needing.space

kind of too tired to write much. today was fine except for when i got dizzy + shaky + migraine from forgetting to eat.

gabby announced she’s quitting which sucks nuts for me, but i’m happy for her. just worried the next person is going to be micro managing + i don’t like that. anna said she’s going to let herself be fired but i think she’s just being over dramatic as usual.

apple pen came today + i can’t even use it until the ipad comes in next week :( i want an ipad! it’s been forever since i used ios.. used to love my ipod touch.

nighty XOXO ps: cat cafe tomorrow ♡♡♡

i bought an ipad today, it should come in a week. i’m surprised apple gave me 1k worth of financing, but i appreciate it haha.

if i find a way to move this journal digitally, i might end up doing that. it would probably be more efficient than this. apparently this paper is 8X11 and the ipad is 10.2 inches so it won’t be much smaller than this notebook.

i am excited for it to arrive! i will mostly use it for planning. i won’t really notice it in my budget either because im about to pay off my phone which costs more or less the same.

i got 256gb to try and future-proof it. ipads can last years if you take care of them - it will have no resale value bc i engraved my name tho hahaha not that i ever sell my electronics anyway.

nothing bad going on except breaking bad is getting really good. i finally near the end of season 4 where gus gets killed. i don’t remember much about who is the antagonist in season 5 tho so it’s going to be news to me work is boring as always lots of trainings this week, but none tomorrow, just my meeting w/ gabby.

we set up a painting class with florence this weekend, so on top of the cat cafe, it’s going to be busy. im excited!

sad steve canceled his visit tho, sad that im the one who always has to make the effort. its bullshit. anyway tiktok time

i want to buy a planner but i’m trying not to spend money. ugh i try so hard to be “good” and it still feels like i’m constantly broke, anyway so like who even cares?

i went to the horses today and that was fun. even though Lacey was busy so we had a different wrangler, who took us back 15 min early, like… that’s messed up man. we paid for an hour lesson, we already didn’t make you teach us anything, but ur still going to bring us back early… wow.

anyways it can’t be helped i have a dumb training tomorrow but at least Elias is in it too.

okay hand hurts so byeee

today was so dumb! the water thing outside broke so i tried to fix it and i got drenched! plus on top of that, we were playing isaac using a R-key seed and after an hour into the run i accidentally took another active item and it glitches out when it’s on two player and turns it into a different item! wtf… -_-

today has just been too stressful. i hope tomorrow is better. we have horses tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up!- except that it’s record highs and has been in the hundreds and is supposed to rain… uh oh

had a hell of a day. couldn’t sleep all last night and when i did sleep it was just trauma nightmares.

plus i screwed up @ work, i don’t even know why they keep me w/how much i screw up. i feel bad and especially embarrassed because it’s my boss that keeps catching it, like… ugh.

talking to Raven helped a lot though. she helped a lot today. she put away the groceries and took care of the animals while i took a nap. i don’t deserve to be treated so kindly, but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

here’s to hoping for fewer nightmares and way fewer mistakes @ work before they decide i’m totally useless…

today was pretty boring so not much to talk about here.. just took phil to church, played a little isaac, and slept. had a headache and migraine auras all day, so didn’t really feel like doing anything else but that. also got some starbucks while waiting for phil to get out and talked to dad a little bit

need to sleep now midnight

got paid so i got some fish from razzo’s. i don’t think i’ll be spending much money for the next couple of months though. managed to resist buying myself a planner, which was hard. but i really can’t be spending money right now. just hope i can keep up with my finances. gas is so expensive now, it’s crazy…

horses were kind of disappointing today because we had a different wrangler and i had to ride blue. we didn’t get to practice trotting because i didn’t feel comfortable doing so on him. the wrangler was nice, but i just really prefer to have some normalcy. idk if it’s my autism or what but when plans change, i can get kind of pissy.

i told Elias that if her owner keeps taking shaker, on Tuesdays, we should change our ride days to Thursday. he was reluctant to agree but realized he’d been pretty lucky to always ride Wilkie so he said it’s okay if we need to change.

and ugh, one-on-one w/ gabby tomorrow.. it’s usually fine and only takes five minutes but calls make me nervous. it’s a miracle i didn’t revolt w/ the daily morning meetings @ TLC.

okay hand hurts no more writing

lately i have been feeling restless and wanting to get more accomplished. i haven’t been able to start any of my hobbies back again for some reason.

still trying to get used to this new found energy. i guess.

i wish my sunburn would stop peeling too. and i’m not feeling well. tonight. feeling kind of sick? hard to describe.

i hope sleeping it off will work..

good night!!!

today i am so cold. i just got out of the shower oops (ah not this one too oh then it goes)

Amanda says i am journaling wrong but screw her bc Stephanie says i can journal however i like.

the irs still owes me money those bastards. sum bullshit!

tomorrow is friday. today i took it really easy today because there wasn’t much easy work. but i still hit my bare minimum. i might have to do that tomorrow too.

i finished a book about minimalism today. it was okay. kind of repetitive though.

anyway im tired zzz good night!

today was good. we went horse back riding and did more trotting it was kind of scary, but i think with more practice, i will be less scared. i was allowed to ride shaker even though her owner was there which was really nice of them, they definitely didn’t have to let me ride her.

um not much else went on today. it was a slow easy day at work so i’m thankful. i just hope gabby doesn’t get on me about only doing OCTS and segmentation. those are just the quick, easy ones to do. i’m too lazy to do the other ones haha.

still trying to recover from vacation so i’m easily distracted at work. my sunburn is also blistering and peeling like crazy. ugh… i’ll live though…

i don’t have anything to write about tonight. i don’t want to go back into work tomorrow, i am so lazy. i just want to keep being lazyyy

someone give me 10 million dollars so i can just be lazy forever please

i don’t even know why i feel this way cuz my job is super easy and i have nothing to complain about. lmao

at least i can keep listening to audiobooks while i’m working!

easy job zzzz i ♡ my life lmao

long time no write. i promised the therapist that i would journal so here it is. i don’t really ever know what to write about tho.

i ended up being hired @ merit as well. its pretty awesome

tonight i watched the Date: 2022 anju concert and it was really good.

um that’s all

It’s going to be hard, it looks like Elias may finally be getting laid off. I think it’s a blessing in disguise though. Welocalize has proven to be the shittiest little garbage company ever created. He already has a lot of promising interviews anyway.

Curious to see how it turns out. with how slow I am to update this thing, I’ll be Christmas and long past this dilemma so hopefully I can write an update.

My job is fine. I wish it was busier. But when it is busy, I get stressed out. I should just enjoy the “downtime” while its here i guess. I’m still going to ask tomorrow if Heather has anything she wants me to be doing. Since it seems like she kinda is my manager. I just wish it were clearer.

Who knows whats going to happen next. Life keeps going, and my life is pretty good right now. I just need to call dad at some point soon, I miss him…

Yesterday I got a raise @ work! That was nice. Last week, Phil and I went up to Fort Worth so that we could go to the potluck. It was fun.

This past weekend we decided to go no contact with the mother in law because she did something really horrible. I don’t like the way she has chosen to live her life. I think it’s pretty pathetic.

Today I had a really bad dr appt. It’s getting old to hear I’m fat. I know I am.

Anyway, that’s all.

tomorrow is the last day @ welocalize and it’s so weird?? they offered me a position on the financial team, but i’ve had a few interviews with better fits. i had already “accepted” the position with welo and it feels kind of bad to renege but it’s my life and i need to do my best for myself. not for anyone else, especially a company that treats their employees as disposable

still, it’s weird… we have been with welo for 2 years now, so quitting seems strange. it’s the same amount of time we were @ vtg, but vtg feels longer? maybe because we switched positions but it might also have been the general hectic atmosphere of Date: 2019+Date: 2020

anyway, it’s the end of an era. honestly fuck welo as a company and fuck anyone high enough in the food chain that they enable the bullshit.

(once again too lazy to get up and get stickers)

this last week was absolute chaos. between trauma dates, super busy work and the winter storm it snowed a lot for texas and everyone’s power had gone out.

on the bright side, i got paid on friday and i started a latch hook. it’s a rainbow latchhook. i hope i can finish it within the next few weeks.

i am going to have an interview next wednesday for a jewelry place and i had one last week for a freelance health care position. i am just mad at localice for how terrible and busy this week has been.

hopefully we get a new better paying job sooner than later.

i’m going to bed now because my neck hurts. and i also can’t write much without my hand and arm hurting.

today it is Saturday. it is supposed to snow tomorrow. the low is 8°! can you believe it? it’s supposed to be texas…

tomorrow is valentines day! ♡ after that is… ☹

hey! long time no talk. the only real big change we have is, that we got our top surgery done! yay ♡

honestly the only reason i am picking this back up is so i have an excuse to use my stickers haha. and various other stationery.

today i’m having my follow up appt for top surgery. wish me luck!! ♡

I am trying to get over my anxiety of using stickers lol

I can’t believe we have had this stupid journal for five years.

This year we are making mac+cheese for the work potluck.

Missed yesterday oh well. Not my fault/problem. Today was a good day. I was super lazy at work today. It’s a Thursday so we are on the lazy side…

This weekend is tool & I am super excited!

I am also super tired. I don’t know how or why. I hope I can get into a new psych soon. I am figuring it out, but for now just sticking with Baylor, but with a different doctor. My current doctor sucks big old monkey nuts.

I am grateful that I am not in the spooky torture house :/ (ed note: I think talking about the McKenny house or whatever, probably watched a video about it)

Grateful:

• Got paid
• Can afford meds
• Found new doctor
• Job is easy
• Job pays living wage
• Today felt short
• Fridge!!!

Not gonna lie, there was a lot of negativity today that I could write about, but I would rather stay positive. what will I be for halloween….

I am happy because of the prospect of a new doctor, I want to go to the clinic that has many doctors all in one. That would be more convenient.

Also I found a place where I can finance a fridge so I am super happy!! I already got approved and it is on sale because it has cosmetic damage. I am super happy that we will finally have a good fridge. We need it and have needed it for awhile now.

Okay we got home really late so I am going to sign off here so I can get to bed.

Overall, despite its obstacles today was a good day.

PS Elias got back on meds so he should be feeling better soon! Yay :)

Elias got the job he wanted.

I am going to be stupidly cold to my doctor. I really rather dislike her now so I will just have very bare politeness.

This is what I get for actually trying to improve myself. Spit in the face.

I cant wait to die tbh. Maybe in a few years when I get my debt paid off?

So sick & tired of myself, like, stupid bitch, do you ever stop & think about anyone but yourself? And you have the nerve to wonder why no one wants to be around you? Maybe its because yours a stupid selfish fucking bratty bitch? Ever think about that?

God I am so disgusted and disgusting lmao!! The day that I finally get the courage to off myself is the day that all of humanity recovers from whatever bullshit my life has put them through.

Really, I am really sorry that I’m so selfish that I continue to live. I know the world would be so much better off without me & there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not fully aware of that.

I’m just really sorry that I haven’t had the courage to kill myself properly yet. I will do it soon, I promise. My tolerance for the pain is going away, so …

I’m sorry.