needing.space

went out for sushi which was good, came home & maru broke my damn paper towel holder which piss me off.

i was pettin him tellin him he owe me $50 n dom said he makes it up by catchin bugs.

tell me why i just be standin in the kitchen n he bats a huge ass cockroach onto my foot?? im like bro take that nasty shit elsewhere. so, i guess he earnin back our paper towel holder money hahaha!!

honestly nothin happened today and am just writin to maintain habit. went to grocery store, had a nice bonfire on what is prolly the last decent temp day before we get into satans asshole. managed to stay awake all day without a nap so thats a win. i really dont wanna go back to work tomorrow but who does??? what do lyn call them, the “sunday scaries”? yea i got those plus we got couples tmrw, and therapy is never fun. At least it prolly aint me who gotta go.

no one can make me sleep ima procrastinate forever

lately i been thinkin a lot about death + suicide. i wonder if it would be better if i was dead. it would be less exhaustin for sure. alot of days lately it dont feel like its worth the fight. the fatigue is just so fukin bad.

i read online that death can be peaceful. people who have near death experiences, dont want to wake up. like, death is like wakin up from a long dream… well, we will experience it one day. maybe im scared of sufferin before death. that lack of control… i can see why euthanasia is a mercy for some people. but for someone who is just lost + tired of life? maybe not… i dunno. it’s weird to think about.

i think maybe its just cuz of being the emotions releaser, but i feel like i personally always get affected by our dreams the most. i am tired of the dream where we find our old stuff that we lost over the years. that shit is gone and it aint coming back. but for some reason tryin to come to terms with that is too hard.

we keep havin health issues an its mostly annoyin cuz its upsettin elias + them. actually dealin w them is what ever. i mean i guess we dont really care about ourselves anyway

work is basically hopeless at this point. we aint gettin no promotion or ever gettin new responsibilities cuz we were honest about wantin to move depts. thought we were doin the right thing wont make that mistake again.

life seems so useless right now. had a dream about jumpin off a building. it seemed so freeing….

Happy bday Toni!! :)

Today I was lazy as shit. barely did anything @ work and then did nothin after work. i don’t front much anymore so I try to enjoy it while I can… by not workin hahaha

anyways I should sleep. good night

i ain’t got no day to day shit to talk about. grandma has been on our mind lately. we can’t stop thinking an dreaming about her… we keep thinking about all the good + bad. last night she came to me in a dream. i asked her if she was alive an for the first time she said, “no i am in your dream. but i’am always with you. + proud of you.”

i stared into the cabinet for a good half hour today. my thoughts started to go to the mother. i still cant figure out why we are so desperate for her validation. thats been on my mind a lot lately. feels like we did something wrong, to deserve the way she acted towards us? i know thats not right but it feels that way, especially lately.

everytime i think we prolly pushed her away it makes me overly emotional. i know rationally that wasnt the case but…

still feels like it.

we keep having these weird vivid dreams. where the emotion is so raw, it feels like being in the bathtub trying to clean the impurity off, and crying, because nothing works that raw pure sadness without any control.

things have been triggering us lately, just the other day someone at work made a joke about “fashion police” to us. i know they ain’t meant bad but that was a way the mother emotionally abused us…

feels like triggers are everywhere. we only feel safe at home. but avoiding triggers is like putting a bandaid on a wound. works temporarily but you can’t run away forever.

running away has all been we thinking about. whenever we get too close to friends we start reducing them to flaws to keep them away.

maybe we do the same with the mother? people aren’t 2d. life would be easier if they were - and less interesting.

grateful we could refinance my credit cards.

decided to call today and get shit done

we also have our intro appt. with legacy comm health tomorrow.

everything lookin up

restless

hopefully not manic

today we finally got a full sized fridge. no more tiny fridge hell. true that it won’t be delivered until tomorrow

our first plan was to put it on credit, a brand new one for $800. then i found a really cheap working one that delivers for $350 - $80 for delivery. so we were able to avoid putting it on credit which is badass.

not much else happened today. filled meds. looking into getting a new psych/gp. you know the usual “adult” boring shit

that’s about it

today’s grateful:

• fridge
• car is still running
• doing well at work
• weight stabilized
• routine is going well
• prolly others i ain’t remember

grateful: working car, easy job, loving partner

today i woke up. work was fine. goin to draw for secret santa tomorrow. the most enjoyable thing about work is having friends there. even tho hannah has all but fallen out

went back to the gym today did the eliptical for 30 min + had a massage after. shit was good.

appetite continues to be a problem. always full.

we need to start eating more but its just so hard. we cant even weigh ourselves or track calories without triggerin ourselves. all it would say is too much weight loss + not enough food.

weird ass problem to have. well figure it out.

this week was kinda average. gettin to know lea more which is nice. seems like a nice person.

gonna move all the shit around cuz we got furniture from the family. hirin movers so we dont gotta move the couch ourselves. aint sure what we gonna do bout the old couch.

i know elias + them feel bad about the move. just wish i could do more to help.

anyways can’t think of anything else

today we went to see game night but ended up seein black panther instead cuz game night was messed up. it was good anyways.

aint wantin to go back to work cuz had a 3 day weekend but whatever. we will figure it out when we fukin get back

hit 191 for our weight + hopefully that shit will fukin have us satisfied for a few weeks. hopin to be around ~187 by the end of march

we tried the rowing machine and we are gonna try to incorporate that one more cuz its fun. more fun then the elliptical.

we bought new workout clothes + we are fukin size medium suck that universe

Dear diary

Hi I am pretty shitfaced how are you? I hope you’re doin pretty good too. Yr great

review delayed ‘til next week. raise heavily implied. feelin less anxious bout it now.

don’t want to talk about nothin else. feel like shit. what’s new.

i aint knowin what to write in this fukin thing but i know we are tryna get in the habit a writin almost fuked up my style gotta stay cool n hip

this is stupid to got to write in here when i aint know what to write hahaha

sorry i guess i got a one track mind especially at the moment cuz i got some fuker tryna play grab ass while i’m tryna get my thoughts down here

ok maybe not i can write again or

aight i gotta write quick but i dont know what to write

ok i wrote some thing

no one cares

host didn’t kill us thank god.

aint really much to say outside of that.

shit is tiring and i’m tired. i haven’t slept in a minute

rescheduled therapy for next monday.

dad got $0.75 an hour raise so i got a huge steak

fixin external shit.

spouse issues have been resolved or at least brought up to them.

hey yall, been awhile since i got a chance to update this thing. only really doing it now cuz i dont got nothing else to do and shit needs to be said.

therapy went fine just basic questions tho i got the feeling shit is gonna get real ugly real fast.

spouse has new job so money should be less tight…

system wise shit is hitting the fan faster than a frog on a log or some shit. gatekeeper dealing with new memories + all of us are having a hard time adjusting still.

anyways i got a new watch. the fucker is pink unfortunately but i’ll live. it tells the time so it’s not like i can ask for much more.

got to get used to “releasing” destroying feels different now. not that i don’t still love it

later fuckers