needing.space

I am my alters.

Why do I pretend?

I have no trauma.

Richard is me.

Anastasia is me.

They are all just me.

Delusional bitch.

Mom was right.

Unloveable.

• 10% raise @ my job yay!
• someone merged into me and scratched my car, boo
• down to 195/broke plateau yay!
• work party was talking about spanking and turned into group therapy, boo!

anyway, i have been super consistent w/ working out + i think i deserve a damn medal. i’ve been super consistent about journaling too actually. in fact i have been getting into a routine which feels as awesome as it does weird! it helps so much & i actually feel like my life is finally getting stable which is awesome & scary lol

Anyway! Bedtime

today sure was a day. tons of good news, tons of stress. found out that elias' family is moving which is stress, but got a 10% raise which is good. enclosing the review papers.

i stress ate like an entire small dominos' pizza and still only ended up 600 over and still under my tdee plus i undereate yesterday so its fine. mostly just frustrating to think my emotional eating isn’t over yet. thought i was done with that.

anyway ttyl

Size fucking 12!!!

Don’t look now but I am in a size 12! And I bought underwear at a large and its a little too big for me!!

I’m a “medium” in underwear? What the hell??

The scale told me 198.0 this morning but judging from my waist size most of that is water weight (probably retained from exercise)

Size 12 tho?!! I’m back into normal jeans and I don’t feel weird about it?!

I need to tell the world, I am so excited.

Plus, I should be back in the 180s by the end of March!

Holy cow I’m happy!

my back hurts. apparently we are starting this crazy strict workout plan, now that we are settled in. it’s probably a good thing to have something to focus our energy on.

We are going to have our yearly review in a few days, just wish we could get that over with lmao. nothing like being anxious for two months for essentially no reason.

honestly, i’m surprised we have kept up this journal streak for this long. Maybe we are becoming creatures of habit? lmao yeah right.

Also we made up w/ Katie but we are still feeling wary around her. Will probly take a minute to calm down.

Guess who is not reading that previous page? This guy

I accidentally took a day off today bc I was supposed to work 7-3 but I slept in until 8 anyway but its probably good bc I havent had a day off in months

called in sick and Jessica let me use vacation day without any issues

I’m overwhelmed with the possibility of things I could do today. I’ll probably just take a nap. That might be a waste tho???

anyway I fulfilled the required journal entry of the day

BTW I’m going to the doctor today to get my Lexapro dosage higher. It’s working but not as well as it could be in my opinion.

honestly i feel disgusting. im tired of my life being ruined. im completely fucking done with this i swear to god.

i just want to die, i don’t want to go on like this any longer. i just want to put a bullet thru my head or something because this is getting to be too much for me.

there is nothing more disorienting than coming back and the kid was talking to one of my friends for two fucking hours and the little mermaid is playing.

out of everything that’s happened thus far, somehow this is the most disorienting yet. i don’t know why. maybe because i’ve spent most of my life avoiding childish shit only to constantly have it shoved in my face now.

hoodoo put a disgusting picture of me on the fridge, good. hopefully it will keep us from indulging and we can finally lose some weight, especially before elias’ visit…

he shouldn’t have to see me like this.

i want to die. fuck.

god i am tired of being tired which probably seems like a paradox. strange that i’m back around more and more often. guess things are settling down.

i could complain about a million things, but honestly i don’t even have the energy to do so.

since i have been gone for a month, everything has changed. and as usual, i just get really truncated versions of what happened and trying to dig up memories is working about as well as it ever does.

hoodos has a job interview tomorrow which is exciting. maybe i’ll get to celebrate with them at some point if i’m around in a timely manner.

will have to choose a present for elias + that’s about it i’m guessing considering our finances…

i don’t feel like i have an identity anymore.

going to bed- have been up around 2 hrs. pathetic

3 WORDS: I need glasses.

I’m far sighted

I got leopard glasses.