Physical Health on needing.space

second day at job thoughts

Tue, 13 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

I'm starting to think the nurse thing is an age issue. the younger nurses seem to be little jerks and the older nurses seem to have enough wisdom to not be little jerks. but yeah lots of "them being little jerk" moments to me today which I won't get into yeesh.

i also learned today that the main part of the hospital has a bad reputation - apparently stuff happened 20-30 years ago and in a small community like this people just… you know. I don't know about BHU though.

first day working at the hospital

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

man... today was a LOT. this week they have orientation for the new hospital i'm working at. i got a job as a mental health technician which i am really looking forward to. the first few days are 8-4 basically just "classroom", like today was the "everyone talks at you and does PPT stuff" day and tomorrow is the "thousands of computer modules" day. then later in the week they literally give me combat training to figure out how to defend myself i guess? and restraining too if i need to.

another job offer (mental health tech)

Mon, 22 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

so, I got another job offer. and the offer letter is signed & accepted which is nice. they do have mandatory drug testing which is kinda like duh for this type of position

it is a mental health technician at a local(ish) inpatient hospital. it is locked down, but it is part of a bigger hospital system/not a standalone. I will be working PRN/scheduling myself 3 days a week, 12 hour shifts 7am to 7pm. I am allowed to take more hours if I want. the pay isn’t great but that’s fine because I have really really been wanting to get into mental health.

I quit Dominos

Thu, 16 Oct 2025 12:00:00 -0500

I quit dominos halfway through the shift. Absolutely fuck that shit. My life is too short and valuable to spend it like that.

- first day at dominos
- come into the store at 5pm
- "hey I scheduled you until 12, is that ok?" it is but uhh yeah...
- brought to the tiny office, told that I need to fill out new hire paperwork ON MY OWN TIME. the audacity. I've never had a job do this, even McDonalds.
- manager doesn't go over literally anything. doesn't even show me how to clock in and out. doesn't go over all the other new hire stuff I would expect either. literally just takes my license, gives me a shirt and hat, and shoves me with some other guy
- "we called in someone for today to train you"
- i was expecting actual training modules on a computer but ok
- guy is absolutely awful at training. goes to show that being good at the job doesn't mean you're good at teaching it
- takes 5 minutes to show me around the store, goes on a single run with me, then leaves (it was his day off!!)
- guy tells me literally everyone working today only has been there a few months
- I'm left on my own to figure literally everything else out
- not even sure who the manager is
- whoever the manager is is also dropping the ball, doesn't tell me to go on breaks or lunch at appropriate times
- as per usual, female coworkers are super chill, the few dudes in there have the worlds largest attitude
- other coworker mentioned "we get 30 cents per mile", I was told 77 in interview
- 30 cents per mile won't even cover my gas and car maintenance
- only get paid $5 (!!!) an hour when on a delivery, then $9 in store (which should be illegal in 2025 ngl. both the tipping loophole and $9/hr)
- they assume you'll make it up in tips
- no one fucking tips. like maybe $2-3 per delivery if I'm lucky, and these are on $40+ orders
- sign on the wall says "NO FREE FOOD FOR WORKERS, NO EXCEPTIONS" which kinda is in line with how cheap they have been, also against franchise rules because anyone working a full shift is supposed to get a lunch
- despite this, see food on the table in the back that's being eaten by group (of course, I am not informed about it)
- expected to wash dishes when no deliveries, but I have eczema on my hands and it's tearing up my hands
- night shift, so people arent paying as much attention, almost get into a few wrecks already
- personally am drained from my medical treatment earlier in the day so I am also low on energy and recognize that it's unsafe for me to be driving
- everyone else is shocked that I am full time, everyone there is part time and says they wouldn't want to work FT
- they wanted me to CLOSE THE STORE MYSELF on my first day. as in, I would be the only driver and then one other person up front closing.
- my manager (whoever that is) doesn't even tell me this
- this place is clearly a shit show
- on top of that all the customers are rude as fuck, probably because rural Texas
- realize literally any other way to spend my life would be preferable to working another 10 minutes there, and that being homeless would be preferable too.
- take their stupid sign off the top of my car, leave it outside, put the cash in the cash box, text the person who hired me a nice "I quit" message informing her of the equipment and cash, telling her to send my check to the address on file
- I would be totally fine with them not even paying me, I'll take whatever few tips I got and call it a wash.

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

Wed, 15 Oct 2025 12:00:00 -0500

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

so I start a new job tomorrow. it’s just a really simple one, delivery driver for dominos. I’m going to continue doing TMS through the next few weeks as well. so, it’s going to be a LOT at first. I’m hoping that I can make it through the first few weeks without getting too burnt out. especially since it’s SO MUCH driving.

mostly just tired

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Hi all. I find myself mostly just tired lately. It’s hard to explain how fatigue inducing TMS has been for me. Really, it’s been the biggest negative side effect, which is hard to push through when there have been virtually no positive effects just yet. It’s three hours round trip every single day for six weeks (200 miles round trip), and I’ll tell you what… I would not be doing this unless I had absolutely no other alternative. Because right now, it is so exhausting. But what is the alternative? Not getting better?

not forgotten about this

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

hey all. I have definitely not forgotten about this blog. My life has just been considerably full of stress the past few weeks. I have some major health stuff going on. Mostly major depression which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s essentially an emergency level. I am going to go through TMS and Spravato soon, which is going to put further stress on our financial situation, which already isn’t ideal. Sigh… I don’t even have the spoons to get into what all is going down with the family situation, either. I will do a proper update soon, hopefully.

why are steno machines like shiny pokemon

Fri, 15 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0500

…or better yet, like trying to find a car during COVID???

I got told by five people last week that they had sold their machines to other people and that they had been swamped with DMs. one of those people was someone who hasn’t even posted publicly, it was just me being referred by someone who had sold their machine and had a coworker looking to sell! @_@

It’s been an actual nightmare trying to find something. I managed to find one, but jeez…

what do i really want

Sat, 09 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0500

ive been asking myself this a lot lately. like I could get into stenography and I would be super good at it, but I think it’s socially isolated. I could go back to school to be a therapist, but that is a TON of schooling. both of those trade offs I’m okay with, but I am just having such a hard time committing to anything.

I accidentally ghosted an interview this week because I was so overloaded with everything going on. it’s stressful to have done something like that :( I’m doing my best but everything is just all over the place…

trying to figure my life out

Thu, 31 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i had therapy today & we basically just talked about how I'm still overworking despite like, not actually actively being at work. i quit my job but now I'm 24/7 looking and applying for jobs. therapist said that i would do well to just set a timer on how long I can be looking for jobs and do it at a specific time of day so I'm not up at 3am looking for and applying to jobs. which yeah kinda. i mean whatever semblance of a schedule i had instantly disappeared the second i wasn't being forced to get up for a 9-5 & now i'm just constantly in "work" mode whether it be trying to find a job, doing chores, or whatever else.

the therapist is also going to send me some mental health exercises to do to try and get me into the habit of like, actually doing shit. she was trying to be like "what gets you excited about getting up in the morning?" and i'm like literally nothing :( i got the depression.

the psych is being awful and refusing to switch me off my current antidepressants that aren't working. last time i had an appt with her she gave the world's biggest sigh when i told her these weren't working and was like "well i'm not doing this anymore so I'm sending you genesight so we can have some kind of clarity on what will and won't work with you." like excuse me? yeah i'm also tired of my depression but try and keep your gigantic sighs to yourself. if you don't actually want to do your job then maybe change to a different profession.

therapist was like "go do ketamine" and i was (jokingly) like "yeah I'll go talk to the drug dealer down on the corner" and she was like "lmao nooo do it legally". i eventually do wanna do ketamine therapy but i can't at the moment (or any time soon) bc I would need a ride back and forth. it's like a 3 hr round trip to get to and from the closest ketamine therapy place & e doesn't drive so I'd need to figure out a way to deal w that. the only person I could think who could give me a ride is kendrick, and I love kendrick but i rlyyy do not want to be stuck in a car w him for an hour and a half while i'm ketamine tripping LMAO.

CVS is being so fucking dumb. we need to switch away from them. healthcare in this country is a shitshow so the closest "preferred" pharmacy is like a 2 hour round trip in that town with the CVS. so elias called and asked them if his meds were in. they said they were. so i did the 2 hour round trip and when i got there they were like "uh no we don't have it in, we don't even have it in our system" which i kinda assumed considering it wasn't available online but like? they are constantly doing this. plus they aren't doing the insurance verification for my T so like??? get your shit together CVS.

likely we are going to move our stuff over to walgreens bc this is a mess. plus CVS has some new thing with our new location that you can't even call & get a pharmacist on the phone anymore!!! like they only let you leave a voicemail no matter what time of day it is, and if ur lucky they will call you back in a timely manner and you'll catch their call. total shitshow. 0/10 they are not getting our money any longer lmao.

i'm doing my best to figure stuff out but it's been so hard lately. it's just... idk. everything is exhausting. how am i feeling even MORE burnt out after quitting my job??? i guess it's bc with my job I could clock in and out and be done for the day but now I feel like i'm constantly "on" with constantly job hunting and the like. i hope that i can find some kind of peace outside of that. the therapist said it was a pretty good opportunity for me to figure out what i actually want to be doing with my day that a lot of people don't get, and i agree. we are totally privileged in that way & i'm very grateful for that. but still, it's exhausting... ugh. me @ myself: get ur shit together please

the timing of opportunities

Wed, 23 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

something funny is, we have looked for a job pretty aggressively for about a year now with very little luck. we quit our job last monday and without any extra effort have gotten invited for two interviews this week. i think that things do play out the way that they are supposed to. maybe some would argue that we needed to have the courage to quit our job before other opportunities would come in.

the interviews are: mental health advocate at a local hospital and also seems like some kind of project management position at a web design firm. couldn't be more diametrically opposed. one is totally profit oriented, remote, pays a lot more, and likely a lot easier, but less fulfilling. whereas the other is not as profit oriented/more mission based, in person, pays not great, and probably harder but more fulfilling.

i still need to follow up with the local hospital one though as they tried to call and we missed it the other day unfortunately.

i got back in touch with my old friend from those days named amy. ozzy just died, and it made me think about the time that we did this variety show with her. we still have the video and wanted to share it with her. she's still living in the same place and still seems as awesome as she always was. i missed talking to her. i hope that we can keep up with talking more.

it's our brother's birthday today, which i guess means our journal archives are officially 23 years old today. kinda wild. he's got a lot of nostalgic thoughts today, can't say i blame him. considering it's his birthday, talking about amy, and also just sharing older pics with him.

by the way, with regards to transcription of old journals: still working on it. we did manage to scan them all in, but OCR doesn't work because of shit handwriting. i'm going to do my best to keep back adding the entries that i have. we have a big blue journal that was a majority of 2022 and 2023. i think 2024 is mostly missing-ish, unless it's somewhere else that i haven't seen yet.

quit my job finally

Tue, 22 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

after dealing with an abusive narcissist for several years, I finally quit my job. yay me :) I would go into more detail, but I think some details are better left forgotten in time. all that matters is that I finally had the courage to do it and am super proud of myself for finally doing so.

raven says I should take the week off and not do any job hunting or chores or anything, but I don't even know how that is possible. like, I was already getting bored today and finally figured out how to use the auto clean function on the oven. i will do my best to try and chill for once in my life though.

health-mental kept auto correcting to my typo from earlier and annoyed the shit out of me but I fixed it. it's 2025, why is shit like this still happening.

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

Thu, 17 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

this journal

there's no way I'm ever going to get this journal completely done if i keep uncovering old blogs and journals. I don't really think i realized exactly how prolific I am. I'm all over the damn internet. i just found an old random alt deviantart account i had that has a bunch of journals still available on there. help...the admin at pagecord, olly, was kind enough to help me import all the dreamwidth entries though at least (whew.) and then wrote a really nice blog entry about it :) thank you olly! customer for life right here.

i may or may not (definitely did) write a reddit post over on /r/digitaljournaling suggesting that people check out pagecord as well. I just randomly stumbled upon it; I believe that the admin of hey.com wrote an article about it…? I already forget. the search engine kagi is really good about unearthing more underground articles like that. i’m about to quit my job in a few weeks, and i told e that i refuse to stop paying for kagi haha. that’s one of those necessary subscriptions for me. google is just such a shithole at this point for so many reasons.

extrovert's hell of my own making

Tue, 20 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

forgot to write for a few days, oh well. had therapy today or, Anastasia did. basically just sat, and talking about the mother and him. i think she keeps forgetting to reference this diary in therapy or whatever. fine by me, as all i do in here is wah wah anyway.

speaking of wah wah, im feeling so lonely lately. i wish there was something i could do about it. most of the time, it feels like genuinely, no one actually wants to be talking to me, or wants me around in general. its such a bummer to feel this way. its really no one’s fault, and actually, ive felt this way my entire life, so its not anything new.

less reliant on the phone

Thu, 15 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i made the baklava tonight. not bad for a first try, but definitely see areas for improvement. annoyingly, the mother said she had the recipe, but that would mean needing to talk to her. no thanks.

it’s funny the amount of chores we are getting done, just from not having our phone, and the ensuing boredom. you don’t realize how much of your time is sucked up by that thing until you stop using it as much.

already feels weird w/o smartphone

Tue, 13 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

’- my new tcl flip came in, the sim card worked out of the box, no thanks to the support person trying to “help” me who was acting like it was her first day on the job. why are they so “hit or miss”?

Already feels weird w/o smartphone, what do you mean I can’t just do whatever immediately
Couples therapy yesterday was fine ig.
Made an amazing cheesecake out of Cortney’s lemons yesterday. now soon to make baklava
work drama happening which tbh isn’t even worth memorializing here lmao
Perpetually sleepy, but sleep doctor hasn’t verified our insurance yet
Danielle is so annoying w/ texting me @ 1am to ask work questions, happy to be switching numbers
There are also trauma reasons for switching that i can’t be bothered to get into
Life is chill for the moment at least for now

cosplay generic guy visiting yosemite

Fri, 02 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

“Yosemite”

The mood this morning was kind of weird. We knew we wouldn’t be coming back to Cortney’s house, and that had some finality? to it. even though we decided we will come back every xmas. Still… Thankfully i remembered about the lemons. Cortney also gave us some of her honey. i want to make baklava when we get back. Seems fitting…

we left the house around 10 knowing full well we would be slower than them haha. we were going to stop @ target but there was a mixup, so we went to popeyes instead, and i paid $5 a gallon for gas for the first time in my life haha

mental health is at an all time low

Tue, 17 Dec 2024 11:00:00 -0600

yet another journal to abandon when I am bored

anyway my mental health is at an all time low. Ok maybe not all time, but it’s lower than it has been in a while. most days i feel like it would be better if i was dead. lately, i have even been planning killing myself. i don’t think i can tell anyone about it though. for a lot of reasons. it doesn’t feel like anyone actually cares anyway.

why am i such a coward

Wed, 14 Aug 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Why, in the face of change or adversity, am I such a coward?

I looked up TLC today and it made me feel so bad. Even seeing Duby’s face made me so sick. It makes me feel awful that she is still at TLC. I should have just stayed. I am sure that Hana would give me my job back, or another job, if I emailed, but then I would have to work with Duby and (potentially?) Mikolai and I don’t know how I would navigate that. I’ve been thinking about just calling Hana to see how the company is going or something, but I’m too much of a coward even for that. I know TLC would also be way more work and probably not be fulfilling, but I can’t help but wonder…

life seems so useless right now

Thu, 30 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i think maybe its just cuz of being the emotions releaser, but i feel like i personally always get affected by our dreams the most. i am tired of the dream where we find our old stuff that we lost over the years. that shit is gone and it aint coming back. but for some reason tryin to come to terms with that is too hard.

we keep havin health issues an its mostly annoyin cuz its upsettin elias + them. actually dealin w them is what ever. i mean i guess we dont really care about ourselves anyway

i can't remember shit

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i keep having this like. really annoying problem where i think i'm done w something and my brain is like "yaaay you're done here's the dopamine! check that one off the list :)" and then i only finished it 80% of the way and then someone else comes to me and is like "can you. actually finish that task" it's happening a lot at work which is the exact last place you would want something like this to happen

i stg my adhd will be the end of me... i have meds and everything they just aren't working as well as i might like them to lol. also i have therapy todayyyy i'm going to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and have a temper tantrum bc i hate therapy lmao. IT NEVER FEELS LIKE IT'S WORKING even though i'm 100% sure that it's at least doing something

i mean i have a really good therapist. i feel like i'm actually making progress w her, whereas in the past i felt like i wasn't making much progress (the therapist before this was super nice and down to earth but had the tendency to just like, end up talking about politics with me instead of trauma stuff or mental health stuff... it ended up feeling like i was paying someone to be my friend which is even more depressing than just being regular depressed)

ALSO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I NEED TO TAKE MY CAR IN TO THE SHOP TODAY BUT I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME AHHHHH HEEELLLPPP

ok tantrum over i'll go to therapy now

I'm only writing this to check off the Habitica task

Mon, 15 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

This weekend was pretty nice. My friend Kendrick came over to help us out with yard work. Of course, he tried to ask for way less money than he actually deserved, so we gave him more than that. I was out there hauling the wood with him and talking with him for several hours. I told him that we wanted to go fishing with him and his wife, and he told his wife, and they both got super excited. They were especially excited that I had never been fishing before.

I was going to go to Deaf Night Out, but after talking to Kendrick for four hours, my social battery was drained. He is a very nice person, but he is one of those people that just talks for four hours straight. I love hearing about his life, stories, etc, but I didn't have much energy to go drive 2 hours, meet new people, then drive 2 hours back. Especially since Deaf social events tend to be fairly lengthy.

Kendrick did put up a fence for us though, so we can finally just let the dogs out without needing to have them on leashes. It's been about eight months of us only leash walking them in the backyard, so it was super refreshing to be able to just let them run around-- for us AND the dogs. They didn't really like being confined to being chained to us, and they're allowed to roam around more when they're just out in the backyard. Elias and I pulled the outdoor chairs out of the closet and just sat outside for a while. It's actually a decent temperature right now, but since we live in Texas, it's a very short window of decent weather. I'm trying to be outside as much as possible because of that. Every time I let the dogs out, I pull the chair back outside and sit down and watch them.

Other than that, we didn't really do much this weekend. Elias has gotten very heavily addicted to Diablo IV, which is good, because I've been very heavily addicted to Balatro. So we end up just spending a lot of time playing video games while sitting next to each other. It's still a form of spending time together, even though some people might not think so, ahaha.

As for my personal hobbies, still just mostly doing the pirating thing. Can't focus at work, so I usually end up getting distracted with that. I also started using Habitica which is somewhat helping keep me on task but isn't really powerful enough to handle my full ADHD brain. We also installed Debian, which is making a lot of the things we do easier and quicker. Whoever said Linux was more complicated than Windows hasn't actually used Linux, because you can just install things instantly from the command line, and there is mountains of FOSS software on here.

I have therapy tomorrow. I do not want to go to therapy tomorrow. Thinking about it is giving me a headache. Ah, well.

ETA: I fixed up the host's website [adoration.me](https://adoration.me) because it is extremely sloppy and tends to make typos everywhere. The Spotify link is also now working.

it's been a while

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 11:00:00 -0600

hey all! it's been a little while since I updated. the last update I made was just us getting used to the new house. I guess a lot of weird stuff has happened since then.

first off, a friend of mine visited our house for christmas. it was the first time we had ever hosted anyone, and she has limited English because she is from Japan. i think it went well, but afterwards, she pretty much ghosted us. :/ i did send her a message through LINE, but i haven't checked LINE since then. nothing especially dramatic happened while she was here besides her letting our indoor cat out, and that was her fault, not ours lol. we were in pretty consistent contact before the trip, so i'm not really sure what happened. it's sad to lose my friend, though.

elias proposed to me on our anniversary this year! (jan 2) so i'm super happy about that...!

um... well, february is already hard because it's a trauma time for me and elias, but also it's even more hard now because of elias' attempt last year. it's been exactly one year since his attempt, and we are still both trying to come to terms with everything that happened. we are of course both in therapy (we already were for PTSD/other mental health stuff, we have been for years) and that helps. his therapist suggested that we both write letters to each other and then burn them just as a ceremonial way of showing that we are still alive & that's not going to happen again. we plan on doing that this weekend.

i started talking to my mom again. i don't really know why. i haven't talked to her in over a decade. she was super abusive to me throughout childhood. maybe i just wanted some closure...? i don't know. it seems she's "gotten better" in at least that she's not in any abusive relationship and hasn't been for a long time, and she got clean. but she's still a narcissist, just a non-drugged up abusive/abused one. i've mostly just been avoiding my phone, not necessarily just for her but in general.

work sucks as usual. i've been putting my all into it, working 50-60 hour weeks and essentially not getting appreciated. stood up for myself, put down boundaries, was assertive, and was told if i didn't stop being assertive that i'd be fired. so i am just keeping my head down and keeping quiet until i can find another job maybe. for some reason i always end up quitting jobs around the 2 year mark in february, so it's probably more of a me problem than anything, but still. i think it's just because after 2 years you start to see how the company is really mistreating you. they're also super underpaying me and hiring people in at my wage when i'm far up in the company. as for now i'm just regular disengaged though rather than actively disengaged.

anyway, sorry i haven't really been around/updating/commenting. my therapist wants me to get better at journaling, so i'll probably be around more frequently now. she's really helping me with a lot of stuff. her primary focus is polyvagal theory, and she did something that was pretty similar to EDMR in last session. i am going to see her again today. last session she tasked me with writing about my mom, and i just ended up contacting her instead... so i don't know how my therapist is going to feel about that lmao. she's probably going to be fine with it but slightly concerned.

i'll try to reply to the comments i've received and comment on other people's journals a little bit. if i ever disappear, if you see that i haven't been around for a little bit, you can always feel free to comment! and it might prompt me to remember that this exists lol.

trying to get used to new house

Sat, 19 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0500

i am having a pretty hard time trying to get used to the new house. it's just a lot! i love the new house, but trying to adjust to being in a new environment is always a little difficult. i finally got through everything for the most part, and finally it's the weekend, but now i'm just... tired. haha. there's still a lot to be unpacked (emotionally and literally), but i'm doing my best.

we are alllmost done packing already! somehow it's a lot easier to unpack than it is to pack. however, we keep seeing stuff that we need to fix, or upgrade, haha. thankfully elias has been good at saving money, but we are going to have to do sooo much work. the most immediate thing that we have to do is have the fence fixed. or rather, a portion added. the seller just let their dogs run around loose, but our dogs are not loose friendly dogs. they are super friendly i mean, but they both have really bad anxiety, and if they ran into the neighborhood dog or strange people, they'd get really upset. so we need to have them fenced in. there's a couple of other things we need to deal with too (like the water heater not working that well), but for the most part we are done...! i'm super excited for us to be able to finally get fully unpacked.

elias made a comment about how there wasn't much storage in this place, and i was like, PERFECT!!! storage is my favorite thing to buy! my favorite store is by far the container store haha. i told him we have lots of vertical space to work with. we really should get a big pantry for the kitchen for example, and we also need to get some shelving for the bathroom... that's just to start. lots of little projects to be done here, like replacing doors, adding molding along the floor, etc. but thankfully the house is move-in ready so nothing we have to tackle right away!

thankfully the town is super easy and small to learn directionally, so i haven't had to rely on waze much. which is good because waze around here sucks, no one bothers to update it haha. google maps is likely equally as shitty. you just kinda have to learn your way around yourself, old school style. typing in the business can kind of get you in the right location, but you have to look around yourself to actually find it haha. but there are lots of cute little businesses. we went to the grocery store and had a $400 purchase (had to replace everything in the freezer for the second time this summer, but for two different reasons) and the lady there was like "you're definitely going to be my biggest order of the day!" just stuff like that. TONS of ways to shop locally, actually it's more of a pain in the ass to shop at chain stores so that's a nice incentive to shop locally.

the seller had an amazon package delivered. i put it inside, but she asked me to leave it out so she could come pick it up. i left it out overnight and it was gone in the morning along with all of her mail. :( it's not a great look! now i'm worried about porch pirates lol. i'm going to get my Ring doorbell working asap, and then i also rented a cheap USPS box that can hold anything that would be super expensive if i know i can't grab the package right away.

i got an appointment with a new psych because the old one was being awful. i'm pretty nervous though, because i haven't been to a new psych in a few years. it's through zoho too which is... kind of ugh. but the doctor herself seems good! at least from the reviews. i won't know until i actually meet her for myself. but i am on a new med, that the old psych put me on. i'm back on my adderall though so i'm feeling SO much better than before when i had run out.

elias and i both have his mother blocked cuz she is just an awful person in general, but today he got a text from his cousin. turns out his mom gave the cousin his number (huge invasion of privacy?? hello??? this is why we have you cut off, lady) and she was trying to hang out in houston. we had to tell her that we moved up to dallas. she of course asked for a more specific area. i just told elias to lie about the location itself, and he did. the problem is, with his family, if you tell one person something, then the entire family will know. and we really can't have his abusive father figuring out where he lives for a wide variety of reasons.

so much busy

Fri, 21 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

hey! sorry i'm behind on answering comments - life has been super hectic! i'll try to get to them some time this weekend. thank you for your patience :)

TL;DR updates:

house is in very end stages of closing (signed CD today)
brother randomly got legally married? he was planning on a ceremony but not until september. i guess they wanted to get the legal part out of the way
elias had surgery and it was successful, and he is recovering quickly :)
landlord being landlord by asking to show our house the final 30 days so they want 24/7 access to be able to show it... lol.
my mental/physical health are shit right now but whatevs
work is also being shit
that's about it, see ya

everything is busy and i'm tired

Sun, 09 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

apologies for leaving some comments hanging. my life has been a complete busy mess lately lmao. I will get back to them asap, probably on a computer. i think when you read this entry, you'll probably see why i haven't had time hahaha.

i am going to try to put a cut here but it's been broken so i'm sorry if this spams your reading page with a thousand paragraphs LMAO.

tw for suicide ideation/other mental health talk

house update

we got some of the more complicated stuff coordinated like pricing out movers. our house is set to close on 7/31, the old sellers won't move out until august 14, and then we have to be out of this place by 8/31.

unfortunately we have a BABYMETAL concert down here on 8/30 so we are going to need to drive two hours south back to houston from our new place. damn it lol. we have had that booked for months so whatever.

the inspection was successfully completed on friday. we couldn't be at the inspection because we had an doc appointment (more on that later.) nothing too shocking, especially for a house this age. the only important thing is that we have to get the seller to fix the roof, which was already anticipated because anyone with eyes could see that it needed to be repaired or replaced. our realtor Lacy is getting that arranged.

lacy is so good and nice! it helps that she's probably gen z or younger millennial so she kind of understands us better than the other realtor did. we did have a realtor named Paola who we really liked, but she kept taking vacations and we were on a time crunch, so we found one close to the city we are moving. Lacy is amazing! i keep trying to do stuff myself and she's like STOP!! i can do it! lmao kind of like Elias.

in my past marriage I had to handle everything and deal with everything, so when there's something big happening, i just kind of autopilot to handling everything. Elias told me that he wanted to be more involved though and that I was pushing him out of the process unintentionally, which made him feel bad. so i promised to try and not just leap into action and get shit handled like i'm used to doing.

there was a bunch of needless drama that happened re: house loan that i won't go into here, but it's fixed now lmao.

with regards to our current hellish landlord (or rather third party realty company because we Aren't Allowed to talk to the landlord): I sent a written request for repairs both physically and to their email. I detailed every minor issue with the house and explained why they couldn't be fixed by us, or that they were noted in our move in checklist as issues. there are a lot of issues that we can fix ourselves that i left out, but a lot that require professional help. i also once again reiterated that they need to yknow actually provide me with cleaners they want or else i'm going to hire randos.

they are SUPER uncommunicative so i'm 100% sure they are going to not fix anything and then try to take our deposit when we move out, so i am documenting everything for when i inevitably need to take them to small claims court.

btw the tree they fought me about not wanting to trim fell over in the storm and hit the house, it looks like it may have damaged it. poetic justice motherfucker.

update from today: loan officer called me. explained situation with ex, still being married, etc. she says it isn't a problem, but she needs to talk to the underwriter to find out of extra paperwork needs to get filed. i'm going to flip a table if they try to use my ex wife's finances in the equation of the house because she was awful and in a ton of debt.

work

manager being a dickhead as usual. i moved on from a position where metrics matter (got promoted) but she's still trying to pigeonhole me into metrics which is fucked up. also the CEO is being cheap and instead of hiring more labor he just expects the already overworked team to do even MORE. and idiot manager justifies this with "well i have a couple of people hitting 1200!" yeah i can hit that number too if i cherry pick what i work on which is 100% what matters. the median is more important but god forbid they use logic.

instead of even trying to empathize when i basically said it's fucked up to expect overloaded people to work even harder because the CEO is stingy about money, she just sided with the CEO. not a great look for a manager to not be able to validate but explain that it can't be helped. instead just repeating herself like i have a comprehension problem. honey i comprehend you just fine, i just don't agree.

i missed 3 days this week - holiday on the 4th, sick on the 5th, planned doc absence on the 7th. i've been being productive but just in other ways.

physical health

im still working on getting into a sleep study but insurance is dragging their heels and requiring my GP to provide certain "evidence" that a test is necessary. so i emailed him and told him that narcolepsy was happening. like i've been sleeping sitting up and the other day i fell asleep standing up in the bathroom brushing my teeth. but yknow not "medically necessary"

i got off my antidepressant because it was likely the problem. after getting off it it got s little bit better with the sleep but not by much.

it does cause other issues though...

first, i am actually feeling my feelings again which sucks somewhat, but it's nice kind of? i've been in this weird mental fog/zombie state for over a year now and suddenly i'm feeling again which is overwhelming. whew. i have been super good about putting down boundaries though which has pissed a lot of people off because they are used to walking all over me. too fuckin bad lol.

i also kinda got suicidal the first few days i was off of it but i'm feeling better now. just white knuckled it through it and used my support system.

my OCD symptoms are through the roof right now though, so exhausting. back to having to count every second of the day and track what i'm doing or else i have panic attacks lmao.

misc

got my ears pierced again! (lobes) they are super cute.

elias is getting surgery next week (top surgery) i am super happy for him. but it is a tough time to get it lol. it can't be put off though because they're backed up until next year. just that he can't help with boxes or whatever.

i've been able to connect with some old friends which has been nice. i've also been talking more to lyn and hikaru which is nice, as i haven't been talking to them regularly much. and i'm happy for my new DW friends! twitter is going to shit, so i made a discord for my lil fandom i am in, it already has over 60 people lmao.

um that's it, i'll go reply to comments and comment now. ha

mmmm

Sun, 02 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: suicide. comments fully welcome but fully not necessary if you don't know what to say. this is a tough topic. i'm mostly venting.

my husband almost died of a suicide attempt in february. he was in the ICU for a week. i was told on the first night that we wouldn't know if he would make it until the next morning. i was also told if i had taken him in even an hour later, there would have been nothing they could have done.

it was the worst night of my life. i kept it together by his side, but when i got into the car after they took him into the ICU, i couldn't stop crying. i don't think i've ever cried that hard in my life.

our lives are never going to be the same. he's already seeing health repercussions that will last a lifetime. not to mention the trauma it caused to myself and him. i'm very fortunate to have a good therapist who was open to a ton of texts and unpaid time to assist both of us through that time. but the trauma is lasting. i'm still struggling with it in therapy. i don't even know how to scratch the surface.

suicide jokes have kind of hit different since then. and not in a good way. i feel kind of like a grump or buzzkill, but i just can't handle it anymore. it's not cool or cute to joke about killing yourself. better to do it in company that won't be upset by it rather than the internet at large.

food

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: disordered eating

i am on adderall and have been for a long time and it's always killed my appetite but now i'm also on wellbutrin and i'm like!! never hungry!!! it's a real problem

like hearing that most people eat three times a day im like "isn't that a bit excessive?" cuz i only eat once a day... and it's usually pretty small. i'm just like, not hungry. it's extremely bizarre.

i feel like eating more than once a day would legitimately make me sick. the psych suggested to eat before taking my meds and once they wore off in the evening but that's just not convenient enough for me. if i have to eat before i take my meds i'll forget to take my meds lmao. and by the time i get hungry in the evening i'm already winding down for bed

p much the only time i'm interested in eating is when i am cooking because that's a big hobby of mine haha

weight talk

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

tw: sexual abuse/trauma, weight, eating disorders

venting about 600lb life

i really shouldn't be watching 600lb life in the throes of an eating disorder relapse but here we are

i have like, a love hate relationship with the show?

i love to see that the show seemingly goes out of its way to portray fat people in a way that seems to humanize them (at first at least.) they make it very clear from the beginning of the show how much their weight affects their ability to live a normal life and that it's primarily caused by trauma. almost everyone on the show has been traumatized at least once, most of them multiple times, many of them sexually abused

HOWEVER, dr now seems to do like, nothing with this information? the people on the show are always in need of some heavy therapy for their PTSD. but he just throws a pamphlet that says LOW CARB, HIGH PROTEIN, 1200 CALORIES A DAY at them and lists fruits and vegetables and to only eat three times a day and expects them to just... bootstraps themselves out of their eating disorder??? thanks it was useless. i would say 80% of people know why they're fat and a VLCD print out isn't going to help that much.

then he gets pissed off at them and blames them for not "wanting it enough" when they inevitably fail because this diet is just a bandaid for the underlying eating disorder? like dude this is the equivalent of printing a big ass smiley face on a piece of paper that says "don't worry, be happy!" and then telling a depressed person to look at it when they are sad and shocked pikachu when they relapse or never make progress in the first place

like, it makes me mad that the first thing that happens isn't immediate therapy. he only makes the people go to therapy like half the time, and usually 6+ months into their weight loss attempt, IF they are in danger of regaining lost weight (god forbid). otherwise he's just like "there's nothing else we can do for you, you don't want this enough"

i get that he wants to put them on VLCD to fix the immediate negative physical ramifications their weight is having, but can't he do that at the same time as therapy? he also only requires (provides?) one session a month. that is not nearly enough for people with trauma this extreme. the show i watched last night, the woman was sexually abused over her entire childhood and early adulthood by multiple unrelated people and incidents. you can't bootstrap yourself out of that!!

and the drive to houston is super problematic and sometimes straight up dangerous. instead of having them make the drive and sometimes move all together, he should really consider having them do local therapy or teletherapy for X sessions first.

ALSO, sometimes he sends over nutritionists. this should 100% be part of onboarding for every single person on the show, or at least be introduced a few months down the line regardless of their progress. most people on the show scoff at it and ignore it, but i saw an episode the other day where that was a major turning point for the lady because she genuinely didn't realize the stuff that she was eating was high calorie. she was extremely receptive (albeit somewhat embarrassed) and switched out all her stuff to low fat (read: low calorie) and... surprise! she started losing weight.

like, i also don't even know if i like that the show airs out all their trauma on live Tv. i'm almost certain it's a requirement to be in the show(and get free weight loss help) but a lot of people are like "i've never trips anyone this before" and now the whole world knows!!!

i feel like the implication is also that you can't be fat unless you have some "reason" to be, like overeating due to trauma. when like, you can have an ED that is not linked to trauma, and you can also be a big eater without trauma, and naturally big.

kinda feels to me like the entire show is dehumanizing and a sideshow type thing where people point and laugh because this person doesn't look like us "healthy" people, under the guise of "health." dr. now can be incredibly cruel and rude to the point of some of the rude things he says becoming memes- "why you eat so much?" with his face is a top selling magnet on red bubble for example. it's the same rhetoric that a lot of online concern trolls pill "i don't care about them eating, i just care about their health!!!!"

as an aside, i heard they pay people to shower on camera so every single episode starts with them showering on camera which is yucky. not yucky because of them showering but yucky because it feels like they paid vulnerable poor people to depict themselves in a way that dehumanizes them, with somehow also having a voice over of them talking about their trauma? and they seem to have no moral quandary about this. the entire show seems predatory to be honest and the time spent talking about their trauma is like 3min at the beginning and then it's instantly buried in the other hour and a half unless it's a direct plot point

dats all. peace

good lord

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

This freaking journal is ancient. If I end up adding anyone else, please don't judge me from my past entries. There's only a smattering of entries, and when I started this journal in 2009, I was 18 and going through a lot of shit.

I'm now 32 (turning 33 in a couple of weeks) and still going through shit, but the shit is more like, adult shit and not so much teenage trauma type shit.

um, where do I even begin? the last time I made a substantial update was in 2017 or 2018, so 5 or 6 years ago.

I've been through 2 jobs since then, and on the third one. (I swear I'm not a job hopper, the first one laid me off and the second one treated me like garbage)

I was in the linguistics industry, then switched over to my current job in ophthalmology. I work in research studies now.

Toni still pees all over, but she hasn't peed on me since then. We just diaper her, as it's a medical problem. Evil is still a butthead, but not a kitten anymore. We adopted another dog from Elias' mom.

I moved from my tiny apartment into a house in 2019. I am actually currently in a legal dispute with the landlord and expect them to (illegally retaliate) not renew my lease at the end of August. So now, we are looking into buying a house for the first time.

It's wild to look back and look at the kind of stuff I was worried about as a teenager. Like, celebrating that my dad finally let me have my computer in my bedroom (in the days before smartphones lmfao) and fussing over my grandma not wanting me to live with her.

My grandma actually passed away shortly after that, and shortly before she died she apologized about not letting me stay and said I could stay whenever I wanted. What an awful thing to think about now. i was acting like such a brat. I don't know why I couldn't just enjoy her company without bickering over something useless.

I've made a shit ton of progress since that first entry (almost 15 years ago!!)

I just can't believe I was so worried about my computer not being in my bedroom...

feeling super sick

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Can’t really write, i’m feeling super sick but i need to write something to keep up the routine

almost done w/ BrBa. excited to finish. Stayed up late tonight to watch extra episodes.

i think i’m sick because i didn’t feel hungry so i forgot to eat and then i ate but felt sick from it.

ugh i hope it goes away soon.

i want an ipad

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

kind of too tired to write much. today was fine except for when i got dizzy + shaky + migraine from forgetting to eat.

gabby announced she’s quitting which sucks nuts for me, but i’m happy for her. just worried the next person is going to be micro managing + i don’t like that. anna said she’s going to let herself be fired but i think she’s just being over dramatic as usual.

headache and migraine auras all day

Sun, 03 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was pretty boring so not much to talk about here.. just took phil to church, played a little isaac, and slept. had a headache and migraine auras all day, so didn’t really feel like doing anything else but that. also got some starbucks while waiting for phil to get out and talked to dad a little bit

need to sleep now midnight

getting used to this new found energy

Fri, 24 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

lately i have been feeling restless and wanting to get more accomplished. i haven’t been able to start any of my hobbies back again for some reason.

still trying to get used to this new found energy. i guess.

i wish my sunburn would stop peeling too. and i’m not feeling well. tonight. feeling kind of sick? hard to describe.

i hope sleeping it off will work..

good night!!!

Couldn't Be Happier Or Prouder

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 12:00:00 -0500

Update: Literally the next day, Elias got a job offer. They are very good, and I hope this place will actually appreciate them.

It’s at a place that does medical imaging, he’s going to be looking @ eyes all day. Super happy and proud of him. We went out to eat @ Cheesecake Factory to celebrate and then went to Barnes and Noble.

Couldn’t be happier or prouder of him (& them). I’m so happy.

this last week was absolute chaos

Sat, 20 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

this last week was absolute chaos. between trauma dates, super busy work and the winter storm it snowed a lot for texas and everyone’s power had gone out.

on the bright side, i got paid on friday and i started a latch hook. it’s a rainbow latchhook. i hope i can finish it within the next few weeks.

i am going to have an interview next wednesday for a jewelry place and i had one last week for a freelance health care position. i am just mad at localice for how terrible and busy this week has been.

not in the spooky torture house

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Missed yesterday oh well. Not my fault/problem. Today was a good day. I was super lazy at work today. It’s a Thursday so we are on the lazy side…

This weekend is tool & I am super excited!

I am also super tired. I don’t know how or why. I hope I can get into a new psych soon. I am figuring it out, but for now just sticking with Baylor, but with a different doctor. My current doctor sucks big old monkey nuts.

everything lookin up

Tue, 22 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

grateful we could refinance my credit cards.

decided to call today and get shit done

we also have our intro appt. with legacy comm health tomorrow.

everything lookin up

restless

hopefully not manic

today was a good day

Thu, 17 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Grateful:

Got paid
Can afford meds
Found new doctor
Job is easy
Job pays living wage
Today felt short
Fridge!!!

Not gonna lie, there was a lot of negativity today that I could write about, but I would rather stay positive. what will I be for halloween….

I am happy because of the prospect of a new doctor, I want to go to the clinic that has many doctors all in one. That would be more convenient.

spit in the face

Mon, 10 Sep 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Elias got the job he wanted.

I am going to be stupidly cold to my doctor. I really rather dislike her now so I will just have very bare politeness.

This is what I get for actually trying to improve myself. Spit in the face.

I cant wait to die tbh. Maybe in a few years when I get my debt paid off?

sick and tired of myself

Sun, 04 Mar 2018 11:00:00 -0600

So sick & tired of myself, like, stupid bitch, do you ever stop & think about anyone but yourself? And you have the nerve to wonder why no one wants to be around you? Maybe its because yours a stupid selfish fucking bratty bitch? Ever think about that?

God I am so disgusted and disgusting lmao!! The day that I finally get the courage to off myself is the day that all of humanity recovers from whatever bullshit my life has put them through.

our good luck strikes again

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Our good luck strikes again. after thinking about calling in today, we got to go home at noon because some guy broke our power. glad because we are going with florence + her family to the science museum tomorrow also taking phillip

The doctor upped our lexapro, to 1.5 dosage. we will probably fill the other one first though so we don’t waste a refill. we weren’t able to go get them refilled today because of the going home early

probably just take a nap

Thu, 08 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Guess who is not reading that previous page? This guy

I accidentally took a day off today bc I was supposed to work 7-3 but I slept in until 8 anyway but its probably good bc I havent had a day off in months

called in sick and Jessica let me use vacation day without any issues

I’m overwhelmed with the possibility of things I could do today. I’ll probably just take a nap. That might be a waste tho???

elias in the ER

Mon, 02 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

elias went to the ER on friday so i left work early. ended up having to pay $150 out of pocket for the ER charge

today i will get metformin. i hope that is doing something. i forgot to take my medication last night which is fun. i must have been really tired because set the alarm wrong (6:45 on a day that we have to work at 7 doesn't compute), stayed up too late, and didn't take my meds. oh well. i'll live without them for one day. working 7-2 today to go to the doc appointment at 2:30pm.

new computer

Wed, 27 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

i almost forgot to write this haha... i didn't write because i was sick yesterday...
feeling a little guilty because i bought the computer... but hope that im getting a lot of use out of it... know it's probably a little sketchy sitting on the table like that... haha... maybe i should go to ikea...

I Don't Want Your Help, Therapist

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I’m using the hosts handwriting for anonymity.

Many months have passed since this has been updated, and I don’t think it matters. Life updates don’t mean anything. A dog. Weight Watchers. A hurricane. Nothing important. Things to pass the time. Nothing more or less.

I feel so tired and maybe stuck in some perverse cycle of remembering and forgetting. I wish I was blessed enough to just forget and not remember. The flashbacks are getting tiring in a way they never were before. There is too much and too little detail all at the same time. Sensory things with no emotions and all emotions attached at the same time - some weird paradox that is an exhausting loop. I wish I had the brother’s ability to just forget, but I guess that comes with a complimentary drinking problem, and life in a confusing blur of emotions that are even more unprocessed than ours somehow

how many lives?

Sun, 04 Jun 2017 12:00:00 -0500

i wonder how many lives our presence has ruined?

i can blame the mother. she brought kids into this world, this fucked up world, and made it so much worse for us. she brought chaos into our household, she brought abuse and neglect and everything because of her own issues. she treated us like little adults who could take care of themselves, she cared only about herself. she lashed out at people too young to defend themselves. she hurt us beyond recognition.

i can blame the father. he tried his best in the beginning but then let us go to someone who hurt us. he knew intuitively that we were being hurt but he couldn't grow a spine, or get up off the couch. he couldn't do anything. he couldn't do anything until it was too late. he now refuses to take any responsibility in the situation and will likely die without much guilt.

but i can't help but think this is all our fault, all my fault. when i look in the mirror, i know it's really us to blame. all i see is this mangled reflection of broken hopes and dreams, a reflection of what could have been. i want to smash mirrors sometimes, i want to cut my knuckles open like we've only done once before and i want to see them battered and bruised just for the sake of it. but that's not going to take away everything we've done to others and everything we've done to ourselves.

how much are we like the mother and father? lashing out and letting our dysfunctions hurt and ruin the lives of people who aren't already dysfunctional. how many lives has our presence ruined? how many people were normal and fine until we came into their lives and caused the same whirlwind of storm and chaos that was brought upon us as a child? how do we learn to be more patient, more kind, and less willing to lash out at others? when do we learn to cut off the cycle and stop perpetuating this?

for most of us, the answer is never. when you look at the twists and turns of fate, you see that we will only keep pouring poison and acid on everything that we touch, corroding it down to the bone. maybe they can heal themselves afterwards. but they're always left with a chemical burn and the knowledge that we hurt them.

i just worry that we're in the same cycle with elias' system. they're not fragile like the others, but that doesn't mean we aren't poisoning them with our very presence. i am not sure. all i can hope is that when i meet my makers and they tally up the list of things that we've done to help and hurt people, the former side is better balanced. all i can hope is that our virtues outweigh our sins and whenever we are reborn, we are reborn into a life that isn't fated to hold so much pain and burden.

the struggles of this life will likely wipe away the possible struggles of the next so long as we do our best and continue with humility. still, it is tempting to end this one early and wipe the slate clean before any other negative things can happen.

however we'll keep existing, we'll keep surviving. that's all we know how to do. that's all we ever knew how to do. sometimes, i wish it wasn't.

hard earned stability

Wed, 12 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

Brief timeline of last months:

august 2016 – Visit #1 with Elias, 3 weeks
september 2016 –Kelci breakup
october 2016 – end of oct is visit #2 w/Elias (lasted a month, into Nov)
december 2016 – end of dec, moved in w/Elias
january 2017 – move to TX - airbnb
february 2017 – 2 weeks @ Elias’ parents, started working at VTG
march 2017 – got our own apartment. car broke down
april 2017 – today

i am not qualified to talk about the breakup or ramifications of it so i will talk about Date: 2017

Need To Journal Regularly

Sat, 02 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

I am not very big on writing in journals, but Richard is, so I wanted to get him a nice one rather than the one he chose to burn.

I will have to transfer over the system list at some point as well, or at the very least, have an insert of such. Digital copies are nice, but physical copies are more satisfying.

Also need to journal regularly to keep the host up to date on important events.

Ever again?

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:00:00 -0500

(I realized this journal is disturbingly without updates, so I decided to throw something on here. For those not up to speed: my mother has left her abuser of 15 years. I'm 21. My father got me when I was 11~12. If you do the math, you'll figure out my brother and I had to live with him for quite awhile, too.

By the way, I don't enjoy talking about this. It wasn't a 'relief' to get it all out. In fact, it made me physically sick to dwell on it enough to write it. But, these things need to be said.)

I just had a nightmare where Steve and I were little kids, running from Grandma's house because of the terror that is Tim. No matter how much we ran, we just couldn't get away. I think that is a good metaphor for the living hell we were put through as children.

Children don't get to choose where they live. They don't get the choice of running away-- they have to do what their parents say. And what do you do when all your parent wants is to stay with the abusive, terrorizing asshole, with seemingly no care or abandon for her children? Absolutely *nothing*. You can't do anything; you're a child! You're trapped in this world.

I feel like that dream was reminding me that it's not over yet, at least for my mom. It has been over for me since around 2001 or 2002, when dad got custody of us. Thankfully, he didn't take mom's advice and just "forget about the kids". If we hadn't have had him being proactive and taking custody, the nightmare wouldn't have ended until we were old enough to escape. It would have been a mandatory sentence to stay another six years-- something that I, personally, could not have taken.

I harbor a lot of bitterness and anger for my mother for putting us through this. I know she was blinded by abuse and alcohol, but that is no excuse for putting your children through it. We were human beings, something I think she forgot along the line. Even though we were young back then, we were forced to grow up at a disturbingly young age. Even the psychologist said it in those papers-- "They need to learn how to be kids and let their guard down".

It's not surprising that the psychologist would say something like this. We always had our guard up, because it was impossible to not be guarded when we lived with a terrorist. This is a man who thought it was okay to beat our mother up in front of us. A man who is obviously mentally unwell, for whatever reason (I really don't care why, honestly.)

Let me briefly tell you about one little night in what Steve and I had to come up with. I remember it well: it was towards the end of the nightmare, because we were living in Riverside, at the house that was on top of the garage. Steve and I sat in absolute fear as the terrorist chased our mother around the house with a crowbar. Our mother had hidden his gun from him, underneath his car seat, and I believe he was trying to figure out where his gun was.

Does this scream 'normal' childhood to anyone? Probably not. But the answer from us as kids probably would have been 'yes'-- This was our reality. I don't know why I remembered this night in specific, because they were pretty much all like that. Our reality was waking up every day and escaping to school, and then coming back home to someone who terrorized for fun. Even if we tried to hide away in our rooms, he would come and find us. Whether it was to bang on bongos, or to drag us out to the living room to listen to the blasting music, or try to get us to drink at age 10 or 11... We never got a moment of peace.

Unless we were with our dad.

Our dad was the only moment of peace that we were afforded. We could go over to his house and just get away from it all. He would take us to the movies or let us play games without worry. We wouldn't have to worry about him getting drunk and wreaking havoc. We could just worry about being kids, and for a minute, we could just be kids.

But then it was all over: once the few days were over, and we had to go back to that household-- back to being adults trapped in the bodies of children, back to putting our guard up and trying to tune things out.

Every negative thing that I am today, that terrorizing has made me: neurotic, lack of coping skills for small things, easily bothered, self-conscious, withdrawn, anti-social, depressed. I cannot stand even the littlest of things bothering me. I think I used up my entire lifetime's worth of "patience" and "tolerance" quota when I lived with tim and mom. Now that I'm an adult, little things get to me a disturbing amount.

All of these things are not a natural state of mind for a person. There's no doubt in my mind that going through that mental abuse while I was a child crafted me into that sort of person.

My father has always been supportive of my brother and I. We are very lucky to have someone who cares as much as he does.

My mother? She might have been blinded by the alcohol and the abuse, but in my mind, that does not absolve her of all responsibility for her actions. She kept us children in a negative and abusive environment. Not only that, but she personally thought it was okay to tell me that it was my fault she was in jail, my fault for everything. When my father wasn't the punching bag, I was.

Why? It doesn't make any sense to me. I have no regrets; I would never do anything differently. Am I sorry for "getting her arrested" at Van Andel Arena? Fuck no! Am I sorry for the "stairs incident"? Hell. No.

I was finally old enough to view and realize the world around me was fucked up, and I was a child doing what I could to get myself and my brother out of a really bad situation. I only have praise for my childhood self; miraculously, I was strong enough to defend myself. To sit in court and testify-- at the age of 11-- against the terrorist who had been living in our house for more than five years at that point... That takes a lot of strength.

All of this comes back to my first point... Children cannot do anything to get themselves out of that sort of situation. No matter how strong, no one is going to take a child seriously without an adult by their side. They need help. I'm eternally indebted to my father for providing that help when we needed it. I'm also indebted to all the social workers who helped us out when we were in need. That kind of help is making me consider going into social work.

But to my mother? I think I'm going to need a little more time to heal. When I was younger, before my mom and dad split up, I used to call her "mama". In my mind, that person, "mama", isn't here anymore.

"Mama" didn't drink and did her best to raise her kids in as positive an environment as possible. "Mama" was still a young mother, untainted by the physical and mental abuse of that terrorist. But... That person hasn't been here since 1995. I'm not sure if that person will ever be back.

Will mom ever be "mama" again? Time has yet to tell.

blah blah blah

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

I feel like ranting because... yeah, whatever, I guess. I know everyone's under a lot of pressure, so it feels a little selfish to be complaining, but I'm doing it anyway. I had a couple places that I could have posted this... tumblr is too open and I don't trust my personal diary not to shit out on me and lose important entries. SO. It's going here.

This isn't going to have any coherence or even relatively good transitions. I'm just rambling; I'm not trying to write a paper for English.

I've been having nightmares like crazy lately. Stuff about my mom mostly, but sometimes it's about other stuff. I don't know why, but it drives me batty.

I've been sleeping... so much. Ten, eleven hours a day. It feels kind of like I'm just sort of floating by. Or life is just passing me by. For the past week, I've set my alarm for certain times... and I've woke up about thirty minutes before every time I set my alarm for. Then I'll roll over, and adjust my alarm for another hour. Because of this, I've been way oversleeping.

Life just... slowly passes me by. I find enjoyment in very few things. I wish I could enjoy more things. Everything costs money, though. And I'm not good at anything that wouldn't cost me money. I'd kill to be able to draw well, but it seems that I'm horrible at seeing something and copying it, so I can't learn anatomy well. Singing... just reminds me of my FAAB status. Not to mention any singing projects I'm in love to say "girls" and trigger the shit out of me. And I don't want to say anything, 'cause I don't want to be a burden.

I used to enjoy H!P and stuff like that... But now? I just sort of. I don't even know why I follow it. I don't, really. I check the Hello!Online twitter every so often. It's never news that interests me. It's always rambling on about -group I don't care about is releasing a new single- or -person I don't care about is releasing a new photobook-. Even if I did care as much as I used to, I can't fully participate in the H!P experience because I simply don't have money. I can't wota it up because I'm broke.

All I have is... pirated games and music? Wow. Way to be, you fucking loser. Can't even support your favorite artists or developers. And when you had money, you pissed it away on a computer instead of mental health or physical health or something important. Good going.

I feel like I'm depressed, and no one even knows. I do a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time, but I feel down a lot. Pretty much constantly. I feel happy sometimes, but most of the time it's just washed away in sadness. I'm starting to wonder if I bring it upon myself... Or if I'm just being over dramatic.

My dad always is quick to remind me that I'm over dramatic. Whenever I ever complain about something, he says I'm being over dramatic. Yet he tries to say that he's there to listen to me...? Yeah, right. I don't even want to know his reaction when he finds out I'm trans. OMG ATTENTION HORE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He's fucking horrible for even pretending to care about my problems. If he doesn't consider them to be problems, it's easier to just ridicule me.

Sometimes, I just want to cry. Sometimes, I just want people to listen to me cry and tell me that I'm not over reacting. And I do have a few friends that do that for me.

But I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this... It's not my friends/family's fault. I feel if I talked to anyone, they would just tell me I was being over dramatic. I'm always feeling like a burden, but especially lately. I feel like I'm just an annoyance in everyone's life... and talking about my problems would just be more of an annoyance. I know it's probably not true, but whenever I talk to someone, I can practically feel their annoyance with me. Like, I'm just wasting their time. I wouldn't blame anyone if they felt that way, but constantly feeling like this is seriously taking a drain on me. I don't like even asking people questions because I feel like I'm wasting their time.

But when was the last time I had a hug? I can't even remember. Maybe six months ago, when I was moving out from my dad's at first?

I'm so flaky. I can't ever choose one thing or the other. I always do things for a little bit of time, and then I move on to something else. I couldn't even hold a job down for a month. And then I moved in with Amanda for a month, then I came back. I get interested in things and then I quickly lose interest. I'm jealous of people who can have interests for more than a month or two.

What makes me feel the worst is complaining about money problems-- especially when I know people have it worse. Just... It's about to get a lot worse now that Amanda doesn't have food stamps. That's all there is to it. This stupid fucking horrible country. I fucking hate it.

I feel so worthless right now. I have for the past few months. I feel like I'm tipping over the edge of desperation, and I don't even know why. I don't even have it that bad. I have friends and family that love me, a steady home, and I'm working on bettering myself in college. So why do I feel so helpless and useless? I don't want to sound emo-- well, you know what. Fuck it. This is my journal, and whoever doesn't like it can bite me. I'm just going to write what I want.

I feel like self-reflection brings a tidal wave of guilt and unhappiness. I realize how fucking useless I am, and how god damn insignificant my life is-- and it fucking sucks. I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is offering to help me out of this incoming tsunami of self-hatred and depression.

And it's not even their fault. My friends and family don't even know. I won't let them help me. When I was a child, I had to do everything for myself. I'm so used to doing everything for myself, I don't like seeking help. I always chant to myself, "I'll be okay. I'll be fine. It's not a big deal." It's like a fucking ritual with me. It's like I have too much pride to admit "I might not be fine. This might not be okay. The quality of my life is hurting and upsetting me."

I have trouble admitting when something is a big deal. I don't know why. If it's something someone did to me, it's probably because I don't want them to feel bad about it. If it's something that just happened, I don't want people to tell me I'm over reacting.

Maybe it's because I was always praised for being so mature when I was a kid. When I refused to get in the car when my mother was drunk (which consequently led to her arrest), people around me told me, "Wow. You are so mature." And a lot of people who knew what my childhood was like tell me that I am really strong and mature for not having anything wrong with me.

ALL THEY ARE DOING IS VALIDATING MY CHOICE TO HIDE MY MENTAL PROBLEMS. And I write this, and I know it's wrong to try to hide them. But somewhere, there's a disconnect. I blame it on lack of money, but when I had money, I didn't get help. Why? Maybe I like people thinking I'm strong. I'm just a weak, weak person that crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure. I don't want people to know that.

I think my hypersensitivity to things that some people can take (like the music blasting next door...) is actually because I'm depressed and hypersensitive.

I'm not even a little independent. And that is killing me, too. All I can do is drive by myself. Big fucking deal. I'm still sucking from my dad's paycheck for gas money. I'm still a fucking child, that's all I am.

I don't want to take these things out on the people around me. I feel that sometimes, I do. I don't want to. I just wish I knew exactly what was wrong.

I'm a negative, horrible person. I'm bossy and I'm bitchy. I'm nitpicky. I'm quick to tell someone to do something, but slow to do it myself. Which also makes me a hypocrite. I can practically feel people avoiding me so they don't get sucked into my vortex of negativity and depression. "No one wants to be around a negative person!" (Thanks for that complex, Supervision class.)

I just want to cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need help. Please, someone help me.

Microblogs - October 2009

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-10-04 10:49 PM: What happened to "I love you"? Did I do something wrong tonight?

2009-10-03 12:26 PM: the most obvious of obvious gay guys in high school that were in the closet added me and apparently he's going out with a guy, not surprised

2009-10-02 10:42 PM: fuck yeah headache

2009-10-01 7:11 AM: fuckin bedtime

Microblogs - August 2009

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-08-31 11:03 PM: september first. how time flies~

2009-08-31 9:52 PM: girls outside. screaming. what.

2009-08-31 5:20 PM: awake hurray (also, i need to make a list of things to buy in the future)

2009-08-31 5:47 AM: tired of being banned on lunchtimers for no good reason

2009-08-30 4:00 AM: creeped out when people on lj friends list give full detail on their sex lives

2009-08-28 10:24 AM: i wonder how people can find plurk to be 'addictive'

2009-08-25 8:45 PM: sick ;~;

2009-08-23 8:16 PM: should update more often whoops

2009-08-16 3:45 PM: god damn

2009-08-14 11:16 AM: noon, so that's bed time for me

2009-08-03 5:28 PM: happy birthday james hetfield!

So hot.

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0500

For some reason, it's so hot. I'm sweating horribly.

I watched a few animes today. I've always said anime is super homo so I've been trying to prove myself wrong. I began watching Seto no Hanayome and watched through all of Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo. The latter was pretty good but I was horribly disappointed in the ending... I hate it when that happens. That happened with Watchmen too-- the entire movie was awesome then it just shot itself in the foot at the end...

Also, I can't help but think everyone was mad at me today. Everyone I talked to seemed cold and I'm not sure why. I must have inadvertently done something wrong or more likely, it's all in my mind and nothing was wrong at all.

Oh well. I'm gonna go try to get some sleep because I feel sick.

Jab

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

a good friend of mine at jphip forums passed away yesterday because of an illness that he caught at anime expo.

it makes me wonder about how fragile life is. if he wouldn't have gone, would he still be alive to this day? was it worth it? i feel really sick now.

How to be a True Friend™

Fri, 15 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Pick up your friend at midnight when they say they need to be checked into a hospital or they'll kill themselves. Proceed to attempt to talk them out of it. They will continue to somewhat insist that they need medical attention, but refuse to be completely firm on the matter because they're afraid to 'burden' others. This will give you minor hope that you can go home without an incident. No such luck. You will give in after talking to them in the hospital parking lot for a half hour.

Subsequently, you will stay by their side for the six hour wait, one which has absolutely no entertainment except a blank wall. During this six hour wait, said friend will fall asleep because said friend has a bed to sleep on. But not you, True Friend™. You have but only your trusty plastic blue chair from hell, one that would give even the most fit of men a backache for weeks. You may manage to doze off once for ten minutes, but besides that, do not expect much! Your greatest accomplishment of the night will undoubtedly be finally remembering all the words to Master of Puppets.

An exhausted psychiatrist, an old guy whose only qualification seems to be 'being old', and a snobby nurse will all ask your friend the same generic questions, and she will give the same vague, avoidant answers, making you wonder why exactly you bothered in the first place. Ultimately, a psychiatrist will deem her mentally stable (if not completely apathetic) and give her the number to the local psyche ward to schedule an appointment, promptly sending her (and you) home.

But do not think of this as six hours wasted, True Friend™. Think of it as an excuse to get your sleep schedule back into nocturnal. And hey, I bet you've never appreciated a comfortable bed like you do right now!

PROTIP: Try to forget about the fact that the reason she was driven to near-suicide was the fact that her Craigslist Boyfriend broke up with her. The epic rage will eventually melt into sweet, sweet bitterness.

trapped

Tue, 12 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I'm feeling trapped at the moment.. like I can't go anywhere. Before this, I always had the comfort of knowing I could move to gramma's if things ever got bad. But coming back from her house, it's painfully obvious that she didn't want me moving there. I hinted around moving in and was shot down every single time. That's a scary thought. I have only here to be, and I got in a huge argument with dad yesterday about moving my computer into my bedroom. It's fucking sickening and I feel trapped. Same fucking routine, every single goddamn day.

Anyway, I'm not a happy person atm. I have a headache and came out into the living room, hungry. All I could think about was how much I wanted those last corn dogs in the fridge. And, of course, someone ate them. Fuckers. I should slap them.

/rant

few days off the internet

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Didn't get on the internet for a few days. I've been playing so much COD4 because Danny came over with his XBox 360, I didn't even get a chance to sign on now and then. Oh well.

A lot of drama happened with Manng and Amanda. Well, not a LOT. She came on and I chat invited her.. and she lied, saying she "didn't get it" and I asked her, "why are you on the xbox?" And she answered, of course, "to talk to matt". That was like the last straw for me and I just deleted them both and I have no intention of talking to either of them again. They've been so buddy buddy and avoiding me, so I just figured "hey, might as well give them what they want". (also AJ sucks)

I finally got to level 54 on COD4 though, which is a good thing. I level grinded there tonight and am happy. I'll have level 55 to shoot for, which is the max level. All I get for level 55 is a golden Desert Eagle though, which I'm not too thrilled about.

I finally found out how to mute everyone but the people on my friends list on Xbox and it really helps. COD4 has so much of the "Halo Jackass Frat Boy Crowd" that I got sick of hearing it and I literally didn't want to play because of it. So now I can only hear my few friends.. sure, I may be missing out on a few new friends, but I'm not in the business of making new friends and I'd probably just delete them later.

Speaking of new friends, today, in a random match, I saw a person named "Berryz RISAKO". I friend requested them and they accepted.. because it's so, so rare to find anyone into H!P on the Xbox. I didn't even realize it at first.. I was bitching at the guy:

"God?! Who is this, in my fucking way. Just STANDING there. Risako... Ohhh. They must like BK, that's awesome!"

Not to mention they're from Japan (I can tell from some of the games they've played). That makes it a little difficult to talk to them. I sent them a message "berryz koubou is awesome!!" and they sent back "yes!!!!!" so I think they understood that but I don't think they understand English.

Um.. I'm going to bed now. At 10:30AM. I am not going to wake up until night tomorrow.. pathetic of me. @___@//

THE WORST FUCKING SMELL IN THE WORLD

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

Seriously. This is the worst smell in the world.

Imagine murdering a man, smearing him in shit, pouring nasty, far outdated milk in his rotting corpse and pissing in his mouth. Then imagine dragging him around the house, all the fluids getting into every nook and cranny of the house.

Everyday at 4:30pm, I am woken up to this horrendous smell. I do my best to cover my nose with the blankets while rolling over and trying to get back to sleep (to no avail). Around 5pm, the smell has sunk even into my blanket and I am forced to breathe through my mouth as I scurry to open up all the windows.

This process takes about 10 minutes and if I dare get one little particle of that smell in my nose I literally begin to throw up in my mouth (like I did just now).

It's snowing and the porch is covered in snow but I run over to the window and press my nose up against it just to get some fucking fresh air smell. God hates me for not giving me a stuffy nose through all this. I'd rather get sick and die than continue to smell this horrible fucking smell. Correction, I'd rather put a fucking BULLET through my head than continue to smell this smell.

I have to do my best for hours on end not to breathe through my nose because it smells so sickening.

The only options are a gas mask or to move out. Dad said that he would rather move out then continue to smell this shit, so I suppose that's what we'll be doing.

sold

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Sold my Gamecube for $100 which I will be getting in a few days. $50 from gramma. This is what I might buy with it:

Awesome Headphones - $90
A $60 game, most likely Viva Pinata OR 4000 Microsoft Points OR Year subscription Xbox Live

Man.. that's depressing. I kept telling myself, "Am I really gonna use this?" and ended up with such a small list.. lol! I wanted to keep it to stuff I use daily which is only XBox 360 and Computer.. I thought about ADDING stuff like a camera but I'm not so sure about that seeing as I don't look good in pictures and I don't get out enough to go out and take pictures of other stuff.

I might just save the $60. :< The only thing for SURE I'm going to get is the new Headphones thing.

MSP Rock Band songs

David Bowie Pack 01 - 440
Punk Pack - 440
"Fortunate Son" - 160
"Bang a Gong (Get It On)" - 160
"Cherry Bomb" - 160
"Synchronicity II" - 160
"Can't Stand Losing You" - 160
"3's and 7's" - 160
"Sick, Sick, Sick" - 160
"Sweet Leaf" - 160
"My Iron Lung" - 160
"Brass in Pocket" - 160

"Whatever Dad, I don't even care." means that.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I know I'm going to sound seriously like a spoiled bitch in this post. But what do I really care. I don't. I just have to get my feelings out.

My dad's a pretty manly man, and to see him cry (or at least hear him sniffling, I couldn't bring myself to look over) is pretty upsetting. I thought he just had a cold until he started to talk and his voice cracked. He said something like this:

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

Yes, now that makes me look horrible. But you have to know the rest of the story, really.

I've been wanting the game Rock Band for a good 7 months. No joke. I have never wanted anything more, video game or otherwise. That's all I've been thinking about. I've been dreaming about the fucking thing. I played it at Best Buy and I wanted it even more. Dad continued to reassure me that, "it'll be fine", "we'll get it", getting my hopes up and everything.

But it's easy to fucking talk when the release date isn't 3 weeks away, isn't it!

Now, I know we've been having a hard time. Both our cars are broken and Dad has to buy new parts. I understand that completely. But I've been hearing rumors that it's going to be hard to get it if you don't get it on the release date, and you'll have to wait until Christmas or maybe even worse.

So, I wasn't about to make Dad go out and buy it. No fucking way, no fucking how. I was pretty depressed, until I came up with a plan that I thought everyone could relate to: Gramma preorders, buys it on the release date, and Dad can pay her back at his will. It's good for Dad because he can pay it back when he feels comfortable that we have extra money. It's good for Gramma because I'm not going to ask for anything for Christmas and all she has to do is this one favor. It's good for me because I get the game that I want for Christmas on the day it releases.

I asked Dad yesterday if this sounded okay, not keeping anything from him and telling him exactly what I planned to tell Gramma. He said "That sounds like a good idea, go ahead and call her when we get home." Great, okay, I'll be able to get it on the release date.

But apparently, Dad is PMSing today.

I sent an email to Gramma yesterday about it, and then she called me back today. My email included buying it online because I thought that would be most convenient for her. But she thought that it would be better to go into Best Buy and preorder, then pick it up and pay for it later, so everything can be done locally. I insist that she talks to Dad because I figure Dad wants to hear everything and wants to make sure that everything is okay.

He goes bat shit insane.

He starts talking about how we don't have any money right now, how I "just can't wait" for it, and making me look like a bad person who didn't even ask him about the whole thing. Basically trash talking me to my own gramma after I told her I had asked him and all. And I did, unless I somehow magically dreamt up asking him (pretty sure I didn't). He hangs up, angry with Gramma, goes into the bathroom pissed and crying or whatever, then comes out and grabs the box of games, walking out the door saying,

"I'll go sell all those other games you just had to have tomorrow to buy this one that you just have to have."

I NEVER fucking ask for anything. Ever. The last thing I asked for something was March 2007 when I asked for the Xbox 360. That means for 9 months, I've just been quiet and happy with what I had. Even when my Guitar Hero II was broken, I didn't ask for it to be replaced. I've just been happy with what I have.

But when I finally fucking ask for one thing (especially so near Christmas) and come up with a plan that I can get it, Dad goes fucking batshit insane.

You know what, Dad? Your fucking PMSing is causing me physical pain because I'm so upset and your mood swings aren't welcome around me. If I knew that this game would bring SO MUCH fucking turmoil to us, then I would have never even paid any attention to it.

When he walked out the door, I said, "Whatever, Dad, I don't even care. I don't even want it now." And that's the truth, because no amount of physical pain or emotional turmoil is worth some stupid fucking game, no matter how good it is.

I'm going to bed (even though I just woke up). Fuck it.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M GOING TO BE UP OR GET ONLINE, IF EVER SOON.

Right now I just feel like crawling in a hole and dying.

Writing Prompts

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to start using writing prompts again because I fail hardcore at updating if I don't. I'm using the prompts from the first page I got from googling: this one. I'll try to update daily, which should last me awhile. I refuse to do stupid ones though, like "WHAT IF THE COWS GAVE ROOTBEER INSTEAD LULS."

First prompt: "What is something you dislike about yourself?"

The #1 thing would have to be my lack of friends and the REASON I lack friends. I know perfectly well why I lack friends, I've attempted to change it, and I can't. This is just the way I am. (I started thinking about this when I was talking to Matt about it the other day.)

The only reason I lack friends is the plain and simple fact that I am bipolar. If all you out there in LJ land don't know what bipolar is I suggest you read the Wikipedia article but here's the condensed version: people who are bipolar go through "stages" of moods. I'll paraphrase.

Stage I: "Depressive phase" (aka "Bad Days"): Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, hopelessness, disturbances in sleep and appetite, fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities, problems concentrating, loneliness, self-loathing, shyness, chronic pain (with or without a known cause)*, lack of motivation

* most of the time the chronic pain is in my stomach, I'll feel weak to my stomach for no apparent reason

Stage II: "Mania" (aka "Really Good Days"): Rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, increased interest in goal-directed activities, more severe version of Stage III

Stage III: "Hypomania" (aka "Good Days"): An uncontrollable impulse to laugh at things he or she does not normally find funny, 'artistic' state, flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, obsessional behavior, ability to improvise easily on the spot, increase in subconscious movement*, excessive sexual activity, increased self-esteem, being more talkative than usual or feeling pressure from within the thought process to keep talking (i.e., cannot stop until the story is done)

* usually biting my nails

Stage IV: "Mixed State" (aka "Really Bad Days"): A condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously. Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted.

When I'm in a Stage VI mood, I will snap at people randomly, feel guilty later, cry randomly, snap again, have hot flashes because of random anxiety, etc. That's just the way I am and hell if I'll take medication to stop it. Also, if you're curious, today is a Stage III for me. Yesterday was Stage II.

Why the point of this? To explain why I don't have friends, naturally: when someone catches me in a bad mood, I go OFF on them. Normally what happens...

1) I get pissed off because of some small little minuscule thing that others wouldn't even notice.
2) Go off on my current target. It may not have been who caused it, most likely it's one of my really good friends, usually I bitch about it to them but occasionally my "target" is a friend that I don't really consider to be really a good friend, but because they caused the problem I go off on them.
3) Anger lasts 10 minutes, but in those 10 minutes I say something EXTREMELY stupid. Because I'm prideful I refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that I did anything wrong.
4) Somewhat-good-friend either takes this and understands how I am (becoming a good friend) or stops talking to me so often, and stops being my friend.

Believe it or not, 96% of people land in the last group, the people who know I'll do it again and prefer not to be stressed out by my bitchiness. The only two people that I know who have really been able to "accept" that I do this is Matt and Amanda. Dale is not one of those people because whenever I get angry I deliberately direct it away from him, because I'm afraid that if I do that too often he'll stop liking me.

The people who are my really good friends have learned that I do this and can get past it anyway. And I'm glad that they can, because this is my major flaw and what keeps people away from me. That and the fact that I'm a "loner"-- I genuinely prefer my own company and rarely talk to anyone (usually it's others talking to me, and usually it's unwelcome, at least at school).

Matt said the reason he doesn't mind it is because he knows I'm not that way all the time, and that I can be awesome when I'm not angry or sad. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me..

[edit] My brother just got a leopard gecko and sent me a frantic message to help him on xbox because he thinks his gecko is sick. I gave him all the tips I could and he's still worried, and it makes me really heartsick and almost makes me wanna cry because he's so worried about it. He even has a little coconut for the gecko to go in when he has to shed. He's been really considering hard a gecko and researched it, and I am going to be really pissed/sad if the gecko is sick. I'll probably cry, hell, I almost am right now.

Dearest body

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

You have given me a lot to be thankful over the years. Intelligence, my height, my eyes, my lips, among other things. But I have to say, I'm afraid the bad outweighs the good on this one. I have a few things to graciously ask of you:

1) lazy + slow metabolism = disaster. You are a fatass. I'm sorry, but it's true. Doesn't eating ~1000 calories a day do ANYTHING? You know damn well I'm not going to exercise to get that shit off.
2) I am not a Neanderthal. I seriously do not need this much hair on my legs nor on my eyebrows. My eyebrows is the main thing I'm worried about though. It's so hard to maintain one's eyebrows when one lacks the proper tools to do so. I will NOT ask my dad to waste his money on makeup or aesthetics when we're barely making it as it is. All I can do is humbly ask you to STOP GROWING ALREADY.
3) When I brush my hair, a mandatory of 3 pounds of hair comes out. I feel like I'm either a shedding cat or I have cancer. I tried using new shampoos and conditioners. I tried brushing softer or harder. It seems no matter what I do I'm doomed to a life of thick hair that comes out easily.
4) Wtf, toes? On the left foot we have.. middle toe longer than the big toe. That would be okay if it WENT THE SAME FOR THE OTHER FOOT! Instead, in the right foot we have big toe longer than the middle toe. Can I at least ask for symmetry?
5) Stomach oh stomach. Why do you always pain me? I woke up today not knowing whether I wanted to eat or puke.
6) The last and biggest quarrel I have with you is your sleeping pattern. I went to bed at 5pm today and I wanted to wake up around 9am. Instead, you decide it's proper to wake up at 6am and will not allow me to go back to sleep. I then take a shower and here we are. Is it too much to ask for a sleeping pattern 3am to 11am? That's all I want.

Humbly yours.

(PS: Today I'm going to be playing Gears for as long as humanly possible, that is, until I go to sleep. I'm hoping to get to sleep around 3am. Realistically it'll probably be 11pm. Blah!)
(PPS: Never mind, that got boring after one match.)

On The Weekend

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I went over to Gramma's on Thursday because Steve was over there and I hadn't seen gramma in awhile. I told Dale in AIM that I wouldn't be back until Friday, but he seemed to ignore that and still ask Amanda where I was. That's okay though, because apparently I said I'll probably be back on Friday and he took that as I went over to Amanda's or something. I must've neglected to say I was going to my gramma's. Oops.

Anyway, when I went over to my Gramma's, she told me not to bother to take a shower and to hurry up because we were gonna go to Pirates of the Caribbean 3. But I hurried up and got back and it seems as if she didn't wanna go at that time. I setup my xbox 360 downstairs and went upstairs. She bought a SNES and like 40 games, so I looked through them and found one I liked: Tetris. I played Tetris for what seems like ages while waiting for Steve to get back. He had gone to my aunt's to help put something on the roof, some sort of white material. He slipped and fell in it and got it all over him, and after that he quit and came home. Following that we played a few Guitar Hero II songs along with Zach and then we went to POTC:3. Zach threw a fit in the theater and said he would rather play video games, but Roger forced him to come along anyway. Apparently there was something after the credits but it was retarded anyway, so I felt like I wasted 10 minutes watching the credits. Oh well. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.

The next day, I was woken up by Zach's pet rabbit in my face licking it. Zach brought his pet rabbit (actually, the school's pet rabbit) home for the summer and was basically abusing it. Everyone felt sorry for it. Anyway I was woken up by it, and bribed Zach to leave me alone by telling him he could play Guitar Hero II. I got up anyway and went upstairs to do basically nothing. I kept playing Steve at Tetris but he couldn't seem to beat my score (because I'm awesome at it). Later that day, we went out to eat with two lesbians o_o. I couldn't tell they were lesbians until it dawned on me when one of them said they played football. I was like, "Oooh...". But the place we ate at was pretty fancy, and I had steak, but I felt like a jackass asking for steak sauce. The bathrooms were weird, they had saloon like doors and I didn't feel like I was covered when I was using it. After that we went home and played a little Monopoly, in which Steve was probably the funniest guy in the world, nearly giving my gramma a heart attack from laughing so hard. My gramma asked me if I wanted to go to Wisconsin Dells for a week, or have $100, and I decided that I'd rather have $100 so she put it in my paypal account. I felt like a jackass there too because she probably wanted us all to have a trip before she died or something, but I still would rather have $100. We also watched some 80s music videos and gramma told us a funny story. She said that she thought she knew that song "Take on Me" when my mom was younger, and so she belted out loudly "COMEEE ON MEEE!" and my mom was like "WHAT ARE YOU SINGING!?". Gramma specifically told me not to write about it in my blog. That's why I am. Heeee.

The next day, I was woken up by Roger saying my dad had "something important to tell me about" and I freaked out, naturally thinking he was sick or hurt or something. I called him back and he said he didn't say anything like that, so I got pissed off at Roger for lying to me to get up. Gramma said I was the one who got up the quickest but that's because I thought my damn dad was hurt, which is an evil and mean way to get someone up. Anyway we ate breakfast and then I came home after that. That's basically all that happened.

When I came back, there was Mad Magazine on my seat and a lot of stuff on my computer, like some genki beam stuff in my email and I had to play Ragnarok with Dale so I had too much to do and was overwhelmed at first. That's what I get for leaving those things alone for like, 2 days.. -___-;

Dreams

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Last night I had a dream that Ethan died. It was upsetting.. I’m not sure why. I haven’t talked to him in over a year, yet his deviantart says he came online two days ago. I bugged him by sending him a note, but I think he’s just trying to get on with his life. I should probably respect that, but I’m not. Ha!

Kiah’s been not on for a few days also, so I feel a little lonely. I barely have any good friends, so I need to make some (any takers?). Right now there’s just Kiah and Dustin. I’ve actually started to play video games again, and a racing game at that, so it shows that I really lack any friends.

Also, dad made me feel bad when we were eating out. I mentioned wanting to get a Curves membership this summer since one just opened up around us. He said it was okay, but about ten minutes later he retaliated with “Didn’t I just spend $100 on contacts you don’t even want?” which prompted me to say something along the lines of “I do! I just lost one!” and we got into a big discussion/argument over that. I felt really bad, because it made me think he thought my eyesight and health were unworthy expenses.

I still want to be able to wear Baby The Stars Shine Bright clothes. That means somehow I’ll have to get down to a size 9, and then I’ll have to get the money to actually buy them. I think the weight will be more of an issue than the money.. But that is my dream. So I guess the post title means both physical dreams, and life dreams, even those which can be considered unobtainable.. but I don’t consider btssb to be unobtainable. Just unlikely.

Physical Health on needing.space

second day at job thoughts

first day working at the hospital

another job offer (mental health tech)

I quit Dominos

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

mostly just tired​

not forgotten about this

why are steno machines like shiny pokemon

what do i really want

trying to figure my life out

the timing of opportunities

quit my job finally

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

this journal

extrovert's hell of my own making

less reliant on the phone

already feels weird w/o smartphone

cosplay generic guy visiting yosemite

mental health is at an all time low

why am i such a coward

life seems so useless right now

i can't remember shit

I'm only writing this to check off the Habitica task

it's been a while

trying to get used to new house

so much busy

everything is busy and i'm tired

house update

work

physical health

misc

mmmm

food

weight talk

good lord

feeling super sick

i want an ipad

headache and migraine auras all day

getting used to this new found energy

Couldn't Be Happier Or Prouder

this last week was absolute chaos

not in the spooky torture house

everything lookin up

today was a good day

spit in the face

sick and tired of myself

our good luck strikes again

probably just take a nap

elias in the ER

new computer

I Don't Want Your Help, Therapist

how many lives?

hard earned stability

Need To Journal Regularly

Ever again?

blah blah blah

Microblogs - October 2009

Microblogs - August 2009

So hot.

Jab

How to be a True Friend™

trapped

few days off the internet

THE WORST FUCKING SMELL IN THE WORLD

sold

"Whatever Dad, I don't even care." means that.

Writing Prompts

Dearest body

On The Weekend

Dreams

mostly just tired