Steve on needing.space

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

Thu, 17 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

this journal

there's no way I'm ever going to get this journal completely done if i keep uncovering old blogs and journals. I don't really think i realized exactly how prolific I am. I'm all over the damn internet. i just found an old random alt deviantart account i had that has a bunch of journals still available on there. help...the admin at pagecord, olly, was kind enough to help me import all the dreamwidth entries though at least (whew.) and then wrote a really nice blog entry about it :) thank you olly! customer for life right here.

i may or may not (definitely did) write a reddit post over on /r/digitaljournaling suggesting that people check out pagecord as well. I just randomly stumbled upon it; I believe that the admin of hey.com wrote an article about it…? I already forget. the search engine kagi is really good about unearthing more underground articles like that. i’m about to quit my job in a few weeks, and i told e that i refuse to stop paying for kagi haha. that’s one of those necessary subscriptions for me. google is just such a shithole at this point for so many reasons.

sad steve canceled his visit

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

nothing bad going on except breaking bad is getting really good. i finally near the end of season 4 where gus gets killed. i don’t remember much about who is the antagonist in season 5 tho so it’s going to be news to me work is boring as always lots of trainings this week, but none tomorrow, just my meeting w/ gabby.

we set up a painting class with florence this weekend, so on top of the cat cafe, it’s going to be busy. im excited!

Got Our Septum Pierced Today

Sat, 02 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Got our septum pierced today. Really excited because it looks so good! Just had a really good day all together. And glad we are having a 3 day weekend and light workload week.

Steve said he will be coming down at the end of July. That is also when we are seeing Kurtis Conner live ahaha. We want to go horseback riding w/ Steve.

That’s all for today!

Everything Turned Out Fine

Mon, 14 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Everything turned out fine. Better than fine, actually. We aren’t overeating or over spending anymore! And we are really happy in general. This is probably the best we have ever felt.

I ate so much today! I’m so full

Before Wellbutrin that wouldn’t have made me full, but here we are.

Overall life is going great. And this Friday we will actually be caught up on bills. I am super excited!

hope tomorrow is super boring

Sun, 22 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Tomorrow is Steve’s birthday.

This weekend was weird RVAH was being shitty so Alex just quit. I can tell already that they are less stressed. We are less stressed as well.

I am curious to see how quick they will get a job. They are taking their time and making sure its a M-F office job, which is so much better.

We had good eats this weekend. Tomorrow is our dirt 1 year anniversary. hope tomorrow is going to be super boring. Bluh

Ever again?

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:00:00 -0500

(I realized this journal is disturbingly without updates, so I decided to throw something on here. For those not up to speed: my mother has left her abuser of 15 years. I'm 21. My father got me when I was 11~12. If you do the math, you'll figure out my brother and I had to live with him for quite awhile, too.

By the way, I don't enjoy talking about this. It wasn't a 'relief' to get it all out. In fact, it made me physically sick to dwell on it enough to write it. But, these things need to be said.)

I just had a nightmare where Steve and I were little kids, running from Grandma's house because of the terror that is Tim. No matter how much we ran, we just couldn't get away. I think that is a good metaphor for the living hell we were put through as children.

Children don't get to choose where they live. They don't get the choice of running away-- they have to do what their parents say. And what do you do when all your parent wants is to stay with the abusive, terrorizing asshole, with seemingly no care or abandon for her children? Absolutely *nothing*. You can't do anything; you're a child! You're trapped in this world.

I feel like that dream was reminding me that it's not over yet, at least for my mom. It has been over for me since around 2001 or 2002, when dad got custody of us. Thankfully, he didn't take mom's advice and just "forget about the kids". If we hadn't have had him being proactive and taking custody, the nightmare wouldn't have ended until we were old enough to escape. It would have been a mandatory sentence to stay another six years-- something that I, personally, could not have taken.

I harbor a lot of bitterness and anger for my mother for putting us through this. I know she was blinded by abuse and alcohol, but that is no excuse for putting your children through it. We were human beings, something I think she forgot along the line. Even though we were young back then, we were forced to grow up at a disturbingly young age. Even the psychologist said it in those papers-- "They need to learn how to be kids and let their guard down".

It's not surprising that the psychologist would say something like this. We always had our guard up, because it was impossible to not be guarded when we lived with a terrorist. This is a man who thought it was okay to beat our mother up in front of us. A man who is obviously mentally unwell, for whatever reason (I really don't care why, honestly.)

Let me briefly tell you about one little night in what Steve and I had to come up with. I remember it well: it was towards the end of the nightmare, because we were living in Riverside, at the house that was on top of the garage. Steve and I sat in absolute fear as the terrorist chased our mother around the house with a crowbar. Our mother had hidden his gun from him, underneath his car seat, and I believe he was trying to figure out where his gun was.

Does this scream 'normal' childhood to anyone? Probably not. But the answer from us as kids probably would have been 'yes'-- This was our reality. I don't know why I remembered this night in specific, because they were pretty much all like that. Our reality was waking up every day and escaping to school, and then coming back home to someone who terrorized for fun. Even if we tried to hide away in our rooms, he would come and find us. Whether it was to bang on bongos, or to drag us out to the living room to listen to the blasting music, or try to get us to drink at age 10 or 11... We never got a moment of peace.

Unless we were with our dad.

Our dad was the only moment of peace that we were afforded. We could go over to his house and just get away from it all. He would take us to the movies or let us play games without worry. We wouldn't have to worry about him getting drunk and wreaking havoc. We could just worry about being kids, and for a minute, we could just be kids.

But then it was all over: once the few days were over, and we had to go back to that household-- back to being adults trapped in the bodies of children, back to putting our guard up and trying to tune things out.

Every negative thing that I am today, that terrorizing has made me: neurotic, lack of coping skills for small things, easily bothered, self-conscious, withdrawn, anti-social, depressed. I cannot stand even the littlest of things bothering me. I think I used up my entire lifetime's worth of "patience" and "tolerance" quota when I lived with tim and mom. Now that I'm an adult, little things get to me a disturbing amount.

All of these things are not a natural state of mind for a person. There's no doubt in my mind that going through that mental abuse while I was a child crafted me into that sort of person.

My father has always been supportive of my brother and I. We are very lucky to have someone who cares as much as he does.

My mother? She might have been blinded by the alcohol and the abuse, but in my mind, that does not absolve her of all responsibility for her actions. She kept us children in a negative and abusive environment. Not only that, but she personally thought it was okay to tell me that it was my fault she was in jail, my fault for everything. When my father wasn't the punching bag, I was.

Why? It doesn't make any sense to me. I have no regrets; I would never do anything differently. Am I sorry for "getting her arrested" at Van Andel Arena? Fuck no! Am I sorry for the "stairs incident"? Hell. No.

I was finally old enough to view and realize the world around me was fucked up, and I was a child doing what I could to get myself and my brother out of a really bad situation. I only have praise for my childhood self; miraculously, I was strong enough to defend myself. To sit in court and testify-- at the age of 11-- against the terrorist who had been living in our house for more than five years at that point... That takes a lot of strength.

All of this comes back to my first point... Children cannot do anything to get themselves out of that sort of situation. No matter how strong, no one is going to take a child seriously without an adult by their side. They need help. I'm eternally indebted to my father for providing that help when we needed it. I'm also indebted to all the social workers who helped us out when we were in need. That kind of help is making me consider going into social work.

But to my mother? I think I'm going to need a little more time to heal. When I was younger, before my mom and dad split up, I used to call her "mama". In my mind, that person, "mama", isn't here anymore.

"Mama" didn't drink and did her best to raise her kids in as positive an environment as possible. "Mama" was still a young mother, untainted by the physical and mental abuse of that terrorist. But... That person hasn't been here since 1995. I'm not sure if that person will ever be back.

Will mom ever be "mama" again? Time has yet to tell.

oh wow this is super late

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 11:00:00 -0600

I should check LJ more often. Still doing new years survey thingie. BECAUSE I WANT TO. JEEZ

2010

Name: Nathaniel
Screen name: vanillainfused/magneticdeath
Current location: Watervliet, Michigan
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Sign: Gemini [fuck yeah twins]

2010 In The Beginning......

Where did you ring in the New Year? Home
Who were you with? Think it was just me in 2010
Did you kiss anyone at midnight? ;_; no
Did you make any resolutions? No
If so did you keep them? lol

2010 Your Love Life....

Single/Taken? Taken~
How many relationships did you have? Just the one
How many break ups? None
How many people did you kiss? None

2010 Friends and Enemies......

Did you meet any new friends this year? Not really
Did any of your friendships end? They come and go
Did you dislike anyone? Yep
Did you get into any fights? Yeah
Did you make any new enemies? Dunno, probably not
Did you resolve any fights? Short-term ones
Who was your closest friend? Without a doubt it was/is Julie

2010....The Holidays!

Did you have a Valentine? See above question
Did the Easter bunny visit you? Dad is the easter bunny and he brings Easter chocolate cheer
Did watch fireworks on the 4th of July? No
Did you dress up for Halloween? Yeah, Hannibal. Lazy costume though, just the mask
What did you do for Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing
Did you receive what you wanted? Didn't really want much haha
Were you good this holiday season? I've been a very naughty boy~ (lol)

2010 Your BIRTHDAY!!!

How old did you turn? 20
Did you have a cake? No
What did you do for your birthday? Went out to eat
Did you have a party? No
Did you get any presents? Couple :D

2010......The Memories and Accomplishments!

Funniest Memory? I can't single one out...
Saddest Memory? Dunno if I've had something bad enough to say 'saddest'. Not like anyone died, right
Most Embarrassing Memory? I hardly get embarrassed anymore lol
Best Accomplishment? Beginning college (does that count), getting myself unafraid of driving, honors GPA

2010.....FAVORITES!

Favorite TV shows? The Office
Favorite songs? Master of Puppets by Metallica (same old same old)
Favorite bands? Metallica, anything H!P
Favorite food? Lasagna. 2010 was year of the lasagna. <3
Favorite stores? I don't shop that much
Favorite restaurants? Any really
Favorite piece of clothing? Bad ass t-shirts (vidya gaems, Metallica)

2010.....All about YOU....

Did you change at all this year? Yes
Did you dye your hair? Highlights
Did you get your hair cut? Yes (need a new one too)
Did you change your style? Yes
Were you in school? Yes
Did you have a job? For like two seconds
Did you drive? Yes!! And it's a huge accomplishment that I finally am not afraid anymore
Did you own a car? Yes, 1994 Mitsubishi Galant (Maroon)
Did you lose anyone this year? No
Did anyone close to you give birth? No
Did you move at all? No
Did you go on any vacations? Lol yeah right
Did you leave the country at all? No
Would you change anything about yourself now? Not really

2010.....Wrap Up.

Was 2010 a good year? Yes
Do you have any regrets? I think I did some stupid things, however, I don't regret because it's best to focus on the future rather than on the past
Did 2010 bring any new insights? Some...
Do you think 2011 will top 2010? Probably not, lol. Wake me up when 2012 rolls around~
Do you have any goals for 2011? Get an iPod touch (lol). Also cram as many classes as I can into each semester so I can get school done and over with
If you could relive any moment which would you choose? Don't really have a particular one
If you could forget any moment what would it be? Quite a few. Depression, arguments, etc.
Do you wish 2010 wouldn't end? No. Then I would *never* graduate
Do you plan to do anything special for NYE 2010? Oops. Didn't do anything anyway, lol

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
-College
-Bought *my own* car
-Moved out of my dad's (even though it only lasted like a month)
-Turned into not-a-teenager!
-Gambled at the casino
-Wore a binder
-Probably lots more, I just don't remember

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and no. I don't need the new year to have goals~

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
I'm going to have to ask your lazy ass to scroll up and read my previous answer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
lol u funny

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A dick. (Wishful thinking, yo)

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not a good 'dates' person

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Scroll up and read somewhere up there

9. What was your biggest failure?
Quitting my job. (but it led to college, so. not that bad)
Also being a jackass to Julie. Sorry bb

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My pool injury! Haha (a little cut i got playing pool). Nothing serious though

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my car. It's been the most useful at least.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Julie - Graduating HS and joining college
My dad - Got a job
Amanda - Switched her degree into something she will actually enjoy
Steve - Got a job (though he doesn't have one now)
There's probably more, just don't remember

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to list

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New MM members, getting lots of money in October 2010

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
4minute - HUH (the song Amanda was playing when 2010 ended)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened? happier- i'm actually doing something for my future (college)
ii. thinner or fatter? feel thinner, but in reality, the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably poorer because i'm actually in debt now. lol

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Having actual fun and not wasting time (but most of the time that requires money)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing. And studying (turns out I didn't need it)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I never really celebrate Christmas

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
You're like, 2 years late, survey

23. Any one-night stands?
Haha no

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office (again.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book you read?
Me, read books? u funnie

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Korean pop

28. What did you want and get?
Money lol

29. What did you want and not get?
flag in my arms hngggh

30. Favorite film of this year?
Saw too many to pick

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
20, went out to eat (already answered this too)

32. What kind of things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Lazy (as usual)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Koharu Kusumi, maybe. (you are missed from MM ;~;)

36. What political issues stirred you the most?
A bunch. Politics generally irritates me because people are stupid

37. Who do you miss?
Steve (actually seeing him rather than talking to him online)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet new people rly

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Sometimes you don't always know what you want, but everything will work out in the end

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
(lol)

bitch, whine, and complain

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 11:00:00 -0600

looking back at my previous entries, the rare few times that i *DO* update (one a month at the most), all i do is bitch on this thing lololol

well, bitching and surveys. I HAVE A SURVEY I'M GOING TO DO LATER SO LOOK FORWARD TO IT!

but seriously. i need to update with like... life stuff. i haven't updated in forever, even though nothing new is really going on with my life...

i'm half in a band and my brother moved out, i guess that's something. the empty bedroom is so weird, and we're cleaning up all the stuff. the house is practically getting emptied, which i prefer. i haaaaate clutter, which is why i hate staying in a room that's like, 6 feet by 15 feet. CLAUSTROPHOBIAAAA

oh well, not much i can do about it. i might steal the bigger bedroom in a few months since steve isn't staying there anyway and my dad sleeps on the couch due to lack of extra bed.

Microblogs - September 2009

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-09-30 2:49 AM: seriously need to get out of this house and dad's "because I'm 40, I'm superior to you" thoughts.

2009-09-27 10:49 PM: what the heck flag

2009-09-26 11:00 PM: it's officially the day cliff died. 23 years. RIP ;~;

2009-09-26 10:20 PM: project runway owns

2009-09-25 10:27 PM: good to hear your voice again flag~

2009-09-25 3:21 AM: a lot of things happened today, so I'm gonna go sleep and try to wind down a little bit.

2009-09-24 1:34 AM: Yup. I officially don't give a fuck anymore.

2009-09-16 2:55 PM: the person that was supposed to be getting a hold of me "like, totally didn't have any time this week!" what bs.

2009-09-15 11:56 AM: yay yay diet breakthrough

2009-09-14 9:07 AM: dreams where you know you're in a dream are weird

2009-09-13 10:01 PM: everyone tonight... sigh

2009-09-13 5:02 PM: throat is feeling a bit better

2009-09-12 11:43 PM: also everyone started naming their little girls isabella lately. fucking twilight. enjoy having to be called by your last initial, ladies

2009-09-12 1:14 AM: i talked to an old friend again <3

2009-09-11 10:39 PM: september 11th means tons of specials about 9/11 on the history channel

2009-09-11 10:11 PM: there's a reason why i don't bother socializing.

2009-09-07 12:01 AM: poor flag////

2009-09-05 2:53 PM: going to go on xbox and re-download some stuff, i'll be back online in a half hour or so

2009-09-05 10:45 AM: slept well

2009-09-03 7:32 PM: diet start~

2009-09-02 3:43 PM: steve got a job orz

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: right bedtime now

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: need to go to bed soon, if i stay up all night steve gets on in the morning and clack-clacks on the keyboard .__.

2009-09-01: playing online bingo, which is strangely addictive

DDR

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I went out to eat with Steve and Jimmy todayyyy. Steve paid for it because he's a sweetie. He's so selfless; he's the type of person that spends all his check on other people. I really need to get a job to pay him back.

Anyway, we went to Steak and Shake. I had sweet tea and a bacon/chedder burger. I didn't have a shake because we were each supposed to only spend $10. My meal ended up being $8 or something?

Then we went to the mall and went to the arcade. I played DDR for at least 45 minutes, which is actually a lot for fatty-chans like myself. I think I worked off that burger. Then I played Deal or No Deal a few times and had like... 400 tickets? I spent 150 or something and Steve accidentally kept the tickets in his pocket, and when we were walking back to the car, I gave them to three little boys because I wasn't going to use them myself anyway. Steve said I was so generous, and I said I was like the ticket Mother Theresa or somethin'.

Anyway, I played DDR with a very nice girl. She was almost as good as me, but I beat her every song except the last one, because by that time, fatty-chan was very tired. I should have got her AIM or something, it would have been nice to make friends with her but meh. I posted a "missed connections" ad on craigslist for the lulz, and if I don't hear from her, that's fine.

allow me to reintroduce myself.

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I had a lot of people add me recently, so allow me to reintroduce myself. (I'm never good at writing these things... I'll try not to make it TL;DR)

As some of you may or may not know, my name is [REDACTED]. I have a million different internet handles (Kirk, hat, magneticdeath, asforoneday, Kohaku, etc) so feel free to call me whatever you want. I live in southwest Michigan, and was born and raised here. I just turned 19 on June 18th. I'm bisexual, but I would never date a male again so I guess that effectively makes me a lesbian. My family has always been in the lower class, money wise. My mother was on welfare the entire time my brother and I lived with her and both my parents dropped out of high school and are now general laborers.

Family-wise, my parents are divorced and have been so since I was 5. I lived with my mom, Grace, and her various boyfriends until I was 12. There was a big custody battle and I ended up with my dad, Jeff. I have been with my dad since 2002.

I quit school in 2007, at the beginning of my senior year. I've always had a 3.7 GPA, I was just going through some struggles at that time (and I'm a quitter, I admit it). However, I got my GED not long after.

I currently still live with my father and my brother, Steve. I don't have a job, but I've been looking. My dad is laid off but my brother has a job.

My girlfriend's name is Julie but I actually call her flag most of the time. My ultimate plan is to move to Belgium with her in a few years. Not sure how that's gonna happen yet, but yeah.

My life is basically Metallica at the moment. I listen to them all the time, watch videos, look at pictures, and generally obsess over them. Cliff Burton has inspired me to start learning the bass. I got a bass for my birthday and can already play a few songs on it.

I do listen to other artists though. Iron Maiden and Morning Musume/Hello!Project mostly.

I also play Guitar Hero/Rock Band almost religiously. I have been playing since April 2007. I have some videos up on youtube somewhere, but I'm a bit lazy to go looking, so if you're really interested in watching let me know.

I don't watch much TV/movies, but when I do, I prefer comedies. Lately I've been into the series "Penn & Teller's Bullshit", which debunks several scams. I think it's in its 7th season. It's an informative show that puts things in a funny manner (not to mention has lots of naked people just because it airs on Showtime).

Other interests include lolita clothing, webdesign, and graphic design.

I like debating too. I tend to lean on the liberal Democrat side of things politics-wise, though I try to examine each issue individually from both sides and come up with a solution (so I could be considered moderate). Also, I am an atheist.

Uh... That's all I can think of now. If anyone has any questions, feel free to leave a comment in this post or something. Haha.

rage

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Awesome conversation that was had:

Steve: Most women shave their pubes!
Me: Most women? Uh, no.
Steve: Uh yes. Most women that I know.
Me: Yeah, okay? That doesn't mean most women in the world.
Steve: Well, most women that I know that are sexually active do.
Me: Um, I think it has a lot to do with age. Women who are older don't care as much because they realize guys aren't as shallow but younger women feel the need to.
Steve: Yeah, because they already popped out five kids anyway!
Me: God. You're fucking dumb.

And I looked it up afterwards...

"Fashion and grooming trends have extended below the waist. One fourth (25 percent) of all women aged 18 and older report that they "closely trim their pubic hair with scissors or clippers," and 23 percent say they shave part of their pubic hair off. Nine percent say they shave all of their pubic hair off.

Women in the 18 to 44 age group are more likely to remove hair in their pubic region than women over 45, perhaps because this age group is more likely to think that men prefer a well-manicured pubic region on a woman (38 percent of women aged 18-44 think most men prefer a manicured look, compared to 14 percent of women aged 45-54 and 3 percent of those aged 55 and older). The look can sometimes come with a price, however, as one in six women (17%) experience itching and/or irritation following pubic hair removal. (from here)"

So not only was I right in my assessment that most women didn't, but I was also right that older women didn't because they didn't mind as much. Ha ha fucking ha. It's annoying when Steve and his friend perpetuate the whole OMG MOST WOMEN ARE LIKE THE GIRLZ IN PORNOZZZZZ stereotype.

some of my past

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Meeting Amanda

Back in 2002-2003, the internet was a younger place (and I was a younger person--12-13). Everyone had AOL, and I was no different. I had AOL 6.0 if I remember correctly, but eventually upgraded to 8.0. I couldn't really get into 9.0 or 10.0 like Amanda.

Amanda is my best friend whom I met in middle school. 7th grade. I was as much of a loner then as I am now, however, we had something in common. Or at least something that I could grasp straws too. She liked anime. The anime that comes on Adult Swim, of course, because we were both 13-year-olds and this is the age of dial-up, trying to download anime would take more time than working up the money to buy it. I remember very vividly how we started talking. I'd just moved to Watervliet, and one of the student council members named Kenny (very nice guy) introduced us. We wrote little notes back and forth to each other, and the first note Amanda wrote me went something like this:

"Hi! :D
Do you want to come over to my house today?"

It was, initially, a huge risk for me. As you may or may not know, the reason I was moved to Watervliet was because I moved in with my dad in 2002. I previously lived with my mom and her husband, both of which were abusive drunks who literally moved our school every year. I had built up a defense mechanism not to get too close. However, I decided to go out on a limb and go to her house.

Now, before she met me, she didn't have the internet. All she had was television. I kept raving to her how great computers are, and how she absolutely needs to get the internet so we can talk over IM. About a month later, she managed to convince her gramma to get a computer. Her gramma kept putting parental locks on it which I showed her how to circumvent, because I'm a little bastard.

But then were the days of KaZaA and dial up. Downloading a song took an hour and I remember waiting months to download a 4gb concert (A MUSEUM- I have since bought it). I also remember accidentally deleting an entire anime series that she was downloading, which must have taken at least a month. Yes, those were more innocent times.

Because of Amanda liking anime (I never really got into it), we frequented anime chatrooms together on AOL. Even before I met Amanda, I'd been rping. I learned about it because I was into HP in 2002 (shoot me, etc). There was a lot of HP RP on AOL in those days (there was even a private chat called hprp). So, I introduced her to rp as we know it today. She was hooked.

We eventually got very close with a few friends of ours. Particularly Leo (whom we called Inuyasha, because that was who he rped), Mercy, and Gin. Mercy and Gin were supposedly long distance lovers and one thing I can vividly remember about them is that they were boning on Amanda's birthday one year because they scheduled a flight to see each other. I wonder how they are today... I've talked to Inuyasha a few times since then, but nothing serious.

For the most part after that, I just hopped around chats where no one cared about who you were ooc. It felt more comfortable that way. It wasn't until late 2004 that I felt the need to come up with another e-persona. It was for a completely different reason this time. thundercake.com. Oh, thundercake.com. You're gone now (replaced by a dA account), but I remember you well.

I have been webdesigning since 2002- since I've been on the internet. In fact, Amanda showed me a crappy geocities website of hers that made me laugh, and I helped her learn a little bit how to design. The problem has always been finding someone who will host your site-- someone who will let you take their space to put up your own little space of the web. Now, way back when, there was pick-me.net. Today, it's still up, but it's not run by the same people. I like this system better, however, back then, there was a tagboard system. Someone tagged saying they were hosting or they needed a host, and people followed through to their site. This is how I found thundercake.com.

When I first encountered the site, it was using iframes and had a little vector cloud. I thought it was very creative, cute, and stuck out in the sea of huge-people-vexels-that-took-5-years-to-load (remember, this was still dial-up days).

I decided that I would be hosted by this person if it killed me. However, their rules stated "I'd like it if we had something in common". I looked down her list of interests. Fuck! We barely had anything in common-- she was a political activist and I was a kid who just wanted an internet host. The host's name was Li, and she was a bisexual extreme liberal.

Thus Bruce was born. How did I come up with my name? I remember very vividly that I turned around and asked Steve, "What's the gayest name you can think of, for a guy?" and he responded "Bruce". Then I needed an AIM name. Closest thing sitting to me was a rainbow pencil, so my AIM name became "arainbowpencil". Ended up going by Rainbow as a nickname, which I carried over to H!O. I still use the username 'agrayrainbow' over there. I IMed her and we talked for a bit. Li welcomed me, and I got to use her webspace:

"Rainbow's my best [online] friend. When I think about Rainbow (or Bruce) I want to use the word "quirky" but that's way too flamboyant for Bruce (which is saying something ;)). He's a fellow anime fan, and we spend long hours talking trash about your website behind your back. He's been a hostee for a LOOOONG time...in fact, I think he was my first, unless that was Megan. He now has his own domain (real-emotion.org) but he's still hosted at Thundercake, giving us a sort of supernatural bond (sort of like, I could delete his site if I wanted to, but I won't). Rainbow's a great person who gets crap from everyone. One day I'll show up in Michigan and kick the asses of his foes. And that's the end of my Rainbow paragraph. When he sees this he's going to squee. And use this face --> XDD"

I should also probably mention I half-assedly crossed this persona to DC++ (a filesharing/chat client). There was this guy from Czech Republic named Diamond that was so gullible that he believed I was a cis dude even though I voice chatted with him. I tried to make my voice sound a bit deeper but it was probably epic fail. Amanda and I still have an inside joke about how his mic lagged and made him sound like a robot.

Next was when I started going by Jason... Oh, Jason.

There were a few people that I regularly talked to in that chat: a girl named Mel, who was actually pretending to be a guy (I had to drag it out of her), a girl named.. god, I can't remember, let's just call her 'bitch' because it's appropriate (also pretended to be a guy).

Ethan

Finally, there was a Canadian 19-year-old guy named Ethan. I don't know whether it was a chick with a better, more convincing act than most, but I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Ethan's rp was on a different level than everyone else's. His was way better. All his rp wasn't about sex-- in fact, he felt almost uncomfortable rping yaoi. The reason why he said he lurked those chats were because he liked watching the interactions. Eventually, I got him to play with me one-on-one and it was like love at first type... or something. I was only fourteen, but if it wasn't love, it was the biggest crush ever. I came online every day to talk to him, vent to him, rp with him.

But he didn't really treat me right. Often he'd cry "Jaaaaay" when I got online, and we'd talk for a bit. He was generally very rude with me, but for some reason, I was into that type of guy. We were both very immature. I remember that part very clearly. We'd say something even remotely sexual, and he would respond with "heh heh" in his teal-blue 8pt Verdana. We had some good times together, despite the fact that my character was a little weird.

Of course, being me, I rped with other people as well, and there was another guy named Luke who ~wanted~ me. I actually enjoyed playing with Luke more than I enjoyed playing with Ethan. That was because Ethan was orthodox, Ethan was normal, and my character, Kaoko, just didn't fit with very well with his, Kish. However, Luke would always play the weirdest scenarios with me and I ate it up.

Point being, I liked Ethan for OOC chat, and I liked Luke for IC.

However, the bubble eventually had to burst. Eventually, I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend (bitch, of course) about the fact that I was, in fact, the certified owner of a vagina. Naturally, she ran and told Ethan, and Ethan pried teeth getting that out of me personally. By this point, we were very close. He even said something along the lines of "thank god, I'm not gay". However, shit hit the fan when I told him I'd just turned 15. For some reason, that made him back off. If it was ~twu wub~ or whatever, it wouldn't matter, right? We'd have to wait to meet nonetheless.

Despite all that, we continued talking. He signed on less often though, and I started to get a bit worried. One week, he didn't sign on at all without any notice, which was a huge blow. When he came back, he said something about a drug overdose? Thing is, Amanda was good friends with Ethan as well. Amanda worked the truth out of him-- and proceeded to send me the log. It was ugly like, "Amber whines about her brother too much. What about MY problems?" and "I'm getting kind of sick of her" and "A friend of mine hung himself and I come online and she's bitching about her brother." Of course, I never knew any of that about him? He insisted to never talk about himself.

But... after I told him I read it, that was basically the end of whatever we had. He stopped signing on, I was heart-broken for awhile. I still had Luke to rp with, but he eventually stopped signing on as well. I think Ethan was the first time I had ever really loved, and it hurt for him to just leave like that. I even got an abandonment complex that a lot of people don't know about or don't understand. Even now, writing about it, is making me kind of sick.

I took a break in 2007, solely playing the XBox, where I met dale. In 2008, I met flag. The rest is history, I guess.

Ethan IMed me again in June 2008. I made the mistake of signing on my MSN one day, and he said that he was just bored (and drunk), IMing old friends. So basically, it was the drunk dialing of the IM world. At that time, I was having my little ill-informed fling with Paul. It was interesting that Ethan would IM me a few days after my birthday and cheer about me being 'legal now'. However, I was willing to throw Paul aside. After all, this was Ethan, the guy I hadn't talked to since 2005. I used a bit of discretion though because I knew it was too good to be true (especially if he was drunk). Naturally, he went AFK for awhile and some girl comes back saying "hey, this is _____, I'm gonna have to steal him away for a bit ;)" and I proceeded to block him. I didn't and still don't have time for that shit.

Luke was one that never found out about my vagina-possession, so when he contacted me in April 2009 and I told him I had a girlfriend now, he said "I thought you were gay?" And he said he had a girlfriend, so I asked him the exact same thing. Basically, he said he wanted to 'catch up' and we ended up catching up for five minutes and I haven't talked to him since.

Cheers.

lolwat

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I just went on a walk for like.. a half hour? to that circle place that has no houses built in it. I thought I'd have a place to walk on my own, and maybe jog a little and take some pictures if I was feeling ambitious.

I was wrong. I counted at least six people, one of which I tailed all the way back home because she lives in the apartment below me. One was a kid asking for a beer from their ever-loving bike companions, who so helpfully called me a fat ass. Thanks for that information, drunken kid. I'm sure I couldn't have figured that one out on my own.

tl;dr: I got a few pictures and realized it wasn't worth trying to get out and see nature/exercise. I'd rather be inside on the computer being the loner fuck I am. Yeaaah.

ETA: Wait a second, Steve is staying with 11-year-old mentality girl? What the shit.

no. just, no.

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Steve: Gabby said you were hitting on her.
Me: What?!
Steve: She said you said she looked like a bisexual or something.
Me: For one, that's not even hitting on someone. For two, I said nothing like that!

I proceeded to get on myspace IM and bitch at her about it.

Steve's already planning on breaking up with her, so it doesn't really hurt my feelings much.

The closest thing I could even think that she could get out of that was that she left me a message saying "you're totally pretty!" and I reciprocated. In the words of Amanda: "you return a compliment and all the sudden you wanna fuck her? totally not the homophobe thing to say".

She's not even that cute, I only said it to be nice. She was the first one to call me "really pretty"! I have a girlfriend I love, and I'm not going to leave her for anyone, especially not a fugly rumor spreading clingy cuntrag who 1) refuses to verify rumors she spreads and 2) gets pissed when Steve can't come get her because we have a fucked up car.

This is why I'm not nice to anyone. Whenever I'm falsely nice to people, it comes back to bite me in the ass. I'd rather be an upfront bitch than a falsely nice person (like Gabby obviously is).

one

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I guess I'll use this time to say that more tickets for Grand Rapids Metallica concert in Nov turned up on ebay, but as usual they're at scalper Fuck You In The Ass prices. And as usual, I've been far too lazy to actually go to the temp service and get a job. Supposedly Steve and Danny are moving out soon, which means less drain on our resources. They were like, "It'll cost us 175 combined to live at the Roadway Inn, and dad's gonna try to charge us 200 bucks combined!" And I was thinking (but I didn't say because hell, I want them to move): "Yeah? Does that include fucking food and gas?" They're pretty... dumb. They aren't realistic about money.

arcade dream

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

I had a dream of an arcade.. we went in with my gramma and Steve and Amanda, though somehow other people came too.

There were a few different scenarios:

Skeeball: Amanda and Steve and I all played Skeeball. Mine was broken though and the ball would not fit through the plastic thing at the end and was actually SUBTRACTING points. I ended up getting like 5 tickets though.

Mortal Kombat: There was a TV hooked up and it said "Free". They were apparently running an emulator and rom and the person who worked there (who happened to be my cousin, John) said it was so his boss could see how everyone was playing. Steve tried to play and go through the menus but they were all in Italian. He changed it to English and eventually we played. I sucked as usual...

"Singstar?": It was called Singstar but it was really Karaoke Revolution + DDR. Amanda and I played, and I picked "Higher", the DDR song. I yelled at her for not doing the DDR parts (ignoring them completely) and just doing the singing.

Weird Guitar Hero Rip Off: There was a guy playing Guitar Hero Rip Off, and all the colors were in the wrong places so it was really difficult. He wanted me to try it, and I was passing all right but not very well. I exclaimed, "What is this! Lefty Flip!" but it wasn't.

During WGHRO: While I was playing GH Rip Off, Dale came behind me and hugged me and said that he loved me. It was.. a little random and weird, but I felt embarrassed cos my Gramma was there.

After all the games are done: Here's the sad part. For some reason my MOM was there, and she was like "how do you feel about me?" and I told her that I loved her and that she's my mom, and she told me that how she THINKS I feel about her is "I don't love her and don't ever want to talk to her again". Then I woke up..

It was weird.

Update on teh monies PT 2

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Steve let me have 35 dollars because he's the sweetest brother in the world, and I bought a Gears of War guide along with a Rock Band guide. I've been playing Gears of War for more than 9 months now so it's kind of a mystery why I haven't bought one yet (and why I haven't actually beat one player by myself). It also has multiplayer maps which will do really good in helping me actually become a better player. The Rock Band one has each individual song outlined by each instrument and developer high scores.. which will help both. <3

Such a long vacation.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0600

This really has been a super long vacation. It has only been a few weeks but being away from my best friends and my boyfriend for a few weeks is more like torture than a vacation. I admit that part of the reason I left was because I needed a break from the daily grind but I guess absense makes the heart grow fonder and the daily grind is the daily grind because I like things like that. I'm starting to see that I don't like change very much.

However, there were a lot of fun parts of the vacation so I can't complain TOO much. When I first came, I brought Rock Band. Gramma and Zack (my 10 year old cousin) and myself all made a band together. We called ourselves the Viper Blood. Yeah, kind of dorky and stupid, but it was something that was automatically generated. Gramma played Drums on Easy. Zack was the singer on Easy. And I was the guitarist on Expert. We were a great band until I brought it downstairs because Gramma was bitching that Roger (her husband) wanted to watch TV on the weekend. Ironically, the cable broke and he couldn't watch it in the living room anyway-- making the trip up and down the stairs with the huge amount of accessories completely irrelevant and unnecessary. Tami and Pat came over and played (well Tami played, Pat woke me up from a dead sleep to have me set it up JUST so he could watch it). Then, the last thing that has to do with Rock Band: Steve came over this weekend and played. We were going to do Endless mode but we got 10 songs in and he started to fall asleep while playing the Bass so I just told him to forget about it and we'll do it some other time (sometime at my house, so he can get the achievements too!).

We went to the mall two times to go to the new arcade there called Slackers. It's really awesome. It has DDR: Extreme but I only played that a few times (there was a guy there that was really good the second time!). Because I was having er girl problems the second time, I couldn't really play too aggressively. And I got tired easily. Zack and I played Skeeball a lot the first time, and the second time with Steve, we played TONS of Deal or No Deal. The first time, with Zack, we only got 400 tickets all together but the second time, with Steve, we got 1003 tickets! We each got 333 tickets, and I feel like I got robbed because I got a big rubber ball but it broke a few minutes after I started playing with it. Oh well, it was funner playing the game than it was to actually get the toy. The highest Steve and I got was 250 tickets from Deal or No Deal. It was between 3 tickets and 400 tickets. We had the 400 in our case! I had the feeling that we did, but we didn't want to risk it... It was still really fun. Gramma thought about buying a TV while we were in the mall, but said that I "talked her out of it" because I told her not to go more into debt just for a big screen TV. I didn't mean to talk her out of it though-- I wanted to see her have a big screen TV! Oh well.

Steve bought the game Scene It! for $40 (poor guy, that's tons of money). We all played it together-- it was really, really fun. I was horrible at it because I don't know many movies. Steve was the best. We played teams the second time we played it, and Steve was on my team so naturally we won! Woo! I only knew a few questions but I really did know the questions that I knew.

We didn't have a whole lot of money so we couldn't go many places. I had a roast beef sandwich over 9000 times, but that's just because I like those. I got into Days of Our Lives, so I'm going to have to see if I can catch that on TV here or if it's only a Direct TV thing. I didn't get into Passions thankfully, because I know for a fact that's a Direct TV only thing.

The entire vacation wasn't all peaches and creams though. Roger (Gramma's husband) was being a serious pain in the ass! As in.. rude. He asked Steve and I, "When's the last time you've seen your gramma and grampa's grave? In the last four years?" and we said "never". How the hell are we supposed to get there? We don't even know where they're buried. I'm not a believer in visiting someone elses' grave. Since I believe that when a person dies, their soul is gone and they just rot in the ground, I don't see why I have to visit their grave. If they were good people, then their legacy will outlive them. And since they were family, they always have a place in my heart. But he didn't need to act pissy and like he's better than us because he visits his family's grave. I was really offended by that and Gramma tried to pretend like it was just because he was working long hours. Bullshit. He's a rude guy.

Zack was good most of the time we were there but he was rude some of the time. He was cussing and swearing and acting up when he heard Steve was coming over. He knew that I would give more attention to Steve than him because I don't get to see Steve often and he's easily tied for #1 place for my family in my heart (tied along with my dad). So of course I'm going to give him attention! He acted really rude to me most of the time when Steve was there but before that he was okay. That's part of the reason I was leaving-- he started acting rude and basically the only reason I was staying was so that he could have company. I was going to stay until the 16th but I was really hurting from missing Dale and my friends. 15th is going to be his birthday party, so I'll probably pop in for that but I'm not staying the weekend or anything. I might stay a few hours at most.

Another bad thing that happened was that Mom called. Gramma made me talk to her and she "just found out" that I quit school (though she didn't-- she was leaving bad messages on my answering machine before that, and later she admitted that she knew and it "just now hit her", yeah right). A lot of drama was caused because of that and I was going to go home however I decided to stay. Mom said that she was going to "come get me and make me realize I was wasting my life". What, like she did? She's a hypocrite.

That's basically all that happened... I think. All the important stuff, unless you count my gramma crapping her pants to be important! (It was funny but.. sick.)

Steve will probably come over at Christmas break. Looking forward to that! He's been really generous lately and I'm surprised. In a happy way. I'm not really looking forward to Christmas itself because it means nothing to me-- not like I'm getting presents or anything, and since I'm athiest it has no religious meaning. Haha.

TL;DR: Vacation was overall good, but I missed everyone!

PS: There was some really embarrassing mix up where I thought Amanda's online BFF Eric was a guy I used to know and be fairly close to, Luke. It ended up in a 3 hour conversation with him about Amanda and other stuff. Weird...

10 things that make me happy!

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Rules: The rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 10 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs. Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in a while.

01] Dale♥ Whenever I talk to him, I am happier. He makes my life worth living♥
02] Morning Musume & Ayu.. well, music in general, I guess. If it's a happy song, I get happy!
03] Getting stuff for free!
04] Steve and Amanda♥ My brother and my best friend! They can both cheer me up when I'm feeling upset or down. Steve is brutally honest which I really appreciate and Amanda always makes me feel good about myself.
05] Making other people happy. I sub so that other people can understand things and enjoy the videos better. I try to do my best everyday to help other people out when I can, and when I see that they are truly happy because of it, it makes me happier than anything.
06] Watching Tyra and court TV! And comedies too ♥ I love learning stuff, and I also love people who are inspirational, and things that make me laugh. Whenever I laugh, I'm happy.
07] When I actually work for something and can buy it myself. When I worked for those 1600 Microsoft Points and didn't make dad pay $20 for me, I felt so liberated and like I really earned them! (And I didn't spend them so quickly knowing that too XDD)
08] Dancing and singing. Singing mostly, unfortunately because it makes me so happy, when someone criticizes me, I get really upset T___T
09] Rock Band which is coming out in FOUR DAYS #(Y*RY*#RHOSDGHDSGH I CANNOT WAIT! We're gonna line up before Best Buy opens and rush in there and get a copy! ♥
10] Simple pleasures such as rain pattering outside the window or calm music. It makes me happy and peaceful.

Um.. I'm glad I did this. Because a lot of people say I'm super moody and angry all the time and hard to please, I think this is a list that can be useful. XDD

maximus

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

blah about Maximus

(9:12:51 PM) me: i still think it's dispicable that you would make a new room to get maximus away
(9:13:10 PM) Matt: okay
(9:13:27 PM) Matt: not when everyone in the entire room doesnt like him
(9:13:33 PM) Matt: and only you do
(9:13:37 PM) me: Whatever.
(9:13:40 PM) Matt: and you're not even playing
(9:13:42 PM) me: This is why I fucking disadd you, this is why you annoy me.
(9:13:46 PM) me: It's fucking bullying.
(9:13:48 PM) me: It doesn't matter.
(9:13:52 PM) me: There's no reason not to LIKE him.
(9:13:56 PM) me: He hasn't done a god damned thing to ANYONE.
(9:13:58 PM) me: AND YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT.
(9:14:12 PM) Matt: loook
(9:14:13 PM) me: What, he happens to have a higher pitched voice than everyone? is that it?
(9:14:19 PM) me: All he's ever been is fucking NICE
(9:14:26 PM) Matt: to you
(9:14:29 PM) Matt: and only you
(9:14:30 PM) me: And all you fucking people think it's COOL FUN ETC to make FUN of him
(9:14:35 PM) me: He's never done nayhting to you guys!
(9:14:35 PM) Matt: amber amber amber
(9:14:37 PM) me: He's a fucking KID
(9:14:38 PM) me: HE IS A KID
(9:14:44 PM) me: HE'S NICE TO ME BECAUSE IM NICE TO HIM!
(9:14:50 PM) me: You guys are needlessly rude, nasty, etc with him!
(9:14:50 PM) Matt: okay
(9:14:55 PM) me: "maximus is a fag"
(9:14:57 PM) me: "maximus is annoying"
(9:14:58 PM) me: etc
(9:15:09 PM) me: he hasn't done ANYTHING and he couldn't fucking hurt a fly because he's a KID and actually rather innocent
(9:15:33 PM) Matt: okay
(9:15:35 PM) Matt: yea
(9:15:41 PM) me: Yeah, so why the fuck exclude him?
(9:15:42 PM) me: Oh yeah.
(9:15:44 PM) me: Because it's COOL.
(9:15:48 PM) me: Because it's cool to pick on maximus!
(9:15:54 PM) me: It's cool to bully the little kid! Yeah, that's real fucking manly.
(9:16:07 PM) me: Bully someone three years younger than you. That's the way to get the ladies and respect!
(9:16:22 PM) me: Amirite?
(9:16:32 PM) me: It's immature, it's fucking rude, and it's unnecessary.
(9:16:38 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:40 PM) Matt: sure
(9:16:47 PM) Matt: okay
(9:16:54 PM) me: He gets enough of that at school.
(9:17:01 PM) me: Gets fucking picked on, pushed around because he's smaller than everone.
(9:17:27 PM) me: He doesn't need to come onto fucking Xbox live and feel excluded because a fucking bunch of boys who just hit puberty decided it was a cool thing to pick on someone three years younger than them.
(9:17:49 PM) me: Mainly AJ, which is why I don't fucking like him. There's no reason for him to be mean to Max and he's really the one who started it.
(9:18:02 PM) Matt: no max is
(9:18:11 PM) me: Max didn't do shit and you fucking know it.
(9:18:24 PM) Matt: max lied
(9:18:26 PM) me: He talks shit sometimes. Fucking tell him off and be done with it.
(9:18:30 PM) Matt: about activing
(9:18:38 PM) me: Don't antagonize him.
(9:18:59 PM) me: There's something dispicable and deplorable about antagonizing anyone let alone someone who lacks the proper maturity and age to deal with that kind of shit!
(9:19:14 PM) me: Though I truly doubt all of your maturity at this poitn.
(9:19:15 PM) me: ^*point
(9:19:39 PM) Matt: okay
(9:20:05 PM) me: This is why I don't play gears.
(9:20:10 PM) me: You ask, WHY DONT YOU PLAY GEARS ANYMORE ZOMG
(9:20:21 PM) me: It's because of this stupid BULLSHIT that you and the others CONSTANTLY PULL whenever Max and you guys get together!
(9:20:54 PM) me: max is nice to me because i'm nice to him. I'm sure max would be nice to aj, steve, etc if they were nice to him but they lack the ability to be nice because they're fucking assholes.
(9:21:12 PM) me: They'll do anything for a laugh including harrassing someone.
(9:21:18 PM) me: I just thought you were above that shit.
(9:22:03 PM) Matt: i am
(9:22:14 PM) Matt: you know im a nice person
(9:22:20 PM) Matt: you know that
(9:22:21 PM) me: I know you are. So I don't know why you do this I HATE MAX
(9:22:24 PM) me: MAX IS A FUCK
(9:22:25 PM) me: stuff.
(9:23:18 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:23:24 PM) Matt: he is annoying
(9:23:40 PM) me: He's annoying. But he doesn't do it intentionally and that shouldn't cause hatred.
(9:23:53 PM) me: And even if you do hate him, you should ust keep it to yourself because he didn't really do anything wrong.
(9:24:35 PM) me: And it's not like you're superbad about it like aj and steve are.
(9:24:50 PM) Matt: what do you mean by that
(9:24:51 PM) Matt: ?
(9:24:57 PM) me: AJ and Steve are like
(9:25:05 PM) me: "Lol maximus, or should I say FAGISMUS"
(9:25:09 PM) me: when he hadn't said anything for a really long time
(9:25:21 PM) me: and it was pissing me off. maximus wasn't doing anything, wasn't replying
(9:25:42 PM) me: and they were continually antagonizing him every time at the dead zone
(9:25:44 PM) me: for NO APPARENT REASON
(9:25:48 PM) me: and he continued to not reply, kept quiet etc
(9:25:54 PM) me: Doesn't that fucking make you feel sad?
(9:26:50 PM) me: frankly I muted them all because it's that kind of bully mob mentality that I absolutely HATE in a person
(9:27:45 PM) me: why the hell is a 16, 17, and 19 year old ganging up on a 13 year old?
(9:27:52 PM) me: for the laughs?
(9:27:55 PM) me: that's WRONG
(9:27:57 PM) me: anyway you look at it
(9:28:09 PM) Matt: hmmm
(9:28:46 PM) me: I can't hate steve because he's my brother
(9:28:48 PM) me: but I do hate AJ for it
(9:28:54 PM) me: and hate is a word I use rarely and honestly mean it
(9:29:25 PM) me: AJ is alwyas about "being cool" and "keepin it real" but I find nothing "cool" about harrassing a kid that age.

the conversation basically ended there...
i got tired... i'm gonna go to bed soon...

ct2 fangirling ♥

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I (and by I, I mean nyanko_nin) started playing Clock Tower 2 the other day. That is the ONLY game I think that I am better than her at 1 player mode in. I convinced her she should try to play it, and even hooked up the PS2 so she could. But she was hella confused and didn't know the exact steps to get through the level like I did.

It really made me think about old times back in 2002 and 2003 when I first saw that game. I rented Clock Tower 1 first, but I didn't really get to play it all that much so I asked Steve to rent it again for me (I didn't feel like going to the video rental store with my dad and him). He came back with Clock Tower 2 saying something like, "They didn't have the original one so I got this one".

I groaned with annoyance and decided to give this one a try. And although it had shoddy graphics and a confusing gameplay, I really loved the storyline and most of all, Bates. I don't know what it was, perhaps that I was a 12 or 13 year old girl and he seemed to be a badass guy, perhaps it was because he was the only good voice actor in the game, perhaps it was because he got all the best lines, but he was the one who made me shell out $40 to buy the game online (and $20 again on ebay later after I lent it to a friend I never saw again).

S'yeah, apparently Amanda (nyanko_nin) didn't get that far, but I started to watch the endings again on YouTube. I was of course very happy because I got to watch them but something that annoyed me the most was Bates' Japanese voice. It was a.. girl? What the hell? The voice actor sounded apathetic and there was no way in hell she could hold a candle to Roger L Jackson. When they say "Japanese voice acting is always better", they don't mean ALWAYS. Take it from me, rly.

Anyway, I think I'm getting back on a CT2 kick, which is always good. 8D Though I don't feel like unhooking the Xbox 360.. and just ended up playing UNO. I'm trying to get that last achievement! Can you blame me? That'll be the first game I ever finished. ♥ The second one will be ROCK BAND! Mwahaha, can't wait for that.

Well, money's been tight and I don't know whether I can buy The Orange Box but Dad said we could at least rent it again this weekend. I've been hyped about playing Team Fortress 2 again, which has serious replayability.

Maybe he'll buy it when I tell him he doesn't have to buy Army of Two in November (it was pushed back to 2008). Dale said he might get it too. Here's to hoping we have another multiplayer game to play, because as much as I like Gears I'm a little burned out on it...

PS: Rock Band's release date was pushed earlier, to Nov 20 which is 3 days earlier than Black Friday. Hurray! ♥

PPS: New layout

The Companion Cube ...

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

is not salvageable. Steve came over this weekend and I played The Orange Box a lot, so we tried to do some fun stuff. The first thing that we tried was... to save the Weighted Companion Cube on Portal.

We played the game up to that point and then when it came time to throw it in the fire, I spent about a half hour trying to get that door to open with the Companion Cube. I made it so the Companion Cube leaned against the door (and two cameras on the other side so it would go at the right angle) and it fell into place without having to be on the button, therefore leaving the door open. I took the Companion Cube in the chamber with me, and then it proceeded to taunt me.

"Through no fault of our own, for the sake of everything participating in this test, you have managed to trap yourself in this room. A complimentary escape hatch will open in three, two...," GLaDOS taunted.

After that, I whined and told them that I was just going to use the cheat to put portals anywhere. I did and stood on the button, then made a portal at the back of the room. We realized that it doesn't taunt you and open up the hatch unless you actually have the Companion Cube with you.

We tried SO MANY things to get her to open the door along with letting us keep the cube. We found that even if we put a portal at the bottom of the incinerator, the cube would dissolve before we got it there. So then we put one at the bottom of the incinerator and one on the wall, and tried to bring it into the incinerator with us. It still dissolved as soon as we put it in the wall.

Through our studies of around an hour, we have figured out that it's IMPOSSIBLE to bring the Companion Cube back with us.

I had a scary dream

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

It was the end of a field trip. It ended right by mom's house, and she offered to come and pick me up and Steve was with her. It was winter because I was in some big red winter coat, and my friend Casey gave me a cell phone to call my dad with. I didn't want to go with my mom because she's a bitch and I'd probably have to stay the night at her house, in which she'd harass the hell out of me.. so I kept declining and she was like "Whatever Amber, you're still my daughter". As soon as they left I sat down on the ground against the wall and was crying my eyes out.

Dale says it's because of my sympathy for her. I don't know what it is. I think I want to see her, and I wish she wasn't such a drunk bitch so maybe I could once and awhile. What is going to happen... I guess only the future can tell.

Important

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I quit high school.. a lot of reasons, mainly being because I don't feel it's necessary if I don't plan to "shoot high" and go to college like most others. There's been a lot of drama about it but now my dad knows (he was really nice), my gramma knows (she was extremely mean and "disappointed"), assuming my mom will know soon, and my brother knows. Not to mention my friends of course.

It's kind of funny.. I just said in a passing way, "I'm thinking about quitting school." to a couple of my friends the day before I started going back. A conversation like this was held with someone I consider to be my "friend" sorta.

me: "I'm thinking about quitting high school."
him: "Why? You only have a year left."
me: "Lots of stress, I don't think I'm learning anything, waste of time. Not like you'd miss me anywho."
him: "Not really."
me: "Haha, didn't think so.."
him: "Well, if we never see you again, we know why."

I thought it was pretty humorous, this is the right way to be humorous. Telling me "well congrats on ALMOST finishing highschool!" in a joking yet condescending way is not the way to get on my high list (this quote from Steve, whom realized it upset me and apologized).

Anyway, I've stopped going. It feels great not to be dreading having to go back to school, it feels great to not have to do something (though dad says we need to definitely start learning how to drive so I can get my GED and get a job). I think this is the right decision at this point in my life.

A funny thing that happened today to get us off the subject-- Amanda and I went to Dairy Queen and we went to the window, annoyed that the lady was talking some other guy up instead of serving us.. until we listened to the conversation, in which we were trying not to laugh the whole time.

"Service" old lady: "Yeah, haha."
Weird guy: "It's so nice to just be able to talk to people here. In Boston, they either shun ya' or shoot ya'. Hahaha."
SOL: "Really?"
WG: "Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty intense. People around here are still getting used to it."

By now, I'm avoiding looking at Amanda or I'll burst out laughing, seeing that she is smirking and trying not to laugh. We avoid looking at each other before the creepy guy says his goodbye and leaves, and we order. As soon as we get back to the car with our stuff, we BURST OUT laughing, because it was just so weird and funny.

& I played Gears today.. it was actually an interesting and fun experience for once. Maybe I just needed a break from it for awhile. I promised Max I'd help him with Insane so that's my main to-do tomorrow. Yar. -yawns- SLEEP time for me~ No sleep for 24 hours gets to me~

(PS: I think "tired" does not cut it for the mood, just amplify that times over 9000)

Annoyances + Thankfulness

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Annoyance #1: Dad awakens. Tells me he has to make a doctor's appointment for me, "just to check up". I am up in arms about the idea, screaming in a doctorphobia that there's "nothing wrong with me and I don't need a checkup". I tell him it's a waste of time and money, and he says it doesn't cost anything. I then complain that I'm afraid of the doctor and there's no reason to put me through something I loathe for no apparent reason. He understands.
Annoyance #2: Get on Computer, get on Skype to realize Dale has been on for awhile and he's just been playing Maple so he wasn't on AIM. That annoyed me because I wouldn't've gone and played Gears if I would've known he was online but it doesn't matter anyway because he went to go play Maple when I was online.
Annoyance #3: Finished a kickass graphic only to realize it doesn't work with my journal. Only have small despair because I didn't feel like color coding the CSS anyway. I'll try to find a layout that works with it later...
Annoyance #4: Another subbing group subbed Onna ni Sachi Are without karaoke within a day. This makes me mad because 1) they normally sub ANIME, 2) they suddenly decided they want to sub PVs, 3) they're taking away people that would normally download our releases. But whatevs. It's a really good song.. so whoever wants to sub it can. And may the best subbing group win.
Annoyance #5: If you know me at all, from 12+yrs I lived with my dad. That means, I went through puberty and such when I was with him. I never learned ANYTHING from him. I had to learn everything myself, including shaving my legs. Without saying much I guess everyone will know I'm pretty pisspoor at it. I did an especially horrid time tonight.
Annoyance #6: At first, Steve tried to say they can "only take Danny and me, or just me, not all three of us". For some reason, Tim changed his mind at the last minute. I know that will mean less going out to eat and shopping and stuff but I don't really care: it was fucked up that they wanted to take Danny and not Caleb, and I felt really really really sorry for him. I was so ecstatic when they said they'd take Caleb too.

Thankfulness #1: Video-thief-person's video taken from youtube! Then again, so was mine because AVEX are nazis, and I don't really feel like losing 300 favorites again so I'm trying not to hit "strike three".
Thankfulness #2: . It's such an interesting community and fun to read. It's like the best-of-craigslist only it's updated frequently every day.
Thankfulness #3: Japanese message boards which translate things. 'Cept for the fact that someone insulted me there.. o__o People are weird.
Thankfulness #4: Matt and Amanda who continue to be really good friends, Dale who continues to be a great boyfriend. I want to thank them so much for that.
Thankfulness #5: Onna ni Sachi Are is a great single, reaffirming my faith in the religion that is Tsunkuism. *prays* If he keeps putting out great singles I might have to buy one one of these days!
Thankfulness #6: Mostly everything is going great in my life right now..

I have nothing *truly* to complain about. And for that, I am blessed (by whom, I wonder, considering I'm an atheist?.. maybe Tsunku).

Going to Mom's on Wednesday

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I'm going to Mom's on Wednesday.. she said:

1) I can have her "old" computer (which in reality is like a year old) which is good.
2) She will buy me birthday presents.
3) I can drive her new convertible mustang.
4) She will buy me school clothes.

So I was like Whatevs. :| Haha.

Also it's Steve's birthday today. Even though he can't read this I wish him a happy birthday. :] Big 16!

Proper Entry

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Birthday
My birthday was kind of low key. I got a few very 'expensive' things. I got Clock Tower II for $20 on ebay (the first auction I've won!). I bought the Clock Tower II and Clock Tower 3 guides from someone on LiveJournal for $25. The Command & Conquer was bought for $40 on ebay. The Camera + Year of Live pack was from my dad, and he claims that's all I'm getting (which will probably be the cheapest birthday gift of all-- usually I get $150 from him but the pack was $80-- I'm not complaining though because he got me a 360 for no apparent reason). The shoes were $60 and were partially from Steve and partially from my Gramma. I want to thank all those people from the bottom of my heart because it's made my birthday a lot better. Also I got a cheesecake from my dad, unfortunately I didn't get a picture of that before it got ate but it was really great.. And I still have Ayumi Hamasaki's album "Duty" and single "A" coming in.

My gramma thinks Danny's in love with me
My gramma took me aside and told me that Danny was "staring at me like he loved me" and "being really cute to me" and etc. She said I should give him a chance. I told her no way. I already have someone, which I will talk about later. Upon telling her that my significant other lives 3 hours away, she said "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" which basically means I should go out with Danny just because he happens to be here. I thought that was ridiculous. The next day she said she took back what she said-- she says a really good friend is not worth jeopardizing. I couldn't agree more.

Amanda
Amanda is just.. Amanda. She kind of accidentally broke my Guitar Hero II, but she's going to replace it so I'm completely over it. If Amanda wasn't Amanda then I wouldn't like her so much. We were in a semi-argument but she broke it by sending me a birthday card and everything was great again. :]

Danny..lives at my house now?
Danny has been living at my house for the past two weeks. I certainly don't have a problem with it, it's fun to have someone to talk to, too. He has his own name on my xbox and plays occasionally but he plays the PS2 more often anyway. That brings me to my next category I suppose.

Gears of War
Gears has been.. hectic lately. Maybe I should separate this into different categories.

Hosting: Hosting has been.. different. I've been kicking people so much that my reputation went from 5 stars to 4, and I've gotten really quick with it. I've been kicking those who active reload with the sniper because I think it's cheap. People seem to hate me for it, and it seems that drama gets easily started up over it.

Drama: So much drama has gone on. I've lost most of my friends list because of my fault or their fault.

Dale was complaining about Moaozis complaining and when I bitched at Moaozis he dared call me a bitch. He was muted and hasn't been in my games since.
Rurak was muted because he was annoying when high but I unmuted him the next day. He's probably one of my favorite Gears friends and him writing "unmute me" on the ground with the lancer was just too awesome.
Manng was muted for a day because when my xbox froze he went to host his own game. It really pissed me off at the time but now I'm just like whatevs. Haha.
Poem got muted for shouting "OMGZ HOST!" and hasn't been unmuted yet. He was really sarcastic about it and he was one of the people that was talking behind my back about me, so he can go fuck himself.
Jesus has been muted for quite some time but I also hear that he's talking about me behind my back so whatever slim chance he had of being unmuted is now gone.

Dale
Yes, he warrants an entire category for himself. Why? Because he's the closest person to me right now (and always will be), not to mention he's my boyfriend in every meaning of the word. It's been kept fairly low key though because I think he's afraid of people giving him a hard time about the long distance relationship thing (though I wouldn't consider a few hours away to be exactly long distance). I've been trying really hard to convince him to get a cam and he said he would as soon as he got a ride to to the store. Unfortunately there have been a lot of things that have prevented him from getting one thus far but that's okay, I'm patient. Rurak went onto Dale's team to say something along the lines of "Dood, I think Amber likes you!!" a few days ago and he told me that.. we both laughed, because we've had a thing for awhile I guess. My entire life right now revolves around him, from getting up to falling asleep-- and I think his life is revolved around me too. And I have absolutely no problem with that.

Anyway, it's been a long freakin' few weeks as you can tell. If you have any more questions about these things, just ask me. If you're reading this it's most likely that you know how to contact me. :]

On The Weekend

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I went over to Gramma's on Thursday because Steve was over there and I hadn't seen gramma in awhile. I told Dale in AIM that I wouldn't be back until Friday, but he seemed to ignore that and still ask Amanda where I was. That's okay though, because apparently I said I'll probably be back on Friday and he took that as I went over to Amanda's or something. I must've neglected to say I was going to my gramma's. Oops.

Anyway, when I went over to my Gramma's, she told me not to bother to take a shower and to hurry up because we were gonna go to Pirates of the Caribbean 3. But I hurried up and got back and it seems as if she didn't wanna go at that time. I setup my xbox 360 downstairs and went upstairs. She bought a SNES and like 40 games, so I looked through them and found one I liked: Tetris. I played Tetris for what seems like ages while waiting for Steve to get back. He had gone to my aunt's to help put something on the roof, some sort of white material. He slipped and fell in it and got it all over him, and after that he quit and came home. Following that we played a few Guitar Hero II songs along with Zach and then we went to POTC:3. Zach threw a fit in the theater and said he would rather play video games, but Roger forced him to come along anyway. Apparently there was something after the credits but it was retarded anyway, so I felt like I wasted 10 minutes watching the credits. Oh well. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.

The next day, I was woken up by Zach's pet rabbit in my face licking it. Zach brought his pet rabbit (actually, the school's pet rabbit) home for the summer and was basically abusing it. Everyone felt sorry for it. Anyway I was woken up by it, and bribed Zach to leave me alone by telling him he could play Guitar Hero II. I got up anyway and went upstairs to do basically nothing. I kept playing Steve at Tetris but he couldn't seem to beat my score (because I'm awesome at it). Later that day, we went out to eat with two lesbians o_o. I couldn't tell they were lesbians until it dawned on me when one of them said they played football. I was like, "Oooh...". But the place we ate at was pretty fancy, and I had steak, but I felt like a jackass asking for steak sauce. The bathrooms were weird, they had saloon like doors and I didn't feel like I was covered when I was using it. After that we went home and played a little Monopoly, in which Steve was probably the funniest guy in the world, nearly giving my gramma a heart attack from laughing so hard. My gramma asked me if I wanted to go to Wisconsin Dells for a week, or have $100, and I decided that I'd rather have $100 so she put it in my paypal account. I felt like a jackass there too because she probably wanted us all to have a trip before she died or something, but I still would rather have $100. We also watched some 80s music videos and gramma told us a funny story. She said that she thought she knew that song "Take on Me" when my mom was younger, and so she belted out loudly "COMEEE ON MEEE!" and my mom was like "WHAT ARE YOU SINGING!?". Gramma specifically told me not to write about it in my blog. That's why I am. Heeee.

The next day, I was woken up by Roger saying my dad had "something important to tell me about" and I freaked out, naturally thinking he was sick or hurt or something. I called him back and he said he didn't say anything like that, so I got pissed off at Roger for lying to me to get up. Gramma said I was the one who got up the quickest but that's because I thought my damn dad was hurt, which is an evil and mean way to get someone up. Anyway we ate breakfast and then I came home after that. That's basically all that happened.

When I came back, there was Mad Magazine on my seat and a lot of stuff on my computer, like some genki beam stuff in my email and I had to play Ragnarok with Dale so I had too much to do and was overwhelmed at first. That's what I get for leaving those things alone for like, 2 days.. -___-;

Another school year over...

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

And yet another school year comes to an end this Thursday. It will be the end of my laziest and easiest year in school, and come next September it will be one of my most difficult. I hate change, and by this time next year, I will have to have..

a driver's license.
a job.
30 hours of community service logged.
gym class finished.
class dues paid.
gone to prom, maybe.
bought graduation things, including senior pictures.
gotten ready to get on my feet as an adult.

I had a talk with my dad today. He was wondering who I talked to on Xbox and on the computer so often, and when he found out that it wasn't Amanda he wondered how much they knew about me. But I'm going to be an adult soon. Anything can happen when I'm out on my own, and I don't intend to stay here much longer after I turn eighteen. He obviously wants me to stay a child forever, but soon I will have my own house and be self-supportive. After I mentioned this he said he would always be paranoid about me. I asked him why he wasn't paranoid about Steve and he said it was because Steve was a guy. That pissed me off. I can probably fend for myself better than Steve! He then said he knew there were freaks out there who pray on guys too, but he said he's just "worried about me".

It makes me think he doesn't trust me. I know what I'm doing and I'm mature enough to handle myself. I wish he would give me more credit, especially as I am going into adulthood and my senior year of high school.

Stress

Thu, 31 May 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Today was very very stressful and tiring to me.

Early this morning around 2 am I left because Dale and Amanda were annoying the hell out of me and upsetting me for laughing at me about lag. LAG! So I just said I was leaving, and left. Apparently Dale was only able to sleep a few hours because of it and I felt really bad, and we'd both put it behind us.

Then I decide I'm going to make up my hour that I owe after school. When I had to make up an hour, I only ended up making up forty minutes and she let us go early. Huzzah.

Almost immediately after that, I got called by my friends to go out for ice cream-- "my treat" said Lydia. We went to Dairy Queen; I got some chocolate strawberry thing that I didn't really like too much but it was good nonetheless. Afterwards we came back to my house and played a little Guitar Hero II and Gears of War before they had to leave. (See pictures at the end of the entry)

That's what got me started on Gears. Today was different than other days, on normal days I would neglect to get on Gears and just go right to Ragnarok Online. But today, I was on Gears: Dale said he had a friend coming over anyway and I wanted to play with them because I'd feel lonely if I was playing RO by myself. Okay, that was fine for a little while.

Until people started getting bitchy.

People were being generally jerk offs. And then Shep mutes me for no apparent reason, along with Valentine and "all the other 'only's except Moaozis, Dale, David, and Sam". What the fuck? Well, I muted him, blocked communications, removed him from my friends list and he's no longer allowed in my games. Fuck that. I don't really give second chances.

And then to top it all off Mom got all drunk and started calling about child support again. I'm not going into it, but the good part is Steve will be visiting Gramma's soon and will bring along Guitar Hero II controller so perhaps we can get some achievements together. Blahhh. (I also spoiled myself by buying Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for the Xbox 360 arcade. I'm planning on playing it with Steve tomorrow-- he said he wasn't getting back online because of the drama, and I don't blame him.)

All in all, the day wasn't "good" or "bad". It was just "tiring". Thus, after I'm done uploading this pictures I shall sleep.

Fuckers.

(the pictures are all around ~1.5.mb and 1000px wide, make sure your computer can handle it)

an update for the weekend

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 11:00:00 -0600

OK, so here’s my weekend! Well, how it went, anyway.

At the beginning of the weekend, on Saturday (before Amanda came over), Steve, Danny, Caleb, and I were all playing Mario Party 5. It was all good and dandy, even after Amanda came over. Until Steve got his attitude about losing. It seemed he got mad because I kept winning all the mini games, but he obviously was just pretending to be mad so he could quit and jump onto the computer.

Allison, Mikayla, and Steve

Thu, 06 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

"Techno would keep me up all night and day cleaning." ~Allison

Yesterday evening steve's condition was so bad that he had to go to the hospital. We stayed there for so long that was too tired for school and dad didn't care.
Because he was at work when we took Steve to the hospital. His girlfriend (Allison, who we might be moving in with) brought us there. Us as in her 6 year old child Mikayla and Steve. Mikayla's the kewlest 6 year old lil girl I've ever seen!
WHoO HoO.
XP

Oh and P.S.~ I got a CrazyLife! I won't be using it (only to comment) but if you wanna check it out you can!

4 day vacation

Mon, 03 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

Coming to school after a 4 day vacation was amazing. Everyone was surprised to see me.

"Knowledge is like baths. Only comes once a year." -Steve imitating Chris. That was funny. Since my dad brings Josh back and forth to school we were all laughing about it. He also said "Same shirt, different day".

I was tired today.

Well everyone loved the FFX-2 pictures. They took them and now they want more xD

Well I'll write more later (when I think of it!)

Next update I'll install the kewlerific icon ~ it's going to be my default. It has Paine on it.

See yahz

Sweetest Day

Sat, 21 Oct 2000 12:00:00 -0500

Today, it Sweetest day. Steven sure isn’t sweet to me though.

I Dislike Steven

Mon, 31 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

I dislike Steven. He and John took all the (ed note: hard to read what is written here. “jokes”?) It isn’t fair! I don’t care!