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Transcribed 2025-04-29
(editor’s note: may be transcription errors with this, too lazy to read the whole thing.)
lmao its now Friday night
Sunday night - yelled and woke everyone up in my sleep 0/10
Monday - Equal parts great and awful. Hours in the back of Shane’s car while he is driving like a literal crazy person up winding hills is a no go. threw up in elias' hat & major fronted ugh. the day besides that was fun & got to see the ocean for the very first time! no whales though. we also went up to a food place on mountain (alice’s) I’m sure the food there was amazing, but we were too sick to get any. it was beautiful though, and nice that the kid got to front after years of not doing so, despite the triggers.
rest of the day was chill. decided that next day, we needed to rest, though. so soren + cortney + elias would go do stuff.
Tuesday. - blissful rest. soren + cortney + elias took public transit and hung out in the pier area.
me? I napped a lot, and had sushi alone at a place nearby. so, essentially heaven after the day prior. i went to pick you and the others up. the day was exhaust for soren though…
i think maybe this was the day we bought prints from cortney? this is the problem with waiting to update journal
really falling in love with the entire family despite making an ass out of myself. ugh. thankfully, cortney is the kindest person almost. i am surprised she has had the stamina right after surgery…
Wednesday - lyn’s day. Anastasia was fronting so some details are fuzzy. lyn’s place is really cool. she has a whiteboard where all of her furry friends have been drawing. and also seems to own everything that i do. well, some of them were reccomendations i gave her, but still…
we rode the train into san mateo to go to the lego store which was also hilariously close to roblox, considering she played hookie… and saw her coworker at the amazing mexican restaurant we visited. whoops
lego store was cool, we did pick-a-brick and bought a tiny suitcase to build, which seemed fitting. they gave me a tiny free chick to build, which i ended up gifting to soren. we hit nintendo, and i got some more stuff to build. then mexican, and off to japantown. it was so amazing to even be able to see her & talk to her while we were on public transit
Japantown was incredibly cool. didnt get to see BTSSB yet because we were tired after Kinokuniya & the stationery store though. This was by far the most personally expensive day of our vacation. i bought myself a few things, Soren a few, and you so much. I almost never get to go shopping without you around, so i kinda went crazy… lmao
i’m sure that if i lived this close to Kinokuniya of this size that i would be 1) even more fluent in Japanese than ever and 2) completely and utterly broke… lmao
um… well the uber back was utterly terrifying because the guy driving was both suicidal and homicidal. i mean, he almost ran over a dude in a wheelchair. of course major fronted again embarrassing as fuck for so many reasons. god. Lynn did a good job of handling it thankfully. Richard got us home
You had a chill day that day, thankfully… just went to the park to retrieve a pinecone Soren stashed? something like that. good times.
Thursday - had to wake up early to take Courtney to her doct appt. she is doing ok, but is having some afib problems. and the pacemaker is taking the wheel like 40% - 50% of the time, which is actually insane. we took Soren to the park in the meantime while she was at her appt. he continues to be the sweetest thing ever. plus i got to have fun too. some unimportant work drama had me annoyed for a while, but you convinced me it wasn’t important. thank you for that <3
then, beach time!!! so exciting! we went to Santa Cruz. beautiful area! great food too, i had a killer ahi tuna sandwich. we had a chance to talk and collectively agreed we want to move to cali. its too far away being in texas. also texas sucks. we will make moves toward there when we get back.
we went to the gift shop and let me tell you, everything being sea themed made it hard to not buy the entire shop. but just a few things, something for soren, then off to Seabright Beach.
my first proper time being at the ocean! my god, the peace i felt was so high. the sea breeze, the perfect coolness, the waves… i didn’t even want to nap.
i looked over at you and started crying watching you pick up shells. it’s a bit silly but i just love you that much…
then i went over and helped you w/ shells. no really cool ones. so many poor little jellies on the beach though…
we walked up and down the beach several times talking about life. even went to the little lighthouse. i feel like i could have walked there all day.
Started to get late though, so we drove back. ended up getting kbbq at a place in Oakland called “jong ga house”. It was your first time going, super yummy and surprisingly affordable for all you can eat. in fact, it was cheaper than lunch… (lunch was crows nest)
then after kbbq, we had an accidental trip to downtown Berkeley @ night because the dessert place (a dessert story) was downtown. it was very worth though amazing shaved ice!
didn’t get back until late. we decided at the dessert place to just get a hotel near Yosemite! since it was four hours east, doesn’t make sense to go
can save @ least four hours by just staying at Yosemite.
and that brings us to today… since i am writing this from the Yosemite holiday inn express haha.
Transcribed 2025-04-25
Raven,
We are on vacation right now. I bought this journal in hopes of archiving our life. Pictures are great, but I want to describe my emotions as well. And what better way than this?
I don’t know if we will give you this when we are done. Maybe we will keep it forever to ourselves. But knowing that I am not just tossing words into the void is a good incentive.
We are driving to California for the purpose of helping your sister recover from her pacemaker surgery. Thankfully, it went smoothly, and she is just recovering now.
We put Toni, Ava, Evil, and Manu into Paw Lofts, the bougie boarding place. Only the best for our babies.
We are listening to a book called “The Things We Leave Unfinished.” There is probably only about a chapter left. I will have to find a new one for tomorrow. It is about a woman who is taking her grandma’s autobiography and finish it, since she passed away. We hear about the grandma’s story in the 1940s, interlaced with the granddaughter’s. It is okay, the ending is fizzling out, though.
Yesterday, we went to Stonehenge Replica (Odessa, TX), Odessa Meteor Crater (Odessa, TX) and did a ton of driving. The total time was about 13 hours for 900 miles. And still in Texas!
The Stonehenge Replica was very cute. It was on a rock. Someone had abandoned their phone, too. I am glad we got to see these. Some cute photo ops. This was also the first time I noticed how dry the heat was! Such a change from home. The winds have made the days beautiful though.
The Odessa Meteor Crater was very interesting. I don’t think I would call it “fun”. But I enjoyed it a lot. I had no clue a meteor crater could be so big. The dryness of the air getting more obvious, but the wind is a nice respite.
We made it to El Paso fairly effortlessly. Of everything we did, my favorite thing was to just stop at a rest stop with you, and stare towards the mountains. So beautiful. I want to keep more memories, but what I find myself remembering the most is how I feel about you, Raven. We have been together for so long, and my love only grows every day. You will never know exactly how much I love you. I adore you. I still get butterflies. And standing on that rest stop, I could feel it so strongly.
Today was the short part of the drive. Accordingly, we planned a bigger side trip … White Sands National Park. When we arrived, we went into their great gift shop. Tons of fun stuff to buy. They also had an intro movie where we learned more about the park.
The main path we hiked was a mile long. Doesn’t seem like a lot, until you realize it’s so hot, and pure dry heat. I can definitely say that I’m not as fit as I was as a kid. And we almost definitely forgot your inhaler, so you nearly had an asthma attack that made you pass out. Not making that mistake again.
Despite being surprisingly difficult, it was just as rewarding. The dunes were almost eerily quiet; even for a deafie like me. The views were so nice, though. And we even saw some cute little caterpillars rolling down a hill.
It wore us both out thoroughly. But there was more of the park to see, and most of it was done in the car.
But we stopped off at a final hill. I was so exhausted, I could barely climb it. But I had to take a selfie with you… so I told myself a last push, so I could have a picture.
But then, you asked for a picture, alone. You sat down in the sand, and I took a picture. You invited me to sit next to you, to stare at the view for a final time. Tiredly, I collapsed into the sand next to you.
You smiled at me, and encouraged me to stick my hands deep into the sand. It was so cold. I looked over the scenery with you. And in that moment, I knew what it was all for. I knew why I fought so hard to keep alive. All those years. I fought to find you. Every decision I’ve made has led up to you, being with you, there on that dune. Exhausted, leaning against you.
“I don’t ever want to leave,” I told you. “But I can’t live in the desert forever. We can’t stay up here forever.” But my heart ached. Really, what I want to do is stay in stasis with you, when every thing is perfect. No sadness, no trauma, no work, no worry, no depression, no anxiety. I know our life together will continue to go like this, in different venues, but… “Ready to go?” you asked after a few minutes.
“Just a couple more seconds.” My pleading was really from the awareness of passage of time. Knowing how precious every moment is. It wasn’t about the dunes.
After about 20 more seconds, I stand up slowly. Time goes on, no amount of leaning against you there was going to stop it.
As we are driving out of the park, I ask you, “Have you ever loved someone so much you cried?” You laughed. “No,” you told me. “Well, maybe it’s just because I’m so happy. Why can’t it always be like this?”
The rest of the park was nice. The trip to Tuscon from El Paso was about 6 hours. Mercifully short considering we were both sun burned and exhausted.
The hotel was serviceable. Holiday Inn Express has good free breakfast. And the shower was excellent, considering we both were so dirty from the sand.
Next day; Sunday; full day 15 hr drive. Nothing much eventful. Just 15 hours of driving straight. We finished the romance book. Turns out the twins did a switcheroo. We started really driving through the mountains. It is so beautiful. 15 hours was definitely our limit, though. Also, you tried to hand us a bottle of water and we made it splatter all over which was funny. Other than that, nothing of note.
Truth be told, I am writing this on Monday night. So, we need to update for Sunday night - meeting w/ Courtney, screaming awake and Monday - fun day of beach, pretty restaurant, and being highly triggered and throwing up in the car. And by the time I do, we will have Tuesday to write about, sigh… almost caught up, though. Soon.
Love you so much
Transcribed 2025-02-02
Things are very stressful at work and life lately. We probably need to move out of the country. I suddenly lost steam to write in this. Oh well.
Transcribed 2024-12-17
yet another journal to abandon when I am bored
anyway my mental health is at an all time low. Ok maybe not all time, but it’s lower than it has been in a while. most days i feel like it would be better if i was dead. lately, i have even been planning killing myself. i don’t think i can tell anyone about it though. for a lot of reasons. it doesn’t feel like anyone actually cares anyway.
more like it would actually be better if i wasn’t around to be such a big burden on everyone. my biggest struggle is knowing that if i passed away it would be a financial burden on elias. because he cant get any kind of life insurance if its suicide i think. plus he relies on me for bills or to help. but maybe someday he wont because his career keeps getting better. so maybe it wont be forever. I dunno ill figure something out idk…
i am just not feeling ok. something feels wrong
Transcribed 2024-08-14
Why, in the face of change or adversity, am I such a coward?
I looked up TLC today and it made me feel so bad. Even seeing Duby’s face made me so sick. It makes me feel awful that she is still at TLC. I should have just stayed. I am sure that Hana would give me my job back, or another job, if I emailed, but then I would have to work with Duby and (potentially?) Mikolai and I don’t know how I would navigate that. I’ve been thinking about just calling Hana to see how the company is going or something, but I’m too much of a coward even for that. I know TLC would also be way more work and probably not be fulfilling, but I can’t help but wonder…
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know my career is basically over at Merit.
They clearly are never going to advance me at this point. And I hate to admit it but seeing Elias constantly promoted while I am shat on, seriously hurts… Like its painfully obvious that they don’t give a shit about me. Maybe I should contact Mucie and see what she is up to… haha. Really, is it so bad to want to be respected? Is it so bad to be ambitious? I feel like no one respects me at work. It still really hurt my feelings when they said I deserved to be fired. It was pretty clear to me that they were siding with a stupid company over their partner. The damage can probably be undone, eventually. But it is going to take such a long time. I feel like such an idiot for quitting TLC. I should have just bunkered down and pushed through.
Transcribed 2024-08-09
Will I ever feel like I am enough? probably not. It makes me so sad that it seems like everyone doesn’t trust me and is annoyed by me. I am thinking it may be better for me to just quit therapy. I am a lost cause, so why pay $100 a month hearing that? It doesn’t make sense. Just a waste of money. I am so sad… everytime it feels like things are getting better, something bad happens.
Transcribed 2024-06-24
Just got back from vacation, which was super fun. I’ll try to write the details somewhere soon, so we don’t forget. Unfortunately, the house is messy to the point that I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I’ll just do it slowly, bit by bit.
Still having nightmares about sem after all this time. I don’t know if they can even be categorized as nightmares. More just weird. You’d think I’d be over it by now. Guess not… it has been 12 years though, I guess that shows what an impact it had on me. Maybe I need to reflect on it some more.
Ugh… okay, time to work. Worst day back is the first one. I’ll try to get through it. Wish me luck
Transcribed 2024-06-05
lately i been thinkin a lot about death + suicide. i wonder if it would be better if i was dead. it would be less exhaustin for sure. alot of days lately it dont feel like its worth the fight. the fatigue is just so fukin bad.
i read online that death can be peaceful. people who have near death experiences, dont want to wake up. like, death is like wakin up from a long dream… well, we will experience it one day. maybe im scared of sufferin before death. that lack of control… i can see why euthanasia is a mercy for some people. but for someone who is just lost + tired of life? maybe not… i dunno. it’s weird to think about.
Transcribed 2024-05-30
i think maybe its just cuz of being the emotions releaser, but i feel like i personally always get affected by our dreams the most. i am tired of the dream where we find our old stuff that we lost over the years. that shit is gone and it aint coming back. but for some reason tryin to come to terms with that is too hard.
we keep havin health issues an its mostly annoyin cuz its upsettin elias + them. actually dealin w them is what ever. i mean i guess we dont really care about ourselves anyway
work is basically hopeless at this point. we aint gettin no promotion or ever gettin new responsibilities cuz we were honest about wantin to move depts. thought we were doin the right thing wont make that mistake again.
life seems so useless right now. had a dream about jumpin off a building. it seemed so freeing….
Transcribed 2024-05-29
Of course I am upset about work, but i am going to do my best to not show it. it’s a waste of time to make every one else upset about it.
Transcribed 2024-05-28
I want my office to be the sanctuary. I know it can be. I just need to figure out what it needs. A couch? A lamp? Wall decorations? Something ???
Transcribed 2024-05-22
Honestly, its a little disappointing to hear that Brittany is excluding us from opportunities because we were honest about wanting to switch departments. Disappointing, but not surprising. This is why people tend to not tell their bosses when they want to do this. We were trying to be thoughtful, but once again, as always, our honesty is fucking us over. As it goes.
Transcribed 2024-05-21
Guess we have a new old journal… don’t know when I think Elias gave it to us.
I’m nervous to even be writing in here, but i guess that’s the only resort we have left.
Depression is super bad right now. not sure what to do. everything seems hopeless. I think our sickness and dizziness is being caused by keeping things inside. We have gone back to our old eating disorder ways - just can’t help it. I think it is that feeling of being trapped. and not in control of anything.
but the feeling that we should at least be able to control what goes in our body. Lyn kind of encourages it too, so we are trying not to talk to her about it. It’s so unhealthy … I wish we didn’t feel the need to do stuff like this. Better than dying, I guess.
Transcribed 2024-05-20
Work is being so dumb. [large redacted/blacked out block of text, likely venting about work]
Anyway, guess i’ll get back to my job that I apparently am awful at. Should probably just go die or something and save the world from another fucking awful employee.
ahhh
we went to the end-of-semester dinner for asl 101. we both got certificates which is fun. it was just me, elias, and our other friend in the class that came from 101, the rest of the people were from the higher classes. i guess that makes sense to me, the people in 101 aren't necessarily that dedicated to the language. the people that take the higher classes probably have some level of bond and dedication to the language and their fellow classmates.
it was really fun! of course, it was ASL only. it was so nice to just have silence besides laughter here and there, and i could actually communicate with people. i'm so happy for that.
i'm trying to work on my splurging problem in therapy right now and address the root issues, but it's really hard. for now, i'm just trying to hold off on spending any money until i figure that out. really hard when i just got paid, but here we are.
i got a job interview! well, a half interview. i'm going to be talking with a recruiter today. i redid my resume yesterday and suddenly i've started getting hits, so i guess that it's been my shitty resume the whole time. i pretty much changed it from "marketing speak" to something that's actually intelligible quickly and also listed my full stack web dev credentials. hoping that this actually gets me somewhere. i'm mainly looking because they're opening up the position that would be perfect for me EXTERNALLY!!! at my current job. and i know there's a very good chance that if they hire externally, i'll quit on the spot. so better to be prepared... and it's a good ego booster to know that i could get a (half) interview that easily.
also we woke up this morning and our AC was frozen over, so we called an HVAC person. but there's been flooding around here, so they haven't been able to come. there were two (!) tornado warnings here over the weekend, so bad that we took all our pets and hid out in the bathroom waiting for it to pass. and then yesterday lightning struck closer to our house than i've ever seen. a HUGE boom and just a bit scary. the weather has been crazy lately.
uh anyway i think that's about it see ya
ASL class
ASL
finances
elias and i are still having some disagreements about how finances are going to be handled now that he makes way more than i do -- we will get it figured out eventually, but it's still a bummer that we are having disagreements about it
music
we are watching i-land and it has a way different vibe than produce 101 the girls -- in a way that i like, as in they are focusing more on the music rather than the idol/personality stuff. i like the idol/personality stuff but they spent like 15 minutes on staring contests in the first episode of pd101... kind of unnecessary. i appreciate the brevity of i-land
birthday/events
i can't believe it's almost already halfway through the year. elias told me that he is taking off my birthday week in june and had me take it off too -- i don't know if he has a surprise trip planned or what, but i'll look forward to it
i'm so exhausteddd
but for today just a lil venting... ughhhhhh
depression
has been HELLA bad this month which has also kinda affected everything. plus i ran out of adderall and i don't even have the energy to fight to get it refilled, which is making me even more sleepy bc adderall is one of the only things that keeps me motivated and awake, otherwise i sleep 20 hours a day like my pets. but like... idk. i haven't even felt like being awake or anything.
work
is still a nightmare. it's really depressing me even worse than usual lmao. my main alter anastasia just kinda had a meltdown and said "fuck all yall" and is gone for now so bye i guess lmao. can't really say i blame her, this job is soul sucking. fucking sucks. and it's unfortunately causing a lil rift in the relationship with E. like a micro rift, barely even there but still there, which SUPER sucks.
sleep
is basically just non-existent these days, and when i do get sleep, i have night terrors every night. sometimes i'm able to get to sleep if my dog Toni is sleeping next to me, but she's the only one that helps. i've tried my other pets, and it's just toni. and bless her, unfortunately she is in a donut right now (a very cute one might i add, actually decorated like a pink donut) because she won't stop licking her leg and giving herself a hot spot. so when i'm trying to sleep, she's like twice as big as she should be because of the donut... haha. it's the only thing that helps me tho. i also forgot my meds last night which makes my sleep even WORSE.
finances
good god don't even get me started on this lmao. i have been impulse spending like money is literally burning a hole in my pocket and then wondering why i am broke. but it's like the impulse spending is due to my depression and trying to get like at least 1 serotonin however i can, but then i have -100 serotonins at the end of the month bc i'm stressed out about finances. but in the moment i'm like "yolo" and end up spending way too much... i'm going to talk to the therapist about it today.
therapy
oh also speaking of which therapy sucks it's hard and exhausting and she's currently doing some EDMR adjacent stuff w me and it makes me even sleepier than usual. like every week i feel like skipping & the only reason i don't is bc it's literally cheaper to just go than it is to pay the last minute cancellation fee :X i'll figure it out...
there's a lot of good stuff going on in my life too tho! like for one thankfully E is actually decent with finances so my questionable financial "decisions" aren't impacting our life that much. plus ASL 101 is almost over and there's a dinner next week for all the people who were in all the ASL classes! i'm pretty excited <3 elias and i are a few of the only people that are moving on to 102 though, which isn't surprising to me. i think that most people would take 101 to see if they like it, and if it doesn't really jive with them, they just stop coming. i get it... haha
worrrkrkkk
something something therapy
https://limbo.deadjournal.com/_everlasting/profile
i got so distracted that i forgot what i was going to write about. i think i was just mostly going to write about the fact that i keep waking up every hour in bed. the therapist (and elias) both think it has something to do with the fact that we don't feel okay in general with sleeping. i mean, it's hard. there was one time in our life when we woke up and our abuser that we hadn't talked to in over a decade had MOVED IN. we were in college and living with our father and for some reason, he thought it was ok to have our mother move in, without our consent...? so i guess maybe we're worried about that still. especially since we started talking with her again. (though she lost interest, like i think we said before)
at least today is ASL class. about the only time we are able to get out of the house, and missing last week, we are needing it more than ever. richard* noticed that our car was overheating but assured us it would be fine, so i trust him. and if he was wrong, there's always AAA.
*an alter of ours
i can't remember shit
i stg my adhd will be the end of me... i have meds and everything they just aren't working as well as i might like them to lol. also i have therapy todayyyy i'm going to throw myself on the floor and kick my feet and have a temper tantrum bc i hate therapy lmao. IT NEVER FEELS LIKE IT'S WORKING even though i'm 100% sure that it's at least doing something
i mean i have a really good therapist. i feel like i'm actually making progress w her, whereas in the past i felt like i wasn't making much progress (the therapist before this was super nice and down to earth but had the tendency to just like, end up talking about politics with me instead of trauma stuff or mental health stuff... it ended up feeling like i was paying someone to be my friend which is even more depressing than just being regular depressed)
ALSO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I NEED TO TAKE MY CAR IN TO THE SHOP TODAY BUT I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME AHHHHH HEEELLLPPP
ok tantrum over i'll go to therapy now
I'm only writing this to check off the Habitica task
I was going to go to Deaf Night Out, but after talking to Kendrick for four hours, my social battery was drained. He is a very nice person, but he is one of those people that just talks for four hours straight. I love hearing about his life, stories, etc, but I didn't have much energy to go drive 2 hours, meet new people, then drive 2 hours back. Especially since Deaf social events tend to be fairly lengthy.
Kendrick did put up a fence for us though, so we can finally just let the dogs out without needing to have them on leashes. It's been about eight months of us only leash walking them in the backyard, so it was super refreshing to be able to just let them run around-- for us AND the dogs. They didn't really like being confined to being chained to us, and they're allowed to roam around more when they're just out in the backyard. Elias and I pulled the outdoor chairs out of the closet and just sat outside for a while. It's actually a decent temperature right now, but since we live in Texas, it's a very short window of decent weather. I'm trying to be outside as much as possible because of that. Every time I let the dogs out, I pull the chair back outside and sit down and watch them.
Other than that, we didn't really do much this weekend. Elias has gotten very heavily addicted to Diablo IV, which is good, because I've been very heavily addicted to Balatro. So we end up just spending a lot of time playing video games while sitting next to each other. It's still a form of spending time together, even though some people might not think so, ahaha.
As for my personal hobbies, still just mostly doing the pirating thing. Can't focus at work, so I usually end up getting distracted with that. I also started using Habitica which is somewhat helping keep me on task but isn't really powerful enough to handle my full ADHD brain. We also installed Debian, which is making a lot of the things we do easier and quicker. Whoever said Linux was more complicated than Windows hasn't actually used Linux, because you can just install things instantly from the command line, and there is mountains of FOSS software on here.
I have therapy tomorrow. I do not want to go to therapy tomorrow. Thinking about it is giving me a headache. Ah, well.
ETA: I fixed up the host's website [adoration.me](https://adoration.me) because it is extremely sloppy and tends to make typos everywhere. The Spotify link is also now working.
ughhhhh
our power went out last night for half the house--happened when i was trying to microwave food. fortunately/unfortunately it was the non-essential but fun stuff that went out (TV, video games) and not the essential but boring stuff (home offices.) so we can still work but we can't play video games or watch TV on the good tv. we have our bedroom tv but it's really tiny and laggy, i want to upgrade it at some point, because 720p is unacceptable in 2024 when 1080p is the standard and can be purchased for really cheap, but it hasn't been a big priority because we don't watch tv in there very often
we just bought solar a month or two back, and whenever we went outside to flip the breakers, the ancient butthead dude from next door came over yelling stuff like WOW YOU REALLY GOT SCAMMED ON SOLAR, DO YOU HAVE TWO BILLS, WHAT ARE YOUR AVERAGE BILLS, YOU MUST BE PAYING A LOT and we were just like. no, it's much cheaper than it was before, it's one bill, and the average is none of your business. we carefully considered our decision and our main reasons were
1. we don't want to pay for electricity for the rest of our lives
2. we actually give a shit about the environment
3. the grid in texas is totally screwed and being off the grid is good for everyone
i didn't explain that to him because he wasn't owed an explanation! but writing all this reminded me to switch over our electric, so i'm good with that
anyway, elias and i both had meltdowns last night, anastasia fronted and helped them out, then we just ended up ordering out again because we don't have groceries, because when i tried to pick them up on tuesday it was ridiculously flooded (they were even blocking areas off) so i had to turn around--see the video i took: [www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq...](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tq3N74U3pF0)
had to turn around, couldn't keep going, there's a reason the phrase "turn around don't drown" is so popular in this area of texas
i don't really think much else has happened, i'm not too invested in the electric being out because i can just watch tv in the bedroom or play on the switch which i usually do anyway, but we do need to get it fixed, elias is wanting to use our tax returns to upgrade the system as well, which i don't want to do
SO MUCH has happened
work
a bunch of fucking bullshit. basically was de facto demoted because i advocated for myself and others to have fair pay & reasonable expectations. i'm ok with it, but it's still annoying. i'll just try to look for a new job asap.
one of our alters (anastasia) who is actually the main alter, or at least the center of the system, has work as a huge aspect of her personality. yesterday she found out that they had been under-counting her metrics for months, and then today even more so because they're changing the way the metrics for training are counted so we were being SEVERELY under-counted. she went on a rampage yesterday (which is... really not like her, so i guess final straw situation) & pretty much threw out everything we own that we purchased for ourselves. a few things survived. we told elias about it & he went out and got it from the trash bin... he's a keeper T_T
mother
she stopped talking to me bc she's a narcissist and i wasn't giving her attention. problem solved? not really honestly, because i still feel weird about the whole thing so it's not really resolved for me. trying to decide on what i want to do though...
health
i'm Deaf, so i've been pretty much solely focusing on learning ASL lately. elias and i take a class up in dallas twice a week (a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back... RIP.) i'm very clearly the most knowledgeable in class and can speak with decent enough "beginner fluency" i guess, i can hold normal conversations with people. so people have been looking to me to help teach them... but i'm def not a teacher hahaha i'm willing to sit next to people who are struggling but i am DEF not a teacher. the only reason i'm so far ahead of everyone else is because i practice like CRAZY because i actually have the impetus to practice like crazy haha. elias is hard of hearing but everyone else in the class is hearing besides one dude named mark who is hard of hearing/deaf (cochlear implants) who i think dropped out (i hope not!) the teacher is profoundly deaf though.
i am not profoundly deaf (yet), i can hear with my hearing aids and anything being beamed directly into my ears (like headphones/music etc.) trying to get ahead of it because my hearing is going pretty quickly at this point. at some point in the past few months i went from little d deaf to big D Deaf because of my integration into the community, learning ASL, etc. plus just holding the same culture and values and everything anyway.
it's been wonderful... like, holy shit. going to class the first time was a trip. i could actually talk to people. i was super outgoing because i could actually communicate. that's also part of the reason i'm learning so fast... it's allowing me to be able to communicate! our first class was "my name is X. nice to meet you." we had to go around saying this to everyone, and mark and i had a very brief conversation where i said i am deaf but i was nervous because there was a lot of people, and he said that i didn't need to be. whenever he passed behind me, instead of saying "excuse me", he tapped me on the shoulder
i almost started crying right then and there. this awesome inclusive environment, where the guy actually tapped me on the shoulder to let me know he was going behind me instead of saying "excuse me" where i wouldn't actually hear. i just... yeah. it was so relieving and nice and i just felt welcome for like, the first time in my life
but!! with my hearing getting worse, embarrassing stuff keeps happening. i need to really remember to wear my hearing aids whenever we go out. we went to ASL class last wednesday, and i thought that i wouldn't need them because i thought we were just going to class (and we don't voice in class.) we went to starbucks beforehand and someone was trying to ask if we were in line. all i heard is "are you" and thought it was a worker (due to how quick she was walking) saying "how are you" and i said "good, you?" and she gave me the nastiest look and moved past us. elias was like "she was saying are you in line" and i was like ok well i couldn't hear that.
in class, there were two occasions when i was trying to hear someone say something (because they weren't getting it across in sign.) on the first, i thought she was asking for how to say "language" because whenever she was saying "how do i sign?" she kept saying "how do i sign language?" and she told me out loud what she meant underneath her breath but i couldn't hear her. second occasion, someone was trying to ask if the sign for sun and shower are the same, but the teacher (and me apparently) weren't understanding, i thought she was asking about "sauna." i fingerspelled "sauna" to the teacher, and the teacher was like "oh" and started to explain sauna, and everyone else was like NOOOO! SUN!
elias looked over to me and was like "you're deaf too!" and i was like oh yeah. and now every time i go out i have to say "huh?" and have people repeat themselves constantly, if i don't have my hearing aids on. so i need to make it a habit of just wearing my hearing aids everywhere but to be honest, once i'm fluent enough in ASL, i'm just. not going to use english anymore. it doesn't work for me! and i don't mind being deaf!!
(i really need to go back to the ENT soon, but i keep putting it off, because i'm too nervous... ugh. i just know it's going to be way worse than it was before.)
mental health
regarding mental health, well i don't have enough time to go into that. just that my depression has been way worse and i've barely been coping lol. i changed my meds and hopefully that is going to help but yeah.
hobbies
i've just been a little goblin who is addicted to balatro. like, i literally CANNOT put it down. it being on the switch is super dangerous for me because i just carry the switch everywhere and play it like it's my full time job hahaha. other than that, well, most of my hobby stuff got thrown out, but i still do have a few more.
family
we got a new cat!!!
when we moved into our new house last summer there were a ton of stray cats in the neighborhood. makes sense, the neighbors are all nice and feed them all so they just kinda are collectively the community cats.
there is a kitten who is too sweet that we named snowball, didn’t adopt him though. he looked like he could handle himself and wasn’t super comfortable around humans (yet, probably)
but there were these two tabbies, one we called Fat Tabby and one was Skinny Tabby. fat tabby had an extremely fat face (but not body but the nickname had already stuck) and then Skinny Tabby was just his younger/kitten (probably female) counterpart
at one point we were putting out food for the cats, but the asshole dogs started eating it. like they are literally bullies and no one calls them out on it. they were fighting the cats on our front porch, so we stopped putting food out.
but Fat Tabby still came around and SCREAMED at like 10,000dB. we could hear him through the walls, with the windows shut lmao. so every time he screamed we would go out there and feed him specifically just to avoid the dogs. then he started doing it in the backyard. then he started learning our walking schedule for the dogs and would be out there screaming at 7am and 4pm every day, and we always got him food.
we sat outside with him one day and noticed that he had an injury. and another cat (mean black cat) was trying to approach all three of us slowly like he thought he was being sly. there was one of my shoes outside and when he got close enough elias threw the shoe towards him and he ran off. apparently thought this was his area but never came back after that.
Fat Tabby was super appreciative, in fact instead of in the backyard far away near the back fence, he started sleeping on our doorstep. we had some cardboard boxes out in the front that we were being lazy about getting rid of and he lived in there, used it as shelter when it was cold and raining.
yeah that lasted about a week before we just brought him inside lmao. brought him inside, quarantined him in my bathroom in case he had cooties and to let the animals get used to him and vice versa.
made a vet appointment and told them that his temporary name was Fat Tabby lol. then the next day we went out and got all the cat essentials. we bought a tag and were like “shit, we can’t just put Fat Tabby on the tag” so Elias googled celestial names and we came upon Maru. we had to go super quick too because we had an appointment super soon after, can’t remember what but we were already running late so we were like ok Maru it is
took him to the vet and he got a clean bill of health. the vet said he had a fat head because he was not neutered but his body was normal haha. we got him neutered ASAP, like a few days later. vet also said he was about a year and a half old.
he is still chilling in my bathroom, we got a zipper screen thing for the door so Evil and he can see each other. Maru is still trying to realize that not all cats are mean bullies, and Evil’s person is elias so he was freaking out whenever he saw him cuddling with him. they both seem to be getting over it. in the past few days Maru even started to play with some of his toys yay. he still screams at 10,000dB by the way but now he does it inside of the house, lmao. and we thought Evil (our other cat) was loud… Maru can see directly into my office and meow alllll day if he sees me and I am not paying attention to him.
Evil is pretty tsundere but Maru is just lovey to all humans. he loves everyone indiscriminately and 100% will constantly cuddle 24/7 if given the chance, so it’s hard to get a good picture of him lmao.
it's been a while
first off, a friend of mine visited our house for christmas. it was the first time we had ever hosted anyone, and she has limited English because she is from Japan. i think it went well, but afterwards, she pretty much ghosted us. :/ i did send her a message through LINE, but i haven't checked LINE since then. nothing especially dramatic happened while she was here besides her letting our indoor cat out, and that was her fault, not ours lol. we were in pretty consistent contact before the trip, so i'm not really sure what happened. it's sad to lose my friend, though.
elias proposed to me on our anniversary this year! (jan 2) so i'm super happy about that...!
um... well, february is already hard because it's a trauma time for me and elias, but also it's even more hard now because of elias' attempt last year. it's been exactly one year since his attempt, and we are still both trying to come to terms with everything that happened. we are of course both in therapy (we already were for PTSD/other mental health stuff, we have been for years) and that helps. his therapist suggested that we both write letters to each other and then burn them just as a ceremonial way of showing that we are still alive & that's not going to happen again. we plan on doing that this weekend.
i started talking to my mom again. i don't really know why. i haven't talked to her in over a decade. she was super abusive to me throughout childhood. maybe i just wanted some closure...? i don't know. it seems she's "gotten better" in at least that she's not in any abusive relationship and hasn't been for a long time, and she got clean. but she's still a narcissist, just a non-drugged up abusive/abused one. i've mostly just been avoiding my phone, not necessarily just for her but in general.
work sucks as usual. i've been putting my all into it, working 50-60 hour weeks and essentially not getting appreciated. stood up for myself, put down boundaries, was assertive, and was told if i didn't stop being assertive that i'd be fired. so i am just keeping my head down and keeping quiet until i can find another job maybe. for some reason i always end up quitting jobs around the 2 year mark in february, so it's probably more of a me problem than anything, but still. i think it's just because after 2 years you start to see how the company is really mistreating you. they're also super underpaying me and hiring people in at my wage when i'm far up in the company. as for now i'm just regular disengaged though rather than actively disengaged.
anyway, sorry i haven't really been around/updating/commenting. my therapist wants me to get better at journaling, so i'll probably be around more frequently now. she's really helping me with a lot of stuff. her primary focus is polyvagal theory, and she did something that was pretty similar to EDMR in last session. i am going to see her again today. last session she tasked me with writing about my mom, and i just ended up contacting her instead... so i don't know how my therapist is going to feel about that lmao. she's probably going to be fine with it but slightly concerned.
i'll try to reply to the comments i've received and comment on other people's journals a little bit. if i ever disappear, if you see that i haven't been around for a little bit, you can always feel free to comment! and it might prompt me to remember that this exists lol.