yesterday I didn’t write, but there wasn’t much to write to be honest with you. i worked, then i slept for like 16 hours. i should have just done the same today. feeling so heavily suicidal. like, i need to get back on my anxiety but the fact that i had such a withdrawal during vacation is scary. i don’t want to deal with that. but without any antidepressant i feel like i am so depressed that i might start self harming. and there is also the fact that i don’t really trust Maria, so i can’t even talk to her about anything. this sucks. it feels like everyone would be better off if i just died. i hate it. well, whatever… its whatever. hopefully i can go back to eating soon. i didn’t eat today. my eating disorder is acting up too much. will i ever be okay?

I am working on digitizing all of these entries

i turned on web crawling so hopefully the wayback machine keeps it but i am also going to try to keep backups myself.

it has entries all the way back from 2002 crazily enough. i managed to dig up so much. even with that gap of 3 years back on this journal, i was able to fill in

makes sense already my hand is hurting from writing, its always been a lot easier to type anyway go check there for more entries! ♡

dunno if i will update this again. maybe? probably?? this journal is almost a decade old, so seems like a shame if we don’t, but oh well.

Long time no write. I dont want to shit up the other better journal with my bullshit.

but. it feels like something big (negative) is about to happen. its hard to explain. but if someone wants to hurt me, including myself, they should just do it. i’m such a coward. when will i ever get the courage to just end it all??

this is too painful to endure for much longer. i need to stop spending money, if im not going to be around much longer to enjoy it. just a waste. my entire life is a waste. such a disappointment

forgot to write for a few days, oh well. had therapy today or, Anastasia did. basically just sat, and talking about the mother and him. i think she keeps forgetting to reference this diary in therapy or whatever. fine by me, as all i do in here is wah wah anyway.

speaking of wah wah, im feeling so lonely lately. i wish there was something i could do about it. most of the time, it feels like genuinely, no one actually wants to be talking to me, or wants me around in general. its such a bummer to feel this way. its really no one’s fault, and actually, ive felt this way my entire life, so its not anything new.

i read some dumbass bullshit on the /r/did reddit that was surprisingly highly upvoted. some armchair psychologist talking about how its ‘bad’ for alters to strive to distinguish themselves because it “furthers dissociation”

just integration garbage as usual, but it honestly shocks me how much it was upvoted. guess there are a lot of dumbass systems out there. but then, i already knew that. i was hoping to maybe get a little socialization in on there, but i guess not

being in such an isolated job is starting to get to me, i think. we do have a class starting sooner than later that will help, but also it will be for so a lot of people, it will take a while for them to know enough to even communicate. i guess it’s better than nothing and it’s online, so if we make friends, we can contact them easier than driving all the way up to Dallas which will be nice.

me just in an extrovert’s hell of my own making, and i need to escape. that’s why if the team dynamics are even remotely more social at pinebrain, then i definitely am going to take the job offer among other reasons. i know it’s getting bad because i genuinely thought “maybe i should become a server at a restaurant” today. what the fuck? i feel like alarm bells should be ringing or something or maybe that is the alarm bell lmao.

anyway there’s so much to do, and so little time. every minute that passes, i feel like i am more aware of my mortality, and the pressure to do something productive or fulfilling. but then i end up in decision paralysis because time is so precious that nothing i want to do feels worthy. but im also acutely aware that nothing i do actually matters, “dust in the wind” style. i feel like im too young to be having a midlife crisis already but there we are.

let i read this back when im 50 and laugh because then ill have the wisdom that i actually am young now.

Things of note for today:

• Therapy went well
• Got an email back from Junebrain, a place we applied for a job. That almost never happens
• Elias finally scheduled your first ketamine therapy appt! June 3. Super exciting
• Actually had enough energy today to clean/organize bathroom, put up clothes, and build the two remaining shelves. Yay.
• Got in a cute new case for my TCL Flip 2
• Ate more of the delicious homemade lemon cheesecake ♡
• Cooked some random recipe I just made up (taco noodles) and it came out really good
• Overtime approved for 6 hr/wk again, and now we can work weekends! Yay again
• Way ahead of schedule on work.

Honestly, I think not really using my smartphone at the moment is making me more productive. Because what else am I going to do?? There’s no reddit doomscrolling crutch to pass the time. I think not being exposed to that constant negativity has been helping, too. I still use my phone to text at work more often than I would like, but I am working on breaking that habit as well.

Really the only thing I miss having access to more readily is discord, but maybe that is a blessing in disguise too. I am realizing how negative most of the people I am around are. idk if they are just negative bc thats how they view our relationship but tbh i am tired of being surrounded by 24/7 negativity from some people. add on reddit and its just a lot. So not having immediate access to that has been refreshing.

honestly this is the first time getting away from our phone has really “stuck”. I think it is partially because our therapists referred to us as someone who “doesnt really use a phone” and that really stuck. though honestly this point has taken several months to get to.

like, we started when we got our new razr, so about november Date: 2024? around black friday. so about a half a year of concerted effort and removing anything addictive, which for us, is games and reddit. games is so much easier now that we have the steam deck. and reddit is a pretty easy habit to break. i am a bit out of the loop on fandom stuff now, but it is worth it.

another huge advantage, i think i talked about before, is not having the ability to impulse purchase, or even window shop. anything i want to look up later gets thrown into the notes app of my flip phone, likely to stay in purgatory forever.

one thing that i will likely need is a dedicated gps though. or else i am gonna start getting lost so easy. a dedicated alarm clock would be nice too, but not nearly as important. Honestly, being able to cut my phone (and screen in general) time down has been a godsend. i mean shit, i probably wouldn’t even be writing this much if i knew i had a phone to be doomscrolling on, instead.

another big thing is that i notice i am sleeping better and having fewer nightmares. wtf?? so weird. maybe its because we arent meant to stare into a rectangle as bright as a billion suns right before we go to bed? plus, i dont wake up and immediately check work, while off the clock. mornings are much more peaceful.

i suspect i will start finding healthier ways to spend my time, instead of just sitting there bored. i want to get back to the gym soon. and now, im going to go read a book haha. maybe i am sleeping earlier and thats why i sleep better

• my new tcl flip came in, the sim card worked out of the box, no thanks to the support person trying to “help” me who was acting like it was her first day on the job. why are they so “hit or miss”?
• Already feels weird w/o smartphone, what do you mean I can’t just do whatever immediately
• Couples therapy yesterday was fine ig.
• Made an amazing cheesecake out of Cortney’s lemons yesterday. now soon to make baklava
• work drama happening which tbh isn’t even worth memorializing here lmao
• Perpetually sleepy, but sleep doctor hasn’t verified our insurance yet
• Danielle is so annoying w/ texting me @ 1am to ask work questions, happy to be switching numbers
• There are also trauma reasons for switching that i can’t be bothered to get into
• Life is chill for the moment at least for now

“Yosemite”

The mood this morning was kind of weird. We knew we wouldn’t be coming back to Cortney’s house, and that had some finality? to it. even though we decided we will come back every xmas. Still… Thankfully i remembered about the lemons. Cortney also gave us some of her honey. i want to make baklava when we get back. Seems fitting…

we left the house around 10 knowing full well we would be slower than them haha. we were going to stop @ target but there was a mixup, so we went to popeyes instead, and i paid $5 a gallon for gas for the first time in my life haha

The trip in was absolutely beautiful. we took 140 & they took 120, so, different routes. i am glad i have enough experience under my belt or else this drive would have been scary. the river was fun to drive next to. i eventually rolled down the window because i wanted to hear, but the scent was great too.

This is cortneys favorite place in CA & i can see why. They did lodges when they went in January. i think we came just at the right time to see the waterfalls though, which was what i was most worried about.

When we got there i promptly bought a water bottle that said yosemite and a hoodie so i could cosplay “generic guy visiting yosemite.” Then just went walking. saw so many cool things! lots of waterfalls. i loved the close view, the splash of the waterfall & being so close was special.

lots of walking. Soren climbed a rock with his dad, then his dad started panicking because he was losing grip, but it was only like 4 feet down?? so then obviously Soren started freaking out too. i just opened my arms and told him i would let him fall which calmed him down.

the last 20% or so of the hike dragged. i had fun talking w/ Cortney, BUT $10 Walmart shoes w/ virtually no padding aren’t ideal for hiking in Yosemite, so I was hurting a lot by the time we were done, which was like 4 hours later. But talking to Courtney that last bit helped.

Then food, only the store was open so grabbed some from there. I was having my little “heavy pain, overloaded, having autistic meltdown” moment so was being stubborn about eating, but i made myself eat. Which I am glad now I did, because we didn’t stop on the way back to the hotel for proper dinner, so just had granola.

When we ate at Yosemite a huge raven was hanging around, which made me super happy haha.

Lots of tears shed when leaving. I know we will see them again soon, but… ughhh. How can i go that long? I am going to do a weekly facetime or something. Ugh.

What a wonderful day. And now after an hour and a half of writing, my journal is up to date!!