needing.space

I want my office to be the sanctuary. I know it can be. I just need to figure out what it needs. A couch? A lamp? Wall decorations? Something ???

Guess we have a new old journal… don’t know when I think Elias gave it to us.

I’m nervous to even be writing in here, but i guess that’s the only resort we have left.

Depression is super bad right now. not sure what to do. everything seems hopeless. I think our sickness and dizziness is being caused by keeping things inside. We have gone back to our old eating disorder ways - just can’t help it. I think it is that feeling of being trapped. and not in control of anything.

but the feeling that we should at least be able to control what goes in our body. Lyn kind of encourages it too, so we are trying not to talk to her about it. It’s so unhealthy … I wish we didn’t feel the need to do stuff like this. Better than dying, I guess.

today was pretty good!!

i slept a lot but was able to get well rested. thank god for the weekend.

now i just have to get up tomorrow for church (for phil), but it should be okay to still rest a lot.

i ♡ weekend

went to kurtis' show. it was really funny except for dean. he is such an unfunny asshole. like no one wants to hear your jokes about children’s genitalia and suicide. fucker.

other than that, the day was chill. Neecie is still being a dickhead to Elias but what’s new. i hate her so much and genuinely am glad she’s not my manager, really not looking forward to being promoted if we have her annoying ass to deal with.

at least its the weekend…

today was pretty boring. we finished breaking bad which was great, but now we are bored because there’s nothing else to do. we will start better call saul soon, after we watch the brba movie which i haven’t seen yet. i hope it closes out jesse’s story more than brba did. i know the show was more about walt, but i still cared about jesse too.

the next few days will be weird for our routine. we aren’t doing horses this week on Thursday and Friday night we are going to Kurtis' show. so it will be weird.

neway good night

Can’t really write, i’m feeling super sick but i need to write something to keep up the routine

almost done w/ BrBa. excited to finish. Stayed up late tonight to watch extra episodes.

i think i’m sick because i didn’t feel hungry so i forgot to eat and then i ate but felt sick from it.

ugh i hope it goes away soon.

I started to read the total money makeover because I realized you can rent audiobooks from the library. It’s good but the guy narrating it (probably the author) is kind of a jerk? he yells a lot lmao. also, I found a bunch more books i want to try.

but in the spirit of getting my finances on track, i finally did my budget after ignoring it for months and whew… i should not have ignored it. gotta get my shit together.

at least i’m mostly out of the woods thankfully.

my friend Courtney introduced me to Be:First today. Either I won’t care or i’ll get sucked up instantly, there’s no in between… haha.

Nothing else to say except Wal Mart forgot like $50 worth of groceries so there’s that. the bastards…

Went to the cat cafe today. It was fun but thankfully none of the cats grew on me enough that I would want to adopt them.

Tomorrow, we will be seeing Florence for the first time in a few years to do her painting class. It should be fun. The only thing I’m sad about is that it’s on a Sunday night which is seriously unfortunate timing for anyone who works a 9 to 5 like we do. Still, it will be nice to see her again.

Mike died on Breaking Bad tonight ☹️ Goddamn you Walt, you fucker. He was one of the best characters. At least we get to see more of him in Better Call Saul.

kind of too tired to write much. today was fine except for when i got dizzy + shaky + migraine from forgetting to eat.

gabby announced she’s quitting which sucks nuts for me, but i’m happy for her. just worried the next person is going to be micro managing + i don’t like that. anna said she’s going to let herself be fired but i think she’s just being over dramatic as usual.

apple pen came today + i can’t even use it until the ipad comes in next week :( i want an ipad! it’s been forever since i used ios.. used to love my ipod touch.

nighty XOXO ps: cat cafe tomorrow ♡♡♡

i bought an ipad today, it should come in a week. i’m surprised apple gave me 1k worth of financing, but i appreciate it haha.

if i find a way to move this journal digitally, i might end up doing that. it would probably be more efficient than this. apparently this paper is 8X11 and the ipad is 10.2 inches so it won’t be much smaller than this notebook.

i am excited for it to arrive! i will mostly use it for planning. i won’t really notice it in my budget either because im about to pay off my phone which costs more or less the same.

i got 256gb to try and future-proof it. ipads can last years if you take care of them - it will have no resale value bc i engraved my name tho hahaha not that i ever sell my electronics anyway.

nothing bad going on except breaking bad is getting really good. i finally near the end of season 4 where gus gets killed. i don’t remember much about who is the antagonist in season 5 tho so it’s going to be news to me work is boring as always lots of trainings this week, but none tomorrow, just my meeting w/ gabby.

we set up a painting class with florence this weekend, so on top of the cat cafe, it’s going to be busy. im excited!

sad steve canceled his visit tho, sad that im the one who always has to make the effort. its bullshit. anyway tiktok time