needing.space

Couldn’t write yesterday; went to the museum with Phillip + Elias + Florence’s family, but Richard got shitfaced last night so he couldn’t write. The museum was really fun. The memories will last forever. I want to go back soon.

Upset because we essentially lost Katie as a friend today. She decided to tell Mari that we were avoiding her, essentially. Which is bullshit. We don’t really know how to handle the situation except start avoiding all together which is what we were doing anyway, really. It just sucks that we lost pretty much the only person outside of Elias that we felt we could really trust. It goes along with our 1-year mark, doesn’t it? Throw things away. Set them on fire. Sometimes things get rid of themselves. Fucking good!

I don’t know what to do. Feels like everything is crumbling around me. All I can do is watch while everything burns. And, the sickest part about it is, I like it. I hope we lose everyone + everything and we would have no one to blame but ourselves.

Stupid bitch.

I am going to try journaling again. This may be the only entry before a 50 month hiatus, but.

I really want to throw this old thing away. So many bad memories. But we can’t just throw away our bad memories. We have to embrace our past selves, however imperfect, and accept that they, too, were once a part of us.

Feb is here. Feb 15th will be my one year job anniversary. Go me! Well, go us, really. We have survived a year @ a job, a feat we have never accomplished before. And at age 27, it’s long overdue. I am anxious about the review and potential raise, but we will see what happens.

We are on Lexapro and it is helping. The dosage just needs to be cranked up.

Lost 30 pounds and have largely kept it off, but our weight is creeping back on again. Will try to adjust diet before it becomes a problem.

Richard (the guy, not the alter) died last (Date: 2017) December. Haven’t really emotionally dealt with that yet.

Hope we don’t have nightmares again tonight. They are getting old.

Hand hurts. Signing off.

…

I lied, I have more to write. I reread our past entries, and I am glad we have kept the journal as long as we have. It provides some insight and contrast. If we can journal more consistently, it would be even more helpful.

Therapy might be a thing again soon. Elias got a raise, but it won’t be enough to fully cover it. Always using money as an excuse. We can afford a $420 bill for a steakhouse, but can’t afford therapy? Come off it.

Really, I am just scared. We all are. But we have to stop spinning our wheels. Our medications work, we have the finances, our external life is stable. What other excuses do we have? We have none. It’s pathetic.

Would it be a conflict of interest to just steal Elias' therapist? Might be something to talk to them about.

Okay hand is actually tired & so am I.

Good night

I have a confession to make: I am a self-sabotager. It’s probably not much of a confession as people who know me already probably know this pretty well. I’m more confessing to myself.

I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid that it will come with more responsibility, which I never feel competent taking on, even if I (rationally) am. I’m afraid if I don’t flawlessly master where I am at now, I’m not ready to move on. I know that’s not the case, but. Convincing emotions is difficult.

I’m also (still) afraid of being perceived as imperfect. If I can perfect my stagnancy, sometimes that feels better than pushing forward.

This all stems from a fear of abandonment. A fear of taking on more responsibility, failing, and letting someone down. Showing my flaws and disappointing them, then pushing them away.

Being vulnerable is trusting the other person not to leave. I have made a lot of progress in that area, but. It still needs so much work.

… But I am afraid of moving forward. Thus the cycle begins again.

I am pushing past. It is a constantly tiring thing, but worth it.

I don’t know if I stand for anything now. I don’t know if I ever did. I don’t know anything any more.

I am tired of being evaluated, scrutinized, by people who don’t know me. I am tired of the friends whom have fallen by the wayside… those who claim to know me… showing they know me less than strangers, even.

I am tired of ignorance, proliferated by a desire to understand, but a lack of willingness to shut up and listen. “Willful ignorance” counts as such even if it isn’t active.

I am mostly tired of myself. Being hypercritical because the one not meeting my standards the most is simply me.

Is there anyone out there I can speak this to? Will I forever be burdened to hold onto my true emotions like they are the world’s most dangerous secret?

I have people I trust. I have my lovely Raven. So why do I feel the need to hide away like this?

I am tired.

Still alive.

We quit our job and our birthday passed with very little fuss. We quit because people were being disrespectful of our PTSD. Things are tighter financially, but Amazon MTurk is filling in the gaps.

We got the bike fixed, so we can ride wherever. It is much better than walking. Someone walked 8 miles the other day, and we are still physically recovering.

We moved into a new place. It is in Riverside. It is much better than the father’s.

It has been a really long month, and I don’t know what else to say about it. There have been some good things and some bad.

The host is around more often, for the better as well. There are bad things about it but mostly it’s a good thing.

I can’t believe how positive I have been in this entry. How. Why.

It’s so hard to keep this stupid thing updated.

There was a new girl hired at work. Not sure how I feel. She seems very stuck up and inappropriately know-it-all even on the first week, so glad I am not having to deal with her.

Also, consequently, I’ve been having my hours cut. It’s that or help the downstairs lab. And I will help them over my dead body. Eric is horrible. The lot of them are horrible.

I have been talking to Raven on the mic every day lately and I have to say, it has been quite a pleasure! I don’t ever want things to be any different than they are right now. Things are great.

I should not say that because then it will disappear, but the sentiment comes across anyway.

Too tired to keep writing. Until later

It’s been months since an update and I think that is because this has been shoved in a drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

News:

• Got a job 02/12/2016
• Moving soon
• Closer to Raven than ever (I think I’m in love?)
• Bought several items (New phone, xbone, etc)

That’s about it. Emotionally, of course, there are new things to report. I can’t really remember them all, though. A few days ago was Mother’s Day which is always hard, but harder this year… Ended up finally doing the 24 hrs voice call with Raven though. Feeling pretty accomplished about that, honestly.

Other than that - not much news. Have been cleaning, trying to pair down what we will need to move with. Not wanting to use the father’s place as a storage unit, and they will be better used by someone else if we donate them, anyway. Not much use collecting dust.

Other than that, I will attempt to leave this in sight so we can remember to write in it. Or at least, I will.

Finally got a chance to catch up with Raven last night over voice chat. It was a bit shorter than usual- around 6 hrs- because the body started to fall to sleep, but that isn’t unusual by any means.

She’s not doing great, but what can be expected? Things have been incredibly hard on us both.

In other news, sleep schedule is fucked again. It was okay for a week but proved to not be totally fixed- went to bed around 9am and woke around 6pm. Which is going to be a problem with the spouse working 6am - 6pm for a few weeks. Truly, the only recourse is to stay up a long time and try to fix it.

Being vegan sucks, but it also has its benefits. We are currently 213 lbs, and dropping rapidly. It’s only a matter of time before we hit 130 like the host originally planned.

It’s going to be so hilarious when the host comes back and he’s miraculously 170 or something, in a few months. Ahahaha.

If everyone could stop fucking up externally and making everything so difficult in the system, that would be wonderful. Had to skip therapy due to a system meltdown largely caused by the spouse having a meltdown due to keys being lost.

My patience is at negative levels right now! I don’t even know how to put these into words.

I got Raven a Valentine’s Day present. Turns out her absence was half to do with a Skype issue. Which honestly leaves me quite relieved I know she has trouble expressing her feelings through words, but the fact that she has been going out of her way to check on me once the Skype situation was resolved tells me that she does care.

Also sorry my handwriting is so awkward, I’m writing without a surface so it’s coming off quite strangely.

I’m so embarrassed when I read what I wrote yesterday. Such an overreaction … and for what?! A misunderstanding. Glad I kept it sequestered here at least.

Maybe I could ask Richard to burn this book too, ahahaha.

Is it inherently co-dependent to miss a friend? Raven hasn’t been around for around 4 days now. My mood has gotten worse and worse. It may also have something to do with the fact that we’ve not been eating properly, but.

I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t become co-dependent. On Wednesday, I even told her specifically that I would understand if she wasn’t around for a few days. But I’m starting to realize what a huge hole is left when she is not around. Days melt into each other and seem wholly useless, and I am left with too many system issues and personal issues left unshared, and I feel repressed and disgusted.

I don’t blame anyone but myself for this. I should know better than to rely on anyone for those particular things. The only person I can rely on is myself. There is no one on this planet who is so reliable that they will be there for me no matter the day nor hour. And I shouldn’t expect anyone to be on call 24/7, but. 4 days seems like a century.

I’m tired of stalking the internet when I’m not even in the mood to be online, just so I can be available as much as possible. Not fronting much means I want to be available when I can, but this is too much. Time to let someone else front for a few days. Fuck it.

Therapy is going well. Need to talk to therapist about new alter. She is making life incredibly difficult by not eating anything but shakes and nuts.

Got a multivitamin to try to make up for it. Spending is slightly less erratic with a schedule, but still not to any sort of state where we have any savings.

We did, however, open up a savings account to throw any extra money into. It’s becoming vitally important to save, particularly when LMC is being dumb and greedy.

Hoping that we will have that settled with a therapists' note, but knowing LMC, that won’t be enough.

Best to just start saving up the $1800 now so when the government comes knocking, it won’t significantly impact any sort of budget.

YNAB is saving our asses.

The spouse got a new job. They have to wait for the drug test to be processed, so it may take a few days to fully see exactly the details. It is full time at the very least, which takes away plenty of the financial worries that were abound.

The only real worry now is that there will most likely be a gap in paycheck due to the new job holding back a week. And right when we need it too starting therapy and Best Friend Birthday at the end of the month.

We will have to buy gifts with this pay check simply because waiting until the 22nd will be too risky, we wouldn’t get the gifts out on time. We are already cutting it close as it is; if we purchase gifts next Monday, then send them out the following week, most likely they will arrive right on time.

Being friends with a system definitely makes gift holidays more awkward and expensive. Though, alters generally don’t want material goods so much, I am too selfish to not give Raven a gift that will benefit us both.

I am not very big on writing in journals, but Richard is, so I wanted to get him a nice one rather than the one he chose to burn.

I will have to transfer over the system list at some point as well, or at the very least, have an insert of such. Digital copies are nice, but physical copies are more satisfying.

Also need to journal regularly to keep the host up to date on important events.

Noah has been a pain in the ass. He is in bubble land until I figure out what to do with him. Just generally causing system havoc.

Went to family reunion today - a few pictures were taken - asked Aunt Denise to put them on Facebook - Played Apples to Apples with 1st cousins and aunts/uncles. Tyler got drunk which was obnoxious, but it only truly became unbearable when the extended family arrived. Left at that point.

Don’t think we will be visiting Chris tomorrow, as he hasn’t gotten back with us. Hoo has a job interview next Tuesday, then therapy - first session - a week after that.

Very “busy”. Wonder when the father will inquire about school, or if he even cares. His apathy seems to know no bounds.

Today, it Sweetest day. Steven sure isn’t sweet to me though.