needing.space

its been a while since we have updated

The june brain interviews went pretty well… an offer would be nice… but not counting on it…

for once… stasis seems ok too… been messing around with chatgpt… it was fun for like a week… but it gets old… once you see into its methods… and predictable… we had a few fun roleplays going on with it… but it broke immersion by saying weird things… can’t expect a machine to have much nuance i guess… ? maybe we can try 4.5… ?

i feel like we are becoming so isolated… don’t know what to do… ugh… are we isolating ourselves? or is it just the natural consequence of being the only one to reach out… and then no one ever checks on us… ?

its lonely…

can i just say that pandora’s box should just stay shut for some stuff i accidentally found some really old text files i guess better me than any one else still feels bad though im glad i got to delete some not all some just aren’t mine to delete got rid of the worst of them though

barweer sets came today finally got to start the cruise ship talking to chatgpt a little helped me through working the weekend today im sure we will get bored of it relatively quickly though we always do with novelties like this

oh well

not much going on this weekend. yesterday we hung out together at walmart and had sushi in corsicana. today, just very sleepy. watched jerma, played video games. easy day.

i am super grateful for easy days like this. cortney sent some pics of soren from vacation. super cute. too cute.

tomorrow is mothers day which is always hard. just going to pretend i don’t know it’s that day. oh well.

today we had so much fun together. we drove from yosemite to bullhead city, arizona.

on the way, we hit red rock canyon in mohave, ca. no stamina to go walking so just a short walk, visited the visitor center, then drove around their campsite. it was truly beautiful. we accidentally got the wires mixed and you thought it was in las vegas though, so we purchased tickets for that accidentally haha i want to do that one next time though, it’s a driving one

rest of the time was driving my feet are killing me in these shoes, so stopped at target (ew) to get shoes especially since we wanted to go to the grand canyon tomorrow we decided when eating dinner @ the black bear that the grand canyon was too much for tomorrow it would make the drive 12+ hours. and that’s not even including the time at the canyon… maybe some other time…

you said, “its not going away” haha

always have such a good time with you… tomorrow we are just going to feed some animals and drive – tomorrow chilling

tomorrow we will also see the walter white grave, which is hilarious haha…

we had such a great time at the macabre market today… really enjoyed it…

then we went to the black bear cafe which was really good…

then we watched blackfish which showed how terrible seaworld is… i knew it was bad but didn’t know it was that bad…

then we watched the Date: 2011 c-ute and s/mileage concert… the set list was just “ok”… dawa is so good though…

that’s all…

i got @ the market:

• moon ring
• magical girl keychain
• new shirt

i am too drunk to write much… watched the Date: 2019 angerme nakanishi kana grad concert… oota haruka was in it which is weir… she was only there for like five minutes before she was suspended for leaking info-… poor girl… she deserved better…

umami fest tomorrow… looking forward to it…

so drunk haha… cant… had 32oz sushi and didn’t even finish it…

sleepy time xoxo

Saturday…

criminal minds finally finished… no clue what we are going to watch next… that was 15 seasons so we have been watching it for a while…

also didn’t take adderall today… so i slept most of the day… at least it felt good to sleep… haha…

glad it’s the weekend…

tomorrow is tool!! so excited. worth every penny even though i know we are struggling a bit for money. nothing a little crowd collect can’t solve…

too tired to write any else.

ps let this day forever be known as the day dr. evil attempted to eat an entire bag of bagels.

grateful for…

• concert
• today felt like a sunday
• easy job
• able to pay bills
• got debt consolidation

today i am grateful for toni having a backyard… i am also grateful for our new fridge…

today toni hurt her leg and was so dramatic about it… it was funny.

today we went to heb the first time since we got our fridge… it feels good to finally get fridge food… we got a big tub of ice cream haha… even with all we bought it barely fills it up…

at least the hello fresh should actually be able to fit in there now… it’s even bigger than the one in the apartment…

any way going back to work tomorrow… so i will get to see my friends… elias get might have a hard time because they are on prozac now - or i guess raven since she is the monday alter haha…

on friday they sent us home early because apple is trying to get its shit together

that day, we got called back about being accepted at tuckahoe

the next day we found out about stacey being terminal

too much going on right now… hard to actually think… that’s why i wanted to write… since it’s such a transition & worry period..

have not written in awhile; not sure what significant happened.

• next week is week long vacation
• Elias quit therapy
• furniture
• we got a haircut
• decided to try to maintain weight for awhile
• divorce happening - soonish??

that’s all i can think of right now - i’m tired so i don’t want to go into too much detail

we have so much in our lives to do

just looking forward to vacation, finally

so exhausted…

organize. organize memory

here - emotion there - separate,

then forget - try to

forget - hope you don’t

remember - no sleep

rest mechanical robot

everything is the exact

same as much as it is

different - trauma

the same feelings about

rollerskating in the basement

while its dark as having a

gum pointed in our face

no feelings no gathering

no judging

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Our good luck strikes again. after thinking about calling in today, we got to go home at noon because some guy broke our power. glad because we are going with florence + her family to the science museum tomorrow also taking phillip

The doctor upped our lexapro, to 1.5 dosage. we will probably fill the other one first though so we don’t waste a refill. we weren’t able to go get them refilled today because of the going home early

canceled USPS box + got a UPS one instead… can already see they are better suited to our needs

going to go shopping sunday to get stuff to put in our new instant pot… we have a serious surplus of money - which is making us not want to spend it… we need a new couch though but we also want a nintendo switch hahaha

Brief timeline of last months:

• august 2016 – Visit #1 with Elias, 3 weeks
• september 2016 –Kelci breakup
• october 2016 – end of oct is visit #2 w/Elias (lasted a month, into Nov)
• december 2016 – end of dec, moved in w/Elias
• january 2017 – move to TX - airbnb
• february 2017 – 2 weeks @ Elias’ parents, started working at VTG
• march 2017 – got our own apartment. car broke down
• april 2017 – today

i am not qualified to talk about the breakup or ramifications of it so i will talk about Date: 2017

we drove to texas on a wing and a prayer to stay in an airbnb. most of our savings went towards that. we pushed hard to find a job and a few days before we had to leave the airbnb we got hired at vacations to go… we had a job offer at another place that we turned down… first time ever turning down a job and even started at a place for medical transcription and only lasted a day

best salary to start so far - 30k

vtg is an amazing job… stressful at times… but by far the best we have ever had… we lived with the parents for a few weeks - our car couldn’t stand it and neither could we…our intuition was so strong that we moved to our new place on wednesday and our car broke down the next day…

things have been settling since then… the system has been freaking out because we all know we are finally “home”… and that stirs up emotions for everyone…

we are entering the best years of our lives… i can tell… and that is scary to some… persecutors especially…

i personally am excited and i know this is well deserved … and well earned … hard earned stability with blood, sweat, and tears…

= dates off note: =

• Date: 2016/1/2 = gatekeepers' anniversary
• Date: 2017/1/30 = hosts' anniversary
• Date: 2016/11/15 = gatekeepers' “technical” anniversary

there is too much else to write so i will let the others write more later

we are just focusing on getting our lives started… and sowing the fruits of so much labor