Category: Longform
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Transcribed 2020-02-04
i ain’t got no day to day shit to talk about. grandma has been on our mind lately. we can’t stop thinking an dreaming about her… we keep thinking about all the good + bad. last night she came to me in a dream. i asked her if she was alive an for the first time she said, “no i am in your dream. but i’am always with you. + proud of you.”
i stared into the cabinet for a good half hour today. my thoughts started to go to the mother. i still cant figure out why we are so desperate for her validation. thats been on my mind a lot lately. feels like we did something wrong, to deserve the way she acted towards us? i know thats not right but it feels that way, especially lately.
everytime i think we prolly pushed her away it makes me overly emotional. i know rationally that wasnt the case but…
still feels like it.
we keep having these weird vivid dreams. where the emotion is so raw, it feels like being in the bathtub trying to clean the impurity off, and crying, because nothing works that raw pure sadness without any control.
things have been triggering us lately, just the other day someone at work made a joke about “fashion police” to us. i know they ain’t meant bad but that was a way the mother emotionally abused us…
feels like triggers are everywhere. we only feel safe at home. but avoiding triggers is like putting a bandaid on a wound. works temporarily but you can’t run away forever.
running away has all been we thinking about. whenever we get too close to friends we start reducing them to flaws to keep them away.
maybe we do the same with the mother? people aren’t 2d. life would be easier if they were - and less interesting.
Transcribed 2019-10-31
Halloween was amazing. So lucky to have such good friends. And I am playing a lot of girls game.
Transcribed 2019-10-26
tomorrow is tool!! so excited. worth every penny even though i know we are struggling a bit for money. nothing a little crowd collect can’t solve…
too tired to write any else.
ps let this day forever be known as the day dr. evil attempted to eat an entire bag of bagels.
grateful for…
- concert
- today felt like a sunday
- easy job
- able to pay bills
- got debt consolidation
Transcribed 2019-10-24
Missed yesterday oh well. Not my fault/problem. Today was a good day. I was super lazy at work today. It’s a Thursday so we are on the lazy side…
This weekend is tool & I am super excited!
I am also super tired. I don’t know how or why. I hope I can get into a new psych soon. I am figuring it out, but for now just sticking with Baylor, but with a different doctor. My current doctor sucks big old monkey nuts.
I am grateful that I am not in the spooky torture house :/ (ed note: I think talking about the McKenny house or whatever, probably watched a video about it)
Transcribed 2019-10-22
grateful we could refinance my credit cards.
decided to call today and get shit done
we also have our intro appt. with legacy comm health tomorrow.
everything lookin up
restless
hopefully not manic
Transcribed 2019-10-21
Grateful to be alive.
I don’t really know what to say here tonight. I haven’t really been in a good mood, emotionally. I am just trying to be positive. At least Dr Zwiener filled our meds. That’s another thing to be grateful for, even if she is being a butt otherwise.
Tired. Sorry for short.
Transcribed 2019-10-20
today i am grateful for toni having a backyard… i am also grateful for our new fridge…
today toni hurt her leg and was so dramatic about it… it was funny.
today we went to heb the first time since we got our fridge… it feels good to finally get fridge food… we got a big tub of ice cream haha… even with all we bought it barely fills it up…
at least the hello fresh should actually be able to fit in there now… it’s even bigger than the one in the apartment…
any way going back to work tomorrow… so i will get to see my friends… elias get might have a hard time because they are on prozac now - or i guess raven since she is the monday alter haha…
Transcribed 2019-10-19
today i am grateful for:
Funny new skeleman (mr bones)
good food
our fridge
we got our fridge. and can i just say it’s amazing. i love it. for the first time in my life i am looking forward to food shopping.
haha, i am very happy. we also went to the halloween store. that was really fun. i cant wait to go again next year. and maybe dress up next year.
i am not sure i have very much else to say.
Transcribed 2019-10-18
today we finally got a full sized fridge. no more tiny fridge hell. true that it won’t be delivered until tomorrow
our first plan was to put it on credit, a brand new one for $800. then i found a really cheap working one that delivers for $350 - $80 for delivery. so we were able to avoid putting it on credit which is badass.
not much else happened today. filled meds. looking into getting a new psych/gp. you know the usual “adult” boring shit
that’s about it
today’s grateful:
- fridge
- car is still running
- doing well at work
- weight stabilized
- routine is going well
- prolly others i ain’t remember
Transcribed 2019-10-17
Grateful:
- Got paid
- Can afford meds
- Found new doctor
- Job is easy
- Job pays living wage
- Today felt short
- Fridge!!!
Not gonna lie, there was a lot of negativity today that I could write about, but I would rather stay positive. what will I be for halloween….
I am happy because of the prospect of a new doctor, I want to go to the clinic that has many doctors all in one. That would be more convenient.
Also I found a place where I can finance a fridge so I am super happy!! I already got approved and it is on sale because it has cosmetic damage. I am super happy that we will finally have a good fridge. We need it and have needed it for awhile now.
Okay we got home really late so I am going to sign off here so I can get to bed.
Overall, despite its obstacles today was a good day.
PS Elias got back on meds so he should be feeling better soon! Yay :)
Transcribed 2019-10-16
Today I am grateful that we have enough money to support ourselves.
It was ok today. Not much noteworthy happened. The Tool concert is coming up quickly and we are excited.
This weekend we are getting new glasses (overdue) and going to the Halloween store. Alisia should be fronting so that will be fun. We are also going to the Chinese buffet.
-Noah
(later entry that day)
眠りたいなー いつもお腹がなんか いっぱい。大好きですけど、ダイエット みたいー ダイエットじゃない、頑張ります なのに、終わりはちょっとダメです。 じゃー今眠りますー おやすみ
-Jess ♡
Transcribed 2019-10-15
grateful: working car, easy job, loving partner
today i woke up. work was fine. goin to draw for secret santa tomorrow. the most enjoyable thing about work is having friends there. even tho hannah has all but fallen out
went back to the gym today did the eliptical for 30 min + had a massage after. shit was good.
appetite continues to be a problem. always full.
we need to start eating more but its just so hard. we cant even weigh ourselves or track calories without triggerin ourselves. all it would say is too much weight loss + not enough food.
weird ass problem to have. well figure it out.
Transcribed 2019-10-14
Everything turned out fine. Better than fine, actually. We aren’t overeating or over spending anymore! And we are really happy in general. This is probably the best we have ever felt.
I ate so much today! I’m so full
Before Wellbutrin that wouldn’t have made me full, but here we are.
Overall life is going great. And this Friday we will actually be caught up on bills. I am super excited!
Also fuck Welocalize for giving us a 2 week unpaid vacation.
Grateful for:
- Yummy food
- Easy job
- Good friends and family
- Ability to relax
- That I am only working 40 hours (rip steve)
- That my meds are working!
- I am losing weight without trying (185 this morning)
- Raven is so amazing
- I love my pets
Transcribed 2019-08-03
on friday they sent us home early because apple is trying to get its shit together
that day, we got called back about being accepted at tuckahoe
the next day we found out about stacey being terminal
too much going on right now… hard to actually think… that’s why i wanted to write… since it’s such a transition & worry period..
Transcribed 2019-07-14
we went to incredible pizza this past weekend + it was very fun. i will want to go back sometime. but it made me miss dave and busters too.
not much else going on besides what happened a few weeks ago. went from 204 lb to 196 lb in the first week. nice water weight haha.
Transcribed 2019-07-07
i am only writing in this because we are having trouble going to sleep. lots of stuff keeping me up. took a nap earlier + regretting it. because it’s now 10:30 and i have to be up at 5. thinking about how we are back on Weight Watchers. and how we are moving soon. which is nerve wracking and i hope it goes alright. future self - how was moving??
elias gave us $50 for our birthday. thinking about getting truly wireless headphones. haven’t decided.
things have been good. got a job at welocalize. both of us did.
we have some real friends now. which is nice. hannah, evanjelyn, abby + lani. they are all super cool. i think our friendship will out last this job. i mean evanjelyn is already leaving. her last day is this Friday.
anyway. i think that’s it. i’m mostly just worried about moving and the logistics of it, but i know it will get done. and probably when the next time we update we will have moved.
shitty handwriting sorry.
Transcribed 2019-04-05
Bet you thought you saw the last of me?
Today was our last day at vtg. Mixed feelings but I think (hope) we are going and doing the right thing. If not, I don’t know. Only time will tell all I do know is that environment had grown really toxic, mostly because of Jessica. Looking forward to being in a place that doesn’t have everyone at five years.
Welocalize is the new place. Hope they are good. Linguistics Tester also sounds cool on a resume. Hopefully we can move closer north because the commute will hard core suck until then.
I also think it would be super funny if vtg started falling from no itineraries.
Shouldn’t have taken for granted your best worker?
treatment
tired
prompts i missed:
27 What are three things from this past month that have been eye-opening?
1) meditation works
2) i need to exercise to feel good
3) hello fresh is amazing
28 What are three things from this past month that have been antagonising?
1) trauma shit as usual
2) pure exhaustion from having to do so much
3) work
29 How are you feeling today?
see above, first paragraph
"Describe something you've bought in the past month"
Transcribed 2018-09-10
Elias got the job he wanted.
I am going to be stupidly cold to my doctor. I really rather dislike her now so I will just have very bare politeness.
This is what I get for actually trying to improve myself. Spit in the face.
I cant wait to die tbh. Maybe in a few years when I get my debt paid off?
Transcribed 2018-07-22
Tomorrow is Steve’s birthday.
This weekend was weird RVAH was being shitty so Alex just quit. I can tell already that they are less stressed. We are less stressed as well.
I am curious to see how quick they will get a job. They are taking their time and making sure its a M-F office job, which is so much better.
We had good eats this weekend. Tomorrow is our dirt 1 year anniversary. hope tomorrow is going to be super boring. Bluh
Transcribed 2018-07-19
Spoiler alert: I didn’t keep it more updated. I’m not sure how to start after so long. We both got on T and we got a cat. Elias is quitting his job next week. Last week he passed out and had to go to the ER.
All that besides… I will try to write about my day.
I woke up very tired. Elias has had many days off this week. My new phone, Pixel 2, came in. I dropped the auto refinance paperwork at the UPS. We are not getting misgendered at all anymore. A customer at UPS called us “that gentleman”. The brother says we grow a beard better than he does.
I wore size 12 jeans, and they were too big. Our weight is probably hovering around 180?? So long as my pants still fit, it’s mostly whatever.
Tomorrow is W2D3 of C25K. We might have to repeat week 2 because we suck. The 1:30 runs are killing us. It is very fun though.
I am going to bed now. Good night.
Transcribed 2018-04-14
Long time no write. A few things have happened. We went on vacation a few weeks ago, and it was so fun! Went to Louisiana. It was a good recharge, and I can’t wait to do it again soon.
Today we went to the Japan Festival which was also very fun. We saw Tia and ate Japanese food. We were unprepared financially, so I would like to go with more money next time.
We are getting our finances in order finally. We got a speeding ticket on the vacation (oops) that will be $200 and spending so much on vacation prompted us to start saving more. We are automating everything, so we should be able to do this!
Anyway. Too tired to write more. Hope I can remember to keep this more updated. Maybe put it in a more prominent spot?