needing.space

my brother is going through a divorce. back when I was dating (both men and women), I was never single. despite me not being especially conventionally attractive (short and chubby, wonky face lmao) and him being conventionally attractive (tall and skinny, objectively good looking by western beauty standards)

my brother: it feels like I’m destined to be alone. why have you never had any problem getting women?

me: idk. have you tried treating them like actual people?

my brother: says a bunch of low key misogynistic shit in response

my brother in Christ (and in blood) this is why you’re single. he, like many men, can’t seem to see women as Actual People. i asked him if he even had any female friends and he goes “no I already have enough friends and they’re all male” and I’m like ??? your friendship roster is full up so how are you going to find someone new? why not befriend some women?

he’s like “I don’t want to fuck men” and I’m like I didn’t say you needed to do so but if you won’t even befriend a single woman what makes you think youre going to find one to date?

I kinda just wanna ask him “do you even like to be around women?” like obviously he’s attracted to them but if he won’t talk to them outside of a Girlfriend or Potential Lover role then… idk

and he goes “I’m in my mid thirties most good/attractive women my age have kids and/or are already married” and I’m like look in the mirror bro what does that say about you.

he’s like “hot women have the highest standards and so won’t settle for men like me” and simultaneously seems to want:

• a “low maintenance” woman who fits his loner lifestyle exactly with zero compromise required
• but is also willing to commit to him 100%
• conventionally attractive with no kids
• minimal existing “baggage”
• will be patient with your disordered, childhood traumatized ass who thinks meds and therapy are a scam and refuses to get help

and those women maybe do exist, but they’re not going to fall into your lap!! and the fact that he’s unwilling to work on his own mental state… well we clown on the “hit the gym, lawyer up, delete Facebook” guys but the premise of “work on yourself first” is legit.

he also doesn’t seem to realize that relationships are a ton of work and compromise. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years now and even to this day we still do a lot of work and compromise with each other all the time.

bringing another whole ass human along with you for the ride that is life is complicated, even with the most chill and understanding partner. it means you don’t get your way all the time anymore.

so when he shakes his fist at the sky and goes “damn you, cosmos! I am destined to be alone!” really it’s more like, no, you WANT to be alone. or more accurately, you’re unwilling to make the sacrifices required to have a long term serious romantic relationship. and that’s ok! but don’t pretend like it’s the universe colluding against you.

so a lot has happened. just… haven’t even had the energy to write about all of it.

covid and then the CPR/elias dying of a cardiac arrest and revived by us thing. (we got covid from the bday celebration mentioned in the last post…)

quitting volunteer work subsequently.

the whole “kinetic d2d” arc.

now a few weeks into the csd job and wanting to go back to school.

there’s so much that was going on, and i just haven’t… had the energy. i know it’s a lot to not write about. maybe it’s harder to write about the difficult stuff. i don’t know. maybe i’ll have the energy to write about it someday. but also maybe some things are better left unsaid. i don’t know.

so on Tuesday (yesterday), i had orientation at the new hospital i’m working at. i stopped by the gift shop for a drink. i had already been thinking about volunteering at the hospital - they have an organization called Sunshine Guild and i really wanted to volunteer but i didn’t know who to go to about more information. they were supposed to show us the gift shop and volunteer opportunities during orientation day but sadly it was closed for the day bc orientation ran so late!

in the gift shop, the lady running it was on the older side. i knew that the volunteer organization was pretty much all older people from looking at the webpage but it looked like they had 30-40 people from the webpage. i stopped and got an advil for 50 cents initially.

“is that all you want to put on the card?” she didn’t have to say it, but i just knew from… idk where i got the knowledge, that that was a very very quiet hint (that she probably didn’t mean to let slip!) that they have high fees for any credit card transactions… you know, the reason why most people at small businesses or shops have a minimum on cards.

i was like “oh, no actually do you have a bottle of water with it? also maybe…” and started basically buying a bunch of chips. the food there is super cheap so i suspected they weren’t making much of a markup on it honestly.

i remembered that there was a sign outside of the shop talking about the volunteer stuff, remembered the schedule that said “gift shop plus volunteer opportunities” and sort of put two and two together.

i said to her, “hey… where can i sign up to volunteer?” she looked like ridiculously shocked. i was like “i’m going to be the easiest person you have ever onboarded. i know when i came in to get my blood drawn for onboarding and my shots one of the volunteers told me that even volunteers needed all that and background checks - but all you have to do is go to HR and get the paperwork.”

she was like… genuinely shocked. i think part of it is just that i’m a man for one (literally all their other people on the website besides what looked like probably two reluctant husbands) were women. also that i was under the age of 80. just being real - everyone who volunteered there seemed to be really old from my cursory glances online. but third, because i’m not just “not old”, i am also “old enough to be a working professional.” since i’m in my mid 30s, usually this is the “prime of career” for people and you don’t typically get volunteers in that age demo i don’t think. i’m old enough to have 15+ years of white collar experience (and cashiering and all the basic ‘teenager/college student’ jobs) under my belt, but not so old that i’m retired. many people my age (and gender…) are grinding and trying to make a dollar out of every minute. for example - i could easily be taking more shifts at the hospital in the BHU where i’m gonna be located but i actually wanted to volunteer outside of the BHU just for variety.

she gave me the paperwork but looked kinda skeptical. i was like “i’ll try to talk my husband into it” (no go btw. gotta stay there some time myself first maybe and prove it’s fun). i told her that i’d bring the paperwork back on Thursday bc i didn’t have orientation on Wednesday this week. she told me that they had gone from 40 people down to only 8 (!!!) after COVID. she told me “sadly a lot of people were older and just didn’t come back.” of course i knew what that meant too… either they were too sick or passed away, or had loved ones who passed away, or their lives were uprooted too much. it’s sad. i could tell that they were basically on their last leg. when i left the shop she was like “bless you, thank you so much for even thinking about it”

i ended up getting the paperwork done during orientation on down time/break! she sent me a text back being like, very shocked that i actually filled out the paperwork i think and also even more shocked that i have as much work experience as i do. i suspect they might have a local high school kind of like mine that requires volunteer hours to graduate? so yeah super inexperienced kids, or older people without a lot of stamina.

i got a text from the head of the volunteers, that looked like this. actually had no clue that she was corporate… just thought she was the head volunteer.

Becky (head volunteer): Hey Nate, I’m so excited for you to get started. Can you do a brief meet and greet tomorrow or Friday possibly around 11am? This is Becky. I sent an email also
Me: Thank you for the text! How is tomorrow? I can come up to Palestine any time tomorrow - I am off work
Becky: That would be wonderful. How does 11 AM work?
Me: I am very glad you texted because I didn’t get your email! Could you try and send it again? It’s not in Spam either. The email address is: the work email i use for applying to jobs etc If that doesn’t work I have an alternate email. 11 AM works great - where do you want to meet up at? :)
Becky: Great you’ll meet me and Zeta our president why don’t we say the lobby?
Me: Sounds perfect! When you see a short little 5'2" chubby guy with transparent glasses walking in and looking around in the lobby at 11, you’ll know you have the right guy :) I can’t wait to meet with you all tomorrow! (got a laugh react)
Becky: I am 5'2" as well blonde and older or a sweet older lady in a royal blue polo is Zeta gray hair though
Me: Lol it sounds like y’all got some good fashion sense and personality :D
Becky: Aww thank you

today at 9am i made my way up to the hospital. very excited but slightly nervous, to meet the others. honestly I do really well around old people to the point where Elias' grandma was jokingly like “you got… way too much in common with me, an old lady with dementia” LMAO. i find that older people are more to the point and less BS, at least, most of them are. of course there are still some catty old people but mostly they are great and the ones volunteering for something like this are probably really nice/sweet.

i came in. actually on the way in i saw the CFO walking out! he gave me a big hi and so i gave him a big hi back. :)

i went into the hospital to hi to both of them (and basically… did exactly what i said i was going to do, went in and looked around confused trying to find people LMAO.) i know the East Campus decently well after wandering around the past couple of days just trying to get the lay of the land during orientation but also didn’t know exactly who i was looking for so i went up to the nearest old lady in a blue polo standing up there and introduced myself and she got me to the right people.

of course the other lady, Zeta came up. i guessed probably that she was in her early 70s just by looking at her but could tell that she was extremely sweet and extroverted and honest, pretty similar to me honestly. (once again, having way too much in common with old ladies…) but out came Becky who was actually corporate, like had a corporate lanyard and is probably in her 40s?

she was like “It’s so nice to meet you.” I had only spoken to Zeta for about 5 minutes waiting but already Zeta was like “he’s so sweet” and Becky said, “Yeah I went to HR to let them know you were volunteering and to get your paperwork. They told me you were the only one out of the 25 people they just hired whose name they recognized. They told me that you have an awesome personality and that we are going to absolutely love you and that you’re the nicest person ever.” i just smiled because i have awful self esteem but i was kinda flattered.

they took me back to the gift shop again. Becky was talking about it the whole way there, Zeta once again reiterating how happy they are to have my help and talking about how the numbers went from 40 to 8. when I filled out the paperwork they wanted my work history and they were like “You have a super impressive work history…” like kind of shocked that i would want to be there for whatever reason? and i was like “ahh yeah I tend to master jobs pretty quick and then get promoted like crazy for the first few years, then they put me in a trainer position, and then honestly get a little bored because there’s not a lot of movement or anything else to learn and every day starts looking the same.”

they told me they mostly need help in the gift shop rn, but promised that there was lots of work to be done if i ever wanted to do anything else. we went back to the gift shop & honestly it’s just this tiny little thing, because it’s a rural hospital in Texas. probably my office back at home is bigger, and my office is the smallest bedroom in our house. there’s a slight ‘back of house’ too.

ok something about this shop… i can tell why they aren’t selling merch. just going to be completely real. the merch they sell there is an old lady’s idea of what the young people want… beanie babies and stuff. and for some reason overpriced t-shirts that have the hospital’s logo on it (which i literally can’t think of the target audience for…)

they have big balloons that say ITS A BOY and ITS A GIRL on them, and were like “can you believe it, these keep selling out!” and i’m like thinking yes i absolutely can believe it, there’s a gigantic maternity ward that dwarfs everything else in this hospital… why do you have an entire shelf in this tiny place based on valentine’s day when this is a 1) a hospital so who cares about valentine’s day and 2) it’s the middle of january. and no children’s items. plus so much unused space - and they took me in the back and there’s a ton of inventory.

becky goes, “do you have any experience with inventory?” and i’m like “yeah absolutely, had to do it every day at starbucks.” and i went back there and nothing is in tubs, nothing is labeled, tons of stuff should be out… i’m like “ok i am gonna go get some tubs and bring my label maker from home and go ham back here” and they were happy to hear that. they showed me the little tiny back with the inventory and then i went back out front in front of the register.

zeta once again was like “well all the older ladies don’t want to work this register. they’re all afraid of technology, me and one other lady are the only one who can do it. we used to have enough people to shift this place 8 to 5 and that’s what i want to do again, but right now, we only have it open 9 to 2 because most volunteers only want to work five hours.”

i didn’t say it then but i will on Monday… i can work 8 hour shifts, lol. elias is at work all day during the week, i don’t have anything else going on. i think if i would have said it then they both would have fainted from a heart attack or something. even the younger lady.

she mentioned that it’s usually pretty slow and that i can watch youtube, do crosswords, read a book, do school work. i was like thinking to myself, man, you do not know me if you think i’m gonna just sit out here and run out the clock - i’m here voluntarily, it’s in the name hahaha. i did respond “oh some days that’s really nice, but a lot of days i prefer to be up and organizing, cleaning, maybe clearing out the back or something, just trying to keep busy.” she said that she was the same way.

i went “hey, are we asking customers what they want? I think when I’m in here working, I’m going to ask what they were looking for that they couldn’t find in here, if anything. that should give us some guidance on what people are really looking for. I can just write it down.” of course i know that sometimes the customer doesn’t actually know what they want until it’s in front of them (and also, gotta read the room, if someone is super stressed because their loved one is hurt they probably don’t want to be partaking in unpaid personalized market research) - so actual market research needs to be done for hospital gift shops with similar stats that are doing well (rural, highly labor & delivery oriented). didn’t say all that but just asked if we are asking people what they want.

becky was like “…wait that’s an amazing idea.” and seemed once again shocked that i have even an ounce of marketing competency hahaha. she was like “god i’m so glad we have you. you have the best personality, HR was right.” then she had to go. like literally meant it so sincerely and i was so confused.

honestly most of the hour or two i spent with Zeta was just me building rapport essentially. she kind of showed me how to use the register but she had also typed and printed out a labeled diagram that literally had like a three step process to use this three (3) button register. really not that complex. and thankfully no balancing the drawer at the end of the day - i asked specifically bc that was always my least favorite part of doing cashier but it was just, “just leave $40 in there at the end of the day.” i’ll have to ask where they drop the rest of the excess cash but yeah.

(also she directly confirmed my suspicion about the credit card charge being super high and that they actually lose money on transactions under a dollar. the business minded person of me immediately thought “then only let people use a card if their purchase is over $2 or something” but haha didn’t address it at that moment. one problem at a time so to speak.)

i told her i have next monday off and apparently that locked me into Mondays being my day. i thought she would want more than one day a week but nope just wants one day a week, five hours on that one day. i’m going to have to let her know next week that I don’t have the following Monday, but I am also going to let my manager in the behavioral health position (my regular position) that i need Mondays off. i’m sure “i’m volunteering here in the gift shop to help the lil old ladies who only have 8 left in their ranks” is going to be one of the more compelling reasons haha. but yeah - doing it on Monday also means that every other week when they have orientation… i’ll actually be in there and the gift shop will be open, so no one else will have the same “what is this Gift Shop/Volunteer Opportunity thing? oh well” moment.

zeta and i talked for a bit just standing in the shop. really, people open up to me so quickly to the point where it is actually actively a shock to me, even to this day, even though it’s been like that for as long as i can remember/my entire life. she was like, “oh man, i used to be such a pushover.” and i was like, “what incident made you change that? how old were you?” and she seemed shocked that i actually followed up with another question. she asked me how old i thought she was. she had said just before that that she had been married 64 years after i asked, and she was like “well that kind of gave away the game…” and i was like doing math and she was like “no no, don’t take the 64 years into account.” and i was like “honestly? i guessed like… early 70s.” she said that nope she was 83 (guess she got married when she was 20.) she told me a little bit about her relationship, and it honestly sounds like a really great healthy relationship. i guess it has to be if you’re married that long…

but she told me the story about how she grew a backbone one day. she told me in her late twenties (cue me doing mental math and figuring out this is about the mid sixties) she was working in a newly opened Sears in the mall. she said that she had been a people pleaser up until then but there was this one sales man (cause of course it’s a man…) who just couldn’t be pleased and was always barking orders at her no matter what she did. and she said she always tried to bend over backwards for everyone and that day she just snapped and said “no, you know what, i’m busy right now. you can wait.” to him and ever since then, that was history haha.

i told her that her late twenties is a pretty early time to learn that lesson especially in that day/age when sexism was so rampant. (of course the mid sixties wasn’t nearly as bad as the decades prior but it was still really, really bad for women in the workforce, for a lot of reasons.) and she was like yeah i was really lucky. i was like “well… i mean, at your age now? looking how you do? either you have an amazing health routine or you got really lucky.” and she was like “honey no, i just got really lucky” lmao i didn’t say this but wanted to say, that probably being up and around and still active at her age (even with volunteering) likely engaged her body and mind enough to stave off a lot of the nasty shit that comes after a lot of people retire… plus being the type of person that volunteers like that probably is a kind hearted and low stress person.

i asked her how long she’d been volunteering there- 2012. she said she wanted to quit last year but they talked her into one more year. she said that she used to hate math but forced herself to like it when she got transferred at a young age to an accounting department… etc (see what i mean by people just kinda, opening up to me. like i know so much about her now.) but i was genuinely engaged in convo with her like i am with everyone! because i genuinely find everyone super interesting no matter what. it’s always interesting to me to see how people got to where they are and how they became the person they are now. i dunno.

anyway…

she also told me that she wanted to get me actually up and helping patients, like showing them back to their rooms and there’s a few other tasks associated with that. i was like thinking well we’ll see how i feel - i might feel too overloaded from that in my day job but also i am keeping an open mind. i have a curse that whenever anyone sees how extroverted and nice i am, they want to put me in front of as many people as humanly possible.

we went back out front and the other older lady volunteer (forgot her name already i’m sorry!!) came and was like “well, i think this is such a cute little bowl in here, i wanted to buy it.” i guess she hadn’t seen the merchandise. i think it was a foldable dog bowl which is also like, why is that in the hospital giftshop… anyway zeta was like “oh that hasn’t sold for a really long time and you volunteer here so it says $6 so i’ll give it to you for $1.50” and she was struggling to find change and i was like “hey if you want i got it for you?” and she was like “oh no you’re so sweet, but thank you.” my thought was it was just $1.50 (and a lot of older folks are on a fixed income) but yeah. so she showed me how to register a discount and told me that if i wanted anything from the gift shop i could buy it for half price… (well, i think i’ll pass on all the ancient beanie babies…) but i was just like “oh that’s really cool” even though i’ll likely never use that even for food bc i don’t work even in that building of the hospital on my normal days (unless i wanted to hoof it all the way over which honestly, there is a non zero chance i might on lunch breaks just to say hi lmao.)

she told me that they also like to sell flowers because they sell REALLY quickly which makes sense in a hospital setting, but they had an issue - since the shop was so inconsistently staffed, they died quickly. i told her actually, the person who we hired to do the initial clean on our house also owned a floral shop right by my house and i could potentially talk to her about maybe selling them at cost or at a discount for a good cause/volunteer organization. she was like “oh wow really, that is an amazing idea. i knew of a shop around here i wanted to go to, but haven’t had the time or energy. i figured i might be able to give them the same pitch.” then she asked what i thought about succulents? i told her “that is actually an amazing idea. because not only can they survive a lot and survive the weekend if no one is here, it’s also a nice easy low maintenance plant for people who are sick in the hospital. flowers make me sad sometimes because they wilt so quickly, but succulents don’t have that problem.”

lil more chit chat and then we headed out. she was showing me to everyone she could who we passed by. boy i could genuinely listen to people talk for hours and not be bored, everyone has such wild stories and lives lmao. she was like “here’s nate! he’s the new volunteer here!” for the first one or two i also said “oh yeah i just got hired in BHU too” but she wasn’t adding that onto the introduction so i caught the vibe and didn’t add that afterwards i was like hmmm there’s a reason she’s not adding that… idk if east campus and west campus got beef, or what. but anyway yeah i said hi to everyone with a big smile, it was nice to meet people. she told me that she always stopped people in the halls and said hi and introduced herself. i’m gonna have to try to do that too - cause when an 83 year old lady says she always does something, once again, it’s for a reason and you listen… she’s probably speaking from wisdom on that.

she tried to take me down to HR to get my volunteer badge (different from my work badge/has a different title and design. thank god bc i didn’t want to get bothered for Paid BHU Work Stuff while volunteering) but HR lady was down at a meeting. i told zeta “damn I bet Mary Kay is tired of seeing me.” Mary Kay is the main HR lady who has been there at that hospital like… longer than i’ve been alive (nearly 40 years). i keep having to see her because well, for one i needed a bunch of vaccinations she had to give me, and then i had to warn her about my drug test probably coming back positive because of my ADHD stimulant (spoiler alert: it did), then i warned her about my degree probably not coming back as finished (spoiler alert: they didn’t even check because this position only needs a GED)

lmao i caught her vibe right away as soon as i first went into her office. tried to make chit chat and she was giving me one word answers and she had the lights practically out and i was like ok this lady likes her zen/peace and quiet and so i just sat quietly in her office and followed the vibe so to speak. so honestly it surprised me that her & the other HR lady said i was like the nicest person ever, bc i think i’ve said like three words to Mary Kay. i guess when someone just wants peace and quiet, when you give them that, you become the nicest person ever? that is the easiest person to get along with.

but yeah i was like “well, we can just do this before my shift on Monday if you want.” because she went running around the hospital trying to find her and i was like, ahh yeah, they’ll definitely be here and available Monday morning. and she was like “oh right, you’re right, let’s just do it then.”

i asked her what she was doing after this and she said she had to go down to the store to restock the gift shop. she told me that she was buying the food stock at… potentially the most expensive place to do that kind of thing (brookshire/local grocery store.) i was like “oh, well, um, is there a sams club or costco around here? we could at least get monster and coke and dr pepper from there?” because those three items in particular, sell out really quickly all the time, because the entire hospital is a “Pepsi Zone Only” due to a contract i think. so all the vending machines, etc. she told me she had a walmart credit card that some of the other volunteers had. i was like “well, if you ever need me to do a shop run, i can do that for you.” bc i do appreciate how much time and energy and effort that is for a lil old 83 year old lady. she was like “well, how about after a month of working here” and i was like “yup totally agree, don’t give me the keys to the kingdom quite yet” and she seemed happy that i agreed and didn’t give her trouble about it. i mean, that just honestly makes sense and also she’s probably used to dumbass teenagers… whom i would not be instantly handing over the credit card to, to be fair.

more chit chat on the way to both our cars as we were leaving. we both apparently have a tendency to “midwestern goodbye”. in fact she was like “oh stop me if i talk too fast” and i was like “girl i’m from michigan born and raised, when i moved down here all the native Texans told me they couldn’t understand me because i talk a mile a minute.” lmao.

i asked her if the shop helped fund the extra employee benefit stuff but she said it was just to keep the lights on. she also told me that they were having serious trouble with fundraisers and that’s what they used to build up the scholarship fund for employees, and some other employee type things. she said she had an idea for a fundraiser this year but didn’t elaborate. she told me that it was very easy to get people to contribute when there were direct payroll contributions, but since they took that out - they have to actively fundraise which is harder. their fundraising funds went way down since then, like from thousands of dollars a year to like a thousand dollars last year. i told her, “hmm. well, i have a graphic design background. maybe if i print a big pretty color graphic and post it up on the register and list all the things the fund does, we could round transactions to the nearest dollar. it would be easier for people to pay in cash, and all those little transactions add up, that’s why big companies do it. plus you know that people already want to donate because so many opted to have it taken straight from their paychecks. if we make it as easy for them as possible…”

she was like, “oh man. you are actually full of great ideas” and actually like, meant it, not doing the southerner sarcastic thing, which surprised me again. she touched me on the shoulder and was like “nate… in 83 years here, i can tell that you’re one of the kindest, sweetest people with one of the best personalities i’ve ever met already.” i was like… “well… thank you very much for saying that. i genuinely appreciate it because i don’t always feel that way sometimes, but i’m just glad that i’m able to make a difference however i can.” and then we midwestern goodbye talked for another 2 minutes and finally i pulled myself away and went home.

i continue to stay shocked that anyone can stand me let alone actively like me hahaha.

the actual job sounds really fun though. like, why play Supermarket Simulator on steam at home when i can roleplay a shop keeper irl with basically full freedom, because they actually seem to trust me? honestly it was very weird - everyone who she introduced me to kept acting like i was some kind of war vet, “thank you so much for volunteering” “thank you so much for your service.” i think they realize that the volunteer guild is essentially on life support at this point and getting someone much younger in there who has the time and energy to help revitalize it may actually breathe a little bit of life back into it. i was called more than once, a “savior” which i don’t feel like a savior or anything.

i don’t know if it’s just bc i’m ultra autistic but my viewpoint on life is… if i put more positive “into” the world than i take out (on days that i’m upset, or stressed, or angry, or whatever) then that’s a net positive. i’m privileged to be able to do that most of the time… for a lot of different reasons. but i also realize that a lot of people CAN’T do that all the time. so if everyone just tried to do that as much as they possibly could, that could do that? then the world would be 10000% times better. and just fuckin do it. don’t brag about it - post about it on your private blog, maybe share it with one or two people to show them how your day went, and move on with your life. there are days that i’m stressed and angry and unfair with others, but i think there are probably 2x as many days that i’m the opposite, so i try to balance that out decently enough haha. with that plus my new job working as a mental health tech in the inpatient for high acuity patients and forensic, well, i should be banking up enough to “pay for” my own somewhat stressed days and hopefully other people’s who can’t.

idk oh well. seems fun and i’m looking forward to it. (and i told my friend lyn that i should learn how to knit baby beanies or blankets or something while i’m IN the shop bc then at least while i’m in the shop, i’d be actively learning a new skill, actively learning something, and they’d probably sell well if i put up a sign being like A VOLUNTEER WHO WORKS HERE HANDMADE THESE also it’s such a big hospital for maternity… i mean, just makes sense. but only after i got good, not selling no shitty things and also would sell them basically at cost so the money could go back to the volunteer guild. why not)

man… today was a LOT. this week they have orientation for the new hospital i’m working at. i got a job as a mental health technician which i am really looking forward to. the first few days are 8-4 basically just “classroom”, like today was the “everyone talks at you and does PPT stuff” day and tomorrow is the “thousands of computer modules” day. then later in the week they literally give me combat training to figure out how to defend myself i guess? and restraining too if i need to.

honestly i heard the phrase “nurses eat their young” today and i can see why. already twice in one day the nurses there tried to bully me LMAO it felt like being back in high school?? it was fucking bizarre. i was like ladies i am in my mid 30s you’re about 20 years too late to that party. not going to go into detail about it because honestly it’s not even worth “memorializing” here!!

i think part of the “problem” is that there were only two people who were going to be working in the BHU (behavioral health unit) and one of them is like… a super part time social worker. it was really weird for them to keep being like “oh you’re over in BHU? they do stuff differently there” and for them to talk about how insanely dangerous it is over there. essentially acting like i’m going to walk in and instantly be mugged which is funny.

they gave us free breakfast (which i didn’t partake in bc of said Annoying Mean Girl Nurses) and free lunch which was pretty good… chicken legs, mac and cheese & apple pie. yumy

everything else was what i think is standard fare for hospital orientation probably?? them just talking about HR stuff, HIPAA, had us do a practice run on PPE, a few weird youtube videos, menu, communication, etc. they tried to cut us loose early but also said that they could show us around the hospital so i took that opportunity even tho i won’t be working in that area. you never know if i will need to know where to go…

also the health insurance is really good. they said they will reimburse 100% of my plan through elias so i just need to reject their insurance and talk to them about it. honestly a pretty good deal and basically “free health insurance” at least up to 10k which pretty much doesn’t happen in the US so yay.

anyway everyone in the BHU/mental health area seems extremely nice! new manager came over and ate lunch with me which was super friendly and nice. honestly i’m just happy to get the first day over with.

i also had to do a flu shot today, and then have to do like fifty of them tomorrow (DTaP, hep b, etc.) i’ll have to remember to get the paperwork so i don’t have to get those again esp since like the DTaP is good for ten years & i don’t want to have to deal with it again until a decade from now.

uhh other than that? idk. we’ll see how the rest of the week goes. i’m just really relieved that my manager is super sweet & everyone in BHU so far is really nice. that’s all that really matters.