Transcribed on needing.space

will i ever be okay

Fri, 25 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

yesterday I didn’t write, but there wasn’t much to write to be honest with you. i worked, then i slept for like 16 hours. i should have just done the same today. feeling so heavily suicidal. like, i need to get back on my anxiety but the fact that i had such a withdrawal during vacation is scary. i don’t want to deal with that. but without any antidepressant i feel like i am so depressed that i might start self harming. and there is also the fact that i don’t really trust Maria, so i can’t even talk to her about anything. this sucks. it feels like everyone would be better off if i just died. i hate it. well, whatever… its whatever. hopefully i can go back to eating soon. i didn’t eat today. my eating disorder is acting up too much. will i ever be okay?

digitizing all of these entries

Sun, 13 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

I am working on digitizing all of these entries

i turned on web crawling so hopefully the wayback machine keeps it but i am also going to try to keep backups myself.

it has entries all the way back from 2002 crazily enough. i managed to dig up so much. even with that gap of 3 years back on this journal, i was able to fill in

makes sense already my hand is hurting from writing, its always been a lot easier to type anyway go check there for more entries! ♡

something big negative is about to happen

Thu, 03 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Long time no write. I dont want to shit up the other better journal with my bullshit.

but. it feels like something big (negative) is about to happen. its hard to explain. but if someone wants to hurt me, including myself, they should just do it. i’m such a coward. when will i ever get the courage to just end it all??

this is too painful to endure for much longer. i need to stop spending money, if im not going to be around much longer to enjoy it. just a waste. my entire life is a waste. such a disappointment

I'll Just Become The Host

Mon, 02 Jun 2025 12:00:00 -0500

I’ll just become the host, if that’s what everyone wants from me.

I probably wasn’t ever different anyway.

its lonely

Sat, 31 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

its been a while since we have updated

The june brain interviews went pretty well… an offer would be nice… but not counting on it…

for once… stasis seems ok too… been messing around with chatgpt… it was fun for like a week… but it gets old… once you see into its methods… and predictable… we had a few fun roleplays going on with it… but it broke immersion by saying weird things… can’t expect a machine to have much nuance i guess… ? maybe we can try 4.5… ?

earnin back our paper towel holder money

Fri, 23 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

went out for sushi which was good, came home & maru broke my damn paper towel holder which piss me off.

i was pettin him tellin him he owe me $50 n dom said he makes it up by catchin bugs.

tell me why i just be standin in the kitchen n he bats a huge ass cockroach onto my foot?? im like bro take that nasty shit elsewhere. so, i guess he earnin back our paper towel holder money hahaha!!

extrovert's hell of my own making

Tue, 20 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

forgot to write for a few days, oh well. had therapy today or, Anastasia did. basically just sat, and talking about the mother and him. i think she keeps forgetting to reference this diary in therapy or whatever. fine by me, as all i do in here is wah wah anyway.

speaking of wah wah, im feeling so lonely lately. i wish there was something i could do about it. most of the time, it feels like genuinely, no one actually wants to be talking to me, or wants me around in general. its such a bummer to feel this way. its really no one’s fault, and actually, ive felt this way my entire life, so its not anything new.

Now Time To Be Nervous All Week

Mon, 19 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Lost my red pen. Ah well.

Looks like we secured an interview next week for Junebrain. It’s at their stand up, with the entire company. Not nerve wracking at all…

Well, I’m sure we will do fine. They are just human beings after all. And if nothing comes of it, that is fine too.

God, I fucked up my right hand wrist, now it hurts to do anything with it, including writing. But our life must be documented.

ruminating on stupid stuff

Sun, 18 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Alisia,

another day. another nothing to note. you are playing expedition 32. rip robert pattinson.

had a good nap. worked a little bit, yay overtime. worked on the zhegao ship build, about 1/3 of the way through.

i was moody today, but you took it in stride. so, thank you. i have just been ruminating on stupid stuff. worried about you. and everything. im not much of the anxious type. maybe everything is starting to even affect me. weirdly. i dont know. im sure i will get over it. sooner than later.

pandora's box should stay shut

Sat, 17 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

can i just say that pandora’s box should just stay shut for some stuff i accidentally found some really old text files i guess better me than any one else still feels bad though im glad i got to delete some not all some just aren’t mine to delete got rid of the worst of them though

barweer sets came today finally got to start the cruise ship talking to chatgpt a little helped me through working the weekend today im sure we will get bored of it relatively quickly though we always do with novelties like this

less reliant on the phone

Thu, 15 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i made the baklava tonight. not bad for a first try, but definitely see areas for improvement. annoyingly, the mother said she had the recipe, but that would mean needing to talk to her. no thanks.

it’s funny the amount of chores we are getting done, just from not having our phone, and the ensuing boredom. you don’t realize how much of your time is sucked up by that thing until you stop using it as much.

cutting my phone time down has been a godsend

Wed, 14 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Things of note for today:

Therapy went well
Got an email back from Junebrain, a place we applied for a job. That almost never happens
Elias finally scheduled your first ketamine therapy appt! June 3. Super exciting
Actually had enough energy today to clean/organize bathroom, put up clothes, and build the two remaining shelves. Yay.
Got in a cute new case for my TCL Flip 2
Ate more of the delicious homemade lemon cheesecake ♡
Cooked some random recipe I just made up (taco noodles) and it came out really good
Overtime approved for 6 hr/wk again, and now we can work weekends! Yay again
Way ahead of schedule on work.

Honestly, I think not really using my smartphone at the moment is making me more productive. Because what else am I going to do?? There’s no reddit doomscrolling crutch to pass the time. I think not being exposed to that constant negativity has been helping, too. I still use my phone to text at work more often than I would like, but I am working on breaking that habit as well.

already feels weird w/o smartphone

Tue, 13 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

’- my new tcl flip came in, the sim card worked out of the box, no thanks to the support person trying to “help” me who was acting like it was her first day on the job. why are they so “hit or miss”?

Already feels weird w/o smartphone, what do you mean I can’t just do whatever immediately
Couples therapy yesterday was fine ig.
Made an amazing cheesecake out of Cortney’s lemons yesterday. now soon to make baklava
work drama happening which tbh isn’t even worth memorializing here lmao
Perpetually sleepy, but sleep doctor hasn’t verified our insurance yet
Danielle is so annoying w/ texting me @ 1am to ask work questions, happy to be switching numbers
There are also trauma reasons for switching that i can’t be bothered to get into
Life is chill for the moment at least for now

sunday scaries plus couples

Sun, 11 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

honestly nothin happened today and am just writin to maintain habit. went to grocery store, had a nice bonfire on what is prolly the last decent temp day before we get into satans asshole. managed to stay awake all day without a nap so thats a win. i really dont wanna go back to work tomorrow but who does??? what do lyn call them, the “sunday scaries”? yea i got those plus we got couples tmrw, and therapy is never fun. At least it prolly aint me who gotta go.

super grateful for easy days like this

Sat, 10 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

not much going on this weekend. yesterday we hung out together at walmart and had sushi in corsicana. today, just very sleepy. watched jerma, played video games. easy day.

i am super grateful for easy days like this. cortney sent some pics of soren from vacation. super cute. too cute.

tomorrow is mothers day which is always hard. just going to pretend i don’t know it’s that day. oh well.

stricken by how much i love you

Thu, 08 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Fairly uneventful day. i am truly grateful for such days, now that i don’t have many of them happening.

as always, i am stricken by how much i love you. even being around you makes me happy.

i hope we can continue to make you happy too. ♥

Life Is Too Short To Stress Over Stupid Work

Mon, 05 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

yesterday was the second to last day of our trip.

We went to Oatman first. What a neat little town with some interesting history. It was a gold rush town, but then became a ghost town. After some people decided to revitalize it, it is now a tourist town.

So many donkeys! It was a ton of fun to feed them. Plus, we could look around and see the old jail, etc. There were some really cute tortoises, too. And with so many handmade/local crafts, that is really a town I could see myself spending a lot of money in, if I visited again. Just got touristy stuff this time, though. And randomly, there was a car show in town, so we saw all the cool old cars driving around. A shopkeeper was also talking about how people brought their dogs around the donkeys, which just seems next level stupid to me.

its not going away

Sat, 03 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

today we had so much fun together. we drove from yosemite to bullhead city, arizona.

on the way, we hit red rock canyon in mohave, ca. no stamina to go walking so just a short walk, visited the visitor center, then drove around their campsite. it was truly beautiful. we accidentally got the wires mixed and you thought it was in las vegas though, so we purchased tickets for that accidentally haha i want to do that one next time though, it’s a driving one

cosplay generic guy visiting yosemite

Fri, 02 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

“Yosemite”

The mood this morning was kind of weird. We knew we wouldn’t be coming back to Cortney’s house, and that had some finality? to it. even though we decided we will come back every xmas. Still… Thankfully i remembered about the lemons. Cortney also gave us some of her honey. i want to make baklava when we get back. Seems fitting…

we left the house around 10 knowing full well we would be slower than them haha. we were going to stop @ target but there was a mixup, so we went to popeyes instead, and i paid $5 a gallon for gas for the first time in my life haha

my first proper time at the ocean

Tue, 29 Apr 2025 12:00:00 -0500

(editor’s note: may be transcription errors with this, too lazy to read the whole thing.)

lmao its now Friday night

Sunday night - yelled and woke everyone up in my sleep 0/10

Monday - Equal parts great and awful. Hours in the back of Shane’s car while he is driving like a literal crazy person up winding hills is a no go. threw up in elias’ hat & major fronted ugh. the day besides that was fun & got to see the ocean for the very first time! no whales though. we also went up to a food place on mountain (alice’s) I’m sure the food there was amazing, but we were too sick to get any. it was beautiful though, and nice that the kid got to front after years of not doing so, despite the triggers.

Just A Couple More Seconds

Fri, 25 Apr 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Raven,

We are on vacation right now. I bought this journal in hopes of archiving our life. Pictures are great, but I want to describe my emotions as well. And what better way than this?

I don’t know if we will give you this when we are done. Maybe we will keep it forever to ourselves. But knowing that I am not just tossing words into the void is a good incentive.

Things Are Very Stressful Lately

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 11:00:00 -0600

Things are very stressful at work and life lately. We probably need to move out of the country. I suddenly lost steam to write in this. Oh well.

mental health is at an all time low

Tue, 17 Dec 2024 11:00:00 -0600

yet another journal to abandon when I am bored

anyway my mental health is at an all time low. Ok maybe not all time, but it’s lower than it has been in a while. most days i feel like it would be better if i was dead. lately, i have even been planning killing myself. i don’t think i can tell anyone about it though. for a lot of reasons. it doesn’t feel like anyone actually cares anyway.

why am i such a coward

Wed, 14 Aug 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Why, in the face of change or adversity, am I such a coward?

I looked up TLC today and it made me feel so bad. Even seeing Duby’s face made me so sick. It makes me feel awful that she is still at TLC. I should have just stayed. I am sure that Hana would give me my job back, or another job, if I emailed, but then I would have to work with Duby and (potentially?) Mikolai and I don’t know how I would navigate that. I’ve been thinking about just calling Hana to see how the company is going or something, but I’m too much of a coward even for that. I know TLC would also be way more work and probably not be fulfilling, but I can’t help but wonder…

will i ever feel like i am enough

Fri, 09 Aug 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Will I ever feel like I am enough? probably not. It makes me so sad that it seems like everyone doesn’t trust me and is annoyed by me. I am thinking it may be better for me to just quit therapy. I am a lost cause, so why pay $100 a month hearing that? It doesn’t make sense. Just a waste of money. I am so sad… everytime it feels like things are getting better, something bad happens.

Worst Day Back Is The First One

Mon, 24 Jun 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Just got back from vacation, which was super fun. I’ll try to write the details somewhere soon, so we don’t forget. Unfortunately, the house is messy to the point that I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I’ll just do it slowly, bit by bit.

Still having nightmares about sem after all this time. I don’t know if they can even be categorized as nightmares. More just weird. You’d think I’d be over it by now. Guess not… it has been 12 years though, I guess that shows what an impact it had on me. Maybe I need to reflect on it some more.

dont feel like its worth the fight

Wed, 05 Jun 2024 12:00:00 -0500

lately i been thinkin a lot about death + suicide. i wonder if it would be better if i was dead. it would be less exhaustin for sure. alot of days lately it dont feel like its worth the fight. the fatigue is just so fukin bad.

i read online that death can be peaceful. people who have near death experiences, dont want to wake up. like, death is like wakin up from a long dream… well, we will experience it one day. maybe im scared of sufferin before death. that lack of control… i can see why euthanasia is a mercy for some people. but for someone who is just lost + tired of life? maybe not… i dunno. it’s weird to think about.

life seems so useless right now

Thu, 30 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i think maybe its just cuz of being the emotions releaser, but i feel like i personally always get affected by our dreams the most. i am tired of the dream where we find our old stuff that we lost over the years. that shit is gone and it aint coming back. but for some reason tryin to come to terms with that is too hard.

we keep havin health issues an its mostly annoyin cuz its upsettin elias + them. actually dealin w them is what ever. i mean i guess we dont really care about ourselves anyway

upset about work but not showing it

Wed, 29 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Of course I am upset about work, but i am going to do my best to not show it. it’s a waste of time to make every one else upset about it.

i want my office to be the sanctuary

Tue, 28 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

I want my office to be the sanctuary. I know it can be. I just need to figure out what it needs. A couch? A lamp? Wall decorations? Something ???

Honesty Is Fucking Us Over

Wed, 22 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Honestly, its a little disappointing to hear that Brittany is excluding us from opportunities because we were honest about wanting to switch departments. Disappointing, but not surprising. This is why people tend to not tell their bosses when they want to do this. We were trying to be thoughtful, but once again, as always, our honesty is fucking us over. As it goes.

depression is super bad right now

Tue, 21 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Guess we have a new old journal… don’t know when I think Elias gave it to us.

I’m nervous to even be writing in here, but i guess that’s the only resort we have left.

Depression is super bad right now. not sure what to do. everything seems hopeless. I think our sickness and dizziness is being caused by keeping things inside. We have gone back to our old eating disorder ways - just can’t help it. I think it is that feeling of being trapped. and not in control of anything.

Work Is Being So Dumb

Mon, 20 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Work is being so dumb. [large redacted/blacked out block of text, likely venting about work]

Anyway, guess i’ll get back to my job that I apparently am awful at. Should probably just go die or something and save the world from another fucking awful employee.

we will get our ipad tomorrow

Sun, 31 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was fine. nothing really happened. heard that next wknd, we will need to get up early to take Phil to some church thing. not looking forward to that.

we will get our ipad tomorrow, which i am looking forward to. we don’t buy electronics very often so we always look forward to the new ones.

last week with gabby as manager too. which sucks, she is an awesome manager. we will miss her.

i love weekend

Sat, 30 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was pretty good!!

i slept a lot but was able to get well rested. thank god for the weekend.

now i just have to get up tomorrow for church (for phil), but it should be okay to still rest a lot.

i ♡ weekend

kurtis was really funny except for dean

Fri, 29 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

went to kurtis’ show. it was really funny except for dean. he is such an unfunny asshole. like no one wants to hear your jokes about children’s genitalia and suicide. fucker.

other than that, the day was chill. Neecie is still being a dickhead to Elias but what’s new. i hate her so much and genuinely am glad she’s not my manager, really not looking forward to being promoted if we have her annoying ass to deal with.

Tomorrow We See Kurtis Live

Thu, 28 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Tomorrow, we will go and see kurtis live. It sucks that he took Dean with him because Dean is a fuckboi but it can’t be helped.

Gabby made the mistake of telling me I already hit my numbers for the month, so I am going to be extra lazy tomorrow.

The assholes @ Apple delayed my iPad shipment by a week, so now I have to wait. Very unfortunate.

Nothing else going on, really.

finished breaking bad

Wed, 27 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was pretty boring. we finished breaking bad which was great, but now we are bored because there’s nothing else to do. we will start better call saul soon, after we watch the brba movie which i haven’t seen yet. i hope it closes out jesse’s story more than brba did. i know the show was more about walt, but i still cared about jesse too.

the next few days will be weird for our routine. we aren’t doing horses this week on Thursday and Friday night we are going to Kurtis’ show. so it will be weird.

feeling super sick

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Can’t really write, i’m feeling super sick but i need to write something to keep up the routine

almost done w/ BrBa. excited to finish. Stayed up late tonight to watch extra episodes.

i think i’m sick because i didn’t feel hungry so i forgot to eat and then i ate but felt sick from it.

ugh i hope it goes away soon.

gotta get my shit together

Mon, 25 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

I started to read the total money makeover because I realized you can rent audiobooks from the library. It’s good but the guy narrating it (probably the author) is kind of a jerk? he yells a lot lmao. also, I found a bunch more books i want to try.

but in the spirit of getting my finances on track, i finally did my budget after ignoring it for months and whew… i should not have ignored it. gotta get my shit together.

Needed A Self-Care Day

Sun, 24 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Didn’t end up going painting whoops. didn’t feel good enough even though i feel guilty for canceling on florence. i just needed to have a self-care day today.

mostly just slept, not much else to do. just got to the episode where hank confronts walt about being heisenberg and damn it was good. this show is so good.

back to work tomorrow, rip….

goddamn you walt

Sat, 23 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Went to the cat cafe today. It was fun but thankfully none of the cats grew on me enough that I would want to adopt them.

Tomorrow, we will be seeing Florence for the first time in a few years to do her painting class. It should be fun. The only thing I’m sad about is that it’s on a Sunday night which is seriously unfortunate timing for anyone who works a 9 to 5 like we do. Still, it will be nice to see her again.

i want an ipad

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

kind of too tired to write much. today was fine except for when i got dizzy + shaky + migraine from forgetting to eat.

gabby announced she’s quitting which sucks nuts for me, but i’m happy for her. just worried the next person is going to be micro managing + i don’t like that. anna said she’s going to let herself be fired but i think she’s just being over dramatic as usual.

too hot to be riding horses

Thu, 21 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Today, we went to ride horses. Elias almost had an asthma attack. It was probably too hot to be riding horses. Maybe we can skip next week. It is Friday tomorrow. I have two trainings that I don’t want to do. I hope they are easy.

This weekend, we will see the kitties, and paint. It will be very fun. I can’t wait.

Have a good sleep!

i bought an ipad today

Wed, 20 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i bought an ipad today, it should come in a week. i’m surprised apple gave me 1k worth of financing, but i appreciate it haha.

if i find a way to move this journal digitally, i might end up doing that. it would probably be more efficient than this. apparently this paper is 8X11 and the ipad is 10.2 inches so it won’t be much smaller than this notebook.

i am excited for it to arrive! i will mostly use it for planning. i won’t really notice it in my budget either because im about to pay off my phone which costs more or less the same.

sad steve canceled his visit

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

nothing bad going on except breaking bad is getting really good. i finally near the end of season 4 where gus gets killed. i don’t remember much about who is the antagonist in season 5 tho so it’s going to be news to me work is boring as always lots of trainings this week, but none tomorrow, just my meeting w/ gabby.

we set up a painting class with florence this weekend, so on top of the cat cafe, it’s going to be busy. im excited!

No Adopting, We'll See

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

We took Evil and Toni to the vet today. They behaved really well, but we got annoyed because they needlessly scruffed Evil. We will tell them next time not to do that.

Other than that, not much happened. We scheduled to go to the Houston Cat Cafe this weekend. I think that will be really fun. They also allow you to adopt them. Raven said no adopting, and I said, “We’ll see” ahaha.

journaled for 30 days in a row

Sun, 17 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

journaled for 30 days in a row. wow haha. pretty impressive.

had a weird dream while napping. about a guy stalking and raping us. not a very good dream. how annoying.

i don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. we have a lot of training happening this coming week. boo.

too lazy to learn new things. just want to keep the status quo.

such a great time at the macabre market

Sat, 16 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

we had such a great time at the macabre market today… really enjoyed it…

then we went to the black bear cafe which was really good…

then we watched blackfish which showed how terrible seaworld is… i knew it was bad but didn’t know it was that bad…

then we watched the Date: 2011 c-ute and s/mileage concert… the set list was just “ok”… dawa is so good though…

that’s all…

lazy as shit at work

Fri, 15 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Happy bday Toni!! :)

Today I was lazy as shit. barely did anything @ work and then did nothin after work. i don’t front much anymore so I try to enjoy it while I can… by not workin hahaha

anyways I should sleep. good night

i want to buy a planner

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i want to buy a planner but i’m trying not to spend money. ugh i try so hard to be “good” and it still feels like i’m constantly broke, anyway so like who even cares?

i went to the horses today and that was fun. even though Lacey was busy so we had a different wrangler, who took us back 15 min early, like… that’s messed up man. we paid for an hour lesson, we already didn’t make you teach us anything, but ur still going to bring us back early… wow.

today was so dumb

Wed, 13 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was so dumb! the water thing outside broke so i tried to fix it and i got drenched! plus on top of that, we were playing isaac using a R-key seed and after an hour into the run i accidentally took another active item and it glitches out when it’s on two player and turns it into a different item! wtf… -_-

today has just been too stressful. i hope tomorrow is better. we have horses tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up!- except that it’s record highs and has been in the hundreds and is supposed to rain… uh oh

working on eating more normally

Tue, 12 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Nothing happened today. It was a slow and boring day. We have been having plenty of these lately. I wonder if we can find something interesting to do. Maybe we can come up with a hobby or something. Horses are a good hobby but we can only do them one time a week.

Right now we are reading the Fuck It Diet. We just finished Intuitive Eating. These books are really good. We are working on eating more normally and less diet-y. It’s easier said than done. Today we tried to not have coffee and eat breakfast instead, but we didn’t like it.

Try Not To Die Of Heat Exhaustion

Mon, 11 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Boring Monday. The only interesting thing that happened is that we are watching Breaking Bad. We just got to the part where Jesse kills Gale. Poor Jesse. He’s just trying to do the right thing, and Walt pulled him into such a bad world. I feel for him.

Other than that, nothing new. Going to go do horses on Thurs and try not to die of heat exhaustion. It’s been in the hundreds and record highs lately, which is saying quite a bit considering this is Texas!

power is out in 100 degree weather

Sun, 10 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Can’t write much, power is out, 100 degree weather and a freaking storm knocked the power out. How the hell am I supposed to sleep like this??

Umami fest was very fun by the way. We bought 2 keychains and had a sweet potato corn dog from Krazy Dogs. It was very yummy.

I am going to go downstairs again, because it is too hot up here with no AC!!

so drunk haha cant

Sat, 09 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i am too drunk to write much… watched the Date: 2019 angerme nakanishi kana grad concert… oota haruka was in it which is weir… she was only there for like five minutes before she was suspended for leaking info-… poor girl… she deserved better…

umami fest tomorrow… looking forward to it…

so drunk haha… cant… had 32oz sushi and didn’t even finish it…

sleepy time xoxo

I Wish Every Week Was This Easy

Fri, 08 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

I really don’t know what to write here. There’s nothing new going on, and I have the same worries I always have. It isn’t even worth chronicling the same worries as always. And nothing happened today, except that it was the last easy day from the easy week, and Monday, everything will be back to normal, which is a huge disappointment. I wish every week was as easy as this one was.

just want the weekend to come already

Thu, 07 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

just want the weekend to come already. its friday tomorrow at least. we plan to go to a festival called umamifes this weekend. should be fun. had horses today which was also, fun.

even though this was supposed to be a “light” week at work. it felt busy. if only anna would actually carry her weight. it wouldn’t be as bad. but she’s useless. as usual.

also worried about money. how will we ever afford to live. it’s a mystery.

angry at everything what's new

Wed, 06 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

ugh so annoyed at work. they need to actually correct me properly if they are going to correct me. damn it.

nothing else happened today. just took a nap and had our labs drawn. so annoying that we have to do that every 3 months.

um… yeah, i’m just in a bad mood tonight. angry at everything. what’s new.

fewer nightmares and way fewer mistakes

Tue, 05 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

had a hell of a day. couldn’t sleep all last night and when i did sleep it was just trauma nightmares.

plus i screwed up @ work, i don’t even know why they keep me w/how much i screw up. i feel bad and especially embarrassed because it’s my boss that keeps catching it, like… ugh.

talking to Raven helped a lot though. she helped a lot today. she put away the groceries and took care of the animals while i took a nap. i don’t deserve to be treated so kindly, but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Stupid July 4th And Stupid Fireworks

Mon, 04 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Stupid July 4th and stupid fireworks. The only good thing about today was that we got the day off. The rest of the week is supposed to be a “bare minimum” week, but still. Notlooking forward to going in tomorrow and dealing with work. Why can’t I just be independently wealthy. Plus there are so many things to buy and so little money. I don’t know what I’ll do to survive. Sigh.

headache and migraine auras all day

Sun, 03 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was pretty boring so not much to talk about here.. just took phil to church, played a little isaac, and slept. had a headache and migraine auras all day, so didn’t really feel like doing anything else but that. also got some starbucks while waiting for phil to get out and talked to dad a little bit

need to sleep now midnight

Got Our Septum Pierced Today

Sat, 02 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Got our septum pierced today. Really excited because it looks so good! Just had a really good day all together. And glad we are having a 3 day weekend and light workload week.

Steve said he will be coming down at the end of July. That is also when we are seeing Kurtis Conner live ahaha. We want to go horseback riding w/ Steve.

That’s all for today!

managed to resist buying a planner

Fri, 01 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

got paid so i got some fish from razzo’s. i don’t think i’ll be spending much money for the next couple of months though. managed to resist buying myself a planner, which was hard. but i really can’t be spending money right now. just hope i can keep up with my finances. gas is so expensive now, it’s crazy…

payday already annoyed me

Thu, 30 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

getting paid tomorrow but already annoyed about it, because i know we will have to spend all our money right away. and can’t really indulge for several months.

At least we will get our septum pierced this wknd- looking forward to that.

gave myself the 300 lashes

Wed, 29 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

made a mistake @ work today and gave myself the 300 lashes :(

watching breaking bad again and having fun w/ it. wish we would have had enough time to take a bath together though! :( today was super busy @ work too.. hopefully not as busy tomorrow!

when plans change i get pissy

Tue, 28 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

horses were kind of disappointing today because we had a different wrangler and i had to ride blue. we didn’t get to practice trotting because i didn’t feel comfortable doing so on him. the wrangler was nice, but i just really prefer to have some normalcy. idk if it’s my autism or what but when plans change, i can get kind of pissy.

i told Elias that if her owner keeps taking shaker, on Tuesdays, we should change our ride days to Thursday. he was reluctant to agree but realized he’d been pretty lucky to always ride Wilkie so he said it’s okay if we need to change.

Scared Of Trotting

Mon, 27 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Horses tomorrow. I love being on the horse but hate starting up. I hate getting on it and also waiting for the ride to start. I wish I could fall in love with the starting process, too.

Until I do, I will always be annoyed with having to drive there, waiting around. Etc.

I’m also scared of trotting, so I need more practice with that. I can’t post for shit. I’ll keep practicing and doing my best.

very sleepy sunday

Sun, 26 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was very sleepy. mostly just slept. what a great way to spend a sunday.

unfortunately alisia hasn’t been feeling too good today, so we didn’t really get to do much together. i hope by sleeping, she will feel better.

not ready to go back to work yet… sigh haha.

criminal minds finally finished

Sat, 25 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Saturday…

criminal minds finally finished… no clue what we are going to watch next… that was 15 seasons so we have been watching it for a while…

also didn’t take adderall today… so i slept most of the day… at least it felt good to sleep… haha…

glad it’s the weekend…

getting used to this new found energy

Fri, 24 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

lately i have been feeling restless and wanting to get more accomplished. i haven’t been able to start any of my hobbies back again for some reason.

still trying to get used to this new found energy. i guess.

i wish my sunburn would stop peeling too. and i’m not feeling well. tonight. feeling kind of sick? hard to describe.

i hope sleeping it off will work..

good night!!!

i can journal however i like

Thu, 23 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today i am so cold. i just got out of the shower oops (ah not this one too oh then it goes)

Amanda says i am journaling wrong but screw her bc Stephanie says i can journal however i like.

the irs still owes me money those bastards. sum bullshit!

tomorrow is friday. today i took it really easy today because there wasn’t much easy work. but i still hit my bare minimum. i might have to do that tomorrow too.

work was productive today

Wed, 22 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Work was productive today. but i felt tired all day and slept in later than usual. i accidentally have therapy tomorrow because she scheduled us for this week instead of next week. i don’t know what to talk to her about. maybe we will come up with something.

more trotting was kind of scary

Tue, 21 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was good. we went horse back riding and did more trotting it was kind of scary, but i think with more practice, i will be less scared. i was allowed to ride shaker even though her owner was there which was really nice of them, they definitely didn’t have to let me ride her.

um not much else went on today. it was a slow easy day at work so i’m thankful. i just hope gabby doesn’t get on me about only doing OCTS and segmentation. those are just the quick, easy ones to do. i’m too lazy to do the other ones haha.

Trying To Keep Up With Journaling

Mon, 20 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

I got a lot done today. I had enchiladas for dinner, but they made my stomach hurt. I want to watch Chii-chan’s grad concert some time this week.

Tomorrow is horses. I love them, but I know it will be hot. I hope it doesn’t exacerbate my sun burn. I will need to drink lots of water. My stamina is getting better, though. I am excited and I hope they have Shaker for me to ride.

want to keep being lazy forever

Sun, 19 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i don’t have anything to write about tonight. i don’t want to go back into work tomorrow, i am so lazy. i just want to keep being lazyyy

someone give me 10 million dollars so i can just be lazy forever please

i don’t even know why i feel this way cuz my job is super easy and i have nothing to complain about. lmao

at least i can keep listening to audiobooks while i’m working!

Happy Birthday 32

Sat, 18 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Today was our birthday - 32. It was very fun. We got lots of presents and they were all amazing. The cake was also very good. I’m glad we have someone who spoils us, even though we usually don’t have the money to spoil them. I will try to get them lots of stuff next year if finances allow.

Wish I could sleep in tomorrow, but it’s church day. Maybe someday Phil will learn how to drive himself…

i am so excited to go to schlitterbahn

Thu, 16 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i am so excited. to go to Schlitterbahn. tomorrow. i can’t wait. i’m nervous too. i don’t know how it will go. i think i will have fun. but also i will be blind. haha.

after that is. our birthday. i don’t know what Elias + Them got us. i am very curious. i’m happy for the. three day weekend. and looking forward. to the weekend.

long time no write

Wed, 15 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

long time no write. i promised the therapist that i would journal so here it is. i don’t really ever know what to write about tho.

i ended up being hired @ merit as well. its pretty awesome

tonight i watched the Date: 2022 anju concert and it was really good.

um that’s all

Couldn't Be Happier Or Prouder

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 12:00:00 -0500

Update: Literally the next day, Elias got a job offer. They are very good, and I hope this place will actually appreciate them.

It’s at a place that does medical imaging, he’s going to be looking @ eyes all day. Super happy and proud of him. We went out to eat @ Cheesecake Factory to celebrate and then went to Barnes and Noble.

Couldn’t be happier or prouder of him (& them). I’m so happy.

life keeps going

Wed, 01 Sep 2021 12:00:00 -0500

It’s going to be hard, it looks like Elias may finally be getting laid off. I think it’s a blessing in disguise though. Welocalize has proven to be the shittiest little garbage company ever created. He already has a lot of promising interviews anyway.

Curious to see how it turns out. with how slow I am to update this thing, I’ll be Christmas and long past this dilemma so hopefully I can write an update.

got a raise at work

Wed, 02 Jun 2021 12:00:00 -0500

Yesterday I got a raise @ work! That was nice. Last week, Phil and I went up to Fort Worth so that we could go to the potluck. It was fun.

This past weekend we decided to go no contact with the mother in law because she did something really horrible. I don’t like the way she has chosen to live her life. I think it’s pretty pathetic.

Today I had a really bad dr appt. It’s getting old to hear I’m fat. I know I am.

the end of an era

Thu, 25 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

tomorrow is the last day @ welocalize and it’s so weird?? they offered me a position on the financial team, but i’ve had a few interviews with better fits. i had already “accepted” the position with welo and it feels kind of bad to renege but it’s my life and i need to do my best for myself. not for anyone else, especially a company that treats their employees as disposable

You Worry Too Much

Tue, 23 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

Today we got laid off basically without any notice?? Very weird and upsetting. We knew it was a contract position, but a group call isn’t the place to drop that info suddenly. Veronika and John were equally as confused.

I feel like such a baby for being upset by it. Especially since I have interviews tomorrow. I also feel bad that I am judging my emotions because I know they are valid. Doesn’t make me feel any less guilty though.

this last week was absolute chaos

Sat, 20 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

this last week was absolute chaos. between trauma dates, super busy work and the winter storm it snowed a lot for texas and everyone’s power had gone out.

on the bright side, i got paid on friday and i started a latch hook. it’s a rainbow latchhook. i hope i can finish it within the next few weeks.

i am going to have an interview next wednesday for a jewelry place and i had one last week for a freelance health care position. i am just mad at localice for how terrible and busy this week has been.

it's supposed to be texas

Sat, 13 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

today it is Saturday. it is supposed to snow tomorrow. the low is 8°! can you believe it? it’s supposed to be texas…

tomorrow is valentines day! ♡ after that is… ☹

excuse to use my stickers

Fri, 12 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

hey! long time no talk. the only real big change we have is, that we got our top surgery done! yay ♡

honestly the only reason i am picking this back up is so i have an excuse to use my stickers haha. and various other stationery.

today i’m having my follow up appt for top surgery. wish me luck!! ♡

I am trying to get over my anxiety of using stickers lol

Tomorrow Is A New Day

Thu, 13 Feb 2020 11:00:00 -0600

The message written before this entry: “Tomorrow is a new day, cherish it.”

That is a much needed message. Thank you.

It’s been a long, terrible week. Good and bad, really.

I’m having trouble telling the difference between dreams, reality and hallucinations lately.

Everything is just blending together. Maybe this is a sign of too much stress. I do not know.

I am ready to turn the page to a new chapter of our life. One without Hoodoo, completely.

triggers are everywhere

Tue, 04 Feb 2020 11:00:00 -0600

i ain’t got no day to day shit to talk about. grandma has been on our mind lately. we can’t stop thinking an dreaming about her… we keep thinking about all the good + bad. last night she came to me in a dream. i asked her if she was alive an for the first time she said, “no i am in your dream. but i’am always with you. + proud of you.”

Halloween Was Amazing

Thu, 31 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Halloween was amazing. So lucky to have such good friends. And I am playing a lot of girls game.

mac and cheese for the work potluck

Wed, 30 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

This year we are making mac+cheese for the work potluck.

tomorrow is tool

Sat, 26 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

tomorrow is tool!! so excited. worth every penny even though i know we are struggling a bit for money. nothing a little crowd collect can’t solve…

too tired to write any else.

ps let this day forever be known as the day dr. evil attempted to eat an entire bag of bagels.

grateful for…

concert
today felt like a sunday
easy job
able to pay bills
got debt consolidation

not in the spooky torture house

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Missed yesterday oh well. Not my fault/problem. Today was a good day. I was super lazy at work today. It’s a Thursday so we are on the lazy side…

This weekend is tool & I am super excited!

I am also super tired. I don’t know how or why. I hope I can get into a new psych soon. I am figuring it out, but for now just sticking with Baylor, but with a different doctor. My current doctor sucks big old monkey nuts.

everything lookin up

Tue, 22 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

grateful we could refinance my credit cards.

decided to call today and get shit done

we also have our intro appt. with legacy comm health tomorrow.

everything lookin up

restless

hopefully not manic

Grateful To Be Alive

Mon, 21 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Grateful to be alive.

I don’t really know what to say here tonight. I haven’t really been in a good mood, emotionally. I am just trying to be positive. At least Dr Zwiener filled our meds. That’s another thing to be grateful for, even if she is being a butt otherwise.

Tired. Sorry for short.

finally get fridge food

Sun, 20 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today i am grateful for toni having a backyard… i am also grateful for our new fridge…

today toni hurt her leg and was so dramatic about it… it was funny.

today we went to heb the first time since we got our fridge… it feels good to finally get fridge food… we got a big tub of ice cream haha… even with all we bought it barely fills it up…

funny new skeleman

Sat, 19 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today i am grateful for:

Funny new skeleman (mr bones)

good food

our fridge

we got our fridge. and can i just say it’s amazing. i love it. for the first time in my life i am looking forward to food shopping.

haha, i am very happy. we also went to the halloween store. that was really fun. i cant wait to go again next year. and maybe dress up next year.

no more tiny fridge hell

Fri, 18 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today we finally got a full sized fridge. no more tiny fridge hell. true that it won’t be delivered until tomorrow

our first plan was to put it on credit, a brand new one for $800. then i found a really cheap working one that delivers for $350 - $80 for delivery. so we were able to avoid putting it on credit which is badass.

not much else happened today. filled meds. looking into getting a new psych/gp. you know the usual “adult” boring shit

today was a good day

Thu, 17 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Grateful:

Got paid
Can afford meds
Found new doctor
Job is easy
Job pays living wage
Today felt short
Fridge!!!

Not gonna lie, there was a lot of negativity today that I could write about, but I would rather stay positive. what will I be for halloween….

I am happy because of the prospect of a new doctor, I want to go to the clinic that has many doctors all in one. That would be more convenient.

enough money to support ourselves

Wed, 16 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Today I am grateful that we have enough money to support ourselves.

It was ok today. Not much noteworthy happened. The Tool concert is coming up quickly and we are excited.

This weekend we are getting new glasses (overdue) and going to the Halloween store. Alisia should be fronting so that will be fun. We are also going to the Chinese buffet.

-Noah

(later entry that day)

眠りたいなーいつもお腹がなんかいっぱい。大好きですけど、ダイエットみたいーダイエットじゃない、頑張りますなのに、終わりはちょっとダメです。じゃー今眠りますーおやすみ

weird ass problem to have

Tue, 15 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

grateful: working car, easy job, loving partner

today i woke up. work was fine. goin to draw for secret santa tomorrow. the most enjoyable thing about work is having friends there. even tho hannah has all but fallen out

went back to the gym today did the eliptical for 30 min + had a massage after. shit was good.

appetite continues to be a problem. always full.

we need to start eating more but its just so hard. we cant even weigh ourselves or track calories without triggerin ourselves. all it would say is too much weight loss + not enough food.

Everything Turned Out Fine

Mon, 14 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Everything turned out fine. Better than fine, actually. We aren’t overeating or over spending anymore! And we are really happy in general. This is probably the best we have ever felt.

I ate so much today! I’m so full

Before Wellbutrin that wouldn’t have made me full, but here we are.

Overall life is going great. And this Friday we will actually be caught up on bills. I am super excited!

too much going on right now

Sat, 03 Aug 2019 12:00:00 -0500

on friday they sent us home early because apple is trying to get its shit together

that day, we got called back about being accepted at tuckahoe

the next day we found out about stacey being terminal

too much going on right now… hard to actually think… that’s why i wanted to write… since it’s such a transition & worry period..

incredible pizza was very fun

Sun, 14 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0500

we went to incredible pizza this past weekend + it was very fun. i will want to go back sometime. but it made me miss dave and busters too.

not much else going on besides what happened a few weeks ago. went from 204 lb to 196 lb in the first week. nice water weight haha.

future self - how was moving

Sun, 07 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0500

i am only writing in this because we are having trouble going to sleep. lots of stuff keeping me up. took a nap earlier + regretting it. because it’s now 10:30 and i have to be up at 5. thinking about how we are back on Weight Watchers. and how we are moving soon. which is nerve wracking and i hope it goes alright. future self - how was moving??

Bet You Thought You Saw The Last Of Me

Fri, 05 Apr 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Bet you thought you saw the last of me?

Today was our last day at vtg. Mixed feelings but I think (hope) we are going and doing the right thing. If not, I don’t know. Only time will tell all I do know is that environment had grown really toxic, mostly because of Jessica. Looking forward to being in a place that doesn’t have everyone at five years.

Welocalize is the new place. Hope they are good. Linguistics Tester also sounds cool on a resume. Hopefully we can move closer north because the commute will hard core suck until then.

spit in the face

Mon, 10 Sep 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Elias got the job he wanted.

I am going to be stupidly cold to my doctor. I really rather dislike her now so I will just have very bare politeness.

This is what I get for actually trying to improve myself. Spit in the face.

I cant wait to die tbh. Maybe in a few years when I get my debt paid off?

hope tomorrow is super boring

Sun, 22 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Tomorrow is Steve’s birthday.

This weekend was weird RVAH was being shitty so Alex just quit. I can tell already that they are less stressed. We are less stressed as well.

I am curious to see how quick they will get a job. They are taking their time and making sure its a M-F office job, which is so much better.

We had good eats this weekend. Tomorrow is our dirt 1 year anniversary. hope tomorrow is going to be super boring. Bluh

Spoiler Alert: I Didn't Keep It Updated

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Spoiler alert: I didn’t keep it more updated. I’m not sure how to start after so long. We both got on T and we got a cat. Elias is quitting his job next week. Last week he passed out and had to go to the ER.

All that besides… I will try to write about my day.

I woke up very tired. Elias has had many days off this week. My new phone, Pixel 2, came in. I dropped the auto refinance paperwork at the UPS. We are not getting misgendered at all anymore. A customer at UPS called us “that gentleman”. The brother says we grow a beard better than he does.

Long Time No Write

Sat, 14 Apr 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Long time no write. A few things have happened. We went on vacation a few weeks ago, and it was so fun! Went to Louisiana. It was a good recharge, and I can’t wait to do it again soon.

Today we went to the Japan Festival which was also very fun. We saw Tia and ate Japanese food. We were unprepared financially, so I would like to go with more money next time.

just looking forward to vacation

Wed, 28 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

have not written in awhile; not sure what significant happened.

next week is week long vacation
Elias quit therapy
furniture
we got a haircut
decided to try to maintain weight for awhile
divorce happening - soonish??

that’s all i can think of right now - i’m tired so i don’t want to go into too much detail

we have so much in our lives to do

just looking forward to vacation, finally

hirin movers for the couch

Fri, 16 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

this week was kinda average. gettin to know lea more which is nice. seems like a nice person.

gonna move all the shit around cuz we got furniture from the family. hirin movers so we dont gotta move the couch ourselves. aint sure what we gonna do bout the old couch.

i know elias + them feel bad about the move. just wish i could do more to help.

anyways can’t think of anything else

size medium suck that universe

Sun, 11 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

today we went to see game night but ended up seein black panther instead cuz game night was messed up. it was good anyways.

aint wantin to go back to work cuz had a 3 day weekend but whatever. we will figure it out when we fukin get back

hit 191 for our weight + hopefully that shit will fukin have us satisfied for a few weeks. hopin to be around ~187 by the end of march

sick and tired of myself

Sun, 04 Mar 2018 11:00:00 -0600

So sick & tired of myself, like, stupid bitch, do you ever stop & think about anyone but yourself? And you have the nerve to wonder why no one wants to be around you? Maybe its because yours a stupid selfish fucking bratty bitch? Ever think about that?

God I am so disgusted and disgusting lmao!! The day that I finally get the courage to off myself is the day that all of humanity recovers from whatever bullshit my life has put them through.

Delusional Bitch

Sat, 03 Mar 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I am my alters.

Why do I pretend?

I have no trauma.

Richard is me.

Anastasia is me.

They are all just me.

Delusional bitch.

Mom was right.

Unloveable.

Rocky Waters With Literally Everything

Thu, 01 Mar 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I wish we weren’t on rocky waters with literally everything. We have been in serious “push everyone away” mode & grumpy about it to boot. Getting into arguments for no reason, trying to isolate, etc.

I think it’s because we have been in the apartment officially, one year. Has us stir crazy & trying to sabotage. However, we will be going on a trip for a week soon and hopefully that will reset our brain.

i deserve a damn medal

Sun, 25 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

’- 10% raise @ my job yay!

someone merged into me and scratched my car, boo
down to 195/broke plateau yay!
work party was talking about spanking and turned into group therapy, boo!

anyway, i have been super consistent w/ working out + i think i deserve a damn medal. i’ve been super consistent about journaling too actually. in fact i have been getting into a routine which feels as awesome as it does weird! it helps so much & i actually feel like my life is finally getting stable which is awesome & scary lol

hi i am pretty shitfaced

Fri, 23 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Dear diary

Hi I am pretty shitfaced how are you? I hope you’re doin pretty good too. Yr great

today sure was a day

Tue, 20 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

today sure was a day. tons of good news, tons of stress. found out that elias’ family is moving which is stress, but got a 10% raise which is good. enclosing the review papers.

i stress ate like an entire small dominos’ pizza and still only ended up 600 over and still under my tdee plus i undereate yesterday so its fine. mostly just frustrating to think my emotional eating isn’t over yet. thought i was done with that.

sort sort sort

Mon, 19 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

organize. organize memory

here - emotion there - separate,

then forget - try to

forget - hope you don’t

remember - no sleep

rest mechanical robot

everything is the exact

same as much as it is

different - trauma

the same feelings about

rollerskating in the basement

while its dark as having a

gum pointed in our face

no feelings no gathering

no judging

sort

size fucking 12

Sat, 17 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Size fucking 12!!!

Don’t look now but I am in a size 12! And I bought underwear at a large and its a little too big for me!!

I’m a “medium” in underwear? What the hell??

The scale told me 198.0 this morning but judging from my waist size most of that is water weight (probably retained from exercise)

Size 12 tho?!! I’m back into normal jeans and I don’t feel weird about it?!

review delayed til next week

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

review delayed ‘til next week. raise heavily implied. feelin less anxious bout it now.

don’t want to talk about nothin else. feel like shit. what’s new.

Dear Universe, Can Tomorrow Be Over Already

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Dear Universe, can tomorrow just be over with already? Cranked my Anxiety Meds up to 1.5 as per the doctors orders and it couldn’t be happening on a better night because I’m so worried about the yearly review trauma date one-two punch tomorrow.

Today, however, was lovely. Spent the day with my wife and cooked chili in the Instant Pot. It turned out great. I did, however, accidentally spill water on my wireless headphones and shorted them out. Ah, well. Another one bites the dust.

nothing like being anxious for two months

Tue, 13 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

my back hurts. apparently we are starting this crazy strict workout plan, now that we are settled in. it’s probably a good thing to have something to focus our energy on.

We are going to have our yearly review in a few days, just wish we could get that over with lmao. nothing like being anxious for two months for essentially no reason.

honestly, i’m surprised we have kept up this journal streak for this long. Maybe we are becoming creatures of habit? lmao yeah right.

The Week That Never Ends

Mon, 12 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

This is the week that never ends. Jesus. The review looms closer. Just Wednesday to get through, then the review. Super unfortunate that it’s so slow @ work right now, hard to prove that we have made progress. My biggest worry is that we are going to get lots of criticism, which we can’t really take on such a big trauma date.

Why did we have to get hired on this date in particular?! Crazy unlucky.

Everything Is Crumbling Around Me

Sun, 11 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Couldn’t write yesterday; went to the museum with Phillip + Elias + Florence’s family, but Richard got shitfaced last night so he couldn’t write. The museum was really fun. The memories will last forever. I want to go back soon.

Upset because we essentially lost Katie as a friend today. She decided to tell Mari that we were avoiding her, essentially. Which is bullshit. We don’t really know how to handle the situation except start avoiding all together which is what we were doing anyway, really. It just sucks that we lost pretty much the only person outside of Elias that we felt we could really trust. It goes along with our 1-year mark, doesn’t it? Throw things away. Set them on fire. Sometimes things get rid of themselves. Fucking good!

our good luck strikes again

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Our good luck strikes again. after thinking about calling in today, we got to go home at noon because some guy broke our power. glad because we are going with florence + her family to the science museum tomorrow also taking phillip

The doctor upped our lexapro, to 1.5 dosage. we will probably fill the other one first though so we don’t waste a refill. we weren’t able to go get them refilled today because of the going home early

probably just take a nap

Thu, 08 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Guess who is not reading that previous page? This guy

I accidentally took a day off today bc I was supposed to work 7-3 but I slept in until 8 anyway but its probably good bc I havent had a day off in months

called in sick and Jessica let me use vacation day without any issues

I’m overwhelmed with the possibility of things I could do today. I’ll probably just take a nap. That might be a waste tho???

ok i wrote some thing

Tue, 06 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

i aint knowin what to write in this fukin thing but i know we are tryna get in the habit a writin almost fuked up my style gotta stay cool n hip

this is stupid to got to write in here when i aint know what to write hahaha

sorry i guess i got a one track mind especially at the moment cuz i got some fuker tryna play grab ass while i’m tryna get my thoughts down here

Stop Spinning Our Wheels

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I am going to try journaling again. This may be the only entry before a 50 month hiatus, but.

I really want to throw this old thing away. So many bad memories. But we can’t just throw away our bad memories. We have to embrace our past selves, however imperfect, and accept that they, too, were once a part of us.

Feb is here. Feb 15th will be my one year job anniversary. Go me! Well, go us, really. We have survived a year @ a job, a feat we have never accomplished before. And at age 27, it’s long overdue. I am anxious about the review and potential raise, but we will see what happens.

I Don't Want Your Help, Therapist

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I’m using the hosts handwriting for anonymity.

Many months have passed since this has been updated, and I don’t think it matters. Life updates don’t mean anything. A dog. Weight Watchers. A hurricane. Nothing important. Things to pass the time. Nothing more or less.

I feel so tired and maybe stuck in some perverse cycle of remembering and forgetting. I wish I was blessed enough to just forget and not remember. The flashbacks are getting tiring in a way they never were before. There is too much and too little detail all at the same time. Sensory things with no emotions and all emotions attached at the same time - some weird paradox that is an exhausting loop. I wish I had the brother’s ability to just forget, but I guess that comes with a complimentary drinking problem, and life in a confusing blur of emotions that are even more unprocessed than ours somehow

i just want to be normal

Sat, 15 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

i am worried about Easter – but personally..

i am worried about my libido lately – it has been much higher than i am used to which would be fine except it is really distracting and comes with a lot of unfamiliar emotions

i feel so self negative and dirty and guilty – it doesn’t feel like who i should be personally or as a protector – it isn’t directly useful towards anything

Afraid Of Moving Forward

Thu, 13 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I have a confession to make: I am a self-sabotager. It’s probably not much of a confession as people who know me already probably know this pretty well. I’m more confessing to myself.

I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid that it will come with more responsibility, which I never feel competent taking on, even if I (rationally) am. I’m afraid if I don’t flawlessly master where I am at now, I’m not ready to move on. I know that’s not the case, but. Convincing emotions is difficult.

hard earned stability

Wed, 12 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

Brief timeline of last months:

august 2016 – Visit #1 with Elias, 3 weeks
september 2016 –Kelci breakup
october 2016 – end of oct is visit #2 w/Elias (lasted a month, into Nov)
december 2016 – end of dec, moved in w/Elias
january 2017 – move to TX - airbnb
february 2017 – 2 weeks @ Elias’ parents, started working at VTG
march 2017 – got our own apartment. car broke down
april 2017 – today

i am not qualified to talk about the breakup or ramifications of it so i will talk about Date: 2017

I Am Tired

Mon, 04 Jul 2016 12:00:00 -0500

I don’t know if I stand for anything now. I don’t know if I ever did. I don’t know anything any more.

I am tired of being evaluated, scrutinized, by people who don’t know me. I am tired of the friends whom have fallen by the wayside… those who claim to know me… showing they know me less than strangers, even.

I am tired of ignorance, proliferated by a desire to understand, but a lack of willingness to shut up and listen. “Willful ignorance” counts as such even if it isn’t active.

Still Alive

Mon, 20 Jun 2016 12:00:00 -0500

Still alive.

We quit our job and our birthday passed with very little fuss. We quit because people were being disrespectful of our PTSD. Things are tighter financially, but Amazon MTurk is filling in the gaps.

We got the bike fixed, so we can ride wherever. It is much better than walking. Someone walked 8 miles the other day, and we are still physically recovering.

We moved into a new place. It is in Riverside. It is much better than the father’s.

Things Are Great

Sat, 21 May 2016 12:00:00 -0500

It’s so hard to keep this stupid thing updated.

There was a new girl hired at work. Not sure how I feel. She seems very stuck up and inappropriately know-it-all even on the first week, so glad I am not having to deal with her.

Also, consequently, I’ve been having my hours cut. It’s that or help the downstairs lab. And I will help them over my dead body. Eric is horrible. The lot of them are horrible.

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

Tue, 10 May 2016 12:00:00 -0500

It’s been months since an update and I think that is because this has been shoved in a drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

News:

Got a job 02/12/2016
Moving soon
Closer to Raven than ever (I think I’m in love?)
Bought several items (New phone, xbone, etc)

That’s about it. Emotionally, of course, there are new things to report. I can’t really remember them all, though. A few days ago was Mother’s Day which is always hard, but harder this year… Ended up finally doing the 24 hrs voice call with Raven though. Feeling pretty accomplished about that, honestly.

Sleep Schedule Is Fucked Again

Tue, 02 Feb 2016 11:00:00 -0600

Finally got a chance to catch up with Raven last night over voice chat. It was a bit shorter than usual- around 6 hrs- because the body started to fall to sleep, but that isn’t unusual by any means.

She’s not doing great, but what can be expected? Things have been incredibly hard on us both.

In other news, sleep schedule is fucked again. It was okay for a week but proved to not be totally fixed- went to bed around 9am and woke around 6pm. Which is going to be a problem with the spouse working 6am - 6pm for a few weeks. Truly, the only recourse is to stay up a long time and try to fix it.

My Patience Is At Negative Levels

Mon, 01 Feb 2016 11:00:00 -0600

If everyone could stop fucking up externally and making everything so difficult in the system, that would be wonderful. Had to skip therapy due to a system meltdown largely caused by the spouse having a meltdown due to keys being lost.

My patience is at negative levels right now! I don’t even know how to put these into words.

I got Raven a Valentine’s Day present. Turns out her absence was half to do with a Skype issue. Which honestly leaves me quite relieved I know she has trouble expressing her feelings through words, but the fact that she has been going out of her way to check on me once the Skype situation was resolved tells me that she does care.

4 Days Seems Like A Century

Sun, 31 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

Is it inherently co-dependent to miss a friend? Raven hasn’t been around for around 4 days now. My mood has gotten worse and worse. It may also have something to do with the fact that we’ve not been eating properly, but.

I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t become co-dependent. On Wednesday, I even told her specifically that I would understand if she wasn’t around for a few days. But I’m starting to realize what a huge hole is left when she is not around. Days melt into each other and seem wholly useless, and I am left with too many system issues and personal issues left unshared, and I feel repressed and disgusted.

YNAB Is Saving Our Asses

Fri, 29 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

Therapy is going well. Need to talk to therapist about new alter. She is making life incredibly difficult by not eating anything but shakes and nuts.

Got a multivitamin to try to make up for it. Spending is slightly less erratic with a schedule, but still not to any sort of state where we have any savings.

We did, however, open up a savings account to throw any extra money into. It’s becoming vitally important to save, particularly when LMC is being dumb and greedy.

host didn't kill us

Tue, 19 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

host didn’t kill us thank god.

aint really much to say outside of that.

shit is tiring and i’m tired. i haven’t slept in a minute

rescheduled therapy for next monday.

dad got $0.75 an hour raise so i got a huge steak

fixin external shit.

spouse issues have been resolved or at least brought up to them.

shit is hitting the fan

Thu, 14 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

hey yall, been awhile since i got a chance to update this thing. only really doing it now cuz i dont got nothing else to do and shit needs to be said.

therapy went fine just basic questions tho i got the feeling shit is gonna get real ugly real fast.

spouse has new job so money should be less tight…

system wise shit is hitting the fan faster than a frog on a log or some shit. gatekeeper dealing with new memories + all of us are having a hard time adjusting still.

so much messing up now

Tue, 12 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

hey there, I haven’t gotten a chance to write in this yet. So I decided to write in it while I get the chance.

things have been sooo… crazy!!! Anastasia isn’t feeling good so the whole system broke today!

oops I need 2 lines lol. sorry!

so anyways, there’s so much messing up now, it’s scary!

i’m talking to natalie and she is so cute + nice!! I love talking to her I want a kid sooo bad, but I guess this is the closest I will ever get… buuut 大丈夫, LOL

i feel disgusting

Wed, 06 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

honestly i feel disgusting. im tired of my life being ruined. im completely fucking done with this i swear to god.

i just want to die, i don’t want to go on like this any longer. i just want to put a bullet thru my head or something because this is getting to be too much for me.

there is nothing more disorienting than coming back and the kid was talking to one of my friends for two fucking hours and the little mermaid is playing.

Gift Holidays Are Awkward

Tue, 05 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

The spouse got a new job. They have to wait for the drug test to be processed, so it may take a few days to fully see exactly the details. It is full time at the very least, which takes away plenty of the financial worries that were abound.

The only real worry now is that there will most likely be a gap in paycheck due to the new job holding back a week. And right when we need it too starting therapy and Best Friend Birthday at the end of the month.

tired of being tired

Mon, 04 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

god i am tired of being tired which probably seems like a paradox. strange that i’m back around more and more often. guess things are settling down.

i could complain about a million things, but honestly i don’t even have the energy to do so.

since i have been gone for a month, everything has changed. and as usual, i just get really truncated versions of what happened and trying to dig up memories is working about as well as it ever does.

Need To Journal Regularly

Sat, 02 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

I am not very big on writing in journals, but Richard is, so I wanted to get him a nice one rather than the one he chose to burn.

I will have to transfer over the system list at some point as well, or at the very least, have an insert of such. Digital copies are nice, but physical copies are more satisfying.

Also need to journal regularly to keep the host up to date on important events.

Sweetest Day

Sat, 21 Oct 2000 12:00:00 -0500

Today, it Sweetest day. Steven sure isn’t sweet to me though.

i need glasses

Tue, 01 Aug 2000 12:00:00 -0500

3 WORDS: I need glasses.

I’m far sighted

I got leopard glasses.

I Dislike Steven

Mon, 31 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

I dislike Steven. He and John took all the (ed note: hard to read what is written here. “jokes”?) It isn’t fair! I don’t care!

I Missed A Few Days

Sun, 30 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

I missed a few days and I’m sorry that I did.

People Sorrow In Different Ways

Sat, 29 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

Seince my grandmother Peggy has passed away, I took this journel & the pocket blessings that were with it. I am still in shock and sorrow for Grandma Peggy passing away. I loved her alot and I am very thankful for the years that I have had with her. My grandmother was one of true blessings I have had in my life. Like my dad says “People Sorrow In Diffrent Ways.” I wright my feelings & sorrow through paper. I loved her & still do. It was one of the greatest loses of my life so far. The funeral was very sad! I’m poreing all my feeling on paper right now so only my (1) Dad, (2) Brother, (3) Mom, & I can read this. Bye 4 now

Greenfield Village Was So Fun

Tue, 25 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

I went to Greenfield Village 2 days ago and it was so fun! We rode the train first thing. I loved it. Greenfield Village was so fun!

Going To Greenfield Village

Thu, 20 Jul 2000 12:00:00 -0500

Today, I’m going to Greenfield Village with my Grandma Stasik. I think it’s going to be fun! We go at 1:00. I will wear my new clothes. I am going to bring my book & a pad of paper with markers. When we get there, we (hopefully) will ride a train. I hope we have fun at Greenfield Village (with my grandma) today!