needing.space

I wish we weren’t on rocky waters with literally everything. We have been in serious “push everyone away” mode & grumpy about it to boot. Getting into arguments for no reason, trying to isolate, etc.

I think it’s because we have been in the apartment officially, one year. Has us stir crazy & trying to sabotage. However, we will be going on a trip for a week soon and hopefully that will reset our brain.

Also, we are 192 lbs now. Can’t really talk about it with anyone so I will talk here. Proud but also worried we go overboard with not eating. Trying to find a balance.

At least we will finally reach our goal @ the end of the year-ish.

Dear Universe, can tomorrow just be over with already? Cranked my Anxiety Meds up to 1.5 as per the doctors orders and it couldn’t be happening on a better night because I’m so worried about the yearly review trauma date one-two punch tomorrow.

Today, however, was lovely. Spent the day with my wife and cooked chili in the Instant Pot. It turned out great. I did, however, accidentally spill water on my wireless headphones and shorted them out. Ah, well. Another one bites the dust.

“(Operation) Day 3 of Consecutive Exercise” went well. Knee started to flare up so jumped on the bike and instantly remembered how much we loved it, so going to do that instead of walking / running. Wanting to ease up to 45 min of biking per day. Really, if I can do that, then I have no excuse not to bike to work even when it’s hot. Sometimes it’s even faster than driving.

Ate an obscene amount of chocolate, but still stayed under my caloric limit. Plus, it doesn’t happen often. Lose It! has a great database.

This is the week that never ends. Jesus. The review looms closer. Just Wednesday to get through, then the review. Super unfortunate that it’s so slow @ work right now, hard to prove that we have made progress. My biggest worry is that we are going to get lots of criticism, which we can’t really take on such a big trauma date.

Why did we have to get hired on this date in particular?! Crazy unlucky.

Diet/exercise going well. Trying to take advantage of the sudden burst of energy while we still have it.

Current workout goals / Fitness goals:

• Consistently under 1300/day (average)
• Elliptical 45 min.
• Run 45 min.
• Bodypump twice a week with Elias

We are slowly raising our Elliptical 30 seconds a day. Will do C25K soon. And Bodypump on Wednesdays + Fridays.

Have to sign up again to Les Mills On Demand to get Bodypump, but. At least we already have the equipment and a built in partner.

Anyway! Until later

Couldn’t write yesterday; went to the museum with Phillip + Elias + Florence’s family, but Richard got shitfaced last night so he couldn’t write. The museum was really fun. The memories will last forever. I want to go back soon.

Upset because we essentially lost Katie as a friend today. She decided to tell Mari that we were avoiding her, essentially. Which is bullshit. We don’t really know how to handle the situation except start avoiding all together which is what we were doing anyway, really. It just sucks that we lost pretty much the only person outside of Elias that we felt we could really trust. It goes along with our 1-year mark, doesn’t it? Throw things away. Set them on fire. Sometimes things get rid of themselves. Fucking good!

I don’t know what to do. Feels like everything is crumbling around me. All I can do is watch while everything burns. And, the sickest part about it is, I like it. I hope we lose everyone + everything and we would have no one to blame but ourselves.

Stupid bitch.

I am going to try journaling again. This may be the only entry before a 50 month hiatus, but.

I really want to throw this old thing away. So many bad memories. But we can’t just throw away our bad memories. We have to embrace our past selves, however imperfect, and accept that they, too, were once a part of us.

Feb is here. Feb 15th will be my one year job anniversary. Go me! Well, go us, really. We have survived a year @ a job, a feat we have never accomplished before. And at age 27, it’s long overdue. I am anxious about the review and potential raise, but we will see what happens.

We are on Lexapro and it is helping. The dosage just needs to be cranked up.

Lost 30 pounds and have largely kept it off, but our weight is creeping back on again. Will try to adjust diet before it becomes a problem.

Richard (the guy, not the alter) died last (Date: 2017) December. Haven’t really emotionally dealt with that yet.

Hope we don’t have nightmares again tonight. They are getting old.

Hand hurts. Signing off.

…

I lied, I have more to write. I reread our past entries, and I am glad we have kept the journal as long as we have. It provides some insight and contrast. If we can journal more consistently, it would be even more helpful.

Therapy might be a thing again soon. Elias got a raise, but it won’t be enough to fully cover it. Always using money as an excuse. We can afford a $420 bill for a steakhouse, but can’t afford therapy? Come off it.

Really, I am just scared. We all are. But we have to stop spinning our wheels. Our medications work, we have the finances, our external life is stable. What other excuses do we have? We have none. It’s pathetic.

Would it be a conflict of interest to just steal Elias' therapist? Might be something to talk to them about.

Okay hand is actually tired & so am I.

Good night