Amanda did too but Danny stayed over again on Monday. I felt kind of bad because..

Monday: Neglected to really pay attention to Danny and played Ragnarok Online with Dale and Amanda a lot. I felt bad because of it but that's okay.. I guess.

Also, I only have to make up one hour after school.

I haven't played Gears in a few days. That's a record.

That's all.

A lot to touch on.

Wed, 16 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Venture to Amanda's new house

I went to Amanda's house yesterday (or was it the day before?) and exhausted myself a little. Her computer is really running nicely and I can't say I'm not jealous. I'm also trying to join the card game Genki Beam so I have something to do when I'm bored. I want Amanda to make me a layout for it, considering she made a really cool one for herself, I want her to use that code to make me one too. Whether she will or not, time will tell...

Tsuji is replaced in Gyaruru

Apparently Abe Asami (Abe Natsumi's sister) is replacing Tsuji in Gyaruru. I can't say I'm disappointed: I like her and I think she's cute, but I definitely would've preferred Tsuji.

Changed Xbox username

Some big news: yesterday I changed my name from heartkill to TheOnlyAmber (echoing TheOnlyDale, TheOnlySam, TheOnlyDavid, TheOnlySheep, etc.) Rurak also changed his name from x3 RuRaK to TheOnlyRuRaK and richardkills claims he'll change his name to TheOnlyDick (the best one out of them all!) But because of this, my online stuff broke and I will have to resign up sometime.. I'm too lazy to now.

Boasting on Guitar Hero II + achievement points

I finally finished all the songs on Medium on Guitar Hero II with 5 stars. That, and getting another achievement, boosted me up to +1000 achievement points, finally. It's great to be in quadruple digits.

Bedtime

I've also been going to bed way earlier which may have something to do with my dad being home this week to make sure I'm not going to bed too late.. I've been getting really tired around 11:30pm or so, and I feel kinda bad because Dale always is disappointed (yet that makes me feel wanted!).

School

Also, I finished "To Kill a Mockingbird" (which ended up being a good book) and my Econ study guide (2 weeks early) so I won't have much to do in school. There will be a Battle of the Bands also this Saturday but since Xbox.com says there's a "sunrise-to-sunset Gears of War-a-thon" I might do that instead. I haven't decided... Also I had to sign up for College Accounting, a class I took just to fill the semester, because it was being run by LMC. All this school stuff is a little confusing but at least there will be an "activity day" on the 25th (probably because the following Monday is Memorial Day which we get off). I will kick ass at DDR and GHII. :D

My Dad is Wise (and update on broken xbox

Sun, 13 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

My dad is wise. When I told him about David, he said "Love is a strong word, it isn't one that you should just be throwing around.." and he was right.

Too bad David didn't have a father like I do. David decided that since I was giving him attention that he'd go out with me. Apparently I'm the "first girl that gave him attention and he jumped the shark" on the relationship. Needless to say, today he broke up with me. I'll admit, I was upset at first, only to realize that I didn't really care about a half hour later. Why? There will always be others. I'm not talking to David again, I'd rather I forgot that embarrassing part of my life (I told my FAMILY for Godssakes, naturally I was pretty serious about him!).

I kept bitching at him and he kept telling me not to hurt his feelings, but he hurt mine and I wanted to hurt his back. Call me childish, but that's the way I felt. We aren't talking again. I will leave any matches that we both happen to join, and have blocked most forms of communications-- I'm not the type of person who can just "forget it and move on".

Anyway, about the Xbox 360. We went to Best Buy to exchange it under the Best Buy 30-day guarantee, and it worked pretty fine. We dealt with some idiots, but what do you expect? It's Best Buy. The most trouble we had was I forgot Gears of War at Amanda's house and had to go get it.. then I showed it to him on the monitor. He's pretty foolish, he didn't even know how to turn on the controller.. then again, someone in front of us told us that they were turning theirs in because the "controller wouldn't be recognized by the XBox 360". Amanda's wouldn't be recognized on mine either, that's why we had to learn how to reassign controllers to different Xbox 360's. . . apparently that guy just got a new 360 for his lack of knowledge. Haha..

Also, something funny: they told Dad to wait in another line.. and then they told him to go back to the line he was in before. He got so pissed that he didn't go AROUND the belt-pole-barrier thing, he ripped it out and walked right through it when it went flinging at the dumb customers. Lmao.. The person who was exchanging our Xbox (the dumbass thought that we were returning it-- why would we return it and buy a new one?) looked at the customers it flung at and said "Are you okay, did it hit you?" And one of the guys said sarcastically/in a funny manner "It hurt me :(". It was pretty hilarious, so it was hard trying not to laugh.

I have to redownload everything but it looks like I'm not going to have to buy them again. I'm thankful.. I'm also thankful my dad comforted me when he came home and I was crying over David, and I'm glad that he took me to the store and put up with the idiots for me. Although this is Mother's Day, I really think that dad should get more recognition as a great father.

Xbox 360 Repair: The Battle Begins...

Sat, 12 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I bought Guitar Hero II on Friday and started to play.. hm.. it glitched a little (went to a black screen when I was playing one of the songs) and caused me to fail. No biggie, I just went back and retried to do that song.. It's fine to glitch up once in awhile.

... but when you ruin my Gears of War, you're bound to get smashed and thrown off the balcony.

Yes, somehow this game decided to corrupt my Gears of War too. What did I do to deserve that? Played a different game? This console is not but a few weeks old. I fully intend to take it back to Best Buy.. since I believe it is still in the 30-day warranty. Apparently I have a Microsoft warranty until 2008 April, but I don't intend to mess with them until the last resort, considering all the horror stories I've heard about them (not to mention just taking it in and exchanging it gives me instant gratification). Buuut, I'll have to redownload the following things:

- Both Gears of War map packs
- Boom Boom Rocket
- Joust
- My Gears theme
- Updates for my game

It would cost me 1600 MP ($20) to have to buy these again, not to mention just because they're tied to my gamertag I will have to play them only when I'm online.

Thanks Microsoft. 3% failure rate my ASS.

edit: I just checked, I got my Xbox 360 on April 22, 2007. So.. it's been literally 21 days since I got it. They'd damned well BETTER give me a new one. I'll have to remember to bring the controller and microphone because they'll probably want that too.. in fact I'll most likely just bring everything home and hope that it works after not being played for a day or so..

edit2: I called Best Buy and literally someone said in one breath "What you need to do is bring it into the store so we can inspect it okay bye". Greeeat customer support, Best Buy. All I can hope is that they fix it or I get a new one.

Dreams

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Last night I had a dream that Ethan died. It was upsetting.. I’m not sure why. I haven’t talked to him in over a year, yet his deviantart says he came online two days ago. I bugged him by sending him a note, but I think he’s just trying to get on with his life. I should probably respect that, but I’m not. Ha!

Kiah’s been not on for a few days also, so I feel a little lonely. I barely have any good friends, so I need to make some (any takers?). Right now there’s just Kiah and Dustin. I’ve actually started to play video games again, and a racing game at that, so it shows that I really lack any friends.

Also, dad made me feel bad when we were eating out. I mentioned wanting to get a Curves membership this summer since one just opened up around us. He said it was okay, but about ten minutes later he retaliated with “Didn’t I just spend $100 on contacts you don’t even want?” which prompted me to say something along the lines of “I do! I just lost one!” and we got into a big discussion/argument over that. I felt really bad, because it made me think he thought my eyesight and health were unworthy expenses.

I still want to be able to wear Baby The Stars Shine Bright clothes. That means somehow I’ll have to get down to a size 9, and then I’ll have to get the money to actually buy them. I think the weight will be more of an issue than the money.. But that is my dream. So I guess the post title means both physical dreams, and life dreams, even those which can be considered unobtainable.. but I don’t consider btssb to be unobtainable. Just unlikely.

an update for the weekend

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 11:00:00 -0600

OK, so here’s my weekend! Well, how it went, anyway.

At the beginning of the weekend, on Saturday (before Amanda came over), Steve, Danny, Caleb, and I were all playing Mario Party 5. It was all good and dandy, even after Amanda came over. Until Steve got his attitude about losing. It seemed he got mad because I kept winning all the mini games, but he obviously was just pretending to be mad so he could quit and jump onto the computer.

wiszlkgxz;kxzvjxcl

Fri, 08 Oct 2004 12:00:00 -0500

i couldn't type because there was someone looking over my shoulder. -___- since i've proved blogging in class is OK to the teacher i don't have to play the minimize game.

i'll update later. i just wanted you to know i am alive.

What a weird dream.

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

I had a weird dream about sex with Bates and zombies. Care to read more?

Raagh. It was a good dream at first. We were at my gramma's house (wtf?) and out in the garage, going at each other, but I kept being interrupted by my mother or grandmother calling me into the house to put on my jacket. Which was odd, because I didn't have any clothes on, and they wanted me to put a JACKET on? Oh well.

That part of the dream ended, and I woke up about 9:00 AM, thinking it was 9:00 PM and looking out the window, thankfully it was only AM. Then I went back to sleep and had the zombie dream.

Some of the characters from Resident Evil were in the dream, kept in a house by a crazy person that sent zombies for them. There was a lot of romance between Claire Redfield and.. another boy in blue from the games, I just couldn't remember who he was. So when zombies interfered, I didn't mind.. but it was so sad. The rest of them had to sit on a tall bed and watch the boy shoot the zombies, and he made it through all the zombies. They then were about to be allowed to be let out, but this has happened many times in my dream: the crazy guy locks them in the house instead. I yelled out "run for the door!" and we/they did, only to come to a crossroad: go up the stairs or go down? The logical thing would be to go down to where the exit was, but we didn't, we went up and there were more zombies. We broke the window and jumped out, we all survived except there were zombies down on the streets. There was no way we could win, so I shouted out "Quick, push "Start" and "Restart mission"! And then one of them whined, "But then we'll have to see ourselves be eaten!" so I said "Then quick, turn off the playstation!" and no one did and we all got eaten.

The end. =x Scary dream that was, though.. And I ended up waking up at about 10:00 AM. So the dream only took an hour. XD

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Sat, 18 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

It was such a good movie.. ^^; Jill Valentine was so much like the one from the game! Going back and playing Resident Evil: Director's Cut showed me just how cheesy of a game it was, though. It had such bad actors! It was funny sort of.. but Resident Evil had good actors.