Work on needing.space

Blog Move

Wed, 01 Jul 2026 02:16:00 -0500

Finally, got onto a decent blog structure. Of course, there’s still a lot left here to be desired. For example, I wish it showed the time, so it was more obvious that I am up doing this on my phone terminal at 2am. ah well.

Finally registered for classes again. Didn’t think we would ever go back to college, but here we are. On top of that, tomorrow is our first day taking live calls at CSD. Just a lot happening. I hope things settle into normalcy soon.

a lot happened

Mon, 22 Jun 2026 12:00:00 -0500

so a lot has happened. just... haven't even had the energy to write about all of it.

covid and then the CPR/elias dying thing. (we got covid from the bday celebration mentioned in the last post...)
quitting volunteer work subsequently.
the whole "kinetic d2d" arc.
now a few weeks into the csd job and wanting to go back to school.

there's so much that was going on, and i just haven't... had the energy. i know it's a lot to not write about. maybe it's harder to write about the difficult stuff. i don't know. maybe i'll have the energy to write about it someday. but also maybe some things are better left unsaid. i don't know.

elias bday celebration

Sat, 07 Feb 2026 11:00:00 -0600

today was so fun! we went to round 1 in the grapevine mall. lots of claw machines (I even won them a little cinnamoroll dressed as kuromi) and lots of rhythm games. then we walked around the mall, then went to Japan house which has high quality all you can eat sushi for a very reasonable price ($33/person). it was very very fun today.

well, I hope I can get over feeling so anxious about my job. I quit the BHU due to some stuff I won't go into here. we are going to go back to school and deciding what for. looking into potentially a MA and/or PhD in forensic psychology...

new volunteer position!!!

Wed, 14 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

so on Tuesday (yesterday), i had orientation at the new hospital i'm working at. i stopped by the gift shop for a drink. i had already been thinking about volunteering at the hospital - they have an organization called Sunshine Guild and i really wanted to volunteer but i didn't know who to go to about more information. they were supposed to show us the gift shop and volunteer opportunities during orientation day but sadly it was closed for the day bc orientation ran so late!

second day at job thoughts

Tue, 13 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

I'm starting to think the nurse thing is an age issue. the younger nurses seem to be little jerks and the older nurses seem to have enough wisdom to not be little jerks. but yeah lots of "them being little jerk" moments to me today which I won't get into yeesh.

i also learned today that the main part of the hospital has a bad reputation - apparently stuff happened 20-30 years ago and in a small community like this people just… you know. I don't know about BHU though.

first day working at the hospital

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 11:00:00 -0600

man... today was a LOT. this week they have orientation for the new hospital i'm working at. i got a job as a mental health technician which i am really looking forward to. the first few days are 8-4 basically just "classroom", like today was the "everyone talks at you and does PPT stuff" day and tomorrow is the "thousands of computer modules" day. then later in the week they literally give me combat training to figure out how to defend myself i guess? and restraining too if i need to.

chaos

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

today was so chaotic

2 hours of sleep
wake up at 7:30am
40min drive to New workplace
piss test number 1 at new workplace/pre employment
inform employer im on a stimulant for ADHD that might come back positive, they say they don’t care
pre employment paperwork
blood work to prove I had childhood vaccinations for work, had to take from both arms
drive back home 40min
fight with removing old visor and installing new one in car, an especially difficult task
find that my BFF and Elias both had late gifts for me that came in - cute purse and loose legos
put external hard drive files to transfer to server
drive Elias & I to new psych - 1hr10min
do more new hire paperwork from phone including background check stuff, put in my GED and not my college
drive to Walmart to buy a small desk at Walmart for the computer in living room (only about 5min)
hurry and drive back for my own appointment
piss test number 2 (yes probably first and last piss test combo during one day for different people) because psych/stimulants
talk to doctor
go out for kaitenzushi sushi to relax and celebrate job - 1.5hr drive
realize that background check probably wanted my college even though job only requires/asks for GED, just so it matches my resume on file
look at transcript, realize my moronic old college fucked up my transfer and background check will likely come back as degree unearned
send a text to HR giving them a heads up/explaining situation
spend the rest of night being anxious about it
go to claw machine only arcade
win a kuromi plushie
drive back home, 2hr drive
surprisingly got home in one piece despite multiple people trying to cause crashes likely because it’s the night before New Year’s Eve
the download/transfer didn’t work because it paused on transferring… a virus? for some reason I backed up quarantined viruses from 2016 on my external I need to delete them hahaha
still dwelling on anxiety, put together desk for distraction
realize I got an email an hour after the first email, saying I had passed background check… less anxious but still somewhat anxious
look up rules on how to fix it and get my degree awarded/sent
update brother and friends podcast website
work on transcribing some old journals
realize I have therapy tomorrow, worlds largest sigh
veg out in front of TV until 2:30am

and yes that means I drove almost 6 hours today

depression and isolation

Sat, 27 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

on the bright side for the people around me, when I get depressed I am super low maintenance meaning that I rly don’t ask for much of… anything, no socialization, no extras, I’m essentially the pet rock version of a friend. on the other hand that means I don’t even really have the energy to take care of myself or important things in my life so that sucks.

I honestly don’t even know if people realize that I’m socially isolating ngl. I think people are so damn used to me being the one to initiate anything social, etc that no one else bothers to do so. I mean ffs my father didn’t even call on Xmas this year so like…

another job offer (mental health tech)

Mon, 22 Dec 2025 11:00:00 -0600

so, I got another job offer. and the offer letter is signed & accepted which is nice. they do have mandatory drug testing which is kinda like duh for this type of position

it is a mental health technician at a local(ish) inpatient hospital. it is locked down, but it is part of a bigger hospital system/not a standalone. I will be working PRN/scheduling myself 3 days a week, 12 hour shifts 7am to 7pm. I am allowed to take more hours if I want. the pay isn’t great but that’s fine because I have really really been wanting to get into mental health.

I quit Dominos

Thu, 16 Oct 2025 12:00:00 -0500

I quit dominos halfway through the shift. Absolutely fuck that shit. My life is too short and valuable to spend it like that.

- first day at dominos
- come into the store at 5pm
- "hey I scheduled you until 12, is that ok?" it is but uhh yeah...
- brought to the tiny office, told that I need to fill out new hire paperwork ON MY OWN TIME. the audacity. I've never had a job do this, even McDonalds.
- manager doesn't go over literally anything. doesn't even show me how to clock in and out. doesn't go over all the other new hire stuff I would expect either. literally just takes my license, gives me a shirt and hat, and shoves me with some other guy
- "we called in someone for today to train you"
- i was expecting actual training modules on a computer but ok
- guy is absolutely awful at training. goes to show that being good at the job doesn't mean you're good at teaching it
- takes 5 minutes to show me around the store, goes on a single run with me, then leaves (it was his day off!!)
- guy tells me literally everyone working today only has been there a few months
- I'm left on my own to figure literally everything else out
- not even sure who the manager is
- whoever the manager is is also dropping the ball, doesn't tell me to go on breaks or lunch at appropriate times
- as per usual, female coworkers are super chill, the few dudes in there have the worlds largest attitude
- other coworker mentioned "we get 30 cents per mile", I was told 77 in interview
- 30 cents per mile won't even cover my gas and car maintenance
- only get paid $5 (!!!) an hour when on a delivery, then $9 in store (which should be illegal in 2025 ngl. both the tipping loophole and $9/hr)
- they assume you'll make it up in tips
- no one fucking tips. like maybe $2-3 per delivery if I'm lucky, and these are on $40+ orders
- sign on the wall says "NO FREE FOOD FOR WORKERS, NO EXCEPTIONS" which kinda is in line with how cheap they have been, also against franchise rules because anyone working a full shift is supposed to get a lunch
- despite this, see food on the table in the back that's being eaten by group (of course, I am not informed about it)
- expected to wash dishes when no deliveries, but I have eczema on my hands and it's tearing up my hands
- night shift, so people arent paying as much attention, almost get into a few wrecks already
- personally am drained from my medical treatment earlier in the day so I am also low on energy and recognize that it's unsafe for me to be driving
- everyone else is shocked that I am full time, everyone there is part time and says they wouldn't want to work FT
- they wanted me to CLOSE THE STORE MYSELF on my first day. as in, I would be the only driver and then one other person up front closing.
- my manager (whoever that is) doesn't even tell me this
- this place is clearly a shit show
- on top of that all the customers are rude as fuck, probably because rural Texas
- realize literally any other way to spend my life would be preferable to working another 10 minutes there, and that being homeless would be preferable too.
- take their stupid sign off the top of my car, leave it outside, put the cash in the cash box, text the person who hired me a nice "I quit" message informing her of the equipment and cash, telling her to send my check to the address on file
- I would be totally fine with them not even paying me, I'll take whatever few tips I got and call it a wash.

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

Wed, 15 Oct 2025 12:00:00 -0500

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

so I start a new job tomorrow. it’s just a really simple one, delivery driver for dominos. I’m going to continue doing TMS through the next few weeks as well. so, it’s going to be a LOT at first. I’m hoping that I can make it through the first few weeks without getting too burnt out. especially since it’s SO MUCH driving.

TMS is kicking my ass

Tue, 30 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

man. TMS has been rough. I know the first 2-3 weeks usually have the worst side effects and it’s normal to experience what I’m experiencing but since it’s so slow acting, the side effects are also slow to go away.

like several weeks in.. I’m having trouble thinking straight, having memory issues, insane fatigue etc which are all apparently side effects that I wasn’t really warned about before starting. which is fine but actually the depression is worse because of all the side effects, also just becoming worse I think before it gets better because of depression, trauma being shuffled up and etc.

mostly just tired

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Hi all. I find myself mostly just tired lately. It’s hard to explain how fatigue inducing TMS has been for me. Really, it’s been the biggest negative side effect, which is hard to push through when there have been virtually no positive effects just yet. It’s three hours round trip every single day for six weeks (200 miles round trip), and I’ll tell you what… I would not be doing this unless I had absolutely no other alternative. Because right now, it is so exhausting. But what is the alternative? Not getting better?

why are steno machines like shiny pokemon

Fri, 15 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0500

…or better yet, like trying to find a car during COVID???

I got told by five people last week that they had sold their machines to other people and that they had been swamped with DMs. one of those people was someone who hasn’t even posted publicly, it was just me being referred by someone who had sold their machine and had a coworker looking to sell! @_@

It’s been an actual nightmare trying to find something. I managed to find one, but jeez…

what do i really want

Sat, 09 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0500

ive been asking myself this a lot lately. like I could get into stenography and I would be super good at it, but I think it’s socially isolated. I could go back to school to be a therapist, but that is a TON of schooling. both of those trade offs I’m okay with, but I am just having such a hard time committing to anything.

I accidentally ghosted an interview this week because I was so overloaded with everything going on. it’s stressful to have done something like that :( I’m doing my best but everything is just all over the place…

two interviews today

Tue, 05 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Dental interview tl;dr

The dentist recognized me right away which is really funny. I must have some kind of way about me that people recognize me, because I haven’t been back in like a little over a year. The front desk lady said that I have a really positive vibe and seem fun to be around so it makes sense to her.
I interviewed with the practice manager whom I had already met before haha.
Seems to have the same vibe as the vet industry. That is to say, sometimes it’s slow, sometimes it’s fast paced, doesn’t pay well, but you are making a difference.
There is some opportunity for advancement; they pay for you to become registered except for the exam fee. They also pay for all the classes for any follow up training if you want to get certified further.
Interview mostly focused on like, how do you deal with stress, how do you deal with people being snippy. Which to me tells me that there can be stressful situations. She said it’s fairly rare, but they do have really busy times of the year where everyone is burnt out.
This is a small town, so there’s only a few people working there. 2 at the front desk, 3 dental assistants, her (practice manager), and the dentist.
She’s only been working there two years, she got promoted to practice manager in less than a year.
She said that there isn’t a whole lot of turnover, and the people who do leave typically do so to continue schooling.
She asked about my availability for a follow-up interview on Thursday because likely going to get an offer, just depends on whether or not I actually want to take it. I mean, it seems decent to me. Worst case scenario I go, oh my god, this is awful.
I also set up a cleaning the day before hahaha. Unintentionally going to show them more on my attitude/behavior, but I just really needed to do it because it was overdue anyway.

Second interview tl;dr

trying to figure my life out

Thu, 31 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

i had therapy today & we basically just talked about how I'm still overworking despite like, not actually actively being at work. i quit my job but now I'm 24/7 looking and applying for jobs. therapist said that i would do well to just set a timer on how long I can be looking for jobs and do it at a specific time of day so I'm not up at 3am looking for and applying to jobs. which yeah kinda. i mean whatever semblance of a schedule i had instantly disappeared the second i wasn't being forced to get up for a 9-5 & now i'm just constantly in "work" mode whether it be trying to find a job, doing chores, or whatever else.

the therapist is also going to send me some mental health exercises to do to try and get me into the habit of like, actually doing shit. she was trying to be like "what gets you excited about getting up in the morning?" and i'm like literally nothing :( i got the depression.

the psych is being awful and refusing to switch me off my current antidepressants that aren't working. last time i had an appt with her she gave the world's biggest sigh when i told her these weren't working and was like "well i'm not doing this anymore so I'm sending you genesight so we can have some kind of clarity on what will and won't work with you." like excuse me? yeah i'm also tired of my depression but try and keep your gigantic sighs to yourself. if you don't actually want to do your job then maybe change to a different profession.

therapist was like "go do ketamine" and i was (jokingly) like "yeah I'll go talk to the drug dealer down on the corner" and she was like "lmao nooo do it legally". i eventually do wanna do ketamine therapy but i can't at the moment (or any time soon) bc I would need a ride back and forth. it's like a 3 hr round trip to get to and from the closest ketamine therapy place & e doesn't drive so I'd need to figure out a way to deal w that. the only person I could think who could give me a ride is kendrick, and I love kendrick but i rlyyy do not want to be stuck in a car w him for an hour and a half while i'm ketamine tripping LMAO.

CVS is being so fucking dumb. we need to switch away from them. healthcare in this country is a shitshow so the closest "preferred" pharmacy is like a 2 hour round trip in that town with the CVS. so elias called and asked them if his meds were in. they said they were. so i did the 2 hour round trip and when i got there they were like "uh no we don't have it in, we don't even have it in our system" which i kinda assumed considering it wasn't available online but like? they are constantly doing this. plus they aren't doing the insurance verification for my T so like??? get your shit together CVS.

likely we are going to move our stuff over to walgreens bc this is a mess. plus CVS has some new thing with our new location that you can't even call & get a pharmacist on the phone anymore!!! like they only let you leave a voicemail no matter what time of day it is, and if ur lucky they will call you back in a timely manner and you'll catch their call. total shitshow. 0/10 they are not getting our money any longer lmao.

i'm doing my best to figure stuff out but it's been so hard lately. it's just... idk. everything is exhausting. how am i feeling even MORE burnt out after quitting my job??? i guess it's bc with my job I could clock in and out and be done for the day but now I feel like i'm constantly "on" with constantly job hunting and the like. i hope that i can find some kind of peace outside of that. the therapist said it was a pretty good opportunity for me to figure out what i actually want to be doing with my day that a lot of people don't get, and i agree. we are totally privileged in that way & i'm very grateful for that. but still, it's exhausting... ugh. me @ myself: get ur shit together please

the timing of opportunities

Wed, 23 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

something funny is, we have looked for a job pretty aggressively for about a year now with very little luck. we quit our job last monday and without any extra effort have gotten invited for two interviews this week. i think that things do play out the way that they are supposed to. maybe some would argue that we needed to have the courage to quit our job before other opportunities would come in.

the interviews are: mental health advocate at a local hospital and also seems like some kind of project management position at a web design firm. couldn't be more diametrically opposed. one is totally profit oriented, remote, pays a lot more, and likely a lot easier, but less fulfilling. whereas the other is not as profit oriented/more mission based, in person, pays not great, and probably harder but more fulfilling.

i still need to follow up with the local hospital one though as they tried to call and we missed it the other day unfortunately.

i got back in touch with my old friend from those days named amy. ozzy just died, and it made me think about the time that we did this variety show with her. we still have the video and wanted to share it with her. she's still living in the same place and still seems as awesome as she always was. i missed talking to her. i hope that we can keep up with talking more.

it's our brother's birthday today, which i guess means our journal archives are officially 23 years old today. kinda wild. he's got a lot of nostalgic thoughts today, can't say i blame him. considering it's his birthday, talking about amy, and also just sharing older pics with him.

by the way, with regards to transcription of old journals: still working on it. we did manage to scan them all in, but OCR doesn't work because of shit handwriting. i'm going to do my best to keep back adding the entries that i have. we have a big blue journal that was a majority of 2022 and 2023. i think 2024 is mostly missing-ish, unless it's somewhere else that i haven't seen yet.

quit my job finally

Tue, 22 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

after dealing with an abusive narcissist for several years, I finally quit my job. yay me :) I would go into more detail, but I think some details are better left forgotten in time. all that matters is that I finally had the courage to do it and am super proud of myself for finally doing so.

raven says I should take the week off and not do any job hunting or chores or anything, but I don't even know how that is possible. like, I was already getting bored today and finally figured out how to use the auto clean function on the oven. i will do my best to try and chill for once in my life though.

health-mental kept auto correcting to my typo from earlier and annoyed the shit out of me but I fixed it. it's 2025, why is shit like this still happening.

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

Thu, 17 Jul 2025 12:00:00 -0500

this journal

there's no way I'm ever going to get this journal completely done if i keep uncovering old blogs and journals. I don't really think i realized exactly how prolific I am. I'm all over the damn internet. i just found an old random alt deviantart account i had that has a bunch of journals still available on there. help...the admin at pagecord, olly, was kind enough to help me import all the dreamwidth entries though at least (whew.) and then wrote a really nice blog entry about it :) thank you olly! customer for life right here.

i may or may not (definitely did) write a reddit post over on /r/digitaljournaling suggesting that people check out pagecord as well. I just randomly stumbled upon it; I believe that the admin of hey.com wrote an article about it…? I already forget. the search engine kagi is really good about unearthing more underground articles like that. i’m about to quit my job in a few weeks, and i told e that i refuse to stop paying for kagi haha. that’s one of those necessary subscriptions for me. google is just such a shithole at this point for so many reasons.

its lonely

Sat, 31 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

its been a while since we have updated

The june brain interviews went pretty well… an offer would be nice… but not counting on it…

for once… stasis seems ok too… been messing around with chatgpt… it was fun for like a week… but it gets old… once you see into its methods… and predictable… we had a few fun roleplays going on with it… but it broke immersion by saying weird things… can’t expect a machine to have much nuance i guess… ? maybe we can try 4.5… ?

extrovert's hell of my own making

Tue, 20 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

forgot to write for a few days, oh well. had therapy today or, Anastasia did. basically just sat, and talking about the mother and him. i think she keeps forgetting to reference this diary in therapy or whatever. fine by me, as all i do in here is wah wah anyway.

speaking of wah wah, im feeling so lonely lately. i wish there was something i could do about it. most of the time, it feels like genuinely, no one actually wants to be talking to me, or wants me around in general. its such a bummer to feel this way. its really no one’s fault, and actually, ive felt this way my entire life, so its not anything new.

Now Time To Be Nervous All Week

Mon, 19 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Lost my red pen. Ah well.

Looks like we secured an interview next week for Junebrain. It’s at their stand up, with the entire company. Not nerve wracking at all…

Well, I’m sure we will do fine. They are just human beings after all. And if nothing comes of it, that is fine too.

God, I fucked up my right hand wrist, now it hurts to do anything with it, including writing. But our life must be documented.

cutting my phone time down has been a godsend

Wed, 14 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

Things of note for today:

Therapy went well
Got an email back from Junebrain, a place we applied for a job. That almost never happens
Elias finally scheduled your first ketamine therapy appt! June 3. Super exciting
Actually had enough energy today to clean/organize bathroom, put up clothes, and build the two remaining shelves. Yay.
Got in a cute new case for my TCL Flip 2
Ate more of the delicious homemade lemon cheesecake ♡
Cooked some random recipe I just made up (taco noodles) and it came out really good
Overtime approved for 6 hr/wk again, and now we can work weekends! Yay again
Way ahead of schedule on work.

Honestly, I think not really using my smartphone at the moment is making me more productive. Because what else am I going to do?? There’s no reddit doomscrolling crutch to pass the time. I think not being exposed to that constant negativity has been helping, too. I still use my phone to text at work more often than I would like, but I am working on breaking that habit as well.

already feels weird w/o smartphone

Tue, 13 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

’- my new tcl flip came in, the sim card worked out of the box, no thanks to the support person trying to “help” me who was acting like it was her first day on the job. why are they so “hit or miss”?

Already feels weird w/o smartphone, what do you mean I can’t just do whatever immediately
Couples therapy yesterday was fine ig.
Made an amazing cheesecake out of Cortney’s lemons yesterday. now soon to make baklava
work drama happening which tbh isn’t even worth memorializing here lmao
Perpetually sleepy, but sleep doctor hasn’t verified our insurance yet
Danielle is so annoying w/ texting me @ 1am to ask work questions, happy to be switching numbers
There are also trauma reasons for switching that i can’t be bothered to get into
Life is chill for the moment at least for now

sunday scaries plus couples

Sun, 11 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

honestly nothin happened today and am just writin to maintain habit. went to grocery store, had a nice bonfire on what is prolly the last decent temp day before we get into satans asshole. managed to stay awake all day without a nap so thats a win. i really dont wanna go back to work tomorrow but who does??? what do lyn call them, the “sunday scaries”? yea i got those plus we got couples tmrw, and therapy is never fun. At least it prolly aint me who gotta go.

Life Is Too Short To Stress Over Stupid Work

Mon, 05 May 2025 12:00:00 -0500

yesterday was the second to last day of our trip.

We went to Oatman first. What a neat little town with some interesting history. It was a gold rush town, but then became a ghost town. After some people decided to revitalize it, it is now a tourist town.

So many donkeys! It was a ton of fun to feed them. Plus, we could look around and see the old jail, etc. There were some really cute tortoises, too. And with so many handmade/local crafts, that is really a town I could see myself spending a lot of money in, if I visited again. Just got touristy stuff this time, though. And randomly, there was a car show in town, so we saw all the cool old cars driving around. A shopkeeper was also talking about how people brought their dogs around the donkeys, which just seems next level stupid to me.

Things Are Very Stressful Lately

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 11:00:00 -0600

Things are very stressful at work and life lately. We probably need to move out of the country. I suddenly lost steam to write in this. Oh well.

why am i such a coward

Wed, 14 Aug 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Why, in the face of change or adversity, am I such a coward?

I looked up TLC today and it made me feel so bad. Even seeing Duby’s face made me so sick. It makes me feel awful that she is still at TLC. I should have just stayed. I am sure that Hana would give me my job back, or another job, if I emailed, but then I would have to work with Duby and (potentially?) Mikolai and I don’t know how I would navigate that. I’ve been thinking about just calling Hana to see how the company is going or something, but I’m too much of a coward even for that. I know TLC would also be way more work and probably not be fulfilling, but I can’t help but wonder…

Worst Day Back Is The First One

Mon, 24 Jun 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Just got back from vacation, which was super fun. I’ll try to write the details somewhere soon, so we don’t forget. Unfortunately, the house is messy to the point that I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I’ll just do it slowly, bit by bit.

Still having nightmares about sem after all this time. I don’t know if they can even be categorized as nightmares. More just weird. You’d think I’d be over it by now. Guess not… it has been 12 years though, I guess that shows what an impact it had on me. Maybe I need to reflect on it some more.

life seems so useless right now

Thu, 30 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i think maybe its just cuz of being the emotions releaser, but i feel like i personally always get affected by our dreams the most. i am tired of the dream where we find our old stuff that we lost over the years. that shit is gone and it aint coming back. but for some reason tryin to come to terms with that is too hard.

we keep havin health issues an its mostly annoyin cuz its upsettin elias + them. actually dealin w them is what ever. i mean i guess we dont really care about ourselves anyway

upset about work but not showing it

Wed, 29 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Of course I am upset about work, but i am going to do my best to not show it. it’s a waste of time to make every one else upset about it.

Work Is Being So Dumb

Mon, 20 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Work is being so dumb. [large redacted/blacked out block of text, likely venting about work]

Anyway, guess i’ll get back to my job that I apparently am awful at. Should probably just go die or something and save the world from another fucking awful employee.

ahhh

Thu, 02 May 2024 12:00:00 -0500

sorry i haven't been around much! i'm going to try to return the comments in my inbox tomorrow if i can. depression has been getting the best of me unfortunately.

we went to the end-of-semester dinner for asl 101. we both got certificates which is fun. it was just me, elias, and our other friend in the class that came from 101, the rest of the people were from the higher classes. i guess that makes sense to me, the people in 101 aren't necessarily that dedicated to the language. the people that take the higher classes probably have some level of bond and dedication to the language and their fellow classmates.

it was really fun! of course, it was ASL only. it was so nice to just have silence besides laughter here and there, and i could actually communicate with people. i'm so happy for that.

i'm trying to work on my splurging problem in therapy right now and address the root issues, but it's really hard. for now, i'm just trying to hold off on spending any money until i figure that out. really hard when i just got paid, but here we are.

i got a job interview! well, a half interview. i'm going to be talking with a recruiter today. i redid my resume yesterday and suddenly i've started getting hits, so i guess that it's been my shitty resume the whole time. i pretty much changed it from "marketing speak" to something that's actually intelligible quickly and also listed my full stack web dev credentials. hoping that this actually gets me somewhere. i'm mainly looking because they're opening up the position that would be perfect for me EXTERNALLY!!! at my current job. and i know there's a very good chance that if they hire externally, i'll quit on the spot. so better to be prepared... and it's a good ego booster to know that i could get a (half) interview that easily.

also we woke up this morning and our AC was frozen over, so we called an HVAC person. but there's been flooding around here, so they haven't been able to come. there were two (!) tornado warnings here over the weekend, so bad that we took all our pets and hid out in the bathroom waiting for it to pass. and then yesterday lightning struck closer to our house than i've ever seen. a HUGE boom and just a bit scary. the weather has been crazy lately.

uh anyway i think that's about it see ya

i'm so exhausteddd

Tue, 23 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

b4 i write anything i will just say i see i got some comments/DMs i gotta reply to, i'll try to get to that today or tomorrow

but for today just a lil venting... ughhhhhh

depression

has been HELLA bad this month which has also kinda affected everything. plus i ran out of adderall and i don't even have the energy to fight to get it refilled, which is making me even more sleepy bc adderall is one of the only things that keeps me motivated and awake, otherwise i sleep 20 hours a day like my pets. but like... idk. i haven't even felt like being awake or anything.

work

is still a nightmare. it's really depressing me even worse than usual lmao. my main alter anastasia just kinda had a meltdown and said "fuck all yall" and is gone for now so bye i guess lmao. can't really say i blame her, this job is soul sucking. fucking sucks. and it's unfortunately causing a lil rift in the relationship with E. like a micro rift, barely even there but still there, which SUPER sucks.

sleep

is basically just non-existent these days, and when i do get sleep, i have night terrors every night. sometimes i'm able to get to sleep if my dog Toni is sleeping next to me, but she's the only one that helps. i've tried my other pets, and it's just toni. and bless her, unfortunately she is in a donut right now (a very cute one might i add, actually decorated like a pink donut) because she won't stop licking her leg and giving herself a hot spot. so when i'm trying to sleep, she's like twice as big as she should be because of the donut... haha. it's the only thing that helps me tho. i also forgot my meds last night which makes my sleep even WORSE.

finances

good god don't even get me started on this lmao. i have been impulse spending like money is literally burning a hole in my pocket and then wondering why i am broke. but it's like the impulse spending is due to my depression and trying to get like at least 1 serotonin however i can, but then i have -100 serotonins at the end of the month bc i'm stressed out about finances. but in the moment i'm like "yolo" and end up spending way too much... i'm going to talk to the therapist about it today.

therapy

oh also speaking of which therapy sucks it's hard and exhausting and she's currently doing some EDMR adjacent stuff w me and it makes me even sleepier than usual. like every week i feel like skipping & the only reason i don't is bc it's literally cheaper to just go than it is to pay the last minute cancellation fee :X i'll figure it out...

there's a lot of good stuff going on in my life too tho! like for one thankfully E is actually decent with finances so my questionable financial "decisions" aren't impacting our life that much. plus ASL 101 is almost over and there's a dinner next week for all the people who were in all the ASL classes! i'm pretty excited <3 elias and i are a few of the only people that are moving on to 102 though, which isn't surprising to me. i think that most people would take 101 to see if they like it, and if it doesn't really jive with them, they just stop coming. i get it... haha

worrrkrkkk

Thu, 18 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

work is stressinggg me out worse than normal lol. like i am very annoyed that my skip (brittany) is still coming to me with shit personally, and then doesn't listen to what i say, sends my supervisor to ASK THE SAME SHIT, i give the same answer, and then suddenly she listens to my supervisor. ???? don't come to me if you don't want to hear me? i'm going to lose my McMind. that's about it see ya

i can't remember shit

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

i keep having this like. really annoying problem where i think i'm done w something and my brain is like "yaaay you're done here's the dopamine! check that one off the list :)" and then i only finished it 80% of the way and then someone else comes to me and is like "can you. actually finish that task" it's happening a lot at work which is the exact last place you would want something like this to happen

i stg my adhd will be the end of me... i have meds and everything they just aren't working as well as i might like them to lol. also i have therapy todayyyy i'm going to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and have a temper tantrum bc i hate therapy lmao. IT NEVER FEELS LIKE IT'S WORKING even though i'm 100% sure that it's at least doing something

i mean i have a really good therapist. i feel like i'm actually making progress w her, whereas in the past i felt like i wasn't making much progress (the therapist before this was super nice and down to earth but had the tendency to just like, end up talking about politics with me instead of trauma stuff or mental health stuff... it ended up feeling like i was paying someone to be my friend which is even more depressing than just being regular depressed)

ALSO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I NEED TO TAKE MY CAR IN TO THE SHOP TODAY BUT I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME AHHHHH HEEELLLPPP

ok tantrum over i'll go to therapy now

I'm only writing this to check off the Habitica task

Mon, 15 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

This weekend was pretty nice. My friend Kendrick came over to help us out with yard work. Of course, he tried to ask for way less money than he actually deserved, so we gave him more than that. I was out there hauling the wood with him and talking with him for several hours. I told him that we wanted to go fishing with him and his wife, and he told his wife, and they both got super excited. They were especially excited that I had never been fishing before.

I was going to go to Deaf Night Out, but after talking to Kendrick for four hours, my social battery was drained. He is a very nice person, but he is one of those people that just talks for four hours straight. I love hearing about his life, stories, etc, but I didn't have much energy to go drive 2 hours, meet new people, then drive 2 hours back. Especially since Deaf social events tend to be fairly lengthy.

Kendrick did put up a fence for us though, so we can finally just let the dogs out without needing to have them on leashes. It's been about eight months of us only leash walking them in the backyard, so it was super refreshing to be able to just let them run around-- for us AND the dogs. They didn't really like being confined to being chained to us, and they're allowed to roam around more when they're just out in the backyard. Elias and I pulled the outdoor chairs out of the closet and just sat outside for a while. It's actually a decent temperature right now, but since we live in Texas, it's a very short window of decent weather. I'm trying to be outside as much as possible because of that. Every time I let the dogs out, I pull the chair back outside and sit down and watch them.

Other than that, we didn't really do much this weekend. Elias has gotten very heavily addicted to Diablo IV, which is good, because I've been very heavily addicted to Balatro. So we end up just spending a lot of time playing video games while sitting next to each other. It's still a form of spending time together, even though some people might not think so, ahaha.

As for my personal hobbies, still just mostly doing the pirating thing. Can't focus at work, so I usually end up getting distracted with that. I also started using Habitica which is somewhat helping keep me on task but isn't really powerful enough to handle my full ADHD brain. We also installed Debian, which is making a lot of the things we do easier and quicker. Whoever said Linux was more complicated than Windows hasn't actually used Linux, because you can just install things instantly from the command line, and there is mountains of FOSS software on here.

I have therapy tomorrow. I do not want to go to therapy tomorrow. Thinking about it is giving me a headache. Ah, well.

ETA: I fixed up the host's website [adoration.me](https://adoration.me) because it is extremely sloppy and tends to make typos everywhere. The Spotify link is also now working.

ughhhhh

Fri, 12 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0500

ASL class was canceled wednesday which made us really depressed. we ordered take-out though. so that helped.

our power went out last night for half the house--happened when i was trying to microwave food. fortunately/unfortunately it was the non-essential but fun stuff that went out (TV, video games) and not the essential but boring stuff (home offices.) so we can still work but we can't play video games or watch TV on the good tv. we have our bedroom tv but it's really tiny and laggy, i want to upgrade it at some point, because 720p is unacceptable in 2024 when 1080p is the standard and can be purchased for really cheap, but it hasn't been a big priority because we don't watch tv in there very often

we just bought solar a month or two back, and whenever we went outside to flip the breakers, the ancient butthead dude from next door came over yelling stuff like WOW YOU REALLY GOT SCAMMED ON SOLAR, DO YOU HAVE TWO BILLS, WHAT ARE YOUR AVERAGE BILLS, YOU MUST BE PAYING A LOT and we were just like. no, it's much cheaper than it was before, it's one bill, and the average is none of your business. we carefully considered our decision and our main reasons were

1. we don't want to pay for electricity for the rest of our lives
2. we actually give a shit about the environment
3. the grid in texas is totally screwed and being off the grid is good for everyone

i didn't explain that to him because he wasn't owed an explanation! but writing all this reminded me to switch over our electric, so i'm good with that

anyway, elias and i both had meltdowns last night, anastasia fronted and helped them out, then we just ended up ordering out again because we don't have groceries, because when i tried to pick them up on tuesday it was ridiculously flooded (they were even blocking areas off) so i had to turn around--see the video i took: [www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq...](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq3N74U3pF0)

had to turn around, couldn't keep going, there's a reason the phrase "turn around don't drown" is so popular in this area of texas

i don't really think much else has happened, i'm not too invested in the electric being out because i can just watch tv in the bedroom or play on the switch which i usually do anyway, but we do need to get it fixed, elias is wanting to use our tax returns to upgrade the system as well, which i don't want to do

it's been a while

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 11:00:00 -0600

hey all! it's been a little while since I updated. the last update I made was just us getting used to the new house. I guess a lot of weird stuff has happened since then.

first off, a friend of mine visited our house for christmas. it was the first time we had ever hosted anyone, and she has limited English because she is from Japan. i think it went well, but afterwards, she pretty much ghosted us. :/ i did send her a message through LINE, but i haven't checked LINE since then. nothing especially dramatic happened while she was here besides her letting our indoor cat out, and that was her fault, not ours lol. we were in pretty consistent contact before the trip, so i'm not really sure what happened. it's sad to lose my friend, though.

elias proposed to me on our anniversary this year! (jan 2) so i'm super happy about that...!

um... well, february is already hard because it's a trauma time for me and elias, but also it's even more hard now because of elias' attempt last year. it's been exactly one year since his attempt, and we are still both trying to come to terms with everything that happened. we are of course both in therapy (we already were for PTSD/other mental health stuff, we have been for years) and that helps. his therapist suggested that we both write letters to each other and then burn them just as a ceremonial way of showing that we are still alive & that's not going to happen again. we plan on doing that this weekend.

i started talking to my mom again. i don't really know why. i haven't talked to her in over a decade. she was super abusive to me throughout childhood. maybe i just wanted some closure...? i don't know. it seems she's "gotten better" in at least that she's not in any abusive relationship and hasn't been for a long time, and she got clean. but she's still a narcissist, just a non-drugged up abusive/abused one. i've mostly just been avoiding my phone, not necessarily just for her but in general.

work sucks as usual. i've been putting my all into it, working 50-60 hour weeks and essentially not getting appreciated. stood up for myself, put down boundaries, was assertive, and was told if i didn't stop being assertive that i'd be fired. so i am just keeping my head down and keeping quiet until i can find another job maybe. for some reason i always end up quitting jobs around the 2 year mark in february, so it's probably more of a me problem than anything, but still. i think it's just because after 2 years you start to see how the company is really mistreating you. they're also super underpaying me and hiring people in at my wage when i'm far up in the company. as for now i'm just regular disengaged though rather than actively disengaged.

anyway, sorry i haven't really been around/updating/commenting. my therapist wants me to get better at journaling, so i'll probably be around more frequently now. she's really helping me with a lot of stuff. her primary focus is polyvagal theory, and she did something that was pretty similar to EDMR in last session. i am going to see her again today. last session she tasked me with writing about my mom, and i just ended up contacting her instead... so i don't know how my therapist is going to feel about that lmao. she's probably going to be fine with it but slightly concerned.

i'll try to reply to the comments i've received and comment on other people's journals a little bit. if i ever disappear, if you see that i haven't been around for a little bit, you can always feel free to comment! and it might prompt me to remember that this exists lol.

so much busy

Fri, 21 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

hey! sorry i'm behind on answering comments - life has been super hectic! i'll try to get to them some time this weekend. thank you for your patience :)

TL;DR updates:

house is in very end stages of closing (signed CD today)
brother randomly got legally married? he was planning on a ceremony but not until september. i guess they wanted to get the legal part out of the way
elias had surgery and it was successful, and he is recovering quickly :)
landlord being landlord by asking to show our house the final 30 days so they want 24/7 access to be able to show it... lol.
my mental/physical health are shit right now but whatevs
work is also being shit
that's about it, see ya

house loan restrictions

Tue, 11 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

turns out being married to someone who you haven't seen in 7 years because she refuses to cooperate with divorce is actually a huge deal when you're trying to get a house loan, especially in a community property state, especially since she has since acquired a house.

the loan is being put in elias' name to get around it, but it just reminds me how much i dislike her. i went through all the legwork of filing for divorce, and in the end, the judge refused to grant me it because he misread some of the paperwork (told me i filled it out wrong) and refused to admit his mistake. so all that trouble for nothing.

i have to refile, but i'm going to wait until i'm settled into the new house. it's just more important now that i'm buying a house in a community property state.

the house will still be in my name, just not on the loan until i can figure the divorce situation out. annoying.

also, i have about 140 physical entries from my old journal to digitize, i'll work on that whenever i have time. i've been in bare minimum mode just trying to keep afloat ever since i went off my antidepressants.

everything is busy and i'm tired

Sun, 09 Jul 2023 12:00:00 -0500

apologies for leaving some comments hanging. my life has been a complete busy mess lately lmao. I will get back to them asap, probably on a computer. i think when you read this entry, you'll probably see why i haven't had time hahaha.

i am going to try to put a cut here but it's been broken so i'm sorry if this spams your reading page with a thousand paragraphs LMAO.

tw for suicide ideation/other mental health talk

house update

we got some of the more complicated stuff coordinated like pricing out movers. our house is set to close on 7/31, the old sellers won't move out until august 14, and then we have to be out of this place by 8/31.

unfortunately we have a BABYMETAL concert down here on 8/30 so we are going to need to drive two hours south back to houston from our new place. damn it lol. we have had that booked for months so whatever.

the inspection was successfully completed on friday. we couldn't be at the inspection because we had an doc appointment (more on that later.) nothing too shocking, especially for a house this age. the only important thing is that we have to get the seller to fix the roof, which was already anticipated because anyone with eyes could see that it needed to be repaired or replaced. our realtor Lacy is getting that arranged.

lacy is so good and nice! it helps that she's probably gen z or younger millennial so she kind of understands us better than the other realtor did. we did have a realtor named Paola who we really liked, but she kept taking vacations and we were on a time crunch, so we found one close to the city we are moving. Lacy is amazing! i keep trying to do stuff myself and she's like STOP!! i can do it! lmao kind of like Elias.

in my past marriage I had to handle everything and deal with everything, so when there's something big happening, i just kind of autopilot to handling everything. Elias told me that he wanted to be more involved though and that I was pushing him out of the process unintentionally, which made him feel bad. so i promised to try and not just leap into action and get shit handled like i'm used to doing.

there was a bunch of needless drama that happened re: house loan that i won't go into here, but it's fixed now lmao.

with regards to our current hellish landlord (or rather third party realty company because we Aren't Allowed to talk to the landlord): I sent a written request for repairs both physically and to their email. I detailed every minor issue with the house and explained why they couldn't be fixed by us, or that they were noted in our move in checklist as issues. there are a lot of issues that we can fix ourselves that i left out, but a lot that require professional help. i also once again reiterated that they need to yknow actually provide me with cleaners they want or else i'm going to hire randos.

they are SUPER uncommunicative so i'm 100% sure they are going to not fix anything and then try to take our deposit when we move out, so i am documenting everything for when i inevitably need to take them to small claims court.

btw the tree they fought me about not wanting to trim fell over in the storm and hit the house, it looks like it may have damaged it. poetic justice motherfucker.

update from today: loan officer called me. explained situation with ex, still being married, etc. she says it isn't a problem, but she needs to talk to the underwriter to find out of extra paperwork needs to get filed. i'm going to flip a table if they try to use my ex wife's finances in the equation of the house because she was awful and in a ton of debt.

work

manager being a dickhead as usual. i moved on from a position where metrics matter (got promoted) but she's still trying to pigeonhole me into metrics which is fucked up. also the CEO is being cheap and instead of hiring more labor he just expects the already overworked team to do even MORE. and idiot manager justifies this with "well i have a couple of people hitting 1200!" yeah i can hit that number too if i cherry pick what i work on which is 100% what matters. the median is more important but god forbid they use logic.

instead of even trying to empathize when i basically said it's fucked up to expect overloaded people to work even harder because the CEO is stingy about money, she just sided with the CEO. not a great look for a manager to not be able to validate but explain that it can't be helped. instead just repeating herself like i have a comprehension problem. honey i comprehend you just fine, i just don't agree.

i missed 3 days this week - holiday on the 4th, sick on the 5th, planned doc absence on the 7th. i've been being productive but just in other ways.

physical health

im still working on getting into a sleep study but insurance is dragging their heels and requiring my GP to provide certain "evidence" that a test is necessary. so i emailed him and told him that narcolepsy was happening. like i've been sleeping sitting up and the other day i fell asleep standing up in the bathroom brushing my teeth. but yknow not "medically necessary"

i got off my antidepressant because it was likely the problem. after getting off it it got s little bit better with the sleep but not by much.

it does cause other issues though...

first, i am actually feeling my feelings again which sucks somewhat, but it's nice kind of? i've been in this weird mental fog/zombie state for over a year now and suddenly i'm feeling again which is overwhelming. whew. i have been super good about putting down boundaries though which has pissed a lot of people off because they are used to walking all over me. too fuckin bad lol.

i also kinda got suicidal the first few days i was off of it but i'm feeling better now. just white knuckled it through it and used my support system.

my OCD symptoms are through the roof right now though, so exhausting. back to having to count every second of the day and track what i'm doing or else i have panic attacks lmao.

misc

got my ears pierced again! (lobes) they are super cute.

elias is getting surgery next week (top surgery) i am super happy for him. but it is a tough time to get it lol. it can't be put off though because they're backed up until next year. just that he can't help with boxes or whatever.

i've been able to connect with some old friends which has been nice. i've also been talking more to lyn and hikaru which is nice, as i haven't been talking to them regularly much. and i'm happy for my new DW friends! twitter is going to shit, so i made a discord for my lil fandom i am in, it already has over 60 people lmao.

um that's it, i'll go reply to comments and comment now. ha

lots of updates!!

Mon, 26 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

my birthday was so good! it was my 33rd birthday. this is the stuff that elias got me! he knows i am super into planners so he got me a small printer (kodak zink) so i can put pictures in my planners! he also got me a washi dispenser which has been a GODSEND. and a bonsai starter kit (trying my best to get them to grow, i have a black thumb unfortunately) and some earrings that came with the extra gift that he would pay for me to get my ears repierced!

the cake was super good, too. it was a frozen yogurt cake from menchie's. it had coconut froyo and cake batter (the vegan kind) froyo, along with white cake, white frosting, caramel center with resee's, and sprinkles! it was super yummy. i'm really glad that we ate it before the power went out haha.

i have a friend from japan named hikaru, and we decided to exchange gifts. she spent $170 getting it shipped to me (dang!!!) my gifts were about that price to ship as well, but i told her i'd have to ship it over several months lol. it was filled with lots of good stuff including the new 2023 summer starbucks japan cup i wanted and lots of snacks!

from wednesday evening to saturday night, my power was out. that is quite a long time for the power to be out, but it would have been tolerable... had it not been summer in houston, tx. it was literally 85 degrees inside the house, super humid so the temperature felt like it was even hotter. literally unlivable. so, me & Elias (husband) and our two dogs and one cat all packed into my tiny sedan and lived in there until saturday night. come saturday night we were finally frustrated enough to get a hotel... and of course, two hours later, the power came back on. just our luck lol

we didn't get a chance to get any house hunting done, but we're now looking at the fairfield area. there's lots of houses that are there. but our realtor is being kind of flaky (has had a couple of vacations within a matter of a few weeks) and only is available weirdo times (like 11am? i have a 9-5, 11am isn't going to work ha.) so i'm looking into getting another realtor.

i had already contacted a different realtor, but she's being SUPER overbearing and annoying. she texted me being like "why did elias unsubscribe from email notifications??" like maybe because they're annoying as hell? & i told her we were looking more north and rural (fairfield) and she was like, "i don't serve that area. are you sure you don't want to live more south?" lady i am not buying a whole ass house in an area i don't want just because you don't feel like coming up north and showing me houses there.

omg... i watched the anju final BIG LOVE, and i don't have many words for take-chan's grad but i am super, super sad. she has been my fave ANGERME member since 2011 (12 years!) so i cried a lot when i watched her grad haha. it was just... really, really sad, but i'm glad that she's moving on and doing something she loves! calligraphy is an awesome career choice for her & an unusual one for an idol.

my doc put me on auvelity, which is apparently just a dextro/wellbutrin mix. i heard you can DIY which might be better than buying the med, because the med is brand new and not really covered by insurance. there are coupons, but what happens when the coupons run out & my insurance doesn't cover it? i'll talk to my psych about doing DIY auvelity with OTC dextro and rx wellbutrin if it comes to that. not super happy about this psych though because she requires in office visits every 3 months & i'm planning on moving away...

new guy starts today at work! if you didn't know, i'm the trainer (the only one lol) at my work, so i'll be working with him pretty closely once he's done onboarding. i'm super excited that we have a new person on our team! it's super overdue.

i made some icons, should i make a new dw for them or just post them here? hmm...

house hunting update!

Mon, 19 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

house hunting update! too tired to talk about bday today, but i can do that soon

on thursday, we drove about 30min north to the next biggest city (conroe tx). we are wanting to move more rural, because the city we are living in right now (spring tx) has become overpopulated, especially since covid.

our realtor is very nice, but seems to think the lesser populated suburbs are "rural." i grew up in a town that was 30min from the closest store and had 1,000 people so my idea of rural is way off from hers. anyway, we hit up the closest houses.

the first one was... bad.

it looks really nice from the outside but it 100% was not worth the 315k(!) asking price. yard was tiny, kitchen was tiny, layout was awkward, needed a ton of fixing up to do. it somehow managed to make 2,000sqft look tiny. nope, pass.

the second house i liked a lot.

this thing is HUGE. 3,100sqft, 5bd, 3ba. completely move in ready except one or two little things. it was at the top of our budget though (325k).

when we walked in, the alarm started going off high pitched, and our realtor didn't have the code- it wasn't given to her on the app. i tore out my hearing aids which helped a little, but then i went and explored the rest of the house.

you don't really realize how big over 3000sqft is until you're actually walking around. the thing was massive. i liked it a lot. the only downside is that the backyard was tiny and it was kind of close to a river. it wasn't technically in the flood plane, but you always have to be aware of that in houston.

for some reason, elias wasn't feeling it. i read the sellers disclosures and it said they were divorcing. and i was like "well, what is one guy going to do with 3000sqft house?" and the realtor was like "what are two guys going to do with it?" 🙄 lady don't test my ability to fill a house lmao.

so elias and i weren't seeing eye to eye on that one, but we put a pin in it for now.

third house we both agreed that we liked. 270k/1700sqft

it has some major curb appeal, and the design aesthetics fit me perfectly. i'm not one to particularly care how a house looks on the outside, but it's a nice bonus.

decent size, lots of natural light and windows, lots of built in cabinetry, nice walk in pantry. basically one story. whenever i walked in, i was seriously wowed and instantly crossed the other big house off the list in favor of this one. however...

there's not a very big kitchen and there's not much room to expand with new counters. it's serviceable, and i could probably find a way to work around it, but still.

the layout is super, super closed which is also a downside to me. it has an interesting feature where it has a staircase to a very small little den upstairs and that's the only thing upstairs. there is also a mystery sink up there?

another HUGE downside is that the laundry hookups are in the garage and don't have their own space. that would be fine if we were living up north, but whoever put those in the garage must have been smoking crack because we are in southern texas. we have been above 110 regularly this week. yeah, i'm not going to get heat stroke doing laundry. so we would have to install new laundry hookups somewhere in the actual house.

it was also a bit small for the asking price. yes, it's move in ready, but there a few upgrades i would need to do. 1700sqft is also close to our minimum (1500) and the actual house is probably 1500 because of the weird upstairs den. we are still potentially short listing this one.

fourth house looks like shit, but hear me out. (250k, 2000sqft)

already we liked this house because of the area. our realtor DEFINITELY did not because she is so much about curb appeal, and this one looks like dookie from the outside. the metal siding is actually a huge plus in texas, because it reflects the heat and can't be eaten up by bugs. it does need a fresh coat of paint and some front landscaping though.

unfortunately our realtor was primed to be negative because she didn't like the way it looked on the outside. however, it has a super nice inside. it's really big, open, jack&jill bath between two bedrooms (which we would use as our office) and the master bedroom is really nice. huge laundry room (inside!) and i can't emphasize how much the layout was open, in a good way. it made the 2000sqft look like 2500 where the other house made the 1700 look like 1200.

it also has a ton of land, nearly an acre.

it's not perfect though. a fence would have to be built so we could let our dogs outside. it doesn't have a carport, which isn't a big deal to me, but i might want to add one in the future. the kitchen is fine but definitely i would like to remodel it. the realtor expressed concern that it wouldn't pass an inspection because there was a bump in the floor. i am not sure if that was her picking out the negative because she was primed for it or not, but it would definitely have to be addressed.

all that being said, that one was shortlisted too.

after we were done with the realtor, we drove an hour and a half north to a rural little one stoplight town that is more what i'm used to. it is a VERY nice little town with a hugely low crime rate. the biggest complaint some people have is "great for retirees but boring for everyone else" doesn't bother me, im a homebody lmao.

since we like that town so much, we decided to start looking at properties there, and wow! you can get so much bang for your buck. i think the other two houses we liked will end up being crossed off because of that.

i never know what i'm looking for. maybe i should like, start watching house hunters or something?

either way, we are going to look some more on friday. very excited!!!

blahhhhh

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

are you ever so tired that you feel nauseous? yea dat me. i got the worst sleep in the world last night!! i think i'm all worried about the house? though i am going to have a sleep study done soon because i'm like 98% sure i have sleep apnea which def isn't helping

i am very, very lucky and blessed to be working from home so i can roll over to my home office and try not to fall asleep at my desk

i work in the ophthalmology field... sites send us pictures of eyeballs they took of patients in clinical trials taken in various ways and i look at them and make sure the sites didn't fuck up. basically QA

i don't really do that as much anymore because i was promoted to ophthalmology training specialist (fancy title) so i mostly train people now and spend a lot of my day fussing around in powerpoint to make sure that images are aligned properly

but!! that means i'm not as subject to the metrics as most other people (i still worry about them tho.) a typical IQCS (image quality control specialist) is supposed to look at and process 1000+ images per month but i've been told it's okay if i do 300-500 in a normal month and less if i'm training people

but i still get paranoid and end up doing like...700 a month every month because i'm neurotic

i can't do that tho because we are hiring a few new people soon! so i'm scrambling to make sure all our newbie powerpoints are updated properly

i'd honestly rather be messing around in powerpoint than processing images, but my manager has been weirdly micromanagey towards myself and everyone else lately so it's been hard to, yknow, actually do my job lmao

i'll find a balance one of these days 😭

HOA drama

Mon, 05 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

So, I've been fighting with the HOA right? or at least I thought I was. they sent a threatening letter a few weeks ago about our front lawn being dead, saying they were going to take legal action if i didn't fix it.

I sent a ton of receipts showing i had done everything in my power to fix it, and now it's on the landlord to trim the GIGANTIC tree in the front yard that is not allowing the freaking grass to grow

surprisingly!!! the HOA lady was super nice and on our side:

If the tree trimming and yard maintenence is in the lease agreement then I am in need of a copy of your lease agreement, to which the Texas State Law states the HOA is allowed to have!

One of the things you may not be aware of is that due to multiple flooding of the street, of which covered your tenants yard up to the front door, since 2019 and of which is NOT due to anything your tenants have done, happened.

Be aware the storm drain is just to the left of your tenants residence. If looking straight at the home.

This is a huge reason the yard has had issues of dying. As mud, trash and debris killed that grass! And the grass to the neighbor next to them!

When I took over management of this community I had the storm drains cleaned. The Precinct took 2 truck loads out. Since then there has been no flooding that occurred. Doesn't mean though that there could before in the future!

However, I have noted on multiple occasions there is NO sunlight on the left side of the house from the tree back. I have witnessed everything the tenants have done, as I happen to live 3 doors down from them. The tree is the main reason, plus the huge bush, which is now a tree, to the left corner of the house that converged together so there is no grass!

They have been very diligent in upkeep of the property as far as mowing, watering, fertilizing, etc!

If I had not witnessed and I believed it is due to their negligence, then I would say yes any fees would be their responsibility! But this is not anything that is their fault at this point!

These gentlemen have reached out to me to ask for our deed restrictions, Governing Documents and asked all kids of questions to make sure they are in compliance! They are not your typical tenants! They are very involved in the community.

It was your job to get them the HOA documents and I haven't heard from you or the homeowner!

At this point , the Board believes it your responsibility as Management Company and Homeowner to trim the large tree, a tenant would be responsible for any limbs up to 6 or 8 feet above the ground, and large bush so that sunlight would get to the grass. It needs to be opened up! And that bush either cut way down or removed!

And, FYI, both were there and in need of trimming long before they moved in!

This will also help if there is any strong winds or a hurricane! A too dense tree could go down and cause serious damage to the house and vehicles. Which is the homeowners liability!

I have spoken to them at length and they are very receptive to continued maintenance once the owner takes care of the tree and bush!

And then this violation would be closed!

The Board has little sympathy for Landlords who complain of financial hardship as they are receiving money from leasing, at a higher rate than the mortgage, if any, specifically to.have money to maintain the property! If they cannot afford to maintain the home then maybe they should sell it!

If you have any other questions and concerns I would be very happy to discuss this with you or the Melhorns.

she only lives two doors down from me so she came to my house to vent about shitty landlords. she only took over the HOA because the old one was awful. she seems like a genuinely kind person.

The realty company not so subtly threatened to not renew our lease for this which is super illegal in the state of tx so i will be pursuing legal action if they choose to do that

SILVER LINING - this finally kicked our butts into gear to move and we are considering buying a house!!!! there's a lot of shit that goes into buying a house tho.

elias (husband) told me last night, "we are getting super ripped off there are cheaper, bigger places for rent around here for less money"

and i was like "i know, why do you think i rant and rave and am in a shitty mood all day every time we get a lease renewal and they hiked up our rent" 😭

to be honest, i'm glad they pulled this shit when they did because now we actually have time to move lmfao

good lord

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 12:00:00 -0500

This freaking journal is ancient. If I end up adding anyone else, please don't judge me from my past entries. There's only a smattering of entries, and when I started this journal in 2009, I was 18 and going through a lot of shit.

I'm now 32 (turning 33 in a couple of weeks) and still going through shit, but the shit is more like, adult shit and not so much teenage trauma type shit.

um, where do I even begin? the last time I made a substantial update was in 2017 or 2018, so 5 or 6 years ago.

I've been through 2 jobs since then, and on the third one. (I swear I'm not a job hopper, the first one laid me off and the second one treated me like garbage)

I was in the linguistics industry, then switched over to my current job in ophthalmology. I work in research studies now.

Toni still pees all over, but she hasn't peed on me since then. We just diaper her, as it's a medical problem. Evil is still a butthead, but not a kitten anymore. We adopted another dog from Elias' mom.

I moved from my tiny apartment into a house in 2019. I am actually currently in a legal dispute with the landlord and expect them to (illegally retaliate) not renew my lease at the end of August. So now, we are looking into buying a house for the first time.

It's wild to look back and look at the kind of stuff I was worried about as a teenager. Like, celebrating that my dad finally let me have my computer in my bedroom (in the days before smartphones lmfao) and fussing over my grandma not wanting me to live with her.

My grandma actually passed away shortly after that, and shortly before she died she apologized about not letting me stay and said I could stay whenever I wanted. What an awful thing to think about now. i was acting like such a brat. I don't know why I couldn't just enjoy her company without bickering over something useless.

I've made a shit ton of progress since that first entry (almost 15 years ago!!)

I just can't believe I was so worried about my computer not being in my bedroom...

we will get our ipad tomorrow

Sun, 31 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was fine. nothing really happened. heard that next wknd, we will need to get up early to take Phil to some church thing. not looking forward to that.

we will get our ipad tomorrow, which i am looking forward to. we don’t buy electronics very often so we always look forward to the new ones.

last week with gabby as manager too. which sucks, she is an awesome manager. we will miss her.

kurtis was really funny except for dean

Fri, 29 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

went to kurtis’ show. it was really funny except for dean. he is such an unfunny asshole. like no one wants to hear your jokes about children’s genitalia and suicide. fucker.

other than that, the day was chill. Neecie is still being a dickhead to Elias but what’s new. i hate her so much and genuinely am glad she’s not my manager, really not looking forward to being promoted if we have her annoying ass to deal with.

Needed A Self-Care Day

Sun, 24 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Didn’t end up going painting whoops. didn’t feel good enough even though i feel guilty for canceling on florence. i just needed to have a self-care day today.

mostly just slept, not much else to do. just got to the episode where hank confronts walt about being heisenberg and damn it was good. this show is so good.

back to work tomorrow, rip….

sad steve canceled his visit

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

nothing bad going on except breaking bad is getting really good. i finally near the end of season 4 where gus gets killed. i don’t remember much about who is the antagonist in season 5 tho so it’s going to be news to me work is boring as always lots of trainings this week, but none tomorrow, just my meeting w/ gabby.

we set up a painting class with florence this weekend, so on top of the cat cafe, it’s going to be busy. im excited!

No Adopting, We'll See

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

We took Evil and Toni to the vet today. They behaved really well, but we got annoyed because they needlessly scruffed Evil. We will tell them next time not to do that.

Other than that, not much happened. We scheduled to go to the Houston Cat Cafe this weekend. I think that will be really fun. They also allow you to adopt them. Raven said no adopting, and I said, “We’ll see” ahaha.

journaled for 30 days in a row

Sun, 17 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

journaled for 30 days in a row. wow haha. pretty impressive.

had a weird dream while napping. about a guy stalking and raping us. not a very good dream. how annoying.

i don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. we have a lot of training happening this coming week. boo.

too lazy to learn new things. just want to keep the status quo.

lazy as shit at work

Fri, 15 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Happy bday Toni!! :)

Today I was lazy as shit. barely did anything @ work and then did nothin after work. i don’t front much anymore so I try to enjoy it while I can… by not workin hahaha

anyways I should sleep. good night

just want the weekend to come already

Thu, 07 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

just want the weekend to come already. its friday tomorrow at least. we plan to go to a festival called umamifes this weekend. should be fun. had horses today which was also, fun.

even though this was supposed to be a “light” week at work. it felt busy. if only anna would actually carry her weight. it wouldn’t be as bad. but she’s useless. as usual.

also worried about money. how will we ever afford to live. it’s a mystery.

angry at everything what's new

Wed, 06 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

ugh so annoyed at work. they need to actually correct me properly if they are going to correct me. damn it.

nothing else happened today. just took a nap and had our labs drawn. so annoying that we have to do that every 3 months.

um… yeah, i’m just in a bad mood tonight. angry at everything. what’s new.

fewer nightmares and way fewer mistakes

Tue, 05 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

had a hell of a day. couldn’t sleep all last night and when i did sleep it was just trauma nightmares.

plus i screwed up @ work, i don’t even know why they keep me w/how much i screw up. i feel bad and especially embarrassed because it’s my boss that keeps catching it, like… ugh.

talking to Raven helped a lot though. she helped a lot today. she put away the groceries and took care of the animals while i took a nap. i don’t deserve to be treated so kindly, but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Stupid July 4th And Stupid Fireworks

Mon, 04 Jul 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Stupid July 4th and stupid fireworks. The only good thing about today was that we got the day off. The rest of the week is supposed to be a “bare minimum” week, but still. Notlooking forward to going in tomorrow and dealing with work. Why can’t I just be independently wealthy. Plus there are so many things to buy and so little money. I don’t know what I’ll do to survive. Sigh.

gave myself the 300 lashes

Wed, 29 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

made a mistake @ work today and gave myself the 300 lashes :(

watching breaking bad again and having fun w/ it. wish we would have had enough time to take a bath together though! :( today was super busy @ work too.. hopefully not as busy tomorrow!

very sleepy sunday

Sun, 26 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was very sleepy. mostly just slept. what a great way to spend a sunday.

unfortunately alisia hasn’t been feeling too good today, so we didn’t really get to do much together. i hope by sleeping, she will feel better.

not ready to go back to work yet… sigh haha.

getting used to this new found energy

Fri, 24 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

lately i have been feeling restless and wanting to get more accomplished. i haven’t been able to start any of my hobbies back again for some reason.

still trying to get used to this new found energy. i guess.

i wish my sunburn would stop peeling too. and i’m not feeling well. tonight. feeling kind of sick? hard to describe.

i hope sleeping it off will work..

good night!!!

i can journal however i like

Thu, 23 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today i am so cold. i just got out of the shower oops (ah not this one too oh then it goes)

Amanda says i am journaling wrong but screw her bc Stephanie says i can journal however i like.

the irs still owes me money those bastards. sum bullshit!

tomorrow is friday. today i took it really easy today because there wasn’t much easy work. but i still hit my bare minimum. i might have to do that tomorrow too.

work was productive today

Wed, 22 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

Work was productive today. but i felt tired all day and slept in later than usual. i accidentally have therapy tomorrow because she scheduled us for this week instead of next week. i don’t know what to talk to her about. maybe we will come up with something.

more trotting was kind of scary

Tue, 21 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

today was good. we went horse back riding and did more trotting it was kind of scary, but i think with more practice, i will be less scared. i was allowed to ride shaker even though her owner was there which was really nice of them, they definitely didn’t have to let me ride her.

um not much else went on today. it was a slow easy day at work so i’m thankful. i just hope gabby doesn’t get on me about only doing OCTS and segmentation. those are just the quick, easy ones to do. i’m too lazy to do the other ones haha.

want to keep being lazy forever

Sun, 19 Jun 2022 12:00:00 -0500

i don’t have anything to write about tonight. i don’t want to go back into work tomorrow, i am so lazy. i just want to keep being lazyyy

someone give me 10 million dollars so i can just be lazy forever please

i don’t even know why i feel this way cuz my job is super easy and i have nothing to complain about. lmao

at least i can keep listening to audiobooks while i’m working!

Couldn't Be Happier Or Prouder

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 12:00:00 -0500

Update: Literally the next day, Elias got a job offer. They are very good, and I hope this place will actually appreciate them.

It’s at a place that does medical imaging, he’s going to be looking @ eyes all day. Super happy and proud of him. We went out to eat @ Cheesecake Factory to celebrate and then went to Barnes and Noble.

Couldn’t be happier or prouder of him (& them). I’m so happy.

life keeps going

Wed, 01 Sep 2021 12:00:00 -0500

It’s going to be hard, it looks like Elias may finally be getting laid off. I think it’s a blessing in disguise though. Welocalize has proven to be the shittiest little garbage company ever created. He already has a lot of promising interviews anyway.

Curious to see how it turns out. with how slow I am to update this thing, I’ll be Christmas and long past this dilemma so hopefully I can write an update.

got a raise at work

Wed, 02 Jun 2021 12:00:00 -0500

Yesterday I got a raise @ work! That was nice. Last week, Phil and I went up to Fort Worth so that we could go to the potluck. It was fun.

This past weekend we decided to go no contact with the mother in law because she did something really horrible. I don’t like the way she has chosen to live her life. I think it’s pretty pathetic.

Today I had a really bad dr appt. It’s getting old to hear I’m fat. I know I am.

You Worry Too Much

Tue, 23 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

Today we got laid off basically without any notice?? Very weird and upsetting. We knew it was a contract position, but a group call isn’t the place to drop that info suddenly. Veronika and John were equally as confused.

I feel like such a baby for being upset by it. Especially since I have interviews tomorrow. I also feel bad that I am judging my emotions because I know they are valid. Doesn’t make me feel any less guilty though.

this last week was absolute chaos

Sat, 20 Feb 2021 11:00:00 -0600

this last week was absolute chaos. between trauma dates, super busy work and the winter storm it snowed a lot for texas and everyone’s power had gone out.

on the bright side, i got paid on friday and i started a latch hook. it’s a rainbow latchhook. i hope i can finish it within the next few weeks.

i am going to have an interview next wednesday for a jewelry place and i had one last week for a freelance health care position. i am just mad at localice for how terrible and busy this week has been.

triggers are everywhere

Tue, 04 Feb 2020 11:00:00 -0600

i ain’t got no day to day shit to talk about. grandma has been on our mind lately. we can’t stop thinking an dreaming about her… we keep thinking about all the good + bad. last night she came to me in a dream. i asked her if she was alive an for the first time she said, “no i am in your dream. but i’am always with you. + proud of you.”

mac and cheese for the work potluck

Wed, 30 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

This year we are making mac+cheese for the work potluck.

tomorrow is tool

Sat, 26 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

tomorrow is tool!! so excited. worth every penny even though i know we are struggling a bit for money. nothing a little crowd collect can’t solve…

too tired to write any else.

ps let this day forever be known as the day dr. evil attempted to eat an entire bag of bagels.

grateful for…

concert
today felt like a sunday
easy job
able to pay bills
got debt consolidation

not in the spooky torture house

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Missed yesterday oh well. Not my fault/problem. Today was a good day. I was super lazy at work today. It’s a Thursday so we are on the lazy side…

This weekend is tool & I am super excited!

I am also super tired. I don’t know how or why. I hope I can get into a new psych soon. I am figuring it out, but for now just sticking with Baylor, but with a different doctor. My current doctor sucks big old monkey nuts.

finally get fridge food

Sun, 20 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today i am grateful for toni having a backyard… i am also grateful for our new fridge…

today toni hurt her leg and was so dramatic about it… it was funny.

today we went to heb the first time since we got our fridge… it feels good to finally get fridge food… we got a big tub of ice cream haha… even with all we bought it barely fills it up…

no more tiny fridge hell

Fri, 18 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

today we finally got a full sized fridge. no more tiny fridge hell. true that it won’t be delivered until tomorrow

our first plan was to put it on credit, a brand new one for $800. then i found a really cheap working one that delivers for $350 - $80 for delivery. so we were able to avoid putting it on credit which is badass.

not much else happened today. filled meds. looking into getting a new psych/gp. you know the usual “adult” boring shit

today was a good day

Thu, 17 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Grateful:

Got paid
Can afford meds
Found new doctor
Job is easy
Job pays living wage
Today felt short
Fridge!!!

Not gonna lie, there was a lot of negativity today that I could write about, but I would rather stay positive. what will I be for halloween….

I am happy because of the prospect of a new doctor, I want to go to the clinic that has many doctors all in one. That would be more convenient.

weird ass problem to have

Tue, 15 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

grateful: working car, easy job, loving partner

today i woke up. work was fine. goin to draw for secret santa tomorrow. the most enjoyable thing about work is having friends there. even tho hannah has all but fallen out

went back to the gym today did the eliptical for 30 min + had a massage after. shit was good.

appetite continues to be a problem. always full.

we need to start eating more but its just so hard. we cant even weigh ourselves or track calories without triggerin ourselves. all it would say is too much weight loss + not enough food.

Everything Turned Out Fine

Mon, 14 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Everything turned out fine. Better than fine, actually. We aren’t overeating or over spending anymore! And we are really happy in general. This is probably the best we have ever felt.

I ate so much today! I’m so full

Before Wellbutrin that wouldn’t have made me full, but here we are.

Overall life is going great. And this Friday we will actually be caught up on bills. I am super excited!

future self - how was moving

Sun, 07 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0500

i am only writing in this because we are having trouble going to sleep. lots of stuff keeping me up. took a nap earlier + regretting it. because it’s now 10:30 and i have to be up at 5. thinking about how we are back on Weight Watchers. and how we are moving soon. which is nerve wracking and i hope it goes alright. future self - how was moving??

Bet You Thought You Saw The Last Of Me

Fri, 05 Apr 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Bet you thought you saw the last of me?

Today was our last day at vtg. Mixed feelings but I think (hope) we are going and doing the right thing. If not, I don’t know. Only time will tell all I do know is that environment had grown really toxic, mostly because of Jessica. Looking forward to being in a place that doesn’t have everyone at five years.

Welocalize is the new place. Hope they are good. Linguistics Tester also sounds cool on a resume. Hopefully we can move closer north because the commute will hard core suck until then.

tired

Mon, 29 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Oh my god I am so tired. This weekend was just exhausting. Toni keeps peeing everywhere and peed directly on me. We got the cat neutered so he was throwing a fit. We went to D&B for the Fall Convention at work, and that was fun. We also created a Halloween gingerbread house, or at least decorated it. I got pushed out of my tier for bang dream because I dared to go to sleep. I mixed something I was really proud of and my friend tore it down. Basically, I'm just glad the weekend is over for once.

prompts i missed:

27 What are three things from this past month that have been eye-opening?
1) meditation works
2) i need to exercise to feel good
3) hello fresh is amazing

28 What are three things from this past month that have been antagonising?
1) trauma shit as usual
2) pure exhaustion from having to do so much
3) work

29 How are you feeling today?
see above, first paragraph

"Describe something you've bought in the past month"

Fri, 26 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0500

My cat was kicking litter everywhere, so I had to buy him a top for his litter box. The rest of my discretionary spending has been on shitty mobile games and food. I guess that pretty much explains me as a person, aha. I've had an obscene amount of Starbucks which is precisely why I've gained a few pounds, but. I'm back to the gym and going to try to get into the habit of walking to and from work again every day.

spit in the face

Mon, 10 Sep 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Elias got the job he wanted.

I am going to be stupidly cold to my doctor. I really rather dislike her now so I will just have very bare politeness.

This is what I get for actually trying to improve myself. Spit in the face.

I cant wait to die tbh. Maybe in a few years when I get my debt paid off?

hope tomorrow is super boring

Sun, 22 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Tomorrow is Steve’s birthday.

This weekend was weird RVAH was being shitty so Alex just quit. I can tell already that they are less stressed. We are less stressed as well.

I am curious to see how quick they will get a job. They are taking their time and making sure its a M-F office job, which is so much better.

We had good eats this weekend. Tomorrow is our dirt 1 year anniversary. hope tomorrow is going to be super boring. Bluh

Spoiler Alert: I Didn't Keep It Updated

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Spoiler alert: I didn’t keep it more updated. I’m not sure how to start after so long. We both got on T and we got a cat. Elias is quitting his job next week. Last week he passed out and had to go to the ER.

All that besides… I will try to write about my day.

I woke up very tired. Elias has had many days off this week. My new phone, Pixel 2, came in. I dropped the auto refinance paperwork at the UPS. We are not getting misgendered at all anymore. A customer at UPS called us “that gentleman”. The brother says we grow a beard better than he does.

size medium suck that universe

Sun, 11 Mar 2018 12:00:00 -0500

today we went to see game night but ended up seein black panther instead cuz game night was messed up. it was good anyways.

aint wantin to go back to work cuz had a 3 day weekend but whatever. we will figure it out when we fukin get back

hit 191 for our weight + hopefully that shit will fukin have us satisfied for a few weeks. hopin to be around ~187 by the end of march

i deserve a damn medal

Sun, 25 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

’- 10% raise @ my job yay!

someone merged into me and scratched my car, boo
down to 195/broke plateau yay!
work party was talking about spanking and turned into group therapy, boo!

anyway, i have been super consistent w/ working out + i think i deserve a damn medal. i’ve been super consistent about journaling too actually. in fact i have been getting into a routine which feels as awesome as it does weird! it helps so much & i actually feel like my life is finally getting stable which is awesome & scary lol

today sure was a day

Tue, 20 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

today sure was a day. tons of good news, tons of stress. found out that elias’ family is moving which is stress, but got a 10% raise which is good. enclosing the review papers.

i stress ate like an entire small dominos’ pizza and still only ended up 600 over and still under my tdee plus i undereate yesterday so its fine. mostly just frustrating to think my emotional eating isn’t over yet. thought i was done with that.

Dear Universe, Can Tomorrow Be Over Already

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Dear Universe, can tomorrow just be over with already? Cranked my Anxiety Meds up to 1.5 as per the doctors orders and it couldn’t be happening on a better night because I’m so worried about the yearly review trauma date one-two punch tomorrow.

Today, however, was lovely. Spent the day with my wife and cooked chili in the Instant Pot. It turned out great. I did, however, accidentally spill water on my wireless headphones and shorted them out. Ah, well. Another one bites the dust.

The Week That Never Ends

Mon, 12 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

This is the week that never ends. Jesus. The review looms closer. Just Wednesday to get through, then the review. Super unfortunate that it’s so slow @ work right now, hard to prove that we have made progress. My biggest worry is that we are going to get lots of criticism, which we can’t really take on such a big trauma date.

Why did we have to get hired on this date in particular?! Crazy unlucky.

probably just take a nap

Thu, 08 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

Guess who is not reading that previous page? This guy

I accidentally took a day off today bc I was supposed to work 7-3 but I slept in until 8 anyway but its probably good bc I havent had a day off in months

called in sick and Jessica let me use vacation day without any issues

I’m overwhelmed with the possibility of things I could do today. I’ll probably just take a nap. That might be a waste tho???

Stop Spinning Our Wheels

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 11:00:00 -0600

I am going to try journaling again. This may be the only entry before a 50 month hiatus, but.

I really want to throw this old thing away. So many bad memories. But we can’t just throw away our bad memories. We have to embrace our past selves, however imperfect, and accept that they, too, were once a part of us.

Feb is here. Feb 15th will be my one year job anniversary. Go me! Well, go us, really. We have survived a year @ a job, a feat we have never accomplished before. And at age 27, it’s long overdue. I am anxious about the review and potential raise, but we will see what happens.

halloween soon!

Thu, 12 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

i got a halloween costume and it matches elias' costume and i'm really excited but also nervous!!! i haven't dressed up for halloween in FOREVER. i hope that the whole thing goes well? still haven't decided whether to rsvp for the manager mixer or not. that's gonna b a really busy weekend with the manager mixer + renfest + elias working sunday (?) so i'm not sure if i want to. esp since elias won't b able to come w me at all bc he is working.

also ugh i really hope i stop having nightmares! i keep waking up at 4am from them and last night it was about tim. i don't remember exactly what but i think we were in one of our old houses and he was being a douche as usual. why.

i had more to write but idk anymore. so byeeeeeeeee

elias in the ER

Mon, 02 Oct 2017 12:00:00 -0500

elias went to the ER on friday so i left work early. ended up having to pay $150 out of pocket for the ER charge

today i will get metformin. i hope that is doing something. i forgot to take my medication last night which is fun. i must have been really tired because set the alarm wrong (6:45 on a day that we have to work at 7 doesn't compute), stayed up too late, and didn't take my meds. oh well. i'll live without them for one day. working 7-2 today to go to the doc appointment at 2:30pm.

gallbladder attack

Fri, 22 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

having a gallbladder attack at work suuuuuuuuuux. also someone did my makeup this morning and it looks 10/10. well maybe 8/10 but not bad for someone who probz didn't know how to do it and watched a video.

yesterday night was ? ??? i don't remember it at all sry. but at least it's THE WEEKEND!!! or friday at least.

dave & busters

Thu, 21 Sep 2017 12:00:00 -0500

went to dave and busters last night and drank. not to excess, thankfully. starting to trust jacob a little more with that. however, he overate a bit (not much) last night and decided to do it on a night when we had to work 7-3. sigh. at least we're out of the parking garage.

Update

Tue, 18 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I am going to try to keep this thing updated. I doubt I will ever get a chance to do so, but.

I don't even know where to start. I'm working at a vacations agency in Houston, TX now as an Online Editorial Assistant. That's fancy-speak for "I do data entry/computer stuff/write for a living." It's the highest paying job I've ever had, and it's the most free income I've ever had as well. I'm well budgeted for the first time in my adult life, I'm living in my own apartment (with my partner) and life is good in general.

That being said, tackling trauma has been... a task. With the host finally knowing about the DID, it has been a tough thing in general. Trying to exhaust all options before the host starts getting into having to deal with the trauma, but. There is only so much I can do, truthfully.

I don't know if anyone will read this. The idea that someone might, though, is what keeps me writing. Even if it is friends only, aha. I would write more, but. I really need to put the body to rest to actually get some sleep for work tomorrow. Today has been quite a day, and I don't want to exhaust myself beyond what I'm already going to be as it is.

Afraid Of Moving Forward

Thu, 13 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

I have a confession to make: I am a self-sabotager. It’s probably not much of a confession as people who know me already probably know this pretty well. I’m more confessing to myself.

I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid that it will come with more responsibility, which I never feel competent taking on, even if I (rationally) am. I’m afraid if I don’t flawlessly master where I am at now, I’m not ready to move on. I know that’s not the case, but. Convincing emotions is difficult.

hard earned stability

Wed, 12 Apr 2017 12:00:00 -0500

Brief timeline of last months:

august 2016 – Visit #1 with Elias, 3 weeks
september 2016 –Kelci breakup
october 2016 – end of oct is visit #2 w/Elias (lasted a month, into Nov)
december 2016 – end of dec, moved in w/Elias
january 2017 – move to TX - airbnb
february 2017 – 2 weeks @ Elias’ parents, started working at VTG
march 2017 – got our own apartment. car broke down
april 2017 – today

i am not qualified to talk about the breakup or ramifications of it so i will talk about Date: 2017

Still Alive

Mon, 20 Jun 2016 12:00:00 -0500

Still alive.

We quit our job and our birthday passed with very little fuss. We quit because people were being disrespectful of our PTSD. Things are tighter financially, but Amazon MTurk is filling in the gaps.

We got the bike fixed, so we can ride wherever. It is much better than walking. Someone walked 8 miles the other day, and we are still physically recovering.

We moved into a new place. It is in Riverside. It is much better than the father’s.

Things Are Great

Sat, 21 May 2016 12:00:00 -0500

It’s so hard to keep this stupid thing updated.

There was a new girl hired at work. Not sure how I feel. She seems very stuck up and inappropriately know-it-all even on the first week, so glad I am not having to deal with her.

Also, consequently, I’ve been having my hours cut. It’s that or help the downstairs lab. And I will help them over my dead body. Eric is horrible. The lot of them are horrible.

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

Tue, 10 May 2016 12:00:00 -0500

It’s been months since an update and I think that is because this has been shoved in a drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

News:

Got a job 02/12/2016
Moving soon
Closer to Raven than ever (I think I’m in love?)
Bought several items (New phone, xbone, etc)

That’s about it. Emotionally, of course, there are new things to report. I can’t really remember them all, though. A few days ago was Mother’s Day which is always hard, but harder this year… Ended up finally doing the 24 hrs voice call with Raven though. Feeling pretty accomplished about that, honestly.

shit is hitting the fan

Thu, 14 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

hey yall, been awhile since i got a chance to update this thing. only really doing it now cuz i dont got nothing else to do and shit needs to be said.

therapy went fine just basic questions tho i got the feeling shit is gonna get real ugly real fast.

spouse has new job so money should be less tight…

system wise shit is hitting the fan faster than a frog on a log or some shit. gatekeeper dealing with new memories + all of us are having a hard time adjusting still.

Gift Holidays Are Awkward

Tue, 05 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

The spouse got a new job. They have to wait for the drug test to be processed, so it may take a few days to fully see exactly the details. It is full time at the very least, which takes away plenty of the financial worries that were abound.

The only real worry now is that there will most likely be a gap in paycheck due to the new job holding back a week. And right when we need it too starting therapy and Best Friend Birthday at the end of the month.

tired of being tired

Mon, 04 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

god i am tired of being tired which probably seems like a paradox. strange that i’m back around more and more often. guess things are settling down.

i could complain about a million things, but honestly i don’t even have the energy to do so.

since i have been gone for a month, everything has changed. and as usual, i just get really truncated versions of what happened and trying to dig up memories is working about as well as it ever does.

Need To Journal Regularly

Sat, 02 Jan 2016 11:00:00 -0600

I am not very big on writing in journals, but Richard is, so I wanted to get him a nice one rather than the one he chose to burn.

I will have to transfer over the system list at some point as well, or at the very least, have an insert of such. Digital copies are nice, but physical copies are more satisfying.

Also need to journal regularly to keep the host up to date on important events.

Microblogs - January 2012

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:00:00 -0600

2012-01-30, 10:31 PM: fuck it, i'm deleting my plurk. anyone need my contact info?

2012-01-26, 6:56 AM: i think i'm finally ready to start rping on lj again. like everyone moved on though

2012-01-20, 12:19 PM: also i should update and say i'm moving out on my own this weekend.

2012-01-16, 2:30 PM: i feel like i'm in a really bad dream. i can't believe she's gone

2012-01-16, 1:33 PM: i wake up to "amanda might lose her job" thank you, work. i appreciate it.

2012-01-16, 2:41 AM: i guess i'm gonna try to sleep. fuck.

2012-01-16, 12:40 AM: well, my grandma passed. i guess the mourning can officially begin.

2012-01-13, 11:51 AM: My grandma is dying. I won't even be touching lj rp for a little while. Sorry. she was fine a week ago...

2012-01-04, 8:28 PM: hey i figured i'd invite everyone to my stream for once

2012-01-04, 11:36 PM: tumblr rp is gr8 ok guys. why do some ljers feel the need to snub it. i've met some really amazing rpers on there

Microblogs - October 2011

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 12:00:00 -0500

2011-10-31 11:34 PM: Now to sleep after my 2 hours of free time. Being an adult sucks and no one understands.

2011-10-31 6:03 AM: I'm eating a lunchables the morning before I start my first serious job. The kid in me likes Lunchables, and the adult in me likes my job! I am such a balanced individual.

2011-10-27 2:15 PM: Job said they'd work around my schedule (I would just come in early on Mondays and Wednesdays). The happiness I am feeling right now is amazing

2011-10-25 12:30 AM: The EOA5 flash was sweet, especially the part where they fix the tank.

2011-10-21 11:45 PM: something in the system glitched and i still have all my userpics from the paid account trial. They're still all useable too

2011-10-19 1:43 PM: Sorry I've been kind of inactive on plurk lately! I promise I read all of your plurks. I don't mark them all as read, I go through and read each one.

2011-10-19 12:52 AM: Something I subtitled has over 400,000 views. my heart is goin doki doki

2011-10-18 11:59 PM: i'm 12 and what is this

2011-10-17 7:59 PM: Proof That Tupac and Elvis Were In Cahoots - https:--www.youtube.com-watch?v=ZjGVGt8XYAQ

2011-10-15 12:37 AM: Ok my +24hour nosleepathon is over and I have woken up fully rested and "asshole Nate" as some people like to call it

2011-10-14 8:13 PM: i just fell asleep sitting up. i guess that's what happens when you literally dont sleep one day and just sorta stay up 24 hours. i was like perusing some site and i just fell asleep

2011-10-12 5:26 PM: Someone is sitting across from me IN PUBLIC, playing her laptop, with Bejewelled BLASTING. that really fucking necessary? You don't need to have your crappy ambient music and sound of jewels and magical fucking sprinklenoises cranked.

2011-10-12 3:03 PM: Just dropped $250 on clothes. I update my wardrobe about once a decade. NOW I FEEL SUPER GUILTY FOR BUYING STUFF.

2011-10-12 12:51 AM: 2 hours of sleep last night woot. Tumblr rp is too entertaining for its own good.

2011-10-11 8:51 PM: I feel like all my older friends are getting irritated at me for being a homestuck.

2011-10-11 1:29 AM: Sorry for being useless and whiny today. I'll try to keep my chin up.

2011-10-10 9:03 AM: new homestuck on the 25th...guess who's staying away from all social media until he's done watching?

2011-10-08 7:27 AM: I should really get on my homework tomorrow. :| There's all the pages in the world I need to read, and none of the time.

2011-10-07 7:25 PM: over 9000 tags to answer

2011-10-06 11:57 AM: I find it hard to believe that I frequent LJ now as often as I did a decade ago. I kind of find it hard to believe it's been a decade at all.

2011-10-03 8:17 PM: back from school

2011-10-03 3:09 PM: Thanks to everyone who took the time to cheer me up today. It really made a difference.

2011-10-03 12:52 AM: fuck yeah going to bed at a decent hour! night~ should be up and tagging around 10am my time

2011-10-02 7:04 PM: Food times

2011-10-02 4:24 PM: 70 pages of reading due tomorrow for one class and I haven't even started yet. Read ALL of the things??

2011-10-01 3:05 PM: 100 pages later... One part of my homework is done!

Ever again?

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:00:00 -0500

(I realized this journal is disturbingly without updates, so I decided to throw something on here. For those not up to speed: my mother has left her abuser of 15 years. I'm 21. My father got me when I was 11~12. If you do the math, you'll figure out my brother and I had to live with him for quite awhile, too.

By the way, I don't enjoy talking about this. It wasn't a 'relief' to get it all out. In fact, it made me physically sick to dwell on it enough to write it. But, these things need to be said.)

I just had a nightmare where Steve and I were little kids, running from Grandma's house because of the terror that is Tim. No matter how much we ran, we just couldn't get away. I think that is a good metaphor for the living hell we were put through as children.

Children don't get to choose where they live. They don't get the choice of running away-- they have to do what their parents say. And what do you do when all your parent wants is to stay with the abusive, terrorizing asshole, with seemingly no care or abandon for her children? Absolutely *nothing*. You can't do anything; you're a child! You're trapped in this world.

I feel like that dream was reminding me that it's not over yet, at least for my mom. It has been over for me since around 2001 or 2002, when dad got custody of us. Thankfully, he didn't take mom's advice and just "forget about the kids". If we hadn't have had him being proactive and taking custody, the nightmare wouldn't have ended until we were old enough to escape. It would have been a mandatory sentence to stay another six years-- something that I, personally, could not have taken.

I harbor a lot of bitterness and anger for my mother for putting us through this. I know she was blinded by abuse and alcohol, but that is no excuse for putting your children through it. We were human beings, something I think she forgot along the line. Even though we were young back then, we were forced to grow up at a disturbingly young age. Even the psychologist said it in those papers-- "They need to learn how to be kids and let their guard down".

It's not surprising that the psychologist would say something like this. We always had our guard up, because it was impossible to not be guarded when we lived with a terrorist. This is a man who thought it was okay to beat our mother up in front of us. A man who is obviously mentally unwell, for whatever reason (I really don't care why, honestly.)

Let me briefly tell you about one little night in what Steve and I had to come up with. I remember it well: it was towards the end of the nightmare, because we were living in Riverside, at the house that was on top of the garage. Steve and I sat in absolute fear as the terrorist chased our mother around the house with a crowbar. Our mother had hidden his gun from him, underneath his car seat, and I believe he was trying to figure out where his gun was.

Does this scream 'normal' childhood to anyone? Probably not. But the answer from us as kids probably would have been 'yes'-- This was our reality. I don't know why I remembered this night in specific, because they were pretty much all like that. Our reality was waking up every day and escaping to school, and then coming back home to someone who terrorized for fun. Even if we tried to hide away in our rooms, he would come and find us. Whether it was to bang on bongos, or to drag us out to the living room to listen to the blasting music, or try to get us to drink at age 10 or 11... We never got a moment of peace.

Unless we were with our dad.

Our dad was the only moment of peace that we were afforded. We could go over to his house and just get away from it all. He would take us to the movies or let us play games without worry. We wouldn't have to worry about him getting drunk and wreaking havoc. We could just worry about being kids, and for a minute, we could just be kids.

But then it was all over: once the few days were over, and we had to go back to that household-- back to being adults trapped in the bodies of children, back to putting our guard up and trying to tune things out.

Every negative thing that I am today, that terrorizing has made me: neurotic, lack of coping skills for small things, easily bothered, self-conscious, withdrawn, anti-social, depressed. I cannot stand even the littlest of things bothering me. I think I used up my entire lifetime's worth of "patience" and "tolerance" quota when I lived with tim and mom. Now that I'm an adult, little things get to me a disturbing amount.

All of these things are not a natural state of mind for a person. There's no doubt in my mind that going through that mental abuse while I was a child crafted me into that sort of person.

My father has always been supportive of my brother and I. We are very lucky to have someone who cares as much as he does.

My mother? She might have been blinded by the alcohol and the abuse, but in my mind, that does not absolve her of all responsibility for her actions. She kept us children in a negative and abusive environment. Not only that, but she personally thought it was okay to tell me that it was my fault she was in jail, my fault for everything. When my father wasn't the punching bag, I was.

Why? It doesn't make any sense to me. I have no regrets; I would never do anything differently. Am I sorry for "getting her arrested" at Van Andel Arena? Fuck no! Am I sorry for the "stairs incident"? Hell. No.

I was finally old enough to view and realize the world around me was fucked up, and I was a child doing what I could to get myself and my brother out of a really bad situation. I only have praise for my childhood self; miraculously, I was strong enough to defend myself. To sit in court and testify-- at the age of 11-- against the terrorist who had been living in our house for more than five years at that point... That takes a lot of strength.

All of this comes back to my first point... Children cannot do anything to get themselves out of that sort of situation. No matter how strong, no one is going to take a child seriously without an adult by their side. They need help. I'm eternally indebted to my father for providing that help when we needed it. I'm also indebted to all the social workers who helped us out when we were in need. That kind of help is making me consider going into social work.

But to my mother? I think I'm going to need a little more time to heal. When I was younger, before my mom and dad split up, I used to call her "mama". In my mind, that person, "mama", isn't here anymore.

"Mama" didn't drink and did her best to raise her kids in as positive an environment as possible. "Mama" was still a young mother, untainted by the physical and mental abuse of that terrorist. But... That person hasn't been here since 1995. I'm not sure if that person will ever be back.

Will mom ever be "mama" again? Time has yet to tell.

blah

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

The true life episode "I'm Passing As Someone I'm Not" is all sorts of transphobic. The first part of the episode is about a black woman who claims to be costa rican despite not having any costa rican blood whatsoever. She says she does it because being hispanic is "hip" where she lives.

However, the second part of the episode is about someone whose is transgender. Using the theme of the episode, you'd think it was talking about a cross dresser (someone who dressed as a woman despite not identifying as one as all).

However, at the beginning of the episode, Domaine says "I'm a woman trapped in a man's body". That would signify a transgender individual, right? But the entire episode, she says things like she's "deceiving people" and "you don't know the real me". That would suggest that she is just a crossdresser...? Since she is transgender, it's really offensive to say things like "I'm passing as someone i'm not" and "i'm not who you thought i am" the entire episode.

If she was just a crossdresser, it wouldn't be as much of an issue. The problem is, she identifies as a female yet she continues to use language like "I'm not who you thought I am" and "I'm a man".

In the episode, she says she's transgender. Domaine's question answers in this interview show her problematic way of thinking of things. Saying things like "Sooner or later, the world will find out about the real me." (emphasis mine) flat out says that the "real" her is a man. Usually, when one talks about their "real" self, they aren't necessarily talking about their body, they're talking about who they are to the core, especially in the transgender community. When she says "They'll find out about the real me," she's undermining all trans individuals everywhere that struggle to convince people that our gender is the *real* us.

I can understand being nervous about people finding out about having a penis. But the entire episode is filled with problematic language... When coming out, she says "I'm a man. I'm a transgender." The two of those are completely different concepts, and I don't think it's a good idea to make an episode about someone who is confused about terminology.

Also, whoever made that show is super-offensive-man by titling the episode "I'm Passing As Someone I'm Not".

Momoiro Sparkling sucks

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 12:00:00 -0500

I just want to rant about this piece of crap for a minute.

Go ahead, listen to it. Come back when you're done, I'll wait. ... Done? Okay. Here's my thoughts on it: BIG GIANT PIECE OF CRAP.

I think C-ute was going in the right direction when they released Kiss Me Aishiteru. Chisato gets the most lines... on a really poor song. It doesn't really matter whether she gets the most lines or not if I'm never going to listen to the damn song. I could understand Morning Musume going in this direction. Their average age just got a lot younger. But why is C-ute? Why? There is no particular reason. Their last two singles were their best selling singles, and all of a sudden, Tsunku is shooting himself in the foot again by releasing this ~upbeat genki~ crap.

He always fucking does this. Whenever there's a good single, he completely turns around after that and releases a big giant turd. I just don't understand why C-ute is being reverted back to Shochuu/La La La land? It's not like genki songs sell any better than cool songs...

Sales number comparison

Genki songs

Sakura Chirari 26,595
Meguru Koi no Kisetsu 26,785
LALALA Shiawase no Uta 31,650
Shochuu 33,613
Everyday Zeikkouchou 27,750
Campus Life 23,932

Cool/dance songs

Tokaikko Junjou 38,085
Namida no Iro 33,422
Forever Love 29,144
Bye Bye Bye 27,918
Shock 23,389 (sold poorly because it was an Airi fest, I think)
Dance de Bakoon 23,664
Aitai Lonely Christmas 26,238
Kiss Me Aishiteru 23,648

WTF hybrid songs that I'm just going to leave out:

Edo no Temari Uta II 35,789

Genki song average sales: 28,388
Cool/dance songs average sales: 28,189

They are practically the same, give or take a few hundred copies (which is normal margin of error, I think). I'll be honest, I thought the cool songs sold a lot more, so... I guess I proved to myself that it doesn't matter what style of song it is; it's probably going to sell the same (sadly enough)*

So, what is Tsunku thinking? I have a couple of theories:

Kiss Me Aishiteru was a lot of work to create. He'd rather fall back on something easy now (with less complex instrumental work).
He's not making any more sales from cool songs anyway, so he's not going to go through the effort.
He genuinely thinks that this song will sell big. (Um... generic pop crap? That hasn't sold big since 2000.)
He's going to start converting ALL the groups back to genki in a desperate grab for the golden era.
It costs less to produce a genki song (less to pay the choreographer, mixer, etc.) I don't know about whether that's true or not.
The most likely culprit: It's summer, so he's releasing genki, let's-go-to-the-beach crap.

For the record: I have nothing against this style of song WHEN IT'S DONE WELL. Momoiro Sparkling is both generic and given to the wrong group. Giving a cutesy, upbeat song to C-ute not only undermines all the hard work they've done to be taken as the young women they are, but it also wastes away their dancing and singing talents.

Blah. Here's hoping Berryz' next single is 'cool' style so H!P isn't in a trifecta-of-crap song era.

The crap song funk happened last year around this time, too:

Morning Musume released Seishun Correction (breaking their streak of awesomeness, worst selling single since Mikan in 2007)
C-ute released the borefest that is Campus Life
Berryz released Maji Bomber (worst selling single since 2007)
s/mileage released Ganbaranakutemo Eenende!! (far inferior to Yumemiru 15)
Mano Erina proved to be the exception to the rule and released her best single to date, Onegai Dakara

Let's not repeat last summer, shall we, Tsunku? (Except for the Mano Eri thing. Go ahead and repeat that.)

*(editor note 2025: yes, it sold around the same as everything else in that era: 23,961)

embarking

Sat, 15 May 2010 12:00:00 -0500

i haven't updated this in a year, i know. it doesn't matter though. it's a private journal and i can update it when i want.

i quit my job at wal-mart and will be going to college at kvcc. this is a new journey for me. it's something i feel i have to do, even though people might not understand it.

i think i'll enjoy my new freedom. a lip piercing, maybe a tattoo. and i'll be able to see flag in the winter time. that will be absolutely amazing and make everything worth it. even though i'll be in debt, i don't even care. it's worth it.

orientation

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:00:00 -0500

So… I had Wal-mart cashier orientation from 1-5 today. It was just the beginning, I guess I’m actually doing the computer questions tomorrow, and then maybe register practice on Sunday, and then start work on Monday? That’s not exactly what they told me, I’m just guessing about that but that makes sense.

I got there about a half hour early and sat waiting. There were 6 people besides me; 3 girls and 4 guys. When we went into the room, we got nametags. I had trouble finding the letter “A” so it took me five minutes just to wait for people to get finished with the new sheet. After that, we were lectured about some of the rules.

Some interesting things to note, that I learned:
- I’ll be promoted to permanent after three months if I don’t suck total ass
- The uniform is basically just a navy blue shirt (any style) and brown pants (any style)
- We get three days of unexplained absence before we’re fired. The lady said it was pretty much impossible to get fired unless you REALLY tried. They give you so many strikes.
- I’ll probably be working during the day because the garden center closes at 9pm

Then, we went out and took a small tour of the place. I’m just glad I’m not working in the back because it is HUGE and very confusing in the back. I found out that I’m going to be working basically in a greenhouse, which is going to SUCK ASS in the middle of June. I’m seriously going to be sweating.

After that, we went back into the training room and watched two of the most boring videos in existence. The first one was talking about how AMAZING it was to be a ~Wal-mart Associate~ (they call them Associates, not Employees) and then talked about how they have some “Open Door” policy where you can talk to anyone in management for whatever reason at any time. They said it wasn’t necessary to form a union because of this. Made me roll my eyes, but whatever. It was only 5 minutes long.

The next video was 20 minutes long, and considering the subject matter, that was excruciatingly long. The subject matter was… proper procedure for cleaning up spills. A 20 minute video about just that. I was pretty much falling asleep during it. I could see some guy texting even though the person specifically said not to.

After that, we played a really dumb board game. Basically everyone was rolling our eyes at how ridiculous it was. By the end of it, we weren’t even reading the “chance” cards that were supposed to teach us about customer service. We were just trying to get through it.

Then we were given a packet. We were supposed to run around the store finding things. I ended up going with the other Lawn & Garden cashier they hired. This was probably one of the most informative things I did, but not because of the packet. It was more because we stopped into the lawn & garden section and asked the woman who worked there how it was. Learned a few things there too:

- She started 2 weeks ago, but she’s gotten 40 hours even though she’s supposed to be ‘temp’
- It’s slow right now but it’s supposed to get busier during summer
- What you do during slow time is basically fix the way stock looks, clean up, and water plants

After that, we were released and I was told I had to come back at 1-5pm. Then I hopped over to Goodwill to buy myself at least one uniform for work. Ended up being $8, just a blue shirt and brown pants.

/edit, last part deleted because I misunderstood my dad. He only expects me to save 400-500 a month which gives me 300 to basically do whatever I want. I hope….

Because kissing ass doesn't work anymore.

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 12:00:00 -0500

I woke up today to this PM:

"If you're receiving this message, I regret to say that you did not pass the auditions for Generation 5 of Hana Project.

It was a very difficult decision in the end, and even more than with Round 1 we had to nitpick like crazy to come up with our final nine Gen 5 members. Some of you getting this PM are absolutely fantastic vocalists, and I don't want you to think for a second that we didn't choose you because we don't recognize your vocal ability. When I said that the auditions are 10% vocals and 90% everything else, it was truer than ever this time around. We had to narrow it down in the end to the girls who we felt this time fit the best with us in all respects.

It was very close and I sincerely hope that all of you will audition next time around. You made a huge accomplishment getting to Round 2 in the first place, and if you got there, we feel very strongly about your voice already.

Feel free to hang around the forums for as long as you like. Coming to know all of you has been awesome and we'd hate to lose touch.

Good luck to everyone for next time, and thank you for auditioning!

` Sayuri"

I didn't get into HanaProject. Which means I pretty much just wasted two months kissing ass. Yes, I was kissing ass. I didn't say ANYTHING negative to the leader. Every dub was commented with "omg this is awesome! so good desu!" even though, for the most part, I heard lots of flaws in everything. And I'm a bitch. Trust me, it pains me to be completely nice 100% of the time for 2 whole months.

I was probably put through to the second round to avoid drama, in fact. I know for a fact that there was another auditioner that was put through to avoid drama, so I could see that happening with me too. But if that was the case, why bother? If they didn't want me, then they shouldn't have let me in to round 2. I could have not done an interview and not done lines, then.

You know what's fucked up? HALF of the people in round 2 got in. Yup. 9 people. The difference between me and the other people who didn't get in? THEY DIDN'T WASTE TWO FUCKING MONTHS KISSING ASS.

I want to know why I didn't get in, but I'm not going to ask. Considering I got past the first round, it was either the fact that they didn't like my voice, or they didn't like my interview. I'm pretty sure I answered the interview questions 'correctly', or as correctly as I could have. Apparently my personality wasn't 'up to snuff' enough for them, so.

I dunno. I guess I'm just butthurt because I was confident I'd get let in. This is just another disappointment. I didn't get the job, I didn't get the part in HanaProject, etc. Life is pretty much disappointment after disappointment for me; I should just start getting used to it.

In other news, a completely random blogger reviewed a few of my dubs: MY BOY and Pira! Otome no Negai. Pretty strange. She was nice, but it's not enough to make me feel better.

stealing.

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:00:00 -0500

I really hate how people say that if you download an album and don't buy it, you're "stealing profits" from the record company. Or, more accurately, they point the finger and yell "THIEF!"

In order to steal something, it has to be a commodity. If I went into Best Buy and stole an iPod, I would be robbing them out of $300 profits. I'd be stealing from them. But mp3s are not stealing because they are not a commodity. Mp3s can be replicated however many times. It's sharing, not stealing.

Then RIAA or whatever tries to say they stole "potential profit". Wtf? The record companies assume that 1 illegal download = 1 lost sale. But that's not necessarily true. How many times have people downloaded music and absolutely hated it? I know I have. I'm not going to run out and buy an album that I hate. Just because someone downloads something doesn't necessarily mean they would have bought it if the internet wasn't around. The "potential profit" argument is bullshit.

I do agree that, morally, if you have the money and listen to the album often, you should buy it. I would buy all the albums I listen to often if I actually had ANY spare money, and actually plan on doing so once I get a job. Dad's like "why would you do that? you have them on the computer." but I really want to support the artist, plus I like having the physical CD.

I just don't think that we should be buying CDs we haven't even tried. Why would you run out and buy a CD if you'd never heard the tracks? What if it totally sucks? That doesn't seem like a good way to spend money. Not to mention, buying a crappy CD is encouraging the people who make the music to make more like that, at least in the case of UFA and other profit-hungry organizations.

And honestly? H!P fans are screaming "Buy the album! Support MoMusu!", but honestly? It's very, very mediocre to me. I'm not going to spend hard earned money on an album that doesn't absolutely captivate me.

Guess I'm just a con artist.

Microblogs - September 2009

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500

2009-09-30 2:49 AM: seriously need to get out of this house and dad's "because I'm 40, I'm superior to you" thoughts.

2009-09-27 10:49 PM: what the heck flag

2009-09-26 11:00 PM: it's officially the day cliff died. 23 years. RIP ;~;

2009-09-26 10:20 PM: project runway owns

2009-09-25 10:27 PM: good to hear your voice again flag~

2009-09-25 3:21 AM: a lot of things happened today, so I'm gonna go sleep and try to wind down a little bit.

2009-09-24 1:34 AM: Yup. I officially don't give a fuck anymore.

2009-09-16 2:55 PM: the person that was supposed to be getting a hold of me "like, totally didn't have any time this week!" what bs.

2009-09-15 11:56 AM: yay yay diet breakthrough

2009-09-14 9:07 AM: dreams where you know you're in a dream are weird

2009-09-13 10:01 PM: everyone tonight... sigh

2009-09-13 5:02 PM: throat is feeling a bit better

2009-09-12 11:43 PM: also everyone started naming their little girls isabella lately. fucking twilight. enjoy having to be called by your last initial, ladies

2009-09-12 1:14 AM: i talked to an old friend again <3

2009-09-11 10:39 PM: september 11th means tons of specials about 9/11 on the history channel

2009-09-11 10:11 PM: there's a reason why i don't bother socializing.

2009-09-07 12:01 AM: poor flag////

2009-09-05 2:53 PM: going to go on xbox and re-download some stuff, i'll be back online in a half hour or so

2009-09-05 10:45 AM: slept well

2009-09-03 7:32 PM: diet start~

2009-09-02 3:43 PM: steve got a job orz

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: right bedtime now

2009-09-02 2:25 AM: need to go to bed soon, if i stay up all night steve gets on in the morning and clack-clacks on the keyboard .__.

2009-09-01: playing online bingo, which is strangely addictive

DDR

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I went out to eat with Steve and Jimmy todayyyy. Steve paid for it because he's a sweetie. He's so selfless; he's the type of person that spends all his check on other people. I really need to get a job to pay him back.

Anyway, we went to Steak and Shake. I had sweet tea and a bacon/chedder burger. I didn't have a shake because we were each supposed to only spend $10. My meal ended up being $8 or something?

Then we went to the mall and went to the arcade. I played DDR for at least 45 minutes, which is actually a lot for fatty-chans like myself. I think I worked off that burger. Then I played Deal or No Deal a few times and had like... 400 tickets? I spent 150 or something and Steve accidentally kept the tickets in his pocket, and when we were walking back to the car, I gave them to three little boys because I wasn't going to use them myself anyway. Steve said I was so generous, and I said I was like the ticket Mother Theresa or somethin'.

Anyway, I played DDR with a very nice girl. She was almost as good as me, but I beat her every song except the last one, because by that time, fatty-chan was very tired. I should have got her AIM or something, it would have been nice to make friends with her but meh. I posted a "missed connections" ad on craigslist for the lulz, and if I don't hear from her, that's fine.

job prospects

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I’m gonna try applying for this position tomorrow. As the proud owner of fingers that type over 100wpm (and a GED), I’m as highly qualified for this position as can be. But I didn’t know about applying through the mail, so we’re just going to try to go there in person and do so. After all, a resume is gonna look a little silly if I don’t have any job experience… but if they tell me to apply through mail instead, then I will.

job interview

Tue, 19 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

So I got a job interview at an auto parts place. Here was the job listing. I don’t know whether I really want this job or not. It includes local deliveries and requires a driver’s license, which may be bad because I hate driving. I’m not really sure if I’ll pass the Motor Vehicle Report (because of the motorcycle thing.) Also, not sure if I can lift 50 lbs. It pays $9 an hour though, which is a few bucks more than any other entry level position. In short, I’m kind of iffy about the job. If I get it, great. If I don’t, that’s okay too.

one

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0500

I guess I'll use this time to say that more tickets for Grand Rapids Metallica concert in Nov turned up on ebay, but as usual they're at scalper Fuck You In The Ass prices. And as usual, I've been far too lazy to actually go to the temp service and get a job. Supposedly Steve and Danny are moving out soon, which means less drain on our resources. They were like, "It'll cost us 175 combined to live at the Roadway Inn, and dad's gonna try to charge us 200 bucks combined!" And I was thinking (but I didn't say because hell, I want them to move): "Yeah? Does that include fucking food and gas?" They're pretty... dumb. They aren't realistic about money.

Microblogs - March 2009

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 11:00:00 -0600

2009-03-01 3:35 AM: i'm becoming unhealthily obsessed with a certain band

2009-03-06 12:42 PM: finally fucking got a job

Microblogs - February 2009

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 11:00:00 -0600

2009-02-27 5:26 PM: i'm the rp god lolol

2009-02-25 12:16 AM: i need AFFECTION

2009-02-24 9:12 AM: i hate the color brownnn. [also ugh going to temp services today]

2009-02-22 10:02 PM: i love cake;

2009-02-21 6:55 PM: some shitty nick song stuck in my head

2009-02-17 4:57 PM: sharing a link to the naichau kamo single wooo;;

2009-02-15 7:23 PM: i want out of here

2009-02-13 6:50 PM: what the shit is a "plurk" anyway.

2009-02-12 12:13 AM: family is crazy;;

2009-02-10 10:01 PM: fuck everyone, srsly

2009-02-09 4:48 AM: bedtime now

2009-02-07 9:41 PM: hungryyyy

2009-02-06 11:17 PM: splurged and spent $40, so I better get the job✩

2009-02-06 6:10 AM: going to bed now~~

2009-02-01 6:40 AM: just now getting to sleep... jeez

My life...

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

&apologies;
I have really, really been meaning to update this thing with something useful. Really. I have really good intentions but I haven't gotten around to it. So here I am! ♥

&writing;
I want to write so much. I know, I'll probably rp with Matt dizzle sometime soon but it's really itching me... so I maybe will write some sort of fanfic about Gears something soon. I've had this creative feeling for the past few days and I don't know what it's about. Maybe it's because I haven't been creative enough lately? So if you see a story placed in this journal sometime, you can read it or don't, it doesn't matter to me. But I bet you'll be seeing one from me soon.

&gaming;
Meh.. I broke my gaming streak today because I didn't get on. Maybe I just feel less like gaming lately? Rock Band has been bleh (I need a break from it) and COD4 is impossible on Veteran and lost its addictiveness on Multiplayer. I could play Viva Pinata but I didn't really feel like it today.. and Sneak King is definitely for days that I feel like playing it.

&drama;
There was a lot of drama today which surely insured at first that I would have weekend plans, then they were torn away from me. Yeah, shitty, but oh well. I'll get over it. I just feel like I'm going to lose friends over bullshit and I don't really want to... I might not seem like it, but I really, REALLY hate drama. It stresses me out and I tend to want to eliminate stress sources (a part of a reason why I quit high school).

&topmodel;
I watched Season 9 of America's Next Top Model and I was totally blown away, shocked, and OFFENDED by who was top model. I won't spoil it because it's a fairly recent season but once again I feel when it came down to the last two, the person who really deserved it got ripped off. It wasn't so much of an injustice as Season 8 though. Natasha TOTALLY deserved every ounce of that prize and I'm glad to hear she's still out there modeling. I wanted to use her in my new layout but I couldn't find a high enough quality picture, unfortunately.

&life;
I want to see what we can do about my GED this weekend. I'm going to go take a test hopefully this weekend to see if I can take the GED without study (hopefully I can) and if it's possible I'll just jump and take the real test. Then I will need a car to drive so that I can learn, which comes down to fixing our cars with tax returns. Then, I will get a job.. then I will visit him.

&taxreturns;
For tax returns, Dad said it was possible to get a new monitor which I severely need because this one is major suckage. Also he said we're getting both our cars fixed which is great. He said he was going to sell the Grand Prix and get me a new car most likely.. and I said it would be better on insurance and easier to drive if he got a smaller Japanese one. I just feel more comfortable because I'm so fucking short if I'm driving a smaller car.

&etc;
There's PROBABLY things I'm forgetting. I'm that type of person. However, if I remember anything I'll add it in? Or just make a new entry if it's significant enough. Happy Friday everyone and remember: not everything is as it seems. Good night.

website host BAILS

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0600

note: i posted this on jphip because i needed a host.. but it's basically the whole story

Well.. how do I begin this nightmare?

What happened first is someone told me about tehlove hosting at [tehlove.org/.](http://tehlove.org/.) Their plans were really well priced (but not free) and I begged my grandmother for $20 to get a medium sized plan. I registered [songforxx.org](http://songforxx.org) and they were up fairly quickly.

I used my domain on and off because that's how it seemed to want to work-- on and off. The host frankly sucked, the site was always down and I was beginning to wonder what I paid for. I know, I know, "you get what you pay for" but I wasn't willing to drop another $100 on a domain that I don't use THAT often.

I finally started to use it a little more... and the host said that they were shutting down. They said that our domains would remain in tact for as long as we paid for it. Great! I didn't care if they were shutting down as long as they made good with what I paid for. I was starting to make plans for the domain, I had great plans for it in 2008.

Then I get an e-mail today which says they have to "transfer the domain names" and they're getting rid of their reseller. That's right... ditching on everyone who paid, no matter if they got their full year or only 5 months (like myself). Well, if I'm getting half the product, shouldn't I have paid half the price? That $10 could've gone toward something, I don't know, a jpop single or something. I'd rather give my money to people who will actually give me the product than bailing out halfway through.

So... now they're transferring the domain name to me, which is good for another half a year and I'm stuck hostless because they couldn't manage finances or whatever.

So please... my site doesn't take up more than 50mb at any point in time and I really need a host right now (one that can tell me wtf to do to transfer the domain to a different server too). If you can spare any space on your domain and have the knowledge to help me transfer it over to your space, I would really, really appreciate it..

edit: new layout
edit2: got a new host, will be located here

10 things that make me happy!

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0600

Rules: The rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 10 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs. Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in a while.

01] Dale♥ Whenever I talk to him, I am happier. He makes my life worth living♥
02] Morning Musume & Ayu.. well, music in general, I guess. If it's a happy song, I get happy!
03] Getting stuff for free!
04] Steve and Amanda♥ My brother and my best friend! They can both cheer me up when I'm feeling upset or down. Steve is brutally honest which I really appreciate and Amanda always makes me feel good about myself.
05] Making other people happy. I sub so that other people can understand things and enjoy the videos better. I try to do my best everyday to help other people out when I can, and when I see that they are truly happy because of it, it makes me happier than anything.
06] Watching Tyra and court TV! And comedies too ♥ I love learning stuff, and I also love people who are inspirational, and things that make me laugh. Whenever I laugh, I'm happy.
07] When I actually work for something and can buy it myself. When I worked for those 1600 Microsoft Points and didn't make dad pay $20 for me, I felt so liberated and like I really earned them! (And I didn't spend them so quickly knowing that too XDD)
08] Dancing and singing. Singing mostly, unfortunately because it makes me so happy, when someone criticizes me, I get really upset T___T
09] Rock Band which is coming out in FOUR DAYS #(Y*RY*#RHOSDGHDSGH I CANNOT WAIT! We're gonna line up before Best Buy opens and rush in there and get a copy! ♥
10] Simple pleasures such as rain pattering outside the window or calm music. It makes me happy and peaceful.

Um.. I'm glad I did this. Because a lot of people say I'm super moody and angry all the time and hard to please, I think this is a list that can be useful. XDD

wtf

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

my monitor now has ~110px dead at the bottom, stretching from left and right of my screen rendering its resolution to be about 1280 wide and 900 height. which is ironically the exact resolution for widescreen monitors, something i didn’t want in the first place.

god damn it

dunno when i can get it fixed if ever until i get a job

Documenting the lulz

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 12:00:00 -0500

This man has the nerve to call *ME* a fat loser.

I'm keeping this entry public so anyone who was or wasn't involved can read about it, and take the screenshots how they want to take them.

What happened was, fazeshot decided to post a thread regarding subbing Gyaruru's "Boom Boom Meccha Maccho" PV. However, he refused to bare in mind the following things:

Gyaruru is not H!P
The only lyrics that could be found were romaji
No one would probably be interested

Sure enough, there were only a few replies and no one was interested. Because we didn't want this to end up like jphip fansubs, SacredCultivator (the guy who runs Hello!Fansubs basically) made the decision that it would be best if that project was dropped.

Bare in mind fazeshot is the one who paid for the domain and supposedly started H!F (this should have nothing to do with it, but read on.)

Fazeshot goes basically apeshit with his first post (click here for a screenshot)

Seems like an elitist and stupid "rule" you have going there but sure w/e you lack interest in the project because it lacks "H!P fanboys rejoice here" stamp on it.. i understand... regardless of it being stamped with H!P or not its still in affiliation in my eyes but w/e I'm just the one who payed outta my pocket for the domain name and whatnot as well as sparked the interest in what is now H!F I have no say though none... I might as well just demote myself to Group: Noob, But Oh well thats how it's been since the beginning even when I was active. Honestly I just gave up because you always wanted to run the show so run it man I don't give a shit hence why I don't bother to go outta my way to help you guys with releases. You just pushed me outta the way and basically say "This is sacred's H!F" when I was the one who started the damn thing and was the one you talked to when we decided structure of the thing and you were assigned co-leader until you just totally tried to take over and make this yours... That's why I make no effort to help because I feel like u did nothing but shove me of my position which has always annoyed me and haku very much shit, when I was still active u denied haku a chance to help encode when he was one of the founding members BEFORE you!.

Oh yah and don't delete my post because i'm not in the mood to be "pushed aside" again.

So w/e call the shots big shot

(editor's note: this post was added in 10 minutes after the rest) Look sacred your a cool guy and all but i'm sorry I just had to tell my whole stance on the thing that I've thought for a while and kept under wraps for a long time.. yes I know u are the one who recruited a shitload of members and whatnot but still I should still have a majority say in things and not just be shrugged off as something less than a member

This was my pissed off response, which caused both SacredCultivator and I to be banned (click here for a screenshot)

[edit] Bare in mind this post was made before your little last line edit.

Sounds like a lot of pent up anger. Let me just say before I begin to write my response that I will always support SC and his decisions with H!F because he's definitely the one who does mostly everything around here. Now let me respond to each point.

The group is called HELLO!Fansubs if you haven't noticed. That tends to mean that everyone in here is interested in subbing Hello!Project. No one was even interested in the project and we understand that you'd like to suggest it but unless you're going to be doing most of the work yourself, you can't expect everyone to immediately want to jump on it just because you have "LOL POWERS" or "LOL AUTHORITY" or "LOL LEADER". This is a group effort and you don't really seem to realize that.

You paid out of your pocket? What, $20? We're very thankful and all but paying a couple bucks for a domain name and webhost does not give you supreme authority or rule, bud. I could just as easily have done the exact same thing for H!F and even offered to do so WITHOUT expecting anything like authority in return (or "This is awesome! You guys should totally bow to my will because, you know, I spent IN REAL LIFE MONIES"). You aren't doing ANYTHING with the domain and I've been doing most of the web maintenance. Bare in mind that it would be just as easy for us to buy another name and for me to set it up, because I'm sorry but I'm a hell of a lot more dedicated to web maintenance than you seem to be.

As for sparking the interest in H!F, 1) I don't really think there's a lot of "interest", no more than my own personal subs (only a few people have joined) and 2) if anything sparked any interest it's the releases themselves, not your "hard work" in "promoting" H!F.

What the fuck have you done around here? Timed once or twice? SacredCultivator has been putting so much of his free time and effort into making sure this doesn't end up dead like jphip fansubs. You don't give him ANY respect WHATSOEVER even though he tries his best to make this the best damn fansubs group out there. He always tries to be nice and make well informed decisions and you barge into this place as if you are some sort of fucking big shit because you happened to have a few extra bucks to dish out on an (unneeded) domain.

You don't bother to go out of your way because you DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HELLO!FANSUBS. Starting it means nothing if you don't continue through with what you have started. I don't see you leading the pack or even attempting to, I don't see you doing research about what kind of projects to start up (this was a hopeless one to begin with because there were no lyrics anywhere and it wasn't even H!P), and I sure as hell don't see you donating the kind of (PRICELESS) time that SC does around here. You're rarely online according to him and only show up when you want something for you.

Lol, wanna know something funny? We don't need you, fazeshot.. because no matter under what name, there will always be translators, timers, encoders, and etc that will see through your falsity and create a new group with us. If we did create a new group, the only thing that would change is the name because you sure as hell haven't been doing anything around here.

Using your so called "leet owner powers" only makes you look like an asshole. I had no opinion of you before this post, but as I'm sure the other members can see, you truly are the definition of "inflated self importance".

This is SacredCultivator's response, still being nice for some reason (click here for a screenshot)

Nah I am not going to delete your post.. I am going to leave it and have other members comment upon it...

And I will be nice about this...

First off, YES you did start up the Idea of the Group, I will give you that. Yes you did pay for a domain or whatnot BUT you have to keep in mind about this... I was quite against it in the first place... As I didn't want ANY money invested into this Group which is why if I am not mistaken had a FREE forum which WORKED for us... No members had complaints about it... Take careful note.. After we made the move.. what happened? Bam members didn't even sign up (We have a few refusing to re-register on here, and I try to keep in touch with them via messenger)... No I am not saying it is necessarily your fault for this, as you were doing what is best for the group.. but again I warned and said 'moving' can lead to problems and provided JPHIP as the best example.. and even now we are trying to resurrect it...

Go out of your way... hmmm.. yes int he beginning you two were active... And for Encoding... yes Haku offered to help as Encoder, but I subbed in because I have already had experience and if I am not mistaken Haku pointed out that he was still learning... In the end I am Global Encoder and we have had no problems thus far, I mean Sukebei is Global Encoder as well for H264/ projects he solo's on... No I am not necessarily pushing you the Founder and Haku aside... You gave up far too early... As I will say, you didn't really comment upon projects that were brought up, only one is the Reina DVD, which we are still working on as I got a new translator to help work on it. After that Project, you fell silent... And I DID contact you MANY times and you just never responded.. and when you did.. you still put the work aside...

Ex.
-Asked you to become affiliates with another Forum (You said I'll let the webmaster know...) Emmm yeah.. still don't see that site on the FrontPage so I kindly asked Amber to do so and she did so immediately (On another Front Page though, as it seems there are some problems with ours that whens he updates it is all screwy, and she doesn't want to go through the trouble to mess with it){You can ask Amber about this as yeah she offered to help out updating the frontpage as you said you would but didn't really and I gave about a week}

Also... I really hate to bring this one out on ya, but since you took this to that level.. You and Haku wanted to start up H!A... And you two were quite into it.. but seems you had trouble getting members right? Yeah this is where i was gonna say how I brought in most of the Members into the group, but read your edit, so I respect that in you.

But yeah I honestly didn't mean to 'shove' you aside... But the intention of this group was Hello!Mornings right? Hence the Hello!Fansubs.. So I felt it would only make sense to do H!F related Media, it isn't an 'elitist' move.. it makes logical sense... And seeing as to how even though Tsunku is the only affiliation between H!P/Gyaruru, I still feel that it is it's own thing... I still respect you for bringing up such a magnificent idea even though it took a turn and did other things apart from H!M's but have to realize the Translators come and go and sometimes they have their mind set on other thigns than H!M's and I have to respect that as they are the Translator and as I have various experience with other groups (Anime doesn't count in this sense as I think they do things much differently than live drama's/ whatnot) so I sort of have an understanding as to how crucial Translators are to groups so I give them as much 'lax' time as possible so they are not pressured in anyway.. Although I do feel sad that I pressured poor aimaime into doing Reina's DVD at a higher priority than his other project >< (Sorries aimaime).

And because of this I don't want you to just completely obliterate this forums or whatnot... So hope we can get in good terms in one way or another... As you know I don't mean to be all 'self-ish' or whatnot, but if I am a 'role-model' for others, and things aren't looking so great, I have to step up and put things in order, so I hope you can understand and respect where i am coming at.

My response and then SacredCultivator's response (keep in mind a lot of stuff has been going on in AIM like fazeshot calling me slut and bitch, which I am not pasting here due to SC's privacy) (click here for a screenshot)

i'm leaving
i don't enjoy being under the "rule" of someone like that
enjoy your aids, fazeshot, you immature fuck (banning SC and I? calling me names to SC over AIM? haha what is this, first grade?)

SacredCultivator's response

Mehs... Amber.... =`( bleh... you know how I feel about this so yeah... arge... so sorries about things... I should've figured something so great takes a fall when it climaxes... I'll miss you... although I'll still be working with ya over at jphip.. but still... things definitely won't be the same and I already told you the reason haha... Mehs..

@faze: Dont' get angry from Ambers comment.. as I told you I respect her that she is blunt the way she is... As it allows one to repair things just like how she came up to me about one of our members and their choice of colors to use, I took care of it instantly and things were solved... Again I really hope you understand the conversation we had via AIM....

Fazeshot showing his maturity, bare in mind I was never "DDoS"ed at all, and later he calls me a "geek" for having protection against it (click here for a screenshot)

You guys are cliquey sp? don't let me intrude on your little "in" crowd lol it seems like u guys are the ones on power trips seeing as U all think what u say goes and thats that.

P.S. amber enjoy the DDOS attacks you pissed off my webmaster so yah... have fun having random ping spikes for a while.. nothing I can do to stop him from that.

SacredCultivator's response (click here for a screenshot)

@faze: Emm we are close as we work together in another group + co-op projects... So yeah... which is why I am able to get along with her.. cause if you can't get along with her.. you are sort of screwed, as you can see from her message...

@Other Staff: Blah.. have fun reading what just erupted... Sorries, my fault for not realizing and confronting faze to sort things out before they got up to the climax...

Fazeshot once again showing his maturity

Oh she impresses me so much believe me actually she sounds like a geek bitch that needs some dickin'

Then he calls me a hypocrite for calling him a dumbfuck (which is not a name so much as it is the truth), and bans me from the forum (click here for a screenshot). My response to this is (click here for a screenshot)

that's okay, 'cause you know, banning me always gets rid of your problem and the counterargument.
at least i say this stuff to your FACE, not behind your back to SacredCultivator.
grow some balls, will you.

Then SacredCultivator makes the extremely mature and wise decision (with encouragement from Sukebei) to move back to the other forums and cut all ties with fazeshot and haku (click here for a screenshot)

Dear Staff,

In regards to the recent event that has occurred, Read Here, I along with a few other members feel it best if we just revert back to the Old Forums which is located Here.

I must apologize in advance for this Constant Moving back/forth... But it didn't occur to me that such an event would take place... So I think it best if we return to the old forums where we were accustomed to.

Although faze had great intentions for the Group in moving, it seemed that move hindered our group a little... And in the case of the recent event a dear member of ours has departed >< and she was quite an essential member to use, agrayrainbow shall be missed =`(

So what does this Move back mean? As some of you might not have realized, fazeshot/haku have been the Original Founders of what is now H!F. But due to how things went they both sort of were 'shielded-off' {I can't be held responsible for that due to the fat I am not a mind reader, so I don't know what is going on unless I am confronted, as in the case with agrayrinbow/gto, which was sorted out immediately when I heard word of it} Apart from that faze/haku took their 'leave' and when trying to contact faze for assistance, he acknowledges it but doesn't do so... It is his way of 'payback, ignoring'... I will not be cruel and post up our conversation we had via AIM, as I am sure you can all get the gist of things from the Thread I referred to in the beginning... The log between faze and I was only shared to 2 close Staff Members that I wanted to get their honest opinion as to what I should do. As those 1 was with me since the start and the other was slightly new but I trust that person.

In the end I feel it is best to go back to the 'past' but this time... Sadly.. I will have to relinquish both faze/haku from the group, as I don't want faze shedding $20 a month for the Server we are using when it wasn't necessary, and don't want them to feel like I am not acknowledging them as they won't be part of H!F anymore so they don't have that strain on them...

PS:
For those that are like WTF and all after the thread referred, and feel you might need to read the Conversation we had, do PM/email/IM me and I will show you...

So in light of these events I understand if the moving is a hassle and if you'd like to continue helping us our at H!F do make the switch on back, and if you just can't handle the mess and feel it best to leave I fully understand and thank you for your assistance in H!F.

I will now be active over at the Old Forums, so any Posts in regards to Projects can be made There, and any replies outside of Projects can still be made here if wanted. As i have already transferred most of which I think is now up-to-date at the old forums.

For the new Members that joined exclusively to this site, please Register at the forums I linked to and I will have you upped to Staff. {I will Email you as well}
Members:
TheProteosAgna
aimaime

LOL UPDATE 1
Fazeshot continues the bullshit, screenshot here

First of the only thing I said to sacred was you act like a fool and a dumbass when I was explaining to him something else. Trust me I would have no problem "saying stuff to your face" its the internet you dumb cunt I know you mistake it for real life because your such a fuckin fat geeky loserbitch but its okay like I said you'll get cock someday.. Until then choke on your own vomit.

Anyway off to study because you know.. some of us people that exist outside the internet have something called a life and don't spend 99% of their time staring at a blank forum and making little pretty Fansubs. GJ you can make karaoke! *clap* wheres that gonna get you in life

OMG I FOUND A PICTURE OF AMBER! Click

I think SacredCultivator is annoyed of this too (screenshot here)

@Faze: Emmm just gonna make my point..

'hypocrite' called Amber one and... you just showed hypocrisies by saying 'GJ you can make karaoke! *clap* wheres that gonna get you in life' ehhh then wtf you arguing about being 'left-out'?

We all have a life... Without it.. you'd be dead.. come on common sense tells you that... Right? It just depends on how BUSY one's life is... And Being BUSY with Fansubbing is still a Life...

I don't know why you make things worse...

Ignore my own hypocrisies here but it is to just make my point as you don't realize it..

Okay.. as you said, 'Anyway off to study because you know.. some of us people that exist outside the internet have something called a life and don't spend 99% of their time staring at a blank forum and making little pretty Fansubs.'
Really? Then why did you shed the extra minutes of your 'life' finding Ambers picture?
Blank forum.. get real... In the beginning I already KNEW our forums wouldn't be active in terms of the Public, we use the forums to discuss projects not for the Public per say, although that is a plus.

And to end it all... Requoting you, 'GJ you can make karaoke! *clap* wheres that gonna get you in life', then why the f' did you create H!F? Please... just because you are out of H!F now.. you show this side of yourself to make yourself look that much worse... And ouch.. How dare you say that about Fansubbing, alright now go to some well known Groups that sub and say that to them... I can just about Guarantee you that most of those Fansubbers have a much busier life than yours and still get by with fansubbing.

Heck again... If you have such a 'great/busy life' outside of the internet.. why do you bother Replying back?

One can go on and on about this and in the end no matter which way anyone sees it... In terms of argument... you have lost...
^You can argue back and forth, but heck as the Members see it, you really lost....

As sad as I am to say all this... ouch... Just ouch at what you made of this...

EDIT:
Deleted her.. oh nice... can't handle her arguing with you huh? Ouch yet again ><

Deciding not to fuel the flame, though he's a lulzcow it's getting old and he's running out of lulz saying the same thing over and over again (screenshot here)

I already have a boyfriend, love. Googling "geeky fat girl" won't find my picture, btw. ;D

"your such a fuckin fat geeky loserbitch but its okay like I said you'll get cock someday.. Until then choke on your own vomit."

Keep making yourself look like a fool, I'll just keep screenshotting all of your dumbass posts.

My original post obviously hit way too close to home for you, so you, like the script kiddie you are, upon finding out that you couldn't "leet hax" me, you fell back to trolling. Horrible trolling at that, trolling is supposed to inspire hatred and anger in your subject, and it just inspires my pity for you. I really do feel sorry for you, Internet Tough Guy, but until you close down these forums I will continue to respond to you in a mature way-- something you obviously are incapable of.

Also, deleting me is not going to work... closing your ears and singing "LA LA LA" and looking the other way isn't exactly the mature way to handle things either.

And this is relevant so I figured I'd throw it at the end: an empty threat (nothing has happened) by Fazeshot through PM (click here for a screenshot)

Hey cunt touch the forums again and me and the webmaster can ddos ur net into submission

Sorry

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Sorry I haven't been updating a lot. It's mostly because I'm always talking about things that annoy me and never really talking about the good things in life. Since my life has been fairly good lately, I've had no reason to update. Heh.

I suppose that I should write an entry about the things that are going well in my life, or what has happened lately, hmm?

Amanda (who has actively been wishing her name was Aimee) has been staying at my house. She has her computer set up on my living room table, and all those wires have added to the clusterfuck which I'd like to call underneath my computer table. We have both our computers plugged in, so she enabled network sharing and took The Sims 2 (and all expansions) from my computer. It doesn't even work on mine.. so I uninstalled a few expansion packs and I hope that'll fix the problem, because I really wanna play.

Off of that topic, have you ever just stopped and realized, "wow, I might be going to spend the rest of my life with this person"? I mean, I've been dating the same person for at least 5 or 6 months, but this is just now setting in fully. It's not even a debate with myself, it's really what I think is going to happen. And even though my gramma keeps urgently encouraging me not to settle down young, she has to realize that I am not her. I think that's been a hard thing for her to realize, and she knows just as much as I do that I'm most likely going to marry young. Everyone is different (Amanda is a case in point, she doesn't even want to think about getting married until she gets out of the marines) but I know what I want to do as far as that goes.

Off topic: Does anyone have any really good computer games they could suggest? I'm bored.

From 150kb/s to 600kb/s by Friday

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I upgraded from 1.5mbps DSL to 6mbps DSL. I think it's gonna make a huge difference.

This will also mean I can upload 160kb/s, which will mean I'll be more inclined to upload when I can upload faster than I used to be able to download!

As for life, not much is going down. Dad and I have both agreed to start to try a little harder on the driving thing, and I'm going to go to a temp service to get a job after I have my GED. <3

I'm gonna go play a Harvest Moon that WON'T delete my game now-- Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life! Then again, it did mess up when I was playing this game before (had to send in my Gamecube.. but that's another story all together.)

lol wait wut

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

Last night I casually mentioned that it would be cool if I could have 600kb/s download instead of 150kb/s download, and showed dad the catalog. He said it would be okay, so I was really happy. But since it was like 3am, I went to bed, saying something like "we'll talk about it tomorrow".

Tomorrow is now, and this is what happened

me: Can I call those people now?
dad: How much did you say it was again?
me: $35.
dad: More?
me: No, the flat out price.
dad: Okay..
me: So I can call them?
dad: Sure. Wait, well is it going to cost me $50 later? Read the fine print, is this like a 3 month deal?
me: No.. they've had this plan for years.. it's not a trick.
dad: Okay whatever.
me: *Goes into bedroom, gets phone, dials*
dad: Didn't I just pay $200 to make that thing faster? [He's talking about the ram he bought LAST SUMMER + the hard drive he bought JANUARY 2005]
me: Uhh.. do you not want me to do this?
dad: This isn't the best time to ask me, Amber, I stayed up all night accidentally playing poker on the computer and now I have to go into work.
me: Well, whatever.. I'll do it tomorrow then..

WTF?!

"lol but leik u r so smrt."

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

My gramma called today saying something like..

"Your counselor called, she sounded like she was going to have a heart attack. She said you didn't answer the phone. I told her you decided to quit school, and she was devastated. She thinks you're too smart to quit school because you were taking college classes... she wants you to have a conference with her so that you guys can work something out. She said she can understand people who drop out because they're having trouble, but she can't understand why someone like you would drop out."

So, being smart means I can't quit? Apparently, if I were a dumbass, I could easily drop out but because I was getting all As and taking college classes that means I get harassed by the school. That pisses me off.. and made me make a suggestion to Amanda:

"I should've went back to school and started having "troubles". You know, like, writing DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU for essays, and refusing to do anything in gym. That might've been funny for the lulz."

She suggested that I go back and do just that, but I told her it was too late because that would mean I would have to start making up hours. Anyway, I've made up my mind.

Important

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I quit high school.. a lot of reasons, mainly being because I don't feel it's necessary if I don't plan to "shoot high" and go to college like most others. There's been a lot of drama about it but now my dad knows (he was really nice), my gramma knows (she was extremely mean and "disappointed"), assuming my mom will know soon, and my brother knows. Not to mention my friends of course.

It's kind of funny.. I just said in a passing way, "I'm thinking about quitting school." to a couple of my friends the day before I started going back. A conversation like this was held with someone I consider to be my "friend" sorta.

me: "I'm thinking about quitting high school."
him: "Why? You only have a year left."
me: "Lots of stress, I don't think I'm learning anything, waste of time. Not like you'd miss me anywho."
him: "Not really."
me: "Haha, didn't think so.."
him: "Well, if we never see you again, we know why."

I thought it was pretty humorous, this is the right way to be humorous. Telling me "well congrats on ALMOST finishing highschool!" in a joking yet condescending way is not the way to get on my high list (this quote from Steve, whom realized it upset me and apologized).

Anyway, I've stopped going. It feels great not to be dreading having to go back to school, it feels great to not have to do something (though dad says we need to definitely start learning how to drive so I can get my GED and get a job). I think this is the right decision at this point in my life.

A funny thing that happened today to get us off the subject-- Amanda and I went to Dairy Queen and we went to the window, annoyed that the lady was talking some other guy up instead of serving us.. until we listened to the conversation, in which we were trying not to laugh the whole time.

"Service" old lady: "Yeah, haha."
Weird guy: "It's so nice to just be able to talk to people here. In Boston, they either shun ya' or shoot ya'. Hahaha."
SOL: "Really?"
WG: "Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty intense. People around here are still getting used to it."

By now, I'm avoiding looking at Amanda or I'll burst out laughing, seeing that she is smirking and trying not to laugh. We avoid looking at each other before the creepy guy says his goodbye and leaves, and we order. As soon as we get back to the car with our stuff, we BURST OUT laughing, because it was just so weird and funny.

& I played Gears today.. it was actually an interesting and fun experience for once. Maybe I just needed a break from it for awhile. I promised Max I'd help him with Insane so that's my main to-do tomorrow. Yar. -yawns- SLEEP time for me~ No sleep for 24 hours gets to me~

(PS: I think "tired" does not cut it for the mood, just amplify that times over 9000)

SCHOOL DREAD! Hurray 8D

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 12:00:00 -0500

I really am dreading school even though I get back in later than everyone else.

I don't want to have to take gym.. I don't want to change clothes during the day. I'm extremely modest so I'll probably have to change in the bathroom stall.

Community service I'm not so worried about when I came up with the idea to get a job at Deer Forest and then work for no pay (for "community service" anyway).

I don't want to learn how to drive!

I don't want to talk to the counselor who's going to ask me why I haven't picked up the phone and why I didn't register for some stupid college class I didn't even want to join in the first place.

I don't want to have to fumble and find my way around the Vo-Tech center for the first week because I'm foolish.

Another school year over...

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 12:00:00 -0500

And yet another school year comes to an end this Thursday. It will be the end of my laziest and easiest year in school, and come next September it will be one of my most difficult. I hate change, and by this time next year, I will have to have..

a driver's license.
a job.
30 hours of community service logged.
gym class finished.
class dues paid.
gone to prom, maybe.
bought graduation things, including senior pictures.
gotten ready to get on my feet as an adult.

I had a talk with my dad today. He was wondering who I talked to on Xbox and on the computer so often, and when he found out that it wasn't Amanda he wondered how much they knew about me. But I'm going to be an adult soon. Anything can happen when I'm out on my own, and I don't intend to stay here much longer after I turn eighteen. He obviously wants me to stay a child forever, but soon I will have my own house and be self-supportive. After I mentioned this he said he would always be paranoid about me. I asked him why he wasn't paranoid about Steve and he said it was because Steve was a guy. That pissed me off. I can probably fend for myself better than Steve! He then said he knew there were freaks out there who pray on guys too, but he said he's just "worried about me".

It makes me think he doesn't trust me. I know what I'm doing and I'm mature enough to handle myself. I wish he would give me more credit, especially as I am going into adulthood and my senior year of high school.

Layout thievery

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 11:00:00 -0600

I was browsing for reference information on Wikipedia, and came upon an Aika Mitsui fansite. I was really excited, because I planned to make one myself but if someone had beat me to it I thought that was showing good initiative. So, imagine my surprise when the layout looked eerily familiar. I knew it was a free layout, and it only took me a few minutes to find where it had come from: dixy-pixy.org. Here is a preview of the original layout. Now, I know most design makers don’t allow people to edit their layout, but I had to make sure, especially since aikamitsui.free.fr lacked any credit for the original maker. Sure enough, this text is right from the layout’s preview:

"Please do not remove the credits. And please do not modify the image. Thank you."

The person from aikamitsui.free.fr poorly edited the image so that Aika Mitsui was the main feature.
Now it’s been a long time since I’ve actually caught anyone thieving layouts but it always makes me a little angry when I see it happening. People put a lot of hard work into their layouts and just ask for a little credit and respect not to edit their hard work. Seeing someone have the audacity to not only do one, but do both, is a little more than sickening. The worst part about it? The creator accepting compliments on the layout s/he didn’t even make. Blech.

my friends that you should stalk/watch on deviantart

Sun, 08 May 2005 12:00:00 -0500

Ethan/bloodfromst0ne: If you don't look at his work I'll bite your face off!
eshva: is relatively unknown, which isn't fair because she draws really well
nitachan: pretty boys everywhere
rei_0: rei is just too awesome for words, aren't'cha rei.
thundercake: Li and I have been friends for a few years and she has a really great style that makes anime look easy ^_^
iamfun: i'm not really sure who this is, but they definitely deserve more hits ;;
ola-s: This person is gonna be famous! Watch'm whil you can~

more added later, k?

Allison, Mikayla, and Steve

Thu, 06 Feb 2003 11:00:00 -0600

"Techno would keep me up all night and day cleaning." ~Allison

Yesterday evening steve's condition was so bad that he had to go to the hospital. We stayed there for so long that was too tired for school and dad didn't care.
Because he was at work when we took Steve to the hospital. His girlfriend (Allison, who we might be moving in with) brought us there. Us as in her 6 year old child Mikayla and Steve. Mikayla's the kewlest 6 year old lil girl I've ever seen!
WHoO HoO.
XP

Oh and P.S.~ I got a CrazyLife! I won't be using it (only to comment) but if you wanna check it out you can!

Work on needing.space

Blog Move

a lot happened

elias bday celebration

new volunteer position!!!

second day at job thoughts

first day working at the hospital

chaos

depression and isolation

another job offer (mental health tech)

I quit Dominos

new job, hopefully for more than 5 min

TMS is kicking my ass

mostly just tired​

why are steno machines like shiny pokemon

what do i really want

two interviews today

trying to figure my life out

the timing of opportunities

quit my job finally

i keep uncovering more fucking journal entries all over the internet

this journal

its lonely

extrovert's hell of my own making

Now Time To Be Nervous All Week

cutting my phone time down has been a godsend

already feels weird w/o smartphone

sunday scaries plus couples

Life Is Too Short To Stress Over Stupid Work

Things Are Very Stressful Lately

why am i such a coward

Worst Day Back Is The First One

life seems so useless right now

upset about work but not showing it

Work Is Being So Dumb

ahhh

i'm so exhausteddd

depression

work

sleep

finances

therapy

worrrkrkkk

i can't remember shit

I'm only writing this to check off the Habitica task

ughhhhh

it's been a while

so much busy

house loan restrictions

everything is busy and i'm tired

house update

work

physical health

misc

lots of updates!!

house hunting update!

blahhhhh

HOA drama

good lord

we will get our ipad tomorrow

kurtis was really funny except for dean

Needed A Self-Care Day

sad steve canceled his visit

No Adopting, We'll See

journaled for 30 days in a row

lazy as shit at work

just want the weekend to come already

angry at everything what's new

fewer nightmares and way fewer mistakes

Stupid July 4th And Stupid Fireworks

gave myself the 300 lashes

very sleepy sunday

getting used to this new found energy

i can journal however i like

work was productive today

more trotting was kind of scary

want to keep being lazy forever

Couldn't Be Happier Or Prouder

life keeps going

got a raise at work

mostly just tired