Moving on needing.space

second day at job thoughts

Tue, 13 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

I'm starting to think the nurse thing is an age issue. the younger nurses seem to be little jerks and the older nurses seem to have enough wisdom to not be little jerks. but yeah lots of "them being little jerk" moments to me today which I won't get into yeesh.

i also learned today that the main part of the hospital has a bad reputation - apparently stuff happened 20-30 years ago and in a small community like this people just… you know. I don't know about BHU though.

still here

Sun, 14 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

yes, we are still here. it’s just that it has been way too busy and exhausted to update here unfortunately. we have been doing TMS full time for six weeks starting in september, and then we started spravato which has been life changing. it really has helped our depression so much. like, pretty much in remission at this point.

with coming into the new year, there’s going to be quite a lot that we have to do. we are finally down to once a week on spravato, but they are changing our insurance, so we need to figure that out. there is a place that is slightly closer than the 200mi/3 hour round trip for the other place that both us and elias are going to right now. but still, it’s been exhausting have to drive to and from dallas every day for months now. it’s just… too much honestly. so, will be glad to be moving to somewhere closer, and only doing it once a week.

trying to figure my life out

Thu, 31 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i had therapy today & we basically just talked about how I'm still overworking despite like, not actually actively being at work. i quit my job but now I'm 24/7 looking and applying for jobs. therapist said that i would do well to just set a timer on how long I can be looking for jobs and do it at a specific time of day so I'm not up at 3am looking for and applying to jobs. which yeah kinda. i mean whatever semblance of a schedule i had instantly disappeared the second i wasn't being forced to get up for a 9-5 & now i'm just constantly in "work" mode whether it be trying to find a job, doing chores, or whatever else.

the therapist is also going to send me some mental health exercises to do to try and get me into the habit of like, actually doing shit. she was trying to be like "what gets you excited about getting up in the morning?" and i'm like literally nothing :( i got the depression.

the psych is being awful and refusing to switch me off my current antidepressants that aren't working. last time i had an appt with her she gave the world's biggest sigh when i told her these weren't working and was like "well i'm not doing this anymore so I'm sending you genesight so we can have some kind of clarity on what will and won't work with you." like excuse me? yeah i'm also tired of my depression but try and keep your gigantic sighs to yourself. if you don't actually want to do your job then maybe change to a different profession.

therapist was like "go do ketamine" and i was (jokingly) like "yeah I'll go talk to the drug dealer down on the corner" and she was like "lmao nooo do it legally". i eventually do wanna do ketamine therapy but i can't at the moment (or any time soon) bc I would need a ride back and forth. it's like a 3 hr round trip to get to and from the closest ketamine therapy place & e doesn't drive so I'd need to figure out a way to deal w that. the only person I could think who could give me a ride is kendrick, and I love kendrick but i rlyyy do not want to be stuck in a car w him for an hour and a half while i'm ketamine tripping LMAO.

CVS is being so fucking dumb. we need to switch away from them. healthcare in this country is a shitshow so the closest "preferred" pharmacy is like a 2 hour round trip in that town with the CVS. so elias called and asked them if his meds were in. they said they were. so i did the 2 hour round trip and when i got there they were like "uh no we don't have it in, we don't even have it in our system" which i kinda assumed considering it wasn't available online but like? they are constantly doing this. plus they aren't doing the insurance verification for my T so like??? get your shit together CVS.

likely we are going to move our stuff over to walgreens bc this is a mess. plus CVS has some new thing with our new location that you can't even call & get a pharmacist on the phone anymore!!! like they only let you leave a voicemail no matter what time of day it is, and if ur lucky they will call you back in a timely manner and you'll catch their call. total shitshow. 0/10 they are not getting our money any longer lmao.

i'm doing my best to figure stuff out but it's been so hard lately. it's just... idk. everything is exhausting. how am i feeling even MORE burnt out after quitting my job??? i guess it's bc with my job I could clock in and out and be done for the day but now I feel like i'm constantly "on" with constantly job hunting and the like. i hope that i can find some kind of peace outside of that. the therapist said it was a pretty good opportunity for me to figure out what i actually want to be doing with my day that a lot of people don't get, and i agree. we are totally privileged in that way & i'm very grateful for that. but still, it's exhausting... ugh. me @ myself: get ur shit together please

Things Are Very Stressful Lately

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 11:00:00 -0600

Things are very stressful at work and life lately. We probably need to move out of the country. I suddenly lost steam to write in this. Oh well.

life seems so useless right now

Thu, 30 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i think maybe its just cuz of being the emotions releaser, but i feel like i personally always get affected by our dreams the most. i am tired of the dream where we find our old stuff that we lost over the years. that shit is gone and it aint coming back. but for some reason tryin to come to terms with that is too hard.

we keep havin health issues an its mostly annoyin cuz its upsettin elias + them. actually dealin w them is what ever. i mean i guess we dont really care about ourselves anyway

something something therapy

Wed, 17 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i didn't know deadjournal was still around. oh my god. my old journal is STILL UP THERE... i even lied about my age because i was like 12 at the time. i have no clue how to get into it, i think it's still private, but oh my god, that's hilarious. the interests are super funny too

https://limbo.deadjournal.com/_everlasting/profile

i got so distracted that i forgot what i was going to write about. i think i was just mostly going to write about the fact that i keep waking up every hour in bed. the therapist (and elias) both think it has something to do with the fact that we don't feel okay in general with sleeping. i mean, it's hard. there was one time in our life when we woke up and our abuser that we hadn't talked to in over a decade had MOVED IN. we were in college and living with our father and for some reason, he thought it was ok to have our mother move in, without our consent...? so i guess maybe we're worried about that still. especially since we started talking with her again. (though she lost interest, like i think we said before)

at least today is ASL class. about the only time we are able to get out of the house, and missing last week, we are needing it more than ever. richard* noticed that our car was overheating but assured us it would be fine, so i trust him. and if he was wrong, there's always AAA.

*an alter of ours

SO MUCH has happened

Tue, 09 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

so much has happened that it's probably just better to put them all in categorical order instead of timeline.

work

a bunch of fucking bullshit. basically was de facto demoted because i advocated for myself and others to have fair pay & reasonable expectations. i'm ok with it, but it's still annoying. i'll just try to look for a new job asap.

one of our alters (anastasia) who is actually the main alter, or at least the center of the system, has work as a huge aspect of her personality. yesterday she found out that they had been under-counting her metrics for months, and then today even more so because they're changing the way the metrics for training are counted so we were being SEVERELY under-counted. she went on a rampage yesterday (which is... really not like her, so i guess final straw situation) & pretty much threw out everything we own that we purchased for ourselves. a few things survived. we told elias about it & he went out and got it from the trash bin... he's a keeper T_T

mother

she stopped talking to me bc she's a narcissist and i wasn't giving her attention. problem solved? not really honestly, because i still feel weird about the whole thing so it's not really resolved for me. trying to decide on what i want to do though...

health

i'm Deaf, so i've been pretty much solely focusing on learning ASL lately. elias and i take a class up in dallas twice a week (a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back... RIP.) i'm very clearly the most knowledgeable in class and can speak with decent enough "beginner fluency" i guess, i can hold normal conversations with people. so people have been looking to me to help teach them... but i'm def not a teacher hahaha i'm willing to sit next to people who are struggling but i am DEF not a teacher. the only reason i'm so far ahead of everyone else is because i practice like CRAZY because i actually have the impetus to practice like crazy haha. elias is hard of hearing but everyone else in the class is hearing besides one dude named mark who is hard of hearing/deaf (cochlear implants) who i think dropped out (i hope not!) the teacher is profoundly deaf though.

i am not profoundly deaf (yet), i can hear with my hearing aids and anything being beamed directly into my ears (like headphones/music etc.) trying to get ahead of it because my hearing is going pretty quickly at this point. at some point in the past few months i went from little d deaf to big D Deaf because of my integration into the community, learning ASL, etc. plus just holding the same culture and values and everything anyway.

it's been wonderful... like, holy shit. going to class the first time was a trip. i could actually talk to people. i was super outgoing because i could actually communicate. that's also part of the reason i'm learning so fast... it's allowing me to be able to communicate! our first class was "my name is X. nice to meet you." we had to go around saying this to everyone, and mark and i had a very brief conversation where i said i am deaf but i was nervous because there was a lot of people, and he said that i didn't need to be. whenever he passed behind me, instead of saying "excuse me", he tapped me on the shoulder

i almost started crying right then and there. this awesome inclusive environment, where the guy actually tapped me on the shoulder to let me know he was going behind me instead of saying "excuse me" where i wouldn't actually hear. i just... yeah. it was so relieving and nice and i just felt welcome for like, the first time in my life

but!! with my hearing getting worse, embarrassing stuff keeps happening. i need to really remember to wear my hearing aids whenever we go out. we went to ASL class last wednesday, and i thought that i wouldn't need them because i thought we were just going to class (and we don't voice in class.) we went to starbucks beforehand and someone was trying to ask if we were in line. all i heard is "are you" and thought it was a worker (due to how quick she was walking) saying "how are you" and i said "good, you?" and she gave me the nastiest look and moved past us. elias was like "she was saying are you in line" and i was like ok well i couldn't hear that.

in class, there were two occasions when i was trying to hear someone say something (because they weren't getting it across in sign.) on the first, i thought she was asking for how to say "language" because whenever she was saying "how do i sign?" she kept saying "how do i sign language?" and she told me out loud what she meant underneath her breath but i couldn't hear her. second occasion, someone was trying to ask if the sign for sun and shower are the same, but the teacher (and me apparently) weren't understanding, i thought she was asking about "sauna." i fingerspelled "sauna" to the teacher, and the teacher was like "oh" and started to explain sauna, and everyone else was like NOOOO! SUN!

elias looked over to me and was like "you're deaf too!" and i was like oh yeah. and now every time i go out i have to say "huh?" and have people repeat themselves constantly, if i don't have my hearing aids on. so i need to make it a habit of just wearing my hearing aids everywhere but to be honest, once i'm fluent enough in ASL, i'm just. not going to use english anymore. it doesn't work for me! and i don't mind being deaf!!

(i really need to go back to the ENT soon, but i keep putting it off, because i'm too nervous... ugh. i just know it's going to be way worse than it was before.)

mental health

regarding mental health, well i don't have enough time to go into that. just that my depression has been way worse and i've barely been coping lol. i changed my meds and hopefully that is going to help but yeah.

hobbies

i've just been a little goblin who is addicted to balatro. like, i literally CANNOT put it down. it being on the switch is super dangerous for me because i just carry the switch everywhere and play it like it's my full time job hahaha. other than that, well, most of my hobby stuff got thrown out, but i still do have a few more.

family

we got a new cat!!!

when we moved into our new house last summer there were a ton of stray cats in the neighborhood. makes sense, the neighbors are all nice and feed them all so they just kinda are collectively the community cats.

there is a kitten who is too sweet that we named snowball, didn’t adopt him though. he looked like he could handle himself and wasn’t super comfortable around humans (yet, probably)

but there were these two tabbies, one we called Fat Tabby and one was Skinny Tabby. fat tabby had an extremely fat face (but not body but the nickname had already stuck) and then Skinny Tabby was just his younger/kitten (probably female) counterpart

at one point we were putting out food for the cats, but the asshole dogs started eating it. like they are literally bullies and no one calls them out on it. they were fighting the cats on our front porch, so we stopped putting food out.

but Fat Tabby still came around and SCREAMED at like 10,000dB. we could hear him through the walls, with the windows shut lmao. so every time he screamed we would go out there and feed him specifically just to avoid the dogs. then he started doing it in the backyard. then he started learning our walking schedule for the dogs and would be out there screaming at 7am and 4pm every day, and we always got him food.

we sat outside with him one day and noticed that he had an injury. and another cat (mean black cat) was trying to approach all three of us slowly like he thought he was being sly. there was one of my shoes outside and when he got close enough elias threw the shoe towards him and he ran off. apparently thought this was his area but never came back after that.

Fat Tabby was super appreciative, in fact instead of in the backyard far away near the back fence, he started sleeping on our doorstep. we had some cardboard boxes out in the front that we were being lazy about getting rid of and he lived in there, used it as shelter when it was cold and raining.
yeah that lasted about a week before we just brought him inside lmao. brought him inside, quarantined him in my bathroom in case he had cooties and to let the animals get used to him and vice versa.

made a vet appointment and told them that his temporary name was Fat Tabby lol. then the next day we went out and got all the cat essentials. we bought a tag and were like “shit, we can’t just put Fat Tabby on the tag” so Elias googled celestial names and we came upon Maru. we had to go super quick too because we had an appointment super soon after, can’t remember what but we were already running late so we were like ok Maru it is
took him to the vet and he got a clean bill of health. the vet said he had a fat head because he was not neutered but his body was normal haha. we got him neutered ASAP, like a few days later. vet also said he was about a year and a half old.

he is still chilling in my bathroom, we got a zipper screen thing for the door so Evil and he can see each other. Maru is still trying to realize that not all cats are mean bullies, and Evil’s person is elias so he was freaking out whenever he saw him cuddling with him. they both seem to be getting over it. in the past few days Maru even started to play with some of his toys yay. he still screams at 10,000dB by the way but now he does it inside of the house, lmao. and we thought Evil (our other cat) was loud… Maru can see directly into my office and meow alllll day if he sees me and I am not paying attention to him.

Evil is pretty tsundere but Maru is just lovey to all humans. he loves everyone indiscriminately and 100% will constantly cuddle 24/7 if given the chance, so it’s hard to get a good picture of him lmao.

it's been a while

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 11:00:00 -0600

hey all! it's been a little while since I updated. the last update I made was just us getting used to the new house. I guess a lot of weird stuff has happened since then.

first off, a friend of mine visited our house for christmas. it was the first time we had ever hosted anyone, and she has limited English because she is from Japan. i think it went well, but afterwards, she pretty much ghosted us. :/ i did send her a message through LINE, but i haven't checked LINE since then. nothing especially dramatic happened while she was here besides her letting our indoor cat out, and that was her fault, not ours lol. we were in pretty consistent contact before the trip, so i'm not really sure what happened. it's sad to lose my friend, though.

elias proposed to me on our anniversary this year! (jan 2) so i'm super happy about that...!

um... well, february is already hard because it's a trauma time for me and elias, but also it's even more hard now because of elias' attempt last year. it's been exactly one year since his attempt, and we are still both trying to come to terms with everything that happened. we are of course both in therapy (we already were for PTSD/other mental health stuff, we have been for years) and that helps. his therapist suggested that we both write letters to each other and then burn them just as a ceremonial way of showing that we are still alive & that's not going to happen again. we plan on doing that this weekend.

i started talking to my mom again. i don't really know why. i haven't talked to her in over a decade. she was super abusive to me throughout childhood. maybe i just wanted some closure...? i don't know. it seems she's "gotten better" in at least that she's not in any abusive relationship and hasn't been for a long time, and she got clean. but she's still a narcissist, just a non-drugged up abusive/abused one. i've mostly just been avoiding my phone, not necessarily just for her but in general.

work sucks as usual. i've been putting my all into it, working 50-60 hour weeks and essentially not getting appreciated. stood up for myself, put down boundaries, was assertive, and was told if i didn't stop being assertive that i'd be fired. so i am just keeping my head down and keeping quiet until i can find another job maybe. for some reason i always end up quitting jobs around the 2 year mark in february, so it's probably more of a me problem than anything, but still. i think it's just because after 2 years you start to see how the company is really mistreating you. they're also super underpaying me and hiring people in at my wage when i'm far up in the company. as for now i'm just regular disengaged though rather than actively disengaged.

anyway, sorry i haven't really been around/updating/commenting. my therapist wants me to get better at journaling, so i'll probably be around more frequently now. she's really helping me with a lot of stuff. her primary focus is polyvagal theory, and she did something that was pretty similar to EDMR in last session. i am going to see her again today. last session she tasked me with writing about my mom, and i just ended up contacting her instead... so i don't know how my therapist is going to feel about that lmao. she's probably going to be fine with it but slightly concerned.

i'll try to reply to the comments i've received and comment on other people's journals a little bit. if i ever disappear, if you see that i haven't been around for a little bit, you can always feel free to comment! and it might prompt me to remember that this exists lol.

trying to get used to new house

Sat, 19 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

i am having a pretty hard time trying to get used to the new house. it's just a lot! i love the new house, but trying to adjust to being in a new environment is always a little difficult. i finally got through everything for the most part, and finally it's the weekend, but now i'm just... tired. haha. there's still a lot to be unpacked (emotionally and literally), but i'm doing my best.

we are alllmost done packing already! somehow it's a lot easier to unpack than it is to pack. however, we keep seeing stuff that we need to fix, or upgrade, haha. thankfully elias has been good at saving money, but we are going to have to do sooo much work. the most immediate thing that we have to do is have the fence fixed. or rather, a portion added. the seller just let their dogs run around loose, but our dogs are not loose friendly dogs. they are super friendly i mean, but they both have really bad anxiety, and if they ran into the neighborhood dog or strange people, they'd get really upset. so we need to have them fenced in. there's a couple of other things we need to deal with too (like the water heater not working that well), but for the most part we are done...! i'm super excited for us to be able to finally get fully unpacked.

elias made a comment about how there wasn't much storage in this place, and i was like, PERFECT!!! storage is my favorite thing to buy! my favorite store is by far the container store haha. i told him we have lots of vertical space to work with. we really should get a big pantry for the kitchen for example, and we also need to get some shelving for the bathroom... that's just to start. lots of little projects to be done here, like replacing doors, adding molding along the floor, etc. but thankfully the house is move-in ready so nothing we have to tackle right away!

thankfully the town is super easy and small to learn directionally, so i haven't had to rely on waze much. which is good because waze around here sucks, no one bothers to update it haha. google maps is likely equally as shitty. you just kinda have to learn your way around yourself, old school style. typing in the business can kind of get you in the right location, but you have to look around yourself to actually find it haha. but there are lots of cute little businesses. we went to the grocery store and had a $400 purchase (had to replace everything in the freezer for the second time this summer, but for two different reasons) and the lady there was like "you're definitely going to be my biggest order of the day!" just stuff like that. TONS of ways to shop locally, actually it's more of a pain in the ass to shop at chain stores so that's a nice incentive to shop locally.

the seller had an amazon package delivered. i put it inside, but she asked me to leave it out so she could come pick it up. i left it out overnight and it was gone in the morning along with all of her mail. :( it's not a great look! now i'm worried about porch pirates lol. i'm going to get my Ring doorbell working asap, and then i also rented a cheap USPS box that can hold anything that would be super expensive if i know i can't grab the package right away.

i got an appointment with a new psych because the old one was being awful. i'm pretty nervous though, because i haven't been to a new psych in a few years. it's through zoho too which is... kind of ugh. but the doctor herself seems good! at least from the reviews. i won't know until i actually meet her for myself. but i am on a new med, that the old psych put me on. i'm back on my adderall though so i'm feeling SO much better than before when i had run out.

elias and i both have his mother blocked cuz she is just an awful person in general, but today he got a text from his cousin. turns out his mom gave the cousin his number (huge invasion of privacy?? hello??? this is why we have you cut off, lady) and she was trying to hang out in houston. we had to tell her that we moved up to dallas. she of course asked for a more specific area. i just told elias to lie about the location itself, and he did. the problem is, with his family, if you tell one person something, then the entire family will know. and we really can't have his abusive father figuring out where he lives for a wide variety of reasons.

new house done!

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

Sorry I haven't been very active. Turns out, purchasing a house and moving is really, really time consuming (and expensive.) We finally moved out a few days ago though! It was kind of a nightmare in a lot of ways, but I'm really glad that we were able to do it. I'm also back on my ADHD meds (yay!) so I'm feeling a lot better than I have been feeling.

This place is like, stereotypical Texas. Like, full accents and "bless your hearts" and everyone in each other's business and COVID deniers working at Ace Hardware level of Texas. I mean, I bought a house in rural Texas, so I'm not really sure what I expected. But I really like the area. It's very homey, lots of local businesses and tiny town. Way different than where I lived before. Much slower pace.

I hope that everyone has been doing well. I hope I can start updating more often now that the moving chaos is (mostly) dying down.

house loan closed

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

the house loan closed...! there's a lot more to update on but i just wanted to throw this here! we closed yesterday. i'm so excited!

weirdly, there was less paperwork than when i bought my car haha. it was only a 15 minute process. and our realtor is offering to buy us some wine to celebrate! such a kind person. i'm just happy that "phase 1" is done.

now it's the actual moving part... which is going to suck lol. but at least the house is ours now! (we do have to wait 2 weeks for current seller to get out)

when i get a chance, i'll talk more about the new place & how the seller has been. long story short, she's been super nice and clearly cared a lot about the condition of the house & making sure that she was handing it off in the best possible way. not all sellers are like that, so i really consider us to be super lucky.

house loan restrictions

Tue, 11 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

turns out being married to someone who you haven't seen in 7 years because she refuses to cooperate with divorce is actually a huge deal when you're trying to get a house loan, especially in a community property state, especially since she has since acquired a house.

the loan is being put in elias' name to get around it, but it just reminds me how much i dislike her. i went through all the legwork of filing for divorce, and in the end, the judge refused to grant me it because he misread some of the paperwork (told me i filled it out wrong) and refused to admit his mistake. so all that trouble for nothing.

i have to refile, but i'm going to wait until i'm settled into the new house. it's just more important now that i'm buying a house in a community property state.

the house will still be in my name, just not on the loan until i can figure the divorce situation out. annoying.

also, i have about 140 physical entries from my old journal to digitize, i'll work on that whenever i have time. i've been in bare minimum mode just trying to keep afloat ever since i went off my antidepressants.

everything is busy and i'm tired

Sun, 09 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

apologies for leaving some comments hanging. my life has been a complete busy mess lately lmao. I will get back to them asap, probably on a computer. i think when you read this entry, you'll probably see why i haven't had time hahaha.

i am going to try to put a cut here but it's been broken so i'm sorry if this spams your reading page with a thousand paragraphs LMAO.

tw for suicide ideation/other mental health talk

house update

we got some of the more complicated stuff coordinated like pricing out movers. our house is set to close on 7/31, the old sellers won't move out until august 14, and then we have to be out of this place by 8/31.

unfortunately we have a BABYMETAL concert down here on 8/30 so we are going to need to drive two hours south back to houston from our new place. damn it lol. we have had that booked for months so whatever.

the inspection was successfully completed on friday. we couldn't be at the inspection because we had an doc appointment (more on that later.) nothing too shocking, especially for a house this age. the only important thing is that we have to get the seller to fix the roof, which was already anticipated because anyone with eyes could see that it needed to be repaired or replaced. our realtor Lacy is getting that arranged.

lacy is so good and nice! it helps that she's probably gen z or younger millennial so she kind of understands us better than the other realtor did. we did have a realtor named Paola who we really liked, but she kept taking vacations and we were on a time crunch, so we found one close to the city we are moving. Lacy is amazing! i keep trying to do stuff myself and she's like STOP!! i can do it! lmao kind of like Elias.

in my past marriage I had to handle everything and deal with everything, so when there's something big happening, i just kind of autopilot to handling everything. Elias told me that he wanted to be more involved though and that I was pushing him out of the process unintentionally, which made him feel bad. so i promised to try and not just leap into action and get shit handled like i'm used to doing.

there was a bunch of needless drama that happened re: house loan that i won't go into here, but it's fixed now lmao.

with regards to our current hellish landlord (or rather third party realty company because we Aren't Allowed to talk to the landlord): I sent a written request for repairs both physically and to their email. I detailed every minor issue with the house and explained why they couldn't be fixed by us, or that they were noted in our move in checklist as issues. there are a lot of issues that we can fix ourselves that i left out, but a lot that require professional help. i also once again reiterated that they need to yknow actually provide me with cleaners they want or else i'm going to hire randos.

they are SUPER uncommunicative so i'm 100% sure they are going to not fix anything and then try to take our deposit when we move out, so i am documenting everything for when i inevitably need to take them to small claims court.

btw the tree they fought me about not wanting to trim fell over in the storm and hit the house, it looks like it may have damaged it. poetic justice motherfucker.

update from today: loan officer called me. explained situation with ex, still being married, etc. she says it isn't a problem, but she needs to talk to the underwriter to find out of extra paperwork needs to get filed. i'm going to flip a table if they try to use my ex wife's finances in the equation of the house because she was awful and in a ton of debt.

work

manager being a dickhead as usual. i moved on from a position where metrics matter (got promoted) but she's still trying to pigeonhole me into metrics which is fucked up. also the CEO is being cheap and instead of hiring more labor he just expects the already overworked team to do even MORE. and idiot manager justifies this with "well i have a couple of people hitting 1200!" yeah i can hit that number too if i cherry pick what i work on which is 100% what matters. the median is more important but god forbid they use logic.

instead of even trying to empathize when i basically said it's fucked up to expect overloaded people to work even harder because the CEO is stingy about money, she just sided with the CEO. not a great look for a manager to not be able to validate but explain that it can't be helped. instead just repeating herself like i have a comprehension problem. honey i comprehend you just fine, i just don't agree.

i missed 3 days this week - holiday on the 4th, sick on the 5th, planned doc absence on the 7th. i've been being productive but just in other ways.

physical health

im still working on getting into a sleep study but insurance is dragging their heels and requiring my GP to provide certain "evidence" that a test is necessary. so i emailed him and told him that narcolepsy was happening. like i've been sleeping sitting up and the other day i fell asleep standing up in the bathroom brushing my teeth. but yknow not "medically necessary"

i got off my antidepressant because it was likely the problem. after getting off it it got s little bit better with the sleep but not by much.

it does cause other issues though...

first, i am actually feeling my feelings again which sucks somewhat, but it's nice kind of? i've been in this weird mental fog/zombie state for over a year now and suddenly i'm feeling again which is overwhelming. whew. i have been super good about putting down boundaries though which has pissed a lot of people off because they are used to walking all over me. too fuckin bad lol.

i also kinda got suicidal the first few days i was off of it but i'm feeling better now. just white knuckled it through it and used my support system.

my OCD symptoms are through the roof right now though, so exhausting. back to having to count every second of the day and track what i'm doing or else i have panic attacks lmao.

misc

got my ears pierced again! (lobes) they are super cute.

elias is getting surgery next week (top surgery) i am super happy for him. but it is a tough time to get it lol. it can't be put off though because they're backed up until next year. just that he can't help with boxes or whatever.

i've been able to connect with some old friends which has been nice. i've also been talking more to lyn and hikaru which is nice, as i haven't been talking to them regularly much. and i'm happy for my new DW friends! twitter is going to shit, so i made a discord for my lil fandom i am in, it already has over 60 people lmao.

um that's it, i'll go reply to comments and comment now. ha

lots of updates!!

Mon, 26 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

my birthday was so good! it was my 33rd birthday. this is the stuff that elias got me! he knows i am super into planners so he got me a small printer (kodak zink) so i can put pictures in my planners! he also got me a washi dispenser which has been a GODSEND. and a bonsai starter kit (trying my best to get them to grow, i have a black thumb unfortunately) and some earrings that came with the extra gift that he would pay for me to get my ears repierced!

the cake was super good, too. it was a frozen yogurt cake from menchie's. it had coconut froyo and cake batter (the vegan kind) froyo, along with white cake, white frosting, caramel center with resee's, and sprinkles! it was super yummy. i'm really glad that we ate it before the power went out haha.

i have a friend from japan named hikaru, and we decided to exchange gifts. she spent $170 getting it shipped to me (dang!!!) my gifts were about that price to ship as well, but i told her i'd have to ship it over several months lol. it was filled with lots of good stuff including the new 2023 summer starbucks japan cup i wanted and lots of snacks!

from wednesday evening to saturday night, my power was out. that is quite a long time for the power to be out, but it would have been tolerable... had it not been summer in houston, tx. it was literally 85 degrees inside the house, super humid so the temperature felt like it was even hotter. literally unlivable. so, me & Elias (husband) and our two dogs and one cat all packed into my tiny sedan and lived in there until saturday night. come saturday night we were finally frustrated enough to get a hotel... and of course, two hours later, the power came back on. just our luck lol

we didn't get a chance to get any house hunting done, but we're now looking at the fairfield area. there's lots of houses that are there. but our realtor is being kind of flaky (has had a couple of vacations within a matter of a few weeks) and only is available weirdo times (like 11am? i have a 9-5, 11am isn't going to work ha.) so i'm looking into getting another realtor.

i had already contacted a different realtor, but she's being SUPER overbearing and annoying. she texted me being like "why did elias unsubscribe from email notifications??" like maybe because they're annoying as hell? & i told her we were looking more north and rural (fairfield) and she was like, "i don't serve that area. are you sure you don't want to live more south?" lady i am not buying a whole ass house in an area i don't want just because you don't feel like coming up north and showing me houses there.

omg... i watched the anju final BIG LOVE, and i don't have many words for take-chan's grad but i am super, super sad. she has been my fave ANGERME member since 2011 (12 years!) so i cried a lot when i watched her grad haha. it was just... really, really sad, but i'm glad that she's moving on and doing something she loves! calligraphy is an awesome career choice for her & an unusual one for an idol.

my doc put me on auvelity, which is apparently just a dextro/wellbutrin mix. i heard you can DIY which might be better than buying the med, because the med is brand new and not really covered by insurance. there are coupons, but what happens when the coupons run out & my insurance doesn't cover it? i'll talk to my psych about doing DIY auvelity with OTC dextro and rx wellbutrin if it comes to that. not super happy about this psych though because she requires in office visits every 3 months & i'm planning on moving away...

new guy starts today at work! if you didn't know, i'm the trainer (the only one lol) at my work, so i'll be working with him pretty closely once he's done onboarding. i'm super excited that we have a new person on our team! it's super overdue.

i made some icons, should i make a new dw for them or just post them here? hmm...

i need a break

Wed, 21 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

holy shit i need a break from all this house shit. i made a throwaway email and phone number (thanks mysudo) just for movers because i know they spam the shit out of you and that was the smartest thing i ever did. i have literally over 200 emails from people trying to get ahold of me...

i hired a lawyer yesterday to help deal with the landlord. they've gotten so bad that we are honestly just at an impasse. the HOA agreed to not move forward with any action until after aug 31 when we are moved out, but still. ugh. can't wait to ream them out online when this is all over.

it seems like my gp called back, but i was in the shower. unless he was telling me he's sending over the sleep apnea study referral, then it probably wasn't important. i need a sleep study done very desperately. i haven't been able to sleep, even worse than usual in the past few weeks. which is exacerbating my exhaustion with everything else. 💤

house hunting update!

Mon, 19 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

house hunting update! too tired to talk about bday today, but i can do that soon

on thursday, we drove about 30min north to the next biggest city (conroe tx). we are wanting to move more rural, because the city we are living in right now (spring tx) has become overpopulated, especially since covid.

our realtor is very nice, but seems to think the lesser populated suburbs are "rural." i grew up in a town that was 30min from the closest store and had 1,000 people so my idea of rural is way off from hers. anyway, we hit up the closest houses.

the first one was... bad.

it looks really nice from the outside but it 100% was not worth the 315k(!) asking price. yard was tiny, kitchen was tiny, layout was awkward, needed a ton of fixing up to do. it somehow managed to make 2,000sqft look tiny. nope, pass.

the second house i liked a lot.

this thing is HUGE. 3,100sqft, 5bd, 3ba. completely move in ready except one or two little things. it was at the top of our budget though (325k).

when we walked in, the alarm started going off high pitched, and our realtor didn't have the code- it wasn't given to her on the app. i tore out my hearing aids which helped a little, but then i went and explored the rest of the house.

you don't really realize how big over 3000sqft is until you're actually walking around. the thing was massive. i liked it a lot. the only downside is that the backyard was tiny and it was kind of close to a river. it wasn't technically in the flood plane, but you always have to be aware of that in houston.

for some reason, elias wasn't feeling it. i read the sellers disclosures and it said they were divorcing. and i was like "well, what is one guy going to do with 3000sqft house?" and the realtor was like "what are two guys going to do with it?" 🙄 lady don't test my ability to fill a house lmao.

so elias and i weren't seeing eye to eye on that one, but we put a pin in it for now.

third house we both agreed that we liked. 270k/1700sqft

it has some major curb appeal, and the design aesthetics fit me perfectly. i'm not one to particularly care how a house looks on the outside, but it's a nice bonus.

decent size, lots of natural light and windows, lots of built in cabinetry, nice walk in pantry. basically one story. whenever i walked in, i was seriously wowed and instantly crossed the other big house off the list in favor of this one. however...

there's not a very big kitchen and there's not much room to expand with new counters. it's serviceable, and i could probably find a way to work around it, but still.

the layout is super, super closed which is also a downside to me. it has an interesting feature where it has a staircase to a very small little den upstairs and that's the only thing upstairs. there is also a mystery sink up there?

another HUGE downside is that the laundry hookups are in the garage and don't have their own space. that would be fine if we were living up north, but whoever put those in the garage must have been smoking crack because we are in southern texas. we have been above 110 regularly this week. yeah, i'm not going to get heat stroke doing laundry. so we would have to install new laundry hookups somewhere in the actual house.

it was also a bit small for the asking price. yes, it's move in ready, but there a few upgrades i would need to do. 1700sqft is also close to our minimum (1500) and the actual house is probably 1500 because of the weird upstairs den. we are still potentially short listing this one.

fourth house looks like shit, but hear me out. (250k, 2000sqft)

already we liked this house because of the area. our realtor DEFINITELY did not because she is so much about curb appeal, and this one looks like dookie from the outside. the metal siding is actually a huge plus in texas, because it reflects the heat and can't be eaten up by bugs. it does need a fresh coat of paint and some front landscaping though.

unfortunately our realtor was primed to be negative because she didn't like the way it looked on the outside. however, it has a super nice inside. it's really big, open, jack&jill bath between two bedrooms (which we would use as our office) and the master bedroom is really nice. huge laundry room (inside!) and i can't emphasize how much the layout was open, in a good way. it made the 2000sqft look like 2500 where the other house made the 1700 look like 1200.

it also has a ton of land, nearly an acre.

it's not perfect though. a fence would have to be built so we could let our dogs outside. it doesn't have a carport, which isn't a big deal to me, but i might want to add one in the future. the kitchen is fine but definitely i would like to remodel it. the realtor expressed concern that it wouldn't pass an inspection because there was a bump in the floor. i am not sure if that was her picking out the negative because she was primed for it or not, but it would definitely have to be addressed.

all that being said, that one was shortlisted too.

after we were done with the realtor, we drove an hour and a half north to a rural little one stoplight town that is more what i'm used to. it is a VERY nice little town with a hugely low crime rate. the biggest complaint some people have is "great for retirees but boring for everyone else" doesn't bother me, im a homebody lmao.

since we like that town so much, we decided to start looking at properties there, and wow! you can get so much bang for your buck. i think the other two houses we liked will end up being crossed off because of that.

i never know what i'm looking for. maybe i should like, start watching house hunters or something?

either way, we are going to look some more on friday. very excited!!!

weight talk

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: sexual abuse/trauma, weight, eating disorders

venting about 600lb life

i really shouldn't be watching 600lb life in the throes of an eating disorder relapse but here we are

i have like, a love hate relationship with the show?

i love to see that the show seemingly goes out of its way to portray fat people in a way that seems to humanize them (at first at least.) they make it very clear from the beginning of the show how much their weight affects their ability to live a normal life and that it's primarily caused by trauma. almost everyone on the show has been traumatized at least once, most of them multiple times, many of them sexually abused

HOWEVER, dr now seems to do like, nothing with this information? the people on the show are always in need of some heavy therapy for their PTSD. but he just throws a pamphlet that says LOW CARB, HIGH PROTEIN, 1200 CALORIES A DAY at them and lists fruits and vegetables and to only eat three times a day and expects them to just... bootstraps themselves out of their eating disorder??? thanks it was useless. i would say 80% of people know why they're fat and a VLCD print out isn't going to help that much.

then he gets pissed off at them and blames them for not "wanting it enough" when they inevitably fail because this diet is just a bandaid for the underlying eating disorder? like dude this is the equivalent of printing a big ass smiley face on a piece of paper that says "don't worry, be happy!" and then telling a depressed person to look at it when they are sad and shocked pikachu when they relapse or never make progress in the first place

like, it makes me mad that the first thing that happens isn't immediate therapy. he only makes the people go to therapy like half the time, and usually 6+ months into their weight loss attempt, IF they are in danger of regaining lost weight (god forbid). otherwise he's just like "there's nothing else we can do for you, you don't want this enough"

i get that he wants to put them on VLCD to fix the immediate negative physical ramifications their weight is having, but can't he do that at the same time as therapy? he also only requires (provides?) one session a month. that is not nearly enough for people with trauma this extreme. the show i watched last night, the woman was sexually abused over her entire childhood and early adulthood by multiple unrelated people and incidents. you can't bootstrap yourself out of that!!

and the drive to houston is super problematic and sometimes straight up dangerous. instead of having them make the drive and sometimes move all together, he should really consider having them do local therapy or teletherapy for X sessions first.

ALSO, sometimes he sends over nutritionists. this should 100% be part of onboarding for every single person on the show, or at least be introduced a few months down the line regardless of their progress. most people on the show scoff at it and ignore it, but i saw an episode the other day where that was a major turning point for the lady because she genuinely didn't realize the stuff that she was eating was high calorie. she was extremely receptive (albeit somewhat embarrassed) and switched out all her stuff to low fat (read: low calorie) and... surprise! she started losing weight.

like, i also don't even know if i like that the show airs out all their trauma on live Tv. i'm almost certain it's a requirement to be in the show(and get free weight loss help) but a lot of people are like "i've never trips anyone this before" and now the whole world knows!!!

i feel like the implication is also that you can't be fat unless you have some "reason" to be, like overeating due to trauma. when like, you can have an ED that is not linked to trauma, and you can also be a big eater without trauma, and naturally big.

kinda feels to me like the entire show is dehumanizing and a sideshow type thing where people point and laugh because this person doesn't look like us "healthy" people, under the guise of "health." dr. now can be incredibly cruel and rude to the point of some of the rude things he says becoming memes- "why you eat so much?" with his face is a top selling magnet on red bubble for example. it's the same rhetoric that a lot of online concern trolls pill "i don't care about them eating, i just care about their health!!!!"

as an aside, i heard they pay people to shower on camera so every single episode starts with them showering on camera which is yucky. not yucky because of them showering but yucky because it feels like they paid vulnerable poor people to depict themselves in a way that dehumanizes them, with somehow also having a voice over of them talking about their trauma? and they seem to have no moral quandary about this. the entire show seems predatory to be honest and the time spent talking about their trauma is like 3min at the beginning and then it's instantly buried in the other hour and a half unless it's a direct plot point

dats all. peace

HOA drama

Mon, 05 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

So, I've been fighting with the HOA right? or at least I thought I was. they sent a threatening letter a few weeks ago about our front lawn being dead, saying they were going to take legal action if i didn't fix it.

I sent a ton of receipts showing i had done everything in my power to fix it, and now it's on the landlord to trim the GIGANTIC tree in the front yard that is not allowing the freaking grass to grow

surprisingly!!! the HOA lady was super nice and on our side:

If the tree trimming and yard maintenence is in the lease agreement then I am in need of a copy of your lease agreement, to which the Texas State Law states the HOA is allowed to have!

One of the things you may not be aware of is that due to multiple flooding of the street, of which covered your tenants yard up to the front door, since 2019 and of which is NOT due to anything your tenants have done, happened.

Be aware the storm drain is just to the left of your tenants residence. If looking straight at the home.

This is a huge reason the yard has had issues of dying. As mud, trash and debris killed that grass! And the grass to the neighbor next to them!

When I took over management of this community I had the storm drains cleaned. The Precinct took 2 truck loads out. Since then there has been no flooding that occurred. Doesn't mean though that there could before in the future!

However, I have noted on multiple occasions there is NO sunlight on the left side of the house from the tree back. I have witnessed everything the tenants have done, as I happen to live 3 doors down from them. The tree is the main reason, plus the huge bush, which is now a tree, to the left corner of the house that converged together so there is no grass!

They have been very diligent in upkeep of the property as far as mowing, watering, fertilizing, etc!

If I had not witnessed and I believed it is due to their negligence, then I would say yes any fees would be their responsibility! But this is not anything that is their fault at this point!

These gentlemen have reached out to me to ask for our deed restrictions, Governing Documents and asked all kids of questions to make sure they are in compliance! They are not your typical tenants! They are very involved in the community.

It was your job to get them the HOA documents and I haven't heard from you or the homeowner!

At this point , the Board believes it your responsibility as Management Company and Homeowner to trim the large tree, a tenant would be responsible for any limbs up to 6 or 8 feet above the ground, and large bush so that sunlight would get to the grass. It needs to be opened up! And that bush either cut way down or removed!

And, FYI, both were there and in need of trimming long before they moved in!

This will also help if there is any strong winds or a hurricane! A too dense tree could go down and cause serious damage to the house and vehicles. Which is the homeowners liability!

I have spoken to them at length and they are very receptive to continued maintenance once the owner takes care of the tree and bush!

And then this violation would be closed!

The Board has little sympathy for Landlords who complain of financial hardship as they are receiving money from leasing, at a higher rate than the mortgage, if any, specifically to.have money to maintain the property! If they cannot afford to maintain the home then maybe they should sell it!

If you have any other questions and concerns I would be very happy to discuss this with you or the Melhorns.

she only lives two doors down from me so she came to my house to vent about shitty landlords. she only took over the HOA because the old one was awful. she seems like a genuinely kind person.

The realty company not so subtly threatened to not renew our lease for this which is super illegal in the state of tx so i will be pursuing legal action if they choose to do that

SILVER LINING - this finally kicked our butts into gear to move and we are considering buying a house!!!! there's a lot of shit that goes into buying a house tho.

elias (husband) told me last night, "we are getting super ripped off there are cheaper, bigger places for rent around here for less money"

and i was like "i know, why do you think i rant and rave and am in a shitty mood all day every time we get a lease renewal and they hiked up our rent" 😭

to be honest, i'm glad they pulled this shit when they did because now we actually have time to move lmfao

good lord

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

This freaking journal is ancient. If I end up adding anyone else, please don't judge me from my past entries. There's only a smattering of entries, and when I started this journal in 2009, I was 18 and going through a lot of shit.

I'm now 32 (turning 33 in a couple of weeks) and still going through shit, but the shit is more like, adult shit and not so much teenage trauma type shit.

um, where do I even begin? the last time I made a substantial update was in 2017 or 2018, so 5 or 6 years ago.

I've been through 2 jobs since then, and on the third one. (I swear I'm not a job hopper, the first one laid me off and the second one treated me like garbage)

I was in the linguistics industry, then switched over to my current job in ophthalmology. I work in research studies now.

Toni still pees all over, but she hasn't peed on me since then. We just diaper her, as it's a medical problem. Evil is still a butthead, but not a kitten anymore. We adopted another dog from Elias' mom.

I moved from my tiny apartment into a house in 2019. I am actually currently in a legal dispute with the landlord and expect them to (illegally retaliate) not renew my lease at the end of August. So now, we are looking into buying a house for the first time.

It's wild to look back and look at the kind of stuff I was worried about as a teenager. Like, celebrating that my dad finally let me have my computer in my bedroom (in the days before smartphones lmfao) and fussing over my grandma not wanting me to live with her.

My grandma actually passed away shortly after that, and shortly before she died she apologized about not letting me stay and said I could stay whenever I wanted. What an awful thing to think about now. i was acting like such a brat. I don't know why I couldn't just enjoy her company without bickering over something useless.

I've made a shit ton of progress since that first entry (almost 15 years ago!!)

I just can't believe I was so worried about my computer not being in my bedroom...

i bought an ipad today

Wed, 20 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i bought an ipad today, it should come in a week. i’m surprised apple gave me 1k worth of financing, but i appreciate it haha.

if i find a way to move this journal digitally, i might end up doing that. it would probably be more efficient than this. apparently this paper is 8X11 and the ipad is 10.2 inches so it won’t be much smaller than this notebook.

i am excited for it to arrive! i will mostly use it for planning. i won’t really notice it in my budget either because im about to pay off my phone which costs more or less the same.

finally get fridge food

Sun, 20 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today i am grateful for toni having a backyard… i am also grateful for our new fridge…

today toni hurt her leg and was so dramatic about it… it was funny.

today we went to heb the first time since we got our fridge… it feels good to finally get fridge food… we got a big tub of ice cream haha… even with all we bought it barely fills it up…

future self - how was moving

Sun, 07 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0500

i am only writing in this because we are having trouble going to sleep. lots of stuff keeping me up. took a nap earlier + regretting it. because it’s now 10:30 and i have to be up at 5. thinking about how we are back on Weight Watchers. and how we are moving soon. which is nerve wracking and i hope it goes alright. future self - how was moving??

Bet You Thought You Saw The Last Of Me

Fri, 05 Apr 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Bet you thought you saw the last of me?

Today was our last day at vtg. Mixed feelings but I think (hope) we are going and doing the right thing. If not, I don’t know. Only time will tell all I do know is that environment had grown really toxic, mostly because of Jessica. Looking forward to being in a place that doesn’t have everyone at five years.

Welocalize is the new place. Hope they are good. Linguistics Tester also sounds cool on a resume. Hopefully we can move closer north because the commute will hard core suck until then.

hirin movers for the couch

Fri, 16 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

this week was kinda average. gettin to know lea more which is nice. seems like a nice person.

gonna move all the shit around cuz we got furniture from the family. hirin movers so we dont gotta move the couch ourselves. aint sure what we gonna do bout the old couch.

i know elias + them feel bad about the move. just wish i could do more to help.

anyways can’t think of anything else

Rocky Waters With Literally Everything

Thu, 01 Mar 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I wish we weren’t on rocky waters with literally everything. We have been in serious “push everyone away” mode & grumpy about it to boot. Getting into arguments for no reason, trying to isolate, etc.

I think it’s because we have been in the apartment officially, one year. Has us stir crazy & trying to sabotage. However, we will be going on a trip for a week soon and hopefully that will reset our brain.

today sure was a day

Tue, 20 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

today sure was a day. tons of good news, tons of stress. found out that elias’ family is moving which is stress, but got a 10% raise which is good. enclosing the review papers.

i stress ate like an entire small dominos’ pizza and still only ended up 600 over and still under my tdee plus i undereate yesterday so its fine. mostly just frustrating to think my emotional eating isn’t over yet. thought i was done with that.

PCOS

Thu, 28 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

pcos was confirmed FINALLY. like i actually saw the results with my eyes, in front of me (even though the doc wasn't supposed to so now i have to act like i'm surprised whenever dr. joe contacts me and tells me it came back positive)

it's so dumb but i'm actually relieved? relieved that i have physical proof and relieved that it isn't something else mostly. now i can get on meds to manage it and hopefully move on with life. future self, are you on metformin and is it working well?? knowing my luck it causes me to spontaneously combust or something hahaha.

cooked some meatballs yesterday too, those were pretty bomb. a+ would cook again. probably going to try to cook the parmesan fries tonight (i almost wrote fires rip.)

Update

Tue, 18 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I am going to try to keep this thing updated. I doubt I will ever get a chance to do so, but.

I don't even know where to start. I'm working at a vacations agency in Houston, TX now as an Online Editorial Assistant. That's fancy-speak for "I do data entry/computer stuff/write for a living." It's the highest paying job I've ever had, and it's the most free income I've ever had as well. I'm well budgeted for the first time in my adult life, I'm living in my own apartment (with my partner) and life is good in general.

That being said, tackling trauma has been... a task. With the host finally knowing about the DID, it has been a tough thing in general. Trying to exhaust all options before the host starts getting into having to deal with the trauma, but. There is only so much I can do, truthfully.

I don't know if anyone will read this. The idea that someone might, though, is what keeps me writing. Even if it is friends only, aha. I would write more, but. I really need to put the body to rest to actually get some sleep for work tomorrow. Today has been quite a day, and I don't want to exhaust myself beyond what I'm already going to be as it is.

Afraid Of Moving Forward

Thu, 13 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I have a confession to make: I am a self-sabotager. It’s probably not much of a confession as people who know me already probably know this pretty well. I’m more confessing to myself.

I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid that it will come with more responsibility, which I never feel competent taking on, even if I (rationally) am. I’m afraid if I don’t flawlessly master where I am at now, I’m not ready to move on. I know that’s not the case, but. Convincing emotions is difficult.

hard earned stability

Wed, 12 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

Brief timeline of last months:

august 2016 – Visit #1 with Elias, 3 weeks
september 2016 –Kelci breakup
october 2016 – end of oct is visit #2 w/Elias (lasted a month, into Nov)
december 2016 – end of dec, moved in w/Elias
january 2017 – move to TX - airbnb
february 2017 – 2 weeks @ Elias’ parents, started working at VTG
march 2017 – got our own apartment. car broke down
april 2017 – today

i am not qualified to talk about the breakup or ramifications of it so i will talk about Date: 2017

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

Tue, 10 May 2016 12:00:00 -0500

It’s been months since an update and I think that is because this has been shoved in a drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

News:

Got a job 02/12/2016
Moving soon
Closer to Raven than ever (I think I’m in love?)
Bought several items (New phone, xbone, etc)

That’s about it. Emotionally, of course, there are new things to report. I can’t really remember them all, though. A few days ago was Mother’s Day which is always hard, but harder this year… Ended up finally doing the 24 hrs voice call with Raven though. Feeling pretty accomplished about that, honestly.

Microblogs - January 2012

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:00:00 -0600

2012-01-30, 10:31 PM: fuck it, i'm deleting my plurk. anyone need my contact info?

2012-01-26, 6:56 AM: i think i'm finally ready to start rping on lj again. like everyone moved on though

2012-01-20, 12:19 PM: also i should update and say i'm moving out on my own this weekend.

2012-01-16, 2:30 PM: i feel like i'm in a really bad dream. i can't believe she's gone

2012-01-16, 1:33 PM: i wake up to "amanda might lose her job" thank you, work. i appreciate it.

2012-01-16, 2:41 AM: i guess i'm gonna try to sleep. fuck.

2012-01-16, 12:40 AM: well, my grandma passed. i guess the mourning can officially begin.

2012-01-13, 11:51 AM: My grandma is dying. I won't even be touching lj rp for a little while. Sorry. she was fine a week ago...

2012-01-04, 8:28 PM: hey i figured i'd invite everyone to my stream for once

2012-01-04, 11:36 PM: tumblr rp is gr8 ok guys. why do some ljers feel the need to snub it. i've met some really amazing rpers on there

blah blah blah

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

I feel like ranting because... yeah, whatever, I guess. I know everyone's under a lot of pressure, so it feels a little selfish to be complaining, but I'm doing it anyway. I had a couple places that I could have posted this... tumblr is too open and I don't trust my personal diary not to shit out on me and lose important entries. SO. It's going here.

This isn't going to have any coherence or even relatively good transitions. I'm just rambling; I'm not trying to write a paper for English.

I've been having nightmares like crazy lately. Stuff about my mom mostly, but sometimes it's about other stuff. I don't know why, but it drives me batty.

I've been sleeping... so much. Ten, eleven hours a day. It feels kind of like I'm just sort of floating by. Or life is just passing me by. For the past week, I've set my alarm for certain times... and I've woke up about thirty minutes before every time I set my alarm for. Then I'll roll over, and adjust my alarm for another hour. Because of this, I've been way oversleeping.

Life just... slowly passes me by. I find enjoyment in very few things. I wish I could enjoy more things. Everything costs money, though. And I'm not good at anything that wouldn't cost me money. I'd kill to be able to draw well, but it seems that I'm horrible at seeing something and copying it, so I can't learn anatomy well. Singing... just reminds me of my FAAB status. Not to mention any singing projects I'm in love to say "girls" and trigger the shit out of me. And I don't want to say anything, 'cause I don't want to be a burden.

I used to enjoy H!P and stuff like that... But now? I just sort of. I don't even know why I follow it. I don't, really. I check the Hello!Online twitter every so often. It's never news that interests me. It's always rambling on about -group I don't care about is releasing a new single- or -person I don't care about is releasing a new photobook-. Even if I did care as much as I used to, I can't fully participate in the H!P experience because I simply don't have money. I can't wota it up because I'm broke.

All I have is... pirated games and music? Wow. Way to be, you fucking loser. Can't even support your favorite artists or developers. And when you had money, you pissed it away on a computer instead of mental health or physical health or something important. Good going.

I feel like I'm depressed, and no one even knows. I do a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time, but I feel down a lot. Pretty much constantly. I feel happy sometimes, but most of the time it's just washed away in sadness. I'm starting to wonder if I bring it upon myself... Or if I'm just being over dramatic.

My dad always is quick to remind me that I'm over dramatic. Whenever I ever complain about something, he says I'm being over dramatic. Yet he tries to say that he's there to listen to me...? Yeah, right. I don't even want to know his reaction when he finds out I'm trans. OMG ATTENTION HORE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He's fucking horrible for even pretending to care about my problems. If he doesn't consider them to be problems, it's easier to just ridicule me.

Sometimes, I just want to cry. Sometimes, I just want people to listen to me cry and tell me that I'm not over reacting. And I do have a few friends that do that for me.

But I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this... It's not my friends/family's fault. I feel if I talked to anyone, they would just tell me I was being over dramatic. I'm always feeling like a burden, but especially lately. I feel like I'm just an annoyance in everyone's life... and talking about my problems would just be more of an annoyance. I know it's probably not true, but whenever I talk to someone, I can practically feel their annoyance with me. Like, I'm just wasting their time. I wouldn't blame anyone if they felt that way, but constantly feeling like this is seriously taking a drain on me. I don't like even asking people questions because I feel like I'm wasting their time.

But when was the last time I had a hug? I can't even remember. Maybe six months ago, when I was moving out from my dad's at first?

I'm so flaky. I can't ever choose one thing or the other. I always do things for a little bit of time, and then I move on to something else. I couldn't even hold a job down for a month. And then I moved in with Amanda for a month, then I came back. I get interested in things and then I quickly lose interest. I'm jealous of people who can have interests for more than a month or two.

What makes me feel the worst is complaining about money problems-- especially when I know people have it worse. Just... It's about to get a lot worse now that Amanda doesn't have food stamps. That's all there is to it. This stupid fucking horrible country. I fucking hate it.

I feel so worthless right now. I have for the past few months. I feel like I'm tipping over the edge of desperation, and I don't even know why. I don't even have it that bad. I have friends and family that love me, a steady home, and I'm working on bettering myself in college. So why do I feel so helpless and useless? I don't want to sound emo-- well, you know what. Fuck it. This is my journal, and whoever doesn't like it can bite me. I'm just going to write what I want.

I feel like self-reflection brings a tidal wave of guilt and unhappiness. I realize how fucking useless I am, and how god damn insignificant my life is-- and it fucking sucks. I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is offering to help me out of this incoming tsunami of self-hatred and depression.

And it's not even their fault. My friends and family don't even know. I won't let them help me. When I was a child, I had to do everything for myself. I'm so used to doing everything for myself, I don't like seeking help. I always chant to myself, "I'll be okay. I'll be fine. It's not a big deal." It's like a fucking ritual with me. It's like I have too much pride to admit "I might not be fine. This might not be okay. The quality of my life is hurting and upsetting me."

I have trouble admitting when something is a big deal. I don't know why. If it's something someone did to me, it's probably because I don't want them to feel bad about it. If it's something that just happened, I don't want people to tell me I'm over reacting.

Maybe it's because I was always praised for being so mature when I was a kid. When I refused to get in the car when my mother was drunk (which consequently led to her arrest), people around me told me, "Wow. You are so mature." And a lot of people who knew what my childhood was like tell me that I am really strong and mature for not having anything wrong with me.

ALL THEY ARE DOING IS VALIDATING MY CHOICE TO HIDE MY MENTAL PROBLEMS. And I write this, and I know it's wrong to try to hide them. But somewhere, there's a disconnect. I blame it on lack of money, but when I had money, I didn't get help. Why? Maybe I like people thinking I'm strong. I'm just a weak, weak person that crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure. I don't want people to know that.

I think my hypersensitivity to things that some people can take (like the music blasting next door...) is actually because I'm depressed and hypersensitive.

I'm not even a little independent. And that is killing me, too. All I can do is drive by myself. Big fucking deal. I'm still sucking from my dad's paycheck for gas money. I'm still a fucking child, that's all I am.

I don't want to take these things out on the people around me. I feel that sometimes, I do. I don't want to. I just wish I knew exactly what was wrong.

I'm a negative, horrible person. I'm bossy and I'm bitchy. I'm nitpicky. I'm quick to tell someone to do something, but slow to do it myself. Which also makes me a hypocrite. I can practically feel people avoiding me so they don't get sucked into my vortex of negativity and depression. "No one wants to be around a negative person!" (Thanks for that complex, Supervision class.)

I just want to cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need help. Please, someone help me.

oh wow this is super late

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 11:00:00 -0600

I should check LJ more often. Still doing new years survey thingie. BECAUSE I WANT TO. JEEZ

2010

Name: Nathaniel
Screen name: vanillainfused/magneticdeath
Current location: Watervliet, Michigan
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Sign: Gemini [fuck yeah twins]

2010 In The Beginning......

Where did you ring in the New Year? Home
Who were you with? Think it was just me in 2010
Did you kiss anyone at midnight? ;_; no
Did you make any resolutions? No
If so did you keep them? lol

2010 Your Love Life....

Single/Taken? Taken~
How many relationships did you have? Just the one
How many break ups? None
How many people did you kiss? None

2010 Friends and Enemies......

Did you meet any new friends this year? Not really
Did any of your friendships end? They come and go
Did you dislike anyone? Yep
Did you get into any fights? Yeah
Did you make any new enemies? Dunno, probably not
Did you resolve any fights? Short-term ones
Who was your closest friend? Without a doubt it was/is Julie

2010....The Holidays!

Did you have a Valentine? See above question
Did the Easter bunny visit you? Dad is the easter bunny and he brings Easter chocolate cheer
Did watch fireworks on the 4th of July? No
Did you dress up for Halloween? Yeah, Hannibal. Lazy costume though, just the mask
What did you do for Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing
Did you receive what you wanted? Didn't really want much haha
Were you good this holiday season? I've been a very naughty boy~ (lol)

2010 Your BIRTHDAY!!!

How old did you turn? 20
Did you have a cake? No
What did you do for your birthday? Went out to eat
Did you have a party? No
Did you get any presents? Couple :D

2010......The Memories and Accomplishments!

Funniest Memory? I can't single one out...
Saddest Memory? Dunno if I've had something bad enough to say 'saddest'. Not like anyone died, right
Most Embarrassing Memory? I hardly get embarrassed anymore lol
Best Accomplishment? Beginning college (does that count), getting myself unafraid of driving, honors GPA

2010.....FAVORITES!

Favorite TV shows? The Office
Favorite songs? Master of Puppets by Metallica (same old same old)
Favorite bands? Metallica, anything H!P
Favorite food? Lasagna. 2010 was year of the lasagna. <3
Favorite stores? I don't shop that much
Favorite restaurants? Any really
Favorite piece of clothing? Bad ass t-shirts (vidya gaems, Metallica)

2010.....All about YOU....

Did you change at all this year? Yes
Did you dye your hair? Highlights
Did you get your hair cut? Yes (need a new one too)
Did you change your style? Yes
Were you in school? Yes
Did you have a job? For like two seconds
Did you drive? Yes!! And it's a huge accomplishment that I finally am not afraid anymore
Did you own a car? Yes, 1994 Mitsubishi Galant (Maroon)
Did you lose anyone this year? No
Did anyone close to you give birth? No
Did you move at all? No
Did you go on any vacations? Lol yeah right
Did you leave the country at all? No
Would you change anything about yourself now? Not really

2010.....Wrap Up.

Was 2010 a good year? Yes
Do you have any regrets? I think I did some stupid things, however, I don't regret because it's best to focus on the future rather than on the past
Did 2010 bring any new insights? Some...
Do you think 2011 will top 2010? Probably not, lol. Wake me up when 2012 rolls around~
Do you have any goals for 2011? Get an iPod touch (lol). Also cram as many classes as I can into each semester so I can get school done and over with
If you could relive any moment which would you choose? Don't really have a particular one
If you could forget any moment what would it be? Quite a few. Depression, arguments, etc.
Do you wish 2010 wouldn't end? No. Then I would *never* graduate
Do you plan to do anything special for NYE 2010? Oops. Didn't do anything anyway, lol

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
-College
-Bought *my own* car
-Moved out of my dad's (even though it only lasted like a month)
-Turned into not-a-teenager!
-Gambled at the casino
-Wore a binder
-Probably lots more, I just don't remember

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and no. I don't need the new year to have goals~

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
I'm going to have to ask your lazy ass to scroll up and read my previous answer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
lol u funny

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A dick. (Wishful thinking, yo)

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not a good 'dates' person

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Scroll up and read somewhere up there

9. What was your biggest failure?
Quitting my job. (but it led to college, so. not that bad)
Also being a jackass to Julie. Sorry bb

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My pool injury! Haha (a little cut i got playing pool). Nothing serious though

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my car. It's been the most useful at least.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Julie - Graduating HS and joining college
My dad - Got a job
Amanda - Switched her degree into something she will actually enjoy
Steve - Got a job (though he doesn't have one now)
There's probably more, just don't remember

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to list

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New MM members, getting lots of money in October 2010

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
4minute - HUH (the song Amanda was playing when 2010 ended)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened? happier- i'm actually doing something for my future (college)
ii. thinner or fatter? feel thinner, but in reality, the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably poorer because i'm actually in debt now. lol

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Having actual fun and not wasting time (but most of the time that requires money)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing. And studying (turns out I didn't need it)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I never really celebrate Christmas

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
You're like, 2 years late, survey

23. Any one-night stands?
Haha no

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office (again.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book you read?
Me, read books? u funnie

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Korean pop

28. What did you want and get?
Money lol

29. What did you want and not get?
flag in my arms hngggh

30. Favorite film of this year?
Saw too many to pick

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
20, went out to eat (already answered this too)

32. What kind of things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Lazy (as usual)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Koharu Kusumi, maybe. (you are missed from MM ;~;)

36. What political issues stirred you the most?
A bunch. Politics generally irritates me because people are stupid

37. Who do you miss?
Steve (actually seeing him rather than talking to him online)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet new people rly

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Sometimes you don't always know what you want, but everything will work out in the end

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
(lol)

hey

Sat, 19 Jun 2010 12:00:00 -0500

so I'm not dead! Actually just had a birthday a few days ago. Had a month-long stay at Amanda's, moving back. Enrolled in college. Actually, that's a lot of new information. I really need to update this thing more properly when I have the time. D:

semi-hiatus

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

if my lack of updates is any sort of indication, i’m on a semi-hiatus.

there’s just not a whole lot going on in my life that’s noteworthy, and even if there was, i never think to update my lj with it. i just tell someone about it and move on for the most part.

i’ll most likely still be reading all of your entries, only on more delayed basis and i sure as hell won’t be commenting as much as i used to.

allow me to reintroduce myself.

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I had a lot of people add me recently, so allow me to reintroduce myself. (I'm never good at writing these things... I'll try not to make it TL;DR)

As some of you may or may not know, my name is [REDACTED]. I have a million different internet handles (Kirk, hat, magneticdeath, asforoneday, Kohaku, etc) so feel free to call me whatever you want. I live in southwest Michigan, and was born and raised here. I just turned 19 on June 18th. I'm bisexual, but I would never date a male again so I guess that effectively makes me a lesbian. My family has always been in the lower class, money wise. My mother was on welfare the entire time my brother and I lived with her and both my parents dropped out of high school and are now general laborers.

Family-wise, my parents are divorced and have been so since I was 5. I lived with my mom, Grace, and her various boyfriends until I was 12. There was a big custody battle and I ended up with my dad, Jeff. I have been with my dad since 2002.

I quit school in 2007, at the beginning of my senior year. I've always had a 3.7 GPA, I was just going through some struggles at that time (and I'm a quitter, I admit it). However, I got my GED not long after.

I currently still live with my father and my brother, Steve. I don't have a job, but I've been looking. My dad is laid off but my brother has a job.

My girlfriend's name is Julie but I actually call her flag most of the time. My ultimate plan is to move to Belgium with her in a few years. Not sure how that's gonna happen yet, but yeah.

My life is basically Metallica at the moment. I listen to them all the time, watch videos, look at pictures, and generally obsess over them. Cliff Burton has inspired me to start learning the bass. I got a bass for my birthday and can already play a few songs on it.

I do listen to other artists though. Iron Maiden and Morning Musume/Hello!Project mostly.

I also play Guitar Hero/Rock Band almost religiously. I have been playing since April 2007. I have some videos up on youtube somewhere, but I'm a bit lazy to go looking, so if you're really interested in watching let me know.

I don't watch much TV/movies, but when I do, I prefer comedies. Lately I've been into the series "Penn & Teller's Bullshit", which debunks several scams. I think it's in its 7th season. It's an informative show that puts things in a funny manner (not to mention has lots of naked people just because it airs on Showtime).

Other interests include lolita clothing, webdesign, and graphic design.

I like debating too. I tend to lean on the liberal Democrat side of things politics-wise, though I try to examine each issue individually from both sides and come up with a solution (so I could be considered moderate). Also, I am an atheist.

Uh... That's all I can think of now. If anyone has any questions, feel free to leave a comment in this post or something. Haha.

fire

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

our apartment is on fire so if im not around for awhile thats why

nvm they put it out

eta: dad said some kid was smoking and his dad came home for lunch and caught him and the kid tried hiding the cigarette in the wall without putting it out first

lolwat

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I just went on a walk for like.. a half hour? to that circle place that has no houses built in it. I thought I'd have a place to walk on my own, and maybe jog a little and take some pictures if I was feeling ambitious.

I was wrong. I counted at least six people, one of which I tailed all the way back home because she lives in the apartment below me. One was a kid asking for a beer from their ever-loving bike companions, who so helpfully called me a fat ass. Thanks for that information, drunken kid. I'm sure I couldn't have figured that one out on my own.

tl;dr: I got a few pictures and realized it wasn't worth trying to get out and see nature/exercise. I'd rather be inside on the computer being the loner fuck I am. Yeaaah.

ETA: Wait a second, Steve is staying with 11-year-old mentality girl? What the shit.

trapped

Tue, 12 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I'm feeling trapped at the moment.. like I can't go anywhere. Before this, I always had the comfort of knowing I could move to gramma's if things ever got bad. But coming back from her house, it's painfully obvious that she didn't want me moving there. I hinted around moving in and was shot down every single time. That's a scary thought. I have only here to be, and I got in a huge argument with dad yesterday about moving my computer into my bedroom. It's fucking sickening and I feel trapped. Same fucking routine, every single goddamn day.

Anyway, I'm not a happy person atm. I have a headache and came out into the living room, hungry. All I could think about was how much I wanted those last corn dogs in the fridge. And, of course, someone ate them. Fuckers. I should slap them.

/rant

one

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I guess I'll use this time to say that more tickets for Grand Rapids Metallica concert in Nov turned up on ebay, but as usual they're at scalper Fuck You In The Ass prices. And as usual, I've been far too lazy to actually go to the temp service and get a job. Supposedly Steve and Danny are moving out soon, which means less drain on our resources. They were like, "It'll cost us 175 combined to live at the Roadway Inn, and dad's gonna try to charge us 200 bucks combined!" And I was thinking (but I didn't say because hell, I want them to move): "Yeah? Does that include fucking food and gas?" They're pretty... dumb. They aren't realistic about money.

The entry where I ramble on about crazy conspiracy theories

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0500

Every person who is a fan of H!P has their own crazy conspiracy theories. It’s impossible to be a fan without thinking that there’s something going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about. A big example of a recent one is “What happened to Goto? She just quit? She HAD to have motives. Maybe she wasn’t happy with the management. Maybe it was because of her brother. Maybe it was because she had a man.” Everyone has their own idea of why Goto quit, and theories about her coming back as well. Another big one I can think of is “Where is Aibon now and did she purposely sabotage her way out of H!P?”

But I’m not here to talk about those. I couldn’t care less to talk about those. This is the person in question for today:

Miki Fujimoto. She’s a very cunning woman, and I’d like to say I think she’s too cunning. I think she had a plan to get her solo career back this entire time.

Imagine being a young teenage girl who has a passion for singing and wants to break into the market (I know, hard to imagine, but bare with me). You’re pretty desperate. You notice that Morning Musume is having an audition very soon. So, you practice your favorite song over and over, and the day comes where you must audition. You do your best, but they don’t call you back for some time.

You’re understandably pretty depressed. Until one day, they call you back and tell you they want you to be a soloist! You’re psyched. You couldn’t ask for anything better. You give your 100% in every song, and get used to being a soloist. You put out a few singles, maybe an album, and catch on to the business very well. You’re on top of the world.

One day, Tsunku calls you and says he needs to have a meeting with you. He tells you that he thinks it would be a good idea right now for you to join Morning Musume. But… had you not been good enough to be a soloist?
You’re understandably pretty pissed off. But you know that if you don’t accept his offer, you’ll be fired. Although it’s taking a step back, you think this will only be temporary and will do better for your career in the long run. Tsunku knows best, right?

A year passes. Another year passes. 4 or 5 years have passed and it’s becoming glaringly obvious that Tsunku never meant for this to be a “temporary thing”. You start to formulate a plan. Tsunku put you in a group with your best friend and you want to join that permanently and quit Morning Musume. You wait it out, make sure that this group is going to be a permanent thing, and then, you make your move.

You call up a couple of paparazzi and make sure that everyone will see you with your boyfriend. When the news comes out in the papers, you act surprised and quickly resign. You know that H!P needs you, so this plan cannot fail.

You wait it out. Finally, Tsunku says that he wants you back in Hello!Project. He does you one better than your best-friend-duo. He offers you your solo career back! Great! Your plan has worked. Happily ever after.

Now, I would have nothing against Fujimoto doing this. The only thing that pisses me off is the exact same thing happened to Yaguchi, and we have yet to see anything but Uta Doki and a few MC performances from her. Definitely no single, definitely no album. Why the hell is Yaguchi being shafted while Fujimoto is being rewarded? Oh well. Tsunku’s mind works in mysterious (and sometimes faulty) ways. I guess there was just no demand for Yagucchan. ;__;

moving to a private journal

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

I AM MOVING TO A DIFFERENT JOURNAL.

People that can have the URL and will be readded:
exoticdisco, jupernia, raspberrysyrup, theonlydale

I will keep this journal still alive for memories and so I can read my friends lists' entries.

If you have anything to say to me about this or any other issue, feel free to comment as I will be checking it occasionally.

PS: you can thank AJ for this! That scumbag decided it was a good idea to let Amanda (someone I ranted angrily about) use his account. Said drama had NOTHING to do with him, he just thought it was proper to let someone I purposely removed read my LJ. Classy, huh?

THE WORST FUCKING SMELL IN THE WORLD

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Seriously. This is the worst smell in the world.

Imagine murdering a man, smearing him in shit, pouring nasty, far outdated milk in his rotting corpse and pissing in his mouth. Then imagine dragging him around the house, all the fluids getting into every nook and cranny of the house.

Everyday at 4:30pm, I am woken up to this horrendous smell. I do my best to cover my nose with the blankets while rolling over and trying to get back to sleep (to no avail). Around 5pm, the smell has sunk even into my blanket and I am forced to breathe through my mouth as I scurry to open up all the windows.

This process takes about 10 minutes and if I dare get one little particle of that smell in my nose I literally begin to throw up in my mouth (like I did just now).

It's snowing and the porch is covered in snow but I run over to the window and press my nose up against it just to get some fucking fresh air smell. God hates me for not giving me a stuffy nose through all this. I'd rather get sick and die than continue to smell this horrible fucking smell. Correction, I'd rather put a fucking BULLET through my head than continue to smell this smell.

I have to do my best for hours on end not to breathe through my nose because it smells so sickening.

The only options are a gas mask or to move out. Dad said that he would rather move out then continue to smell this shit, so I suppose that's what we'll be doing.

google encourages stalking

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

By googling my phone number not only did I find my Dad's name, but I also found our address and a fuckin' map to where we live!

Good thing about apartments: it didn't show which apartment building we live in, so it would be impossible to actually track us down.

Anyway, I used gaminglagoon to get myself 1600 Microsoft Points. I can't believe it actually worked, haha... I bought Puzzle Fighter which is a pretty fun game, and kept 800 points in case a game comes out that I want to buy RIGHT away. <33

Documenting the lulz

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

This man has the nerve to call *ME* a fat loser.

I'm keeping this entry public so anyone who was or wasn't involved can read about it, and take the screenshots how they want to take them.

What happened was, fazeshot decided to post a thread regarding subbing Gyaruru's "Boom Boom Meccha Maccho" PV. However, he refused to bare in mind the following things:

Gyaruru is not H!P
The only lyrics that could be found were romaji
No one would probably be interested

Sure enough, there were only a few replies and no one was interested. Because we didn't want this to end up like jphip fansubs, SacredCultivator (the guy who runs Hello!Fansubs basically) made the decision that it would be best if that project was dropped.

Bare in mind fazeshot is the one who paid for the domain and supposedly started H!F (this should have nothing to do with it, but read on.)

Fazeshot goes basically apeshit with his first post (click here for a screenshot)

Seems like an elitist and stupid "rule" you have going there but sure w/e you lack interest in the project because it lacks "H!P fanboys rejoice here" stamp on it.. i understand... regardless of it being stamped with H!P or not its still in affiliation in my eyes but w/e I'm just the one who payed outta my pocket for the domain name and whatnot as well as sparked the interest in what is now H!F I have no say though none... I might as well just demote myself to Group: Noob, But Oh well thats how it's been since the beginning even when I was active. Honestly I just gave up because you always wanted to run the show so run it man I don't give a shit hence why I don't bother to go outta my way to help you guys with releases. You just pushed me outta the way and basically say "This is sacred's H!F" when I was the one who started the damn thing and was the one you talked to when we decided structure of the thing and you were assigned co-leader until you just totally tried to take over and make this yours... That's why I make no effort to help because I feel like u did nothing but shove me of my position which has always annoyed me and haku very much shit, when I was still active u denied haku a chance to help encode when he was one of the founding members BEFORE you!.

Oh yah and don't delete my post because i'm not in the mood to be "pushed aside" again.

So w/e call the shots big shot

(editor's note: this post was added in 10 minutes after the rest) Look sacred your a cool guy and all but i'm sorry I just had to tell my whole stance on the thing that I've thought for a while and kept under wraps for a long time.. yes I know u are the one who recruited a shitload of members and whatnot but still I should still have a majority say in things and not just be shrugged off as something less than a member

This was my pissed off response, which caused both SacredCultivator and I to be banned (click here for a screenshot)

[edit] Bare in mind this post was made before your little last line edit.

Sounds like a lot of pent up anger. Let me just say before I begin to write my response that I will always support SC and his decisions with H!F because he's definitely the one who does mostly everything around here. Now let me respond to each point.

The group is called HELLO!Fansubs if you haven't noticed. That tends to mean that everyone in here is interested in subbing Hello!Project. No one was even interested in the project and we understand that you'd like to suggest it but unless you're going to be doing most of the work yourself, you can't expect everyone to immediately want to jump on it just because you have "LOL POWERS" or "LOL AUTHORITY" or "LOL LEADER". This is a group effort and you don't really seem to realize that.

You paid out of your pocket? What, $20? We're very thankful and all but paying a couple bucks for a domain name and webhost does not give you supreme authority or rule, bud. I could just as easily have done the exact same thing for H!F and even offered to do so WITHOUT expecting anything like authority in return (or "This is awesome! You guys should totally bow to my will because, you know, I spent IN REAL LIFE MONIES"). You aren't doing ANYTHING with the domain and I've been doing most of the web maintenance. Bare in mind that it would be just as easy for us to buy another name and for me to set it up, because I'm sorry but I'm a hell of a lot more dedicated to web maintenance than you seem to be.

As for sparking the interest in H!F, 1) I don't really think there's a lot of "interest", no more than my own personal subs (only a few people have joined) and 2) if anything sparked any interest it's the releases themselves, not your "hard work" in "promoting" H!F.

What the fuck have you done around here? Timed once or twice? SacredCultivator has been putting so much of his free time and effort into making sure this doesn't end up dead like jphip fansubs. You don't give him ANY respect WHATSOEVER even though he tries his best to make this the best damn fansubs group out there. He always tries to be nice and make well informed decisions and you barge into this place as if you are some sort of fucking big shit because you happened to have a few extra bucks to dish out on an (unneeded) domain.

You don't bother to go out of your way because you DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HELLO!FANSUBS. Starting it means nothing if you don't continue through with what you have started. I don't see you leading the pack or even attempting to, I don't see you doing research about what kind of projects to start up (this was a hopeless one to begin with because there were no lyrics anywhere and it wasn't even H!P), and I sure as hell don't see you donating the kind of (PRICELESS) time that SC does around here. You're rarely online according to him and only show up when you want something for you.

Lol, wanna know something funny? We don't need you, fazeshot.. because no matter under what name, there will always be translators, timers, encoders, and etc that will see through your falsity and create a new group with us. If we did create a new group, the only thing that would change is the name because you sure as hell haven't been doing anything around here.

Using your so called "leet owner powers" only makes you look like an asshole. I had no opinion of you before this post, but as I'm sure the other members can see, you truly are the definition of "inflated self importance".

This is SacredCultivator's response, still being nice for some reason (click here for a screenshot)

Nah I am not going to delete your post.. I am going to leave it and have other members comment upon it...

And I will be nice about this...

First off, YES you did start up the Idea of the Group, I will give you that. Yes you did pay for a domain or whatnot BUT you have to keep in mind about this... I was quite against it in the first place... As I didn't want ANY money invested into this Group which is why if I am not mistaken had a FREE forum which WORKED for us... No members had complaints about it... Take careful note.. After we made the move.. what happened? Bam members didn't even sign up (We have a few refusing to re-register on here, and I try to keep in touch with them via messenger)... No I am not saying it is necessarily your fault for this, as you were doing what is best for the group.. but again I warned and said 'moving' can lead to problems and provided JPHIP as the best example.. and even now we are trying to resurrect it...

Go out of your way... hmmm.. yes int he beginning you two were active... And for Encoding... yes Haku offered to help as Encoder, but I subbed in because I have already had experience and if I am not mistaken Haku pointed out that he was still learning... In the end I am Global Encoder and we have had no problems thus far, I mean Sukebei is Global Encoder as well for H264/ projects he solo's on... No I am not necessarily pushing you the Founder and Haku aside... You gave up far too early... As I will say, you didn't really comment upon projects that were brought up, only one is the Reina DVD, which we are still working on as I got a new translator to help work on it. After that Project, you fell silent... And I DID contact you MANY times and you just never responded.. and when you did.. you still put the work aside...

Ex.
-Asked you to become affiliates with another Forum (You said I'll let the webmaster know...) Emmm yeah.. still don't see that site on the FrontPage so I kindly asked Amber to do so and she did so immediately (On another Front Page though, as it seems there are some problems with ours that whens he updates it is all screwy, and she doesn't want to go through the trouble to mess with it){You can ask Amber about this as yeah she offered to help out updating the frontpage as you said you would but didn't really and I gave about a week}

Also... I really hate to bring this one out on ya, but since you took this to that level.. You and Haku wanted to start up H!A... And you two were quite into it.. but seems you had trouble getting members right? Yeah this is where i was gonna say how I brought in most of the Members into the group, but read your edit, so I respect that in you.

But yeah I honestly didn't mean to 'shove' you aside... But the intention of this group was Hello!Mornings right? Hence the Hello!Fansubs.. So I felt it would only make sense to do H!F related Media, it isn't an 'elitist' move.. it makes logical sense... And seeing as to how even though Tsunku is the only affiliation between H!P/Gyaruru, I still feel that it is it's own thing... I still respect you for bringing up such a magnificent idea even though it took a turn and did other things apart from H!M's but have to realize the Translators come and go and sometimes they have their mind set on other thigns than H!M's and I have to respect that as they are the Translator and as I have various experience with other groups (Anime doesn't count in this sense as I think they do things much differently than live drama's/ whatnot) so I sort of have an understanding as to how crucial Translators are to groups so I give them as much 'lax' time as possible so they are not pressured in anyway.. Although I do feel sad that I pressured poor aimaime into doing Reina's DVD at a higher priority than his other project >< (Sorries aimaime).

And because of this I don't want you to just completely obliterate this forums or whatnot... So hope we can get in good terms in one way or another... As you know I don't mean to be all 'self-ish' or whatnot, but if I am a 'role-model' for others, and things aren't looking so great, I have to step up and put things in order, so I hope you can understand and respect where i am coming at.

My response and then SacredCultivator's response (keep in mind a lot of stuff has been going on in AIM like fazeshot calling me slut and bitch, which I am not pasting here due to SC's privacy) (click here for a screenshot)

i'm leaving
i don't enjoy being under the "rule" of someone like that
enjoy your aids, fazeshot, you immature fuck (banning SC and I? calling me names to SC over AIM? haha what is this, first grade?)

SacredCultivator's response

Mehs... Amber.... =`( bleh... you know how I feel about this so yeah... arge... so sorries about things... I should've figured something so great takes a fall when it climaxes... I'll miss you... although I'll still be working with ya over at jphip.. but still... things definitely won't be the same and I already told you the reason haha... Mehs..

@faze: Dont' get angry from Ambers comment.. as I told you I respect her that she is blunt the way she is... As it allows one to repair things just like how she came up to me about one of our members and their choice of colors to use, I took care of it instantly and things were solved... Again I really hope you understand the conversation we had via AIM....

Fazeshot showing his maturity, bare in mind I was never "DDoS"ed at all, and later he calls me a "geek" for having protection against it (click here for a screenshot)

You guys are cliquey sp? don't let me intrude on your little "in" crowd lol it seems like u guys are the ones on power trips seeing as U all think what u say goes and thats that.

P.S. amber enjoy the DDOS attacks you pissed off my webmaster so yah... have fun having random ping spikes for a while.. nothing I can do to stop him from that.

SacredCultivator's response (click here for a screenshot)

@faze: Emm we are close as we work together in another group + co-op projects... So yeah... which is why I am able to get along with her.. cause if you can't get along with her.. you are sort of screwed, as you can see from her message...

@Other Staff: Blah.. have fun reading what just erupted... Sorries, my fault for not realizing and confronting faze to sort things out before they got up to the climax...

Fazeshot once again showing his maturity

Oh she impresses me so much believe me actually she sounds like a geek bitch that needs some dickin'

Then he calls me a hypocrite for calling him a dumbfuck (which is not a name so much as it is the truth), and bans me from the forum (click here for a screenshot). My response to this is (click here for a screenshot)

that's okay, 'cause you know, banning me always gets rid of your problem and the counterargument.
at least i say this stuff to your FACE, not behind your back to SacredCultivator.
grow some balls, will you.

Then SacredCultivator makes the extremely mature and wise decision (with encouragement from Sukebei) to move back to the other forums and cut all ties with fazeshot and haku (click here for a screenshot)

Dear Staff,

In regards to the recent event that has occurred, Read Here, I along with a few other members feel it best if we just revert back to the Old Forums which is located Here.

I must apologize in advance for this Constant Moving back/forth... But it didn't occur to me that such an event would take place... So I think it best if we return to the old forums where we were accustomed to.

Although faze had great intentions for the Group in moving, it seemed that move hindered our group a little... And in the case of the recent event a dear member of ours has departed >< and she was quite an essential member to use, agrayrainbow shall be missed =`(

So what does this Move back mean? As some of you might not have realized, fazeshot/haku have been the Original Founders of what is now H!F. But due to how things went they both sort of were 'shielded-off' {I can't be held responsible for that due to the fat I am not a mind reader, so I don't know what is going on unless I am confronted, as in the case with agrayrinbow/gto, which was sorted out immediately when I heard word of it} Apart from that faze/haku took their 'leave' and when trying to contact faze for assistance, he acknowledges it but doesn't do so... It is his way of 'payback, ignoring'... I will not be cruel and post up our conversation we had via AIM, as I am sure you can all get the gist of things from the Thread I referred to in the beginning... The log between faze and I was only shared to 2 close Staff Members that I wanted to get their honest opinion as to what I should do. As those 1 was with me since the start and the other was slightly new but I trust that person.

In the end I feel it is best to go back to the 'past' but this time... Sadly.. I will have to relinquish both faze/haku from the group, as I don't want faze shedding $20 a month for the Server we are using when it wasn't necessary, and don't want them to feel like I am not acknowledging them as they won't be part of H!F anymore so they don't have that strain on them...

PS:
For those that are like WTF and all after the thread referred, and feel you might need to read the Conversation we had, do PM/email/IM me and I will show you...

So in light of these events I understand if the moving is a hassle and if you'd like to continue helping us our at H!F do make the switch on back, and if you just can't handle the mess and feel it best to leave I fully understand and thank you for your assistance in H!F.

I will now be active over at the Old Forums, so any Posts in regards to Projects can be made There, and any replies outside of Projects can still be made here if wanted. As i have already transferred most of which I think is now up-to-date at the old forums.

For the new Members that joined exclusively to this site, please Register at the forums I linked to and I will have you upped to Staff. {I will Email you as well}
Members:
TheProteosAgna
aimaime

LOL UPDATE 1
Fazeshot continues the bullshit, screenshot here

First of the only thing I said to sacred was you act like a fool and a dumbass when I was explaining to him something else. Trust me I would have no problem "saying stuff to your face" its the internet you dumb cunt I know you mistake it for real life because your such a fuckin fat geeky loserbitch but its okay like I said you'll get cock someday.. Until then choke on your own vomit.

Anyway off to study because you know.. some of us people that exist outside the internet have something called a life and don't spend 99% of their time staring at a blank forum and making little pretty Fansubs. GJ you can make karaoke! *clap* wheres that gonna get you in life

OMG I FOUND A PICTURE OF AMBER! Click

I think SacredCultivator is annoyed of this too (screenshot here)

@Faze: Emmm just gonna make my point..

'hypocrite' called Amber one and... you just showed hypocrisies by saying 'GJ you can make karaoke! *clap* wheres that gonna get you in life' ehhh then wtf you arguing about being 'left-out'?

We all have a life... Without it.. you'd be dead.. come on common sense tells you that... Right? It just depends on how BUSY one's life is... And Being BUSY with Fansubbing is still a Life...

I don't know why you make things worse...

Ignore my own hypocrisies here but it is to just make my point as you don't realize it..

Okay.. as you said, 'Anyway off to study because you know.. some of us people that exist outside the internet have something called a life and don't spend 99% of their time staring at a blank forum and making little pretty Fansubs.'
Really? Then why did you shed the extra minutes of your 'life' finding Ambers picture?
Blank forum.. get real... In the beginning I already KNEW our forums wouldn't be active in terms of the Public, we use the forums to discuss projects not for the Public per say, although that is a plus.

And to end it all... Requoting you, 'GJ you can make karaoke! *clap* wheres that gonna get you in life', then why the f' did you create H!F? Please... just because you are out of H!F now.. you show this side of yourself to make yourself look that much worse... And ouch.. How dare you say that about Fansubbing, alright now go to some well known Groups that sub and say that to them... I can just about Guarantee you that most of those Fansubbers have a much busier life than yours and still get by with fansubbing.

Heck again... If you have such a 'great/busy life' outside of the internet.. why do you bother Replying back?

One can go on and on about this and in the end no matter which way anyone sees it... In terms of argument... you have lost...
^You can argue back and forth, but heck as the Members see it, you really lost....

As sad as I am to say all this... ouch... Just ouch at what you made of this...

EDIT:
Deleted her.. oh nice... can't handle her arguing with you huh? Ouch yet again ><

Deciding not to fuel the flame, though he's a lulzcow it's getting old and he's running out of lulz saying the same thing over and over again (screenshot here)

I already have a boyfriend, love. Googling "geeky fat girl" won't find my picture, btw. ;D

"your such a fuckin fat geeky loserbitch but its okay like I said you'll get cock someday.. Until then choke on your own vomit."

Keep making yourself look like a fool, I'll just keep screenshotting all of your dumbass posts.

My original post obviously hit way too close to home for you, so you, like the script kiddie you are, upon finding out that you couldn't "leet hax" me, you fell back to trolling. Horrible trolling at that, trolling is supposed to inspire hatred and anger in your subject, and it just inspires my pity for you. I really do feel sorry for you, Internet Tough Guy, but until you close down these forums I will continue to respond to you in a mature way-- something you obviously are incapable of.

Also, deleting me is not going to work... closing your ears and singing "LA LA LA" and looking the other way isn't exactly the mature way to handle things either.

And this is relevant so I figured I'd throw it at the end: an empty threat (nothing has happened) by Fazeshot through PM (click here for a screenshot)

Hey cunt touch the forums again and me and the webmaster can ddos ur net into submission

Number one example of a bipolar's

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

NOTE!:
Most complaining in this post is based around my own selfishness and being jealous of FRIENDS and a VIDEO GAME.
I mean, seriously. Who gets jealous over a VIDEO GAME? not to mention FRIENDS?!

I'm not going to do a writing prompt today because I'd rather talk about my day for once.

I woke up around 1am to 2am..ish. Talked to Matt because today was going to be my day with him, we were gonna play Yahoo! Graffiti but we never did (we ended up playing other things and played Graffiti the day before). I tell him I want to play Gears, even though I had been waiting for Dale to get on I figure I waited enough and that we should go play.

I go to make a match and then Matt says someone else is joinable. He said I might not want to join it because it's Shep's game but I said "I don't fucking care", realizing that Dale was supposed to be over there I figured they were split screening or something. Little do I know, Dale's on another username. Without any sort of notice to me.

So obviously I'm getting really upset, not pissed, upset. On Escalation I said I wanted a sniper, and then the next round LinX took one..

I literally started crying..
..over a sniper getting ganked.

Yes, it might seem like that on the surface but there was so much happening at the moment that just pressed down on me. The compounding of:

Waiting for Dale only to see that he was in a game already and didn't even bother to tell me the username he'd be using much less send me an invite
Dale paying absolutely no mind to me (see NOTE at the top)
Not being able to win and I'm a poor loser (it's literally impossible with their laggy ass connection, not to mention that many hosts on one team)
Having a really bad day
Getting actived down all the time
LinX taking the sniper

All that just made me cry and actually feel like dying, like most every day anyway. So then I was fed up, so I left (the final move on me was me getting actived). Then they have the nerve to say I think she's mad and send me a message why'd you leave?.

I then went to go spend the rest of the night with Matt. Damn, was the rest of the night fun! He really made me forget about being upset, haha. First we played Command & Conquer 3, which I beat him at as I usually do, but he didn't complain or anything. We just talked most of the time and such. After playing C&C, we played Gears. This was the most fun part of the night.

We decided to go 1 on 1 after seeing that no one really wanted to join. I kept shooting his head off (we were sniping against each other) and then he said something like maybe I'm LETTING you win which caused me to start to let him win. XD

When I was trying to snipe Matt's head on the next match, we were talking about food and I said something like "I'll eat any meat as long as it has turkey on it!" I meant to say barbecue sauce. A second passed.. and then Matt said "What?" and then I started laughing SO HARD because I sniped his head but at the cost of looking really, really stupid. On this match though, we just messed around a lot until someone actually joined. His name was freakin' slicedogg. We had a conversation like this..

Matt: Who freakin' names their Xbox Live profile "slice dogg"?
Me: Apparently a lot of people, because he had to put numbers after it.

Laughter ensued. Then, on Gridlock, all sorts of people joined. The most notable being HOWHI (pronounced Howie), whom we kept joking was our best friend (we laughed at his name for SO long), Brian2893832 (then I made a joke about them being in a boy band together), and Man on Crack420 who proved that he was really on crack by being a shitty sniper and inevitably losing the round for us all the time. Next match, on Canals, we made a SUPER TEAM!:

HOWHI
Man on Crack420
winter twilight (me)
MobCityMANNG (Matt)

We were in private chat the entire time and I don't even think they had mics, but it was fun as hell. It was rather close too. We were up against two super evil guys with guests (one being MightyMouse-- by this time, we were joking how all the freaks come out at night). Whenever the guest would active me down, I'd just boot him haha. That round ended up being 7 to 7, until Man on Crack420 proved to be a valuable asset by winning it for us!

We were laughing 98% of the time and I laughed so hard I cried, and laughed so hard I snorted a few times. But after Canals I could tell Matt was getting drowsy and sure enough he said he wanted to go to bed, so I said goodbye and joined back to Shep's game.

Big mistake.

I got in a message-argument with Dale again, which started off with me APOLOGIZING, then taking the blame for any argument caused. I'd rather take the blame all the time than have an argument. I didn't talk a lot, I recall only talking 2 or 3 times, and that was to RuRaK or LinX (both of whom were definitely high). RuRaK said some pretty nice things about me so I was happy, but of course the connection was laggy and also I wanted to go Locust and they pushed Start before I could.. so I just left.

Mostly, a very mixed emotion night, but I think the good times outweighed the bad times. Just thinking back at it makes me laugh. I definitely gotta do this way more often.

A lot to touch on.

Wed, 16 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Venture to Amanda's new house

I went to Amanda's house yesterday (or was it the day before?) and exhausted myself a little. Her computer is really running nicely and I can't say I'm not jealous. I'm also trying to join the card game Genki Beam so I have something to do when I'm bored. I want Amanda to make me a layout for it, considering she made a really cool one for herself, I want her to use that code to make me one too. Whether she will or not, time will tell...

Tsuji is replaced in Gyaruru

Apparently Abe Asami (Abe Natsumi's sister) is replacing Tsuji in Gyaruru. I can't say I'm disappointed: I like her and I think she's cute, but I definitely would've preferred Tsuji.

Changed Xbox username

Some big news: yesterday I changed my name from heartkill to TheOnlyAmber (echoing TheOnlyDale, TheOnlySam, TheOnlyDavid, TheOnlySheep, etc.) Rurak also changed his name from x3 RuRaK to TheOnlyRuRaK and richardkills claims he'll change his name to TheOnlyDick (the best one out of them all!) But because of this, my online stuff broke and I will have to resign up sometime.. I'm too lazy to now.

Boasting on Guitar Hero II + achievement points

I finally finished all the songs on Medium on Guitar Hero II with 5 stars. That, and getting another achievement, boosted me up to +1000 achievement points, finally. It's great to be in quadruple digits.

Bedtime

I've also been going to bed way earlier which may have something to do with my dad being home this week to make sure I'm not going to bed too late.. I've been getting really tired around 11:30pm or so, and I feel kinda bad because Dale always is disappointed (yet that makes me feel wanted!).

School

Also, I finished "To Kill a Mockingbird" (which ended up being a good book) and my Econ study guide (2 weeks early) so I won't have much to do in school. There will be a Battle of the Bands also this Saturday but since Xbox.com says there's a "sunrise-to-sunset Gears of War-a-thon" I might do that instead. I haven't decided... Also I had to sign up for College Accounting, a class I took just to fill the semester, because it was being run by LMC. All this school stuff is a little confusing but at least there will be an "activity day" on the 25th (probably because the following Monday is Memorial Day which we get off). I will kick ass at DDR and GHII. :D

My Dad is Wise (and update on broken xbox

Sun, 13 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

My dad is wise. When I told him about David, he said "Love is a strong word, it isn't one that you should just be throwing around.." and he was right.

Too bad David didn't have a father like I do. David decided that since I was giving him attention that he'd go out with me. Apparently I'm the "first girl that gave him attention and he jumped the shark" on the relationship. Needless to say, today he broke up with me. I'll admit, I was upset at first, only to realize that I didn't really care about a half hour later. Why? There will always be others. I'm not talking to David again, I'd rather I forgot that embarrassing part of my life (I told my FAMILY for Godssakes, naturally I was pretty serious about him!).

I kept bitching at him and he kept telling me not to hurt his feelings, but he hurt mine and I wanted to hurt his back. Call me childish, but that's the way I felt. We aren't talking again. I will leave any matches that we both happen to join, and have blocked most forms of communications-- I'm not the type of person who can just "forget it and move on".

Anyway, about the Xbox 360. We went to Best Buy to exchange it under the Best Buy 30-day guarantee, and it worked pretty fine. We dealt with some idiots, but what do you expect? It's Best Buy. The most trouble we had was I forgot Gears of War at Amanda's house and had to go get it.. then I showed it to him on the monitor. He's pretty foolish, he didn't even know how to turn on the controller.. then again, someone in front of us told us that they were turning theirs in because the "controller wouldn't be recognized by the XBox 360". Amanda's wouldn't be recognized on mine either, that's why we had to learn how to reassign controllers to different Xbox 360's. . . apparently that guy just got a new 360 for his lack of knowledge. Haha..

Also, something funny: they told Dad to wait in another line.. and then they told him to go back to the line he was in before. He got so pissed that he didn't go AROUND the belt-pole-barrier thing, he ripped it out and walked right through it when it went flinging at the dumb customers. Lmao.. The person who was exchanging our Xbox (the dumbass thought that we were returning it-- why would we return it and buy a new one?) looked at the customers it flung at and said "Are you okay, did it hit you?" And one of the guys said sarcastically/in a funny manner "It hurt me :(". It was pretty hilarious, so it was hard trying not to laugh.

I have to redownload everything but it looks like I'm not going to have to buy them again. I'm thankful.. I'm also thankful my dad comforted me when he came home and I was crying over David, and I'm glad that he took me to the store and put up with the idiots for me. Although this is Mother's Day, I really think that dad should get more recognition as a great father.

woo

Sat, 08 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

I'm prollly moving to mah crazylife 'cas christine and nIk~nIk are dere... and they let you use stylez!
THEY'RE WAY BETTER THAN LIVEJOURNAL!
runs

Allison, Mikayla, and Steve

Thu, 06 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

"Techno would keep me up all night and day cleaning." ~Allison

Yesterday evening steve's condition was so bad that he had to go to the hospital. We stayed there for so long that was too tired for school and dad didn't care.
Because he was at work when we took Steve to the hospital. His girlfriend (Allison, who we might be moving in with) brought us there. Us as in her 6 year old child Mikayla and Steve. Mikayla's the kewlest 6 year old lil girl I've ever seen!
WHoO HoO.
XP

Oh and P.S.~ I got a CrazyLife! I won't be using it (only to comment) but if you wanna check it out you can!

stupid mom

Mon, 29 Jul 2002 12:00:00 -0500

Time: 10:32 pm.
This isn't fair. I'm happy for the Nicest Person In The World, Yuna, but it isn't fair that she has a paid account.
I'm steamed.
I've been wanting a paid account forever now!

Time: 9:52 pm.
Okay, time to YELL AND SCREAM!
If you don't like swearing, don't read on.
GRR! When it was my birthday, I got .. about 5 comments wishing me happy birthday. My mother didn't even come to see me on my birthday! And Yuna gets a million and one comments on her lj! And even a present! You know how bad I felt when my mother didn't visit me on my birthday? You know how even worse I felt when I didn't get barely any recognition!! yer_own_names doesn't barely recognise me either.
I always do things around my house and no one ever gives me anything.
WHY?
I've been through so0 much shit in my life you people don't even know! By the time I was 12, my parents had devorced, I had to go to Child Protective Services, and I had to testify in court!
How does THAT sound? Hmm? I'm not all peaches and cream like I look and sound!
This isn't fair! But I know at least one person is going to comment : "Hun, life isn't fair." You know what? To that person who comments that: FUCK OFF!
You know what? To the world: FUCK OFF!
To my mom: FUCK OFF!
To the people who can't recognise: FUCK OFF!
Everyone whos been through shit in their lives would know where I'm coming from. I used to cry and cry myself to sleep every night! How do you think I felt when my mom got arrested on my brothers birthday? How do you think I felt livin in the heights! Those damned people poisoned our dog and killed him!
My moms boyfriend (now husband) is really REALLY abusive! But lucky I'm living at my dads. But it doesn't matter, I fight with my dad too!
Why can't anyone understand where I'm coming from? It makes me super depressed.
I'm not going to kill myself.
I can live on.
I always go through this shit.
I am strong.
But am I strong enough to live through this? Should I see counsiling? I've already had to see counsiling because of my mom. Whats up with that? My moms a drunk, and so is her husband. Whats up with that? My dad still has child support coming out of his check going to my mom when my moms not supporting us: he is. Whats up with that?
The world can be incredibaly cruel! Whats up with that?
I feel like crawling in bed. ._.
I've already given myself a headache.
And another thing: we're very poor! My dad keeps saying "As soon as we start getting money..." but I know thats NEVER going to happen! We will always be poor!
I'll probably die from lack of food!
So whats up with that?
.....Why? Theres so much I want to say.. yet lack the words to say it.
And another thing: I haven't even had a crush or boyfriend! And I'm 12! I must be a weirdo or something!
I know I'm a weirdo.
......
What about my moms boyfriend with his 9mm and his crowbar? What about him beating up my mom and I?
What about me going to 14 different schools?
What about me moving 10 times?
What about me always losing my friends when I move?
What about me, always alone because of my life?
What about me, the loner, the weird girl no one wants to talk to?
What about all the people that have suffered?
What about those rich snobs who think they're all that?
What about those people who can get whatever they want, whenever they want?
What about all of those lies that my mom told me to shut me up?
What about my car? Wheres my brand new car that I was promised?
What about that $100 a week my dads paying to my mom for "supporting us", when he is?
What about the FUCKING people who think they've got it bad, when they've really got it easy?
Where's my "happy birthday!"?
Where the fuck did my "happy birthday!" go?!
WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKIN BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT I NEVER GOT?!
What about my brother and I sitting in that child protective area, waiting for our gramma to come?
What about all those tears I cried when my mom said I got her arrested?
What about me being beat?
What about it all?
What about the mom that I never had.. the mom that wasn't there..?

Time: 7:55 pm.
Bored. Another layout change.