Medication on needing.space

chaos

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

today was so chaotic

2 hours of sleep
wake up at 7:30am
40min drive to New workplace
piss test number 1 at new workplace/pre employment
inform employer im on a stimulant for ADHD that might come back positive, they say they don’t care
pre employment paperwork
blood work to prove I had childhood vaccinations for work, had to take from both arms
drive back home 40min
fight with removing old visor and installing new one in car, an especially difficult task
find that my BFF and Elias both had late gifts for me that came in - cute purse and loose legos
put external hard drive files to transfer to server
drive Elias & I to new psych - 1hr10min
do more new hire paperwork from phone including background check stuff, put in my GED and not my college
drive to Walmart to buy a small desk at Walmart for the computer in living room (only about 5min)
hurry and drive back for my own appointment
piss test number 2 (yes probably first and last piss test combo during one day for different people) because psych/stimulants
talk to doctor
go out for kaitenzushi sushi to relax and celebrate job - 1.5hr drive
realize that background check probably wanted my college even though job only requires/asks for GED, just so it matches my resume on file
look at transcript, realize my moronic old college fucked up my transfer and background check will likely come back as degree unearned
send a text to HR giving them a heads up/explaining situation
spend the rest of night being anxious about it
go to claw machine only arcade
win a kuromi plushie
drive back home, 2hr drive
surprisingly got home in one piece despite multiple people trying to cause crashes likely because it’s the night before New Year’s Eve
the download/transfer didn’t work because it paused on transferring… a virus? for some reason I backed up quarantined viruses from 2016 on my external I need to delete them hahaha
still dwelling on anxiety, put together desk for distraction
realize I got an email an hour after the first email, saying I had passed background check… less anxious but still somewhat anxious
look up rules on how to fix it and get my degree awarded/sent
update brother and friends podcast website
work on transcribing some old journals
realize I have therapy tomorrow, worlds largest sigh
veg out in front of TV until 2:30am

and yes that means I drove almost 6 hours today

why are steno machines like shiny pokemon

Fri, 15 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0500

…or better yet, like trying to find a car during COVID???

I got told by five people last week that they had sold their machines to other people and that they had been swamped with DMs. one of those people was someone who hasn’t even posted publicly, it was just me being referred by someone who had sold their machine and had a coworker looking to sell! @_@

It’s been an actual nightmare trying to find something. I managed to find one, but jeez…

trying to figure my life out

Thu, 31 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i had therapy today & we basically just talked about how I'm still overworking despite like, not actually actively being at work. i quit my job but now I'm 24/7 looking and applying for jobs. therapist said that i would do well to just set a timer on how long I can be looking for jobs and do it at a specific time of day so I'm not up at 3am looking for and applying to jobs. which yeah kinda. i mean whatever semblance of a schedule i had instantly disappeared the second i wasn't being forced to get up for a 9-5 & now i'm just constantly in "work" mode whether it be trying to find a job, doing chores, or whatever else.

the therapist is also going to send me some mental health exercises to do to try and get me into the habit of like, actually doing shit. she was trying to be like "what gets you excited about getting up in the morning?" and i'm like literally nothing :( i got the depression.

the psych is being awful and refusing to switch me off my current antidepressants that aren't working. last time i had an appt with her she gave the world's biggest sigh when i told her these weren't working and was like "well i'm not doing this anymore so I'm sending you genesight so we can have some kind of clarity on what will and won't work with you." like excuse me? yeah i'm also tired of my depression but try and keep your gigantic sighs to yourself. if you don't actually want to do your job then maybe change to a different profession.

therapist was like "go do ketamine" and i was (jokingly) like "yeah I'll go talk to the drug dealer down on the corner" and she was like "lmao nooo do it legally". i eventually do wanna do ketamine therapy but i can't at the moment (or any time soon) bc I would need a ride back and forth. it's like a 3 hr round trip to get to and from the closest ketamine therapy place & e doesn't drive so I'd need to figure out a way to deal w that. the only person I could think who could give me a ride is kendrick, and I love kendrick but i rlyyy do not want to be stuck in a car w him for an hour and a half while i'm ketamine tripping LMAO.

CVS is being so fucking dumb. we need to switch away from them. healthcare in this country is a shitshow so the closest "preferred" pharmacy is like a 2 hour round trip in that town with the CVS. so elias called and asked them if his meds were in. they said they were. so i did the 2 hour round trip and when i got there they were like "uh no we don't have it in, we don't even have it in our system" which i kinda assumed considering it wasn't available online but like? they are constantly doing this. plus they aren't doing the insurance verification for my T so like??? get your shit together CVS.

likely we are going to move our stuff over to walgreens bc this is a mess. plus CVS has some new thing with our new location that you can't even call & get a pharmacist on the phone anymore!!! like they only let you leave a voicemail no matter what time of day it is, and if ur lucky they will call you back in a timely manner and you'll catch their call. total shitshow. 0/10 they are not getting our money any longer lmao.

i'm doing my best to figure stuff out but it's been so hard lately. it's just... idk. everything is exhausting. how am i feeling even MORE burnt out after quitting my job??? i guess it's bc with my job I could clock in and out and be done for the day but now I feel like i'm constantly "on" with constantly job hunting and the like. i hope that i can find some kind of peace outside of that. the therapist said it was a pretty good opportunity for me to figure out what i actually want to be doing with my day that a lot of people don't get, and i agree. we are totally privileged in that way & i'm very grateful for that. but still, it's exhausting... ugh. me @ myself: get ur shit together please

i'm so exhausteddd

Tue, 23 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

b4 i write anything i will just say i see i got some comments/DMs i gotta reply to, i'll try to get to that today or tomorrow

but for today just a lil venting... ughhhhhh

depression

has been HELLA bad this month which has also kinda affected everything. plus i ran out of adderall and i don't even have the energy to fight to get it refilled, which is making me even more sleepy bc adderall is one of the only things that keeps me motivated and awake, otherwise i sleep 20 hours a day like my pets. but like... idk. i haven't even felt like being awake or anything.

work

is still a nightmare. it's really depressing me even worse than usual lmao. my main alter anastasia just kinda had a meltdown and said "fuck all yall" and is gone for now so bye i guess lmao. can't really say i blame her, this job is soul sucking. fucking sucks. and it's unfortunately causing a lil rift in the relationship with E. like a micro rift, barely even there but still there, which SUPER sucks.

sleep

is basically just non-existent these days, and when i do get sleep, i have night terrors every night. sometimes i'm able to get to sleep if my dog Toni is sleeping next to me, but she's the only one that helps. i've tried my other pets, and it's just toni. and bless her, unfortunately she is in a donut right now (a very cute one might i add, actually decorated like a pink donut) because she won't stop licking her leg and giving herself a hot spot. so when i'm trying to sleep, she's like twice as big as she should be because of the donut... haha. it's the only thing that helps me tho. i also forgot my meds last night which makes my sleep even WORSE.

finances

good god don't even get me started on this lmao. i have been impulse spending like money is literally burning a hole in my pocket and then wondering why i am broke. but it's like the impulse spending is due to my depression and trying to get like at least 1 serotonin however i can, but then i have -100 serotonins at the end of the month bc i'm stressed out about finances. but in the moment i'm like "yolo" and end up spending way too much... i'm going to talk to the therapist about it today.

therapy

oh also speaking of which therapy sucks it's hard and exhausting and she's currently doing some EDMR adjacent stuff w me and it makes me even sleepier than usual. like every week i feel like skipping & the only reason i don't is bc it's literally cheaper to just go than it is to pay the last minute cancellation fee :X i'll figure it out...

there's a lot of good stuff going on in my life too tho! like for one thankfully E is actually decent with finances so my questionable financial "decisions" aren't impacting our life that much. plus ASL 101 is almost over and there's a dinner next week for all the people who were in all the ASL classes! i'm pretty excited <3 elias and i are a few of the only people that are moving on to 102 though, which isn't surprising to me. i think that most people would take 101 to see if they like it, and if it doesn't really jive with them, they just stop coming. i get it... haha

i can't remember shit

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i keep having this like. really annoying problem where i think i'm done w something and my brain is like "yaaay you're done here's the dopamine! check that one off the list :)" and then i only finished it 80% of the way and then someone else comes to me and is like "can you. actually finish that task" it's happening a lot at work which is the exact last place you would want something like this to happen

i stg my adhd will be the end of me... i have meds and everything they just aren't working as well as i might like them to lol. also i have therapy todayyyy i'm going to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and have a temper tantrum bc i hate therapy lmao. IT NEVER FEELS LIKE IT'S WORKING even though i'm 100% sure that it's at least doing something

i mean i have a really good therapist. i feel like i'm actually making progress w her, whereas in the past i felt like i wasn't making much progress (the therapist before this was super nice and down to earth but had the tendency to just like, end up talking about politics with me instead of trauma stuff or mental health stuff... it ended up feeling like i was paying someone to be my friend which is even more depressing than just being regular depressed)

ALSO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I NEED TO TAKE MY CAR IN TO THE SHOP TODAY BUT I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME AHHHHH HEEELLLPPP

ok tantrum over i'll go to therapy now

SO MUCH has happened

Tue, 09 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

so much has happened that it's probably just better to put them all in categorical order instead of timeline.

work

a bunch of fucking bullshit. basically was de facto demoted because i advocated for myself and others to have fair pay & reasonable expectations. i'm ok with it, but it's still annoying. i'll just try to look for a new job asap.

one of our alters (anastasia) who is actually the main alter, or at least the center of the system, has work as a huge aspect of her personality. yesterday she found out that they had been under-counting her metrics for months, and then today even more so because they're changing the way the metrics for training are counted so we were being SEVERELY under-counted. she went on a rampage yesterday (which is... really not like her, so i guess final straw situation) & pretty much threw out everything we own that we purchased for ourselves. a few things survived. we told elias about it & he went out and got it from the trash bin... he's a keeper T_T

mother

she stopped talking to me bc she's a narcissist and i wasn't giving her attention. problem solved? not really honestly, because i still feel weird about the whole thing so it's not really resolved for me. trying to decide on what i want to do though...

health

i'm Deaf, so i've been pretty much solely focusing on learning ASL lately. elias and i take a class up in dallas twice a week (a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back... RIP.) i'm very clearly the most knowledgeable in class and can speak with decent enough "beginner fluency" i guess, i can hold normal conversations with people. so people have been looking to me to help teach them... but i'm def not a teacher hahaha i'm willing to sit next to people who are struggling but i am DEF not a teacher. the only reason i'm so far ahead of everyone else is because i practice like CRAZY because i actually have the impetus to practice like crazy haha. elias is hard of hearing but everyone else in the class is hearing besides one dude named mark who is hard of hearing/deaf (cochlear implants) who i think dropped out (i hope not!) the teacher is profoundly deaf though.

i am not profoundly deaf (yet), i can hear with my hearing aids and anything being beamed directly into my ears (like headphones/music etc.) trying to get ahead of it because my hearing is going pretty quickly at this point. at some point in the past few months i went from little d deaf to big D Deaf because of my integration into the community, learning ASL, etc. plus just holding the same culture and values and everything anyway.

it's been wonderful... like, holy shit. going to class the first time was a trip. i could actually talk to people. i was super outgoing because i could actually communicate. that's also part of the reason i'm learning so fast... it's allowing me to be able to communicate! our first class was "my name is X. nice to meet you." we had to go around saying this to everyone, and mark and i had a very brief conversation where i said i am deaf but i was nervous because there was a lot of people, and he said that i didn't need to be. whenever he passed behind me, instead of saying "excuse me", he tapped me on the shoulder

i almost started crying right then and there. this awesome inclusive environment, where the guy actually tapped me on the shoulder to let me know he was going behind me instead of saying "excuse me" where i wouldn't actually hear. i just... yeah. it was so relieving and nice and i just felt welcome for like, the first time in my life

but!! with my hearing getting worse, embarrassing stuff keeps happening. i need to really remember to wear my hearing aids whenever we go out. we went to ASL class last wednesday, and i thought that i wouldn't need them because i thought we were just going to class (and we don't voice in class.) we went to starbucks beforehand and someone was trying to ask if we were in line. all i heard is "are you" and thought it was a worker (due to how quick she was walking) saying "how are you" and i said "good, you?" and she gave me the nastiest look and moved past us. elias was like "she was saying are you in line" and i was like ok well i couldn't hear that.

in class, there were two occasions when i was trying to hear someone say something (because they weren't getting it across in sign.) on the first, i thought she was asking for how to say "language" because whenever she was saying "how do i sign?" she kept saying "how do i sign language?" and she told me out loud what she meant underneath her breath but i couldn't hear her. second occasion, someone was trying to ask if the sign for sun and shower are the same, but the teacher (and me apparently) weren't understanding, i thought she was asking about "sauna." i fingerspelled "sauna" to the teacher, and the teacher was like "oh" and started to explain sauna, and everyone else was like NOOOO! SUN!

elias looked over to me and was like "you're deaf too!" and i was like oh yeah. and now every time i go out i have to say "huh?" and have people repeat themselves constantly, if i don't have my hearing aids on. so i need to make it a habit of just wearing my hearing aids everywhere but to be honest, once i'm fluent enough in ASL, i'm just. not going to use english anymore. it doesn't work for me! and i don't mind being deaf!!

(i really need to go back to the ENT soon, but i keep putting it off, because i'm too nervous... ugh. i just know it's going to be way worse than it was before.)

mental health

regarding mental health, well i don't have enough time to go into that. just that my depression has been way worse and i've barely been coping lol. i changed my meds and hopefully that is going to help but yeah.

hobbies

i've just been a little goblin who is addicted to balatro. like, i literally CANNOT put it down. it being on the switch is super dangerous for me because i just carry the switch everywhere and play it like it's my full time job hahaha. other than that, well, most of my hobby stuff got thrown out, but i still do have a few more.

family

we got a new cat!!!

when we moved into our new house last summer there were a ton of stray cats in the neighborhood. makes sense, the neighbors are all nice and feed them all so they just kinda are collectively the community cats.

there is a kitten who is too sweet that we named snowball, didn’t adopt him though. he looked like he could handle himself and wasn’t super comfortable around humans (yet, probably)

but there were these two tabbies, one we called Fat Tabby and one was Skinny Tabby. fat tabby had an extremely fat face (but not body but the nickname had already stuck) and then Skinny Tabby was just his younger/kitten (probably female) counterpart

at one point we were putting out food for the cats, but the asshole dogs started eating it. like they are literally bullies and no one calls them out on it. they were fighting the cats on our front porch, so we stopped putting food out.

but Fat Tabby still came around and SCREAMED at like 10,000dB. we could hear him through the walls, with the windows shut lmao. so every time he screamed we would go out there and feed him specifically just to avoid the dogs. then he started doing it in the backyard. then he started learning our walking schedule for the dogs and would be out there screaming at 7am and 4pm every day, and we always got him food.

we sat outside with him one day and noticed that he had an injury. and another cat (mean black cat) was trying to approach all three of us slowly like he thought he was being sly. there was one of my shoes outside and when he got close enough elias threw the shoe towards him and he ran off. apparently thought this was his area but never came back after that.

Fat Tabby was super appreciative, in fact instead of in the backyard far away near the back fence, he started sleeping on our doorstep. we had some cardboard boxes out in the front that we were being lazy about getting rid of and he lived in there, used it as shelter when it was cold and raining.
yeah that lasted about a week before we just brought him inside lmao. brought him inside, quarantined him in my bathroom in case he had cooties and to let the animals get used to him and vice versa.

made a vet appointment and told them that his temporary name was Fat Tabby lol. then the next day we went out and got all the cat essentials. we bought a tag and were like “shit, we can’t just put Fat Tabby on the tag” so Elias googled celestial names and we came upon Maru. we had to go super quick too because we had an appointment super soon after, can’t remember what but we were already running late so we were like ok Maru it is
took him to the vet and he got a clean bill of health. the vet said he had a fat head because he was not neutered but his body was normal haha. we got him neutered ASAP, like a few days later. vet also said he was about a year and a half old.

he is still chilling in my bathroom, we got a zipper screen thing for the door so Evil and he can see each other. Maru is still trying to realize that not all cats are mean bullies, and Evil’s person is elias so he was freaking out whenever he saw him cuddling with him. they both seem to be getting over it. in the past few days Maru even started to play with some of his toys yay. he still screams at 10,000dB by the way but now he does it inside of the house, lmao. and we thought Evil (our other cat) was loud… Maru can see directly into my office and meow alllll day if he sees me and I am not paying attention to him.

Evil is pretty tsundere but Maru is just lovey to all humans. he loves everyone indiscriminately and 100% will constantly cuddle 24/7 if given the chance, so it’s hard to get a good picture of him lmao.

trying to get used to new house

Sat, 19 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

i am having a pretty hard time trying to get used to the new house. it's just a lot! i love the new house, but trying to adjust to being in a new environment is always a little difficult. i finally got through everything for the most part, and finally it's the weekend, but now i'm just... tired. haha. there's still a lot to be unpacked (emotionally and literally), but i'm doing my best.

we are alllmost done packing already! somehow it's a lot easier to unpack than it is to pack. however, we keep seeing stuff that we need to fix, or upgrade, haha. thankfully elias has been good at saving money, but we are going to have to do sooo much work. the most immediate thing that we have to do is have the fence fixed. or rather, a portion added. the seller just let their dogs run around loose, but our dogs are not loose friendly dogs. they are super friendly i mean, but they both have really bad anxiety, and if they ran into the neighborhood dog or strange people, they'd get really upset. so we need to have them fenced in. there's a couple of other things we need to deal with too (like the water heater not working that well), but for the most part we are done...! i'm super excited for us to be able to finally get fully unpacked.

elias made a comment about how there wasn't much storage in this place, and i was like, PERFECT!!! storage is my favorite thing to buy! my favorite store is by far the container store haha. i told him we have lots of vertical space to work with. we really should get a big pantry for the kitchen for example, and we also need to get some shelving for the bathroom... that's just to start. lots of little projects to be done here, like replacing doors, adding molding along the floor, etc. but thankfully the house is move-in ready so nothing we have to tackle right away!

thankfully the town is super easy and small to learn directionally, so i haven't had to rely on waze much. which is good because waze around here sucks, no one bothers to update it haha. google maps is likely equally as shitty. you just kinda have to learn your way around yourself, old school style. typing in the business can kind of get you in the right location, but you have to look around yourself to actually find it haha. but there are lots of cute little businesses. we went to the grocery store and had a $400 purchase (had to replace everything in the freezer for the second time this summer, but for two different reasons) and the lady there was like "you're definitely going to be my biggest order of the day!" just stuff like that. TONS of ways to shop locally, actually it's more of a pain in the ass to shop at chain stores so that's a nice incentive to shop locally.

the seller had an amazon package delivered. i put it inside, but she asked me to leave it out so she could come pick it up. i left it out overnight and it was gone in the morning along with all of her mail. :( it's not a great look! now i'm worried about porch pirates lol. i'm going to get my Ring doorbell working asap, and then i also rented a cheap USPS box that can hold anything that would be super expensive if i know i can't grab the package right away.

i got an appointment with a new psych because the old one was being awful. i'm pretty nervous though, because i haven't been to a new psych in a few years. it's through zoho too which is... kind of ugh. but the doctor herself seems good! at least from the reviews. i won't know until i actually meet her for myself. but i am on a new med, that the old psych put me on. i'm back on my adderall though so i'm feeling SO much better than before when i had run out.

elias and i both have his mother blocked cuz she is just an awful person in general, but today he got a text from his cousin. turns out his mom gave the cousin his number (huge invasion of privacy?? hello??? this is why we have you cut off, lady) and she was trying to hang out in houston. we had to tell her that we moved up to dallas. she of course asked for a more specific area. i just told elias to lie about the location itself, and he did. the problem is, with his family, if you tell one person something, then the entire family will know. and we really can't have his abusive father figuring out where he lives for a wide variety of reasons.

new house done!

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

Sorry I haven't been very active. Turns out, purchasing a house and moving is really, really time consuming (and expensive.) We finally moved out a few days ago though! It was kind of a nightmare in a lot of ways, but I'm really glad that we were able to do it. I'm also back on my ADHD meds (yay!) so I'm feeling a lot better than I have been feeling.

This place is like, stereotypical Texas. Like, full accents and "bless your hearts" and everyone in each other's business and COVID deniers working at Ace Hardware level of Texas. I mean, I bought a house in rural Texas, so I'm not really sure what I expected. But I really like the area. It's very homey, lots of local businesses and tiny town. Way different than where I lived before. Much slower pace.

I hope that everyone has been doing well. I hope I can start updating more often now that the moving chaos is (mostly) dying down.

food

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: disordered eating

i am on adderall and have been for a long time and it's always killed my appetite but now i'm also on wellbutrin and i'm like!! never hungry!!! it's a real problem

like hearing that most people eat three times a day im like "isn't that a bit excessive?" cuz i only eat once a day... and it's usually pretty small. i'm just like, not hungry. it's extremely bizarre.

i feel like eating more than once a day would legitimately make me sick. the psych suggested to eat before taking my meds and once they wore off in the evening but that's just not convenient enough for me. if i have to eat before i take my meds i'll forget to take my meds lmao. and by the time i get hungry in the evening i'm already winding down for bed

p much the only time i'm interested in eating is when i am cooking because that's a big hobby of mine haha

lots of updates!!

Mon, 26 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

my birthday was so good! it was my 33rd birthday. this is the stuff that elias got me! he knows i am super into planners so he got me a small printer (kodak zink) so i can put pictures in my planners! he also got me a washi dispenser which has been a GODSEND. and a bonsai starter kit (trying my best to get them to grow, i have a black thumb unfortunately) and some earrings that came with the extra gift that he would pay for me to get my ears repierced!

the cake was super good, too. it was a frozen yogurt cake from menchie's. it had coconut froyo and cake batter (the vegan kind) froyo, along with white cake, white frosting, caramel center with resee's, and sprinkles! it was super yummy. i'm really glad that we ate it before the power went out haha.

i have a friend from japan named hikaru, and we decided to exchange gifts. she spent $170 getting it shipped to me (dang!!!) my gifts were about that price to ship as well, but i told her i'd have to ship it over several months lol. it was filled with lots of good stuff including the new 2023 summer starbucks japan cup i wanted and lots of snacks!

from wednesday evening to saturday night, my power was out. that is quite a long time for the power to be out, but it would have been tolerable... had it not been summer in houston, tx. it was literally 85 degrees inside the house, super humid so the temperature felt like it was even hotter. literally unlivable. so, me & Elias (husband) and our two dogs and one cat all packed into my tiny sedan and lived in there until saturday night. come saturday night we were finally frustrated enough to get a hotel... and of course, two hours later, the power came back on. just our luck lol

we didn't get a chance to get any house hunting done, but we're now looking at the fairfield area. there's lots of houses that are there. but our realtor is being kind of flaky (has had a couple of vacations within a matter of a few weeks) and only is available weirdo times (like 11am? i have a 9-5, 11am isn't going to work ha.) so i'm looking into getting another realtor.

i had already contacted a different realtor, but she's being SUPER overbearing and annoying. she texted me being like "why did elias unsubscribe from email notifications??" like maybe because they're annoying as hell? & i told her we were looking more north and rural (fairfield) and she was like, "i don't serve that area. are you sure you don't want to live more south?" lady i am not buying a whole ass house in an area i don't want just because you don't feel like coming up north and showing me houses there.

omg... i watched the anju final BIG LOVE, and i don't have many words for take-chan's grad but i am super, super sad. she has been my fave ANGERME member since 2011 (12 years!) so i cried a lot when i watched her grad haha. it was just... really, really sad, but i'm glad that she's moving on and doing something she loves! calligraphy is an awesome career choice for her & an unusual one for an idol.

my doc put me on auvelity, which is apparently just a dextro/wellbutrin mix. i heard you can DIY which might be better than buying the med, because the med is brand new and not really covered by insurance. there are coupons, but what happens when the coupons run out & my insurance doesn't cover it? i'll talk to my psych about doing DIY auvelity with OTC dextro and rx wellbutrin if it comes to that. not super happy about this psych though because she requires in office visits every 3 months & i'm planning on moving away...

new guy starts today at work! if you didn't know, i'm the trainer (the only one lol) at my work, so i'll be working with him pretty closely once he's done onboarding. i'm super excited that we have a new person on our team! it's super overdue.

i made some icons, should i make a new dw for them or just post them here? hmm...

Grateful To Be Alive

Mon, 21 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Grateful to be alive.

I don’t really know what to say here tonight. I haven’t really been in a good mood, emotionally. I am just trying to be positive. At least Dr Zwiener filled our meds. That’s another thing to be grateful for, even if she is being a butt otherwise.

Tired. Sorry for short.

finally get fridge food

Sun, 20 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today i am grateful for toni having a backyard… i am also grateful for our new fridge…

today toni hurt her leg and was so dramatic about it… it was funny.

today we went to heb the first time since we got our fridge… it feels good to finally get fridge food… we got a big tub of ice cream haha… even with all we bought it barely fills it up…

no more tiny fridge hell

Fri, 18 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today we finally got a full sized fridge. no more tiny fridge hell. true that it won’t be delivered until tomorrow

our first plan was to put it on credit, a brand new one for $800. then i found a really cheap working one that delivers for $350 - $80 for delivery. so we were able to avoid putting it on credit which is badass.

not much else happened today. filled meds. looking into getting a new psych/gp. you know the usual “adult” boring shit

today was a good day

Thu, 17 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Grateful:

Got paid
Can afford meds
Found new doctor
Job is easy
Job pays living wage
Today felt short
Fridge!!!

Not gonna lie, there was a lot of negativity today that I could write about, but I would rather stay positive. what will I be for halloween….

I am happy because of the prospect of a new doctor, I want to go to the clinic that has many doctors all in one. That would be more convenient.

Everything Turned Out Fine

Mon, 14 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Everything turned out fine. Better than fine, actually. We aren’t overeating or over spending anymore! And we are really happy in general. This is probably the best we have ever felt.

I ate so much today! I’m so full

Before Wellbutrin that wouldn’t have made me full, but here we are.

Overall life is going great. And this Friday we will actually be caught up on bills. I am super excited!

Dear Universe, Can Tomorrow Be Over Already

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Dear Universe, can tomorrow just be over with already? Cranked my Anxiety Meds up to 1.5 as per the doctors orders and it couldn’t be happening on a better night because I’m so worried about the yearly review trauma date one-two punch tomorrow.

Today, however, was lovely. Spent the day with my wife and cooked chili in the Instant Pot. It turned out great. I did, however, accidentally spill water on my wireless headphones and shorted them out. Ah, well. Another one bites the dust.

our good luck strikes again

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Our good luck strikes again. after thinking about calling in today, we got to go home at noon because some guy broke our power. glad because we are going with florence + her family to the science museum tomorrow also taking phillip

The doctor upped our lexapro, to 1.5 dosage. we will probably fill the other one first though so we don’t waste a refill. we weren’t able to go get them refilled today because of the going home early

probably just take a nap

Thu, 08 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Guess who is not reading that previous page? This guy

I accidentally took a day off today bc I was supposed to work 7-3 but I slept in until 8 anyway but its probably good bc I havent had a day off in months

called in sick and Jessica let me use vacation day without any issues

I’m overwhelmed with the possibility of things I could do today. I’ll probably just take a nap. That might be a waste tho???

Stop Spinning Our Wheels

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I am going to try journaling again. This may be the only entry before a 50 month hiatus, but.

I really want to throw this old thing away. So many bad memories. But we can’t just throw away our bad memories. We have to embrace our past selves, however imperfect, and accept that they, too, were once a part of us.

Feb is here. Feb 15th will be my one year job anniversary. Go me! Well, go us, really. We have survived a year @ a job, a feat we have never accomplished before. And at age 27, it’s long overdue. I am anxious about the review and potential raise, but we will see what happens.

elias in the ER

Mon, 02 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

elias went to the ER on friday so i left work early. ended up having to pay $150 out of pocket for the ER charge

today i will get metformin. i hope that is doing something. i forgot to take my medication last night which is fun. i must have been really tired because set the alarm wrong (6:45 on a day that we have to work at 7 doesn't compute), stayed up too late, and didn't take my meds. oh well. i'll live without them for one day. working 7-2 today to go to the doc appointment at 2:30pm.

PCOS

Thu, 28 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

pcos was confirmed FINALLY. like i actually saw the results with my eyes, in front of me (even though the doc wasn't supposed to so now i have to act like i'm surprised whenever dr. joe contacts me and tells me it came back positive)

it's so dumb but i'm actually relieved? relieved that i have physical proof and relieved that it isn't something else mostly. now i can get on meds to manage it and hopefully move on with life. future self, are you on metformin and is it working well?? knowing my luck it causes me to spontaneously combust or something hahaha.

cooked some meatballs yesterday too, those were pretty bomb. a+ would cook again. probably going to try to cook the parmesan fries tonight (i almost wrote fires rip.)

Writing Prompts

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to start using writing prompts again because I fail hardcore at updating if I don't. I'm using the prompts from the first page I got from googling: this one. I'll try to update daily, which should last me awhile. I refuse to do stupid ones though, like "WHAT IF THE COWS GAVE ROOTBEER INSTEAD LULS."

First prompt: "What is something you dislike about yourself?"

The #1 thing would have to be my lack of friends and the REASON I lack friends. I know perfectly well why I lack friends, I've attempted to change it, and I can't. This is just the way I am. (I started thinking about this when I was talking to Matt about it the other day.)

The only reason I lack friends is the plain and simple fact that I am bipolar. If all you out there in LJ land don't know what bipolar is I suggest you read the Wikipedia article but here's the condensed version: people who are bipolar go through "stages" of moods. I'll paraphrase.

Stage I: "Depressive phase" (aka "Bad Days"): Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, shyness, chronic pain (with or without a known cause)*, lack of motivation

* most of the time the chronic pain is in my stomach, I'll feel weak to my stomach for no apparent reason

Stage II: "Mania" (aka "Really Good Days"): Rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, increased interest in goal-directed activities, more severe version of Stage III

Stage III: "Hypomania" (aka "Good Days"): An uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny, 'artistic' state, flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, obsessional behavior, ability to improvise easily on the spot, increase in subconscious movement*, excessive sexual activity, increased self-esteem, being more talkative than usual or feeling pressure from within the thought process to keep talking (i.e., cannot stop until the story is done)

* usually biting my nails

Stage IV: "Mixed State" (aka "Really Bad Days"): A condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously. Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted.

When I'm in a Stage VI mood, I will snap at people randomly, feel guilty later, cry randomly, snap again, have hot flashes because of random anxiety, etc. That's just the way I am and hell if I'll take medication to stop it. Also, if you're curious, today is a Stage III for me. Yesterday was Stage II.

Why the point of this? To explain why I don't have friends, naturally: when someone catches me in a bad mood, I go OFF on them. Normally what happens...

1) I get pissed off because of some small little minuscule thing that others wouldn't even notice.
2) Go off on my current target. It may not have been who caused it, most likely it's one of my really good friends, usually I bitch about it to them but occasionally my "target" is a friend that I don't really consider to be really a good friend, but because they caused the problem I go off on them.
3) Anger lasts 10 minutes, but in those 10 minutes I say something EXTREMELY stupid. Because I'm prideful I refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that I did anything wrong.
4) Somewhat-good-friend either takes this and understands how I am (becoming a good friend) or stops talking to me so often, and stops being my friend.

Believe it or not, 96% of people land in the last group, the people who know I'll do it again and prefer not to be stressed out by my bitchiness. The only two people that I know who have really been able to "accept" that I do this is Matt and Amanda. Dale is not one of those people because whenever I get angry I deliberately direct it away from him, because I'm afraid that if I do that too often he'll stop liking me.

The people who are my really good friends have learned that I do this and can get past it anyway. And I'm glad that they can, because this is my major flaw and what keeps people away from me. That and the fact that I'm a "loner"-- I genuinely prefer my own company and rarely talk to anyone (usually it's others talking to me, and usually it's unwelcome, at least at school).

Matt said the reason he doesn't mind it is because he knows I'm not that way all the time, and that I can be awesome when I'm not angry or sad. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..

[edit] My brother just got a leopard gecko and sent me a frantic message to help him on xbox because he thinks his gecko is sick. I gave him all the tips I could and he's still worried, and it makes me really heartsick and almost makes me wanna cry because he's so worried about it. He even has a little coconut for the gecko to go in when he has to shed. He's been really considering hard a gecko and researched it, and I am going to be really pissed/sad if the gecko is sick. I'll probably cry, hell, I almost am right now.