needing.space

I have a confession to make: I am a self-sabotager. It’s probably not much of a confession as people who know me already probably know this pretty well. I’m more confessing to myself.

I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid that it will come with more responsibility, which I never feel competent taking on, even if I (rationally) am. I’m afraid if I don’t flawlessly master where I am at now, I’m not ready to move on. I know that’s not the case, but. Convincing emotions is difficult.

I’m also (still) afraid of being perceived as imperfect. If I can perfect my stagnancy, sometimes that feels better than pushing forward.

This all stems from a fear of abandonment. A fear of taking on more responsibility, failing, and letting someone down. Showing my flaws and disappointing them, then pushing them away.

Being vulnerable is trusting the other person not to leave. I have made a lot of progress in that area, but. It still needs so much work.

… But I am afraid of moving forward. Thus the cycle begins again.

I am pushing past. It is a constantly tiring thing, but worth it.

I don’t know if I stand for anything now. I don’t know if I ever did. I don’t know anything any more.

I am tired of being evaluated, scrutinized, by people who don’t know me. I am tired of the friends whom have fallen by the wayside… those who claim to know me… showing they know me less than strangers, even.

I am tired of ignorance, proliferated by a desire to understand, but a lack of willingness to shut up and listen. “Willful ignorance” counts as such even if it isn’t active.

I am mostly tired of myself. Being hypercritical because the one not meeting my standards the most is simply me.

Is there anyone out there I can speak this to? Will I forever be burdened to hold onto my true emotions like they are the world’s most dangerous secret?

I have people I trust. I have my lovely Raven. So why do I feel the need to hide away like this?

I am tired.

Still alive.

We quit our job and our birthday passed with very little fuss. We quit because people were being disrespectful of our PTSD. Things are tighter financially, but Amazon MTurk is filling in the gaps.

We got the bike fixed, so we can ride wherever. It is much better than walking. Someone walked 8 miles the other day, and we are still physically recovering.

We moved into a new place. It is in Riverside. It is much better than the father’s.

It has been a really long month, and I don’t know what else to say about it. There have been some good things and some bad.

The host is around more often, for the better as well. There are bad things about it but mostly it’s a good thing.

I can’t believe how positive I have been in this entry. How. Why.

It’s so hard to keep this stupid thing updated.

There was a new girl hired at work. Not sure how I feel. She seems very stuck up and inappropriately know-it-all even on the first week, so glad I am not having to deal with her.

Also, consequently, I’ve been having my hours cut. It’s that or help the downstairs lab. And I will help them over my dead body. Eric is horrible. The lot of them are horrible.

I have been talking to Raven on the mic every day lately and I have to say, it has been quite a pleasure! I don’t ever want things to be any different than they are right now. Things are great.

I should not say that because then it will disappear, but the sentiment comes across anyway.

Too tired to keep writing. Until later

It’s been months since an update and I think that is because this has been shoved in a drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

News:

• Got a job 02/12/2016
• Moving soon
• Closer to Raven than ever (I think I’m in love?)
• Bought several items (New phone, xbone, etc)

That’s about it. Emotionally, of course, there are new things to report. I can’t really remember them all, though. A few days ago was Mother’s Day which is always hard, but harder this year… Ended up finally doing the 24 hrs voice call with Raven though. Feeling pretty accomplished about that, honestly.

Other than that - not much news. Have been cleaning, trying to pair down what we will need to move with. Not wanting to use the father’s place as a storage unit, and they will be better used by someone else if we donate them, anyway. Not much use collecting dust.

Other than that, I will attempt to leave this in sight so we can remember to write in it. Or at least, I will.

Finally got a chance to catch up with Raven last night over voice chat. It was a bit shorter than usual- around 6 hrs- because the body started to fall to sleep, but that isn’t unusual by any means.

She’s not doing great, but what can be expected? Things have been incredibly hard on us both.

In other news, sleep schedule is fucked again. It was okay for a week but proved to not be totally fixed- went to bed around 9am and woke around 6pm. Which is going to be a problem with the spouse working 6am - 6pm for a few weeks. Truly, the only recourse is to stay up a long time and try to fix it.

Being vegan sucks, but it also has its benefits. We are currently 213 lbs, and dropping rapidly. It’s only a matter of time before we hit 130 like the host originally planned.

It’s going to be so hilarious when the host comes back and he’s miraculously 170 or something, in a few months. Ahahaha.

If everyone could stop fucking up externally and making everything so difficult in the system, that would be wonderful. Had to skip therapy due to a system meltdown largely caused by the spouse having a meltdown due to keys being lost.

My patience is at negative levels right now! I don’t even know how to put these into words.

I got Raven a Valentine’s Day present. Turns out her absence was half to do with a Skype issue. Which honestly leaves me quite relieved I know she has trouble expressing her feelings through words, but the fact that she has been going out of her way to check on me once the Skype situation was resolved tells me that she does care.

Also sorry my handwriting is so awkward, I’m writing without a surface so it’s coming off quite strangely.

I’m so embarrassed when I read what I wrote yesterday. Such an overreaction … and for what?! A misunderstanding. Glad I kept it sequestered here at least.

Maybe I could ask Richard to burn this book too, ahahaha.

Is it inherently co-dependent to miss a friend? Raven hasn’t been around for around 4 days now. My mood has gotten worse and worse. It may also have something to do with the fact that we’ve not been eating properly, but.

I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t become co-dependent. On Wednesday, I even told her specifically that I would understand if she wasn’t around for a few days. But I’m starting to realize what a huge hole is left when she is not around. Days melt into each other and seem wholly useless, and I am left with too many system issues and personal issues left unshared, and I feel repressed and disgusted.

I don’t blame anyone but myself for this. I should know better than to rely on anyone for those particular things. The only person I can rely on is myself. There is no one on this planet who is so reliable that they will be there for me no matter the day nor hour. And I shouldn’t expect anyone to be on call 24/7, but. 4 days seems like a century.

I’m tired of stalking the internet when I’m not even in the mood to be online, just so I can be available as much as possible. Not fronting much means I want to be available when I can, but this is too much. Time to let someone else front for a few days. Fuck it.

Therapy is going well. Need to talk to therapist about new alter. She is making life incredibly difficult by not eating anything but shakes and nuts.

Got a multivitamin to try to make up for it. Spending is slightly less erratic with a schedule, but still not to any sort of state where we have any savings.

We did, however, open up a savings account to throw any extra money into. It’s becoming vitally important to save, particularly when LMC is being dumb and greedy.

Hoping that we will have that settled with a therapists' note, but knowing LMC, that won’t be enough.

Best to just start saving up the $1800 now so when the government comes knocking, it won’t significantly impact any sort of budget.

YNAB is saving our asses.