Matt on needing.space

few days off the internet

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Didn't get on the internet for a few days. I've been playing so much COD4 because Danny came over with his XBox 360, I didn't even get a chance to sign on now and then. Oh well.

A lot of drama happened with Manng and Amanda. Well, not a LOT. She came on and I chat invited her.. and she lied, saying she "didn't get it" and I asked her, "why are you on the xbox?" And she answered, of course, "to talk to matt". That was like the last straw for me and I just deleted them both and I have no intention of talking to either of them again. They've been so buddy buddy and avoiding me, so I just figured "hey, might as well give them what they want". (also AJ sucks)

I finally got to level 54 on COD4 though, which is a good thing. I level grinded there tonight and am happy. I'll have level 55 to shoot for, which is the max level. All I get for level 55 is a golden Desert Eagle though, which I'm not too thrilled about.

I finally found out how to mute everyone but the people on my friends list on Xbox and it really helps. COD4 has so much of the "Halo Jackass Frat Boy Crowd" that I got sick of hearing it and I literally didn't want to play because of it. So now I can only hear my few friends.. sure, I may be missing out on a few new friends, but I'm not in the business of making new friends and I'd probably just delete them later.

Speaking of new friends, today, in a random match, I saw a person named "Berryz RISAKO". I friend requested them and they accepted.. because it's so, so rare to find anyone into H!P on the Xbox. I didn't even realize it at first.. I was bitching at the guy:

"God?! Who is this, in my fucking way. Just STANDING there. Risako... Ohhh. They must like BK, that's awesome!"

Not to mention they're from Japan (I can tell from some of the games they've played). That makes it a little difficult to talk to them. I sent them a message "berryz koubou is awesome!!" and they sent back "yes!!!!!" so I think they understood that but I don't think they understand English.

Um.. I'm going to bed now. At 10:30AM. I am not going to wake up until night tomorrow.. pathetic of me. @___@//

My life...

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

&apologies;
I have really, really been meaning to update this thing with something useful. Really. I have really good intentions but I haven't gotten around to it. So here I am! ♥

&writing;
I want to write so much. I know, I'll probably rp with Matt dizzle sometime soon but it's really itching me... so I maybe will write some sort of fanfic about Gears something soon. I've had this creative feeling for the past few days and I don't know what it's about. Maybe it's because I haven't been creative enough lately? So if you see a story placed in this journal sometime, you can read it or don't, it doesn't matter to me. But I bet you'll be seeing one from me soon.

&gaming;
Meh.. I broke my gaming streak today because I didn't get on. Maybe I just feel less like gaming lately? Rock Band has been bleh (I need a break from it) and COD4 is impossible on Veteran and lost its addictiveness on Multiplayer. I could play Viva Pinata but I didn't really feel like it today.. and Sneak King is definitely for days that I feel like playing it.

&drama;
There was a lot of drama today which surely insured at first that I would have weekend plans, then they were torn away from me. Yeah, shitty, but oh well. I'll get over it. I just feel like I'm going to lose friends over bullshit and I don't really want to... I might not seem like it, but I really, REALLY hate drama. It stresses me out and I tend to want to eliminate stress sources (a part of a reason why I quit high school).

&topmodel;
I watched Season 9 of America's Next Top Model and I was totally blown away, shocked, and OFFENDED by who was top model. I won't spoil it because it's a fairly recent season but once again I feel when it came down to the last two, the person who really deserved it got ripped off. It wasn't so much of an injustice as Season 8 though. Natasha TOTALLY deserved every ounce of that prize and I'm glad to hear she's still out there modeling. I wanted to use her in my new layout but I couldn't find a high enough quality picture, unfortunately.

&life;
I want to see what we can do about my GED this weekend. I'm going to go take a test hopefully this weekend to see if I can take the GED without study (hopefully I can) and if it's possible I'll just jump and take the real test. Then I will need a car to drive so that I can learn, which comes down to fixing our cars with tax returns. Then, I will get a job.. then I will visit him.

&taxreturns;
For tax returns, Dad said it was possible to get a new monitor which I severely need because this one is major suckage. Also he said we're getting both our cars fixed which is great. He said he was going to sell the Grand Prix and get me a new car most likely.. and I said it would be better on insurance and easier to drive if he got a smaller Japanese one. I just feel more comfortable because I'm so fucking short if I'm driving a smaller car.

&etc;
There's PROBABLY things I'm forgetting. I'm that type of person. However, if I remember anything I'll add it in? Or just make a new entry if it's significant enough. Happy Friday everyone and remember: not everything is as it seems. Good night.

maximus

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

blah about Maximus

(9:12:51 PM) me: i still think it's dispicable that you would make a new room to get maximus away
(9:13:10 PM) Matt: okay
(9:13:27 PM) Matt: not when everyone in the entire room doesnt like him
(9:13:33 PM) Matt: and only you do
(9:13:37 PM) me: Whatever.
(9:13:40 PM) Matt: and you're not even playing
(9:13:42 PM) me: This is why I fucking disadd you, this is why you annoy me.
(9:13:46 PM) me: It's fucking bullying.
(9:13:48 PM) me: It doesn't matter.
(9:13:52 PM) me: There's no reason not to LIKE him.
(9:13:56 PM) me: He hasn't done a god damned thing to ANYONE.
(9:13:58 PM) me: AND YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT.
(9:14:12 PM) Matt: loook
(9:14:13 PM) me: What, he happens to have a higher pitched voice than everyone? is that it?
(9:14:19 PM) me: All he's ever been is fucking NICE
(9:14:26 PM) Matt: to you
(9:14:29 PM) Matt: and only you
(9:14:30 PM) me: And all you fucking people think it's COOL FUN ETC to make FUN of him
(9:14:35 PM) me: He's never done nayhting to you guys!
(9:14:35 PM) Matt: amber amber amber
(9:14:37 PM) me: He's a fucking KID
(9:14:38 PM) me: HE IS A KID
(9:14:44 PM) me: HE'S NICE TO ME BECAUSE IM NICE TO HIM!
(9:14:50 PM) me: You guys are needlessly rude, nasty, etc with him!
(9:14:50 PM) Matt: okay
(9:14:55 PM) me: "maximus is a fag"
(9:14:57 PM) me: "maximus is annoying"
(9:14:58 PM) me: etc
(9:15:09 PM) me: he hasn't done ANYTHING and he couldn't fucking hurt a fly because he's a KID and actually rather innocent
(9:15:33 PM) Matt: okay
(9:15:35 PM) Matt: yea
(9:15:41 PM) me: Yeah, so why the fuck exclude him?
(9:15:42 PM) me: Oh yeah.
(9:15:44 PM) me: Because it's COOL.
(9:15:48 PM) me: Because it's cool to pick on maximus!
(9:15:54 PM) me: It's cool to bully the little kid! Yeah, that's real fucking manly.
(9:16:07 PM) me: Bully someone three years younger than you. That's the way to get the ladies and respect!
(9:16:22 PM) me: Amirite?
(9:16:32 PM) me: It's immature, it's fucking rude, and it's unnecessary.
(9:16:38 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:40 PM) Matt: sure
(9:16:47 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:54 PM) me: He gets enough of that at school.
(9:17:01 PM) me: Gets fucking picked on, pushed around because he's smaller than everone.
(9:17:27 PM) me: He doesn't need to come onto fucking Xbox live and feel excluded because a fucking bunch of boys who just hit puberty decided it was a cool thing to pick on someone three years younger than them.
(9:17:49 PM) me: Mainly AJ, which is why I don't fucking like him. There's no reason for him to be mean to Max and he's really the one who started it.
(9:18:02 PM) Matt: no max is
(9:18:11 PM) me: Max didn't do shit and you fucking know it.
(9:18:24 PM) Matt: max lied
(9:18:26 PM) me: He talks shit sometimes. Fucking tell him off and be done with it.
(9:18:30 PM) Matt: about activing
(9:18:38 PM) me: Don't antagonize him.
(9:18:59 PM) me: There's something dispicable and deplorable about antagonizing anyone let alone someone who lacks the proper maturity and age to deal with that kind of shit!
(9:19:14 PM) me: Though I truly doubt all of your maturity at this poitn.
(9:19:15 PM) me: ^*point
(9:19:39 PM) Matt: okay
(9:20:05 PM) me: This is why I don't play gears.
(9:20:10 PM) me: You ask, WHY DONT YOU PLAY GEARS ANYMORE ZOMG
(9:20:21 PM) me: It's because of this stupid BULLSHIT that you and the others CONSTANTLY PULL whenever Max and you guys get together!
(9:20:54 PM) me: max is nice to me because i'm nice to him. I'm sure max would be nice to aj, steve, etc if they were nice to him but they lack the ability to be nice because they're fucking assholes.
(9:21:12 PM) me: They'll do anything for a laugh including harrassing someone.
(9:21:18 PM) me: I just thought you were above that shit.
(9:22:03 PM) Matt: i am
(9:22:14 PM) Matt: you know im a nice person
(9:22:20 PM) Matt: you know that
(9:22:21 PM) me: I know you are. So I don't know why you do this I HATE MAX
(9:22:24 PM) me: MAX IS A FUCK
(9:22:25 PM) me: stuff.
(9:23:18 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:23:24 PM) Matt: he is annoying
(9:23:40 PM) me: He's annoying. But he doesn't do it intentionally and that shouldn't cause hatred.
(9:23:53 PM) me: And even if you do hate him, you should ust keep it to yourself because he didn't really do anything wrong.
(9:24:35 PM) me: And it's not like you're superbad about it like aj and steve are.
(9:24:50 PM) Matt: what do you mean by that
(9:24:51 PM) Matt: ?
(9:24:57 PM) me: AJ and Steve are like
(9:25:05 PM) me: "Lol maximus, or should I say FAGISMUS"
(9:25:09 PM) me: when he hadn't said anything for a really long time
(9:25:21 PM) me: and it was pissing me off. maximus wasn't doing anything, wasn't replying
(9:25:42 PM) me: and they were continually antagonizing him every time at the dead zone
(9:25:44 PM) me: for NO APPARENT REASON
(9:25:48 PM) me: and he continued to not reply, kept quiet etc
(9:25:54 PM) me: Doesn't that fucking make you feel sad?
(9:26:50 PM) me: frankly I muted them all because it's that kind of bully mob mentality that I absolutely HATE in a person
(9:27:45 PM) me: why the hell is a 16, 17, and 19 year old ganging up on a 13 year old?
(9:27:52 PM) me: for the laughs?
(9:27:55 PM) me: that's WRONG
(9:27:57 PM) me: anyway you look at it
(9:28:09 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:28:46 PM) me: I can't hate steve because he's my brother
(9:28:48 PM) me: but I do hate AJ for it
(9:28:54 PM) me: and hate is a word I use rarely and honestly mean it
(9:29:25 PM) me: AJ is alwyas about "being cool" and "keepin it real" but I find nothing "cool" about harrassing a kid that age.

the conversation basically ended there...
i got tired... i'm gonna go to bed soon...

Number one example of a bipolar's

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

NOTE!:
Most complaining in this post is based around my own selfishness and being jealous of FRIENDS and a VIDEO GAME.
I mean, seriously. Who gets jealous over a VIDEO GAME? not to mention FRIENDS?!

I'm not going to do a writing prompt today because I'd rather talk about my day for once.

I woke up around 1am to 2am..ish. Talked to Matt because today was going to be my day with him, we were gonna play Yahoo! Graffiti but we never did (we ended up playing other things and played Graffiti the day before). I tell him I want to play Gears, even though I had been waiting for Dale to get on I figure I waited enough and that we should go play.

I go to make a match and then Matt says someone else is joinable. He said I might not want to join it because it's Shep's game but I said "I don't fucking care", realizing that Dale was supposed to be over there I figured they were split screening or something. Little do I know, Dale's on another username. Without any sort of notice to me.

So obviously I'm getting really upset, not pissed, upset. On Escalation I said I wanted a sniper, and then the next round LinX took one..

I literally started crying..
..over a sniper getting ganked.

Yes, it might seem like that on the surface but there was so much happening at the moment that just pressed down on me. The compounding of:

Waiting for Dale only to see that he was in a game already and didn't even bother to tell me the username he'd be using much less send me an invite
Dale paying absolutely no mind to me (see NOTE at the top)
Not being able to win and I'm a poor loser (it's literally impossible with their laggy ass connection, not to mention that many hosts on one team)
Having a really bad day
Getting actived down all the time
LinX taking the sniper

All that just made me cry and actually feel like dying, like most every day anyway. So then I was fed up, so I left (the final move on me was me getting actived). Then they have the nerve to say I think she's mad and send me a message why'd you leave?.

I then went to go spend the rest of the night with Matt. Damn, was the rest of the night fun! He really made me forget about being upset, haha. First we played Command & Conquer 3, which I beat him at as I usually do, but he didn't complain or anything. We just talked most of the time and such. After playing C&C, we played Gears. This was the most fun part of the night.

We decided to go 1 on 1 after seeing that no one really wanted to join. I kept shooting his head off (we were sniping against each other) and then he said something like maybe I'm LETTING you win which caused me to start to let him win. XD

When I was trying to snipe Matt's head on the next match, we were talking about food and I said something like "I'll eat any meat as long as it has turkey on it!" I meant to say barbecue sauce. A second passed.. and then Matt said "What?" and then I started laughing SO HARD because I sniped his head but at the cost of looking really, really stupid. On this match though, we just messed around a lot until someone actually joined. His name was freakin' slicedogg. We had a conversation like this..

Matt: Who freakin' names their Xbox Live profile "slice dogg"?
Me: Apparently a lot of people, because he had to put numbers after it.

Laughter ensued. Then, on Gridlock, all sorts of people joined. The most notable being HOWHI (pronounced Howie), whom we kept joking was our best friend (we laughed at his name for SO long), Brian2893832 (then I made a joke about them being in a boy band together), and Man on Crack420 who proved that he was really on crack by being a shitty sniper and inevitably losing the round for us all the time. Next match, on Canals, we made a SUPER TEAM!:

HOWHI
Man on Crack420
winter twilight (me)
MobCityMANNG (Matt)

We were in private chat the entire time and I don't even think they had mics, but it was fun as hell. It was rather close too. We were up against two super evil guys with guests (one being MightyMouse-- by this time, we were joking how all the freaks come out at night). Whenever the guest would active me down, I'd just boot him haha. That round ended up being 7 to 7, until Man on Crack420 proved to be a valuable asset by winning it for us!

We were laughing 98% of the time and I laughed so hard I cried, and laughed so hard I snorted a few times. But after Canals I could tell Matt was getting drowsy and sure enough he said he wanted to go to bed, so I said goodbye and joined back to Shep's game.

Big mistake.

I got in a message-argument with Dale again, which started off with me APOLOGIZING, then taking the blame for any argument caused. I'd rather take the blame all the time than have an argument. I didn't talk a lot, I recall only talking 2 or 3 times, and that was to RuRaK or LinX (both of whom were definitely high). RuRaK said some pretty nice things about me so I was happy, but of course the connection was laggy and also I wanted to go Locust and they pushed Start before I could.. so I just left.

Mostly, a very mixed emotion night, but I think the good times outweighed the bad times. Just thinking back at it makes me laugh. I definitely gotta do this way more often.

"What is your favorite room in your home and why?"

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Writing Prompt #3: What is your favorite room in your home and why?

My favorite room is the living room! Not only because I have a lot of funny memories in here, but also because it's where I spend 97% of my time (1% in my bedroom to sleep, 1% in the bathroom, 1% in the kitchen). It has my TV, my computer, and the bigger TV. It's close to the kitchen and close to the bathroom. I only use the bedroom to sleep, as to try to avoid insomnia (I read it in an insomnia book somewhere: don't use your bed for anything but sleep or sex).

Short one today, but that's because I'm too busy playing games with Matt, haha.

Writing Prompts

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to start using writing prompts again because I fail hardcore at updating if I don't. I'm using the prompts from the first page I got from googling: this one. I'll try to update daily, which should last me awhile. I refuse to do stupid ones though, like "WHAT IF THE COWS GAVE ROOTBEER INSTEAD LULS."

First prompt: "What is something you dislike about yourself?"

The #1 thing would have to be my lack of friends and the REASON I lack friends. I know perfectly well why I lack friends, I've attempted to change it, and I can't. This is just the way I am. (I started thinking about this when I was talking to Matt about it the other day.)

The only reason I lack friends is the plain and simple fact that I am bipolar. If all you out there in LJ land don't know what bipolar is I suggest you read the Wikipedia article but here's the condensed version: people who are bipolar go through "stages" of moods. I'll paraphrase.

Stage I: "Depressive phase" (aka "Bad Days"): Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, shyness, chronic pain (with or without a known cause)*, lack of motivation

* most of the time the chronic pain is in my stomach, I'll feel weak to my stomach for no apparent reason

Stage II: "Mania" (aka "Really Good Days"): Rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, increased interest in goal-directed activities, more severe version of Stage III

Stage III: "Hypomania" (aka "Good Days"): An uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny, 'artistic' state, flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, obsessional behavior, ability to improvise easily on the spot, increase in subconscious movement*, excessive sexual activity, increased self-esteem, being more talkative than usual or feeling pressure from within the thought process to keep talking (i.e., cannot stop until the story is done)

* usually biting my nails

Stage IV: "Mixed State" (aka "Really Bad Days"): A condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously. Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted.

When I'm in a Stage VI mood, I will snap at people randomly, feel guilty later, cry randomly, snap again, have hot flashes because of random anxiety, etc. That's just the way I am and hell if I'll take medication to stop it. Also, if you're curious, today is a Stage III for me. Yesterday was Stage II.

Why the point of this? To explain why I don't have friends, naturally: when someone catches me in a bad mood, I go OFF on them. Normally what happens...

1) I get pissed off because of some small little minuscule thing that others wouldn't even notice.
2) Go off on my current target. It may not have been who caused it, most likely it's one of my really good friends, usually I bitch about it to them but occasionally my "target" is a friend that I don't really consider to be really a good friend, but because they caused the problem I go off on them.
3) Anger lasts 10 minutes, but in those 10 minutes I say something EXTREMELY stupid. Because I'm prideful I refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that I did anything wrong.
4) Somewhat-good-friend either takes this and understands how I am (becoming a good friend) or stops talking to me so often, and stops being my friend.

Believe it or not, 96% of people land in the last group, the people who know I'll do it again and prefer not to be stressed out by my bitchiness. The only two people that I know who have really been able to "accept" that I do this is Matt and Amanda. Dale is not one of those people because whenever I get angry I deliberately direct it away from him, because I'm afraid that if I do that too often he'll stop liking me.

The people who are my really good friends have learned that I do this and can get past it anyway. And I'm glad that they can, because this is my major flaw and what keeps people away from me. That and the fact that I'm a "loner"-- I genuinely prefer my own company and rarely talk to anyone (usually it's others talking to me, and usually it's unwelcome, at least at school).

Matt said the reason he doesn't mind it is because he knows I'm not that way all the time, and that I can be awesome when I'm not angry or sad. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..

[edit] My brother just got a leopard gecko and sent me a frantic message to help him on xbox because he thinks his gecko is sick. I gave him all the tips I could and he's still worried, and it makes me really heartsick and almost makes me wanna cry because he's so worried about it. He even has a little coconut for the gecko to go in when he has to shed. He's been really considering hard a gecko and researched it, and I am going to be really pissed/sad if the gecko is sick. I'll probably cry, hell, I almost am right now.

Annoyances + Thankfulness

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Annoyance #1: Dad awakens. Tells me he has to make a doctor's appointment for me, "just to check up". I am up in arms about the idea, screaming in a doctorphobia that there's "nothing wrong with me and I don't need a checkup". I tell him it's a waste of time and money, and he says it doesn't cost anything. I then complain that I'm afraid of the doctor and there's no reason to put me through something I loathe for no apparent reason. He understands.
Annoyance #2: Get on Computer, get on Skype to realize Dale has been on for awhile and he's just been playing Maple so he wasn't on AIM. That annoyed me because I wouldn't've gone and played Gears if I would've known he was online but it doesn't matter anyway because he went to go play Maple when I was online.
Annoyance #3: Finished a kickass graphic only to realize it doesn't work with my journal. Only have small despair because I didn't feel like color coding the CSS anyway. I'll try to find a layout that works with it later...
Annoyance #4: Another subbing group subbed Onna ni Sachi Are without karaoke within a day. This makes me mad because 1) they normally sub ANIME, 2) they suddenly decided they want to sub PVs, 3) they're taking away people that would normally download our releases. But whatevs. It's a really good song.. so whoever wants to sub it can. And may the best subbing group win.
Annoyance #5: If you know me at all, from 12+yrs I lived with my dad. That means, I went through puberty and such when I was with him. I never learned ANYTHING from him. I had to learn everything myself, including shaving my legs. Without saying much I guess everyone will know I'm pretty pisspoor at it. I did an especially horrid time tonight.
Annoyance #6: At first, Steve tried to say they can "only take Danny and me, or just me, not all three of us". For some reason, Tim changed his mind at the last minute. I know that will mean less going out to eat and shopping and stuff but I don't really care: it was fucked up that they wanted to take Danny and not Caleb, and I felt really really really sorry for him. I was so ecstatic when they said they'd take Caleb too.

Thankfulness #1: Video-thief-person's video taken from youtube! Then again, so was mine because AVEX are nazis, and I don't really feel like losing 300 favorites again so I'm trying not to hit "strike three".
Thankfulness #2: . It's such an interesting community and fun to read. It's like the best-of-craigslist only it's updated frequently every day.
Thankfulness #3: Japanese message boards which translate things. 'Cept for the fact that someone insulted me there.. o__o People are weird.
Thankfulness #4: Matt and Amanda who continue to be really good friends, Dale who continues to be a great boyfriend. I want to thank them so much for that.
Thankfulness #5: Onna ni Sachi Are is a great single, reaffirming my faith in the religion that is Tsunkuism. *prays* If he keeps putting out great singles I might have to buy one one of these days!
Thankfulness #6: Mostly everything is going great in my life right now..

I have nothing *truly* to complain about. And for that, I am blessed (by whom, I wonder, considering I'm an atheist?.. maybe Tsunku).