Mental Health on needing.space

second day at job thoughts

Tue, 13 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

I'm starting to think the nurse thing is an age issue. the younger nurses seem to be little jerks and the older nurses seem to have enough wisdom to not be little jerks. but yeah lots of "them being little jerk" moments to me today which I won't get into yeesh.

i also learned today that the main part of the hospital has a bad reputation - apparently stuff happened 20-30 years ago and in a small community like this people just… you know. I don't know about BHU though.

chaos

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

today was so chaotic

2 hours of sleep
wake up at 7:30am
40min drive to New workplace
piss test number 1 at new workplace/pre employment
inform employer im on a stimulant for ADHD that might come back positive, they say they don’t care
pre employment paperwork
blood work to prove I had childhood vaccinations for work, had to take from both arms
drive back home 40min
fight with removing old visor and installing new one in car, an especially difficult task
find that my BFF and Elias both had late gifts for me that came in - cute purse and loose legos
put external hard drive files to transfer to server
drive Elias & I to new psych - 1hr10min
do more new hire paperwork from phone including background check stuff, put in my GED and not my college
drive to Walmart to buy a small desk at Walmart for the computer in living room (only about 5min)
hurry and drive back for my own appointment
piss test number 2 (yes probably first and last piss test combo during one day for different people) because psych/stimulants
talk to doctor
go out for kaitenzushi sushi to relax and celebrate job - 1.5hr drive
realize that background check probably wanted my college even though job only requires/asks for GED, just so it matches my resume on file
look at transcript, realize my moronic old college fucked up my transfer and background check will likely come back as degree unearned
send a text to HR giving them a heads up/explaining situation
spend the rest of night being anxious about it
go to claw machine only arcade
win a kuromi plushie
drive back home, 2hr drive
surprisingly got home in one piece despite multiple people trying to cause crashes likely because it’s the night before New Year’s Eve
the download/transfer didn’t work because it paused on transferring… a virus? for some reason I backed up quarantined viruses from 2016 on my external I need to delete them hahaha
still dwelling on anxiety, put together desk for distraction
realize I got an email an hour after the first email, saying I had passed background check… less anxious but still somewhat anxious
look up rules on how to fix it and get my degree awarded/sent
update brother and friends podcast website
work on transcribing some old journals
realize I have therapy tomorrow, worlds largest sigh
veg out in front of TV until 2:30am

and yes that means I drove almost 6 hours today

depression and isolation

Sat, 27 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

on the bright side for the people around me, when I get depressed I am super low maintenance meaning that I rly don’t ask for much of… anything, no socialization, no extras, I’m essentially the pet rock version of a friend. on the other hand that means I don’t even really have the energy to take care of myself or important things in my life so that sucks.

I honestly don’t even know if people realize that I’m socially isolating ngl. I think people are so damn used to me being the one to initiate anything social, etc that no one else bothers to do so. I mean ffs my father didn’t even call on Xmas this year so like…

still here

Sun, 14 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

yes, we are still here. it’s just that it has been way too busy and exhausted to update here unfortunately. we have been doing TMS full time for six weeks starting in september, and then we started spravato which has been life changing. it really has helped our depression so much. like, pretty much in remission at this point.

with coming into the new year, there’s going to be quite a lot that we have to do. we are finally down to once a week on spravato, but they are changing our insurance, so we need to figure that out. there is a place that is slightly closer than the 200mi/3 hour round trip for the other place that both us and elias are going to right now. but still, it’s been exhausting have to drive to and from dallas every day for months now. it’s just… too much honestly. so, will be glad to be moving to somewhere closer, and only doing it once a week.

I quit Dominos

Thu, 16 Oct 2025 12:00:00 -0500

I quit dominos halfway through the shift. Absolutely fuck that shit. My life is too short and valuable to spend it like that.

- first day at dominos
- come into the store at 5pm
- "hey I scheduled you until 12, is that ok?" it is but uhh yeah...
- brought to the tiny office, told that I need to fill out new hire paperwork ON MY OWN TIME. the audacity. I've never had a job do this, even McDonalds.
- manager doesn't go over literally anything. doesn't even show me how to clock in and out. doesn't go over all the other new hire stuff I would expect either. literally just takes my license, gives me a shirt and hat, and shoves me with some other guy
- "we called in someone for today to train you"
- i was expecting actual training modules on a computer but ok
- guy is absolutely awful at training. goes to show that being good at the job doesn't mean you're good at teaching it
- takes 5 minutes to show me around the store, goes on a single run with me, then leaves (it was his day off!!)
- guy tells me literally everyone working today only has been there a few months
- I'm left on my own to figure literally everything else out
- not even sure who the manager is
- whoever the manager is is also dropping the ball, doesn't tell me to go on breaks or lunch at appropriate times
- as per usual, female coworkers are super chill, the few dudes in there have the worlds largest attitude
- other coworker mentioned "we get 30 cents per mile", I was told 77 in interview
- 30 cents per mile won't even cover my gas and car maintenance
- only get paid $5 (!!!) an hour when on a delivery, then $9 in store (which should be illegal in 2025 ngl. both the tipping loophole and $9/hr)
- they assume you'll make it up in tips
- no one fucking tips. like maybe $2-3 per delivery if I'm lucky, and these are on $40+ orders
- sign on the wall says "NO FREE FOOD FOR WORKERS, NO EXCEPTIONS" which kinda is in line with how cheap they have been, also against franchise rules because anyone working a full shift is supposed to get a lunch
- despite this, see food on the table in the back that's being eaten by group (of course, I am not informed about it)
- expected to wash dishes when no deliveries, but I have eczema on my hands and it's tearing up my hands
- night shift, so people arent paying as much attention, almost get into a few wrecks already
- personally am drained from my medical treatment earlier in the day so I am also low on energy and recognize that it's unsafe for me to be driving
- everyone else is shocked that I am full time, everyone there is part time and says they wouldn't want to work FT
- they wanted me to CLOSE THE STORE MYSELF on my first day. as in, I would be the only driver and then one other person up front closing.
- my manager (whoever that is) doesn't even tell me this
- this place is clearly a shit show
- on top of that all the customers are rude as fuck, probably because rural Texas
- realize literally any other way to spend my life would be preferable to working another 10 minutes there, and that being homeless would be preferable too.
- take their stupid sign off the top of my car, leave it outside, put the cash in the cash box, text the person who hired me a nice "I quit" message informing her of the equipment and cash, telling her to send my check to the address on file
- I would be totally fine with them not even paying me, I'll take whatever few tips I got and call it a wash.

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

Wed, 15 Oct 2025 12:00:00 -0500

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

so I start a new job tomorrow. it’s just a really simple one, delivery driver for dominos. I’m going to continue doing TMS through the next few weeks as well. so, it’s going to be a LOT at first. I’m hoping that I can make it through the first few weeks without getting too burnt out. especially since it’s SO MUCH driving.

TMS is kicking my ass

Tue, 30 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

man. TMS has been rough. I know the first 2-3 weeks usually have the worst side effects and it’s normal to experience what I’m experiencing but since it’s so slow acting, the side effects are also slow to go away.

like several weeks in.. I’m having trouble thinking straight, having memory issues, insane fatigue etc which are all apparently side effects that I wasn’t really warned about before starting. which is fine but actually the depression is worse because of all the side effects, also just becoming worse I think before it gets better because of depression, trauma being shuffled up and etc.

mostly just tired

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Hi all. I find myself mostly just tired lately. It’s hard to explain how fatigue inducing TMS has been for me. Really, it’s been the biggest negative side effect, which is hard to push through when there have been virtually no positive effects just yet. It’s three hours round trip every single day for six weeks (200 miles round trip), and I’ll tell you what… I would not be doing this unless I had absolutely no other alternative. Because right now, it is so exhausting. But what is the alternative? Not getting better?

not forgotten about this

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

hey all. I have definitely not forgotten about this blog. My life has just been considerably full of stress the past few weeks. I have some major health stuff going on. Mostly major depression which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s essentially an emergency level. I am going to go through TMS and Spravato soon, which is going to put further stress on our financial situation, which already isn’t ideal. Sigh… I don’t even have the spoons to get into what all is going down with the family situation, either. I will do a proper update soon, hopefully.

trying to figure my life out

Thu, 31 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i had therapy today & we basically just talked about how I'm still overworking despite like, not actually actively being at work. i quit my job but now I'm 24/7 looking and applying for jobs. therapist said that i would do well to just set a timer on how long I can be looking for jobs and do it at a specific time of day so I'm not up at 3am looking for and applying to jobs. which yeah kinda. i mean whatever semblance of a schedule i had instantly disappeared the second i wasn't being forced to get up for a 9-5 & now i'm just constantly in "work" mode whether it be trying to find a job, doing chores, or whatever else.

the therapist is also going to send me some mental health exercises to do to try and get me into the habit of like, actually doing shit. she was trying to be like "what gets you excited about getting up in the morning?" and i'm like literally nothing :( i got the depression.

the psych is being awful and refusing to switch me off my current antidepressants that aren't working. last time i had an appt with her she gave the world's biggest sigh when i told her these weren't working and was like "well i'm not doing this anymore so I'm sending you genesight so we can have some kind of clarity on what will and won't work with you." like excuse me? yeah i'm also tired of my depression but try and keep your gigantic sighs to yourself. if you don't actually want to do your job then maybe change to a different profession.

therapist was like "go do ketamine" and i was (jokingly) like "yeah I'll go talk to the drug dealer down on the corner" and she was like "lmao nooo do it legally". i eventually do wanna do ketamine therapy but i can't at the moment (or any time soon) bc I would need a ride back and forth. it's like a 3 hr round trip to get to and from the closest ketamine therapy place & e doesn't drive so I'd need to figure out a way to deal w that. the only person I could think who could give me a ride is kendrick, and I love kendrick but i rlyyy do not want to be stuck in a car w him for an hour and a half while i'm ketamine tripping LMAO.

CVS is being so fucking dumb. we need to switch away from them. healthcare in this country is a shitshow so the closest "preferred" pharmacy is like a 2 hour round trip in that town with the CVS. so elias called and asked them if his meds were in. they said they were. so i did the 2 hour round trip and when i got there they were like "uh no we don't have it in, we don't even have it in our system" which i kinda assumed considering it wasn't available online but like? they are constantly doing this. plus they aren't doing the insurance verification for my T so like??? get your shit together CVS.

likely we are going to move our stuff over to walgreens bc this is a mess. plus CVS has some new thing with our new location that you can't even call & get a pharmacist on the phone anymore!!! like they only let you leave a voicemail no matter what time of day it is, and if ur lucky they will call you back in a timely manner and you'll catch their call. total shitshow. 0/10 they are not getting our money any longer lmao.

i'm doing my best to figure stuff out but it's been so hard lately. it's just... idk. everything is exhausting. how am i feeling even MORE burnt out after quitting my job??? i guess it's bc with my job I could clock in and out and be done for the day but now I feel like i'm constantly "on" with constantly job hunting and the like. i hope that i can find some kind of peace outside of that. the therapist said it was a pretty good opportunity for me to figure out what i actually want to be doing with my day that a lot of people don't get, and i agree. we are totally privileged in that way & i'm very grateful for that. but still, it's exhausting... ugh. me @ myself: get ur shit together please

will i ever be okay

Fri, 25 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

yesterday I didn’t write, but there wasn’t much to write to be honest with you. i worked, then i slept for like 16 hours. i should have just done the same today. feeling so heavily suicidal. like, i need to get back on my anxiety but the fact that i had such a withdrawal during vacation is scary. i don’t want to deal with that. but without any antidepressant i feel like i am so depressed that i might start self harming. and there is also the fact that i don’t really trust Maria, so i can’t even talk to her about anything. this sucks. it feels like everyone would be better off if i just died. i hate it. well, whatever… its whatever. hopefully i can go back to eating soon. i didn’t eat today. my eating disorder is acting up too much. will i ever be okay?

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

Thu, 17 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

this journal

there's no way I'm ever going to get this journal completely done if i keep uncovering old blogs and journals. I don't really think i realized exactly how prolific I am. I'm all over the damn internet. i just found an old random alt deviantart account i had that has a bunch of journals still available on there. help...the admin at pagecord, olly, was kind enough to help me import all the dreamwidth entries though at least (whew.) and then wrote a really nice blog entry about it :) thank you olly! customer for life right here.

i may or may not (definitely did) write a reddit post over on /r/digitaljournaling suggesting that people check out pagecord as well. I just randomly stumbled upon it; I believe that the admin of hey.com wrote an article about it…? I already forget. the search engine kagi is really good about unearthing more underground articles like that. i’m about to quit my job in a few weeks, and i told e that i refuse to stop paying for kagi haha. that’s one of those necessary subscriptions for me. google is just such a shithole at this point for so many reasons.

something big negative is about to happen

Thu, 03 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Long time no write. I dont want to shit up the other better journal with my bullshit.

but. it feels like something big (negative) is about to happen. its hard to explain. but if someone wants to hurt me, including myself, they should just do it. i’m such a coward. when will i ever get the courage to just end it all??

this is too painful to endure for much longer. i need to stop spending money, if im not going to be around much longer to enjoy it. just a waste. my entire life is a waste. such a disappointment

I'll Just Become The Host

Mon, 02 Jun 2025 12:00:00 -0500

I’ll just become the host, if that’s what everyone wants from me.

I probably wasn’t ever different anyway.

extrovert's hell of my own making

Tue, 20 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

forgot to write for a few days, oh well. had therapy today or, Anastasia did. basically just sat, and talking about the mother and him. i think she keeps forgetting to reference this diary in therapy or whatever. fine by me, as all i do in here is wah wah anyway.

speaking of wah wah, im feeling so lonely lately. i wish there was something i could do about it. most of the time, it feels like genuinely, no one actually wants to be talking to me, or wants me around in general. its such a bummer to feel this way. its really no one’s fault, and actually, ive felt this way my entire life, so its not anything new.

already feels weird w/o smartphone

Tue, 13 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

’- my new tcl flip came in, the sim card worked out of the box, no thanks to the support person trying to “help” me who was acting like it was her first day on the job. why are they so “hit or miss”?

Already feels weird w/o smartphone, what do you mean I can’t just do whatever immediately
Couples therapy yesterday was fine ig.
Made an amazing cheesecake out of Cortney’s lemons yesterday. now soon to make baklava
work drama happening which tbh isn’t even worth memorializing here lmao
Perpetually sleepy, but sleep doctor hasn’t verified our insurance yet
Danielle is so annoying w/ texting me @ 1am to ask work questions, happy to be switching numbers
There are also trauma reasons for switching that i can’t be bothered to get into
Life is chill for the moment at least for now

Just A Couple More Seconds

Fri, 25 Apr 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Raven,

We are on vacation right now. I bought this journal in hopes of archiving our life. Pictures are great, but I want to describe my emotions as well. And what better way than this?

I don’t know if we will give you this when we are done. Maybe we will keep it forever to ourselves. But knowing that I am not just tossing words into the void is a good incentive.

will i ever feel like i am enough

Fri, 09 Aug 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Will I ever feel like I am enough? probably not. It makes me so sad that it seems like everyone doesn’t trust me and is annoyed by me. I am thinking it may be better for me to just quit therapy. I am a lost cause, so why pay $100 a month hearing that? It doesn’t make sense. Just a waste of money. I am so sad… everytime it feels like things are getting better, something bad happens.

dont feel like its worth the fight

Wed, 05 Jun 2024 12:00:00 -0500

lately i been thinkin a lot about death + suicide. i wonder if it would be better if i was dead. it would be less exhaustin for sure. alot of days lately it dont feel like its worth the fight. the fatigue is just so fukin bad.

i read online that death can be peaceful. people who have near death experiences, dont want to wake up. like, death is like wakin up from a long dream… well, we will experience it one day. maybe im scared of sufferin before death. that lack of control… i can see why euthanasia is a mercy for some people. but for someone who is just lost + tired of life? maybe not… i dunno. it’s weird to think about.

i'm so exhausteddd

Tue, 23 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

b4 i write anything i will just say i see i got some comments/DMs i gotta reply to, i'll try to get to that today or tomorrow

but for today just a lil venting... ughhhhhh

depression

has been HELLA bad this month which has also kinda affected everything. plus i ran out of adderall and i don't even have the energy to fight to get it refilled, which is making me even more sleepy bc adderall is one of the only things that keeps me motivated and awake, otherwise i sleep 20 hours a day like my pets. but like... idk. i haven't even felt like being awake or anything.

work

is still a nightmare. it's really depressing me even worse than usual lmao. my main alter anastasia just kinda had a meltdown and said "fuck all yall" and is gone for now so bye i guess lmao. can't really say i blame her, this job is soul sucking. fucking sucks. and it's unfortunately causing a lil rift in the relationship with E. like a micro rift, barely even there but still there, which SUPER sucks.

sleep

is basically just non-existent these days, and when i do get sleep, i have night terrors every night. sometimes i'm able to get to sleep if my dog Toni is sleeping next to me, but she's the only one that helps. i've tried my other pets, and it's just toni. and bless her, unfortunately she is in a donut right now (a very cute one might i add, actually decorated like a pink donut) because she won't stop licking her leg and giving herself a hot spot. so when i'm trying to sleep, she's like twice as big as she should be because of the donut... haha. it's the only thing that helps me tho. i also forgot my meds last night which makes my sleep even WORSE.

finances

good god don't even get me started on this lmao. i have been impulse spending like money is literally burning a hole in my pocket and then wondering why i am broke. but it's like the impulse spending is due to my depression and trying to get like at least 1 serotonin however i can, but then i have -100 serotonins at the end of the month bc i'm stressed out about finances. but in the moment i'm like "yolo" and end up spending way too much... i'm going to talk to the therapist about it today.

therapy

oh also speaking of which therapy sucks it's hard and exhausting and she's currently doing some EDMR adjacent stuff w me and it makes me even sleepier than usual. like every week i feel like skipping & the only reason i don't is bc it's literally cheaper to just go than it is to pay the last minute cancellation fee :X i'll figure it out...

there's a lot of good stuff going on in my life too tho! like for one thankfully E is actually decent with finances so my questionable financial "decisions" aren't impacting our life that much. plus ASL 101 is almost over and there's a dinner next week for all the people who were in all the ASL classes! i'm pretty excited <3 elias and i are a few of the only people that are moving on to 102 though, which isn't surprising to me. i think that most people would take 101 to see if they like it, and if it doesn't really jive with them, they just stop coming. i get it... haha

something something therapy

Wed, 17 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i didn't know deadjournal was still around. oh my god. my old journal is STILL UP THERE... i even lied about my age because i was like 12 at the time. i have no clue how to get into it, i think it's still private, but oh my god, that's hilarious. the interests are super funny too

https://limbo.deadjournal.com/_everlasting/profile

i got so distracted that i forgot what i was going to write about. i think i was just mostly going to write about the fact that i keep waking up every hour in bed. the therapist (and elias) both think it has something to do with the fact that we don't feel okay in general with sleeping. i mean, it's hard. there was one time in our life when we woke up and our abuser that we hadn't talked to in over a decade had MOVED IN. we were in college and living with our father and for some reason, he thought it was ok to have our mother move in, without our consent...? so i guess maybe we're worried about that still. especially since we started talking with her again. (though she lost interest, like i think we said before)

at least today is ASL class. about the only time we are able to get out of the house, and missing last week, we are needing it more than ever. richard* noticed that our car was overheating but assured us it would be fine, so i trust him. and if he was wrong, there's always AAA.

*an alter of ours

i can't remember shit

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i keep having this like. really annoying problem where i think i'm done w something and my brain is like "yaaay you're done here's the dopamine! check that one off the list :)" and then i only finished it 80% of the way and then someone else comes to me and is like "can you. actually finish that task" it's happening a lot at work which is the exact last place you would want something like this to happen

i stg my adhd will be the end of me... i have meds and everything they just aren't working as well as i might like them to lol. also i have therapy todayyyy i'm going to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and have a temper tantrum bc i hate therapy lmao. IT NEVER FEELS LIKE IT'S WORKING even though i'm 100% sure that it's at least doing something

i mean i have a really good therapist. i feel like i'm actually making progress w her, whereas in the past i felt like i wasn't making much progress (the therapist before this was super nice and down to earth but had the tendency to just like, end up talking about politics with me instead of trauma stuff or mental health stuff... it ended up feeling like i was paying someone to be my friend which is even more depressing than just being regular depressed)

ALSO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I NEED TO TAKE MY CAR IN TO THE SHOP TODAY BUT I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME AHHHHH HEEELLLPPP

ok tantrum over i'll go to therapy now

new house done!

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

Sorry I haven't been very active. Turns out, purchasing a house and moving is really, really time consuming (and expensive.) We finally moved out a few days ago though! It was kind of a nightmare in a lot of ways, but I'm really glad that we were able to do it. I'm also back on my ADHD meds (yay!) so I'm feeling a lot better than I have been feeling.

This place is like, stereotypical Texas. Like, full accents and "bless your hearts" and everyone in each other's business and COVID deniers working at Ace Hardware level of Texas. I mean, I bought a house in rural Texas, so I'm not really sure what I expected. But I really like the area. It's very homey, lots of local businesses and tiny town. Way different than where I lived before. Much slower pace.

I hope that everyone has been doing well. I hope I can start updating more often now that the moving chaos is (mostly) dying down.

my ADHD hates me.

Mon, 03 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

the amount of executive functioning required to close a house from A to Z is going to make my brain explode. that is all.

mmmm

Sun, 02 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: suicide. comments fully welcome but fully not necessary if you don't know what to say. this is a tough topic. i'm mostly venting.

my husband almost died of a suicide attempt in february. he was in the ICU for a week. i was told on the first night that we wouldn't know if he would make it until the next morning. i was also told if i had taken him in even an hour later, there would have been nothing they could have done.

it was the worst night of my life. i kept it together by his side, but when i got into the car after they took him into the ICU, i couldn't stop crying. i don't think i've ever cried that hard in my life.

our lives are never going to be the same. he's already seeing health repercussions that will last a lifetime. not to mention the trauma it caused to myself and him. i'm very fortunate to have a good therapist who was open to a ton of texts and unpaid time to assist both of us through that time. but the trauma is lasting. i'm still struggling with it in therapy. i don't even know how to scratch the surface.

suicide jokes have kind of hit different since then. and not in a good way. i feel kind of like a grump or buzzkill, but i just can't handle it anymore. it's not cool or cute to joke about killing yourself. better to do it in company that won't be upset by it rather than the internet at large.

food

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: disordered eating

i am on adderall and have been for a long time and it's always killed my appetite but now i'm also on wellbutrin and i'm like!! never hungry!!! it's a real problem

like hearing that most people eat three times a day im like "isn't that a bit excessive?" cuz i only eat once a day... and it's usually pretty small. i'm just like, not hungry. it's extremely bizarre.

i feel like eating more than once a day would legitimately make me sick. the psych suggested to eat before taking my meds and once they wore off in the evening but that's just not convenient enough for me. if i have to eat before i take my meds i'll forget to take my meds lmao. and by the time i get hungry in the evening i'm already winding down for bed

p much the only time i'm interested in eating is when i am cooking because that's a big hobby of mine haha

living out of the car

Sun, 25 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

we have been living out of our car since wednesday afternoon because i live in the hottest part of texas and a storm took down 500,000+ people's power and they are fixing ours last 🥲 we finally got tired of living out of our car and took ourselves and our pets to a hotel. ughhh.

i need a break

Wed, 21 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

holy shit i need a break from all this house shit. i made a throwaway email and phone number (thanks mysudo) just for movers because i know they spam the shit out of you and that was the smartest thing i ever did. i have literally over 200 emails from people trying to get ahold of me...

i hired a lawyer yesterday to help deal with the landlord. they've gotten so bad that we are honestly just at an impasse. the HOA agreed to not move forward with any action until after aug 31 when we are moved out, but still. ugh. can't wait to ream them out online when this is all over.

it seems like my gp called back, but i was in the shower. unless he was telling me he's sending over the sleep apnea study referral, then it probably wasn't important. i need a sleep study done very desperately. i haven't been able to sleep, even worse than usual in the past few weeks. which is exacerbating my exhaustion with everything else. 💤

blahhhhh

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

are you ever so tired that you feel nauseous? yea dat me. i got the worst sleep in the world last night!! i think i'm all worried about the house? though i am going to have a sleep study done soon because i'm like 98% sure i have sleep apnea which def isn't helping

i am very, very lucky and blessed to be working from home so i can roll over to my home office and try not to fall asleep at my desk

i work in the ophthalmology field... sites send us pictures of eyeballs they took of patients in clinical trials taken in various ways and i look at them and make sure the sites didn't fuck up. basically QA

i don't really do that as much anymore because i was promoted to ophthalmology training specialist (fancy title) so i mostly train people now and spend a lot of my day fussing around in powerpoint to make sure that images are aligned properly

but!! that means i'm not as subject to the metrics as most other people (i still worry about them tho.) a typical IQCS (image quality control specialist) is supposed to look at and process 1000+ images per month but i've been told it's okay if i do 300-500 in a normal month and less if i'm training people

but i still get paranoid and end up doing like...700 a month every month because i'm neurotic

i can't do that tho because we are hiring a few new people soon! so i'm scrambling to make sure all our newbie powerpoints are updated properly

i'd honestly rather be messing around in powerpoint than processing images, but my manager has been weirdly micromanagey towards myself and everyone else lately so it's been hard to, yknow, actually do my job lmao

i'll find a balance one of these days 😭

weight talk

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: sexual abuse/trauma, weight, eating disorders

venting about 600lb life

i really shouldn't be watching 600lb life in the throes of an eating disorder relapse but here we are

i have like, a love hate relationship with the show?

i love to see that the show seemingly goes out of its way to portray fat people in a way that seems to humanize them (at first at least.) they make it very clear from the beginning of the show how much their weight affects their ability to live a normal life and that it's primarily caused by trauma. almost everyone on the show has been traumatized at least once, most of them multiple times, many of them sexually abused

HOWEVER, dr now seems to do like, nothing with this information? the people on the show are always in need of some heavy therapy for their PTSD. but he just throws a pamphlet that says LOW CARB, HIGH PROTEIN, 1200 CALORIES A DAY at them and lists fruits and vegetables and to only eat three times a day and expects them to just... bootstraps themselves out of their eating disorder??? thanks it was useless. i would say 80% of people know why they're fat and a VLCD print out isn't going to help that much.

then he gets pissed off at them and blames them for not "wanting it enough" when they inevitably fail because this diet is just a bandaid for the underlying eating disorder? like dude this is the equivalent of printing a big ass smiley face on a piece of paper that says "don't worry, be happy!" and then telling a depressed person to look at it when they are sad and shocked pikachu when they relapse or never make progress in the first place

like, it makes me mad that the first thing that happens isn't immediate therapy. he only makes the people go to therapy like half the time, and usually 6+ months into their weight loss attempt, IF they are in danger of regaining lost weight (god forbid). otherwise he's just like "there's nothing else we can do for you, you don't want this enough"

i get that he wants to put them on VLCD to fix the immediate negative physical ramifications their weight is having, but can't he do that at the same time as therapy? he also only requires (provides?) one session a month. that is not nearly enough for people with trauma this extreme. the show i watched last night, the woman was sexually abused over her entire childhood and early adulthood by multiple unrelated people and incidents. you can't bootstrap yourself out of that!!

and the drive to houston is super problematic and sometimes straight up dangerous. instead of having them make the drive and sometimes move all together, he should really consider having them do local therapy or teletherapy for X sessions first.

ALSO, sometimes he sends over nutritionists. this should 100% be part of onboarding for every single person on the show, or at least be introduced a few months down the line regardless of their progress. most people on the show scoff at it and ignore it, but i saw an episode the other day where that was a major turning point for the lady because she genuinely didn't realize the stuff that she was eating was high calorie. she was extremely receptive (albeit somewhat embarrassed) and switched out all her stuff to low fat (read: low calorie) and... surprise! she started losing weight.

like, i also don't even know if i like that the show airs out all their trauma on live Tv. i'm almost certain it's a requirement to be in the show(and get free weight loss help) but a lot of people are like "i've never trips anyone this before" and now the whole world knows!!!

i feel like the implication is also that you can't be fat unless you have some "reason" to be, like overeating due to trauma. when like, you can have an ED that is not linked to trauma, and you can also be a big eater without trauma, and naturally big.

kinda feels to me like the entire show is dehumanizing and a sideshow type thing where people point and laugh because this person doesn't look like us "healthy" people, under the guise of "health." dr. now can be incredibly cruel and rude to the point of some of the rude things he says becoming memes- "why you eat so much?" with his face is a top selling magnet on red bubble for example. it's the same rhetoric that a lot of online concern trolls pill "i don't care about them eating, i just care about their health!!!!"

as an aside, i heard they pay people to shower on camera so every single episode starts with them showering on camera which is yucky. not yucky because of them showering but yucky because it feels like they paid vulnerable poor people to depict themselves in a way that dehumanizes them, with somehow also having a voice over of them talking about their trauma? and they seem to have no moral quandary about this. the entire show seems predatory to be honest and the time spent talking about their trauma is like 3min at the beginning and then it's instantly buried in the other hour and a half unless it's a direct plot point

dats all. peace

i want an ipad

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

kind of too tired to write much. today was fine except for when i got dizzy + shaky + migraine from forgetting to eat.

gabby announced she’s quitting which sucks nuts for me, but i’m happy for her. just worried the next person is going to be micro managing + i don’t like that. anna said she’s going to let herself be fired but i think she’s just being over dramatic as usual.

lazy as shit at work

Fri, 15 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Happy bday Toni!! :)

Today I was lazy as shit. barely did anything @ work and then did nothin after work. i don’t front much anymore so I try to enjoy it while I can… by not workin hahaha

anyways I should sleep. good night

fewer nightmares and way fewer mistakes

Tue, 05 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

had a hell of a day. couldn’t sleep all last night and when i did sleep it was just trauma nightmares.

plus i screwed up @ work, i don’t even know why they keep me w/how much i screw up. i feel bad and especially embarrassed because it’s my boss that keeps catching it, like… ugh.

talking to Raven helped a lot though. she helped a lot today. she put away the groceries and took care of the animals while i took a nap. i don’t deserve to be treated so kindly, but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

very sleepy sunday

Sun, 26 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was very sleepy. mostly just slept. what a great way to spend a sunday.

unfortunately alisia hasn’t been feeling too good today, so we didn’t really get to do much together. i hope by sleeping, she will feel better.

not ready to go back to work yet… sigh haha.

criminal minds finally finished

Sat, 25 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Saturday…

criminal minds finally finished… no clue what we are going to watch next… that was 15 seasons so we have been watching it for a while…

also didn’t take adderall today… so i slept most of the day… at least it felt good to sleep… haha…

glad it’s the weekend…

getting used to this new found energy

Fri, 24 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

lately i have been feeling restless and wanting to get more accomplished. i haven’t been able to start any of my hobbies back again for some reason.

still trying to get used to this new found energy. i guess.

i wish my sunburn would stop peeling too. and i’m not feeling well. tonight. feeling kind of sick? hard to describe.

i hope sleeping it off will work..

good night!!!

work was productive today

Wed, 22 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Work was productive today. but i felt tired all day and slept in later than usual. i accidentally have therapy tomorrow because she scheduled us for this week instead of next week. i don’t know what to talk to her about. maybe we will come up with something.

Happy Birthday 32

Sat, 18 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Today was our birthday - 32. It was very fun. We got lots of presents and they were all amazing. The cake was also very good. I’m glad we have someone who spoils us, even though we usually don’t have the money to spoil them. I will try to get them lots of stuff next year if finances allow.

Wish I could sleep in tomorrow, but it’s church day. Maybe someday Phil will learn how to drive himself…

excuse to use my stickers

Fri, 12 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

hey! long time no talk. the only real big change we have is, that we got our top surgery done! yay ♡

honestly the only reason i am picking this back up is so i have an excuse to use my stickers haha. and various other stationery.

today i’m having my follow up appt for top surgery. wish me luck!! ♡

I am trying to get over my anxiety of using stickers lol

Tomorrow Is A New Day

Thu, 13 Feb 2020 11:00:00 -0600

The message written before this entry: “Tomorrow is a new day, cherish it.”

That is a much needed message. Thank you.

It’s been a long, terrible week. Good and bad, really.

I’m having trouble telling the difference between dreams, reality and hallucinations lately.

Everything is just blending together. Maybe this is a sign of too much stress. I do not know.

I am ready to turn the page to a new chapter of our life. One without Hoodoo, completely.

not in the spooky torture house

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Missed yesterday oh well. Not my fault/problem. Today was a good day. I was super lazy at work today. It’s a Thursday so we are on the lazy side…

This weekend is tool & I am super excited!

I am also super tired. I don’t know how or why. I hope I can get into a new psych soon. I am figuring it out, but for now just sticking with Baylor, but with a different doctor. My current doctor sucks big old monkey nuts.

Grateful To Be Alive

Mon, 21 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Grateful to be alive.

I don’t really know what to say here tonight. I haven’t really been in a good mood, emotionally. I am just trying to be positive. At least Dr Zwiener filled our meds. That’s another thing to be grateful for, even if she is being a butt otherwise.

Tired. Sorry for short.

no more tiny fridge hell

Fri, 18 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today we finally got a full sized fridge. no more tiny fridge hell. true that it won’t be delivered until tomorrow

our first plan was to put it on credit, a brand new one for $800. then i found a really cheap working one that delivers for $350 - $80 for delivery. so we were able to avoid putting it on credit which is badass.

not much else happened today. filled meds. looking into getting a new psych/gp. you know the usual “adult” boring shit

treatment

Thu, 01 Nov 2018 12:00:00 -0500

honestly i'm tired of being treated like garbage consistently from literally everyone i know but what can i do

tired

Mon, 29 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Oh my god I am so tired. This weekend was just exhausting. Toni keeps peeing everywhere and peed directly on me. We got the cat neutered so he was throwing a fit. We went to D&B for the Fall Convention at work, and that was fun. We also created a Halloween gingerbread house, or at least decorated it. I got pushed out of my tier for bang dream because I dared to go to sleep. I mixed something I was really proud of and my friend tore it down. Basically, I'm just glad the weekend is over for once.

prompts i missed:

27 What are three things from this past month that have been eye-opening?
1) meditation works
2) i need to exercise to feel good
3) hello fresh is amazing

28 What are three things from this past month that have been antagonising?
1) trauma shit as usual
2) pure exhaustion from having to do so much
3) work

29 How are you feeling today?
see above, first paragraph

Long Time No Write

Sat, 14 Apr 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Long time no write. A few things have happened. We went on vacation a few weeks ago, and it was so fun! Went to Louisiana. It was a good recharge, and I can’t wait to do it again soon.

Today we went to the Japan Festival which was also very fun. We saw Tia and ate Japanese food. We were unprepared financially, so I would like to go with more money next time.

just looking forward to vacation

Wed, 28 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

have not written in awhile; not sure what significant happened.

next week is week long vacation
Elias quit therapy
furniture
we got a haircut
decided to try to maintain weight for awhile
divorce happening - soonish??

that’s all i can think of right now - i’m tired so i don’t want to go into too much detail

we have so much in our lives to do

just looking forward to vacation, finally

sick and tired of myself

Sun, 04 Mar 2018 11:00:00 -0600

So sick & tired of myself, like, stupid bitch, do you ever stop & think about anyone but yourself? And you have the nerve to wonder why no one wants to be around you? Maybe its because yours a stupid selfish fucking bratty bitch? Ever think about that?

God I am so disgusted and disgusting lmao!! The day that I finally get the courage to off myself is the day that all of humanity recovers from whatever bullshit my life has put them through.

i deserve a damn medal

Sun, 25 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

’- 10% raise @ my job yay!

someone merged into me and scratched my car, boo
down to 195/broke plateau yay!
work party was talking about spanking and turned into group therapy, boo!

anyway, i have been super consistent w/ working out + i think i deserve a damn medal. i’ve been super consistent about journaling too actually. in fact i have been getting into a routine which feels as awesome as it does weird! it helps so much & i actually feel like my life is finally getting stable which is awesome & scary lol

sort sort sort

Mon, 19 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

organize. organize memory

here - emotion there - separate,

then forget - try to

forget - hope you don’t

remember - no sleep

rest mechanical robot

everything is the exact

same as much as it is

different - trauma

the same feelings about

rollerskating in the basement

while its dark as having a

gum pointed in our face

no feelings no gathering

no judging

sort

review delayed til next week

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

review delayed ‘til next week. raise heavily implied. feelin less anxious bout it now.

don’t want to talk about nothin else. feel like shit. what’s new.

Dear Universe, Can Tomorrow Be Over Already

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Dear Universe, can tomorrow just be over with already? Cranked my Anxiety Meds up to 1.5 as per the doctors orders and it couldn’t be happening on a better night because I’m so worried about the yearly review trauma date one-two punch tomorrow.

Today, however, was lovely. Spent the day with my wife and cooked chili in the Instant Pot. It turned out great. I did, however, accidentally spill water on my wireless headphones and shorted them out. Ah, well. Another one bites the dust.

nothing like being anxious for two months

Tue, 13 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

my back hurts. apparently we are starting this crazy strict workout plan, now that we are settled in. it’s probably a good thing to have something to focus our energy on.

We are going to have our yearly review in a few days, just wish we could get that over with lmao. nothing like being anxious for two months for essentially no reason.

honestly, i’m surprised we have kept up this journal streak for this long. Maybe we are becoming creatures of habit? lmao yeah right.

Stop Spinning Our Wheels

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I am going to try journaling again. This may be the only entry before a 50 month hiatus, but.

I really want to throw this old thing away. So many bad memories. But we can’t just throw away our bad memories. We have to embrace our past selves, however imperfect, and accept that they, too, were once a part of us.

Feb is here. Feb 15th will be my one year job anniversary. Go me! Well, go us, really. We have survived a year @ a job, a feat we have never accomplished before. And at age 27, it’s long overdue. I am anxious about the review and potential raise, but we will see what happens.

tired as always

Wed, 22 Nov 2017 11:00:00 -0600

elias worked close yesterday and open today so naturally i got barely any sleep. but i did manage to get the budget reorganized in a way that makes more sense. just going to take everything from the bank and get rid of the credit card nonsense because that's what got me into trouble in the first place.

Dear Future Self

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I am currently in the process of finding another therapist. I found one yesterday that is close and low cost, but it is at a church and seems to be Christian oriented. I was told that they would not push the Christian thing, but Elias is worried that they will anyway. So I told this place to wait a little and see if Elias' therapist comes up with any list of therapist names in the next week or two, and if not, we will just try this place.

I wish that you, reading this letter, could come around now and tell me what decisions to make. I also wish I could tell past me to not bother with that therapist, though. Ah well. Can't change the past nor the future, so just trying to make the best decisions possible at the current moment.

Really need to look into the money situation, though. I am reliably spending $400 a month in fun money, so maybe I should just budget for that much and be realistic with myself? I'll try that for December and see what happens, if I can still afford it at that point. Might not be able to if therapy comes into the picture. We'll see.

got my TDAP

Sun, 15 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

im so tired & i don't really remember what went on yesterday so i'm basically useless. all i can say is MY ARM HURTS! i'm glad that i only have to take a tetanus shot every 10 years bc ahhhh

public blog?

Wed, 04 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

therapy went fine. going to have to deal with Sem Month, i wish that she still didn't have such an affect on me. ah well. my thearpist wants me to write about my experiences and it's hard for me to do if i don't feel like i have an audience. maybe make a public blog? i am not certain. hmm. i'll think on it.

elias in the ER

Mon, 02 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

elias went to the ER on friday so i left work early. ended up having to pay $150 out of pocket for the ER charge

today i will get metformin. i hope that is doing something. i forgot to take my medication last night which is fun. i must have been really tired because set the alarm wrong (6:45 on a day that we have to work at 7 doesn't compute), stayed up too late, and didn't take my meds. oh well. i'll live without them for one day. working 7-2 today to go to the doc appointment at 2:30pm.

PCOS

Thu, 28 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

pcos was confirmed FINALLY. like i actually saw the results with my eyes, in front of me (even though the doc wasn't supposed to so now i have to act like i'm surprised whenever dr. joe contacts me and tells me it came back positive)

it's so dumb but i'm actually relieved? relieved that i have physical proof and relieved that it isn't something else mostly. now i can get on meds to manage it and hopefully move on with life. future self, are you on metformin and is it working well?? knowing my luck it causes me to spontaneously combust or something hahaha.

cooked some meatballs yesterday too, those were pretty bomb. a+ would cook again. probably going to try to cook the parmesan fries tonight (i almost wrote fires rip.)

sushi

Wed, 20 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

therapy was hard yesterday. i don't actually remember it but i think it's getting easier?? idk. had sushi last night to sort of Treat Myself iirc. and i made breakfast this morning. this is noteworthy bc i don't think i'll realistically ever make breakfast again lmao it's time consuming but so good. i went to the gym at lunch yesterday which i might do again today?? not sure. i'm not really properly dressed but it's still so refreshing. except a wasp almost attacked me yesterday :( ew i get all tingly just thinking abt it.

worried about therapy forever

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

worried abotu therapy tonight. worried about the COST of therapy. too expensive to be alive. don't want to do it anymore.

how many lives?

Sun, 04 Jun 2017 12:00:00 -0500

i wonder how many lives our presence has ruined?

i can blame the mother. she brought kids into this world, this fucked up world, and made it so much worse for us. she brought chaos into our household, she brought abuse and neglect and everything because of her own issues. she treated us like little adults who could take care of themselves, she cared only about herself. she lashed out at people too young to defend themselves. she hurt us beyond recognition.

i can blame the father. he tried his best in the beginning but then let us go to someone who hurt us. he knew intuitively that we were being hurt but he couldn't grow a spine, or get up off the couch. he couldn't do anything. he couldn't do anything until it was too late. he now refuses to take any responsibility in the situation and will likely die without much guilt.

but i can't help but think this is all our fault, all my fault. when i look in the mirror, i know it's really us to blame. all i see is this mangled reflection of broken hopes and dreams, a reflection of what could have been. i want to smash mirrors sometimes, i want to cut my knuckles open like we've only done once before and i want to see them battered and bruised just for the sake of it. but that's not going to take away everything we've done to others and everything we've done to ourselves.

how much are we like the mother and father? lashing out and letting our dysfunctions hurt and ruin the lives of people who aren't already dysfunctional. how many lives has our presence ruined? how many people were normal and fine until we came into their lives and caused the same whirlwind of storm and chaos that was brought upon us as a child? how do we learn to be more patient, more kind, and less willing to lash out at others? when do we learn to cut off the cycle and stop perpetuating this?

for most of us, the answer is never. when you look at the twists and turns of fate, you see that we will only keep pouring poison and acid on everything that we touch, corroding it down to the bone. maybe they can heal themselves afterwards. but they're always left with a chemical burn and the knowledge that we hurt them.

i just worry that we're in the same cycle with elias' system. they're not fragile like the others, but that doesn't mean we aren't poisoning them with our very presence. i am not sure. all i can hope is that when i meet my makers and they tally up the list of things that we've done to help and hurt people, the former side is better balanced. all i can hope is that our virtues outweigh our sins and whenever we are reborn, we are reborn into a life that isn't fated to hold so much pain and burden.

the struggles of this life will likely wipe away the possible struggles of the next so long as we do our best and continue with humility. still, it is tempting to end this one early and wipe the slate clean before any other negative things can happen.

however we'll keep existing, we'll keep surviving. that's all we know how to do. that's all we ever knew how to do. sometimes, i wish it wasn't.

Update

Tue, 18 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I am going to try to keep this thing updated. I doubt I will ever get a chance to do so, but.

I don't even know where to start. I'm working at a vacations agency in Houston, TX now as an Online Editorial Assistant. That's fancy-speak for "I do data entry/computer stuff/write for a living." It's the highest paying job I've ever had, and it's the most free income I've ever had as well. I'm well budgeted for the first time in my adult life, I'm living in my own apartment (with my partner) and life is good in general.

That being said, tackling trauma has been... a task. With the host finally knowing about the DID, it has been a tough thing in general. Trying to exhaust all options before the host starts getting into having to deal with the trauma, but. There is only so much I can do, truthfully.

I don't know if anyone will read this. The idea that someone might, though, is what keeps me writing. Even if it is friends only, aha. I would write more, but. I really need to put the body to rest to actually get some sleep for work tomorrow. Today has been quite a day, and I don't want to exhaust myself beyond what I'm already going to be as it is.

YNAB Is Saving Our Asses

Fri, 29 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

Therapy is going well. Need to talk to therapist about new alter. She is making life incredibly difficult by not eating anything but shakes and nuts.

Got a multivitamin to try to make up for it. Spending is slightly less erratic with a schedule, but still not to any sort of state where we have any savings.

We did, however, open up a savings account to throw any extra money into. It’s becoming vitally important to save, particularly when LMC is being dumb and greedy.

host didn't kill us

Tue, 19 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

host didn’t kill us thank god.

aint really much to say outside of that.

shit is tiring and i’m tired. i haven’t slept in a minute

rescheduled therapy for next monday.

dad got $0.75 an hour raise so i got a huge steak

fixin external shit.

spouse issues have been resolved or at least brought up to them.

shit is hitting the fan

Thu, 14 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

hey yall, been awhile since i got a chance to update this thing. only really doing it now cuz i dont got nothing else to do and shit needs to be said.

therapy went fine just basic questions tho i got the feeling shit is gonna get real ugly real fast.

spouse has new job so money should be less tight…

system wise shit is hitting the fan faster than a frog on a log or some shit. gatekeeper dealing with new memories + all of us are having a hard time adjusting still.

escape dream

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:00:00 -0500

i had another weird dream last night. i can't really remember a lot of it though. i remember my brother and i were in a gym, and we were trying to escape the house? i have a lot of dreams about trying to escape houses and stuff. it was like some sort of fun house, and we were just pretending to play along so we could find a chance to run away. that's all i remember, really.

i woke up at like 5am remembering it really clearly thinking "i should write this down before i forget!" but i didn't have a pen and paper next to my bed so i just went back to sleep.

Microblogs - January 2012

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:00:00 -0600

2012-01-30, 10:31 PM: fuck it, i'm deleting my plurk. anyone need my contact info?

2012-01-26, 6:56 AM: i think i'm finally ready to start rping on lj again. like everyone moved on though

2012-01-20, 12:19 PM: also i should update and say i'm moving out on my own this weekend.

2012-01-16, 2:30 PM: i feel like i'm in a really bad dream. i can't believe she's gone

2012-01-16, 1:33 PM: i wake up to "amanda might lose her job" thank you, work. i appreciate it.

2012-01-16, 2:41 AM: i guess i'm gonna try to sleep. fuck.

2012-01-16, 12:40 AM: well, my grandma passed. i guess the mourning can officially begin.

2012-01-13, 11:51 AM: My grandma is dying. I won't even be touching lj rp for a little while. Sorry. she was fine a week ago...

2012-01-04, 8:28 PM: hey i figured i'd invite everyone to my stream for once

2012-01-04, 11:36 PM: tumblr rp is gr8 ok guys. why do some ljers feel the need to snub it. i've met some really amazing rpers on there

Microblogs - September 2011

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 12:00:00 -0500

2011-09-30 8:20 PM: I regret putting off buying homestuck shirts. My size is fucking out of stock on all my favorite characters.

2011-09-30 6:12 AM: [Meridian] my friend just suggested I app Ursela from Little Mermaid

2011-09-29 6:19 PM: ugh the new MM members. no sara? i'm gonna choke a bitch

2011-09-28 3:02 PM: Only about fifteen days until my 3rd plurk birthday.

2011-09-28 1:11 PM: >mfw next HTML project due is tables

2011-09-28 7:52 AM: I awakennnn. Morning Musume new members are announced today sdlgklskgdkgc

2011-09-27 11:04 PM: I have my app done for Hannibal but now I'm reconsidering a little. Worried about being smart enough to play him, etc. Maybe I should just finish a bunch of apps and sit on it for a week and see which characters still stick out to me.

2011-09-26 11:25 AM: That feel when professor tries to be socially active but just fails. At least he's trying..muh.

2011-09-26 8:57 AM: Body could probably stand to sleep more than 3 hours a night. Oh well, I'm here now. Also tired nate is not give a fuck nate, which means all social anxiety is gone which is kinda nice

2011-09-25 12:10 PM: quick tag and then nap is becoming actual sleep. cannot live on only a few hours :9 Well maybe if I just got out of bed and got the blood flowing..

2011-09-24 4:03 PM: Ugh, so much for a "short nap". 7 hours later...

2011-09-24 8:33 AM: night guys. gonna set my alarm for early so i'm just taking a short nap

2011-09-24 2:59 AM: Okay so homestuck remix makin time. yay :9

2011-09-23 9:54 PM: Gamzee uses punctuation? This is totally new information to me

2011-09-23 10:17 AM: okay bedtime for real guys. nighty night! :9

2011-09-23 9:53 AM: Not in bed yet. working on a project yo! My dad just came in and asked if I was trying to break a record of awakeness. lmao.

2011-09-22 10:16 PM: apparently my girlfriend's building is on fire, fuck. I don't like seeing "brb fire" in my IM :| okay good it was a false alarm, whew

2011-09-22 10:13 PM: backkkkk. I know you all missed me.

2011-09-22 6:34 PM: dinnertime, be back soon :9

2011-09-21 2:46 PM: oh my god i am becoming a homestuck super fan. i should um. look at my life, look at my choices. I'm already far adrift from regular social norms though.

2011-09-19 11:56 PM: what does 'plurk' mean anyway. it sounds like someone trying way too hard to come up with a social networking name. that's probably what it was

2011-09-19 10:56 PM: i still don't know how this thing works well w-e

2011-09-19 03:50 AM: do people actually use this thing anymore jw

Some H!P Confessions

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 12:00:00 -0500

Out of all the people that have ever been in Morning Musume (not counting JunLin), Tsuji was the most useless. She was just dead weight: she wasn't really talented or cute and only seemed to get any attention because of Kago.

I think they should have put Matsuura Aya in Momusu rather than Fujimoto Miki. Miki never seemed to really enjoy her career in MM... I think she was spoiled by being a soloist first. Fujimoto always seemed to be an ungrateful brat to me, and even though she was one of the best singers MM ever had, she didn't ever show any signs of enjoying herself. Conversely, Matsuura seemed like she would have enjoyed herself a lot in Momusu.

Yossie has lost too much weight. When she first joined, I really liked her. But somewhere along the line, she got in her head that she was "fat", and lost so much weight that she looks like a skeleton. It saddens me to see Gaki going this route lately, too.

Why is everyone going crazy about Miyamoto Karin? She isn't that great.

I think that UFA should stop worrying about finding "Maki Goto Version 2" and start worrying about creating a well rounded group.

Maji Desu Ka Ska musically sucked, but had good line distribution. Only You musically rocked, but had shitty line distribution. Why does Tsunku seem to think that only Reina/Takahashi and MAYBE a little Riho (with a bone thrown to Gaki) can handle 'cool' songs?

I usually hate people who try to 'pair up'/make everyone in H!P lesbians. But statistically, there's a great likelihood that at least a few girls are lesbians... And it seems as if Sayu is. I don't know whether it's a new 'character' she's trying out, but she's been creeping on 9th gen (Riho in particular) ever since they joined... Honestly speaking, it seems a lot more realistic than most of the fabricated implied lesbian relationships in H!P (Matsuura and Fujimoto pops to mind).

I think UFA made a mistake in naming Dream Morning Musume. Would you rather watch ~*~*Dream*~*~ Morning Musume, or boring old vanilla REGULAR Morning Musume? I'm also kind of tired of UFA trying to cash in on nostalgia. But that's a whole different rant.

I didn't start REALLY paying attention to the kids until 2009. I've been a fan since 2002, so I watched as they joined... And were given horrible songs. The first time I noticed them was while watching a Pucchi Best dvd that had recently come out. It had 21ji made no Cinderella on it. I was bored to tears and automatically brushed off the rest of the kids until I started casually following them in 2007 when Tokaikko Junjou came out. I regret not paying attention to them earlier; I missed them growing up because I was too busy being a stubborn ~Morning Musume purist~.

Maki Goto couldn't even begin to grasp the intricacies of "Akai Nikkichou". When they did the shuffle special, it showed her struggling with the tenderness of the song at such a young age. She sang it poorly, and Tsunku chided her-- but the recorded version sounds no different than after he chided her! Proof that she only had the most lines because she was popular.

I feel like there is SO MUCH HATRED in the H!P fandom, and 80% of it is caused by the foreign teenage girls.

Microblogs - September 2009

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-09-30 2:49 AM: seriously need to get out of this house and dad's "because I'm 40, I'm superior to you" thoughts.

2009-09-27 10:49 PM: what the heck flag

2009-09-26 11:00 PM: it's officially the day cliff died. 23 years. RIP ;~;

2009-09-26 10:20 PM: project runway owns

2009-09-25 10:27 PM: good to hear your voice again flag~

2009-09-25 3:21 AM: a lot of things happened today, so I'm gonna go sleep and try to wind down a little bit.

2009-09-24 1:34 AM: Yup. I officially don't give a fuck anymore.

2009-09-16 2:55 PM: the person that was supposed to be getting a hold of me "like, totally didn't have any time this week!" what bs.

2009-09-15 11:56 AM: yay yay diet breakthrough

2009-09-14 9:07 AM: dreams where you know you're in a dream are weird

2009-09-13 10:01 PM: everyone tonight... sigh

2009-09-13 5:02 PM: throat is feeling a bit better

2009-09-12 11:43 PM: also everyone started naming their little girls isabella lately. fucking twilight. enjoy having to be called by your last initial, ladies

2009-09-12 1:14 AM: i talked to an old friend again <3

2009-09-11 10:39 PM: september 11th means tons of specials about 9/11 on the history channel

2009-09-11 10:11 PM: there's a reason why i don't bother socializing.

2009-09-07 12:01 AM: poor flag////

2009-09-05 2:53 PM: going to go on xbox and re-download some stuff, i'll be back online in a half hour or so

2009-09-05 10:45 AM: slept well

2009-09-03 7:32 PM: diet start~

2009-09-02 3:43 PM: steve got a job orz

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: right bedtime now

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: need to go to bed soon, if i stay up all night steve gets on in the morning and clack-clacks on the keyboard .__.

2009-09-01: playing online bingo, which is strangely addictive

Microblogs - August 2009

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-08-31 11:03 PM: september first. how time flies~

2009-08-31 9:52 PM: girls outside. screaming. what.

2009-08-31 5:20 PM: awake hurray (also, i need to make a list of things to buy in the future)

2009-08-31 5:47 AM: tired of being banned on lunchtimers for no good reason

2009-08-30 4:00 AM: creeped out when people on lj friends list give full detail on their sex lives

2009-08-28 10:24 AM: i wonder how people can find plurk to be 'addictive'

2009-08-25 8:45 PM: sick ;~;

2009-08-23 8:16 PM: should update more often whoops

2009-08-16 3:45 PM: god damn

2009-08-14 11:16 AM: noon, so that's bed time for me

2009-08-03 5:28 PM: happy birthday james hetfield!

So hot.

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0500

For some reason, it's so hot. I'm sweating horribly.

I watched a few animes today. I've always said anime is super homo so I've been trying to prove myself wrong. I began watching Seto no Hanayome and watched through all of Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo. The latter was pretty good but I was horribly disappointed in the ending... I hate it when that happens. That happened with Watchmen too-- the entire movie was awesome then it just shot itself in the foot at the end...

Also, I can't help but think everyone was mad at me today. Everyone I talked to seemed cold and I'm not sure why. I must have inadvertently done something wrong or more likely, it's all in my mind and nothing was wrong at all.

Oh well. I'm gonna go try to get some sleep because I feel sick.

Microblogs - July 2009

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-07-30 3:48 PM: my legs. they hurt ;~;

2009-07-27 12:35 AM: self-consciousness brought on by crippling inadequacy +1

2009-07-26 12:15 AM: i am sleepy-chan

2009-07-22 4:05 AM: maybe join another rpg in the morning, bedtime now though

2009-07-21 4:30 AM: also i need to make a friends only banner (bedtime for real now)

2009-07-21 4:16 AM: bedtime. i have such a wacky sleep schedule. also note to self, download dave chappelle's stand-up "killing them softly"

2009-07-20 3:37 AM: tired bro, bedtime

DDR

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I went out to eat with Steve and Jimmy todayyyy. Steve paid for it because he's a sweetie. He's so selfless; he's the type of person that spends all his check on other people. I really need to get a job to pay him back.

Anyway, we went to Steak and Shake. I had sweet tea and a bacon/chedder burger. I didn't have a shake because we were each supposed to only spend $10. My meal ended up being $8 or something?

Then we went to the mall and went to the arcade. I played DDR for at least 45 minutes, which is actually a lot for fatty-chans like myself. I think I worked off that burger. Then I played Deal or No Deal a few times and had like... 400 tickets? I spent 150 or something and Steve accidentally kept the tickets in his pocket, and when we were walking back to the car, I gave them to three little boys because I wasn't going to use them myself anyway. Steve said I was so generous, and I said I was like the ticket Mother Theresa or somethin'.

Anyway, I played DDR with a very nice girl. She was almost as good as me, but I beat her every song except the last one, because by that time, fatty-chan was very tired. I should have got her AIM or something, it would have been nice to make friends with her but meh. I posted a "missed connections" ad on craigslist for the lulz, and if I don't hear from her, that's fine.

loli_secret

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Today I left the lolita secret community simply because 75% of the posts are trolls.

I’m tired of hearing the same thing week after week:
+ Fatty-chans are omg so not loli guyz.
+ Clones are clones, what happened to originality!???!1
+ Loli-chans are MEAAAAAN. No wonder we have such a reputation!!!!!!!!!

etc, etc, etc.

I like reading the actual secrets and not the trolls, but it’s not worth wading through to find one good secret, tbh.

ETA: Also, I think I got stabbed on the ass in my sleep last night by an unidentified object. There’s a hole on the ass-covering part of my underwear and a small bloodstain where the hole is. Wtf D:

How to be a True Friend™

Fri, 15 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Pick up your friend at midnight when they say they need to be checked into a hospital or they'll kill themselves. Proceed to attempt to talk them out of it. They will continue to somewhat insist that they need medical attention, but refuse to be completely firm on the matter because they're afraid to 'burden' others. This will give you minor hope that you can go home without an incident. No such luck. You will give in after talking to them in the hospital parking lot for a half hour.

Subsequently, you will stay by their side for the six hour wait, one which has absolutely no entertainment except a blank wall. During this six hour wait, said friend will fall asleep because said friend has a bed to sleep on. But not you, True Friend™. You have but only your trusty plastic blue chair from hell, one that would give even the most fit of men a backache for weeks. You may manage to doze off once for ten minutes, but besides that, do not expect much! Your greatest accomplishment of the night will undoubtedly be finally remembering all the words to Master of Puppets.

An exhausted psychiatrist, an old guy whose only qualification seems to be 'being old', and a snobby nurse will all ask your friend the same generic questions, and she will give the same vague, avoidant answers, making you wonder why exactly you bothered in the first place. Ultimately, a psychiatrist will deem her mentally stable (if not completely apathetic) and give her the number to the local psyche ward to schedule an appointment, promptly sending her (and you) home.

But do not think of this as six hours wasted, True Friend™. Think of it as an excuse to get your sleep schedule back into nocturnal. And hey, I bet you've never appreciated a comfortable bed like you do right now!

PROTIP: Try to forget about the fact that the reason she was driven to near-suicide was the fact that her Craigslist Boyfriend broke up with her. The epic rage will eventually melt into sweet, sweet bitterness.

Microblogs - February 2009

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 11:00:00 -0600

2009-02-27 5:26 PM: i'm the rp god lolol

2009-02-25 12:16 AM: i need AFFECTION

2009-02-24 9:12 AM: i hate the color brownnn. [also ugh going to temp services today]

2009-02-22 10:02 PM: i love cake;

2009-02-21 6:55 PM: some shitty nick song stuck in my head

2009-02-17 4:57 PM: sharing a link to the naichau kamo single wooo;;

2009-02-15 7:23 PM: i want out of here

2009-02-13 6:50 PM: what the shit is a "plurk" anyway.

2009-02-12 12:13 AM: family is crazy;;

2009-02-10 10:01 PM: fuck everyone, srsly

2009-02-09 4:48 AM: bedtime now

2009-02-07 9:41 PM: hungryyyy

2009-02-06 11:17 PM: splurged and spent $40, so I better get the job✩

2009-02-06 6:10 AM: going to bed now~~

2009-02-01 6:40 AM: just now getting to sleep... jeez

The entry where I ramble on about crazy conspiracy theories

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0500

Every person who is a fan of H!P has their own crazy conspiracy theories. It’s impossible to be a fan without thinking that there’s something going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about. A big example of a recent one is “What happened to Goto? She just quit? She HAD to have motives. Maybe she wasn’t happy with the management. Maybe it was because of her brother. Maybe it was because she had a man.” Everyone has their own idea of why Goto quit, and theories about her coming back as well. Another big one I can think of is “Where is Aibon now and did she purposely sabotage her way out of H!P?”

But I’m not here to talk about those. I couldn’t care less to talk about those. This is the person in question for today:

Miki Fujimoto. She’s a very cunning woman, and I’d like to say I think she’s too cunning. I think she had a plan to get her solo career back this entire time.

Imagine being a young teenage girl who has a passion for singing and wants to break into the market (I know, hard to imagine, but bare with me). You’re pretty desperate. You notice that Morning Musume is having an audition very soon. So, you practice your favorite song over and over, and the day comes where you must audition. You do your best, but they don’t call you back for some time.

You’re understandably pretty depressed. Until one day, they call you back and tell you they want you to be a soloist! You’re psyched. You couldn’t ask for anything better. You give your 100% in every song, and get used to being a soloist. You put out a few singles, maybe an album, and catch on to the business very well. You’re on top of the world.

One day, Tsunku calls you and says he needs to have a meeting with you. He tells you that he thinks it would be a good idea right now for you to join Morning Musume. But… had you not been good enough to be a soloist?
You’re understandably pretty pissed off. But you know that if you don’t accept his offer, you’ll be fired. Although it’s taking a step back, you think this will only be temporary and will do better for your career in the long run. Tsunku knows best, right?

A year passes. Another year passes. 4 or 5 years have passed and it’s becoming glaringly obvious that Tsunku never meant for this to be a “temporary thing”. You start to formulate a plan. Tsunku put you in a group with your best friend and you want to join that permanently and quit Morning Musume. You wait it out, make sure that this group is going to be a permanent thing, and then, you make your move.

You call up a couple of paparazzi and make sure that everyone will see you with your boyfriend. When the news comes out in the papers, you act surprised and quickly resign. You know that H!P needs you, so this plan cannot fail.

You wait it out. Finally, Tsunku says that he wants you back in Hello!Project. He does you one better than your best-friend-duo. He offers you your solo career back! Great! Your plan has worked. Happily ever after.

Now, I would have nothing against Fujimoto doing this. The only thing that pisses me off is the exact same thing happened to Yaguchi, and we have yet to see anything but Uta Doki and a few MC performances from her. Definitely no single, definitely no album. Why the hell is Yaguchi being shafted while Fujimoto is being rewarded? Oh well. Tsunku’s mind works in mysterious (and sometimes faulty) ways. I guess there was just no demand for Yagucchan. ;__;

I'm sorry, Dad.

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Today, I made my Dad cry.

It felt horrible and was unintentional. I apologized but he said it wasn't my fault.

It was because I said I have no female role models, which is the truth.

I was really upset at my gramma and started crying because she was talking behind my back. Dad started the whole "it's just your gramma, that's just the way she is" spiel before he realized it was because I wanted a female role model and she was the last one left, and turns out she's a backtalking traitor too.

He started crying because he said that I can always go to his family but he realized I wasn't close enough to any of them to go to them. He thinks that he's the one that caused this, and it's not true. And it makes me cry just thinking about him blame himself. It is not his fault at all.

I wouldn't mind going to those family members if I knew them better, but I always didn't want to go. I have a hard time making new friends and to me, my family is new friends because I haven't been around them for a long time. To me, they are random people who I can't really trust, besides my gramma who talks about me behind my back.

Also, for the first time in my life, I mentioned to him "someone that I like online and have been talking to for 7 or 8 months". So now he knows, and I figure that has something to do with it too. I think he's not stupid and since I also mentioned "makeup and boys" as a couple of things I want to talk to a female role model about, and mentioned the whole "Go out with Danny" ordeal, I really do think he understands because he can put two and two together.

Another thing I think he's upset about is the way that she treats me is the same way she treated mom. He even said to me, "Yeah, she used to be that way about me and your mom. Whenever your mom would be mad at me, she'd go to her and your gramma would start naming off new people to go to."

God. . . I feel horrible for making him feel that way. But at least, now, everything is out in the open. I will be able to sleep well for the first night in a very long time.

maximus

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

blah about Maximus

(9:12:51 PM) me: i still think it's dispicable that you would make a new room to get maximus away
(9:13:10 PM) Matt: okay
(9:13:27 PM) Matt: not when everyone in the entire room doesnt like him
(9:13:33 PM) Matt: and only you do
(9:13:37 PM) me: Whatever.
(9:13:40 PM) Matt: and you're not even playing
(9:13:42 PM) me: This is why I fucking disadd you, this is why you annoy me.
(9:13:46 PM) me: It's fucking bullying.
(9:13:48 PM) me: It doesn't matter.
(9:13:52 PM) me: There's no reason not to LIKE him.
(9:13:56 PM) me: He hasn't done a god damned thing to ANYONE.
(9:13:58 PM) me: AND YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT.
(9:14:12 PM) Matt: loook
(9:14:13 PM) me: What, he happens to have a higher pitched voice than everyone? is that it?
(9:14:19 PM) me: All he's ever been is fucking NICE
(9:14:26 PM) Matt: to you
(9:14:29 PM) Matt: and only you
(9:14:30 PM) me: And all you fucking people think it's COOL FUN ETC to make FUN of him
(9:14:35 PM) me: He's never done nayhting to you guys!
(9:14:35 PM) Matt: amber amber amber
(9:14:37 PM) me: He's a fucking KID
(9:14:38 PM) me: HE IS A KID
(9:14:44 PM) me: HE'S NICE TO ME BECAUSE IM NICE TO HIM!
(9:14:50 PM) me: You guys are needlessly rude, nasty, etc with him!
(9:14:50 PM) Matt: okay
(9:14:55 PM) me: "maximus is a fag"
(9:14:57 PM) me: "maximus is annoying"
(9:14:58 PM) me: etc
(9:15:09 PM) me: he hasn't done ANYTHING and he couldn't fucking hurt a fly because he's a KID and actually rather innocent
(9:15:33 PM) Matt: okay
(9:15:35 PM) Matt: yea
(9:15:41 PM) me: Yeah, so why the fuck exclude him?
(9:15:42 PM) me: Oh yeah.
(9:15:44 PM) me: Because it's COOL.
(9:15:48 PM) me: Because it's cool to pick on maximus!
(9:15:54 PM) me: It's cool to bully the little kid! Yeah, that's real fucking manly.
(9:16:07 PM) me: Bully someone three years younger than you. That's the way to get the ladies and respect!
(9:16:22 PM) me: Amirite?
(9:16:32 PM) me: It's immature, it's fucking rude, and it's unnecessary.
(9:16:38 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:40 PM) Matt: sure
(9:16:47 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:54 PM) me: He gets enough of that at school.
(9:17:01 PM) me: Gets fucking picked on, pushed around because he's smaller than everone.
(9:17:27 PM) me: He doesn't need to come onto fucking Xbox live and feel excluded because a fucking bunch of boys who just hit puberty decided it was a cool thing to pick on someone three years younger than them.
(9:17:49 PM) me: Mainly AJ, which is why I don't fucking like him. There's no reason for him to be mean to Max and he's really the one who started it.
(9:18:02 PM) Matt: no max is
(9:18:11 PM) me: Max didn't do shit and you fucking know it.
(9:18:24 PM) Matt: max lied
(9:18:26 PM) me: He talks shit sometimes. Fucking tell him off and be done with it.
(9:18:30 PM) Matt: about activing
(9:18:38 PM) me: Don't antagonize him.
(9:18:59 PM) me: There's something dispicable and deplorable about antagonizing anyone let alone someone who lacks the proper maturity and age to deal with that kind of shit!
(9:19:14 PM) me: Though I truly doubt all of your maturity at this poitn.
(9:19:15 PM) me: ^*point
(9:19:39 PM) Matt: okay
(9:20:05 PM) me: This is why I don't play gears.
(9:20:10 PM) me: You ask, WHY DONT YOU PLAY GEARS ANYMORE ZOMG
(9:20:21 PM) me: It's because of this stupid BULLSHIT that you and the others CONSTANTLY PULL whenever Max and you guys get together!
(9:20:54 PM) me: max is nice to me because i'm nice to him. I'm sure max would be nice to aj, steve, etc if they were nice to him but they lack the ability to be nice because they're fucking assholes.
(9:21:12 PM) me: They'll do anything for a laugh including harrassing someone.
(9:21:18 PM) me: I just thought you were above that shit.
(9:22:03 PM) Matt: i am
(9:22:14 PM) Matt: you know im a nice person
(9:22:20 PM) Matt: you know that
(9:22:21 PM) me: I know you are. So I don't know why you do this I HATE MAX
(9:22:24 PM) me: MAX IS A FUCK
(9:22:25 PM) me: stuff.
(9:23:18 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:23:24 PM) Matt: he is annoying
(9:23:40 PM) me: He's annoying. But he doesn't do it intentionally and that shouldn't cause hatred.
(9:23:53 PM) me: And even if you do hate him, you should ust keep it to yourself because he didn't really do anything wrong.
(9:24:35 PM) me: And it's not like you're superbad about it like aj and steve are.
(9:24:50 PM) Matt: what do you mean by that
(9:24:51 PM) Matt: ?
(9:24:57 PM) me: AJ and Steve are like
(9:25:05 PM) me: "Lol maximus, or should I say FAGISMUS"
(9:25:09 PM) me: when he hadn't said anything for a really long time
(9:25:21 PM) me: and it was pissing me off. maximus wasn't doing anything, wasn't replying
(9:25:42 PM) me: and they were continually antagonizing him every time at the dead zone
(9:25:44 PM) me: for NO APPARENT REASON
(9:25:48 PM) me: and he continued to not reply, kept quiet etc
(9:25:54 PM) me: Doesn't that fucking make you feel sad?
(9:26:50 PM) me: frankly I muted them all because it's that kind of bully mob mentality that I absolutely HATE in a person
(9:27:45 PM) me: why the hell is a 16, 17, and 19 year old ganging up on a 13 year old?
(9:27:52 PM) me: for the laughs?
(9:27:55 PM) me: that's WRONG
(9:27:57 PM) me: anyway you look at it
(9:28:09 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:28:46 PM) me: I can't hate steve because he's my brother
(9:28:48 PM) me: but I do hate AJ for it
(9:28:54 PM) me: and hate is a word I use rarely and honestly mean it
(9:29:25 PM) me: AJ is alwyas about "being cool" and "keepin it real" but I find nothing "cool" about harrassing a kid that age.

the conversation basically ended there...
i got tired... i'm gonna go to bed soon...

happy halloween

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I won’t be doing anything for Halloween but I just wanted to wish everyone a good one!
Now sleepy time for me.

teh daily ritual

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Hopefully my daily ritual September 2007+:

8:00am through 4:00pm - School
8:00am to 9:00am - Gym
9:05am to 10:05am - English 12
10:10am to 11:10am - Current Events
11:15am to 12:00pm - Lunch
12:00pm to 4:00pm - Computer Networking
4:00pm through 7:00pm - Sleep (nap)
7:00pm through 8:00pm - Gears of War
8:00pm through 10:00pm - TCG stuff
10:00pm through 1:00am - Maple Story
1:00am through 2:00am - Ragnarok
2:00am through 7:00am - Sleep

Not much to update with, but something interesting I guess :)

Writing Prompts

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to start using writing prompts again because I fail hardcore at updating if I don't. I'm using the prompts from the first page I got from googling: this one. I'll try to update daily, which should last me awhile. I refuse to do stupid ones though, like "WHAT IF THE COWS GAVE ROOTBEER INSTEAD LULS."

First prompt: "What is something you dislike about yourself?"

The #1 thing would have to be my lack of friends and the REASON I lack friends. I know perfectly well why I lack friends, I've attempted to change it, and I can't. This is just the way I am. (I started thinking about this when I was talking to Matt about it the other day.)

The only reason I lack friends is the plain and simple fact that I am bipolar. If all you out there in LJ land don't know what bipolar is I suggest you read the Wikipedia article but here's the condensed version: people who are bipolar go through "stages" of moods. I'll paraphrase.

Stage I: "Depressive phase" (aka "Bad Days"): Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, shyness, chronic pain (with or without a known cause)*, lack of motivation

* most of the time the chronic pain is in my stomach, I'll feel weak to my stomach for no apparent reason

Stage II: "Mania" (aka "Really Good Days"): Rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, increased interest in goal-directed activities, more severe version of Stage III

Stage III: "Hypomania" (aka "Good Days"): An uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny, 'artistic' state, flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, obsessional behavior, ability to improvise easily on the spot, increase in subconscious movement*, excessive sexual activity, increased self-esteem, being more talkative than usual or feeling pressure from within the thought process to keep talking (i.e., cannot stop until the story is done)

* usually biting my nails

Stage IV: "Mixed State" (aka "Really Bad Days"): A condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously. Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted.

When I'm in a Stage VI mood, I will snap at people randomly, feel guilty later, cry randomly, snap again, have hot flashes because of random anxiety, etc. That's just the way I am and hell if I'll take medication to stop it. Also, if you're curious, today is a Stage III for me. Yesterday was Stage II.

Why the point of this? To explain why I don't have friends, naturally: when someone catches me in a bad mood, I go OFF on them. Normally what happens...

1) I get pissed off because of some small little minuscule thing that others wouldn't even notice.
2) Go off on my current target. It may not have been who caused it, most likely it's one of my really good friends, usually I bitch about it to them but occasionally my "target" is a friend that I don't really consider to be really a good friend, but because they caused the problem I go off on them.
3) Anger lasts 10 minutes, but in those 10 minutes I say something EXTREMELY stupid. Because I'm prideful I refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that I did anything wrong.
4) Somewhat-good-friend either takes this and understands how I am (becoming a good friend) or stops talking to me so often, and stops being my friend.

Believe it or not, 96% of people land in the last group, the people who know I'll do it again and prefer not to be stressed out by my bitchiness. The only two people that I know who have really been able to "accept" that I do this is Matt and Amanda. Dale is not one of those people because whenever I get angry I deliberately direct it away from him, because I'm afraid that if I do that too often he'll stop liking me.

The people who are my really good friends have learned that I do this and can get past it anyway. And I'm glad that they can, because this is my major flaw and what keeps people away from me. That and the fact that I'm a "loner"-- I genuinely prefer my own company and rarely talk to anyone (usually it's others talking to me, and usually it's unwelcome, at least at school).

Matt said the reason he doesn't mind it is because he knows I'm not that way all the time, and that I can be awesome when I'm not angry or sad. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..

[edit] My brother just got a leopard gecko and sent me a frantic message to help him on xbox because he thinks his gecko is sick. I gave him all the tips I could and he's still worried, and it makes me really heartsick and almost makes me wanna cry because he's so worried about it. He even has a little coconut for the gecko to go in when he has to shed. He's been really considering hard a gecko and researched it, and I am going to be really pissed/sad if the gecko is sick. I'll probably cry, hell, I almost am right now.

KANSAS AT VENETIAN

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I need to convince my dad to shell out the money for lawn seating!!

Kansas will be playing at the Shadowland Pavilion @ 9:00pm on Saturday, July 21.

I can't wait to go!

In other news, my brother's birthday is on the 23rd and I haven't decided what to get him.

Uh.. I'll update more in depth later. Right now I'm dead tired. Night~

(PS: for anyone who cares, maddox updated.)

Stress

Thu, 31 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Today was very very stressful and tiring to me.

Early this morning around 2 am I left because Dale and Amanda were annoying the hell out of me and upsetting me for laughing at me about lag. LAG! So I just said I was leaving, and left. Apparently Dale was only able to sleep a few hours because of it and I felt really bad, and we'd both put it behind us.

Then I decide I'm going to make up my hour that I owe after school. When I had to make up an hour, I only ended up making up forty minutes and she let us go early. Huzzah.

Almost immediately after that, I got called by my friends to go out for ice cream-- "my treat" said Lydia. We went to Dairy Queen; I got some chocolate strawberry thing that I didn't really like too much but it was good nonetheless. Afterwards we came back to my house and played a little Guitar Hero II and Gears of War before they had to leave. (See pictures at the end of the entry)

That's what got me started on Gears. Today was different than other days, on normal days I would neglect to get on Gears and just go right to Ragnarok Online. But today, I was on Gears: Dale said he had a friend coming over anyway and I wanted to play with them because I'd feel lonely if I was playing RO by myself. Okay, that was fine for a little while.

Until people started getting bitchy.

People were being generally jerk offs. And then Shep mutes me for no apparent reason, along with Valentine and "all the other 'only's except Moaozis, Dale, David, and Sam". What the fuck? Well, I muted him, blocked communications, removed him from my friends list and he's no longer allowed in my games. Fuck that. I don't really give second chances.

And then to top it all off Mom got all drunk and started calling about child support again. I'm not going into it, but the good part is Steve will be visiting Gramma's soon and will bring along Guitar Hero II controller so perhaps we can get some achievements together. Blahhh. (I also spoiled myself by buying Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for the Xbox 360 arcade. I'm planning on playing it with Steve tomorrow-- he said he wasn't getting back online because of the drama, and I don't blame him.)

All in all, the day wasn't "good" or "bad". It was just "tiring". Thus, after I'm done uploading this pictures I shall sleep.

Fuckers.

(the pictures are all around ~1.5.mb and 1000px wide, make sure your computer can handle it)

I want to complain...

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 12:00:00 -0500

I thought it was time for a bitchy entry. So here goes.

Makai refuses to stay over at my house overnight.
30mb video is taking AGES to download, even though I'm getting about 50 kbps internet connection.
Audioscrobbler has been down for a week now.
I want to make brilliant graphics and websites.
I can't join choir again until January of this year.
I get marked down for sleeping in class.
This layout looks funny in lower resolutions, the boxes box up.
I'm fucking freezing.
I have to pick up after Makai's mess.
Danny and Caleb are coming over.
I'm hungry, there's tons of food, and I'm just too lazy to get up.

4 day vacation

Mon, 03 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

Coming to school after a 4 day vacation was amazing. Everyone was surprised to see me.

"Knowledge is like baths. Only comes once a year." -Steve imitating Chris. That was funny. Since my dad brings Josh back and forth to school we were all laughing about it. He also said "Same shirt, different day".

I was tired today.

Well everyone loved the FFX-2 pictures. They took them and now they want more xD

Well I'll write more later (when I think of it!)

Next update I'll install the kewlerific icon ~ it's going to be my default. It has Paine on it.

See yahz

Mental Health on needing.space

second day at job thoughts

chaos

depression and isolation

still here

I quit Dominos

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

TMS is kicking my ass

mostly just tired​

not forgotten about this

trying to figure my life out

will i ever be okay

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

this journal

something big negative is about to happen

I'll Just Become The Host

extrovert's hell of my own making

already feels weird w/o smartphone

Just A Couple More Seconds

will i ever feel like i am enough

dont feel like its worth the fight

i'm so exhausteddd

depression

work

sleep

finances

therapy

something something therapy

i can't remember shit

new house done!

my ADHD hates me.

mmmm

food

living out of the car

i need a break

blahhhhh

weight talk

i want an ipad

lazy as shit at work

fewer nightmares and way fewer mistakes

very sleepy sunday

criminal minds finally finished

getting used to this new found energy

work was productive today

Happy Birthday 32

excuse to use my stickers

Tomorrow Is A New Day

not in the spooky torture house

Grateful To Be Alive

no more tiny fridge hell

treatment

tired

Long Time No Write

just looking forward to vacation

sick and tired of myself

i deserve a damn medal

sort sort sort

review delayed til next week

Dear Universe, Can Tomorrow Be Over Already

nothing like being anxious for two months

Stop Spinning Our Wheels

tired as always

Dear Future Self

got my TDAP

public blog?

elias in the ER

PCOS

sushi

worried about therapy forever

how many lives?

Update

YNAB Is Saving Our Asses

host didn't kill us

shit is hitting the fan

escape dream

Microblogs - January 2012

Microblogs - September 2011

Some H!P Confessions

Microblogs - September 2009

Microblogs - August 2009

mostly just tired