Grandma on needing.space

new volunteer position!!!

Wed, 14 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

so on Tuesday (yesterday), i had orientation at the new hospital i'm working at. i stopped by the gift shop for a drink. i had already been thinking about volunteering at the hospital - they have an organization called Sunshine Guild and i really wanted to volunteer but i didn't know who to go to about more information. they were supposed to show us the gift shop and volunteer opportunities during orientation day but sadly it was closed for the day bc orientation ran so late!

Just A Couple More Seconds

Fri, 25 Apr 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Raven,

We are on vacation right now. I bought this journal in hopes of archiving our life. Pictures are great, but I want to describe my emotions as well. And what better way than this?

I don’t know if we will give you this when we are done. Maybe we will keep it forever to ourselves. But knowing that I am not just tossing words into the void is a good incentive.

good lord

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

This freaking journal is ancient. If I end up adding anyone else, please don't judge me from my past entries. There's only a smattering of entries, and when I started this journal in 2009, I was 18 and going through a lot of shit.

I'm now 32 (turning 33 in a couple of weeks) and still going through shit, but the shit is more like, adult shit and not so much teenage trauma type shit.

um, where do I even begin? the last time I made a substantial update was in 2017 or 2018, so 5 or 6 years ago.

I've been through 2 jobs since then, and on the third one. (I swear I'm not a job hopper, the first one laid me off and the second one treated me like garbage)

I was in the linguistics industry, then switched over to my current job in ophthalmology. I work in research studies now.

Toni still pees all over, but she hasn't peed on me since then. We just diaper her, as it's a medical problem. Evil is still a butthead, but not a kitten anymore. We adopted another dog from Elias' mom.

I moved from my tiny apartment into a house in 2019. I am actually currently in a legal dispute with the landlord and expect them to (illegally retaliate) not renew my lease at the end of August. So now, we are looking into buying a house for the first time.

It's wild to look back and look at the kind of stuff I was worried about as a teenager. Like, celebrating that my dad finally let me have my computer in my bedroom (in the days before smartphones lmfao) and fussing over my grandma not wanting me to live with her.

My grandma actually passed away shortly after that, and shortly before she died she apologized about not letting me stay and said I could stay whenever I wanted. What an awful thing to think about now. i was acting like such a brat. I don't know why I couldn't just enjoy her company without bickering over something useless.

I've made a shit ton of progress since that first entry (almost 15 years ago!!)

I just can't believe I was so worried about my computer not being in my bedroom...

triggers are everywhere

Tue, 04 Feb 2020 11:00:00 -0600

i ain’t got no day to day shit to talk about. grandma has been on our mind lately. we can’t stop thinking an dreaming about her… we keep thinking about all the good + bad. last night she came to me in a dream. i asked her if she was alive an for the first time she said, “no i am in your dream. but i’am always with you. + proud of you.”

Microblogs - January 2012

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:00:00 -0600

2012-01-30, 10:31 PM: fuck it, i'm deleting my plurk. anyone need my contact info?

2012-01-26, 6:56 AM: i think i'm finally ready to start rping on lj again. like everyone moved on though

2012-01-20, 12:19 PM: also i should update and say i'm moving out on my own this weekend.

2012-01-16, 2:30 PM: i feel like i'm in a really bad dream. i can't believe she's gone

2012-01-16, 1:33 PM: i wake up to "amanda might lose her job" thank you, work. i appreciate it.

2012-01-16, 2:41 AM: i guess i'm gonna try to sleep. fuck.

2012-01-16, 12:40 AM: well, my grandma passed. i guess the mourning can officially begin.

2012-01-13, 11:51 AM: My grandma is dying. I won't even be touching lj rp for a little while. Sorry. she was fine a week ago...

2012-01-04, 8:28 PM: hey i figured i'd invite everyone to my stream for once

2012-01-04, 11:36 PM: tumblr rp is gr8 ok guys. why do some ljers feel the need to snub it. i've met some really amazing rpers on there

Ever again?

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:00:00 -0500

(I realized this journal is disturbingly without updates, so I decided to throw something on here. For those not up to speed: my mother has left her abuser of 15 years. I'm 21. My father got me when I was 11~12. If you do the math, you'll figure out my brother and I had to live with him for quite awhile, too.

By the way, I don't enjoy talking about this. It wasn't a 'relief' to get it all out. In fact, it made me physically sick to dwell on it enough to write it. But, these things need to be said.)

I just had a nightmare where Steve and I were little kids, running from Grandma's house because of the terror that is Tim. No matter how much we ran, we just couldn't get away. I think that is a good metaphor for the living hell we were put through as children.

Children don't get to choose where they live. They don't get the choice of running away-- they have to do what their parents say. And what do you do when all your parent wants is to stay with the abusive, terrorizing asshole, with seemingly no care or abandon for her children? Absolutely *nothing*. You can't do anything; you're a child! You're trapped in this world.

I feel like that dream was reminding me that it's not over yet, at least for my mom. It has been over for me since around 2001 or 2002, when dad got custody of us. Thankfully, he didn't take mom's advice and just "forget about the kids". If we hadn't have had him being proactive and taking custody, the nightmare wouldn't have ended until we were old enough to escape. It would have been a mandatory sentence to stay another six years-- something that I, personally, could not have taken.

I harbor a lot of bitterness and anger for my mother for putting us through this. I know she was blinded by abuse and alcohol, but that is no excuse for putting your children through it. We were human beings, something I think she forgot along the line. Even though we were young back then, we were forced to grow up at a disturbingly young age. Even the psychologist said it in those papers-- "They need to learn how to be kids and let their guard down".

It's not surprising that the psychologist would say something like this. We always had our guard up, because it was impossible to not be guarded when we lived with a terrorist. This is a man who thought it was okay to beat our mother up in front of us. A man who is obviously mentally unwell, for whatever reason (I really don't care why, honestly.)

Let me briefly tell you about one little night in what Steve and I had to come up with. I remember it well: it was towards the end of the nightmare, because we were living in Riverside, at the house that was on top of the garage. Steve and I sat in absolute fear as the terrorist chased our mother around the house with a crowbar. Our mother had hidden his gun from him, underneath his car seat, and I believe he was trying to figure out where his gun was.

Does this scream 'normal' childhood to anyone? Probably not. But the answer from us as kids probably would have been 'yes'-- This was our reality. I don't know why I remembered this night in specific, because they were pretty much all like that. Our reality was waking up every day and escaping to school, and then coming back home to someone who terrorized for fun. Even if we tried to hide away in our rooms, he would come and find us. Whether it was to bang on bongos, or to drag us out to the living room to listen to the blasting music, or try to get us to drink at age 10 or 11... We never got a moment of peace.

Unless we were with our dad.

Our dad was the only moment of peace that we were afforded. We could go over to his house and just get away from it all. He would take us to the movies or let us play games without worry. We wouldn't have to worry about him getting drunk and wreaking havoc. We could just worry about being kids, and for a minute, we could just be kids.

But then it was all over: once the few days were over, and we had to go back to that household-- back to being adults trapped in the bodies of children, back to putting our guard up and trying to tune things out.

Every negative thing that I am today, that terrorizing has made me: neurotic, lack of coping skills for small things, easily bothered, self-conscious, withdrawn, anti-social, depressed. I cannot stand even the littlest of things bothering me. I think I used up my entire lifetime's worth of "patience" and "tolerance" quota when I lived with tim and mom. Now that I'm an adult, little things get to me a disturbing amount.

All of these things are not a natural state of mind for a person. There's no doubt in my mind that going through that mental abuse while I was a child crafted me into that sort of person.

My father has always been supportive of my brother and I. We are very lucky to have someone who cares as much as he does.

My mother? She might have been blinded by the alcohol and the abuse, but in my mind, that does not absolve her of all responsibility for her actions. She kept us children in a negative and abusive environment. Not only that, but she personally thought it was okay to tell me that it was my fault she was in jail, my fault for everything. When my father wasn't the punching bag, I was.

Why? It doesn't make any sense to me. I have no regrets; I would never do anything differently. Am I sorry for "getting her arrested" at Van Andel Arena? Fuck no! Am I sorry for the "stairs incident"? Hell. No.

I was finally old enough to view and realize the world around me was fucked up, and I was a child doing what I could to get myself and my brother out of a really bad situation. I only have praise for my childhood self; miraculously, I was strong enough to defend myself. To sit in court and testify-- at the age of 11-- against the terrorist who had been living in our house for more than five years at that point... That takes a lot of strength.

All of this comes back to my first point... Children cannot do anything to get themselves out of that sort of situation. No matter how strong, no one is going to take a child seriously without an adult by their side. They need help. I'm eternally indebted to my father for providing that help when we needed it. I'm also indebted to all the social workers who helped us out when we were in need. That kind of help is making me consider going into social work.

But to my mother? I think I'm going to need a little more time to heal. When I was younger, before my mom and dad split up, I used to call her "mama". In my mind, that person, "mama", isn't here anymore.

"Mama" didn't drink and did her best to raise her kids in as positive an environment as possible. "Mama" was still a young mother, untainted by the physical and mental abuse of that terrorist. But... That person hasn't been here since 1995. I'm not sure if that person will ever be back.

Will mom ever be "mama" again? Time has yet to tell.

another survey

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0600

Name: [REDACTED]
Straight/gay/bi? It’s complicated. I guess effectively gay, but technically pansexual.
Single? Nope, and I wouldn’t give her up for the world ♥
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Height? 5’2’‘
Eye colour: Green
Happy with it? Actually, I’d rather them be blue. I’ve always wanted blonde hair and blue eyes, but I can’t stand contacts so I can’t help that.
Pets? A gecko named Mitsuo
Piercings? My ears, if they’re even still pierced. They’re probably closed up~ I want to get my lip pierced as well, just haven’t gotten around to it.
Tattoos? Nope. Still considering whether I want one or not… Probably will be considering it for quite a few years. I’m not in a hurry to go ink my skin permanently.
Obsessions? Metallica, Hello!Project, facebook games/ragnarok/games in general, computer

What is the compliment you get most from people? That I have nice eyes, oddly enough. I remember someone once told me that I have “perfect” lips, as in they’re not too Angelina Jolie thick and they aren’t paper thin.
Can you sing? I’d like to think so.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? There are a lot of things I know that I could improve upon, personality-wise. As for physically, I like myself pretty much fine.
What do you like the most about your body? My face.
And the least? Hm.. my weight, maybe? Even though I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago.

DO YOU?
- Smoke? Nope
- Do drugs? Nope
- Read the newspaper? No, just digg.com haha
- Pray? Nope
- Go to church? Nope
- Talk to people even though you hate them? I don’t “hate” people, so this is a fundamentally flawed question. But if I need to talk to someone I dislike, I won’t let my feelings come in the way. But if I don’t have to, then no
- Drive? I can, but I don’t
- Like to drive fast? Naw, I’m pretty much like an old lady
- Like your voice? Not really. I think I sound incredibly nerdy. It’s not as bad when I’m just talking, but when I hear a recording of myself it’s really noticable. Even my singing voice sounds weird to me.
- Hurt yourself? Nope

HAVE YOU EVER?

- Been out of the country? Once… I went to Canada when I was 7. That’s it. We don’t really have the funds to do stuff like that, and even if we did, my dad has a “why leave America?” attitude so I’d probably have to go with my grandma
- Had sex? Yes
- Been in love? Yes
- Had a surgery? Yup.. when I was three, I was rocking on a rocking chair in the garage. I rocked too far and fell back and split my head open.
- Ran away from home? Hmm… depends on the definition. One time, my dad got REALLY drunk and started punching stuff, so I ran away to Amanda’s that night, but that was the only time. (Last time he got drunk too)
- Been so drunk that you know you’re supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can’t remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath? Uh… Just read the previous question’s answer and take a guess as to whether I can stand alcohol or not.
- Thought about suicide? Yes
- Talked on the phone all night? Yes. Actually I talk with Amanda on skype all night almost every day
- Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? Yes, when I was little we used to go camping with Danny and Caleb.
- Killed someone? …
- Had sex with a stranger? No…
- Thought you’re going crazy? Sometimes I still do, haha
- Kissed the same sex? Nope
- Done anything sexual with the same sex? Not yet
- Stolen anything? Hm… a few times stand out to me. Once, when I was really little, I took a strategy guide for Diddy Kong Racing from the store (so it was probably 1997, so I was 7). I didn’t know that they cost money. Also, when I was 14 or something, I stole a can of cheese from the dollar store just to see if I could get away with it.
- Been on radio/TV? Nope
If I were a month I would be: Probably December. Start off as warm, but turn very cold near the end. Hahah.
If I were a day of the week I would be: Tuesday. I’m very boring and not really renowned for anything.
If I were a time of day I would be: 4am.
If I were a planet I would be: Pluto…oh wait
If I were a direction I would be: West
If I were a liquid I would be: Flavored water…
If I were a flower/plant I would be: Rose, insert cliche with thorns, etc.
If I were an animal I would be: A dog… dumb and loyal.
If I were a color I would be: Gray
If I were a fruit I would be: Strawberry
If I were an element I would be: Wind
If I were a food I would be: Beef jerky lols
If I were a place I would be: Alaska?
If I were a body part I would be: DICKS

family reunion

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I went to the family reunion, and all I got was this crappy t-shirt.

My hair is up because it was so hot! Over 100 degrees with the heat index. I keep telling my dad "I need to get a haircut" but we're poor.

There's a certain amount of butthurt revolving this t-shirt. Grandma offered to buy me a t-shirt since they were selling them. They had small, medium, large, and extra large. I said I'd take large, because I happen to know that large looks good on me. Grandma told me to get XL because it will shrink, but they were pre-shrunk so I said I'd get large instead. Roger (my grandma's husband) kept INSISTING that I get XL. Am I really that fatty-chan that I look like I need an XL? Even the large has a little breathing room on me. It fits just right to me. It's not so tight that my fat is hanging all over, and it's not so big that it makes me look three times larger than I really am. I put on a shirt that actually fit me before and my brother said I looked like I lost thirty pounds. That's how bad it is.

It's their fault 90% of my wardrobe doesn't fit me (swimming in them). I do NOT like this, and whenever I buy shirts for myself, I get regular large. Most people (like my brother) respect that large fits me normally and that's the best size for me, but my grandma, for whatever reason, feels like my shirts need to be so big that they can fit two of me in them.

The shirt isn't that great anyway. The only reason I got it is because my grandma insisted, but at least it's one of the few pieces of clothing that actually FITS now.

AT&T Blocks /b/

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

AT&T has made the foolish decision to block /b/ and /r9k/ (4chan). I, for one, am not personally affected because about a half a year ago we switched to comcast, but I know many people are going to be affected. This article says 15.5% of all US internet users use AT&T DSL, which is a pretty sizable amount. (Ironically, my gramma called me today to tell me she got a laptop– and AT&T internet.)

Now, I don’t go to 4chan anymore myself, but this is fucking CENSORSHIP. This is like a slap in the face for everyone who has been trying to fight for net neutrality. It’s definitely a huge step backwards. /b/ may be full of porn and people’s heads blowing off, but the internet is free, or at least, it should be. /b/ has a strong anti-CP policy and mods who enforce that policy. 4chan’s TOS says anything not legal in the USA is not to be posted, and active mods delete anything that would fall underneath a breach of TOS, usually with a ban.

If the reason they’re blocking it is CP or whatever, that’s punishing all of the users for the actions of a select few, which I find to be extremely wrong. Punish the user themselves, don’t punish the masses because a few people don’t know how to follow rules. It’s like… cutting off the nose to spite the face, or something. Hard to believe, but there is ‘good’ and honestly entertaining content on /b/. I know that it’s relatively harmless because I used to be a hardcore /b/tard. Basically, all that existed there was a bunch of cocks and memes being spouted over and over. Sometimes there was intelligent discussion, but for the most part said ‘discussions’ were EUROFAGS vs AMERIFAGS or something similar. The rare CP thread was quickly 404’d.

If they get away with blocking one site, it’s only a slippery slide until they start blocking others. Don’t give them an inch unless you are prepared for them to take a mile. Once they see they can get away with blocking one particular site, they’ll start blocking more and more in the interest of ‘safety’. I have never been the type of person to give away personal freedom for the sake of ‘safety’.

I can see some /b/tards leaving AT&T because of this, and I wouldn’t blame them. AT&T was shitty enough when I had it, but this would definitely be the last straw for me if I were still using their service. Some people on Digg are switching just from the premise even though they don’t personally use 4chan.

There’s an article about it on ED, and I originally found out about it on digg. This will be comcast’s lucky day, I suppose.

TL;DR: The internet is free. If I want to go to the ‘cesspool of the internet’, I should be free to do so, and I recognize with that right comes responsibility. If I don’t want to see mauled bodies, I will close the X myself, I do not need you doing it for me. Quit trying to be Internet Nanny™, AT&T.

some of my past

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Meeting Amanda

Back in 2002-2003, the internet was a younger place (and I was a younger person--12-13). Everyone had AOL, and I was no different. I had AOL 6.0 if I remember correctly, but eventually upgraded to 8.0. I couldn't really get into 9.0 or 10.0 like Amanda.

Amanda is my best friend whom I met in middle school. 7th grade. I was as much of a loner then as I am now, however, we had something in common. Or at least something that I could grasp straws too. She liked anime. The anime that comes on Adult Swim, of course, because we were both 13-year-olds and this is the age of dial-up, trying to download anime would take more time than working up the money to buy it. I remember very vividly how we started talking. I'd just moved to Watervliet, and one of the student council members named Kenny (very nice guy) introduced us. We wrote little notes back and forth to each other, and the first note Amanda wrote me went something like this:

"Hi! :D
Do you want to come over to my house today?"

It was, initially, a huge risk for me. As you may or may not know, the reason I was moved to Watervliet was because I moved in with my dad in 2002. I previously lived with my mom and her husband, both of which were abusive drunks who literally moved our school every year. I had built up a defense mechanism not to get too close. However, I decided to go out on a limb and go to her house.

Now, before she met me, she didn't have the internet. All she had was television. I kept raving to her how great computers are, and how she absolutely needs to get the internet so we can talk over IM. About a month later, she managed to convince her gramma to get a computer. Her gramma kept putting parental locks on it which I showed her how to circumvent, because I'm a little bastard.

But then were the days of KaZaA and dial up. Downloading a song took an hour and I remember waiting months to download a 4gb concert (A MUSEUM- I have since bought it). I also remember accidentally deleting an entire anime series that she was downloading, which must have taken at least a month. Yes, those were more innocent times.

Because of Amanda liking anime (I never really got into it), we frequented anime chatrooms together on AOL. Even before I met Amanda, I'd been rping. I learned about it because I was into HP in 2002 (shoot me, etc). There was a lot of HP RP on AOL in those days (there was even a private chat called hprp). So, I introduced her to rp as we know it today. She was hooked.

We eventually got very close with a few friends of ours. Particularly Leo (whom we called Inuyasha, because that was who he rped), Mercy, and Gin. Mercy and Gin were supposedly long distance lovers and one thing I can vividly remember about them is that they were boning on Amanda's birthday one year because they scheduled a flight to see each other. I wonder how they are today... I've talked to Inuyasha a few times since then, but nothing serious.

For the most part after that, I just hopped around chats where no one cared about who you were ooc. It felt more comfortable that way. It wasn't until late 2004 that I felt the need to come up with another e-persona. It was for a completely different reason this time. thundercake.com. Oh, thundercake.com. You're gone now (replaced by a dA account), but I remember you well.

I have been webdesigning since 2002- since I've been on the internet. In fact, Amanda showed me a crappy geocities website of hers that made me laugh, and I helped her learn a little bit how to design. The problem has always been finding someone who will host your site-- someone who will let you take their space to put up your own little space of the web. Now, way back when, there was pick-me.net. Today, it's still up, but it's not run by the same people. I like this system better, however, back then, there was a tagboard system. Someone tagged saying they were hosting or they needed a host, and people followed through to their site. This is how I found thundercake.com.

When I first encountered the site, it was using iframes and had a little vector cloud. I thought it was very creative, cute, and stuck out in the sea of huge-people-vexels-that-took-5-years-to-load (remember, this was still dial-up days).

I decided that I would be hosted by this person if it killed me. However, their rules stated "I'd like it if we had something in common". I looked down her list of interests. Fuck! We barely had anything in common-- she was a political activist and I was a kid who just wanted an internet host. The host's name was Li, and she was a bisexual extreme liberal.

Thus Bruce was born. How did I come up with my name? I remember very vividly that I turned around and asked Steve, "What's the gayest name you can think of, for a guy?" and he responded "Bruce". Then I needed an AIM name. Closest thing sitting to me was a rainbow pencil, so my AIM name became "arainbowpencil". Ended up going by Rainbow as a nickname, which I carried over to H!O. I still use the username 'agrayrainbow' over there. I IMed her and we talked for a bit. Li welcomed me, and I got to use her webspace:

"Rainbow's my best [online] friend. When I think about Rainbow (or Bruce) I want to use the word "quirky" but that's way too flamboyant for Bruce (which is saying something ;)). He's a fellow anime fan, and we spend long hours talking trash about your website behind your back. He's been a hostee for a LOOOONG time...in fact, I think he was my first, unless that was Megan. He now has his own domain (real-emotion.org) but he's still hosted at Thundercake, giving us a sort of supernatural bond (sort of like, I could delete his site if I wanted to, but I won't). Rainbow's a great person who gets crap from everyone. One day I'll show up in Michigan and kick the asses of his foes. And that's the end of my Rainbow paragraph. When he sees this he's going to squee. And use this face --> XDD"

I should also probably mention I half-assedly crossed this persona to DC++ (a filesharing/chat client). There was this guy from Czech Republic named Diamond that was so gullible that he believed I was a cis dude even though I voice chatted with him. I tried to make my voice sound a bit deeper but it was probably epic fail. Amanda and I still have an inside joke about how his mic lagged and made him sound like a robot.

Next was when I started going by Jason... Oh, Jason.

There were a few people that I regularly talked to in that chat: a girl named Mel, who was actually pretending to be a guy (I had to drag it out of her), a girl named.. god, I can't remember, let's just call her 'bitch' because it's appropriate (also pretended to be a guy).

Ethan

Finally, there was a Canadian 19-year-old guy named Ethan. I don't know whether it was a chick with a better, more convincing act than most, but I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Ethan's rp was on a different level than everyone else's. His was way better. All his rp wasn't about sex-- in fact, he felt almost uncomfortable rping yaoi. The reason why he said he lurked those chats were because he liked watching the interactions. Eventually, I got him to play with me one-on-one and it was like love at first type... or something. I was only fourteen, but if it wasn't love, it was the biggest crush ever. I came online every day to talk to him, vent to him, rp with him.

But he didn't really treat me right. Often he'd cry "Jaaaaay" when I got online, and we'd talk for a bit. He was generally very rude with me, but for some reason, I was into that type of guy. We were both very immature. I remember that part very clearly. We'd say something even remotely sexual, and he would respond with "heh heh" in his teal-blue 8pt Verdana. We had some good times together, despite the fact that my character was a little weird.

Of course, being me, I rped with other people as well, and there was another guy named Luke who ~wanted~ me. I actually enjoyed playing with Luke more than I enjoyed playing with Ethan. That was because Ethan was orthodox, Ethan was normal, and my character, Kaoko, just didn't fit with very well with his, Kish. However, Luke would always play the weirdest scenarios with me and I ate it up.

Point being, I liked Ethan for OOC chat, and I liked Luke for IC.

However, the bubble eventually had to burst. Eventually, I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend (bitch, of course) about the fact that I was, in fact, the certified owner of a vagina. Naturally, she ran and told Ethan, and Ethan pried teeth getting that out of me personally. By this point, we were very close. He even said something along the lines of "thank god, I'm not gay". However, shit hit the fan when I told him I'd just turned 15. For some reason, that made him back off. If it was ~twu wub~ or whatever, it wouldn't matter, right? We'd have to wait to meet nonetheless.

Despite all that, we continued talking. He signed on less often though, and I started to get a bit worried. One week, he didn't sign on at all without any notice, which was a huge blow. When he came back, he said something about a drug overdose? Thing is, Amanda was good friends with Ethan as well. Amanda worked the truth out of him-- and proceeded to send me the log. It was ugly like, "Amber whines about her brother too much. What about MY problems?" and "I'm getting kind of sick of her" and "A friend of mine hung himself and I come online and she's bitching about her brother." Of course, I never knew any of that about him? He insisted to never talk about himself.

But... after I told him I read it, that was basically the end of whatever we had. He stopped signing on, I was heart-broken for awhile. I still had Luke to rp with, but he eventually stopped signing on as well. I think Ethan was the first time I had ever really loved, and it hurt for him to just leave like that. I even got an abandonment complex that a lot of people don't know about or don't understand. Even now, writing about it, is making me kind of sick.

I took a break in 2007, solely playing the XBox, where I met dale. In 2008, I met flag. The rest is history, I guess.

Ethan IMed me again in June 2008. I made the mistake of signing on my MSN one day, and he said that he was just bored (and drunk), IMing old friends. So basically, it was the drunk dialing of the IM world. At that time, I was having my little ill-informed fling with Paul. It was interesting that Ethan would IM me a few days after my birthday and cheer about me being 'legal now'. However, I was willing to throw Paul aside. After all, this was Ethan, the guy I hadn't talked to since 2005. I used a bit of discretion though because I knew it was too good to be true (especially if he was drunk). Naturally, he went AFK for awhile and some girl comes back saying "hey, this is _____, I'm gonna have to steal him away for a bit ;)" and I proceeded to block him. I didn't and still don't have time for that shit.

Luke was one that never found out about my vagina-possession, so when he contacted me in April 2009 and I told him I had a girlfriend now, he said "I thought you were gay?" And he said he had a girlfriend, so I asked him the exact same thing. Basically, he said he wanted to 'catch up' and we ended up catching up for five minutes and I haven't talked to him since.

Cheers.

trapped

Tue, 12 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I'm feeling trapped at the moment.. like I can't go anywhere. Before this, I always had the comfort of knowing I could move to gramma's if things ever got bad. But coming back from her house, it's painfully obvious that she didn't want me moving there. I hinted around moving in and was shot down every single time. That's a scary thought. I have only here to be, and I got in a huge argument with dad yesterday about moving my computer into my bedroom. It's fucking sickening and I feel trapped. Same fucking routine, every single goddamn day.

Anyway, I'm not a happy person atm. I have a headache and came out into the living room, hungry. All I could think about was how much I wanted those last corn dogs in the fridge. And, of course, someone ate them. Fuckers. I should slap them.

/rant

website host BAILS

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

note: i posted this on jphip because i needed a host.. but it's basically the whole story

Well.. how do I begin this nightmare?

What happened first is someone told me about tehlove hosting at [tehlove.org/.](http://tehlove.org/.) Their plans were really well priced (but not free) and I begged my grandmother for $20 to get a medium sized plan. I registered [songforxx.org](http://songforxx.org) and they were up fairly quickly.

I used my domain on and off because that's how it seemed to want to work-- on and off. The host frankly sucked, the site was always down and I was beginning to wonder what I paid for. I know, I know, "you get what you pay for" but I wasn't willing to drop another $100 on a domain that I don't use THAT often.

I finally started to use it a little more... and the host said that they were shutting down. They said that our domains would remain in tact for as long as we paid for it. Great! I didn't care if they were shutting down as long as they made good with what I paid for. I was starting to make plans for the domain, I had great plans for it in 2008.

Then I get an e-mail today which says they have to "transfer the domain names" and they're getting rid of their reseller. That's right... ditching on everyone who paid, no matter if they got their full year or only 5 months (like myself). Well, if I'm getting half the product, shouldn't I have paid half the price? That $10 could've gone toward something, I don't know, a jpop single or something. I'd rather give my money to people who will actually give me the product than bailing out halfway through.

So... now they're transferring the domain name to me, which is good for another half a year and I'm stuck hostless because they couldn't manage finances or whatever.

So please... my site doesn't take up more than 50mb at any point in time and I really need a host right now (one that can tell me wtf to do to transfer the domain to a different server too). If you can spare any space on your domain and have the knowledge to help me transfer it over to your space, I would really, really appreciate it..

edit: new layout
edit2: got a new host, will be located here

arcade dream

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

I had a dream of an arcade.. we went in with my gramma and Steve and Amanda, though somehow other people came too.

There were a few different scenarios:

Skeeball: Amanda and Steve and I all played Skeeball. Mine was broken though and the ball would not fit through the plastic thing at the end and was actually SUBTRACTING points. I ended up getting like 5 tickets though.

Mortal Kombat: There was a TV hooked up and it said "Free". They were apparently running an emulator and rom and the person who worked there (who happened to be my cousin, John) said it was so his boss could see how everyone was playing. Steve tried to play and go through the menus but they were all in Italian. He changed it to English and eventually we played. I sucked as usual...

"Singstar?": It was called Singstar but it was really Karaoke Revolution + DDR. Amanda and I played, and I picked "Higher", the DDR song. I yelled at her for not doing the DDR parts (ignoring them completely) and just doing the singing.

Weird Guitar Hero Rip Off: There was a guy playing Guitar Hero Rip Off, and all the colors were in the wrong places so it was really difficult. He wanted me to try it, and I was passing all right but not very well. I exclaimed, "What is this! Lefty Flip!" but it wasn't.

During WGHRO: While I was playing GH Rip Off, Dale came behind me and hugged me and said that he loved me. It was.. a little random and weird, but I felt embarrassed cos my Gramma was there.

After all the games are done: Here's the sad part. For some reason my MOM was there, and she was like "how do you feel about me?" and I told her that I loved her and that she's my mom, and she told me that how she THINKS I feel about her is "I don't love her and don't ever want to talk to her again". Then I woke up..

It was weird.

sold

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Sold my Gamecube for $100 which I will be getting in a few days. $50 from gramma. This is what I might buy with it:

Awesome Headphones - $90
A $60 game, most likely Viva Pinata OR 4000 Microsoft Points OR Year subscription Xbox Live

Man.. that's depressing. I kept telling myself, "Am I really gonna use this?" and ended up with such a small list.. lol! I wanted to keep it to stuff I use daily which is only XBox 360 and Computer.. I thought about ADDING stuff like a camera but I'm not so sure about that seeing as I don't look good in pictures and I don't get out enough to go out and take pictures of other stuff.

I might just save the $60. :< The only thing for SURE I'm going to get is the new Headphones thing.

MSP Rock Band songs

David Bowie Pack 01 - 440
Punk Pack - 440
"Fortunate Son" - 160
"Bang a Gong (Get It On)" - 160
"Cherry Bomb" - 160
"Synchronicity II" - 160
"Can't Stand Losing You" - 160
"3's and 7's" - 160
"Sick, Sick, Sick" - 160
"Sweet Leaf" - 160
"My Iron Lung" - 160
"Brass in Pocket" - 160

Such a long vacation.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

This really has been a super long vacation. It has only been a few weeks but being away from my best friends and my boyfriend for a few weeks is more like torture than a vacation. I admit that part of the reason I left was because I needed a break from the daily grind but I guess absense makes the heart grow fonder and the daily grind is the daily grind because I like things like that. I'm starting to see that I don't like change very much.

However, there were a lot of fun parts of the vacation so I can't complain TOO much. When I first came, I brought Rock Band. Gramma and Zack (my 10 year old cousin) and myself all made a band together. We called ourselves the Viper Blood. Yeah, kind of dorky and stupid, but it was something that was automatically generated. Gramma played Drums on Easy. Zack was the singer on Easy. And I was the guitarist on Expert. We were a great band until I brought it downstairs because Gramma was bitching that Roger (her husband) wanted to watch TV on the weekend. Ironically, the cable broke and he couldn't watch it in the living room anyway-- making the trip up and down the stairs with the huge amount of accessories completely irrelevant and unnecessary. Tami and Pat came over and played (well Tami played, Pat woke me up from a dead sleep to have me set it up JUST so he could watch it). Then, the last thing that has to do with Rock Band: Steve came over this weekend and played. We were going to do Endless mode but we got 10 songs in and he started to fall asleep while playing the Bass so I just told him to forget about it and we'll do it some other time (sometime at my house, so he can get the achievements too!).

We went to the mall two times to go to the new arcade there called Slackers. It's really awesome. It has DDR: Extreme but I only played that a few times (there was a guy there that was really good the second time!). Because I was having er girl problems the second time, I couldn't really play too aggressively. And I got tired easily. Zack and I played Skeeball a lot the first time, and the second time with Steve, we played TONS of Deal or No Deal. The first time, with Zack, we only got 400 tickets all together but the second time, with Steve, we got 1003 tickets! We each got 333 tickets, and I feel like I got robbed because I got a big rubber ball but it broke a few minutes after I started playing with it. Oh well, it was funner playing the game than it was to actually get the toy. The highest Steve and I got was 250 tickets from Deal or No Deal. It was between 3 tickets and 400 tickets. We had the 400 in our case! I had the feeling that we did, but we didn't want to risk it... It was still really fun. Gramma thought about buying a TV while we were in the mall, but said that I "talked her out of it" because I told her not to go more into debt just for a big screen TV. I didn't mean to talk her out of it though-- I wanted to see her have a big screen TV! Oh well.

Steve bought the game Scene It! for $40 (poor guy, that's tons of money). We all played it together-- it was really, really fun. I was horrible at it because I don't know many movies. Steve was the best. We played teams the second time we played it, and Steve was on my team so naturally we won! Woo! I only knew a few questions but I really did know the questions that I knew.

We didn't have a whole lot of money so we couldn't go many places. I had a roast beef sandwich over 9000 times, but that's just because I like those. I got into Days of Our Lives, so I'm going to have to see if I can catch that on TV here or if it's only a Direct TV thing. I didn't get into Passions thankfully, because I know for a fact that's a Direct TV only thing.

The entire vacation wasn't all peaches and creams though. Roger (Gramma's husband) was being a serious pain in the ass! As in.. rude. He asked Steve and I, "When's the last time you've seen your gramma and grampa's grave? In the last four years?" and we said "never". How the hell are we supposed to get there? We don't even know where they're buried. I'm not a believer in visiting someone elses' grave. Since I believe that when a person dies, their soul is gone and they just rot in the ground, I don't see why I have to visit their grave. If they were good people, then their legacy will outlive them. And since they were family, they always have a place in my heart. But he didn't need to act pissy and like he's better than us because he visits his family's grave. I was really offended by that and Gramma tried to pretend like it was just because he was working long hours. Bullshit. He's a rude guy.

Zack was good most of the time we were there but he was rude some of the time. He was cussing and swearing and acting up when he heard Steve was coming over. He knew that I would give more attention to Steve than him because I don't get to see Steve often and he's easily tied for #1 place for my family in my heart (tied along with my dad). So of course I'm going to give him attention! He acted really rude to me most of the time when Steve was there but before that he was okay. That's part of the reason I was leaving-- he started acting rude and basically the only reason I was staying was so that he could have company. I was going to stay until the 16th but I was really hurting from missing Dale and my friends. 15th is going to be his birthday party, so I'll probably pop in for that but I'm not staying the weekend or anything. I might stay a few hours at most.

Another bad thing that happened was that Mom called. Gramma made me talk to her and she "just found out" that I quit school (though she didn't-- she was leaving bad messages on my answering machine before that, and later she admitted that she knew and it "just now hit her", yeah right). A lot of drama was caused because of that and I was going to go home however I decided to stay. Mom said that she was going to "come get me and make me realize I was wasting my life". What, like she did? She's a hypocrite.

That's basically all that happened... I think. All the important stuff, unless you count my gramma crapping her pants to be important! (It was funny but.. sick.)

Steve will probably come over at Christmas break. Looking forward to that! He's been really generous lately and I'm surprised. In a happy way. I'm not really looking forward to Christmas itself because it means nothing to me-- not like I'm getting presents or anything, and since I'm athiest it has no religious meaning. Haha.

TL;DR: Vacation was overall good, but I missed everyone!

PS: There was some really embarrassing mix up where I thought Amanda's online BFF Eric was a guy I used to know and be fairly close to, Luke. It ended up in a 3 hour conversation with him about Amanda and other stuff. Weird...

I'm sorry, Dad.

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Today, I made my Dad cry.

It felt horrible and was unintentional. I apologized but he said it wasn't my fault.

It was because I said I have no female role models, which is the truth.

I was really upset at my gramma and started crying because she was talking behind my back. Dad started the whole "it's just your gramma, that's just the way she is" spiel before he realized it was because I wanted a female role model and she was the last one left, and turns out she's a backtalking traitor too.

He started crying because he said that I can always go to his family but he realized I wasn't close enough to any of them to go to them. He thinks that he's the one that caused this, and it's not true. And it makes me cry just thinking about him blame himself. It is not his fault at all.

I wouldn't mind going to those family members if I knew them better, but I always didn't want to go. I have a hard time making new friends and to me, my family is new friends because I haven't been around them for a long time. To me, they are random people who I can't really trust, besides my gramma who talks about me behind my back.

Also, for the first time in my life, I mentioned to him "someone that I like online and have been talking to for 7 or 8 months". So now he knows, and I figure that has something to do with it too. I think he's not stupid and since I also mentioned "makeup and boys" as a couple of things I want to talk to a female role model about, and mentioned the whole "Go out with Danny" ordeal, I really do think he understands because he can put two and two together.

Another thing I think he's upset about is the way that she treats me is the same way she treated mom. He even said to me, "Yeah, she used to be that way about me and your mom. Whenever your mom would be mad at me, she'd go to her and your gramma would start naming off new people to go to."

God. . . I feel horrible for making him feel that way. But at least, now, everything is out in the open. I will be able to sleep well for the first night in a very long time.

a

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Since I haven't had most of these lately, I'm going to write a "real" entry which isn't just filler links or video or something. I don't have much to say though, so I'll just let a UL do it:

I'm making a big image of a whole bunch of "secrets" I have. I don't know if I'll just end up deleting it in the end, but it feels good. I already have tons and tons and tons of secrets written down!
Amanda moved. I miss her. T___T
I was supposed to go to my gramma's a few days ago but I accidently stayed up too late, and when she called she just decided that we should do it some other time.
Fansubbing is going great. Because I subbed Momusu's Mikan (here) only a day after it came on TV, it so far has around 1.6k views, and even got a few awards a few days ago. I'm pretty proud of that.
Because people have been seeing that fansub, I have gotten at least 3 requests for me to join people's groups.
ROCK BAND COMES IN 9 DAYS UYHR$*IHRHW*YVHJNDVJKNSDKNVSCKNjvn
New layout : t0xicrain

That is all.

"Whatever Dad, I don't even care." means that.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I know I'm going to sound seriously like a spoiled bitch in this post. But what do I really care. I don't. I just have to get my feelings out.

My dad's a pretty manly man, and to see him cry (or at least hear him sniffling, I couldn't bring myself to look over) is pretty upsetting. I thought he just had a cold until he started to talk and his voice cracked. He said something like this:

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

Yes, now that makes me look horrible. But you have to know the rest of the story, really.

I've been wanting the game Rock Band for a good 7 months. No joke. I have never wanted anything more, video game or otherwise. That's all I've been thinking about. I've been dreaming about the fucking thing. I played it at Best Buy and I wanted it even more. Dad continued to reassure me that, "it'll be fine", "we'll get it", getting my hopes up and everything.

But it's easy to fucking talk when the release date isn't 3 weeks away, isn't it!

Now, I know we've been having a hard time. Both our cars are broken and Dad has to buy new parts. I understand that completely. But I've been hearing rumors that it's going to be hard to get it if you don't get it on the release date, and you'll have to wait until Christmas or maybe even worse.

So, I wasn't about to make Dad go out and buy it. No fucking way, no fucking how. I was pretty depressed, until I came up with a plan that I thought everyone could relate to: Gramma preorders, buys it on the release date, and Dad can pay her back at his will. It's good for Dad because he can pay it back when he feels comfortable that we have extra money. It's good for Gramma because I'm not going to ask for anything for Christmas and all she has to do is this one favor. It's good for me because I get the game that I want for Christmas on the day it releases.

I asked Dad yesterday if this sounded okay, not keeping anything from him and telling him exactly what I planned to tell Gramma. He said "That sounds like a good idea, go ahead and call her when we get home." Great, okay, I'll be able to get it on the release date.

But apparently, Dad is PMSing today.

I sent an email to Gramma yesterday about it, and then she called me back today. My email included buying it online because I thought that would be most convenient for her. But she thought that it would be better to go into Best Buy and preorder, then pick it up and pay for it later, so everything can be done locally. I insist that she talks to Dad because I figure Dad wants to hear everything and wants to make sure that everything is okay.

He goes bat shit insane.

He starts talking about how we don't have any money right now, how I "just can't wait" for it, and making me look like a bad person who didn't even ask him about the whole thing. Basically trash talking me to my own gramma after I told her I had asked him and all. And I did, unless I somehow magically dreamt up asking him (pretty sure I didn't). He hangs up, angry with Gramma, goes into the bathroom pissed and crying or whatever, then comes out and grabs the box of games, walking out the door saying,

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

I NEVER fucking ask for anything. Ever. The last thing I asked for something was March 2007 when I asked for the Xbox 360. That means for 9 months, I've just been quiet and happy with what I had. Even when my Guitar Hero II was broken, I didn't ask for it to be replaced. I've just been happy with what I have.

But when I finally fucking ask for one thing (especially so near Christmas) and come up with a plan that I can get it, Dad goes fucking batshit insane.

You know what, Dad? Your fucking PMSing is causing me physical pain because I'm so upset and your mood swings aren't welcome around me. If I knew that this game would bring SO MUCH fucking turmoil to us, then I would have never even paid any attention to it.

When he walked out the door, I said, "Whatever, Dad, I don't even care. I don't even want it now." And that's the truth, because no amount of physical pain or emotional turmoil is worth some stupid fucking game, no matter how good it is.

I'm going to bed (even though I just woke up). Fuck it.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M GOING TO BE UP OR GET ONLINE, IF EVER SOON.

Right now I just feel like crawling in a hole and dying.

Sorry

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Sorry I haven't been updating a lot. It's mostly because I'm always talking about things that annoy me and never really talking about the good things in life. Since my life has been fairly good lately, I've had no reason to update. Heh.

I suppose that I should write an entry about the things that are going well in my life, or what has happened lately, hmm?

Amanda (who has actively been wishing her name was Aimee) has been staying at my house. She has her computer set up on my living room table, and all those wires have added to the clusterfuck which I'd like to call underneath my computer table. We have both our computers plugged in, so she enabled network sharing and took The Sims 2 (and all expansions) from my computer. It doesn't even work on mine.. so I uninstalled a few expansion packs and I hope that'll fix the problem, because I really wanna play.

Off of that topic, have you ever just stopped and realized, "wow, I might be going to spend the rest of my life with this person"? I mean, I've been dating the same person for at least 5 or 6 months, but this is just now setting in fully. It's not even a debate with myself, it's really what I think is going to happen. And even though my gramma keeps urgently encouraging me not to settle down young, she has to realize that I am not her. I think that's been a hard thing for her to realize, and she knows just as much as I do that I'm most likely going to marry young. Everyone is different (Amanda is a case in point, she doesn't even want to think about getting married until she gets out of the marines) but I know what I want to do as far as that goes.

Off topic: Does anyone have any really good computer games they could suggest? I'm bored.

"lol but leik u r so smrt."

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

My gramma called today saying something like..

"Your counselor called, she sounded like she was going to have a heart attack. She said you didn't answer the phone. I told her you decided to quit school, and she was devastated. She thinks you're too smart to quit school because you were taking college classes... she wants you to have a conference with her so that you guys can work something out. She said she can understand people who drop out because they're having trouble, but she can't understand why someone like you would drop out."

So, being smart means I can't quit? Apparently, if I were a dumbass, I could easily drop out but because I was getting all As and taking college classes that means I get harassed by the school. That pisses me off.. and made me make a suggestion to Amanda:

"I should've went back to school and started having "troubles". You know, like, writing DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU for essays, and refusing to do anything in gym. That might've been funny for the lulz."

She suggested that I go back and do just that, but I told her it was too late because that would mean I would have to start making up hours. Anyway, I've made up my mind.

Important

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I quit high school.. a lot of reasons, mainly being because I don't feel it's necessary if I don't plan to "shoot high" and go to college like most others. There's been a lot of drama about it but now my dad knows (he was really nice), my gramma knows (she was extremely mean and "disappointed"), assuming my mom will know soon, and my brother knows. Not to mention my friends of course.

It's kind of funny.. I just said in a passing way, "I'm thinking about quitting school." to a couple of my friends the day before I started going back. A conversation like this was held with someone I consider to be my "friend" sorta.

me: "I'm thinking about quitting high school."
him: "Why? You only have a year left."
me: "Lots of stress, I don't think I'm learning anything, waste of time. Not like you'd miss me anywho."
him: "Not really."
me: "Haha, didn't think so.."
him: "Well, if we never see you again, we know why."

I thought it was pretty humorous, this is the right way to be humorous. Telling me "well congrats on ALMOST finishing highschool!" in a joking yet condescending way is not the way to get on my high list (this quote from Steve, whom realized it upset me and apologized).

Anyway, I've stopped going. It feels great not to be dreading having to go back to school, it feels great to not have to do something (though dad says we need to definitely start learning how to drive so I can get my GED and get a job). I think this is the right decision at this point in my life.

A funny thing that happened today to get us off the subject-- Amanda and I went to Dairy Queen and we went to the window, annoyed that the lady was talking some other guy up instead of serving us.. until we listened to the conversation, in which we were trying not to laugh the whole time.

"Service" old lady: "Yeah, haha."
Weird guy: "It's so nice to just be able to talk to people here. In Boston, they either shun ya' or shoot ya'. Hahaha."
SOL: "Really?"
WG: "Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty intense. People around here are still getting used to it."

By now, I'm avoiding looking at Amanda or I'll burst out laughing, seeing that she is smirking and trying not to laugh. We avoid looking at each other before the creepy guy says his goodbye and leaves, and we order. As soon as we get back to the car with our stuff, we BURST OUT laughing, because it was just so weird and funny.

& I played Gears today.. it was actually an interesting and fun experience for once. Maybe I just needed a break from it for awhile. I promised Max I'd help him with Insane so that's my main to-do tomorrow. Yar. -yawns- SLEEP time for me~ No sleep for 24 hours gets to me~

(PS: I think "tired" does not cut it for the mood, just amplify that times over 9000)

Proper Entry

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Birthday
My birthday was kind of low key. I got a few very 'expensive' things. I got Clock Tower II for $20 on ebay (the first auction I've won!). I bought the Clock Tower II and Clock Tower 3 guides from someone on LiveJournal for $25. The Command & Conquer was bought for $40 on ebay. The Camera + Year of Live pack was from my dad, and he claims that's all I'm getting (which will probably be the cheapest birthday gift of all-- usually I get $150 from him but the pack was $80-- I'm not complaining though because he got me a 360 for no apparent reason). The shoes were $60 and were partially from Steve and partially from my Gramma. I want to thank all those people from the bottom of my heart because it's made my birthday a lot better. Also I got a cheesecake from my dad, unfortunately I didn't get a picture of that before it got ate but it was really great.. And I still have Ayumi Hamasaki's album "Duty" and single "A" coming in.

My gramma thinks Danny's in love with me
My gramma took me aside and told me that Danny was "staring at me like he loved me" and "being really cute to me" and etc. She said I should give him a chance. I told her no way. I already have someone, which I will talk about later. Upon telling her that my significant other lives 3 hours away, she said "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" which basically means I should go out with Danny just because he happens to be here. I thought that was ridiculous. The next day she said she took back what she said-- she says a really good friend is not worth jeopardizing. I couldn't agree more.

Amanda
Amanda is just.. Amanda. She kind of accidentally broke my Guitar Hero II, but she's going to replace it so I'm completely over it. If Amanda wasn't Amanda then I wouldn't like her so much. We were in a semi-argument but she broke it by sending me a birthday card and everything was great again. :]

Danny..lives at my house now?
Danny has been living at my house for the past two weeks. I certainly don't have a problem with it, it's fun to have someone to talk to, too. He has his own name on my xbox and plays occasionally but he plays the PS2 more often anyway. That brings me to my next category I suppose.

Gears of War
Gears has been.. hectic lately. Maybe I should separate this into different categories.

Hosting: Hosting has been.. different. I've been kicking people so much that my reputation went from 5 stars to 4, and I've gotten really quick with it. I've been kicking those who active reload with the sniper because I think it's cheap. People seem to hate me for it, and it seems that drama gets easily started up over it.

Drama: So much drama has gone on. I've lost most of my friends list because of my fault or their fault.

Dale was complaining about Moaozis complaining and when I bitched at Moaozis he dared call me a bitch. He was muted and hasn't been in my games since.
Rurak was muted because he was annoying when high but I unmuted him the next day. He's probably one of my favorite Gears friends and him writing "unmute me" on the ground with the lancer was just too awesome.
Manng was muted for a day because when my xbox froze he went to host his own game. It really pissed me off at the time but now I'm just like whatevs. Haha.
Poem got muted for shouting "OMGZ HOST!" and hasn't been unmuted yet. He was really sarcastic about it and he was one of the people that was talking behind my back about me, so he can go fuck himself.
Jesus has been muted for quite some time but I also hear that he's talking about me behind my back so whatever slim chance he had of being unmuted is now gone.

Dale
Yes, he warrants an entire category for himself. Why? Because he's the closest person to me right now (and always will be), not to mention he's my boyfriend in every meaning of the word. It's been kept fairly low key though because I think he's afraid of people giving him a hard time about the long distance relationship thing (though I wouldn't consider a few hours away to be exactly long distance). I've been trying really hard to convince him to get a cam and he said he would as soon as he got a ride to to the store. Unfortunately there have been a lot of things that have prevented him from getting one thus far but that's okay, I'm patient. Rurak went onto Dale's team to say something along the lines of "Dood, I think Amber likes you!!" a few days ago and he told me that.. we both laughed, because we've had a thing for awhile I guess. My entire life right now revolves around him, from getting up to falling asleep-- and I think his life is revolved around me too. And I have absolutely no problem with that.

Anyway, it's been a long freakin' few weeks as you can tell. If you have any more questions about these things, just ask me. If you're reading this it's most likely that you know how to contact me. :]

On The Weekend

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I went over to Gramma's on Thursday because Steve was over there and I hadn't seen gramma in awhile. I told Dale in AIM that I wouldn't be back until Friday, but he seemed to ignore that and still ask Amanda where I was. That's okay though, because apparently I said I'll probably be back on Friday and he took that as I went over to Amanda's or something. I must've neglected to say I was going to my gramma's. Oops.

Anyway, when I went over to my Gramma's, she told me not to bother to take a shower and to hurry up because we were gonna go to Pirates of the Caribbean 3. But I hurried up and got back and it seems as if she didn't wanna go at that time. I setup my xbox 360 downstairs and went upstairs. She bought a SNES and like 40 games, so I looked through them and found one I liked: Tetris. I played Tetris for what seems like ages while waiting for Steve to get back. He had gone to my aunt's to help put something on the roof, some sort of white material. He slipped and fell in it and got it all over him, and after that he quit and came home. Following that we played a few Guitar Hero II songs along with Zach and then we went to POTC:3. Zach threw a fit in the theater and said he would rather play video games, but Roger forced him to come along anyway. Apparently there was something after the credits but it was retarded anyway, so I felt like I wasted 10 minutes watching the credits. Oh well. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.

The next day, I was woken up by Zach's pet rabbit in my face licking it. Zach brought his pet rabbit (actually, the school's pet rabbit) home for the summer and was basically abusing it. Everyone felt sorry for it. Anyway I was woken up by it, and bribed Zach to leave me alone by telling him he could play Guitar Hero II. I got up anyway and went upstairs to do basically nothing. I kept playing Steve at Tetris but he couldn't seem to beat my score (because I'm awesome at it). Later that day, we went out to eat with two lesbians o_o. I couldn't tell they were lesbians until it dawned on me when one of them said they played football. I was like, "Oooh...". But the place we ate at was pretty fancy, and I had steak, but I felt like a jackass asking for steak sauce. The bathrooms were weird, they had saloon like doors and I didn't feel like I was covered when I was using it. After that we went home and played a little Monopoly, in which Steve was probably the funniest guy in the world, nearly giving my gramma a heart attack from laughing so hard. My gramma asked me if I wanted to go to Wisconsin Dells for a week, or have $100, and I decided that I'd rather have $100 so she put it in my paypal account. I felt like a jackass there too because she probably wanted us all to have a trip before she died or something, but I still would rather have $100. We also watched some 80s music videos and gramma told us a funny story. She said that she thought she knew that song "Take on Me" when my mom was younger, and so she belted out loudly "COMEEE ON MEEE!" and my mom was like "WHAT ARE YOU SINGING!?". Gramma specifically told me not to write about it in my blog. That's why I am. Heeee.

The next day, I was woken up by Roger saying my dad had "something important to tell me about" and I freaked out, naturally thinking he was sick or hurt or something. I called him back and he said he didn't say anything like that, so I got pissed off at Roger for lying to me to get up. Gramma said I was the one who got up the quickest but that's because I thought my damn dad was hurt, which is an evil and mean way to get someone up. Anyway we ate breakfast and then I came home after that. That's basically all that happened.

When I came back, there was Mad Magazine on my seat and a lot of stuff on my computer, like some genki beam stuff in my email and I had to play Ragnarok with Dale so I had too much to do and was overwhelmed at first. That's what I get for leaving those things alone for like, 2 days.. -___-;

Stress

Thu, 31 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Today was very very stressful and tiring to me.

Early this morning around 2 am I left because Dale and Amanda were annoying the hell out of me and upsetting me for laughing at me about lag. LAG! So I just said I was leaving, and left. Apparently Dale was only able to sleep a few hours because of it and I felt really bad, and we'd both put it behind us.

Then I decide I'm going to make up my hour that I owe after school. When I had to make up an hour, I only ended up making up forty minutes and she let us go early. Huzzah.

Almost immediately after that, I got called by my friends to go out for ice cream-- "my treat" said Lydia. We went to Dairy Queen; I got some chocolate strawberry thing that I didn't really like too much but it was good nonetheless. Afterwards we came back to my house and played a little Guitar Hero II and Gears of War before they had to leave. (See pictures at the end of the entry)

That's what got me started on Gears. Today was different than other days, on normal days I would neglect to get on Gears and just go right to Ragnarok Online. But today, I was on Gears: Dale said he had a friend coming over anyway and I wanted to play with them because I'd feel lonely if I was playing RO by myself. Okay, that was fine for a little while.

Until people started getting bitchy.

People were being generally jerk offs. And then Shep mutes me for no apparent reason, along with Valentine and "all the other 'only's except Moaozis, Dale, David, and Sam". What the fuck? Well, I muted him, blocked communications, removed him from my friends list and he's no longer allowed in my games. Fuck that. I don't really give second chances.

And then to top it all off Mom got all drunk and started calling about child support again. I'm not going into it, but the good part is Steve will be visiting Gramma's soon and will bring along Guitar Hero II controller so perhaps we can get some achievements together. Blahhh. (I also spoiled myself by buying Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for the Xbox 360 arcade. I'm planning on playing it with Steve tomorrow-- he said he wasn't getting back online because of the drama, and I don't blame him.)

All in all, the day wasn't "good" or "bad". It was just "tiring". Thus, after I'm done uploading this pictures I shall sleep.

Fuckers.

(the pictures are all around ~1.5.mb and 1000px wide, make sure your computer can handle it)

What a weird dream.

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

I had a weird dream about sex with Bates and zombies. Care to read more?

Raagh. It was a good dream at first. We were at my gramma's house (wtf?) and out in the garage, going at each other, but I kept being interrupted by my mother or grandmother calling me into the house to put on my jacket. Which was odd, because I didn't have any clothes on, and they wanted me to put a JACKET on? Oh well.

That part of the dream ended, and I woke up about 9:00 AM, thinking it was 9:00 PM and looking out the window, thankfully it was only AM. Then I went back to sleep and had the zombie dream.

Some of the characters from Resident Evil were in the dream, kept in a house by a crazy person that sent zombies for them. There was a lot of romance between Claire Redfield and.. another boy in blue from the games, I just couldn't remember who he was. So when zombies interfered, I didn't mind.. but it was so sad. The rest of them had to sit on a tall bed and watch the boy shoot the zombies, and he made it through all the zombies. They then were about to be allowed to be let out, but this has happened many times in my dream: the crazy guy locks them in the house instead. I yelled out "run for the door!" and we/they did, only to come to a crossroad: go up the stairs or go down? The logical thing would be to go down to where the exit was, but we didn't, we went up and there were more zombies. We broke the window and jumped out, we all survived except there were zombies down on the streets. There was no way we could win, so I shouted out "Quick, push "Start" and "Restart mission"! And then one of them whined, "But then we'll have to see ourselves be eaten!" so I said "Then quick, turn off the playstation!" and no one did and we all got eaten.

The end. =x Scary dream that was, though.. And I ended up waking up at about 10:00 AM. So the dream only took an hour. XD

stupid mom

Mon, 29 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 10:32 pm.
This isn't fair. I'm happy for the Nicest Person In The World, Yuna, but it isn't fair that she has a paid account.
I'm steamed.
I've been wanting a paid account forever now!

Time: 9:52 pm.
Okay, time to YELL AND SCREAM!
If you don't like swearing, don't read on.
GRR! When it was my birthday, I got .. about 5 comments wishing me happy birthday. My mother didn't even come to see me on my birthday! And Yuna gets a million and one comments on her lj! And even a present! You know how bad I felt when my mother didn't visit me on my birthday? You know how even worse I felt when I didn't get barely any recognition!! yer_own_names doesn't barely recognise me either.
I always do things around my house and no one ever gives me anything.
WHY?
I've been through so0 much shit in my life you people don't even know! By the time I was 12, my parents had devorced, I had to go to Child Protective Services, and I had to testify in court!
How does THAT sound? Hmm? I'm not all peaches and cream like I look and sound!
This isn't fair! But I know at least one person is going to comment : "Hun, life isn't fair." You know what? To that person who comments that: FUCK OFF!
You know what? To the world: FUCK OFF!
To my mom: FUCK OFF!
To the people who can't recognise: FUCK OFF!
Everyone whos been through shit in their lives would know where I'm coming from. I used to cry and cry myself to sleep every night! How do you think I felt when my mom got arrested on my brothers birthday? How do you think I felt livin in the heights! Those damned people poisoned our dog and killed him!
My moms boyfriend (now husband) is really REALLY abusive! But lucky I'm living at my dads. But it doesn't matter, I fight with my dad too!
Why can't anyone understand where I'm coming from? It makes me super depressed.
I'm not going to kill myself.
I can live on.
I always go through this shit.
I am strong.
But am I strong enough to live through this? Should I see counsiling? I've already had to see counsiling because of my mom. Whats up with that? My moms a drunk, and so is her husband. Whats up with that? My dad still has child support coming out of his check going to my mom when my moms not supporting us: he is. Whats up with that?
The world can be incredibaly cruel! Whats up with that?
I feel like crawling in bed. ._.
I've already given myself a headache.
And another thing: we're very poor! My dad keeps saying "As soon as we start getting money..." but I know thats NEVER going to happen! We will always be poor!
I'll probably die from lack of food!
So whats up with that?
.....Why? Theres so much I want to say.. yet lack the words to say it.
And another thing: I haven't even had a crush or boyfriend! And I'm 12! I must be a weirdo or something!
I know I'm a weirdo.
......
What about my moms boyfriend with his 9mm and his crowbar? What about him beating up my mom and I?
What about me going to 14 different schools?
What about me moving 10 times?
What about me always losing my friends when I move?
What about me, always alone because of my life?
What about me, the loner, the weird girl no one wants to talk to?
What about all the people that have suffered?
What about those rich snobs who think they're all that?
What about those people who can get whatever they want, whenever they want?
What about all of those lies that my mom told me to shut me up?
What about my car? Wheres my brand new car that I was promised?
What about that $100 a week my dads paying to my mom for "supporting us", when he is?
What about the FUCKING people who think they've got it bad, when they've really got it easy?
Where's my "happy birthday!"?
Where the fuck did my "happy birthday!" go?!
WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKIN BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT I NEVER GOT?!
What about my brother and I sitting in that child protective area, waiting for our gramma to come?
What about all those tears I cried when my mom said I got her arrested?
What about me being beat?
What about it all?
What about the mom that I never had.. the mom that wasn't there..?

Time: 7:55 pm.
Bored. Another layout change.

People Sorrow In Different Ways

Sat, 29 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

Seince my grandmother Peggy has passed away, I took this journel & the pocket blessings that were with it. I am still in shock and sorrow for Grandma Peggy passing away. I loved her alot and I am very thankful for the years that I have had with her. My grandmother was one of true blessings I have had in my life. Like my dad says “People Sorrow In Diffrent Ways.” I wright my feelings & sorrow through paper. I loved her & still do. It was one of the greatest loses of my life so far. The funeral was very sad! I’m poreing all my feeling on paper right now so only my (1) Dad, (2) Brother, (3) Mom, & I can read this. Bye 4 now

Going To Greenfield Village

Thu, 20 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

Today, I’m going to Greenfield Village with my Grandma Stasik. I think it’s going to be fun! We go at 1:00. I will wear my new clothes. I am going to bring my book & a pad of paper with markers. When we get there, we (hopefully) will ride a train. I hope we have fun at Greenfield Village (with my grandma) today!